Episode 311: Raquel Welch/transcript

1 00:00:08,500 --> 00:00:10,168 [knocking on door]

2 00:00:10,233 --> 00:00:13,069 Oh, Raquel Welch, 30 seconds to curtain, Miss Welch.

3 00:00:13,133 --> 00:00:16,102 ''The quality of mercy is not strained.

4 00:00:16,166 --> 00:00:19,536 lt droppeth as a gentle rain upon the place beneath...''

5 00:00:19,600 --> 00:00:21,601 Oh, changing your image, huh?

6 00:00:21,666 --> 00:00:25,102 - Yes, l was toying with the idea. - You do what you want, Miss Welch.

7 00:00:25,166 --> 00:00:29,003 On this show, you don't have to dress up in any scanty, revealing costumes

8 00:00:29,066 --> 00:00:31,201 Oh, thank you, Scooter.

9 00:00:31,266 --> 00:00:33,401 Not unless you really want to.

10 00:00:33,466 --> 00:00:37,736 - Well... - [all] Oh, please want to!

11 00:00:39,733 --> 00:00:41,334 [drum roll]

12 00:00:41,399 --> 00:00:45,871 lt's rhe Muppet Show with our vey special guest star, Raquel Welch!

13 00:00:45,933 --> 00:00:47,534 Whoo! Yay!

14 00:01:00,866 --> 00:01:04,769 It's time to light the light
 * 1) It's time to play the music

15 00:01:04,833 --> 00:01:07,969 on The Muppet Show tonight
 * 1) It's time to meet the Muppets

16 00:01:08,866 --> 00:01:13,103 It's time to dress up right
 * 1) It's time to put on makeup

17 00:01:13,166 --> 00:01:14,934
 * 1) It's time to get things started

18 00:01:15,000 --> 00:01:17,235
 * 1) Why don't you get things started?

19 00:01:21,500 --> 00:01:23,335
 * 1) It's time to get things started

20 00:01:23,400 --> 00:01:25,668
 * 1) On the most sensational, inspirational

21 00:01:25,733 --> 00:01:27,935
 * 1) Celebrational, Muppetational

22 00:01:28,000 --> 00:01:33,772 The Muppet Show! #
 * 1) This is what we call

23 00:01:40,466 --> 00:01:41,466 [applause]

24 00:01:41,533 --> 00:01:44,035 Thank you! And welcome, again, to rhe Muppet Show,

25 00:01:44,099 --> 00:01:46,101 where tonight, we are delighted

26 00:01:46,166 --> 00:01:49,435 to have the one and only Miss Raquel Welch...

27 00:01:49,500 --> 00:01:51,602 [clearing throat]

28 00:01:51,666 --> 00:01:55,403 Pity we can't book an important guest star on this show.

29 00:01:55,466 --> 00:01:57,134 What are you saying, Piggy?

30 00:01:57,200 --> 00:02:00,536 We have an internationally acclaimed actress, singer, dancer

31 00:02:00,599 --> 00:02:03,636 and one of the sexiest ladies alive!

32 00:02:03,700 --> 00:02:06,035 You've got that evey night, frog.

33 00:02:07,266 --> 00:02:09,101 Uh, well... [clears throat]

34 00:02:09,166 --> 00:02:12,002 lgnoring that, ladies, and particularly gentlemen,

35 00:02:12,066 --> 00:02:15,402 here she is, the curvaceous, the tantalizing, the desirable...

36 00:02:15,466 --> 00:02:17,334 - Hold it, chief! - What now?

37 00:02:17,400 --> 00:02:19,001 She's changing her image.

38 00:02:19,066 --> 00:02:20,467 Changing her image?

39 00:02:20,533 --> 00:02:23,135 Yeah, she was just rehearsing Shakespeare.

40 00:02:23,199 --> 00:02:25,869 But... Uh...

41 00:02:25,933 --> 00:02:29,036 Well, uh... uh, ladies and gentlemen,

42 00:02:29,099 --> 00:02:31,669 one of cinema's Ieading dramatic actresses,

43 00:02:31,733 --> 00:02:34,802 the vey erudite, Miss Raquel Welch.

44 00:02:39,199 --> 00:02:41,802 (# Baby, It's MeI

45 00:02:41,866 --> 00:02:44,501 [chuckling]

46 00:02:58,699 --> 00:03:01,002 l got the shimmy
 * 1) You got the shakin'

47 00:03:01,066 --> 00:03:03,301 l gotthe gimme
 * 1) You got the takin'

48 00:03:03,366 --> 00:03:06,802 but, baby, you send me
 * 1) And l don't want to go

49 00:03:08,300 --> 00:03:10,468 and l wanna give it
 * 1) You want it all

50 00:03:10,533 --> 00:03:12,835 and l wanna live it
 * 1) You are the dream

51 00:03:12,900 --> 00:03:16,303 but, baby, you send me
 * 1) And l don't want to go

52 00:03:20,666 --> 00:03:22,768 l'm the same as you
 * 1) Baby, it's me

53 00:03:22,833 --> 00:03:25,168 That's a dream come true
 * 1) A dreamer who dreams

54 00:03:25,233 --> 00:03:27,635 Ijust wanted to meet
 * 1) And all my life

55 00:03:27,699 --> 00:03:29,902
 * 1) Someone just like you

56 00:03:29,966 --> 00:03:31,667
 * 1) Someone just like you

57 00:03:32,366 --> 00:03:34,735
 * 1) To tell my troubles to

58 00:03:34,800 --> 00:03:37,169
 * 1) Someone just like you

59 00:04:03,766 --> 00:04:06,034 l've got the desire
 * 1) You've got the spark

60 00:04:06,099 --> 00:04:08,402 the higher the fire
 * 1) The longer we burn

61 00:04:08,466 --> 00:04:11,769 l want you to have it
 * 1) And, baby, take my heart

62 00:04:13,366 --> 00:04:15,568 It goes on forever
 * 1) Our love is a storm

63 00:04:15,633 --> 00:04:18,002 the bemer the weather
 * 1) The more that it rains

64 00:04:18,066 --> 00:04:21,436 l want you to have it
 * 1) And, baby, take my heart

65 00:04:22,833 --> 00:04:25,302 l'm the same as you
 * 1) Baby, it's me

66 00:04:25,366 --> 00:04:27,701 that's a dream come true
 * 1) A dreamer who dreams

67 00:04:27,766 --> 00:04:31,870 to meet someone just like you
 * 1) And all my life l'vejust wanted

68 00:04:32,633 --> 00:04:34,835
 * 1) Someone just like you

69 00:04:34,899 --> 00:04:37,269
 * 1) Who wants to love me, too

70 00:04:37,333 --> 00:04:40,536
 * 1) Someone just like you

71 00:04:42,199 --> 00:04:45,069
 * Oh, yeah, hey, hey #

72 00:04:59,100 --> 00:05:01,302 - [sighing] - PluperFect.

73 00:05:01,366 --> 00:05:03,501 [sighing]

74 00:05:03,566 --> 00:05:07,569 Uh, l thought she was going to change her image.

75 00:05:07,633 --> 00:05:09,601 Well, she might be changing her image,

76 00:05:09,666 --> 00:05:12,502 but you wouldn't want her to change the rest of that.

77 00:05:12,566 --> 00:05:14,067 [Miss Piggy scoffs]

78 00:05:14,899 --> 00:05:17,502 Hey, where's Fozzie? He's supposed to be on stage.

79 00:05:17,566 --> 00:05:20,001 He must be late getting back from group.

80 00:05:20,066 --> 00:05:22,201 Group? Fozzie went to group therapy?

81 00:05:22,266 --> 00:05:25,936 [chuckling] He wanted to learn to be more dominating.

82 00:05:26,000 --> 00:05:27,568 [Fozzie] Open up, doors!

83 00:05:28,199 --> 00:05:32,737 These doors will swing open to the force of my will alone!

84 00:05:35,666 --> 00:05:37,334 OK, l'll open the doors.

85 00:05:37,399 --> 00:05:39,902 - [door rattling] - [Fozzie groaning]

86 00:05:41,133 --> 00:05:44,002 There, l opened the doors,

87 00:05:44,066 --> 00:05:47,369 and l wanted to. Thank you.

88 00:05:47,433 --> 00:05:49,701 lt's a pity you couldn't open the show, too.

89 00:05:49,766 --> 00:05:53,970 Uh, excuse me, Mr. Frog, l am an established artiste.

90 00:05:54,033 --> 00:05:56,435 l will not be treated like a newcomer.

91 00:05:56,500 --> 00:05:58,635 No, you'll be treated like a latecomer.

92 00:05:58,699 --> 00:06:00,268 [both laughing]

93 00:06:00,333 --> 00:06:01,801 Vey good.

94 00:06:01,866 --> 00:06:04,535 Uh, Fozzie, are you tying to be pushy or something?

95 00:06:04,600 --> 00:06:07,302 Oh, no. l mean, yes.

96 00:06:07,366 --> 00:06:09,501 l am tying to be more decisive.

97 00:06:09,566 --> 00:06:11,534 - Hmm. - Uh, maybe.

98 00:06:12,600 --> 00:06:16,470 - Uh, Fozzie, what are you doing? - l'm not too sure. Uh...

99 00:06:16,533 --> 00:06:20,336 Oh, you see, my group leader told me to be more aggressive.

100 00:06:20,399 --> 00:06:22,435 Yes, uh, here.

101 00:06:22,500 --> 00:06:25,736 [growls] Excuse me, l'm sory.

102 00:06:26,699 --> 00:06:30,670 [growls] Thank you. Thank you.

103 00:06:30,733 --> 00:06:34,303 Fozzie, why don't you just go sit quietly in your dressing room?

104 00:06:34,366 --> 00:06:36,735 Oh, no! Oh, no, not this time!

105 00:06:36,800 --> 00:06:39,869 Frog, this bear will never be pushed around

106 00:06:39,933 --> 00:06:42,568 or stepped on ever again!

107 00:06:42,633 --> 00:06:45,836 Hey, did somebody order raw eggs and chili peppers?

108 00:06:45,899 --> 00:06:48,502 - [stomping footsteps] - BreaMast! BreaMast!

109 00:06:48,566 --> 00:06:53,337 Aah! BreaMast! BreaMast!

110 00:06:55,500 --> 00:06:58,669 l think l'll go sit quietly in my dressing room.

111 00:07:00,233 --> 00:07:01,500 [fanfare]

112 00:07:01,566 --> 00:07:03,834 Uh, you could describe our next perFormer

113 00:07:03,899 --> 00:07:06,335 as a complete contrast to Miss Raquel Welch.

114 00:07:06,399 --> 00:07:09,636 Then again, you could also describe him as a complete contrast

115 00:07:09,699 --> 00:07:12,169 to evey man, woman and child on Earth.

116 00:07:12,233 --> 00:07:15,836 Uh, here he is, ladies and gentlemen, Gonzo, the Great.

117 00:07:15,899 --> 00:07:18,402 I# JamboreeI

118 00:07:20,433 --> 00:07:23,736
 * 1) Lonely? Hey, l get lonely

119 00:07:24,800 --> 00:07:27,903
 * 1) Sad? Whoo! l know sad

120 00:07:28,733 --> 00:07:31,202 with the things that you see
 * 1) But you do what you can

121 00:07:31,266 --> 00:07:32,867
 * 1) To make life a jamboree

122 00:07:32,933 --> 00:07:35,302
 * 1) And l see cows playing cellos

123 00:07:35,366 --> 00:07:38,802 where their horns should be
 * 1) With bananas

124 00:07:41,699 --> 00:07:46,471 By ducks in buckets
 * 1) And l see flags being waved

125 00:07:46,533 --> 00:07:50,470
 * 1) And pigs drinking lemon tea

126 00:07:50,533 --> 00:07:52,701 - # Jamboree! - # Jamboree!

127 00:07:52,766 --> 00:07:55,502 - # Jamboree! - # Jamboree!

128 00:07:55,566 --> 00:07:59,403 And you've got a jamboree
 * 1) Find where you hide and look inside

129 00:07:59,466 --> 00:08:03,069 _ fe... ee... ee... Ee... ee... ee... ee

130 00:08:03,133 --> 00:08:07,136 If all you see are walls
 * 1) If all you know are bad times

131 00:08:07,199 --> 00:08:09,769 from the scu#s on your shoes
 * 1) If you get your news

132 00:08:09,833 --> 00:08:11,334
 * 1) Then that won't help at all

133 00:08:11,399 --> 00:08:14,102 penguins throwing popcorn
 * 1) 'Cause you've gotta see

134 00:08:14,166 --> 00:08:17,602
 * 1) Chickens on a well-dressed moose

135 00:08:17,666 --> 00:08:19,968 - Hi, girls! - [chickens clucking]

136 00:08:20,033 --> 00:08:22,602
 * 1) And you gotta see rats floating by

137 00:08:22,666 --> 00:08:24,868
 * 1) On pink balloons

138 00:08:24,933 --> 00:08:28,336
 * 1) And fu__y things on the loose

139 00:08:28,966 --> 00:08:31,068 - # Jamboree! - # Jamboree!

140 00:08:31,133 --> 00:08:33,768 - # Jamboree! - # Jamboree!

141 00:08:33,833 --> 00:08:38,237 and you've got a jamboree
 * 1) Find where you hide and look inside

142 00:08:38,299 --> 00:08:42,470 and you stay away from rain
 * 1) Well, you go run from thunder

143 00:08:42,533 --> 00:08:46,670 in the puddles to see my jamboree
 * 1) But l'll be looking at the colors

144 00:08:46,733 --> 00:08:49,068 - # Jamboree! - # Chocolate cakes!

145 00:08:49,133 --> 00:08:51,768 - # Jamboree! - # Bells on snakes!

146 00:08:51,833 --> 00:08:53,768
 * 1) Some people give up
 * 2) Some people get out

147 00:08:53,833 --> 00:08:55,167
 * 1) But me? Whoo, whoo, whoo!

148 00:08:55,233 --> 00:08:56,767
 * 1) l'm a jamboree!

149 00:08:56,833 --> 00:08:57,867 [all cheering]

150 00:08:57,933 --> 00:08:59,768 - # Jamboree! - # Jamboree!

151 00:08:59,833 --> 00:09:02,068 - # Jamboree! - # Jamboree!

152 00:09:02,133 --> 00:09:04,268 - # Jamboree! - # Jamboree!

153 00:09:04,333 --> 00:09:06,568 - # Jamboree! - # Jamboree!

154 00:09:06,633 --> 00:09:08,835 - # Jamboree! - # Jamboree!

155 00:09:08,899 --> 00:09:11,569 - # Jamboree - [music fading]

156 00:09:11,633 --> 00:09:13,301
 * Me, l'm ajamboree

157 00:09:13,366 --> 00:09:14,500
 * 1) Yeah! #

158 00:09:18,233 --> 00:09:21,169 l've seen wars started over less than that.

159 00:09:21,233 --> 00:09:23,335 Wrong, there's nothing less than that.

160 00:09:23,399 --> 00:09:24,601 [laughing]

161 00:09:25,700 --> 00:09:27,968 - [chattering indistinctly] - OK, nice one.

162 00:09:28,033 --> 00:09:30,301 Yeah, good number, baby. [laughs]

163 00:09:30,366 --> 00:09:34,470 Yeah, vey cute, vey cute. Uh, sick but cute.

164 00:09:34,533 --> 00:09:36,668 - Sick but cute? - Mmm-hmm.

165 00:09:36,733 --> 00:09:40,736 Uh, you guys are talking about me, huh?

166 00:09:40,799 --> 00:09:44,103 - No. - Uh, yeah. [laughs]

167 00:09:44,166 --> 00:09:47,502 - Floyd! - Hey, Kermit, Kermit, it's all right

168 00:09:47,566 --> 00:09:50,001 lt's no problem. l can take it.

169 00:09:50,066 --> 00:09:52,334 Well, l don't know if l can take it.

170 00:09:52,399 --> 00:09:55,603 Uh, listen, Fozzie, are you ready to do your monologue now?

171 00:09:55,666 --> 00:09:58,368 [clears throat]

172 00:09:58,433 --> 00:10:00,368 No! No!

173 00:10:00,433 --> 00:10:02,301 l am not... Excuse me, l'm sory.

174 00:10:02,366 --> 00:10:07,003 l'm through with all that! l do not need to buy friends with laughter anymore.

175 00:10:07,066 --> 00:10:11,570 No, no. l am about to meet my true self.

176 00:10:12,600 --> 00:10:14,768 - Uh... of course you are. - Yes.

177 00:10:14,833 --> 00:10:17,502 - l hope you'll be vey happy together. - Thank you.

178 00:10:17,566 --> 00:10:18,967 [chuckles]

179 00:10:19,033 --> 00:10:21,702 l'll just go cancel your act for tonight.

180 00:10:21,766 --> 00:10:23,634 Well, l'm sory about that.

181 00:10:23,700 --> 00:10:26,069 Don't wory, we've all got our problems here.

182 00:10:26,133 --> 00:10:28,201 Yep, that's show biz.

183 00:10:28,266 --> 00:10:31,068 See, my problem was my need to tell jokes.

184 00:10:31,133 --> 00:10:34,102 Yeah, that was our problem too.

185 00:10:37,133 --> 00:10:41,203 Uh, ladies and gentlemen, due to the indisposition of Fozzie Bear,

186 00:10:41,266 --> 00:10:43,968 there will be no comic monologue on this show.

187 00:10:44,033 --> 00:10:46,535 [cheering]

188 00:10:48,399 --> 00:10:51,402 Scooter, they... They want me!

189 00:10:51,466 --> 00:10:54,769 They... They like me! They need me!

190 00:10:54,833 --> 00:10:56,768 - Hey-ya! Hey-ya! Hey-ya! - Fozzie!

191 00:10:57,333 --> 00:11:00,369 - And so, on with rhe Muppet... - Hey-ya! Hey-ya! Hey-ya!

192 00:11:00,433 --> 00:11:04,236 - Fozzie, what are you doing here? - My monologue. [laughs]

193 00:11:04,299 --> 00:11:06,669 But you were supposed to meet your true self.

194 00:11:06,733 --> 00:11:08,734 - l just met him. - What's he like?

195 00:11:08,799 --> 00:11:12,737 He's shallow, insecure and needs to buy friends with laughter.

196 00:11:14,100 --> 00:11:16,869 - Ah! It's too late! Get off! Get off! - What?! What?!

197 00:11:16,933 --> 00:11:19,435 [downtempo music plays]

198 00:11:20,833 --> 00:11:22,901 [Fozzie] Kermit, let go, they want me!

199 00:11:22,966 --> 00:11:24,567 Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

200 00:11:24,633 --> 00:11:28,536 Uh, did you hear the one about the nut who joined the Army?

201 00:11:28,600 --> 00:11:31,602 Sure. They made him a kernel. [laughs]

202 00:11:31,666 --> 00:11:34,402 What, that old chestnut? [laughs]

203 00:11:34,466 --> 00:11:37,869 Wait, hey! Hey! You just cut that out, you pigs!

204 00:11:37,933 --> 00:11:41,903 Speaking of pigs, what do you get when you cross an Eskimo and a pig?

205 00:11:41,966 --> 00:11:46,670 - Oh, that's easy. You get a polar boar. - [laughing]

206 00:11:46,733 --> 00:11:49,035 What is going on... Whoa!

207 00:11:49,100 --> 00:11:52,937 - Move! Look out! - [crashing]

208 00:11:53,000 --> 00:11:55,469 Hey, do you do all the cooking in the monastey?

209 00:11:55,533 --> 00:11:57,768 [Fozzie] Hey! Hey, l was gonna do that one!

210 00:11:57,833 --> 00:12:02,237 - No, l only cook the potatoes. - You only cook the potatoes?

211 00:12:02,299 --> 00:12:05,436 Wait! l'm doing this one! Uh...

212 00:12:05,500 --> 00:12:08,169 You only cook the potatoes? What do they call you?

213 00:12:08,233 --> 00:12:10,468 The friar.

214 00:12:10,533 --> 00:12:12,368 No, the chipmonk.

215 00:12:12,433 --> 00:12:14,401 [laughing]

216 00:12:16,100 --> 00:12:19,536 From time to time, l like to chat with some of the different members

217 00:12:19,600 --> 00:12:22,269 o5 The Muppet Show so you'll get to know them better.

218 00:12:22,333 --> 00:12:24,902 Tonight, l'll talk with one of your favorite acts,

219 00:12:24,966 --> 00:12:27,068 - Marvin Suggs and the Muppaphones. - Ow!

220 00:12:27,133 --> 00:12:28,667 Excuse me, Marvin.

221 00:12:28,733 --> 00:12:31,969 l know you're rehearsing. Could l talk to you for a few minutes?

222 00:12:32,033 --> 00:12:35,202 But of course, Mr. Kermit. Anything.

223 00:12:35,266 --> 00:12:37,101 Take a four.

224 00:12:37,166 --> 00:12:39,001 Five.

225 00:12:39,066 --> 00:12:40,634 Ow!

226 00:12:40,700 --> 00:12:42,201 Four!

227 00:12:42,266 --> 00:12:45,535 Uh... uh... Marvin, the question that most people ask...

228 00:12:45,600 --> 00:12:49,937 Oh, the answer is mutual love and respect.

229 00:12:50,000 --> 00:12:52,469 The Muppaphones, they adore me!

230 00:12:52,533 --> 00:12:54,534 [Muppaphones mumbling indistinctly]

231 00:12:54,600 --> 00:12:56,902 Shut up!

232 00:12:56,966 --> 00:13:01,136 Uh, Marvin, are these... Are these the original Muppaphones?

233 00:13:01,200 --> 00:13:06,438 Oh, no. l have to replace them evey mo or three months.

234 00:13:06,500 --> 00:13:08,034 They go flat.

235 00:13:08,100 --> 00:13:10,569 - You mean they get off-key? - No, flat.

236 00:13:11,200 --> 00:13:14,770 - Ow! - Like little pancakes.

237 00:13:15,733 --> 00:13:17,000 Thank you!

238 00:13:17,066 --> 00:13:19,835 Uh, yeah, well, uh, what happens to them then?

239 00:13:20,433 --> 00:13:23,302 l don't think you want to know.

240 00:13:24,566 --> 00:13:26,200 - Uh, yes... - Yes!

241 00:13:26,266 --> 00:13:29,769 Uh, well, Marvin, l was wondering, can l talk to the Muppaphones?

242 00:13:29,833 --> 00:13:33,469 But of course! The little froggy want to talk to you. Be nice.

243 00:13:33,533 --> 00:13:35,434 [Muppaphones mumbling indistinctly]

244 00:13:35,500 --> 00:13:39,470 Uh, Muppaphones, l'll ask you the question most people ask,

245 00:13:39,533 --> 00:13:41,201 does it hurt?

246 00:13:41,266 --> 00:13:45,169 - Um, is Marvin still here? - Right here.

247 00:13:45,233 --> 00:13:49,770 - Uh, no. - Of course it does not hurt.

248 00:13:49,833 --> 00:13:53,870 - l am not a cruel man. - [Muppaphones groaning]

249 00:13:53,933 --> 00:13:56,001 Shut up!

250 00:13:56,066 --> 00:13:57,934 - Uh, Marvin... - Please continue.

251 00:13:58,000 --> 00:14:01,136 You were telling me how compassionate and sensitive you are.

252 00:14:01,200 --> 00:14:03,569 Yes, but l should get back to rehearsal.

253 00:14:03,633 --> 00:14:06,202 Come on, Marvin, how about some time off?

254 00:14:06,266 --> 00:14:10,536 - How about some croquet? - [yelps]

255 00:14:16,366 --> 00:14:19,769 [sighs] l wish l had the nerve to meet Raquel Welch.

256 00:14:19,833 --> 00:14:22,635 Oh, you should, Fozzie. She's terrific.

257 00:14:22,700 --> 00:14:25,035 She kissed me right here.

258 00:14:25,100 --> 00:14:29,437 Scooter, l know she kissed you. You told me four times she kissed you.

259 00:14:29,500 --> 00:14:31,902 Why don't you go have your cheek bronzed?

260 00:14:31,966 --> 00:14:33,634 Touchy, touchy.

261 00:14:33,700 --> 00:14:36,936 Well, she didn't kiss... Oh.

262 00:14:37,299 --> 00:14:40,236 Hey, wait a minute, l can handle this, l can cope with it.

263 00:14:40,299 --> 00:14:44,704 l am an important bear. l am capable, l am poised...

264 00:14:44,766 --> 00:14:48,603 - Hiya, Fozzie. - l am... l am...

265 00:14:48,666 --> 00:14:51,268 Hi. l've been looking all over for ya.

266 00:14:51,333 --> 00:14:53,435 - M... m... - Uh-huh.

267 00:14:53,500 --> 00:14:55,468 - Come here a second. - [stammering]

268 00:14:55,533 --> 00:14:58,802 Did you know that one of the main reasons

269 00:14:58,866 --> 00:15:02,202 that l wanted to do rhe Muppet Show was just so l could meet you?

270 00:15:02,266 --> 00:15:06,637 - [stammering] - Is something wrong?

271 00:15:06,700 --> 00:15:09,569 No... [stammers]

272 00:15:09,633 --> 00:15:11,568 - Oh. - l can't talk about it.

273 00:15:11,633 --> 00:15:13,668 Just put your head on my shoulder here.

274 00:15:13,733 --> 00:15:15,234 (# Confide In MeI

275 00:15:15,299 --> 00:15:17,402
 * 1) Confide in me

276 00:15:18,533 --> 00:15:21,202
 * 1) Rely on me

277 00:15:21,266 --> 00:15:25,470
 * 1) And l will ty to satisfy

278 00:15:25,533 --> 00:15:28,903
 * 1) Your evey need

279 00:15:29,866 --> 00:15:32,201
 * 1) Through the day

280 00:15:33,166 --> 00:15:36,369 - # 'Till we say - Don't do that, please.

281 00:15:36,433 --> 00:15:39,002
 * 1) G_bye

282 00:15:41,166 --> 00:15:44,202 - # Oooh - [moaning]

283 00:15:44,266 --> 00:15:47,369 - # Take it slow - [chuckles]

284 00:15:47,433 --> 00:15:50,269
 * 1) Easy go

285 00:15:50,333 --> 00:15:54,303
 * 1) Any friend would recommend

286 00:15:54,366 --> 00:15:57,435
 * 1) The starlight show

287 00:15:58,533 --> 00:16:01,469
 * 1) On a night like this

288 00:16:02,399 --> 00:16:06,871
 * 1) l insist you ty

289 00:16:07,666 --> 00:16:11,369 Oh, oh, Raquel, you are terrific.

290 00:16:11,433 --> 00:16:15,069 On the contray, Fozzie, you're the one that's terrific.

291 00:16:15,133 --> 00:16:16,868 - Me? - Uh-huh.

292 00:16:16,933 --> 00:16:20,469 You know, just being here, kind of close to you,

293 00:16:20,533 --> 00:16:23,068 l've noticed that you're really vey charming.

294 00:16:23,133 --> 00:16:24,834 - Charming? - Mmm-hmm.

295 00:16:24,899 --> 00:16:28,069 - And even wi_. - And even wi_.

296 00:16:28,133 --> 00:16:31,970 ln fact, l think you're vey sey.

297 00:16:32,033 --> 00:16:33,300 Say again.

298 00:16:33,366 --> 00:16:35,801 l think you're sexsational.

299 00:16:36,733 --> 00:16:39,068 Ahh.

300 00:16:40,799 --> 00:16:43,702
 * 1) Mmm, take yourtime

301 00:16:45,000 --> 00:16:47,769
 * 1) And you will find

302 00:16:47,833 --> 00:16:49,668
 * 1) A smiling face

303 00:16:49,733 --> 00:16:51,935 - # A warm embrace - Ooh.

304 00:16:52,000 --> 00:16:56,137
 * 1) A sympathetic mind

305 00:16:56,200 --> 00:16:59,536 - # To do it right - [chuckling]

306 00:16:59,600 --> 00:17:01,935
 * 1) Confide in me

307 00:17:02,700 --> 00:17:05,269
 * 1) Tonight

308 00:17:05,333 --> 00:17:09,036 - # Woh, oh, oh, oh - # Woh, ho, ho, ho

309 00:17:09,099 --> 00:17:12,970
 * 1) Confide in me

310 00:17:13,033 --> 00:17:17,737
 * 1) Tonight #

311 00:17:19,900 --> 00:17:22,302 Oh, Raquel!

312 00:17:22,366 --> 00:17:26,002 Oh, Raquel! Oh, l feel so confident now.

313 00:17:26,066 --> 00:17:29,936 You've made a complete bear out of me. Oh, yes! Yes!

314 00:17:30,000 --> 00:17:33,002 - Um, Fozzie... - Yes, sweetheart.

315 00:17:33,066 --> 00:17:35,001 Do you... Do you think there's...

316 00:17:35,066 --> 00:17:36,066 Yes, baby, say it!

317 00:17:36,133 --> 00:17:38,502 ...even the slightest possibility that...

318 00:17:38,566 --> 00:17:39,566 Yes!

319 00:17:39,633 --> 00:17:42,635 ...you might want to go to my dressing room

320 00:17:42,700 --> 00:17:45,402 and have a cup of tea?

321 00:17:46,766 --> 00:17:50,736 - You... You and me? - Uh-huh.

322 00:17:52,000 --> 00:17:54,135 Could l bring a friend?

323 00:17:57,400 --> 00:17:59,401 [humming]

324 00:17:59,466 --> 00:18:01,367 [chicken whimpering]

325 00:18:09,700 --> 00:18:12,002 [mock Swedish]

326 00:18:12,066 --> 00:18:14,435 ...de chickie in de basket.

327 00:18:14,500 --> 00:18:17,536 Of course, here de chickie.

328 00:18:17,599 --> 00:18:20,035 And over here, de basket.

329 00:18:20,099 --> 00:18:21,835 [chicken clucking]

330 00:18:21,900 --> 00:18:24,202 Hey, chickie! Come here, chickie!

331 00:18:24,266 --> 00:18:26,101 [mock Swedish]

332 00:18:26,166 --> 00:18:28,401 [chicken bouncing loudly]

333 00:18:32,299 --> 00:18:33,868 [moaning]

334 00:18:37,900 --> 00:18:39,534 [humming]

335 00:18:39,599 --> 00:18:42,135
 * 1) Here de de are de chickie #

336 00:18:43,133 --> 00:18:44,934 That mo points.

337 00:18:46,633 --> 00:18:49,836 Kermit! Kermit! Kermit! Oh, listen, you've gotta read this!

338 00:18:49,900 --> 00:18:52,502 What? Are you still on the assertive kick, Fozzie?

339 00:18:52,566 --> 00:18:55,502 Kind of, but listen, Kermit, you are gonna love this.

340 00:18:55,566 --> 00:18:59,703 l have just written the greatest joke in the world.

341 00:18:59,766 --> 00:19:02,335 lt's the all-time comedy classic.

342 00:19:02,400 --> 00:19:05,102 Kermit, in the histoy of show business

343 00:19:05,166 --> 00:19:08,636 there has never been, or will there ever be,

344 00:19:08,700 --> 00:19:12,470 a joke this funny. Here, read it, go ahead, read it.

345 00:19:12,533 --> 00:19:15,135 Ahhh. Yeah.

346 00:19:15,200 --> 00:19:18,269 [chuckles]

347 00:19:21,566 --> 00:19:23,334 - Ahhh? - It's not funny.

348 00:19:23,400 --> 00:19:25,235 l got a better one.

349 00:19:28,599 --> 00:19:30,835 Uh, excuse moi, Raquel.

350 00:19:30,900 --> 00:19:35,871 l just wanted to come by and welcome you to my show.

351 00:19:35,933 --> 00:19:39,636 Thank you, Miss Piggy, but l understood that you weren't too happy

352 00:19:39,700 --> 00:19:41,501 about me being on the show.

353 00:19:41,566 --> 00:19:44,168 Oh, where did you ever get that idea?

354 00:19:44,233 --> 00:19:48,337 Believe me, l understand. After all, it is your show, and l'm just a guest here.

355 00:19:48,400 --> 00:19:50,502 Raquel, Raquel, Raquel!

356 00:19:50,566 --> 00:19:54,136 The burdens of being an international sex goddess.

357 00:19:54,200 --> 00:19:55,467 Yes, well, l suppose.

358 00:19:55,533 --> 00:19:58,168 lt must be nearly as tough for you.

359 00:19:58,233 --> 00:19:59,667 Mmm-hmm.

360 00:19:59,733 --> 00:20:03,203 You know, sometimes, l really feel like

361 00:20:03,266 --> 00:20:06,035 renouncing the whole thing, the whole image.

362 00:20:06,099 --> 00:20:08,836 Yes, me too. It gets to be kind of a bore, doesn't it?

363 00:20:08,900 --> 00:20:09,934 Mmm-hmm.

364 00:20:10,000 --> 00:20:12,435 There's still a lot ofjoy Ieft in being a woman.

365 00:20:12,500 --> 00:20:13,934 - Don't you agree? - Mmm-hmm.

366 00:20:14,000 --> 00:20:16,168 l plan to gather up all l can while it lasts.

367 00:20:16,233 --> 00:20:17,334 [Scooter] Raquel?

368 00:20:17,400 --> 00:20:19,735 Standby for your solo number.

369 00:20:21,700 --> 00:20:23,034 Solo?

370 00:20:23,933 --> 00:20:26,035 Yes. You don't mind, do you?

371 00:20:26,099 --> 00:20:28,702 Of course not. l... l...

372 00:20:28,766 --> 00:20:31,935 Oh, is that the costume for the solo number?

373 00:20:32,000 --> 00:20:33,167 How sweet.

374 00:20:33,233 --> 00:20:35,702 Thank you. They made it especially for me.

375 00:20:35,766 --> 00:20:38,201 Oh, especially pour vous.

376 00:20:38,266 --> 00:20:41,035 Hmm, how très très happy l am pour vous.

377 00:20:41,099 --> 00:20:44,069 [speaks French]

378 00:20:44,133 --> 00:20:45,701 Yeah, yeah, whatever.

379 00:20:45,766 --> 00:20:48,568 Uh, l, uh... l think l shall go now

380 00:20:48,633 --> 00:20:51,569 to be up close where l can really see you.

381 00:20:51,633 --> 00:20:54,035 Why, thank you. In the front row?

382 00:20:54,099 --> 00:20:55,968 Closer than that.

383 00:20:57,500 --> 00:20:58,834 [fanfare]

384 00:20:58,900 --> 00:21:01,435 Now, once again, Iadies and gentlemen, it's time

385 00:21:01,500 --> 00:21:04,903 for our wonderFul and indescribable, fantastic guest star...

386 00:21:04,966 --> 00:21:07,234 - Is she... Is she ready yet? - [muppet] Who?

387 00:21:07,299 --> 00:21:09,235 - Raquel. - Oh, yeah, yeah.

388 00:21:09,299 --> 00:21:11,435 Ladies and gentlemen, Raquel Welch!

389 00:21:14,266 --> 00:21:16,935 (# l'm A WomanI

390 00:21:26,133 --> 00:21:30,437 and have 'em hangin' out on the line
 * 1) l can wash out 44 pairs of socks

391 00:21:31,400 --> 00:21:33,401 and iron mo dozens shirts
 * 1) l can starch

392 00:21:33,466 --> 00:21:35,968 from one to nine
 * 1) 'Fore you can count

393 00:21:36,033 --> 00:21:38,568
 * 1) l can scoop up a great big dipper

394 00:21:38,633 --> 00:21:41,535
 * 1) Full of lard from the drippin's can

395 00:21:41,599 --> 00:21:44,035 Go out and do my shopping
 * 1) Throw it in the skillet

396 00:21:44,099 --> 00:21:46,001 before it melts in the pan
 * 1) And be back

397 00:21:46,066 --> 00:21:48,234
 * 1) 'Cause l'm a woman!

398 00:21:49,566 --> 00:21:51,734 _ W... O...

399 00:21:51,799 --> 00:21:53,735
 * 1) M-A-N

400 00:21:53,799 --> 00:21:56,002
 * 1) Like to say it again

401 00:21:57,900 --> 00:22:02,271 till it's shinin'just like a dime
 * 1) l can rub and scrub this house

402 00:22:03,133 --> 00:22:05,735 and powder my face
 * 1) F_ the baby, grease the car

403 00:22:05,799 --> 00:22:07,835
 * 1) All at the same time

404 00:22:08,733 --> 00:22:12,870 Go out and swing till 4am and then
 * 1) l can get all dressed up

405 00:22:13,866 --> 00:22:16,401
 * 1) Lay down at 5:OO, jump up at 6:OO

406 00:22:16,466 --> 00:22:18,234
 * 1) And start all over again

407 00:22:18,299 --> 00:22:20,568
 * 1) 'Cause l'm a woman!

408 00:22:21,900 --> 00:22:24,135 _ W... O...

409 00:22:24,200 --> 00:22:26,101
 * 1) M-A-N

410 00:22:26,166 --> 00:22:29,068 - # Like to say it again - Ha, ha! Yes, we would!

411 00:22:30,133 --> 00:22:34,370 you know that l'm gonna make you well
 * 1) If you come to me sickly

412 00:22:35,500 --> 00:22:40,037 you know l'm gonna break the spell
 * 1) If you come to me hexed up

413 00:22:40,833 --> 00:22:45,304 l'm gonna fill you all full of grits
 * 1) If you come to me hungy you know

414 00:22:46,200 --> 00:22:50,304 kiss you and give you the shiverin' fits
 * 1) If it's lovin' you're lackin' l'll

415 00:22:50,366 --> 00:22:52,768
 * 1) 'Cause l'm a woman!

416 00:22:53,933 --> 00:22:56,168 _ W... O...

417 00:22:56,233 --> 00:22:57,701
 * 1) M-A-N

418 00:22:57,766 --> 00:23:00,201 - # Like to say it again - # Like to say it again

419 00:23:02,200 --> 00:23:04,468 a greenback dollar bill
 * 1) l can stretch

420 00:23:04,533 --> 00:23:06,668
 * 1) from here to kingdom come

421 00:23:07,566 --> 00:23:11,369 and still end up with some
 * 1) l can play the numbers, pay the bills

422 00:23:11,433 --> 00:23:12,801 Uh-huh.

423 00:23:12,866 --> 00:23:16,869 says there ain't nothing l can't do
 * 1) l got a 20 dollar gold piece

424 00:23:16,933 --> 00:23:20,870
 * 1) l can make a dress out of a f_ sack

425 00:23:20,933 --> 00:23:22,534 You can what?

426 00:23:22,599 --> 00:23:26,003 l said l can make a dress out of a food sack.

427 00:23:27,033 --> 00:23:28,934 What do you do with a food sack dress?

428 00:23:29,000 --> 00:23:30,968 Honey, l can make anything look good.

429 00:23:31,033 --> 00:23:32,868 Oh, yes!

430 00:23:32,933 --> 00:23:35,402
 * 1) 'Cause l'm a woman

431 00:23:36,599 --> 00:23:38,635 _ W... O...

432 00:23:38,700 --> 00:23:39,867
 * 1) M-A-N

433 00:23:39,933 --> 00:23:40,967 Ah-ha!

434 00:23:41,033 --> 00:23:42,467
 * 1) Like to say it again

435 00:23:42,533 --> 00:23:43,667 Hoo, hoo!

436 00:23:43,733 --> 00:23:47,303
 * 1) 'Cause l'm a woman

437 00:23:48,533 --> 00:23:50,101 _ W... O...

438 00:23:50,166 --> 00:23:51,300 [clears throat]

439 00:23:51,366 --> 00:23:53,768 _ P... l...

440 00:23:53,833 --> 00:23:56,869 _ G

441 00:23:56,933 --> 00:23:58,934
 * 1) And that's all #

442 00:24:11,466 --> 00:24:13,668 We've done evemhing we had planned to do,

443 00:24:13,733 --> 00:24:16,001 so l seriously suspect that this is the end.

444 00:24:16,066 --> 00:24:18,701 But, before we go, Iet us have a warm thank you

445 00:24:18,766 --> 00:24:22,636 to our vey special guest star, Miss Raquel Welch, yay!

446 00:24:22,700 --> 00:24:24,535 - [applause] - All right!

447 00:24:24,599 --> 00:24:27,035 Oh, wow! Oh, yeah!

448 00:24:27,099 --> 00:24:29,769 Thank you vey much, Kermit. l had a wonderFul time.

449 00:24:29,833 --> 00:24:31,601 l don't think l changed my image.

450 00:24:31,666 --> 00:24:35,236 Hey, Raquel, sweetie, baby, wanna go tell a joke together? Ahhh.

451 00:24:35,299 --> 00:24:39,003 You may not have changed your image, but l think you may have changed ours.

452 00:24:39,066 --> 00:24:40,133 [Fozzie chuckles]

453 00:24:40,200 --> 00:24:42,368 We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!

454 00:24:42,433 --> 00:24:44,034 Bye-bye!

455 00:25:20,500 --> 00:25:23,269 Have you ever thought there must be life after death?

456 00:25:23,333 --> 00:25:25,101 Evey time l leave this theater.

457 00:25:25,166 --> 00:25:26,500 [laughs]

458 00:25:26,566 --> 00:25:27,667 [moans]