Episode 306: Jean Stapleton/transcript

Cold open

[knocking on door]

Scooter: Jean Stapleton, 30 seconds to curtain, Miss Stapleton.

Jean: Thank you.

Two headed girl: - Good luck, Miss Stapleton. - Good luck, Miss Stapleton.

Jean: (shaking one hand) Thank you. (shaking the other hand) Thank you.

Jean: There's just one thing I've got to remember. (puts her hands on the desk) I -- am -- normal.

[gasps, realizes she has three hands] Jean, get a grip on yourself.

[ one hand grabs her throat, she struggles ] Oh, no, I didn't mean that! No, please!

Theme

[drum roll]

Kermit: It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Miss Jean Stapleton! Yay!

[cheering and applause]

Theme song: It's time to play the music It's time to light the lights It's time to meet the Muppets on The Muppet Show tonight It's time to put on makeup It's time to dress up right It's time to get things started Why don't you get things started?

Waldorf: Think we'll be entertained tonight?

Statler: I will. I brought a book.

It's time to get things started On the most sensational, inspirational Celebrational, Muppetational This is what we call The Muppet Show

[Gonzo's about to blow his trumpet, but Kermit blasts a trumpet directly behind him]

Gonzo: [gasps]

Opening

[applause]

Kermit: Thank you, thank you, and welcome again to The Muppet Show -- the show that they said would never get off the ground. [looks down] Uh, they were right. But we are indeed fortunate to have with us as our special guest, a wonderful actress and television star, Miss Jean Stapleton.

Fozzie: Uh, Kermit, excuse me, excuse me. Listen.

Kermit: What is it, Fozzie?

Fozzie: I gotta tell you what happened.

Kermit: Mm-hmm.

Fozzie: When we were booking Jean for the show, I was expecting a call from my tailor.

Kermit: Your tailor?

Fozzie: Yeah, yeah.

Kermit: Mm-hmm.

Fozzie: So, when a guy phoned and asked me if I'd like Jean Stapleton, I said that I don't wear jeans, and I certainly wouldn't want them stapled on. [nobody laughs] Stapleton. [nothing] Jeans. [nobody laughs. Fozzie wiggles his ears.] Ears. [groans. to Kermit:] Help me. [covers his face] Is it too late to go into hibernation?

Kermit: Yes, by about two minutes.

Fozzie: Gotcha. [waves and exits]

Kermit: Well, we'd like to get the show off to a great start, but having failed that, let's head for the border!

Tico Tico

Annie Sue: Tico Tico, tick Tico Tico, tock Tico Tico, he's the cuckoo in my clock And when he says cuckoo! He means it's time to woo It's Tico time for all the lovers on the block I've got a heavy date A tête-à-tête at eight So speak, oh, Tico, tell me, is it getting late If I'm on time, cuckoo But if I'm late, woo woo The one my heart has gone to may not want to wait

Pigs: For just a birdie, and a birdie who goes nowhere

Annie Sue: He knows of every lover's lane, and how to go there

Pigs: For in affairs of the heart, the Tico's terribly smart

Annie Sue: He tells me, "Gently, sentimentally at the start!"

Pigs: Oh, we hear the little Tico Tico calling, Because the time is right, and shades of night are falling

Annie Sue: I love that not-so-cuckoo cuckoo in the clock!

Pigs: Tico Tico Tico Tico Tico Tock

[all trilling, shouting. The pigs toss Annie Sue up and down on a blanket. A pig with a camera stops to take a picture. A soldier with a gun pokes him to move on. The pig with the camera takes a picture of the soldier.]

Pigs: For just a birdie, and a birdie who goes nowhere

Annie Sue: He knows of evey lover's lane, and how to go there

Pigs: For in affairs of the heart, the Tico's terribly smart

Annie Sue: He tells me, "Gently, sentimentally at the start!"

Pigs: Oh, we hear the little Tico Tico calling, Because the time is right, and shades of night are falling

Annie Sue: I love that not-so-cuckoo cuckoo in the clock!

Pigs: She loves that not-so-cuckoo cuckoo in the clock! Tico Tico Tico Tico Tico Tock! Tick, tock!

[all cheering]

Waldorf: Am I crazy, or was that good?

Statler: You're crazy.

Waldorf: I thought so.

Backstage

Kermit: Okay, nice number.

[Annie Sue and the pigs go by.]

Pig: Tico Tico! [takes a picture of Kermit]

Kermit: No pictures backstage! Out, out!

[The pigs exit.]

[Gonzo approaches, wearing a Mexican sombrero.]

Gonzo: Buenos dias, Señor Kermit.

Kermit: Ah, Gonzo -- you weren't in that last number, were you?

Gonzo: No, I'm learning Spanish for my new act.

Kermit: [losing interest, looking at his notes] Oh, okay.

Gonzo: Yeah, you see, you have to learn Spanish if you're gonna train Mexican jumping beans.

Kermit: Uh, makes sense.

Gonzo: Gracias. I'm gonna go rehearse now.

Kermit: Great. Adios!

Gonzo: What?

Kermit: Uh, goodbye.

Gonzo: Ah. Goodbye. Adios. Whatever.

[Gonzo exits.]

[Crazy Harry walks by, snickering. Kermit looks after him.]

[Gonzo rushes back in, holding a plate.]

Gonzo: Kermit! Look! They're gone! My Mexican jumping beans were in this dish, and they're gone!

Kermit: Uh, well, maybe, uh, somebody ate them.

Gonzo: Ate my stars? Kermit! It wasn't you, was it?

Kermit: Uh, no, Gonzo, it wasn't me.

Gonzo: I know how to find out.

[Animal enters]

Gonzo: All l have to do is say "Arriba".

[Twang! Animal jumps.]

Animal: Ah!

Gonzo: Arriba!

Animal: [twang] Ah!

Gonzo: Arriba!

Animal: [twang] Ah!

Gonzo: Animal!

Animal: What?

Gonzo: Come back here!

Animal: Ha, ha ha!

Gonzo: You ate my stars!

[Animal exits, pursued by Gonzo. They return, in the other direction.]

Kermit: Animal, you gotta get on stage for the band!

[They return, now Gonzo is being chased by Animal.]

Gonzo: Animal! What? What's going on?

Animal: Arriba! [twang!] Arriba! [twang!]

[Kermit and Animal exit.]

Gonzo: [sighs] I hope he doesn't eat my waltzing walnuts.

[Gonzo smashes his plate on the floor.]

Musical number

Kermit : And now, ladies and gentlemen, it's time for our special guest star, comedian, actress, singer and very nice lady, Miss Jean Stapleton.

[band plays orchestral music]

Jean : Uh, gentlemen, lady...

- What? Floyd Pepper : What seems to be the problem, Jean?

Jean : Well, uh, that music, it doesn't seem to be the right music. May l see it, please? Rowlf : It seems normal to me.

Floyd : Yeah, just your ordinay, very elaborate pretentious orchestration. What's it called?

Jean : Elaborate Pretensions for Orchestras. Uh, couldn't we just do that nice, simple piece?

Floyd : Well, how about a nice, simple Latin American riff?

- [hums a tune] - Animal : Arriba!

Floyd : No Latin stuff tonight. Jean : No. No, thank you. lt's that sweet, simple duet that l rehearsed with Fozzie. Where is Fozzie? l know how that one goes.

Rowlf : It goes like this... - [piano plays]

Jean : Oh, yes. Thank you. That's it.

[# Play a Simple Melody]


 * 1) Won't you play


 * 1) A simple melody


 * 1) Like my mother


 * 1) Sang to me


 * 1) One with good old-fashioned


 * 1) Harmony


 * 1) Play a simple


 * 1) Melody

Jean : Fozzie? Fozzie?

Fozzie : Here l am, Jean.

Jean : You forgot something. Fozzie : Oh, l never forget.

Jean : Where's your ukulele? Fozzie : Oh, l forgot!

Jean : You're a dingbat.

Fozzie : l was only kidding.

Go!

Set your honey a-dreamin'
 * 1) Musical demon


 * 1) Won't you play me some rag


 * 1) Just change that classical nag


 * 1) To some sweet beautiful drag


 * 1) If you will play from a copy


 * 1) Of a tune that is choppy


 * 1) You'll get all my applause


 * 1) And that is simply because


 * 1) l want to listen to rag

Set your honey a-dreamin'
 * 1) Musical demon

- # Won't you play me some rag - # Play a simple melody

- # Just change that classical nag - # Like my mother

- # To some sweet beautiful drag - # Sang to me

- # If you will play from a copy - # One with

- # Of a tune that is choppy - # Good old-fashioned

- # You'll get all my applause - # Harmony

- # And that is simply because - # Play a simple

- # l want to listen to rag - # Melody

Come on, eveybody! Sing!

Set your honey a-dreamin'
 * 1) Musical demon

- # Won't you play me some rag - # Play a simple melody

- # Just change that classical nag - # Like my mother

- # To some sweet beautiful drag - # Sang to me

- # If you will play from a copy - # One with

- # Of a tune that is choppy - # Good old-fashioned

- # You'll get all my applause - # Harmony

- # And that is simply because - # Play a simple

- # l want to listen to rag - # Melody

- Now you! - # l want to listen to rag

Me!
 * 1) l want to listen to rag

- Now eveyone! - # l want to listen to rag #

Statler : Boy, that number was something else! Waldorf :You mean it was good? Statler : No, it was something else.

OK, 13 and 75...

Sandwich! Here's your sandwich, frog!

- Gladys, l didn't order a sandwich. - What?!

Look, somebody ordered a sandwich from the canteen. Now who was it?

l don't know. You'll have to ask around.

l'm too busy. You do it.

Gladys, l'm tying to put on a show.

Well, big deal!

Look, l got a full grill downstairs.

Got six burgers on, couple of steaks and mo lobsters.

Lobsters? Since when are they on the menu?

They're not on the menu. The lobsters ordered the steak!

Why don't you iust leave the sandwich?

- It ain't been paid for yet. - Well, you can charge it to the show.

- Are you nuts? - Take it back, sell it to someone else!

Who's gonna buy a walnut lima bean sandwich?

[groans] Walnut and lima bean, is that what it is?

- Yeah. - Gonzo, your lunch is here!

[unintelligible]

- Take it back. - What's the matter with it?

You forgot the ielly.

Show business!

[music plays]

Oh, l'm so happy.

Why is that?

Because we're out together dancing cheek to cheek to cheek.

Hey, waiter, can you break a ten?

Certainly.

Don't mention it.

l wish l hadn't.

Oh, l see you don't have much to say.

- l don't understand that. - You have to think about it.

Wait a minute! You've got a fish sticking out of your ear.

Yes, it's my herring aid.

- Transistorized? - No, marinated.

l see you still don't have much to say.

Um, l've thought about it. l still don't understand it.

Oh, Laticia, l love you.

Say, are you pulling my leg?

No, why?

lt iust dropped off.

l don't get that either.

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

l would now like to sing a vey pre_ little song

accompanied by my doggy friend.

[# Daddy Wouldn't Buy Me a Bow Wow]


 * 1) l love my little cat, l do


 * 1) It's coat is, oh, so warm

with me to school
 * 1) It comes each day


 * 1) And sits upon the form

''Why do you bring
 * 1) When teacher says


 * 1) That little pet of yours?''


 * 1) l tell her that l bring my cat


 * 1) Along with me because


 * 1) Daddy wouldn't buy me a bow wow


 * 1) Bow wow


 * 1) Daddy wouldn't buy me a bow wow


 * 1) Bow wow

And l'm vey fond ofthat
 * 1) l've got a little cat

Wow, wow, wow, wow
 * 1) But l'd rather have a bow wow

l can't go on. It's humiliating to be called a bow wow.

- But it's only a song, Rowlf. - l refuse to do it, Miss Oink Oink.

- Sing, flea bag. - Uh, yes sir.


 * 1) l'll be so glad when l get old


 * 1) To do just as l please


 * 1) l'll have a dozen bow wows then


 * 1) A parrot and some bees


 * 1) Whene'er l see a little pet


 * 1) l'll kiss the tiny thing


 * 1) 'Twill remind me of the time gone by


 * 1) When l would cy and sing


 * 1) Daddy wouldn't buy me a bow wow

Bark bark.


 * 1) Daddy wouldn't buy me a bow wow

- Meow. - # l've got a little cat


 * 1) l am vey fond of that

Wow, wow, wow, wow
 * 1) But l'd rather have a bow wow

- # Daddy wouldn't buy me a bow wow - Oink oink.

- # Daddy wouldn't buy me a bow wow - Bow wow.

l am vey fond ofthat
 * 1) l've got a little cat


 * 1) But l'd rather have a bow wow wow #

Uh, Miss Stapleton,

l hope you are surviving your ordeal on this unsavoy program.

- Oh. [chuckles] - l mean, you obviously are a woman

whose taste is impeccable.

- Oh, thank you, but l'm enjoying it. - Hmm.

l'm having a lot of fun. l guess that means my taste is, um...

...peckable.

Peckable. [muttering]

Oh, speaking of language, can l ask you a question about the Swedish Chef?

The Swedish Chef? [scoffs] What about him?

Well, you all know around here that he doesn't speak real Swedish?

- He what?! - No, he doesn't.

He... Uh, send in the Chef!

Send in the Chef! Imagine.

All these years, you mean he has been speaking mock Swedish?

Don't be too hard on him.

- Well, l have never... Where is he? - [mock Swedish]

Oh. He said he got here as soon as he could.

Well... Well, you tell him that from now...

How do you know what he said?

Oh, l took a correspondence course once in mock Swedish.

[speaking mock Swedish]

- Oh, he admits the whole thing. - Mmm.

- He says he doesn't speak real Swedish. - Hmm.

Well, you tell him that this must end.

He must stop speaking mock Swedish,

and speak honestly and normally.

Oh, all right.

- [mock Swedish] - Well...

[speaking mock Swedish]

- __. - What?

He admits the error of his ways.

And he says from now on he'll speak only in his native tongue.

- Mmm. Good. - [speaks mock Japanese]

What, uh, what did he say?

[laughs] Oh, l don't know.

l don't speak mock Japanese.

Wayne, Deadly and Annie Sue on stage for the melodrama.

- [growls] - Miss Piggy, what are you doing here?

You're not even in the melodrama.

Mm-hmm. You are not the first to notice.

But Miss Piggy, l never even thought of putting you in the melodrama.

l thought of putting you in the hospital.

Uh, yeah, but see you wouldn't want to be in the melodrama, it's a small part.

- How small? - It's a vey small part,

and l can't give a vey small part like that to a big star like you.

Oh, well, hmm... l see your point.

Yeah, so l thought l'd give it to Annie Sue.

- She needs experience. - She needs talent.

Oh, Mr. Kermit, sir, please don't make me do the melodrama.

[stammers] But it's your first chance at a dramatic role.

l know, but l'm too scared.

Oh, Annie Sue, you'll be just fine, really.

All right, break! Give it a rest, frog!

- [stammers] - Excuse us.

Kermie, it is obvious that the child is unprofessional.

Annie Sue, go to your room.

[sobbing]

Oh, brother.

- [stammers] But... - l will save the show, Kermie.

The part shall be played by moi.

Uh... by you, Miss Piggy?

Yes.

OK. Hey, guys, tie Piggy to the railroad tracks.

- [indistinct chatter] - [shouting]

[piano music]

- [whimpering] - [evil cackle]

Now, for the last time, will you mary me?

[audience boos and hisses]

For the last time, never, you scoundrel!

Oh, where is my hero?

Never fear, my pet, l will save you.

- [cheering] - My hero!

Wayne?

Curses, foiled again.

- Isn't this a double-overhand knot? - Yes, it is.

l haven't seen those since l left the Junior Swamp Scouts.

You were in the Junior Swamp Scouts, too?

- Troop 37. - Troop 37?

Junior Swamp Scouts never blue.

A Junior Swamp Scout's always true.

Always ready to save the day.

[both] We're Junior Swamp Scouts. Hooray, hooray!

- l don't believe this. - Uh-oh!

You got the double sheep's head wrong.

- It goes like this. - You'll suffer for this, guys.

Remember? The rabbit runs around the tree mice,

and then goes in his hole.

- Oh! Now l get it. - Who cares?

- There. She'll never get out of that. - Hey.

- You remember... - Hey, guys! Hey!

Hey... Oh, that does it!

[grunting]

Where's that frog?

Where's that frog?

Kermit? Kermit, of all the lousy cheap shots you ever pulled on me...

l know, Miss Piggy. l'm sory.

l didn't realize that whole sketch was going to get that far out of hand.

- Oh, please forgive me. - [shouts]

You're forgiven.

- Whoa! - Wardrobe!

- [sighs] - Dr. Bunsen Honeydew

here at Muppet Labs, where the future is being made today.

[squeaks]

Many people suffer the embarrassment of being ridiculously tall and spindly.

- Isn't that right, Beaker? - [muttering]

But now comes the Honeydew shrinking pill.

- [clears throat] Take one, Beaker. - Hmm.

Not the whole bottle!

- [Beaker whimpers] - Oh dear.

Well, l guess that's all for today from Muppet Labs.

Whoa!

OK, strike the Muppet Lab set, please.

Kermit, could l see you for a minute?

- Oh, sure, Jean. - About this next number,

l really would rather not do it.

You mean the number with the pigs dressed as pirates

and the chickens playing bagpipes and you dancing with a seven foot doorknob?

lt's iust one cliché after another.

l... l see what you mean.

l'll tell you what l'd really like to do.

- What's that? - Another duet

- with my favorite Muppet. - Ah, well, that's vey nice.

- That's a delightFul idea. - Oh, good, good.

Now where's Crazy Hary?

Crazy Hary? That's suicidal.

- [crazy laugh] - There you are, you cute thing.

Jean, l don't know what you're planning to do

- but whatever it is, it is not safe. - Oh, no, this is a wonderFul idea.

lt's a musical number.

- A musical number? - Yes, yes.

Well... l guess as long as it's musical, it's OK.

Oh! You darling!

- Now listen, is the boiler set up? - It's beautiful.

- Oh, great. Go ahead, get ready. - The boiler?

l'll get up the steam.

l didn't know Crazy Hary played a musical instrument.

- Oh, yes. - Which one?

The explodaphone.

Explodaphone? Jean, you could get killed!

Oh, Kermit, listen. l'm not new to this business.

l've been all over the world.

You might be again.

Listen, don't wory. You're gonna love it.

[stammers] Well, l may not love it, but l'll introduce it.

- [band plays fanfare] - Uh, and now, once again,

here she is, taking her life into her own hands

and throwing it away,

ladies and gentlemen, Miss Jean Stapleton.

[# l'm Just Wild About Hary]


 * 1) l'mjust wild about Hary

Oh!


 * 1) And Hary's wild about me


 * 1) The heavenly blisses of his kisses


 * 1) Fill me with ecstasy

Oh!


 * 1) He's sweetjust like chocolate candy


 * 1) And just like honey from the bee

Whoo-hoo!


 * Oh, l'mjust wild about Hary


 * 1) And he'sjust wild about


 * 1) Oh! He cannot do without


 * 1) He's just wild about me


 * 1) He's sweetjust like chocolate candy


 * 1) And sweet as honey from the bee


 * Oh, l'mjust wild about Hary


 * 1) And Hary's wild about


 * 1) Cannot do without


 * 1) Hary's wild about


 * 1) Me #

Thank you! Well, those of you with nervous dispositions

will be vey happy to know that we have reached the end of rhe Muppet Show.

But, before we go, Iet us have a warm thank you

for our courageous guest star. Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Jean Stapleton. Yay!

Thank you, Kermit. l really got a kick out of it.

Did someone say Kick out of it?

- [all shout] - [crazy laugh]

Hary, you're not supposed to set those off if somebody says just anything.

Did someone say Just anything?

- Oh, help. Good night. - Did someone say Help, good night?

No!

- l liked that last number. - What did you like about it?

lt was the last number.