Episode 206: Nancy Walker/transcript

00:00:09 Nancy Walker, 13 seconds to curtain.

00:00:11 Stand by, Miss Walker.

00:00:12 Are you kidding, standby? I can't even stand up!

00:00:20 It's The Muppet Show with our very special guest star, Miss Nancy Walker.

00:00:25 [Applause]

00:00:38 # Lt's time to play the music Lt's time to light the light

00:00:42 # Lt's time to meet the Muppets on The Muppet Show tonight

00:00:46 # Lt's time to put on makeup Lt's time to dress up right

00:00:50 # Lt's time to get things started

00:00:53 Hurry up, they're starting.

00:00:55 # Lt's time to get things started

00:00:57 # On the most sensational, inspirational

00:00:59 # Celebrational, Muppetational

00:01:01 # This is what we call The Muppet Show! #

00:01:09 [gunshot]

00:01:10 [Gunshot]

00:01:15 But I can't. I don't know what to do.

00:01:17 - He said it was up to you. - [Groans]

00:01:20 Oh, hello. Hiya, hiya, hiya.

00:01:23 Hey, uh... Maybe you can tell that I am not, uh, Kermit the frog.

00:01:28 You see, just moments ago Kermit went home.

00:01:31 He's not feeling very well. Uh, so he left me in charge.

00:01:35 Oh no, did you hear that?

00:01:37 I wonder how sick the frog is?

00:01:40 Well, if he put the bear in charge, he's very sick.

00:01:42 Give me a break, guys, huh?

00:01:45 Uh, look, we'll still have a great time tonight,

00:01:48 because I know exactly what to do.

00:01:54 Uh...

00:01:55 - Talk about Nancy Walker. - Oh yeah, oh yeah.

00:01:58 Uh... [clears throat] Tonight's wonderful guest star

00:02:01 is the very talented lady of song and comedy, Miss Nancy Walker.

00:02:07 - Now what? - Introduce the opening number.

00:02:09 Introduce the... Oh, yeah. Uh, here is the opening number!

00:02:14 - Leave the stage! - Oh, yeah, yeah.

00:02:17 Be gentle, I'm new at this.

00:02:20 [Shouting military commands]

00:02:35 [Yelling gibberish]

00:02:54 [Shouting gibberish]

00:03:25 Oh, for once we got a blast out of something on this show.

00:03:28 Yeah, but how do you dig a foxhole in a theatre box?

00:03:35 Oh, boy. You'll be OK.

00:03:38 Oh, I hope the damage wasn't too bad.

00:03:41 Hey, Fozzie. Kermit's on the phone.

00:03:43 - He wants to talk to you, - Oh, oh, thanks Scooter.

00:03:45 You nervous with all your new responsibility?

00:03:47 Ha! Me, nervous? Are you kidding?

00:03:50 Hello. Hmm? Wha...?

00:03:53 Oh! Oh, hello, Kermit. Oh, hi. Yeah.

00:03:57 Uh, the opening? Oh, great, yeah.

00:04:00 Everybody got a, uh, big bang out of it. Mmm.

00:04:03 Huh? Oh, don't worry about Nancy Walker.

00:04:06 I'll give her a classy introduction.

00:04:08 Sure, sure, sure. Everything's under control.

00:04:11 Hey Fozzie. Fozzie, what's on stage next?

00:04:14 I don't know. What's on stage now?

00:04:16 - Nothing. - Nothing's on stage?!

00:04:20 Nothing out front either. The audience is leaving.

00:04:23 The audience... The aud... The...

00:04:28 Wait, wait, please wait. Oh. Come back, please, everybody!

00:04:32 We have a lot more show left, honest.

00:04:34 [Chattering]

00:04:37 Oh. Oh, thank you. Thank you. Yeah, listen.

00:04:40 You'll love this next part. Yeah.

00:04:43 It's guest star time, ah!

00:04:46 And we have for you the incredibly talented,

00:04:50 unforgettable... The unforgettable...

00:04:55 I forgot!

00:04:57 [Both] Nancy Walker!

00:04:59 Of course!

00:05:01 Here she is, Miss Nancy Walker in...

00:05:05 Wait a minute. I'm in this next sketch.

00:05:07 - Uh, Scooter! - What, what?

00:05:10 - Uh, fill, fill. - Well, what should I say?

00:05:12 Ah, whatever. I gotta go put my costume on.

00:05:15 But, but...

00:05:17 Oh, hi everybody. Uh, uh... Listen.

00:05:20 I'm selling magazine subscriptions to win a skateboard at school,

00:05:23 and, uh, I was wondering if I could interest anybody out there

00:05:26 in 72 issues of Field and Farmer for only five...

00:05:30 All right, Scooter, all right. Enough, I'm ready.

00:05:32 Oh, uh... Well, then, uh...

00:05:35 Then here's Nancy Walker... I guess.

00:05:41 Oh. Hello, and uh, what can I do for you today?

00:05:45 I'd like a menu, some water...

00:05:49 ...and a whip.

00:05:52 Don't worry, his bark is worse than his bite.

00:05:55 If he barks, I'm leaving.

00:05:58 One water coming up.

00:06:10 [Gulps]

00:06:13 Uh... [clears throat] Where's the glass?

00:06:16 - What glass? - "What glass?"

00:06:18 I asked you first.

00:06:21 Uh, look, I put a glass right here.

00:06:25 I'll fess up. I ate it.

00:06:29 It's gonna be one of those days.

00:06:40 [Humming]

00:06:45 Now wait a minute.

00:06:47 - What is going on here? - What's the matter?

00:06:49 What'd you do, break it? Where's the pitcher?

00:06:51 - What pitcher? - "What pitcher?"

00:06:53 - She asked you first. - You stay out of this.

00:06:55 Now look, I know I put a pitcher right here.

00:06:58 Maybe you just think you did.

00:07:00 I don't think, I know.

00:07:03 I don't think you know either.

00:07:06 [Sighs]

00:07:08 Look, all I know is that I put a pitcher

00:07:11 and a second glass of water here.

00:07:13 And now the second glass is gone?!

00:07:16 [Nancy] Do me a favor, just get the menu back here please.

00:07:19 [Fozzie] I didn't take the menu away!

00:07:21 - [Groans] - Listen...

00:07:23 I can understand somebody swiping two glasses and a pitcher,

00:07:27 - but will you tell me two things? - What?!

00:07:29 Who would take a menu,

00:07:31 and why is the air conditioning being turned on in December?

00:07:37 You know what I think?

00:07:39 Mm-hmm. I think you're right.

00:07:41 Come here.

00:07:43 [Whispering]

00:07:47 Worth a try. [Clears throat]

00:07:49 Hey, uh, hand me that tray of stuff there, will you, cook?

00:07:53 [Mock Swedish]

00:07:59 Yeah, yeah, whatever.

00:08:00 [Humming]

00:08:04 Hey, look at the time, I gotta go wax the oven.

00:08:07 Oh. Well, I'd better go paint the garage.

00:08:11 [Glass clattering, breaking]

00:08:16 [Both] Gotcha!

00:08:18 A-ha! You don't think we know what you're doing, huh?

00:08:21 - Yeah! - Yeah, we saw you.

00:08:23 - We know exactly what you're doing! - You bet!

00:08:26 You're hogging the whole place for yourself.

00:08:28 - Give me a bite. - What?!

00:08:30 - You ever tried any of this? - [Gasping]

00:08:34 Mmm. This is good.

00:08:38 Everybody eats.

00:08:40 Yeah, boy, that Nancy Walker's a great actress, isn't she?

00:08:43 Yeah, but I wouldn't want to take her to dinner.

00:08:48 Hey Kermit, Fozzie's really doing a terrific job with the show tonight.

00:08:52 Oh, the opening number was sensational.

00:08:55 Oh, those holes in the theatre will be easy to fix.

00:08:58 And you should have seen the way he got the audience to come back

00:09:02 - after they started to leave. - Hey, Gonzo!

00:09:04 What are you doing to me?

00:09:06 I was only trying to tell Kermit what a great job you're doing.

00:09:09 I'll tell him. I'll tell him!

00:09:10 - Give me the phone! - All right!

00:09:12 All right! All right, At The Dance everybody.

00:09:15 Oh, hi, Kermit. Listen, I got to make an introduction.

00:09:18 I'll be right back and explain everything. Oh, boy!

00:09:22 Oh.

00:09:24 Hello, Kermie, is that you?

00:09:27 Oh, Kermie, I was just going to call you.

00:09:31 Yes. I'm dedicating the Veterinarian's Hospital sketch to you.

00:09:36 [Kisses] Love of my life. Au revoir.

00:09:39 Hey, Piggy, we can't do the hospital sketch.

00:09:42 Fozzie just introduced At The Dance.

00:09:45 - At The Dance? - Mm-hmm.

00:09:47 I promised Kermit the hospital sketch.

00:09:49 And that is what we're going to do!

00:09:53 OK, but we better get out there. The sketch is starting.

00:09:57 [Announcer] And now, Veterinarian's Hospital,

00:10:00 the continuing story of a quack who has gone to the dogs.

00:10:06 Dr. Bob, what is this man suffering from?

00:10:09 Uh... I don't know, maybe it's rumbatism.

00:10:16 Oh. Do you come here often?

00:10:19 Mmm, only to have my appendix out.

00:10:24 Wow, Dr. Bob, there are dancers in this operating room.

00:10:28 What should we do?

00:10:30 What else? The foxtrot.

00:10:33 Dr. Bob! This is an operating room.

00:10:36 We've got to be serious now.

00:10:38 Why? We've never been serious before.

00:10:42 - Are you the doctor? - That's what I tell people.

00:10:46 Well, would you remove a large growth from my toe?

00:10:48 - Sure, what is it? - Him.

00:10:51 [All laughing]

00:10:54 Hey, by the way. How come we're dancing in an operating room?

00:10:58 Because. Although the song will soon be over,

00:11:01 the malady lingers on.

00:11:07 [Announcer] And so, Dr. Bob has gone to the dance.

00:11:10 Tune in next week and hear Miss Piggy say...

00:11:13 This sketch is a disaster, Dr. Bob. What should we do?

00:11:17 What else? A big finish.

00:11:19 - [Screaming] - [Clattering]

00:11:22 Oh, I don't believe that.

00:11:25 Oh, Scooter, the show is falling apart.

00:11:28 I practically blow up the theatre, then the audience starts to leave,

00:11:32 and now two sketches go on at the same time.

00:11:36 - Oh, boy. - Way to go, bear!

00:11:38 [Groans] Oh, Scooter, what else can go wrong?

00:11:41 Well, the crew's talking about quitting.

00:11:43 What?

00:11:44 You know, the stage hand, the prop man, the lighting man.

00:11:47 I think you'd better talk to them.

00:11:49 Well, all right. Who do you think I should talk to first?

00:11:53 Maybe you better start with the lighting man.

00:11:55 I think you're right. Harvey!

00:11:58 - Aaah! - [Clattering]

00:12:01 [Applause]

00:12:04 [# My Old Dutch]

00:13:55 [Both sobbing]

00:14:03 [Chirping]

00:14:14 - [Whistling] - [Chirping]

00:14:27 [Clucking]

00:14:36 [Cooing]

00:14:46 [Calling]

00:14:55 [Quacking]

00:15:05 [Screeching]

00:15:07 [All harmonizing]

00:15:36 [Clamoring]

00:15:55 Hey, I just wanna tell you, I know the show has been a little shaky,

00:16:00 but I've got everything under control now, Miss Walker.

00:16:03 - Miss who? - Oh, Walker, isn't that right?

00:16:06 Oh, yeah. Come on, I was only kidding.

00:16:10 - Anyway, the show isn't that bad. - It isn't?

00:16:13 No, I mean look, the audience liked it. They all came back, they stayed.

00:16:17 Yeah.

00:16:19 Very clever of you to lock the doors.

00:16:21 [Sighs] That's cruelty to bears.

00:16:24 Listen, as for the, uh, sketches being done at the same time.

00:16:28 Do you know how many times I've seen that done?

00:16:31 How many? How many?

00:16:33 Never!

00:16:35 You know what I do when things don't go right?

00:16:38 No.

00:16:40 [# Pick Yourself Up]

00:16:56 Yeah, but...

00:17:20 [kisses]

00:17:22 Oh, oh, thank you, thank you, Miss Walker.

00:17:26 I feel terrific now.

00:17:28 - Well, I'm glad you're happy. - Yeah.

00:17:30 - But listen. - Hmm?

00:17:32 That's just a song. Your show's in a lot of trouble.

00:17:39 [Trumpets playing]

00:17:45 [Clears throat]

00:17:46 I would just like to say a few words

00:17:50 about nudity in the world today.

00:17:55 And I, for one, am just appalled by it.

00:18:00 Why, did you know that underneath their clothing,

00:18:04 the entire population of the world is walking around

00:18:09 completely naked?!

00:18:12 Hmm? Is that disgusting?

00:18:15 And it's not just people, although, goodness knows, that's bad enough.

00:18:20 But animals too.

00:18:21 Even cute little doggies and pussycats can't be trusted.

00:18:26 Underneath their fur, absolutely naked!

00:18:30 [Grunts] And it's not just the quadrupeds either!

00:18:34 Birds, too! Yes. Beneath those fine feathers, birds wear nothing.

00:18:39 Nothing at all! Abs...

00:18:50 Well, how do you feel about nudity?

00:18:53 Well, personally, it always left me cold.

00:18:59 Miss Walker, I was wondering if I could borrow your hairbrush.

00:19:02 - Of course, sweetheart, come in. - Oh, thank you so much.

00:19:05 You know, I certainly do appreciate this, Miss Walker.

00:19:09 Oh, just call me Nancy.

00:19:11 Oh, I knew it. I just knew you'd be nice.

00:19:14 Why? 'Cause I let you use my hairbrush? Big deal.

00:19:17 No, no, because of those parts you play on television.

00:19:20 I just knew you'd be an overly considerate,

00:19:23 protective, mother-type person.

00:19:25 - I just knew it. - Uh, well, I'll tell you the truth,

00:19:28 I'm no more protective of people than anybody else.

00:19:31 I mean, that mother thing is an act.

00:19:33 - Oh? - [Phone rings]

00:19:36 - Hi. Oh, hello, Kermit. - Oh, Kermie, my Kermie. He's sick.

00:19:40 You're sick? Oh. Well, listen Kermit, here's what I want you to do.

00:19:44 I want you to drink lots of liquids. No, don't eat anything.

00:19:48 Starve a fever, feed a cold, right?

00:19:49 Get into bed, turn the electric blanket way up high,

00:19:53 and I'll be right over with some chicken soup.

00:19:55 Listen what have you got? Flu? What kind?

00:19:59 - Oh, dear. - No kidding, that's the worst.

00:20:02 - Oh, no. - He's got swine flu.

00:20:06 Swine flu?!

00:20:08 Take... Take this, frog!

00:20:10 - Hiyah! - [Clattering]

00:20:16 I think we have kind of a bad connection here.

00:20:19 [Miss Piggy shouts]

00:20:22 [Groans]

00:20:23 Hey Fozzie, it's time to introduce Nancy Walker's musical number.

00:20:27 Oh, Scooter, you do it. I can't go out on stage again.

00:20:30 I'm too ashamed. Everything's gone wrong.

00:20:32 Well, maybe this will cheer you up.

00:20:34 - Why, what is this, what is this? - Well, just read it.

00:20:37 Oh, all right. "Dear Fozzie, I just want to tell you

00:20:40 what a pleasure it was to work with you on your show.

00:20:43 You're really terrific.

00:20:46 The frog's been holding you back.

00:20:49 Nancy Walker."

00:20:51 - Ahh. - You ready to do the introduction now?

00:20:54 Oh, I sure am. I feel great. [Kisses]

00:20:57 There. You can read it if you want to.

00:21:01 I don't have to read it. I wrote it.

00:21:05 Hey, and now, ladies and gentlemen,

00:21:08 I take great pride in presenting our wonderful guest star...

00:21:12 Psst, Fozzie, don't forget her name this time.

00:21:15 - Gonzo, I will not forget her name. - It's Nancy Walker.

00:21:18 - I know it's Nancy Walker. - That's "Nancy". Rhymes with "fancy."

00:21:22 - I know, I know. - "Walker," rhymes with "talker."

00:21:25 Gonzo, I have it.

00:21:26 And it's "Nancy Walker," not "Fancy Talker."

00:21:30 Gonzo, I know the guest star's name is Nancy Walker.

00:21:33 I remember Nancy Walker. I will not forget the name.

00:21:37 OK.

00:21:40 - You forgot to introduce her. - Aaaah!

00:21:44 [# They Can't Take That Away From Me]

00:23:55 Uh, yeah, well everybody, I mean, what can I say?

00:23:58 Uh, you know, it's not been much of a show,

00:24:01 and, uh, you've probably had a lousy time.

00:24:03 - And Kermit will probably fire me. - You're fired.

00:24:08 Kermit, what are you doing here?

00:24:11 Well, I figured Nancy Walker deserved at least one decent introduction.

00:24:14 Oh, Kermit, I'm so glad to see you. [Kissing]

00:24:19 OK, OK, OK, you're hired again.

00:24:22 - Ahh. - Let me just do the introduction.

00:24:24 Ladies and gentlemen, a big round of applause for Miss Nancy... [sneezes]

00:24:28 Ah! You blew it too. It's Nancy Walker!

00:24:31 - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - [Applause and whistles]

00:24:34 Listen, Kermit. Don't worry about a thing.

00:24:37 - I had a wonderful time. - Oh, yeah?

00:24:39 It was nice working with what's his name... the bear.

00:24:43 OK, we'll see you all next time on... [sneezes]

00:24:47 Ah, goodbye everybody. Yeah.

00:25:24 - Wonderful, I loved it. - Who was your favorite?

00:25:26 - Who else? The frog. - Mmm.