Episode 119: Vincent Price/transcript

It's The Muppet Show with our special

guest star, Mr, Vincent Price, Woo!

It's time to play the music

It's time to light the lights

It's time to meet the Muppets

on The Muppet Show tonight

It's time to put on makeup

It's time to dress up right

It's time to raise the curtain

on The Muppet Show tonight

Hey! I once met a vampire who was so

rich, he lived in a split-leveI coffin,

To introduce our guest star

That's what I'm here to do

So it really makes me happy

To introduce to you

Mr, Vincent Price!

But now let's get things started

On the most

sensationaI, inspirationaI

CelebrationaI, MuppetationaI

This is what we call

The Muppet Show

Thank you! Thank you,

thank you and good evening,

and welcome to a very unusuaI

edition of The Muppet Show.

Yes, things are going to be

a little bit strange tonight,

You probably can already tell,

Be prepared for the strange,

the weird and the scary

because our guest star is none other

than the crown prince of terror,

Mr, Vincent Price!

So tonight there will be no craziness,

no slapstick and no silliness

Ha ha!

Or at least not much of it,

Let the scariness begin,

I've got you

You've got me

Under my skin

Under your skin

I've got you

You've got me

Deep in the heart of me

That's very true,

So deep in my heart

Oh!

You're really a part of me

I don't wanna be a part of you!

Ã¢â?¢Âª I've got you

Ã¢â?¢Âª Under my skin

- # I've tried so

- Huh? What?

Not to give in

Get back down there,

I've said to myself this

affair never will go so well

But why should you try to resist

When, darling, I know so well

I've got you

You've got me

Under my skin

Just give me a chance here,

You'd sacrifice anything come what

might for the sake of having me near

In spite of a warning

voice that comes in the night

And repeats and repeats in your ear

Don't you know, little fooI

You never can win

Use your mentality

Wake up to reality

Yeah, but, uh

But each time I do just

the thought of you makes me

Stop before you begin

Because I've got you

You got me

Under my skin

Que sera, sera

Whatever will be will be

Ohh!

That number scared the pants off me,

Are you sure you didn't just

forget to put 'em on again?

OK, stand by for the

house of horror sketch,

Calm down, back there,

Hey, boss,

- Hm, What?

There's someone here

wanting to audition,

OK, Who is he?

- Well, it's not exactly a he,

OK, Who is she?

- Well, it's not exactly a she,

Scooter, this rather severely

limits the possibilities,

Would you please explain yourself?

- Well, it's sort of a they,

You mean there's more than one?

- Not really,

This gofer is about

to become a gone-fer,

Scooter, what are you talking about?

- Uh, that,

Hi, Mr, Frog,

Can we be on your show?

Good grief, it's a triple-header,

I'm going back to the dressing room,

- I'm going to the makeup room,

I'll wait here,

In honor of my homeland, Kermit has

asked me to do the next introduction,

We take you now to Transylvania,

to a high and brooding hill,

We take you now to

the house of horror,

Oh, Gonzo! I don't think very much of

this summer cottage you rented for us,

Yeah, I don't understand it, The

ad looked so good in the paper,

What paper was that?

- The Wampire Veekly.

The Wampire Veekly?

It does look kinda big

for just the two of us,

Wooo-ooo-ooo!

- Ohh!

The three of us,

Oh!

The four of us,

Well, at least we won't be lonely,

Someone's someone's at the

door, Someone's at the door,

Ohh, I bet it's not the Welcome Wagon,

Yep, it's not the Welcome Wagon,

Good evening,

Excuse me, but do you

have a room for the night?

You see, the road has washed out

and my horse had a flat tire,

Well, maybe I, uh

I must tell you I am not alone,

I am traveling with

my beautifuI assistant

and a hideously deformed monster,

Oh!

Hideously deformed is right,

Watch it! I'm the beautifuI assistant,

Oh, boy,

Master, I've left Toto in the coach,

Toto?

Good, good,

And now I must ask, can

you tell me what time it is?

Uh Oh, golly, my hourglass

seems to have stopped,

Oh, this is terrible! Terrible,

We're in trouble,

- Yes,

Why's that?

Because every night at

the stroke of midnight,

the master turns into

a screaming, maniacaI,

demonic, raging,

blood-lusting animaI,

And then I get mean,

What do we do?

- Quickly, quickly,

Prepare a dungeon, chains,

manacles Bind me!

Oh, no, It's too late, It's midnight,

Oh, no, something's different,

Oh, quick, what night is it?

- New Year's Eve,

Oh, no!

This is too crueI, Too inhuman,

What? What? What is? What?

Tell! Tell! What! What!

On New Year's Eve, the master

turns into Jack Parnell,

Vincent Price is the most wonderfully

scary actor since Thudge McGerk,

Heh! Thudge McGerk,

I'll never forget him, His last

film was Phantom of the Soap Opera.

Yeah, After that, he went berserk,

They say he still haunts

theatres around the world,

Three eyes, green hair, long orange

horns and big, long ugly fangs,

Horrible man, Horrible,

No!

Listen, on your way back

up, bring some popcorn,

With butter,

- Ha!

You OK?

Excuse me, frog honcho of mine,

- Mm?

Well, the triple-header is

still waiting to audition,

Oh, Well, you know, with

Vincent Price on the show,

maybe a three-headed

monster might be appropriate,

Tell me, what do you guys do?

- We sing,

No, we dance,

- No, we tell jokes,

Uh-huh, You work on television much?

Work on television much?

- Always!

Sometimes!

- Never,

I think you fellas have some problems,

Which one of you is the leader?

He is,

- He is,

She is,

- In fact, they got lots of problems,

If you're like I am, and

you certainly must be,

you are appalled and shocked at the

weird unnaturaI things going on tonight,

Here, to counter all that, the very

naturaI, the very normaI Wayne and Wanda,

I'm wild again

Beguiled again

A simpering, whimpering child again

Bewitched

Bothered and bewildered,

This part of the program

is the culturaI part,

We have to get started

now, Just a second,

Time once again, friends, to raise

the intellectuaI leveI of our program,

and tonight, our special

guest is Mr, Vincent Price,

Well, it's a pleasure

to be with you, Kermit,

In addition to his other talents,

Mr, Price is also a great cook,

So tonight's topic for

discussion is gourmet dining,

Vincent has assembled

the rest of the paneI

so I'll just let you do

the introductions, sir,

All right, Kermit, thank you,

Well, I have asked two of my

culinary friends to join us tonight,

On your immediate right is Pierre

Lacouse, one of the world's great chefs,

A pleasure,

And next to him is Gorgon Heap,

one of the world's great eaters,

Mmmaagh!

Uh, yeah, I see,

Well, starting off, now, Vincent, what would

you say is the world's most delicious dish?

Well, Kermit, you know, haute

cuisine is so varied and wonderfuI

that is a most difficult question,

but if I must choose my favorite dish,

I would have to say it is probably

escalope de veau a I'estragon.

It is delicious!

Vincent, I dislike it for

all France to disagree,

but for sheer magnificence,

nothing can compare to gigot

en epaule de pre-sale farci.

Oh, that is delicious,

Oh!

He ate my casserole,

Pierre, that is a fine dish, provided

that it is made in exactly the same way

that it was prepared by

the great chef Escoffier,

Oh, he was delicious,

He ate my hat!

- Uh

Uh, yes,

Listen, Pierre, There's one thing

I've always wanted to ask you,

Ah, oui. Uh!

But it's a little late now,

Uh, Vincent,

Who is this guy, anyhow?

- Say, you look delicious,

Wait a second, Get away

from me, you hulking creep!

Vincent, can you stop him, please?

- Froggie, you have to admit,

you do look tasty,

Tune in next week when our topic

for discussion will be

I know I'm a bit of a deviI,

but I do love frogs' legs,

This show should be reported to

the consumer protection agency,

Why?

- The host was just consumed,

Don't count on it,

Hey, this is our box, fella!

Let me see your ticket stub,

I'm going into the moving business,

Really? Locally?

- No,

Ghost to ghost,

Oh!

I'm simply starving,

Can't we stop for a bite?

Delighted, my dear,

That man is absolutely batty,

- Huh,

Why do you say that?

Why don't we stop and have a drink?

We can't,

- Why not?

They don't serve spirits here,

You know, my mother said if I

worked hard, I could get ahead,

Oh, well, here it is,

Ooh!

- # I'm looking through you

- Weee!

- # Where did you go?

- Hee hee hee hee!

- # I thought I knew you

- Oooh!

- # What did I know?

- Yeeeeeee!

You don't look different

but you have changed

I'm looking through you

You're not to blame

Your lips are moving

- # I cannot hear

- Woo woo woo woo!

Your voice is soothing

But the words aren't clear

You don't sound different

I've learnt the game

I'm looking through you

You're not the same

Why, tell me why, did

you not treat me right?

Love has a nasty habit

of disappearing overnight

You're thinking of me

The same old way

You were above me

But not today

The only difference

is you're down there

I'm looking through you

And you're nowhere

Boo!

Hey, Vincent, I really thank you

for coming on this show tonight

and so do all the Muppet monsters,

- Well, thank you, Kermit,

I never met a monster I didn't like,

- I can believe it,

Hey, can I ask you a question?

- Yes, of course,

In all the scary movies

you've done through the years,

well, you're always turning into a

vampire, Well, how do you do that?

How do you do that? That is so scary,

Well, Kermit, if you

will forgive the modesty,

that is perhaps the epitome

of the actor's craft,

It takes tremendous concentration,

years of physicaI and emotionaI training

and enormous mentaI exertion,

Do you understand?

- Oh, sure,

Oh, well, some people

learn faster than others,

By the way, I thought your

wife was coming tonight,

The old bat couldn't come,

The rest of 'em sure made it,

Kermit,

- Kermit,

Kermit,

- Uh, what, what, what?

When do we go on?

Listen, I'm sorry, fellas, but there

is no place for you in the show tonight,

But what about our big song?

Good grief, All right, What big song?

What else? "Tea For Three,"

Out, out, out!

Who writes this stuff, anyway?

- Who else?

The ghostwriter,

Here is a Muppet news flash.

Our newsroom has been

flooded with calls today,

reporting that furniture all over

town has been turning into monsters.

Seven people have

allegedly been attacked

by a wandering pack of sofas

at the east edge of town.

A dining-room table set for eight

reportedly ate the eight it was set for.

When contacted for

comment, Sheriff David Coles

assured Muppet News central

that the rumor was false.

According to Coles, there is no way for a

piece of furniture to turn into a monster.

Scientists throughout

the city confirmed

that such an occurrence

would be impossible.

Inanimate objects cannot

turn into monsters. Still

The mass hysteria could be due to what

psychologists are calling "furnophobia, "

a dread fear of the rising

prices of home furnishings.

The phenomena does seem to relate

to the cost-of-living

increase during the past month.

But people are advised to relax,

secure in the knowledge that their

furniture will not turn into a monster.

And that's all tonight

from Muppet News. Goodnight.

Boy, that last item about

furniture is ridiculous,

This is ridiculous, I

can't find Hilda anywhere,

Oh, well, I guess I'll just have

to carry this stuff up myself,

Ooh, excuse me, Mr, Price,

- Yes?

Can I give you a hand?

- Oh, please,

Here,

That's my kind of joke,

Hey, guys, I hear you're not

gonna make it on the show tonight,

Kermit didn't like our song,

- But it doesn't matter,

We got a new act,

- Oh, yeah? Tell me what's the new act?

Well, you see, I'm the straight man,

- I'm the comic,

And I'm the audience,

- That way, no matter how bad we are

we'll always love us,

Yeah, like, say, who was that

lady I saw you with last night?

That was no lady, that

was a pawn shop sign,

We're a hit! We're a hit!

- Yeah, we're superstars,

They love us!

- So long, Fozzie,

I never thought I'd be jealous

of a guy with three heads,

Hm,

My youngest boy is very

interested in medicine,

Oh, he's a doctor?

No, A hospitaI,

Well, that just about brings these

strange proceedings to an end,

Let's have a special thanks to

our guest star, Mr, Vincent Price,

Hey, Vincent, you were

really super tonight,

Hey, let's give him another hand,

- Oh, no, Kermit, let me give you one, huh?

Will you cut that out? We'll see

you all next time on The Muppet Show.

Well, that's easy for you to say,