Episode 209: Madeline Kahn/transcript

00:00:08 [Knocking]

00:00:09 [Scooter] Madeline Kahn! Oh, Madeline Kahn!

00:00:11 15 seconds to curtain, Miss Kahn.

00:00:13 Thank you, Scooter.

00:00:16 I won't let you do it! You hear me?

00:00:18 I won't let an artist of your beauty and integrity

00:00:22 go out there and work on this weird, sick show.

00:00:29 [Laughs]

00:00:31 You're on.

00:00:34 [Drumroll]

00:00:36 It's The Muppet Show with our very special guest star, Miss Madeline Kahn!

00:00:55 # Lt's time to play the music Lt's time to light the light

00:00:59 # Lt's time to meet the Muppets on The Muppet Show tonight

00:01:02 # Lt's time to put on makeup Lt's time to dress up right

00:01:07 # Lt's time to get things started

00:01:09 This helps but I can still hear them.

00:01:11 # Lt's time to get things started

00:01:13 # On the most sensational, inspirational

00:01:15 # Celebrational, Muppetational

00:01:18 # This is what we call The Muppet Show! #

00:01:34 [applause]

00:01:35 Thank you, thank you, thank you and welcome again to The Muppet Show,

00:01:39 where our special guest star is the talented star of film and television,

00:01:43 Miss Madeline Kahn!

00:01:45 [Applause]

00:01:46 But first, many of you people have been writing in to ask the question,

00:01:50 can the frog tap dance?

00:01:53 And of course the answer to that is,

00:01:55 hit it!

00:01:56 [# Happy Feet]

00:02:33 [Tapping]

00:03:15 [Applause]

00:03:18 [Indistinct chattering]

00:03:25 [Yodeling]

00:03:34 It's Madeline Kahn!

00:03:40 You must be the Great Gonzo, right?

00:03:42 Yeah, I was just rehearsing a rather sensational new act I'm doing.

00:03:46 This is Eric, the yodeling clam.

00:03:48 Well, if you're busy, I'll...

00:03:50 No, no, no, no! Eric, take five.

00:03:53 - [Shrieks] - I'll get him!

00:03:57 Dear, dear, me! There.

00:04:00 - Are you all right? - Yeah.

00:04:02 Oh! Well, I'm glad.

00:04:04 Why?

00:04:05 What do you mean, why?

00:04:07 Why did you say you were glad?

00:04:09 Well, I think you're terrific on the show.

00:04:11 You do?

00:04:13 - I'd hate to see anything happen. - You would?

00:04:17 Well, yeah.

00:04:19 Wow! You're not just kidding around here, are you?

00:04:22 Of course I'm not kidding! I think you're terrific!

00:04:25 Miss Kahn, it's time to get ready for your musical number.

00:04:28 Thank you. I'll see you later, Gonzo. Excuse me.

00:04:30 Yeah, bye.

00:04:32 Hey Gonzo, how's it going with your yodeling clam?

00:04:34 You can have him. I'm in love!

00:04:36 - What's he good for? - Chowder!

00:04:39 [Yodeling]

00:04:44 We started the show with Happy Feet.

00:04:46 Here's our guest star to continue that thought.

00:04:48 Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Madeline Kahn!

00:04:53 [# Your Feet]

00:06:12 [Laughs]

00:06:27 Wait! Wait a minute!

00:07:13 These are filthy!

00:07:34 You kicked me that time!

00:07:40 Oh, my...!

00:07:45 I need you! But on the other hand...

00:07:48 Listen, let me get...

00:07:52 I just bought a new hearing aid.

00:07:54 - How much was it? - About four dollars.

00:07:57 - What kind is it? - Hmm?

00:07:59 I said what kind is it?

00:08:00 It's about a quarter after 12.

00:08:04 [Playing drums]

00:08:06 [# A Foggy Day]

00:08:10 [Audience boos]

00:08:15 Thank you, thank you.

00:08:19 Excuse me, Miss Piggy. May I come in?

00:08:22 Only if you're green and have flippers.

00:08:25 It's me, Gonzo, and it will only take a second.

00:08:28 [Sighs] OK twerp, what do you want?

00:08:31 Well, you know, I've always had this crush on you.

00:08:34 Yech!

00:08:36 I came to tell you that I'm not gonna bother you anymore.

00:08:40 I'm sorry.

00:08:42 Well, good!

00:08:44 I'm glad you've finally come to your senses.

00:08:47 - Well... - Oh, my dear Gonzo.

00:08:50 I know it will be painful for a while.

00:08:54 But in time, you shall forget all about me.

00:08:58 But I already have.

00:09:01 Oh.

00:09:02 Yes, I've found somebody else.

00:09:05 Oh, uh, well, uh... You have?

00:09:09 What's she like?

00:09:11 Well, she's nothing like you at all.

00:09:13 She's beautiful!

00:09:15 [Exhales]

00:09:18 And she's got this cute little nose.

00:09:20 And she's intelligent and talented.

00:09:23 - [Exhales] - And I'm very happy.

00:09:26 So you see, breaking up with you isn't painful at all.

00:09:29 Not until now! Hiyah!

00:09:35 I see what you mean.

00:09:40 [Singing gibberish]

00:09:51 [Speaks in mock Swedish]

00:09:54 ...lobster...

00:09:56 ...the lobster into the...

00:10:04 [horses approaching]

00:10:06 [Horn sounds]

00:10:12 [Yelling, gunfire]

00:10:14 [Speaks mock Spanish]

00:10:22 Haven't I seen you someplace before?

00:10:32 Arriba!

00:10:35 [Speaks mock Spanish]

00:10:38 Vamanos muchachos!

00:10:39 Don't move!

00:10:46 [Speaks mock Swedish]

00:10:49 What the hey?

00:10:52 I think they were trying to make a point with that sketch.

00:10:56 What's the point?

00:10:58 You're right. Forget it.

00:11:03 [# New York State of Mind]

00:13:03 [Man] And now, Pigs in Space!

00:13:11 Starring the salubrious Captain Link Hogthrob.

00:13:15 The provocative first mate, Miss Piggy.

00:13:19 And the mythical Dr. Strangepork.

00:13:23 When last we left the spaceship Swinetrek,

00:13:25 it was drifting aimlessly in space

00:13:28 due to the loss of power in the steering mechanism.

00:13:34 Are you sure we've lost power on our steering mechanism, Link?

00:13:38 I'm afraid so, doctor.

00:13:41 Try that one.

00:13:42 - What, this one here? - Mm-hm.

00:13:44 I already did.

00:13:46 I didn't see you.

00:13:48 You don't have to see me. I'm the captain.

00:13:51 Did you see him, doctor?

00:13:52 - Ah, no. - There!

00:13:54 But if Link says he tried that one, I for one believe him.

00:13:58 Thank you.

00:13:59 [Sighs] Men. You all stick together.

00:14:01 I'm going to try that control.

00:14:03 Now you stay on your own side. These are the captain's controls.

00:14:07 Those are your controls. They are the first mate controls.

00:14:10 You work your own.

00:14:11 But my controls are just for the hot plate,

00:14:14 the air conditioning and the stereo.

00:14:16 They have nothing to do with steering.

00:14:19 That's right.

00:14:22 I'm going to take a break.

00:14:24 Would you see that First Mate Piggy works her own controls and not mine?

00:14:27 Right, Link.

00:14:29 I know that it's this one.

00:14:30 - [Electronic beeping] - But the captain said...

00:14:32 I don't care what he said. I'm gonna try it.

00:14:35 I heard that. Stop her.

00:14:36 - Uh, it's too late! - This works the steering.

00:14:40 Oh!

00:14:43 Or the door.

00:14:45 [Man] Tune in two weeks from tonight and miss next week's

00:14:49 Pigs in Space!

00:14:56 You know, that was almost funny.

00:14:58 They better be careful. They'll spoil a perfect record.

00:15:03 OK, here is Fozzie Bear and his magic ukulele

00:15:07 playing one of the great classics from the musical theater.

00:15:11 [# And the Pig Got Up and Slowly Walked Away]

00:16:03 Hey. It... it's just a song.

00:16:06 Please don't take it personal.

00:16:08 Oh, boy.

00:16:12 That bit they just did reminds me of broccoli.

00:16:15 Why?

00:16:17 I hate broccoli.

00:16:20 Now once again, our special guest star, Miss Madeline Kahn.

00:16:29 [Singing]

00:16:31 What a beautiful, sunny day.

00:16:33 I just love sunny days because they are so beautiful.

00:16:39 When the sun shines, it just makes everything look so nice

00:16:42 that I wish the sun would never stop shining.

00:16:46 [Growling]

00:16:49 [Gibberish]

00:16:54 [Thunder]

00:16:58 Well.

00:17:01 Of course, uh... there are some very nice things about rainy days too.

00:17:06 The rain

00:17:09 feels so refreshing.

00:17:11 I think that I like rainy days just as much as I like sunny days.

00:17:16 [Gibberish]

00:17:23 After all, the rain makes the pretty flowers grow,

00:17:27 and I just love the pretty flowers.

00:17:30 [Snarling]

00:17:37 You know, even more than flowers,

00:17:40 I like trees.

00:17:42 [Roaring]

00:17:57 Just look at those lovely statues.

00:18:11 [Stuttering] I think that this bench

00:18:14 is probably one of the most comfortable benches I've ever sat upon.

00:18:29 Of course, there are so many beautiful things

00:18:32 that you don't even have to see to enjoy. Just listen.

00:18:36 [Bird chirping]

00:18:37 Listen to that lovely little bird singing.

00:18:41 [Chirping stops]

00:18:43 You are really not very nice.

00:18:47 - In fact, you're perfectly awful. - [Grumbling]

00:18:51 [Gibberish]

00:18:53 You are so awful that it is truly beautiful.

00:18:56 [Puzzled gibberish]

00:18:59 You've probably worked all your life to be perfectly awful.

00:19:04 Year after year to be just as bad as possible.

00:19:08 And now all of your toil and self-sacrifice has paid off.

00:19:13 - [Groaning] - Yes, you're a success.

00:19:16 Yes, you have set yourself a goal and you have achieved it.

00:19:21 Oh, you are to be congratulated.

00:19:26 Yeah.

00:19:28 You are so awful that it is truly beautiful.

00:19:30 In fact, you are the perfect example

00:19:34 of beautiful awfulness.

00:19:41 Sometimes you have to talk your troubles down to a size

00:19:44 where you can handle them.

00:19:58 Kermit, how do I look?

00:20:00 Very nice, Gonzo. What's the big occasion?

00:20:03 Madeline Kahn and I are getting married.

00:20:06 Married?

00:20:07 Yeah, moving out to the suburbs,

00:20:09 buying a station wagon, joining the PTA.

00:20:13 The whole ball of wax.

00:20:15 But Gonzo, you just met Madeline Kahn.

00:20:17 [Sighs] I know. I work fast, Kermit.

00:20:21 I'm going to ask her now.

00:20:22 Wait a second. You haven't even asked her yet?

00:20:25 Kermit, she's crazy about me.

00:20:28 Don't you think you're rushing things a little?

00:20:31 I mean, even buying a new tuxedo before...

00:20:33 No, this tuxedo isn't new.

00:20:35 I used to wear this when I was working on a magic act.

00:20:37 Are you sure it's all right?

00:20:40 I think you better check the pocket.

00:20:42 I think you're right.

00:20:45 You better check the hat too.

00:20:48 Quiet up there, Bun Bun.

00:20:51 [Kermit] Here's a Muppet news flash.

00:20:53 [Typewriters clacking]

00:20:55 Reports are coming in from all over the world

00:20:57 that television news reporters are blowing up.

00:21:00 These unlikely rumors have...

00:21:26 Kermit, I am glad you told me this. I mean, I...

00:21:30 - But I feel terrible now. - It wasn't your fault, Madeline.

00:21:34 Gonzo doesn't get many compliments.

00:21:37 When he does hear one, he goes bananas.

00:21:39 I was just trying to be nice to Gonzo, not marry him.

00:21:43 You've got to help me find him.

00:21:46 I'll go check the prop room.

00:21:47 I'll look upstairs.

00:22:42 Gonzo.

00:22:44 Oh. Hi, Miss Kahn.

00:22:46 Gonzo, I'm very sorry I made you sad.

00:22:49 Oh.

00:22:51 I just really don't think it would work out if we got married.

00:22:54 No, I suppose I am kind of short for you.

00:22:57 No! It's... Well, anyway.

00:23:02 Hey, I hope we can be the very best of friends.

00:23:05 [Snorting]

00:23:08 Thank you.

00:23:09 If there's anything I can ever do for you...

00:23:11 - There is one thing. - What?

00:23:13 Let me finish my song.

00:23:15 Oh, of course. I'd like to hear it, please.

00:24:03 [Sniffing] Can I borrow your...

00:24:06 - Sure. - Thank you.

00:24:09 What is this? What is this?

00:24:12 My magician's coat.

00:24:18 That's about it for this show. Let's have a special round of applause

00:24:22 for our guest star, Miss Madeline Kahn!

00:24:25 [Applause]

00:24:28 Thank you. Thank you, Kermit.

00:24:30 I very much enjoyed being on the show.

00:24:32 Everyone has been so nice.

00:24:35 Especially Gonzo.

00:24:37 Oh, thank you.

00:24:38 - I'm sorry it didn't work out. - You should be.

00:24:41 Now you'll have to go to all those PTA meetings alone.

00:24:45 OK, we'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!

00:25:26 - We got our money's worth tonight. - But we paid nothing.

00:25:29 That's what we got.