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Main stage. Kermit enters.
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Kermit |
Ladies and gentlemen, it's cowboy time.
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Open on a saloon in the old west. Rowlf plays piano.
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Rowlf |
I'd been playing saloon piano in Snake City for three years. It was the roughest town in the West. I mean, we had some mean customers.
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Purple monster |
Howdy, Rowlf.
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Rowlf |
Uh, hello, Miss Kitty. (continues) I mean, they were tough. After three years I thought I'd seen it all. I'd seen the Clanton brothers, the Younger brothers, the James brothers … not to mention the Osmond brothers. But when Kid Fozzie came to town, I knew I hadn't seen nothin'.
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Fozzie enters, aiming a pair of pickles and talking in a deep voice.
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Fozzie |
All right, everybody. Reach for the floor.
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Rowlf |
Beg pardon?
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Fozzie |
Reach for the floor. This is a stickdown.
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Bartender |
You're confused, Kid. You ain't got no guns. Those are pickles.
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The patrons laugh. Fozzie glances at the pickles.
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Bartender |
That's right, folks. There he is, the fastest gherkin in the West.
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The patrons laugh.
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Cowboy |
You got a license to carry them pickles?
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The patrons laugh.
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Rowlf |
Hey, wh-when you get shot by a pickle at close range, do you get garlic burns?
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The patrons laugh.
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Fozzie |
All right, you asked for it.
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He fires the pickles in all directions, knocking down the chandelier. The bartender hands him a bag.
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Bartender |
(cowering) Sorry, Kid, I didn't know the pickles were loaded. Here's your money.
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Rowlf aims a revolver at Fozzie.
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Rowlf |
All right, Kid, don't make a move. I got you covered. Throw down your pickles.
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Fozzie |
OK. (throws them down) I don't need guns to fight you. I'll get you with my knife.
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He whips out a carrot. Rowlf knocks it out of Fozzie's hand.
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Rowlf |
Will you stop with the vegetables?
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Fozzie |
Boy, you shouldn't have done that. I'm a desperate bear, ready for desperate measures.
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He takes out an apple-bomb with a lit fuse. The patrons scream.
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Rowlf |
Oh, no!
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Bartender |
It's an apple!
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Rowlf |
And don't tell me —
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Fozzie |
Yes. The fuse is lit. (notices) The fuse is lit???
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He tosses the apple. BOOM! It explodes. When the smoke clears, Rowlf goes back to the piano and resumes playing.
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Rowlf |
And that's how it was, the day Kid Fozzie came into town.
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Applause.
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Waldorf |
That's one of the reasons I always thought the Muppets were weird.
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Statler |
Why's that?
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Waldorf |
They think explosions are funny.
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Statler |
Yes.
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Waldorf |
Explosions aren't funny.
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BANG! Stapler's cigar explodes.
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Waldorf |
Although some of them are really quite droll. (chuckles)
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