Episode 120: Valerie Harper/transcript

It's The Muppet Show with our special

guest star, Miss Valerie Harper,

It's time to play the music

It's time to light the lights

It's time to meet the Muppets

on The Muppet Show tonight

It's time to put on makeup

It's time to dress up right

It's time to raise the curtain

on The Muppet Show tonight

Hey, did you know that if Tuesday Weld

married Frederick March's grandson,

she'd be Tuesday March

the Second? Ha ha,

To introduce our guest star

That's what I'm here to do

So it really makes me happy

To introduce to you

Miss Valerie Harper,

But now let's get things started

on the most sensationaI, inspirationaI

CelebrationaI, MuppetationaI

This is what we call

The Muppet Show

Hey, George, George,

- What? What? What?

Would you clean up this backstage?

This whole place is a mess,

Yeah, Of course it's a mess, with all

these Muppets exploding around here,

Every time I turn around,

there's somebody blowing his top,

George, that is a slight

exaggeration, isn't it?

I guess it's all in my mind,

Am I in the right place?

- Oh, Valerie Harper,

Welcome to The Muppet Show. Oh, we're

so glad that you can come and be with us,

Me too, Kermit, You know, I'm not

filming Rhoda this week, I got hiatus,

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, Did

you get it lifting something?

Oh, no

- Maybe you should see a doctor,

Kermit, that means that we're on vacation,

And, well, you see, I'm a totaI Muppet freak,

Everyone in this joint is a freak,

See what I mean?

- George, this is Valerie Harper,

She's on hiatus,

I'm George the janitor,

I'm on vitamin E,

Move it,

You have to forgive George there,

- OK,

You were saying, Valerie,

- Yes, I was hoping

that you might let me do a

big opening number on the show,

Oh, well, we had planned

to open the show with

Bertha Beasley and her Galloping Geese,

- Yes,

But actually, Bertha isn't here

yet and the show's about to start,

She won't be here, Kermit,

- What?

I Scotch-taped a busheI

of birdseed to her body,

Even as we speak, geese are

pecking her into oblivion,

Wow, you are some determined lady,

- I certainly am, Kermit,

Look, I can do it if you

just give me the chance,

Kermit, television is great, but

I gotta get back on those boards,

You know what it's like

- a live audience,

smell of the grease paint,

the roar of the crowd,

At least let me audition for you, will you?

- Sure, Go on ahead,

I'm just a Broadway baby

Walking off my tired feet

Pounding 42nd Street

To be in a show

Oh, vododio

Broadway baby

Learning how to sing and dance

Waiting for that one big chance

To be in a show

Oh

Gee, I'd love to be

On a marquee

All twinkling lights

A spark to pierce the dark

From Battery Park

Way up to Washington Heights

Some day maybe

All my dreams will be repaid

Heck, I'd even play the maid

To be in a show

Say, Mister Producer, oh

Some girls get the breaks

Just give me my cue, sir

Cos I got what it takes

Hey, Mister Producer

Kermit, I'm talkin' to you, sir

I don't need luck

Only what I got

Plus a tube of grease

paint and a follow spot

Some day maybe

If I stick it long enough

I may get to strut my stuff, yeah

Working for a nice man

like a Ziegfeld or a Weissman

In a big time

Broadway

Show

Oh, that was great, You

were just wonderfuI, Valerie,

I tell you, you're going

out on that stage a star,

but you're gonna be

coming back a chorus girI,

I'm not sure that's

what I had in mind,

Well, what a beautifuI performer,

- Yeah, what a beautifuI woman,

You know, Waldorf, I think

I'll go backstage and meet her,

Why, you old fooI, she wouldn't

have anything to do with you,

Besides, I was thinking

of going backstage,

You? You? Why, you're old

enough to be her grandfather,

Why, you geriatric joker, We'll

settle this, we'll flip for her,

OK,

- One, two, three

You win,

Hii-yah!

Hey, chief,

One of those hecklers

from the box is back here

and he says he wants

to speak to Miss Harper,

Oh, for goodness sakes,

I've got a show to do,

I can't have every Tom, Dick,

and Harry coming back here,

Hi, Tom, Hi, Dick, Hi, Harry,

Of course, there are exceptions,

Where is Miss Harper? I demand

to see her! I will not be denied!

Well, wow! One of our hecklers has

turned into a stage-door Johnny,

Miss Harper is up in her dressing

room there rehearsing her lines,

Well, I've been rehearsing my

lines too, for when I meet her,

How's this? "Hiya, toots, You're

some kind of hot-looking tomato,"

That's a very old line,

- Well, I'm a very old man,

Hey, listen, Stage-door Johnnies

are supposed to bring roses,

What is that thing?

- Oh, roses are ordinaire.

This is a very special plant

for a very special lady,

It's an African berry bush, Grows

at a rate of three feet an hour,

Unless it rains, then it grows faster,

Well, I suggest that you bury your

berry bush and bug outta here, buster,

That's nice alliteration, huh?

- Hey!

I'll have you know I've

dated, and wined and dined

some of the finest performers

on the legitimate stage,

Hayes, Langtry, Barrymore,

Wait a minute, You

dated EtheI Barrymore?

No, LioneI,

EtheI was busy that night, To tell you

the truth, we didn't dance much either,

Will you get outta here!

- No, I'll sit over here with my bush,

I have the feeling this is

going to be one of those shows,

Here's a Muppet news flash,

Dateline, Milwaukee, Wisconsin,

Doctors in Milwaukee

have reported a phenomenon

never before witnessed

in medicaI annals,

Mr, Gus Klinger, a steam fitter,

has, over a three-month

period, turned into a rug,

Here is his wife, Mrs, Klinger,

to explain what happened,

Well, it all started as a simple case of

shag pile on the belly, but then, gradually,

it spread, untiI he is now a

9 by 1 2 carpet, With fringe,

I am just going to have to

sue for divorce, that's all,

Why is that, Mrs, Klinger?

- Cos he does not match the drapes,

OK, now it is with great

pleasure and no little concern

that I present my dear friend

Rowlf, with an originaI poem

written, directed, and

conceived by Rowlf -

sort of a tour de force, which is

French for "blow your own horn,"

So let's bring him on

with a great big hand,

I've titled this originaI

poem "The Butterfly,"

I saw a butterfly one beautifuI morn

Flitting silently on

the dew-covered lawn

And I thought to myself

how wonderfuI it would be

If only we could see

Millions of these

Covering the mountains,

the plains, and the seas,

I held out my hand

And motioned it to land

And as it did, I looked for another

butterfly with which to mate it,

I couldn't find one so

I sat down and ate it,

It was only a joke, I'm just kidding,

Well, Statler would have

loved that one, but I hated it,

OK, let's move that butterfly,

Move it, move it, move it,

Well, at least you're

better than that bear,

Not much, but

Hey! What are you doing here?

Well, if it's any of your business,

janitor man, I'm waiting for Miss Harper,

It looks like your plant

could use some watering,

Hm? No! No! You fooI! Oh, no!

This is an African berry bush,

It grows at an enormous rate,

It will grow and grow and

eat everything in sight,

It bears a striking resemblance

to my brother-in-law,

I think your brother is

going to buy you a house,

Why?

- I heard him say you belong in a home,

Dip,

- Agh!

You know, I just can't

seem to hold on to a guy,

What is it, huh? I'm a reaI good-looker,

a neat dresser, and a great cook,

Come on, tell me now,

What's my problem?

You're too introverted,

- Yeah, maybe you're right,

This music they're playin'

is garbage! Pure garbage, man,

Why do you say that?

Enough said?

Uh Dr, Tooth,

- Teeth,

Teeth, Do you think

honesty is the best policy?

Oh, positively,

Well, you are a terrible dancer,

Another crack like that and your best

policy will be an insurance policy,

You'd better be carefuI,

There's a bat coming your way,

Oh, that's all right,

My uncle was a vampire,

It's not that kind of a bat,

A definite improvement,

So what do I do here?

Oh, Sam, you just play

the part of the bird,

I mean, it's not written

for an eagle, but

Well, is this culturaI?

- Oh, yeah, This is light opera,

Gilbert and Sullivan,

Begin,

On a tree by the

river a little tomtit

Sang

Uh This is your part, Sam,

Willow, titwillow, titwillow,

And I said to him, "Dickeybird "

That's you, Sam, You play

the part of the dickeybird,

"Why do you sit, singing "

Dickeybird?

Willow, titwillow, titwillow,

"Is it weakness of

intellect, birdie?" I cried

Not meaning you, Sam,

- Mm, Yes, yes,

"Or a rather tough worm

in your little inside?"

With a shake of his poor

little head, he replied

Willow, titwillow, titwillow,

Now I feeI just as sure as

I'm sure that my name isn't

Willow, titwillow, titwillow,

That 'twas blighted

affection that made him exclaim

You wanna do this?

Uh Willow, titwillow, titwillow,

And if you remain

callous and obdurate, I

What's "obdurate"?

- I don't know, Sam,

Shall perish as he

did, and you will know why

Though I probably

shall not exclaim as I die

This is the last one, Sam,

Willow titwillow titwillow,

Why are they laughing?

Gonna find her

Gonna find her

Gonna find her

Yeah

Been searchin'

Searchin'

Searchin' every

which a-way, yeah, yeah

Searchin'

Oh, yeah

Searchin'

Mm-hm

Searchin' every

which a-way, yeah, yeah

But I'm like a Northwest Mountie

You know I'll bring her back someday

Gonna find her

Well, now, if I have to swim a river

You know I will

And if I have to climb a mountain

You know I will

And if she's a-hiding

Up on a blueberry hill

Am I gonna find her,

child, you know I will

Cos I've been searchin'

Oh, yeah

Searchin'

Goodness

Searchin' every

which a-way, yeah, yeah

Well, I'm like

that Northwest Mountie

You know I'll bring her back someday

Gonna find her

Yeah, I'm like a Northwest Mountie

You know I'll bring her back someday

I'll find you, darling,

- # Gonna quit now

I know you're around here someplace,

- # Gonna quit now

Oh, this is hard work,

Gonna quit

OK,

Just think, that old fooI Statler's getting

a chance to meet Miss Harper backstage,

Just because he could do a flip,

But I bet he can't do this,

Sometimes I tickle myself,

In fact, I think I'll

tickle myself now,

Statler! You gotta do something

about this crazy plant of yours,

Now, hold it right

there, I know my rights,

Section three, paragraph

four, Theatergoer's Manual.

"Any member of the audience

has the right to "

Oh, don't give me that hogwash!

- What did you say?

I said, "Don't give me that hogwash,"

- All right, I was gonna wash the hogs,

but if you don't want the

hogwash, I'll just dump it here,

No, no, no! Not there!

What? Oh, no,

Help! Bush running

amuck! Bush running amuck!

Help! Help! Help!

Oh, no, Help!

- I'll get you, I'll get you, Just hold still,

Hilda, I lost my comb, Do you

know where I can get a new one?

Oh, haven't you met

Bernie, our new makeup man?

No, I guess I haven't,

- Oh, Bernie! Bernie!

Bernie, Miss Harper

needs a comb, Bernie,

Oh, hiya, Miss Harper,

- Hiya, Bernie,

I'll get you a comb in just a

minute, In the meantime, have an egg,

Hilda, don't tell me he's

That's right, He's the Easter Bernie,

Oh, dear,

Finally, they gave Hilda the pinch line,

- Don't you mean punch line?

No, I mean the pinch line,

- How come?

Agh!

That's how come,

- Hiya, sweetie,

Hilda, you want a punch

line, this is a punch line,

Agh!

Nice punch, Valerie,

Onstage for the next sketch, please,

- Uh Kermit,

Mm? What?

- Kermit, I cannot do my monologue,

How come?

- Because the tree ate my cue cards,

Statler! One of these days

I'm gonna get you for this,

You could have avoided all this if you'd

let me meet Miss Harper when I asked,

The only person you're going

to meet back here is Tarzan,

I hope he's a good dancer,

Once again, the happy harmonies,

the melodious melodies,

the warm warblings of Wayne and Wanda,

Please, do it for me, Or somebody,

On a clear day

Rise and look around you

And you'll see

Where you are

Here's a Muppet news flash,

Dateline Oh,

Sorry,

Kermit, I am so pleased

that you're gonna allow me

to do a big dance

number to close the show,

Oh, listen, it's my pleasure,

Hey, but I think I should warn you,

you're gonna be doing

this with our chorus line

and they're known as the Clodhoppers,

- That's perfect,

It's been so long since I've danced,

I'll fit right in, I'll be a perfect clod,

Oh, no, no, Don't worry, I'm

gonna give it my best shot,

You're a trooper, Valerie, I'll

go out there and introduce you, OK?

OK,

Hang in there, gang, This could

be the start of a new career,

Or the end of one,

OK, and now, once again,

ladies and gentlemen,

Miss Valerie Harper

with the Clodhoppers,

Hey,

Thank you,

Agh!

If there's a wrong way to say it

A wrong way to play it

Nobody does it like me

If there's a wrong way to do it

A right way to mess it up

Nobody does it like me

Oh,

Yoo hoo,

- Oh,

If there's a wrong

way to keep it cooI

A right way to be a fooI

Nobody does it like me

If there's a wrong bell, I ring it

A wrong note, I sing it

Nobody does it like me

If there's a wrong way to keep a guy

Right way to lose a guy

Nobody does it like me

Nobody does it, no

Nobody does it like

Nobody does it like

Me

Well, once again, friends,

it's time to say so long,

but first, let's thank our special

guest star, Miss Valerie Harper, Yeah!

Kermit, I can't tell you how great it's

been being with you, if very unusuaI,

Excuse me, Miss Harper,

My name is Statler, I

- Oh, for heaven's sake, Statler!

I was wanting to meet you all evening,

I wanted to give you this little present

and ask if you'd join me

for a steak dinner later on,

Wait a second, Didn't that plant grow into

a great big bush or was that my imagination?

Yeah, well, this is its firstborn,

Thank you very much, Statler, It's

lovely, But I can't join you for dinner,

You see, I'm a vegetarian, Of

course, I could always eat the plant,

Before it eats you,

OK, well, good night,

Valerie, Good night, everybody,

We'll see you all next

time on The Muppet Show.

You're not too bad yourself,

Hubba hubba hubba, Hey? What? No,

What are you? What? No, Wait, Wait,

I was practicing my flip,

Help!