Episode 101: Outer Space/transcript

Cold open / Jim's Introduction

	At Muppet Central, Kermit greets the Extremes, a group of bug-eyed, big-mouthed singers.
Kermit	Uh, well, listen, Extremes, I'd like to welcome you to the show. I'm sure you're feeling a little bit shy, but don't worry. Uh, how's everything so far?
Purple Extreme	Well, you know, it makes me wanna …
Extremes	♪ SHOUT! (YEAH YEAH!) ♪ SHOUT! (YEAH YEAH!) ♪ SHOUT! (YEAH YEAH!) ♪ SHOUT! (YEAH YEAH!)
Purple Extreme	(music stops) You know, I feel…
Extremes	♪ ALL… ♪ RIGHT! YEAH!
	They all run off screaming, trampling over Kermit.
Kermit	(gets up) Oof! Whoo! You know, I think they're gonna fit right in. Digit, roll the opening.
	Digit presses a button on the remote, and the opening titles roll. Jim enters home base.
Jim	Hi there, and welcome to our very first show. We're all really excited about this.
	He glances at the lion, who growls.
Jim	Almost all of us are excited. Anyhow, this program will give you a chance to see a lot of different things. It represents the very best of the work we've been doing lately. Now, our show is usually divided into two half-hours. Tonight's second half is a beautiful, eerie tale from The Storyteller, called “The Heartless Giant”.
	A clip is shown as a teaser.
Jim	To begin our show, however, we go to MuppeTelevision. And the frog in charge of that is an old friend named Kermit. (to the lion) You remember Kermit?
	The lion shakes his head.
Jim	Listen, don't give me any trouble. (to the camera) Kermit presides over a place called Muppet Central, a huge control room into which feeds every video source you can imagine. And Kermit has to pick and choose the stuff he thinks we'll enjoy. Now he promises that tonight's episode is really going to be “out there”. I don't know what that means, but I assume it's a good thing. Kermit?
	Kermit responds from Muppet Central, as Digit tinkers with a VCR.
Kermit	Oh, yes! It's a very good thing! Uh, because tonight's show centers around the theme of science fiction. And I'm relying very heavily on Digit, since this whole area is very close to his heart.
Digit	Yes! When I die, I'm going to leave my body to science fiction.
	Fade to black.

MuppeTelevision Act 1

Opening number

Kermit	And so, without further ado…
Digit	Wait! Wait! Amazing news! I'm picking up TV signals from deep space!
Kermit	What?
Digit	Yes! Alien beings are transmitting TV programs, not unlike our own.
Kermit	Huh? But that would prove - that would prove that there's intelligent life in other galaxies!
Digit	No, it just proves they have television.
Kermit	Oh! Oh, listen, Digit! Why don't you see if you can feed the signal to our viewers … (Digit exits) … and I will go cancel some of the boring parts of this show!
	Louie Anderson appears on a monitor, looking around.
Louie	Wait just a minute there!
Kermit	Oh, hi, Louie.
Louie	Did I hear you cancel my spot?
Kermit	Oh, no, no, not - not you, Louie, you see, we'll be getting you a little bit later. Uh, just wait right there in that monitor.
Louie	Oh - oh, alright. Do you have any magazines?
Kermit	Uh, no, but uh, you might find this pretty interesting, 'cause Digit's gonna show us some alien TV shows! Digit?
	Digit emerges wearing a satellite dish.
Digit	(laughs) Oh, “that was no norblik, that was my peen-freeble”! Ha ha ha! That's great! I tell you, Kermit, this stuff is much more my kind of humor.
Kermit	Is that thing the receiver?
Digit	Yes. It's coming through loud and clear from somewhere in the Andromeda galaxy.
Kermit	Well, how do we get to see it?
Digit	Well, you don't. I'm using my head as a terminal, so the best I can do is describe it to you.
Kermit	What?
Louie	Oh, I've heard of this. It has a name. It's called radio.
Kermit	(frets) Uh, well, at least we've got an opening number. Uh, and here they are, The Extremes!
	The Extremes perform “Neutron Dance” on a stage. Once it's over, we go back to Muppet Central: Louie reads a magazine as Digit stands still.
Kermit	Wow, what an opening! Hey, Louie, how'd you like it?
Louie	(looks up) Huh? Oh, I, I loved it.
Kermit	Oh.
Louie	Now if you'll excuse me, I have to get ready for my number. (pulls a curtain)
Kermit	Hm. Okay. Uh, Digit? Oh, Digit? Are you still picking up television signals from the Andromeda galaxy?
Digit	Shh! Kermit, the glinstroff is loose! … Oh, lord, he's picking up the cupcakes! … Don't open the door!
Kermit	Must be some sort of intergalactic horror movie.
Digit	Oh no, don't do that!
Kermit	What'd they do, what'd they do??
Digit	They cut to commercial! Don't you just hate that?
Kermit	Good grief.
	The curtain on the monitor opens to reveal Louie sitting at a restaurant dinner table.
Kermit	Oh! Look, it's our guest star, Louie Anderson! Now here's something we can actually see.

My Dinner with Codzilla

	Louie talks to his guest at the restaurant dinner table.
Louie	Geez, I didn't expect such an elegant place. No, I was surprised that they made you put on that tie. I know how you resent that sort of thing.
	The guest is revealed to be Codzilla, a giant fish-monster.
Louie	Did it upset you?
	Codzilla roars.
Announcer (JN)	Coming to a specially selected theater near you. Louie Anderson's remake of a film classic, My Dinner with Codzilla.
Louie	I mean, I really admire the way you can express yourself so freely. I mean, look at me, here, right now. I really wanted this steak well-done. But I have to go through this whole, involved mental process, just to bring myself to send something back.
	Godzilla breathes fire onto the steak, searing it. Louie is impressed.
Louie	No … thanks! But see, that's what I mean - you can act on your impulses. While I sit here - I've got my mother's voice in my head, saying “Hey, what about your table manners?” I mean, do you ever have that kind of inner conflict when you're stomping down cities?
	Codzilla bites off part of the restaurant's upper foundation.
Louie	This was a four-star restaurant - I think you just knocked it down to two. That's what I admire about you. You're so, uh, I don't know - focused! You know what you want, and you go after it. Or am I just plugging into my need to … see you that way?
	Codzilla destroys more of the restaurant.
Announcer (JN)	Perplexing. Provocative. Challenging. My Dinner with Codzilla.
Louie	(looks at the bill) Let's see. You had Tokyo, right?
	Codzilla whips his tail around, sending a basin flying toward Louie. Back at Muppet Central…
Kermit	Boy. There's a movie to keep an eye out for.
Digit	Whoa! This beauty contest from outer space is fantastic!
Leon	(gasp) Beauty contest?? Wh- what part are they doing? What part?
Digit	The swimsuit competition.
Leon	(gasp) Uh, Digit, my friend, there must, I say there MUST be a way for all of us to see this!
Digit	Well, as a matter of fact, there…
Leon	Yeah? Yeah?
Digit	… there might be.
Leon	Oh, good, good, good, good!
	Digit removes a wire from his ear, then plugs it into a nearby machine. The program shows up on the monitor above.

Miss Galaxy Pageant

	The host (Chris Langham) makes his way down the steps to an audience of cheering aliens.
Marty	You join us on a very thrilling point in this year's Miss Galaxy Pageant. The judges are about to announce our winner. They'll be awarding points for beauty, intelligence, and genetic originality. And while we're waiting, let's talk with two of our lovely finalists: Jo Beth Garfdoohoo, Miss Crab Nebula!
	Jo Beth comes out, emitting a loud belch. The audience cheers as the fanfare plays and Jo Beth stands next to Marty.
Marty	Stand, stand here on this mark. And, Zsa Zsa Porkmustard, from the planet Koozebane! Come on out!
	Zsa Zsa comes out, walks over and stands next to Marty.
Marty	That's great, that's adorable, you - wait a minute. Now, Jo Beth - hi, Jo Beth.
Jo Beth	Yes? - Hi.
Marty	Are you nervous?
Jo Beth	A little.
Marty	Well, you shouldn't be, because you're LOVELY! You're LOVELY!
Jo Beth	Thank you.
Marty	What is your favorite thing about being a beauty queen?
Jo Beth	Well, uh, ahem … that's a hard question.
Marty	You mean there are so many favorite things?
Jo Beth	No, I mean, that's a hard question. Could you ask me an easier one?
	A small commotion from the audience.
Marty	Um … how about, what are your goals in life?
Jo Beth	First, I want to work with underprivileged children…
Marty	Uh huh …
Jo Beth	… and then eat them. (belch)
	The audience laughs.
Marty	Now, Zsa Zsa … for that talent spot, many of our contestants like to sing a song. You chose, instead, to excrete ammonia, while setting fire to your nose.
	Zsa Zsa warbles her answer, when a drumroll is heard.
Marty	Wait, I'm sorry to interrupt - hold that thought. This is the moment we've all been waiting for: the new Miss Galaxy is about to be crowned, so it's over to the judges!
Jo Beth	Too late! (belch) I've already eaten them. (slurps an arm)
	The audience boos and hisses. The theme music swells up.
Marty	(waves) And so, from the Hotel Swanky Ursa Major, this is, uh, Marty the Earthling, saying, I may be tasteless, but at the moment, that's all that's keeping me alive!
Jo Beth	Maybe a little hollandaise?
Marty	Stay away from me!
	Back at Muppet Central…
Leon	Whoa! That was disgusting! Let's see some more of that stuff.
	Louie appears on the monitor, folding a paper airplane.
Digit	Alright, but I need more power.
Leon	You got it, Digit!
	Louie throws the airplane out of the monitor, and it crashes loudly below Digit's feet.
Louie	… Gee, that's good paper.
	Leon hauls a giant power cable over.
Leon	(grunts) Here you go, Digit!
Digit	Oh, thank you, Leon.
Kermit	Wha - wait a second! That's the master input!
	Digit plugs the cable into his chest, and starts to smoke and crackle.
Kermit	(frets) That cable contains every video feed on the planet!
Leon	Whoa.
	The crackling stops.
Digit	Lucy, I'm home! And here's bachelor number 2. One of these days, Alice, POW, right in the kisser! Dr. Welby, will he be alright? Nanu Nanu!
	Leon laughs. Digit faints.
Louie	Bad news, Kermit. He's got the reruns.
Kermit	(nods) Uh, uh, cut to commercial!
	Digit reaches up and presses a button on the panel.