Episode 512: Melissa Manchester/transcript

Who are you?

Uh, I'm Melissa Manchester. Maybe you can help me. My agent booked me onto this weird thing called, uh, The Muppet Show. Am I in the right place?

[mayhem ensues]

Check! I'm in the right place.

"The Muppet Show Theme"

Thank, thank you, and welcome once again to The Muppet Show. And, tonight our very special guest star is the great singer and songwriter Melissa Manchester. Yes. But first, through the miracle of costly special effects, we whisk you away to the high Alps. So, please welcome the Vienna Downhill Boys Choir with their alpine anthem "Tumbling Tumbleweeds" yaay!

"Tumbling Tumbleweeds"

Aw, we should have wished them luck.

It's too late now.

It's never too late.

Break a leg! Break a leg!

Oh boy, it's a disaster.

Doctor, will I ever be able to ski again?

Uh, what do you mean again?

Listen, you should have taken lessons.

Well, I did. I took lessons from the famous Claus Noodleman.

You did?

Yeah. Hey, Claus.

Oh, hi Charlie. How'd it go?

What do you think?

Did you do everything I told ya?

Everything.

Figures.

Uh, listen Scooter, if I come up with any more dumb ideas like that, stop me.

Right. Uh, shall I cancel the blindfolded yodeling hang glider?

Of course not. I said dumb ideas.

Okay, well, now that we've gotten off the ski slopes and lived to tell about it. It's time for some real entertainment. Ladies and gentlemen, one of the truly great singers, Melissa Manchester. "We Don't Cry Out Loud"

When I was a kid, I left home to join a traveling circus.

Oh, were your folks upset?

Are you kidding? They're the ones that got me the job!

Uh, now listen guys. The show will take care of all your medical expenses.

Oh, well that's good.

Uh, Scooter, did you cash that check I gave you?

Oh, of course.

Good.

At least, probably. Well actually, no.

What?

Gee guys, is there something wrong?

Oh no, nothing at all. We just wanted to invite you to come to our cast party.

"Oh! Susanna"

And now, this Muppet Newsflash. On Wall Street today, commodity experts were amazed as beef fell dramatically.

Moo!

Oh, no!

Kermit, where did that cow come from? He seemed to fall right out of the sky.

Yeah, well see, he said that beef was falling, and uh, well it's a little hard to explain. Uh, why don't we just watch Pigs in Space?

Oh, no!

Don't worry, things only fall on the Newsman.

What did you say that next sketch is called?

Uh, Pigs in Space.

Oh, good. I thought you said pigs from space.

Not again!

And now, Pigs in Space!

The Swinetrek is just about to be boarded by a sinister spaceship from the Crab Nebula.

Oh, oh the Crab Nebula! I'm so frightened! They're all such mean baddies over there. Ah, there he is!

Goo-boo-goo-boo-goo-boo!

Oh, oh, help!

Can we eighty-six the yelling? I'm trying to take a nap.

But this weird alien from the Crab Nebula just boarded the ship!

Goo-boo-goo-boo.

So, what does it want?

I don't know. I don't speak Crab Nebulese.

Well, why don't you use the universal translator, right there? Knuckle brains.

I represent Swunko, the wash day miracle! Guaranteed to turn your glooboos sparkling pink, without rinsing.

Wow, we knew it was important.

Sparkling pink, huh? I'll take a dozen boxes.

You don't have any glooboos.

Oh. Make it a half dozen.

Tune in next time for Pigs in... [phone rings] Hello? No, I'm busy. I'll call you back during the commercial... in Space!

Pops and Fozzie. Pops and Fozzie, on next.

Uh, Pops? I don't think I'm gonna be able to do this.

Oh, it's gonna be terrific, Fozzie. Why, back in nineteen aught forty-eight, I played the Roxie with this number.

But, it's so complicated!

No, here they are, Pops and Fozzie with "Once in Love with Amy".

"Once in Love with Amy"

You really gotta hand it to Fozzie.

Hand him what?

Abuse!

Boo! Hiss! Terrible!

Hey Floyd, what are you doing?

Oh, I'm playing the blues.

Do you like blues music?

Only when I'm depressed.

Do you get depressed often?

Only when I play the blues.

You're weird.

I may be weird, but you're beautiful.

Funny you should feel that way because I've always had a thing for weirdos, man.

Now, how can I tell when you're being serious?

Whenever I call you friend, friend.

Okay friend, let's communicate.

"Whenever I Call You Friend"

Okay, next we have the Flying Teeterini Family. Okay, onstage, the Teeterini Family, onstage please!

Hey, 'scusie, froggy. You tell me where the teeter board is.

Oh, there's no room for it.

Uh, hey that teeter board's supposed to be onstage, Fozzie.

No, as I'm saying to you, there's no room for it on the stage.

Why not?

Because there's a set in the way, sir.

Well, why is the set out there? Hey, can we- can we clear the set please? Clear that set!

You don't need to shout in the talkie talkie thing, we're standing right here.

Can we please put this down?

Right here?

Okay.

What? Aah! Can you guys get on stage please?

You expect he famous Teeterini Family to perform on stage without their famous teeter board?

Well, hey listen, is the teeter board really a big part of the act?

What this. Okay boys, alley-oop!

"How Much Is That Doggie in the Window?"

Today, the Swedish Chef will prepare spring chicken.

[mock Swedish]

I thought that was the dumbest Swedish Chef spot they've ever done. What do you think?

Buck-buck-buck-buck!

When will you ever learn? You're no spring chicken anymore!

Hey, chickens. Would you guys keep still? What's with these chickens?

[mock Swedish] Boing, boing.

My control over this show is slipping. Skiers on crutches, and chickens on springs.

These are a few of my favorite things. Wait for me, girls!

Oh boy, this show's now officially out of control. I'm gonna introduce the final number, and then it's every frog for himself.

Kermit, Kermit, Kermit, why did the chickens cross the road?

Because an angry Swede was chasing them with a cleaver!

That's not it. Hey, wait. Yours is better!

Uh, ladies and gentlemen, backstage is a mess. I've got angry skiers, springing chickens, and bouncing Italians. So let us leave all that behind, come with me now to the peace and quiet of sunny Spain. There to hear the beautiful soothing melodies of Miss Melissa Manchester.

"Your Cheatin' Heart"

Okay, well, we've just about come down to the end of another one. But, before we go, let us thank the lady who made it what was, the beautiful and talented Melissa Manchester. Yaay!

Thank you Kermit, I've had a great time.

Oh, I'm so glad.

When I wasn't being, uh, hit by flying skiers, or jumped on by spring chickens, or pelted with acrobats.

Uh, yeah well, actually you're lucky because next week we're having a yodeler who works blindfolded from a hang glider.

You're kidding.

No.

[yodelling]

That's next week!

[yodelling] Aah!

We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show.

Watch out!

Ah!

We surrender!