Episode 516: Gladys Knight/transcript

Pops: [snoring]

Gladys: Hi, Pops!

Pops: Oh, who are you?

Gladys: I'm the guest on The Muppet Show this week. I'm Gladys Knight.

Pops: Oh, me too. I'm always glad it's night, it's too hot during the day. [laughs] Oh, I hope you didn't mind that.

Gladys: It's okay. I allow one per show.

Pops: Okay, come on in. But be careful, see there's a fella up there fixing the roof. Hey! Be careful up there, we've got an important guest here!

Whatnot: Who?

Pops: She's Gladys Knight.

Whatnot: Yeah, so am I! It means I'm into overtime. [laughs]

Gladys: [shakes ladder]

Whatnot: Hey, I was only funning, lady.

Gladys: I said just one.

"The Muppet Show Theme"

Gonzo: I give autographs after the show.

Kermit: Thank you, thank you, hi-ho, and welcome again to The Muppet Show. Uh, you may notice some workmen around, and that's because we're having our leaky roof fixed. Uh, but they won't interfere with the show. Anyhow, it's going to be a wonderful show because our guest star is the dynamic Gladys Knight! Yes! But first... [bucket drops] Will you get this bucket of nails out of here? But first, this:

"Night and Day"

Statler: Well, those mummies didn't exactly bring the house down.

Waldorf: No, the roofers are handling that.

Whatnot: Uh, are you the frog?

Kermit: Uh, of course I'm the frog. Uh, what's that piece of wood?

Whatnot: Oh, well it's not just any old piece of wood. This is the piece of wood that holds up the roof. It's rotten.

Kermit: Uh, wait a second. If that's the piece that holds up the roof, what's holding up the roof?

Whatnot: My foreman.

Kermit: He's holding the roof up?

Whatnot: Yes. Or, rather, no.

Kermit: Uh, listen guys. I've got to go introduce Gladys Knight. Uh, can you get this fixed?

Foreman: Not me, there's something about heights I don't like.

Kermit: Uh, what's that.

Foreman: Falling from them.

Kermit: Okay, well folks, it's time now to meet our very special guest. So, here she is putting the show on the right track and choo-choo'ing into your station, let's say all aboard as we stop, look, and listen to Miss Gladys Knight, yaaay!

"Friendship Train"

Waldorf: Great number. I love trains.

Statler: Yeah, but planes are safer.

Waldorf: They are?

Statler: Sure. I only rode on a train once and it had an accident.

Waldorf: What happened?

Statler: A plane fell on it.

Kermit: Okay, guys. Great number, Gladys.

Gladys: Hey, thanks Kermit. Hey, you know what? I just love those Mup-Pips.

Fozzie: A-ha, "Mup-Pips"! Ha ha ha.

Gladys: Hey, Fozzie.

Fozzie: Huh?

Gladys: Where'd you learn to drive a train like that?

Fozzie: Oh, oh, I studied. I had train training. A-ha-ha-ha!

Whatnot: Listen, mac. We've got to talk. You are the frog, right?

Kermit: Uh, uh, uh, of course I'm the frog. Who could I be, the Prince of Wales?

Whatnot: Listen, Prince. You've got big problems with this roof of yours.

Kermit: Oh, boy. Can't you fix it?

Whatnot: Hey, I can fix it. But not here.

Kermit: Uh, what's that supposed to mean?

Whatnot: Well, we're going to have to take it in to the shop.

Kermit: What?!

Whatnot: Okay, guys. Signal the crane now, lift her up! Okay, load her on the truck. See you when your roof's finished.

Kermit: Well, when will that be?

Whatnot: Hey, I don't know. These things can take months you know.

Gladys: Excuse me, Kermit? Have you noticed that the roof is missing?

Kermit: Yeah, I noticed that Gladys. But, uh, you must admit that it's a beautiful sunset.

Gladys: Yeah, but I just heard the weather forecast.

Kermit: Rain?

Gladys: No. Snow.

Announcer: And now, Veterinarian's Hospital, the continuing story of a quack who's gone to the dogs.

Piggy: Dr. Bob, how can you operate without a roof?

Dr. Bob: It's better without a roof. Cuts down on the overhead. That's doctor talk.

Piggy: But, suppose it rains.

Dr. Bob: We'll head for the nearest tax shelter. That's more doctor talk. Oh, Nurse Janice!

Janice: Yes, Dr. Bob?

Dr. Bob: Where have you been?

Janice: Taking angry calls from the medical association.

Dr. Bob: Oooh.

Piggy: Dr. Bob, the sky is threatening.

Dr. Bob: Yeah, so is the audience. But that's never stopped us.

Piggy: I don't know whether you should operate.

Janice: Well, let's ask the patient. He can tell us. He's a weather man.

Dr. Bob: You mean he knows whether or not I should operate?

[lightning flash]

Dr. Bob: I didn't think it was that bad.

Whatnot: [singing] Don't know why there's no sun up in the sky...

Dr. Bob: I do. Because it's night time. Pretty dumb weather man.

Janice: Oh, no he's not. He's a singing weather man. He's just telling you it's stormy weather.

Dr. Bob: I don't believe this.

Piggy: But, he's right. It is stormy weather. I just felt some raindrops.

Whatnot: [singing] ..."keep falling on my head, they keep falling."

Dr. Bob: There's gonna be more than that falling on your head. Where's that barometer?

Announcer: And so we come to the end of another Veterinarian's Hospital.

Dr. Bob: He must be on a cloud.

Announcer: Tune in next week when you'll hear Nurse Piggy say...

Piggy: Dr. Bob, it's getting worse. It's beginning to hail.

Dr. Bob: Hail?

Whatnot: [singing] ..."the gang's all here. What the..."

Piggy/Dr. Bob/Janice: Oh, shut up.

"Alley Oop"

Waldorf: Oh, that number goes back a long ways.

Statler: Well, it didn't go back far enough. I could still see it.

"God Bless the Child"

Kermit: Oh no, fog. That's the last straw. Hey, hey, Scooter? Would you take over for me for a minute? Uh, I've got to go see if I can do something about that roof.

Scooter: Okay, chief. Signor Baffi on next!

Fozzie: Oh, boy. Look at this. Oh, Scooter, Scooter. Do you think there's room for my monologue in the show?

Scooter: Oh, afraid not, Foz. But you can be in the next number. Yeah. Signor Baffi's assistant didn't show up.

Fozzie: Oh, terrific. You won't be sorry. What do I do?

Scooter: Well, uh, can you go out and stand on stage and smile?

Fozzie: Can I? Can a fly bird? Can a bird fly. Trust me.

Scooter: Oh uh, Signor Baffi?

Signor Baffi: Uh, what?

Scooter: Uh, you're on as soon as I introduce you. Say uh, this fog isn't going to interfere with your knife throwing, is it?

Signor Baffi: Oh, no. I'm'a aim'a by the sound anyway. You just tell the target to keep yelling.

Scooter: Yeah.

Signor Baffi: This'a the stage?

Scooter: Uh, no no. This way, Signor Baffi.

Signor Baffi: Oh, oh. Thank you.

Scooter: And now, the act you've all been waiting for. The one and only Signor Baffi and his flashing knives of death!

Signor Baffi: Oh, where's'a my target?

Scooter: Hey, Fozzie. Are you there?

Signor Baffi: Oh, what?

Fozzie: Yes sir!

Signor Baffi: What?

Fozzie: Wha-huh-huh! There's- there's somebody throwing knives at me!

Statler: Bravo!

Signor Baffi: Hey, where are you?

Waldorf: Quiet!

Kermit: Scooter, you have to be crazy to send a knife thrower out in a fog like this.

Fozzie: Kermit, help!

Kermit: Fozzie, don't yell! Beauregard, close the curtain!

Beauregard: What did you say, Kermit?

Scooter: Oh, good news chief.

Kermit: Yeah?

Scooter: I think I feel a breeze coming up.

Kermit: Oh, we could use some good news around here.

Fozzie: Kermit, help! Help, hide me. There's this madman throwing knives at me.

Kermit: Uh, uh, well don't worry Fozzie. It's all over now.

Fozzie: Oh, no. Here he comes!

Signor Baffi: Hey, where's'a that'a bear? He's'a make'a swell target.

Fozzie: No, I don't.

Signor Baffi: What?

Kermit: Oh, boy. There goes the running order. Now, how do I know which act is next?

Scooter: When in doubt, go with a star.

Kermit: Uh, you're right. Uh, go tell Gladys she's on next, okay?

Kermit: Uh, uh, uh, well ladies and gentlemen, I think the wind is about to die down here. Um, here she is with one of her greatest hits. A lady who can sing up a storm and may have to sing in one, Miss Gladys Knight, yaay!

"I Heard It Through the Grapevine"

Kermit: Uh, uh, well it looks like everything's come down except the curtain. But before we go, let us bring back our wonderful guest star. Ladies and gentlemen, Gladys Knight, yaaay!

Gladys: Thanks Kermit, it's been an evening I'll never forget.

Kermit: Well, that's too bad. I was hoping you would. Uh, listen, I'm sorry about this roof business.

Gladys: Oh, that's okay. I'm dressed for it. But what about you? Aren't you cold?

Kermit: Uh, no, I'm wearing my thermal collar. Uh, but they don't look too happy out there in the vineyard.

Gladys: Oh, there's just sour grapes.

Kermit: We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!

Waldorf: We'll get pneumonia!

Statler: Big deal. This show always makes us sick.