Episode 103: Joel Grey/transcript

It's The Muppet Show, with

tonight's guest star Mr, JoeI Grey!

It's time to play the music

It's time to light the lights

It's time to meet the Muppets

on The Muppet Show tonight

It's time to put on makeup

It's time to dress up right

It's time to raise the curtain

on The Muppet Show tonight

In our house we use paper plates,

and every night after dinner

my wife erases the dishes,

To introduce our guest star

That's what I'm here to do

So it really makes me happy

To introduce to you

Mr, JoeI Grey!

Give 'em the old razzle dazzle

Razzle dazzle 'em

Willkommen, bienvenue

Our show tonight will feature

Some stuff that looks like this

Yoo-hoo!

Yoo-hoo!

But now let's get things started

on the most sensationaI, inspirationaI

CelebrationaI, MuppetationaI

This is what we call

The Muppet Show

Welcome, And what a show

we have for you tonight,

How would you like to see 4,000

woodpeckers performing an aeriaI ballet

while 8 7 gorillas and two dozen elephants

do the dance of the sugar plum fairy?

Well, forget it, Because instead

we've got JoeI Grey as a guest star,

Which, in a way, is like having all

the excitement of everything I mentioned

without having to clean up afterwards,

But right now, let's get things

rolling on The Muppet Show,

where we have "Comedy Tonight,"

Something familiar

Something peculiar

Something for everyone

A comedy tonight

Something appealing

Something appalling

Something for

everyone, a comedy tonight

Nothing with kings

Nothing with crowns

Ã¢â?¢Âª Bring on the lovers,

liars and clowns

Ã¢â?¢Âª Old situations

New complications

Nothing portentous or polite

Tragedy tomorrow, comedy tonight

Nothing of fate

Nothing of state

Weighty affairs

will just have to wait

Wait!

Nothing that's formaI

Nothing that's normaI

No recitations to recite

Open up the curtain

Comedy tonight

Well, the show is speeding

along very quickly this evening,

Oh, yes, Someone must have told 'em

it's harder to hit a moving target,

Hiya, Kermit,

- Oh, hi, there, Fozzie,

Listen, you better go get ready, Go in

the dressing room and get ready, would you?

Dressing room, Uh, uh

I had a dressing room so small all

the mice were hunchbacked, Ha ha,

Please, Fozzie, no jokes

right now, I'm a tired frog,

Tired frog,

I knew a frog who got so tired he

fell asleep during his nap, Ha ha,

Fozzie, what is this?

- Oh, see, it's my new act, Yeah,

See, it's jokes on any subject, You tell

the subject and the bear does a joke on it,

Go ahead, go ahead, go ahead,

- Fozzie, please,

Please,

Take my wife Please, Ha ha,

Fozzie, why don't you just go in

the dressing room and get ready, OK?

Dressing room, I had a

dressing room so small

I heard it,

- Oh,

But what do you think

about the act, Frog? Mm?

Well, Fozzie, um

It's got possibilities,

Ah!

- Yeah, Why don't you work on it?

Oh, boy,

- Alone,

Oh,

Uh, alone,

Alone,

This bear was left alone,

Would you be interested in

seeing the five Temptations?

Could you just show me a couple?

I'm not as young as I used to be,

Two, three, four,

Two, three, four,

You know, George, I come

from a very old family,

Uh, mine's older,

- Oh, really? How old?

Uh, my family's so old

it's been condemned,

Two, three, four,

Boy, my brother is really something,

He's got girls eating out of his hand,

Oh?

Is he a lover?

- No, a waiter,

Oh,

You know, I'm really stuck on you,

Oh, how sweet, You love me?

No, I'm just stuck on you,

Ah!

Ladies and gentlemen, it is

with great pride and pleasure

that yours truly, Kermit the Frog,

introduces the internationaI star

of stage and screen Mr, JoeI Grey,

Thank you, Kermit,

I can't tell you what a

pleasure it is for me to be here

appearing in the Muppet cabaret,

Never have I entertained

in such a place before,

So unusuaI, So bizarre,

The most incredible nightclub by far,

Willkommen, bienvenue, welcome

Fremde

Etranger

Stranger

Glucklich zu sehen

Je suis enchantee

Happy to see you

Bliebe, reste, stay

Willkommen

Bienvenue

Welcome

Im cabaret

Au cabaret

To cabaret

Meine Damen und Herren.

Mesdames et Messieurs.

Ladies and gentlemen,

Guten Abend.

- Bonsoir.

Good evening,

Wie gehts?

Comment ca va?

Do you feeI good?

Ich bin euer Conferencier.

Je suis votre compere.

I am your host,

- I am your guest,

Gotcha,

Willkommen, bienvenue, welcome

Im cabaret, au cabaret, to cabaret

Here life is beautifuI,

The customers are beautifuI,

Even the orchestra is beautifuI,

Have you ever seen such

a beautifuI orchestra?

Well, maybe in a zoo,

Even the dancers are beautifuI,

If your standards aren't too high,

Willkommen, bienvenue, welcome

Im cabaret, au cabaret

Wir sagen

Willkommen,

bienvenue, welcome

Fremde, etranger

Stranger

Glucklich zu sehen

Je suis enchante

Happy to see you

Bliebe, reste, stay

Wir sagen

Willkommen, bienvenue, welcome

Im cabaret

Au cabaret

To cabaret

Uh, another star in the tradition

of the late, great Boris Klinger,

Boris Klinger?! Why, you old fooI,

Boris Klinger was the worst music-hall

act to ever step onto the stage,

In your opinion, maybe,

but more than 2,000 people

attended his finaI performance,

Yes, yes, Half of them brought the

tar and the rest brought the feathers,

Hiya, Hilda,

Oh, hello, Fozzie,

Fozzie, have you seen my glasses?

Glasses, glasses, Uh

I knew a minister once

who was so religious

when he read the Bible

he wore stained glasses,

What is this?

- It's my new act, see,

Jokes on any subject, Yeah, pretty good,

huh? Nothing stops the old Fozzie Bear,

I wish something would,

Wood, wood, Two bears

go into the woods

Never mind, I've found my glasses,

Found, found, found

Well, JoeI, you know,

I just can't tell you

how pleased we are to have

you with us here tonight,

Thanks very much, Kermit,

- You know,

I understand that you come from an old

show-business family, don't you, JoeI?

Yes, actually

You appeared on stage at

the ripe old age of ten, huh?

Yes, -

Yeah, mm-hm,

I understand you were also

born in Cleveland, Ohio,

but now you live in New

York with your wife Jo,

and your two children

Jimmy and Jennifer,

Plus three cats, two dogs,

a turtle and three Frisbees,

How do you know all that?

- Yeah, Let me ask you something,

Well, now that you're with

us, why don't you, uh

why don't you just tell

us a little about yourself?

Actually, there's

not much left to tell,

Oh,

Boy, what a dull guest,

Dull, my foot, Why, that young

man is one of the all-time greats,

Do you hear me? One of the greats,

Well, you'll get no

argument from me on that,

That may be the first time we ever

agreed on anything in our lives,

No, We once agreed in

the summer of 1 91 2, yes,

What was that?

We agreed that Kaiser

Bill looked silly in a hat,

Remember?

No,

Ah, Turkey

- land of my dreams,

All the Turkish delights

- the Turkish women,

the coffee, the towels,

In every way my heart

belongs to Turkey,

But lo, what lovely

Eastern maiden approacheth?

Pachalafaka.

Pachalafaka

Pachalafaka

They whisper it all over Turkey

Pachalafaka

Pachalafaka

It sounds so romantic and perky

Oh, I know that phrase

Will make me thrill always

For it reminds me of you, my sweet

Just the mention of

That tender word of love

Gives my heart a

jerkish Turkish beat

I won't say "c'est bon"

Or "I'amour toujours"

For they can't

express what I'm feeling

Even "mairzy doats"

Or other foreign quotes

Don't seem to be quite so appealing

But pachalafaka

Pachalafaka

Takes me back with you

to passionate desert scenes

And it's where we'll stay

Till the very day

We find out what

"pachalafaka" means

We find out what

"pachalafaka" means

Argh!

You have got to do something

about that Fozzie Bear,

Yes, he's driving us bananas,

- Yes,

Yeah, If he don't stop with those

jokes on any subject, I'll kill him,

I tell you, guys, I don't really

know exactly what to do about it,

Sh! Here he comes,

Well, now that's a thought, see, If you

don't like his jokes, don't say anything,

Oh,

- Uh

How you doin', Kermit?

How you doin', George?

How you doin', George?

Oh

I get it, The old silent treatment,

huh? Gonna be quiet on Fozzie, huh? Uh

Let's see, Quiet, quiet, quiet,

Yeah, I knew a town that was so quiet,

when someone turned the lights off,

everybody yelled, "What was that?"

No, no,

She had "yes, yes" in her

eyes, but "no, no"s on her face,

Uh, tell you, Fozzie

- Yeah, terrific, huh? Yeah,

Well, these jokes of yours

are starting to bug everybody,

Bug, bug, bug

Bug out!

Bug out? What kind of joke is that?

Well, that was no joke, Fozzie,

That was my wife,

Hi, JoeI, Hey, why the hat?

I got my new car outside,

Gonzo, You wanna go for a spin?

Sure,

Gonzo, Hey,

Relax, relax, I didn't mean actually go

for a spin, It's just a phrase, like

You don't actually bite the

hand that feeds you, do you?

I mean, one doesn't eat

one's heart out, does one?

I mean, one doesn't

talk through one's hat,

I hope not, I can talk for myself,

I think I'm going bananas,

I thought you were going for a spin,

You're in for a special

treat tonight, folks,

as Fozzie Bear, the

comedy star of our show,

displays his ready wit and nimble mind in

a test of comedy that would stump the best,

You just name a subject and Fozzie

Bear will instantly give you a joke,

So here he is now, the fastest

fur in the west, Mr, Fozzie Bear!

Thank you, thank you, Yeah, Mwah,

Thank you, Mwah, Love you, Yeah,

Here I am, Fozzie

Bear, jokes on request,

You name anything,

any word, any subject,

and I, Fozzie Bear, will hit

you with a great joke about it,

Don't be afraid, just yell 'em out

and I'll yell 'em back, Come on!

Amoeba,

Huh?

He said "amoeba,"

- Hm,

Uh amoeb Sorry,

no foreign words, Next,

The word is only foreign to you,

- That's right,

Anybody else? Over there?

You said any word,

- And he said "amoeba,"

Right,

- Right, Amoeba, Uh, uh

Could I come back to that?

Fake,

- Fake, He's a fake,

Fake,

- Fake,

Fake? Fake? Fake, am I?

OK, That does it, Give

me that word again,

Amoeba!

Right, Amoeba,

Two amoebas walked out of a bar,

One amoeba says to the other,

"Say, is that the sun or the moon?"

And the other amoeba says, "I don't

know, I don't live around here,"

He did it, He's OK,

He certainly did, What does

"amoeba" mean, anyway?

I don't know, I don't

live around here either,

Now the Muppet Players

are proud to present

a little-known classic

of Arthur Conan Doyle

entitled Sherlock Holmes and the

Case of the Disappearing Clues.

Sherlock Holmes here, Watson there,

Oh, Mr, Holmes, I'm

so glad you're here,

It's murder, Mr, Holmes, Murder,

Just calm down, my dear lady,

Dr, Watson and I will have this case

solved in no time, Right, Watson?

Of course, Holmes can solve any crime

by a simple process of deduction,

Yes, sir, The body of Lord

Bottomley is right over there,

Great heavens! Don't look, Watson,

It's too horrible to gaze upon,

What manner of fiend

could have done this?

Actually, I'm Fielding, the butler,

Lord Bottomley lies over there,

He's been shot, Holmes,

Yes, yes,

Hm, Give me a moment,

Mm-hm,

Of course!

I arrest Fielding, the butler,

for the murder of Lord Bottomley,

Amazing,

- Preposterous,

Elementary, The butler's

fingerprints are on this glass,

Here is a photo of the

butler committing the murder,

The weapon in question,

registered in the butler's name,

And finally an eyewitness, the

maid, who will seaI his doom,

Excuse me, miss,

So you see, Watson, pure deduction

on the face of the evidence

brings us to the only possible conclusion,

and that is that the butler did it,

But, Holmes, there is no

evidence, so your logic is wrong,

Logic is never wrong, Watson,

If there is no evidence that the butler

did it, and I certainly didn't do it,

then the inescapable

conclusion, Watson

Yes, yes?

- is that you're the murderer,

Mm, He's tough,

- And the other inescapable conclusion

is that, with no evidence and

no killer, there was no murder,

Ah,

Gesundheit.

Tonight, the great Gonzo has dug

deep into his limitless repertoire

to bring us an act never before seen

on any stage anywhere in the world,

And with his luck, it

never will be seen again,

Ladies and gentlemen, the

greatest of all Gonzos,

Tonight, dear patrons of the arts,

I will, with this sledgehammer,

demolish this vintage automobile

to the music of the "AnviI Chorus,"

After which I will eat

the crankcase a cappella,

Yokels! Rubes! What do

you know about great art?

That does it, I'm

giving up performing,

Hey, Gonzo,

You can call me "Great,"

Listen, uh, Great,

I was just watching your

act, you know, from offstage,

and a couple of things occurred

to me, as one artist to another,

Do you think I should wear a top hat?

It's more than a top hat, Gonz,

I think it's the basic act, actually,

I think what you need is some

pizazz, You know what that means?

Let me show you,

Just give 'em the old razzle dazzle

Razzle dazzle 'em

Give 'em an act with

lots of flash in it

And the reaction will be passionate

Give 'em the old hocus-pocus

Bead and feather 'em

How can they see with

sequins in their eyes?

What if your hinges all are rusting?

What if, in fact,

you're just disgusting?

Razzle dazzle 'em

And they'll never catch wise

Give 'em the old razzle dazzle

Razzle dazzle 'em

Back since the

days of old Methuselah

Everyone loves

The big bamboozler

Give 'em the old three-ring circus

Stun and stagger 'em

When you're in trouble

go into your dance

Though you are stiffer than a girder

They let you get away with murder

Razzle dazzle 'em

and you got a romance

Give 'em the old razzle dazzle

Razzle dazzle 'em

Give 'em an act that's unassailable

They'll wait a year

till you're available

Give 'em the old double whammy

Daze and dizzy 'em

Show 'em the first-rate

sorcerer you are

Long as you keep 'em way off balance

How can they spot

You got no talents?

Razzle dazzle 'em

Razzle dazzle 'em

Razzle dazzle 'em

And they'll make you a star

Well, with an act like that,

anybody can get applause,

Hey, JoeI, we really wanna thank you

for being with us on the show tonight,

and I want you to know you'll

always be willkommen here,

Dankeschon, Herr Kermit,

It was mein pleasure,

Keep working on that accent,

it might come in handy,

Thank you all for joining us, and

join us next week for The Muppet Show.

The Muppet Show.

More! More!

- Not so loud,

They may hear you,