Episode 121: Twiggy/transcript

It's The Muppet Show, with our

very special guest star Twiggy!

It's time to play the music

It's time to light the lights

It's time to meet the Muppets

on The Muppet Show tonight

It's time to put on makeup

It's time to dress up right

It's time to raise the curtain

on The Muppet Show tonight

Hey, I went to a resort

hoteI for a change and a rest,

The waiter got the change and

the hoteI got the rest, Agh!

To introduce our guest star

That's what I'm here to do

So it really makes me happy

To introduce to you

Twiggy!

But now let's get things started

on the most sensationaI, inspirationaI

CelebrationaI, MuppetationaI

This is what we call

The Muppet Show

Thank you, thank you, thank you,

Good evening, gang, and welcome

to the show, And what a show it is,

'cause tonight our special

guest is a beautifuI young lady

whose face is known the world over,

She only has one name,

but many talents -

the one and only Twiggy, We'll

be meeting her in a few minutes,

but right now let's get things

swinging on The Muppet Show.

One, two

- # One, two, three

- # Whoo

Whoo

Whoo

Dance

Dance

- # I gotta shake my shoulders

- # Dance

- # I gotta move my bones, yeah

- # Dance

- # I gotta keep on grooving

- # Dance

As long as my motor runs

I can jump, stomp my feet

Uh, uh, uh

Blame it on the rhythm

Let me hear the beat

'Cause I get loose

Let out my juice

When I dance

Ã¢â?¢Âª Dance

Ã¢â?¢Âª Whoo

Whoo

Oh, dance

- # I gotta shake my shoulders

- # Dance

- # I gotta move my bones, yeah

- # Dance

- # I gotta keep on grooving

- # Dance

As long as my motor runs

Something where Don't be square

Uh, uh, uh

Keep on grooving

now It's your best bet

If you must

Rose Mary's angeI dust

Will make you dance

Ooh

Dance

Ooh

Ooh

Dance

Was that a great number?

- I don't know, I slept through it,

Me too, That's why I asked,

OK, Very nice, Very nice,

You guys have come a long way

since you were feather dusters,

Thank you, I enjoyed it

ever so much, really I did,

Kermit, Kermit,

Call me kooky, call me crazy, but I think

there's a Phantom of The Muppet Show.

You're kooky, You're crazy,

- No, I'm serious,

I was just up in the

stars' dressing room

and I saw the most ghoulish,

fiendish-looking face in the closet,

That was me, clown, I was

hanging up the wardrobe,

No, no, no, After you left,

Listen, Kermit, I'm serious, There's

something here that should be looked into,

Yes, your head,

Phantom of The Muppet

Show!

Look, Scooter, we're kinda busy right

now, but we'll keep our eyes open,

I mean, seriously, I think you've

been using your imagination too much,

If there's a Phantom of The

Muppet Show, I'm a monkey's uncle,

Help! There's a phantom

in the dressing room!

Anybody got a banana?

Right now I'd like to

introduce the lovely Leafy,

Barky, No, Branchy, Uh

Twiggy,

Do I get credit for being close?

Hello, everyone, I'd like to thank

you all for coming here today,

You're welcome,

- I really love press conferences,

but I will try and answer any

questions that you might have,

I have a question, I have a question,

- Yes?

Miss Twiggy, how is it that a beautifuI

girI like you only has one nose?

Eh? Um

Well, I mean, that's usuaI, isn't it?

Oh, yeah, So I noticed,

Twiggy Wait a minute,

- Twiggy! Twiggy!

I have a I have a serious question, Who

are the most important people in your life?

Yeah, and what about the places?

- Oh, yeah, That would be interesting,

There are places I remember

All my life

Though some have changed

Some forever, not for better

Some have gone and some remain

All these places had their moments

With lovers and friends

I still can recall

Some are dead and some are living

In my life

I've loved them all

Though I know I'll

never lose affection

For places and things

I still can recall

And I know I'll often

stop and think about them

In my life

I've loved them all

Uh, Twiggy makes my heart sing,

Oh, well, let me hear,

- Hm?

Nice song, but your

pacemaker needs tuning,

Argh!

Don't do that, Don't you

know that this is serious?

Everybody here is scared of

the Phantom of The Muppet Show.

Kermit, you've got to do something,

- Yeah, Fozzie's right,

I just saw the most terrifying face

peering out from behind the sewing machine,

Oh, that was me again, you nitwit,

- No, it was after you left,

Oh, scaredy-cats,

- Scaredy-cats?!

I'll have you know

Listen to me, This is ridiculous, You've

gotta keep your head on your shoulders,

That's better,

Oh, sure, sure, You

can joke all you want,

but there is something

funny going on around here,

Fine, But there better be

something funny going on out there,

Come on, move it, move it,

- All right, Go, go, go!

Phantom of The Muppet Show.

Ah, what fools these Muppets be,

Right now the ever-popular

Wayne and Wanda,

and their version of that great oldie,

"Let It Snow, Let It

Snow, Let It Snow,"

Oh, let it work, let

it work, let it work,

Oh, the weather outside is frightfuI

But the fire is so delightfuI

But if you've no place to go

Let it snow, let it snow, let it

Funny, funny! Ha!

Ow! Oh, my nose,

Thank you,

Hello, you two,

- Oh, hi, Twiggy,

Hey, Muppy and I here were hoping

you'd tell us a little bedtime story,

Oh, I'd love to, but what

would you like to hear?

Well, Muppy here really

likes the poems of AA Milne,

You wouldn't know one, would you?

- Know one? I've rehearsed one,

It's called "The King's Breakfast,"

The king asked the queen and

the queen asked the dairymaid

Could we have some butter

for the royaI slice of bread?

The queen asked the dairymaid,

The dairymaid said, "Certainly,"

"I'll go and see the cow

now before she goes to bed,"

The dairymaid she curtsied,

and went to see the Alderney,

"Don't forget the butter for

the royaI slice of bread,"

The Alderney said sleepily

You'd better tell His Majesty

that many people nowadays

like marmalade instead,

The dairymaid said, "Fancy!"

and went to Her Majesty,

She curtsied to the queen

and she turned a little red,

"Excuse me, Your Majesty,

for taking of the liberty,

but marmalade is tasty if

it's very thickly spread,"

The queen said

- Oh,

and went to His Majesty,

Talking of the butter for

the royaI slice of bread,

many people think that

marmalade is nicer,

Would you like to try a

little marmalade instead?

The king said

- Bother,

And then he said

- Oh, deary me,

The king sobbed

- Oh, deary me,

and went back to bed,

Nobody

- He whimpered

could call me a fussy man,

I only want a little bit

of butter for my bread,

The queen said

- There, there,

and then she went to the dairymaid,

The dairymaid said, "There,

there," and went to the shed,

The cow said

- Oh, there, there,

I didn't really mean it,

Here's milk for his porringer

and butter for his bread,

The queen took the butter

and brought it to His Majesty,

The king said

- Butter, eh?

and bounced out of bed,

Nobody

- He said, as he kissed her tenderly,

Nobody

- He said, as he slid down the banisters,

Nobody, my darling,

could call me a fussy man,

but I do like a little

bit of butter to my bread,

That was wonderfuI,

Oh, honey, at our wedding,

who's going to be the best man?

My brother,

- Oh, Maybe I should marry him,

Hey, hey, you said I

could lead this time,

OK, OK, but I thought you

promised to wear the pink taffeta,

Oh, so I lied,

What's the difference

between immoraI and illegaI?

Well, immoraI is,

uh, doing bad things,

IllegaI is me with a tummy ache,

I didn't write it,

Hey, thank you for letting

me have this dance with you,

What did you say your name was?

- Mary Louise, One, two, three, dip,

Argh!

Yeah, so, I've

recorded three record albums

and they're really great,

but they haven't sold,

What do you sing? Rock?

No, lullabies,

One, two, three, dip,

One, two, three, twirI,

Cute cute dance step,

Phew,

Ooh,

Sorry about that,

Hello. I am Vendaface,

the world's first fully

automatic psychiatric machine.

Simply insert coin in slot,

step up to machine, and I will

tell you what your problem is.

Oh, yes, yes, yes,

Please insert another coin.

Please insert another coin.

OK, OK, Now, what is my problem?

You are much too generous.

Gah!

What do you mean, much too generous?

You also have a rotten temper.

I think that was

great, Right, Statler?

Statler! You fell,

No, my upper plate

fell, I jumped after it,

So, you still don't believe us

about the phantom, huh, Kermit?

Listen, Scooter, there are no such things

as ghosts, or goblins, or phantoms

Oh, help! Help, somebody! Help!

- Hilda, what is it now?

Kermit, I just saw the

most hideous, inhuman face,

For a moment, I thought it was Gonzo,

But that was me,

Well, what are you doing scaring

an old lady half to death?

Well, I was hiding from the phantom,

- See? See, Kermit?

AII I see are a bunch of

Muppets spreading mass hysteria,

Now, there is no such thing as a phantom,

That's finaI, Period, End of report,

Uh, K-Kermit?

Kermit? - What?

What has a skull-like head,

fiery green eyes and a torn cape?

I don't know,

- I don't know either,

but it's right behind you,

Uh, you will notice that I

didn't fall for their joke,

And if it isn't a joke - I mean, if

there is someone or something behind me -

there is no doubt a

logicaI explanation for it,

So I shall now just turn slowly

around and see what is going on here,

Uh, pardon me, sir, but is there a

logicaI explanation for your presence here?

Apparently, there is

no logicaI explanation,

Here is a Muppet news flash,

Dateline, London,

Mrs, Lola Thomas of that city has just

finished eating an entire dieseI tractor,

Tell me, Mrs, Thomas, why

did you do such a thing?

Well, the doctor told me I had

an iron deficiency, you see,

so I started on a couple of doorknobs

and the occasionaI typewriter,

But there's nothing really quite

like a good bit of dieseI tractor

with your chips and peas, is there?

What an extraordinary feat,

I mean, how was it done?

Oh, Medium rare or thereabouts,

Is this lady making a fooI of me?

She didn't make a fooI of him,

- No, He managed it all by himself,

Nothing,

Who are you?

- I am Uncle Deadly,

Better known as the

Phantom of The Muppet Show.

Yes, sir, W-w-w-well,

Uncle, uh, Deadly, uh,

Phantom, uh, whatever do you want?

I mean, I'm just a just a frog,

Just a little, harmless, little,

helpless, little, harmless, green frog,

I never hurt a fly, Well, maybe

I ate a few as a kid, but

Enough of your horrible little jokes!

- Yes, sir,

You Muppets have

taken over my theatre,

Yes, sir,

- My home,

Years ago, I was a

great actor, A star,

In this very theatre, my Hamlet

was acclaimed as the greatest ever,

Yes, sir,

- And then I played my most difficult role,

Othello,

But opening night, I was killed,

Oh, well, I-I'm very sorry

to hear that, Who killed you?

The critics,

Enough,

- Yes, sir,

I swore I would never perform

here again, nor would anyone else,

No, sir,

- I will drive you all from this theatre,

Leave or be doomed!

Which way do I exit?

"Leave or be doomed," I don't

think I like those options,

Kermit, Oh, oh, Kermit, we

have been looking for you,

It was all a joke,

Yeah, that's right, chief, George

was just trying to scare us,

Yeah, he said he found an old mask and

cape in the cellar, Can you imagine that?

Yeah, I was just fooling

around, There ain't no phantom,

I was just trying to

scare everybody,

Well, you certainly did, and if you

ever do it again you're out of a job,

You scared me out of

about ten years' growth,

and I can't afford to get any smaller,

Leave or be doomed!

Uh uh, George

if you're down here,

who's that up there?

That must be

the Phantom of The Muppet Show!

Well, that may have been one of the

greatest performances of my career,

Our guest star tonight

was born in London,

but all you folks in Enid, Oklahoma,

better stand by to hear a souI sister,

Ladies and gentlemen, the down-home

sound of the incomparable Twiggy!

You've got a girI, you love her

Sunday Then you've got another on Monday

That ain't nobody's

business but my own

Sitting by the phone, waiting for your

call You're out somewhere having a ball

That ain't nobody's

business but my own

Nobody's business Nobody's business

Ain't nobody's business but my own

Nobody's business Nobody's business

Ain't nobody's business but my own

All night long you're playing poker

Tell me, what's the name of that joker?

That ain't nobody's

business but my own

I come over, say, "Here I am"

And then I hear the back door slam

That ain't nobody's

business but my own

Nobody's business Nobody's business

Ain't nobody's business but my own

Nobody's business Nobody's business

Ain't nobody's business but my own

Say, you wear the

prettiest ties and collars

Tell me, where do

you get the dollars?

That ain't nobody's

business but my own

You always talk about settling down

When I bring the ring, you're not around

Well, I'll be there the

next time that you call

- # So let's not fuss and let's not fight

- # I'm sick and tired of saying good night

Let's make up and

hold each other tight

Love each other in all kinds of

weather Let's go into business together

We could start a business of our own

Nobody's business Nobody's business

Ain't nobody's business but our own

Nobody's business Nobody's business

Ain't nobody's business but our own

OK, that about does

it for another week,

but I do wanna give an

extra special warm thank-you

to our lovely and charming guest star,

Oh, thank you so much,

No, no, no, I mean Twiggy, Twiggy!

I really had a lovely time,

Kermit, I even liked him,

Hey, you like him, you can have him,

- Oh, Well, not that much,

I didn't think so, Hey, we'll see

you all next time on The Muppet Show!

Well, every week this

show looks better to me,

Every week your eyesight gets worse,