Episode 221: Bob Hope/transcript

00:00:08 [Knocking]

00:00:10 Bob Hope! Fifteen seconds to curtain, Mr. Hope.

00:00:13 Oh, thank you, Scooter.

00:00:15 You know, Bob, I think you're an incredibly talented human being.

00:00:19 I mean, you're a comic genius.

00:00:22 Aw, thank you, Gonzo. I love doing this show.

00:00:25 Yeah. If your nose weren't so small you'd probably be a big star like me.

00:00:30 I hate doing this show.

00:00:35 It's The Muppet Show with our special guest star, Mr. Bob Hope.

00:00:40 [Applause and whistling]

00:00:54 # Lt's time to play the music Lt's time to light the light

00:00:58 # Lt's time to meet the Muppets on The Muppet Show tonight

00:01:02 # Lt's time to put on makeup Lt's time to dress up right

00:01:06 # Lt's time to get things started

00:01:08 Why us?

00:01:10 # Lt's time to get things started

00:01:12 # On the most sensational, inspirational

00:01:15 # Celebrational, Muppetational

00:01:17 # This is what we call The Muppet Show #

00:01:25 [laughing]

00:01:30 - [Applause] - Thank you, thank you, thank you!

00:01:33 Thank you and welcome to The Muppet Show.

00:01:35 Hey, we are lucky because do you know who our guest star is?

00:01:39 Who? Who? Who? Who? Who?

00:01:42 Who, frog, who? Who? Who? Who?

00:01:44 Our guest star is Bob Hope!

00:01:46 - [Applause] - Bob Hope!

00:01:48 - Yeah! - Bob Hope! Bob Hope!

00:01:50 Bob Hope! Bob Hope! Who Hope?

00:01:54 Will you stop bugging me? Go do something to calm down.

00:01:57 Go find a hobby or something.

00:01:59 Ah! Hobby!

00:02:01 - Hobby! Hobby! Hobby! Hobby! - Hobby.

00:02:04 - Hobby! Hobby! - Wonderful.

00:02:07 OK. Where were we now?

00:02:08 Hobby! Hobby!

00:02:11 - Hobby! Hobby! - Yes, we were at the opening number.

00:02:16 The opening number, here it is, ladies and gentlemen. Calypso time!

00:02:22 [Calypso music playing]

00:02:58 [Miss Piggy trilling]

00:03:18 Yoo-hoo!

00:03:28 [Trilling] Ya-ha!

00:04:00 What? Hiyah!

00:04:03 Hee!

00:04:07 Hm. I like the steel drums.

00:04:11 - What? - The pigs' steel drums.

00:04:14 I believe it. They'd take anything that's not nailed down.

00:04:20 Hey, pigs, yeah. Hoy, hoy, whatever.

00:04:23 Yes, yes!

00:04:25 Oh, Kermit, Kermit, listen.

00:04:26 I just stopped by Bob Hope's dressing room and you know what?

00:04:30 Hm?

00:04:31 He was not there.

00:04:33 Uh, yeah, I know. He's across town doing another show.

00:04:37 He... He hasn't even done this show!

00:04:40 Well, he promised he'd be back. He's doing a benefit.

00:04:42 He's doing a disappearing act.

00:04:44 Look, Fozzie, Bob Hope is the busiest man in show business.

00:04:48 He's a humanitarian. He does benefits all the time.

00:04:50 - He'll be back. - Oh.

00:04:52 [Floyd] Yeah, Animal, go get 'em! Go get 'em!

00:04:54 - Hey, look out there! - What's going on?

00:04:57 Hey, Kermit. Remember you told Animal he should take up a hobby

00:05:00 to calm his nerves?

00:05:02 - What kind of hobby did he take up? - Alligator wrestling.

00:05:05 Yeah, get him, baby!

00:05:08 Nice try.

00:05:11 Yeah, come on, Animal. Open it.

00:05:18 Hey!

00:05:20 Now, ladies and gentlemen, it's time for me to introduce

00:05:23 a man whose reputation is so great

00:05:25 that I don't know how to make a suitable introduction.

00:05:29 [Stammering] A long one would be suitable.

00:05:32 - What? - He's not here yet.

00:05:37 Uh... yes, ladies and gentlemen. There's really no need

00:05:40 to go into Bob Hope's past triumphs in film, radio and television.

00:05:45 But we may have to.

00:05:48 Psst.

00:05:49 - Kermit! - Uh, Fozzie, is he here yet?

00:05:51 No, I'm just going out to lunch.

00:05:55 Can I get... Can I get you anything?

00:05:57 - Bob Hope! - Uh, no.

00:05:59 Sorry, you have to settle for pastrami on rye.

00:06:03 Oh, oh, he's here!

00:06:04 - He's here! - Oh, yeah?

00:06:09 Bob! Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Bob Hope!

00:06:11 [Applause]

00:06:14 Thank you.

00:06:15 Thank you. Thank you, Kermit.

00:06:17 It's been a ball doing the show. Maybe we can do it again sometime.

00:06:20 - Good night. - Wait a minute!

00:06:22 You can't go now. You just got here.

00:06:24 I'm sorry, Kermit. I'm on a very tight schedule.

00:06:27 But you didn't even say, "This is Bob 'happy to be on The Muppet Show' Hope".

00:06:31 I know, but I...

00:06:32 Not even one, "What I want to tell ya..."

00:06:34 - I'm sorry. - Or even, "Seriously, folks."

00:06:37 Wait a minute. You just did my whole act.

00:06:41 Yeah, but with no jokes.

00:06:43 That's my act.

00:06:44 Kermit, I have to do a testimonial, but I'll be back.

00:06:47 It'll be too late.

00:06:49 No, it won't. I'm taking the Concord. How long can that take?

00:06:53 - If we land. - I know, but uh...

00:06:56 Kermit, I'm sorry, but I've already cancelled one benefit to be here.

00:07:00 - You did? - Yes. For the Flying Zucchini Brothers.

00:07:03 - You ever hear of them? - Yeah, I have.

00:07:06 Tell them I'm sorry if you ever see them.

00:07:08 I don't plan to. They were terrible.

00:07:10 Excuse me, Mr. Hope.

00:07:11 Kermit, did you book the human cannonball act,

00:07:14 - the Flying Zucchini Brothers? - Of course not.

00:07:16 - Well, they're here. - [Shouting in Italian]

00:07:21 Call the embassy! Call the police!

00:07:24 Call Angie Dickinson. Call Columbo!

00:07:27 - Well, Bob Hope is gone. - I'm not surprised.

00:07:30 It's what I've always said about this show.

00:07:33 "There's no hope."

00:07:35 Would you repeat that?

00:07:37 Of course not. I'm sorry I said it in the first place.

00:07:40 I should hope so.

00:08:07 [# For What Lt's Worth]

00:08:41 - Oh! Oh! - There's one there!

00:08:45 - Someone shoot it. - Hey!

00:09:30 Aaah!

00:09:32 Ooh, whoo, tear it up!

00:09:34 [Laughing]

00:10:29 [Laughing]

00:10:31 Hey, what did you get?

00:10:34 Oh, I shot me a motorsickle.

00:10:36 [Laughing]

00:10:38 Oh. I got me a tractor.

00:10:40 [Laughing]

00:10:41 I wounded me the biggest cement truck you ever saw.

00:10:57 [Applause]

00:11:03 [Newsman] Here is a Muppet news flash.

00:11:07 Today is the opening day of the fishing season.

00:11:10 [Gunshots]

00:11:17 - OK. Moving right along now... - Excuse me, Kermit?

00:11:19 That human cannonball act just called.

00:11:22 They're gonna send Bob Hope back.

00:11:23 - When's he gonna get here? - Soon.

00:11:25 They're sending him by cannon.

00:11:27 [Explosion]

00:11:31 [Crashing]

00:11:35 Uh, uh... Hi, Bob.

00:11:38 Eat your heart out, Concord.

00:11:41 Uh, how did you like the trip?

00:11:43 Oh, I love traveling by cannonball.

00:11:45 After all, I'm a high-caliber performer.

00:11:48 Yeah, well, you really made a hit on our stage.

00:11:51 I know, but I think the carpenters can fix it.

00:11:56 Don't worry about it. It's great to have you back with us.

00:11:59 Now we can sit and listen to one of those wonderful Bob Hope monologues.

00:12:03 Are you kidding? I'm already late for my next benefit,

00:12:05 The Japanese Pole Vaulters Retirement Fund.

00:12:09 The Japanese Pole Vaulters Retirement Fund?

00:12:12 - Then you're going away again? - No, I invited them here!

00:12:15 [Shouting]

00:12:21 It's a pleasure to be with all of you pole vaulters tonight.

00:12:24 These guys must go over more bars than Dean Martin's elbow.

00:12:29 Come on to my dressing room, huh?

00:12:31 [Shouting]

00:12:37 Well, there goes our guest star.

00:12:39 There goes everybody's guest star.

00:12:45 [Singing in mock Swedish]

00:12:56 [Speaking mock Swedish]

00:13:06 [Quacks]

00:13:07 [Speaking in mock Swedish]

00:13:15 [Quacking]

00:13:17 [Mock Swedish]

00:13:29 - [Quacking] - Hm?

00:13:37 [Newsman] Here is a Muppet news flash.

00:13:41 This is the opening night of the opera season...

00:13:43 [soprano holding high note]

00:13:50 [# Pathetique Piano Sonata]

00:14:17 Rowlf, the show's running long. Make it as short as you can.

00:14:21 [Song ends]

00:14:29 [# Long, Long Ago]

00:16:29 Dr. Bunsen Honeydew here at Muppet Labs,

00:16:31 where the future is being made today. Here is my assistant, Beaker,

00:16:35 to demonstrate the Muppets' all-new automatic wastebasket.

00:16:40 Yes, audience, this should end your trash disposal problems forever.

00:16:44 Whatever the refuse, this little doozy can handle it.

00:16:47 Show them, Beaker, my lad.

00:16:49 [Growling]

00:16:52 Thank you. More, please.

00:16:54 Let's see another example, Beaker.

00:16:58 More! More!

00:16:59 Lmagine never having to empty a wastebasket again.

00:17:02 - More! More, more! - Order your wastebasket today.

00:17:05 It comes in both regular or housebroken models.

00:17:08 - Want more! Want more. - Shh!

00:17:09 Do try to keep him quiet, Beaker, please.

00:17:12 More, more!

00:17:15 and we'll send you a Muppet wastebasket.

00:17:18 [Beaker screaming]

00:17:23 [Beaker struggling]

00:17:25 It's the most consistent show I've seen.

00:17:28 Yes, they get worse every single week.

00:17:30 [Laughing]

00:17:32 OK, well, moving right along now, folks...

00:17:39 - Hi, Kermit. - Bob, what are you doing here?

00:17:42 - Well, I'm ready. - For what?

00:17:44 My monologue. I just finished the last of my benefit performances

00:17:48 - and the rest of the day is all yours. - Oh. Well, um...

00:17:50 Gee... [gulping]

00:17:52 ...we don't have time for your monologue now.

00:17:54 What? Well, why not?

00:17:57 Well, Gonzo the Great is on next.

00:17:58 He's gonna do his impersonations of bread.

00:18:02 I've seen Gonzo's impersonations of bread.

00:18:04 He's backstage now, loafing around.

00:18:08 [Laughing] That's very good, but I can't disappoint him.

00:18:11 He's been practicing his pumpernickel for weeks.

00:18:14 But he's left crumbs all over the backstage.

00:18:16 Yeah, I met some of them.

00:18:19 Sorry about that.

00:18:20 But, Bob, if you want, you could do the cowboy sketch at the end.

00:18:23 The cowboy sketch? Is it good?

00:18:25 Is it good? The cowboy sketch is terrific. I was gonna do it myself,

00:18:29 - but it's yours. - Oh, that's great.

00:18:31 The cowboy sketch sounds better than a monologue.

00:18:34 Kermit, Kermit! Cancel my bread impersonations act.

00:18:37 - Why? What happened? - They didn't deliver my poppy seeds.

00:18:41 You wouldn't want me to work out there naked, would you?

00:18:45 Why not? You've got the crust for it.

00:18:49 Well, listen, Kermit.

00:18:50 Just because my bread impersonations are canceled,

00:18:53 don't think that you can talk me into doing that lousy cowboy sketch, OK?

00:18:57 [Stammering]

00:19:01 You know how it feels to be conned by a frog?

00:19:06 Do you?

00:19:08 [Floyd singing]

00:19:10 Animal's still not alligator wrestling, is he?

00:19:12 Oh, no, man. He gave that up.

00:19:14 Said it was too easy.

00:19:17 Yeah, he's taken up bowling now.

00:19:20 Oh, well, that's much better. Much better and much safer.

00:19:23 Mm... I don't know, man.

00:19:25 Animal bowls overhand.

00:19:28 - [Both screaming] - [Gonzo screaming] What's that?

00:19:33 [Animal] Strike!

00:19:37 [# Nola: A Silhouette for Piano]

00:20:11 Growing up down on the lily pad,

00:20:14 I never thought I'd be standing on a stage introducing Bob Hope.

00:20:17 But by the same token, I bet he never thought he'd be introduced by a frog.

00:20:22 But here he is now, in the famous cowboy sketch.

00:20:26 I'll get you for this, frog.

00:20:28 Just get on the horse, Bob. It'll be great.

00:20:31 Here he is in that very famous cowboy sketch.

00:20:34 Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Bob Hope!

00:20:42 Well, here I am, out in the wide open spaces at last.

00:20:46 Alone with the sagebrush and the silence.

00:20:50 Hey, Hope, what do you say we stop for a beer?

00:20:53 My luck. I'm stuck with a talking horse.

00:20:56 What's the matter? You don't like the little conversation?

00:20:59 Not with some two-bit horse.

00:21:01 I'm not a two-bit horse.

00:21:03 Oh, yeah? You bit me twice.

00:21:05 [Laughing]

00:21:07 Yeah, well, you deserved it.

00:21:09 Your spurs are as cold as ice.

00:21:11 Why don't you lose some weight?

00:21:14 Now I know why they call them nags.

00:21:17 - Are you ready to do the song? - Sure, why not?

00:21:20 But wait. We're in the desert. Where's the music coming from?

00:21:24 Oh, there's a tape deck in the saddle.

00:21:29 Stereophonic horse.

00:21:31 [Laughing]

00:21:37 [# Don't Fence Me Ln]

00:22:48 Say, Hope, what are you doing out here? You're not a real cowboy.

00:22:52 Are you kidding? I've got a big spread in Texas.

00:22:57 Yeah. Got one south of the border, too. [Laughing]

00:23:01 Oh, a fat joke, huh?

00:23:02 Yeah, I suppose now you'll get even with a swayback joke.

00:23:06 Well, that last joke goes "swayback".

00:23:09 [Laughing]

00:23:10 I can't take this much longer. When's this song end?

00:23:13 We got eight bars to go.

00:23:15 Well, I hope one of them has a lunch counter.

00:23:19 A funny horse!

00:23:20 I bet on them all the time.

00:23:24 [# Don't Fence Me Ln]

00:23:49 [Whinnying]

00:24:02 OK. Well, we could go on forever. But we'll give you a break

00:24:06 and bring this episode of The Muppet Show to a close.

00:24:08 But before we do, let's have a warm thank you

00:24:11 for our very special guest star. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Bob Hope!

00:24:15 [Applause and whistling]

00:24:17 Hey, thank you very much. Thank you, Kermit.

00:24:19 - Thank you. Taxi! - Hey, wait!

00:24:22 [Shouting]

00:24:24 - [Gunshot] - What was that?

00:24:26 Animal's got a new hobby. He's taken up hunting.

00:24:30 - Hunting! - [Animal shouting]

00:24:32 Bunny rabbit! Bunny rabbit!

00:24:37 Booma-booma!

00:24:39 Yeah, booma-booma.

00:24:42 This isn't happening. This is just a hangover. I know it.

00:24:45 [Animal shouting]

00:24:46 - It'll be better in the morning. - Bunny rabbit!

00:24:49 We'll see you next time, if there is one, on The Muppet Show!

00:25:29 Hey, doesn't Hope usually sing Thanks For the Memories?

00:25:32 Why would he want to remember this?