Episode 208: Steve Martin/transcript

00:00:08 - [Knock on door] - Steve Martin? Oh, Steve Martin?

00:00:11 Fifteen seconds till curtain.

00:00:13 Thank you, Scooter. I'm almost ready.

00:00:16 [Growling]

00:00:18 See? You're gonna feel right at home around here.

00:00:23 [Drumroll]

00:00:25 It's The Muppet Show with our very special guest star, Mr. Steve Martin.

00:00:29 [Applause, whistling]

00:00:44 # It's time to play the music It's time to light the light

00:00:48 # It's time to meet the Muppets on The Muppet Show tonight

00:00:51 # It's time to put on makeup It's time to dress up right

00:00:56 # It's time to get things started

00:00:58 I liked the old opening better.

00:01:00 # It's time to get things started

00:01:02 # On the most sensational, inspirational

00:01:04 # Celebrational, Muppetational

00:01:06 # This is what we call The Muppet Show! #

00:01:13 [high-pitched squeaking]

00:01:16 Green smoke.

00:01:20 - [Applause] - Thank you.

00:01:23 Thank you and welcome, for the moment, to The Muppet Show.

00:01:26 Listen, I really feel bad about this, but I have a special announcement.

00:01:30 Hey, maybe we've gotten lucky at last.

00:01:33 Yeah, maybe tonight's show's been cancelled.

00:01:36 Uh, tonight's show has been cancelled.

00:01:41 Have I died and gone to heaven?

00:01:45 Well, you see, I just realized I misread my calendar.

00:01:48 Tonight we're scheduled to audition new acts for the show,

00:01:52 so I'm really sorry, but there will not be a Muppet Show tonight.

00:01:55 You can all stay and watch the auditions,

00:01:57 but I'm not sure there will be anything very exciting.

00:02:00 [Waldorf] When has there ever been?

00:02:02 OK, you two, take the night off.

00:02:04 Now, we might as well bring up the house lights and say good night.

00:02:08 [Audience grumbling]

00:02:10 I'll just go out into the house and... Good grief, it's Steve Martin.

00:02:15 [Clapping]

00:02:16 It is, Kermit. How's it going, little fella?

00:02:18 Uh... uh... well, fine. Just fine, Steve.

00:02:20 I was sitting back in my dressing room getting ready for the next number

00:02:24 and I heard this rumor that the show had been cancelled.

00:02:27 Well, yeah, you see, we have to audition new acts tonight.

00:02:31 Oh, OK, fine.

00:02:33 I was just supposed to be the guest star on tonight's show.

00:02:36 - No problem. - Yeah, well, I'm sorry about that.

00:02:39 Well, you know, it's just a thing, that I'm sitting there getting ready,

00:02:43 and I feel like some kind of sap back there,

00:02:45 putting these clothes on for the big number.

00:02:48 And no one bothers to come back and say,

00:02:50 "Hey, Steve, the show has been canceled."

00:02:53 What am I around here, nothing?

00:02:56 Steve, I don't know what to say.

00:02:58 Well, I do.

00:03:00 Excuuuse me!

00:03:07 Um...

00:03:08 Well, let's get the auditions going, shall we?

00:03:12 [Crashing]

00:03:14 Well, should we stay or go?

00:03:16 I feel the same as I do every week.

00:03:18 I've paid good money for this ticket and I'm going to use it. Hmpf!

00:03:22 - The tickets are free. - Oh.

00:03:24 Yes, uh, well, and overpriced at that too.

00:03:27 [Chuckling]

00:03:30 OK. Uh... [clears throat] OK. If we can get things started here now.

00:03:34 - Kermit? Kermit? - Hm?

00:03:36 Hey, when you say you are auditioning acts,

00:03:40 you mean new acts, don't you?

00:03:42 I mean, you don't mean replacements?

00:03:44 Well, I don't really know, Fozzie.

00:03:46 I just thought maybe we could use some new blood.

00:03:49 Why didn't he tell me he wanted me to bleed?

00:03:53 OK, Scooter, what's the first act?

00:03:55 Oh, we got some really great talent lined up, boss.

00:03:57 First up is the Lautrec Sisters in the Garbage Cancan.

00:04:02 Oh, please don't let them be funny.

00:04:05 [# Cancan]

00:04:08 [Squeaking]

00:04:12 Wee!

00:04:36 - [Rats chattering] - [Applause]

00:04:38 Oh, very good. Nice work, girls.

00:04:41 He liked the dancing rats?

00:04:43 Oh, what chance does a bear have?

00:04:46 Kermit, if you liked the last act, wait till you see the next one.

00:04:50 It's called Mary Louise and Friend.

00:04:52 [# Way Down Upon the Swanee River]

00:05:03 Ribbit.

00:05:09 - [Yells] - [Laughter]

00:05:11 [Mock Swedish]

00:05:14 Hey, well, I had a big vibe solo scheduled on tonight's show.

00:05:17 Don't ask me why the frog canceled.

00:05:19 [Mock Swedish]

00:05:21 ...chop-chop-chop...

00:05:23 [chuckling] Yeah, right on. Now you're talking my language.

00:05:27 Hey, can we have some quiet out there in the theater?

00:05:30 - What's next, Scooter? - You'll love this, boss.

00:05:33 Here he is, Steve Martin!

00:05:35 [Cheering, applause]

00:05:39 Thank you very much. Thank you.

00:05:41 Steve, Steve, you really don't have to perform here, you know.

00:05:44 Well, I figured since I was here I may as well do some stuff, you know.

00:05:48 Yeah, but you don't have to do this, because we cancelled the show.

00:05:52 Oh, well, uh, maybe I could just perform for the guys.

00:05:55 [All] Yeah! OK! Come on!

00:05:58 OK, well, listen, if you want him you got him. Take it away, Steve.

00:06:02 - [Cheering] - Thank you very much. Thank you.

00:06:05 I realize a lot of you folks are sitting out there saying to yourselves,

00:06:09 "Sure, he's great,

00:06:11 but can he make balloon animals?"

00:06:15 [Cheering]

00:06:17 - Have you seen this before? - [All] Yeah! Yeah!

00:06:20 Oh, I'm sorry. I don't like to repeat.

00:06:23 [Groaning]

00:06:25 [Male 1] Come on, Steve.

00:06:26 - [Male 2] Come on. - [Male 3] Do it!

00:06:28 - [Male 4] Come on, Steve, come on! - I don't know what to do now.

00:06:31 - [Shouting] - I don't like to repeat,

00:06:33 and yet, the audience is demanding that I do it.

00:06:37 - [Shouting continues] - I'll make a compromise.

00:06:40 I'll make balloon animals but I won't blow them up.

00:06:43 [Cheering]

00:06:47 [All chattering]

00:06:50 - Look at that. - Giraffe.

00:06:53 - Well, here we go. - Dude got a sense of humor.

00:07:00 [Speaking indistinctly]

00:07:05 I fill up the balloons with words and if they pop they go,

00:07:08 "Gosh darn it."

00:07:12 [Sputtering]

00:07:19 It's not easy to get that air to curl up inside your lungs like that.

00:07:24 And now, fun balloon animals. Here we go.

00:07:26 [Balloons squeaking]

00:07:29 Oh, yeah, look at him go.

00:07:34 - Scooter, more balloons, Scooter. - Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

00:07:37 - Here you go, sir. - Thank you, OK.

00:07:41 - Blow up some more, just in case. - [Scooter] Yes, sir.

00:07:43 [High-pitched voice] Gosh darn it.

00:07:45 Oh.

00:07:48 - Oh, really... wow. - Puppy dog.

00:07:50 - [Cheering] - I love that one. It's so cute.

00:07:53 Thank you very much. OK, um...

00:07:56 Well, just...

00:07:57 Hey, I'm complete.

00:08:00 - [Laughing] - You know, folks,

00:08:02 a lot of people come to me and they say, "Steve,

00:08:04 how can you afford all those balloons you use in your act? You must be rich."

00:08:09 Well, actually, I get the balloons for free.

00:08:12 I go down to the balloon ranch, where the little baby balloons are grown,

00:08:16 and I steal them from the nests.

00:08:20 What I do is, the adult balloons who guard them are very stupid.

00:08:23 And it's easy to trick them. I'll go, "Look at that inner tube."

00:08:27 And they go, "Where? Gosh."

00:08:30 And I load up my pockets.

00:08:32 Absolutely no danger to me because the adult balloons are very dumb.

00:08:37 - [Distorted growling] - They wouldn't...

00:08:39 [growling continues]

00:08:42 - Ahhh! - [Growling]

00:08:47 It's out of control!

00:08:49 Whoa!

00:08:52 Well, it is a different sort of an act.

00:08:54 [Crashing]

00:08:56 - [Laughing] - [Applause]

00:08:59 Hey, you missed my big finish.

00:09:01 I didn't even use a net.

00:09:04 You were terrific. You should make that into a feature film.

00:09:08 Can we get on with the auditions?

00:09:11 Oh, next up is Terry Louise and Friend.

00:09:14 [# Tie a Yellow Ribbon Round the Ole Oak Tree]

00:09:20 Ribbit.

00:09:23 - [Screams] - Yeah.

00:09:25 Next we have one of the world's greatest comics,

00:09:28 Baskerville the Hound.

00:09:31 Hey, hey, hey, it's comedy time!

00:09:34 You know what they call a dirty dog?

00:09:37 A mud poodle!

00:09:39 Ha! I am so funny!

00:09:41 Did you hear the...?

00:09:44 Next.

00:09:46 Hey, come on, Fozzie. You're taking all this too personally.

00:09:49 - Ohh! - Listen.

00:09:50 It's healthy to see what other people in your field are doing.

00:09:53 - It's an enriching experience. - Yeah.

00:09:55 - Hey, Scooter, what's next? - A guy named Lenny the Lizard.

00:09:59 He's an emcee.

00:10:00 What the hay?

00:10:03 Thank you, thank you, thank you.

00:10:04 And welcome again to another edition of The Muppet Show.

00:10:08 Well, we've got a great show for you tonight,

00:10:10 starring the incredible and amazingly talented me.

00:10:13 - Plus other good things... - [Kermit] Next!

00:10:16 It was really interesting to see how another emcee works.

00:10:20 Cool it.

00:10:21 Yeah, you really must feel enriched, Kermit.

00:10:23 - Will you get out of here, Fozzie? - [Laughing]

00:10:25 - On to the next act, chief? - Yes, I'd love to.

00:10:28 I should think so.

00:10:29 Anyway, it's a weird little act direct from the planet Koozebane.

00:10:33 Here they are, the Four Fazoobs.

00:10:36 [Percussion, honking]

00:10:45 [Squawking]

00:10:54 [Trumpeting]

00:11:01 [Grunting]

00:11:37 Things are looking a little weird.

00:11:39 OK, let's take a break, everybody.

00:11:44 Let's see what we have so far.

00:11:46 We had the dancing rats.

00:11:49 We had Mary Louise and Terry Louise.

00:11:53 - Kermit. - Not now, Gonzo.

00:11:55 We had the Fazoobs.

00:11:57 - The Fazoobs. - Kermit!

00:12:00 - What is it, Gonzo? - I've got this great new act for you.

00:12:03 Not now, Gonzo. Right now I'm in the middle of auditions.

00:12:06 OK, we'll audition.

00:12:08 I've seen your acts, Gonzo. I don't want to see any more of them, thank you.

00:12:12 I'll talk to you later, all right?

00:12:14 Scooter? Who's next, Scooter?

00:12:16 Well, look, at least let me tell you about the act.

00:12:19 No. Scooter!

00:12:21 - I'm gonna tell you anyway. - I won't listen.

00:12:23 - Dancing cheese. - Dancing cheese?

00:12:27 - You were listening. - Will somebody find Scooter?

00:12:31 Aw, Kermit, she's a great dancer.

00:12:33 She? It's a female cheese?

00:12:36 Of course it's a female!

00:12:39 You don't expect me to dance with a male, do you?

00:12:42 - Uh, no, uh... - That would look weird.

00:12:45 Yes, yes, I'm sure that would look weird, Gonzo.

00:12:47 - You say you dance with her? - You're getting interested?

00:12:50 No, I'm just killing time until Scooter gets here.

00:12:53 Well, anyway, she's featured. We do a flamenco.

00:12:57 - Hm. - I just click my heels a little.

00:12:59 - The cheese does the fancy steps. - The cheese does the fancy steps?

00:13:03 I don't think I want to hear any more about it.

00:13:05 But Scooter's not here yet!

00:13:07 I don't care. Here he comes now.

00:13:09 - Oh, Scooter! - Just remember it.

00:13:11 - Yeah, sure. - Yes, chief?

00:13:13 - Scooter, who you got next, huh? - Oh, uh, Gonzales and Yolanda.

00:13:19 [# Spanish Gypsy Dance]

00:13:21 Arriba! Olé!

00:13:23 El toro! Enchilada!

00:13:26 Dance, you little firebrand.

00:13:28 Dance, dance!

00:13:31 Tortilla! Burrito! San Diego!

00:13:34 Show 'em what gorgonzola can do.

00:13:41 Cha-cha-cha!

00:13:44 Well, let us trust that we've got some new and truly different acts

00:13:47 for the rest of the evening.

00:13:49 Here's the first one. Carrie Louise and Friend.

00:13:53 [# OI' Man River]

00:13:57 [Clearing throat]

00:14:02 Ribbit.

00:14:03 [Screaming]

00:14:06 I keep telling you, I'm the girl singer on this show.

00:14:10 Move it. Move it!

00:14:11 [Laughter]

00:14:13 OK, nothing too different so far.

00:14:15 Hey, Scooter, you must have some good acts back there.

00:14:18 How about this one, Kermit? He's a rambling guy.

00:14:21 [Cheering]

00:14:25 OK. Let's not waste any more time. Let's go.

00:14:28 - How much was it to get in? - Free.

00:14:30 You're gonna get your money's worth on this.

00:14:32 [Chattering in agreement]

00:14:40 Hey, this guy's good.

00:14:45 I'm a rambling guy.

00:14:48 # Well, L'm rambling, rambling 'round

00:14:51 # L'm a rambling guy

00:14:53 [whistling tune]

00:14:57 Free.

00:15:00 # Ramble out to The Muppet Show Oh, yeah

00:15:03 # Meet all the Muppets Oh, yes, oh, yes, oh, yes, oh, yes...

00:15:07 # Oh, no Rambling

00:15:11 - Everybody whistle! - [All whistling tune]

00:15:16 In Chinese now.

00:15:18 [Singing in Chinese]

00:15:23 # When L'm rambling, rambling rambling, rambling, rambling

00:15:26 # Raaa-uuu-ummm...

00:15:33 # ... blinggg #

00:15:36 [cheering]

00:15:38 [Whistling]

00:15:41 Way to go, Steve. That's good stuff.

00:15:43 - Kermit, I am appalled. - Mm?

00:15:45 Don't we have some good, old-fashioned entertainment?

00:15:48 - Scooter? - I can only vouch for the "old" part.

00:15:51 - Who you got? - Statler and Waldorf.

00:15:53 What?

00:15:54 [# The Varsity Drag]

00:16:17 Take it!

00:16:20 Boo! Boo! Get off the stage!

00:16:25 [Laughing]

00:16:26 Take it, Statler!

00:16:32 They're terrible, aren't they? Aaahhh!

00:16:48 Watch it, you old fool.

00:16:50 Yes, here, here. Oh, wholesome. Wonderful!

00:16:53 I'm glad you enjoyed that act, Sam.

00:16:55 Kermit, it was good, old-fashioned entertainment.

00:16:59 With that act The Muppet Show finally turns the corner

00:17:02 and becomes a normal, decent, moral program.

00:17:06 - Well, I am pleased, Sam. - Hm.

00:17:08 - What's next? - Oh, um...

00:17:09 Marvin Suggs and His All-Food Glee Club.

00:17:14 For one brief moment there was light at the end of the tunnel.

00:17:19 - [Applause] - Olé! Gracias!

00:17:21 Thank you and gracias.

00:17:23 Yes, I am the beloved Marvin Suggs.

00:17:27 And now, presenting my singing food!

00:17:33 [# Yes, We Have No Bananas]

00:18:17 Oh, I love my vegetables!

00:18:19 - How are you, cabbage? - Oh, getting ahead!

00:18:21 - [Laughter] - How's the artichoke?

00:18:24 Singing my heart out.

00:18:27 - Oh, what's wrong, asparagus? - I feel naked without my Hollandaise.

00:18:32 - Come on, tomato, you're slow. - I'll ketchup.

00:18:54 [Applause]

00:18:58 - Hey, Kermit, my main frog. - Yeah?

00:19:01 - You rarin' to book that last act? - I doubt it.

00:19:04 - Fantastic. We'll take it. - Are you putting together a show?

00:19:08 No, a dinner.

00:19:11 Yeah, soprano looked delicious.

00:19:15 OK, chief. Next up is a guy you'll love.

00:19:19 Remember Rambling Guy? Here's Juggling Guy.

00:19:22 - [Cheering] - Yeah, yeah!

00:19:27 And now... Now it's time for a little juggling.

00:19:30 - Whoo! - Oh, yeah.

00:19:32 Let's start with the easy stuff. First of all I juggle one.

00:19:36 - [All] Oh! - Now, two.

00:19:39 - Ahh! - Now, three.

00:19:47 - Oh, yeah. - Under the leg.

00:19:53 - Now, Fozzie, can you catch this? - Yes.

00:19:56 OK. Take it, toss it up in midair, OK?

00:19:59 OK!

00:20:02 Good throw, yeah!

00:20:04 - [Squishing] - Oh, no!

00:20:06 - [Audience groaning] - No!

00:20:10 I've killed it.

00:20:14 [Groaning]

00:20:15 - Oh! - [Mock Swedish]

00:20:21 [Both speaking mock Swedish]

00:20:26 OK, very funny, very funny.

00:20:29 Kermit, when you say "very funny," do you mean...?

00:20:32 Fozzie, listen, don't worry about it. Nobody is going to lose their job.

00:20:36 Ah! Oh, that's terrific.

00:20:38 Excuse me, Kermit. I got one last act back here.

00:20:41 It's a human cannonball act, The Zucchini Brothers.

00:20:45 [All yelling]

00:20:51 [Speaking Italian]

00:20:59 [Speaking Italian]

00:21:10 Push-a, push, push-a.

00:21:19 - Hey, get the booma-booma. - Hey! Hey!

00:21:22 - Booma-booma. - Hey, hey!

00:21:24 Hey!

00:21:26 - No booma-booma. - No booma-booma!

00:21:29 [Speaking Italian]

00:21:31 Dud!

00:21:33 Cut! Is that it, Scooter?

00:21:36 [Explosion]

00:21:38 [Crashing]

00:21:40 Well, that's it. It's all over.

00:21:42 What a night. Mm.

00:21:44 - Does that mean we can all go home? - It sure does, Steve.

00:21:47 I hope you're not mad that we canceled the show.

00:21:50 Oh, no, just a little disappointed

00:21:52 I didn't get to do the number I'd rehearsed with your jug band.

00:21:55 I didn't know you'd rehearsed a number.

00:21:57 It was gonna be good, but no problem. Don't worry.

00:22:00 Yeah, well, I would have liked to have seen it.

00:22:03 I knew he'd fall for it. Come on in, guys.

00:22:05 [Whooping]

00:22:07 It goes a little bit like this.

00:22:09 [# Dueling Banjos]

00:22:12 [Echoing tune]

00:22:16 [Playing tune]

00:22:20 [Echoing tune]

00:22:24 [Playing tune]

00:22:28 [Echoing tune]

00:22:33 [Playing tune]

00:22:35 [Singing melody]

00:22:48 Yeee-hawww!

00:23:03 All together, cats.

00:24:02 [Sizzling]

00:24:10 It's another dud!

00:24:15 [Explosion]

00:24:16 [All gasping]

00:24:18 [All laughing, applauding]

00:24:24 [Laughing]

00:24:26 This is the time when I usually say the show is over.

00:24:29 But it seems kind of silly since the show never begun.

00:24:32 But if it had begun, I'd be saying,

00:24:34 "Let's have a special thanks for Mr. Steve Martin!"

00:24:37 [Cheering, whistling]

00:24:39 I can't tell you what a pleasure it's been for me not being on your show.

00:24:43 [Laughter]

00:24:44 If there's anybody left watching, we'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!

00:24:48 [Cheering, applause]

00:25:28 Well, that was different.

00:25:29 - Yep, lousy... - [both] But different!