Episode 220: Petula Clark/transcript

00:00:08 [Knock on door]

00:00:10 Petula Clark! Twenty seconds to curtain, Miss Clark.

00:00:13 Right. Scooter, I hate to complain,

00:00:15 but there's a moose in my dressing room.

00:00:20 - Yeah, that's a mistake. - Well, I should hope so.

00:00:22 You're supposed to get the buffalo.

00:00:26 [Drumroll]

00:00:28 It's The Muppet Show, with our special guest star, Miss Petula Clark!

00:00:32 [Applause]

00:00:47 # Lt's time to play the music Lt's time to light the light

00:00:51 # Lt's time to meet the Muppets on The Muppet Show tonight

00:00:55 # Lt's time to put on makeup Lt's time to dress up right

00:00:59 # Lt's time to get things started

00:01:01 Well, it's downhill from here.

00:01:04 # Lt's time to get things started

00:01:05 # On the most sensational, inspirational

00:01:08 # Celebrational, Muppetational

00:01:10 # This is what we call The Muppet Show! #

00:01:17 [high-pitch squeak]

00:01:22 [Applause]

00:01:23 Thank you and welcome again to The Muppet Show.

00:01:25 Our special guest tonight

00:01:27 is one of the truly great international singing stars, Miss Petula Clark.

00:01:32 But first we...

00:01:34 What is this, a moose?

00:01:35 I was supposed to be a buffalo.

00:01:41 Just leave, OK?

00:01:43 All right. I'll be backstage reading the "moose-paper".

00:01:49 Would you get off that stage? Off, off, off!

00:01:55 [# A Sea Chantey]

00:03:55 - [All] Whoa! Whoa! - [Water splashing]

00:04:00 - Here. Catch! - [Splashing]

00:04:04 Waste of time. Nothing will save this show.

00:04:07 [Laughing]

00:04:09 Well, it wasn't my fault.

00:04:11 OK, nicely sung, guys.

00:04:13 Badly sailed, but nicely sung.

00:04:16 Haven't you men heard the old saying, "Women and captains first"?

00:04:21 Yeah, OK.

00:04:22 Let's see. Pet Clark is standing by, so...

00:04:24 - Hiya, frog. - Yes, hello again, moose.

00:04:30 Do you mind if I hang out backstage here awhile?

00:04:34 Well, I've got every other kind of animal. Why not a moose?

00:04:38 You got true grit, frog.

00:04:42 Yeah. By the way, what is your name?

00:04:45 - Mickey. - How about that? Mickey Moose.

00:04:49 Mickey Moose! Will you get out of my backstage?

00:04:52 Mickey Moose. Dumb name.

00:04:54 [Fanfare]

00:04:56 Uh, OK, well, anyhow,

00:04:58 now here she is, our very special guest.

00:05:00 Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Petula Clark.

00:05:16 [# Boy From Lpanema]

00:06:41 Hi, Petula.

00:06:46 We're doing the samba.

00:06:47 I'm trying to samba.

00:06:53 - Oh, boy. - Yeah.

00:07:45 Ah!

00:07:46 - [Song ends] - [Applause]

00:07:54 Well, that song brings back memories.

00:07:57 What memories?

00:07:58 I forgot.

00:08:02 [# Oh, Susanna playing on piano]

00:08:04 - [Chickens clucking] - [Glass shatters]

00:08:17 [Clucking]

00:08:20 [Clucking]

00:08:32 [Spurs jingling]

00:08:42 - [Coughing] - [Chicken laughing]

00:08:48 [Growling]

00:08:50 [Shuddering]

00:08:59 [Clucking]

00:09:11 [Screaming and squawking]

00:09:21 [Chewing]

00:09:25 [Sputtering]

00:09:28 - [Spitting] - [Chickens] Ooh!

00:09:45 [Sighing]

00:09:51 [Growling]

00:10:12 [Shooting continues]

00:10:21 [Gun clicking]

00:10:24 Uh-oh.

00:10:31 [Puff echoes]

00:10:32 - [Gunshot] - [Bullet hitting metal]

00:10:34 [Bullet whizzing]

00:10:40 [Screaming]

00:10:43 [# Oh, Susanna on piano]

00:11:00 OK. Good going, guys. I didn't understand it, but I loved it.

00:11:04 [Clucking]

00:11:05 - Hello, Kermit. - Hi, there, Pet.

00:11:07 - I hear you're not too happy tonight. - Where'd you get that idea?

00:11:11 I gather you're not thrilled about the moose, Mickey.

00:11:14 Oh, oh, oh, the moose?

00:11:16 Oh, listen, that's silly.

00:11:18 I'm not bothered by that at all.

00:11:20 - Really? - No.

00:11:21 Oh, terrific.

00:11:25 - Hit it, guys. - # M- L-C-K-E-Y M-O-O...

00:11:29 Will you guys cut that out!

00:11:30 [All laughing]

00:11:35 [Ballroom music playing]

00:11:42 I'd like to take you home to mother.

00:11:45 Really, Harold?

00:11:46 Yeah, maybe she could teach you how to dance.

00:11:51 Oh, wow. I really like being in your arms.

00:11:55 Yeah, me too.

00:11:59 Why is your mother trying to keep us apart?

00:12:02 I don't know. I'll ask her.

00:12:04 Mother, why are you trying to keep us apart?

00:12:10 I think my nose is too large.

00:12:13 Oh, Phyllis, you're blowing it all out of proportion.

00:12:19 - I know that. - Uh...

00:12:25 - [applause] - Ladies and gentlemen,

00:12:27 Switzerland has given us watches, chocolate and silliness.

00:12:31 We take you now to the Alps for the latter.

00:12:36 [# Upidee]

00:13:44 [Chattering]

00:13:49 [Fozzie] We're getting better.

00:14:26 [Playing piano]

00:14:38 Yeah, it's beautiful. You really can play that piano, Rowlf.

00:14:41 - What's your secret? - No secret.

00:14:43 - I just practice a lot. - Uh-huh.

00:14:45 [Plays arpeggio and misses note]

00:14:48 Well, so much for the "practice makes perfect" theory.

00:14:54 And what is this doing in there?

00:14:57 That's the piano tuna!

00:15:01 It should be OK now.

00:15:03 [Plays arpeggio perfectly]

00:15:07 Hey, nice job, fish. I'll pay you tomorrow.

00:15:09 I don't believe it. You pay a fish?

00:15:11 Yeah, but not much. He works for scale.

00:15:14 I think we'd better do our number, Rowlf.

00:15:17 [# Too Shy to Say]

00:17:19 [Applause]

00:17:25 That Petula Clark sure can carry a tune.

00:17:28 She's gotta do better than that tonight. She's gotta carry the whole show.

00:17:32 [Laughing]

00:17:35 Hi.

00:17:37 Uh, hello, yourself.

00:17:39 Remember me?

00:17:40 Mickey Moose?

00:17:42 How can I forget?

00:17:45 You don't have to get touchy about it.

00:17:49 Excuse me. Perchance have you seen a Mickey Moose around?

00:17:53 Uh, who wants to know?

00:17:54 Ronald. Ronald Duck.

00:17:57 - [Laughing] - Ronald Duck and Mickey Moose?

00:18:00 Would you guys get out of here? Come on, out!

00:18:02 It's a far, far better moose and duck you find before you.

00:18:07 [Announcer] And now, Veterinarian's Hospital.

00:18:10 The continuing story of a quack who's gone to the dogs.

00:18:18 Hey, nurse, how's this next patient?

00:18:20 Not groovy, Dr. Bob.

00:18:22 You better hurry, though. He's slipping fast.

00:18:25 Oh, maybe he's got slipping sickness.

00:18:27 [All laughing]

00:18:29 No, no, he must have something else.

00:18:32 He better have. Money, for one thing.

00:18:35 [Laughing]

00:18:36 You mean, you won't operate till you're paid?

00:18:39 Right. I don't make a cut till I take my cut.

00:18:43 [Laughing]

00:18:45 Dr. Bob, the patient is sinking fast.

00:18:49 - He is sinking. I don't understand it. - Quick, Dr. Bob.

00:18:53 - Quick what? - Quicksand.

00:18:54 [Laughing]

00:18:56 I don't understand that either.

00:18:58 [Echoing] Hey, I can't see a thing down here.

00:19:00 - Hand me a hypodermic needle. - What for?

00:19:02 - Just a shot in the dark. - [Laughing]

00:19:05 - Oh! Whoa! - Dr. Bob!

00:19:07 Oh, no! Oh!

00:19:09 - Dr. Bob? - Dr. Bob!

00:19:10 - Dr. Bob, are you all right? - Is he all right?

00:19:13 - [Screaming] - Oh, Miss Piggy!

00:19:15 [Janice] Oh, oh, oh, no!

00:19:18 Oh, wow. Oh! Oh, wow!

00:19:21 - What a downer. - [Crashing]

00:19:23 So, once again we come to the end of Veterinarian's Hospital.

00:19:27 Tune in next week when you'll hear Dr. Bob say...

00:19:31 At least I won't have to declare this on my income tax.

00:19:34 - Why not? - I got paid under the table.

00:19:37 [Both laughing]

00:19:42 I wish they had done that differently.

00:19:44 - How would you want them to do it? - Better.

00:19:47 [Both laughing]

00:19:52 [Humming]

00:20:02 [Speaking mock Swedish]

00:20:05 ...chocolate mousse.

00:20:09 ...chocolate...

00:20:11 [humming]

00:20:16 Yum, yum, yum! Chocolate...

00:20:21 Good, good chocolate.

00:20:23 Now, the mousse.

00:20:25 Moose, moose. Come here, the moose!

00:20:30 And the chocolate on the moose.

00:20:32 [Humming]

00:20:35 Wait a minute, wait a minute. You cannot... Stop. Curtain. Cut!

00:20:40 - Hey, Petula? - Yes?

00:20:42 Have you seen the set for your closing number?

00:20:44 - No Scooter, I haven't. What's it like? - Oh, it's sensational.

00:20:47 - Yeah. It's a fountain with real water! - Wow.

00:20:50 And it's 15 feet high. And it's made of real glass.

00:20:54 - Glass? - Yeah. It's the prettiest thing...

00:20:57 [Kermit] Hey, would you get that moose out of here?

00:20:59 - Look out! - [Crashing]

00:21:02 [Glass shattering]

00:21:14 Cancel the fountain.

00:21:18 Um, um, Miss Clark, there's been a little bit of trouble.

00:21:21 Yes, I know. Well, look, it doesn't matter.

00:21:24 We can do without the fountain.

00:21:25 That lovely spray of flowers will be perfect.

00:21:28 Oh. Well, about those flowers...

00:21:30 - Yes? - The moose ate them.

00:21:34 Oh.

00:21:35 It doesn't matter. We don't need that fancy decor.

00:21:38 It's the kind of song that will work anywhere. It'll be OK.

00:21:41 - It will. Really? - Yeah.

00:21:44 [# Tomorrow]

00:24:10 [Applause]

00:24:16 OK, that's just about the end of the show.

00:24:18 But before we go, let us have a warm thank you for our special guest star.

00:24:23 Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Petula Clark!

00:24:26 - [Applause] - Thank you!

00:24:28 Thank you. Thank you.

00:24:29 I had a fabulous time, Kermit.

00:24:31 - Oh, good. - I loved all the acts.

00:24:34 I think the Muppets are fabulous and I'm crazy about the moose.

00:24:38 Now, that's my kind of woman.

00:24:41 OK, we'll see you next time on The Mickey... The Muppet Show!

00:25:23 All right, frog, we watched the show!

00:25:25 Yeah. Unlock the doors.