Episode 216: Cleo Laine/transcript

00:00:08 [Knocking]

00:00:10 Cleo Laine, 15 seconds to curtain, Miss Laine.

00:00:13 I'm ready.

00:00:15 Oh, I hope the Muppets like me.

00:00:17 Like? Love! Love Cleo Laine! Love!

00:00:23 Hey, hate me a little, will you?

00:00:27 Love, love!

00:00:28 [Drumroll]

00:00:30 It's The Muppet Show with our special guest star, Miss Cleo Laine!

00:00:34 [Audience applauds]

00:00:49 # Lt's time to play the music Lt's time to light the light

00:00:53 # Lt's time to meet The Muppets on The Muppet Show tonight

00:00:57 # Lt's time to put on makeup it's time to dress up right

00:01:01 # Lt's time to get things started

00:01:05 # Lt's time to get things started on the most sensational, inspirational,

00:01:09 # Celebrational, Muppetational,

00:01:11 # This is what we call

00:01:14 # The Muppet Show! #

00:01:19 - [high-pitched squeak] - [Propeller whirring]

00:01:22 Come back here.

00:01:27 Thank you, thank you, and welcome to The Muppet Show.

00:01:30 With us tonight is one of the truly great stars...

00:01:33 Thank you. You are too kind.

00:01:36 I am not kind, and you are not the star.

00:01:38 - Could I talk to you for a second? - What?

00:01:40 See, my mother is in the audience.

00:01:43 Hi, Ma!

00:01:45 [Audience laughs]

00:01:47 - Watch me tonight! - Fozzie!

00:01:49 Um, in addition to our very, um... funny bear...

00:01:54 ...tonight's guest star is one of the truly great singers,

00:01:57 - Miss Cleo Laine. - Cleo Laine!

00:02:00 - But first... Let's limbo! - Let's limbo!

00:02:03 [Calypso music playing]

00:02:09 # Limbo, everybody limbo

00:02:13 # Limbo all the day

00:02:16 [cheering]

00:02:28 # Limbo, everybody limbo

00:02:33 # Limbo all the day

00:02:36 [cheering]

00:02:48 # Limbo, everybody limbo

00:02:52 # Limbo all the day

00:02:55 [cheering]

00:03:07 # Limbo, everybody limbo

00:03:12 # Limbo all the day #

00:03:15 [cheering]

00:03:26 [Applause and laughter]

00:03:29 Terrific! I wonder how the frog did it.

00:03:36 - [Chuckling] - Never mind.

00:03:39 [Steel drum playing]

00:03:43 - Wee! - Can that frog limbo!

00:03:47 Kermit, Kermit! Kermit? Where is that frog? Kermit?

00:03:51 - I'm down here. - Oh, Kermit.

00:03:55 Kermit, do you realize that my mother is in the audience tonight

00:04:00 and I wasn't even in the opening number?

00:04:02 - I don't care. - You don't care? Well, why not?

00:04:06 Because I'm all scrunched up.

00:04:11 You are scrunched up. Ha!

00:04:13 Hey, hey, but Kermit, you see, my mother...

00:04:16 - Fozzie, would you unscrunch me! - Yes, sir, yes, sir.

00:04:22 - OK? - Thank you.

00:04:24 See, my mother came here tonight, Kermit...

00:04:27 Check. And so did Cleo Laine. I gotta go introduce her.

00:04:30 But Kermit, when is the bear on?

00:04:33 That's what I want to know. When is the bear on?

00:04:38 Now, ladies and gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure

00:04:40 to introduce a lady with a truly remarkable voice...

00:04:43 Kermit, Kermit! Quick, look up there!

00:04:46 [Crash]

00:04:48 Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Cleo Laine!

00:04:51 [Kermit] Fozzie!

00:04:55 [# Lt Don't Mean A Thing Lf You Ain't Got That Swing]

00:05:28 It gives me great pleasure to be appearing here with Dr. Teeth

00:05:32 and The Electric Mayhem Orchestra.

00:05:35 Thank you, Cleo. You know, I melt down those gold records

00:05:39 and put 'em in my teeth.

00:05:40 It's called putting your money where your mouth is!

00:05:44 Check. And here we have the man on bass guitar,

00:05:48 the hippest of the hip,

00:05:50 Floyd Pepper!

00:05:53 Yeah, movin' and groovin', Cleo.

00:05:55 Right on. And then we have the weirdest man of the weird,

00:06:00 the man on saxophone, Zoot!

00:06:04 Hey, it is written, a zebra and a geranium

00:06:07 should never use the same toothbrush.

00:06:10 Cogently put, Zoot.

00:06:13 And here on guitar, the lovely lady herself, Janice.

00:06:18 Oh, wow, like, I'm really honored to be here, really.

00:06:23 For sure. And way up there on the drums,

00:06:27 the ma... You know, I'd rather not introduce him.

00:06:29 Oh, he won't hurt you, Cleo. We nail his shoes to the bandstand.

00:06:33 OK... Animal!

00:06:39 [Scat singing]

00:07:30 [Applause]

00:07:44 OK, Kermit, now it must be time for me to go on, right?

00:07:47 Uh, no, no, now it's time for Pigs Ln Space.

00:07:50 What? Kermit, please let me at least be in Pigs Ln Space.

00:07:54 - Uh, you... you can't. - But why can't I be in Pigs Ln Space?

00:07:59 Because you're not a pig!

00:08:03 Well, nobody's perfect!

00:08:07 Oh, if only I had an idea to get me into Pigs Ln Space.

00:08:12 Will somebody please bring me my Pigs Ln Space costume?

00:08:17 Oh, thank you!

00:08:20 [Announcer] And now, Pigs In Space!

00:08:27 Featuring the neanderthalic Captain Link Hogthrob...

00:08:32 ... the over developed First-Mate, Miss Piggy...

00:08:36 ... and the tridecaphobic Dr. Julius Strangepork.

00:08:41 As we left our heroes last week,

00:08:43 Captain Hogthrob had just ordered the Swinetrek's biannual inspection.

00:08:50 Dr. Strangepork, call the entire crew on deck for inspection.

00:08:55 All hogs on deck! All hogs on deck! Sooie! Pig, pig, pig!

00:09:06 Ten-hut!

00:09:09 Men, this ship is a disgrace. Worse than that, it's like a pigsty.

00:09:16 We thought it was kind of homey, Link.

00:09:19 Doctor, you're out of line.

00:09:21 Now I want this entire ship swabbed down from stem to...

00:09:25 from stem to...

00:09:28 ...uh, to the back part.

00:09:31 That's stern, captain.

00:09:33 You bet that's stern. I'm sick of sloppiness.

00:09:38 - First-Mate Piggy! - Yes, sir!

00:09:40 - Did you shave this morning? - No, mon capitain, I did not!

00:09:47 Well, see that it never happens again.

00:09:50 Uh, Ma, we're only acting. Don't worry.

00:09:54 - What? - Nothing, just, you know...

00:09:56 OK, well that goes for the rest of you men, too. Dismiss!

00:09:59 - Except for you, First-Mate Piggy. - Except for me! Yes, sir, mon capitain!

00:10:04 I, First-Mate Piggy, would love to be of service to mon capitain, sir!

00:10:09 - Uh... you would? - Yes, sir!

00:10:11 Well, uh... let's step over to the console here. Walk this way.

00:10:17 I'll try.

00:10:21 - First-Mate Piggy? - Yes, sir!

00:10:23 - Stand next to me. - Yes, sir!

00:10:25 - Look deep into my eyes. - Yes, sir!

00:10:28 - Give us a little kiss, pork chop. - Yes. Sorry. No, sir!

00:10:33 - Oh, sweetheart. First-Mate Piggy... - Ma, it's not that kind of a show!

00:10:38 Oh, come on. Please, oh, honey...

00:10:42 [announcer] Tune in again next week for another confusing episode of

00:10:46 Pigs In Space!

00:10:53 OK, where is Fozzie? How dare he steal my costume!

00:10:57 I'll chop him into bear burger!

00:11:00 Wait! You don't understand! Wait! See? Look, look!

00:11:04 You're an imposter! Lmposter!

00:11:07 I'll get you for imposting a pig!

00:11:09 - Come back here! - [Chuckles] Uh-oh.

00:11:12 There you are! How dare you steal my costume!

00:11:17 [Shouting and yelling]

00:11:22 - Froggy! The frog, the frog. - [All] The frog, yeah, the frog...

00:11:27 Hey, come on, you guys. What are you doing?

00:11:30 Hiya, hiya, hiya! Hi, ma.

00:11:33 It looks like it's just you and me for the rest of the evening, folks.

00:11:38 Thought I'd come out and tell a few jokes, sing a few songs...

00:11:41 Fozzie, will you get off the stage!

00:11:44 That too, yes.

00:11:46 Let's see now, where was I?

00:11:48 Ladies and gentlemen, it's very seldom we have a guest puppeteer on the show.

00:11:52 In fact, between you and me, it's rare that we have any puppeteers on the show.

00:11:56 So it gives me great pleasure to introduce a very talented young man,

00:12:00 Mr. Bruce Schwartz!

00:12:03 [Harpsichord music]

00:12:29 [Music box style song plays]

00:13:56 Oh, that puppet looked so alive!

00:13:59 Well, that's more than I can say for you! [chuckling]

00:14:04 [# Mad Dogs and Englishmen]

00:14:59 - Oh, very good. - Wow!

00:16:03 OK, Kermit, now you're going to introduce me, right?

00:16:06 - Uh, no. - But my mother is in the audience.

00:16:09 - When do I go on? - When do you go on? You've already been

00:16:13 in all the introductions, Pigs Ln Space, and everything else.

00:16:16 - What do you want, star billing? - That would be nice.

00:16:19 - Will you get out of here! - Yes, sir! Yes, sir!

00:16:23 [Humming]

00:16:33 - [Crash] - [Mock Swedish]

00:16:35 Excuse me! You look like a very understanding person,

00:16:40 and maybe you can solve my problem for me. You see...

00:16:43 [# You're Just Ln Love]

00:17:04 [Chef sings in mock Swedish]

00:17:23 Let's get this together, shall we?

00:17:27 [Both continue singing]

00:18:20 Well, I just learned something about the Swedish Chef I didn't know before.

00:18:24 What's that?

00:18:26 Cooking is the second worst thing he does.

00:18:28 [Both laugh]

00:18:31 - And now, ladies and gentlemen... - Kermit, please, now me, please?

00:18:34 - Yes, now! - Thank you.

00:18:37 Now, ladies and gentlemen, due to an overwhelming demand...

00:18:41 From him, if not from the rest of us...

00:18:43 here he is, our own furry funny man, Fozzie Bear!

00:18:48 Hey, hey! Thank you, thank you, thank you and thank you!

00:18:52 Yes! Tonight, because there is a certain someone special in the audience,

00:18:56 I will do a special act. Phrenology!

00:19:02 Phren-what?

00:19:03 And... And for this demonstration, I will need a volunteer.

00:19:09 - Fozzie, what are you going to do? - Trust me, it's for my mother.

00:19:12 OK, gang... phrenology.

00:19:15 The art of reading a person's fortune by feeling the bumps on his head.

00:19:21 - Aaah! - OK. Now, here we go.

00:19:26 Well, I can tell you're a very flexible person.

00:19:31 - Fozzie. - Yes, OK, OK, here we go.

00:19:34 I can see in your future... Tomorrow, yes, tomorrow...

00:19:38 you will have a stiff neck.

00:19:42 You're gonna get another job tomorrow, too, I'll tell you that.

00:19:45 - Please, please. Do it for Mom. - Yeah, sure.

00:19:48 - OK, here we go! Bumps! - Yeah, sure. Mother.

00:19:50 You got some nice bumps, frog. Bumps, bumps.

00:19:53 - Wonderful. - Except your, uh...

00:19:56 Your bumps for intelligence are very small.

00:20:00 - What? - Yeah, it's OK. I can fix that.

00:20:03 You're gonna what?

00:20:05 [Groans] Fozzie!

00:20:07 Get out of here!

00:20:14 Hi. Uncle Kermit's kinda busy right now,

00:20:17 so I don't think he'd mind if I tell you that here now,

00:20:20 accompanied by the puppet artistry of Bruce Schwartz,

00:20:24 is the lovely Miss Cleo Laine!

00:20:33 [# Lf]

00:24:06 Well, I think we've come down to the end of it.

00:24:08 But before we go, let's have a warm thank you for our special guest star,

00:24:12 ladies and gentlemen, Miss Cleo Laine!

00:24:19 Oh, thanks, Kermit. It's been a lot of fun, really.

00:24:23 Hey Fozzie, did your mom enjoy the show?

00:24:25 Oh, I don't know. I haven't even had time to ask her.

00:24:28 - Listen, Fozzie, why don't you ask her? - OK.

00:24:30 Hey, Mom! How'd you like the show?

00:24:33 [Snoring]

00:24:40 Oh, Mom, how could you? Oh!

00:24:43 We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!

00:25:23 Well, shall we call it a night?

00:25:25 Might as well. Certainly wouldn't call it a show.

00:25:28 [Both laugh]