Episode 207: Dennis Quaid/transcript

The e conteses

You know,pend an evening we had 14,000 entries?

Yeah. And how many of those weren't from miss piggy?

Uh, just the winner.

Well, then, you're sure to have a good time.

That's true. Wait a second.

Where is Dennis Quaid?

Oh, he's onstage rehearsing the "Dennis the menace" sketch.

And believe me, kerm, everything's under control.

Now, go and have a good time.

You know, I suppose you're right.

I mean, after all, it's not like bowling balls

Are gonna come falling out of the sky the minute I leave.

Oh, man, why did he have to say that?

Ah! Ah! Ah!

Ah! Clifford, we just lost the satellite feed!

What are we gonna do?!

Hey, Clifford.

Clifford, what happened to the picture?

I almost took out mr. Wilson's eye with my slingshot.

Oh, no problem, Dennis.

I've got everything under control.

Uh, Nigel, disconnect the coaxial hookup,

And, uh, reconfigure the transponder.

That should get our satellite feed up and runnin'.

Or, uh, you could just plug it back in.

Hey, hey! Yeah!

All right!

Hey, thanks, Dennis.

Problem solved, everybodody.

Yeah, and we didn't even have

Any bowling balls fall out of the sky. Heh.

Yeah. Right.

What are you doin'?

Hey, I know a set-up line when I hear one.

It's Muppets Tonight,

With our very special guest star: Dennis Quaid! Yay!

♪ if you're a human being ♪

♪ take a break from the race ♪

♪ take a load off your feet ♪

♪ wipe the look off your face ♪

♪ got a lot to do ♪

♪ and we do it for you ♪

♪ everybody take your place ♪

♪ Muppets Tonight ♪

♪ you're gonna see something never seen ♪

♪ tonight's the night ♪

♪ you're gonna hear things you've never heard ♪

♪ we got a show for you ♪

♪ guaranteed brand new ♪

♪ here come the Muppets Tonight ♪

Yeah.

[whistling]

Captioning made possible by the u.S. Department of education

♪ we've got a show for you ♪

♪ guaranteed brand new ♪

♪ here come the Muppets ♪

♪ here come the Muppets ♪

♪ here come the Muppets Tonight ♪

Oh, yeah. And then I got pounded plugby a bunch of bowlin' balls.

Ooh! That must have hurt!

It did. Hey, check this out.

To keep the show from gettin' away from me this time,

I've given out these walkie-talkies.

Ooh! Zippy!

That's what I said.

Watch this.

Uh, come in, sector 4. Do you read me?

Oh, uh--uh--uh, sector 4. Comin' through, loud and clear.

Ha! Yeah!

See?

From now on,

We're gonna be a lean, mean, well-oiled machine!

Well, all right!

That's right.

Uh, ahem.

Come in, sector 3.

Seymour and pepe, do you read me?

Oh, oh, oh.

Pepe, will you get that?

I have to subdue this calamari for lunch.

I have to do everything around here.

Clifford: do you read me?

Roger. We read you.

Yaa! Ow!

[grunting]

Aah! Aah!

Will you stop playing around?

Oh, man. I think my well-oiled machine's got too many dipsticks.

Oh, no.

Rizzo: this is sector 2.

Come in, Clifford. Do you read me?

Yeah, Rizzo, loud and clear.

Sounds like you're right next to me.

That's because I am.

Uhh.

And you should sound like you're onstage,

Because we're on the air!

I can do that.

Mm-hmm.

Clifford: hey, hey, hey, hey!

Welcome to Muppets Tonight.

Our special guest is mr. Dennis Quaid!

[applause and squealing]

Give it up!

But first, here's the great gonzo

Singing dancing with my chicken.

Nt do it, Clifford. What?

All my chickens flew the coop.

What?

Ok, man, it's no problem.

I'll just tell a few jokes.

E-excuse me, folks.

Somebody, anybody, come in.

I need a joke--fast.

Seymour: ah! Ah!

Clifford: hello? Anyone there?

Clifford, how do you get a 200-pound squid

Off the face of an elephant?!

Hey, folks, how do you get a 200-pound squid

Off the face of an elephant?

Give up?

What's the punch line?

Ok.

Help! This squid is suckin' my face off!

[silence]

I don't get it.

Help! This squid is suckin' my face off!

[seymour yelling]

Gee, I don't remember Clifford rehearsing

An interpretive squid dance with seymour.

Hey.

Guys.

Oh! Oh!

I had a few extra minutes,

So I took the liberty

Of doing everyone's taxes for the next y

And, uh, you're all getting a big refund.

Wow! No!

Even me, Dennis?

Yeah. Look, with 120 dependents,

You qualify for the rat family tax credit.

Wow! That's great!

You know, Clifford told me I didn't qualify.

Where is that h&r blockhead?

Oh! Oh!

Ooh! Ow!

Dennis: hey, Clifford, you need a little help with that?

Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

Mitsu...Bishi!

Aah!

Gah!

Uhhhh!

Aah...

Nissan!

Wow! Wow!

Woo-hoo! Ayah!

[Clifford groans]

Oh, Dennis, thanks. Hey, how'd you do that?

Oh, that's just a little something

I learned in the peace corps, Clifford.

Don't you just love this guy?

Yeah.

Group hug.

Ahhhh!

Yeah!

Hey, hey, Dennis.

You are so good at fixing problems.

Maybe you can help me figure out

How to perform my dancing with chickens number

Without my chickens.

Well...

Why don't you... Just dance with yourself!

Oh!

Holy toledo, that's it!

[dancing with myself plays]

♪ on the floors of toky-o-o ♪

♪ a-down in london town's a-go-go ♪

♪ a-with the record selection and the mirror's reflection ♪

♪ I'm a-dancin' with myself ♪

♪ when there's no one else in si-ight ♪

♪ in the crowded lonely ni-ight ♪

♪ well, if I had the chance ♪

♪ I'd ask the world to dance ♪

♪ and I'm a-dancin' with myself ♪

♪ oh oh oh-oh ♪

♪ dancin' with myself ♪

♪ oh oh oh-oh ♪

♪ dancin' with myself ♪

♪ and there's nothin' to lose ♪

♪ and there's nothin' to prove ♪

♪ well, a-dancin' with myself ♪

Let's dance!

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

All right!

Hy...

Yah!

Whoo!

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Hey, waldorf! I think the tv's on the fritz.

I'm seeing double gonzos.

Only double?

You should be seeing a lot more than that.

Aah! Aah! Ha ha! Ha ha!

♪ well, if I looked all over the world ♪

♪ and there's every type of girl ♪

♪ well, if I had the chance, I'd ask the world to dance ♪

♪ if I had the chance, I'd ask the world to dance ♪

♪ if I had the chance, I'd ask the world to dance ♪

Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah!

♪ dancin' with myself ♪

♪ oh oh oh-oh ♪

♪ dancin' with-- ♪

Hey, everybody!

I hear there's a party over at gonzo's house!

[door closes]

Oh. Thank goodness.

I thought I'd never leave.

Ha ha ha!

Bobo: charlie company to Clifford.

Emergency! Emergency! We got a problem!

Yeah, yeah. Charlie company, what is it?

Well, ok. Uh, I got today's paper--

Yeah, yeah, yeah?

And I need a 5-letter word

Uh-huh? Uh-huh?

For a small river in mesopotamia. Over.

Bobo, why are you bothering me with a crossword puzzle?

Well, I couldn't find Dennis.

[hangs up]

I'd give anything to switch places with kermit right now.

Hmm.

Well, this seems to be the, uh, correct address.

[ding dong]

[clears throat]

Ooh!

Hi.

Hmm. Uh, hi there.

Uh--ahem--I'm, uh, kermit the frog here.

Uh, you must be the winner ofhe contest,

Miss, uh--uh, gottfried.

Oh, no. I'm just visiting.

You must mean my friend. Oh, gilbert?

Gilbert?

Oh, my god!

I can't believe I'm meeting kermit the frog!

I must be dreaming!

Pinch me! Slap me!

Hit me across the head with a hammer!

Ohh, this is so exciting!

And look at me!

I'm standing here in my underpants!

Look at that, huh?

Ooh! Can I say "Underpants"?

Of course I can say "Underpants."

We're not on tv, right?

I--I suppose. Um...

Oh, I can say "Underpants" all I want!

I can yell it to the whole neighborhood!

No, no, no, no.

Underpants!

[dog barking]

I'm standing here in my underpants!

No, I, uh--

Ooh! I gotta show you

The sculpture I made of you.

Sculpture?

I made a shrine of you.

It's made out of nothing but soda crackers and lemon juice.

[gasps]

I pray to it every night.

But we'll be late for dinner. Uh--

Oh, we'll be late for dinner! You're a major star!

Well--

They have to bow down to you!

What? But...

Ooh...I love you!

Ow! Oh!

[muffled protests]

And that, my friends,

Is how you make a 4-tiered mock wedding cake,

Using nothing but soda crackers and lemon juice.

Wow!

Dennis Quaid,

Nothing is impossible for you.

Yeah. Now that you've showed us your special dish,

 we're gonna show you our special dish,

Which was calamari, but now it's...

Ta-da! Ta-da!

Meatless meatballs.

They're made from grapes.

Yeah.

Mmm...Not bad.

But...May I make a suggestion?

Oh, yes. Indeed. Indeed.

Heat them up first.

Wow! Heat them up? What a great idea!

I'll be right back.

Ok. Ok. Ha ha. Thank you.

Uh, Dennis Quaid,

We would just love to do a song with you,

But we couldn't think of what to do.

Well, pepe, it's funny.

When picking a song,

Sometimes it just comes to you in a flash!

Aah!

Goodness, gracious!

My grape balls are on fire!

We have a winner!

♪ you shake and bake, and you rattle your pans ♪

♪ too much flambé, and you burn your hands ♪

♪ you made a dish ♪

♪ and it's delish ♪

♪ goodness, gracious, grape balls afire ♪

♪ I laughed at grapes 'cause I thought they were funny ♪

♪ I cooked 'em up and I made 'em taste yummy ♪

♪ we changed your mind ♪

♪ this dish is fine ♪

♪ goodness, gracious, grape balls afire ♪

♪ cook 'em, baby ♪

♪ ooh ♪

♪ tastes good ♪

♪ feed me, baby ♪

♪ I wanna eat them like you knew I would ♪

♪ homemade ♪

♪ from Dennis Quaid ♪

♪ wanna tell the world that they're great, great, great, great ♪

♪ wchewed the grapes, and we spit out the seeds ♪

♪ yummy, yummy, yummy, satisfy our needs ♪

♪ I changed my mind ♪

♪ this dish is fine ♪

♪ goodness, gracious, great balls afire ♪

Whoo!

Ooh! Yeah!

[audience whistling and cheering]

Dennis Quaid,

You are an amazing entertainer.

Yeah, yeah.

You should host the show every week.

Pepe: ohh! What a marvelous idea!

Seymour: yeah, yeah.

Pepe: yes. Every week.

Seymour: yeah. We can talk to kermit...

Ok, team, get ready to go to camera on

Where's Clifford?

[frantic] where's Clifford?

He's meant to introduce the next piece! Get him onstage now!

I need Clifford now!

Whoa, Nigel, Nigel, relax.

What? What? What?

Dennis Quaid's gonna do it.

Oh. Well, in that case,

Can somebody fetch me a double-decaf short, dry cappuccino?

With a little twist?

All we have is water.

That'll do.

Welcome back to Muppets Tonight.

I'm Dennis Quaid,

And I'm pleased to introduce this next bit.

It's a screen test

That kermit the frog and I did for a movie

That eventually became dragonheart.

Let's watch, shall we?

Shh! Shh!

Shh! Shh!

Careful. Careful.

Shh!

[roaring]

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! If only some brave warrior

Would come and help us fight the evil dragon Froggo.

Huh?

I am sorry that I am late.

There was a 5-horse pileup on ye olde interstate.

Oh, no! [muttering]

Where's the dreaded Froggo?

[roaring]

I'll take a stab at it. He's in the cave?

Thank you, sir sarcasm.

Froggo...

Your reign of terror is over.

I, sir cumference of a circle

Shall fight you to the death!

Froggo: oh, get over thyself.

Ooh. Ooh.

Hey...

You don't sound like sean connery.

Yeah? You don't sound like jerry lee lewis.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh, we're gettin' personal.

Stand back, everyone.

Arggh, arggh, arggh.

Heigh-ho! Froggo the dragon here.

[muttering]

I am ready to face thee.

Arggh.

What?

Cor! He's tiny.

Why, he's not even as big as me boil.

You are not as intimidating

As the script led me to believe.

Uh, yeah. Well, you see,

That's because I should have come in in the foreground.

I would have looked much bigger.

I'll just do it again.

Well, this is highly irregular.

And I came all the way out here...

I know.

Aah! Aah!

Now I shall roast you alive

With my fire-breathing abilities.

Turn on the gas, fred.

[inhales]

Aah! Aah!

Goodness, gracious!

Me great boil's on fire!

I love that song cue!

2, 3...

♪ you shake the ground, and you rattle my cave ♪

♪ this dragon-slayin' makes a man feel brave ♪

♪ you belched a flame ♪

♪ ain't that a shame? ♪

♪ goodness, gracious, great boil's afire ♪

Gee, I guess I was wrong.

He does sound like jerry lee lewis.

You know, when I watch this show,

I find myself counting the minutes until it's over.

Really? How many are left?

Fore!

Huh?

Ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha!

I love that joke! Ha ha!

Hey, did you focus that?

I don't think he focused that.

If the picture's not clear,

It can make you look kind of green.

Yeah.

Hey, know what I'm having for dinner?

What?

Frogs' legs!

Ha ha ha ha ha!

Ha. Wouldn't that be in horrible taste?

Wouldn't that be horrible?

I'm sitting here with you,

And I'd be eating frogs' legs. Ha!

It would be kind of like

Having dinner with the donner party.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Ooh. Speaking of cadavers...

Have you ever seen

My book of crime scene photographs?

I--no, no, not actually, uh, I haven't.

Oh, I carry it around as a conversation piece.

Oh, no, no, no.

Here. It's called isn't it gross?

It's old crime scene photographs.

I'll show it to you while you eat.

Here. Look at that.

Ugh!

Oh. Is that--oh.

He doesn't even look human anymore.

Yuhh!

Oh! Look at that guy down there.

Is that disgusting?

Bobo: yeah.

Yo, bobo.

Ooh, ooh.

I'm back.

Did you miss me?

Delta. Delta niner, niner.

Uh--uh, checkin' your sector 4 here.

Oh, man, knock it off.

That's over with.

Roger that.

[crash]

How are things goin' on the show?

Oh, oh, oh. Well, Dennis Quaid is doin' great!

You know, you guys really ought to do this show together, you know?

We could call it the, uh,

The Dennis Quaid and Clifford Muppet good time hour,

Featuring Dennis Quaid. ha ha. Huh?

Yeah. That's a good idea.

Yeah, yeah.

And then, uh...

Geez, what's up his kilt?

[ring]

[grunts]

Homicide. Detective bobo.

Bobo, stop fooling around.

Have you seen Clifford?

Oh, uh, well, he just went in the elevator

And, uh, went up to the roof.

How come?

Uh--uh, I'm no licensed psychologist,

But, uh, I would posit

That he suffers from clinical depression

Triggered by your hyperefficient performance of his duties.

Are you saying it's my fault?

Oh, hey, whoa, whoa.

What do I know? Ha ha! I'm a bear.

I get my jollies from tipping over garbage cans, huh?

Heh heh.

[gasps]

Ahh!

Whoa! That's a big sigh there, Clifford.

What's got you so down?

Oh, it's a lot of things, man.

The people I work with don't need me anymore.

Coo! Ooh!

Ah. I guess the only place I belong now

Is right here, on the roof.

[up on the roof plays]

Oh, no. Not that song again.

I wish, for once, somebody would come up here

And sing born to be wild.

♪ when this old world starts gettin' me down ♪

♪ and people are just too much for me to face ♪

♪ up on the roooof ♪

♪ I climb way up to the top of the stairs ♪

♪ and all my cares just drift right into space ♪

♪ up on the roooof ♪

♪ on the roof, it's peaceful as can be ♪

♪ and there the world below don't bother me ♪

Coo! Coo!

♪ let me tell you now ♪

♪ I get away from the hustlin' crowd ♪

♪ and all that rat-race noise-- ♪

Cliff-Clifford, what are you doin'

Up here singin', for cryin' out loud?

We got a problem with the transmitter.

Why don't you ask mr. Dennis I-can-do-anything Quaid to fix it?

Dennis Quaid can't fix the transmitter.

He's just an actor. You're the only one

Who can get us up and running.

Yeah, yeah.

That's right. Yeah.

Hmm. All right.

Does anyone have a number 2 wrench?

Anybody?

No. No.

All right, then.

We'll have to use a number one rat.

Oh, no, not again.

Calm down, man.

All right.

Here we go.

Now, bite down.

[crunch]

All right.

Oh. Oh. Oh.

There.

[Rizzo coughing]

There you go.

Hey, it's working!

Clifford fixed it!

I'm gonna be tasting bolt grease for a week.

[everybody laughs]

Uh, Clifford, Clifford.

We're--we're sorry we ignored you

And made such a big fuss over Dennis Quaid.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

We really care about you.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Hey, don't you just love this guy?

Group hug!

Ahh!

You know, I feel good!

Good!

Hey, give me another problem to solve.

Ok. Here's one for you.

There's 2 minutes left to go on the show,

And there's nobody onstage to say good night.

Consider it done.

Ok.

There's the good old Clifford.

Rizzo: yeah.

Hey, we'd like to thank our guest star...

Mr. Dennis Quaid!

Hey!

The man who can do everything.

Oh, no, no, no. Hey...

It was really great being here, Clifford.

But, you know, I really can't do everything.

Ahhh!

Oh, man. Mr. Modest.

No, I mean it. Look.

Half the things I did today?

Mm-hmm.

They were just lucky guesses.

And the rest...

Bluffs.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

I'm from the irs.

Is there a, uh, mr. Rizzo the rat here?

Y-yeah.

Ah! Mr. The rat, I need to speak to you

About your 120 dependents.

[nervous laugh]

Guess you didn't qualify after all, huh?

You'll never take me alive!

Officers!

Hey, hey, wait.

Hey, hey, wait. Hey, hold it, you!

You know what, Clifford?

I think I need a break.

What are you gonna do?

Well, you know my friend greg hall.

He's gonna give me some flying lessons.

Goodness, gracious! Greg hall's a flyer?

1, 2, 3!

♪ you shake my nerves, and you rattle my brain ♪

♪ you flip my flaps when I'm flyin' a plane ♪

[stops playing]

Wait, wait, wait.

What's wrong?

I can't do this.

What?

It's too much of a stretch.

I mean, greg hall's a flyer?

What am I thinking?

Dennis, take it from me.

When you got somethin' that works, you gotta stick with it, man.

Ok!

♪ you broke my will ♪

♪ but what a thrill ♪

♪ goodness, gracious, great balls of fire ♪

Ha ha ha! Yeah!

Ow!

Ooh!

Hoo hoo hoo hoo!

Oh, kermit!

I can't tell you what a wonderful time I had!

Well, actually, I can tell you.

Here, listen:

Kermit, what a wonderful time I had!

Well, I--I have to be going now.

Uh--uh, thank you.

Whoa. Uh...

Gee, y--my feet are stuck.

Oh, yeah, I forgot to tell you.

I really should have told you that.

You know how, in front of the chinese theater,

They have the movie stars' feet in cement?

Well, they don't have their feet in cement.

No? Well, what's your point?

Well, I put cement here so I could have your footprints.

W-what?

Yeah. Don't worry about it. I'm stuck here, too!

Ha ha ha!

What?

We'll eventually either be rescued,

Or we'll starve to death.

Hey, you know, just to kill the time,

What do you say we sing a little song?

You know funiculi funicula? The clean version.

Taxi!

♪ some people say the world ♪

♪ is full of fun and frolic... ♪

Help!

Somebody help me!

Come on! Sing, you frog!

Seymour: ah!

Aah!

Ha ha ha ha!

He's not gonna make it!

Ah!

He's goin' down!

He's gone!

Aah!

Aah!

Bye-bye!

Ah! Ah!

Ha ha ha ha ha!

Ah ha ha ha!

You tryin' to call me a fish?

Mm-hmm.

It takes one to know one.

Mm-mmm. What's that?

Mm-mmm. Mm-mmm.

What's that? Mm-ehh!

Ah! Aah!

Clifford!

Ah!

He's dying!

Ah-eee! Aah! Aah!

Aah!

Captioning made possible by the u.S. Department of education

Captioning performed by the national captioning institute, inc.