Farley goes to the hat shop (transcript)

Farley goes to the hat shop  First seen: Season 3 (1971-1972)

 Cast: Farley (Jerry Nelson), Shopkeeper (Frank Oz)


 * A hat shop, day. The shopkeeper is minding is business.

 Shopkeeper: (singing) Do do do do, in my Easter bonnet, with all the pret ...


 * The door opens. Farley enters, humming.

 Shopkeeper: Hello there, son! What can I do for you today?

 Farley: Oh, hi! Uh, gee, I'd like to buy a new hat.

 Shopkeeper: A new hat! Of course you would! Well, just step right around the counter here ...

 Farley: Yeah. (walks over to the shopkeeper)

 Shopkeeper: And let me help ya. Let ol' Smilin' Jack here help ya, OK?

 Farley: Oh, good.

 Shopkeeper: OK there, uh, let's see, stand still. (gets a good look at Farley) Mm-hm. Mm-hm. Mm-hm. Good. OK, I got just the cap for ya, right here. (displays a large blue baseball cap)

 Farley: Oh, good.

 Shopkeeper: Here's the cap for ya. Just bend over.


 * He puts the cap on Farley's head; it is so big it covers Farley's eyes and nose.

 Shopkeeper: Perfect! Oh, look at that color! Nice blue color. Now turn around, there's a mirror right behind ya.


 * Farley faces the mirror.

 Shopkeeper: Now look at that. Isn't that beautiful? Huh?

 Farley: Uh, something's wrong.

 Shopkeeper: Nice line, nice -- wha, something's wrong, though. I heard ya, you're right, something is wrong. Let me see.

<p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Farley: Where'd you go?

<p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Shopkeeper: Right over here. (turns Farley in his direction) Just turn over here. Follow my voice. OK, uh ...


 * He removes the hat and looks at it.

<p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Shopkeeper: You don't want that hat! Did I give you this hat?

<p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Farley: Yeah.

<p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Shopkeeper: Oh boy, what did I do that for?


 * He sets the blue hat aside.

<p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Farley: Yeah, you see ...

<p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Shopkeeper: What you want ... is another hat ...

<p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Farley: Yeah, because ...


 * The shopkeeper gets out a yellow hat, which is the same size as the blue hat.

<p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Shopkeeper: You want a yellow hat!


 * He puts it on Farley's head -- again, it covers his eyes and nose.

<p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Farley: That one is ... uh ...

<p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Shopkeeper: There's a yellow hat. Now look at yourself in the mirror.


 * He turns Farley in the direction of the mirror.

<p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Farley: Uh, but -- I -- no ...

<p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Shopkeeper: It's right behind you. See? See? Nice yellow hat. Perfect fit?

<p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Farley: No, that's not it.

<p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Shopkeeper: But that's not it! Oh, are you smart! You've got a keen eye. Good taste.

<p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Farley: Yeah.

<p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Shopkeeper: Let me see that hat.


 * He takes it off Farley, and gets a good look at it.

<p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Farley: Yeah.

<p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Shopkeeper: I gave you this hat too, didn't I?


 * He sets it aside.

<p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Farley: You see, because that hat -- yeah ... because ...

<p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Shopkeeper: (gets defensive) OK, don't explain it to me! I sell hats! I know my business!


 * He picks up the last hat on the table, a muffler hat.

<p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Farley: Yeah ...

<p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Shopkeeper: OK, let me see now, here's a ... here's the hat you want! A yellow hat?


 * He places it right smack dab on Farley's small head once again.

<p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Farley: No, I ...

<p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Shopkeeper: But it has earmuffs. Now I'd take that. It's the last one in the place.

<p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Farley: (faces the mirror again) But ...

<p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Shopkeeper: Just give me a dollar, please.

<p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Farley: Uh ... it's too big.


 * A beat.

<p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Shopkeeper: It's what?

<p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Farley: It's too big.

<p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Shopkeeper: That hat is too big?

<p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Farley: Yeah.

<p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Shopkeeper: I've been selling hats for many years, but OK, I'll try it on, I'll prove it to you, it's not too big.

<p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Farley: But --

<p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Shopkeeper: OK, watch out.


 * He takes the hat off Farley and puts it on his own head.

<p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Shopkeeper: Look at this hat. Look at this.


 * They both look in the mirror.

<p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Farley: Yeah, just ...

<p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Shopkeeper: Look how it fits. Isn't that beautiful? Huh?

<p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Farley: Yeah, but ...

<p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Shopkeeper: It's not too big; it's just right!

<p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Farley: (looks at shopkeeper) Yeah, but ...

<p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Shopkeeper: ... But what?

<p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Farley: Well, gee whiz, you see, I've got a small head, and you've got a big head. Look in the mirror.

<p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Shopkeeper: Wait a minute ...


 * He takes the muffler hat off, and examines his head in the mirror.

<p style="text-indent: -20pt;">
 * Shopkeeper: Well -- look at that! My head IS bigger than your head.

<p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Farley: Yeah, and you see, because I've got a small head, that hat is too big for me!

<p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Shopkeeper: Isn't that something! You're right. Hmm!

<p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Farley: Yeah, although it looks pretty good on you.


 * They both go back to the front desk.

<p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Shopkeeper: You don't want this hat, do you?

<p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Farley: No, I don't.

<p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Shopkeeper: Of course not!

<p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Farley: No.


 * The shopkeeper puts the hat back on his head, and hits the table, finally aware of the situation.

<p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Shopkeeper: *I* want this hat!

<p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Farley: Wha?

<p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Shopkeeper: It's a beautiful fit! I'll take it. Thank you. Just charge it, OK?

<p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Farley: Uh, but ...

<p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Shopkeeper: (looks around) Nice store you have here!

<p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Farley: Uh ...

<p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Shopkeeper: You should get a hat yourself sometime. (exits the shop)

<p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Farley: But ... mister, I ...

''The door shuts. Farley stands there, confused.''

'''In case the above dialogue doesn't sound familar, you're not dreaming. The following is an alternate take of the same sketch.'''


 * A hat shop, day. The shopkeeper is minding is business.  Farley enters the shop.

<p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Shopkeeper: Hey there! Hi, son, what can I do for you today?

<p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Farley: Oh, hi, uh, I'd like to buy a new hat.

<p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Shopkeeper: Well, you came to the right place! Just step around here by the counter, just step right around here.

<p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Farley: Oh, OK. (walks over to the shopkeeper)

<p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Shopkeeper: (gets a good look at Farley) Now let me look at you. What kind of cap would you like to have? Uh ...

<p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Farley: Well, uh ...

<p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Shopkeeper: Yeah, right, I know what kind you want, here it is, a beautiful blue cap! (displays a large blue baseball cap)

<p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Farley: But ...

<p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Shopkeeper: Just bend right down there ...


 * He puts the cap on Farley's head; it is so big it covers Farley's entire face.

<p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Farley: Uh ...

<p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Shopkeeper: There it is! Perfect size for ya!

<p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Farley: But -- but -- but ...

<p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Shopkeeper: Just look in the mirror right there.

<p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Farley: What happened? ...

<p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Shopkeeper: The mirror's right there.


 * Farley faces the mirror.

<p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Farley: Uh ... (muffled) some, something's wrong ...

<p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Shopkeeper: Isn't that beautiful? Uh, something's wrong, though, you're right, you're right, I saw that too.

<p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Farley: But... (turns around)

<p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Shopkeeper: (removes the hat and looks at it) Uh, let me see there. It's the wrong color, isn't it? Yes, the wrong color.


 * He sets the blue hat aside.

<p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Farley: No, you see it's ...

<p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Shopkeeper: Let me, uh ...

<p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Farley: No, let ... but ... but ...


 * The shopkeeper gets out a yellow hat, which is the same size as the blue hat.

<p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Shopkeeper: How about this? How about this beautiful yellow one, how's that? Right there!


 * He puts it on Farley's head -- again, it covers his eyes and nose.

<p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Farley: Uh ... uh ...

<p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Shopkeeper: There! Just turn around, the mirror's right behind ya!


 * He turns Farley in the direction of the mirror.

<p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Shopkeeper: Just -- that's it. How's that, huh? Is that a hat or is that a hat?

<p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Farley: That's not it.

<p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Shopkeeper: That's not it, though. You're right, it's a hat, but it's not YOUR hat!

<p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Farley: Yeah, you see, because ...

<p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Shopkeeper: Uh, what's wrong with that hat?

<p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Farley: Ah ... ow ...

<p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Shopkeeper: (takes it off Farley's head and sets it aside) Uh, I'll take it off here, it's, I know what's wrong! You've got a keen eye!

<p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Farley: It ... but ...

<p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Shopkeeper: What's wrong is ...

<p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Farley: Yeah, uh, you see, it's ...

<p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Shopkeeper: ... you need earmuffs on your hat!


 * He picks up the last hat on the table, a muffler hat.

<p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Farley: No -- n-no -- ah -- no ...


 * The shopkeeper places it right smack dab on Farley's small head once again, and turns him towards the mirror.

<p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Shopkeeper: Here's a nice yellow hat with earmuffs, now just turn around, there's the mirror ...

<p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Farley: No -- what the --

<p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Shopkeeper: Look at that beautiful hat! Look at that hat!

<p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Farley: (sigh)

<p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Shopkeeper: What a handsome man you are!

<p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Farley: It's too big.

<p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Shopkeeper: It's too ... (pause) ... what?

<p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Farley: I, I said, "It's too big."

<p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Shopkeeper: Now wait a minute. OK, I'll try it on. I'll show you it's not too big. It's a perfect fit.

<p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Farley: Ah -- but --


 * The shopkeeper takes the hat off Farley and puts it on his own head.

<p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Shopkeeper: Stand back, I'll just put 'er on here ...


 * They both look in the mirror.

<p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Shopkeeper: What a beautiful fit this is! Look at that! Fits beautifully!

<p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Farley: Yeah, well, you see, I got a small head, and you've got a big head. Look in the mirror.


 * The shopkeeper takes the muffler hat off, and examines his head in the mirror.

<p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Shopkeeper: Look at that! You're right. I've got a big head, and you've got a small head.

<p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Farley: Yeah, and because I've got a small head, that hat is too big for me!

<p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Shopkeeper: You're right! You don't want this hat!

<p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Farley: No, I don't.


 * The shopkeeper puts the hat back on his head.

<p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Shopkeeper: *I* want this hat.

<p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Farley: Huh?

<p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Shopkeeper: Right. Just charge it, OK? (proceeds to leave the shop)

<p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Farley: But --

<p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Shopkeeper: It's a great hat! (looks around) It's a nice store you have here, too!

<p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Farley: Uh -- but --

<p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Shopkeeper: You should get a hat for yourself someday. (exits the shop)

<p style="text-indent: -20pt;"> Farley: But, uh, but, mi--


 * The door shuts. Farley stands there, confused.