Episode 224: Cloris Leachman/transcript

00:00:08 [Knocking]

00:00:10 Cloris Leachman. Fifteen seconds to curtain, Miss Leachman.

00:00:13 OK, Scooter, I'll be ready. And thank you for this lunch.

00:00:17 I just hope he remembered that I don't eat meat of any kind.

00:00:21 [All] Oh, yeah!

00:00:24 Aw! And you'll be happy to know that I am a vegetarian.

00:00:29 [Booing and hissing]

00:00:32 [Drumroll]

00:00:34 It's The Muppet Show, with our special guest star, Miss Cloris Leachman!

00:00:39 [Applause and whistles]

00:00:53 # Lt's time to play the music Lt's time to light the light

00:00:57 # Lt's time to meet the Muppets On The Muppet Show tonight

00:01:01 # Lt's time to put on makeup Lt's time to dress up right

00:01:05 # Lt's time to get things started

00:01:07 Quit while you're ahead!

00:01:10 # Lt's time to get things started

00:01:11 # On the most sensational, inspirational

00:01:14 # Celebrational, Muppetational

00:01:16 # This is what we call The Muppet Show! #

00:01:23 [high-pitched squeaking]

00:01:30 Thank you! And welcome to The Muppet Show.

00:01:33 You're gonna love tonight's show.

00:01:35 Our guest is the star of television and films, Miss Cloris Leachman!

00:01:39 - But, first, let's get... - [shouting]

00:01:44 - What are you guys doing? - Pigs are taking over the show.

00:01:47 - Yeah! - You'll never get away with it!

00:01:49 Wanna bet?

00:01:52 We did it! We did it!

00:01:54 Hello! Kermit the Pig here.

00:01:58 Hey, welcome to The Muppet Show.

00:02:00 - Let's open the festivities... - What's going on here?

00:02:04 - Where's my frog? - We pigs have taken over the show.

00:02:07 Well, hoo-ha. Where's my frog, huh? What happened to him?

00:02:10 - You're starring in the opening number. - I don't care.

00:02:13 If you touch one flipper of my frog...

00:02:17 I'm starring in the opening number?

00:02:19 Of course. You're the biggest pig star we've got.

00:02:23 We'll talk about what'shisname later.

00:02:26 And now, let's get the show rolling with a little pig music!

00:02:30 - [Applause] - [# That's Entertainment]

00:03:37 [Applause]

00:03:43 You know, I didn't know pigs could do that.

00:03:45 - Be that talented? - No, be that bad.

00:03:51 Move, move, little frog! Move! Get in there! Go on!

00:03:54 Kermit, Kermit. Now, listen...

00:03:57 Oh, Kermit. Oh, I'm so glad to see you.

00:04:00 It's been terrible. Kermit, do you know that the pigs have taken over the show?

00:04:05 - Where are we? Is this the boiler room? - Yes, the boiler room.

00:04:08 Don't worry. We will get out of here.

00:04:11 Of course we'll get out of here, because I, the bear, have a plan.

00:04:14 I am going to tie some sheets together, and we will slip out the window.

00:04:19 What window?

00:04:23 No window!

00:04:25 Oh, Kermit! Kermit!

00:04:28 We gotta bust outta here!

00:04:32 Kermit, Kermit. There's no telling how long they could keep us here. Look.

00:04:37 - What is that? - I started a calendar.

00:04:41 Kermit, it's necessary. Believe me!

00:04:43 - I don't know what we're gonna do! - Fozzie, Fozzie, do not panic.

00:04:47 Listen, we'll use that telephone there and call for help.

00:04:50 The telephone. Of course! [groans]

00:04:53 - [Dial tone buzzes] - It's working! Here, Kermit.

00:05:01 This... This... This may take longer than I thought.

00:05:05 Here's our special guest, Miss Cloris Leachman, in a classic piece of...

00:05:09 - I'm sorry, but I must stop you. - Did I get your name wrong?

00:05:14 - No, no, that's not it. - You don't like the dress?

00:05:17 - It's OK for the number I'm doing. - You don't like the number?

00:05:20 No, it's OK for the dress I'm wearing.

00:05:22 But it's a great number. You and Sweetums'll be terrific.

00:05:26 My number with Sweetums comes at the end of the show.

00:05:29 That's my mistake. Excuse me. Sweetums, back to the dressing room.

00:05:33 Go on, back.

00:05:38 OK, cut, cut. That is not Sweetums, and you are not Kermit.

00:05:42 - Yes, I am. - Oh, no.

00:05:44 I've seen The Muppet Show many times,

00:05:46 and you don't look anything like the Muppets that I've seen.

00:05:50 - Maybe it's your television set. - No, it is not the set.

00:05:53 You're green, and you've got that

00:05:55 darling, funny, pointy collar Kermit used to wear.

00:05:58 - But you're not Kermit. - Oh, yes, I am.

00:06:00 All right, then. I'll spell it out for you. You are a pig. P-l-G.

00:06:05 You are not a frog. F-R-O-G.

00:06:10 - But... - No, no, no. You are not a frog.

00:06:12 Nothing you can say will ever convince me that you are a frog. Nothing.

00:06:16 Ribbit.

00:06:20 - Ribbit, ribbit. - Kermit, it is you.

00:06:26 - [Snorts] - What?

00:06:28 Nothing. Ribbit.

00:06:30 Finish the introductions, Kermit. It must be the eyes. They must be going.

00:06:34 And now, once again, our special guest, Miss Cloris Leachman!

00:06:38 [Applause]

00:06:50 [# My Hero]

00:07:44 [# Ah, Sweet Mystery of Life, serenade from Student Prince]

00:09:08 [Drumming]

00:09:10 [# Stout-Hearted Men]

00:09:58 [Applause]

00:10:06 OK, Kermit, listen, when the pig comes in,

00:10:08 I'll clobber him, and then we run for our lives.

00:10:11 - [Keys jangling] - Here we go.

00:10:13 - Get in that cell! - Got ya!

00:10:16 [Screams]

00:10:19 Are you crazy? That really hurt.

00:10:21 Gonzo, I'm sorry. I thought you were a pig.

00:10:26 Terrific. Terrific. First he clobbers me, then he insults me.

00:10:31 Hey, Gonzo, what's happening with the show?

00:10:33 It's going great. They've got this new MC and the audience loves him.

00:10:37 - Kermit the Pig. - Kermit the Pig?

00:10:41 Easy, easy, Kermit. Don't take it so personally.

00:10:44 And the new comedian, Fozzie the Pig...

00:10:47 Boy, is he funny!

00:10:49 We gotta get outta here!

00:10:52 We will get out of here. Look what I smuggled in.

00:10:56 - A spoon? - Mmm-hmm.

00:10:58 - Gonzo, we wanna escape, not eat! - We will escape.

00:11:02 I'm gonna dig a tunnel with it.

00:11:07 I think we're gonna be here a while.

00:11:13 And now it's time for everybody's favorite funny pig,

00:11:17 that great big lovable ham who's really a boar, and proud of it,

00:11:22 - Mr. Fozzie Pig! - [Applause]

00:11:28 Hiya, hiya, hiya! I'm really hot tonight.

00:11:32 I guess you could say the fat's in the fire. Aah!

00:11:39 Speaking of fat, my wife is so fat that when she brings home the bacon,

00:11:44 it takes three guys to bring home the bacon.

00:11:50 [Chuckling] Say, his new material isn't bad.

00:11:53 Yes, but his new haircut is awful.

00:11:56 Rolling right along, folks, it's really great to be here entertaining you,

00:12:01 but next year I'm going back to school.

00:12:04 Yeah, you see, get this... You see, I still got a lot to loin.

00:12:09 Get it? Pork? Loin?

00:12:12 - Now I know it's the haircut. - Mmm.

00:12:16 Yeah, but, well, I could do this all night.

00:12:20 Yeah, but my sauerkraut is double-porked.

00:12:24 Get it? Double-porked? Porked.

00:12:27 Hoga, hoga, hoga, hoga.

00:12:30 - Sauerkraut? - Double-porked.

00:12:33 - It's the worst. - Worst.

00:12:34 - The worst. - The worst.

00:12:36 The worst.

00:12:40 [Sings in mock Swedish]

00:12:44 # Oink, oink

00:12:47 # Oink, oink, oink

00:12:52 [mock Swedish] Popper corn.

00:12:55 [Mock Swedish]

00:12:57 Corn, oink, oink, oink, oink.

00:13:01 Oink, oink, pupcorn pupper.

00:13:04 Oinker!

00:13:09 Pupcorn. Oinker, oinker, oinker. Oink, oink.

00:13:17 [Man] And now, Vegetarian's Hospital,

00:13:20 the story of a pig-headed quack who's gone hog wild.

00:13:27 [Humming]

00:13:29 Here's your next case, doctor.

00:13:35 This is a dish of fruits and vegetables.

00:13:39 It's all right. They have group insurance.

00:13:44 Group insurance? They'd better have grape insurance.

00:13:48 Here's a nice bunch.

00:13:51 - What's the problem here? - Well, the corn has a bad ear.

00:13:56 The potato has a bad eye.

00:13:58 - And the eggplant... - Yes?

00:14:00 The eggplant has a bad yolk.

00:14:04 Well, that makes two of you.

00:14:08 - Well, let's start with the corn. - You already have.

00:14:13 Oh, doctor, you really know your vegetables.

00:14:17 Well, that's why they pay me a big celery.

00:14:20 Celery!

00:14:23 [Man] And so, once again, for the first time,

00:14:26 we come to the close of Vegetarian's Hospital.

00:14:29 Tune in next week when you'll hear Dr. Pig say...

00:14:33 - And now, lettuce operate. - Lettuce operate!

00:14:45 Here is a Muppet newsflash.

00:14:49 The eminent research scientist, Dr. Bunsen Honeypig, today announced

00:14:54 he had successfully converted a sow's ear into a silk purse.

00:15:01 Dr. Honeypig is now the object of a massive civil and criminal suit

00:15:05 by the wife of a neighborhood artist, Mrs. Vincent van Gogh Pig.

00:15:14 [Spoon banging]

00:15:16 - How's it going, guys? - Oh, it's terrific.

00:15:18 Gonzo's digging and I'm going to smuggle the dirt out in my hat.

00:15:25 - Or not. - [Keys jangling]

00:15:30 Kermie? Oh, Kermie, are you all right?

00:15:33 Well, yes, I guess so.

00:15:35 Kermie, I just want you to know that I have had nothing to do, whatsoever,

00:15:40 with the taking over of this show.

00:15:42 I have ref... No, really, I have refused to cooperate.

00:15:45 Yes, and, Kermie, I am going to stay here with you.

00:15:51 You really... Oh, that's very nice of you, Miss Piggy.

00:15:54 Kermie, my loyalty is here... with my frog.

00:16:00 - You really mean it? - Mmm-hmm.

00:16:03 Pigs in Space on next.

00:16:08 You have to cancel it.

00:16:10 - I remain with my sweetheart, Kermie. - Oh, gee, Miss Piggy.

00:16:14 OK, we'll just get someone to take your place.

00:16:18 - Take my place?! - If you wanna stay here with him.

00:16:28 Well...

00:16:32 Bye.

00:16:36 That's showbiz, pal. [laughs]

00:16:42 [Man] And now, Pigs in Space!

00:16:51 Starring the quixotic, Captain Link Hogthrob,

00:16:54 the vacuous first mate, Miss Piggy

00:16:58 and the somnambulistic Dr. Julius Strangepork.

00:17:02 As we left the Swinetrek last time,

00:17:04 it was under attack from an alien thing.

00:17:09 - [Alarm beeping] - Battle stations! Battle stations!

00:17:13 - Condition red! - Man the guns!

00:17:17 Oh! Oh! Oh!

00:17:19 - What is it, my captain? - Are you hit, Link?

00:17:23 Oh! No, I've got a spot on my uniform.

00:17:27 Oh...

00:17:29 - There it is! - Here it is. Right here by my epaulet.

00:17:33 There. And I just had it cleaned on Tuesday.

00:17:39 - Look. It's stopped shooting. - Oh, maybe it will sponge off.

00:17:44 - What is it? - I don't know.

00:17:46 I don't know, either. It appears to be... I mean, it looks like...

00:17:50 - It is! It's chopped liver! - [Screaming]

00:17:56 No, I think it's ketchup.

00:17:59 No, no, not there, lardhead. There!

00:18:03 Oh! Oh! Oh! It is! It is!

00:18:05 It's chopped liver! Oh, not chopped liver! Anything but chopped liver!

00:18:11 - What's wrong with chopped liver? - It gives me gas.

00:18:14 [Hiccups]

00:18:16 Try holding your breath and counting to five or six hundred.

00:18:22 - One, two, three, four... - No, no, you twit!

00:18:25 Don't you understand?

00:18:27 That is the chopped-liver monster from the galaxy Zabor.

00:18:31 It's hideous.

00:18:33 Hideous? For 1.69 a pound, you want beautiful?

00:18:38 [Man] Tune in, again, next time for another digestive episode

00:18:42 of Pigs in Space!

00:18:48 Pigs may have taken over, but there's one thing they haven't changed.

00:18:52 - What's that? - It's still not funny.

00:18:57 [Gonzo digging]

00:18:58 - How's Gonzo doing? - Pretty good, I guess.

00:19:00 - I can't even see him anymore. - [Keys jangling]

00:19:04 - Hey, Kermit, we're free! - Really?

00:19:07 What happened?

00:19:08 Someone next door was holding a hog-calling contest,

00:19:12 so they all heard it and ran off.

00:19:16 What a plot twist!

00:19:19 How amazing! How unbelievable!

00:19:22 How convenient. I'll get on stage. You tell Gonzo.

00:19:25 Yes, sir.

00:19:27 [Echoing] Hey, Gonzo!

00:19:31 He's made a lot of progress with that teaspoon.

00:19:36 I'm coming!

00:19:39 Well, things have been a little bit strange here tonight,

00:19:42 but someone we can always depend on is the wonderful Miss Cloris Leachman.

00:19:47 We take you now to a desert island, where the coconuts and guest stars grow.

00:19:51 [Applause]

00:20:02 [Gasping]

00:20:05 Oh, dear! Oh!

00:20:07 Oh, gracious. I thought I'd never make it.

00:20:23 [Waves crashing]

00:20:28 Whoa!

00:20:32 Ah-ha! Pretty blonde lady!

00:20:35 - [Chuckles] - Hello.

00:20:38 Pretty blonde lady make good fondue?

00:20:42 That depends.

00:20:44 Are you thinking of me as the cook or the dish?

00:20:50 - Well, you're quite a dish. - That does it. I'm leaving.

00:20:54 Where nice lady come from?

00:20:57 Didn't you see that shipwreck out there?

00:21:00 I caused that shipwreck out there.

00:21:03 - [Chuckling] - I believe it.

00:21:05 With breath like that, you could sink an armada.

00:21:11 Oh, look. Water.

00:21:13 Oh, good. Sweetums thirsty.

00:21:16 - Oh, I'm so thirsty. - Tough luck, kid.

00:21:20 Look, up there! Quick!

00:21:22 Sweetums not fall for that old gag.

00:21:25 Oh! Oh!

00:21:28 That does it! Sweetums and nice lady not be friends after all!

00:21:32 - Now, now, hold on. Wait a minute. - [Growls]

00:21:36 Hold on. Hold on!

00:21:38 Hold on. Just a moment.

00:21:40 [Screams]

00:21:43 Hey, someone call for help?

00:21:47 Oh, thank heavens.

00:21:50 Oh, your timing is perfect.

00:21:55 [# Just in time]

00:22:52 No.

00:23:09 [Applause]

00:23:19 - That's lovely. Only got one question. - What's that?

00:23:24 Sweetums, is this the cook or the dish?

00:23:28 Dish!

00:23:31 What? Oh! Help!

00:23:35 [Applause]

00:23:47 That's about all the time we have, but before we go,

00:23:50 let us have a warm thank you for our very special guest star,

00:23:53 ladies and gentlemen, Miss Cloris Leachman!

00:23:56 [Applause]

00:23:57 Thank you. Oh, Kermit, I've had a wonderful time.

00:24:01 - Oh, good. - Thank you so...

00:24:04 Freedom is mine!

00:24:08 - What are you doing here, Kermit? - Never mind. I'll tell you later.

00:24:13 Oh, boy, Kermit. It certainly has been different around here tonight.

00:24:17 I don't know how to explain to you about those pigs.

00:24:20 - Where did those pigs come from? - And where did they go?

00:24:23 Who would organize a hog-calling contest?

00:24:26 It was amazing. It was bizarre.

00:24:28 It was easy.

00:24:30 Cloris, you did that for us?

00:24:33 Well, I'm from lowa.

00:24:35 You must be a great hog-caller.

00:24:37 Soo-eee! Piggy, piggy, piggy!

00:24:42 We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!

00:25:22 - That was weird. - I'll tell the world.

00:25:24 - Go ahead. - That was weird.

00:25:26 - Weird! Weird! - Weird! Weird!