The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 102: Connie Stevens.
Theme[]
Kermit | It's The Muppet Show with our very special guest star, Connie Stevens, and from Sesame Street, Ernie and Bert. |
Fozzie | Hey! That Gonzo is so dumb, he just heard that we're running short of water so he wants us to dilute it. |
Kermit | To introduce our guest star, that's what I'm here to do, so it really makes me happy, to introduce to you... Miss Connie Stevens! |
Connie Stevens tussles with The Mutations | |
Gonzo hits the "O" and it shatters |
Opening Number[]
Main Stage. Kermit enters | |
Kermit | Thank you, thank you, thank you, and welcome to The Muppet Show. Hey, our special guest star is the beautiful and vivacious Miss Connie Stevens. So we're gonna have a great show for you tonight, and matter of fact, right now I'd like you to meet another friend of mine. Her name is Lydia, Hit it! |
The curtain opens, revealing Rowlf playing piano and Animal playing drums in the background,in the foreground, Kermit sings Lydia, the Tattooed Lady as Lydia,a tattoed pig dances next to him | |
Kermit and Lydia exit the stage, and encounter a waiting Miss Piggy | |
Kermit | Oh, uh, Piggy, Have you met Lydia? |
Miss Piggy | No, Have you met my left fist? |
Miss Piggy then punches Kermit | |
Statler | I love it, I love it! |
Waldorf | Of course he loves it, He's the kind of guy who plants poison ivy. |
Backstage[]
Gonzo follows Hilda, trying to get her attention | |
Gonzo | Hilda, Hilda, Could I ask a great big favor? |
Hilda | Oh, Gonzo, I'm very busy right now. |
Gonzo | Oh, but I brought my teddy bear in just especially for you to repair. |
Hilda | Gonzo, aren't you a little old to carry around a teddy bear? |
Gonzo | Really? You think I'm emotionally mature enough to move up to a Raggedy Ann? |
Hilda | Gonzo, I categorically, absolutely refuse to repair that teddy bear. |
Gonzo | Can I take that to mean "maybe"? |
Fozzie exits a dressing room upstairs | |
Hilda | (Exasperated) Oh. |
Gonzo | Oh, come on, Hilda, What do you say? Huh? |
Hilda | I say that bear is the worst thing I have ever seen in this theater. Why not get rid of him? |
Gonzo | But, but Hilda! |
Hilda and Gonzo exit | |
Fozzie | The bear is the worst thing she's ever seen in this theater? My whole life is flashing before my eyes. |
The Swedish Chef[]
Swedish Chef | (Singing)
Yøeng, bør dëng, |
He tosses away the ladles | |
Swedish Chef | (addresses viewer) In dis bøwl de Swëdish Mëatbäll. (He picks up a salt shaker) Here is dër sauce dër mëatbälls. |
After adding seasoning to the meatballs, he picks up a spatula, and accidentally spills one meatball out of the pot | |
Swedish Chef | Das no good, Oop! |
He picks up another meatball and bounces it on the table | |
Swedish Chef | Oh, Is a bëencey bøüncy bürger, eh? I serve dë bürger comme ça. |
He picks up a tennis racket and begins "serving" the meatballs | |
Statler serves them back from his box | |
Waldorf | 15 love! |
Backstage[]
Wayne and Wanda exit their dressing room | |
Wayne | Kermit, this is an ultimatum, we sing tonight or else! |
Wanda | Kermit's not here, Wayne. |
Wayne | Hmm, Hiding from my wrath, no doubt. |
Wanda | That's funny, He's not on stage either. |
Wayne | Wanda, no one is on stage. |
Wanda | You mean? |
Wayne | Yes, This is our chance, We must grasp it! |
Wanda | But this is supposed to be the place for the Connie Stevens spot. |
Wayne | Oh, we'll cut the Connie Stevens spot. |
Connie Stevens exits her dressing room and stands behind Wayne, who is unaware of her presence | |
Wayne | Who needs the Connie Stevens spot? Who cares about the Connie Stevens spot? |
Wanda exits back into their dressing room, and Wayne becomes aware the Connie Stevens is standing behind him | |
Wayne | I can't wait for the Connie Stevens spot! |
He runs back into his dressing room. Connie then walks down the stairs, stopping midway | |
Connie Stevens | Well, I thought Kermit was gonna introduce me. |
Kermit enters below Connie on the floor | |
Kermit | And indeed he shall. |
Connie Stevens | Hi, Kermit. |
Kermit | Hi, Connie, Wow, Hey, listen, gang, I'd like to introduce that indefatigable blonde bundle of beauty and talent, Miss Connie Stevens/ |
Connie Stevens | Wow! |
Kermit | And that was only your backstage introduction. When you sing your song, I'm gonna pull out all the stops. |
Connie Stevens | Aw, thanks, Kermit, You're so kind. |
Kermit | It was my pleasure. Incidentally, I've been looking at this number you're gonna do, and I don't remember ever hearing it before. |
Connie Stevens | Yeah, well, when I get done with it, you may never hear it again. Listen, it was a big hit back in the '50s. |
Kermit | Oh, yeah? |
Connie Stevens | And I would like to dedicate this to my old boyfriend, Jimmy McAfee, he used to sing this to me in his hot rod back in 1956, in the front seat. |
Kermit | Oh, yeah? Your first love, huh? |
Connie Stevens | Yeah, sure was a beautiful car. |
Kermit | I I, I meant Jimmy McAfee. |
Connie Stevens | Oh, yeah, Jimmy McAfee, Kermit, boy, did I love him. He had this long, thick, greasy hair, you know, and he used to wear this big leather jacket, and you know something? If we had saved Jimmy's hair we wouldn't have anyoiI shortage today. |
Kermit | I can't wait to hear the song, And like I told you earlier, we got a group to back you up. |
Connie Stevens | Fantastic! |
The Mutations rush out of their dressing room, growling | |
Connie Stevens | Is that the group? |
Kermit | Yep, You called it. |
Connie Stevens | Well, they aren't The Temptations. |
Kermit | No, those are The Mutations. |
Connie Stevens | Delightful. |
Kermit | Yeah, Well, I tell you what, I'm gonna go out there, and give you a big 1950s disc-jockey style introduction, OK? |
Connie Stevens | OK. |
Kermit | Whoo! |
"A Teenager in Love"[]
Kermit | This is Kermit the Frog, your favorite jock, with all the top tunes of today spinning merrily out your way stacks and stacks of wax and wax, and this is a golden oldie, a blast from the past, The fabulous Connie Stevens and The Mutations with a platter that mattered way back in 1956, Let's lock on "Teenager In Love," Connie, you're on! |
Connie sings "Teenager in Love" backed up by the Mutations. At the end of the song, Connie and the Mutations battle for the audience's applause, as they already did in the opening theme | |
Statler | Ah, how poignant, I remember being a teenager in love. |
Waldorf | Yeah, but Queen Victoria wouldn't have you! |
Backstage[]
At the Dance[]
Dr. Teeth | I see they've finally started to class this place up. |
Mildred Huxtetter | How do you mean? |
Dr. Teeth | They're making the rats wear neckties. |
A Rat wearing a necktie dancing with Miss Mousey then pass in front of them | |
Rat | two, three, dip. One, two, three, dip. |
Animal is then shown dancing with Trumpet Girl | |
Animal | One, two, three, dip. |
He dips her too hard, and she screams | |
Animal | One, two, three, dip. |
He again dips her too hard causing her to scream again | |
Female Whatnot | Bruce, this is not a fox trot. |
The couple turn around revealing Bruce to the audience | |
Bruce | It is to me. |
UK Spot: Ain't Misbehavin'[]
Floyd Pepper sings "Ain't Misbehavin'" with backup from Zoot and Janice. |
Talk Spot[]
Kermit | Uh, Connie, at last (He crosses his legs) we're alone. |
Connie Stevens | You know something? I think it's terrific being with you. |
Kermit | Oh, yeah? |
Connie begins singing (They Long to Be) Close to You to Kermit, Fozzie then joins in singing to Connie, who then begins singing to Kermit again, Fozzie- Jealous walks back to his side of the wall, until Connie begins singing to both of them, and they all three close out the song | |
Waldorf | I'd like to get close to Connie Stevens, but I'm too close to something else. |
Statler | Well, what's that? |
Waldorf | 90. |
Backstage[]
In Fozzie's dressing room, he packs his things | |
Fozzie | I've had it, Now that I know what people think of me here, I'm leaving the show. |
Gonzo | (On the other side of the door) Oh, hi, guys, Say, I'm curious, What do you think of him? |
Fozzie | Listen, they're talking about me, Well, I will not listen, |
Scooter | What do I think of the bear? Why, he's funny. (through the door): No, no, really, Every time I look at him he makes me want to laugh and laugh. Oh, I think he's just great. |
Gonzo | (through the door) Oh, well, I'm glad you like him too, (on-screen): Kermit thinks it's a disgrace to have him around and says we ought to get a new one. |
Scooter | Well, that'd be nice too. |
Fozzie is aghast | |
Fozzie | The bear can barely bear it, folks. |
Sax and Violence[]
Nigel | OK, Zoot, It's time for your solo, have you looked over the music? |
Zoot | Yeah. You expect me to play this, man? |
Nigel | What else would you do with it? |
Zoot | If I had a match, I could put it out of its misery. |
Nigel | Trust me, Zoot. This is a great little number. |
Zoot | Eh, what if I refuse to play it? |
Nigel | What if I get a new sax player? |
Zoot | What if you and I just get right down to it and do this little beauty? Huh? |
Nigel | Good thought. |
Zoot | Yeah. Forgive me, Charlie Parker, wherever you are. |
Zoot begins playing "Sax and Violence", and is soon joined by Mahna Mahna playing percussion on a bell, soon he begins hitting Zoot's Saxaphone and punching him in the face, Zoot plays into his Sax one last time, blowing him up |
Gonzo's Act[]
Backstage[]
Muppet News Flash[]
The Newsman | Here's a Muppet news flash. And now, to Washington DC for a direct call on our hot line. |
He picks up the phone, but it's hot | |
The Newsman | Ooh! Oh! Oh! |
Closing Number[]
Kermit | And now it's time to present two old friends of ours all the way from Sesame Street, here they are now the two and only, Ernie and Bert. |
Ernie | Thank you, thank you, thank you. Gee, it's really great to be here, right, Bert? |
Bert | Uh Guess so. |
Ernie | Well, what's wrong, Bert? |
Bert | Well, I mean, uh I feel funny being here, this is a big TV variety show, you know. |
Ernie | Well, so? |
Bert | Well, I I'm no performer. |
Ernie | Oh, Bert, A suave, sophisticated showman like you, Bert? |
Bert | Oh, sure, sure, You see, I know you, you're gonna keep on saying I'm suave and sophisticated, and then when I start to believe it, then you're gonna say how pointy head I have, and how floppy arms I have, and, and how dull I am, I know you. |
Ernie | Oh, Bert, Bert, Bert. |
Bert | What? |
Ernie | Now, you must admit though, Bert, that the head up there is a little bit pointy, Bert, and you must admit that the arms are a little bit floppy and soggy, Bert. (He flaps Bert's arm) See that? |
Bert | Mm-hm, Mm-hm, Mm-hm. |
Ernie | And Bert? Bert? |
Bert | What? |
Ernie pulls off Bert's nose | |
Ernie | The nose is still loose, Bert. |
Bert | Now cut that out! |
Ernie | Oh, oh, I'm sorry, Bert, here, there we go, Bert. |
Ernie places Bert's nose back onto his face | |
Bert | Yeah, See what I mean? I mean, that old loose nose joke is funny on Sesame Street, but this is big time, Ernie. I mean, they're expecting an act or something. |
Ernie | Hey, Bert, wait a minute, |
Bert | What? |
Ernie | You can do an act, all you need are the clothes, Bert. |
Bert | Ah, no Clothes? |
Ernie | Come here, Bert, Step right over here. |
Bert | No, I No, stop it. |
Ernie | No, no, right over here, Bert. |
Ernie drags Bert offscreen | |
Bert | I know what you have in mind, Stop it! |
Ernie comes back on screen | |
Ernie | And here he is now, that suave, sophisticated showman, my old buddy, Bert. |
Bert comes out wearing a tuxedo, top hat and cane | |
Ernie | Well, Bert? What do you say? |
Bert | (singing) Some enchanted evening |
Ernie | Beg pardon, Bert? |
Bert | (singing) You may see a stranger |
a set begins rolling in | |
Ernie | What's going on here? |
Bert begins singing "Some Enchanted Evening" and serenades Connie Stevens | |
Bert | Ernie? |
Ernie | Hmm? |
Bert | Ernie, come here. |
Ernie | What, Bert? |
Bert | Did I just make a complete fool of myself? |
Ernie | Absolutely, Bert. |
Bert | Take me home, I feel terrible. |
Ernie | OK, Come on, Bert. |
Goodnights[]
Kermit | Well, Connie, we sure want to thank you for being with us on the show tonight. |
Connie Stevens | Well, thank you, Kermit, I had a ball. |
Kermit | Uh, listen, Hey, we'd also like to present you with a little gift that we give to all our guest stars on the show: a Muppet likeness of yourself. |
A Muppet likeness of Connie walks out | |
Connie Stevens Muppet | Uh, hiya, Connie, Do you think there's room for two of us in this business? |
Connie Stevens | Well, can you sing and dance? |
Connie Stevens Muppet | Uh, no. |
Connie Stevens | Well, then, there's plenty of room. Thanks a lot, Kermit, This is a lovely surprise, I would like to thank... |
Connie Stevens gets dragged offstage by Gonzo's plant, Connie Stevens Muppet chases after | |
Kermit | Oh, no. It's a... It's a crazy Great Gonzo tomato plant! (yelling offstage): Hey, make sure Connie's OK, and tell Gonzo that either the plant goes or he goes, (addresses audience): We lose more guests that way, Anyhow, take care of yourselves, and we'll see you next time on The Muppet Show. |
Ending Theme | |
Statler | Well, do you think this show is educational? |
Waldorf | Yes, it'll drive people to read books. |