Episode 105: Rita Moreno/transcript

It's The Muppet Show with our

special guest star, Miss Rita Moreno,

It's time to play the music

It's time to light the lights

It's time to meet the Muppets

on The Muppet Show tonight

It's time to put on makeup

It's time to dress up right

It's time to raise the curtain

on The Muppet Show tonight

My cousin's so dumb, he

spent two weeks in London

trying to find the

European Common Market,

To introduce our guest star

That's what I'm here to do

So it really makes me happy

To introduce to you

Miss Rita Moreno,

Ahh! Ahh!

But now let's get things started

on the most sensationaI, inspirationaI

CelebrationaI, MuppetationaI

This is what we call

The Muppet Show

Thank you, thank you, thank you,

And welcome to The Muppet Show.

And what a show we got,

We have music, comedy,

225 dancing elephants

who, unfortunately,

left their costumes at home because

they forgot to pack their trunks,

I gave him that joke,

- I wish I gave it right back,

But right now, let's get things

moving with our special guest star,

the beautifuI, lovely, terrific and talented

- lovely Miss Rita Moreno,

Agh!

Agh!

Agh!

OK, great number, Hey, would somebody

help that guy up the stairs, please?

She always does, She

was, but was I good?

Good? Piggy, honey, you're a ripsnorter,

Hey, Fozzie, can you get that?

- I'll get it, Kermit,

Hello, The Muppet Show backstage,

Who was it?

- The Water Department,

What the hey?

And now

"Veterinarian's Hospital. "

The continuing story of a

former orthopedic surgeon

who's gone to the dogs.

I'm sorry I'm late, Dr, Bob, I

was operating in the other room,

I know, It's the talk of the hospitaI,

Booga booga!

Cut that out, Let me

have the ear thing,

Ear thing, Dr, Bob,

Ooh, feels good, Stick,

Stick, Dr, Bob,

- Fetch,

What's that all about?

- That's my laboratory retriever,

Good girI,

- Thank you,

Oh, what do you think, Dr, Bob?

- I think this man is sick,

He oughtta see a doctor,

- But, Dr, Bob, you are a doctor,

That's your opinion, I'm gettin' outta here,

- No, you're not,

You can't leave, Fozzie, Dr, Bob is

the only one who can save you now,

She's right, I saved over 500 last year,

- What? Patients?

No, Dollars,

Of course, I also lost over 1 00 pounds,

- What? In weight?

No, In England,

Dr, Bob, you should

be ashamed of yourself,

You call yourself a doctor, Dr, Bob?

I'd never call myself a doctor, They

don't come when you call them anyway,

Tune in next week when

we'll hear Nurse Piggy say.

Dr, Bob, you've lost

all your patients,

I can't help it, I got a

short temper, About this tall,

Can I go now?

OK, a little shaky, A little shaky, guys,

- Well, your timing was awfuI!

What do you know about time?

- I know your face would stop a clock!

Well, stop it, pork chop!

Hey, Fozzie, Can you get that, please?

- Yeah, Kermit, I'll get it,

Hello, Backstage at The Muppet Show.

Fozzie, who was it?

The Fire Department,

I think this is what

they call a running gag,

No, that's what they

call a running gag,

Here's a Muppet newsflash,

Dateline, Fresno, Mr, Thomas Galli,

or Galley, spent the last 2 7 months

teaching his pet chicken

to dance classicaI ballet,

Last Saturday, the chicken

passed her auditions

and became a member of the

RoyaI Copenhagen Ballet,

Unfortunately, Mrs, Galley

didn't wish to move to Denmark,

so she fricasseed the

ballerina for lunch,

Speaking of lunch, I wonder what

the Swedish chef has up his sleeve,

A summons from the

board of health, I wager,

Der flappen jacken hooken,

Just flip, Der,

Der flip-flop der flapjack,

Flip,

Der sticken on der roofen,

Der flipjack on der her hoop,

I get der blunderbuss,

I got it,

Ha ha,

The Muppet Show. Backstage,

Fozzie, who was that?

- Las Vegas,

They're a nice-looking couple,

Yeah, but a couple of what?

I hear you come from a broken home,

Yeah, I broke it myself,

Two, three, dip,

- Ahh!

Dip,

- Ahh!

Dip,

- Ahh!

Ahh!

Does one ever encounter

sharks in these parts?

Oh, no, Absolutely not,

Never, Why do you ask?

Just curious,

I hear that the president said that you

shouldn't panic if you don't have a job,

That's easy for him

to say, He's got a job,

I don't think we should come

to this ballroom any more,

Why?

- It seems to attract a lower class of animaI,

Oh, well,

Ahh!

I have a gnawing feeling

you're right, Let's tango,

I started on a journey

just about a year ago

To a little town called

Morrow in the state of Ohio

I've never been much of a

traveler, and I really didn't know

That Morrow was the hardest

place I'd ever try to go

So I went down to the station

for my ticket and applied

For tips regarding Morrow,

not expecting to be guyed

Said I, "My friend, I'd

like to go to Morrow and return

No later than tomorrow

for I haven't time to burn"

Said he to me

"Now let me see if

I have heard you right"

You'd like to go to Morrow

and return tomorrow night

You should have gone to

Morrow yesterday, and back today

For the train that goes to

Morrow is a mile upon its way

If you had gone to Morrow

yesterday, now don't you see

You could have gone to Morrow

and returned today at three

For the train today to

Morrow, if the schedule is right

Today it gets to Morrow

and returns tomorrow night

Said I, "I'd like to go

to Morrow, so can I go today

And get to Morrow by

tonight if there is no delay?"

"Well, well," I said to him,

"and I've got no more to say

Can you get anywhere tomorrow

and get back again today?"

Said I, "I guess you know

it all, but kindly let me say

How can I get to Morrow if I

leave this town today?" Said he

"You cannot go to

Morrow anymore today

For the train that goes to

Morrow is a mile upon its way"

I was so disappointed,

I was mad enough to swear

The train had gone to Morrow

and had left me standing there

The man was right in telling me

"You are a howling jay,

you cannot go to Morrow"

Well, I guess in town I'll stay

I don't get it,

Right now, friends, I am proud

to present a group of performers

that I personally discovered in the waiting

room of a bus station in Toledo, Ohio,

They weren't performing

there, they were just waiting,

Anyhow, let's bring 'em on with a big

hand, Marvin Suggs and his Muppaphones,

Ole, ole, ole, ole, ole, ole,

Thank you, thank you

and gracias. Thank you,

I am the beloved Marvin Suggs,

And now presenting the performing

members of the Muppaphones,

Move it, move it, Yeah, Yeah,

- Another day, another headache,

Attention!

Tuning up,

Ow,

- Ow,

Ow,

- Ow,

Ow,

Oh, no, Move it, Marvin, Move it,

move it, Marvin, Move it, Move it,

Attention!

Tuning up,

Ow,

- Ow,

Ow,

- Ow,

Ow,

- Ow,

Ow,

Move it, Lucy, Move it, Move

it, move it, move it, move it,

Attention!

Tuning up,

Ow,

- Ow,

Ow,

- Ow,

Ow,

- Ow,

Ow,

- Ow,

Yes, yes, Oh, yes, yes,

Marvin, you've done it!

Bernard,

Ow!

And now, "Lady of Spain,"

The song,

Ow, ow, ow, ow

Ow, ow, ow, oooow

Ow, ow, ow, ow

Ow, ow, ow, ow

Ow, ow, ow, ow

Ow, ow, ow, ow

Ow, ow, ow, ow

Ow, ow, ow, ow

Ow, ow, ow, ow

Can we have a little quiet here?

Can we have a little quiet? Quiet!

Quiet, please!

Agh!

OK, time again to raise the

intellectuaI leveI of our program,

as our paneI discusses

questions of lasting importance,

Our special guest tonight

is Miss Tiffany Gonzalez,

Allo, allo,

- Aloha, Tiffany,

And our question of

lasting importance -

"Is conversation a dying art?"

What do you think, Tiffany?

Well, yes, Kermit,

people don't know how to talk,

They speak gibberish,

They don't say nothing,

You talk to people, they don't listen,

Fabulous, I'm talking to this crazy

guy, I'm talking about war and peace,

then he tells me something about the price

of coconuts, Am I crazy or is he crazy?

What did she say?

- I don't know, I wasn't listening,

I was listening and I still

don't know what she said,

What's the matter with you?

You don't understand English?

No, I

don't understand English,

Wait a minute!

- Don't make fun of the lady's accent,

What did I say? Listen, butch, I

speak as good English as the next guy,

Yeah, if the next guy is Desi Arnaz,

Piggy, please, Girls, if you

- Excuse me, I want to talk,

Listen, you,

How would you like a high

heeI in your ham hocks?

Well, I never,

- What about conversation as a dying art?

If conversation is a

dying art, you killed it!

Piggy, please, Why don't you

let Tiffany and The Guru talk?

"Tiffany and The Guru," Didn't that

star Annette Funicello and Frankie Avalon?

I saw that movie,

- Listen, your time is almost up,

Listen to me, In my country

we have a seldom used saying:

"When the swine lubricates the

automobile you end up with a greased pig,"

That don't make sense,

I know, That's why it's seldom used,

In my country we have a saying too:

Cuando uno trabaja con

una cochinita majadera

lo que hay que hacer es darle la

amenaza de posibilidad de asesinato.

What is that supposed to mean?

That means one more crack from

you and you're one dead enchilada!

And who let this wacko

taco on the paneI?

Listen, how would you like to take

a flying leap into a sausage factory?

Don't touch me!

- OK, I'm sick and tired of you!

Come over here! Come

over here! She's a coward,

Well, the question is "is

conversation a dying art?"

And I don't think it is,

but it is severely injured,

Tune in next week when our topic will

be improving US-Latin American relations,

That Miss Moreno is easy on

the eyes, but hard on the ears,

Yes, In fact, I just got a

concussion from that discussion,

The Muppet Show. Backstage,

OK, who was it this time?

The Atomic Energy Commission,

Here's a Muppet newsflash,

There is no news tonight,

Hey, listen, Rita, At

this time in the show

Kermit, Kermit, before you go on,

- What?

I just have to tell you that I

have always been a Muppet nut,

That I love all of you so much,

A frog is very ticklish,

Hey, but listen,

This is the part of the show where we have

what we call our "talk spot," you see,

where the guest sits here and talks

casually and spontaneously with the frog,

I know, I know, but, Kermit, haven't

you ever noticed on these variety shows,

when they have a talk spot, that

the actors always come off so phony?

I mean, you know that they're rehearsed,

You know that they are reading cue cards,

Yeah, but, Rita, on our show,

on our Wait a minute

"But Rita, but Rita, on our show,

we do not use any cue cards, Rita,

on our show, we do not "

Kermit!

I was just kidding there,

- Oh, sorry,

Kermit, can't we just please do

it Muppet-style, Let's ad-lib it,

Oh, you mean ad-lib, just sort

of yeah, just make it up?

I don't mind, Sure, yeah,

just chatting, like that, Sure,

I don't mind doing that, but there

are others who might take offence,

Like who?

- Like the guy who holds the cue cards,

Nice lady no want

Sweetums to hold cue cards?

Well, I, uh

No,

Nice lady let Sweetums

hold something else?

Oh, sure, you can

hold anything you want,

Uh-huh, That best offer

me have all week, - Ahh!

Happens so often on our show, Our

guest stars just get carried away,

As all of us

right-thinking people know

Wayne and Wanda are the

only truly uplifting act

on this whole questionable program,

So, with a sense of awesome pride,

I present the singing team of Wayne

and Wanda with "Goody Goody,"

Oh, goody, goody,

So you met someone who

set you back on your heels

Goody Goody

OK, moving right along, friends,

- Stall, stall,

Yeah, OK,

Once again, by popular

demand, Mr, Fozzie Bear,

Thank you, Yeah, love you all, Yeah,

it's me again, the old Fozzie Bear,

Hickory dickory dock, a

laugh a minute by the clock,

Oh, yeah, well, you better check

your clock, It looks like it stopped,

I go with a lovely girI, She's so

bowlegged, when she stands around the house,

she stands around the house,

Hey! Hey! You remind

me of Charlton Heston,

Charlton Heston doesn't tell jokes,

Well?

Well, I'm good enough

to play the Palace,

You're not good enough

to clean the Palace,

Didn't you like my last joke?

- Yes, if you promise it's your last joke,

You-you guys wouldn't know a

good joke if you fell over one,

Well, we're not in any

danger with your act,

OK, onstage for Rita's closing number,

That's Rita, Floyd and AnimaI, please,

Onstage, onstage,

OK, Everybody ready for that closing

I'll get it, I'll get it,

- Don't! Don't answer that phone, Fozzie!

I got it, I got it,

- No, Fozzie, Do not answer that telephone,

Oh, but, Kermit, All these terrific

funny things happen when I do answer it,

I'm aware of that, I'm aware of that,

- Come on, Watch out, I'll get it,

Is there no end to this running gag?

Well, I guess that puts

an end to this running gag,

Yeah, and also to all

the incoming calls,

Never know how much I love you

Never know how much I care

When you put your arms around me

I get a fever that's so hard to bear

You give me fever

When you kiss me

Fever when you hold me tight

Fever

In the morning

Fever all through the night

Oye, buddy,

Quiero decirte que

no se debe hacer eso.

It's not nice,? Entiendes?

Mirame a mi cuando te hable.

Este es mi numero y,

si tu me fastidias mas,

te voy a dar una gaznata

que te vas a ver bobo.

So cooI it,

So cooI it,

Sun lights up the morning

Moon lights up the night

I light up when you call my name

Cos you know I'm

gonna treat you right

You give me fever

When you kiss me

Hold me tight

Fever

When you kiss me

Fever when you hold me tight

Fever all through the night

Fever

All through the night

That's my kind of woman,

Well, once again, folks, we've

come to the end of the show,

and I cannot but pause to thank our

lovely guest star, Miss Rita Moreno,

Ole.

Rita, I wish you wouldn't throw things on

the floor, We try to be neat around here,

Oh, that's OK, Kermit, He loves it,

I had lunch with him today, It's OK,

OK, if you say so, Hey, thank

you, Rita, And thank you all,

Join us next time on The Muppet Show.

Fozzie, go backstage,

I still couldn't find the chewing gum,