Episode 115: Candice Bergen/transcript

It's The Muppet Show, with our

special guest star Miss Candice Bergen!

Woo!

It's time to play the music

It's time to light the lights

It's time to meet the Muppets

on The Muppet Show tonight

It's time to put on makeup

It's time to dress up right

It's time to raise the curtain

on The Muppet Show tonight

Hey, question, What has a

thousand legs, but can't walk?

500 pairs of pants, Ha ha,

To introduce our guest star

That's what I'm here to do

And it really makes me happy

To introduce to you

Miss Candice Bergen! Woo!

But now let's get things started

on the most sensationaI, inspirationaI

CelebrationaI, MuppetationaI

This is what we call

The Muppet Show

Thank you, Thank you, thank you, Hey,

Boy, do we have a show for you tonight,

Our special guest star is the

beautifuI Miss Candice Bergen,

And she's not just

another pretty face,

Besides being an actress, she's a top

photographer, a writer, a world traveler,

What you'd call a

well-rounded person,

Ha, You can say that

again, Woo, woo! Woo, woo!

Listen, you clowns, We're not gonna have

any of those male-chauvinist-pig jokes

while Miss Bergen is out here,

I'm tired of any kind of pig joke,

Uh Piggy, what are

you doing out here?

Oh, Kermit, dear,

Did you know that every time we

have a beautifuI girI on the show,

you forget about me?

- Uh Yeah, well, uh uh

We could have a seaI act on the show,

Piggy, and I might forget about you,

He tries so desperately

to hide his love for me,

Uh, yeah, but, uh

You promised I was gonna open

the show this week, flipperface,

Uh Piggy, my love, my life,

- Never mind that jazz,

Listen, turkey, Ms. Bergen said

I should stand up for my rights,

Either I open the show

or Ms. Bergen and I walk,

Well, OK, OK, you can open the show,

Piggy, You get to open the show,

Oh! What a surprise!

Oh, thank you, my love,

Mwah! Kissy, kissy,

Uh Never let it be said

that the frog is a pig,

So, ladies and gentlemen,

the lovely Ms. Piggy,

and her rendition of

"What Now My Love?"

Bom, ba-ba-ba-bom,

ba-ba-ba-bom

Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-bom

Ba-ba-ba-bom,

ba-ba-ba-bom

What now, my love?

Now that you left me?

How can I live

Through another day?

Watching my dreams

Turning to ashes

And my hopes

Into bits of clay

- # Once I could see - # Bom,

ba-ba-ba-bom, ba-ba-ba-bom

- # Once I could feeI - #

Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-bom

Now I am numb

I've become unreaI

- # I walk the night - #

Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-bom

- # Without a goaI - #

Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-bom

Stripped of my heart

- # My souI - #

Ba-ba-ba-bom, ba-ba-ba-bom

- # What now, my love? - #

Ba-ba-ba-bom, ba-ba-ba-bom

Now there is nothing

- # Only my last - #

Ba-ba-ba-bom, ba-ba-ba-bom

- # Goodbye - #

Ba-ba-ba-bom, ba-ba-ba-bom

Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-bom

Ba-ba-ba-bom,

ba-ba-ba-bah

Ne-ne-ne-ne-ne-ne-ne-ne-neh

Oh, Oh, Oh,

Thanks, Piggy, You

never sounded better,

OK, so I lie a little,

- Uh

Wire for Kermit the Frog,

Wire for Kermit the Frog,

Oh, are you Kermit the Frog?

- Of course I am,

Wire for you,

Haaa!

Cute, Cute bit,

- Oh,

Haaa! Oh!

I love a good running gag,

There's a great little

"down home country style,

sitting by the fire whittling and fiddling"

song called "Put Another Log on the Fire,"

Here now is that song, and here too

is tonight's very special guest star

Miss Candice Bergen,

Put another log on the fire

Cook me up some bacon and some beans

And go out to the

car and change the tire

Wash my socks and

sew my old blue jeans

Come on baby, you can fill my pipe

And then go fetch my slippers

And boiI me up another pot of tea

Then put another

log on the fire, babe

Come on, tell me

why you're leaving me

Now, don't I let you

wash the car on Sunday?

Don't I warn you

when you're getting fat?

Ain't I gonna take you

fishing with me someday?

Well, a man can't love

a woman more than that

And ain't I always

nice to your kid sister?

Don't I take her

driving every night?

So sit here at my feet 'cause

I like you when you're sweet

And you know it

ain't feminine to fight

So put another log on the fire

Cook me up some bacon and some beans

And go out to the

car and change the tire

Wash my socks and

sew my old blue jeans

Come on, baby, you can fill my pipe

And then go fetch my slippers

And boiI me up another pot of tea

So put another log on the fire, babe

And come and tell me

why you're leaving me

Yeehah!

Letter for Kermit the Frog,

Letter for Kermit the

Frog, Letter for Ker

Oh, are you Kermit the Frog?

You know I am, Fozzie,

Letter for you,

Haaa haa, A letter, Haa,

Funny, Funny,

Haaa,

Someday I'm gonna get him, I don't

know how, but I'm going to get him,

It's not a bad joke, though,

Oh, uh Letter for Scooter the

gofer, Letter for Scooter the gofer,

What's that?

- Are you Scooter the gofer?

Well, you know I am, chief,

- There's a letter on the desk here for you,

Sorry, I'll have to read it later, You see,

I'm really busy getting stuff for Miss Bergen,

See ya,

- Haaa!

Haaa! Haaa!

Funny!

Hey, when I went to schooI,

I was the teacher's pet,

What's the matter?

Couldn't she afford a dog?

Oh!

If the queen of England was free tomorrow

night, would you take her to dinner?

Sure bet, Course I would,

Well, she can't make

it, so how about me?

You know, you dance like Rogers,

- Oh, Ginger Rogers?

No, Roy Rogers,

Hey, Mildred, would you mind

if I popped the question?

Oh, of course not, George,

Thanks,

Oh, shut up,

It's very nice to have you

with us on the paneI, Clara,

OK, uh It's time

once again, friends,

time once again to raise the

intellectuaI leveI of our program,

And our subject tonight is,

"Does traveI broaden the mind?"

Our paneI tonight consists of Mildred

Hockstadder, MA, BA, DA and DUMB,

Charmed, I'm sure,

- Oh, brother,

Miss Piggy, noted chanteuse

and black belt holder,

Mm-hm, Kissy,

kissy, - Ugh!

Sam the Eagle, our resident grouch,

- Let's move it along, Frog,

OK, And our special guest panelist Miss

Clara Cartwell, well-known traveI agent

and author of the best-selling

book, Europe on $5,000 a Day.

No, no, no, It's called

Europe on $50 a Day.

The book itself,

however, costs $5,000,

Hm, Hm, Hm,

And probably well worth it, too,

- Oh, yes, Yes,

Yes, Pictures and everything, I bet,

- Oh, yes, The works,

OK, but let's get back to our subject,

which is "Does traveI broaden the mind?"

Miss Cartwell,

Well, as I write in my new

book, Nowhere on Nothing a Day,

traveling is the most

broadening experience possible,

Well, Piggy here hasn't traveled at

all, and she's broader than any of us,

Watch it, needle-neck, or you won't

be on the paneI, you'll be under it!

OK, Ladies, please controI yourselves,

- Excuse me, 'Scuse me, 'Scuse me,

Carla, let me apologize

for those weirdos,

I myself am a world traveler,

Is that right? Where have you been?

Persia,

I bought a rug there, Mm,

- Well, I'm glad you're not wearing it,

I like bald eagles,

No, uh

- Oh, dear,

Not that kind of rug,

Yes, OK, Well, I think we're

getting away from the subject,

which was "Does traveI

broaden the mind?"

Ah, Well, absolutely

no doubt about it,

For example, I had a friend

who never went anywhere,

lived in the same

town for over 30 years,

She was so unsophisticated, she thought

Marcello Mastroianni was an Italian soup,

To laugh is to live!

You mean it isn't an Italian soup?

And he calls himself a world traveler?

- No, no, wait,

I have been to restaurants where I have

ordered Marcello Mastroianni and gotten it,

Really? What did you get?

A swarthy, good-looking

man sitting in a bowI,

I always send him back,

What do you get when you

order a Russian dressing?

Rudolf Nureyev putting on his tights?

I faiI to see the humor in that,

- Oh, I love it,

Burst his balloon,

honey, he's so pompous,

Balloons! Speaking of balloons, either

let some air out, or go on a diet,

You're knocking me off the paneI,

I'll knock you out of the

theater in a second, You, you

OK, ladies, Wait, Please, Please,

We have a special guest with us,

I think you'd better put

your best face forward,

And whose face is Porker

here going to borrow?

That does it, Why

Hiii! Hii!

Wait! Well, I guess that

does it for our paneI,

I'm sorry about that, Miss Cartwell,

- Oh, no, It's been very broadening,

Do you really like me without my rug?

- Yes, I do, Are you busy later?

What? No, but I could, uh

We could wing out somewhere,

Join us next week, when our topic will be "Air pollution

- a modern myth?"

It's not where you start

It's where you finish

It's not how you go

It's how you land

A

hundred-to-one shot

They call him a klutz

Can outrun the favorite

All he needs is the guts

Your finaI return

Will not diminish

And you can be the cream of the crop

It's not where you start

It's where you finish

- # And I'm gonna finish on

- Rowlf, Hey, Rowlf, listen,

Kermit says you sang the song too quick,

You're gonna have to sing it again,

but you only have a minute, OK?

Here we go,

It's not where you

start, it's where you finish

It's not how you

go, it's how you land

A hundred-to-one shot,

they call him a klutz

Can outrun the favorite,

all he needs is the guts

How am I doing?

The finaI return will not diminish

And you can be the cream of the crop

It's not where you

start, it's where you finish

- # And I'm gonna finish on

- Hey, Rowlf,

Rowlf, listen, It's my

uncle's favorite song,

He says he'd like to hear it one more

time, but you only have 20 seconds,

All right, hit it!

It's not where you

start, it's where you finish

- # It's not how you go, it's how you land

- That's 1 5 seconds,

A hundred-to-one shot,

they call him a klutz

Can outrun the favorite

all he needs is the guts

Ten seconds,

- # Your finaI return will not diminish

- # And you can be the cream of the crop

- Five seconds, Four,

It's not where you

start, it's where you finish

And I'm gonna finish on time

Nearly,

Cheese,

Got that?

- Yeah, Um

Kermit, do you think you could

do something a little more candid?

Uh Sure, Let's see,

How's that? Hm?

Well, it's not exactly candid,

Kermit, if you know what I mean,

Oh, OK, Yes, Candid for Candice,

Frog in repose,

What I was thinking was

something a little more naturaI,

More naturaI? Let's see,

What have we got? Well

Make sure you get my good side, though,

- Which one? Which side is the good side?

I think it's this side, It

might be this side over here,

Or maybe I dunno,

What do you think?

Well, I think that Head-on,

Why don't we try one head-on?

Just naturally, -

Head-on? OK, You know

Although my profile has

been compared to Barrymore,

Yeah, EtheI Barrymore,

Sweetums, if you don't mind,

Candice is trying to take my picture,

Oh, yeah? Is that a good camera there?

- Yeah, That's a terrific camera,

This is an 85-21 0 macro zoom

lens with the finest Swiss optics,

This is a great camera,

- Oh,

Bleurgh!

I don't know, I've tasted better,

Kermit, he ate my camera,

- You're lucky, Last week he ate the guest,

Cute, It's a cute show,

Der speecy spicy chili juice,

Mm,

Here are der speecy spicy,

This here, the hotsie totsie,

Mm,

This here der pepper saucen,

Mm,

Ooh!

More speecy spicy

seesly chili juicely,

With the hotsie totsie,

Der pepper saucen,

Mm!

Look at that face

Just look at it

Look at that fabulous face of yours

I knew first look I took at it

This was a face

that the world adores

Look at those eyes

As wise and as deep as the sea

Look at that nose

It shows what a nose should be

As for your smile

It's IyricaI, friendly

and warm as a summer's day

That face is just a miracle

Where could I ever find words to say

The way that it makes me happy

Whatever the time or place?

I'll find in no book

What I find when I look at that face

Hm,

Interesting,

Rather definitive, yes?

Of course, Why not?

Inspired, but by what?

The way that it makes me happy

Whatever the time or place

I'll find in no book

Yeah! Yeah!

- # What I find when I look

AnimaI, that does not look like her,

I told you to paint her.

Oh, Thank you,

What I find when I look at that face

Uh Note for Kermit the Frog,

Note for Kermit the Frog,

Oh, are you Kermit the Frog?

- Yes, Fozzie, I am Kermit the Frog,

Note for you,

G sharp,

Will you guys cut that out? Ow!

- Ha,

Funny!

Funny, I like it,

Time now for

"Veterinarian's Hospital, "

the continuing story of an orthopedic

surgeon who's gone to the dogs.

All right, Now, what's the next case?

- He's right here, Dr, Bob,

Of course, What's this man here for?

- A stomachache, Dr, Bob,

Stomachache, check,

There, now, That should

ache for some time,

He's also here for a sore throat,

- Easy,

Wait! I've got a sore

throat, I want it to go away,

Oh, Well, why didn't you say so?

Open up your mouth, Aha, Aha,

Aha!

I see the problem immediately,

- What is it, Dr, Bob?

This man has a frog in his throat,

- Are you certain?

Positive,

Very funny, Just see if this dumb doctor

sketch ever gets on the show again,

And so Dr. Bob has found a patient

with a case of ingrown TV-show host.

Tune in next week, when

you'll hear Dr. Bob say.

Oh, let's clean up around here,

This operating room is a mess,

That's nothing, You

should see it in here,

Watch this, Have I got a topper

for my running gag tonight!

Oh, it is too much, OK, watch,

Flower for Kermit the Frog,

Flower for Kermit the Frog, Flow

Oh, are you Kermit the Frog?

You know I am, Fozzie,

Flour for you,

- Hm?

Haa, Haa,

See? See that? That's a joke,

Yeah, And that was the punch,

No, Fozzie, This is the punch,

Argh!

And I am all alone

There is no one here beside me

And my problems have all gone

There is no one to deride me

I'm here, It's me,

Because you have to have

friends, you see, Gonzo,

The feeling's oh so strong

Yes, you've got to have friends

To last that whole day long

I had some friends but they're gone

I said, something

come and took 'em away

And from the dusk to the dawn

Well, here is where I'll stay

Well, standing at the

end of the road, guys

Waiting for your new friends to come

I don't care if I'm hungry or cold

I gotta get me some

'Cause you gotta have friends

The feeling's oh so strong

Yes, you gotta have friends

To make that day last long

Yes, you gotta have friends

La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la

Friends

La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la

- # Friends

- You have to have friends, you see,

You have to have friends, It's

very important in life to have them,

Don't you think? It is, though,

- # Friends

- # Yes, you've got to have friends

- # You gotta have friends

Oh, boy, oh, boy, Kermit's letting

me wrap up the show tonight,

OK,

Now, let's thank our special

guest star Miss Candice Bergen,

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,

Thanks, Fozzie, I had a terrific time,

It's just that I'm a little worried

that maybe Kermit's upset with you,

You know what I mean,

- Oh, no, no, no, no,

He loves running gags, Oh, yeah,

- Pie for Fozzie the Bear,

Pie for Fozzie the Bear,

Are you Fozzie the Bear?

No,

Good, I got a pie for you anyway,

Look what you did,

We'll see you next

week on The Muppet Show.

You did that to the lady, The guest,

Are you all right?

I think I ought to see a doctor,

- Why do you say that?

I'm beginning to like the show,