Muppet Meeting Films

Muppet Meeting Films are a series of short films produced for public screening during business meetings and training sessions, beginning in 1975 and continuing sporadically through the 1990s.

History
The first films were commissioned in 1965 by IBM. Jim Henson developed these films with then-IBM employee David Lazer (head of the company's film and television division) who went on to produce many of the Muppet productions of the next twenty years, including The Muppet Show and The Muppet Movie.

One of the IBM films, "Coffee Break Machine", features an early version of Cookie Monster, who devours a complex machine as the machine describes its purpose and construction. At the end of the sketch, the talking machine explains that it's wired with a security system set to explode if tampered with. The monster promptly combusts. This film was so successful that Henson performed the sketch in 1967 for The Ed Sullivan Show, and it was remade as a Muppet Show sketch.

The IBM films were a hit, and in 1975, Henson Associates created the Muppet Meeting Films, which could be licensed to other companies.

Characters and Performers
The films were produced as collections of three or four skits, usually running about two or three minutes each. The first collection, "Muppet Picker Upper", used puppets that would soon become major characters on The Muppet Show. After this collection, the Classic Muppets didn't appear in the Meeting Films, except for a brief Kermit cameo in 1993, and one film featuring Miss Piggy and Fozzie Bear in the late 90s.

The rest of the Meeting Films taped with Henson feature two characters -- Leo, a master speechmaker and wordsmith, and Grump, a cynical crank. Leo and Grump are a classic duo performed by Jim Henson and Frank Oz, much like Kermit/Piggy and Ernie/Bert.

Around 1985, some other puppets were introduced, but none of them have constant identities, personalities, or voices. The most prominent is the David Lazer Muppet, an orange supervisor character (and caricature of David Lazer). The character was identified on Henson.com as "The Company Man" but unnamed in the films until 1992's "Executive Island", where he was referred to as Finneman. The only other character that maintains a constant voice and identity is Big Head, a grumpy boss character played by David Rudman, also introduced in 1992.

In the Meeting Films made after Henson's death, Frank Oz no longer performed and Leo and Grump were retired. A team of Muppet performers appear in the rest of the films, including Dave Goelz, Steve Whitmire, Jerry Nelson, Joey Mazzarino, and Kevin Clash.

Other characters to appear included Beautiful Day Monster, Luncheon Counter Monster, and a monster who was later used on Muppets Tonight as Big Mean Carl. Several of the generic supporting characters were later adapted as characters for Statler and Waldorf: From the Balcony, notably Ted Thomas and The Weather Guy.

The films continue to be distributed as rentals for business use by Enterprise Media. According to the company's website, popular titles include "Sell, Sell, Sell" (the top-ranked release), "Let's Have the Dam Break", "The Meeting That Would Not Die", "The Sky's The Limit" and "Win! Win! Win!".

The Muppet Introduction
Janice introduces "the person who will introduce the person who will introduce the next speaker," P. Fenton Cosgrove, who brings on Sam the Eagle, who (reluctantly) presents Kermit.  Sam: Ladies and gentlemen, here is the person who will introduce the next speaker, that great American, that great patriot, here is... Kermit the Frog.  Kermit: Hi there!  Sam: It is demeaning for the American Eagle to introduce... a frog!
 * Kermit and Sam are played by Henson and Oz. Cosgrove, who would soon become Waldorf, is played by Jerry Nelson. Janice is performed by Fran Brill.

Just a Few Announcements
Before the Muppets begin their meeting, Janice reads a series of announcements. Gonzo rushes in and out with updates on the status of a white Eldorado with Delaware plates. Kermit announces a meeting for all the company frogs at 9:30 in the Boom Boom Room. When told he's the only frog in the company, he asks Sam to join him, and even offers to "get you some flippers and spray you green." Cosgrove falls asleep.  Janice: The early buses will be leaving a half hour late, and the late buses will be early. You may board them at the rear entrance, rather than the side entrance as previously announced.

Sell, Sell, Sell
Against a series of projected backdrops, Leo gives a motivational speech which starts out calmly and gets progressively louder and wilder. The puppeteer manipulating Leo's hands steals the scene, grasping his clothes and the podium.  Leo: For the sake of free enterprise -- for the sake of the company -- for the sake of the family -- for the sake of the children -- for motherhood -- for apple pie -- for puppy dogs and kitty cats -- for everything that is near and dear to us -- I ask you to remember just one word... and that word is SELL! I want you to get out there and sell, sell, SELL! I want you to sell your socks off!
 * During the montage of images projected behind Leo, two shots of Henson and his wife and kids are seen when Leo invokes "family" and "children".

Introduction with a Slight Snare
Grump is startled to hear his speech being underscored by Leo on the drums, who suggests Grump add some pep to his speech.  Leo: (demonstrating a snazzy intro) He just got back from a vacation for a change and some rest. The waiters got the change and the hotel got the rest. And he pays his taxes with a smile, but the IRS say they prefer cash.

The Five Basic Rules of Selling
As an announcer reads the rules, salesman Leo knocks on a door to find an unruly chimp answering.  Announcer: (as Leo tries to hide in the chimp's cage): Rule #3: Put yourself in the customer's place.

Wheels of Progress
Leo brings Grump a skateboard -- an efficiency expert's dream. Grump ends up knocking over everything in the room and falling out the window.  Leo: I calculate that I can save 17 minutes a day from my inner production area mobility schedule.  Grump: What?  Leo: Walkin' around the office.

The Secret of Success
Like "Sell, Sell, Sell", this is another motivational speech, this time given by Grump, who gets carried away -- literally.  Grump: And if push comes to shove, show 'em what you're made of. You push! You shove! You grab! You bite! You kick! Beat the other guy! Fight, fight, fight!

Meal Break
Leo is happy to have a meal break, but Grump verbally assaults the food. In retaliation, the food physically assaults Grump.  Grump: The meat looks condemned, the mashed potatos are like sponges, I've never seen a gray salad before...

Grump Critic
Leo asks Grump to give him a signal if his speech gets boring -- so Grump uses a loud obnoxious horn. Leo's speech is on specifics of inventory, and he gets totally drowned out.  Grump: <''honk! honk! honk!''>  Leo: What? What? What?  Grump: Dull! Dull! Dull!

Let's have the Dam Break
As Leo gives a speech on the state of accounting, Grump desperately needs to relieve himself. Unfortunately, everything Leo says reminds Grump of bodily functions.  Leo: Now you can be sure that all our liquid assets will be launched directly into the mainstream.

Ideal Sales Rep
Leo uses Grump as a visual aid on the ideal sales rep -- with a magic wand, much to Grump's annoyance. <p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Grump: Leo, I can't carry all this stuff! You gotta be built like a gorilla to carry this stuff! <p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Leo: What a good idea! Presto! More modern technology, Grump. <p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Grump: I want a banana!

Computer!
Grump, looking for the number of the pizza place, interrupts Leo's talk on the necessity of computers. Leo suggests Grump use the computerized directory. After finding that a process meant to simplify things actually makes things too complicated, Grump goes for a different pizza interface -- in Leo's face, that is. <p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Leo: To invoke the telephone directory program, first boot the system, then B-load CPN, load Integer into the language card, check the ROM, turn on the RAM, put the floppy disk in DOS and type Run. <p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Grump: ...This is gonna get me a pizza?

Take This Form and File It
Leo tries to give a speech on humanity, but Grump, the new Executive in Charge of Red Tape, interrupts with a form to fill out for everything Leo mentions. <p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Leo: Listen, I'm not just talking about a trip across town, you know. <p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Grump: Well, then do you want hotel accommodations and meal vouchers? <p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Leo: I'm talking about all of life! <p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Grump: Then you'll definitely need the meal vouchers!

What's This Meeting All About?
Grump asks Leo what the meeting they're about to attend is all about. Leo, obviously unsure himself, tries to sound like he knows all about it. The pair's uncertainty develops into job anxiety, typifying the insecurity of the corporate workplace. <p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Leo: It's actually very simple. It's a synthesis of several interfacing systems analyzed to output ratios.

The Big Plan
Leo presents his B.I.G. (Business Improvement Guarantee) Plan for future planning, chock-full of acronyms. Grump is run down trying to keep up with the slides. <p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Leo: C.H.A.O.S. -- Can't Handle All Our Systems? What you need is P.E.P. -- Personal Experience Planning. With get up and G.O. -- Good Organization, you'll know what to D.O. -- Don't Obscure the need for immediate action.

Who Needs a Break?
Leo and Grump are stuck in a long meeting on increasing productivity. Unfortunately, one of the supervisor's ways to accomplish this is to eliminate breaks. <p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Finneman: Eating, drinking, going to the bathroom -- they're just basic human needs! Grow up!
 * This film introduces the Dave Lazer Muppet as Leo and Grump's supervisor, who appears frequently but isn't named until 1992, and doesn't have a consistent puppeteer.

The Sky's the Limit
This is a variation on the motivational speech format. Instead of being in front of a projected screen, Leo gives a speech to "some of the best heads in the business" -- the Balloon Audience, Muppets with balloon heads. Most end up soaring into the sky, but some "burst with enthusiasm." <p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Leo: At the risk of inflating a few egos, I must say that I have never been so impressed and delighted by my own colleagues -- and that's not just a lot of hot air.

The Half-Minute Manager
In an effort to increase efficiency, Finneman brings in Kent to streamline the division in thirty seconds. <p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Kent: After I got my degree, I worked for five minutes at an investment bank, two minutes at a computer company, and fifteen seconds as a freelance controller. <p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Leo: Great! <p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Kent: You bet! Then I got disenchanted with business and I decided I wanted to find myself -- so I went to Tibet for ten minutes.
 * This is one of the few times that Frank Oz plays a character other than Grump -- the overbearing, fast-paced Kent.

Benefits
Personnel and Benefits gurus Leo and Grump demonstrate the company's new six volume benefits plan from Double Cross and No Shield, which is "second to some and third to none." <p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Ugly Muppet: What about cosmetic surgery? <p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Leo: Well, we don't usually cover a face, but in your case I think we could make an exception. Anybody got a paper bag?
 * Kevin Clash debuts, doubling as the ugly Muppet and as an elderly character, still awaiting a benefit payment. The latter character, later named Franklin, would appear frequently, alternating between background appearances and featured roles, and like the other repertort players, with different performers. Diana, a green female Muppet later featured in "Executive's Island", also makes her debut.

Nobody's Perfect
Leo and Grump give a presentation on the perfect employee. Starting with the "raw materials" -- a faceless Whatnot -- the two add features to their model, none of which please their supervisor until the Whatnot is made to look just like him. <p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Finneman: All right, you two, time's up! You better start researching the perfect UN-employee!
 * More puppeteers are being added at this point in the series, and this short features Kevin Clash as the Whatnot.

Super Salesperson
Once again, Leo and Grump are captive attendees at a long meeting, this one by Smilin' Ed on the 67 Commandments of selling. To demonstrate the power of persuasion, he attempts to sell Leo an item of little value -- a cup of coffee. Needless to say, Smilin' Ed doesn't have to try too hard. <p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Smilin' Ed: Now -- combine Smilin' Ed's three Ps with Smilin' Ed's three Zs, the two Ks and the four Os, and what does it spell?

The Safety Zone
In a Twilight Zone takeoff, Grump learns how dangerous the office can be -- with perils like paper cups, spilt coffee and letter openers. <p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Finneman: In every office, there is an entrane to a bewildering cosmos of chaos. You may know it by its familiar name: The Filing Cabinet!

The Rap Up
When no one listens to Leo's presentation, he gets out his BMV -- Business Music Video, a video loaded with slick computer graphics and kick drum cliches. <p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Leo: Does anybody have any ideas? Bobby? Biffy? Joey? Does anybody hear me? Goobly goobly goo? No one listens to me.

Explosion
In a throwback to the Wilkins and Wontkins commercials, Grump complains about the meeting until Leo blows him up. <p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Grump: The presentations are stupid, the speakers are boring, the chairs are uncomfortable, and I hate those little films that they show.

Leo and the Monster
Leo gives a boring speech, interrupted by the Luncheon Counter Monster, who threatens to destroy his podium and eat Leo. <p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Leo: Here, then, is my comprehensive list of each and every secret to success. <p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Monster: (Yawn.) <p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Leo: Well, there are 97 of them. <p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Monster: ROAR!!! <p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Leo: B-but I shall be touching on them very briefly!

The Coffee Break Machine
In a sequel to the classic Monster-vs-Machine sketch, and a remake of the 1967 IBM meeting film, Luncheon Counter Monster returns to attack a talking coffee machine. <p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Machine: In addition, this unit is capable of achieving any level of caffeination by drawing on a lifetime supply of concentrated caffeine -- a supply equivalent to the amount of energy necessary to light the city of Buffalo.

Sales Savvy
"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times." It's the tale of two salesmen, Mr. Right (Leo) and Mr. Wrong (Grump), as they demonstrate how to make a sale -- and how not to. <p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Narrator: Mr. Wrong isn't quite sure what his product does. <p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Grump: Yeah, well, see, babe, it's one of those, uh, y'know, uh... high-tech kinda things.

The Art of Negotiation
Leo and Grump negotiate about whether they want to demonstrate negotiation. <p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Leo: Grump, how can we negotiate if you won't disagree with me? <p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Grump: I will not disagree with you, no matter what you say!

Break'n the Rules
After legal expert Bob demonstrates how to safely communicate, Leo tries to announce a coffee break with Bob's extreme counsel. <p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Leo: Anyway, there will be something fresh to nibble on... <p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Bob: Leo, you're skating on pretty thin legal ice there. I get goosebumps just thinking of the possible lawsuits. I mean, how about something like 'a snack as to which we make no representation nibblewise.'
 * Kevin Clash makes more appearances in this collection, as the Narrator and legal expert Bob.

The Big Picture
When assistant Smerdley is overwhelmed with responsibility and can't get his boss a cup of coffee, Mr. Briteweight lectures him with a "Sell, Sell, Sell" type speech, complete with the projected background. <p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Briteweight: I can't take it anymore! You've destroyed democracy, decency and everything I believe in! Goodbye, Smerdley! <p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Smerdley: Don't jump, sir! I'll get your coffee!

Executives' Island
Three executives, stranded on an island, attempt to hold a board meeting with strict procedures, as a fourth tries to direct their attention to an approaching ship. <p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Mr. Mulligan: Now then, weve been trapped on this island for three months, which of course means... <p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Finneman and Diana: Quarterly reports!

The Meeting That Would Not Die
A send-up of B-movie thrillers in which employees try to silence an unstoppable speaker. <p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Announcer: Nothing could stop it, not phone calls, not fire drills, not even common workplace decapitation. <p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Blade-wielding Muppet: Papercut!!! AAAAHHHH!!!
 * This is the first post-Henson collection, and includes a range of star puppeteers in place of Henson and Oz. Dave Goelz is featured as Smerdley, Mr. Mulligan and the unstoppable Speaker. Steve Whitmire plays a very Leo-ish Mr. Briteweight. Jerry Nelson is the Announcer. David Rudman is Jones, the boat spotter in "Executives' Island" (also featured in "The Meeting That Would Not Die").

Great Moments in Business History
As two cavemen fight over a bone, an announcer narrates the beginnings of such business procedures as supply and demand, competitiveness and the first lawyers -- cavemen beating each other with clubs. <p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Caveman: BONE appetit! Heh heh.

Blinded By Research
99.3% of consumers polled said that they would prefer to be poked in the eye with a sharp stick over being thrown into a vat of boiling acid, so the company develops the Sharp Stick 3000. <p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Demo Commercial: You've made the move up to quality, to excellence, to a whole new way of looking at ocular disruption... The Sharp Stick 3000! Everything else is just a pointy piece of wood.
 * This film introduces Big Head, played by David Rudman. Also seen for the first time is the Muppet that would become Clarissa on Muppets Tonight.

Think Bigger
Three huge monsters won't listen to a small monster with an idea. Instead, the monsters carry motions and then eat them. <p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Monster: I draw your attention to the Hassenpfeffer contract!
 * The Chief Officer of the meeting is the puppet that would become Big Mean Carl. The small monster is Boo Monster, from Little Muppet Monsters.

How to Sell
As a sales seminar final exam, Gimley demonstrates the different techniques he's learned... including one his boss forgot -- Know Your Customer. <p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Gimley: You have a mole on your back that looks like Eleanor Roosevelt! And you like to tap dance in your underwear to Ethel Merman records.
 * In his only appearance since 1975, Kermit makes a cameo as a Cute Corporate Mascot.

Great Salespeople in History
Diane learns the great tradition of salespeople throughout history, including Caesar, Shakespeare and Betsy Ross. <p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Moses: That's right, friends, not one, not two, but ten, count 'em, ten laws to live by!

How to End a Meeting
Big Head demands his employees find a way to get an unstoppable speaker off the stage. <p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Big Head: (dressed as The Fat Lady Singing) The meeting is o-ver / The meeting is oo-ver / It was a success / It's time to recess!

Now Hear This!
Big Head wants the O'Toole/Fleener report on communication. As each employee calls another department on the telephone, the original message mutates. <p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Shirley: Pool cleaner report? That's not Marketing, that's Maintenance.

Top Ten Reasons to Take a Break
A female David Letterman character presents a Top Ten list, with Muppet visual demonstrations. <p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Letterman: #5: You know it's really time to take a break... when you mentally undress everyone in the room, then redress them in each other's clothes.

Win! Win! Win!
Another "Sell, Sell, Sell" speech in front of a projected screen. <p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Speaker: Reach out! Grab the competition! Turn him inside out! Shake the change out of his pockets!
 * Joey Mazzarino plays the speaker.

Teamwork in Action
In this final Muppet Meeting Film, Miss Piggy, Fozzie Bear and a group of frustrated library patrons work together to turn a cacophony of sound into a symphony.