Episode 101: Juliet Prowse/transcript

The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 101: Juliet Prowse.

Theme

	Kermit appears in the show's O.
Kermit	It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Miss Juliet Prowse!
	The banner rises, and the theme begins.
Chorus girls	It's time to play the music It's time to light the lights It's time to meet the Muppets On The Muppet Show tonight!
Male chorus	It's time to put on makeup It's time to dress up right It's time to raise the curtain On The Muppet Show tonight!
	The curtain opens on Fozzie.
Fozzie	Hey, have I got an opening joke for you tonight! (cracks up) You're – Oh, you're gonna love this! These two ...
	The curtain closes.
Kermit	To introduce our guest star, That's what I'm here to do! So it really makes me happy To introduce to you — Miss Juliet Prowse!
Kermit	But now let's get things started
Kermit & gang	On the most sensational, inspirational Celebrational, Muppetational This is what we call The Muppet Show!
	Gonzo ends up charred when he hits the O with his mallet and it explodes.

Opening number

	Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit	Thank you. Thank you. Hey, listen, it's another great show, folks. I mean, tonight our guest star is one of the truly great dancers of the world, the one and only Miss Juliet Prowse. And, if that weren't enough, we've also got "Mahna Mahna." Whatever that means.
	Mahna Mahna and the Snowths perform the classic variety show number, "Mah Na Mah Na."
	As the song draws to a close, Mahna Mahna dances his way backstage and out of the Muppet Theater. Soon after he has disappeared, the phone rings.
Kermit	Hello? OK. Just a second.
Kermit	It's for you.
Mahna Mahna	(on other end) Mahna mana!
	Applause.
Statler	The question is, what is a "Mahna Mahna"?
Waldorf	The question is, who cares?

Backstage

	Kermit sips a glass of milk through a straw.
Kermit	(to viewer) Uh, think about this, friends.
	He takes two more sips. Enter Scooter and a white dog.
Scooter	Hey, Boss, Muppy and I wanted to talk to you about the act we're doing on the show tonight.
Kermit	Uh, Scooter, you're not doing an act on the show tonight.
Scooter	Oh, gee, my uncle who owns this theater thought of this act, didn't he? (Muppy nods)
Kermit	Uh, uh, tell us about the act you're doing on the show tonight.
Scooter	Oh, it's called "Simon Smith and his Amazing Dancing Dog." Yeah, I sing this song, see, and Muppy here does this cute, adorable, sweet, sugary little dance.
	Muppy demonstrates the dance.
Kermit	Well, it sounds, says the frog, displaying his artistic judgment, sappy.
Scooter	Gee, my uncle thought it was …
Kermit	It sounds, says the frog, displaying his will to survive, wonderful.
Scooter	Yeah, it's great. He'll love it.
Kermit	I'm - Certainly. I've often thought of Muppy here as about the cutest little fellow around.
	Muppy bites Kermit's hand and wrestles with it.
Scooter	He thinks of himself as a killer.
Kermit	Let me outta here!
	He pulls himself away and goes onstage. Muppy sips from the glass of milk.

Gonzo's stunt / Backstage

Kermit	Aw, that dumb dog. Whoa. I'm onstage. Wow. Ahem. Uh, now that I'm here, let me take this opportunity to present The Muppet Show's resident artist Gonzo the Great!
	The curtain opens to a fanfare.
Gonzo	Oh, thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you. Tonight, ladies and gentlemen, I will eat this rubber tire to the music of "The Flight of the Bumblebee." Music, Maestro.
	Gonzo begins eating the tire as music plays.
Waldorf	He's doing it. He's eating a tire.
Statler	Amazing!
Waldorf	Astounding!
Statler	Boring!
	The crowd starts booing Gonzo. Kermit, watching from the wings, now wears a tuxedo that matches Gonzo's.
Kermit	Looks like it's another wipeout for Gonzo.
	Gonzo comes backstage.
Gonzo	Aw, yokels! (to Kermit) What do they know about art?
	He spits out some rubber as he walks away.
Scooter	Hey, Kermit, Muppy wants you to know he's very sorry he bit you.
Kermit	Oh, yeah.
Scooter	He wants you to know he's very grateful you're letting him do the "Simon Smith" number.
Kermit	Oh, well, that's nice.
Scooter	He wants you to know he wants his own dressing room and star billing.
Kermit	What? Who is this crazy dog?
Scooter	He's my uncle's favorite pet.
	Scooter departs. Muppy licks Kermit. Juliet comes out of her dressing room. Applause.
Kermit	Hello there, Miss Prowse, Hey, listen, is everything OK? Any complaints?
Juliet	No, none whatsoever. Except that I've never had to share my dressing room before with a man who eats a tire.
Kermit	I told Gonzo to dress in the alley. Hey, listen, I gotta go introduce you. Uh, you look beautiful. Beautiful! (exits)
Juliet	(to viewer) He's sweet. For a frog.

"Solace"

Kermit	Ladies and gentlemen, the lovely Miss Juliet Prowse.
	Juliet dances to "Solace" with the Green Gazelles. The number uses the Black Light Theater technique to mask the puppeteers portraying the gazelles. Juliet vanishes into the background at the end of the song.
Waldorf	Hey, she just vanished. How did she do that?
Statler	Probably like this. (vanishes)
Waldorf	Yup. That's probably how she did it.

At the Dance

	Couples dance in a ballroom.
	Mildred dances with George the Janitor.
Mildred	Mmm. You're such a smooth dancer. Ever since we've started I feel like my feet have never touched the floor.
George the Janitor	They haven't. You've been standing on mine.
Mildred	Oops.
	Miss Piggy dances with another pig.
Miss Piggy (RH)	Do you prefer Shakespeare to Bacon?
Pig (RH)	I prefer anything to bacon.
	A purple monster dances with a woman.
Purple monster	You mind if I smoke?
Woman	If you insist.
Purple monster	Thanks.
	Smoke comes out of his head and fills the ballroom. The others start coughing.
Purple monster	(to George) Smoke's not bothering you, is it?
Mildred	Manager!

UK spot

	Rowlf sits at the piano and plays.
Rowlf	At this time I would like to present my rendition … of one of the great songs of our time. That ever-popular classic, "You and I and George." "But why," you ask, as well you should, "have I never heard this great song of our times?" … The fact is, nobody has ever heard of this ever-popular classic. In its only recording, "You and I and George" sold two copies. I bought one and George bought one. … Where were you?
	He plays an opening vamp.
Rowlf	My own mother turns down her hearing aid when I sing this song. You and I and George Were strolling … through the park one day. And then … you held my hand. As if to say … "I looooooove yooooou." Then … we passed a brook. And George … fell in and drowned himself … And floated … out to sea… Leaving you … aloooone with meeeee!
	Applause.

Talk spot

Kermit	You know, that number you did was just beautiful, Juliet.
Juliet	Well, thank you, Kermit. You know, I'm really happy to be here with you and all the Muppets. You know something? I've never talked to a frog before.
Kermit	Well, we're just like anyone else. A little more jumpy maybe. But uh, you know, we have our hopes and our dreams.
Juliet	Oh, yeah? Well, what are some of your dreams?
Kermit	Well, uh … ahem. You may just think I'm gilding the lily pad here, but, as a tadpole, I always wanted to be a dancer.
Juliet	Oh.
Kermit	But uh, you know what they say: the first thing to go on a frog are his legs. You know, that's what they say.
Juliet	(laughs) That's funny, I never knew that frogs had a sense of humor.
Kermit	Oh, well, we have to. Listen, y-you meet a frog without a sense of humor and you're looking at a green lump. Well, let's just face it, Julie. Your average frog doesn't have a lot going for him in the looks department.
Juliet	Oh, I don't know. I think you're quite attractive.
Kermit	Really?
Juliet	Mm-hm.
Kermit	You're not just saying that because you're a guest?
Juliet	Well, certainly not. In fact, I'd go as far as to say that you are the Robert Redford of frogs.
Kermit	Oh. Wow. Hey, listen, everybody, D'you hear that? Juliet Prowse thinks I'm the Robert Redford of frogs. Hey, you're gonna be coming back on this show a lot. (she laughs) Hey, listen. Have you ever kissed Robert Redford?
Juliet	Aw, no, I haven't.
Kermit	Well, how about … ahem … kissing the next best thing?
Juliet	You mean to tell me that Paul Newman is here?
	A beat.
Kermit	I mean me, the Robert Redford of frogdom.
Juliet	Ah. My pleasure. (she kisses him)
Kermit	Whoo!
Waldorf	More! More!
Statler	Less! Less!

Backstage

Kermit	(through the intercom) OK. Stand by for the Western sketch.
Fozzie	Hey, Kermit, Kermit.
Kermit	Hm?
Fozzie	Hey, uh … (deep voice) … does this sound like John Wayne?
Kermit	Will you get onstage, Fozzie?
	Fozzie does so. Enter Scooter.
Scooter	Hey, Kermit.
Kermit	Huh?
Scooter	Yeah, now that Muppy is doing the big "Simon Smith" number, well, he only has one other suggestion.
Kermit	Listen, I already gave him his own dressing room. What more does he want?
Scooter	Well, it's about the title of the show. Uh, look.
Kermit	The "Muppy" Show?! (screams)

Cowboy Time

	Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit	Ladies and gentlemen, it's cowboy time.
	Open on a saloon in the old west. Rowlf plays piano.
Rowlf	I'd been playing saloon piano in Snake City for three years. It was the roughest town in the West. I mean, we had some mean customers.
Purple monster	Howdy, Rowlf.
Rowlf	Uh, hello, Miss Kitty. (continues) I mean, they were tough. After three years I thought I'd seen it all. I'd seen the Clanton brothers, the Younger brothers, the James brothers … not to mention the Osmond brothers. But when Kid Fozzie came to town, I knew I hadn't seen nothin'.
	Fozzie enters, aiming a pair of pickles and talking in a deep voice.
Fozzie	All right, everybody. Reach for the floor.
Rowlf	Beg pardon?
Fozzie	Reach for the floor. This is a stickdown.
Bartender	You're confused, Kid. You ain't got no guns. Those are pickles.
	The patrons laugh. Fozzie glances at the pickles.
Bartender	That's right, folks. There he is, the fastest gherkin in the West.
	The patrons laugh.
Cowboy	You got a license to carry them pickles?
	The patrons laugh.
Rowlf	Hey, wh-when you get shot by a pickle at close range, do you get garlic burns?
	The patrons laugh.
Fozzie	All right, you asked for it.
	He fires the pickles in all directions, knocking down the chandelier. The bartender hands him a bag.
Bartender	(cowering) Sorry, Kid, I didn't know the pickles were loaded. Here's your money.
	Rowlf aims a revolver at Fozzie.
Rowlf	All right, Kid, don't make a move. I got you covered. Throw down your pickles.
Fozzie	OK. (throws them down) I don't need guns to fight you. I'll get you with my knife.
	He whips out a carrot. Rowlf knocks it out of Fozzie's hand.
Rowlf	Will you stop with the vegetables?
Fozzie	Boy, you shouldn't have done that. I'm a desperate bear, ready for desperate measures.
	He takes out an apple-bomb with a lit fuse. The patrons scream.
Rowlf	Oh, no!
Bartender	It's an apple!
Rowlf	And don't tell me —
Fozzie	Yes. The fuse is lit. (notices) The fuse is lit???
	He tosses the apple. BOOM! It explodes. When the smoke clears, Rowlf goes back to the piano and resumes playing.
Rowlf	And that's how it was, the day Kid Fozzie came into town.
	Applause.
Waldorf	That's one of the reasons I always thought the Muppets were weird.
Statler	Why's that?
Waldorf	They think explosions are funny.
Statler	Yes.
Waldorf	Explosions aren't funny.
	BANG! Stapler's cigar explodes.
Waldorf	Although some of them are really quite droll. (chuckles)

Blackout

Zoot	Juliet, what has one eye, sharp teeth and is long and fuzzy?
Juliet	I don't know.
Zoot	I don't know either, but you're wearing it.
Feather boa	Hiya, toots.
	She screams. It screams and flees off her neck.

Backstage

	Kermit looks around. Muppy goes upstairs. Scooter is in costume. Rowlf walks by them.
Kermit	Muppy, Scooter, you're on next.
Scooter	It's no use, Kermit.
Kermit	What?
Scooter	Muppy says if you won't change the title of the show, he's not going on. He's locked himself in his dressing room and he's not coming out.
Kermit	Yeah, but the "Simon Smith" number's on next.
Scooter	I know, I know.
Kermit	What are we gonna do?
Fozzie	Kermit? Kermit? Kermit? How come I'm not doing an act this week? Hm?
Kermit	Uh... uh, congratulations, Fozzie, you're doing an act this week.
	Scooter and Kermit go onstage.
Fozzie	Sometimes I can be very persuasive.

"Simon Smith"

	Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit	Ladies and gentlemen, "Simon Smith and his Amazing Dancing Bear."
	Dressed like a ringmaster, a mustachioed Scooter does most of the singing and dancing, while Fozzie, who is being led around the stage on a chain, hams it up all around him. Rowlf accompanies the duo on piano in the background.
Statler	Say, Waldorf, I was wondering if maybe you ... (goes silent while talking)
Waldorf	Darn, I'd better get some new batteries for my hearing aid.
Statler	(laughs) I fool him every time!
	Waldorf smacks him in the face.

Muppet Glee Club

	Kermit corrals a group of pigs, chickens and frogs.
Kermit	OK, uh, Muppet Glee Club, Muppet Glee Club onstage, please. Muppet Glee Club. OK. All right, Everybody in position, please. OK. Everybody ready? The Muppet Glee Club. One and two and …
	He starts conducting. Nothing happens.
Kermit	Uh, uh … wait, wait, wait. Something is amiss here.
Frog (RH)	I thought it was lovely.
Chicken (EO)	You wave that stick wonderfully.
Pig (DG)	Yeah, when it comes to stick waving, Kermit wrote the book.
Kermit	Uh, well, thank you, thank you. I do appreciate that kind comment, but uh, I would like to point out to all assembled here that this is a glee club.
Chicken (EO)	Oh, yes, that is what our letterhead says.
Kermit	Yeah. So when I wave this stick so wonderfully, I would like to hear something.
Muppet Glee Club	(murmuring)
Frog (JL)	We were remiss in that regard.
Kermit	OK. Here we go. One more time. The Muppet Glee Club. One and two and —
	They all sing different songs at once.
Kermit	Wait, wait, wait, Hold, hold, hold! Hold it, Hold it. Hold it. Hold it. Hold it. Stop. How shall I say this? Uh, excuse me, friends, but uh, to my ears at least, it would help a lot if you were all singing THE SAME SONG!
Muppet Glee Club	(murmuring) Oh, I love it!
Chicken (EO)	It's so wild!
Pig (DG)	The frog is a genius.
Miss Piggy	He's awful cute too.
Kermit	It really doesn't matter what song you sing, as long as we all agree to the song that we're going to sing.
Muppet Glee Club	(murmuring) OK.
Kermit	OK? Now, does anybody here have a favorite song?
Muppet Glee Club	(in unison) Yes!
Kermit	Uh, uh, w-what song is that?
Muppet Glee Club	(in unison) "Temptation"!
Kermit	Since there seems to be some consensus of opinion here, the Muppet Glee Club will now render "Temptation." Piggy, honey?
Miss Piggy	Hm?
Kermit	You can take the solo.
Miss Piggy	Yes, my love.
Kermit	OK. Here we go.
Miss Piggy	(aside) I love him.
Kermit	The Muppet Glee Club, "Temptation." One and two and —
	The Glee Club begins an a cappella rendition of "Temptation." Kermit lets Piggy take the solo in her first featured performance, and when her cue comes, she marches down the risers and throws herself at Kermit while he conducts, ultimately pinning him to the ground before chasing him offstage.

Goodnights

Kermit	Hey, Juliet, I want to tell you what a pleasure it was to have you with us on the show.
Juliet	Oh, Kermit, I really enjoyed it.
Kermit	Aw. And as a little token of our appreciation, we have a Muppet likeness of you right here.
Juliet	Oh, how sweet.
Kermit	I know you'd rather have the cash, but ...
Juliet	No, no, no, Kermit. This is just wonderful.
Juliet Muppet	Uh, can I come home with you?
Juliet	Well, of course you can.
Kermit	She's not as pretty as you, you know, but ...
Juliet	Oh, Kermit, thank you. (kisses him on the cheek)
Kermit	Ooh. Thank you. And thank you all for joining us. We'll see you all next time on The Muppet Show.
	The credits roll.
Waldorf	Well, what did you think?
Statler	Beats sitting home watching television.
Mahna Mahna	Mahna mahna!