Episode 218: Jaye P. Morgan/transcript

00:00:08 [Knocking on door]

00:00:09 Jaye P. Morgan? Jaye P. Morgan, 15 seconds to curtain, Miss Morgan.

00:00:14 - Scooter, I have a present for you. - Ah, gee, thanks.

00:00:18 Hey, this is a...

00:00:21 This is not going to be just another cute puppet show.

00:00:26 [Drumroll]

00:00:28 It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star Miss Jaye P. Morgan.

00:00:34 [Applause]

00:00:47 # Lt's time to play the music Lt's time to light the light

00:00:51 # Lt's time to meet the Muppets on The Muppet Show tonight

00:00:55 # Lt's time to put on makeup Lt's time to dress up right

00:00:59 # Lt's time to get things started

00:01:01 Let's get this turkey on the road!

00:01:03 # Lt's time to get things started on the most sensational

00:01:07 # Lnspirational, celebrational Muppetational

00:01:10 # This is what we call

00:01:12 # The Muppet Show #

00:01:19 [wild laughing]

00:01:24 - [Applause] - Thank you, thank you!

00:01:26 Here we are again with another one of those things titled The Muppet Show.

00:01:30 Starting off, we are going to do the very first piece of material

00:01:33 the Muppets ever did.

00:01:34 No kidding. It was a little song entitled Tweedlee Dee.

00:01:37 We first did it 23 years ago.

00:01:40 But tonight we have new and cute version of it done by our special guest star,

00:01:45 ladies and gentlemen, Jaye P. Morgan. Yay!

00:01:50 [# Tweedlee Dee]

00:02:13 Tweedlee tweedlee dee? What am I doing here?

00:02:17 I mean, this is really corny.

00:02:23 And I'm dressing with a bunch of pigs.

00:02:26 Then they put me in this bird-brained costume.

00:02:29 Want me to be cute? The feathers smell like a skunk.

00:02:32 Then I gotta sing.

00:02:55 Ooh-wee, you are one cute bird, Jaye P.

00:02:58 I'm getting sick, too.

00:03:00 Fact, you're one cute Jaye bird, Jaye P.

00:03:03 - [Laughs] - Oh, terrific.

00:03:05 Now they're making bad jokes on my name.

00:03:07 - I thought it was funny. - This is the worst.

00:03:10 - What're you gonna ask me to do next? - Modulate, Jaye P., modulate.

00:03:14 Woo-hoo!

00:03:23 Going into a coma.

00:03:34 Dumb is right.

00:03:39 All right, here we go, head for home.

00:03:41 Home it is!

00:03:48 - [Branches rustling] - Dumb.

00:03:55 Oh, Jaye P. Morgan is terrific.

00:03:59 Yep, but that number was for the birds.

00:04:02 You had to do that joke, huh?

00:04:04 One of us had to and I lost the toss.

00:04:10 - Cheep, cheep! - OK, way to go, bird!

00:04:12 - Cheep, cheep! - Back to your dressing nest.

00:04:15 Oh, Jaye P., that was a terrific number.

00:04:18 - It was? - Oh, it really was.

00:04:20 I just can't tell you what a thrill it is to have you on the show.

00:04:23 Ah, thank you, Kermit. Nice of you to say so.

00:04:26 I'd like to say I'm really indifferent about being here.

00:04:30 Indifferent?

00:04:32 - Yeah, well, you know what I mean. - But, what's wrong?

00:04:35 That last number was terrific. It was really cute.

00:04:38 - Yeah, it was cute, wasn't it? - Oh, it was. It was just so cute.

00:04:43 I hate cute.

00:04:45 Uh, we're in trouble.

00:04:47 Uh, listen, Jaye P., we're not all cute around here.

00:04:50 [Growling] Oh! Jaye P.!

00:04:52 Wait, Animal, don't do it!

00:04:54 I, I... Cute's not the only thing I hate!

00:04:58 Hey, Chef, you're on! Animal!

00:05:03 [Singing in gibberish]

00:05:14 [Speaking in mock Swedish]

00:05:16 Coconut.

00:05:21 It's hard to open the coconut.

00:05:23 It's hard... hard...

00:05:29 ...cut the coconut.

00:05:34 Sawzen, sawzen the coconut.

00:05:37 [Humming]

00:05:42 We got the clubber. Clubber the coconut.

00:05:44 [Hums]

00:05:46 [Mock Swedish]

00:05:55 Oh! It's a bomb?

00:06:02 Oh, wait just a minute.

00:06:04 That's the second time tonight they've used a bomb joke.

00:06:11 Three's a charm.

00:06:15 Hey, bang up job, Chef.

00:06:20 Hey, hey, Kermit. How's Jaye P.?

00:06:22 Oh, she's fine. She's a little upset because the opening number was cute,

00:06:26 - but she's OK now. - Good.

00:06:27 I just sent up a cake to her dressing room.

00:06:30 Mmm.

00:06:31 Wait, Kermit! Not the cake that was here on the table.

00:06:34 - Uh, yeah. Why? - [Groans]

00:06:36 - Crazy Harry baked that. - [Crazy laughter]

00:06:40 [Explosion]

00:06:50 Hey, Kermit, can we get back to the cute part?

00:06:55 Uh, look, Jaye P., I'll be right up.

00:06:57 - Fozzie, go introduce the next number. - Yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes.

00:07:01 Hey, uh, hey. Kermit wants me to do the next introduction.

00:07:05 - [Statler] Oh, yeah? - Well, he's the only one who does.

00:07:09 Hey, come on, guys. No heckling.

00:07:11 I mean, I'm not even out here to tell jokes.

00:07:14 Have you ever been?

00:07:16 Hey, you know that the bear is funny.

00:07:20 You're right. In fact, I never enjoyed you more than I did last week.

00:07:24 Oh, th...

00:07:26 - Well, I didn't do an act last week. - I rest my case.

00:07:30 That's very good.

00:07:32 - [Laughing continues] - [Sighs]

00:07:33 Uh, ladies and gentlemen,

00:07:36 here is Gonzo the Great with a trumpet solo,

00:07:39 Flight of the Bumblebee.

00:07:41 That does it, I'm leaving.

00:07:44 [# Nikolai Rimsky-Korsakov: Flight of the Bumblebee]

00:07:48 - [Bee buzzing] - [Animal growls]

00:07:54 - [Animal growls] - [Rowlf] Ow!

00:07:57 - [Growling] - [Grunting]

00:07:59 - [Gonzo] Ow! - [Crashing]

00:08:04 [Ballroom music playing]

00:08:08 You know, the trouble with women is they always take things personally.

00:08:12 I don't.

00:08:16 The trouble with men is that they're all too wishy-washy.

00:08:20 Well, sometimes yes, and...

00:08:24 ...sometimes no.

00:08:29 The trouble with you is you can't take criticism.

00:08:31 Oh, that's a low-down, rotten lie. What do you mean I can't take...

00:08:36 The trouble with you is you're conceited.

00:08:39 I am not. Although I have every reason to be.

00:08:45 The trouble with you is you're always sticking your nose

00:08:48 into everybody's business.

00:08:51 Ah, what choice have I got?

00:08:55 You know, the trouble with you is you're so stubborn.

00:08:58 You refuse to change.

00:09:00 [Explosion]

00:09:01 Wanna bet?

00:09:07 [# English Country Garden]

00:09:23 [Plays same tune]

00:09:25 Hey. I didn't know you could play the piano.

00:09:27 I didn't know it either.

00:09:29 I'll join in.

00:09:36 Very good. Here I go.

00:09:38 Oh, he's good.

00:09:44 Yeah.

00:09:46 Ahh...

00:09:50 This is my part.

00:09:51 Take it.

00:09:53 - Very good. - Thank you.

00:09:59 Yeah. Together.

00:10:03 [Fozzie] OK.

00:10:05 You take it now, OK? Ready, go!

00:10:10 Ahh...

00:10:13 Come on in.

00:10:19 It's fun. Ahh...

00:10:28 - Ready? Modulate. - What? What's that?

00:10:31 - Yay, you did it. - Thank you. Whatever.

00:10:36 Oh, my hat. What do I do?

00:10:41 - Can you play hatless? - What?

00:10:43 - I said "Can you play hatless?" - I don't know. Who wrote it?

00:10:46 - Keep playing. - Yes, sir.

00:10:49 Oh, that's how it works, huh?

00:10:51 - Just play. - Yes, sir.

00:10:56 Big finish.

00:11:01 - Watch out! - Huh?

00:11:03 - [Both shouting] - [Crashing]

00:11:07 So, Jaye P., how ya doing?

00:11:09 Just terrible.

00:11:12 So far, I've been attacked by Animal and two explosions have gone off next to me.

00:11:16 I'm starting to feel like a moving target around here.

00:11:19 Well, let me explain about those explosions.

00:11:22 On this show explosions are one of our trademarks.

00:11:25 I can believe that.

00:11:26 Uh, and, in fact, on this show things blow up all the time.

00:11:30 I mean, anything can blow up.

00:11:33 - Uh, you see what I mean? - Wow.

00:11:36 - How'd you do that? - It was really quite simple.

00:11:41 In fact, it's rather fun.

00:11:45 I guess you could say you get a bang out of it, huh?

00:11:48 Uh, well, you could say that, but, uh, we did that joke last year.

00:11:52 Check.

00:11:54 - Uh, what else could we talk about? - How about your hat?

00:11:57 Oh, great idea. You know explosions are one of your trademarks?

00:12:01 - Mm-hmm. - Spectacular hats are one of mine.

00:12:04 Ah, that one is fantastic.

00:12:05 I particularly wanted to wear this one on The Muppet Show, too.

00:12:09 Well, why is that?

00:12:15 I guess you could say I blew my top?

00:12:18 - Yeah, well, you could say that but... - [both] We did that joke last year.

00:12:22 - Figures. - Uh...

00:12:23 ...this talk spot is about over. Shall we leave?

00:12:26 - Why not? - After you.

00:12:33 Uh, do you suppose that means we'll never see them again?

00:12:36 Well, we can always hope.

00:12:43 [Vocalizing]

00:12:47 Two, three, four.

00:12:49 [Whistling]

00:13:05 [Vocalizing]

00:13:30 [Vocalizing]

00:13:45 [Announcer] And now, Pigs in Space!

00:13:53 Starring the fatuous Captain Link Hogthrob...

00:13:57 The recalcitrant first mate, Miss Piggy.

00:14:01 And the describable Dr. Strangepork.

00:14:04 When last we left the spaceship Swinetrek,

00:14:07 it was in serious danger as it plummeted towards Earth at an alarming rate.

00:14:12 Uh, Dr. Strangepork,

00:14:14 why are we plummeting toward Earth at an alarming rate?

00:14:18 We've lost the number three engine.

00:14:21 Well, how long will it take to fix it?

00:14:22 We can't. It's really lost, it fell off.

00:14:25 [Groaning]

00:14:27 Is there anything we can do?

00:14:29 Yes, we can maintain our present altitude

00:14:32 if we lighten the weight of the rocket ship.

00:14:35 How much weight will we have to toss overboard?

00:14:37 Um... one pig.

00:14:40 Yeah, that should do it.

00:14:42 - Rather drastic, isn't it? - I wasn't thinking of you, Link.

00:14:46 You're the captain.

00:14:49 Well, then perhaps it isn't so drastic.

00:14:52 Well, I would volunteer myself,

00:14:54 except that I'm the only one who knows how all this technical stuff works.

00:14:59 That's very true.

00:15:01 Well, if it isn't you or me...

00:15:03 [beeping]

00:15:05 [Sighs]

00:15:07 [Sighs]

00:15:11 [Miss Piggy sighs again]

00:15:13 Well, I just finished doing the laundry.

00:15:16 Oh, well, thank you, First Mate Piggy.

00:15:20 But, I'm telling you right now, that is the last laundry this pig is doing.

00:15:25 You can say that again.

00:15:29 - Uh, Miss Piggy? - Hmm?

00:15:31 I have a new assignment for you.

00:15:33 Oh, yes, my captain?

00:15:36 Uh, Dr. Strangepork, do you mind?

00:15:38 Oh, of course. See you later, Link.

00:15:40 Bon voyage, Miss Piggy.

00:15:44 Weird exit line.

00:15:47 Uh, First Mate Piggy,

00:15:49 - I need your help. - Yes! A real assignment. Yes, yes!

00:15:53 - We're losing altitude. - [Gasps]

00:15:56 And we must lighten the weight of the rocket by throwing something overboard.

00:16:00 Oh, and... and you want me to help you decide what?

00:16:05 - No. - Oh?

00:16:06 - We've already decided what. - What?

00:16:11 [Gulps]

00:16:16 Are you out of your mind?!

00:16:20 [Stammers]

00:16:21 No hard feelings, I hope, Miss Piggy.

00:16:23 No hard feelings! Why you... Aah!

00:16:29 Au revoir, fatso.

00:16:34 Fatso this. Hiyah!

00:16:37 - [Link grunting] - [Piggy shouting]

00:16:39 [Announcer] Tune in next week and see the replacement for...

00:16:42 ...Pigs In Space!

00:16:48 [Man] Here is a Muppet news flash.

00:16:50 A charter flight carrying the London Symphony Orchestra

00:16:54 has been forced to jettison some of the musical instruments.

00:16:58 The...

00:17:03 Well, Uncle J.P., sir, I think you'll find that things around your theater

00:17:07 are just the same as last time you came.

00:17:09 That bad, huh?

00:17:12 Well, I'll just have a look around.

00:17:15 I believe in giving the frog a fair trial before I throw him out.

00:17:19 But, sir, uh...

00:17:21 - Hey, Kermit? - Hmm?

00:17:23 I think you should know my Uncle J.P. Grosse, the man who owns this theater,

00:17:27 is making another inspection.

00:17:28 Oh, not J.P. I don't think I can take it.

00:17:32 Of all the people I can't stand to have while we do the show,

00:17:35 J.P. Is the worst!

00:17:38 I mean, J.P. Is without a doubt the most difficult, impossible

00:17:42 - unfriendly... - Uh, uh, oh...

00:17:44 Oh, hi, Jaye P.

00:17:46 [Stammers] Jaye P.!

00:17:48 Uh, when I said J.P., just now, I didn't mean Jaye P., I meant J.P.

00:17:53 - You know what I mean? - No.

00:17:55 - [Clears throat] Uh, right. - Wrong.

00:17:58 Oh, you see, I love having you on the show,

00:18:00 but J.P. Grosse, the man who owns this theater, is the meanest,

00:18:03 stingiest, most heartless person I know.

00:18:06 [Clears throat]

00:18:08 I hope you mean that as a compliment, frog.

00:18:13 I think I just put both feet in my mouth.

00:18:17 [Fanfare playing]

00:18:25 Ladies and gentlemen,

00:18:27 today I talk to you of crime.

00:18:34 A matter of utmost urgency.

00:18:38 We must all be forever on our guard

00:18:41 against this rising wave of banditry.

00:18:45 Yes, yes, banditry and skullduggery...

00:18:49 ...or our entire universe is in danger of being stolen from under us.

00:18:54 My friends...

00:18:57 My friends, I... I caution you to keep out an eagle eye

00:19:01 for the blackguards and rapscallions who are perpetrating this

00:19:05 reign of latrociny.

00:19:09 Latrociny, that means stealing.

00:19:12 What, if it weren't for my own eternal vigilance,

00:19:16 and... and... and... and absolute awareness of crime,

00:19:20 I'm certain that the rising legions of sneak thieves and ne'er-do-wells,

00:19:25 and... and snakes in the grasses would strip this theater...

00:19:30 ...bare.

00:19:39 Uh, now, remember...

00:19:41 ...make watchfulness... Oh!

00:19:43 Uh, your watchword. Thank you and good night.

00:19:48 Wait a minute!

00:19:49 I now realize television has one major advantage

00:19:53 over a live stage show.

00:19:54 Huh? What's that?

00:19:56 A television, you can turn off.

00:20:00 - Hey, Kermit! - You guys better return that eagle!

00:20:04 In about 30 days... or more.

00:20:07 - Hey, chief? - Hmm?

00:20:08 - What's the closing number? - A song with Jaye P.

00:20:11 I think it's gonna be great. At least I hope, we've been a little rough on her.

00:20:14 It's a perfect song for Jaye P. That Old Black Magic.

00:20:17 - I only hope Jaye P. Will do it. - Uh, if the price is right, I'll do it!

00:20:22 Always wanted to sing.

00:20:25 Oh, boy. Having two J.P. S around is really rough.

00:20:29 Glad you recognize talent, kid.

00:20:31 Maybe I'll let you keep the theater.

00:20:34 Now, let's talk about the singing contract.

00:20:38 [Stammers] Well, you see, J.P.,

00:20:40 I'd love for you to sing and I'm sure you've got a swell singing voice,

00:20:44 Yeah, well.

00:20:45 Go introduce Jaye P. Morgan while I handle this.

00:20:47 Yeah, good luck, silver tongue. [scoffs]

00:20:51 - Uh, now, um... - All right, where do I sign?

00:20:54 [Stammers]

00:20:56 Oh, boy.

00:21:01 Ladies and gentlemen, here is one of the really super ladies of song,

00:21:05 Miss Jaye P. Morgan, with That Old Black Magic.

00:21:14 [# That Old Black Magic]

00:24:01 We started this some time ago and it has to end someplace,

00:24:04 so this must be the place.

00:24:07 But before we go, let us have a warm thank you

00:24:09 for our very special guest star,

00:24:11 ladies and gentlemen, Jaye P. Morgan, yay!

00:24:15 Oh! Thank you, thank you.

00:24:18 Thank you. Kermit, it was, oh...

00:24:20 You know, I've been blown up, beaten up, insulted.

00:24:23 Everything's happened to me, but I've had a great time. I mean it.

00:24:27 Oh, well, it tends to be like that around here.

00:24:32 And now, for my first song...

00:24:34 [stammers]

00:24:35 I'd like to dedicate this to the boys at the J.P. Grosse Collection Agency,

00:24:40 # Give me that money Can't get enough...

00:24:43 See you next time on The Muppet Show!

00:25:25 I wonder if anybody watches this show besides us.

00:25:29 Besides me.