Episode 413: Dizzy Gillespie/transcript

Scooter: Dizzy Gillespie? Dizzy Gillespie, fifteen seconds to curtain, Dizzy. Oh, uh. Say, Diz. Kermit does have one rule for this show.

Dizzy: What's that?

Scooter: No puppets allowed.

Dizzy: What? I guess I have to play the trumpet, then.

Kermit: It's The Muppet Show! With our very special guest star, Dizzy Gillespie!

"The Muppet Show Theme"

Waldorf: Poor Statler. He couldn't take it anymore.

Kermit: Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, hi-ho, and welcome to another one. Uh, we call these things Muppet Shows, and we call tonight's Mupet Show a good one. And that's because our very special guest star is the amazing master of jazz, Mr. Dizzy Gillespie. Why, tonight even Statler and Waldorf will have a good time.

Waldorf: Statler isn't here tonight, Kermit. He's sick.

Kermit: Oh, that's too bad. The flu?

Waldorf: No, the show. He's sick of it.

Kermit: Well, uh, don't get lonely up there, okay?

Waldorf: Not much chance of that. My wife is using Statler's ticket. She's just powdering her nose.

Kermit: No kidding, I've always wanted to meet your wife.

Astoria: I thought the show had started. Who's the frog?

Waldorf: Uh, that's Kermit, dear.

Kermit: What's your wife's name, Waldorf?

Waldorf: Astoria.

Kermit: It figures.

Astoria: Come on, kill the small talk. Isn't there any music on this show?

Kermit: Oh yes indeed, Astoria. Uh, in honor of Dizzy Gillespie, we present an all jazz evening, starting with...

Astoria: Can the commentary! Hit it, boys! One, two, three!

"Blue Fish Blues"

Astoria: Now, let me get this straight. This is a typical show, right Waldorf?

Waldorf: Well, I'd say so, Astoria my dear.

Astoria: First, a frog talks. And then a fish sings.

Waldorf: Mm-hm. I wanted you to see for yourself. I bet you thought I came here to have a good time.

Kermit: Okay, nicely done fish.

LaBrea: Are you Kermit the Frog?

Kermit: Uh, yeah.

LaBrea: Well, I'm Inspector LaBrea, County Environmental Department?

Kermit: Oh?

LaBrea: I'm going to record the loudness level on your show. You see, there have been some complaints about the noise.

Kermit: Too much noise on our show? Uh, well, what kind of noise?

LaBrea: Certainly not applause and laughter! Ha-ha!

Kermit: Hah-heh.

LaBrea: You see, music is your big problem. Let me show ya.

Kermit: You're concerned about noise, huh?

LaBrea: Huh?

Kermit: I say, you're concerned about noise?!

LaBrea: Yeah, yeah.

Kermit: It's the music, so, huh?

LaBrea: Uh, yes. You see, your strings are okay. But the brass, especially the trumpet, is murder.

Fozzie: Oh, terrific. Kermit, hey, it's time to introduce Dizzy Gillespie.

LaBrea: Who?

Kermit: Uh, uh, Izzy Gilleskie, uh, one of the world's greatest violinists.

Fozzie: Izzy? What are you talking about, violinist? You know Dizzy plays... ah-aah! Oh Ker- why did you do that?

Kermit: Uh, Fozzie, why don't you take the noise inspector -- NOISE inspector LaBrea down to the canteen for a cup of coffee?

Fozzie: Gotcha, got- ah-ha! Uh, let's go sir.

LaBrea: Uh, yeah.

Fozzie: Gotcha.

Kermit: Okay, ladies and gentlemen, one of the living legends of jazz is with us tonight. Uh, there's no sense talking about it when we could be listening. Here he is ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Dizzy Gillespie, yaaay!

"St. Louis Blues"

Waldorf: Well, what did you think of that, poopsie?

Astoria: Well, not too bad.

Waldorf: Mm-hm.

Astoria: I can understand why you keep doing it, week after week.

Waldorf: You can?

Astoria: By the way, how much do they pay you?

Waldorf: Pay me?

Astoria: Of course. Can you imagine some poor, stupid turkey doing this for nothing?

Waldorf: heh-heh-heh, gobble gobble.

Slim Wilson: Hey, do you know how to get to Carnegie Hall?

Floyd: Practice, man. Practice.

Zoot: The old ones are the best ones.

Fozzie: Kermit? Kermit, hey I'm sorry. I didn't know he was a noise inspector.

Kermit: Aw, that's okay. He's perfectly safe down in the canteen.

Fozzie: That's what you think. The Chef is mashing potatoes on his anvil.

LaBrea: [screaming]

Swedish Chef: [mock Swedish]

Floyd: Man, I thought they'd never leave.

Kermit: Yeah, enough of these musician jokes. That guy's an inspector. He's recording the show.

Zoot: Hm, groovy. Maybe we'll make the charts.

Kermit: It's not that kind of recording.

LaBrea: [out of breath] That guy's a maniac!

Kermit: I know, but he doesn't make much noise.

Chef: [mock Swedish]

Floyd: Hey man, what was that?

Zoot: B flat.

Announcer: And now, Veterinarian's Hospital. The continuing story of a quack who's gone to the dogs.

Pig: Miss Piggy, I'm back and you've got to know, I love you, I love you, I love you.

Piggy: Aw, only three times? Last week you loved me four times.

Pig: I've been sick.

Rowlf: Hey, just a minute. Are you back in, I've already taken out your appendix and your tonsils, what's the matter now?

Pig: Dr. Bob, I love Miss Piggy.

Rowlf: I see. Prepare the patient for brain surgery.

Piggy: Watch it, Doc. This patient has good taste.

Rowlf: Oh yeah? Then why does he have me for a doctor?

Janice: Brain surgery? Are you serious, Dr. Bob?

Rowlf: No, I'm Comical Dr. Bob. Serious Dr. Bob was my brother the comedian.

Miss Piggy: You have a brother who was a comedian?

Rowlf: Well, I did. Until he fell into a vat of molten optical glass.

Pig: What happened?

Rowlf: He made a spectacle of himself.

All: [laughter]

Rowlf: Okay, okay, this week we will take out the patient's snew.

Piggy: Wh- what's snew?

Rowlf: Nothing, what's snew with you?

Janice: Ew, that's an old joke.

Rowlf: Yeah, well it's snew to me.

Pig: Hey, hey, Miss Piggy. Please tell me you love me, because we got to stop meeting like this.

Piggy: Why?

Pig: I'm running out of vital organs.

Announcer: And so we come to the end of another Veterinarian's Hospital.

Rowlf: It's about time!

Announcer: Tune in next time when we'll hear Dr. Bob say, prepare for surgery!

Rowlf: Prepare for surgery!

Miss Piggy: Dr. Bob, are you really going to remove his brain?

Rowlf: No, something much more vital than that.

Piggy: You mean?

Rowlf: Yes, his wallet!

Kermit: Ba-dah! Uh, thank you. And now, ladies and gentlemen, here we present Geri and the Atrics, yaay!

"Do Wah Diddy Diddy"

"Little Bit of Dis"

Astoria: Oh, honestly, Waldorf. I don't understand you. Why do you come here and put up with this irritating, mindless, incessant nonsense when you could stay home with me?

Waldorf: Eh, no comment.

LaBrea: Uh, Mr. Frog... Mr. Frog, do you have a permit to keep livestock?

Kermit: Uh, livestock?

LaBrea: Uh, yes. When I was backstage, I noticed sixteen chickens, six horses, four goats, eight hogs...

Piggy: Excuse moi. Kermie, may I speak with vous, uh, incognito?

Kermit: Sure, wherever you want. Excuse us a second.

LaBrea: Uh, yeah.

Piggy: This the inspector you want me to charm?

Kermit: Yeah, but I don't think this is a particularly good time.

Piggy: Kermie, mon cherie, do not worry about a thing. Ahem. Yoo-hoo! I do not believe that we have met.

LaBrea: Uh, no we haven't. I'm Inspector LaBrea.

Piggy: Ooh! Kermie, you silly. You did not tell me the inspector was such a handsome man. As you know, I am Miss Piggy.

LaBrea: Right. Add to that list, one sow.

Piggy: What?

LaBrea: Sow. You know, rhymes with cow. Ha ha ha ha.

Kermit: Uh, Piggy...

Piggy: Oh yeah? Rhyme this! Hi-yaah! Oh, shut up!

Mary Louise: Hey! Hey, you down there! Hey! Do you know there's a little old lady sleeping up here?

Zoot: No, but hum a few bars and we'll fake it.

Animal: There's a little lady sleeping up here.

Kermit: Ta-da! Uh, thank you. And now, have I got good news for you.

Astoria: That inspector is closing the show.

Kermit: No.

Astoria: Then, you don't have good news for us.

Kermit: Say, you're as bad as the two old geezers.

Waldorf: Why not? She's a geezer-ess.

Kermit: Okay, so welcome if you will, the Muppet Show's own cut and clownish, cuddly king of comedy, Fozzie Bear!

Fozzie: Hiyah, hiyah, hiyah, hi, wocka, wocka, wocka! Hey, did you hear the one about the lady who went to the psychiatrist and said, "doctor, my husband thinks he's a refrigerator." And the doctor says, "well, don't worry about it." And the woman said...

Astoria: "I have to. He sleeps with his mouth open and the little light keeps me awake." [laughs] Very funny!

Fozzie: Uh, yeah. Um, moving right along. Alright, same lady, right? Good. Goes in the psychiatrist's office, says, "doctor, my husband thinks he's a transistor radio." And the doctor says, "Well, have him come in. We'll talk about it." And the woman says...

Astoria: "He can't talk, his batteries are dead!" [laughs] Oh, this guys is a riot!

Fozzie: I am?

Astoria: Let's hear it for Fozzie Bear!

Waldorf: Yaay!

Fozzie: Thank you, thank you, thank you! You've been a very funny audience, I've really enjoyed listening to you, aah! What happened? Where did I go right?

Astoria: I thought he'd never leave!

Whatnot: Uh, excuse me? Cross-town buses run all night?

Zoot and Floyd: Doo-dah, doo-dah.

LaBrea: Well, what's next on the show?

Kermit: Uh, just the closing musical number.

LaBrea: Uh, no trumpets, right? Because if this thing goes off one more time...

Kermit: I know, I know, you're gonna cancel the show. Uh, no, it's just a, um, well, it's, uh... it's just an encore by our, our violinist.

LaBrea: Oh yeah, yeah, good. Well, okay, I'm gonna stay here and watch it.

Kermit: [gulp] Right here?

LaBrea: Yeah, what's his name? Uh, Izzy something? Uh, uh...

Kermit: No, in actuality, it's... it's Dizzy Gillespie.

LaBrea: Dizzy Gillespie?! That's terrific!

Kermit: It is?

LaBrea: Yeah!

Kermit: B-but, he plays trumpet.

LaBrea: He sure does. The guy's my all time favorite. Hey, do me a favor. Let me sit in with him. I play a little saxophone.

Kermit: Gee, well, uh, why, fine, if you'll forget your recorder there.

LaBrea: Uh, what recorder?

Kermit: Okay, ladies and gentlemen, it's jazz time again. And joining our guest star on this final session is Inspector LaBrea, the Swinging Civil Servant. Ahem. Uh, and here he is, our guest star with one of his great tunes, Mr. Dizzy Gillespie, yaay!

"Swing Low Sweet Cadillac"

Kermit: Okay, well, we've done just about all we wanted to do except to say thank you to our very special guest star, ladies and gentlemen, one of the giants of jazz, Mr. Dizzy Gillespie, yaay!

Dizzy: Thank you, Kermit. And I want you to know how much I admire you frogs.

Kermit: You, you admire us frogs? Why is that?

Dizzy: Because you all can do this [expands cheeks]

Kermit: I can't do that! All I can do is say we'll see you next time on The Muppet Show.

Fozzie: Hey!

Kermit: How did you do that? Oh, that's wonderful!

Waldorf and Astoria: Boo!

LaBrea: That's it, the show is cancelled!

Waldorf and Astoria: Yaay!