Episode 210: George Burns/transcript

00:00:08 [Knocking]

00:00:09 George Burns. George Burns. Twenty seconds to curtain, Mr. Burns.

00:00:13 - I'm ready. - [Violin plays]

00:00:16 But... but what is that?

00:00:17 It's my new act. Gonzo fiddles while George burns.

00:00:23 I like that joke. It's a pleasure to hear something that's older than I am.

00:00:28 [Drumroll]

00:00:30 It's The Muppet Show with our special guest star, Mr. George Burns.

00:00:34 [Screams]

00:00:36 [Applause, whistling]

00:00:49 # Lt's time to play the music Lt's time to light the light

00:00:53 # Lt's time to meet the Muppets on The Muppet Show tonight

00:00:57 # Lt's time to put on makeup Lt's time to dress up right

00:01:01 # Lt's time to get things started

00:01:03 Isn't this opening pretentious?

00:01:06 # Lt's time to get things started

00:01:08 # On the most sensational, inspirational

00:01:10 # Celebrational, Muppetational

00:01:12 # This is what we call The Muppet Show! #

00:01:18 - [explosion] - [High-pitched squeaking]

00:01:24 OK, thank you, thank you and welcome again to another Muppet Show.

00:01:28 We've got a great show tonight because our guest star is Mr. George Burns.

00:01:33 - [Laughing] That's very funny. - What's funny?

00:01:36 Gonzo fiddles while George burns. [laughs]

00:01:39 Have you ever thought of checking in to the Home for the Chronically Strange?

00:01:45 But right now, let's start things off by going south of the border.

00:01:50 [# Cuanto Le Gusta]

00:02:54 [Trumpet wails]

00:03:21 Everybody!

00:03:34 [Screams]

00:03:38 Well, there it is. Your basic Latin number.

00:03:41 Well, actually, it's your basic pig Latin number.

00:03:44 [Both laughing]

00:03:47 What's going on? Who are you?

00:03:49 The name's Fleet Scribbler. I'm a gossip columnist for The Daily Scandal.

00:03:53 I'm sorry but we don't allow reporters backstage during the show.

00:03:57 What a headline! "Muppets Ban Press, Reporter Thrown Out by Frog."

00:04:01 Wait, on the other hand, can I offer you a cup of coffee?

00:04:04 What a headline! "Frog Bribes Reporter, Muppets Desperate for Publicity."

00:04:09 This isn't going to be easy.

00:04:11 Say, is it true you're dropping a lot of stuff from the show this year?

00:04:15 No, no, not particularly.

00:04:17 Aha. "Muppets Relying on Same Old Tired Junk."

00:04:21 Wait, wait, on the other hand, we have a lot of brand-new, innovative stuff.

00:04:25 "Muppets Changing Format, Desperate to Sustain Show."

00:04:29 I never knew the press could be so depressing.

00:04:32 Hey, Kermit, aren't you supposed to be introducing George Burns?

00:04:36 Oh, yeah. Excuse me.

00:04:39 - What a headline that would make. - What?

00:04:41 "Gonzo Fiddles While George Burns."

00:04:46 That joke is definitely making a comeback.

00:04:51 It's a very special night on The Muppet Show because

00:04:54 with us is one of the men of comedy who can really be called special.

00:04:57 Here he is with a cigar and a song, Mr. George Burns.

00:05:01 [Playing piano]

00:05:08 Thank you, thank you, thank you very much, and I'm delighted to be here.

00:05:12 I'm really glad you could make it, George.

00:05:15 It's a real honor for me to be playing piano for you.

00:05:17 Thank you, Rowlf. I haven't worked with a dog for years.

00:05:20 - You've actually worked with a dog? - Oh, sure, back in vaudeville.

00:05:24 In those days dog acts were very popular.

00:05:26 So I picked up a dog off the street and went to the theater to do my act.

00:05:30 I walked out on stage with the dog under my arm, stood there and sang my songs.

00:05:35 In the middle of my third song, the dog did his act.

00:05:40 Twice.

00:05:42 He bit me, the dog bit me right in the middle of my top note.

00:05:47 And to make matters worse, the theater manager came back,

00:05:50 canceled me and hired the dog.

00:05:53 I hope you won't hold that against us dogs.

00:05:55 Oh, no, no, no, no, I love dogs, especially if they can play in my key.

00:05:59 Oh, listen, I can play in any key. I'm another Jascha Heifetz.

00:06:04 Jascha Heifetz played the violin.

00:06:06 Nobody will know the difference, George.

00:06:09 OK, Rowlf, in my key, Train Back Home.

00:06:14 [# Train Back Home]

00:06:16 [Plays piano furiously]

00:06:19 Hold it, hold it, hold it, Rowlf. You're liable to hurt yourself.

00:06:23 Play like you're not getting paid. Nice and easy.

00:06:26 - Nice and easy it is. - Right from the top.

00:06:28 Right.

00:07:22 Isn't that a nice song?

00:07:30 Hey, that George Burns is a great singer.

00:07:33 Yeah, well, so am I, Statler.

00:07:35 - What? - Sure, you wanna hear me sing?

00:07:38 - Only if you sing tenor. - Tenor?

00:07:40 Ten or 11 miles away. [laughing]

00:07:43 How should I know what "cuanto le gusta" means?

00:07:47 Hiya, chickie baby.

00:07:49 Watch it, buster.

00:07:52 I'm Fleet Scribbler, from The Daily Scandal. I'm a reporter.

00:07:57 And what can your chickie baby do for you?

00:08:00 Well, I wanted to talk to you.

00:08:03 You want to interview me? Ah!

00:08:06 - Well, not exactly. - Oh, what do you want?

00:08:10 - Dirt. - What?

00:08:12 You know, scandal, the hot skinny. What really goes on behind the scenes.

00:08:16 I couldn't do that.

00:08:18 There is such a thing as loyalty to one's fellow performers.

00:08:22 Too bad.

00:08:23 I also wanted to do a picture spread of you. Something for Page Three.

00:08:29 Well, first of all...

00:08:33 ...just the other day...

00:08:36 Hey, wait a second. Hey, Scribbler. Those are all lies.

00:08:42 [# Chattanooga Choo Choo]

00:09:32 [Train chugging]

00:09:39 - Hey, hey, hey - Whoa, hey, hey

00:09:42 [train whistles]

00:09:46 Excuse me, Mr. Burns.

00:09:47 I wanted to warn you about this reporter that's backstage.

00:09:50 He writes a gossip column.

00:09:51 As long as he doesn't write the obituary column, I'm not worried.

00:09:56 But he writes for The Daily Scandal and he'll do anything for sensationalism.

00:10:01 Pay no attention to him, Burns. He's only a frog.

00:10:05 Thanks.

00:10:06 Look, I'll get right to the point, Burns.

00:10:09 How much are they paying you on this show?

00:10:11 - Hey, now, now, wait a second. - Let me handle this, Kermit.

00:10:17 - Ah, come on, is that a lie? - One of my best.

00:10:22 For years you were a vaudeville actor and now you've made two films.

00:10:26 Is it difficult to be an actor.

00:10:28 No, I think it's very easy to be an actor.

00:10:30 If you're doing a scene where a man tells you to sit down,

00:10:34 if you sit down, that's good acting.

00:10:36 If he tells you to sit down and you keep standing up, that's bad acting.

00:10:41 I always sit down, I'm a good actor.

00:10:43 I've been around so long that if I can sit down and get paid for doing it,

00:10:47 I'm in the right business.

00:10:50 That's the end of the interview. Goodbye, kid.

00:10:54 - You really took care of him. - Thanks, Kermit.

00:10:57 - How many cigars do you smoke a day? - About 20 a day.

00:11:01 At my age, I got to hold on to something.

00:11:06 [Man] And now, Veterinarian's Hospital,

00:11:09 the continuing story of a quack who has gone to the dogs.

00:11:17 Dr. Bob, are you ready for your next patient?

00:11:20 Next patient? What happened to the last one?

00:11:22 - He left for a better doctor. - Which doctor?

00:11:25 That's right. Witch doctor!

00:11:27 Witch doctor!

00:11:28 - Here it is, Dr. Bob. - Hmm?

00:11:31 - It's a telephone. What's wrong? - It isn't working.

00:11:35 Isn't working? Well, tell it to get a job so it can pay me.

00:11:38 [All laughing]

00:11:39 - Maybe it's a pay phone. - A pay phone!

00:11:42 - [All laughing] - Wow!

00:11:44 Dr. Bob, do you know anything about repairing telephones?

00:11:47 - I can look it up in the book. - The medical book?

00:11:49 No, the telephone book.

00:11:51 [All laughing]

00:11:53 - What do you think, Dr. Bob? - It must be jaundice.

00:11:56 - How do you know? - Look at all these yellow pages.

00:11:58 [All laughing]

00:12:02 Dr. Bob, do you think the telephone needs an anesthetic.

00:12:06 - Well, if so, make it a local. - Why?

00:12:09 Because long distance costs too much.

00:12:11 [All laughing]

00:12:14 Wait a minute. Nurse Piggy, don't you have the next line?

00:12:18 - Yes, but I can't say it. - How come?

00:12:21 The line's busy.

00:12:22 [All laughing]

00:12:25 - Dr. Bob? - Hm?

00:12:26 Dr. Bob, wow, are you ever going to operate?

00:12:29 - No, but I know who will. - Who?

00:12:32 The telephone operator.

00:12:33 [All laughing]

00:12:34 [Man] And so, once again, Dr. Bob is off the hook.

00:12:38 You talking to me?

00:12:39 [Man] Tune in next week when you'll hear Nurse Piggy say:

00:12:43 Does the phone remind you of anything?

00:12:45 Well, it does ring a bell.

00:12:46 [All laughing]

00:12:53 [# Knocked 'Em in the Old Kent Road]

00:14:13 [Fozzie] Watch the hands!

00:14:15 Watch the feet! Watch your wallet! Here we go.

00:14:26 Everybody!

00:14:50 [Honks]

00:14:54 Excuse me, Mr. Burns, remember me? I'm Gonzo.

00:14:58 Oh, one of the Marx Brothers, Groucho, Chico, Harpo and Gonzo.

00:15:03 No, no, no, no, I'm the Great Gonzo. I'm in show business too.

00:15:06 Well, how did you get a name like Gonzo?

00:15:09 - My mother gave it to me. - Your mother.

00:15:11 Yeah. She died two years before I was born.

00:15:14 If she died two years before you were born, how could she give you that name?

00:15:18 - She left a note to my father. - A note to your father, I thought so.

00:15:22 Coming from you that sounds believable.

00:15:24 Look, I hope you don't mind me coming in here like this,

00:15:27 but I know you love show business,

00:15:29 and those stories about the early days are really interesting.

00:15:33 - Some of them are pretty dull. - How can you say that?

00:15:36 I haven't even told you any of my stories yet.

00:15:38 - Oh, yours? I thought you meant... - I remember my first act.

00:15:42 I worked with a kangaroo who could tell time.

00:15:45 A kangaroo who could tell time?

00:15:47 Yeah. It was a trick. He kept a pocket watch in his pouch.

00:15:52 If you've got a pouch, that's the place to keep it.

00:15:55 Yeah, but he was always wrong. He kept his watch on Australia time.

00:15:59 Makes sense.

00:16:00 Not really. He's never been to Australia.

00:16:04 Well, that makes sense too. Where did he come from?

00:16:06 Sydney.

00:16:08 I thought you said he'd never been to Australia.

00:16:10 Sydney's his agent.

00:16:11 - Has he got an office in Pittsburgh. - Yeah.

00:16:14 Used to handle me. You know something, Gonzo?

00:16:17 You sound a lot like somebody I used to work with.

00:16:19 - Really? That's a compliment. - Mm-hm.

00:16:23 You know... you know who that is?

00:16:25 Sure, Walter Matthau.

00:16:27 Yeah, that's her.

00:16:30 I must be getting old. I think I enjoyed talking to him.

00:16:36 [Soft music plays]

00:16:39 Kermie, Kermie, won't you dance with me? Kermie!

00:16:43 [# L Won't Dance]

00:17:25 Oh, yeah?

00:18:03 - Bravo, Bravo! - Why are you yelling bravo?

00:18:06 Did you like it that much?

00:18:08 No. A friend of mine, Joe Bravo. He's sitting in the third row.

00:18:11 - Bravo, Bravo, up here! - Up here!

00:18:16 [Bleeping]

00:18:22 [Computer voice] This is a recorded analytic program readout.

00:18:25 [Beeping]

00:18:26 We will start with the upper right of the module.

00:18:30 You will note the longitudinally polarized antenna.

00:18:33 This component is indestructible and is guaranteed for the life of the unit.

00:18:39 [Ringing]

00:18:40 There is an alarm system which is activated if the machine is damaged.

00:18:46 Adjacent to the alarm is the digital iambic generator.

00:18:51 - [Beeping] - [Growls]

00:18:52 This unit is pressurized with large amounts of methane gas.

00:18:58 [Burps]

00:19:00 On the top of the inter-cellular power generator

00:19:03 you will see a spherical voltage oblongata.

00:19:07 [Growls]

00:19:13 [Cash register rings]

00:19:15 By way of contrast, the Doppler sublimated magneto

00:19:19 located on the front of the generator

00:19:22 can be purchased in any hardware store for about 37 cents.

00:19:28 [Buzzing]

00:19:29 The intercellular power structure and generator itself

00:19:33 is filled with a series of Manxome coils attenuated dicotyledonously.

00:19:38 [Growls]

00:19:39 Ln this same circuit there is an intaglio of numismatic

00:19:43 krypton wavelengths which abrogates the hydromatic mome raths

00:19:47 at the rate of five ventrical icons per micro cantabile.

00:19:52 - The electromagnetic console... - [growls]

00:19:59 Ln conclusion, nothing can keep this machine from performing its function

00:20:05 which is to be the most powerful exploding device known to man.

00:20:09 - [Ticking] - [Grunts]

00:20:10 [Explosion]

00:20:13 Disgusting. Ever see eating like that?

00:20:16 - Sure. - Where?

00:20:17 - Thanksgiving dinner with my in-laws. - [Chuckles]

00:20:22 Hey, Kermit, do you know about the reporter who's snooping around here?

00:20:26 Yeah, Fleet Scribbler.

00:20:27 He asked me to tell him all about the scandals and behind-the-scenes dirt.

00:20:31 Oh, I know, it's just awful.

00:20:33 - It was. I didn't know where to begin. - What?

00:20:37 Well, I mean, I could have talked for hours.

00:20:39 I don't want to hear about it.

00:20:42 Now he's talking to the Swedish Chef.

00:20:44 Well, he can't get any information from him.

00:20:47 [Mock Swedish]

00:20:53 [Mock Swedish]

00:20:59 [Laughing]

00:21:00 On the other hand... [gulps]

00:21:04 Ladies and gentlemen, once again, the one and only Mr. George Burns.

00:21:09 [Piano plays]

00:21:12 What do you say, George, would you do one more song for us?

00:21:15 You don't think I came over here just to do one song.

00:21:18 Mr. Burns, oh, I've been a fan of yours for years.

00:21:22 Would you sing a song just for moi?

00:21:26 I could never say no to a lady.

00:21:28 Well, you don't have to worry then. It's only Miss Piggy. [laughs]

00:21:32 Cool it, flea bait.

00:21:34 Now, where were we?

00:21:37 I was about to say yes to a lady.

00:21:39 Thank you, Mr. Burns.

00:21:40 Let's get the group out because this song needs all the help I can get.

00:21:45 - Out here, everybody. - [Piano playing]

00:21:47 - Now, Rowlf, in my key. - All right.

00:21:50 - I want you all to follow me. - Yes, sir.

00:21:52 [# All Depends on You]

00:22:01 That's nice.

00:22:34 Hold that note. I'll find another song.

00:22:37 Oh, I got it.

00:22:38 [# You Made Me Love You]

00:23:12 That's nice. Let's... let's... let's do that again.

00:23:30 [Full band joins in]

00:24:06 [Gulps]

00:24:25 It's been another busy show and here we are now at the place where it stops.

00:24:30 And so let's give a warm thank you

00:24:32 to our special guest star, Mr. George Burns!

00:24:34 [Screams]

00:24:38 Hey, Mr. Burns, is it true that you and Miss Piggy were seen at a discotheque?

00:24:43 - [Coughing] - Good night, Fleet.

00:24:46 OK, we'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!

00:25:25 - How do they do it? - How do we watch it?

00:25:29 - Why do we watch it? - Why do you watch it?