Episode 102: Connie Stevens/transcript

It's The Muppet Show with our very

special guest star, Connie Stevens,

And from Sesame

Street, Ernie and Bert,

It's time to play the music

It's time to light the lights

It's time to meet the Muppets

on The Muppet Show tonight

It's time to put on makeup

It's time to dress up right

It's time to raise the curtain

on The Muppet Show tonight

Hey! That Gonzo is so dumb, he just

heard that we're running short of water,

so he wants us to dilute it,

To introduce our guest star

That's what I'm here to do

So it really makes me happy

To introduce to you

Miss Connie Stevens!

But now let's get things started

on the most sensationaI, inspirationaI

celebrationaI, MuppetationaI

This is what we call The Muppet Show

Thank you, thank you, thank you,

and welcome to The Muppet Show.

Hey, our special guest star is the

beautifuI and vivacious Miss Connie Stevens,

So we're gonna have a

great show for you tonight,

and matter of fact, right now I'd like

you to meet another friend of mine,

Her name is Lydia, Hit it!

Lydia, oh, Lydia,

say, have you met Lydia?

Lydia the tattooed lady

She has eyes that folks adore so

And a torso even more so

Lydia, oh, Lydia, that encyclopedia

Oh, Lydia the queen of tattoo

On her back is the

battle of Waterloo

Beside it the wreck

of the Hesperus too

And proudly above waves

the red, white and blue

You can learn a lot from Lydia

La da daa

Da da dum

La da daa

Da da dum

She can give you a view

of the world in tattoo

If you step up and tell her where

For a dime you can

see Kankakee or Paris

Or Washington crossing the Delaware

Ã¢â?¢Âª La da daa

Ã¢â?¢Âª Da da dum

Loo doo doo

Doo doo

Lydia, oh, Lydia,

say, have you met Lydia?

Oh, Lydia the tattooed lady

When her muscles start relaxing

Up the hill comes Andrew Jackson

Lydia, oh, Lydia,

oh, have you met Lydia?

Oh, Lydia the champ of them all

She once swept an

admiraI clear off his feet

The ships on her hips

made his heart skip a beat

And now the old boy's

in command of the fleet

For he went and married Lydia

Oh, uh, Piggy, Have you met Lydia?

No, Have you met my left fist?

- Hmm?

I love it, I love it,

Of course he loves it, He's the

kind of guy who plants poison ivy,

Hilda, Hilda, Could I

ask a great big favor?

Oh, Gonzo, I'm very busy right now,

Oh, but I brought my teddy bear in

just especially for you to repair,

Gonzo, aren't you a little old

to carry around a teddy bear?

Really? You think I'm emotionally mature

enough to move up to a Raggedy Ann?

Gonzo, I categorically,

absolutely refuse

to repair that teddy bear,

Can I take that to mean "maybe"?

- Oh!

Oh, come on, Hilda,

What do you say? Huh?

I say that bear is the worst thing

I have ever seen in this theater,

Why not get rid of him?

But, but Hilda

The bear is the worst thing

she's ever seen in this theater?

My whole life is

flashing before my eyes,

English word der Swedish meatballs,

Here is der sauce der meatballs,

Das good, Oop!

Oh,

Is a beencey bouncy burger, eh?

I serve de burger

1 5-love,

Kermit, this is an ultimatum,

We sing tonight or else,

Kermit's not here, Wayne,

- Hmm, Hiding from my wrath, no doubt,

That's funny, He's

not on stage, either,

Wanda, no one is on stage,

- You mean

Yes, This is our

chance, We must grasp it,

But this is supposed to be the

place for the Connie Stevens spot,

Oh, we'll cut the Connie Stevens spot,

Who needs the Connie Stevens spot?

Who cares about the

Connie Stevens spot?

I can't wait for the

Connie Stevens spot!

Well, I thought Kermit

was gonna introduce me,

And indeed he shall,

- Hi, Kermit,

Hi, Connie, Wow, Hey, listen, gang,

I'd like to introduce that

indefatigable blonde bundle

of beauty and talent,

Miss Connie Stevens,

Wow!

And that was only your

backstage introduction,

When you sing your song, I'm

gonna pull out all the stops,

Aw, thanks, Kermit, You're so kind,

- It was my pleasure,

Incidentally, I've been looking

at this number you're gonna do,

and I don't remember

ever hearing it before,

Yeah, well, when I get done with

it, you may never hear it again,

Listen, it was a big hit back in the '50s,

- Oh, yeah?

And I would like to dedicate this

to my old boyfriend, Jimmy McAfee,

He used to sing this to me in his hot

rod back in 1 956, in the front seat,

Oh, yeah? Your first love, huh?

- Yeah,

Sure was a beautifuI car,

I I, I meant Jimmy McAfee,

Oh, yeah, Jimmy McAfee,

Kermit, boy, did I love him,

He had this long, thick,

greasy hair, you know,

And he used to wear

this big leather jacket,

And you know something? If

we had saved Jimmy's hair

we wouldn't have any

oiI shortage today,

I can't wait to hear the song, And like I told

you earlier, we got a group to back you up,

Fantastic!

Is that the group?

- Yep, You called it,

Well, they aren't The Temptations,

No, those are The Mutations,

DelightfuI,

- Yeah, Well, I tell you what,

I'm gonna go out there, and give you a big

1 950s disc-jockey style introduction, OK?

OK,

- Whoo!

This is Kermit the

Frog, your favorite jock,

with all the top tunes of today

spinning merrily out your way,

Stacks and stacks of wax and wax, and this

is a golden oldie, a blast from the past,

The fabulous Connie

Stevens and The Mutations

with a platter that

mattered way back in 1 956,

Let's lock on "Teenager In

Love," Connie, you're on!

Each time we have a quarreI

It almost breaks my heart

'Cause I am so afraid

That we will have to part

Each night I ask the stars up above

Why must I be a teenager in love?

I cried a tear

For nobody but you

I'd be the lonely one

If you should say we're through

Well, if you want to make me cry

That won't be so hard to do

And if you should say goodbye

I'll still go on loving you

'Cause each night I

ask the stars up above

Why must I be a teenager in love?

Why must I be a teenager

In love?

Ah, how poignant, I remember

being a teenager in love,

Yeah, but Queen Victoria

wouldn't have you!

Kermit, don't tell me

you don't like him either,

Well, what's to like, Gonzo? That bear is

the worst, I say let's get rid of him, OK?

But he's a nice bear, Come on, I don't

care if he is moldy-looking, I like him,

Did you hear? Only Gonzo likes me,

And he thinks I'm moldy,

I see they've finally started

to class this place up,

How do you mean?

- They're making the rats wear neckties,

two, three, dip,

One, two, three, dip,

One, two, three, dip,

One, two, three, dip,

Bruce, this is not a fox trot,

It is to me,

No one to talk with, all by myself

No one to walk with,

but I'm happy on the shelf

Ain't misbehavin',

savin' my love for you

Sca-da-ba-da-doo

I know for certain the one I love

I'm through with flirting,

it's just you I'm dreaming of

Ain't misbehavin',

savin' my love for you

Like Jack Horner in the corner

Don't go nowhere, what do I care?

Your kisses are worth waiting for

Believe me

I don't stay out

late, don't care to go

I'm home about eight,

just me and my radio

Ain't misbehavin',

savin' my love for you

Believe me

I don't stay out

late, don't care to go

I'm home about 8,

just me and my radio

Ain't misbehaving,

saving my love for you

Be-ba-da-bom

Ahh!

Uh, Connie, at last

- we're alone,

- You know something?

I think it's terrific being with you,

Oh, yeah?

Why do stars fall

down from the skies

Every time you walk by?

Just like me

They long to be

Close to you

Aaa-aaa-aahh

Close to you

Aaa-aaa-aahh

Close to you

On the day that you were

born the angels got together

And decided to

create a dream come true

So they sprinkled moon

dust in your hair of green

And starlight in your eyes of blue

That is why all the girls in town

Follow you around

Ooh, just like me

They long to be

Close to you

Are you ready, fellas?

Just like me

They long to be

Close

To

You

I'd like to get close to Connie Stevens,

but I'm too close to something else,

Well, what's that?

- 90,

I've had it, Now that I know

what people think of me here,

I'm leaving the show,

Oh, hi, guys, Say, I'm

curious, What do you think of him?

Listen, they're talking about

me, Well, I will not listen,

What do I think of the

bear? Why, he's funny,

No, no, really, Every time I look at

him he makes me want to laugh and laugh,

Oh, I think he's just great,

- Oh, well, I'm glad you like him too,

Kermit thinks it's a

disgrace to have him around

and says we ought to get a new one,

Well, that'd be nice too,

The bear can barely bear it, folks,

OK, Zoot, It's time for your solo,

Have you looked over the music?

Yeah, You expect me to play this, man?

- What else would you do with it?

If I had a match I could

put it out of its misery,

Don't joke me, Zoot, This

is a great little number,

Yeah, What if I refuse to play it?

What if I get a new sax player?

What if you and I just get right

down to it and do this little beauty?

Good thought,

- Yeah,

Forgive me, Charlie

Parker, wherever you are,

OK, And now, for your

amazement and confusion,

The Muppet Show's resident

weird person, Gonzo the Great,

will grow a tomato plant

whilst playing the 1 8 1

2 Overture on the violin,

Thank you, thank you,

This is the tomato

plant, and I am the Gonzo,

This act may not last long,

Whoo!

Whee-aaa-hahah! -

In fact, it's over,

No! Get off me!

Well, they're gonna

be tied up for a while,

Goodbye, Mr, Frog,

- Uh, Fozzie? Where are you going?

Oh, I've been hearing what they've

been saying about the old bear here,

so I'm going home, I'm

leaving the show business,

But

- Kermit,

Bye,

- If the bear goes, I go,

Wha Gonzo, I never

realized! Oh, boy, oh, boy, OK,

OK, The ball is in your court, frog,

Uh, wait a minute, Wait a minute,

wait a minute, Hold it, Hold it,

Listen, Fozzie, when

you heard people saying

they didn't want the bear around here,

they were referring to Gonzo's teddy bear,

Not to you,

Teddy bear?

Oh, you mean Then you really

want me to stay on the show?

Of course I want you to stay

on the show, You're a star,

You're a legend in your own time,

- Oh!

Am I laying it on a little too thick?

- Oh, I don't know what to say,

except that if you, the frog,

want me, the bear, to stay, then

I just have to have a raise,

- What?

Oh, yeah, Yeah, I want an even bigger

dressing room, and a limousine

Will you get out of here, Fozzie?

- Thank you, sir, Thank you, Thank you,

Yeah, well, like I was saying, Kermit,

if the bear goes, the Gonzo goes,

OK, OK,

You can stay, The teddy bear can stay,

Both bears can stay, The Gonzo can stay,

Phew!

Sometimes the crown weighs rather

heavy on this little froggy head,

Here's

a Muppet news flash,

And now, to Washington DC for

a direct call on our hot line,

Ooh! Oh! Oh!

And now it's time to present

two old friends of ours,

All the way from Sesame Street,

here they are now, the two and only,

Ernie and Bert,

Thank you, thank you, thank you,

Gee, it's really great

to be here, Right, Bert?

Uh Guess so,

Well, what's wrong, Bert?

- Well, I mean, uh

I feeI funny being here, This is

a big TV variety show, you know,

Well, so?

- Well, I I'm no performer,

Oh, Bert, A suave, sophisticated

showman like you, Bert?

Oh, sure, sure, You see, I know you,

You're gonna keep on saying

I'm suave and sophisticated,

and then when I start to believe it, then

you're gonna say how pointy head I have,

and how floppy arms I have,

and, and how dull I am,

I know you,

- Oh, Bert, Bert, Bert,

What?

- Now, you must admit, though, Bert,

that the head up there is

a little bit pointy, Bert,

And you must admit that the arms are

a little bit floppy and soggy, Bert,

See that? -

Mm-hm, Mm-hm, Mm-hm,

And Bert? Bert?

- What?

The nose is still loose, Bert,

Now cut that out!

- Oh, oh, I'm sorry, Bert, Here,

There we go, Bert,

- Yeah, See what I mean?

I mean, that old loose nose

joke is funny on Sesame Street,

but this is big time, Ernie,

I mean, they're expecting

an act or something

Hey, Bert, wait a minute,

- What?

You can do an act,

All you need are the clothes, Bert,

- Ah, no Clothes?

Come here, Bert, Step right over here,

- No, I No, stop it

No, no, right over here, Bert,

- I know what you have in mind, Stop it!

And here he is now, that

suave, sophisticated showman,

my old buddy, Bert,

Well, Bert? What do you say?

Some enchanted evening

Beg pardon, Bert?

- # You may see a stranger

What's going on here?

You may see a stranger

Across a crowded room

And somehow you know

You know even then

That somewhere you'll see her

Again and again

Who can explain it?

Who can tell you why?

Fools give you reasons

Wise men never

Try

Oh, Connie,

Once you have found her

Never let her go

Once you have found her

Never

Let her

Go

Ernie?

- Hmm?

Ernie, come here,

- What, Bert?

Did I just make a

complete fooI of myself?

Absolutely, Bert,

Take me home, I feeI terrible,

- OK, Come on, Bert,

Well, Connie, we sure want to thank you

for being with us on the show tonight,

Well, thank you, Kermit, I had a ball,

Uh, listen, Hey, we'd also like

to present you with a little gift

that we give to all our

guest stars on the show:

a Muppet likeness of yourself,

Uh, hiya, Connie, Do you think there's

room for two of us in this business?

Well, can you sing and dance?

- Uh, no,

Well, then, there's plenty of room,

Thanks a lot, Kermit, This is a lovely

surprise, I would like to thank

Oh, no,

It's a

It's a crazy Great Gonzo tomato

plant! Hey, make sure Connie's OK,

and tell Gonzo that either

the plant goes or he goes,

We lose more guests that way,

Anyhow, take care of yourselves, and

we'll see you next time on The Muppet Show.

Well, do you think this

show is educationaI?

Yes, it'll drive people to read books,