Episode 219: Peter Sellers/transcript

00:00:08 [Knocking on door]

00:00:10 Peter Sellers, 15 seconds to curtain, Mr. Sellers. Gonzo?

00:00:14 [Grunting]

00:00:17 - [Shouts] - [Knife twangs]

00:00:19 Fifteen seconds? I should live so long.

00:00:24 [Drumroll]

00:00:26 It's The Muppet Show, with our special guest star, Mr. Peter Sellers.

00:00:31 [Applause and whistles]

00:00:45 # Lt's time to play the music Lt's time to light the light

00:00:49 # Lt's time to meet the Muppets on The Muppet Show tonight

00:00:53 # Lt's time to put on makeup Lt's time to dress up right

00:00:57 # Lt's time to get things started

00:00:59 - [coughs to beat of music] - [Blows nose]

00:01:02 # Lt's time to get things started

00:01:03 # On the most sensational, inspirational

00:01:06 # celebrational, Muppetational

00:01:08 # This is what we call The Muppet Show #

00:01:18 Thief.

00:01:22 [Applause]

00:01:23 Welcome, welcome, to The Muppet Show.

00:01:25 Hey, tonight's guest star is one of the great film stars of the world.

00:01:30 He is the epitome of the witty, urbane Englishman,

00:01:33 so, naturally, we've asked him to play a demented gypsy violinist.

00:01:38 Listen, I run the show and I don't understand it.

00:01:40 Anyhow, here he is now, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Peter Sellers.

00:01:52 It is I, Boris.

00:01:54 With his sobbing violin.

00:01:56 We have got any requests?

00:01:58 Yes, but you gonna play anyway.

00:02:01 [All laughing]

00:02:03 Such unkindness is to break the heart, huh?

00:02:08 # A gypsy' s heart is yearning

00:02:12 # A gypsy's blood is churning

00:02:15 # A gypsy's brain is learning

00:02:20 # A gypsy's roast is burning

00:02:25 # There are tears on the strings

00:02:30 # Of a gypsy's violin

00:02:33 # And tears fall on the bow as he cries

00:02:38 [crying]

00:02:40 # Poor poor gypsy

00:02:43 # Now L cannot play

00:02:46 # Until my violin dries

00:02:50 # So-oh-oh

00:02:53 # Play zigeuner play, play, play

00:02:56 # Leave all your sorrows be forgotten

00:03:00 # Play zigeuner play, play, play

00:03:02 # Even though your playing may be rotten

00:03:06 [Boris] Who said that? Something's rotten here.

00:03:09 - Not me, not me, Boris. - You say some rotten things here.

00:03:13 # Oh, the gypsy's heart is aching

00:03:15 # And the gypsy's heart is sad

00:03:18 # As he dances to the beating tambourines

00:03:22 [all] Oh!

00:03:27 # Once his love gave him golden earrings

00:03:32 # And now his ears are turning green

00:03:35 # So-oh-oh

00:03:38 # Play zigeuner play, play, play

00:03:41 # Play with all your delicate precision

00:03:44 # Play zigeuner play, play, play

00:03:47 # Soon you'll be replaced by television

00:03:51 # Play play play play

00:03:54 # Play gypsy play, play play play play

00:03:58 # Play gypsy play, play play play play

00:04:02 # Play gypsy play, play play play play

00:04:04 [rapidly] # Play play play

00:04:13 Listen, any more talk like that and I will play.

00:04:17 # Play gypsy

00:04:20 # Play #

00:04:31 I love good gypsy music.

00:04:33 - So? - So, I wish they'd play some.

00:04:37 - [Cheering, whooping] - Quiet, quiet, quiet backstage!

00:04:41 Backstage is quiet!

00:04:43 Next time I think I'm going to schedule a nice, quiet Gregorian chant.

00:04:47 [Motorcycle revs]

00:04:49 Gangway! Cancel my motorcycle act, Kermit!

00:04:52 - Gonzo! - [Crashing]

00:04:56 Oh, what a day this has been.

00:04:57 If this keeps up, I'm gonna wind up talking to myself.

00:05:02 Ooh, my, my. Another scientific breakthrough for Muppet Labs.

00:05:06 Bunsen Honeydew, what do you mean sneaking up on me like that?

00:05:11 Something's going on here.

00:05:13 I've been shouted at, run down by a motorcycle,

00:05:15 - and now I'm... - Hey, Kermit?

00:05:17 You're talking to yourself.

00:05:20 Thank goodness we got a quiet song coming up.

00:05:30 # When the whippoorwill is singing in the forest

00:05:36 That's a whippoorwill right there.

00:05:38 # When the little brook is murmuring a tune

00:05:43 # When the mockingbird is chirping in the wild wood

00:05:49 # And a lonely wolf is howling at the moon

00:05:53 [howls]

00:05:56 # When the leaves of the old oak tree start a-rustling

00:06:01 # And a waterfall makes sounds like woman's tears

00:06:06 # When the whole world is filled

00:06:09 # With Mother Nature's noises

00:06:13 # That's the time to stuff cotton in your ears #

00:06:20 You never know when something funny is gonna happen on this show.

00:06:24 - Did something funny happen? - Yeah.

00:06:26 You'd never know it.

00:06:29 Rowlf, that was supposed to be a nice, quiet number.

00:06:35 - [Beaker making noises] - Beaker!

00:06:36 - [Alarmed cry] - [Crashing]

00:06:41 Beaker?! What is it with you guys from the lab?

00:06:44 Where's Bunsen and now you? What are you guys trying to do to us?!

00:06:47 - Hey, Kermit? - What is it?

00:06:49 Now you're shouting at yourself.

00:06:54 [Imitates woman] Tell John Brown we are ready to receive him.

00:07:00 Peter, what is this?

00:07:03 It was to have been, my dear Kermit,

00:07:05 it was to have been a grand impersonation

00:07:08 of her late Majesty, Queen Victoria,

00:07:16 But, but, uh, what went wrong?

00:07:19 I couldn't remember what she looked like.

00:07:23 I just love all your wild characters, Peter.

00:07:26 But, you know, backstage here, you can just relax and be yourself.

00:07:29 Mmm, mmm, but that, you see, my dear Kermit,

00:07:32 would be altogether impossible.

00:07:34 I could never be myself.

00:07:35 - Never yourself? - No.

00:07:37 You see, there is no me. I do not exist.

00:07:43 I, I beg your pardon?

00:07:51 - Yes? - There used to be a me.

00:07:53 - Mm-hmm. - But, I had it surgically removed.

00:08:02 Can we change the subject?

00:08:04 Oh, certainly, certainly.

00:08:05 Um... as a matter of fact,

00:08:08 you might just be interested in a new act I have recently perfected.

00:08:14 - Um... - Well, what is it?

00:08:16 - Well, it's original, it's original. - Yeah?

00:08:20 I recite the soliloquy from Shakespeare's Richard the Third,

00:08:25 whilst, and at the same time,

00:08:28 playing tuned chickens.

00:08:31 So, you recite the soliloquy from Shakespeare's Richard the Third,

00:08:35 whist, and at the same time, playing tuned chickens?

00:08:39 You have it, my dear, Kermit. You have it.

00:08:41 Tuned chickens, mmm, once more into the bridge.

00:08:49 [Clears throat]

00:08:50 And now, is the winter of our discontent...

00:08:54 [clucking]

00:08:55 ... made glorious summer...

00:08:57 [clucking]

00:08:58 ... by this sun of York.

00:09:00 [Clucking]

00:09:01 - And all the clouds... - [clucking]

00:09:04 - ... that lour'd upon our house... - [clucking]

00:09:06 ... in the deep bosom of the ocean buried.

00:09:10 [Clucking]

00:09:13 Thank you.

00:09:18 - [Kermit stammers] - They did fine.

00:09:20 - I enjoy a good ticking. - [Kermit stammering]

00:09:24 That act is really wonderful.

00:09:26 - Uh, but you can't do that on our show. - Why ever not?

00:09:29 Because Gonzo just did it last month.

00:09:32 It died, Peter.

00:09:35 It was terrible. I mean, they've got no taste around here.

00:09:38 Ooh, but you're absolutely right, my dear Gonzo.

00:09:41 They have no taste at all.

00:09:46 Where did he go?

00:09:47 Well, that's been happening all day around here. I don't know why.

00:09:50 But, if people or objects suddenly appear or disappear, try to ignore them.

00:09:55 [Stammers] Cancel that last remark!

00:09:58 - Run! - I have a pressing appointment!

00:10:02 Oh, thank goodness he got away in time.

00:10:08 Uh, unlike some people around here.

00:10:15 [Applause]

00:10:16 And now, ladies and gentlemen...

00:10:18 ...uh, my foot is stuck.

00:10:20 Uh, and now, ladies and gentlemen... who chews gum around here?

00:10:24 Uh, the Great Gonzo also sings and...

00:10:27 uh, here he is to sing an old favorite, Down Memory Lane.

00:10:30 [Cries out] Ladies and gentlemen, the Great Gonzo.

00:10:34 [Applause]

00:12:06 [Applause]

00:12:15 [Straining]

00:12:18 [Exhales]

00:12:19 One.

00:12:27 Seventy-two.

00:12:31 [Grunts] Seventy-three.

00:12:33 Somebody call for a masseur?

00:12:35 Oh, yes, Doc, good.

00:12:38 [Chuckles] Well, I'm just here to try to...

00:12:42 ...loosen up your knotty little body, yes? [chuckling]

00:12:47 - Go ahead, Doc. - I shall start here.

00:12:50 - [Moaning] - How does that feel?

00:12:52 You like that?

00:12:54 - Oh, yeah. - Good.

00:12:56 Well, the next thing I must do

00:12:58 is to test out the elasticity of the tendons in the leg areas.

00:13:08 - By the use of the simple thing... - Ow!

00:13:11 Yes.

00:13:13 I'm sure I didn't miss you, I'm a very good shot.

00:13:19 Tell me, Link, if you can feel that the flab is moving. How is that?

00:13:25 - [Groans] - How is that?

00:13:27 And again is on this one here.

00:13:32 [Groans]

00:13:34 Oh, Dr. De Ericlever is pleased, you know.

00:13:37 Very unusual feeling.

00:13:40 Oh, Link, I'm going to try both of them in this.

00:13:43 - How is that? Feel that? - Oh! Yeah.

00:13:47 Doing you good, Linky?

00:13:50 Yay, I caught it.

00:13:56 Ah, Link, let me see if it has done what I need.

00:14:01 Oh, yes.

00:14:07 Yes, yes.

00:14:09 Yes, I think also...

00:14:12 Yes, this is necessary. Are you prepared for a bit of manipulation here?

00:14:17 I'm going to easily bring this leg around...

00:14:22 ...up! - Ahh!

00:14:25 Oh.

00:14:27 - You did not feel that, Link? - Oh, no.

00:14:30 - Your muscles are in good condition. - Oh, yeah.

00:14:33 I can tell a good muscle when I feel one, Link.

00:14:37 And this one will have to close our other side!

00:14:44 That is leaving your arms free at the moment, you know.

00:14:47 Oh, yeah.

00:14:48 But, is necessary when in this position,

00:14:51 for the vertebras and the deltoids, you understand,

00:14:55 to bring this arm here and the other arm there.

00:15:03 And putting this here like this.

00:15:07 Wait, Link, you've got my arm in here.

00:15:11 Let go of me, Link.

00:15:14 Let go of my arm, Link.

00:15:18 Thank you, Link.

00:15:20 I can see you like to keep it when you've got it, huh?

00:15:25 Why don't I put that here?

00:15:27 Is that my foot?

00:15:29 Ah, Linky, how do you feel?

00:15:33 Ah, yes, well, very different, Doc.

00:15:35 All that blood is circulating nicely on your body.

00:15:38 Mm-hm.

00:15:39 Good. I can see that you are in real good condition now, Link.

00:15:44 - [Moan] - Same time next week.

00:15:52 Doc?

00:15:55 Doc?

00:15:58 Help!

00:16:01 Help!

00:16:03 - [Link] Help! - Was that supposed to end that way?

00:16:06 I don't think so.

00:16:07 - Go check the next act, please. - Yes, sir.

00:16:10 Kermit, take it easy. Come on, now.

00:16:13 Uh, Kermit, that's the best massage I've ever had.

00:16:18 - Hmm. - That Peter O'Toole is good.

00:16:22 Hey! Peter O'Toole? Link!

00:16:24 [Both scream]

00:16:26 [Glass breaking]

00:16:28 [Stammers] What is this? I think I'm going crazy today!

00:16:32 Kermit! Oh, Kermit!

00:16:34 Kermit! Oh, no! The next act just cancelled.

00:16:37 [Cries out] What? But, that was a terrific act.

00:16:41 It was Prunella and her Prancing Poultry.

00:16:44 Yeah... Kermit, see, about that poultry...

00:16:48 ...yesterday duck hunting season began.

00:16:52 [Sighs]

00:16:53 I don't want to hear about it. I will go and explain to the audience.

00:16:58 Uh... uh, ladies and gentlemen,

00:17:00 I don't know how to tell you this,

00:17:03 frankly, the next act can't make it.

00:17:05 They're otherwise engaged with a lot of orange sauce, I'm afraid.

00:17:10 Anyhow, I don't have anything to replace it.

00:17:16 Oh, boy.

00:17:17 You may have noticed that we're not terribly well organized around here,

00:17:21 and tonight I'm just barely making it, I don't know...

00:17:24 ...sometimes it's very difficult.

00:17:33 # Lt's not easy being green

00:17:39 # Having to spend each day the color of the leaves

00:17:46 # When L think it could be nicer

00:17:49 # Being red or yellow or gold

00:17:53 # Or something much more colorful like that

00:18:01 # Lt's not easy bein' green

00:18:06 # Lt seems you blend in with so many other ordinary things

00:18:13 # And people tend to pass you over

00:18:17 # Cause you're not standing out like flashy sparkles in the water

00:18:21 # Or stars in the sky

00:18:29 # But green's the color of spring

00:18:34 # And green can be cool and friendly-like

00:18:43 # And green can be big like a mountain

00:18:48 # Or important like a river

00:18:52 # Or tall like a tree

00:19:03 # When green is all there is to be

00:19:09 # Lt could make you wonder why

00:19:14 # But why wonder

00:19:17 # Why wonder

00:19:20 # L'm green and it'll do fine

00:19:25 It's beautiful.

00:19:27 # And L think it's what L want to be #

00:19:34 [birds singing]

00:19:40 [Applause]

00:19:49 Welcome again to Muppet Labs where the future is being made today.

00:19:54 Well, I am just bubbly with excitement.

00:19:57 We have just been testing our new Muppet Labs teleporter

00:20:00 and it works perfectly.

00:20:02 You see, a teleporter is a device which instantly transports people

00:20:06 from one place to another.

00:20:08 A-ha! So, that's what's been happening here.

00:20:11 You have been zapping people in and out of my theater!

00:20:14 [Stammers] I'm in the midst of a very important demonstration.

00:20:17 Yeah? Well, listen, I'm in the midst of a nervous breakdown.

00:20:20 You cannot go zapping people around...

00:20:23 As I was saying, our new teleporter works perfectly.

00:20:27 A few minutes ago, I sent my assistant, Beaker,

00:20:30 hurtling through space to the deepest jungles in Africa.

00:20:33 And now we will bring him back.

00:20:40 Beaker, put that gorilla back!

00:20:43 You don't know where he's been.

00:20:46 [Clears throat] There.

00:20:48 Back to Africa they go. And now just Beaker will return.

00:20:53 [Kermit yelling] This has got to stop, Dr. Honeydew!

00:20:57 - [Shouting] - [Stammers]

00:20:59 That's all today from Muppet Labs.

00:21:01 You bet that's all!

00:21:06 I am gonna make this introduction.

00:21:09 - Ladies and gentlemen... - Now is the winter of our discontent.

00:21:13 Peter! You're supposed to be in your costume for your next number.

00:21:16 - I beg your pardon. - Wait. By the way...

00:21:19 - Yes? - The show is running a bit long.

00:21:21 - So try to be short. - Short? Yes.

00:21:23 How about this?

00:21:27 He takes things so literally.

00:21:30 Ladies and gentlemen, I take pride in presenting

00:21:33 the incredible Peter Sellers!

00:21:36 [Applause]

00:21:41 A preachment, dear friends, you're about to receive,

00:21:45 on John Barleycorn, nicotine and the temptations of Eve.

00:21:49 - Yay! - Let's hear it.

00:21:52 You will, brother, you will.

00:21:54 Melodies, please.

00:22:00 [# Cigarettes, Whiskey and Wild, Wild Women]

00:22:38 I believe, I'll give it up!

00:23:21 - Same temptation. - Somebody get that bum outta here.

00:24:13 Hallelujah brother.

00:24:15 [Applause]

00:24:24 OK, well, that's about it for this show but, before we go,

00:24:27 let us have a warm thank you for our very special guest star,

00:24:30 ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Peter Sellers!

00:24:33 [Applause]

00:24:36 Thank you very much, indeed.

00:24:38 Uh, well, there you are.

00:24:42 Were.

00:24:44 Am.

00:24:47 This is all too much for me. We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show.

00:25:27 Well, what did you think?

00:25:30 Yeah, I know what you...