Episode 106: Tony Bennett/transcript

♪ lurin' every lad about ♪

♪ while leavin' me moanin' low... ♪

I can fix it.

Aah!

Spamela's smoking.

Is she ever!

Somebody get a fire extinguisher!

♪ try to set the night on firefly ♪

♪ shine a little light on ♪

♪ shine a little light on ♪

♪ shine a little light on me ♪

♪ in the mornin' ♪

What's that famous song Tony Bennett sings?

I left my heart in san francisco.

Big deal! I left my teeth in Minneapolis.

Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha!

And now for tonight's exciting episode

Of nypd green...

Did you see where he went?

I think lost him.

We let that filthy dirtbag get away.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Who are you?

The network censor.

You can't call someone a filthy dirtbag on a family show.

Oh, no.

You misunderstood.

We were talking about

An actual filthy bag of dirt here that was stolen.

Oh...Sorry.

Please continue.

O.K. Uh, where were we?

I think it's your line.

Yes. Yes.

I swear, detective amphibowitz,

I will not rest until we catch

That slimy skuzzball.

Stop! You cannot say slimy skuzzball.

Oh, no. You misunderstood again.

You see, the guy that stole the filthy dirtbag

Is actually a slimy skuzzball.

Uh, skuzz, could you come here, please?

Ugh!

That's right, lady.

I'm a skuzzball.

I live under the couch.

The cat coughed me up.

Got a problem with that?

No, that's fine. I'm sorry.

Carry on.

[man] ah ha ha.

Oh, my little baby. Mmm. Mmm.

I suppose this is a bloodsucking bass-kisser.

No, that's don, the prop guy.

Lady, you got a filthy mind.

Let's just flip off the camera.

What?

Yeah. Give it up.

Heh heh heh.

Now Muppets Tonight nervously presents

Gonzo the great

And his misguided missiles of death!

[band plays fanfare]

Whoa!

Whoo!

Good evening, danger lovers.

Tonight, I, the great Gonzo,

Will attach myself to this intercontinental ballistic missile

And ski-jump over eight, live,

Free-range chickens!

[clucking]

Why do you need a rocket to jump over chickens?

I give up, Clifford. Why do you need a rocket?

It's not a joke.

You're telling me!

You should see my insurance premiums!

[clucking]

Chickens...

A little wagner, please.

[clucking]

O.K., let her rip!

Ha ha!

Aah!

Aah!

Ah ha ha!

You won't see that on friends.

Aah!

[echoing]

Have a good day, sir.

Everything's going smoothly, team.

Gonzo cleared those chickens

With about 18,000 miles to spare.

Ha ha.

And that leaves us with...

Nothing.

Nothing?

There's nothing on stage! Quick!

Cue the Johnny Fiama show!

Out of the way!

Oh, man, did you see that?

Yeah.

Did you see Gonzo take off?

Where'd he land?

Technically, chief, he hasn't.

Say what?

Uh-uh.

Where's he at, then?

We're tracking Gonzo right now.

According to our calculations,

He's just passed over perth

And is now somewhere near

Rapid city, south dakota.

Residents!

That was cool.

That guy can fly fast and stuff.

You said "Fly." hee hee. Hee hee.

Shut up, rockhead.

Hee hee. Ha ha.

Huh huh. Hee hee.

Now he's over turkey. Now he's over Greece.

Now he's overeaten. Ha ha!

I made a funny.

[ding]

What does that bell mean?

I think that means Gonzo has reached

The apogee his trajectory.

Nope. That means...

My popcorn is done!

U ha ha ha!

Keep an eye on Gonzo.

I'll check out the Johnny Fiama talk show.

Hope he's not doing a letterman ripoff.

He'd never do that.

Number 2...

Ha ha ha ha ha!

And the number 1 reason chicks dig me...

Ha ha ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha haha!

Thanks, Sal. We're moving on, huh?

Now it's time to bring out first guest.

I am so excited.

Let me explain.

Tony Bennett I all-time favorite idol.

I am so nervous. We've never met.

He loves a marinara with linguini, like I do.

So, let's bring him out. I'm nervous.

Ladies and gentlemen,

Mr. Tony Bennett!

[band plays refrain I left my heart in san francisco]

Great to finally meet you, Johnny.

Uh...

[stammering]

Is he o.K., Sal?

Yeah. Just scared t of his gourd to meet you.

Want a cannoli?

Uh, no. No, thanks.

Suit yourself.

Maybe you and I should just sing--

Uh, song?

Yeah, come on.

Now?

Yeah, now.

We'll have fun.

[band plays intro]

♪ I say potato and you say ♪

♪ paa... ♪

♪ I say tomato and you say ♪

♪ toa... ♪

♪ tomato ♪

♪ toa... ♪

♪ tomahto ♪

♪ toa... ♪

♪ let's call the whole thing off ♪

[thud]

I guess we'll call the whole thing off.

Hey, Sal, save me a cannoli.

Yeah, sure.

Oops.

I--I finished them all.

Welcome back to Muppets Tonight.

Let's give a big welcome

To an act that I know you'll like--

The musical stylings of carl, the big mean bunny.

[applause]

Wait a minute. You're not a bunny.

No. But I'm big and mean.

What's on your tie?

Oh!

Ha ha! Thank you.

[plays out of tune]

Any news from Gonzo yet?

Not yet. According to our calculations,

He's somewhere in new york city.

[gasp] [gasp] [gasp]

New york city? New york city?

[grunt]

I can't believe I passed out

In front of Tony Bennett.

Eh.

Eh?

Like that's not a big thing?

Tonight was the most embarrassing moment of my life.

What about that time

You ralphed all over the japanese prime minister?

That was george bush.

Why do you always confuse us?

I'm sorry, mr. Presid-- I mean, Johnny.

Pack, huh?

I can only hope not many people

Saw what happened tonight.

If that's what you're hoping,

You shouldn't look at today's variety.

No, I shouldn't look at that.

So, uh, what do you want I should do?

Nothing. All right?

Nothing. I just want to be alone now.

You want me to help you be alone?

No, Sal!

Just go.

Go.

Sorry, Johnny.

I was, uh...

Just trying to help.

No, Sal.

Get out.

Out.

Sal,

Would you get off the dashboard, huh?

Sal, stop--

I'm over here, you stupid monkey.

Sal, stop grooming me.

What do you mean

You voted for dukakis?

♪ you'll laugh tonight and cry tomorrow ♪

♪ when you behold your shattered schemes ♪

♪ gigolo and gigolette ♪

♪ wake up to find their eyes are wet ♪

♪ with tears that tell of broken dreams ♪

[thunder]

♪ I walk along the street of sorrow ♪

♪ the boulevard of broken dreams ♪

[meowing]

♪ and gigolo and gigolette ♪

♪ can take a kiss without regret ♪

♪ so they forget their broken dreams ♪

♪ you'll laugh tonight and cry tomorrow ♪

♪ when you behold your shattered schemes ♪

♪ gigolo and gigolette ♪

♪ wake up to find their eyes are wet ♪

♪ with tears that tell of broken dreams ♪

♪ here is where you'll always find me-- ♪

Sal, what is it?

Hey, Tony.

Say, are you looking for something

Like a new personal assistant

Or bodyguard or something?

But your Johnny's monkey.

Not anymore.

Johnny hates me now.

I guess, to him, I'm...

I'm just a chump-anzee.

[sobbing]

Hey, Sal.

Hey, Sal--the suit.

Monkey tears don't come out.

I'm sorry.

The point is, Tony,

I got to find some way

To get back into Johnny's good graces.

Between the two of us,

I'm sure we can think of something.

Yeah.

Hmm.

I can't think of anything.

Me neither.

I feel like that robot Tony you've got in the case.

Hey, wait a minute.

That gives me an idea.

[ding]

And now great moments in elvis history presents...

"Elvis the king

and his knights of the round table."

Hark.

The king approaches.

The king approaches.

The king. The king.

Thank ya very much, galahad.

Your highness,

Trouble is brewing in your kingdom.

How dare you call your king dumb?

That there was a joke.

I suggest you laugh a lot.

You called, your majesty?

No, Lancelot.

I said, laugh a lot.

O.K.

Heh heh. Yeah.

Your highness,

Have you heard--

A dragon captured lady Guinevere?

No, but hum a few bars, and I'll rock along.

Have no fear, my liege,

I shall slay that beast.

Now, don't be cruel.

Guinevere may be a mite plain,

But she ain't no beast.

Mercy!

Holy grail! Holy grail!

It's merlin, and he's got the queen.

Ooh. How did you get her back?

That there dragon was sick of naggin'.

He sent back this here Guinevere.

Return to sender?

Address unknown?

You betcha.

Whoo. Whoo.

I hate that dragon.

All he ever ate was roast meat and barbecue.

Mmm! Mmm! Mmm!

Tasty! Tasty. Tasty.

Guinevere, I was afraid I'd lost you forever,

And you were the finest gal I had.

Yes, your majesty?

No, not you, galahad.

I was talking to my queen.

I'm so happy. It makes me want to dance a lot.

♪ yes, your majesty? ♪

No, not you, dancealot.

Heck. Let's just sing the song.

[to the tune of jailhouse rock]

♪ a dragon has captured lady Guinevere ♪

♪ but don't you worry ♪

♪ excalibur's here ♪

♪ that dragon breathes fire ♪

♪ he's mighty hot ♪

♪ a-just ask good ol' Lancelot ♪

♪ a-let's rock ♪

♪ oh, everybody, let's rock ♪

Uh-huh. Yeah.

♪ everybody knows that dragon is hot ♪

♪ a-we're rockin' here in Camelot ♪

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Join us next time

When great moments in elvis history presents...

Tarzan of graceland.

Ooh-yeah.

Me elvis.

You fried jelly donut.

Mmm.

Tasty.

Ah. Well, that'll be the last of it.

Oh.

Tony, Tony, Tony,

Tony, Tony, Tony.

I could always sing with you.

What have I done, Tony?

With the real Tony.

I'm the mamaluke of the year.

Oh, well, pal,

How about one for old time's sake?

[music plays]

♪ shakin' the blues away ♪

♪ unhappy news away ♪

♪ if you are blue ♪

♪ it's easy to shake ♪

♪ all your cares and troubles ♪

♪ tellin' the blues to go ♪

♪ they may refuse to go ♪

♪ but, as a rule, they'll go if you'll ♪

♪ shake 'em away ♪

♪ do like the voodoos do ♪

♪ listenin' to a voodoo melody ♪

♪ they shake their bodies so ♪

♪ to and fro ♪

♪ with every shake ♪

♪ a lucky break ♪

♪ provin' there's a way ♪

♪ to chase your cares away ♪

♪ if you would lose your weary blues ♪

♪ shake 'em away ♪

It's really you.

Right. I knew we could sing together.

You mean I'm singing with the real Tony?

Let's take it home.

♪ doo-do da-doo ♪

♪ da-da da-da-da-da ♪

♪ do like the voodoos do ♪

♪ listenin' to a voodoo melody ♪

♪ they shake their bodies so ♪

♪ to and fro ♪

♪ with every shake ♪

♪ a lucky break ♪

♪ provin' that there's a way ♪

♪ to chase the cares away ♪

♪ if you would lose your weary blues ♪

♪ shake 'em away ♪

Yeah.

Shake 'em.

I'm goin', tone.

Shake 'em.

Watch me, babe.

Shake 'em.

That's it.

♪ don't break 'em ♪

♪ shakin' all your blues away ♪

♪ ba ba ba ba baa ♪

Ah, yeah.

Yeah.

Thank you so much.

Don't thank me, Johnny.

Sal put this together.

Sal?

Sal, come up here, you little goofball.

Come here.

Come here.

Come here. Give me a hug.

Huh? Come here. Come on.

Who's my little stinky monkey?

I am.

Yeah. That's right.

Thank you, Sal.

It was very, very sweet of you.

Aw, it was nothing, Johnny.

It's just that when you couldn't sing with Tony,

You looked so pathetic and so pitiful,

And I just thought--

O.K., o.K. Thank you, Sal.

It's so good to see you guys back together.

It's because of you, Tony.

Ladies and gentlemen,

Mr. Tony Bennett.

Yeah. Yeah.

Isn't he wonderful?

Yeah. You all clap.

Thank you.

Thank you, Tony.

Thank goodness

This show's almost over.

So what happened to that blue freak on the missile?

Aah!

Whoa.

Is he all right?

I'll check his pulse.

If he's got one, I'll split it with you.

Ho ho ho! Ho ho ho!

Oh. Did I clear the chickens?

Ahhh...

Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha!

Heh heh heh! Heh heh heh!

What are guys doing?

I'm the real Tony Bennett.

You put the wrong guy in here.

Get me out of here.

Anybody.

Boy. Sure is realistic.

Let me out of here.

Let me out.