Episode 211: Dom DeLuise/transcript

00:00:08 [Knocking]

00:00:09 Dom DeLuise! Dom DeLuise!

00:00:12 Eighteen seconds to curtain, Mr. DeLuise.

00:00:17 [Speaking mock Swedish]

00:00:19 [Muffled]

00:00:22 [Drumroll]

00:00:24 It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star Mr. Dom DeLuise!

00:00:28 [Applause]

00:00:42 # Lt's time to play the music Lt's time to light the light

00:00:46 # Lt's time to meet the Muppets on The Muppet Show tonight

00:00:50 # Lt's time to put on makeup Lt's time to dress up right

00:00:55 # Lt's time to get things started

00:00:57 Why do we keep doing this?

00:00:59 # Lt's time to get things started on the most sensational

00:01:02 # Lnspirational, celebrational

00:01:04 # Muppetational

00:01:05 # This is what we call The Muppet Show #

00:01:12 [trumpet blasts]

00:01:18 OK. Thank you, thank you, thank you,

00:01:20 and welcome to The Muppet Show.

00:01:22 Tonight should be great because our special guest star

00:01:25 is one of the really funny men, Mr. Dom DeLuise!

00:01:29 [Applause]

00:01:30 But first, we're going to open the show with our own lady of song,

00:01:33 Miss Piggy,

00:01:35 because if we don't she'll break both my arms.

00:01:38 So here she is now, Miss Piggy!

00:01:41 [# Don't Dilly Dally (My Old Man)]

00:01:51 It's a great old song.

00:02:08 [Chuckles]

00:02:49 All right, everybody, now's your chance.

00:02:52 Join in the second chorus, I'm only singing one!

00:02:55 Promises, promises!

00:03:37 - [Applause and whistling] - [Cheering]

00:03:45 - Miss Piggy! - Bravo! Bravo!

00:03:49 Boy, they really love her, don't they?

00:03:51 Yeah. Must be an easy house.

00:03:56 Oh, no, please. Oh, you're too kind.

00:04:00 Kissy, kissy.

00:04:02 Forget it. Kermit's gone.

00:04:03 - Oh. Did it work? - Nope.

00:04:05 But how about that audience I paid off for you, huh?

00:04:09 - They did just what I told them to. - What did you tell them?

00:04:12 To go hog wild.

00:04:14 Scooter, I am paying you to give me help, not cheap jokes.

00:04:19 [Coughs] Well, I already ordered the flowers.

00:04:22 Wonderful.

00:04:24 Scooter, oh, Scooter, my dear impressionable young lad.

00:04:29 You must understand

00:04:30 that I am only doing this in order for the frog to notice me more.

00:04:36 Sure, sure, and if you happen to get your own spot on the show,

00:04:39 well, that wouldn't hurt.

00:04:40 Your life's hanging on a thread, kid.

00:04:43 Yes, ma'am. I'll go write some more spontaneous sincere fan mail for you.

00:04:47 Mm-hmm. You know the words: Gorgeous, beautiful... modest.

00:04:55 OK, tonight's guest star is Dom DeLuise

00:04:58 and we all know how terrific he is.

00:05:00 As a performer he is out of this world.

00:05:02 As a matter of fact, right now he's on the planet Koozebane.

00:05:06 Ladies and gentlemen, Dom DeLuise!

00:05:08 [Applause]

00:05:15 [Alien mumble]

00:05:17 [Whistle]

00:05:19 [Alien mumble]

00:05:21 [Whistle]

00:05:24 [Alien mumble]

00:05:28 [Alien mumble]

00:05:30 [Whistle]

00:05:33 [Alien mumble]

00:05:42 Ah! Can you see me? Here I am.

00:05:44 Yes. The one that's waving.

00:05:47 That's nice. Yes. It is so gorgeous up here.

00:05:50 Pluto... Saturn, I mean, it is gorgeous.

00:05:53 Hold it. Hold it. I see some coucrous. Hold on.

00:05:56 Oh, Jane, keep that soup warm for me, sweetheart.

00:06:00 Oh, it's a beauty! This is a beauty.

00:06:03 Oh. Oh! Oh!

00:06:07 I think I found a beauty.

00:06:09 Oh no, it's an immi. Never mind.

00:06:13 Holy Toledo! Something's afoot!

00:06:18 Oh! Holy mac... Wait a minute! Hey, that's my hammer!

00:06:23 Hey! Ooh, sheesh!

00:06:26 [Groaning, grunting]

00:06:31 - Hey. - [Aliens mumbling]

00:06:36 That's not me.

00:06:43 [Clears throat]

00:06:46 [Chuckles] I got you, you devil you.

00:06:49 I fooled you, didn't I?

00:06:51 Don't! That's a new one.

00:06:54 You... Oh!

00:06:55 Hello, mother ship. Hello?

00:06:58 Ooh. I think I'll go back to the mother ship now.

00:07:05 - [Clicking] - [Aliens mumbling]

00:07:10 - [Aliens mumbling] - [Whistling]

00:07:20 Ah! I got ya!

00:07:22 Gimme! Come on! Gimme! Wait a minute. Hold it.

00:07:26 Ooh!

00:07:31 - My watch! - Quarter after six.

00:07:33 [Groaning] That's it.

00:07:39 Ooh!

00:07:42 That's it.

00:07:49 [Aliens laughing]

00:08:00 [Grunting]

00:08:02 - [Clicking, whistling] - [Alien mumble]

00:08:08 [Mumbles]

00:08:11 [All laughing]

00:08:17 Do you suppose they have any life on other planets?

00:08:20 What do you care? You don't have any life on this one.

00:08:25 - [Drums playing] - [Grunting]

00:08:35 [Grunting faster]

00:08:47 [Laughing]

00:08:51 [Drumbeat]

00:08:56 - Excuse me. - Yeah?

00:08:58 May I use your dressing room to change in?

00:09:00 - What? - My room is all filled with flowers.

00:09:05 You understand, don't you, my dear Dominique?

00:09:08 Don't "My dear Dominique" me.

00:09:10 Oh, what's wrong?

00:09:13 I mean, I'm the guest star on this show.

00:09:15 Nobody seems to notice. The audience is filled with pig fans.

00:09:20 [Miss Piggy strains]

00:09:23 Oh... Oh, what a relief.

00:09:27 Besides, they gave me this tiny dressing room

00:09:30 because they said the big dressing room was filled with fan mail.

00:09:33 - [Knocking] - Would you get the door, Dominique?

00:09:36 Would I get the door? I really do not believe this.

00:09:40 - Yes? - Are you Miss Piggy?

00:09:43 No, I'm not Miss Piggy!

00:09:46 - Are those my roses? - Yes. They were your roses.

00:09:50 Someone sent roses to a P-l-G.

00:09:53 - That amuses you? - [Laughs] Yes.

00:09:56 # The days of swine and roses...

00:10:01 Knock it off, chubbo.

00:10:05 - Chubbo? - Mm-hmm.

00:10:07 Look who's talking.

00:10:10 Are you saying that I am a little overweight?

00:10:14 Little? Did I say little? No. I didn't say little.

00:10:17 [Grunts]

00:10:18 You're jealous because I got all these flowers

00:10:22 and all you have is that little teensy basket of fruit.

00:10:24 Actually, the little, teensy basket of fruit is more suitable to you!

00:10:28 [Scoffs] And why is that?

00:10:30 I'll tell you why... [chuckles]

00:10:32 Because...

00:10:37 ...it looks more natural.

00:10:39 [Muffled grunting]

00:10:42 Excuse me, Miss Piggy, hospital sketch coming up.

00:10:46 Good. Here's your first patient.

00:10:49 - Hiyaa! Hiyaa! - [Grunting]

00:10:51 - Hiyaa! - Ooh!

00:10:54 Just a minute! Hold it! Hold it! Wait a minute! [grunting]

00:10:58 Are you...? She's out of her mind!

00:11:00 I've never seen anybody so crazy!

00:11:08 [Announcer] And now, Veterinarian's Hospital.

00:11:11 The continuing story of a quack who has gone to the dogs.

00:11:16 [Audience] We want Piggy! We want Piggy!

00:11:19 We want Piggy! We want Piggy!

00:11:22 [Cheering and whistling]

00:11:26 Oh, thank you. Thank you.

00:11:30 Thank you. Thank you.

00:11:33 - Oh, Dr. Bob... Dr. Bob? - What?

00:11:35 Where did we get this patient from?

00:11:37 Oh, well, she was found with a bunch of cows.

00:11:40 - Not bunch, herd. - Heard of what?

00:11:42 - Herd of cows. - Sure, I've heard of cows.

00:11:44 [Laughing]

00:11:46 - No, no, no, I mean, the cow's herd. - I don't care if the cow's heard.

00:11:50 I haven't said anything to be ashamed of.

00:11:54 But Dr. Bob, are you going to operate?

00:11:56 No, I think we've milked this joke long enough.

00:12:00 Oh, look. I have a stake in this too, you know.

00:12:03 [All laughing]

00:12:06 [Announcer] And so, Dr. Bob has taken the bull by the horns.

00:12:10 Tune in next time when you'll hear Miss Piggy say...

00:12:14 This has really been a moooving experience.

00:12:18 - [Clapping and cheering] - Oh, thank you, thank you.

00:12:22 Bless you. Thank you, thank you...

00:12:30 [# Henrietta's Wedding]

00:14:22 [Applause]

00:14:28 [Rock music playing]

00:14:33 # Lf you ain't been dancin' lately

00:14:36 # Don't blame your shoes

00:14:39 # And if you ain't been happy lately

00:14:42 # Don't put it on the blues

00:14:44 # Don't blame the dynamite

00:14:46 # Lf you can't light the fuse

00:14:48 # There's a party all the time for them what choose

00:14:54 # The end of my romancing came with football on TV

00:14:58 # Really

00:15:05 # Her hair is in the closet

00:15:07 # Her teeth are on the shelf

00:15:10 # L can put the good parts in a bag and go out by myself

00:15:36 # Lf you ain't been dancing lately

00:15:38 # Don't blame your shoes

00:15:41 # Lf you ain't been happy lately

00:15:43 # Don't put it on the blues

00:15:46 # Don't blame the dynamite if you can't light the fuse

00:15:50 # There's a party all the time for them what choose #

00:15:54 - Party! - All right!

00:16:05 - Don't tell me you liked that trash. - No, my hand went to sleep.

00:16:11 Oh, here... here he comes.

00:16:13 [Floyd] The tuba player says, "Never mind about that.

00:16:16 Just be natural and borrow a lemon."

00:16:19 OK, OK, OK.

00:16:21 Gee, Miss Piggy, what are you going to do?

00:16:25 Well, I just don't know, Scooter.

00:16:27 My loyalty is, of course, to Kermit.

00:16:30 But this other show has offered me a contract at twice the money.

00:16:35 Well, you are a superstar.

00:16:37 Oh! No, I'm not!

00:16:42 Yes, you are.

00:16:45 Yes, you are!

00:16:47 Well, I shall just have to think about it.

00:16:52 Scooter, that performance by you and Miss Piggy was terrible.

00:16:56 Gee, I didn't think it was that bad. I missed one line but...

00:17:00 Oh, no.

00:17:02 Scooter, are you gonna tell me what's going on?

00:17:04 No, I promised.

00:17:06 I'll give you a raise.

00:17:08 The flowers are fake, the audience was paid off,

00:17:10 I wrote the fan letters and Miss Piggy doesn't have another offer.

00:17:14 Scooter, I like your style.

00:17:18 Ah, hello, hello and welcome.

00:17:21 As you know, Shepherd's Institute of Animal Protection

00:17:24 has spent the last 25 years protecting helpless, innocent animals

00:17:28 just like the ones that you see right here.

00:17:31 And now, in the midst of our annual fundraising drive...

00:17:34 It's time for that drive again.

00:17:35 This lovely creature has to be fed occasionally,

00:17:38 Otherwise he gets very, very...

00:17:40 There you go. Have a nice little snack, boy.

00:17:45 All better. By the way, Shepherd's Institute

00:17:47 has only reached its halfway mark in this year's fundraising effort.

00:17:51 One moment, please.

00:17:54 Mama!

00:17:55 This sweetheart has to be played with, otherwise he gets very irritable.

00:17:58 [Babbling]

00:18:00 You sweetheart you. Good morning.

00:18:04 [Growling]

00:18:06 - A little milky, a little milky. - Milky!

00:18:08 It's good!

00:18:11 Good. OK.

00:18:13 As you can see, we care for all their needs.

00:18:16 - [Grunts] - If an animal has a need,

00:18:18 - we fill it. - [Grunts]

00:18:19 This sweetheart of a creature loves to be sung to occasionally,

00:18:23 otherwise he gets irritable.

00:18:25 - [Singing] - [Grunting]

00:18:28 Very nice, very nice.

00:18:30 All right. The point is, if you send in your donations, you'll be very happy.

00:18:34 [Grunting]

00:18:39 If you send in your donations, you'll be happy...

00:18:41 Here you go. [babbling]

00:18:44 - [Singing] - [Grunting]

00:18:47 The point is, that if you do so, these are all tax deductible...

00:18:51 [all grunting]

00:18:54 [Laughing] No! Wait! I'm ticklish!

00:18:56 [Singing]

00:19:00 All right, here you go, here you go. That's a beauty.

00:19:03 You see the point is, we love them with all our hearts. We do.

00:19:06 Just a moment now. Open wide!

00:19:12 [Babbling]

00:19:14 Wait a minute! Ooh! Holy mackerel!

00:19:17 Just... [sings]

00:19:19 Oh! There's nothing left to eat. Here. Have this.

00:19:23 Ooh! Ooh!

00:19:25 By the way, all of these creatures are up for adoption.

00:19:28 If you have a spare room in your house, give us a break.

00:19:31 Ooh! For instance, if you adopt this guy right here,

00:19:34 you will never know the meaning of the word garbage.

00:19:37 Just a minute. Hold it, hold it.

00:19:39 [Sings]

00:19:42 Oh! Wait a minute! Oh, please!

00:19:44 Whoa! My goodness!

00:19:49 Please, help! I mean, really, help! Help!

00:20:02 Kermie? Kermie, you wanted to see me?

00:20:05 Yes, Miss Piggy. I couldn't help but overhear

00:20:08 that conversation about that offer you got from the other show.

00:20:13 Oh, Kermie, I am so sorry! I didn't want you to hear that.

00:20:17 Oh, that terrible boy!

00:20:20 Yeah, well, actually, I'm kinda glad that I did.

00:20:23 Because I have come to a decision that I think will make you very happy.

00:20:27 Oh?

00:20:28 - I've decided to let you go. - You've what?

00:20:32 You see, Piggy, I don't want to stand in your way.

00:20:35 But... but, Kermie...

00:20:39 Good luck, kid.

00:20:45 Oh. Well, then I suppose this is goodbye.

00:20:50 Oh, yes. Goodbye, Piggy.

00:20:56 Well, I'll just go clean out my dressing room, then.

00:21:00 That would be very nice. Thank you.

00:21:07 [Sobbing]

00:21:09 You'll... You'll explain to everyone what happened, Kermie?

00:21:12 Oh, sure.

00:21:14 What a ham.

00:21:22 Kermie, I can't leave you! [Sobbing]

00:21:25 I can't leave you. I tried.

00:21:29 Well, does this mean you want your job back?

00:21:32 [Sobbing]

00:21:33 Oh, good. But incidentally, though...

00:21:37 ...you will have to take... you will have to take a pay cut.

00:21:41 What?

00:21:42 Well, sure, if you can afford to pay off the audience,

00:21:45 and buy all those flowers and furs, and the mail and stuff,

00:21:48 - then I think you can... - You knew all the time!

00:21:53 [Screaming]

00:21:56 OK, how come is it, do you suppose, that the world doesn't know

00:21:59 that Dom DeLuise is a singer as well as a comedian?

00:22:02 Well, let us let the world find out.

00:22:04 Ladies and gentlemen, here he is, Dom DeLuise!

00:22:09 Thank you. Thank you.

00:22:11 May I stop for one second? I'll tell you the truth.

00:22:13 Piggy's backstage, and she's very upset.

00:22:15 She's miserable, I'd like to bring her out for just...

00:22:19 Piggy, Piggy, come over here now.

00:22:22 [Cheers and applause]

00:22:27 Cool it, cool it! He knew.

00:22:31 Piggy, you're upset.

00:22:32 Things have not been going very well between you and Kermit, right?

00:22:35 - Dom, Dom, Dom. - Piggy. Piggy.

00:22:38 - A woman sometimes feels so alone. - Alone?

00:22:42 But you're not alone. Look at me.

00:22:44 You're here, I'm here, us is here.

00:22:49 Us is here?

00:22:51 I mean, we got us.

00:22:54 [Piano plays]

00:22:56 Don't you understand? Oh, I know.

00:22:58 [# We Got Us]

00:23:44 Look! It's your friends!

00:24:16 [Applause, whistling]

00:24:23 OK, well, that's it for another show.

00:24:25 Let's have a big thank you for our guest star, Mr. Dom DeLuise!

00:24:29 [Applause]

00:24:33 And thank you all for being with us,

00:24:35 especially those of you who weren't paid off by the pig.

00:24:38 Stand back, Dom. This is gonna be fractured frog time.

00:24:41 Don't do it, don't do it, don't do it!

00:24:44 We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!

00:24:46 [Overlapping shouting]

00:25:23 I wouldn't mind the show if they just got rid of one thing.

00:25:26 - What's that? - Me.