Episode 217: Julie Andrews/transcript

00:00:08 [Knocking on door]

00:00:09 Julie Andrews? Uh, 15 seconds to curtain, Miss Andrews.

00:00:13 Thank you. Thank you, I'll be ready.

00:00:16 I'll be ready just so long as nobody else drops in.

00:00:19 [All] Whoo!

00:00:23 [All shouting]

00:00:25 [Drumroll]

00:00:27 It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Miss Julie Andrews.

00:00:32 Yay!

00:00:33 [Applause]

00:00:46 # Lt's time to play the music Lt's time to light the light

00:00:50 # Lt's time to meet the Muppets on The Muppet Show tonight

00:00:53 # Lt's time to put on make-up Lt's time to dress up right

00:00:58 # Lt's time to get things started

00:01:00 [whistling]

00:01:02 # Lt's time to get things started on the most sensational

00:01:05 # Lnspirational, celebrational

00:01:08 # Muppetational

00:01:09 # This is what we call

00:01:11 # The Muppet Show #

00:01:15 [high-pitch squeak]

00:01:22 [Applause]

00:01:23 Thank you, thank you, thank you. Welcome again to The Muppet Show.

00:01:26 We're very excited around here tonight.

00:01:28 Our guest star is a wonderfully talented lady and a good friend of mine,

00:01:32 and here she is now. Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Julie Andrews!

00:01:46 [# The Lonely Goatherd]

00:02:53 You know, I seen the movie twice.

00:04:27 Hooray! Bravo! I loved the goat.

00:04:30 He would... the old goat.

00:04:35 OK, great opening number with the goats and the pigs.

00:04:38 - [Mooing] - Way to go, cow.

00:04:41 Cow?

00:04:45 [Cries out]

00:04:47 - It's a real cow, all right. Scooter! - Yeah, chief?

00:04:50 Refresh my memory. Uh, was there a cow in that opening number?

00:04:53 - No. - Then what's a cow doing backstage?

00:04:56 - What cow? - That cow right there!

00:04:58 - [Mooing] - Kermit, that's a cow!

00:04:59 - I know! How'd it get in here? - I guess he must've sneaked in.

00:05:03 Cows don't sneak. Snakes sneak.

00:05:07 - Uh, find out who it belongs to. - OK.

00:05:13 Who do you belong to?

00:05:16 - Scooter! - OK, chief. OK.

00:05:19 [Groans] I think they're gonna love this show in Jersey.

00:05:24 [Man] Here is a Muppet news flash.

00:05:27 A plane carrying a load of sports equipment

00:05:30 was forced to jettison some of its cargo.

00:05:41 ...and one bowling ball.

00:05:46 Ladies and gentlemen, in a major feat of

00:05:48 death-defying musicrobatics never seen before...

00:05:53 ...uh, the Great Gonzo will perform

00:05:55 on bagpipes the Eine Kleine Nachtmusik

00:05:58 from a flagpole... ten feet in the air?

00:06:01 Uh, ladies and gentlemen, the Great Gonzo!

00:06:04 [Fanfare plays]

00:06:07 [Begins playing]

00:06:37 [Blows]

00:06:38 [Gonzo yelling]

00:06:45 Hey, Gonzo should quit while he's ahead.

00:06:47 Gonzo should quit while he's alive.

00:06:53 - [Moans] - Are you OK, Gonzo?

00:06:55 Oh, sure. I just fell 11 feet onto solid concrete.

00:06:59 Huh, well, that's too bad. It looks like you're gonna have to get a new bagpipe.

00:07:03 Yeah, I'm having it made out of solid beaver skin.

00:07:08 Uh, sorry about that beaver. I don't know how it got in here.

00:07:11 Usually we're much more careful about who we allow in this place.

00:07:14 Yeah, I can see that.

00:07:17 Yeah, the cow. It's been a bad night for security.

00:07:21 Wow. You got a great pair of legs.

00:07:25 In fact, she's got two great pair of legs.

00:07:28 Hey, uh, you wouldn't think about going into show business, would you?

00:07:33 Will you at least have dinner with me? Promise?

00:07:35 - Gonzo! - Oh.

00:07:38 - Hey, chief? - Hmm?

00:07:39 Well, so far nobody knows nothing about the cow.

00:07:42 Well, keep trying. We cannot have a cow backstage.

00:07:45 - Hmm. Well, look on the bright side. - Hmm?

00:07:47 At least you won't have to give us milk money anymore.

00:07:50 Scooter!

00:07:52 [# Beethoven: Moonlight Sonata]

00:08:41 [Applause]

00:08:45 It's very nice to be able to talk quietly with you for a minute.

00:08:48 Thank you, Kermit, I feel the same way. There was something I was going to ask.

00:08:52 - Excuse me, Julie. Hey, Kermit? - Yeah?

00:08:54 Your nephew Robin just fell in a tuba.

00:08:58 - He just what? - He fell in a tuba.

00:09:00 But, it's OK. Animal's getting him out.

00:09:02 - [Tuba blaring] - [Robin] Whee!

00:09:06 Hey, Robin, are you all right?

00:09:08 Yeah, it's fun!

00:09:10 You were saying, Julie?

00:09:12 - I was gonna ask... - I hate to interrupt, Julie.

00:09:14 - Excuse me, Kermit? - Yeah?

00:09:16 Uh, did you ask to see the Flying Zuccini's human cannonball act?

00:09:20 - Not right now. - OK, I'll go tell them. Bye.

00:09:22 - Bye. - [Cannon booms]

00:09:27 Uh, Kermit, I was too late to... Oh, never mind.

00:09:30 - Yes, you were saying... - [cannon booms]

00:09:34 - [Clattering] - You see, they have two cannons...

00:09:36 OK, OK! Just get out of here! I'm sorry, Julie, you were trying to say...

00:09:40 Kermit! Sweetums and Thog are playing badminton!

00:09:43 - So? - They're playing with my chicken!

00:09:46 - Oh. - [Chicken clucking]

00:09:48 [Cannons booming and chickens clucking]

00:09:53 - Uh, Julie, you were asking? - Oh, nothing. I just...

00:09:57 ...was wondering what you guys did for entertainment around here.

00:10:00 Oh, nothing much.

00:10:06 [Monster] Fowl!

00:10:14 [# Won't Somebody Dance With Me]

00:11:09 - Uh, excuse me. - You're excused!

00:11:15 Excuse me, it's time to change partners.

00:11:18 No, it's time to change ballrooms, creep.

00:11:22 Excuse me, can I cut in?

00:11:24 That reminds me, Marvin, did you remember to feed the anteater?

00:11:42 [Gasps] There she is!

00:12:04 [Thudding]

00:12:14 - [# country music] - Here we go!

00:12:18 # Way down south way down in Borneo

00:12:21 # There's a wild man called the Borneo

00:12:23 # Way down on Borneo Bay

00:12:25 - [blows] - [Mouth harp twangs]

00:12:28 # Even though you've got a corneo

00:12:30 # You'll dance till the break of dawneo

00:12:32 # Way down on Borneo Bay

00:12:35 - [kazoo toots] - [Blows]

00:12:37 # Wild man stands with his clothes all torneo

00:12:39 # Toot toot toots on a bamboo horneo

00:12:42 # Then the bamboo baby start to sway

00:12:44 [all] # Start to sway

00:12:46 # When you see them dance the Borneo

00:12:48 # You'll just put yourjewels in pawneo

00:12:50 # Way down on Borneo Bay

00:12:59 - # Way down on Borneo - [mouth harp twanging]

00:13:03 - # Bay - [kazoo tooting]

00:13:08 # Way down on Borneo

00:13:10 [blows]

00:13:12 # Bay

00:13:15 [mouth harp twanging]

00:13:30 # Way down south way down in Borneo

00:13:32 # There's a wild man called the Borneo

00:13:34 # Way down on Borneo Bay

00:13:37 - [blows] - [Twangs]

00:13:39 # Even though you've got a corneo

00:13:41 # You'll dance till the break of dawneo

00:13:43 # Way down on Borneo Bay

00:13:45 - [kazoo toots] - [Blows]

00:13:47 # Wild man stands with his clothes all torneo

00:13:50 # Toot toot toots on his bamboo horneo

00:13:52 # Then the bamboo baby start to sway

00:13:54 [all] # Start to sway

00:13:56 # When you see them dance the Borneo

00:13:59 # You'll just put yourjewels in pawneo

00:14:01 # Way down on Borneo

00:14:03 - [twangs] - # Bay #

00:14:13 Kermit, you've really been busy since I saw you last.

00:14:15 We've been doing this show and all that stuff.

00:14:18 I love the shows. I watch them every week.

00:14:20 Oh, hey, that's nice.

00:14:22 Gee, but, uh, you know, one thing people don't know about you,

00:14:25 - is that you write children's books. - I really enjoy doing that, too.

00:14:28 - And you also write songs. - Well, I wrote one for you, remember?

00:14:32 - You wrote one for me? - Oh, how could you have forgotten?

00:14:35 Oh, I didn't forget. We did it on a special of yours a couple of years ago.

00:14:39 - Right. - Would you do that now?

00:14:41 Oh, I thought you'd never ask.

00:14:43 Actually, I knew she was gonna do it.

00:14:47 - Ready? - Mm-hmm.

00:14:50 # When you were a tadpole

00:14:53 # And L was a fish

00:14:57 # When the whole world had barely begun

00:15:03 - As far back as that? - Mm-hmm.

00:15:06 # L saw you swim by

00:15:10 # With a smile in your eye

00:15:14 # And L loved you

00:15:16 # From that moment on

00:15:20 That's a lovely thought.

00:15:22 # And through all the changes

00:15:26 # From fins into fingers

00:15:31 # L longed for the day

00:15:35 # You would be

00:15:39 # The sweet loving person

00:15:43 # You've finally become

00:15:47 # From that faraway day

00:15:52 # Ln the sea

00:15:54 # And my first wish

00:15:57 What's that?

00:15:59 # That you'd love me too

00:16:03 # 'Cause L've loved you

00:16:05 # Since you were a tadpole

00:16:10 # And L was a fish

00:16:15 Oh, that really is a lovely song.

00:16:18 Oh, I'm glad you like it, Kermit.

00:16:20 - It's a little bit fishy. - Oh.

00:16:22 I... I really love it, though. And I love when you sing it.

00:16:26 Thank you.

00:16:27 # L'm so glad that you

00:16:30 # Love me too

00:16:33 # 'Cause L've loved you

00:16:35 # Since you were

00:16:37 # A tadpole

00:16:42 # And L was

00:16:47 - Guess what. - A fish?

00:16:50 # A fish #

00:16:55 [sighs]

00:17:12 [Clears throat]

00:17:14 Greetings. As an American eagle,

00:17:18 I feel it is my duty

00:17:21 to say a few words about the glories of industry

00:17:25 and technology.

00:17:27 There are those among us...

00:17:31 ...who would silence our factories,

00:17:34 shut down our mills and grind our highways to a halt.

00:17:39 Yea, verily, today the very fiber

00:17:43 of our industrialization is under attack

00:17:47 from a small subversive group

00:17:49 of namby-pamby conservationists.

00:17:54 These weirdoes would stop the march of progress

00:17:59 for the sake of a few insignificant animals.

00:18:04 I have here a list.

00:18:08 A list of the animals

00:18:11 these so-called conservationists

00:18:14 would have us protect.

00:18:17 Just listen to this.

00:18:19 The mountain lion. [scoffs]

00:18:21 The alligator. Huh!

00:18:23 The coyote, the timber wolf. Ha.

00:18:28 The American bald eagle.

00:18:32 [Quietly to himself] The American bald eagle.

00:18:36 Excuse me, this list is now inoperative.

00:18:42 [Gasps]

00:18:44 Where's the cow? We had a date!

00:18:48 - Oh, she's gone. - Oh.

00:18:50 Well, I guess I've still got time to call a chicken.

00:18:54 Say, where's the cow?

00:18:55 I found someone who's gonna do something with her.

00:18:58 - Oh, yeah? Who? - The Swedish Chef.

00:19:00 [Gasps]

00:19:01 [Chef humming]

00:19:06 Chef! What are you doing?

00:19:08 [Mock Swedish]

00:19:10 Barbecue.

00:19:12 You can't do that. Come on, out, out.

00:19:14 - [Mock Swedish] - No, no, no!

00:19:15 Out, out!

00:19:20 - Now, Scooter? - Hmm?

00:19:21 - Uh, would you erase that cow? - Oh, sure, boss.

00:19:25 - Erase the cow? - [Cow moos]

00:19:29 Welcome again to Muppet Labs where the future is being made today.

00:19:33 Well, we are just feverishly excited here at the labs today

00:19:36 because our latest invention is ready for testing.

00:19:39 Here it is, Muppet Labs' new hair-growing tonic.

00:19:43 And who better to test it on than my willing and eager lab assistant, Beaker.

00:19:47 - Come on in, Beaker. - [Groaning]

00:19:50 You would just love to test this new hair-growing tonic, wouldn't you Beaker?

00:19:54 - Mm-mmm. - Mm-hmm, I knew he would.

00:19:58 - [Groans] - OK, just sit down on this stool, here.

00:20:01 Come on. There you go.

00:20:03 We'll shake a little bit of this on here.

00:20:06 Put it down. And massage it in vigorously.

00:20:10 - [Moans] - Well, yes, now in a matter of seconds

00:20:13 you can grow a rich, luxurious head of hair.

00:20:15 Go from a baldy to a shaggy in the mere tick of a clock. There.

00:20:19 Now watch closely, here's the result

00:20:21 of using Muppets' hair-growing tonic.

00:20:28 [Stammers] Perhaps we should call it "hair-raising" tonic.

00:20:31 [Snickers]

00:20:35 Hey, Kermit? Kermit, I found some guys who'll get rid of the cow for you.

00:20:38 - That's great. Who are they? - The Zuccini Brothers.

00:20:41 The human cannonball act?

00:20:42 Yeah, but now they're gonna change it to a cow cannonball act.

00:20:46 - [Chattering] - OK, now we get it. There's the cow.

00:20:50 [Clamoring]

00:20:51 Wait, wait, wait. No, no, no. I'm a frog. The cow's over there.

00:20:55 [Zuccini brothers] Oh!

00:20:56 First, we gotta put the cow into the cannon.

00:21:01 I don't believe this. I'm gonna go introduce Julie Andrews.

00:21:07 And now, ladies and gentlemen, once again,

00:21:09 Miss Julie Andrews.

00:21:23 [Whistling]

00:21:31 [# Whistle a Happy Tune]

00:21:47 - [Roars] - [Shouts]

00:21:59 - Look! - [Giggles]

00:22:38 OK, kids, this has been a lot of fun.

00:22:40 I think we should now pretend I get away.

00:22:46 Oh!

00:22:51 [Julie screams]

00:22:53 Oh, help!

00:22:57 Don't be afraid, Julie. We only wanted your autograph for a picture.

00:23:03 Well, I don't happen to have a pen on me at the moment.

00:23:05 There's one at the police station around the corner.

00:23:08 - Come with me. - [Monster] Great! Come on!

00:24:00 We've come to the end of another Muppet Show

00:24:02 and I must say that this one has been a particularly moo-ving experience.

00:24:08 But before we go, let's have a warm thank you to our special guest star,

00:24:11 ladies and gentlemen, Miss Julie Andrews!

00:24:14 [Applause and cheering]

00:24:17 Thank you. Thank you, Kermit.

00:24:19 I've really had a super time on the show.

00:24:22 - Oh, good. - Except for one thing.

00:24:24 What's that?

00:24:26 Well, I seem to have lost my cow around here somewhere.

00:24:30 Cow? That was your cow?

00:24:32 [Cannon blast]

00:24:35 Kermit, what was that?

00:24:37 [Stammers] Nothing.

00:24:39 [Shouting]

00:24:43 We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show.

00:24:45 Kermit, about my cow.

00:24:47 - Uh... - It was quite small.

00:24:49 Have you seen a cow here, has lovely brown eyes

00:24:52 and big lashes?

00:24:54 [Chattering]

00:24:56 - You've seen her? - [Goatherd yodeling]

00:24:59 [Chattering]

00:25:02 That's funny, she was here when I came in.

00:25:24 Wanna go to a movie or...

00:25:26 ...grab a steak?