Episode 212: Bernadette Peters/transcript

00:00:08 [Knocking]

00:00:09 Bernadette Peters. Oh, 15 seconds to curtain, Miss Peters.

00:00:13 Thanks, Scooter, and thank the Swedish Chef for sending in this

00:00:17 lovely chicken sandwich.

00:00:19 [Squawks]

00:00:23 Suddenly I'm not hungry.

00:00:26 [Drumroll]

00:00:28 It's The Muppet Show, with our special guest star Miss Bernadette Peters.

00:00:34 [Applause]

00:00:47 # Lt's time to play the music Lt's time to light the light

00:00:51 # Lt's time to meet The Muppets on The Muppet Show tonight

00:00:55 # Lt's time to put on makeup Lt's time to dress up right

00:00:59 # Lt's time to get things started.

00:01:01 No, please, don't make me watch it.

00:01:04 # Lt's time to get things started

00:01:05 # On the most sensational Lnspirational, celebrational

00:01:09 # Muppetational This is what we call

00:01:13 # The Muppet Show #

00:01:17 [trumpet shrieks]

00:01:24 OK, thank you, thank you, thank you.

00:01:26 Right, and welcome again to The Muppet Show.

00:01:28 We have a wonderful show. Our guest star is one of the all time multitalented,

00:01:34 beautiful ladies of the world, Miss Bernadette Peters.

00:01:37 [Applause]

00:01:39 OK, but first of all we've got an opening number which features me.

00:01:43 I do sing and dance, so you'll know I'm not just another pretty face.

00:01:49 - Kermie, my love? - Mmm?

00:01:51 - About the opening. It is a duet. - That's true.

00:01:55 I wish you'd told me earlier. I don't have time to learn the lyrics.

00:01:59 Oh, that's OK. I'm doing it with Miss Mousie.

00:02:04 Miss Mousie?

00:02:06 Miss Mousie!

00:02:10 [# How Could You Believe Me]

00:04:07 - Boo! Hiss! Terrible. I hated it. - Boo!

00:04:10 Really? I kind of liked it.

00:04:11 Well, the pig doesn't have you in a hammerlock.

00:04:15 - Boo! Hiss! Boo! - Boo.

00:04:17 Let's see if I've got it right now. [Clears throat]

00:04:20 Uncle Kermit, despite my small size and diminutive stature...

00:04:24 OK. Hey, listen, big monsters on stage for the Bernadette Peters' number.

00:04:28 Come on, you guys. Move it. Move it. Come on. Move it. Move it.

00:04:32 Look out, you almost stepped on me.

00:04:34 Come on, you can't go on stage looking like that.

00:04:36 - [Robin mumbling] - You gotta brush your hair.

00:04:39 Bernadette Peters is a big star. You gotta clean up.

00:04:42 Come on, come on, we don't have much time.

00:04:45 Aw. Nobody ever notices me.

00:04:50 Uncle Kermit, despite my small size and diminutive stature...

00:04:54 The number is about to start. Get on stage, get on stage.

00:04:57 ...and I want a feature part in the show.

00:05:00 Aww, rats.

00:05:03 And now, one of the loveliest ladies in all of show business.

00:05:08 Kermie, you're not bringing that Miss Mousie back, are you?

00:05:11 No, this is our guest star Bernadette Peters.

00:05:14 Well, you're not singing with her, are you?

00:05:16 She's working with some of our big, ugly, shaggy beasts.

00:05:19 Sounds like Miss Mousie to me.

00:05:20 Will you get out of here!

00:05:22 Ladies and gentlemen, the beautiful Miss Bernadette Peters.

00:05:35 [# Take a Little One Step]

00:07:45 Wow, wonderful, wonderful. That Bernadette Peters is terrific.

00:07:49 - I reserve judgment. - Till when?

00:07:52 Till the pig tells me what to say.

00:07:55 - Bernadette Peters you can like. - I loved her, I loved her!

00:07:59 It's the mouse you gotta hate.

00:08:01 - I hated her. - Terrible mouse.

00:08:03 - Boo! - Boo!

00:08:05 [Robin] Aw, gee. I'm so small, they don't even see me most of the time.

00:08:11 And then when they do, they don't think I can do anything right.

00:08:15 Well, I'll show 'em. I'm running away.

00:08:19 The next time they turn around and don't see me, I'll be gone.

00:08:24 Then they'll see I can do something right.

00:08:27 [Grunt]

00:08:29 Aw, rats.

00:08:32 [# Chopsticks]

00:08:52 [Clucking]

00:08:57 [Announcer] And now, Veterinarian's Hospital,

00:09:00 the continuing story of a quack who's gone to the dogs.

00:09:06 Testing, one, two, three. Mm? Oh.

00:09:08 Over here, Dr. Bob. Here's your next patient.

00:09:11 Oh.

00:09:12 This is just a shoe. What happened to the rest of him?

00:09:15 - Maybe he got cold feet. - [All laughing]

00:09:17 Now, let's see what's wrong with him. A-ha! It's an eight and a half triple D.

00:09:22 - Eight and a half triple D? - That's about the size of it.

00:09:25 [All laugh]

00:09:27 Dr. Bob, what are you going to start on?

00:09:30 The shoe string. A lot of people start on a shoestring.

00:09:32 - What do you think, Dr. Bob? - Simple. It's arsenic poisoning.

00:09:36 - Arsenic? - Sure, just look at this old lace.

00:09:39 - Arsenic and Old Lace. - [All laughing]

00:09:42 Dr. Bob, Dr. Bob, that's an old show.

00:09:44 - Oh, that's an old shoe. - Well, that's an old joke.

00:09:47 [All laughing]

00:09:49 Oh, Dr. Bob, aren't you going to examine the patient?

00:09:52 Yes. Hey, shoe, stick out your tongue and say "ah".

00:09:56 [Shoe] Ahh.

00:09:59 Dr. Bob, the tongue has a coat on it.

00:10:02 - Of course, it's cold outside. - How do you know?

00:10:05 # Oh, the leather outside is frightful #

00:10:07 [all laughing]

00:10:09 Dr. Bob. You're not going to sing a song now, are you?

00:10:12 Why not? There's no business like shoe-business.

00:10:15 [All laughing]

00:10:16 [Announcer] So, once again, Dr. Bob is barking up the wrong shoe tree.

00:10:21 Woof woof!

00:10:22 Tune in next time when you'll hear Nurse Piggy, Nurse Janice and Dr. Bob sing...

00:10:27 [all] # He'll never walk alone #

00:10:37 [# The Sheik of Araby]

00:12:11 [Crashing]

00:12:29 [Gong clatters]

00:12:38 What, now? Oh. Ahem.

00:12:40 Ladies and gentlemen,

00:12:42 I, Sam the Eagle, will now read a fable,

00:12:45 which should serve as a moral lesson to us all.

00:12:51 "Once upon a time, there was an ant and a grasshopper.

00:12:57 It was warm and sunny where they lived.

00:13:00 But the ant worked day and night, from dawn to dusk,

00:13:06 storing food for the long, hard winter he knew would come."

00:13:12 [Ant] Toil and labor, work and strife,

00:13:14 are all that matter in this life.

00:13:17 Oh, the ant is a wonderful character.

00:13:22 "But meanwhile, the lazy, pleasure-loving grasshopper

00:13:27 sang and danced with appalling abandon."

00:13:30 Winter will fall and snow will come, but now it's time to have some fun.

00:13:35 [Hoots]

00:13:36 Shocking, shocking.

00:13:39 "And eventually, just as expected, winter came."

00:13:45 Very nice.

00:13:46 And then it was, dear listeners...

00:13:52 "The grasshopper drove his sports car to Florida and the ant got stepped on."

00:13:58 What?

00:14:03 Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! That was not in the script.

00:14:06 Someone changed it. We'll have to do it again.

00:14:09 [Groans]

00:14:10 - The grasshopper drove to Florida. - The ant got stepped on.

00:14:15 Will you stop that?

00:14:18 - Why are they picking on us tonight? - [Statler mumbles]

00:14:25 [Clears throat] Hello, Miss Peters.

00:14:27 Oh, hello, Robin. I didn't see you.

00:14:30 Most people don't.

00:14:32 Listen, I'm running away from home, but I did want to stop and say goodbye.

00:14:36 Oh, you running away from home? How come?

00:14:39 Oh, because nobody notices me around here.

00:14:42 Oh, really? I hadn't noticed.

00:14:44 See? I mean, no one cares about a six-ounce frog.

00:14:48 Robin, you've got to believe in yourself.

00:14:53 If just one person believes in you,

00:14:57 deep enough and strong enough, believes in you...

00:15:01 [# Just One Person]

00:17:21 [Music playing]

00:17:23 [Humming]

00:17:34 [Speaking mock Swedish]

00:17:53 [Clucking]

00:18:08 OK. Is he all right? Good. OK.

00:18:11 - Hi, Uncle Kermit. - Hi, Robin.

00:18:12 Hey, I feel just great after talking to Bernadette.

00:18:16 - Good. - Can I do a song on the show tonight?

00:18:19 Funny you should mention it, Robin. I was thinking the same thing.

00:18:23 Oh, boy. Look, the way I see it,

00:18:25 the curtain opens and I'm standing there in a spotlight.

00:18:30 The music swells and I sing,

00:18:32 # Away out here, they've got a name #

00:18:36 Oh, no, no, no, no, no. They Call the Wind Maria?

00:18:38 - Yeah. Great, huh? - Robin, that's ridiculous.

00:18:41 No, listen. I have a cute little song here that's fitting to a frog your age.

00:18:45 It's called L'm Five.

00:18:47 It's called cute and yucky. I don't wanna do it.

00:18:52 OK. Forget it.

00:18:53 Oh, hey. Is that any way to treat a performer?

00:18:56 I'm gonna get an agent. I'm gonna get a lawyer.

00:19:00 I'm gonna get your father.

00:19:02 I'm gonna get right out and learn this cute little song.

00:19:08 I thought he'd see it my way.

00:19:11 Welcome again to Muppet Labs where the future is being made today.

00:19:15 Dr. Bunsen Honeydew here with news to set you aquiver.

00:19:20 Beaker, Beaker, dear lad, come over here.

00:19:23 Oh, Beaker, you forgot the beaker. Now get the beaker, Beaker.

00:19:29 Go on.

00:19:31 You are about to see the first sample ever isolated of Bunsonium,

00:19:36 contained in this self-same beaker here.

00:19:39 So far we have found no use for Bunsonium.

00:19:43 We already know that it does not remove paint, it isn't a good glue,

00:19:47 and when used as a shampoo, it produces unusual side effects. Right, Beaker?

00:19:52 [Sighs]

00:19:56 Today we begin an experiment to see what Bunsonium does when taken internally.

00:20:03 My assistant Beaker here will now drink the Bunsonium.

00:20:07 [Shrieks]

00:20:08 That's all right. There, there, Beaker.

00:20:10 Take a teensy little sip at first

00:20:12 and remember not to get carried away and gulp the whole thing.

00:20:16 Go ahead. It's all right. Go on.

00:20:21 [Slurping]

00:20:26 Good. And now, in just a few moments,

00:20:28 we shall know exactly what Bunsonium does.

00:20:32 [Whooping]

00:20:36 [Air whooshing]

00:20:43 Oh, so that's what Bunsonium does.

00:20:48 Come, Beaker, let's go find a bicycle pump and pump you back up.

00:20:52 [Mumbling]

00:20:55 Well, it's introduction time.

00:20:57 So here he is, my own cute little nephew, Robin, singing L'm Five.

00:21:06 [# L'm Five]

00:21:52 [Applause]

00:22:00 And now for my next number:

00:22:01 # Away out here they've got a name

00:22:05 # For wind and rain and fire #

00:22:11 [man] Here's a Muppet newsflash.

00:22:14 Dateline The Muppet Show.

00:22:16 It has been reported that a large heavy object was dropped from the ceiling.

00:22:21 Further developments will...

00:22:26 OK, and now let's go down home for a little singin',

00:22:29 a little banjo pickin' and a little Apple Jack

00:22:31 with the lovely Miss Bernadette Peters.

00:22:37 [# Apple Jack]

00:24:17 OK. Well, we did the beginning part of the show,

00:24:20 and then we did the middle part, so this has to be the end part.

00:24:23 So let us have a thank you to our very special guest, Miss Bernadette Peters.

00:24:27 [Applause]

00:24:31 Thank you, Kermit. You know, it's really been fun.

00:24:34 But I especially want to thank Mr. Big, Robin the Frog.

00:24:39 Aww, gee, Bernadette. Thanks a lot. Hey, I really had a great time.

00:24:44 [Robin yells]

00:24:46 Hey, we'll see you next time on The Muppet Show.

00:24:49 - OK? - He's OK.

00:25:25 What'd you think of Miss Mousie?

00:25:27 - I loved her. - Me too.

00:25:29 - What? - [Both] No, we didn't!

00:25:30 Thank you.