Episode 124: Mummenschanz/transcript

It's The Muppet Show with our

special guest stars, the Mummenschanz,

It's time to play the music

It's time to light the lights

It's time to meet the Muppets

on The Muppet Show tonight

It's time to put on makeup

It's time to dress up right

It's time to raise the curtain

on The Muppet Show tonight

Hey!

30 days has September, ApriI, June,

and my cousin Fred,

who'll be out on Wednesday,

To introduce our guest star

That's what I'm here to do

So it really makes me happy

To introduce to you

The Mummenschanz!

But now let's get things started

on the most sensationaI, inspirationaI

CelebrationaI, MuppetationaI

This is what we call

The Muppet Show

Thank you, thank you, And

welcome again to The Muppet Show.

And a rather unusuaI one we have

planned, because our special guest stars

are the unique masked

theater group from Switzerland

known as the Mummenschanz,

But right now, let's get things

started with Floyd, Scooter and the gang

and "Mr, Bass Man,"

Hey, Mr, Bass Man

You've got that certain something

Hey, Mr, Bass Man

You set that music thumping

To you it's easy

When you go one, two, three

Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba?

You mean ba-ba-ba

ba-ba-ba ba-ba ba-ba ba

Yeah! Hey, Mr, Bass Man

You're on all the songs

With a

ba-ba-ba-ba boom boom

And a ba-ba-ba-ba

boom-boom bam-bam

Hey, Mr, Bass Man

You're the hidden

king of rock and roll

- # Ba-ba-ba-ba

ba? - # No, no

Ba-ba-ba ba-ba-ba

ba-ba ba-ba ba

Ã¢â?¢Âª Oh! Well, it don't mean a thing

Ã¢â?¢Âª When the leader's singing

Or when he goes

- # Ay-ay ay

hi-ay-ay-ay-ay - # Yeah

Hey, Mr, Bass Man

I'm asking just one thing

Will you please teach me

Yeah, the way you sing?

'Cause, Mr, Bass Man

I wanna be a bass man too

- # Ba-ba ba-ba

ba? - # Like this

Ba-ba-ba ba-ba

ba-ba-ba-ba ba ba

Boom boom boom boom

ba-ba-ba boom boom boom boom

- # Now you - #

Boom-boom-boom-boom boom

Ba-ba-ba

boom-boom-boom boom boom

- # With me

- # Boom boom boom boom

Ba-ba-ba

boom-boom-boom boom boom

Ba-ba-ba boom ba-ba-boom

ba-ba-boom ba-ba-boom

Ba-ba-boom boom boom

boom boom boom boom boom

Well, it don't mean a thing

When the leader's singing

Or when he goes

- # Ay-ay ay

hi-ay-ay-ay-ay - # Yeah

Hey, Mr, Bass Man

I think I'm really with it

Hey, Mr, Boom

ba-boom ba-boom

With a de-de

de-de de-de de-de

Come on, Mr, Bass Man

Now I'm a bass man too

De-de de-de

ba ba ba?

Ba-ba-ba ba-ba-ba

ba-ba ba-ba ba ba

Boom boom boom boom ba-ba-ba

boom-boom boom boom boom

- # Ba-ba boom-boom-boom

boom boom - # You got it

Ba-ba-ba

boom-boom-boom boom boom

Ba-ba-ba

boom-boom-boom boom boom

Ba-ba-ba

boom-boom-boom boom boom

Ba-ba-ba boom ba-ba-boom

ba-ba-boom ba-ba-boom

Ba ba boom boom boom boom boom

Cha

Genius! Genius!

- Author! Author!

A work of art,

- Brilliant,

What was that about?

- That was about, uh

a minute and a half,

Hello? Is this

DiaI-A-Joke?

Fish got to swim, birds got to fly

I've got to love one frog till I die

Hmm,

What is this?

"My dearest Piggy,"

"You must know how much

I love you," Uh, uh

"I cannot pretend any longer,"

"I will wait for you in the

dressing room, mon cher. "

It has happened! Oh!

My Kermit has admitted

his love for me at last,

And now, he waits within,

Oh, come to my arms, my

little passion flower!

I'm here, my love,

Kissy kissy?

Our special guest, the Mummenschanz,

is a group of performers who

Well, they're kind of distant

cousins to the Muppets,

They use a unique mixture

of pantomime and masks

that's about as difficult

to describe as to pronounce,

Ladies and gentlemen,

the Mummenschanz,

Fantastic, Incredible,

They remind me of puppets,

Hmm, puppets, I've

always hated puppets,

Ah, you're a traitor to your class,

What class? I never even graduated,

She kissed me, She put her arms

around me and she kissed me,

It was a case of mistaken identity,

Oh,

Hug me, Miss Piggy, Hold me,

I will not hug you, you twit turkey,

Oh,

Hold my hand, pig of my dreams,

Will you beat it, twerp?

- Oh,

Just touch me, oh hog of my heart,

Here's a touch for you, wimp buzzard,

- I'm ready!

Hii-yah!

She touched me, She swung her

porky pinkies and she touched me,

Oh

Shh!

- Shh!

Hm!

Shh!

Uh, the Mummenschanz do some

very strange-looking things,

Things that look like this,

Then there's something

that goes like this,

And how about this one?

How long we been

going together, anyway?

Oh, about ten years,

Well, it's time we got married,

Oh, gee, it's so sudden,

There is such riff-raff here,

Wouldn't you rather be associated

with a better class of people?

Yeah, But you were the

only one not dancing,

AnimaI, my watch won't run,

Ah! Here, I run it for you,

Ah! Ooh! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Hey, you are one cute

tomato, my little dumpling,

my little cupcake,

my little lamb chop,

Oh, that makes me feeI so so

- Amorous? Let's kiss,

No, hungry, Let's eat,

Hey, you know these jokes

they give us each week?

You know, they make me so

mad, I could blow my top,

Me too,

- Ladies first,

Ah, I feeI better now,

Oh, my heart is beating wildly

And it's because you're here

When I'm not near the fish I love

I love the fish I'm near

Every fin that flutters by me

Is a flame that must be fanned

When I can't fondle

the fin that I'm fond of

I fondle the fin at hand

I love every flipper

of each little kipper

For each one is hipper, my dear

When I'm not near the fish I love

I love the fish I'm near

Hello, there,

Hey,

Whoop-de-doop-de-do,

For herring I'm caring

For tuna I swoon-a

I'm faithfuI to whoever's here

When I'm not near the fish I love

I love the fish I'm near

Ah Ah Ah Ah

Help me,

- Oh, OK,

Thank you,

- It's all right,

Well, this is the part of the show

where I usually spend a few moments

talking to the guest stars, but in this

case the Mummenschanz don't talk, do you?

Yeah? Oh, well, Um

In that case, uh, say something,

I mean, say anything, It

doesn't have to be important,

I mean, you can say something silly,

Ask for silly, you get silly,

Uh, does anybody have

anything important to say?

Yeah?

And, uh, with that thought we bid

goodbye to the talk spot for another week,

Bravo! Bravo!

- What are you bravoing about?

That performance, It was first-rate,

Yes, it was good, But only one act

I've ever seen deserved a bravo,

Oh, really? Who was that?

- Lady Beth Macintosh

and her singing parakeets,

I'll never forget her

closing night at the Palace,

What happened?

- Well, she fell into a box of birdseed

just before going on stage and she

was pecked to death by the parakeets,

That's a hard act to follow,

Yeah, Well, I was there and I cried,

- Really? What did you cry?

Bravo! Bravo!

Oh, here she comes,

Get down, get down,

Oh, hi, uh, Piggy, my dear,

Did you call me "my dear," Kermie?

Indeed I did, I was just wondering if

you'd like to go to dinner after the show,

What?

- Yeah,

You know, a quiet, candlelit

meaI with soft music,

perhaps some wine,

And then go dancing, and walk

by the river in the moonlight,

Oh, I would love

those things, my dear,

Good, So would Gonzo here, and I hope

the two of you have a great evening,

Ah, Kissy kissy?

I'm gonna cut you in

half for this, Frog,

It is my distinct pleasure at this

time to present Wayne and Wanda,

of whom noted composer and

conductor Leonard Bernstein wrote:

"These two are a manifestation

of the musicaI mediocrity

that passes for talent

in our troubled times,"

Hm, Nice review,

Say it's only a paper moon

Hanging over our

Hello. I am Vendaface.

- Huh?

Simply insert coin in

slot, step up to machine,

and I will rearrange your looks.

All right,

Phase one.

This good?

Oh, Kermit?

That was a low and dirty trick,

setting up a date with me and Gonzo,

Wasn't it?

Well Well, Piggy, I suppose

it was, yeah, I'm sorry,

Oh, really? Oh!

How sweet of you to apologize

so abjectly to your lover pig,

Well, that wasn't exactly

an abject apology

Get away from me, you giant beak!

Kermit, now that you've

begged for my forgiveness

Don't touch me, creep!

Why don't we just kissy-poo

and make up, my darling?

You're breathing on me!

Kissy kissy?

- Uh

Well, Piggy, while I appreciate

this offer of affection,

I hope you'll understand

when I tell you, as usuaI,

that I do not want you,

Oh, then, can I have her?

Hiii-yah!

That is known as getting

two turkeys with one chop,

Here's

a Muppet news flash,

Dateline, Moscow,

Sergei Lenofsky, whom the Russians

claim is the world's oldest living human,

celebrated his 1 96th birthday

yesterday by taking a deep breath,

Sergei has 96 children, 1 50

grandchildren and 228 great-grandchildren,

none of whom visit him,

Said his youngest son, Leonid:

"He smells funny,"

Ladies and gentlemen,

the Mummenschanz,

Well, that's about all the time we have

- Oh, Kermit, my love,

I am so sorry about my

little temper tantrum,

Old buzzard-beak

was driving me crazy,

You drive me crazy, Miss Piggy,

You know something, Nasty Nose?

I'm going to send you on a

one-way trip to the geek farm,

Send me!

Pig power,

Well, the course of true

love never runs smooth,

But right now, let's have a warm

thank-you to our special guest stars,

Andres Bossard, Floriana

Frassetto and Bernie Schurch,

better known as the Mummenschanz,

Thank you,

Kermit, It's been great,

Say, you guys really

do work as a team,

We'll see you all next

time on The Muppet Show.

That was a funny show,

- Yes, it was,

I wonder if they meant it that way?