Episode 113: Bruce Forsyth/transcript

It's The Muppet Show, with our

special guest star Mr, Bruce Forsyth,

It's time to play the music

It's time to light the lights

It's time to meet the Muppets

on The Muppet Show tonight

It's time to put on makeup

It's time to dress up right

It's time to raise the curtain

on The Muppet Show tonight

Hey, question, If a man born in Poland is

a Pole, is a man born in Holland a Hole?

Think about it,

To introduce our guest star

That's what I'm here to do

So it really makes me happy

To introduce to you

Mr, Bruce Forsyth,

But now let's get things started

on the most sensationaI, inspirationaI

CelebrationaI, MuppetationaI

This is what we call

The Muppet Show

Thank you, Thank you,

Thank you, thank you,

Hello, hello, hello,

And if I sound a little British tonight,

it's because our special guest star

is one of England's truly great

performers, Mr, Bruce Forsyth,

He sings, dances, plays

the piano, tells jokes,

In fact he's a one-man variety show,

and we're really pleased he's with us,

But right now, let's kick things off with

a new musicaI group we call the Snerfs,

The Snerfs?

Well, now I've seen everything,

Good, Can we leave?

OK, Nice number, nice

number, Snerfs, Way to go,

Oh, Kermit,

- Yeah?

I finally got the punch line down

for the act tonight, Want to hear it?

OK,

- Good,

Quack!

Uh Fine, fine, But

keep working on it, OK?

Oh, sure, toad, Thanks a lot,

You know, put me down like everybody

else, Yeah, that's right, Put me down,

Bitter duck,

- Oh, Kermit, Kermit, Kermit,

Kermit, I am really

gonna get 'em tonight,

Get who?

- Hm? Oh, Statler and Waldorf,

You know, those two old guys who sit

in the box and heckle me every night,

Mm-hm, - Well, tonight

I am ready for 'em, Ha ha,

Yeah, I can handle

any insult, Any of 'em,

Hey, hey, Let's try

it, OK? Let's see

You be the audience,

and I'll tell a joke,

and then you insult me and then just

watch my razor-sharp wit at work,

OK, you ready, huh? Huh?

- No,

Good, OK, Here we go,

I wouldn't say my wife can't cook,

but last night she burned the water,

Boo! Boo! That's terrible, Terrible,

Get off the stage! You are the worst!

Oh, please don't heckle me,

Fozzie, is this an example

of your razor-like wit?

Could still use a

little sharpening, huh?

When it comes to song-and-dance men,

it's pretty hard to top our special guest,

So let's give a warm Muppet Show

welcome to Mr, Bruce Forsyth,

Got my tweed pressed

Got my best vest

AII I need now is the girI

Got my striped tie

Got my hopes high

Got the time and the

place and I got rhythm

AII I need's the

girI to go with them

If she'll just appear

We'll take this big bird

I must stop taking those pills,

It'll go away in a minute,

Whatever it is, it's a reaI one,

I hope it's not a female,

Yes, I I didn't see you there, I'm

sorry, I'm doing my song-and-dance number,

Would you mind waiting

over there, please?

Over there, In the corner,

Over here, Let me show you,

Let me show you, That's fine,

That's it, OK, Trust me, trust me,

I'll be gentle with you,

No, bring the feet, Bring the

feet, I think the taiI will follow,

Bring the feet, That's it, Good,

Left, right, Right, left, That's it,

Good, That's fine, Now, could we just sort

of twist you round now? As you go, that's it,

Now, back off, will you? Back off,

Left hand down a bit, Left hand,

As you were, Off you go, Off you

go, then, There you go, That's fine,

You see, I'm just going to

do my song-and-dance number,

It's the only thing I've

got in the whole show,

Worthwhile,

Thank you,

Take it!

Are you all right?

That was marvelous, Fantastic,

I've never seen

anything It is a female,

My striped tie and

my best best tweed

Come on, Leave me alone, Get back,

Get Goodness' sake,

Great big gawky fooI, Get back,

Why don't you get Get back,

Get back there, Back! Get away!

Oh, no, Her sister,

Mr, Hitchcock! Mr, Hitchcock!

Get away, you great big

gawky-looking thing, Get off,

Bravo,

- Brilliant,

Oh, there aren't many performers who

could hold a candle to Bruce Forsyth,

Course not, They'd burn him,

Statler, you must be the old

fooI there's no fooI like,

Hey, Kermit, Kermit,

This time I have really got it, I have

really mastered the art of handling hecklers,

You think so, huh?

- Yeah, I know so, I know so,

OK, I tell you what, You tell

a joke and I will heckle you,

Great,

- But, Fozzie, I expect a great comeback,

Right, Ahem,

My cousin's so dumb, he thinks

eggs Benedict is a Mafia gangster,

I've seen cheeseburgers

funnier than that,

What do you think? Too subtle?

Will you get outta here?

George,

- Yeah,

Would you like to come to my

place for dinner tomorrow night?

Maybe, What are you fixing?

- Well, do you like duckling?

I don't know, I never duckled,

Do you know what happened in 1 7 7 6?

No, baby, but there's

a great party in 1 342,

I'm really into American history,

Oh?

- Mm-hm,

You know

- Washington, Jefferson, Revere,

Oh, do you like Franklin?

- Well, I don't know, I've never Frankled,

Do you mind if I light up?

- Why, no,

Many, many years ago when I was 23

I was married to a widow

who was pretty as could be

This widow had a grown-up

daughter who had hair of red

My father fell in love with

her and soon they two were wed

This made my dad my son-in-law

and changed my very life

For my daughter was my mother

'cause she was my father's wife

To complicate the matter,

even though it brought me joy

I soon became the father

of a bouncing baby boy

My little baby then became

a brother-in-law to Dad

And so became my uncle,

though it made me very sad

For if he was my uncle then

that also made him brother

Of the widow's grown-up daughter

who of course was my stepmother

Oh, I'm my own grandpa

I'm my own grandpa

It sounds funny, I

know but it really is so

- # Oh, I'm my own grandpa

- Sing it, Pa,

Father's wife then had a

son who kept them on the run

And he became my grandchild

for he was my daughter's son

My wife is now my mother's

mother and it makes me blue

Because although she is my

wife, she's my grandmother too

Oh, if my wife is my

grandmother then I'm her grandchild

And every time I think of

it it nearly drives me wild

For now I have become the

strangest case you ever saw

As husband of my

grandmother I am my own grandpa

Oh, I'm my own grandpa

I'm my own grandpa

It sounds funny, I

know but it really is so

Oh, I'm my own grandpa

It sounds funny, I

know but it really is so

Oh, I'm my own grandpa

Well, Bruce, welcome to our show,

Well, it's very nice to be here, Kermit,

Although, of course, it is a little strange,

Strange?

- It isn't like any other show on television,

I'll buy the fact that

you're a frog who can talk,

There's nothing strange about that,

And I'll even buy the chicken

who shares my dressing room,

But she's not for sale,

- I beg your pardon?

That chicken's not for sale,

- Oh,

I mean, I wouldn't mind selling her,

but her husband plays in the band,

No, you misunderstand me, You see, I

don't actually want to buy a chicken,

Oh, I see,

Mind you, I wouldn't mind leasing a duck,

- Well, uh

I can let you have a duck right here, I can

give you a good rentaI deaI on this duck,

It's not a bad-looking duck,

It's a great little duck, I mean, it

was last owned by a little old lady

who only used it as a decoy

during the hunting season,

Really?

Well, how much to rent

this duck for a month?

For one month, this duck will

cost you a pig and two rabbits,

A pig and two rabbits? Well,

hold on a minute, will you?

One pig - there we are -

and I'm fresh out of rabbits,

Have you got change of a rat?

Sure, I can let you have a woodpecker,

Oh, good, That's fine,

OK, That's a fair exchange,

Is that a deaI?

- Mind the leg,

WonderfuI doing business with you,

- Lovely doing business with you as well,

OK, let's go, guys, Come on, come on,

- Fine, Off you go, Fine, Fine,

You see, it is strange here,

Any other show on television charges at

least two pigs a month for a good duck,

I wish I had a good-looking bird,

Two pigs for one lousy duck?

This is an outrage to all Porkdom,

Well, I was

Really, Miss Piggy, I was only

joking, I wasn't having a go at you,

Yeah? Well, have a go at this,

Hiiii-yah!

That was vicious, Come here, you,

Monkey with

me? - Hii-yah!

That Miss Piggy takes umbrage

at the slightest annoyance,

Oh, I usually take aspirin,

Maybe I'll try some umbrage,

"Same to you " Same

to you and more of it,

Fozzie,

- Huh?

I know you're worried

about your act tonight,

Oh, boy, Am I, I really want to get the

best of those two old hecklers, Kermit,

Well, I can guarantee you that Statler

and Waldorf will not heckle you tonight,

But but they always heckle me, Every

show they heckle me, Why not tonight?

Well, the show's running

long and your act's been cut,

Hilda, Hilda,

Yes, Fozzie,

- Don't move, Just stay right there,

But why?

- So you can break my fall when I faint,

Aargh!

Cute, Cute faint,

Once again, it is my distinct

pleasure to introduce to you

those two solid citizens of song

- Wayne and Wanda,

Decent, decent people,

I think that I shall never see

A poem lovely as a tree

Oh!

Oh, Kermit, You've got to let me

do my big act in the show, Please,

Yeah, but listen, Fozzie,

This is just one week,

Oh, but, but, but Kermit, in this type

of show people expect a stand-up comic,

Yes, and we got one,

- Oh, then I am going on after all,

No, Bruce Forsyth is,

Hilda!

Cute, Cute fall,

OK, ladies and gentlemen, Tonight we

thought we'd give Fozzie Bear a rest,

You're not giving him a

rest, you're giving us a rest,

Yeah, OK, Be that as it may,

substituting for Fozzie tonight is our

special guest star Mr, Bruce Forsyth,

Thank you so much, Thank you, And may

I say you look a wonderfuI audience,

Don't be too sure, We

haven't heard your jokes yet,

Sir, you're old enough to have heard my

jokes, Bob Hope's jokes and Milton Berle's,

In fact, if you've heard Milton Berle's

jokes, you've heard everybody's jokes,

Same old stuff, We want new blood,

Yeah, well, you certainly look

as though you could use some,

Why don't you go to the

blood bank and cash an artery?

Good, Good stuff,

- I've heard better,

I'm sure you have, sir, In fact, at your

age you're lucky you can hear at all,

Only kidding, Only kidding, You've

probably got a great sense of humor,

In fact, I know you have,

I saw your wife outside,

Oh, he's burying me, He's burying me,

All right, But you know, one thing I

like about our two countries at the moment

is we do have this

culturaI exchange going on,

I mean, we send you lots of our

drama shows like Upstairs, Downstairs,

The Six Wives of Henry

VIII, The Forsyte Saga -

and by the way, I thought Eric

Porter played my life brilliantly,

I was going to play the part myself,

but they said I wasn't the type,

Then of course you send us

your drama shows like Columbo,

Starsky and Hutch, Police Woman.

They're not Shakespeare

perhaps, but just as violent,

By the way, thank you for Kojak. He's

made such a big hit in our country,

He's such a sportsman, Goes

to Scotland, plays golf,

And he's also a good tenpin

bowler, Got the head for it,

But he gets very annoyed

at the bowling alley

'cause people keep sticking their

fingers up his nose, Got to be a split,

Anyway, don't let's talk about

him, Let's get back to me,

Ladies and gentlemen

- Excuse me, Mr, Forsyth,

Oh, please, please call me Bruce,

Ladies and gentlemen, the

one and only Fozzie Bear,

Hey, hey!

Yeah, thank heavens there's only one,

Aw, See those guys up there?

The minute I come out, they start up,

- Don't worry, Don't worry,

Do you see the box they're in?

- Yeah,

I may decide to bury them together,

Oh! Oh, that's

Boy, see how he handles them? See? I

was watching in the wings over there,

Yeah, well, why don't you

flap them and fly outta here?

Ho, ho,

Look, you can handle those two,

- Well

You can do it, All you need

is the pacing, a bit of timing,

The right retort, The right line,

He couldn't throw a

line to a drowning man,

Uh Uh

Go on,

- OK,

Do you mind? We work alone,

That is, unless we work together,

How's that?

A little soft, Fozzie, Go for the

jugular vein, there, Go right in,

Right there? OK,

- Go on, Go on,

Uh Uh Oh! Oh!

Hey, is that a suit you're wearing?

It's a nice one, yeah, but won't your wife

notice the hole in the living-room rug?

That's good, Now you're rolling, Go

in for the kill, Go in for the kill,

Hey, that's some nose

you got there, buster,

Why don't you rent

yourself out as an anteater?

I like it, Quit while you're ahead,

- Oh, yeah, Oh, yeah, Oh, yeah, Oh, yeah,

You call that a head? I've

seen better heads on cabbages,

You don't want to lose your audience,

You call that an audience? It

looks more like an oiI painting,

Believe me, you've got 'em,

Got 'em? Who wants 'em? Who wants 'em?

No, no, Enough, enough,

- We surrender, We surrender,

No more, no more,

- You did it, Fozzie,

Oh, I did it! Bruce, I did it,

Oh, I did it, I did, Oh! Oh! Oh!

Bruce, this is the

happiest moment of my life,

Just learning from a pro like you, Working

side by side with one of the greats,

You even learned how to cue the big

musicaI finish to the comedy spot,

You did,

- Yeah?

Yeah,

- All right,

Oh, we ain't got a barreI of money

Maybe we're ragged and funny

But we traveI along, singing a song

Thank you, Mr, Forsyth,

- It's my pleasure, Mr, Bear,

- # Hey

- # We traveI along, singing a song

Side by side

I like the ears, Keep the ears

going, They love it, Listen to that,

Thank you, Thank you,

Thank you, Thank you,

And now

"Veterinarian's Hospital. "

The continuing story of an orthopedic

surgeon who's gone to the dogs.

Well, Dr, Bob, here's

your next patient,

What have we here?

Another sick chicken?

I'm not a chicken, I'm a duck,

Shall we prepare for

surgery on the chicken?

Duck!

- Oh!

What was that?

- I don't know,

Somebody yelled "Duck,"

- Well, let's get back to the chicken,

Duck!

- Oh!

I don't understand what's

going on around here,

Duck!

- Oh!

Oh, no, I'm not gonna fall

for another one of Ow!

So Dr. Bob has

received a serious blow.

Tune in next week, when you will

hear Dr. Bob say to his patient.

What kind of doctor do you think I am?

Quack,

I should know better

than to ask a chicken,

Duck!

Let there be you

Let there be me

Let there be oysters under the sea

Let there be wind

And occasionaI rain

Chili con carne

Sparkling Champagne

Let there be birds

Small ones, huh?

- Yes,

- # That sing in the trees

- I don't want that big one back,

Someone to bless

me whenever I sneeze

Ahchoo!

- Bless you, Piggy,

Let there be cuckoos

A lark and a dove

But most of all, please

Let there be love

Come in, boys,

- # Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh

- # Let there there be cuckoos

- # Doo, doo, doo

- # A lark and a dove

- # Doo, doo, dah

- # But most of all, please

- # Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo

- # Let there be love

- # Love, love

- # Let there be love

- # Love, love

- # Let there be love

- # Yes, Brucie

Let there be love love

between Bruce and the pig

Love, love, love

oh, yes, oh, love, love

Yeah,

Well, that's about

all the time we have,

We'd like to have a special thanks to

our special guest star Mr, Bruce Forsyth,

Thank you, thank you, May I say it's been

a pleasure to be on this television show,

And, Kermit, you're a wonderfuI MC,

Yeah, but he's an MC squared,

He's so dumb, he thinks

Veronica Lake is a body of water,

Please, Fozzie, a little humility,

Yeah, if you want to

be working next week,

Oh, in that case Oh, please

forgive me, Frog, please,

Bruce, you taught him well,

Hey, we'll see you all next

week on The Muppet Show.

This show brought a tear to my eye,

- Really?

Yeah, I'm sitting on a tack,