Episode 212: Johnny Fiama Leaves Home/transcript

Please, one more song, huh?

No, no, now, that's enough now.

If you want any more,

You're going to have to pay.

Aw, I'm kidding. Ha ha ha ha ha!

I'm just kidding you.

Now, I want all you mothers

To enjoy your day

Here at the studio watching your kids work.

All right, I got to run.

Bye-bye, now. Okay, all right.

Oh, boy,

You must be so proud of your son, mrs. Fiama.

Yes, yes.

But I wish he didn't leave his boxer shorts

All balled up in the kitchen.

Ha ha!

What is it with this now?

Hey, hey, Johnny, Johnny.

What?

I just met this girl

At the studio next door.

And we're going out tonight.

No kidding.

And get this.

She's got a sister.

No, no, Sal, forget it.

Oh!

No, I've been out on your monkey double-dates before.

They spend the entire evening

Trying to pick bugs out of my hair.

Come on, Johnny, just meet em.

No, abso-fa-lutely not.

Oh, here they come. They're right here.

John: no, I refuse. I told you, I'm not going.

Sal: Johnny, turn around.

Hi, Sal. Hi, Johnny.

I'm page hannah.

This is my sister Daryl.

Yeah.

Huh? Hamana, hamana, hamana.

Hi, Johnny. Nice to meet you.

My grandma Lotte has one of your albums.

Hamana, hamana, hamana, hamana.

I'm sorry,

What is he saying?

Oh, he's just saying, "Hannah, Hannah, Hannah, Hannah."

You know, like he don't forget your name.

Hamana, hamana, hamana, hamana.

No, no, hannah, hannah.

Less of the "M" sound, more of the "N."

Hannah.

Hey, Johnny, let's take them back to your place.

We have the place to ourselves

Since ma's here with her cronies all day.

[high-pitched] all right.

All right, ladies.L:

Page, shall we?

Thank you.

Johnny Fiama coming through!

Going on a date with the hannah sisters!

Haa ha ha ha ha.

It's ok.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha.

[gasps]

Bruta bestia!

♪ if you're a human being ♪

♪ take a break from the re ♪

♪ take a lo off your feet ♪

♪ wipe the load off your face ♪

♪ got a lot to do ♪

♪ and we do it for you ♪

♪ everybody take your place ♪

♪ muppets tonight ♪

♪ you're gonna see something better ♪

♪ tonight's the night ♪

♪ you're gonna live with the memories ♪

♪ we got a show for you ♪

♪ guaranteed brand-new ♪

♪ here come the muppets tonight ♪

Yeah.

[whistli]

♪ we got a show for you ♪

♪ guaranteed brand-new ♪

♪ here come the muppets ♪

♪ here come the muppets ♪

♪ here come the muppets tonight ♪

Captioning made possible by the u.S department of education

Annonouncer: and now it's time for another episode

Of Tales from the Vet.

 [music plays]

A-E-I-O-U!

Welcome to another blood-chilling installment

Of Tales from the Vet!

[echoes] vet!

[echoes] mulch, turn down the echo.

[echoes] rr-rrg.

[echoes] what? What do you mean it's stuck?

[echoes] rrr rrr.

[echoes] well, then pull the plug,

You nincompoop.

Mulch?

Aah!

Mulch! Mch!

Mulchy!

Oh! Ugh! Oh, why?

Why did I let him talk me into using

That stupid echo machine?

Oh, yes, I remember.

It was earlier today...

[gwling]

So you say that this echo machine

Will enhance the scariness of the show?

[growling] [echoing] show...Show...Show.

Ha ha ha!

Really?

I don't know. Let me think about it for a moment.

[jeopardy! Music plays]

You know what?

Huh?

Let's try it!

Ah! Ha ha ha!

I'll go introduce the show.

[growling]

What do you mean have to do another dissolve

Before I can get back to the show?

[growling]

But didn't the clock accomplish that?

[growling]

Costume? Oh, yes. All right, all right, all right!

I don't want to spend all day arguing about it.

Just go and dissolve.

Oh. Oh, now, where was I?

Oh, yeah. There was an explosion,

And then mulchy flew high into the air.

Okay, now I know where I was.

Aah!

Hmm?

Aah!

Uhh!

Ow! Ow, mulch.

Mulch, you've cracked my clavicle.

Aah!

[growling]

What do I care if your femur is fractured?

I'll just replace the part.

You're still under warranty.

[growling]

Oh! Oh! Watch your language, mulch.

What? Did your mother raise you in a sewer?

Ah! Ah! All right! Ooh!

You know--

Ye?

This show reminds me of a 25-cent cigar.

Yeah? Why is tt?

Because it's cheap and it stinks.

Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha!

All right, people.

Get ready to cue the village spiders.

 and when he was just a little baby, he'd get so upset,

So I'd just put a couple shots of espresso in his baby bottle.

Calmed him right down.

Can you dig it, mama?

Solid.

Ha ha ha!

Mom, how dare you embarrass me with stories about when I was little

When you can see that I have a show to run here.

Here you go, son, a nice cup of mocha almond rochachino.

Thanks, mom.

Muh muh muh muh. Muh muh muh muh.

Okay, cue the village spiders.

Okay, bring it over. Bring it over.

[audience cheers]

♪ hey ♪

♪ hey ♪

♪ hey, hey, hey ♪

♪ macho, macho bug ♪

♪ macho bug ♪

♪ I wanna be ♪

♪ a macho bug ♪

♪ I wanna be a ♪

♪ macho, macho bug ♪

♪eah ♪

♪ I wanna be a macho ♪

♪ a-ow! ♪

♪ I wanna be a macho, macho bug ♪

♪ macho bug ♪

Ooh!

Oh, heads up.

Aah!

Gee, you know, when the lights hit the spiders in a certain way,

They look...

Flat.

Ha ha ha.

♪ you know you're not dreaming, signore ♪

♪ scusa me, but you see ♪

♪ back in old napoli ♪

♪ that's amore ♪

♪ that'sw amore ♪

Everyone!

♪ that's amore ♪

♪ baa ♪ ♪ baa ♪

Beautiful. Well done. Thank you kindly.

That was great, Sal.

Thank you. Never had a lesson.

Can't read a lick of music.

That's amazing.

Well, thank you very much.

Just an accordion.

So, uh isn't this fun?

We're out on a date at my house,

And a home-cooked meal to boot.

It's amazing how you decorated this place.

I never knew there were so many saints.

Oh, that ain't the half of it, dear.

You should see ma's room.

It's like walking into the sistine chapel.

You live with your mother?

Yeah. Yeah. Johnny's been living with his mom--

Let me think-- for, uh...

3, 4--ever since was born.

Yeah.

You're kidding.

That sounds like kind of an unhealthy situation.

Oh, no, no. Ma keeps it very clean.

I mean psychologically.

No, no. She remembers everything--my mother.

It really sounds like you're in denial.

No, no, I'm not.

She rememb--

Oh, I, uh... Oh, I understand.

No, noyou see, I been livin' with ma

Because, well, you know, she's old,

She's very frail. Very weak.

[door closes]

Ohh!

[speaking italian]

Ma, what happened to your frailness?

You got very strong all of a sudden.

What are you doing here?

Me? What are you doing here with thes2 tomatoes?

No, mrs. Fimma, you got it all wrong.

This is page and Daryl hannah.

I know who they are.

I see them in the films.

Oh, the things they do to those boys.

LoOkay, mrs. Fiama, that's just play-acting.

Yeah. In real life, we would never--

Hyah!

Ah! Ooh!

She's crazy!

There's no stopping her now!

Let's get out here.

No! No! Don't go. Don't go. Don't go.

I'll handle it. I'll handle it.

Ma, now put down that frying pan this instant.

Ooh! [cng]              oh!

[speaking Italian]

No, no. Don't you putting the evil eye on these girls.

They had nothing to do with any of this.

[clang] hyah!

Oh, how dare you hurt an innocent little monkey?

Don't you sass me!

[clang] ooh!

She's crazy. Let's get out of here

Before she kills us!

Out of my house!

Ah...Oh.

 that's it, ma.

That's it. I've had it here.

That's the last straw.

And you know what?

You're in denial...

Plenty!

And I'm moving out of this house.

Wait, john. Is something wrong?

Yes. Y-y-you're crazy!

That's what's wrong.

And I'm never comin' back, ma.

Oh.

Never comin' back.

Wait! Wait! Johnny!

Oh, my Johnny.

[thud] and you know what else?

Oh, great! Walk away!

Man, these take-yo-mom-to-work days are getting to me.

Hey! What the--

Whe laundry is this?

Oh, uh, uh, that's mine, clifford.

What?

I find theeat of the control room

And the steam from nigel's cappuccino

Provides a beautiful drying environment.

But, Johnny, why can't you do it at home?

Uh, well, um...

I've made a decision to move out of ma's home.

I'm living here now.

I won't be in anybody's way.

[bzzzt]

What?

Aah! Aah! Clifford, clifford, clifford! What's going on?

Uh, oh! It's just my toaster there, nigel.

It happens sometimes.

Sorry, everybody.

Oh, man, could tngs get any worse?

Johnny Fiama's ma comin' through.

Make way for me, Johnny Fiama's ma!

Sal, what are you doing?

I'm not Sal.

I'm your ma, Johnny.

I was wrong, and you were right,

And I want you home right now.

Sal?

Yeah, Johnny?

Listen, I appreciate your very sweet, but very weird gesture,

But I just wanna be alone right now, huh?

Just me and my thoughts.

Oh.

Excuse me.

All right.

Johnny, thinking: gee, I wonder how ma's doin'.

I hope I didn't hurt her feelings.

You know, Sal's calves were sure looking shapely today.

I wonder if he's working out.

Sal, thinking: boy, Johnny sure is sad.

There has to be some way I can get him and mama back together again.

Gee, these support hose sure do make my calves look shapely.

Beats workin' out.

Did I just say that out loud?

Announcer: starring...

[thud]

[chirping]

Gosh, champ, sure is swell of ya

To give me this 3-hour tour of the bay.

 whoa, no problemo, Spamela.

I'm not sure about the weather, though.

It seems to be getting a little rough.

Oh? It is?

Hit it, guys.

Ugh! Oh!

Oh! Ugh!

Oh! You feel that?

Oh, our tiny ship being tossed.

Oh. It's a storm!

Ooh! Ooh!

Champ,hat should we do?

Oh, well, you should hold on tightly to me, Spamela.

 if not forhe courage of the fearless, uh, me,

Our motor could be lost.

Aah! Quick! The motor!

Oh, oh. What?

Aah! Aah!

Aah!

Well, that'll be next stop: desert isle.

You know, this show

Reminds me of a glass of expensive brandy.

Why's that?

Because it's old

And it makes my head hurt.

Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha!

Hmm.

Uh...

Are you sure Johnny wrote this letter to me?

Yeah, yeah, every word.

But I can't read this monkey scratch-a.

I'll read it for you.

"Dear ma,

I'm so sorry I got sore at you

And moved out."

Mmm. Mm-mmm.

"I feel worse

than having a whole bunch of fleas and ticks"

Or eating a bunch of green bananas."

What does that-a mean?

Oh, it means Johnny feels real bad.

"Please come down to the studio

so you and Johnny can make up."

Love, Johnny."

Oh, oh, oh.

"P.S.--p.S., if I, Johnny, didn't write this, may I get struck by lightning."

 oh, are you Okay, little monkey?

Yeah. I got to get down to the studio now, mrs. Fiama.

Oh, boy.

This looks like your writing, Sal.

Well, she dictated it to me.

She was so broken up, she couldn't even write.

Really?

Mmm.

"Dear Johnny,

I'm so sad about what happened and you moving out."

I feel like I fell out of a 100-foot coconut tree

and got beat up by a bunch of orangutans

Who were mad 'cause I stole their green bananas."

That's terrible.

You're telling me?

"I'm coming to the studio to make nice, and please give Sal a raise."

Love, mama.

p.S. If mama didn't write this, may I be--

Oh, you know what, Johnny?

Don't read that part.

Ohall right. Well, I can't anyway.

It's monkey scratch.

Monkey scratch! What do you mean?

Give it to me. I can read it.

 "And p.S. If I, mama, didn't write this,

May I be swallowed whole by the earth."

[rumbling]

Oops. Yaaah!

I wonder what mama meant by "Oops."

Comin'p next,

Everyone's favorite mythological mischief-maker,

Thor, god of thunder.

Announcer: this week, Thor visits the d.M.V.

All right, next.

Name, please?

Thor, god of thunder!

[thunder roars]

Have all these forms been filled out properly

For your vehicle registration, sir?

Yes, yes, I believe so.

I filled in the release of liability form.

I've given you all the information for the r.E.G. 135 form

 in triplicate.

I went all the way home

To get my certificate of ownership

Because the troll in line 3 said that I needed it.

All right, sir, what did you say your name was again?

I'm sorry.

I am Thor, god of thunder!

[thunder] ah ha ha ha!

Okay, chill ou sir.

Now, exactly how long have you oed this car?

'tis n car. 'tis a fiery chariot.

Uhh. It's a chariot.

You're gonna want line "J," sir.

You got your minivans, your 4-wheel drives,

Your antique vehicles.

Line "J"?

Have you seen the size of line "J"

I may be immortal, but I don't have that much time,

For I am Thor--

God of thunder. I know.

And I am estelle,

God of hunger, all right?

And if you don't mind, sir, it's almost lunchtime.

Oh, how clever.

Mind your tongue or I shall smite the mightily.

Well, you can smite me

Till you're blue in the face, sir,

But you're gonna have to do it from line "J."

Uh-oh.

You filled out the r.E.G. 256 form in pencil.

It's gotta be in pen.

Now, you're gonna have to take this back,

Fill it out properly,

And then get back in line and start over again.

All right, next.

Aaahhh! I've warned thee.

Now feel the wrath of the god of thunder!

Now!

I will get my supervisor, sir.

Mm-hmm. Ha ha ha!

The gods we get in here these days.

[dog barking]

Ma?

Huh?

Johnny.

Ma, what, uh...

What are you doing up so late, huh?

Oh, I can't-a sleep.

[sighs]

Listen, ma, uh...

I...

I hope you understand that--

Well, I-- I feel that--

I'm-a your mama, Johnny.

I understand.

Here, sit down, eh?

All right.

Hmm.

Oh, Johnny, remember this-a picture

The first time you sang-a that song to me?

Yeah.

Sing it again, eh?

Right--right now, ma?

It's kinda late.

Come on, do what I like,

Just-a for me.

All right, for you, ma.

Hmm.

♪ you and me against the world ♪

♪ sometimes it feels like ♪

♪ you and me against the world ♪

♪ when all the others turn their backs ♪

♪ and walk away ♪

♪ you can count on me ♪

♪ to stay ♪

♪ remember when the circus came to town ♪

♪ and you were frightened by the clown ♪

♪ wasn't it nice to be around ♪

♪ someone that you knew ♪

♪ someone who was big and strong ♪

♪ and lookin' out for you ♪

♪ and ♪

♪ me against the world ♪

♪ sometimes it feels like ♪

♪ you and me against the world ♪

♪ and for all the times we've cried ♪

♪ I always felt that god was on our side ♪

♪ and when one of us is gone ♪

♪ and one of us is left to carry on ♪

♪ then rememberin' will have to do ♪

♪ our memories alone will get us through ♪

[snoring]

♪ think about the days of me and you ♪

♪ you and me ♪

♪ against ♪

♪ the world ♪

I love you, ma.

I love you, Johnny.

Aa

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Shh, huh? Ma's sleeping over here.

Oh, aah...Aah!

Hey, uh, where you been, huh?

I been to the center of the earth and back

For you two.

Ah, that's my stinky little monkey.

Heh heh heh.

Oh! Ow! Ohh!

Johnny, are you ok in there?

You need a blanket?

I'm fine, mrs. Fiama.

And thanks again for renting me this room.

I can't-a believe I got a great singer

Like Johnny Mathis living with me.

Are you sure your son's gonna be ok

At the YMCA?

Oh, he'll do just-a fine.

Now, sing me that song, Johnny,

The one I like, just for me.

Oh.

♪ chances are ♪

♪ 'cause I wear a silly grin ♪

♪ the moment you come into view ♪

No, no, no, Johnny. Not that song.

Sing misty for me.

Ok. But after that, I'm off to bed.

Mmm.

♪ look at me ♪

♪ I'm as helpless ♪

♪ as a kitten up a tree ♪

♪ and I feel like I'm clinging ♪

♪ to a cloud ♪

♪ I can't understand ♪

♪ I get misty ♪

♪ just holding your hand ♪

Oh, slumber party. I'll go get my nightgown on.

Excuse me.

Ow! Ow! Ow!

Hey, look.

Ooh.

Birds.

Birdies.

Look at birdie go.

Cue the little spiders.

Ha ha ha.

[all laugh]

I feel worse than having a whole bunch of flicks and teas.

Flicks and teas?

Excuse me?

Flicks and teas.

Captioning made possible by the u.S. Department of education

Captioning performed by the national captioning institute, inc.

Public performance of captions prohibited without permission of national captioning institute