Episode 202: Zero Mostel/transcript

00:00:09 Zero Mostel, 25 seconds. Stand by.

00:00:13 Mr. Mostel?

00:00:14 - Hey, Fozzie, where's Mr. Mostel? - He's in his dressing room eating.

00:00:18 I'm not in my dressing room eating!

00:00:20 I'm in my dressing room being eaten!

00:00:23 [Munching and gulping]

00:00:31 [Drumroll]

00:00:34 It's The Muppet Show with our very special guest star, Mr. Zero Mostel.

00:00:40 [Applause and whistles]

00:00:53 # Lt's time to play the music Lt's time to light the light

00:00:56 # Lt's time to meet the Muppets on The Muppet Show tonight

00:01:00 # Lt's time to put on makeup Lt's time to dress up right

00:01:05 # Lt's time to get things started

00:01:07 Oh, please let them be funny this once.

00:01:09 # Lt's time to get things started

00:01:11 # On the most sensational, inspirational

00:01:13 # Celebrational, Muppetational

00:01:16 # This is what we call The Muppet Show! #

00:01:23 [high-pitched squeaking]

00:01:32 Thank you, thank you. Good evening, ladies and gentlemen,

00:01:35 and welcome to The Muppet Show.

00:01:37 Tonight's special guest star has many, many talents.

00:01:40 Let's see... He acts, he sings, he dances, he does comedy,

00:01:43 and they all add up to a great big zero for Zero Mostel.

00:01:48 But first, in an attempt to placate the culture lovers of our audience...

00:01:52 Oh, at last, at last!

00:01:54 ...and in the wings, uh,

00:01:56 we open tonight's show with a little classical music.

00:01:59 Here is Chopin's Polonaise in A-Flat.

00:02:01 - [Applause] - [Fozzie] Psst! Psst!

00:02:04 Kermit, Kermit, the concert pianist could not make it.

00:02:08 But I just introduced the Polonaise.

00:02:10 Here. I got a whole new intro written.

00:02:14 Read that. Good luck, kid.

00:02:16 Let's see, uh... Oh.

00:02:18 OK, ladies and gentlemen, Chopin's Polonaise in A-Flat,

00:02:21 as performed by... Dr. Teeth?

00:02:24 What?

00:02:26 [# Funk version of Chopin: Polonaise in A-Flat]

00:02:35 Yeah, yeah!

00:02:47 Oh, yeah!

00:02:53 Honk it, honk it!

00:03:01 Yeah! Yeah!

00:03:10 Yeah!

00:03:16 Chopin!

00:03:19 Chopin!

00:03:25 OK! Cookin', cookin'!

00:03:30 - Oh, yeah! - Chopin! Chopin!

00:03:37 [Chuckling] You know, I'm really gonna enjoy tonight.

00:03:40 - You plan to like this show? - No, I plan to watch television.

00:03:46 OK, good ol' Chopin. You can't beat the classics.

00:03:49 You can only destroy 'em.

00:03:52 - Hey, frogis amphibious... - Yeah?

00:03:54 ...don't forget today is payday.

00:03:57 [Growls] Payday! Payday!

00:04:00 Payday, again? It was payday last year.

00:04:03 It seems to be getting to be a habit around here.

00:04:06 Well, I'll see what's in the old cash box here.

00:04:10 Three moths and a washer.

00:04:12 Well, that's more than we usually have.

00:04:15 Oh, where am I going to get the payroll money?

00:04:18 Oh, how much do you need, Kermit?

00:04:22 - Wow! That's high finance. - [Telephone ringing]

00:04:25 I'll get it.

00:04:27 Hello? Oh, hi, Uncle J.P.

00:04:30 That's Scooter's uncle, J.P. Grosse,

00:04:32 the bloodless old tightwad who owns this theater.

00:04:35 Yeah, yeah. Well, listen, uh...

00:04:37 Could you put your cigar out, please?

00:04:40 Thanks. Oh, everything's fine.

00:04:42 Yeah, except Kermit needs some money to make the payroll.

00:04:45 Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

00:04:49 Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

00:04:53 Uh, what'd he say?

00:04:54 - He said, "Uh-huh." - Terrific.

00:04:56 - Lf... - Uh, if what?

00:04:58 If you put some good old-fashioned entertainment back into the show.

00:05:02 - You mean like an Irish tenor? - No.

00:05:04 A dog act? Jugglers? Spoon players? What?

00:05:08 Lady wrestlers.

00:05:10 Terrific. I was afraid he wanted something tasteless.

00:05:15 [Fanfare plays]

00:05:16 OK, now it's time for our special guest to do something special.

00:05:20 Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Zero Mostel.

00:05:23 [Applause]

00:05:30 [# What Do the Simple Folk Do?]

00:06:47 [Singing opera]

00:07:04 [Barking]

00:07:17 [Howling]

00:07:25 [Screeching]

00:07:28 [# What Do the Simple Folk Do?]

00:09:44 - [Slurps] - [Applause]

00:09:55 - Yeah, what's the name of this movie? - Beach Blanket Frankenstein.

00:09:59 - Hmm. Awful. - Terrible film.

00:10:02 Yeah, well, we could watch The Muppet Show instead.

00:10:08 - Wonderful. - Terrific film.

00:10:11 Where am I gonna find a couple of lady wrestlers at this late date?

00:10:15 Hello, Killer Katie, Terror of Toledo?

00:10:17 How'd you like to work on The Muppet Show tonight?

00:10:19 I see. Transcendental meditation.

00:10:22 - That's too bad. - [Knock on door]

00:10:24 Now what?

00:10:25 - Hey, Animal, would you get the door? - [Growls]

00:10:28 I say, would you get the door? Get the door.

00:10:30 Ah, get the door! [growls]

00:10:33 Maybe I could try Mother the Mauler.

00:10:35 [Door cracking]

00:10:39 Here door.

00:10:45 My, what a dynamic doorman you have here.

00:10:51 [Soft music plays]

00:10:56 How was your tennis game today? Have a rough match?

00:11:00 I see you did.

00:11:03 - Do you play tennis? - Of course.

00:11:06 - How's your backhand? - Uh, fair.

00:11:08 - How's your forehand? - Oh, they're terrific.

00:11:13 You say you watched six tennis matches today?

00:11:17 How do you feel?

00:11:19 Uh, fine. Just fine.

00:11:23 - What'd you do today? - Just spent the day in court.

00:11:29 My tennis instructor says I've been using too small a racket.

00:11:32 Oh, why not get a big racket?

00:11:35 - You say you want a big racket? - Yeah.

00:11:44 Uh, excuse me, Kermit, may I speak with you?

00:11:46 Sure, Sam. What you want?

00:11:48 I think you know why I'm here.

00:11:51 Well, actually, Sam, to tell you the truth,

00:11:53 - I've never known why you're here. - I feel my job is to make sure

00:11:57 this program is morally upright and cultural and wholesome.

00:12:02 You got your work cut out for you, bird.

00:12:07 Now that was unwholesome.

00:12:09 That was not cultural.

00:12:11 Uh... uh, fine, fine. But what can I do for you, Sam?

00:12:15 I want to know who is going to be on tonight's show.

00:12:19 Oh, well, let's see, tonight's show is very classy,

00:12:22 it's very highbrow, you'll like this show.

00:12:24 Good. Yes, yes. Tell me more.

00:12:26 Let's see. We got... Fozzie is doing a pantomime with Zero Mostel.

00:12:29 - Got a musical number... - Musical number? Good, good.

00:12:32 ...with Zoot and Rowlf. And then of course we've got...

00:12:35 Uh, we got the lady, uh...

00:12:38 ...the lady wrestlers.

00:12:41 - The what? - Uh... Oh, nothing, Sam.

00:12:43 It's just... We got, uh, some lady, uh... lady wrestlers.

00:12:47 Stand by for the pantomime number!

00:12:50 - Lady what? - Uh...

00:12:54 Lady wrest... [whispers]

00:12:55 - Wrest... What? - Lers.

00:12:59 Lady wrestlers?!

00:13:02 Lady wrestlers!

00:13:05 - You don't understand. - Have we no shame?!

00:13:09 [Groans] I... Kermit, something, something must be done here.

00:13:13 Someone must work for integrity and decency.

00:13:17 Someone, someone must do this.

00:13:19 I shall continue to speak out,

00:13:22 knowing someday I will get my just desserts.

00:13:26 Uh, Sam, you will someday get your just desserts.

00:13:30 [Monster chuckling]

00:13:32 - What was that? - Just dessert.

00:13:38 The road is long. The path is steep.

00:13:45 Oh. Dr. Bunsen Honeydew here at Muppet Labs,

00:13:48 where the future is being made today.

00:13:51 Well, we've had a major breakthrough here at the laboratory.

00:13:54 Beaker, come on in here and let's show them

00:13:56 Muppet Labs' brand-new magnetic carrots.

00:13:59 Come on, Beaker. Just pick up the lid there.

00:14:02 - [Moaning] - It's all right.

00:14:05 Isn't that snazzy?

00:14:07 Now these carrots are perfectly ordinary in every way,

00:14:10 - except that they are magnetic. - [Gasping]

00:14:12 Yes, friends, you can carry these new magnetic carrots home

00:14:15 on the roof of your car and store them on the ceiling of your refrigerator.

00:14:19 [Grunting]

00:14:20 Oh, of course, to be perfectly honest, there is one slight drawback.

00:14:24 Sometimes the magnetic carrots tend to attract steel, uh, rabbits.

00:14:29 Huh?

00:14:35 [Metallic springing]

00:14:37 Tune in next time for news of our research

00:14:40 into the feasibility of cast-iron watchdogs.

00:14:44 Beaker.

00:14:46 Uh, let's switch channels. This show is dull.

00:14:49 - You bet. [groans] - [Clicks]

00:14:52 What is that?

00:14:54 It looks like two ancient old guys sitting in a theater box

00:14:57 - watching television. - That's crazy!

00:14:59 No one would watch junk like that.

00:15:04 - Uh, excuse me, Mr. Mostel. - Yes?

00:15:07 - I am Sam the Eagle... - I'm so glad to know you.

00:15:10 Mmm, yes, glad to know you.

00:15:12 I am the upholder of decency and dignity for this show.

00:15:16 - Are you really? - Mmm, yes.

00:15:18 I believe this program is trivial,

00:15:21 and... and not fit for family viewing.

00:15:27 It is... It is disgracefully lacking in culture.

00:15:31 It is disgracefully lacking in culture.

00:15:33 Mmm, I'm glad you agree with me, yes.

00:15:35 I, personally, have always felt that this program

00:15:39 must... must, I say,

00:15:42 be cleansed of all nonsense and silliness.

00:15:46 - Mmm. Don't you agree with me, sir? - Of course.

00:15:49 - Yes. - Must be cleansed.

00:15:50 Now, it seems to me that you and I think alike.

00:15:55 Well, it's been a pleasure...

00:15:57 A pleasure talking to you, sir. A man of dignity.

00:15:59 Dignity. Always dignity.

00:16:01 Dignity, dignity... [squawking]

00:16:05 - [Clears throat] - I'm sorry to keep you waiting, ma'am.

00:16:08 What can I do for you?

00:16:09 I understood you're looking for lady wrestlers.

00:16:12 You see, I'm Granny the Gouger and I'd like to audition.

00:16:15 [Chuckles] You want to audition?

00:16:17 That's very funny. Is this some kind of a joke or something?

00:16:20 Joke? Funny?

00:16:22 Young man, it's not nice to make fun of an old lady.

00:16:25 You're going to be old yourself someday.

00:16:30 And when that day comes,

00:16:32 you're going to be sorry you weren't nicer to Granny.

00:16:38 I think I'm sorry already.

00:16:42 [# Smoke Gets Ln Your Eyes]

00:17:17 [Coughing]

00:17:23 [Coughing]

00:17:26 [Coughing]

00:17:40 [Both coughing]

00:18:01 Late, late at night

00:18:03 The world sleeps... [snoring]

00:18:06 And I am here alone

00:18:08 And here I come some nights

00:18:10 To confront my fears

00:18:13 [monsters growling]

00:18:16 They're here, my fears

00:18:18 They are always with me

00:18:20 Lurking, scurrying, hiding and waiting

00:18:23 They come!

00:18:25 And they go

00:18:27 But though they are gone they are never far

00:18:32 And here, alone at night...

00:18:34 ...I can confront them

00:18:41 There they are, confronted fears Fears of hunger, fears of pain... Ow!

00:18:46 Fears of missing the last train

00:18:49 Fear of dentists always drilling

00:18:51 Fear that no one will be willing

00:18:54 To see me as I know I really am

00:18:58 Once they are counted and compelled

00:19:00 They can quickly be dispelled [squeaks]

00:19:04 Like figments of my own imagination

00:19:10 But always... There are other fears

00:19:17 Fears of snakes, fears of cats

00:19:19 Fears of maître d's and rats

00:19:21 An irrational black terror that someday I may get fat

00:19:28 Fear of elevators falling

00:19:30 And the taxman someday calling

00:19:33 And the accidental walling of myself

00:19:37 Up inside a clammy, dank old dingy cellar

00:19:43 Where the spiders weave around my tummy

00:19:46 And the worms and bugs and crawly things

00:19:50 Squirm and squiggle at my person

00:19:53 [cackling] Oh, I love it!

00:19:57 Once they are counted and compelled

00:19:59 They can quickly be dispelled [squeaks]

00:20:04 But then...

00:20:06 There are other fears

00:20:09 Fears of bullets, there's a dread

00:20:12 Fear of baldness on the head

00:20:14 Fear of waking up one morning

00:20:16 To discover that you are dead

00:20:19 Once they are counted and compelled

00:20:22 They can quickly be dispelled [squeaks]

00:20:26 Like figments of my own imagination

00:20:30 Then there is the last fear

00:20:33 Just about the time I'm past fear

00:20:37 The one that really is final

00:20:40 It will come yours... and mine'll

00:20:43 In the darkest of the night

00:20:45 It will come without a fight

00:20:47 It will count me and compel me

00:20:52 It will casually dispel me

00:20:56 [cackling]

00:20:57 For I am just a figment

00:20:59 Of its own imagination

00:21:10 Oh, look at that.

00:21:11 The show's almost over and I still haven't found another lady wrestler.

00:21:15 Oh, where in the world am I gonna find another heavyweight, aggressive,

00:21:19 tough female with a killer's instinct?

00:21:22 Hello, Kermit.

00:21:25 Oh... Oh, hi, Miss Piggy.

00:21:27 And, pray tell, what is my wonderfulness doing?

00:21:30 Oh, you see, I was just thinking that you'd be perfect

00:21:33 for a special spot in tonight's show.

00:21:36 You have created a spot just for moi?

00:21:40 [Gasps] Oh, tell me about it, my little green ball of passion.

00:21:44 - Uh... - Yes, yes, yes.

00:21:45 Yeah. Well, you see, this is a spot that requires an actress

00:21:48 - with tremendous strength... - Yes.

00:21:50 ...versatility, uh... - Yes.

00:21:52 ...and someone who's all female.

00:21:54 - Oh. Oh, what is it? Joan of Arc? - Uh, no.

00:21:58 - Naughty Marietta? - Uh, no.

00:22:01 Oh, Lady Macbeth.

00:22:04 Well, it's more like a lady wrestler.

00:22:12 Lady... wrestler?

00:22:17 Well, yeah. It's a sort of thing

00:22:19 where you, uh... You have to have the ability to...

00:22:23 - I mean, wrestlers are... - Lady wrestler?!

00:22:26 [Both screaming]

00:22:32 - What do you make of that, man? - Ten to one on the pig.

00:22:35 [Screaming continues]

00:22:38 - Right. - [Miss Piggy] Lady wrestler?!

00:22:44 [Growling]

00:22:56 [Rhythmic growling]

00:23:02 [Surprised growling]

00:23:07 Tonight we're gonna present you with a cultural demonstration

00:23:10 of female grace and dexterity.

00:23:13 So here they are, direct from the Bali Hai Bowl-A-Drome,

00:23:15 Granny the Gouger and the Mysterious Miss Mask.

00:23:18 One fall, no holds barred.

00:23:21 [Breathing heavily]

00:23:28 Hope your insurance is paid, frog.

00:23:33 [Bell ringing]

00:23:38 [Mumbling indistinctly]

00:23:43 [Grunting]

00:23:46 Hiyah!

00:23:48 [Gasping]

00:23:51 [Crowd booing]

00:23:54 [Jeering and whistling]

00:23:56 [Grunts and laughs]

00:24:01 Alley-oop!

00:24:06 I think you'd better give up, frog.

00:24:08 What, and leave show business?

00:24:11 [Chuckling]

00:24:13 - What did you do to my frog? - Hmm?

00:24:16 - I'll show you. Hiyah! - [Yells]

00:24:20 [Crowd cheering and applauding]

00:24:24 Well, that's about it for another Muppet Show.

00:24:27 Some of us have taken great pains to bring you this show.

00:24:30 Uh, but right now I'd like to thank our special guest star,

00:24:33 who has joined the ranks of the Muppet monsters, Mr. Zero Mostel.

00:24:36 - Come on out! - [Applause]

00:24:40 Now you stop that, Mr. Mostel.

00:24:43 Uh, well, that's about it.

00:24:45 We'll see you all next time on The Muppet Show.

00:24:47 Must there be a next time?

00:25:25 What do you think of television?

00:25:27 - [crackling] - [Groaning]

00:25:29 Shocking, isn't it?