Episode 202: Rick Moranis/transcript

Now, baby, you don't understand.

No, no. I can't come home early.

No, no. We got Rick Moranis on the show.

[both talking]

Not now. Will you stop bugging me?

Oh, no, no, no. Not you, baby.

But you haven't even heard our idea, sweetie.

I'm not talking to you, shrimp.

No, no, no. I wasn't calling you a shrimp, baby.

Well, then why are you calling me baby?

Well, maybe he's calling me baby.

Pipe down, dumbo.

No, no, no. Not you, honey. Look--

[click]

Oh, man.

I'm gonna really pay for that later.

[both talking]

Now, what do you two want?

Well, we got a new act, clifford.

Yeah, yeah. Seymour and pepe...

The amazing whippersnappers.

Ok, ok, so how does it work?

Oh. Well, I hold up this big, smelly cigar in my mouth...

Yeah, and then I whip it away with my bullwhip.

Ha ha ha. One inch at a time.

No more, no less.

Yeah.

Ok, boys, whip it.

[music plays]

♪ crack that whip ♪

♪ give that whip a crack ♪

♪ we say whip it ♪

♪ whip it good ♪

Aah!

Whoops. Ha.

I, uh--ha--

I think I whipped the wrong end.

[elevator dings]

Pepe! Pepe!

Uh, I think we got a few things to fix.

It's muppets tonight

With our very special guest star Rick Moranis.

Yay!

Captioning made possible by the u.S. Department of education

♪ if you're a human being ♪

♪ take a break from the race ♪

♪ take a load off your feet ♪

♪ wipe the load off your face ♪

♪ got a lot to do ♪

♪ and we do it for you ♪

♪ everybody take your place ♪

♪ muppets tonight ♪

♪ you're gonna see something better ♪

♪ tonight's the night ♪

♪ you're gonna live with the memories ♪

♪ we got a show for you ♪

♪ guaranteed brand-new ♪

♪ here come the muppets tonight ♪

Yeah.

[whistling]

♪ we got a show for you ♪

♪ guaranteed brand-new ♪

♪ here come the muppets ♪

♪ here come the muppets ♪

♪ here come the muppets tonight ♪

All right. Ok, in 5...4...

Where's clifford? Clifford, you're on.

[applause]

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Welcome to muppets tonight

With our special guest Rick Moranis.

That's right. Give it up.

Most folks don't know that rick got his big break

On a tv show he did with the muppets

In the early seventies.

Let's watch, shall we?

[theme music plays]

Announcer: one purple, one green, one full-figured.

The muppet odd squad

Starring special guest star little ricky moranis as little ricky cool.

Man, we really stuck it

To the establishment this time, huh?

Stuck it to them.

That little student protest I organized

Left the bag wide open.

Come on.

Let's keep counting this bread.

All right. One loaf...

2 loafs...

Are you dudes messing with my head?

Yeah, if you want us to.

Mess, mess, mess. Mess, mess, mess.

Hey, I just ironed this hair. Cut it out.

Freeze!

Aah!

Ok, you psychedelic sicko,

Revolution called on account of...

The muppet odd squad.

Yeah. Looks like the power

Went out of your flower, man.

Oh, man. This is turning into a bad trip.

You think this is a bad trip,

Try driving to yosemite with a car full of kids.

[all three talking]

Shut up!

You really sold out, lint.

You used to be one of us, and now your part of...

The establishment.

I'm gonna make this short

Because this oversized afro is killing my neck.

But, yes, I am a part of the establishment and proud of it.

Proud to be one of the working men, frogs,

And full-figured pigs who live their lives

In the daylight.

Yeah, not in the black light.

Black light?

Hey, let's groove!

[hippie music plays]

Far out.

All right. Enough groovin'. Let's fight.

All right. Cool it.

You don't get it, do you?

You pigs will never catch up with little ricky cool.

Oh, yes, we will! Oh, yes, we will!

Not you pigs. Those pigs.

Well, so much for little ricky cool.

Let's go.

Don't you mean, let's go go?

Right on.

[music resumes]

Yes!

♪ me me me me me me ♪

♪ me me me ♪

♪ me me me me ♪

Beaker, stop it. Stop it.

There'll be plenty of time

To shake your groove thing later.

Hey, what are you guys doing in the guest star's dressing room?

Oh, clifford, we were just looking for mr. Rick Moranis.

What do you need rick for?

We need his advice.

You see, clifford,

We're having a bit of a problem

With our latest invention,

The micro shrink-o-matic machine.

Well, what's wrong with it?

Well, its effects are just a trifle inconsistent.

Mmm. Watch.

Wha...

Oh. Ohh.

Me me me me me me me me.

Oh, man, dr. Do.

Well, look on the bright side, beaky-poo.

At least one bottle of shampoo

Will last you a very long time.

Yeah, beaker. You can use pinhead and shoulders.

Me me me me.

Ohh.

Ok, everyone, team, get ready to cue the cow announcer

In 3, 2, 1, cue!

And now the makers of mooveltine,

The brown flavored drink you'll swear is almost chocolatelike,

Are proud to bring you another exciting adventure of...

Lash holstein, space cowdet.

Episode 26, how now, space cow?

Excellent. Ha.

Now all I need to do is get the deed to your plutonium ranch,

And I, moo-ing the merciless, evil emperor

Of the planet lactosia,

Will rule the world.

Ha ha ha ha!

You evil tyrant!

Stand back, boss.

We're gonna blow this thing to kingdom come.

[explosion]

What happened?

Uh, I just remembered,

I left the dynamite in the car.

Idiot!

There, boss. That oughta blow it sky high.

It's about time. Do it.

Where's the safe?

It's on your head, boss.

Idiot!

You'll never get away with this, moo-ing.

Says you, beautiful single ranch owner dorothy bovine.

Now that I have the deed to your ranch,

This plutonium oil mine of yours is mine!

Ha ha!

Egad. Lash holstein, space cowdet.

What are you doing here?

I'm here to take back that deed, moo-ing.

Ha. Over my boiled brisket you will.

Get him, bart!

You're dead meat, holstein.

Actually, I'm red meat.

Well, better dead than red.

Oh, yeah?

Announcer: tune in next time,

Same cow time, same cow channel

For another rip-roaring episode of...

Lash holstein, space cowdet.

You know what's sad?

What's that?

I can't think of anything I'd rather do

Than watch this dumb show.

Ha. Neither can I.

Hi, guys. Mind if we join you?

Both: I've just thought of something.

Here, sit down.

Yes, please. Make yourself comfortable.

How nice you look today.

Hey, guys.

Hello, Rick Moranis.

Hey, can I ask you something?

You know the medley I'm doing later in the show,

The salute to late-fifties crooners,

Obscure british bands, and bill withers?

Mm-hmm. Si.

I was wondering, which sweater do you think would work better,

The pullover or the cardigan?

Well, let's see.

The cardigan has a perry como feel,

But the pullover screams johnny mathis.

Johnny mathis! Johnny mathis!

Ha ha ha ha! Johnny mathis!

I'll go with the cardigan.

Oh, Rick Moranis.

You are such a humorful man.

We will never be big stars like you.

Who's gonna give a show to a couple of cooks like us?

Well, wait a second, guys.

Here's an idea right there.

Why don't you do a cooking show?

In fact, I'd be honored to be the first celebrity guest.

But what if we don't have what it takes?

Well, all you need is a positive attitude and...

High hopes.

Let me tell you a little story.

You have to?

I'm afraid so.

♪ once there was a little old ant ♪

♪ thought he'd move-- ♪

Aah!

What'd you do that for?

Th-there was an ant on the table. I smashed it!

It was a musical ant. He was there for the song.

Oh. Sorry.

[siren]

[crying]

Will you shut up?

[siren resumes]

Ok.

Where was I?

♪ that ant had high hopes ♪

♪ that dead ant had high hopes ♪

♪ before you smashed him, he had ♪

♪ high apple-pie in-the-sky hopes ♪

♪ so anytime we're feeling low ♪

♪ 'stead of letting go ♪

♪ just remember that ant ♪

Yeah.

♪ whoops, there goes another ambulanced ♪

♪ oops, there goes another ambulanced ♪

♪ whoops, there goes another ambulanced ant ♪

Ambulanced ant?

You know, pepe, rick is right.

If we do this cooking show,

We can finally get out of this humdrum, meaningless existence

And be somebody.

Yes, seymour. From now on,

It's you and me calling the shots,

And as god is my witness,

We'll never have to cook again!

Well, except on the cooking show.

What? Why's that?

Aw, skip it.

♪ he said skip it ♪

♪ skip it good ♪

Oh, this is a weird place.

Thank you.

Ha ha ha ha.

Well, tell me, meebsorp,

Why did you want to blow up earth?

Because you stupid humans never listen to our needs.

Now, now, now, let's try to talk this through.

How do you feel about what meebsorp's just said, mr. President?

Well, first of all, I asked them why the aliens

Never told us what they wanted.

They just came and blew up the white house.

Hey, people cheered.

Well, just the republicans.

And the perot people.

Leave perot out of this. He's one of us.

And then ask him why they blew up new york,

Los angeles, moscow, london--

Well, I think blowing up those cities

Was really just meebsorp's way

Of acting out his inner anger.

Oh, fine, fine. Make me the bad guy.

Oh. Huh?

[honking]

Oh, gotta go. My ride's here.

Always, "Gotta go. My ride's here."

Always just when we're getting somewhere.

Ask him why that is.

Aww.

Announcer: coming soon...

This time, it's innerpersonal.

That's right, baby.

Yeah, the show' half over.

I'll be home soon. Yeah. Yeah.

Hey, man. Good job.

Hey, thanks. You know,

I turned down 3rd rock for this.

Well, we all make mistakes.

Good point. Zoing.

Hi, jane.

[humming]

Hey, kermit.

Oh, hi, rick.

I gotta tell you,

I've done a lot of tv shows and movies,

But I'ev seen a fruitast

The likes of what you guys got me.

Oh, really?

Look at that thing 's eautiful.

Of course, I think it might clog up my juice buddy 2000,

But it's the thgh thanks.

Yeah, yore-- you're welcome.

Ooh. Ooh.

[gasps] ooh.

Well, I think we need to make a few minor adjustments

To the micro shrink-o-matic machine, beakie.

Me me me moo.

Oh, don't worry, beakie.

We'll get around to fixing your head...

Eventually.

Ooh.

Ok, stand by the announcer

For the conclusion of space cowdets.

Eugene, could you get me an apple?

Oh, eugene.

Action!

And now another exciting episode of...

Lash holstein, space cowdet.

Lash! Help!

Quit mooing. They'll never hear you.

They've got at least another hour left in that fight.

Now get in that ship.

I'm taking you back to lactosia,

Where you will become my bride.

No! Never!

Ha ha ha! Move along!

Ha ha ha!

[engine won't start]

Nice going, moo-ing. You flooded it.

Silence!

Where are all those intergalactic jumper cables?

Which one of these is positive?

I'll never tell you.

Never!

Oh, good grief.

[engine starts]

Ha ha! And you said it was flooded.

We're off.

Ha ha ha ha. Hmm.

Lash!

Huh?

 hold it right there, moo-ing.

I'm about to kick your sweet acidophilus

Right out of this galaxy, buddy.

Look out, lash. 's got a ray gun.

Look out! We're going to crash!

Huh? Huh?

Announcer: next week...

Join lash holstein and his daring devils

For another pasteurized adventure of...

Boy, that sure was bad.

I wonder whatever happened to those cows.

Here are your steaks.

No. It couldn't be.

Why not?

Because these are well-done.

Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha!

[singing nonsensically]

[knock on door]

Come in.

You wanted to see me, rick?

Yeah, kerm. I wanted to thank you personally

For allowing me to do my salute

To the late fifties crooners,

Obscure british bands, and bill withers.

Yeah, but, rick, we canceled that number.

What?!

Well...

You're guest on seymour and pepe's cooking show instead.

But I thought I could do both!

Well, but we don't have enough time for both.

Well, the only reason I'm on the show is because of that medley.

Ok. I'll see what I can do, rick.

Well, I'm gonna call my agent.

Oh. Ohh.

[chanting]

William morris'...

Creative artists.

Ha ha ha.

Morty, how could you let this happen?

Can I be honest th you, rick?

Between you and me and all things being equal, I wasn't listening.

I'm on a conference call right now. What's the problem?

They cut the medley.

What mley?

The medley I was supposed to do in the show!

I didn't make the deal.

I s on a conference call like I am now.

I had to bring in your lawyer.

Ha ha. What's the matter with you, babe?

Phil, you gotta help me out here.

Oh. Ha ha ha. Just leave that little frog to me.

Hi, all.

So, little one...

We hear you canceled rick's number.

Oh, yeah. We had to.

There's not enough time left in the show.

He's playing hardball with us, rick.

Well, play hardball back.

All right. Kermit...

Either our client performs his number,

Or we'll make it rain frogs

For 7 days and 7 nights.

Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha!

Oh, good. A family reunion.

That'll be fun.

Ok, ok, all right. How about this?

A plague of locusts upon your people.

Locusts. Yummy.

Ooh, this guy's tough, rick. He's very shrewd.

Aw, forget it. I'll handle it myself.

We still get our 10%.

Yeah, or your second-born, whichever comes first.

[applause]

Thank you. Thank you so much.

Thank you. Thank you. All right.

Hello, and welcome to our very own cooking show.

Yeah. Richard.

[music plays]

Ah-ah-ah-ah.

♪ I'm seymour ♪

♪ I'm pepe ♪

♪ our guest is Rick Moranis ♪

♪ we hope you like our cooking show ♪

♪ so kermit does not can us ♪

Ta-da! Ta-da!

Tonight we are going to make a delicacy

Enjoyed in many of the finest restaurants in the world.

That gourmet treat, bread.

Yes, pepe,

And to show us how to make bread,

Here's our guest celebrity cook,

Rick Moranis!

[applause]

Hey, it's so fab to be here

On hey what smells.

What kind of a name is that?

Uh, no, no, no.

It's hey what smells so good,

It's time to cook with seymour and pepe.

But the letters were too big,

So that's all we could fit on the sign, ok?

Well, what the heck. You know,

The real way to make boss bread

Is with plenty of yeast,

And while we're waiting for the dough to rise,

I'd like to say that... [music plays]

Through the years, there have been a lot of great singers.

Here's a little tribute to the golden throats of days gone by.

Is this enough yeast?

No, no. Rick said plenty of yeast.

All right.

♪ I'm leaning on the lamppost ♪

♪ on the corner of the street ♪

♪ in case a certain little lady-- ♪

♪ goes away, little girl ♪

♪ goes away, little girl ♪

My goodness.

♪ you're hurting me more ♪

♪ each minute that you delay-- ♪

♪ ain't no sunshine when she's gone ♪

♪ hmm, hmm, hmm-- ♪

♪ here we come agai mmm-mmm ♪

♪ catch us if you can, mmm-mmm ♪ get away!

 ♪ time to get a move on, mmm-mmm ♪

♪ we'll be going out of our--♪

♪ hey, little girl ♪

♪ comb your hair, fix your makeup ♪

♪ soon he will open the-- ♪

♪ hey, yesterday night ♪ [gunshots]

♪ I saw the light shine from a window-- ♪

♪ and I know, I know, I know, I know ♪

♪ I know, I know, I know, I know ♪

♪ I know, I know... ♪

Don't worry. We'll help you. Beaker, power up.

♪ I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know... ♪

No! You'll ruin the recipe!

Aah!

Hold on, honey. You're not gonna believe what just happened to pepe.

♪ I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know-- ♪

♪ and I said to... ♪

Man, what I wouldn't give for a tanker truck full of cocktail sauce.

♪ oh, so wonderful ♪

♪ oh, so wonderful-- ♪

♪ lean on me ♪

[cheering and applause]

What the heck's going on here?

That's not how you work a shrinking machine, bunsen.

You gotta set it to maximum beam field width.

Well, what does that mean?

Turn this sucker up.

Oh.

 [screaming]

Well, I guess I might as well sing the medley again.

♪ I'm leaning on the lamppost ♪

♪ on the corner of the street ♪

♪ in case a certain little lady-- ♪

♪ goes away, little girl ♪

Good night, everybody.

♪ goes away, little girl ♪

Hey, honey. Ye. Yeah.

Yeah, we made it through the show.

I'll be home soon.

Hey, clifford.

Yeah, rick?

I had a swell time,

I got you a little something,

And if you don't mind,

I'm gonna keep the cardigan.

Gary, I'll call you next week about the roast.

Beautiful, ricky.

Yeah, thanks, rick.

And thanks for the present.

Hey, baby,

Rick Moranis just left me with a present.

I don't know, clifford.

I think the cooking show

Was a success, don't you think?

Uh-oh. Uh...

I got a small problem here, baby,

But it's a big small problem.

Captioning made possible by the u.S. Department of education

Captioning performed by the nation captioning institute, inc.

That's always the way.

Just when we're getting somewhere,

He has to leave.

I seem to have melded to the naugahyde.

Oh, god, yes.

Now all I have to do is get the deed to your plutonium ranch,

And I, moo-ing, evil emperor of the world lactosia...

What the--

Ok, ok, ok.

And I, moo-ing,

The merciless, evil...

Son of a gun.

...Evil emperor of the vast, uh... Flat...

What the...

[mumbling]

Drat!

Captioning performed by the national captioning institute, inc.

Public performance of captions prohibited without permission of national captioning institute