Episode 101: Outer Space/transcript

Cold open / Jim's Introduction

	At Muppet Central, Kermit greets the Extremes, a group of bug-eyed, big-mouthed singers.
Kermit	Uh, well, listen, Extremes, I'd like to welcome you to the show. I'm sure you're feeling a little bit shy, but don't worry. Uh, how's everything so far?
Purple Extreme	Well, you know, it makes me wanna …
Extremes	♪ SHOUT! (YEAH YEAH!) ♪ SHOUT! (YEAH YEAH!) ♪ SHOUT! (YEAH YEAH!) ♪ SHOUT! (YEAH YEAH!)
Purple Extreme	(music stops) You know, I feel…
Extremes	♪ ALL… ♪ RIGHT! YEAH!
	They all run off screaming, trampling over Kermit.
Kermit	(gets up) Oof! Whoo! You know, I think they're gonna fit right in. Digit, roll the opening.
	Digit presses a button on the remote, and the opening titles roll. Jim enters home base.
Jim	Hi there, and welcome to our very first show. We're all really excited about this.
	He glances at the lion, who growls.
Jim	Almost all of us are excited. Anyhow, this program will give you a chance to see a lot of different things. It represents the very best of the work we've been doing lately. Now, our show is usually divided into two half-hours. Tonight's second half is a beautiful, eerie tale from The Storyteller, called “The Heartless Giant”.
	A clip is shown as a teaser.
Jim	To begin our show, however, we go to MuppeTelevision. And the frog in charge of that is an old friend named Kermit. (to the lion) You remember Kermit?
	The lion shakes his head.
Jim	Listen, don't give me any trouble. (to the camera) Kermit presides over a place called Muppet Central, a huge control room into which feeds every video source you can imagine. And Kermit has to pick and choose the stuff he thinks we'll enjoy. Now he promises that tonight's episode is really going to be “out there”. I don't know what that means, but I assume it's a good thing. Kermit?
	Kermit responds from Muppet Central, as Digit tinkers with a VCR.
Kermit	Oh, yes! It's a very good thing! Uh, because tonight's show centers around the theme of science fiction. And I'm relying very heavily on Digit, since this whole area is very close to his heart.
Digit	Yes! When I die, I'm going to leave my body to science fiction.
	Fade to black.

MuppeTelevision Act 1

Opening number

Kermit	And so, without further ado…
Digit	Wait! Wait! Amazing news! I'm picking up TV signals from deep space!
Kermit	What?
Digit	Yes! Alien beings are transmitting TV programs, not unlike our own.
Kermit	Huh? But that would prove - that would prove that there's intelligent life in other galaxies!
Digit	No, it just proves they have television.
Kermit	Oh! Oh, listen, Digit! Why don't you see if you can feed the signal to our viewers … (Digit exits) … and I will go cancel some of the boring parts of this show!
	Louie Anderson appears on a monitor, looking around.
Louie	Wait just a minute there!
Kermit	Oh, hi, Louie.
Louie	Did I hear you cancel my spot?
Kermit	Oh, no, no, not - not you, Louie, you see, we'll be getting you a little bit later. Uh, just wait right there in that monitor.
Louie	Oh - oh, alright. Do you have any magazines?
Kermit	Uh, no, but uh, you might find this pretty interesting, 'cause Digit's gonna show us some alien TV shows! Digit?
	Digit emerges wearing a satellite dish.
Digit	(laughs) Oh, “that was no norblik, that was my peen-freeble”! Ha ha ha! That's great! I tell you, Kermit, this stuff is much more my kind of humor.
Kermit	Is that thing the receiver?
Digit	Yes. It's coming through loud and clear from somewhere in the Andromeda galaxy.
Kermit	Well, how do we get to see it?
Digit	Well, you don't. I'm using my head as a terminal, so the best I can do is describe it to you.
Kermit	What?
Louie	Oh, I've heard of this. It has a name. It's called radio.
Kermit	(frets) Uh, well, at least we've got an opening number. Uh, and here they are, The Extremes!
	The Extremes perform “Neutron Dance” on a stage. Once it's over, we go back to Muppet Central: Louie reads a magazine as Digit stands still.
Kermit	Wow, what an opening! Hey, Louie, how'd you like it?
Louie	(looks up) Huh? Oh, I, I loved it.
Kermit	Oh.
Louie	Now if you'll excuse me, I have to get ready for my number. (pulls a curtain)
Kermit	Hm. Okay. Uh, Digit? Oh, Digit? Are you still picking up television signals from the Andromeda galaxy?
Digit	Shh! Kermit, the glinstroff is loose! … Oh, lord, he's picking up the cupcakes! … Don't open the door!
Kermit	Must be some sort of intergalactic horror movie.
Digit	Oh no, don't do that!
Kermit	What'd they do, what'd they do??
Digit	They cut to commercial! Don't you just hate that?
Kermit	Good grief.
	The curtain on the monitor opens to reveal Louie sitting at a restaurant dinner table.
Kermit	Oh! Look, it's our guest star, Louie Anderson! Now here's something we can actually see.

My Dinner with Codzilla

	Louie talks to his guest at the restaurant dinner table.
Louie	Geez, I didn't expect such an elegant place. No, I was surprised that they made you put on that tie. I know how you resent that sort of thing.
	The guest is revealed to be Codzilla, a giant fish-monster.
Louie	Did it upset you?
	Codzilla roars.
Announcer (JN)	Coming to a specially selected theater near you. Louie Anderson's remake of a film classic, My Dinner with Codzilla.
Louie	I mean, I really admire the way you can express yourself so freely. I mean, look at me, here, right now. I really wanted this steak well-done. But I have to go through this whole, involved mental process, just to bring myself to send something back.
	Godzilla breathes fire onto the steak, searing it. Louie is impressed.
Louie	No … thanks! But see, that's what I mean - you can act on your impulses. While I sit here - I've got my mother's voice in my head, saying “Hey, what about your table manners?” I mean, do you ever have that kind of inner conflict when you're stomping down cities?
	Codzilla bites off part of the restaurant's upper foundation.
Louie	This was a four-star restaurant - I think you just knocked it down to two. That's what I admire about you. You're so, uh, I don't know - focused! You know what you want, and you go after it. Or am I just plugging into my need to … see you that way?
	Codzilla destroys more of the restaurant.
Announcer (JN)	Perplexing. Provocative. Challenging. My Dinner with Codzilla.
Louie	(looks at the bill) Let's see. You had Tokyo, right?
	Codzilla whips his tail around, sending a basin flying toward Louie. Back at Muppet Central…
Kermit	Boy. There's a movie to keep an eye out for.
Digit	Whoa! This beauty contest from outer space is fantastic!
Leon	(gasp) Beauty contest?? Wh- what part are they doing? What part?
Digit	The swimsuit competition.
Leon	(gasp) Uh, Digit, my friend, there must, I say there MUST be a way for all of us to see this!
Digit	Well, as a matter of fact, there…
Leon	Yeah? Yeah?
Digit	… there might be.
Leon	Oh, good, good, good, good!
	Digit removes a wire from his ear, then plugs it into a nearby machine. The program shows up on the monitor above.

Miss Galaxy Pageant

	The host (Chris Langham) makes his way down the steps to an audience of cheering aliens.
Marty	You join us on a very thrilling point in this year's Miss Galaxy Pageant. The judges are about to announce our winner. They'll be awarding points for beauty, intelligence, and genetic originality. And while we're waiting, let's talk with two of our lovely finalists: Jo Beth Garfdoohoo, Miss Crab Nebula!
	Jo Beth comes out, emitting a loud belch. The audience cheers as the fanfare plays and Jo Beth stands next to Marty.
Marty	Stand, stand here on this mark. And, Zsa Zsa Porkmustard, from the planet Koozebane! Come on out!
	Zsa Zsa comes out, walks over and stands next to Marty.
Marty	That's great, that's adorable, you - wait a minute. Now, Jo Beth - hi, Jo Beth.
Jo Beth	Yes? - Hi.
Marty	Are you nervous?
Jo Beth	A little.
Marty	Well, you shouldn't be, because you're LOVELY! You're LOVELY!
Jo Beth	Thank you.
Marty	What is your favorite thing about being a beauty queen?
Jo Beth	Well, uh, ahem … that's a hard question.
Marty	You mean there are so many favorite things?
Jo Beth	No, I mean, that's a hard question. Could you ask me an easier one?
	A small commotion from the audience.
Marty	Um … how about, what are your goals in life?
Jo Beth	First, I want to work with underprivileged children…
Marty	Uh huh …
Jo Beth	… and then eat them. (belch)
	The audience laughs.
Marty	Now, Zsa Zsa … for that talent spot, many of our contestants like to sing a song. You chose, instead, to excrete ammonia, while setting fire to your nose.
	Zsa Zsa warbles her answer, when a drumroll is heard.
Marty	Wait, I'm sorry to interrupt - hold that thought. This is the moment we've all been waiting for: the new Miss Galaxy is about to be crowned, so it's over to the judges!
Jo Beth	Too late! (belch) I've already eaten them. (slurps an arm)
	The audience boos and hisses. The theme music swells up.
Marty	(waves) And so, from the Hotel Swanky Ursa Major, this is, uh, Marty the Earthling, saying, I may be tasteless, but at the moment, that's all that's keeping me alive!
Jo Beth	Maybe a little hollandaise?
Marty	Stay away from me!
	Back at Muppet Central…
Leon	Whoa! That was disgusting! Let's see some more of that stuff.
	Louie appears on the monitor, folding a paper airplane.
Digit	Alright, but I need more power.
Leon	You got it, Digit!
	Louie throws the airplane out of the monitor, and it crashes loudly below Digit's feet.
Louie	… Gee, that's good paper.
	Leon hauls a giant power cable over.
Leon	(grunts) Here you go, Digit!
Digit	Oh, thank you, Leon.
Kermit	Wha - wait a second! That's the master input!
	Digit plugs the cable into his chest, and starts to smoke and crackle.
Kermit	(frets) That cable contains every video feed on the planet!
Leon	Whoa.
	The crackling stops.
Digit	Lucy, I'm home! And here's bachelor number 2. One of these days, Alice, POW, right in the kisser! Dr. Welby, will he be alright? Nanu Nanu!
	Leon laughs. Digit faints.
Louie	Bad news, Kermit. He's got the reruns.
Kermit	(nods) Uh, uh, cut to commercial!
	Digit reaches up and presses a button on the panel.

MuppeTelevision Act 2

Back to the show

	Clifford walks up to Kermit, who fiddles with a remote.
Clifford	Hey Kerm!
Kermit	Hmm?
Clifford	How's Digit?
Kermit	Uh, well, he's still in bad shape, but Lindbergh is giving him first aid.
Clifford	Wait a minute. Lindbergh is a TV repairman, a pipe fitter, and a cheap metal worker.
Kermit	The perfect man to give Digit first aid! (chuckles)
Clifford	(chuckles) I see what you mean.
Kermit	Yep.
Clifford	Hey, whatcha doin'?
Kermit	Uh, well, I thought I'd check and see what was on the Heavy Culture Channel.
Clifford	Hea-vy. Too heavy for me. (walks off)
	On the monitor, a group of British and French soldiers gather around a wreckage.
Announcer (JN)	And now, a dramatization of Count Leo Tolstoy's classic novel, War and Peace. This week, part 1: “War”.
	Something explodes behind them, and they all start attacking each other with clubs, until they get tired.
Announcer (JN)	Tune in next week for part 2: “Peace”.
	The soldiers all collapse on each other, and the monitor switches to Louie. Meanwhile, Lindbergh wheels Digit, still stuck in rerun mode.
Digit	Today's show was brought to you by the letter Friday, Joe Friday, with more precipitation Saturday morning. And you are no Jack Kennedy.
	Kermit turns a switch on Digit, who powers down.
Lindbergh	I don't seem to be able to fix him.
Louie	Are you a doctor?
Lindbergh	Well, I'm an expert in first aid and plumbing.
Louie	If he dies, could you come in and take a look at my sink?
	Kermit frets, when Waldo flies in. Louie continues reading his magazine.
Waldo	Kermit! I think I can help.
	Waldo's skin switches to a first aid kit.
Waldo	Prepare for surgery!
Kermit	Waldo, what are you gonna do?
Waldo	I'm goin' in!
	He zips into Digit's ear, and Digit suddenly comes to.
Kermit	Waldo!
Waldo	Not now, Kermit! I'm gonna try to jump-start him!
	Digit tries to start, but stalls like a car.
Digit	Ker-r-r-r-mit! Ker-r-r-rmit! Ker-r-rmit, he give a — give a good - (coughs)
Lindbergh	Waldo? Where are you now?
Waldo	I'm in a big room with lots of dusty file cabinets and, and cobwebs!
Kermit	Where's that?
Lindbergh	I think Waldo's made his way into Digit's brain. See if you can find the motor reflexes!
Waldo	Is this it?
	Digit starts doing “The Robot” dance, but collapses.
Lindbergh	Uh, right above that should be the emotion control!
	Digit gets up, starts caressing Kermit.
Digit	♪ Feelings, whoa, feelings … wish I'd never met you, girl …
Kermit	Turn it down! Turn it down!
Waldo	I'm drawing a blank, guys! Can you zap me out of here, Lindy?
Lindbergh	No problem! I'll just hit this yellow translocation button, and it'll beam you right out!
	He presses the button, but a beam sends him and Kermit into Digit's head.
Lindbergh	Whoa! Or beam us in!
	Digit reels from the impact.
Lindbergh & Waldo	Help! Get us outta here!
Kermit	Help! Hey, listen, if you can't get us out, uh, watch the fashion doll sketch on monitor 8!

Bootsie and Brad

	Amanda plays with her dolls as Foo-Foo watches. She places Bootsie behind a changing wall.
Amanda	Okay, Bootsie, here's all the stuff you need for a whole new adventure. Brad's gonna be so surprised.
Brad	(excited) C'mon, Bootsie! I'm going nutty! Let me see your new outfit!
Bootsie™	I'm getting dressed, Brad. (zips herself) This one's a little … complicated. (more zipping) So cool your retro rockets, and get ready for …
	She emerges in her space outfit, holding a helmet and briefcase.
Bootsie™	… Reach for the Stars Bootsie™!
Brad	Wow! I'd sure like to blast off with you, Boots! And catch that swingy space helmet!
Bootsie™	(holds up briefcase) And how about this dreamy Bootsie life support system?
Brad	(sadly) Well, I guess it's pretty nice.
Bootsie™	Hey! Why so glum, Brad?
Brad	(pouty) Well, I was just thinking. Here you are, Bootsie™ the fashion model, Bootsie™ the career girl, Bootsie™ the astronaut! With all these high powered careers, when are you gonna find time for me?
Bootsie™	Yes! I do have fabulous careers, Brad. And a wardrobe to go with each one! But there's one thing I need to make every outfit complete.
Brad	What's that, Boots?
Bootsie™	You, on my arm.
Brad	(relieved) Oh, Boots! And I was worried! Does that mean that we can be astronauts together?
Bootsie™	Well, Brad, being an astronaut takes a lot of special training, and tailoring.
Brad	I could learn!
	Amanda places a handmade oatmeal-box rocket beside them. Bootsie positions it, and sits on it with Brad.
Amanda	Here, Bootsie, I made you a spaceship of your very own.
Bootsie™	Okay, Brad. Get ready for your first lesson, in my new Bootsie™ Reach for the Stars Spacester™!
Brad	Wow! Kicky wheels, Boots!
Bootsie™	Hop on!
Brad	Wow! This astronaut stuff is a gas!
Bootsie™	Next time, I'll show you how to push the button that fires those zippy turbo thrusters.
Brad	This button, Boots?
	He presses the button, and goes zipping off as Amanda makes the rocket fly. Foo-Foo becomes excited, causing Brad to fall off the rocket.
Amanda	Whoops.
Brad	Wow, what a wicked ride!
	His arm falls off.
Bootsie™	Well, Brad, now you never have to worry about us being apart.
Brad	Whaddya mean, Boots?
Bootsie™	(holds up his arm) Well, wherever I go, I can still hold your hand.
	They both laugh.
Brad	Wow! What a nutty chick!

Inside Digit's brain

	Meanwhile, Kermit, Waldo and Lindbergh are still stuck inside Digit, who wakes up.
Kermit	Hey Lindbergh, get us outta here!
Lindbergh	I can't! I can't reach the yellow button from inside here.
	He ends up making Digit put his finger in his ear.
Waldo	If we work together, maybe we can get Digit to push the button!
	The three explore the steamy, crowded, wiry inside of Digit's head.
Kermit	Hmm, we have to figure out how to move him.
Waldo	Mm-hm. I'll look for a motor control.
Lindbergh	Hey, c'mere, look at this!
Kermit	What's that?
Lindbergh	It's a control marked “Locomotion”.
Kermit	Great. Push it.
	He pushes it. Digit starts dancing.
Digit	♪ Everybody's doing that brand new dance now! Come on, baby, do the locomotion!
	Digit's head shakes, rattling everyone inside.
Kermit	Lindbergh, turn it off!
	He shuts it off.
Waldo	Hey! I found the hand control.
	Digit starts slapping himself in the face.
Kermit	Uh, the feet, quick! Find the controls for the feet!
Lindbergh	I'll try these ones here!
	He manipulates two foot-shaped levers. Digit wobbles towards the control panel.
Kermit	Uh, no, no, push it the other way.
Lindbergh	I'll try.
Kermit	Uh, find the finger!
Lindbergh	Uh, finger here!
	Digit raises his left pointer finger.
Kermit	Now, the yellow button, quick!
Lindbergh	Turn! Turrrrrn…
Kermit	Towards the yellow button.
Lindbergh	Here we go! I'm getting closer. Here it goes!
	The yellow button is pushed, and the three are beamed out of Digit's head and back into Muppet Central.
Kermit	Huh, wow. Uh, everybody okay?
Waldo	Ooh, that was fun! Hoo-hoo-hoo!
Kermit	Uh, now what?
Lindbergh	(grabs Digit) I know I had a tool belt on when I went in.
	He shakes Digit, and hears a metallic rattling.
Kermit	Oh no!
Lindbergh	Aww.
Kermit	(notices monitor) Oops - Oh! Here's Louie Anderson.
	The “Space Guy” sketch plays on the monitor.

Space Guy

	A spacecraft flies through the galaxy.
Announcer (JN)	Space Guy, the thrilling story of a guy in space!
	The interior of the ship, controlled by Space Guy (Louie) and a team of lobsters. One of them crawls on his shoulder, and he throws it off.
Announcer (JN)	When last we left Space Guy, he and his faithful crew of lobsters had just escaped another harrowing experience.
Louie	Geez. That was a harrowing experience. (the lobsters nod) I'll tell you, this is one space guy who's never gonna mix anti-matter and beer nuts again.
	The lobsters laugh.
Lobster (FB)	Aah! Captain Space Guy!
Louie	What now, Lobster Debbie?
Lobster (FB)	I'm picking up communications from an alien vessel! Shall I put them on the view screen?
Louie	(whines) It's almost time for Bonanza! … Alright.
Lobster (FB)	Stop! Where's the remote?
Lobsters	Um… uh-oh…
Louie	Don't you tell me that remote is missing again!! (grabs two) I'm telling you, guys, you find that remote! Use those pincers! Or else tomorrow it's gonna be “lobsters for hire” in the paper! Look under the couch!
	POW! POW! The ship gets hit with a pink laser. A cute pair of eyes appears on the view screen.
Louie	What was that??
Lobster (RM)	Look! It's an alien being!
	Bean Bunny, surrounded by other bunnies, appears on the view screen.
Bean Bunny	Actually, I'm an alien Bean! (giggles) Hello! I'm Commander Bunny, from the planet Cutetron.
	The lobsters murmur.
Louie	Whaddya want?
Bean Bunny	Well, I wanna be your friend.
Louie	I don't have friends.
Bean Bunny	Aw, whaddya say? You wanna sing a song or play a game? (the rabbits agree)
Louie	Eat my socks, you little carrot-sucking pest! (he and the lobsters laugh) Now, let us go before my ferocious team of combat lobsters have to get rough!
Lobsters	(roaring)
Louie	I'm Space Guy!
Lobsters	(cheering)
Bean Bunny	Lobsters? What a coincidence! We just found all this melted butter, right?
	The bunnies cheer in agreement. The lobsters wave white flags and skedaddle.
Lobster (JN)	So long, space chump!
Louie	Hey! Hey, don't take the remote!
Bean Bunny	So are we friends now?
Louie	I'll see you as rabbit stew first, hare-ball!
	The bunnies gasp. Bean aims a weapon.
Bean Bunny	You know, you wouldn't be so cranky if you were cute! Maybe a little dose of the cute ray'll cheer you up.
	The ray shoots bubbles towards Space Guy, transforming his nose and hands.
Louie	Wha - my nose! Whaddya - (notices his paws) AHH! My hands! I'll get you for this, you piece of garbage! (giggles)
Bean Bunny	See? You just keep gettin' cuter and cuter!
	He fires more bubbles, and Space Guy sprouts rabbit ears.
Louie	Stop it, stop it! (giggles) Aw, you won't make me cute! You won't! Think of things that aren't cute! Toxic waste! Shotguns! Leonard Nimoy! Cigar butts! (sped-up voice) Balloons!
	The bunnies laugh.
Bean Bunny	One more oughta do it!
Louie	You can't do this to me! I'm not cute! I'm Space Guy! (sped-up voice) I'm Space Guy!
	The bunnies laugh. Bean shoots more bubbles.
Bean Bunny	Three's the charm! (giggles)
	Space Guy is now a cute little pink bunny with a sped-up voice.
Louie	Hi! I'm Pinkaboo, the cutest, cuddliest, most pinkaliciously wonderful person in the universe.
Bean Bunny	Pinkaboo?
Bunnies	(confused) Pinkaboo?
Louie	Will you be my friend?
	The bunnies all flee.
Bean Bunny	(gasp) Ooh. Maybe I set it too high.
	Caption: To Be Discontinued.

Closing number

	Digit is shut down, eyes closed.
Lindbergh	Kermit, we've tried everything.
Kermit	Poor Digit.
Lindbergh	Never mind Digit, what about my tool belt? (walks away)
Vicky	Mr. Kermit, it's time for the closing number.
Kermit	Uh …
Vicky	Oh. Who turned Digit off?
	She pushes a button on him, and he wakes up.
Vicky'	Morning, Digit. (walks away)
Digit	Morning, Vicky.
Kermit	Digit!
Digit	Kermit, why was I dreaming about a Philips screwdriver?
Kermit	Uh, never mind that, we're almost outta time!
	Digit briefly plugs the cable into his ear.
Digit	Kermit, there's a variety show from outer space you just have to see!
	Digit plugs the cable into the panel, and an image of a purple parallel Muppet universe appears.
Gonzo	A variety show from outer space?
Kermit	Uh, we don't have time for that, Gonzo, we have to do something about a closing number!
Timrek	Uh, we don't have time for that, Oznog! We have to do something about a closing number!
Kermit	Uh - what'd he say?
Timrek	Why, what did you say?
Kermit	Wait a second, who are you?
Timrek	I - I'm Timrek the Gorf. And we're the Teppums. Hey, you don't have any idea for a closing number, do you?
Kermit	Huh! Gee, I guess things are about the same the whole galaxy over. When you don't have a closing number, there's only one thing to do!
Timrek	Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
	The Muppets and the Teppums wear vaudevillian outfits and sing “Chattanooga Choo-Choo”, joined by the bunnies and the Extremes. Louie is still a bunny.
Louie	Kermit, how do I get out of this costume?
Kermit	That's not a costume.
Louie	What?
Kermit	We've merchandised you to sixteen toy companies.
Louie	Get my agent on the phone!
	They finish the song and cheer. Blackout.

Storyteller Intro

	Open on Jim petting the lion.
Jim	Some time ago, we got to wondering what it would be like to combine ancient European folktales with the visual punch and pace of today's music videos. Now that idea gave birth to our series of programs called The Storyteller, starring John Hurt. He's with us tonight, telling a tale called, “The Heartless Giant”.

Closing

	Open on Jim holding a miniature knight in armor.
Jim	Remember near the beginning of that story, you saw the giant pick up a knight in armor and fling him across the room? Well, here's that very knight. He's a little smaller than he looked, right? That's because the giant was not quite as big as he looked, either. He's just small enough for throwing.
	He tosses the knight, who gets up and limps away.
Knight (KC)	Oof! I'm just stupid enough to let it happen again!
Jim	Next week we'll have more comedy, more adventure and more fun. See you then.
Knight (KC)	Wrong way. Pardon me. 'Scuse me. Oh, tip! (falls over)
	The credits roll.