Episode 105: First Show/transcript

Welcome to the jim henson hour.

We'll start out tonight with the car chase of the week

Followed by the very small swimsuit show

Guaranteed to win friends.

Leon, who put you in charge?

Just filling in till you got here.

How small?

What? What?

Leon's swimsuit show--

How small are they going to be?

Ix-nay-- not in front of the og-fray.

Digit, stand by to roll the opening.

Standing by.

Roll the opening.

Rolling the opening.

Rolling the opening.

Rolling the opening.

Rolling the opening.

Thank you.

Are you okay?

Yes, it was just a scratch.

Ahh! Ahh! Ahh!

Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

Captioning made possible by nbc and by...

Holiday inn "Stay with someone you know."

Good evening, and happy mother's day.

Welcome to this special sunday- night edition of our show.

We'll be seeing "Miss piggy's hollywood"

With dudley moore, justine bateman

George wendt and bob hope.

It's an inside look at tinsel town.

Miss piggy: the perfect place to shop is rodeo drive.

This will do, hugbunny.

( screams )

Before that, we go to muppet central.

That's the television control room run by kermit the frog.

Kermit has every satellite feed on earth available to him.

He plans to pick the best.

I know that bobby mcferrin is the guest star.

What else is happening?

Let me show you some highlights.

( screams )

Oh, my goodness!

We've got to get this fixed.

When people across the country

Tried kodak's easy-to-use s-series cameras

The results were remarkable.

They took the best pictures of their lives.

nn!0

Digit: kermit?

Yeah?

The tapes are cued up...

I'm over here.

Oh... And the computer is on line.

Then I can get started, right?

No!

No? What's wrong?

I meant "No."

It just came out "Yes."

Actually, it came out "No."

Well, I'm experiencing a small short circuit

In my own personal electronics, kermit.

It's a minor glitch in my voice...

And when I say "No," I mean "Yes"

And vice versa.

That's terrible.

No.

Is it permanent?

Yes.

That's good.

Is bobby mcferrin's number cued up?

No.

Terrific.

Cue bobby mcferrin.

( scat singing )

♪ sure way to fly. ♪

♪ sure way to fly. ♪

♪ sure to fly. ♪

♪ sure way to flow. ♪

♪ sure way to flow. ♪

♪ so de bur. ♪

♪ so de bur. ♪

♪ yo duh de bugguh. ♪

Hunh?

♪ yo duh de bugguh. ♪

( scat singing continues )

Hunh?

Yeah, that's it.

They call a number like that "Off the wall."

Okay, bobby mcferrin sang

And that was real nice.

 and, uh...

Vicky, what are you doing?

I just love watching creative people work.

Oh.

What is it you do exactly?

There are tv signals

From all over the universe here

And I have to decide

Which ones to put on the show.

Not just any show.

As a child

I used to watch the muppet show.

We don't need to go into that.

Of course, I was so young.

Vicky, please.

My day care center just loved the bear.

Vicky, work, now!

Yes, sir, right!

Digit!

Digit: yes!

Are you ready to cue the nature documentary?

Yes.

That's terrible.

Why?

When you say "Yes," you mean "No."

No, no, no, I fixed my voice relay.

Now your motor reflexes are shorting out?

You know me too well.

Can you just cue the documentary?

I can if I can find the button.

Oh, I know.

Here in the forest glade, different species coexist

In a delicate web of interdependence.

Yes, the subtle balance of the woodland scene

Is a vivid example of a society living in harmony with itself.

( machine gun fire )

( speaking gibberish )

( sirens blaring )

( cheering )

In nature's university, we gain a new reverence for life.

( cheering fades away )

Sorry.

Ooh, that was brutal and destructive and...

And the ratings were fantastic.

What ratings?

As soon as things got really violent

The whole world was watching our show.

That's good.

No, that's bad-- or it's too bad that it was good.

Isn't there anything anybody likes watching

Other than violence?

Yes, there is one other thing

That people go for in a really big way--

Heh-heh-heh-- girls strutting.

Ho!

Actually, kermit, it was my idea.

Get out of here!

Get out, everybody!

I'm going to get to the bottom of this rating business.

Vicky!

Yes, sir.

Would you explain this system here?

Figures from all over the world

Pour into muppet central.

These charts indicate which people are watching

According to groups.

Uh-huh.

Men, women, youths, retirees, black, brown, green...

Thank you.

You're welcome.

...College graduates, blue-collar workers

And a mr. Harry stapleton.

These charts are fascinating

But why are they all falling?

Viewers hate watching people talk about charts.

Digit, what have we got to cut to?!

It's a yuppie drama

About a married couple.

What's it called?

Hurting something.

Worth a shot.

I don't see why I can't be

A competent successful executive

And still be a woman.

Ah, that's better.

And underneath your polished corporate exterior

I know there's a frightened little boy

Just dying to get out.

Anthony?

Hmm?

( sighs )

Never mind.

I'm going to take a bath.

Okay, honey.

( screams )

Sure thing, honey.

( gasping )

Fern?

Fern, what's going on?

There's one of those things in the tub!

Oh, it's a nasty one.

It is, isn't it?

It's one of those

Big-city brokers.

Ugh, it's disgusting.

Quick, wash it down the drain.

Now, fern, you know it's bad luck to kill one.

I'll just...

Catch it in this, and put it outside.

Come here, little fellow...

Got you!

Can I look yet?

Actually, on second thought

I think it's only

A common lawyer.

I'll litigate!

Ooh, look at its legs.

How do you suppose it got in here?

Oh, probably through a loophole.

Oh, that tickles.

Yuck!

How can you touch it?

Don't be such a little girl.

Here, it won't hurt you.

Stop it!

Wait a minute.

Where did it go?

He got away.

Aaaah! There he is!

Anthony, please just take it away.

Oh, okay.

I'll just put you outside where you belong.

There you go.

You'll be safe in the bushes.

No, bruno, leave him alone!

Stay!

Good boy.

Well, it wasn't funny.

I was only teasing.

Teasing?

Teasing is just a way of trivializing my fears

At a time in my life

When I am trying to work through them.

I was being insensitive.

( scraping at door )

There's bruno.

He wants to come in.

What do you say?

Just this once?

Oh, yes...

( remote control beeps )

Oh, there's bruno. Hello, bruno!

Come on up.

Oh, what a good boy! Oh, that's a good boy!

How are the ratings, vicky?

Well, sir, we had the whole west coast

And mr. Harry stapleton.

These demographics are really tough.

Hi, kermit, I'm here.

Oh, hi, bean.

Say hello to mr. Balloon.

We hired bean to be cute

So the rest of us don't have to bother.

Aw, you didn't say hello.

You hurt his feelings.

Bean, balloons do not have feelings, so just go.

Bye-bye!

That's the last thing I need.

Wow, look at those ratings!

Those are the best we've ever had!

Bean! Bean! Come back, bean!

( balloon sputtering )

Time for a commercial, mr. Kermit.

Oh, fine.

After these messages, we'll be back

With a lot of funny sketches, neat songs

And maybe some sex.

What?

Just a little sex

But all of it starring bean bunny!

Oh, brother.

♪ a double pleasure's waiting for you ♪

♪ a double pleasure from doublemint gum ♪

♪ that double great feeling ♪

♪ making you realize ♪

♪ doublemint's the one for you ♪

♪ double fresh ♪

 ♪ double smooth ♪

♪ double delicious to chew ♪

♪ a double pleasure's waiting for you ♪

♪ doublemint gum ♪

♪ a double pleasure's waiting for you ♪

♪ doublemint gum. ♪

They were...

Mcdonald's...

In the hands of your innocent children,

Hot cakes become...

French fries become...

Eight different new food changeables.

Two each week. One with each happy meal.

New food changeables. Collect all eight.

♪ whoo-oo-oo ♪

Whoa, look at those ratings!

Fantastic!

I guess you people really love commercials.

Oh, hi, kermit.

Any luck?

No, I couldn't find bean bunny anywhere.

Vicky: telephone.

I'll get it.

Hello, muppet central, the great gonzo speaking.

Hi, miss piggy.

( siren )

Look what happened to the ratings.

It happened when I said miss piggy."""

We could use her right now.

Why don't we?

Piggy gave up television

To pursue her career as a film star.

I know that.

Nobody wants to talk to you, miss piggy.

Wait a second, I do.

Let me have the phone there.

Hello, piggy, this is kermit...

The frog.

Kermie, darling, how is the show doing?

Kermit: actually, at the moment, not terrific.

We need a boost.

Would you like to be on the show?

Kermie, I am working on a documentary

But it's not ready yet.

Oh, rats.

It's all about my hollywood.

As a matter of fact

I'm taking a meeting at the hotel pool.

We're putting together tres exciting cinema project.

Pig, I've got to phone my old lady.

Kermit: who was that, piggy?

That was sylvester stallone.

You know how impatient he can be.

Just a minute, sly.

Can't we run your hollywood show?

Look, pig, if my old lady don't hear from me regular...

Kermie, clint and dustin just arrived

So I have to run.

Call me and we'll do lunch.

Love you, ciao.

Are you hoping to have children someday?

Wow, I don't believe it--

Miss piggy, I just heard.

The star of the old muppet show

On this phone-- wow!

Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot.

She dumped you, didn't she?

She did not dump me.

We didn't have the kind of...

Digit: kermit, somebody's jamming our signal.

Can you stop it?

Yes and no.

Oh, I get it.

Now we're on.

This is guerrilla television

And we're transmitting to you

From a top secret location.

Unlike the commercial mush you've been watching

We bring you stuff the networks were afraid to put on the air.

Chip hanover.

Is that wide enough?

This is marc weiner.

Hi.

And I'm rocco.

This is rocco.

Shut up, weiner.

This guy knows what it's like

To be on the streets.

A man who became an entertainer

So that children could hear

His political message.

Right.

And yet you resist the lure

Of commercial success...

( all three spit )

I'll pass.

...As represented by jim henson

And his ilk.

Hold on right there.

I think jim henson's great.

What a wuss!

Lighten up, rocco.

Why don't you just do your act?

I can begin now?

Keep out of this.

Sorry.

Which camera?

This one here.

All right.

Ladies and gentlemen, I, the great rocco

Will now transmit myself via satellite

From the red box

To the blue box and back again.

This tck has only been done once, and the guy died...

Ooh. Ooh.

...20 years later.

I am now stepping into the red box.

One, two, three--

I am now in the blue box.

Whoa!

One, two, three...

I'm back.

Ladies and gentlemen, thank you.

Thank you.

That was really, like, east german.

You don't see that on prime time.

That was terrible.

Shut up, weiner.

Listen to me, you little fool.

I've had enough of this.

You will listen to me

And do everything that I command you to.

You hear me?

And give me the respect that I deserve.

Hey, let go of him, you fascist.

Are you crazy?

Don't you realize how dangerous it is

To wake up someone under hypnosis?

I was levitating.

I could have gotten killed.

Look, squirt, I was trying to defend you.

Are you calling me a squirt?

Weiner, can't you shut him up?

Shut me up?

This is guerrilla television

Signing off.

Trash the place!

Get weiner!

Thank goodness we're back.

Digit, this monitor is still broken.

Did you call maintenance?

No.

You're saying "No"

When you mean "Yes" again, yes?

No.

Did you call for maintenance?

No.

He meant "Yes."

The muppets are in production today?

Yes, but this monitor needs to be fixed.

The model 14s always do that.

It just takes a tiny adjustment.

Digit, is that a good idea?

Yes.

Sure, this guy knows repair.

He's got a malfunction.

We'll take care of him in a minute.

Here goes.

He fixed it.

Digit, you're next.

No, no!

Yes, yes, oh, please, yes.

Do you believe these show people?

Wait a second.

Digit: yes, yes.

Oh, yes!

( banging, smashing, crashing )

Digit, are you all right?

Yes, I'm...

Kermit, I'm fixed.

Next time you'll know how to do it yourself.

Oh, look, it's bobby mcferrin.

Cue bobby.

Hi, I'm bobby mcferrin.

Tonight I'll be reading the music news

Aided by an interpreter for the totally unhip.

( scat singing )

Seems like there was some kind of earthquake today...

( scat singing )

♪ biji wiji. ♪

On the tropical island of...

What was it?

♪ biji wiji. ♪

Biji wiji.

( scat singing )

The quaking and shaking

Lasted for only a few minutes.

( scat singing )

Nobody was hurt.

( scat singing )

But it took four days

To clean up all the coconuts.

I'm bobby mcferrin, and that's the, uh...

Wait a minute, what's going on here?

I'll bet that'll make the rating charts go up.

Forget the charts, mr. Kermit.

Waldo's got a great idea.

What is it, waldo?

I've just invented something

That will make that rating system old hat.

Waldo, must you do that?

Well, he's a computer graphic

But he's very sensitive about it.

I tell you, that rating system you've been using is a dinosaur.

( roars )

But welcome to "The cutting edge."

Oh!

Careful.

Waldo.

Come on, waldo. Waldo.

No, oh!

Waldo, will you cut that out?

Sorry.

Nervous habit.

Okay, I'm going into the computer.

Vicky, tell the frog here what it is we're doing.

Vicky, tell the frog

What it is we're doing.

Okay, come over here and I'll show you.

We call it the response-omatic.

Huh?

Waldo is fixing the computer

So that it will instantly adapt our programming

To what the viewers want.

Picking out programs is my job.

Oh, so that's what you do.

Anyway, the response-omatic will do all that

Using up-to-the-second ratings.

It starts in the soap opera mode.

Don't worry, darling.

When your sister realizes

That you weren't the one

Who sabotaged the brakes

On your mother's wheelchair

I'm sure she'll return.

Oh, if only I hadn't left her on top of that hill.

( alarm sounds )

Kermit: what was that?

That was a ratings alarm.

The data indicate that viewers

Are not keen on soap operas

And are more interested in game shows.

So what happens?

Watch.

That was mom all over.

We just heard from your sister.

She's in sydney.

Sydney?

But that's in australia.

That's right.

Sydney is located in australia.

Now, for 20 points

What request did oliver north make

Of president reagan?

Pardon me?

Exactly right!

You're our new champion.

Let's meet our next challenger.

He's red dorfman from oak bark, michigan.

Red, tell us about yourself.

Well, bob, I'm...

( alarm sounds )

In pursuit of a 10-14

Northbound on elm.

My partner is returning fire.

I am?

Pick up the gun.

What do I need a gun for?

( gunshots )

That's why.

Cover me.

Cover you?

With what?

( gunshots )

I don't understand.

You mean you don't understand

Why you have violated federation territory?

Captain, the ship has just armed its ray guns.

So it's battle you want.

Well, yes... I mean...

Kermit: hold it, wait, stop, cut.

But mr. Kermit, it was going so well.

Vicky, we can't have a machine decide.

Listen to the frog.

He's right.

Thank you.

Right now, we need a happy...

Rousing.

Rousing...

Warm.

...Warm musical number.

But we don't have anything prepared.

There's a little something I've worked out.

What's that, bean?

La bamba!

La bamba?

♪ para bailar la bamba ♪

Why not?

♪ para bailar la bamba ♪

♪ se necesita una poca de gracia ♪

♪ una poca de gracia para mi, para ti ♪

♪ ay, arriba y arriba ♪

♪ ay, arriba y arriba ♪

♪ por ti sere, por ti sere, por ti sere ♪

♪ yo no soy marinero ♪

♪ yo no soy marinero ♪

♪ soy capitan, soy capitan, soy capitan ♪

Yes!

♪ bamba, bamba ♪

♪ bamba, bamba ♪

♪ para bailar la bamba ♪

♪ para bailar la bamba ♪

♪ se necesita una poca de gracia ♪

♪ una poca de gracia para mi, para ti ♪

♪ ay, arriba y arriba ♪

♪ bamba, bamba ♪

♪ bamba, bamba ♪

♪ para bailar la bamba ♪

♪ para bailar la bamba ♪

♪ se necesita una poca de gracia ♪

♪ una poca de gracia para mi, para ti ♪

♪ ay, arriba y arriba ♪

♪ bamba, bamba ♪

♪ ay, arriba y arriba ♪

♪ por ti sere, por ti sere, por ti sere ♪

♪ bamba, bamba ♪

♪ bamba, bamba ♪

♪ bamba, bamba ♪

♪ bamba, bamba ♪

♪ bamba, bamba... ♪

Yeah, something like that could work.

Prince charming is the little dog

Who was best-in-show at westminster

And this is the first time in history

A pomeranian has ever done this.

I am so glad that a dog food company

Finally came up with a product just for these little guys.

Pedigree select dinners is perfect for the small dog.

Just look at this!

This is the beef select dinner.

Smells like fresh meat.

Looks like fresh meat.

And the dogs love it.

This is what we've been waiting for

And it really works.

New pedigree select dinners.

There's something about ice cream.

Picture ten five-year-olds at my son billy's birthday party.

The games are a flop.

Kids crying, billy's hiding.

Then I serve ice cream.

Suddenly everyone's having a ball.

There's just something about ice cream.

@ you mean "We"?

So here we are, ready for the second half of our show.

You look very cool in those.

I'm sure nobody's going to recognize you.

Took me a while to get him to wear them

But it seems right-- we're going to hollywood.

It's always best to do what the natives do.

Now that we're ready, let's look at "Miss piggy's hollywood."

( drumroll )

Miss piggy presents

A miss piggy production

From a miss piggy concept

Miss piggy's hollywood!

Starring miss piggy

With a special report from fozzie bear

And the great gonzo.

Ah!

Gonzo, this is the opening to my show.

Yes, and it's going very well.

Good evening, dear fans

And welcome to moi's hollywood.

Won't vous hop on board this tres lovely automobile

With my chauffeur and bodyguard and personal trainer, lars?

Is he not cute?

Join us now as we visit such exciting hollywood sights

As the la brea tar pits

Mann's chinese laundry

The hollywood ear wax museum.

Excuse me.

( clears throat )

Gonzo, let me see those cards.

What is this?

Important hollywood sights.

You're lucky I have such refined taste.

Of course, the only reason gonzo is working on moi's show

Is that he was willing to fly to l.A. As baggage.

Actually, I prefer to fly as baggage.

Uh, yeah, right.

Let us take a driving tour of the stars' hometown, hollywood.

Step on it, cuddles.

( screams )

Gonzo: wow, what a great opening!

( giggles breathily )

Oh, yes, this is hollywood

Where the dreams you dare to dream really do come true.

Here we stars live as one big happy, fabulous family.

In our town

It is very common for a member of the family of stars

Such as moiself, to drop in on another star

To chat or perhaps to borrow a cup of s

Here we are at a typical fabulous mansion

Of a typically fabulous superstar.

I shall ring the bell and give you a chance

To watch two superstars as we chit-chat.

( bell rings )

This is so cool!

Get out, get out, get out!

( laughs lightly, clears throat )

( bell rings )

Can you see anybody?

Gonzo, I thought you were going

To call ahead.

I was, but you said we could just drop in--

The family of the stars.

Oh, it seems we have

A slight technical problem.

Come along, gonzo.

Who lives here, anyway?

I don't know.

I came all this way for nothing.

Kind of reminds me of the oscars.

Another place to find members of the hollywood amily

Of course, when they are not at home

Is here in front of the famous chinese theater

Here on hollywood's walk of fame.

We stars enjoy visiting

This charming little acknowledgement

Of our famousness.

Here is carole lombard

And bill cosby

The dear bette midler.

And here, of course

Is moi.

Gonzo: whoa, this is great, miss piggy.

Your star is portable.

I bet none of the others are.

Oh, I guess bette midler must be really jealous, huh?

Uh, next we have...

Bette's got to truck

All the way down here to see hers

But you can take yours anywhere.

Next on "Miss piggy's hollywood"

We have a special report from our correspondent fozzie bear

Standing by at hollywood's famous nightclub

The comedy store.

Will you put that down?!

Oh, no, I'm sorry, I'm not at the comedy store yet.

As you can see, I've just arrived on the coast.

Boy, am I hungry!

I think I'll have some of the sandwiches here.

Get it? The "Sand which is" right here...

Ahhh!

Back to the pig.

What shall we do while we wait for that report?

Well, the perfect thing to do anytime is shop

And the perfect place to shop is rodeo drive.

This will do, hugbunny.

( screams )

Just find a parking meter with some time on it already.

Thank you.

Oh, yes, every time is like the first time.

Mmmm!

Oh, oh, I love it!

Oh, miss, miss, yo, miss.

May I help you?

Oh, yes, yes.

I wish to purchase this dress.

How much is it?

$23,000, madam.

Twenty-thr... Ahh.

Oh, gosh, and I wanted it in blue.

We have blue, just step over...

Actually I was looking for a petite size.

We have all sizes, madam.

Actually, do you have it in polyester?

No, madam, I'm so sorry.

Darn.

Aaaah! Gonzo, hurry-- a celebrity!

Oh, cool!

( piggy screaming )

Madam, please.

George, what a pleasure to see you again.

Miss piggy.

This is the gentlemen's dressing area.

Ó8're doing television.

( clears throat )

My first guest this evening

Is the charming mr. George wendt.

Now, tell our viewers, georgie

What it's like being a famous hollywood star.

I hardly think of..

Why don't you tell us

About the lavish parties

That we hobnobbed at?

I'm not mu of a hbnobber.

You must remember steven's party.

Steven's?

Spielberg.

Where we saw liz.

Liz?

Taylor, talking to jack.

Lemmon?

Nicholson.

He introduced us to liza.

Minelli.

Of course.

Liza was with sly.

Stallone.

And richard.

Widmark.

Pryor? Nixon?

Help me out, miss piggy.

Oh, george, you are such a kidder.

Just one more question.

This tailor's a very busy man.

Isn't he wonderful?

George!

George?

Look, miss piggy...

Whoa, what are you doing in here?

Oh, sorry.

Wow, cool shorts.

Wa-ha-ha.

George, just a few more questions.

I'm changing.

Go right ahead.

How much money do you make?

Tell us about your co-stars.

Have those backstage feuds really died w?

How about ted danson?

What is he really like?

Is he single? Do you have his number?

Waa!

George, how about that lunch?

I'm busy.

Next week?

Always.

Thank you, george

For taking those few minutes out to chat with us!!

Wow, great interview.

Um... Uh...

Now a special report from fozzie bear

At the comedy store nightclub.

Oh!

Nice.

Uh-- well, actually, piggy

I'm not quite at the comedy store

But I am "Doggedly" determined to get there.

Ahhh!

Oh, I really "Relish" these jokes.

Mmmm!

Well, while we are waiting for that report

Moi has arranged a rare, exclusive

Behind-the-scenes glimpse

Of hollywood backlots and studios.

Gonzo: here's some tickets.

We don't need tickets.

That's right-- we had our hands stamped.

Um, welcome to universal studios.

( opening bars of "That's entertainment!" )

♪ it's me that you've come here to see ♪

♪ this backlot where I give all I've got ♪

♪ is where tricks make for big boffo bricks ♪

♪ that's entertainment! ♪

♪ have heart when the world falls apart ♪

♪ 'cause the crash makes your movie a smash ♪

♪ and an ape ♪

♪ leaves the crowd all agape ♪

♪ that's entertainment! ♪

♪ now, the set may get wet when the water won't stop ♪

♪ still, a splash makes a flash ♪

♪ it's a look you can't top ♪

♪ but without moi, it's a flop ♪

♪ what would there be to see, sir ♪

♪ if it's not starring me, sir? ♪

Gonzo: wow, aren't special effects cool?

I just need background for a star.

I'm telling you

This is really spectacular.

Look at this stuff crashing down!

It's fantastic

Stupendous, unbelievable!

You are missing the point.

I am?

Gonzo, effects are nothing

Without the star.

Oh, that is wonderful, piggy!

Thank you.

Miss piggy: ♪ the stunts may be leaden with grunts ♪

♪ the effects may be better than sex ♪

♪ but that stuff simply isn't enough ♪

♪ the screen would not be ♪

♪ just cannot be ♪

♪ I'm entertainment! ♪

( explosion )

Wow, what a great effect!

Ha-ha!

Piggy?

When does one minute

Seem more like one zillion minutes?

When it's the minute it takes to microwave

Cheez whiz instant hot cheese sauce.

As you wait, your thoughts turn

To that tingly tang of cheddary cheez whiz.

Poured up and down nachos

Back and forth over broccoli

Melted over macaroni.

Then just when you can't wait a second longer...

( microwave beeps )

The waiting is over.

Cheez whiz process cheese spread.

I love 'em dearly

But I love 'em 25% less than I used to.

I can't tell you how much I love these guys

But I can tell you it's 25% less than before.

Love your family 25% less

With fleischmann's light.

25% less saturated fat, salt and calories

Than regular margarine.

And 100% delicious.

I love him with all my heart

But today that's 25% less.

Fleischmann's light.

Love your family 25% less.

Once again, it's time to just drop in

On another of my famous hollywood friends.

Here we are at the fabulous hollywood home of...

Danny devito.

...Of danny devito, wonderful comedian...

No, no, no-- it's cher.

Sorry.

...Whose career as a singer has blossomed

Into an oscar-winning performance...

It could be lassie.

...And whose lovable canine antics

Have delighted millions.

Let's see if he, she or it is home, shall we?

( buzzing )

Man: hello, who is that?

It is miss piggy.

Can you open the gate, please?

Do you have security clearance?

Some stars are very timid off the screen.

We will conduct the interview from here.

Tell us, dear, what is your next film?

Will you please leave?

We have guard dogs all around the building.

Oh, an action film.

Thank you for chatting with us.

And now, fozzie bear-- let's go, gonzo.

( dogs barking )

Real nice person.

Down to earth, don't you think?

I'm not at the comedy store just yet

But I am on sunset strip.

Actually, I'm at the sunset strip cleaners.

As long as I'm here, maybe I'd better clean up my act.

Ahhh!

Miss piggy: yes, well, while we wait for that report

Let us visit that quaint little inn

The beverly hills hotel

Where the posh and powerful pause

To be painted and pampered.

Why don't you go and wax the car, honeybuns?

I shall be at the pool.

Oh, what a lovely sight!

Stars just toning their tans.

Look, ooh! It's justine bateman.

Oh, justine, dear! Oh, how are you?

Kissy, kissy.

Miss piggy?

How are you?

What a pleasure it is

To have this chance to chat with you.

I'd love to chat

But I'm waiting to be interviewed by barbara walters.

Barbara who?

Psst, psst.

Uh, excusez-moi.

What?

That's us.

What's us?

When I gave your name

Her agent wouldn't come to the phone.

I improvised the barbara walters stuff.

( sigh of dismay )

Well, justine

There seems to have been

One of those eensy-teensy hollywood mixups.

What happened to barbara walters?

Oh, lovely woman, isn't she?

And if she were here

I'm certain she'd want to begin

By asking you...

You mean barbara walters isn't coming?

No...

Um, but I'm certain that she

Along with all of our viewers

Who are watching right now, justine...

Yes, I'm sure they would all like to know more about you.

What is your greatest challenge as a star?

Challenge?

Hair care, paparazzi

Getting the right dressing room.

Actually, I think my greatest challenge

Is a difficult acting task.

Say what?

Acting.

Oh, yeah, right-- acting.

For instance, if I played someone

Who had been betrayed...

How would you do that?

I would try to understand

What the character thinks.

Show me how, show me.

Well, what has this character gone through?

Has she been misled?

Misled, yes.

Was she drawn somewhere

Thinking that she was going to be

With a particular person

Only to find there's another person there

Instead.

Oh.

Perhaps she had personal engagements

Which she put aside

Only to find she was victim of a cruel hoax.

And perhaps promises were broken.

And perhaps she's been pushed too far!

( splash )

Wow, great stunt, miss piggy!

( miss piggy gurgling )

I guess the interview's over.

Yeah.

Coming up next on "Miss piggy's hollywood"

The fabulous fozzie bear

Reporting live from the comedy store nightclub.

Barbara walters, huh?

( shrieks )

Hiya, this is fozzie bear for "Miss piggy's hollywood"

And finally-- aha!

I am here at the world-famous comedy store

Where dozens of famous comedians have gotten their starts

Comedians like robin williams and david letterman and now...

Fozzie bear.

That's right.

It is audition day at the comedy store.

So the duck says

If I had a match, I'd have offered you a light.

Next.

Thank you.

Number 23-- bear, fozzie.

Let's move it, please!

Th-that's me.

♪ bop bop bop bop bop baa ♪

Thank you, thank you, and thank you.

Wocka-wocka.

Here goes.

Ha-ha-ha.

Um, boy, it's great to be in hollywood

But my hotel room is so small

When I bring in my welcome mat, I have wall-to-wall carpeting.

( dead silence )

Yeah, uh...

Boy, it's a rough town, too.

I was walking down sunset boulevard

And I saw two peanuts.

One was "As-salted."

Oh, no, that comedian's a bear.

Worse than that, he's barely a comedian.

( laughing )

It's you guys.

Why do you torment me?

We were about to ask you

The same question.

It won't work.

I've got a new gimmick, and I'll be hot as a pistol.

Hot as a pistol?

Well, he does have the right to bear arms.

( laughing )

I'd say he has the right to bear legs, too!

( laughing )

Come on, just listen to my gimmick.

Please?

What is it?

A laugh track, and here it is.

( many people laughing )

Thank you.

My hotel room is so small, I brought my welcome mat in

And now I've got wall-to-wall carpeting.

( laughter )

Thank you, thank you.

It's a rough town, too.

When I was walking down sunset boulevard, I saw two peanuts.

One was "As-salted."

( laughter )

Thank you.

Why did the potato go to the riviera?

Because he wanted to be a french fry.

( laughter )

We give up.

You're a hit.

Thank you, thank you.

You've been a wonderful machine.

( laughter )

Thank you, now back to miss piggy.

Miss piggy: I can't do this.

Gonzo: it'll be all right-- give it a shot.

All right.

( laughs breathily )

Um, yes, well-- once again

Here we are at the hollywood home

Of another of moi's dear, dear celebrity friends

Mr. Roger moore.

That's dudley moore.

You sure it's not barbara walters?

Let us knock, shall we?

( knocks )

A dear, dear, sweet personal friend of mine

Roger moore will come right out here

And talk to you, my audi...

Stop, that's it!

I've had it.

I can't do it anymore.

I'm an honest woman

I cannot lie to my public anymore.

I promised to show you my celebrity friends.

You see what's happened-- it's a sham.

It's not the show I envisioned.

I tried to give you what you wanted.

It's hard being a pig in hollywood.

I did my best.

( sniffles )

Miss piggy?

What?

Miss piggy, it is you!

Dudley?

Dudley moore!

What a delight to see you!

Miss piggy at my house!

I...

Please come in.

Oh, thank vous.

Oooh!

Wow, don't you guys think this is so cool?

( door slams )

Miss piggy

I can't believe you're here.

This is like a dream come true.

You don't know how often

I've imagined, hoped you'd be in here with me.

This is my home.

Do you like it?

Well... Well, yes.

It's very nice, it's very tasteful.

Then you like the decor?

How long did it take you to collect these?

I picked some of them up in places

And some of them I had commissioned.

Of course, the "Mona piggy"

And the phone, of course

And that wonderful shot of you with the braids

Which is a special favorite of mine.

I-I-I don't know what to say.

You don't have to say anything.

It's enough just to look at you.

Look at me? I must look a fright.

Dudley, excuse me, I want to freshen up.

Oh...

This isn't happening.

This... This probably...

No, this is the most exciting moment of my entire life.

Hope you weren't waiting.

Of course not.

You look absolutely...

Ravishing?

Yes.

Miss piggy, piggy... Can I call you piggy?

Of course.

And you can call me...

Um... Um... Dudley.

Oh, all right.

Say it.

Say?

Oh, uh-- dudley.

Say it again.

Dudley.

Dudley.

Dudley, is there anything I can do?

Piggy, darling, I...

Darling, can I call you darling?

Sure.

There is one thing

Something I've always wanted

To share with you

Something that I think could be

Very, very beautiful for both of us.

Dudley, we're on television.

Make it even better, don't you think?

Dudley, what do you have in...

What do you have in mind?

( miss piggy panting )

Sing with me.

Sing?

Oh, I knew that.

♪ it's very clear ♪

♪ our love is here to stay ♪

♪ not for a year ♪

♪ but ever and a day ♪

♪ the radio and the telephone ♪

♪ and the movies let me know ♪

♪ they'd just be passing fancies ♪

♪ and in time they'd go ♪

♪ but oh, my dear ♪

Oh, my dear!

♪ our love is here to stay. ♪

♪ together we're going a long, long way ♪

♪ in time, the rockies may crumble ♪

♪ gibraltar may tumble ♪

♪ they're only made of clay ♪

♪ but... ♪

♪ our love is here ♪

♪ to ♪

♪ stay. ♪

I'd like to thank all of you for joining me tonight

And I'd also like to thank all the wonderful people

Who have made this evening possible.

No problem, piggy, anytime.

Excuse me, do you mind?

Wow, I'm being kicked out by dudley moore!

This is so cool!

♪ in time, the rockies may crumble ♪

♪ gibraltar may tumble ♪

♪ they're only made of clay ♪

♪ but ♪

♪ our love is here ♪

♪ to ♪

♪ stay. ♪

Ahhh...

Steal a little time to baby yourself

With soft, rich johnson's baby lotion.

♪ baby soft ♪

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Johnson's baby lotion, oil, and powder.

Go on and...

♪ ooh, baby you ♪

From...

Well, now that we're back from hollywood...

And boy, are my feet tired!

Remember these graffiti characters

That danced with bobby mcferrin?

People wonder how we do it, and this is how.

Of course, we were able to make the puppeteers invisible

And you'll have to figure that one for yourself.

So, what do you think of it, lion?

( barks )

( roars )

He scared me right out of my feet.

I forgot cats never like dogs.

That's all for tonight.

We'll see you next time.