Episode 401: John Denver/transcript

John Denver. 15 seconds to curtain, John.

Alright, Scooter. Thanks!

Listen Denver, you're a good kid. Let me help you get away so you don't have to do this crummy show.

Wait a minute. I want to work with the Muppets.

You do?

Well, yeah! I think this is a terrific show, Walorf.

You're beyond help!

"The Muppet Show Theme"

Well?

He wouldn't listen. They must have brainwashed him.

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Whoopee!

Thank you, thank you, thank you, and welcome again to The Muppet Show! It is going to be a terrific show tonight because our guest star is one of the great talents of the music world, Mr. John Denver. And because John is such an outdoors lover, we're going to spend a lot of the show in the country.

Kermit, Kermit, I haven't quite finished building the set yet.

Well, uh, how much time do you need?

Thursday?

Uh, Beau, we have to do the number now!

Well okay, but it looks like a battlefield back there.

It's supposed to.

Oh. Then, it's finished.

Uh, ladies and gentlemen, our opening number!

"Why Can't We Be Friends?"

They got up, We must have missed them.

We didn't miss them, we were shooting blanks.

We were?

Of course!

Well, some of them were blanks.

Okay, nice opening number.

Oh, thank you very much sir.

Okay, soldiers, nicely waged.

Alright J. Amphibiousness, now, what is this important announcement you wanted to make?

Yes, what?

Okay, uh, hey, listen everybody, John Denver has invited us all to join him on a weekend camping trip.

Oh! Up in the mountains?

Uh, well, no, actually, see, John and I decided it would fun to take you all and show you the land of my birth.

You mean?

Yes, it will be a weekend in the swamp!

Well, I just remembered I've got a basketball game on Saturday.

Yeah, and the band's got three extra gigs this weekend.

And, uh, I've signed up for a seminar on mildew.

Now, listen everyone. A wonderful thing has just happened. Our Kermie has offered to take us on a visit to his homeland. Overnight.

I think we should all be grateful to him.

Well, thank you very much, Miss Piggy.

Mm-hmm. Besides, a weekend in the swamp will be very healthy for you all.

And just how do you figure that?

If you go, I won't put you in the hospital.

Let's go pack those knapsacks, guys.

You do that, good.

I wonder if they have room service.

Uh, ladies and gentlemen, with us tonight is one of the good guys of contemporary music, Mr. John Denver.

"Garden Song"

You know something? That was a sweet number.

It sure was.

You know something else?

I hate sweet numbers.

Okay, very good flowers. Get to you dressing pots.

Kermie, oh, I am so excited about spending a weekend in the swamp with vous, you little green hunk, you.

Yeah, well, very good Miss Piggy. But you must remember that camping can be tough 'cause we're gonna be roughing it.

Oh, I know. That is why I'm only bringing four long dresses. And of course, a dozen pairs of shoes. And, uh, some apres swim togs, and my sun visor spectacles.

Wait, wait, wait. Piggy, you can't carry all that stuff.

Carry? I do not intend to carry anything.

But, campers carry everything they need. Look, come here a second.

What, what?

See, for instance, Floyd here has just packed his backpack. See that?

You expect moi to carry that heavy thing?

Sure, that's how you go camping.

Forget it. I am not going.

Okay, as you will.

Oh, Mr. Kermit, sir. When we get to the swamp, will you give me a swimming lesson?

Oh, why, sure Annie Sue. Uh, it might be kinda fun to teach a cute little pig to, uh, frog kick.

Thank you sir.

Kermie! Kermie, you were right. This backpack weighs next to nothing. See? Oh, Annie Sue. Pardon moi.

[mock Swedish] ...great outdoorsy... make squirrely stew. Oh, squirrely, come down squirrely. We shake the tree.

Bork, bork, bork!

Inch by inch, row by row. Hi-ya Gonzo.

Oh, hi John!

How you doing, man?

I'm doing fine. Hey, I really enjoyed your last number.

Aw, thanks very much Gonzo. I enjoyed that, too.

Yeah, hey listen, I wonder if you'd share some of the secrets of your success with me since we're both in the same field.

Well, yeah, I'd be happy to. You know, you've got to take care of your throat. You can't let yourself get too tired when you're singing...

Oh, I don't need help with my singing. I need help with my gardening. You've got a garden?

Oh, yeah, John. I've got the world's biggest mold garden.

Mold garden?

Yeah, mold.

Far out. How did you get into that?

Well, about a year ago, I went away on vacation, and I forgot to clean out my refrigerator.

Yeah?

And, when I got back, the food was all green and fuzzy, and it was just too cute to throw out.

So, what's the problem?

Well, I don't have any privacy anymore. Sometimes, I think my garden is plotting against me.

You're kidding. You know, you could be right. There's a fungus among us.

Gonzo?

What?

The bulb in the refrigerator got busted.

How did that happen?

Well, we were playing puff ball and Reggie hit a long one.

Alright, I'll replace it, but this is the last time.

Oh, thanks. You're a real spore.

Yeah, yeah.

Nobody knows the truffles I've seen.

"Trees"

What a rotten voice! You know what a tree would call you? A pine in the neck. With a voice like that, you won't be very poplar around here. If I couldn't sing any better than that, I'd leaf.

Excuse me while I chop some wood. Hi-yah!

"The Happy Wanderer"