Episode 201: Don Knotts/transcript

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00:00:08:25 00:00:12:15 [knock on door] Don Knotts. Don Knotts.

00:00:12:17 00:00:15:29 Twentyfive seconds to curtain, Mr. Knotts.

00:00:16:13 00:00:18:27 What are you doing hiding there behind the table?

00:00:18:29 00:00:21:23 Listen, nobody told me l had to share a dressing room.

00:00:21:25 00:00:24:21 Didn.t they tell you about her? Her?

00:00:24:23 00:00:29:13 What.s the matter, sweetie? You don.t like chorus girls?

00:00:30:27 00:00:32:27 [drumroll]

00:00:32:29 00:00:36:21 lt.s The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Mr. Don Knotts.

00:00:36:23 00:00:38:23 [applause and whistles]

00:00:51:14 00:00:55:02 ♪ lt's time to play the music lt's time to light the light

00:00:55:04 00:00:59:09 ♪ lt's time to meet the Muppets on The Muppet Show tonight

00:00:59:11 00:01:03:21 ♪ lt's time to put on makeup lt's time to dress up right

00:01:03:23 00:01:05:29 ♪ lt's time to get things started

00:01:08:04 00:01:09:26 ♪ lt's time to get things started

00:01:09:29 00:01:12:02 ♪ On the most sensational, inspirational

00:01:12:05 00:01:14:10 ♪ Celebrational, Muppetational

00:01:14:13 00:01:20:09 ♪ This is what we call The Muppet Show! ♪

00:01:21:05 00:01:22:15 [highpitch squeak]

00:01:23:21 00:01:25:11 Sorry.

00:01:28:11 00:01:30:23 Thank you! Thank you! Thank you, thank you,

00:01:30:25 00:01:32:29 and welcome again to The Muppet Show,

00:01:33:01 00:01:35:29 Listen, our guest star tonight is the slightly nervous,

00:01:36:01 00:01:39:27 but very funny, Mr. Don Knotts. But first, just for fun,

00:01:39:29 00:01:42:21 here is a gingerflavored opening number.

00:01:42:23 00:01:44:17 [applause]

00:01:44:20 00:01:47:19 [♪ Sweet Gingerbread Man]

00:03:55:13 00:03:56:23 [applause]

00:03:57:26 00:04:00:03 l know what.s wrong with this show. What?

00:04:00:06 00:04:02:11 lt.s the theater. What.s wrong with it?

00:04:02:14 00:04:05:23 The seats face the stage. [both chuckling]

00:04:05:25 00:04:08:03 Thank you. Hi. Hiya, hiya.

00:04:08:05 00:04:09:16 Hey, hey, hey. Listen.

00:04:09:18 00:04:12:08 Kermit is letting me help plan tonight.s show.

00:04:12:10 00:04:15:27 Uh, that.s true, folks. He plans his parts, and l plan the good parts.

00:04:17:12 00:04:19:18 Kermit! l.m just kidding, Fozzie.

00:04:19:20 00:04:22:00 Go ahead, make your introduction. Oh, OK.

00:04:22:02 00:04:26:10 Moving right along, we take you now for a trip into...

00:04:26:12 00:04:29:04 [echoing] ...inner space.

00:04:31:11 00:04:32:28 l.m very relaxed.

00:04:33:01 00:04:35:27 l.m terribly calm and tranquil,

00:04:35:29 00:04:38:21 and very, very relaxed indeed.

00:04:38:23 00:04:41:29 On the outside, but on the inside...

00:04:42:01 00:04:45:01 [♪ Windmills Of Your Mind]

00:05:14:24 00:05:17:24 [singing faster]

00:05:23:10 00:05:26:00 [accelerated singing]

00:05:54:27 00:05:58:15 But on the outside l.m very calm.

00:05:58:27 00:06:01:05 [screams]

00:06:01:22 00:06:04:03 Well, how.d you like that opening number?

00:06:04:05 00:06:06:03 Hmm? Oh, l didn.t notice it.

00:06:06:19 00:06:09:17 Didn.t notice it? How is that possible?

00:06:09:19 00:06:13:07 lt was loud and raucous with a screaming thing running amok.

00:06:13:10 00:06:15:13 [sighs] How could you not notice it?

00:06:15:16 00:06:18:17 Well, in the future l.ll try to be more observant.

00:06:18:20 00:06:21:10 [screaming]

00:06:23:08 00:06:25:24 Would you do that, please? [crashing]

00:06:27:24 00:06:29:24 This is fun. l really want to thank you

00:06:29:26 00:06:32:10 for letting me help plan tonight.s show, Kermit.

00:06:32:12 00:06:35:22 Well, l wish we planned something calmer for the opening spot.

00:06:35:24 00:06:37:14 He looks calm enough to me.

00:06:38:04 00:06:41:18 OK, green thing, the band has asked me to have a word with you.

00:06:41:20 00:06:42:20 Yeah?

00:06:42:22 00:06:45:16 l refer, specifically, to the closing number.

00:06:46:13 00:06:47:27 Oh, boy.

00:06:48:17 00:06:51:02 Uh, well, l tell you, this is not my fault this time.

00:06:51:05 00:06:53:22 See, Fozzie Bear helped me plan tonight.s show,

00:06:53:24 00:06:57:03 and he was the one that wanted the band to play Lullaby of Birdland,

00:06:57:05 00:06:58:15 That was Fozzie.

00:06:59:07 00:07:02:27 [growls] So this is the bear.s doing, huh?

00:07:02:29 00:07:05:05 You bet. Oh, hi, Floyd.

00:07:05:07 00:07:08:17 Uh, isn.t Lullaby of Birdland all right?

00:07:08:19 00:07:11:19 All right? Hey, it.s terrific!

00:07:12:09 00:07:14:07 lt is? lt is?

00:07:14:09 00:07:17:05 Yeah. Lullaby of Birdland is a jazz classic.

00:07:17:08 00:07:20:06 At last we got some decent music in this gig.

00:07:20:20 00:07:23:00 [scoffs] Yeah. Lullaby of Birdland,

00:07:23:02 00:07:25:14 Why isn.t the bear running things around here?

00:07:26:08 00:07:30:06 Yeah! Why isn.t the bear running things around here?

00:07:30:08 00:07:33:26 Yeah, why isn.t the frog auditioning new comedians?

00:07:35:06 00:07:37:20 Why isn.t the bear keeping his mouth shut?

00:07:39:04 00:07:41:04 [fanfare] OK, right now it.s time

00:07:41:06 00:07:43:04 for something good to happen,

00:07:43:06 00:07:46:00 and that something is tonight.s very funny guest star.

00:07:46:02 00:07:49:06 Welcome, please, the very relaxed Mr. Don Knotts.

00:07:49:08 00:07:51:12 [applause]

00:07:57:11 00:07:58:25 Thank you, boys and girls,

00:07:58:27 00:08:01:01 and welcome to Beast of the Week,

00:08:01:03 00:08:04:15 The program that presents the most hideous, repulsive

00:08:04:17 00:08:06:19 and disgusting animals in the world

00:08:06:21 00:08:09:11 just to amuse you sweet little kiddies.

00:08:10:07 00:08:15:07 Tonight.s creature was just discovered, so it doesn.t even have a name yet.

00:08:15:09 00:08:16:29 Shall we? [chuckles]

00:08:17:01 00:08:18:17 [clears throat]

00:08:21:03 00:08:22:21 [soft growling]

00:08:22:23 00:08:25:11 [Knotts] Oh, cute little fella, isn.t it?

00:08:25:14 00:08:28:27 Uh, this is the first one ever born in captivity,

00:08:29:00 00:08:32:15 and it.s also the first time we.ve had it away from its mother.

00:08:32:18 00:08:33:20 [soft growling]

00:08:33:22 00:08:36:04 So l don.t know quite what to expect myself,

00:08:36:06 00:08:38:25 so maybe we.ll just learn together, huh?

00:08:39:18 00:08:40:28 [deep breath]

00:08:41:27 00:08:43:01 [gasps]

00:08:43:14 00:08:46:20 Well, one thing we.ve just learned: lt can get out of a cage,

00:08:46:22 00:08:50:12 which l was told was absolutely escapeproof.

00:08:51:16 00:08:53:22 Uh... [growls]

00:08:53:24 00:08:55:14 l better get him to...

00:08:56:06 00:08:58:00 [soft growling]

00:08:59:05 00:09:01:01 Oh, look at that.

00:09:01:03 00:09:03:08 He.s found something shaped like himself.

00:09:03:11 00:09:05:10 l believe he thinks they.re related.

00:09:05:25 00:09:09:03 lsn.t that cute, boys and girls? He.s trying to make friends.

00:09:09:05 00:09:11:05 [angry growl]

00:09:12:03 00:09:14:15 Not, uh... Not trying to make friends.

00:09:14:17 00:09:17:04 He.s... l.ll just, uh, get the globe.

00:09:18:21 00:09:20:21 [snarling] Aaah!

00:09:20:23 00:09:24:03 [snarling]

00:09:24:05 00:09:25:23 l could use some helpers.

00:09:26:28 00:09:28:16 [creature snarling]

00:09:30:17 00:09:32:07 [gasping]

00:09:38:16 00:09:40:03 [grunts, groans]

00:09:42:03 00:09:43:13 Where.d it go?

00:09:43:15 00:09:46:10 Where.d...? [creature growling softly]

00:09:49:10 00:09:52:14 This is where my years of training as a zookeeper pay off.

00:09:52:16 00:09:54:22 You notice l don.t make any sudden moves.

00:09:54:24 00:09:56:14 [gentle growling]

00:09:57:16 00:10:01:16 [chuckles] He.s getting less frightened of me. l guess it likes me.

00:10:01:18 00:10:04:00 [slurping] [laughing] Stop it!

00:10:04:02 00:10:05:14 That tickles. [blowing]

00:10:05:17 00:10:08:04 lt.s blowing in my ear. [chuckles]

00:10:08:07 00:10:09:24 [growling softly] [groans]

00:10:09:27 00:10:11:28 Ooh, ooh! [chuckles]

00:10:12:01 00:10:13:19 Gotcha.

00:10:15:11 00:10:17:05 Well, boys and girls,

00:10:17:07 00:10:21:01 uh, that about wraps up tonight.s Beast of the Week,

00:10:21:03 00:10:24:27 We.ve got to get this little fella back to its mother before she wakes up.

00:10:24:29 00:10:28:09 You see, the mother is very possessive of its offspring.

00:10:28:11 00:10:31:29 And if she should discover it missing, she could get very upset.

00:10:32:01 00:10:34:01 [loud growling]

00:10:34:27 00:10:37:01 What.s that? Mama.

00:10:38:08 00:10:39:25 Mother? How could that be?

00:10:39:28 00:10:41:29 She.s in the cage. lt.s escapeproof.

00:10:42:02 00:10:44:12 [snarling]

00:10:55:24 00:10:58:24 Well, that Don Knotts is one great performer.

00:10:58:26 00:11:01:22 He certainly is. When is he gonna be on?

00:11:01:24 00:11:05:02 He was just on. Oh. Did l like him?

00:11:05:04 00:11:08:08 Yeah, you laughed like crazy. Oh, good. [chuckles]

00:11:08:10 00:11:11:06 He.s got a great sense of humor, but a terrible memory.

00:11:14:11 00:11:16:12 Fozzie, my main bear.

00:11:16:15 00:11:17:27 Mmm. What it is?

00:11:17:29 00:11:20:11 You know everybody in the band is so blown away

00:11:20:13 00:11:24:11 by the fact that you suggested we do Lullaby of Birdland on the show.

00:11:24:13 00:11:26:27 Blown away? ls that good?

00:11:27:19 00:11:29:03 Good? Yes?

00:11:29:19 00:11:32:11 Fozzie, you.re so hip you make us flip.

00:11:32:13 00:11:34:01 ln fact, we just took a vote

00:11:34:03 00:11:36:29 and made you a bona fide registered Hip Dude.

00:11:37:01 00:11:38:17 You have won your shades.

00:11:38:19 00:11:42:07 My shades! Yeah. Now these are the official

00:11:42:09 00:11:44:25 ..Charlie Parker lives.. supercool sunglasses.

00:11:46:12 00:11:48:27 Thank you! Welcome to Groovydom.

00:11:49:00 00:11:52:24 Oh! Will you please tell the band how honored l am!

00:11:52:26 00:11:56:04 Oh, boy, l can.t wait to tell Kermit. Kermit!

00:11:58:20 00:12:01:22 [male announcer] And now, Veterinarian.s Hospital,

00:12:01:24 00:12:04:18 the continuing story of a quack

00:12:04:20 00:12:07:02 who's gone to the dogs,

00:12:07:22 00:12:10:04 Well, let.s take a look at our next patient.

00:12:10:06 00:12:13:28 What seems to be his problem? l think he has flat feet, Dr. Bob.

00:12:14:00 00:12:16:02 Looks more like a flat tire to me.

00:12:16:04 00:12:18:02 l think it.s a case of three left feet.

00:12:18:05 00:12:19:06 [all laughing]

00:12:19:09 00:12:22:00 Three feet, Dr. Bob. What do you make of that?

00:12:22:03 00:12:24:02 Oh, about a yard. [rimshot plays]

00:12:25:05 00:12:27:11 But is it serious, Dr. Bob?

00:12:27:13 00:12:29:29 Let.s face it, this bird has one foot in the grave.

00:12:30:01 00:12:32:03 But he has three feet on the table.

00:12:32:05 00:12:35:19 That.s nothing. l left two feet in Cincinnati.

00:12:35:21 00:12:38:19 That.s six feet, Dr. Bob. What do you make of that?

00:12:38:21 00:12:41:03 Oh, about a fathom. [rimshot plays]

00:12:42:07 00:12:44:15 l certainly can.t fathom any of this.

00:12:44:17 00:12:48:23 [announcer] And so Dr, Bob has performed another amazing medical feat,

00:12:48:25 00:12:52:11 Tune in next week when we'll hear Nurse Piggy say,,,

00:12:52:14 00:12:54:26 Shall we call in a specialist, Dr. Bob?

00:12:54:28 00:12:56:27 No, just call a tow truck.

00:12:56:29 00:13:01:10 [all laughing] That tickles!

00:13:03:02 00:13:05:02 [applause]

00:13:05:24 00:13:07:26 [♪ Burlington Bertie from Bow]

00:14:53:19 00:14:54:29 [song ends]

00:14:56:17 00:14:58:21 [cheering, whistling]

00:15:03:23 00:15:06:05 Hmm. Strange.

00:15:06:08 00:15:09:07 Fozzie told me to meet him here and we could chat for a while.

00:15:09:10 00:15:11:06 [crashing]

00:15:11:08 00:15:13:22 [Fozzie groaning] Sorry, lady.

00:15:13:24 00:15:17:02 Oh, boy. Oh, boy, oh, boy.

00:15:17:04 00:15:18:17 Hi, Fozzie. Aaah!

00:15:18:19 00:15:21:18 Oh, hello, Don. Good to see you.

00:15:22:14 00:15:23:24 [yelps]

00:15:24:22 00:15:26:22 Oh. Oh, hi, Don. Didn.t see you.

00:15:26:24 00:15:30:04 Why don.t you take off the sunglasses? l couldn.t do that.

00:15:30:06 00:15:33:28 The band gave me these because they think l am so hip.

00:15:34:00 00:15:35:10 Oh, l see.

00:15:36:02 00:15:38:19 Confidentially, uh, l always wanted to be hip.

00:15:38:22 00:15:40:00 Oh, yeah? Yeah.

00:15:40:03 00:15:42:24 Personally, l.ve never had that problem. [sniffles]

00:15:42:27 00:15:44:22 Yeah! You know how it is.

00:15:44:24 00:15:48:07 When you.ve got it, you.ve got it. l mean, when you.re hip, you.re hip.

00:15:48:10 00:15:49:23 Yeah.

00:15:49:25 00:15:53:21 Uh, Don, if you.re so hip, where are your shades?

00:15:53:23 00:15:56:29 Shades? You want shades, l.ll show you shades.

00:15:57:01 00:16:00:03 Look at that. Huh? How.s that?

00:16:01:13 00:16:03:09 How about that, huh? Yeah!

00:16:03:11 00:16:05:15 Good to see ya! That.s my man!

00:16:05:17 00:16:08:29 That.s my bear! Gimme five! Whatever! All right! Yeah!

00:16:11:28 00:16:14:03 Yeah. [crashing]

00:16:14:06 00:16:17:11 Don! Don, Don, Don! [Don groaning]

00:16:22:12 00:16:25:08 [♪ What a Wonderful World]

00:18:23:25 00:18:25:05 [song ends]

00:18:31:16 00:18:34:14 Hey, sounded lovely, sounded wonderful.

00:18:35:16 00:18:37:04 Wish l knew how it looked.

00:18:37:24 00:18:40:12 Hey, Fozzie, my main fuzzy. Oh, Floyd.

00:18:40:14 00:18:43:04 Yeah. Listen, one of the dudes in the band

00:18:43:06 00:18:47:14 is so turned on by the fact that you suggested we do Lullaby of Birdland,

00:18:47:16 00:18:50:02 he would like to shake your hand personally.

00:18:50:04 00:18:52:24 Hey, out of sight! OK.

00:18:52:26 00:18:55:12 [growling] Thank you!

00:18:56:14 00:19:00:20 No, Animal! You promised! Hey, man! Heel, heel!

00:19:03:21 00:19:05:19 [groaning]

00:19:05:21 00:19:08:06 l didn.t know it hurt to be hip.

00:19:12:09 00:19:15:19 [singing in mock Swedish]

00:19:21:23 00:19:23:03 [rattling]

00:19:25:27 00:19:28:23 [mumbling] ...a fishy chowder.

00:19:28:25 00:19:32:02 And for the fishy chowder we have the fishy fish.

00:19:32:05 00:19:35:17 Fishy fishy. [humming]

00:19:35:24 00:19:38:27 [mumbling indistinctly]

00:19:41:18 00:19:43:00 [pot rattling on floor]

00:20:03:27 00:20:05:27 [gurgling]

00:20:15:29 00:20:18:11 [groaning]

00:20:18:13 00:20:19:28 What.s wrong with you?

00:20:20:00 00:20:22:21 [groans] lt.s either this show or indigestion.

00:20:22:23 00:20:25:07 l hope it.s indigestion. Why?

00:20:25:09 00:20:28:00 lt.ll get better in a little while. Oh.

00:20:29:29 00:20:32:02 Fozzie, my fuzzy. Hey!

00:20:32:04 00:20:34:08 Hey, everything is everything.

00:20:34:10 00:20:36:09 Whatever! Hey! Mmhmm.

00:20:36:11 00:20:38:01 l was just wonderin.... Yes!

00:20:38:04 00:20:41:11 ...how you were enjoying your new title as Official Hip Dude.

00:20:41:14 00:20:43:15 Oh, l love it. l love the title.

00:20:43:18 00:20:45:24 Just wish it came with a flashlight.

00:20:47:08 00:20:50:00 Floyd, Floyd, it.s time to do Lullaby of Birdland,

00:20:50:02 00:20:51:28 Ooh, yeah. Speaking of which, uh,

00:20:52:00 00:20:54:12 since l.m playing vibes in this number,

00:20:54:14 00:20:56:22 we.re gonna need another player for the bass.

00:20:56:24 00:20:59:10 Floyd, how can l find a bass player now? You.re on.

00:20:59:12 00:21:02:18 Hey, Kermit, no problem!

00:21:02:20 00:21:05:18 l have already found the perfect bass player.

00:21:05:20 00:21:09:10 Floyd, you just go out there and start cookin., baby!

00:21:09:12 00:21:12:14 Ah, yeah, my bear. l knew you were a gas.

00:21:12:17 00:21:14:15 Yes! All right!

00:21:14:17 00:21:19:25 And l will introduce this number for my hip brothers, green stuff.

00:21:19:27 00:21:21:17 Hey, hey!

00:21:23:25 00:21:25:25 The, uh, bear has wigged out.

00:21:26:23 00:21:29:03 Hey! All right!

00:21:29:05 00:21:32:06 All you hip dudes and swinging sisters out...

00:21:34:03 00:21:35:25 Hey! All right!

00:21:35:27 00:21:38:29 All you hip dudes and swinging sisters out there,

00:21:39:01 00:21:43:23 time for a great golden goodie from Fozzie.s Wiggie Wonder World.

00:21:43:25 00:21:47:13 Here is Lullaby of Birdland,

00:21:50:20 00:21:53:11 Search no more, my man. You must be the bass player.

00:21:53:13 00:21:55:22 How.d you guess? Oh, a shot in the dark.

00:21:55:24 00:21:58:08 OK, l.m cool.

00:22:00:06 00:22:04:04 We.re gonna lay down a little Lullaby of Birdland on this cornball show.

00:22:04:06 00:22:05:22 Can you dig it? Can l dig it?

00:22:05:24 00:22:07:22 l got the music right here.

00:22:07:24 00:22:11:00 Sheet music. l haven.t seen that stuff for years.

00:22:11:02 00:22:13:19 Look at that, the cat can follow the dots.

00:22:14:10 00:22:18:29 All right. Now, Lullaby of Birdland,

00:22:19:02 00:22:20:19 Uno, dos, tres,,,

00:22:21:17 00:22:24:16 [♪ Lullaby of Birdland]

00:22:27:23 00:22:30:13 Wait a minute! Hey, hey! Hold it!

00:22:31:03 00:22:34:23 What in the pluperfect past tense was that?

00:22:34:25 00:22:37:04 The Lullaby of Birdland, man.

00:22:37:06 00:22:40:22 Oh, yeah? Well, it sounds like the bird died.

00:22:42:05 00:22:45:15 You better lose the bow, baby. l knew something was wrong.

00:22:45:17 00:22:47:27 Yeah. All right, here we go, guys.

00:22:47:29 00:22:49:17 Eins, zwei, drei,,,

00:22:50:13 00:22:53:15 [♪ Lullaby of Birdland]

00:22:59:23 00:23:02:07 Faster, man. This ain.t no wedding.

00:23:10:20 00:23:12:06 Faster, man, faster.

00:23:17:19 00:23:19:10 [Floyd] Take it, Don.

00:23:20:06 00:23:21:16 All right!

00:23:24:08 00:23:26:20 [Animal] Yeah! [Floyd] All right, do it!

00:23:32:17 00:23:34:00 Here we go!

00:23:36:16 00:23:38:21 [explosion]

00:23:41:17 00:23:43:23 Ah. l loved it!

00:23:52:18 00:23:54:18 Well, that.s it for another show.

00:23:54:20 00:23:57:27 l.d like to thank the guy who helped me plan tonight.s merriment,

00:23:57:29 00:24:00:06 good ol. Fozzie Bear. Uh, hooha, hello?

00:24:00:09 00:24:02:08 Ha... Hello? Hello, hello?

00:24:02:11 00:24:03:20 [screams] [crashing]

00:24:03:22 00:24:06:02 You went too far, Fozzie.

00:24:06:04 00:24:08:28 Anyhow, and, of course, our very special guest star,

00:24:09:00 00:24:11:16 the wonderful Mr. Don Knotts. [applause]

00:24:14:08 00:24:15:28 Thank you. Thank you, Kermit...

00:24:16:00 00:24:17:18 ...wherever you are.

00:24:17:20 00:24:21:08 Hey, hey! Me and the band just took another vote

00:24:21:10 00:24:23:24 because of what happened in the Birdland number.

00:24:23:26 00:24:25:18 Yeah? You have been officially

00:24:25:20 00:24:27:26 and permanently deshaded.

00:24:27:28 00:24:30:20 Take off your peepholes. Oh, no.

00:24:30:22 00:24:33:21 Oh, don.t worry, Fozzie. Always remember...

00:24:33:23 00:24:35:19 ...square is beautiful.

00:24:35:21 00:24:39:01 You bet! l.ll see that bet and raise you five.

00:24:39:03 00:24:42:29 That.s it for tonight. We.ll see you all next time on The Muppet Show!

00:24:43:01 00:24:45:21 [cheering] [applause]

00:25:26:14 00:25:28:06 This show is awful. Terrible.

00:25:28:08 00:25:29:28 Disgusting. See you next week?

00:25:30:00 00:25:31:10 Of course.