Episode 104: John Goodman/transcript

Have been great. No.

Just what the doctor ordered. I've been so busy lately,

If I didn't do a nice, relaxi show like this, I'd go crazy.

It is going to be relaxing, isn't it, clifford?

You promised me.

Yeah, john. What could possibly go wrong?

Ooh! Sparklers! [glass breaking]

Let's play with them.

No! Don't! Get away from there!

Huh?

You culd be electrocuted.

You guys could've been killed!

Thank mr. Goodman for saving your little piggy skin.

 thank you, mr. Good man.

Yeah. Without our skins, we could never be naked.

That's all right, fellas.

Hey, clifford.

The ig-pays are a little upid-stay.

Oh! He speaks the ancient tongue!

Oh! E-way are not orthy-way!

E-way are not orthy-way!

Welcome to my life.

I'll show you around the studio.

You know what? What?

We must become mr. Goodman's personal slaves

Because he saved our lives.

Yes. Without him, we might have been elocuted...

Like this.

Oh, yes! Let me.

No, my man--

Aah! Ooh!

What was that?

Smells like bacon.

Sure does.

[sniffs]

Not me.

[sniffs]

Not me.

It's muppets tonight

With our very special guest star john goodman!

Captioning made possible by the u.S. Department of education

♪ if you're a human being ♪

♪ take a break from the race ♪

♪ take a load off your feet ♪

♪ wipe the load off your face ♪

♪ got a lot to do ♪

♪ and we do it for you ♪

♪ everybody take your place ♪

♪ muppets tonight ♪

♪ you're gonna see something better ♪

♪ tonight's the night ♪

♪ you're gonna live with the memories ♪

♪ we got a show for you ♪

♪ guaranteed brand-new ♪

♪ here come the muppets tonight ♪

Yeah.

[whistling]

♪ we got a show for you ♪

♪ guaranteed brand-new ♪

♪ here come the muppets ♪

Here's our host-- clifford!

Good evening. Welcome to muppets tonight,

The show that has families all around the world saying...

[all] I don't get it.

I do. See,

They're making fun of all of you

And, uh...

Never mind.

Anyhoo, we're all very excited tonight

Because our guest star is mr. John goodman!

[cheering and applause]

Yeah! But to start the show off,

Here's the veterinarian of carrion-

Our very own dr. Phil van neuter!

It's time now for an extrascary edition of...

Tails from the vet.

Hey! Ohhh...You!

Scared you, didn't I?

Yes, always!

I am dr. Phil van neuter, your...

Friendly veterinarian. [snort snort]

[hiss] oh!

Get away!

Welcome to a special edition of...

Tails from the vet!

[thunder]

Oh! Oh, what is that?

Every week, mulch and I receive

Thousands and thousands of letters.

Mulch, mulch, the fan mail!

Oh, there you are.

Uh...Uh...

Come on, hurry up.

 two letters? That's it?

Arrahh arr arrhh.

What do you mean, the rest were for you? You can't even read!

Aww...

Waahhh...

Anyway, anyway...

One of these letters intrigued me.

And I quote...

"Dear dr. Phil,

Dialogue: 0,0:03:33.71,0:03:36.21,default,,0,0,0,,{\an1\pos(67,	we hear you are married to mulch's sister,"

"The enchanting and bewitching composta heap.

Dialogue: 0,0:03:39.21,0:03:40.72,default,,0,0,0,,{\an1\pos(67,	how did you meet?"

"And can you please tell us in a song,

Dialogue: 0,0:03:43.22,0:03:44.72,default,,0,0,0,,{\an1\pos(99,	preferably one by thomas dolby?"

Well...

If memory serves,

I believe it went

Something like this...

I was a young man studying taxidermy

At stufts university--

Good ol' stufts u--

When I met the beautiful composta.

Ahhh...

[music plays]

♪ it's poetry in motion ♪

Mm-hmm.

♪ she turned her tender eyes to me ♪

♪ as deep as any ocean ♪

Ahhh...

 ♪ as sweet as any harmony ♪

Mm-hmm.

♪ she blinded me with science ♪

Oh, m specimen. Ow!

♪ she blinded me with science ♪

♪ and she failed me in biology ♪

Ohh, ohh, ooh.

Ooh!

Ow! Oh! Oh, my glasses!

Oh! Oh! Oh, yes...

♪ when I'm dancing close to her ♪

♪ blinded me with science, science ♪

Oh, very good.

Science! Aah!

Ooh, ooh!

♪ I can smell the chemicals ♪

♪ blinded me with science, science ♪

Come here, sweetie pie! Science!

Come here, composta! Aah!

Science!

Uh! Uh! Uh! Come here, come here!

Uh...

Science!

Ha ha! Ooh!

Mmm!

Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm!

I love a happy ending.

Me, too. What's on now?

Nothing.

Nothing? That's nice.

Nothing! That's--that's--cue!

North africa, 1943.

General montgomery's desert rats are trapped

Behind enemy lines.

What follows is the true story

Of the rats patrol.

Don't look good, fellas.

The enemy cheese has us surrounded.

Rats!

[all] yes, sir!

No, no, no. I meant...Shoot!

No, no, no! Darn! And if any of you clowns

Pulls out a pair of socks, I'll slug ya.

Did someone say "Slug"?

Get outta here.

Hey, sarge, enemy cheese approaching.

Don't shoot! Don't shoot!

I am swiss. We are neutral!

I'm going trench to trench

Selling army knives and bank accounts.

You guys want anything?

Get out of here before I put a few more holes in you,

Fondue face.

Aah! Aah!

Don't push me with that. Oops!

I can't wait to get out of here. Hey, indiana.

Yeah. What's up, sarge?

What are you gonna do when you get outta here?

I know exactly what I'm gonna do.

I'm going to cook my girlfriend jill,

And then I'm going to marry me a nice juicy steak.

Guess you never did visit that platoon psychiatrist I recommended.

Yes, I did. He was delicious.

Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha!

All right, let's just take it easy, real easy,

And I'll get you guys out of here in one piece.

[rizzo] incoming! Wahh!

Whoa!

[coughing]

[coughing]

Everybody o.K.?

Take a look at indiana.

No!

Sarge, you told me

You'd get me home in one piece.

Boy, I was way off on that one, huh?

But don't worry.

I'll get a message to that girl of yours jill.

Oh, forget jill. Get a message to that steak!

Tell her I... I couldn't think of a steak joke.

That's it, fellas. We're going over the top

To cream that cheese!

For indiana?

No! For that steak!

I'm starved! Starved, I tells ya!

Whoo-hoo!

Charge!

Charge!

Nice work, rats.

O.K., repo camera three for incredible discoveries.

Come on!

It was great working with you guys.

You guys are great. I thought the cheese was a little off,

But you guys keep in touch.

Mr. Goodman, it's us.

We're here to help you

And be your slaves. Yeah!

No, thanks, fellas. I'm beat.

I just want to go back to my dressing room

And do one thing-- relax.

Ooh! Ooh!

Good! Then we can bathe you in precis oils.

Yeah! We have 40-weight and corn!

O.K., I'll play along.

If you guys want to help me,

Why don't you... Press my suit?

Oh! O.K.! Oh!

Press, press.

Press. Press, press.

Press, press. Yeah! Press, press.

Press, press--

Stop it!

But you need our help.

Yes. You keep forgetting things... Like this.

Oh, no, you idiot! That's a live grenade!

A what?

A live grenade!

Thank you, guys!

[coughs]

I'm, uh...

Not relaxing.

And now it's time for gonzo and rizzo's...

Incredible discoveries!

Ha ha!

Hey, welcome to the show.

I'm your host-- the great gonzo--

And this is my assistant...

The reluctant rizzo.

All set, rizzo?

I'm not sure what we're doing.

Great! Tonight's first incredible discovery is,

If you put your nose

Into an electric pencil sharpener...

Uh-huh...

Steady, steady, steady. Steady there.

It hurts. Ohh!

How's that for an incredible discovery?

But if you want to see a really incredible discovery--

I'm not sure that I do.

Then watch this. If you put live electric eels

Down your pants...

It hurts?

No. Actually, it feels pretty good.

Yeah, until they short out your pocket change.

Hoo hoo! Then it hurts!

Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah!

Whoop!

Well, another incredible discovery.

Ha ha ha ha ha!

Yeah. Ha ha ha. And now for our final incredible discovery.

If you try to play catch with a wrecking ball--

Ohh!

[crash]

It hurts. Ha ha ha!

Oh!

I've got

An incredible discovery.

What's that?

When you watch this show,

It hurts! It hurts!

Ha ha! Ha ha!

This scalp massage feels great.

You guys are really helping me relax.

Maybe I misjudged you guys.

We're sorry about blowing you up

And driving your head into the main power lines.

Oh! Oh. That's o.K.

It actually helped me clear my sinuses.

That feels great. What kind of massage oil are you using?

I'm not using oil. It's glue.

Glue?

Well, yeah. That way,

You never have to style your hair again.

Ohh!

[knock on door]

What?

I have your suit.

Leave it outside, please.

I can't. They don't allow smoking in the hall.

Oh!

Not my suit!

Yes, it is your suit.

Oh, just get out!

Please! I need to relax!

I need some air!

We'll get you some air.

Yeah, we can do that.

Um...Um, uh...

Uh, hey!

Oh...Hey!

Randy, we are trapped!

We cannot get out of here!

Ohh! Ohh! John!

John, we can't find the get-out thingy!

It's called a door.

What? Hmm?

A door! And it's right there!

Oh! You saved our lives again!

Ohhhh! Thank you!

Get out!

I don't want you as my slaves anymore!

Yo, yo, yo, john, what's going on?

Clifford, you promised me this would be relaxing.

I'm not relaxing!

You promised me this would be fun. I'm not having fun.

And--

And I'm stuck.

[rip]

[crying]

Welcome back to muppets tonight.

John goodman's having a really bad hair day right now

And can't come out. So we're going to fill some time

With a little blast from the past.

The year was 1969,

And everyone was loony over the moon landing.

That's why we did a little tv pilot

With a young john goodman called the lunarmooners.

Let's watch, shall we?

Alison...

I'm home.

Alf, shut the airlock.

The atmosphere isn't free up here anymore.

Don't you start with me, alison.

I had a tough day on the moon bus.

The artificial gravity kept breaking down.

Here I thought you were big enough

To have your own gravitational pull.

One of these days, alison,

Bang, zoom! Right to the earth!

That would be my first trip

Since our honeymoon.

Har-dee-har-har!

If you don't mind, all I want to do

Is take off these moon boots

And soak my aching asteroids.

Fine! Fine! I have to go change.

I'm going shopping

With dixie and mrs. Moonicotti.

Door.

Urrgghh!

Newton! Newton, get down here right now!

Sure thing, alfie. Aah!

Ohh! Aah!

What are you trying to do, newton,

Give me a heart attack?

Take it easy, alfie boy.

I just came down

To give you the tickets you wanted

To the space cadets ball.

Aw, that's great, newton.

You're the best pal a guy ever had.

Alison's gonna be so surprised.

I got them right here in my vest.

Right here a-rooni. A-root a-doot doot--

Just give me the tickets!

Here.

Alf, is that newton?

Why, no, dear. It's the, uh-- hummina hummina--

Delivery boy! That's it.

Right, alison. I am not newton.

I'm only a delivery guy.

Newton! Will you get out of here before she sees you?!

Tip, please.

Get out!

Out! Out! Aah!

Get out!

Alf, alf, could you help zip me up?

Shouldn't you be getting into your ball gown, my dear?

After all, tonight we will be dancing

On the sea of tranquillity.

Ohhh...Oh!

Tickets to the space cadets ball?

Oh, alf, you charmer!

Baby...

You're the greatest.

[snort snort]

Mmm!

Hey, alf! Alfie boy!

I just remembered-- I can't breathe!

There's no air out here!

Allllff...

Well, there you go.

There's nothing like good comedy.

Nothing like it on this show.

Ho ho ho! Ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha! Boy, this plan is brilliant.

How'd I ever do so bad on my sats?

Help! Help! Where are my slaves when I need them?

Mr. Goodman, we're coming in the room-entering thingy.

Yes. We made falafel.

Help, boys, help! I was, uh, cleaning my watch

When I slipped out the window.

Oh, pull me back in and save me.

Then we'll be even. You won't have to help me anymore.

Ohh! Ohh!

Oh, no! Our master's in trouble!

Let's throw him a life preserver.

Oh! How about this thing

That makes our hands smoke and blister?

No, you idiots! Not the radiator!

Aaaahhhh!

Hey. Where's john?

Oh, please tell me he's relaxing.

Uh, he is, clifford.

He's relaxing in a truckload of mousetraps.

[traps snapping]

[john] ow! Ow! Oh! Ow!

And one bear trap.

[snap] [john] ow!

Clifford!

Number one.

Hey there, nigel. How's it going?

Well, john goodman just fell out the window,

Clifford's trying to get a bear trap off his head,

The producer's gone, and nobody's onstage to introduce johnny fiamma!

Gee. Sounds like a slow night.

I'll go out and introduce johnny.

Good, good! Go, go, go!

Line up, camera two. Standard opening at the archway.

Can somebody get me a chamomile tea?

[applause]

Thank you very much.

Muppets tonight is proud to present

The oh-so-smooth stylings of mr. Johnny fiamma!

Yay!

Thank you. Uh, you know, friends,

With this being the year of the chick,

In my mind, every day is valentine's day.

And tonight we'd like to do something special

Just for you.

Well, now, what do you know?

A table for two.

How romantic.

Yes. Uh, waiter.

Waiter!

Sal!

Oh, oh, oh!

Yeah, johnny?

Oh!

I mean, uh, customer?

Thank you. Uh, would you be so kind

As to choose a beautiful young lady from our audience

To share a romantical, intimate dinner with me?

I would be honored, waiter--I mean, johnny. I mean--

All right, go.

Uh-huh.

Uh...Uh...

Come up onstage. I'd really rath

You'll have fun!

I don't even like his music.

Che bella!

And what is your name, sweetheart?

Clarissa.

May we seat you?

No. Yes. I--

Come right over here.

Here's your chair waiting right here.

Isn't this a beautiful place?

There you go.

Waiter. Waiter.

Sal! Sal!

Yes, yes.

The menu.

That's right.

Here.

Ah! Veal,

The meat of love.

How romantic.

Uh, we'll both have that.

O.K. Ray.

[piano plays close to you]

This is for you.

♪ why do birds ♪

I don't eat veal!

♪ suddenly-- ♪

Excuse me?

I don't approve of the way they raise it.

What are you talking about, "Raise"?

Ahh, she's just on the same kick my sister is.

You're going to sit right here,

And you're going to eat that veal.

♪ close to you ♪

♪ and that is why ♪

♪ all the cats in-- ♪

I'm not going to eat veal,

And no monkey's going to make me!

♪ follow-- ♪

Oh, nice work, sal.

Uh...Hey, johnny, you know what?

We don't need her. Look. Look.

How about I sit here and eat this veal,

And you sing to me?

All right.

♪ wahhh ♪

♪ da-dee da-dum ♪

♪eah, close to you ♪

Rizzo, get another act on, pronto.

I'm going to go check on john goodman

In the infirmary.

O.K. Who's got a suggestion what we can put onstage here?

Oh, uh, rizzo, rizzo.

I have this amazing memory act that I do.

Really? I didn't know you did that.

Oh, sure. I did it on that show, um...

Oh, wait. What's it called?

Yeah, you know, with the guy

With the green, uh, what-do-you-call-it?

You know what? Let's cue carl the big, mean bagpipe eater.

[applause]

Hi, I'm carl,

And now I'll eat these bagpipes.

Rowll!

[gulp]

[burp]

[bagpipes detune]

Thank you!

Ah, mr. Goodman.

You'll be right as rain

As long as you get some rest

And don't think about those two stupid you-know-whats.

You mean us? You mean us?

Ohh! Ohh!

Aaaahhhh!

Aaaahhhh!

Aah!

John, john, wake up, man.

You're having a bad dream.

Oh, man. It was horrible, clifford.

I dreamt I was doing the show,

And I wound up in traction.

As a matter of fact, you weren't dreaming.

You are in traction.

I'm going out and cancel your big number.

No. No, wait, clifford.

I know I'm not 100%,

But I think I can still do the number.

Yeah? And how you gonna do that?

Like this.

[piano plays]

♪ seems I've got to have a ♪

♪ change of scene ♪

♪ every night I have the ♪

♪ strangest dreams ♪

♪ imprisoned by the way it ♪

♪ could have been ♪

♪ left here on my own, or ♪

♪ so it seems ♪

♪ feelin' all right ♪

♪ ohh-ho ♪

I'm not feelin' too good myself ♪

♪ no, no ♪

Wow!

♪ you feelin' all right? ♪

♪ no, no ♪

♪ I'm not feelin' too good myself ♪

♪ no, no ♪

♪ well, boy, you sure took me for ♪

♪ one big ride ♪

♪ and even now I still ♪

♪ wonder why ♪

♪ ah, ooh ♪

♪ and when I think of you ♪

♪ I start myself to cry ♪

♪ boo hoo ♪

♪ I just can't waste my time ♪

♪ must keep dry ♪

♪ gotta stop believin' in ♪

♪ all your lies ♪

♪ 'cause I got too much to do here ♪

♪ 'fore I die ♪

♪ feelin' all right ♪

♪ right ♪

♪ oh, no ♪

♪ yeah, I'm feelin' good myself ♪

Oh, no ♪

Yeah!

♪ yeah ♪

♪ feelin' all right♪

Yeah! Let's give a big round of applause

To our guest star, mr. John goodman!

Clifford, thanks very much, and all things considered,

This is one of the worst experiences

I have ever had.

 that's what all our guest stars say.

At least you're consistent. Good night, everybody.

Good night!

Hit it!

♪ well, feelin' all right ♪

Hey, mr. Goodman. Welcome to the show.

John. John.

Yeah, it's great

To be back on roseanne.

Those muppets drove me crazy.

Would someone get me a coffee, please?!

We'll get it for you, master.

Yeah. We work on this show now.

Mm-hmm.

Aaahhh!

Aaaahhh! Aah! Aah!

Aah! Aaahhh!

Captioning made possible by the u.S. Department of education

Captioning performed by the national captioning institute, inc.

Public performance of captions prohibited without permission of national captioning institute