Episode 108: Paul Williams/transcript

It's The Muppet Show, with our

special guest star, Mr, PauI Williams!

It's time to play the music

It's time to light the lights

It's time to meet the muppets

on The Muppet Show tonight

It's time to put on makeup

It's time to dress up right

It's time to raise the curtain

on The Muppet Show tonight

New York is so crowded, even the

cemeteries have standing room only,

To introduce our guest star

That's what I'm here to do

So it really makes me happy

To introduce to you

Mr, PauI Williams!

But now let's get things started

on the most sensationaI, inspirationaI

CelebrationaI, MuppetationaI

This is what we call The Muppet Show

Thank you, thank you, thank

you, Hi-ho, good friends,

Hey, we got a great

show for you tonight,

Our special guest

is Mr, PauI Williams,

singer, composer, actor

and all-around good guy,

and we're not gonna do

any jokes about his size,

But he's such a cute little fella,

we're gonna make him an honorary Muppet,

Hark! I hear the cannons roar

No, hark, the cannons r

Ugh

- Hi, Fozz, What's wrong?

You look worried,

- It's my new act, I hope it works,

Oh, come on, you're the greatest!

- Yeah?

Yeah, you're always good,

Besides, you're on soon,

Now is no time to panic,

Oh, well, see, I got ten minutes

of jokes here on the war of 1 81 2,

Now is the time to panic,

Listen, if you're really in trouble, why

don't you just use the old telephone pole bit?

- "The old telephone pole bit?"

- Oh, yeah, it's the best,

I don't know it,

- It's a classic!

It's a classic?

- Yeah!

Terrific, I can use

it, Tell me, what is it?

The curtains open

- The curtains open,

The audience is there

- The audience is there!

There we are together, on stage

- There we are together Hold it!

- "We?"

- Well, yes,

No, you don't understand,

You see, I am a stand-up bear,

Uh-huh, -

Yeah, yeah, See

I I work alone, I tell

the jokes on stage, alone,

Ha-ha, no, you don't tell

jokes in the telephone pole bit,

Why not?

- Well, you're the telephone pole,

Cute, Cute idea,

We'll see,

OK, right now, friends,

it is my great pleasure

to introduce one of the most

talented people in our business -

and it's a reaI treat to have him with us on The Muppet Show

- Mr, PauI Williams,

Just an old-fashioned love song

Playin' on the radio

And wrapped around the music

Is the sound of someone promising

They'll never go

You'll swear you've heard it before

As it slowly rambles on and on

No need in bringin' 'em back

'Cause they've never really gone

That's just an

old-fashioned love song

Comin' down in two-part harmony

That's just an

old-fashioned love song

One I'm sure they

wrote for you and me

To weave our dreams upon

Listen to each evenin'

When the lights are low

To underscore our love affair

With tenderness and feeling

That we've come to know

You'll swear you've heard it before

As it slowly rambles on and on

No need in bringin' 'em back

'Cause they've never really gone

That's just an

old-fashioned love song

Comin' down in three-part harmony

That's just an

old-fashioned love song

One I'm sure they

wrote for you and me

Two, three, four

That's just an

old-fashioned love song

Comin' down in three-part harmony

That's just an

old-fashioned love song

One I'm sure they

wrote for you and me

That's just an

old-fashioned love song

Comin' down in three-part harmony

That's just an

old-fashioned love song

One I'm sure they

wrote for you and me

Bravo! Bravo!

- Encore! Encore!

Heh heh! He's a credit to his race,

- What race is that?

The 1 00-yard dash,

Welcome to Muppet Labs, where

the future is being made today,

Folks, let me take just

one moment of your time

to acquaint you with a

fascinating new product,

It's Muppets AII-Purpose Tenderizer,

Now, you can use it

on all sorts of dishes,

For example, dishes

like this one here,

Whoo, that's one of the problems with

dishes, isn't it? They do tend to break,

But if you had used AII-Purpose

Tenderizer in such fashion as this

your dish would have

been as tender as this,

Oh, it sets me all aquiver!

Well, it's lovely,

And what it does for dishes it

can do for utensils too, Watch,

It only takes a second,

So there it is, Muppets

AII-Purpose Tenderizer,

It's new from Muppet Labs,

Oh, goodness,

OK, who's the smarty-pants

who tenderized the table?

I mean it!

Science, huh? They can

put a man on the moon,

Huh, Yeah, but they

can't put a moon on a man!

"Silence," A poem by Rowlf,

That's me,

"Silence,"

"Hear the nothingness,"

"Listen to the quietness

Of everlasting space,"

"Down the winding velvet

corridors of time it sweeps,

And sweeps and sw "

"And sweeps away the sound of

creatures crying in the night "

creatures crying in the

night "And cry we must,"

"For we have tasted

the forbidden fruit,"

"But lo, lo, the

faceless names, name "

" faceless names, nameless faces

Whisper of our woes,"

"But over all over all

The blessed silence falls,"

"Sweet serpentines of silence

Singing their sad song,"

"Out of the silence and dark

We build the music, silent music,"

"And the endless

emptiness of emptiness

Drumming in our ears "

Will you all get outta here!

"But in in the end

All is silence,"

"Quiet, silent ways,"

"All still,"

Could you hold it down, Rowlf?

We're trying to do a show here,

You know, when they asked me

to do the show, I was delighted,

This is a great show to do,

I have a special reason for

being very excited, You see

Except for me, the

entire cast is Muppets,

Muppets are little, tiny things,

For the first time in my life, no one

will make jokes about how short I am,

For the first time in my life, I

am the tallest person on the show,

For the first time in my life, I will

cry in front of 30 million people,

I am a telephone pole,

Hmmm

Fozzie, what are you doing?

- It's my new act with Scooter,

I'm practicing to be a telephone pole,

Hmmm

That's ridiculous, You don't

look like a telephone pole,

No one would believe you

were a telephone pole,

I am a lineman for the county

On the other hand, what do

I know about telephone poles?

Huh, I'll be darned,

You say that's your boy? How

could you have a son that age?

I didn't, When I had

him, he was just a baby,

Oh, how do I love thee?

Let me count the ways,

You are more beautifuI

than the summer days,

You know, there's a lot

of ham in you,

That man is annoying me,

He isn't even looking at you,

That's what's annoying me,

I can't understand it! I

just can't seem to hold on to a job!

My last one only

lasted for ten minutes!

Yeah? What were you doing?

- I was a librarian!

Hey, you wanna take a trip?

Sure, I'd love to,

OK, hang on

Waaargh!

- Aah!

Gwamp-gwamp-gwamp-gwamp

Gribbit-gribbit-gribbit

Gwamp-gwamp-gwamp-gwamp

Gribbit-gribbit-gribbit

I'm in love with a big blue frog

A big blue frog loves me

It's not as bad as it appears

He wears glasses

and he's six foot three

Gwamp-gwamp-gwamp-gwamp

Gribbit-gribbit-gribbit

- # Gwamp-gwamp-gwamp-gwamp

- # Gribbit-gribbit-gribbit

Well, I'm not worried about our kids

I know they'll turn out neat

They'll be great-lookin'

'cause they'll have my face

Great swimmers 'cause

they'll have his feet

Gwamp-gwamp-gwamp-gwamp

Gribbit-gribbit-gribbit

- # Gwamp-gwamp-gwamp-gwamp

- # Gribbit-gribbit-gribbit

Well, I know we can make things work

He's got good family sense

His mother was a

frog in Philadelphia

His daddy an enchanted prince

Gwamp-gwamp

- # Gwamp-gwamp -


 * 1) Gribbit-gribbit

- # Gwamp-gwamp -


 * 1) Gribbit-gribbit

- # Gwamp-gwamp -


 * 1) Gribbit-gribbit

- # Gwamp-gwamp -


 * 1) Gribbit-gribbit

- # Gwamp-gwamp -


 * 1) Gribbit-gribbit

Gwamp-gwamp-gwamp-gwamp

Gribbit-gribbit-gribbit

Gwamp-gwamp-gwamp-gwamp

Gribbit-gribbit-gribbit

- # Gwamp-gwamp-gwamp-gwamp

- # Gribbit-gribbit-gribbit

The neighbors are against

it and it's clear to me

And it's probably clear to you

They think values on their

property will go right down

If the family next door is blue

Gwamp-gwamp-gwamp-gwamp

Gribbit-gribbit-gribbit

- # Gwamp-gwamp-gwamp-gwamp

- # Gribbit-gribbit-gribbit

Well, I'm in love

with a big blue frog

A big blue frog loves me

But it's better than

the beau I had last year

When I loved a little bumble bee

Oh yeah

Loved a bumble bee

Gwamp

Gwamp

Gribbit-gribbit

Gwamp-gwamp-gwamp-gwamp

Gribbit-gribbit-gribbit,

Gwamp-gwamp-gwamp-gwamp

Gribbit-gribbit-gribbit,

Well, PauI, listen, Listen, PauI,

I just want to say what a reaI

thrill it is to have you on the show,

That's very kind of

you, Kermit, thank you,

And you know what? You're not gonna hear

any jokes about your being little-bitty

and small and cute and all that

sort of thing, like you are,

You're not gonna hear

that coming from me,

You promise?

- No,

Us little guys gotta stick together,

- Oh, yeah, Listen

And besides that, there have been a lot

of famous people who were small in size,

That's true,

- Sure, like Napoleon,

Uh Truman Capote?

- Uh Mickey Rooney,

Tom Thumb,

Not to mention the

legendary Wally Blatner,

Wally Blatner, a famous

Who is Wally Blatner?

Well, he invented the elevator shoe,

The elevator really? Lifts, right?

- Right, right,

Whatever happened to old Wally?

Well, one day somebody pressed his

down button and he was never seen again,

Down button? Oh, I

get it, you mean he?

That's terrible,

- Yeah, if you think that was terrible,

what about the 1 2 people

who were riding with him?

That's a ludicrous story,

I mean, even told by a

frog, that's ridiculous,

Really? Hey, do you wear lifts?

Sometimes, yeah,

- Oh, yeah?

Going up!

Now PauI is someone

everybody can look up to,

I am a telephone pole,

I am made of solid wood,

I am a telephone pole,

I am made of solid wood,

I am too talented for my own good,

Will you please?

Yes, ma'am, you're confirmed, Two

tickets to New York City, Thank you,

Hello,

- Hello,

I want to go to Pittsburgh,

I can send you to Pittsburgh first

class on a supersonic jet for $ 7 64,

You got anything cheaper?

I can send you to Pittsburgh coach

class on a subsonic jet for 51 1,

You got anything cheaper?

I can send you to Pittsburgh excursion

economy in an old prop job for about 398,

You got anything cheaper?

Yeah, I could send you to

Pittsburgh standing-room only

on a broken-down old

bus for about 75 bucks,

You got anything cheaper?

Yeah, I think I can work

something out for you, paI,

Hey, Charlie, you wanna

maiI this to Pittsburgh?

My mother is very religious,

She's a fanatic?

- No, she's a church,

And here they are

now, my kind of people,

Wayne and Wanda!

You do

Something to me

Oww! Ow!

Here's a Muppet news flash,

Arnold Stockman, a retired shoe salesman,

recently had a most unusuaI experience

and we at Muppet News centraI feeI it is a

story that should be shared with everyone,

Here in his own words is Mr, Stockman

to tell you of this bizarre event,

Well, it was about a week ago and I

was sitting at home watching television.

It must have been about

nine o'clock. - Mm-hm?

Suddenly the phone rang.

Well, I picked it up, but

there wasn't anybody there.

So I hung up, and then I went

back to watching the television.

Darnedest thing.

Whenever unusuaI events occur,

you'll hear it first on Muppet News,

Boy, my uncle will be

really interested in this,

That's private business here, Scooter,

- Sorry,

And, by the way, you guys are really

gonna do the old telephone pole bit?

That's right, chief,

Lots of luck,

Scooter, I won't do it,

- What?

I just found out what the telephone

pole bit is and I will not do it!

Oh, come on Fozzie, come on, we're

on now, Besides, we'll be terrific!

Scooter, we will not be terrific,

We will die out there, Die!

Of course we're not gonna die, What

makes you think we're gonna die?

Just a hunch,

Folks, we got a little something different

for you tonight in the old comedy spot,

Our own Fozzie Bear is being

joined by our gofer Scooter,

and here they are doing that classic

comedy sketch, the telephone pole bit!

Hello, and what's your name?

Mike Oznowiczsky,

Oh, so you're the telephone Pole!

Huh, Good old Fozzie,

He's never been better,

Or shorter,

- Same difference,

That's a sad song

That used to be our song

The one you just played

I wonder if I'd stayed

What we'd be doin' now

Yeah, but part of bein' people

Is an ever-changing mind

We don't mean to be unkind

We just grow

That's a sad song

That used to be our song

And oh, she sang it too

And every word rang true

Like a bell somehow

When I ran off chasing visions

My emotions made me blind

Like a fooI I left behind

An angeI's glow

So play it one more time

That sympathy in rhyme

Let those old familiar feelings

Start to show

Come and sing my favorite phrase

Oh, from those good old days

Let those tears and

sweet memories flow

Play it one more time

Whoa, sympathy in rhyme

And old familiar feelings

Start to show

Let 'em show

Come and sing my favorite phrase

From those good old days

Let those tears and

sweet memories flow

Let those tears and

sweet memories flow

Well, that's about the

end of the show, folks,

We'd like to thank our special

guest star, Mr, PauI Williams!

Thank you, thank you, I've loved

every minute of it, little guy,

Except, of course, for

the parts that I hated,

I'm sorry about that, PauI,

But we'll see you all next

time on The Muppet Show!

This show is good for what ails me,

- Yeah? Well, what ails you?

Insomnia,