Episode 205: Judy Collins/transcript

00:00:07 [Knocking]

00:00:09 Judy Collins. Oh, 15 seconds to curtain, Miss Collins.

00:00:13 I'm ready. I'm ready for anything.

00:00:16 - [Explosion] - [Yelps]

00:00:18 [Cackling] You weren't ready for that!

00:00:24 [Drumroll]

00:00:26 It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star Miss Judy Collins!

00:00:31 [Applause, whistling]

00:00:44 # Lt's time to play the music Lt's time to light the light

00:00:48 # Lt's time to meet the Muppets on The Muppet Show tonight

00:00:53 # Lt's time to put on makeup Lt's time to dress up right

00:00:57 # Lt's time to get things started

00:00:59 Do we have to watch this?

00:01:01 # Lt's time to get things started

00:01:03 # On the most sensational, inspirational

00:01:05 # Celebrational, Muppetational

00:01:07 # This is what we call The Muppet Show! #

00:01:15 [off-key honking]

00:01:20 [Applause]

00:01:21 OK. Thank you, thank you, thank you, and welcome to The Muppet Show.

00:01:25 Hey, we really have a terrific show for you tonight because we have with us

00:01:29 one of the most beautiful and talented singers in the entire world.

00:01:33 Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you.

00:01:35 It's about time you said something nice about me.

00:01:38 Uh, Piggy, I... I was referring to Miss Judy Collins.

00:01:42 Oh, him.

00:01:46 Uh, ladies and gentlemen, Miss Judy Collins.

00:01:57 [# Leatherwing Bat]

00:02:00 Oh, hello there.

00:02:23 I have to go and sing now with the woodpecker.

00:02:26 Find out what "how dow di-di-dit doe dum" means.

00:02:28 I will.

00:02:53 What does "how dow di-di-dit doe" mean?

00:02:55 - Go sing with the owl! - Ooh!

00:03:33 [Applause, whistling]

00:03:39 You know, when I see that Judy Collins, I'm glad I left my wife.

00:03:43 - You left your wife? - Yeah, I left her at home.

00:03:46 [Both laughing]

00:03:49 Yeah, well, sell the hotel on Pennsylvania Avenue,

00:03:52 buy all your railroads, forget the 200 and let 'em go straight to jail. Right.

00:03:57 Oh, boy, look who's here.

00:03:59 Oh, Kermit, you know my uncle.

00:04:01 J.P. Grosse. Yeah, I own the theater, the ground it stands on

00:04:05 and the mineral rights underneath it. In fact, I probably own you too, frog.

00:04:10 Uh, kid, make a note,

00:04:12 see if we own the frog. If not, take an option.

00:04:15 Well, J.P., I suppose you're here on a little inspection tour.

00:04:18 Yeah, well, you could call it that.

00:04:20 Attendance is up, revenue is up. Just about everything is up.

00:04:23 Yeah, well, the theater's coming down.

00:04:26 - What? - Tearing it down to put in a junkyard.

00:04:29 [Stuttering] Yeah, but why?

00:04:31 Because there's more money in real junk than this junk you got here.

00:04:34 - Come on, kid, this well's dry. - [Whimpering]

00:04:37 Uh, don't forget the option on the frog. Get a lien on his legs.

00:04:44 I think my stock just dropped.

00:04:47 [Beeping]

00:04:48 [Announcer] And now, Pigs in Space.

00:04:55 Featuring the stout-hearted Captain Link Hogthrob,

00:04:59 the fetching First Mate Miss Piggy,

00:05:02 and the ubiquitous Dr. Julius Strangepork.

00:05:07 Last week the spaceship Swinetrek was rapidly approaching

00:05:10 the electrifying mid-course correction maneuver.

00:05:14 Stand by for mid-course correction.

00:05:17 Oh, isn't this electrifying?

00:05:20 Dr. Strangepork, ready to count me down?

00:05:22 Oh, Captain Link, would it be all right

00:05:25 if I performed the mid-course correction?

00:05:27 - Well... - After all,

00:05:29 I did go to school for this particular maneuver for 11 years.

00:05:33 Still, you are a woman.

00:05:35 Yes, captain, just as you are a man.

00:05:39 Technically, you're both pigs, but we know what you're talking about.

00:05:43 Oh, captain, may I please perform the maneuver?

00:05:47 Well, I suppose so.

00:05:48 Oh, thank you, Herr Capitán! Oh!

00:05:52 Twenty-five seconds to mid-course correction.

00:05:54 - Now, First Mate Piggy, - Hmm?

00:05:56 - Don't forget which button to push. - Huh, I know which button to push.

00:06:00 I studied it for 11 years.

00:06:02 Fifteen seconds.

00:06:04 - It's this button right here. - I know it's that button.

00:06:06 - Ten seconds. - Push it when he tells you.

00:06:09 - I know, I know! - Five seconds.

00:06:11 - Don't panic. - Will you shut up?!

00:06:13 Don't tell me to shut up. I'm your captain.

00:06:16 Now! Push the button! Push the button!

00:06:18 - Push the button! - I'm will! Don't shout! I'm a lady!

00:06:22 If you don't push that button, I'll push it myself.

00:06:24 [Explosion]

00:06:31 You pushed the wrong button, bacon brain.

00:06:35 I spent 11 years learning which button to push

00:06:39 and you pushed one of those other buttons.

00:06:42 Captain, you know what that means?

00:06:44 - Not...? - Yes, I'm afraid so.

00:06:46 You don't mean...?

00:06:47 - Yes, undoubtedly. - Yes, undoubtedly.

00:06:50 Does this mean...?

00:06:51 [All] Yes, it does.

00:06:54 [Announcer] Tune in next week and miss the continuation of...

00:06:59 ...Pigs in Space!

00:07:10 I just want it known that, following that last piece of material,

00:07:15 I am disassociating myself

00:07:18 from this whole weird, sick show.

00:07:23 Where do I go?

00:07:27 Ladies and gentlemen, at this time, we have a very special... uh... uh...

00:07:32 I'm trying to make an introduction.

00:07:34 Oh, go right ahead, I'm just checking the floor.

00:07:38 Uh... Ladies and gentlemen...

00:07:39 Scooter, make a note, some of these boards are rotten.

00:07:43 That's too bad.

00:07:44 If you dried your flippers before you came out here, this wouldn't happen.

00:07:50 Um, ladies and gentlemen, Miss Judy Collins.

00:07:54 [Applause]

00:07:56 [# L Know an Old Lady]

00:09:57 [Laughing]

00:10:36 [Explosion]

00:10:42 [Applause]

00:10:46 Wonderful! Yes!

00:10:48 - Wonderful. - Yes, but I swallowed my gum.

00:10:51 How very dumb, to swallow your gum.

00:10:53 [Both laughing]

00:10:55 Here is a Muppet news flash.

00:10:57 Wha...!

00:10:59 There it was, folks.

00:11:02 Yeah, well, I'm tearing the theater down, putting in a junkyard.

00:11:06 - Hmm, yeah, 'course I will. - [Gasps]

00:11:08 Oh, look, it's Scooter's uncle, the famous J.P. Grosse.

00:11:13 Oh, I had no idea that someone so rich could be so good-looking.

00:11:19 Listen, I don't want excuses. Just get the widow's wheelchair.

00:11:22 Hello, my name is Miss Piggy, the singing star of The Muppet Show.

00:11:28 Well, sue then.

00:11:29 I, uh, wonder, would you like to hear me sing?

00:11:32 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:11:33 Oh, all right. [clears throat]

00:11:35 [# Call Me Lrresponsible]

00:11:42 Call you? What for? No money in hog-calling.

00:11:47 Well, call this, cigar breath! Hiyah!

00:11:50 Ahh!

00:11:55 For a second there, I thought somebody was gonna get hurt around here.

00:11:59 [Groans]

00:12:01 [# L Talk to the Trees]

00:12:15 I'm not listening to any more of this!

00:12:18 Yeah, let's leaf.

00:12:19 Oh, boy.

00:12:21 Ah, that turkey talks ragtime.

00:12:24 Blah, blah, blah!

00:12:29 This is Kermit the Frog speaking to you from the planet Koozebane,

00:12:33 and I am interviewing a most unfortunate creature,

00:12:36 the Koozebanian Phoob.

00:12:37 Thank you. I'm pleased to be here.

00:12:39 As a matter of fact, I'm pleased to be anywhere.

00:12:41 I can believe that because, folks, the Phoob is known

00:12:44 as the most delicious creature on Koozebane.

00:12:47 True. We have a saying on this world:

00:12:49 "I never met a Phoob I didn't like, especially with mushroom gravy."

00:12:53 I suppose this tends to hold down the Phoob population pretty effectively.

00:12:57 Not really. Actually, my species is flourishing.

00:13:01 Really? How do you manage that?

00:13:03 Evolution.

00:13:04 I... I don't think I understand.

00:13:06 We Phoobs tend to evolve rather faster than most creatures.

00:13:09 Mm-hmm. Well, what do you evolve into?

00:13:11 Oh, you know. Whatever's handy.

00:13:14 I... I beg your pardon?

00:13:16 We try to blend in with the crowd as best we can.

00:13:19 Say, are... are you changing?

00:13:21 Evolving. Evolving is the accurate term.

00:13:24 Yeah, but... but you're starting to look familiar.

00:13:27 I should certainly hope so.

00:13:29 This... this is very weird.

00:13:31 Good grief! Even your clothes are the same!

00:13:34 It's called the survival of the trench-coated.

00:13:37 Yeah, but... but you can't do this!

00:13:39 This is Kermit the Frog, returning you to...

00:13:42 - I'm Kermit the Frog! - I am!

00:13:43 - I am! - [Both grunting]

00:13:48 [Both] These are Kermit the Frogs, returning you to The Muppet Show.

00:13:52 You can't do that!

00:13:53 Will you stop?!

00:13:56 I'm the real Kermit, folks.

00:13:59 Wonderful! Very funny! Eh, Waldorf?

00:14:02 I wonder where he went.

00:14:04 He was here a minute ago, watching the Phoob and falling down laughing.

00:14:08 I'm still falling, but I've stopped laughing. [groans]

00:14:15 Uh, Mr. Statler, there aren't too many people on this show I like to talk to.

00:14:20 - Well, I can understand that. - Mm.

00:14:23 They're kind of weird.

00:14:24 - Weird is too nice a word. - Mm, mm.

00:14:28 But you and your friend seem to be very distinguished gentlemen.

00:14:32 Uh, by the way, where is your friend?

00:14:35 Oh, uh, I don't know. He must have stepped out for a minute.

00:14:39 Stepped out is right. Hey, give me a hand, huh?

00:14:42 Well, I'm sure he didn't go far.

00:14:45 Yeah, he's probably hanging around somewhere.

00:14:47 Uh, hanging around is right. Help.

00:14:51 Mr. Statler, what I find hard to understand

00:14:54 is why you come here every night.

00:14:57 Well, uh, it gets me out of the house.

00:15:00 But there are many better places to go than... than this freak show.

00:15:05 There's the symphony, the ballet, the opera.

00:15:08 - Help. Help! - Mm.

00:15:10 - Never go to the opera. - Help!

00:15:12 Can't stand all that screaming and yelling.

00:15:14 Help!

00:15:15 You just don't understand opera.

00:15:18 Oh, I understand it all right.

00:15:20 I just hate it. I'd rather go to a public hanging.

00:15:24 You are at a public hanging. Pull me up.

00:15:27 Does your friend Waldorf feel as strongly as you?

00:15:30 I don't have any feeling at all. My hand is numb.

00:15:33 I don't know. Why don't you ask him?

00:15:35 Maybe I will. I will drop by later.

00:15:39 I'm gonna drop right now if somebody doesn't help me.

00:15:42 But... but wherever he is, it's good to know

00:15:46 that at least we have you two gentlemen here

00:15:50 to provide dignity and decency.

00:15:52 - [Yelling] - [Crashing]

00:15:56 [Playing piano]

00:15:59 [Applause]

00:16:08 Hey, thank you, Judy. I really want to thank you for wanting

00:16:12 to play this number with me. I'm just honored.

00:16:14 Oh, it's a pleasure for me, Rowlf. Thank you.

00:16:17 What is that you're playing right now?

00:16:19 Oh, these are just finger exercises. I play them to warm up before I play.

00:16:24 Really?

00:16:26 - What do you do to warm up? - Oh, I chase cars.

00:16:31 Oh, dear, I'd much rather play finger exercises.

00:16:35 When I was a kid, I used to play these

00:16:37 and put a book up in front of me and read while I practiced.

00:16:40 Oh... I guess that's easy for you.

00:16:43 But, you know, it's tough to play the piano and chase cars at the same time.

00:16:49 How about playing a duet with me?

00:16:51 Oh, listen, that's why I'm here.

00:16:54 OK.

00:16:58 [# Do-Re-Mi]

00:17:51 [Applause]

00:17:58 Oh, no, what am I gonna do?

00:18:01 Hi, Kermit. What's happening?

00:18:03 - Oh, Gonzo, haven't you heard the news? - No.

00:18:06 Scooter's uncle's gonna tear this theater down.

00:18:10 No!

00:18:11 Yes! And he's gonna build a junkyard on this very spot.

00:18:15 - No! - Yes.

00:18:17 Oh, what a terrific idea for an act! [sighs]

00:18:22 - What? - I wish I'd thought of it.

00:18:28 There goes a real trouper.

00:18:34 [Singing gibberish]

00:18:45 [Speaking mock Swedish]

00:18:50 ...lettuce.

00:18:53 ...boom-boom

00:19:03 Salad!

00:19:04 Ever eat any of that Swedish chef's food?

00:19:07 Are you kidding? If I did, I'd be dead.

00:19:09 That's why I asked.

00:19:12 [Mock Swedish]

00:19:17 ...boom-boom

00:19:24 Brussels sprouts.

00:19:27 Oh, they're going to get that Swedish chef some day.

00:19:30 - Who is? - The smorgasbord of health.

00:19:33 [Both laughing]

00:19:36 - Scooter. - What is it, Kermit?

00:19:38 You're the only one who can talk your uncle out of tearing the theater down.

00:19:41 Oh, gee, I don't think so, Kermit

00:19:43 Well, sure you can. Appeal to his sense of art.

00:19:46 Tell him about the people who'll be out of work.

00:19:48 - Sorry, Kermit. - Including you.

00:19:50 Wait right here.

00:19:53 - Hey, Uncle J.P. - Huh?

00:19:54 - You can't tear this theater down. - Oh, sure I can.

00:19:57 I've got the junk yard all planned.

00:19:59 Gonna put the old cars right here and the old tires over there.

00:20:02 Well, what about your sense of art?

00:20:06 Art who?

00:20:07 Well, what will all these people do for money?

00:20:10 Oh, let 'em spend cake.

00:20:12 Well, what about me?

00:20:14 Oh, well, I was going to put you in charge of the junkyard.

00:20:17 What do you say to that, kid?

00:20:20 Let's get started, Uncle Partner.

00:20:26 Scooter! Aah!

00:20:30 [Mock Swedish]

00:20:32 ...coconut.

00:20:35 ...boom-boom.

00:20:40 [Squawking]

00:20:46 ...chicken.

00:20:50 Well, did you find all that interesting?

00:20:52 No, I was smorgasbored!

00:20:55 [Both laughing]

00:20:56 - Bored! - Bored!

00:20:59 [Man] Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Judy Collins.

00:21:03 [Applause]

00:21:09 [# Send in the Clowns]

00:24:16 [Applause]

00:24:18 We made it through another one,

00:24:20 mostly with the help of our wonderful guest star, Miss Judy Collins. Yay!

00:24:24 [Applause, whistling]

00:24:27 Thank you. It's been wonderful.

00:24:29 Oh, I'm very glad. You know, mostly because this may be our last show.

00:24:32 - Oh, no. - Yeah.

00:24:34 Scooter's uncle wants to tear this place down.

00:24:36 No, cancel that plan. I'm not gonna tear this place down.

00:24:40 - You're not? - Naw, it'd be a waste of money.

00:24:42 This dump's gonna fall in on its own. Look at this floor.

00:24:45 - Ahh! - Oh!

00:24:47 Oh, well, we'll see you all next time on The Muppet Show.

00:25:28 This theater's as solid as a rock. Watch this.

00:25:31 - [Yells] - [Crashes]