Episode 222: Teresa Brewer/transcript

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00:00:09:05 00:00:12:16 Teresa Brewer! Thirteen seconds to curtain, Miss Brewer.

00:00:12:18 00:00:13:28 Everything all right?

00:00:14:00 00:00:16:00 Actually, l could use a hand.

00:00:16:02 00:00:18:03 You want a hand, you got it!

00:00:21:06 00:00:22:18 Anything else?

00:00:26:13 00:00:28:01 lt.s The Muppet Show

00:00:28:03 00:00:31:09 with our special guest star, Miss Teresa Brewer!

00:00:31:11 00:00:33:15 [applause and whistles]

00:00:45:10 00:00:49:05 ♪ lt's time to play the music lt's time to light the light

00:00:49:07 00:00:52:16 ♪ lt's time to meet the Muppets on The Muppet Show tonight

00:00:53:09 00:00:57:20 ♪ lt's time to put on makeup lt's time to dress up right

00:00:57:22 00:00:59:22 ♪ lt's time to get things started

00:00:59:25 00:01:02:01 Can l see your ticket stub?

00:01:02:03 00:01:03:27 ♪ lt's time to get things started

00:01:03:29 00:01:06:08 ♪ On the most sensational, inspirational

00:01:06:10 00:01:08:07 ♪ Celebrational, Muppetational

00:01:08:09 00:01:13:28 ♪ This is what we call The Muppet Show! ♪

00:01:18:11 00:01:20:11 Sorry. Sorry!

00:01:22:01 00:01:24:22 [applause] Thank you, thank you, thank you.

00:01:24:25 00:01:26:23 Welcome again to The Muppet Show,

00:01:26:25 00:01:28:29 where anything can happen.

00:01:29:02 00:01:30:17 Unfortunately.

00:01:31:03 00:01:33:16 But on the bright side, our special guest star

00:01:33:18 00:01:35:23 is one of the great names in popular music.

00:01:35:25 00:01:38:14 Here she is now, Miss Teresa Brewer!

00:01:40:14 00:01:42:29 [♪ Cotton Fields]

00:04:33:15 00:04:36:23 l can remember when cotton was king.

00:04:36:25 00:04:39:21 You can remember when Arthur was king.

00:04:41:19 00:04:44:09 OK. You guys really bailed out that number.

00:04:44:11 00:04:46:15 Very nice. Hey, Kermit?

00:04:46:18 00:04:50:17 Have you decided what to do about Miss Piggy.s ballet number next week?

00:04:50:20 00:04:52:26 Yeah. l.m afraid we.re gonna have to cut it.

00:04:52:28 00:04:54:20 [gasping] But why?

00:04:54:22 00:04:56:17 Have you seen Miss Piggy recently?

00:04:56:19 00:04:58:10 She.s getting a little bulgy.

00:04:58:12 00:05:01:02 You know, the pork no longer fits in the barrel.

00:05:01:04 00:05:04:01 Yeah, her wiggles are beginning to waddle a little.

00:05:04:03 00:05:08:00 Yeah, that.s the way the old pork rolls.

00:05:11:08 00:05:14:09 Um... Hello, Kermie.

00:05:14:11 00:05:16:09 Hi, Miss Piggy. Um...

00:05:16:11 00:05:19:05 l have a wonderful announcement to make.

00:05:19:08 00:05:23:06 l know it sounds silly, but l am going on a diet.

00:05:23:09 00:05:26:14 A diet? What a wonderful idea. Yes.

00:05:26:16 00:05:28:24 Uh, how much weight do you plan to lose?

00:05:28:26 00:05:32:07 Oh, l don.t know. Maybe five...

00:05:32:09 00:05:33:14 Mm. Ten!

00:05:33:16 00:05:34:28 Ten... Yeah.

00:05:35:00 00:05:36:23 Fifteen. Do l hear 20?

00:05:36:25 00:05:38:09 Twenty pounds. Sold.

00:05:39:17 00:05:42:26 For my new ballet number!

00:05:44:25 00:05:46:17 Do you think she overheard?

00:05:48:12 00:05:53:02 [announcer] And now, Pigs ln Space.

00:05:55:29 00:05:59:22 Starring the indomitable Captain Link Hogthrob,

00:06:00:11 00:06:03:01 The flappable first mate, Miss Piggy,

00:06:03:29 00:06:07:28 And the inexplicable Dr, Strangepork,

00:06:08:00 00:06:10:11 As we left our heroes last time,

00:06:10:13 00:06:14:16 Captain Hogthrob had just discovered the awful truth,

00:06:14:18 00:06:15:26 Yes, Captain.

00:06:15:28 00:06:19:29 Our oxygen is almost gone, fuel supplies are down to nothing,

00:06:20:01 00:06:22:12 and the water is all used up.

00:06:22:14 00:06:25:22 Oh, Captain, my captain. What shall we do?

00:06:25:25 00:06:28:17 Egad, we.re out of water, fuel and oxygen.

00:06:28:20 00:06:30:22 What could be worse? [swooning]

00:06:30:25 00:06:33:10 Captain, we.re out of swill!

00:06:33:13 00:06:34:19 [gasping]

00:06:34:21 00:06:37:12 Out of swill? Oh, not swill.

00:06:37:14 00:06:39:10 [sobbing]

00:06:40:12 00:06:44:21 Wait a minute. l thought this was a serious science fiction story.

00:06:44:23 00:06:47:10 Yes, but we.ve got 25 adult pigs on this spaceship.

00:06:47:12 00:06:49:27 We can.t survive without swill.

00:06:49:29 00:06:51:27 What do you suggest, Captain?

00:06:51:29 00:06:54:17 Miss Piggy, go cook us some swill.

00:06:54:19 00:06:56:07 [gasps] Me?

00:06:56:09 00:06:59:04 l.m the first mate. l.m supposed to give orders.

00:06:59:07 00:07:01:26 Fine, then give us 25 orders of swill.

00:07:03:09 00:07:06:28 And one side of coleslaw! [laughing]

00:07:08:14 00:07:11:18 Besides, l am a gourmet cook.

00:07:11:20 00:07:14:26 Good. Then give us 25 orders of swill stroganoff.

00:07:16:27 00:07:18:14 All right, that does it.

00:07:18:16 00:07:21:06 l refuse to continue this sketch. You hear me?

00:07:21:08 00:07:25:07 What sketch? This is the Swinetrek. We.re lost in endless space.

00:07:25:09 00:07:27:16 This is a cheap shot comedy sketch,

00:07:27:18 00:07:30:00 and l.ll lay you odds the frog wrote it.

00:07:30:02 00:07:31:29 Hi. [gasping]

00:07:32:02 00:07:34:18 Hey, you guys. Kermit says get on with the sketch.

00:07:34:21 00:07:37:02 [alarm blaring] Red alert. Emergency.

00:07:37:04 00:07:40:02 A hideous space creature has boarded the ship!

00:07:40:04 00:07:42:00 Where? Hideous space creature,

00:07:42:02 00:07:45:00 we are doomed. Not without a fight, we.re not.

00:07:45:02 00:07:47:21 [chattering]

00:07:47:23 00:07:50:22 Tune in next time for the beginning of

00:07:50:24 00:07:54:21 Pigs ln Space.

00:07:58:19 00:08:01:00 [♪ Wild Thing]

00:09:19:06 00:09:23:29 [Animal shouting] Wild thing! Wild thing! Wild thing!

00:09:24:01 00:09:25:27 l wonder where they took him.

00:09:25:29 00:09:29:16 Wherever it is, l bet it.s more fun than here.

00:09:32:13 00:09:37:00 Ladies and gentlemen, in a major feat of deathdefying intellectualism

00:09:37:02 00:09:39:05 never seen before,

00:09:39:07 00:09:42:15 the Great Gonzo will recite Shakespeare

00:09:42:17 00:09:45:21 while suspended by his nose from a feather boa

00:09:45:24 00:09:48:01 nine feet in the air.

00:09:48:04 00:09:50:18 Ladies and gentlemen, the Great Gonzo!

00:09:54:18 00:09:56:05 The Merchant of Venice,

00:09:56:07 00:09:58:10 Act one, scene one.

00:09:58:12 00:10:00:19 Antonio speaks.

00:10:00:21 00:10:04:06 ln sooth, l know not why l am so sad.

00:10:04:08 00:10:08:08 lt wearies me, you say... Ah! Ah! Ah!

00:10:08:10 00:10:10:08 Ahchoo!

00:10:10:19 00:10:11:29 [crashing]

00:10:14:09 00:10:17:01 [clearing throat] Excuse me, Miss Brewer?

00:10:17:03 00:10:20:10 l was wondering if l could ask your advice.

00:10:20:13 00:10:22:08 You know, woman to woman.

00:10:22:10 00:10:23:27 Why, sure, Miss Piggy.

00:10:24:00 00:10:26:12 Well, l have this friend

00:10:26:14 00:10:29:15 who is absolutely devastating.

00:10:29:17 00:10:32:26 Except she has an itty bitty weight problem.

00:10:32:28 00:10:35:18 What makes you think l know anything about being fat?

00:10:35:20 00:10:40:15 Oh, Miss Brewer, l.ve always known that you were one of us skinny people.

00:10:40:17 00:10:43:20 l thought that maybe you might have heard something

00:10:43:22 00:10:46:05 from one of your fat friends.

00:10:46:07 00:10:47:27 Well, maybe l can help. Oh.

00:10:47:29 00:10:50:25 l was about to have some lunch. Would you care to join me?

00:10:50:27 00:10:52:12 Ahhhhh!

00:10:52:29 00:10:54:12 You know... [gasping]

00:10:54:14 00:10:56:27 Oh, perhaps a nibble. [growling]

00:10:56:29 00:10:59:21 lt.s such a relief to meet someone who isn.t on a diet.

00:10:59:23 00:11:01:26 Yes, yes. They.re such bores.

00:11:01:28 00:11:06:25 You know, all they ever talk about is calories and exercise and lettuce.

00:11:06:27 00:11:08:03 [snorting]

00:11:08:05 00:11:10:25 Let.s eat. Now you.re talking.

00:11:10:27 00:11:12:12 [knock on door] Come in.

00:11:13:22 00:11:17:08 Oh, Miss Brewer. l thought that number was so great,

00:11:17:10 00:11:19:25 that Cotton Fields thing. lt was just beautiful.

00:11:19:27 00:11:21:26 Thank you, Kermit. Uh, Piggy?

00:11:21:28 00:11:23:28 Uh, you.re supposed to be on a diet.

00:11:24:00 00:11:27:15 You weren.t thinking of doing anything with that cake there,

00:11:27:18 00:11:29:17 were you, fat stuff?

00:11:30:28 00:11:33:23 Not until now.

00:11:38:17 00:11:41:01 How about that? Frosted frog.

00:11:41:03 00:11:42:21 [Piggy growling]

00:11:46:05 00:11:48:12 [waltz playing]

00:11:52:05 00:11:56:20 l lost 1 80 pounds of ugly fat in just one week.

00:11:56:22 00:12:00:09 Oh? How.d you do that? l divorced my husband.

00:12:02:03 00:12:04:16 l went on a new diet last week.

00:12:04:18 00:12:07:07 l eat nothing but carrots three times a day.

00:12:07:09 00:12:08:28 Oh! How.s it working?

00:12:09:00 00:12:10:17 Fine. [laughing]

00:12:13:04 00:12:16:17 As far as l.m concerned, being fat.s all in your head.

00:12:17:05 00:12:19:02 l don.t think it.s all in your head.

00:12:22:17 00:12:25:18 And then she had the nerve to tell me that l was overweight.

00:12:25:20 00:12:28:04 Can you believe that? Overweight?

00:12:28:06 00:12:31:07 lsn.t that the most absurd thing...? [fabric ripping]

00:12:31:09 00:12:32:14 [screaming]

00:12:37:23 00:12:39:07 [crashing]

00:12:41:04 00:12:45:12 Here.s a little number now that we dedicate to my favorite food.

00:12:45:14 00:12:47:25 And we call it Cheesecake,

00:12:49:06 00:12:51:08 One and two and...

00:14:33:08 00:14:36:09 Cheesecake. Mm. Oh, cheesecake!

00:14:36:11 00:14:38:26 l.m getting out of here while the getting.s good.

00:14:41:22 00:14:43:14 This is really amazing, Teresa.

00:14:43:16 00:14:47:01 You got the autograph of every big star in show business in that book.

00:14:47:04 00:14:49:18 lt.s a hobby of mine. l started when l was a kid.

00:14:49:21 00:14:52:20 l always get all the autographs of all the people l work with.

00:14:52:22 00:14:56:05 There.s Bing Crosby. You.ve got Bob Hope.

00:14:56:08 00:14:58:04 And Louie Armstrong.

00:14:58:06 00:15:00:25 Wait a second. Whose autograph is that?

00:15:00:27 00:15:02:05 Crazy Harry.

00:15:04:16 00:15:06:00 Want another one?

00:15:06:02 00:15:07:18 No, it.s all right.

00:15:09:01 00:15:12:27 l didn.t know you were getting autographs of us Muppets.

00:15:12:29 00:15:16:28 Of course. l think l.ve got just about all of the Muppet.s autographs.

00:15:17:00 00:15:19:16 Well, you haven.t gotten all of them.

00:15:19:19 00:15:22:25 You know, you.re right. l.m missing the most important one.

00:15:22:28 00:15:25:08 [clearing throat] Well, um... Gee.

00:15:25:10 00:15:28:06 You know, the collection would be worthless without it.

00:15:28:08 00:15:31:00 Yeah, well, l don.t know what to say.

00:15:31:02 00:15:34:19 Well, just tell me how to get Animal.s autograph.

00:15:34:24 00:15:35:26 Animal?

00:15:35:28 00:15:38:16 Autograph!

00:15:38:18 00:15:41:29 [shouting and laughing]

00:15:42:16 00:15:45:03 [imitating Animal] l love it!

00:15:47:24 00:15:49:16 Welcome again to Muppet Labs

00:15:49:18 00:15:52:08 where the future is being made today.

00:15:52:11 00:15:55:16 And it.s breakthrough time here at the labs again.

00:15:55:19 00:15:59:21 Well, here it is, the allnew Muppets electric nose warmer.

00:16:01:23 00:16:05:11 Yes, how many times have you been outdoors on a cold, nippy day

00:16:05:13 00:16:07:14 and gotten your nose cold?

00:16:07:16 00:16:10:08 ..Wouldn.t it be nice,.. you thought to yourself,

00:16:10:10 00:16:13:00 ..if l could warm it electrically...

00:16:13:02 00:16:15:01 Well, now you can,

00:16:15:03 00:16:18:06 as my assistant, Beaker, will now demonstrate.

00:16:18:26 00:16:20:19 Come on in here, Beaker.

00:16:20:21 00:16:22:18 We.re just going to slip... Come here.

00:16:22:20 00:16:25:05 We.re just going to slip this on your nose.

00:16:25:08 00:16:27:20 There you go. All the way up.

00:16:29:15 00:16:30:29 There.

00:16:31:01 00:16:35:00 And now with the nose warmer in place we have only to turn on the electricity.

00:16:35:03 00:16:37:20 [Beaker whimpering] [electrical buzzing]

00:16:40:29 00:16:44:22 And there.s Beaker with a nice toasty warm nose.

00:16:44:27 00:16:47:14 You really should stop smoking, Beaker.

00:16:47:16 00:16:49:17 lt.s very bad for your health.

00:16:50:18 00:16:52:16 [electrical zapping]

00:16:57:05 00:16:59:22 Yeah, that was great.

00:16:59:25 00:17:02:12 Fantastic. Eh, didn.t like it.

00:17:02:15 00:17:04:29 What would you know, you old fool?

00:17:05:02 00:17:07:28 Don.t call me an old fool. l.ll give you the evil eye.

00:17:08:00 00:17:11:02 Oh, l.m scared. l.m scared!

00:17:11:04 00:17:14:21 [screaming]

00:17:14:23 00:17:16:24 l warned him.

00:17:17:12 00:17:20:00 [♪ At the Hop]

00:17:40:13 00:17:42:08 [frogs] Do the hop. Hop! Hop! Hop!

00:17:42:10 00:17:44:22 Hey, guys. No, finish the song, guys.

00:17:44:24 00:17:47:17 Could you...? Never mind.

00:17:50:25 00:17:52:02 Oh!

00:17:52:04 00:17:55:08 Oh, l am so hungry!

00:17:56:26 00:18:00:23 lt.s been 20 whole minutes l.ve been on this diet.

00:18:02:13 00:18:06:09 Well, let.s see. l hope l haven.t lost too much weight.

00:18:07:02 00:18:09:00 [gasping] Oh!

00:18:09:02 00:18:10:24 You are ravishing!

00:18:12:25 00:18:15:05 All right, it.s weighin time.

00:18:15:07 00:18:17:27 All right, scale, give me the good news.

00:18:21:14 00:18:23:24 Liar! Hiyah!

00:18:51:06 00:18:54:14 lt.s the old girllswinglmonster bit again.

00:18:54:16 00:18:56:15 They tried to sneak it past us.

00:18:56:17 00:18:59:01 Shoddy. Shoddy.

00:19:11:26 00:19:13:26 [crashing]

00:19:24:10 00:19:25:27 [grunting]

00:19:30:20 00:19:32:27 l think it.s getting better.

00:19:32:29 00:19:35:08 l think you.re getting senile.

00:19:44:13 00:19:48:17 [♪ Spinning Wheel]

00:20:06:23 00:20:10:00 [male announcer] Well, hi there, fatties,

00:20:10:02 00:20:12:03 and welcome to the Chub Club,

00:20:12:05 00:20:16:04 The only TV show where we lose viewers by the ton,

00:20:16:06 00:20:17:15 [laughing]

00:20:17:17 00:20:20:07 Well, chubbies, ready to lose a little lard?

00:20:20:10 00:20:22:16 Ready to lose a few tubes?

00:20:22:19 00:20:26:01 Let's start with a little exercise, All right.

00:20:26:03 00:20:29:10 OK, chin up, chest out, deep breath,

00:20:29:12 00:20:33:12 touching toes, One, two, one, two, [straining]

00:20:33:14 00:20:36:17 One, two, one, two

00:20:36:19 00:20:39:19 One, two, one, two,,, All right, take a hike.

00:20:39:21 00:20:41:20 Ready? Stop,

00:20:41:22 00:20:43:25 Next exercise, leg lifts,

00:20:43:27 00:20:47:23 Lie down on the floor on your back, Yeah, OK.

00:20:47:25 00:20:51:01 Lift legs high up in the air, Ready? Yeah.

00:20:51:03 00:20:53:14 Lift, Up, down, You.ve gotta be kidding.

00:20:53:17 00:20:55:29 [screaming] Up!

00:20:56:01 00:20:58:25 [straining] Down,

00:20:58:27 00:21:00:28 Oh! Up,

00:21:01:01 00:21:02:27 l.m trying! Down,

00:21:02:29 00:21:05:18 Oh! Very good, Everybody on your feet,

00:21:05:20 00:21:09:05 Oh! Next exercise, running in place,

00:21:09:07 00:21:11:21 Yeah, OK. Here we go, Ready? Run,

00:21:11:23 00:21:14:21 One, two, one, two, one, two,,, [panting]

00:21:14:23 00:21:18:00 One, two, one, two, one, two,,, [panting heavily]

00:21:18:02 00:21:20:13 [panting]

00:21:20:15 00:21:22:26 Alrighty,

00:21:22:28 00:21:26:10 Can't you just feel that fat falling away?

00:21:26:13 00:21:28:18 Oh! Ahhhh!

00:21:28:21 00:21:29:27 [crashing]

00:21:31:11 00:21:35:19 Ladies and gentlemen, once again our special guest star, Miss Teresa Brewer.

00:21:42:16 00:21:44:18 Hey, now we.ll really hear some music.

00:21:44:20 00:21:46:10 Yeah, want music.

00:21:46:12 00:21:48:04 Put another nickel in.

00:21:48:06 00:21:51:22 [coin falling] l put nickel in. Want music.

00:21:51:24 00:21:55:07 Put another nickel in. Ahhh!

00:21:55:09 00:21:58:16 [coin falling] l put nickel in. Want music.

00:21:58:18 00:22:00:08 Just listen, fuzzy face.

00:22:00:11 00:22:01:23 Fuzzy face!

00:22:01:25 00:22:04:07 [♪ Music, Music, Music] [Animal] Ah!

00:24:20:07 00:24:23:01 That.s all the time and jokes we have left for this show.

00:24:23:03 00:24:26:24 But before we go let.s have a great big hand for Miss Teresa Brewer!

00:24:26:26 00:24:29:09 [applause and whistles] Thank you.

00:24:29:11 00:24:33:22 And now, how about a nice big hand for Kermit the Frog?

00:24:33:24 00:24:35:11 Aw, thank you. Ahhh!

00:24:37:24 00:24:39:08 l deserved that.

00:24:39:10 00:24:43:24 OK, everybody, when the pig exercises, everybody exercises.

00:24:43:26 00:24:46:23 Run in place. One, two, three...

00:24:46:26 00:24:49:23 OK, well, we.ll see you all next time on The Muppet Show!

00:24:49:25 00:24:52:13 Just keep going. One, two, three, four...

00:24:52:16 00:24:54:00 Come on, keep exercising.

00:24:54:03 00:24:57:14 One, two, yes, yes, one, two, one... Run in place!

00:24:57:16 00:24:59:26 Get out of here, squeak. One, two, one, two...

00:25:27:07 00:25:29:13 Well, they did it again.

00:25:29:15 00:25:31:21 Yeah, whatever it was.

00:25:31:23 00:25:33:03 [laughing]