Episode 103: Billy Crystal/transcript

Yeah.

O.K., have a nice day.

This is your first day on the job.

Let's go over this again.

I am the security guard.

My job is to keep unwanted and/or suspicious characters

From entering these premises.

Good. How do you know they can enter?

Ooh, good one.

I sniff their musk glands and if the scent is familiar,

I let them in.

No, man, you check the list.

If the name's not on the list, don't let them in.

Comprendo. If their name's not on the list,

I don't let them in.

O.K., you got it.

Whoa! Hold it up there, big fella.

Where do you think you're going?

I'm going inside, man. I got a show to do.

Sorry, sir, your name's not on t list.

I got to host the show.

Hello? If your name's not on the list,

You don't get in.

Hello? If my name's not on your paycheck,

You don't get paid.

Have a good day, sir.

It's muppets tonight,

With our very special guest star... Billy crystal. Yay!

♪ if you're a human being ♪

♪ take a break from the race ♪

♪ take a load off your feet ♪

♪ wipe the load off your face ♪

♪ got a lot to do ♪

♪ ande do it for you ♪

♪ everybody take your place ♪

♪uppets tonight ♪

♪ you're gonna see something better ♪

♪ tonight's the night ♪

♪ you're gonna live th the memories ♪

♪ we got a show for you ♪

♪ guaranteed brand-new ♪

♪ here come the muppets tonight ♪

Captioning made possible by jim henson productions, inc. And capital cities/abc, inc.

Captioning performed by the national captioning institute, inc.

Public performance of captions prohibited without pmission of national captioning institute

♪ we got a show for u ♪

♪ guaranteed brand-new ♪

♪ here come the muppets ♪

♪ here come the muppets ♪

♪ here come the muppets tonight ♪

Hey. Good evening. Good evening.

Welcome to muppets tonight,

The show critics everywhere are calling...

Muppets tonight. Ha ha ha ha.

Our guest this evening is a funny man,

Yet a humble man.

A comedian who hasn't let stardom go to his head--

Introduce me already!

All right. Mr. Billy crystal!

Give it up!

Down, down, down.

Yeah!

Yeah!

Billy, billy, billy. Yo, yo, yo.

Welcome to muppets tonight.

Buddy told me I'm doing american gladiators. Where's nitro?

No, man, it's the muppets.

Oh, great. I'm allergic to felt.

Look, I'm all buffed up and no place to go.

I look like the michelin man here.

I'm kidding. It's a joke. Did you see what I did?

I wore this for you guys. I love the muppets.

We love you, too.

I go see all of your movies.

Good. What's your favorite?

When harry met sally.

And that meg ryan? Mmm, mmm, mmm.

Yeah, she's cute.

Yeah, you ought to know.

Don't go there.

All right, I won't.

We had a very good chemistry in that movie.

But the director rob reiner,

We weren't really his first choice at first.

Get out of here.

We both screen tested with different actors and actresses.

I brought with me a very rare screen test

Of me and an actress that you know real well.

You want to see it? Roll the clip.

Uh, billy, over here.

Oh. Ha ha ha.

All right, let's get this now.

I'm on the edge here. I could go either way.

And the next one that calls me "Meathead"

Is going to get it.

When harry met sally screen test, take 73.

Action!

All right, I'd like to have that

With the, uh, mayo and onions on the side,

And french fries on the side,

And, oh, coleslaw on the side--

Sally, you're what my mother would call a good eater.

All you didn't order was a side of beef.

And a side of beef.

On the side?

Put it in the middle so she won't have to reach.

Let me put new words in your vocabulary-- "I'm full."

Try this whole sentence--

No, I couldn't possibly eat more marble cake.

Ha ha ha. So, casanova,

What happened with your hot date last night?

It was a disaster. She canceled. She had a bad cold.

Are you sure she had a cold?

[imitating piggy] yes, I'm sure she had a cold.

I heard her sneeze, twice.

Ha ha ha ha ha.

Ha ha ha ha ha.

Harry, harry, your naiveté is tres amusant.

Did you ever think she may have faked the sneeze

To get out of the date with you?

Faked a sneeze? No way.

Listen, harry, take it from moi,

Most women at one time or another

Have faked a sneeze to get out of a date.

Really? Well, excusez moi,

Miss "I'm jealous of babe,"

You don't think I can tell the difference

Between a a sneeze and a fake sneeze?

No.

Get out of here.

Ha ha ha ha.

Ah...

Ohh...

Ohh...

Ahh...

Ohh...

You o.K.?

Ohh...

Ohhhhh...

Ohh, ohh, ohh...

Ohh...

Ohh...

Ohh...

Ah...Ah...Ah...

Ah...Ah...

Ah...Ah...

Ah...Ah...

Ah...Ah...

Ah...Ah...Ah...

Ah...Ah...

Ah...Ah...

Ah...Ah...Ah...

Ah...Ah...

Ahhhhh-chooooo!

[humming]

Ha ha ha ha.

Ha ha ha ha.

Waiter, I'll have what she's having,

Only less pepper.

There's a lot to be said for this program.

Too bad you can't say it on a family show.

Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha.

Roll three, take five, and go!

Somebody get me a coffee!

Now, I have a very easy task for you.

That doesn't sound so hard.

I thought it'd be much worse.

I haven't explained it yet!

Oh.

Now, this is a button--

Wait, wait, slow dow

Now, this is a button!

You press it once, the house lights will go on.

You press it again, the house lights will--

What happens when you press these--

No, not that one!

Cool! Cool!

Oh, wow.

Come on, I can't get enough of it.

Come on, tell me how I look.

Don't make me do it again, please?

Mom told me that was funny.

O.K., last time for your mom.

All right, for my mom.

[imitating fernando] cliff, darling,

With your katzenjammer hair, you look marvelous.

Ha ha ha ha. That's great.

How would muhammad ali respond to that?

Oh, cliff, come on--

He's going to do ali.

Ali! Ali!

Ali! Ali! Ali!

O.K., o.K., o.K.

[imitating ali] everybody's talking about joe frazier.

I don't want to talk about joe frazier.

I like your show, I admire your style,

But your pay's so cheap

I ain't going to be back for a while.

Have him do sammy.

Yeah? Billy?

What if sammy davis jr. Walked in the room?

Do sammy! Come on!

[imitating sammy] all right, I'll do sammy,

My little cheddar-chomping chum.

I love being in show business,

Which is the business of doing a show,

Especially with you moppets,

And I mean that. I'm excited.

See, that's what we want for the closing number.

Closing number? Well, you know,

I'd like to do something different.

Let me throw something at you.

Watch out! He's got a grenade!

No, no, no, no.

Fellas, come back. Come back here.

Come here. Come on, now.

I want to play some jazz,

Like a musical number,

An old-fashioned jazz number.

I got my band coming. They'll be here in 10 minutes.

Huh?

You know what'd be even better?

If muhammad ali could be the band leader.

No, I don't want to, please.

Did somebody call for a doctor?

Oh, oh!

Oh, yes, an excellent choice for reconstructive surgery.

Mulch!

Cue the musical number.

Yes, excellent choice.

[yawns]

♪ we ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ee ♪

♪ ee um um ma weh ♪

♪ wim-o-weh ♪

♪ o-wim-o-weh ♪

♪ o-wim-o-weh ♪

♪ o-wim-o-weh ♪

♪ o-wim-o-weh ♪

♪ o-wim-o-weh ♪

♪ o-wim-o-weh ♪

♪ o-wim-o-weh ♪

♪ in the jungle, the mighty jungle ♪

♪ the lion sleeps tonight ♪

♪ in the jungle, the quiet jungle ♪

♪ the lion sleeps tonight ♪

♪ oh, ooooooh ♪

♪ o-wim-o-weh ♪

Oh, come on, guys.

I got to work in the morning.

♪ hush, my darling, don't fear, my darling ♪

♪ the lion sleeps tonight ♪

♪ hush, my darling, don't fear, my darling ♪

Oh, please!

Please, I'm exhausted!

♪ ohh oooohhh ♪

Will you knock it off!

Aah!

♪ ohh oooohhh ♪

Stop singing!

Stop singing!

Stop it!

Stop it!

♪ o-wim-o-weh ♪

Hey, what's happenin'?

You guys didn't finish the song.

Oof!

Oof!

Come on, man--oof!

Clifford, clifford, get up! Get up!

We have a major problem.

You're telling me, sammy.

I'm doing my first political commentary

And two of my distinguished guests--

Cnn's larry king

And our very own mr. Poodlepants--

Have not yet shown up!

So you're scopin' out two happenin' cats

To hang out on your rap show.

I have no idea what you're talking about.

Just get me two guests for my show.

You don't want just anybody.

Yes, yes. I'm desperate.

I'll take anyone.

In that case, I got just the guys.

Oh, good. Thank you.

Mr. Larry king had better have a good excuse

For standing me up.

Uh-huh.

Oh!

Hoo hoo hoo hoo.

Hey, I'm larry king.

I'm a guest on the muppet show tonight.

Buzz me right in.

I'm sorry, sir. Your name again?

Larry king. They're expecting me.

I got to get in. Come on.

King. Larry king.

Larry king. I got a larry keen...

And I got a larry klimas.

No king. Have a good day.

I don't believe this. I'm larry king.

I'm on in 220 countries.

Oh, you tipped your hand there.

Oh, yeah. I know you're a phony.

Ha ha ha ha ha!

What are you talking about?

I know for a fact

That there are only 191 countries.

Here. Let me show you...

Now, uh, right,

Uh, right here, larry. Looky here.

There's one...

I don't believe this.

There's two...

And there's another one.

Three.

Four here.

[intro music plays]

And now it's time for politics and punditry

From the eagle's st.

Uh--ahem. Good day.

I am sam eagle

And let's talk politics.

Our distinguished panel today includes

Messrs. Andy and randy pig.

You're a pffft!

No, you're a pffft!

You're a double pffft!

With a pffft! On top.

Will you stop that!

[silence]

Ah.

Uh--ahem.

Our topic today is taxes.

What's your opinion of the new tax bill?

My name isn't bill.

Why are you calling him bill?

His name is randy.

Not randy. I'm andy.

Then I must be bill.

No. A x bi in the house.

Why attack bill in his house?

That's telling him, bill.

Thanks, bill.

And they say purgatory doesn't exist.

Here I am. Sorry I'm late.

The twirly-woo trolley

Stopped me at checkpoint chuckle,

'cause I didn't have my nonny-nonny passport.

That explanation's the most logical thing I've heard

In the past five minutes.

Mr. Poodlepants,

What is your opinion of taxes?

Oh, texas, the longhorn state!

And speaking of long horns...

Woo-hoo!

[deep breath]

♪      ♪ ♪

Avalanche!

Run for your life!

I'm way ahead of you!

Oh! Oh!

Don't be ridiculous!

We're in a sound stage.

There's not going to be--

Oh!

I'll get you for this, larry king, wherever you are.

[groans]

There you go. 172...

And there's, uh, 173.

Whew.

And, uh, 174.

Wait. St. Kitts and nevis are two countries.

No, no. No, sir.

It's a constitu--

No. No.

Constitutional monarchy. Single federation.

[groans]

Let's see--oh. Oh, great.

I--I lost my place.

O.K...

There we go. There's one...

There's two...

You following me, larry?

You with me?

He tradition

Of punsmoke and sappy trails,

Muppets tonight presents billy crystal

In city schtickers.

Here we are, three big city comedians

On a cattle drive, huh?

Exactly what we needed.

Just smell that fresh country air.

Fresh country air?

I smell stale dairy air.

Ah! Ah!

See what I did, kermit?

I took what you said, "The country air,"

And made it "Dairy," 'cause of the cows

And into a joke...

Rough canyon, I'll tell you that.

Hey, quit horsing around!

Ha ha! Ha ha!

It's bad when the horses are funnier than us.

Let's sing!

♪ he always sings ♪

♪ raggy music to the cattle as he swings ♪

♪ back and forward in the saddle on a horse ♪

♪ that is syncopated gated ♪

♪ and is such a funny meter ♪

♪ to the roar of his repeater ♪

♪ how they run ♪

♪ when you hear the fella's gun ♪

♪ because the western fol all know ♪

♪ he's a high-falutin', rootin'-tootin' ♪

♪ son of a gun from arizona ♪

♪ ragtime cowboy joe... ♪

Boy, that ended quick.

I must have be channeling roy rogers.

I think the cows liked it.

That cow in the maternity dress didn't like it.

Cows don't wear maternity dresses.

They wear moo-moos.

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Let's make a pact.

The next one who says a pun

Gets it right between the eyes.

[moans]

Billy, do something.

That cow's about to have a .

I can't. I ordered a decaf.

Oh. Oh.

You got me doing it.

Billy! Please! Help me!

[thud]

All right. I'll deliver the calf.

If you don't deliver it in 30 minutes, we get it free.

Stop it!

Aah!

Hurry!

Hey! Look what I made!

I made a...

Mommy! Mommy!

I made a mistake, that's what.

Let's sing. We have no ending.

Good idea.

♪ he's a high-falutin', rootin'-tootin' ♪

♪ son of a gun from arizona ♪

♪ ragtime cowboy joe ♪

No more singing!

Stampede!

Oh, no!

[rumbling]

That bit was breathtaking.

Careful. You may not have too many left.

Hoh hoh-hoh-hoh.

Nurse, my medication!

Get my nitroglycerin!

I'll just have a glass of warm milk.

Ha ha ha ha ha!

Johnny fiamma, comin' through!

Make way for johnny fia--

♪ a-wimoweh ♪

♪ ooh ooh... ♪

Take care. Bye-bye.

[roars]

Right back at you, buddy. Bye-bye.

Johnny fiamma! Comin' through!

Hold it, j. Fred muggs.

Johnny fiamma's booked on tonight's show.

T out of the way, smoky the butt-head!

That's one.

Let mes.

 we got johnny depp,

 uh, johnny ola,

rry king...

Oh, he is on the list.

Johnny fiamma's a very important performer.

So, hurry it up, yogi the--the...

Butt-head!

 that's two.

Listen to me, bear.

You let hnny fiamma in

Or I'll make a throw rug out of you

And put you in johnny's bathroom,

You--you grizzly...

Butt-head? Yeah!

And that's three.

Come here, you...

Ow! Aah!

Hey, sal, I'm not on tonight.

Ain't that a laugh?

Y-y-yeah, that's funny!

Come on, sal. Quit foolin' around.

Let's get out of here, huh?

Johnny fiamma's leaving the building!

[tires screech]

[horns honk]

Hey, sal,

That is one nutty way to stop a cab.

Ha ha ha ha.

Ready to cue camera one...

Cue camera one.

Set up for the bison bossa nova

In 3, 2, 1, cue.

Cue.

What? No! Camera one!

You tell billy the bad news.

You tell him.

You tell him.

Why should I have to tell him?

Because I'm the man, and you're the rat.

I got genetic seniority.

What bad news?

Uh... Uh...

Soylent green is people?

Everybody knows that.

What's the bad news?

They shot sonny on the causeway?

The national league adopted the dh?

We're not in kansas anymore? What?

It's about that band you put together.

I'm excited, too. This band is unbelievable.

You tell him.

You tell him.

Fellas! Fellas!

Somebody just tell me.

They didn't show.

No band, no bee-bop, billy.

We have to cancel the number.

We don't have to cancel the number.

We can do it.

How?

I'll do it with you guys.

I can't even clap.

You'd be surprised how much music's inside you.

And clifford's got lots of jazz.

That's what kept me up all night.

We can do this number.

Jazz is a feeling. It's deep inside you.

We can do this.

Hmm. Hmm.

♪ first you take some skins ♪

♪ jazz begins ♪

♪ and you take a bass ♪

♪ now we're gettin' someplace ♪

Yeah!

♪ take a rats ♪

♪ make 'em scats ♪

♪ scooba-doo ba-doo be-daw ♪

♪ take a blue horn ♪

♪ new orleans born ♪

Yeah!

Take a stick.

Man, what a lick!

Lick! Lick! Lick!

Take a bone!

♪ ba-ba-doo ba-ba-doo ♪

Et, phone home!

♪ zoo-bop ♪

Take a spot.

[scats]

Oy vey! That was hot!

[scats]

Now you has jazz, jazz.

Jazz! Jazz!

Jazz!

All right!

Can you dig it?

Yes, I can!

I knew that you could!

Ha ha-ha-ha!

♪ from the equator ♪

♪ from the equator ♪

♪ up to the pole ♪

♪ up to the pole ♪

♪ everybody's singin', everybody's swingin' ♪

♪ to that rock rock rock rock rock 'n' roll ♪

♪ from the east to the west ♪

♪ east to the west ♪

♪ from the coast to the coast ♪

♪ coast to the coast ♪

♪ jazz is the king ♪

♪ jazz is the thing ♪

♪ that folks ♪

Uhh!

♪ dig ♪ ♪ dig ♪

♪ most ♪

♪ sci-fi-fi-fi pow ♪

♪ ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba ♪

[imitating armstrong] and that's jazz.

Yes!

Did you feel that?

All over my body.

It came out from inside you.

Big time.

Big time.

Yeah, yeah! All right!

Let's give it up for mr. Billy crystal!

[applause]

You were wonderful! You were wonderful!

I had a great time.

And we didn't even need the all-star band.

I wonder whatever happened to that band?

Hmm. Hmm. Hmm.

I don't have anything listed for a billy crystal band.

No clinton.

No yeltsin.

No eastwood.

No reagan.

Please don't flirt with me, your majesty.

Back of the line, young lady.

Captioning made possible by jim henson productions, inc. And capital cities/abc, inc.