Episode 214: Elton John/transcript

00:00:07 [Knocking]

00:00:09 [Scooter] Elton John. Elton John.

00:00:11 15 seconds to curtain, Mr. John.

00:00:15 It's great to be here. Even my lunch likes me.

00:00:18 [All calling out]

00:00:25 It's The Muppet Show with our special guest star, Mr. Elton John!

00:00:30 [Audience screaming]

00:00:44 # Lt's time to play the music Lt's time to light the light

00:00:48 # Lt's time to meet the Muppets on The Muppet Show tonight

00:00:52 # Lt's time to put on makeup Lt's time to dress up right

00:00:56 # Lt's time to get things started

00:01:01 # Lt's time to get things started

00:01:02 # On the most sensational, inspirational

00:01:05 # Celebrational, Muppetational

00:01:07 # This is what we call The Muppet Show! #

00:01:20 Thank you, thank you and welcome to The Muppet Show.

00:01:23 We're going to have a wonderful show for you tonight.

00:01:25 We're all very excited because our guest star

00:01:27 is one of the world's greatest recording stars.

00:01:30 And here he is now. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Elton John!

00:01:47 [# Crocodile Rock: Elton John]

00:04:39 See you later, alligator.

00:04:44 OK, listen guys, how many times have I told you?

00:04:47 Never eat the guest stars at the beginning of the show.

00:04:50 Oh, Miss Piggy, is Elton John OK?

00:04:53 OK? He's fantastic!

00:04:56 Terrific. Scooter! Scooter!

00:04:59 Chef, you're on next.

00:05:00 [Speaks mock Swedish]

00:05:02 I know.

00:05:04 I know.

00:05:06 I know!

00:05:09 I don't know.

00:05:10 Scooter! Scooter!

00:05:12 Yes, chief?

00:05:14 What are you doing with this piano?

00:05:16 I found this song for Elton John. He's just gotta hear it.

00:05:20 He don't gotta hear it.

00:05:21 Gee, my uncle who owns this theatre wanted him to hear it.

00:05:24 Where do you want the piano?

00:05:26 Upstairs in Elton John's dressing room.

00:05:28 You got it.

00:05:33 [Singing in mock Swedish]

00:05:45 [Speaks in mock Swedish]

00:05:58 [Clucking]

00:06:17 [Scolding]

00:06:23 [Clucking]

00:07:15 Let's sneak out and have a pizza.

00:07:20 Kermit, I know you like to make your guests feel at home,

00:07:23 but don't you think a piano in the dressing room is overdoing it?

00:07:27 See, I've been meaning to talk to you about this piano.

00:07:30 See, we've got a gofer around here and, uh...

00:07:33 We've had frogs, chickens and now a gopher?

00:07:35 Yeah, that's an old theatrical term.

00:07:38 A gofer is somebody you have around to go for coffee. Isn't that interesting?

00:07:42 No.

00:07:43 You see, this gofer of ours has found a song

00:07:47 he wants you to do on the show.

00:07:49 Kermit, I thought you were more professional than that.

00:07:52 I'm sorry, Elton, but the kid has taste.

00:07:55 He's got talent and his uncle owns the theatre. Please, please!

00:07:59 OK, OK, let's hear it.

00:08:00 OK, Scooter, come on in! Get it over with.

00:08:03 OK, chief. Elton, sit down.

00:08:05 Make yourself comfortable. You'll love it! Ready?

00:08:11 [All singing]

00:08:22 Hold it! Stop! Hold it!

00:08:25 Scooter, I told you Elton wouldn't like that song.

00:08:28 That song is tasteless. That song has no melody.

00:08:31 Isn't that the worst song you've ever heard, Elton?

00:08:34 Well, I didn't think so when I wrote it.

00:08:38 - You wrote that song? - Yep.

00:08:40 Oh. It's a rather interesting song. It's got a nice little melody.

00:08:45 [Humming]

00:08:50 - You really hated it, huh? - Well, uh... yeah.

00:08:53 - It can sound different. - It can?

00:08:56 Yeah, let me show you.

00:08:57 Let's hear it.

00:08:58 [# Bennie and the Jets: Elton John]

00:10:01 [Applause]

00:10:09 [Announcer] Time once again for Veterinarian's Hospital.

00:10:13 The continuing story

00:10:14 of a quack who's gone to the dogs.

00:10:19 [Hiccuping]

00:10:21 Here's the next patient, Dr. Bob.

00:10:24 It's a dog! I hope he doesn't have fleas.

00:10:27 - Why not? - I hate to start from scratch.

00:10:31 What kind of dog is he, Dr. Bob?

00:10:33 - Ask him what time it is. - Why?

00:10:35 He might be a watch dog.

00:10:38 Of course, he could be a guard dog.

00:10:40 You know, I know a woman who was once attacked by her own guard dog.

00:10:44 - Doberman pinscher? - No, Doberman bit her!

00:10:48 Where did you find him?

00:10:50 At the lost and hound department.

00:10:53 - I wish he was a dachsund. - Why?

00:10:56 I'd like to get a long little doggy.

00:10:57 [Howling]

00:11:00 [Announcer] And so once again, Dr. Bob has taken the bulldog by the horns.

00:11:05 Tune in next week when you'll hear Nurse Piggy say...

00:11:07 Dr. Bob, I think the patient is running a fever.

00:11:10 - Go get some mustard. - Mustard?

00:11:12 That's what you always put on a hot dog.

00:11:15 [Howling]

00:11:19 [Plays piano]

00:11:33 Hey, I didn't know you could play the piano.

00:11:36 - I didn't know it either. - Join in.

00:11:44 Very good. Here I go.

00:11:47 Oh, he's good.

00:11:53 Yeah.

00:11:54 Ah.

00:11:58 This is my part. Take it.

00:12:02 - Very good. - Thank you.

00:12:08 Yeah. Together!

00:12:11 OK.

00:12:13 You take it now, OK? Ready, go!

00:12:18 Ah!

00:12:21 Come on in!

00:12:27 This is fun! Ah!

00:12:36 - Ready? - What?

00:12:37 - Fodulate. - What's that?

00:12:40 - You did it! - Thank you! Whatever.

00:12:44 - Oh, my hat! - Hey!

00:12:46 What do I do?

00:12:49 - Can you play hatless? - What?

00:12:51 - Can you play hatless? - I don't know. Who wrote it?

00:12:54 - Keep playing! - Yes, sir.

00:12:57 Oh, that's how it works, huh?

00:12:59 - Just play! - Yes, sir!

00:13:05 Big finish!

00:13:10 - Watch out! - Huh?

00:13:12 [Crashing]

00:13:14 [Applause]

00:13:18 [# Any Old Lron]

00:15:19 - Ladies and gentlemen... - [clucking]

00:15:21 [Shouting in mock Swedish]

00:15:24 Kermit's allowed me to do an introduction to our guest star.

00:15:28 But I promised not to get carried away,

00:15:30 so I'll be very understated.

00:15:31 Here he is, the greatest talent in the history of the universe,

00:15:35 Elton John!

00:15:44 [# Goodbye Yellow Brick Road: Elton John]

00:18:42 [Announcer] And now, Pigs in Space!

00:18:50 Starring the intangible Link Hogthrob.

00:18:54 The redoubtable Miss Piggy.

00:18:58 And the sanctimonious Dr. Strangepork.

00:19:03 As we left the Swinetreck last time,

00:19:05 the crew had just been overcome

00:19:07 with a fearful attack of boredom.

00:19:14 [All sighing]

00:19:16 Oh, the endless sameness of eternal space.

00:19:20 A pig could go mad.

00:19:22 We only blasted off 20 minutes ago.

00:19:25 That long?

00:19:28 At least we could have brought a TV set.

00:19:30 I'm missing all my favorite bowling shows.

00:19:34 You and your bowling shows.

00:19:37 - He cries at the sad parts. - [Strangepork laughs]

00:19:41 [Oinking]

00:19:42 Uh, Doctor. What does that red light mean?

00:19:45 The red light means stop. The green light means go.

00:19:49 No, no, no, no. Not traffic lights, you twit!

00:19:53 That light on the console.

00:19:55 Oh, that light.

00:19:57 That means we've been invaded by alien beings.

00:20:02 [Both] Oh.

00:20:05 [All] What?

00:20:07 Yes, even now hideous creatures of some sort are roaming the ship!

00:20:10 Oh, help! Do something, Miss Piggy!

00:20:13 If they're like snakes I'll scream!

00:20:16 You're the captain, fatso!

00:20:19 According to the sensors, there are two creatures.

00:20:22 Two? Two snakes?

00:20:24 I'll just die!

00:20:26 Will you please?

00:20:29 Yes, here's the read-out.

00:20:30 One is very frightened and has feathers.

00:20:33 The other speaks some sort of strange Scandinavian tongue.

00:20:39 [All screaming]

00:20:40 [Dr. Strangepork] Aliens! Alien beings in the control room!

00:20:43 Alien beings in the control room!

00:20:46 Help! Oh, they're hideous creatures

00:20:49 loose in the control room!

00:20:51 [Clucking fades]

00:21:01 Well, they're gone.

00:21:05 Somehow, I miss them.

00:21:10 Oh, the endless sameness of eternal space.

00:21:15 [All sighing]

00:21:18 [Announcer] Tune in next week and be bored again by

00:21:22 Pigs in Space!

00:21:28 [Shouting in mock Swedish]

00:21:31 [Loud clucking]

00:21:38 Kermit. About this Elton John.

00:21:41 Yeah?

00:21:42 I have seen some pretty weird guests on this show,

00:21:46 but this Elton John borders on the revolutionary.

00:21:49 Well, Sam, Elton John is a very important musician.

00:21:53 Then why does he dress like a stolen car?

00:21:58 Sam, musicians have always been fancy dressers.

00:22:01 Mozart wasn't.

00:22:03 Mozart wore high heels and wigs and silk stockings.

00:22:07 Hold your little green tongue!

00:22:10 It's true, Sam.

00:22:12 If Mozart wore high heels, wigs and stockings, I'll eat my hat.

00:22:16 And give Elton John a big introduction?

00:22:19 That, too.

00:22:20 Look at this great picture of Mozart Elton John gave me!

00:22:24 Love those high heels and silk stockings.

00:22:27 What?

00:22:28 Sam, you know you'd look great in a powdered wig.

00:22:32 Good grief! I've been hornswaggled.

00:22:36 OK guys, come on in!

00:22:38 [Talking and commotion]

00:22:50 Do I have to do this?

00:22:52 Yes, you do, Sam. A bet is a bet.

00:22:55 All right. Um, let's see.

00:22:57 I am proud to introduce one of the great names in popular music.

00:23:01 One of my all time favorites,

00:23:04 Elton John.

00:23:05 And?

00:23:07 All right.

00:23:15 All right!

00:23:17 There's a wonderful lady that I have always wanted to work and sing with.

00:23:22 So will you please give a great reception

00:23:24 to the fantastic Miss Piggy!

00:23:27 Oh, thank you! Kissy, kissy! Kisses to you all!

00:23:31 Oh, Elton, have you been waiting long, poopsie?

00:23:33 - It seems like an eternity. - Of course it does.

00:23:37 - Ready! - Um-hmm!

00:23:39 [# Don't Go Breaking My Heart: Elton John]

00:24:54 Eat your heart out, Kiki!

00:25:58 [Cheering]

00:26:00 Hey, we look like members of the rock age.

00:26:03 No, we look more like members of the Stone Age.

00:26:11 Well, that's about all the time we have.

00:26:15 Boy, are we gonna have some wardrobe bill.

00:26:18 But we're gonna save on the light bill.

00:26:21 That's true. Once again, let's bring out our special guest star

00:26:24 and the man who caused all this, Mr. Elton John!

00:26:34 Boy, Elton, you look weird!

00:26:38 Well, you guys are all dressed like stolen cars.

00:26:42 Hey, we'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!

00:27:22 Well, what did you think?

00:27:23 [Shouting in mock Swedish]

00:27:26 I hate running gags.