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The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 101: Juliet Prowse.


Kermit appears in the show's O.
Kermit It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Miss Juliet Prowse!
The banner rises, and the theme begins.
Chorus girls

It's time to play the music
It's time to light the lights
It's time to meet the Muppets
On The Muppet Show tonight!

Male chorus

It's time to put on makeup
It's time to dress up right
It's time to raise the curtain
On The Muppet Show tonight!

The curtain opens on Fozzie.
Fozzie's opening joke.png
Fozzie Hey, have I got an opening joke for you tonight! (cracks up) You're – Oh, you're gonna love this! These two ...
The curtain closes.

To introduce our guest star,
That's what I'm here to do!
So it really makes me happy
To introduce to you β€”
Miss Juliet Prowse!

Juliet Opening.jpg
Kermit But now let's get things started
Kermit & gang

On the most sensational, inspirational
Celebrational, Muppetational
This is what we call The Muppet Show!

Gonzo gong.jpg
Gonzo ends up charred when he hits the O with his mallet and it explodes.

Opening number

Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit Thank you. Thank you. Hey, listen, it's another great show, folks. I mean, tonight our guest star is one of the truly great dancers of the world, the one and only Miss Juliet Prowse. And, if that weren't enough, we've also got "Mahna Mahna." Whatever that means.
Mahna Mahna and the Snowths perform the classic variety show number, "Mah Na Mah Na."
As the song draws to a close, Mahna Mahna dances his way backstage and out of the Muppet Theater. Soon after he has disappeared, the phone rings.
Kermit Hello? OK. Just a second.
Kermit Snowths.jpg
Kermit It's for you.
Mahna Mahna (on other end) Mahna mahna!
Statler The question is, what is a "Mahna Mahna"?
Waldorf The question is, who cares?


Kermit sips a glass of milk through a straw.
Kermit drinks.jpg
Kermit (to viewer) Uh, think about this, friends.
He takes two more sips. Enter Scooter and a white dog.
Scooter Hey, Boss, Muppy and I wanted to talk to you about the act we're doing on the show tonight.
Kermit Uh, Scooter, you're not doing an act on the show tonight.
Scooter Oh, gee, my uncle who owns this theater thought of this act, didn't he? (Muppy nods)
Kermit Uh, uh, tell us about the act you're doing on the show tonight.
Scooter Oh, it's called "Simon Smith and his Amazing Dancing Dog." Yeah, I sing this song, see, and Muppy here does this cute, adorable, sweet, sugary little dance.
Muppy demonstrates the dance.
Kermit Well, it sounds, says the frog, displaying his artistic judgment, sappy.
Scooter Gee, my uncle thought it was …
Kermit It sounds, says the frog, displaying his will to survive, wonderful.
Scooter Yeah, it's great. He'll love it.
Kermit I'm - Certainly. I've often thought of Muppy here as about the cutest little fellow around.
Muppy bites Kermit's hand and wrestles with it.
Scooter He thinks of himself as a killer.
Kermit Let me outta here!
He pulls himself away and goes onstage. Muppy sips from the glass of milk.
Muppy drinks.jpg

Gonzo's stunt / Backstage

Kermit Aw, that dumb dog. Whoa. I'm onstage. Wow. Ahem. Uh, now that I'm here, let me take this opportunity to present The Muppet Show's resident artist Gonzo the Great!
The curtain opens to a fanfare.
Gonzo Oh, thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you. Tonight, ladies and gentlemen, I will eat this rubber tire to the music of "The Flight of the Bumblebee." Music, Maestro.
Flight of the Bumblebee.JPG
Gonzo begins eating the tire as music plays.
Waldorf He's doing it. He's eating a tire.
Statler Amazing!
Waldorf Astounding!
Statler Boring!
The crowd starts booing Gonzo. Kermit, watching from the wings, now wears a tuxedo that matches Gonzo's.
Muppy realdog.jpg
Kermit Looks like it's another wipeout for Gonzo.
Gonzo comes backstage.
Gonzo Aw, yokels! (to Kermit) What do they know about art?
He spits out some rubber as he walks away.
Scooter Hey, Kermit, Muppy wants you to know he's very sorry he bit you.
Kermit Oh, yeah.
Scooter He wants you to know he's very grateful you're letting him do the "Simon Smith" number.
Kermit Oh, well, that's nice.
Scooter He wants you to know he wants his own dressing room and star billing.
Kermit What? Who is this crazy dog?
Scooter He's my uncle's favorite pet.
Scooter departs. Muppy licks Kermit. Juliet comes out of her dressing room. Applause.
Kermit Hello there, Miss Prowse, Hey, listen, is everything OK? Any complaints?
Juliet No, none whatsoever. Except that I've never had to share my dressing room before with a man who eats a tire.
Juliet backstage.jpg
Kermit I told Gonzo to dress in the alley. Hey, listen, I gotta go introduce you. Uh, you look beautiful. Beautiful! (exits)
Juliet (to viewer) He's sweet. For a frog.


Kermit Ladies and gentlemen, the lovely Miss Juliet Prowse.
Juliet dances to "Solace" with the Green Gazelles. The number uses the Black Light Theater technique to mask the puppeteers portraying the gazelles. Juliet vanishes into the background at the end of the song.
Waldorf Hey, she just vanished. How did she do that?
Statler vanishes.jpg
Statler Probably like this. (vanishes)
Waldorf Yup. That's probably how she did it.

At the Dance

Couples dance in a ballroom.
Trumpet Girl with Brewster.png
Mildred dances with George the Janitor.
Mildred Mmm. You're such a smooth dancer. Ever since we've started I feel like my feet have never touched the floor.
George the Janitor They haven't. You've been standing on mine.
Mildred Oops.
Miss Piggy dances with another pig.
Miss Piggy (RH) Do you prefer Shakespeare to Bacon?
Pig (RH) I prefer anything to bacon.
A purple monster dances with a woman.
Purple monster You mind if I smoke?
Woman If you insist.
Purple monster Thanks.
Flower Monster smokes.jpg
Smoke comes out of his head and fills the ballroom. The others start coughing.
Purple monster (to George) Smoke's not bothering you, is it?
Mildred Manager!

UK spot

Rowlf sits at the piano and plays.
Rowlf At this time I would like to present my rendition … of one of the great songs of our time. That ever-popular classic, "You and I and George." "But why," you ask, as well you should, "have I never heard this great song of our times?" … The fact is, nobody has ever heard of this ever-popular classic. In its only recording, "You and I and George" sold two copies. I bought one and George bought one. … Where were you?
He plays an opening vamp.
Rowlf My own mother turns down her hearing aid when I sing this song.

You and I and George
Were strolling … through the park one day.
And then … you held my hand.
As if to say …
"I looooooove yooooou."
Then … we passed a brook.
And George … fell in and drowned himself …
And floated … out to sea…
Leaving you … aloooone with meeeee!


Talk spot

Kermit You know, that number you did was just beautiful, Juliet.
Juliet Well, thank you, Kermit. You know, I'm really happy to be here with you and all the Muppets. You know something? I've never talked to a frog before.
Kermit Well, we're just like anyone else. A little more jumpy maybe. But uh, you know, we have our hopes and our dreams.
Juliet Oh, yeah? Well, what are some of your dreams?
Kermit Well, uh … ahem. You may just think I'm gilding the lily pad here, but, as a tadpole, I always wanted to be a dancer.
Juliet Oh.
Kermit But uh, you know what they say: the first thing to go on a frog are his legs. You know, that's what they say.
Juliet (laughs) That's funny, I never knew that frogs had a sense of humor.
Kermit Oh, well, we have to. Listen, y-you meet a frog without a sense of humor and you're looking at a green lump. Well, let's just face it, Julie. Your average frog doesn't have a lot going for him in the looks department.
Juliet Oh, I don't know. I think you're quite attractive.
Kermit Really?
Juliet Mm-hm.
Kermit You're not just saying that because you're a guest?
Juliet Well, certainly not. In fact, I'd go as far as to say that you are the Robert Redford of frogs.
Kermit Oh. Wow. Hey, listen, everybody, D'you hear that? Juliet Prowse thinks I'm the Robert Redford of frogs. Hey, you're gonna be coming back on this show a lot. (she laughs) Hey, listen. Have you ever kissed Robert Redford?
Juliet Aw, no, I haven't.
Kermit Well, how about … ahem … kissing the next best thing?
Juliet You mean to tell me that Paul Newman is here?
A beat.
Kermit I mean me, the Robert Redford of frogdom.
Juliet kisses Kermit.jpg
Juliet Ah. My pleasure. (she kisses him)
Kermit Whoo!
Waldorf More! More!
Statler Less! Less!


Kermit (through the intercom) OK. Stand by for the Western sketch.
Fozzie Hey, Kermit, Kermit.
Kermit Hm?
Fozzie Hey, uh … (deep voice) … does this sound like John Wayne?
Kermit Will you get onstage, Fozzie?
Fozzie does so. Enter Scooter.
Scooter Hey, Kermit.
Kermit Huh?
Scooter Yeah, now that Muppy is doing the big "Simon Smith" number, well, he only has one other suggestion.
Kermit Listen, I already gave him his own dressing room. What more does he want?
Scooter Well, it's about the title of the show. Uh, look.
Muppy Show.jpg
Kermit The "Muppy" Show?! (screams)

Cowboy Time

Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit Ladies and gentlemen, it's cowboy time.
Open on a saloon in the old west. Rowlf plays piano.
Rowlf I'd been playing saloon piano in Snake City for three years. It was the roughest town in the West. I mean, we had some mean customers.
Purple monster Howdy, Rowlf.
Rowlf Uh, hello, Miss Kitty. (continues) I mean, they were tough. After three years I thought I'd seen it all. I'd seen the Clanton brothers, the Younger brothers, the James brothers … not to mention the Osmond brothers. But when Kid Fozzie came to town, I knew I hadn't seen nothin'.
Fozzie enters, aiming a pair of pickles and talking in a deep voice.
Fozzie All right, everybody. Reach for the floor.
Rowlf Beg pardon?
Fozzie Reach for the floor. This is a stickdown.
Bartender You're confused, Kid. You ain't got no guns. Those are pickles.
The patrons laugh. Fozzie glances at the pickles.
Bartender That's right, folks. There he is, the fastest gherkin in the West.
The patrons laugh.
Cowboy You got a license to carry them pickles?
The patrons laugh.
Rowlf Hey, wh-when you get shot by a pickle at close range, do you get garlic burns?
The patrons laugh.
Fozzie All right, you asked for it.
He fires the pickles in all directions, knocking down the chandelier. The bartender hands him a bag.
Bartender (cowering) Sorry, Kid, I didn't know the pickles were loaded. Here's your money.
Rowlf aims a revolver at Fozzie.
Rowlf All right, Kid, don't make a move. I got you covered. Throw down your pickles.
Fozzie OK. (throws them down) I don't need guns to fight you. I'll get you with my knife.
He whips out a carrot. Rowlf knocks it out of Fozzie's hand.
Rowlf Will you stop with the vegetables?
Fozzie Boy, you shouldn't have done that. I'm a desperate bear, ready for desperate measures.
He takes out an apple-bomb with a lit fuse. The patrons scream.
Rowlf Oh, no!
Bartender It's an apple!
Rowlf And don't tell me β€”
Fozzie Yes. The fuse is lit. (notices) The fuse is lit???
He tosses the apple. BOOM! It explodes. When the smoke clears, Rowlf goes back to the piano and resumes playing.
Rowlf And that's how it was, the day Kid Fozzie came into town.
Waldorf That's one of the reasons I always thought the Muppets were weird.
Statler Why's that?
Waldorf They think explosions are funny.
Statler Yes.
Waldorf Explosions aren't funny.
Statler explosion.jpg
BANG! Statler’s cigar explodes.
Waldorf Although some of them are really quite droll. (chuckles)


Juliet & zoot.png
Zoot Juliet, what has one eye, sharp teeth and is long and fuzzy?
Juliet I don't know.
Zoot I don't know either, but you're wearing it.
Juliet Prowse.JPG
Feather boa Hiya, toots.
She screams. It screams and flees off her neck.


Kermit looks around. Muppy goes upstairs. Scooter is in costume. Rowlf walks by them.
Kermit Muppy, Scooter, you're on next.
Scooter It's no use, Kermit.
Kermit What?
Scooter Muppy says if you won't change the title of the show, he's not going on. He's locked himself in his dressing room and he's not coming out.
Kermit Yeah, but the "Simon Smith" number's on next.
Scooter I know, I know.
Kermit What are we gonna do?
Fozzie Kermit? Kermit? Kermit? How come I'm not doing an act this week? Hm?
Kermit Uh... uh, congratulations, Fozzie, you're doing an act this week.
Scooter and Kermit go onstage.
Fozzie Sometimes I can be very persuasive.

"Simon Smith"

Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit Ladies and gentlemen, "Simon Smith and his Amazing Dancing Bear."
Simon Smith & His Dancing Bear.JPG
Dressed like a ringmaster, a mustachioed Scooter does most of the singing and dancing, while Fozzie, who is being led around the stage on a chain, hams it up all around him. Rowlf accompanies the duo on piano in the background.
Statler Say, Waldorf, I was wondering if maybe you ... (goes silent while talking)
Waldorf Darn, I'd better get some new batteries for my hearing aid.
Statler (laughs) I fool him every time!
Waldorf smacks him in the face.

Muppet Glee Club

Kermit corrals a group of pigs, chickens and frogs.
Kermit OK, uh, Muppet Glee Club, Muppet Glee Club onstage, please. Muppet Glee Club. OK. All right, Everybody in position, please. OK. Everybody ready? The Muppet Glee Club. One and two and …
Muppet Glee Club.JPG
He starts conducting. Nothing happens.
Kermit Uh, uh … wait, wait, wait. Something is amiss here.
Frog (RH) I thought it was lovely.
Chicken (EO) You wave that stick wonderfully.
Pig (DG) Yeah, when it comes to stick waving, Kermit wrote the book.
Kermit Uh, well, thank you, thank you. I do appreciate that kind comment, but uh, I would like to point out to all assembled here that this is a glee club.
Chicken (EO) Oh, yes, that is what our letterhead says.
Kermit Yeah. So when I wave this stick so wonderfully, I would like to hear something.
Muppet Glee Club (murmuring)
Frog (JL) We were remiss in that regard.
Kermit OK. Here we go. One more time. The Muppet Glee Club. One and two and β€”
They all sing different songs at once.
Kermit Wait, wait, wait, Hold, hold, hold! Hold it, Hold it. Hold it. Hold it. Hold it. Stop. How shall I say this? Uh, excuse me, friends, but uh, to my ears at least, it would help a lot if you were all singing THE SAME SONG!
Muppet Glee Club (murmuring) Oh, I love it!
Chicken (EO) It's so wild!
Pig (DG) The frog is a genius.
Miss Piggy He's awful cute too.
Kermit It really doesn't matter what song you sing, as long as we all agree to the song that we're going to sing.
Muppet Glee Club (murmuring) OK.
Kermit OK? Now, does anybody here have a favorite song?
Muppet Glee Club (in unison) Yes!
Kermit Uh, uh, w-what song is that?
Muppet Glee Club (in unison) "Temptation"!
Kermit Since there seems to be some consensus of opinion here, the Muppet Glee Club will now render "Temptation." Piggy, honey?
Miss Piggy Hm?
Kermit You can take the solo.
Miss Piggy Yes, my love.
Kermit OK. Here we go.
Miss Piggy (aside) I love him.
Kermit The Muppet Glee Club, "Temptation." One and two and β€”
The Glee Club begins an a cappella rendition of "Temptation." Kermit lets Piggy take the solo in her first featured performance, and when her cue comes, she marches down the risers and throws herself at Kermit while he conducts, ultimately pinning him to the ground before chasing him offstage.


Kermit Hey, Juliet, I want to tell you what a pleasure it was to have you with us on the show.
Juliet Oh, Kermit, I really enjoyed it.
Kermit Aw. And as a little token of our appreciation, we have a Muppet likeness of you right here.
Juliet Oh, how sweet.
Kermit I know you'd rather have the cash, but ...
Juliet No, no, no, Kermit. This is just wonderful.
Juliet Muppet Uh, can I come home with you?
Juliet Well, of course you can.
Kermit She's not as pretty as you, you know, but ...
Juliet Oh, Kermit, thank you. (kisses him on the cheek)
Kermit Ooh. Thank you. And thank you all for joining us. We'll see you all next time on The Muppet Show.
The credits roll.
Waldorf Well, what did you think?
Statler Beats sitting home watching television.
MahnaMahna balcony.jpg
Mahna Mahna Mahna mahna!