Episode 114: Sandy Duncan/transcript

It's The Muppet Show, with our

special guest star Miss Sandy Duncan!

It's time to play the music

It's time to light the lights

It's time to meet the Muppets

on The Muppet Show tonight

It's time to put on makeup

It's time to dress up right

It's time to raise the curtain

on The Muppet Show tonight

Hey, we were so poor,

I was born at home,

After my mother saw me,

she went to the hospitaI,

To introduce our guest star

That's what I'm here to do

So it really makes me happy

To introduce to you

Miss Sandy Duncan!

Thank you,

But now let's get things started

on the most sensationaI, inspirationaI

CelebrationaI, MuppetationaI

This is what we call

The Muppet Show

Thank you, thank you, thank you,

Hi-ho, I'm in a great mood tonight,

and that's because our special guest star

is a reaI good friend and a lovely lady -

Miss Sandy Duncan,

And so that means our show tonight

should be a reaI bang-up affair,

Did somebody say "bang"?

- Uh, no,

Oh,

I've always wondered what the

show looked like from up here,

In any event, let's start off

the show with a musicaI number

that was staged by our own gofer

Scooter, It could be a bomb, but

Did somebody say "bomb"?

- Oh!

Oh, no!

Wow,

Well, somebody's gotta

introduce our guest star,

so it might as well

be the old Fozzie, OK,

Here she is, a star who does it all,

She sings, she dances, she acts

and she makes you feeI good all over,

Miss Sandy Duncan!

Lost in a crowd

Alone

And drinkin' my third

Hungry for company

Ã¢â?¢Âª Can't think of the words

Ã¢â?¢Âª Watchin' the boys,

my heart in my hand

- # What a misplaced pitifuI sight

- # PitifuI sight

Just a stiff upper lip

who'll be knowin' tomorrow

What she should have

been sayin' tonight

Won't you tell me

what's a nice girI like me

Doin' in a place that never closes?

Well, I can hardly hear ya

Holy Moses

Lookin' so sad

Now won't you tell me

what's a nice girI like me

Doin' by the dance floor after hours

Dozin' over rows of whiskey sours

- # Feelin' so bad?

- # Feelin' so bad, so bad

I'm feelin' so bad for me

Whatcha doin' here, girI?

Whatcha doin' here, girI?

Now won't you tell me

what's a nice girI like me

Doin' in a place that never closes?

I can hardly hear ya

Holy Moses

Lookin' so sad

Now won't you tell me

what's a nice girI like me

Doin' by the dance floor after hours

Dozin' over rows of whiskey sours

Feelin' so bad?

I'm feelin' so bad for me

Whatcha doin' here, girI?

Whatcha doin' here, girI?

Thank you,

Bravo! Bravo!

- WonderfuI,

Fantastic,

- Tremendous,

Yeah, you know, she makes

me feeI like a young boy,

She makes me feeI like a young

girI, I think I'll go find one,

Oh, where is that handsome frog?

Oh, there you are, old frog friend,

- What?

Would you lend me a fiver till payday?

Fozzie, you already owe me five,

- Oh, please, please,

I know it, but I gotta pay my

writer, the legendary Gags Beazley,

The legendary Gags comes

pretty cheap, doesn't he?

Well, we worked out a good deaI,

You pay him by the line?

- No, I pay him by the laugh,

Oh, Then he owes you money,

Oh, that was cute, That

was reaI cute, Frog!

The spoons, English

word - here the moo-fin,

See the moo-fin? For the

hooI, the boomer shootin',

That's make der hooI,

we throw der hoop,

Here we throw hoop,

Mm-hmm, That's very good,

This were the hooI, Hoop!

That's weird, We throw der hoop,

This were the hooI, Doo-nut,

OK! Right now it's time

for our own king of comedy,

You've no doubt heard the expression

"the next act needs no introduction"

Yeah, you're right, He doesn't need

an introduction, He needs an act,

In your opinion, maybe, but Fozzie

Bear gets over 200 letters a week,

Mm-hmm, yeah, but if he paid

his bills, he wouldn't get any,

I'll let Fozzie handle

you guys, Here he is now,

one of your favorites and I'm sure one of his

- Mr, Fozzie Bear!

Hey, thank you, thank you,

thank you and thank you,

Hey, love you, Oh, look out, I've

got some great ones for you tonight,

Hey, my wife loves children,

but I can't bear them,

Huh? Huh?

Hey, we got three kids

- one of each,

Ha ha!

Oh, I'm rolling now, I'm

on a roll, I'm on a roll!

Yeah? Well, why don't you butter

yourself and slip on out of here?

Speaking of slipping, are you guys

familiar with the banana sketch?

Oh, nice segue,

- Smooth,

Good blend,

Hey, hey, These two bananas

are walking down the street,

and one banana says

Listen to Fozzie, Oh!

He has them eating

right out from his hand,

Well, he's got a new writer

- Gags Beazley,

Not the legendary Gags Beazley?

- You mean, you've heard of him?

Well, who hasn't?

- Me, for one,

But Gags Beazley, he is to

comedy what Mozart was to music,

He wrote the famous banana sketch,

The banana sketch,

What's the banana sketch?

You never heard of the banana

sketch? But it's the funniest

What's?

Oh, oh

Oh, hear that?

Great, great,

- Oh, boy, I killed 'em, Oh, boy,

Yeah, I closed with the

banana sketch, you know?

Fozzie, what is the banana sketch?

You never heard of the banana sketch?

- Um

Hey, guys, Hey, Kermit never

heard of the banana sketch!

What's?

I think somebody's pulling my leg,

Somebody is pulling my

leg, It's The Great Gonzo,

You never heard of the banana sketch?

Will you cut that out!

Yeesh,

You know, when I was in London,

I saw them changing the guards,

Why, were they dirty?

Where'd you say you were born?

- In Paris,

Oh, How'd you do that?

- The usuaI way,

My cousin lives in the desert,

and boy, can he run fast,

- 'Cause the sand is so hot?

- No, 'cause the trees are so far apart,

Do you remember where we first met?

- Yeah,

At the hop,

You know, I'm falling for you,

- What can I do?

Get out of the way!

Wanna join me?

- Yeah,

Backwards,

Excuse me, Sideways,

Ohh,

Oh, that was fun,

Excuse me, Pardon me,

- Huh?

You talkin' to me?

- Yes,

I couldn't help noticing

that you're crying,

Of course I'm crying, I feeI sad,

I mean, wouldn't you feeI

sad if you looked like me?

I don't think there's anything

the matter with the way you look,

Oh, you're just saying that to be nice,

- No,

No, I mean, I'm a big, huge,

hairy lump, and I scare people,

Every time I walk in this

park, people yell, "Police!"

They cry, "Monster!"

Mothers grab their children and

little dogs run away and flowers wilt,

Oh, now, come on, I think you're

exaggerating just a bit, aren't you?

Oh, yeah? Well, watch this,

Hello, flower,

See?

- Yeah, Gee

And then see this

dog over here? - Uh-huh,

Hello, doggy,

But I'm not running away,

I'm not calling the police,

and I don't think you're

a big lump, So there,

Well, it's true, You're not,

A beautifuI lady like you takes

the time to sit down and talk to me?

Yeah, I just don't

like seeing people cry,

I think there's too much

sadness in the world,

You know what? If people just took a

little time to look past the physicaI,

they might find a lot of

beautifuI things about you,

Oh!

I feeI so good, so so

loved, so so beautifuI!

You see? If we feel

beautifuI, we are beautifuI,

Oh, I feeI beautifuI!

Hello, flower,

Hello, doggy,

I feeI beautifuI!

Do-do-dee-doh-doh

Hello, fountain,

Oh, thank you, beautifuI lady,

- You're welcome,

Oh,

dum-duh-duh

Hello, pavement, Hello, grass,

Oh, my,

You mustn't look so sad,

Oh

I know that that you may

appear to be, on the outside, ugly,

but inside,

I'll bet that you are as

beautifuI as a morning sunrise,

On the other hand

When life seems

full of clouds and rain

And I am filled with naught but pain

Who soothes my

thumping, bumping brain?

Nobody

When winter comes

with snow and sleet

And me with hunger and cold feet

Who says, "Here's

two bits, go and eat"?

Nobody

I ain't never done nothin' to nobody

I ain't never got

nothing from nobody no time

And untiI I get something

from somebody sometime

I don't intend to

do nothin' for nobody

No time

When I try hard and scheme and plan

To look as good as e'er I can

Who says, "Look at

that handsome man"?

Who does?

- # Nobody

When all day long things go amiss

And I go home to find some bliss

Who hands to me a glowing kiss?

Nobody,

- Right,

I ain't never done nothin'

To nobody

I ain't never got nothing

From nobody no time

And untiI I get something

From somebody sometime

I don't intend to

do nothin' for nobody

No time

Hi, everybody,

- Hi there,

Oh, dear, I should have warned him,

Never smile at a crocodile

No, you can't get

friendly with a crocodile

Don't be taken in

by his welcome grin

He's imagining how well

you'd fit within his skin

Never smile at a crocodile

Never tip your hat

and stop to talk a while

Never run, walk away

Say, "Good night,"

not "Good day"

Clear the aisle and

never smile at Mr, Crocodile

You may very well be well-bred

Lots of etiquette in your head

But there's always some

special case, time or place

To forget etiquette

For instance

Never smile at a crocodile

No, you can't get

friendly with a crocodile

Don't be taken in by my welcome grin

I'm imagining how well

you'd fit within my skin

Never smile at a crocodile

Never tip your hat

and stop to talk a while

Never run, walk away

Say, "Good night,"

not "Good day"

G'night!

- G'night!

Clear the aisle and

never smile at Mr, Crocodile

Maybe I could meet you

guys tomorrow for lunch?

You know, Sandy, it's nice for the two

of us just to have a moment alone to talk,

I enjoy it, yeah,

- Hey, Sandy, Hey, Kermit,

Yeah, hi, Fozzie,

- Hi, Fozzie,

Hi, Oh, boy, do I have good news,

You can't stay long?

- No,

No, I got plen I

got plenty of time,

That's bad news, What's the good news?

- Oh

OK, Frog, see, the good news is that

I have a great idea for a sketch

Oh,

- for both of us to play,

You want to do a sketch with me?

- No, not you, With Sandy,

With me? Oh, that's a

- Yeah,

Well, that sounds great, Fozzie,

- Yeah,

Who wrote your sketch?

- Oh, my writer,

the legendary Gags Beazley,

Oh, come on, Fozzie,

Gags Beazley is your writer?

- Come on?

You know him?

- Well, I

Of course I know him, I mean,

you heard of Gags Beazley,

He wrote the famous banana sketch,

- That's right!

Wait a minute, Wait a

minute, Wait a minute,

Not you, too, Sandy,

- Huh?

Well, tell me, what

is this banana sketch?

You never heard of

it? Come on, Kermit,

Everybody's heard of the banana sketch,

- I told you, Kermit,

You know something?

- What?

Gags Beazley, I can't

believe he's your writer,

Yeah, yeah, yeah,

- You know something?

I am impressed, Fozzie,

Really impressed,

Mm-hmm,

- Yeah,

It's a reaI classic, this banana sketch?

- Yeah,

And it was written by Gags Beazley?

- Yeah,

How does it go there, Sandy?

- I mean, "Gags," "banana,"

The words - synonymous,

right? - Right,

You can say that again, I gag

every time I hear about this sketch,

Fozzie, I could just be thinking about

the banana sketch, and I start to crack up,

Me too,

- Do you? Does it make you laugh?

Oh, stop,

Listen, hey, Fozzie

- What? What? What?

Do you use a green

banana or a yellow one?

Oh, yellow, Yellow,

Yeah,

A yellow one, I love it,

Hey, wait, wait, Hold, hold on,

Wait a minute! Wait a minute!

Wait a minute! Wait a minute!

Hold! Hold! Hold, Hold,

Wait a minute, Wait a minute,

I'm sorry,

- Sandy, Sandy, please, please,

pretty please, Sandy, with

sugar on it, pretty please,

What?

- What is the banana sketch?

Go on, tell him, Go ahead, tell him,

Tell him, Tell him,

- You wanna tell him?

You tell him, You tell him, You tell him,

- OK, I'm gonna try,

Yeah?

- OK, Well, all right, All right,

Like, these two banan

These two bananas

are walking down the str

I can't stand it,

- It hurts to laugh,

Tell me the truth, Statler,

Do you get the banana sketch?

No, I get The New York Times

and the Manchester Guardian.

Sorry I asked,

Here's a Muppet news flash,

Dateline, Dallas, Texas,

Mrs, Billie Lee Bonkers of that city

recently entered the Guinness Book of Records

by establishing the world

jumping-in-place record,

Mrs, Bonkers began jumping

in place three months ago

and so far has jumped 652,000 times,

- 652,00 1.

- Mrs, Bonkers,

652,002.

Mrs, Bonkers, do you need any

special incentive to keep you going?

Oh, my, no. I have all

the incentive that I need.

Uh, how's that?

I am standing on a hot plate.

Ahh! Ooh! Ohh!

652,003

Truly a courageous

and inspiring story,

Where do we get these nuts?

OK, stand by for Veterinarian's

Hospital, Veterinarian's Hospital.

Oh, frog of my life,

please tell me what they're

saying about you is not true,

What's that, Piggy?

That you, you host of a television

show, veteran of the boards,

you have never heard

of the banana sketch?

Uh, "Piggy," said the frog, trying

to refrain from losing his cooI

and looking like a bad sport,

"there is no banana sketch!"

"There never was a banana sketch and

there never will be a banana sketch!"

Whew,

- Touchy, touchy,

Hey, which way to my dressing room?

And don't try to shove

me into the refrigerator,

And now

"Veterinarian's Hospital, "

the continuing story of a

former orthopedic surgeon

who's gone to the dogs.

Well, what do you think, Dr, Bob?

This is your first transplant,

Well, there's always a second chance,

But what if he doesn't

make it, Dr, Bob?

I don't mean him, I mean me,

Let me check into something,

The old ticker still sounds great,

Oh, you mean, his new heart is fine?

No, I mean my new watch, I dropped

it in when I was sewing him up,

So Dr. Bob dropped his

watch in the patient's chest.

Tune in next week, when

we'll hear Dr. Bob say.

Well, let's look on the bright side,

At least if he doesn't make it,

we'll know the exact time he went,

That's wonderfuI,

wonderfuI, right, Statler?

Good grief, did he jump?

Try to remember

The kind of September

When life was slow

And oh, so mellow

Try to remember

The kind of September

When grass was green

And grain was yellow

Try to remember

The kind of September

When you were a

tender and callow fellow

Try to remember

And if you remember

Then follow

Follow

Follow

Try to remember

When life was so tender

That no one wept

Except the willow

Try to remember

When life was so tender

That dreams were kept

Beside your pillow

Try to remember

When life was so tender

That love was an ember

About to billow

Try to remember

And if you remember

Then follow

Follow

Follow

Well, once again it's time to fold

up our tents, but before we go,

we'd like to give a special thanks

to our guest star, Miss Sandy Duncan!

Thank you, Thank you,

Kermit,

I want you to know I had a good time,

- Oh, me, too, Hey, and you know

how some shows give their guest star

a dozen roses at the end of the show?

You shouldn't have,

- I didn't, Hey, banana boy!

Sandy, it was the frog's

idea, not mine, not mine,

It's all right, I love it, I love all of you,

- Yeah?

Yeah, well, I hope that's the last

I ever hear of the banana sketch,

We'll see you all next

time on The Muppet Show!

Thank you,

Well, how'd you like the show?

Maybe I'm getting soft, but

I loved it, Have a banana,