Episode 110: Harvey Korman/transcript

It's The Muppet Show, with our

special guest star Mr, Harvey Korman!

It's time to play the music

It's time to light the lights

It's time to meet the Muppets

on The Muppet Show tonight

It's time to put on makeup

It's time to dress up right

It's time to raise the curtain

on The Muppet Show tonight

My house is so dirty my dog buries

his bones in the living-room carpet,

I don't understand it either,

To introduce our guest star

That's what I'm here to do

So it really makes me happy

To introduce to you

Mr, Harvey Korman!

But now let's get things started

on the most sensationaI, inspirationaI

CelebrationaI, MuppetationaI

This is what we call

The Muppet Show

Thank you, thank you, thank you,

Hello, everybody, and

welcome to The Muppet Show.

Hey, we got a great

show for you tonight,

and our special guest is one of the funniest

people in the business, Harvey Korman,

But right now, we'd like to open

the show tonight on a high note

Well, that's better than

opening it with a bang,

Did somebody say "bang"?

- No!

Huh!

Ah, you can't win 'em all,

- Huh!

Can you hold it down up there, please?

Right now let's get things started

with Dr, Teeth and the Electric Mayhem,

Yeah, this is Dr, Teeth, and it's

time to boogie, Three, four

I'm gonna explode an atom bomb

- # Doo doo skiddley doo

- # And blow a hole in your souI

- # Doo doo skiddley bam

- # I'm gonna explode an atom bomb

- # Doo doo skiddley doo

- # And blow a hole in your souI

Doo doo skiddley bam

I'm gonna get through to

you, baby, before I lose controI

I'll break down your resistance

with every trick in sight

I know I'm gonna

make you happy, baby

I'm gonna light some dynamite

- # Doo doo skiddley doo

- # And blow open your heart

- # Doo doo skiddley bam

- # I'm gonna light some dynamite

- # Doo doo skiddley bam

- # And blow open your heart

Ã¢â?¢Âª Doo doo skiddley bam

I'm gonna light some dynamite

and blast a tunneI to your love

That's heavy, man,

- I like that,

Well, that was a great number,

I've always liked pantomime,

That wasn't pantomime, Your

hearing aid's busted again,

What?

Uh, I thought some of you might like to

know a little bit more about our drummer,

whom we affectionately

refer to as AnimaI,

AnimaI,

That's his name, actually, AnimaI,

why don't you tell our audience,

how long have you

been playing the drums?

Uh, ah

One,

Two,

Three,

Four,

Five, For five years,

- Yeah, Five,

Yes, OK, Well, I guess your drums

mean a great deaI to you, huh?

Oh, yeah,

Mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah,

Yeah,

- Mwah, Oh, nice,

You like them more

than food, I guess, huh?

They are food, Eat drums, eat cymbals,

How symbolic,

Bad pun,

- Yeah,

Listen, I imagine you

have a lot of idols,

Oh, yeah, yeah,

Buddy Rich?

- Oh, yeah, yeah,

Gene Krupa?

- Yeah, Krupa, Krupa,

Tony Checkers?

- To Huh?

He's our new drummer,

He begins next week,

Oh!

Then again, maybe not,

My insides are killing me,

- Oh, ulcers?

No, Movers,

Ladies and gentlemen, we present

now what is considered to be

the most dangerous animaI

act in the entire world,

The incomparable Harvey Korman, better

known as Maurice the Magnificent!

Hyah!

Thank you, Now, please, shh! Shh!

You must keep quiet, You don't know,

but the thing goes berserk

when it hears loud noises,

I hate this, But

let's get it over with,

Open the cage!

It looks particularly

vicious this evening,

What a horrible animaI,

Well, I must ask you -

this is very important -

when it comes out,

don't anyone scream,

It'll tear us all to

ribbons if anyone screams,

Shh!

All right, Out,

Out, you demon! Out!

Well, this is Shh!

Someone someone check

Someone check the first

row, I think a lady fainted,

No, no, no, no, no!

Not you, you demon, Back! I said back,

Back!

Back!

Sit, you demon! Sit!

Over here, you

Now, listen to me,

Give me your full attention,

Speak,

Speak, you demon, speak!

I hardly know where to begin,

I was rereading Balzac the

other day, only in translation

Enough!

Mm, you're very good

with that whip, Maurice,

Quiet!

- Maurice is such a good animaI trainer,

He got so much patience and

courage and persistence

Shut up! You

black-hearted hell hound,

And love,

What a sweet man,

Get away from me!

Get away!

Now, boy, listen to me,

Here's the best part,

I hate it, but it's the best part,

Listen, boy, I want you to dance,

Dance, you demon, dance!

Come on, dance, Move it!

Dance, ballerina, dance!

Move it!

That's it, More Iyric, That's it,

- Oh,

This is really an easy trick,

I wanted to ride a pony around the

stage, but Maurice is afraid of ponies,

Dance, Come on, you meaty lummox!

Dance!

Dance!

Waltz,

Dance, you beast,

What are you doing?

What are you doing?

What are you doing? No! No!

Somebody stop him, Somebody stop him!

Help! Help!

Help! He's run amuck! He's run amuck!

Someone help me! Help!

Thank you, Thank you,

OK, once again it is time to

raise Just a second, everyone,

Once again, it's time to raise the

intellectuaI leveI of the program

as we address ourselves to the topic,

"What is the meaning of life?"

Indeed,

- Of course,

Hear, hear,

- It's a fairly simple subject,

Let's start off with our guest

panelist, Mr, Harvey Korman,

Thank you, I think that life is

a great deaI like a tennis game,

Oh, no, it isn't,

Oh, yes, it is,

No, it isn't,

- Yes, it is,

No, it isn't,

- Yes, it is,

Life is nothing like a tennis game,

In a pig's eye, it isn't,

- Is that some kind of slam at me?

The ball is in your court, Harvey,

The score is pig, five, guest, nothing,

Well, it's the first time

that pig's scored in her life,

Wait a minute, wait a minute

- Out of the way, Let me get through there,

Can we have a little order here, please?

- Yeah, I'll have a ham and cheese on rye,

That is the most insulting

thing I ever heard,

Listen, life is a garbage

dump, if you want the truth,

I think that my originaI analysis that

life is a tennis game will stand up,

Well, I'm standing up, I'm sick of

- Please, sit down, sit down,

You really think life is

like a tennis game, huh?

Is a pig pork?

- What's that supposed to mean?

Yeah, it means, uh,

yes, I agree, of course,

Life is like a tennis game, That's

as clear as the nose on your face,

That's some honker you got there,

How would you like a pig

knuckle sandwich, you

Oh, take it to the deli, lady,

Please, please, We are digressing,

We are digressing, Can we at last get

back to the issue? And the issue is life,

Oh, I have the last issue of Life.

- What?

Yeah, before they stopped publishing,

Could be worth a pretty penny,

Hey, I knew a pretty Penny once,

Penny Ferguson, Used to be a dancer,

I love to dance,

- Hey, what are you doing after the show?

I've got a date,

- Oh, well,

That's life,

Once again we've solved the problem,

- We did, We solved it,

Join us again next week when our subject

will be, "Is conversation a dying art?"

Yeah, you can get quite an

education watching this show,

Are we watching the same show?

Oh, my beloved George, even though

we come from two different worlds

I find myself strangely

attracted to you,

Yeah, I feeI the same way,

You mean you're attracted to me?

No, To me, Weird, huh?

Say, how do you think

I'd look in a porkpie hat?

Oh, no, you couldn't, It'd be

like wearing one of our relatives,

Hey, do you wanna come over to my

place and listen to the Beatles?

Oh, I love their music,

What music? I mean reaI beetles,

And some termites, and some

Boy, does that guy have a swelled head,

- Conceited, huh?

No, he's just got a

swelled head, Look out!

Hi, Harvey, Hey, you know what?

You know, we've been up all

night worrying about ecology,

I'm right in the middle of a show, I

don't have time to worry about ecology,

Well, it's easy for you, but if all

those trees go, we're in big trouble,

It's really great working with dogs,

Yeah?

All right, everybody, let's jam,

Jam! Jam!

Do it, AnimaI!

Jam!

Oh, yeah, yeah,

Mmm,

Yeah!

Whoa, I love him!

Come on! Yeah!

Jam!

Ow!

Yeah!

Jam! Jam!

Yeah!

Jam!

- All right!

Wah!

Yeah!

Jam!

Jam!

- Whoo!

Jam!

- Go, AnimaI!

Jam!

Jam!

Yeah!

Jam, jam, jam, jam!

Jam, jam, jam!

Jam, jam!

Jam! Jam! Jam!

- Come on!

Whoo! Jam!

Thank you very much,

Jam! Jam!

Jam! Jam! Jam!

Now, how are you

enjoying the show, Harvey?

Well, I don't know,

Oh, well, that's funny, you know,

When I ask that, most of our guest

stars say they're having a great time,

Yeah, well,

- Aren't you having a great time?

You know, Kermit, you and I

are good friends, aren't we?

You want me to tell you

the truth, don't you?

Only if you're having a great time,

Otherwise you have my

permission to lie like crazy,

I can't lie to you, I've

got to tell you how I feeI,

"All right," says the frog,

preparing himself to face the music,

"What is the major problem?"

The major problem is that I

I'm the only human being on this show,

How how's that again?

You heard me, I'm the

token person around here,

Gee, We've never had

that complaint before,

Yeah, well, you got it now, How'd you

like to sit around the dressing room

surrounded by dogs and

frogs and pigs and chickens?

Gee, I've never really

thought about it,

Yeah, well, think about it, I mean,

on other shows you get stage fright,

Here you get

hoof-and-mouth disease,

Gee, Harvey, I didn't realize you dislike

dogs and frogs and pigs and chickens,

No, I like dogs and frogs and pigs

and chickens, That's not the point,

The point is I just feeI funny about

being the only human being here,

Don't you understand?

- Oh! Oh!

Well, I can fix that,

Hey, guys, come on in,

Wait a minute,

- Take care of him,

Please, Wait, no, Stop, Wait,

no, hold it, Wait, Please,

Piggy, please, I'm

ticklish, Please, no, Argh!

That's right,

- That's better,

Oh, well, Does that make

you feeI better, Harvey?

I'm sorry, I don't have time

to talk now, Kermit, I

I've got to get

backstage and lay an egg,

Well, to me there's nothing

funny about chickens,

What the?

Ooh! Ooh! Ow!

And now,

"Veterinarian's Hospital, "

the continuing story of a former

orthopedic surgeon who's gone to the dogs.

Anesthetic,

- Anesthetic, Dr, Bob,

Is this operation really nec?

ScalpeI, No, suture, Suture,

- Suture, Dr, Bob,

Suture, Suture, Yeah, ScalpeI,

- ScalpeI, Dr, Bob,

Argh!

- Ooh!

How long have you been a nurse?

- Well, what time is it?

Dr, Bob, your hand is

shaking, What's the trouble?

That's my nerves, I'm

overworked and underpaid,

This is my tenth operation

today, The hours are interminable,

Yes, but we must get

on with this operation,

This man has a bad case of hiccups,

It must be gas,

Oh, he's in bad shape,

- He's in bad shape?

What about me? Doesn't

anybody ever think about me?

We're losing time, Dr, Bob,

- So?

I'm losing my mind, Day in and

day out it's the same old routine,

Oh, but, Dr, Bob

I'm up to my ears in debt, my wife is

leaving me, I'm being sued for malpractice,

And all you can say is, "But, Dr, Bob,"

But, Dr, Bob,

- But, Dr, Bob,

I tell you, I'm telling you, I'm

so on edge I'm about to explode!

So Dr. Bob is going to

pieces, and so is his patient.

Tune in next week, when

we'll hear the nurse say

Dr, Bob, You've gotta

pull yourself together,

I'll try,

- Not you, him,

I'd better quit while I'm ahead,

Oh!

I often get a tear in my eye

when I introduce this next act,

Oh, Oh!

There's one right there, you see?

You see, because they represent to me

the very best this show has to offer,

Indeed, the very best

this country has to offer,

So here they are now, just as

sweet offstage as they are on,

Wayne and Wanda,

Oh, I need a hanky,

I get no kick from champagne

Mere alcohoI doesn't

thrill me at all

So tell me why should it be true

That I get a kick

Ow!

Now, you see why

Company ten-hut!

Forward hut!

Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut!

Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut!

Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut!

How do you get out of

this chicken outfit?

What do you want?

What? Huh!

OK, time once again for

that furry fuzzy funnyman,

fabulous, freewheeling,

fast and frantic Fozzie Bear!

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey,

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,

Not so fast, Tonight, I am

going to use your assistance,

Oh, yeah?

- Yes, sir,

You and I are going to tell

the world's funniest joke,

Is that right?

- This is all spontaneous, Unrehearsed,

Right, Froggie?

- It's unrehearsed, Yes,

OK, OK, Now, frog of my heart

- Yes,

You will just wait untiI

I say the word "here,"

When you hear me say the word "here,"

you will rush up to me and say:

"Good grief, the comedian's a bear,"

Good grief, the comedian's a bear,

- Check,

When you say the word "here"?

- Right,

Gotcha,

- OK, here we go,

Ready? OK, here we go, Now then,

Hiya, hiya, hiya! You're a

wonderfuI-looking audience,

It's a pleasure to be here, I

Good grief, the comedian's a bear!

- Not yet!

You just said "here,"

- That was the wrong "here,"

Which is the right "here"?

- The other "here,"

Right,

- Go, go, go, OK,

Hey, hey, folks, This is a

story you're gonna love to hear,

Good grief, the comedian's a bear!

- Will you stop it?!

But you said "here,"

- Not that "here,"

Well, which "here"?

- Another "here,"

How am I gonna know?

- You'll know when you hear!

Good grief, the comedian's a bear!

- Not now!

All right, All right, Listen,

- Yes, What?

You will know when I point to you,

All right, Don't grumble,

Say, a funny thing happened to

me on the way to the theatre,

At the stage door, I passed a bunch

of Muppet fans, and suddenly I hear

Good grief, the comedian's a bear,

No, he's a-not, he's

a-wearing a neck-a-tie,

Ha ha! Ha ha!

Did you understand that joke?

- No,

But I don't speak Italian,

Here is a Muppet news flash,

Middleweight champion CarI Boomer says

that since he has defeated all

challengers in the middleweight ranks,

he will defend his title

next week against himself,

We go now to Boomer's

training camp, Tell us, CarI,

do you think this

will be a tough fight?

Well, Muppet reporter, it will

probably be one of my toughest,

but I think I will be able to

knock myself out in the tenth round,

In the first few rounds, I will work on

my body blows, Be-dah-bah-bah! De-bah-bah!

Then I'll go for my head,

Be-dah-bah-bah-bah-bah!

CarI's body may last two rounds,

but I think his head has

already gone down for the count,

Halfway down the stairs

Is a stair where I sit

There isn't any other

stair quite like it

I'm not at the bottom

I'm not at the top

So this is the stair

where I always stop

Halfway up the stairs

Isn't up and isn't down

It isn't in the nursery

It isn't in the town

And all sorts of funny thoughts

Run round my head

"It isn't really anywhere"

"It's somewhere else instead"

Halfway down the stairs

Is a stair where I sit

There isn't any other

stair quite like it

I'm not at the bottom

I'm not at the top

So this is the stair

Where I always stop

Well, that's about all we can squeeze

into a half-hour for this week,

We've had a great time, and we'd specially

like to thank our very talented guest star

Chicken Little,

Now stop that,

- Oh, I'm sorry about that, Harv,

Mr, Harvey Korman! And we'll see

you all next week on The Muppet Show!

Well, the show tonight

certainly didn't lay an egg,

Wanna bet?