Episode 306: Jean Stapleton/transcript

2 00:00:08,666 --> 00:00:09,900 [knocking on door]

3 00:00:10,699 --> 00:00:14,036 Jean Stapleton, 30 seconds to curtain, Miss Stapleton.

4 00:00:14,099 --> 00:00:15,768 Thank you.

5 00:00:15,833 --> 00:00:18,936 - Good luck, Miss Stapleton. - Good luck, Miss Stapleton.

6 00:00:19,000 --> 00:00:21,235 Thank you.

7 00:00:21,300 --> 00:00:22,968 Thank you.

8 00:00:26,199 --> 00:00:28,769 There's just one thing l've got to remember.

9 00:00:28,833 --> 00:00:31,202 l am normal.

10 00:00:31,266 --> 00:00:35,236 [gasps] Jean, get a grip on yourself.

11 00:00:35,299 --> 00:00:36,901 Oh, no, l didn't mean that!

12 00:00:36,966 --> 00:00:38,400 No, please!

13 00:00:38,466 --> 00:00:39,900 [drum roll]

14 00:00:39,966 --> 00:00:42,635 It's The Muppet Show with our vey special guest star,

15 00:00:42,700 --> 00:00:45,836 Miss Jean Stapleton! Yay!

16 00:00:45,899 --> 00:00:47,868 [cheering and applause]

17 00:00:59,433 --> 00:01:03,336 It's time to light the light
 * 1) It's time to play the music

18 00:01:03,399 --> 00:01:07,370 on The Muppet Show tonight
 * 1) It's time to meet the Muppets

19 00:01:07,433 --> 00:01:11,470 It's time to dress up right
 * 1) It's time to put on makeup

20 00:01:11,533 --> 00:01:13,534
 * 1) It's time to get things started

21 00:01:13,599 --> 00:01:15,835
 * 1) Why don't you get things started?

22 00:01:15,900 --> 00:01:20,037 - Think we'll be entertained tonight? - l will. l brought a book.

23 00:01:20,099 --> 00:01:22,135
 * 1) It's time to get things started

24 00:01:22,200 --> 00:01:24,235
 * 1) On the most sensational, inspirational

25 00:01:24,299 --> 00:01:26,602
 * 1) Celebrational, Muppetational

26 00:01:26,666 --> 00:01:32,671 The Muppet Show #
 * 1) This is what we call

27 00:01:33,166 --> 00:01:34,500 [gasps]

28 00:01:38,400 --> 00:01:40,568 - [applause] - Thank you, thank you.

29 00:01:40,633 --> 00:01:42,267 Welcome again to rhe Muppet Show.

30 00:01:42,333 --> 00:01:46,003 The show they said would never get off the ground.

31 00:01:46,066 --> 00:01:47,467 Uh, they were right.

32 00:01:48,266 --> 00:01:51,435 But we are fortunate enough to have with us as our special guest,

33 00:01:51,500 --> 00:01:54,970 a wonderFul actress and television star, Miss Jean Stapleton.

34 00:01:55,033 --> 00:01:57,635 - Kermit, excuse me, excuse me. - What is it, Fozzie?

35 00:01:57,700 --> 00:01:59,768 - l gotta tell you what happened. - Mm-hmm.

36 00:01:59,833 --> 00:02:02,468 [stammers] When we were booking Jean for the show,

37 00:02:02,533 --> 00:02:04,968 l was expecting a call from my tailor.

38 00:02:05,033 --> 00:02:06,401 - Your tailor? - Yeah.

39 00:02:06,466 --> 00:02:10,603 When a guy phoned and asked me if l liked Jean Stapleton

40 00:02:10,666 --> 00:02:13,135 l said that l don't wear ieans

41 00:02:13,199 --> 00:02:16,970 and l certainly wouldn't want them stapled on.

42 00:02:17,033 --> 00:02:19,001 Stapled on.

43 00:02:19,066 --> 00:02:21,868 Jeans... ears.

44 00:02:22,433 --> 00:02:25,469 [groans] Help me.

45 00:02:27,199 --> 00:02:29,435 ls it too late to go into hibernation?

46 00:02:30,099 --> 00:02:32,569 - Yes, by about mo minutes. - Gotcha.

47 00:02:35,466 --> 00:02:38,101 Well, we'd like to get the show off to a great start,

48 00:02:38,166 --> 00:02:41,035 but having failed that, Iet's head for the border!

49 00:02:41,099 --> 00:02:43,802 [# Tico Tico]

50 00:02:45,666 --> 00:02:47,968
 * 1) Tico Tico, Tico Tico Tock

51 00:02:48,033 --> 00:02:49,901 in my clock
 * 1) Tico Tico, he's the cuckoo

52 00:02:49,966 --> 00:02:52,335 he means it's time to woo
 * 1) And when he says cuckoo

53 00:02:52,400 --> 00:02:54,502 the lovers on the block
 * 1) It's Tico time for all

54 00:02:54,566 --> 00:02:56,634 _ tête-à-tête at eight
 * 1) l've got a heavy date

55 00:02:56,699 --> 00:02:58,735 tell me if it's getting late
 * 1) So speak, oh, Tico,

56 00:02:58,800 --> 00:03:01,235 But if l'm late, w_woo
 * 1) If l'm on time, cuckoo

57 00:03:01,300 --> 00:03:03,301 may not want to wait
 * 1) The one my heart is gone to

58 00:03:03,366 --> 00:03:05,634 and a birdie who goes nowhere
 * 1) Forjust a birdie

59 00:03:05,699 --> 00:03:07,768 and how to go there
 * 1) He knows of evey lover's lane

60 00:03:07,833 --> 00:03:09,868 my Tico's terribly smart
 * 1) For in affairs of the heart

61 00:03:09,933 --> 00:03:12,068 sentimentally at the start!''
 * 1) He tells me, ''Gently

62 00:03:12,133 --> 00:03:14,335 Tico Tico calling
 * Oh, we hear the little

63 00:03:14,400 --> 00:03:16,502 and shades of night are falling
 * 1) Because the time is right

64 00:03:16,566 --> 00:03:18,768 cuckoo in the clock
 * 1) l love that not-s_cuckoo

65 00:03:18,833 --> 00:03:21,302 Tico Tock
 * 1) Tico Tico Tico Tico

66 00:03:21,366 --> 00:03:25,536 [all trilling, shouting]

67 00:03:38,199 --> 00:03:40,869 and a birdie who goes nowhere
 * 1) Forjust a birdie

68 00:03:40,933 --> 00:03:43,101 and how to go there
 * 1) He knows of evey lover's lane

69 00:03:43,166 --> 00:03:45,301 My Tico's terribly smart
 * 1) For in affairs of the heart

70 00:03:45,366 --> 00:03:47,434 sentimentally at the start!''
 * 1) He tells me, ''Gently

71 00:03:47,500 --> 00:03:49,802 Tico Tico calling
 * Oh, we hear the little

72 00:03:49,866 --> 00:03:51,934 and shades of night are falling
 * 1) Because the time is right

73 00:03:52,000 --> 00:03:54,302 cuckoo in the clock
 * 1) l love that not-s_cuckoo

74 00:03:54,366 --> 00:03:56,868 cuckoo in the clock
 * 1) She loves that not-s_cuckoo

75 00:03:58,533 --> 00:04:01,102 Tico Tock #
 * 1) Tico Tico Tico Tico

76 00:04:01,166 --> 00:04:03,301 [all cheering]

77 00:04:09,133 --> 00:04:11,001 Am l crazy or was that good?

78 00:04:11,066 --> 00:04:13,034 You're crazy.

79 00:04:14,066 --> 00:04:16,268 l thought so.

80 00:04:16,333 --> 00:04:19,135 - OK, nice number. - [indistinct chatter]

81 00:04:19,199 --> 00:04:21,769 Tico Tico. Ahh.

82 00:04:21,833 --> 00:04:23,968 No pictures backstage. Out, out!

83 00:04:26,033 --> 00:04:28,368 Buenos djas, Señor Kermit.

84 00:04:28,433 --> 00:04:30,535 Gonzo, you weren't in that last number.

85 00:04:30,600 --> 00:04:32,969 No. l'm learning Spanish for my new act.

86 00:04:33,033 --> 00:04:35,702 - Oh, OK. - Yeah, you have to learn Spanish

87 00:04:35,766 --> 00:04:38,168 if you're gonna train Mexican jumping beans.

88 00:04:38,933 --> 00:04:41,101 - Uh, makes sense. - Gracias.

89 00:04:41,166 --> 00:04:43,568 - l'm gonna go rehearse now. - Great. _diós.

90 00:04:44,433 --> 00:04:46,535 What?

91 00:04:46,600 --> 00:04:48,735 - Uh, goodbye. - Oh, goodbye.

92 00:04:48,800 --> 00:04:51,969 - _diós. Whatever. - [snickering]

93 00:04:52,633 --> 00:04:54,634 Kermit, look!

94 00:04:54,699 --> 00:04:58,303 They're gone! My Mexican jumping beans were in this dish and they're gone!

95 00:04:58,366 --> 00:05:00,601 Well, maybe, uh, somebody ate them.

96 00:05:02,166 --> 00:05:05,435 Ate my stars? Kermit.

97 00:05:05,500 --> 00:05:08,369 - It wasn't you, was it? - Uh, no, Gonzo, it wasn't me.

98 00:05:08,433 --> 00:05:11,135 l know how to find out. All l have to do is say ''_rriba. ''

99 00:05:11,199 --> 00:05:13,702 - Ah! Ah! - Arriba.

100 00:05:13,766 --> 00:05:15,367 - Arriba. - Ah!

101 00:05:15,433 --> 00:05:17,568 - Animal! Come back here! - What?

102 00:05:17,633 --> 00:05:19,534 You ate my stars!

103 00:05:19,600 --> 00:05:22,436 Animal, you gotta get on stage for the band!

104 00:05:22,500 --> 00:05:24,635 [both shouting]

105 00:05:24,699 --> 00:05:27,069
 * Arriba! ;Arriba!

106 00:05:27,133 --> 00:05:29,401
 * Arriba!

107 00:05:29,466 --> 00:05:33,603 [groans] l hope he doesn't eat my wal_ing walnuts.

108 00:05:34,733 --> 00:05:35,800 [dish breaks]

109 00:05:36,466 --> 00:05:39,802 And now, ladies and gentlemen, it's time for our special guest star,

110 00:05:39,866 --> 00:05:44,203 comedian, actress, singer and vey nice lady, Miss Jean Stapleton.

111 00:05:46,733 --> 00:05:49,902 [band plays orchestral music]

112 00:05:52,766 --> 00:05:55,235 Uh, gentlemen, lady...

113 00:05:55,300 --> 00:05:58,202 - What? - What seems to be the problem, Jean?

114 00:05:58,366 --> 00:06:01,268 Well, uh, that music, it doesn't seem to be the right music.

115 00:06:01,333 --> 00:06:04,335 - May l see it, please? - It seems normal to me.

116 00:06:04,399 --> 00:06:09,004 Yeah, just your ordinay, vey elaborate pretentious orchestration.

117 00:06:10,033 --> 00:06:13,770 - What's it called? - Elaborate Pretensions for Orchestras.

118 00:06:15,833 --> 00:06:18,869 Uh, couldn't we just do that nice, simple piece?

119 00:06:18,933 --> 00:06:21,735 Well, how about a nice, simple Latin American riff?

120 00:06:21,800 --> 00:06:24,636 - [hums a tune] - ;Arriba!

121 00:06:26,733 --> 00:06:30,069 - No Latin stuff tonight. - No. No, thank you.

122 00:06:30,133 --> 00:06:35,271 lt's that sweet, simple duet that l rehearsed with Fozzie.

123 00:06:35,333 --> 00:06:37,568 - Where is Fozzie? - l know how that one goes.

124 00:06:37,633 --> 00:06:39,434 - It goes like this... - [piano plays]

125 00:06:39,500 --> 00:06:41,001 Oh, yes. Thank you. That's it.

126 00:06:41,066 --> 00:06:44,169 [# Play a Simple Melody]

127 00:06:44,899 --> 00:06:47,802
 * 1) Won't you play

128 00:06:47,866 --> 00:06:52,003
 * 1) A simple melody

129 00:06:52,066 --> 00:06:54,835
 * 1) Like my mother

130 00:06:54,899 --> 00:06:57,802
 * 1) Sang to me

131 00:06:59,133 --> 00:07:02,769
 * 1) One with good old-fashioned

132 00:07:02,833 --> 00:07:05,902
 * 1) Harmony

133 00:07:05,966 --> 00:07:09,269
 * 1) Play a simple

134 00:07:09,333 --> 00:07:10,967
 * 1) Melody

135 00:07:11,033 --> 00:07:14,169 - Fozzie? Fozzie? - Here l am, Jean.

136 00:07:14,233 --> 00:07:17,135 - You forgot something. - Oh, l never forget.

137 00:07:17,199 --> 00:07:20,403 - Where's your ukulele? - Oh, l forgot!

138 00:07:21,100 --> 00:07:23,569 You're a dingbat.

139 00:07:23,633 --> 00:07:25,401 l was only kidding.

140 00:07:25,966 --> 00:07:26,966 Go!

141 00:07:27,033 --> 00:07:30,102 Set your honey a-dreamin'
 * 1) Musical demon

142 00:07:30,166 --> 00:07:32,401
 * 1) Won't you play me some rag

143 00:07:32,466 --> 00:07:35,969
 * 1) Just change that classical nag

144 00:07:36,033 --> 00:07:39,369
 * 1) To some sweet beautiful drag

145 00:07:39,433 --> 00:07:42,269
 * 1) If you will play from a copy

146 00:07:42,333 --> 00:07:44,168
 * 1) Of a tune that is choppy

147 00:07:44,233 --> 00:07:46,501
 * 1) You'll get all my applause

148 00:07:46,566 --> 00:07:49,568
 * 1) And that is simply because

149 00:07:49,633 --> 00:07:52,002
 * 1) l want to listen to rag

150 00:07:54,399 --> 00:07:58,137 Set your honey a-dreamin'
 * 1) Musical demon

151 00:07:58,199 --> 00:08:01,303 - # Won't you play me some rag - # Play a simple melody

152 00:08:01,366 --> 00:08:04,102 - # Just change that classical nag - # Like my mother

153 00:08:04,166 --> 00:08:07,469 - # To some sweet beautiful drag - # Sang to me

154 00:08:07,533 --> 00:08:11,036 - # If you will play from a copy - # One with

155 00:08:11,100 --> 00:08:12,334 - # Of a tune that is choppy - # Good old-fashioned

156 00:08:12,399 --> 00:08:14,602 - # You'll get all my applause - # Harmony

157 00:08:14,666 --> 00:08:18,302 - # And that is simply because - # Play a simple

158 00:08:18,366 --> 00:08:21,168 - # l want to listen to rag - # Melody

159 00:08:21,233 --> 00:08:22,667 Come on, eveybody! Sing!

160 00:08:22,733 --> 00:08:25,836 Set your honey a-dreamin'
 * 1) Musical demon

161 00:08:25,899 --> 00:08:28,636 - # Won't you play me some rag - # Play a simple melody

162 00:08:28,699 --> 00:08:32,003 - # Just change that classical nag - # Like my mother

163 00:08:32,066 --> 00:08:35,402 - # To some sweet beautiful drag - # Sang to me

164 00:08:35,466 --> 00:08:38,001 - # If you will play from a copy - # One with

165 00:08:38,066 --> 00:08:40,201 - # Of a tune that is choppy - # Good old-fashioned

166 00:08:40,266 --> 00:08:42,334 - # You'll get all my applause - # Harmony

167 00:08:42,399 --> 00:08:45,503 - # And that is simply because - # Play a simple

168 00:08:45,566 --> 00:08:48,201 - # l want to listen to rag - # Melody

169 00:08:48,266 --> 00:08:51,168 - Now you! - # l want to listen to rag

170 00:08:51,233 --> 00:08:54,869 Me!
 * 1) l want to listen to rag

171 00:08:54,933 --> 00:09:00,505 - Now eveyone! - # l want to listen to rag #

172 00:09:07,566 --> 00:09:09,968 Boy, that number was something else!

173 00:09:10,033 --> 00:09:12,602 - You mean it was good? - No, it was something else.

174 00:09:14,166 --> 00:09:17,302 OK, 13 and 75...

175 00:09:17,366 --> 00:09:19,835 Sandwich! Here's your sandwich, frog!

176 00:09:19,899 --> 00:09:23,003 - Gladys, l didn't order a sandwich. - What?!

177 00:09:24,033 --> 00:09:27,903 Look, somebody ordered a sandwich from the canteen. Now who was it?

178 00:09:27,966 --> 00:09:30,034 l don't know. You'll have to ask around.

179 00:09:30,100 --> 00:09:31,534 l'm too busy. You do it.

180 00:09:31,600 --> 00:09:33,535 Gladys, l'm tying to put on a show.

181 00:09:33,600 --> 00:09:35,268 Well, big deal!

182 00:09:36,266 --> 00:09:38,334 Look, l got a full grill downstairs.

183 00:09:38,399 --> 00:09:42,103 Got six burgers on, couple of steaks and mo lobsters.

184 00:09:42,166 --> 00:09:44,234 Lobsters? Since when are they on the menu?

185 00:09:44,299 --> 00:09:48,604 They're not on the menu. The lobsters ordered the steak!

186 00:09:50,000 --> 00:09:52,335 Why don't you iust leave the sandwich?

187 00:09:52,399 --> 00:09:55,569 - It ain't been paid for yet. - Well, you can charge it to the show.

188 00:09:55,633 --> 00:09:58,302 - Are you nuts? - Take it back, sell it to someone else!

189 00:09:58,366 --> 00:10:01,836 Who's gonna buy a walnut lima bean sandwich?

190 00:10:01,899 --> 00:10:05,003 [groans] Walnut and lima bean, is that what it is?

191 00:10:05,066 --> 00:10:08,903 - Yeah. - Gonzo, your lunch is here!

192 00:10:09,700 --> 00:10:11,968 [unintelligible]

193 00:10:12,033 --> 00:10:14,301 - Take it back. - What's the matter with it?

194 00:10:14,366 --> 00:10:16,334 You forgot the ielly.

195 00:10:18,366 --> 00:10:20,067 Show business!

196 00:10:21,466 --> 00:10:24,936 [music plays]

197 00:10:28,733 --> 00:10:31,268 Oh, l'm so happy.

198 00:10:31,333 --> 00:10:32,767 Why is that?

199 00:10:32,833 --> 00:10:37,304 Because we're out together dancing cheek to cheek to cheek.

200 00:10:39,066 --> 00:10:42,402 Hey, waiter, can you break a ten?

201 00:10:42,466 --> 00:10:44,100 Certainly.

202 00:10:47,333 --> 00:10:49,101 Don't mention it.

203 00:10:49,666 --> 00:10:52,101 l wish l hadn't.

204 00:10:54,700 --> 00:10:57,235 Oh, l see you don't have much to say.

205 00:10:59,866 --> 00:11:03,469 - l don't understand that. - You have to think about it.

206 00:11:06,700 --> 00:11:10,336 Wait a minute! You've got a fish sticking out of your ear.

207 00:11:10,399 --> 00:11:12,602 Yes, it's my herring aid.

208 00:11:14,100 --> 00:11:17,436 - Transistorized? - No, marinated.

209 00:11:21,333 --> 00:11:24,602 l see you still don't have much to say.

210 00:11:24,666 --> 00:11:28,036 Um, l've thought about it. l still don't understand it.

211 00:11:29,833 --> 00:11:32,769 Oh, Laticia, l love you.

212 00:11:32,833 --> 00:11:36,236 Say, are you pulling my leg?

213 00:11:36,299 --> 00:11:38,135 No, why?

214 00:11:38,200 --> 00:11:40,468 lt iust dropped off.

215 00:11:43,466 --> 00:11:45,601 l don't get that either.

216 00:11:50,966 --> 00:11:52,801 Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

217 00:11:52,866 --> 00:11:56,636 l would now like to sing a vey pre_ little song

218 00:11:56,700 --> 00:11:59,402 accompanied by my doggy friend.

219 00:11:59,466 --> 00:12:01,634 [# Daddy Wouldn't Buy Me a Bow Wow]

220 00:12:01,700 --> 00:12:04,135
 * 1) l love my little cat, l do

221 00:12:04,200 --> 00:12:06,035
 * 1) It's coat is, oh, so warm

222 00:12:06,100 --> 00:12:08,635 with me to school
 * 1) It comes each day

223 00:12:08,700 --> 00:12:10,468
 * 1) And sits upon the form

224 00:12:10,533 --> 00:12:12,968 ''Why do you bring
 * 1) When teacher says

225 00:12:13,033 --> 00:12:15,034
 * 1) That little pet of yours?''

226 00:12:15,100 --> 00:12:17,702
 * 1) l tell her that l bring my cat

227 00:12:17,766 --> 00:12:21,269
 * 1) Along with me because

228 00:12:21,333 --> 00:12:24,803
 * 1) Daddy wouldn't buy me a bow wow

229 00:12:24,866 --> 00:12:25,866
 * 1) Bow wow

230 00:12:25,933 --> 00:12:28,702
 * 1) Daddy wouldn't buy me a bow wow

231 00:12:28,766 --> 00:12:29,766
 * 1) Bow wow

232 00:12:29,833 --> 00:12:32,835 And l'm vey fond ofthat
 * 1) l've got a little cat

233 00:12:32,899 --> 00:12:37,170 Wow, wow, wow, wow
 * 1) But l'd rather have a bow wow

234 00:12:37,233 --> 00:12:40,803 l can't go on. It's humiliating to be called a bow wow.

235 00:12:40,866 --> 00:12:45,337 - But it's only a song, Rowlf. - l refuse to do it, Miss Oink Oink.

236 00:12:46,566 --> 00:12:49,235 - Sing, flea bag. - Uh, yes sir.

237 00:12:50,566 --> 00:12:53,735
 * 1) l'll be so glad when l get old

238 00:12:53,799 --> 00:12:55,935
 * 1) To do just as l please

239 00:12:56,000 --> 00:12:58,268
 * 1) l'll have a dozen bow wows then

240 00:12:58,333 --> 00:13:00,301
 * 1) A parrot and some bees

241 00:13:00,366 --> 00:13:02,501
 * 1) Whene'er l see a little pet

242 00:13:02,566 --> 00:13:04,668
 * 1) l'll kiss the tiny thing

243 00:13:04,733 --> 00:13:07,869
 * 1) 'Twill remind me of the time gone by

244 00:13:07,933 --> 00:13:12,937
 * 1) When l would cy and sing

245 00:13:13,000 --> 00:13:16,136
 * 1) Daddy wouldn't buy me a bow wow

246 00:13:16,200 --> 00:13:17,200 Bark bark.

247 00:13:17,266 --> 00:13:19,735
 * 1) Daddy wouldn't buy me a bow wow

248 00:13:19,799 --> 00:13:22,135 - Meow. - # l've got a little cat

249 00:13:22,200 --> 00:13:23,968
 * 1) l am vey fond of that

250 00:13:24,033 --> 00:13:28,170 Wow, wow, wow, wow
 * 1) But l'd rather have a bow wow

251 00:13:28,233 --> 00:13:32,003 - # Daddy wouldn't buy me a bow wow - Oink oink.

252 00:13:32,066 --> 00:13:35,969 - # Daddy wouldn't buy me a bow wow - Bow wow.

253 00:13:36,033 --> 00:13:38,769 l am vey fond ofthat
 * 1) l've got a little cat

254 00:13:38,833 --> 00:13:43,604
 * 1) But l'd rather have a bow wow wow #

255 00:13:48,700 --> 00:13:50,568 Uh, Miss Stapleton,

256 00:13:50,633 --> 00:13:55,270 l hope you are surviving your ordeal on this unsavoy program.

257 00:13:55,333 --> 00:13:58,102 - Oh. [chuckles] - l mean, you obviously are a woman

258 00:13:58,166 --> 00:14:00,034 whose taste is impeccable.

259 00:14:00,100 --> 00:14:03,736 - Oh, thank you, but l'm enjoying it. - Hmm.

260 00:14:03,799 --> 00:14:07,904 l'm having a lot of fun. l guess that means my taste is, um...

261 00:14:07,966 --> 00:14:10,034 ...peckable.

262 00:14:11,000 --> 00:14:13,502 Peckable. [muttering]

263 00:14:13,566 --> 00:14:18,137 Oh, speaking of language, can l ask you a question about the Swedish Chef?

264 00:14:18,200 --> 00:14:20,769 The Swedish Chef? [scoffs] What about him?

265 00:14:20,833 --> 00:14:26,038 Well, you all know around here that he doesn't speak real Swedish?

266 00:14:27,333 --> 00:14:29,902 - He what?! - No, he doesn't.

267 00:14:29,966 --> 00:14:32,601 He... Uh, send in the Chef!

268 00:14:32,666 --> 00:14:35,702 Send in the Chef! Imagine.

269 00:14:35,766 --> 00:14:39,603 All these years, you mean he has been speaking mock Swedish?

270 00:14:39,666 --> 00:14:41,834 Don't be too hard on him.

271 00:14:41,899 --> 00:14:46,304 - Well, l have never... Where is he? - [mock Swedish]

272 00:14:46,366 --> 00:14:49,836 Oh. He said he got here as soon as he could.

273 00:14:51,899 --> 00:14:55,603 Well... Well, you tell him that from now...

274 00:14:57,266 --> 00:14:59,401 How do you know what he said?

275 00:14:59,466 --> 00:15:03,770 Oh, l took a correspondence course once in mock Swedish.

276 00:15:06,799 --> 00:15:09,802 [speaking mock Swedish]

277 00:15:18,533 --> 00:15:21,002 - Oh, he admits the whole thing. - Mmm.

278 00:15:21,066 --> 00:15:23,601 - He says he doesn't speak real Swedish. - Hmm.

279 00:15:23,666 --> 00:15:26,268 Well, you tell him that this must end.

280 00:15:26,333 --> 00:15:29,369 He must stop speaking mock Swedish,

281 00:15:29,433 --> 00:15:32,002 and speak honestly and normally.

282 00:15:32,066 --> 00:15:33,167 Oh, all right.

283 00:15:33,233 --> 00:15:34,767 - [mock Swedish] - Well...

284 00:15:34,833 --> 00:15:37,235 [speaking mock Swedish]

285 00:15:48,399 --> 00:15:50,502 - __. - What?

286 00:15:50,566 --> 00:15:53,568 He admits the error of his ways.

287 00:15:53,633 --> 00:15:57,670 And he says from now on he'll speak only in his native tongue.

288 00:15:57,733 --> 00:16:01,470 - Mmm. Good. - [speaks mock Japanese]

289 00:16:10,466 --> 00:16:12,568 What, uh, what did he say?

290 00:16:12,633 --> 00:16:14,468 [laughs] Oh, l don't know.

291 00:16:14,533 --> 00:16:16,701 l don't speak mock Japanese.

292 00:16:18,533 --> 00:16:22,003 Wayne, Deadly and Annie Sue on stage for the melodrama.

293 00:16:22,066 --> 00:16:24,835 - [growls] - Miss Piggy, what are you doing here?

294 00:16:24,899 --> 00:16:26,534 You're not even in the melodrama.

295 00:16:26,600 --> 00:16:30,070 Mm-hmm. You are not the first to notice.

296 00:16:30,133 --> 00:16:33,936 But Miss Piggy, l never even thought of putting you in the melodrama.

297 00:16:34,000 --> 00:16:36,135 l thought of putting you in the hospital.

298 00:16:36,200 --> 00:16:40,203 Uh, yeah, but see you wouldn't want to be in the melodrama, it's a small part.

299 00:16:41,233 --> 00:16:44,469 - How small? - It's a vey small part,

300 00:16:44,533 --> 00:16:48,203 and l can't give a vey small part like that to a big star like you.

301 00:16:48,266 --> 00:16:51,369 Oh, well, hmm... l see your point.

302 00:16:51,433 --> 00:16:53,735 Yeah, so l thought l'd give it to Annie Sue.

303 00:16:53,799 --> 00:16:56,202 - She needs experience. - She needs talent.

304 00:16:56,733 --> 00:17:01,270 Oh, Mr. Kermit, sir, please don't make me do the melodrama.

305 00:17:01,333 --> 00:17:04,202 [stammers] But it's your first chance at a dramatic role.

306 00:17:04,266 --> 00:17:07,402 l know, but l'm too scared.

307 00:17:07,466 --> 00:17:10,402 Oh, Annie Sue, you'll be just fine, really.

308 00:17:10,466 --> 00:17:13,635 All right, break! Give it a rest, frog!

309 00:17:13,700 --> 00:17:15,601 - [stammers] - Excuse us.

310 00:17:15,666 --> 00:17:20,303 Kermie, it is obvious that the child is unprofessional.

311 00:17:20,366 --> 00:17:23,569 Annie Sue, go to your room.

312 00:17:23,633 --> 00:17:25,668 [sobbing]

313 00:17:25,733 --> 00:17:27,835 Oh, brother.

314 00:17:28,066 --> 00:17:31,202 - [stammers] But... - l will save the show, Kermie.

315 00:17:31,266 --> 00:17:35,169 The part shall be played by moi.

316 00:17:36,833 --> 00:17:38,568 Uh... by you, Miss Piggy?

317 00:17:38,633 --> 00:17:40,434 Yes.

318 00:17:41,533 --> 00:17:45,169 OK. Hey, guys, tie Piggy to the railroad tracks.

319 00:17:45,233 --> 00:17:48,569 - [indistinct chatter] - [shouting]

320 00:17:50,266 --> 00:17:52,668 [piano music]

321 00:17:52,733 --> 00:17:55,936 - [whimpering] - [evil cackle]

322 00:17:56,466 --> 00:18:00,670 Now, for the last time, will you mary me?

323 00:18:00,733 --> 00:18:02,334 [audience boos and hisses]

324 00:18:02,400 --> 00:18:05,302 For the last time, never, you scoundrel!

325 00:18:05,366 --> 00:18:07,835 Oh, where is my hero?

326 00:18:08,566 --> 00:18:12,403 Never fear, my pet, l will save you.

327 00:18:12,466 --> 00:18:14,601 - [cheering] - My hero!

328 00:18:15,066 --> 00:18:16,834 Wayne?

329 00:18:16,900 --> 00:18:19,702 Curses, foiled again.

330 00:18:19,766 --> 00:18:24,070 - Isn't this a double-overhand knot? - Yes, it is.

331 00:18:24,133 --> 00:18:27,269 l haven't seen those since l left the Junior Swamp Scouts.

332 00:18:27,333 --> 00:18:30,636 You were in the Junior Swamp Scouts, too?

333 00:18:30,700 --> 00:18:33,569 - Troop 37. - Troop 37?

334 00:18:33,633 --> 00:18:37,370 Junior Swamp Scouts never blue.

335 00:18:37,433 --> 00:18:40,869 A Junior Swamp Scout's always true.

336 00:18:40,933 --> 00:18:43,302 Always ready to save the day.

337 00:18:43,366 --> 00:18:46,702 [both] We're Junior Swamp Scouts. Hooray, hooray!

338 00:18:48,333 --> 00:18:51,969 - l don't believe this. - Uh-oh!

339 00:18:52,033 --> 00:18:54,869 You got the double sheep's head wrong.

340 00:18:54,933 --> 00:18:57,669 - It goes like this. - You'll suffer for this, guys.

341 00:18:58,900 --> 00:19:01,736 Remember? The rabbit runs around the tree mice,

342 00:19:01,799 --> 00:19:03,768 and then goes in his hole.

343 00:19:03,833 --> 00:19:07,169 - Oh! Now l get it. - Who cares?

344 00:19:07,233 --> 00:19:10,703 - There. She'll never get out of that. - Hey.

345 00:19:10,766 --> 00:19:13,168 - You remember... - Hey, guys! Hey!

346 00:19:13,233 --> 00:19:16,002 Hey... Oh, that does it!

347 00:19:16,066 --> 00:19:18,134 [grunting]

348 00:19:18,200 --> 00:19:19,834 Where's that frog?

349 00:19:19,900 --> 00:19:21,401 Where's that frog?

350 00:19:21,466 --> 00:19:26,337 Kermit? Kermit, of all the lousy cheap shots you ever pulled on me...

351 00:19:26,400 --> 00:19:28,235 l know, Miss Piggy. l'm sory.

352 00:19:28,299 --> 00:19:31,803 l didn't realize that whole sketch was going to get that far out of hand.

353 00:19:31,866 --> 00:19:35,369 - Oh, please forgive me. - [shouts]

354 00:19:36,900 --> 00:19:39,168 You're forgiven.

355 00:19:39,966 --> 00:19:42,702 - Whoa! - Wardrobe!

356 00:19:50,833 --> 00:19:52,701 - [sighs] - Dr. Bunsen Honeydew

357 00:19:52,766 --> 00:19:56,035 here at Muppet Labs, where the future is being made today.

358 00:19:56,099 --> 00:19:57,334 [squeaks]

359 00:19:57,400 --> 00:20:01,704 Many people suffer the embarrassment of being ridiculously tall and spindly.

360 00:20:01,766 --> 00:20:04,368 - Isn't that right, Beaker? - [muttering]

361 00:20:04,433 --> 00:20:07,502 But now comes the Honeydew shrinking pill.

362 00:20:07,566 --> 00:20:09,901 - [clears throat] Take one, Beaker. - Hmm.

363 00:20:09,966 --> 00:20:11,500 Not the whole bottle!

364 00:20:16,633 --> 00:20:18,868 - [Beaker whimpers] - Oh dear.

365 00:20:18,933 --> 00:20:23,070 Well, l guess that's all for today from Muppet Labs.

366 00:20:23,133 --> 00:20:24,501 Whoa!

367 00:20:24,566 --> 00:20:27,402 OK, strike the Muppet Lab set, please.

368 00:20:28,500 --> 00:20:30,902 Kermit, could l see you for a minute?

369 00:20:30,966 --> 00:20:33,568 - Oh, sure, Jean. - About this next number,

370 00:20:33,633 --> 00:20:36,168 l really would rather not do it.

371 00:20:36,233 --> 00:20:38,835 You mean the number with the pigs dressed as pirates

372 00:20:38,900 --> 00:20:42,737 and the chickens playing bagpipes and you dancing with a seven foot doorknob?

373 00:20:42,799 --> 00:20:45,369 lt's iust one cliché after another.

374 00:20:46,533 --> 00:20:48,034 l... l see what you mean.

375 00:20:48,099 --> 00:20:50,335 l'll tell you what l'd really like to do.

376 00:20:50,400 --> 00:20:52,135 - What's that? - Another duet

377 00:20:52,200 --> 00:20:56,771 - with my favorite Muppet. - Ah, well, that's vey nice.

378 00:20:56,833 --> 00:20:59,969 - That's a delightFul idea. - Oh, good, good.

379 00:21:00,033 --> 00:21:01,934 Now where's Crazy Hary?

380 00:21:02,633 --> 00:21:05,135 Crazy Hary? That's suicidal.

381 00:21:05,200 --> 00:21:08,503 - [crazy laugh] - There you are, you cute thing.

382 00:21:08,566 --> 00:21:11,001 Jean, l don't know what you're planning to do

383 00:21:11,066 --> 00:21:15,437 - but whatever it is, it is not safe. - Oh, no, this is a wonderFul idea.

384 00:21:15,500 --> 00:21:17,501 lt's a musical number.

385 00:21:19,700 --> 00:21:22,269 - A musical number? - Yes, yes.

386 00:21:22,333 --> 00:21:26,070 Well... l guess as long as it's musical, it's OK.

387 00:21:26,133 --> 00:21:28,235 Oh! You darling!

388 00:21:29,366 --> 00:21:32,102 - Now listen, is the boiler set up? - It's beautiful.

389 00:21:32,166 --> 00:21:34,768 - Oh, great. Go ahead, get ready. - The boiler?

390 00:21:34,833 --> 00:21:37,535 l'll get up the steam.

391 00:21:39,633 --> 00:21:42,469 l didn't know Crazy Hary played a musical instrument.

392 00:21:42,533 --> 00:21:44,401 - Oh, yes. - Which one?

393 00:21:45,066 --> 00:21:47,668 The explodaphone.

394 00:21:47,733 --> 00:21:50,368 Explodaphone? Jean, you could get killed!

395 00:21:50,433 --> 00:21:53,302 Oh, Kermit, listen. l'm not new to this business.

396 00:21:53,366 --> 00:21:55,234 l've been all over the world.

397 00:21:55,299 --> 00:21:57,335 You might be again.

398 00:21:57,400 --> 00:22:01,771 Listen, don't wory. You're gonna love it.

399 00:22:05,099 --> 00:22:08,870 [stammers] Well, l may not love it, but l'll introduce it.

400 00:22:10,000 --> 00:22:13,169 - [band plays fanfare] - Uh, and now, once again,

401 00:22:13,233 --> 00:22:15,868 here she is, taking her life into her own hands

402 00:22:15,933 --> 00:22:18,268 and throwing it away,

403 00:22:18,333 --> 00:22:20,968 ladies and gentlemen, Miss Jean Stapleton.

404 00:22:21,966 --> 00:22:24,301 [# l'm Just Wild About Hary]

405 00:22:30,233 --> 00:22:33,569
 * 1) l'mjust wild about Hary

406 00:22:33,900 --> 00:22:35,635 Oh!

407 00:22:35,700 --> 00:22:38,669
 * 1) And Hary's wild about me

408 00:22:38,733 --> 00:22:43,304
 * 1) The heavenly blisses of his kisses

409 00:22:43,366 --> 00:22:46,769
 * 1) Fill me with ecstasy

410 00:22:46,833 --> 00:22:47,867 Oh!

411 00:22:47,933 --> 00:22:51,536
 * 1) He's sweetjust like chocolate candy

412 00:22:51,599 --> 00:22:55,036
 * 1) And just like honey from the bee

413 00:22:55,099 --> 00:22:56,100 Whoo-hoo!

414 00:22:56,166 --> 00:23:00,603
 * Oh, l'mjust wild about Hary

415 00:23:00,666 --> 00:23:03,301
 * 1) And he'sjust wild about

416 00:23:03,366 --> 00:23:05,534
 * 1) Oh! He cannot do without

417 00:23:05,599 --> 00:23:08,836
 * 1) He's just wild about me

418 00:23:27,500 --> 00:23:31,170
 * 1) He's sweetjust like chocolate candy

419 00:23:31,233 --> 00:23:35,170
 * 1) And sweet as honey from the bee

420 00:23:36,333 --> 00:23:40,804
 * Oh, l'mjust wild about Hary

421 00:23:40,866 --> 00:23:43,368
 * 1) And Hary's wild about

422 00:23:43,966 --> 00:23:45,567
 * 1) Cannot do without

423 00:23:45,633 --> 00:23:48,102
 * 1) Hary's wild about

424 00:23:50,966 --> 00:23:53,134
 * 1) Me #

425 00:24:04,200 --> 00:24:06,969 Thank you! Well, those of you with nervous dispositions

426 00:24:07,033 --> 00:24:10,836 will be vey happy to know that we have reached the end of rhe Muppet Show.

427 00:24:10,900 --> 00:24:14,203 But, before we go, Iet us have a warm thank you

428 00:24:14,266 --> 00:24:18,536 for our courageous guest star. Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Jean Stapleton. Yay!

429 00:24:21,533 --> 00:24:25,136 Thank you, Kermit. l really got a kick out of it.

430 00:24:25,200 --> 00:24:28,136 Did someone say Kick out of it?

431 00:24:28,200 --> 00:24:30,268 - [all shout] - [crazy laugh]

432 00:24:32,000 --> 00:24:35,803 Hary, you're not supposed to set those off if somebody says just anything.

433 00:24:35,866 --> 00:24:38,001 Did someone say Just anything?

434 00:24:41,933 --> 00:24:45,536 - Oh, help. Good night. - Did someone say Help, good night?

435 00:24:45,599 --> 00:24:47,969 No!

436 00:25:23,299 --> 00:25:26,469 - l liked that last number. - What did you like about it?

437 00:25:26,533 --> 00:25:28,801 lt was the last number.