The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 102: Connie Stevens.


Kermit It's The Muppet Show with our very special guest star, Connie Stevens, and from Sesame Street, Ernie and Bert.
Fozzie Hey! That Gonzo is so dumb, he just heard that we're running short of water so he wants us to dilute it.
Kermit To introduce our guest star, that's what I'm here to do, so it really makes me happy, to introduce to you... Miss Connie Stevens!
Connie Stevens tussles with The Mutations
Gonzo hits the "O" and it shatters

Opening Number

Main Stage. Kermit enters
Kermit Thank you, thank you, thank you, and welcome to The Muppet Show. Hey, our special guest star is the beautiful and vivacious Miss Connie Stevens. So we're gonna have a great show for you tonight, and matter of fact, right now I'd like you to meet another friend of mine. Her name is Lydia, Hit it!
102-2 102-3
The curtain opens, revealing Rowlf playing piano and Animal playing drums in the background,in the foreground, Kermit sings Lydia, the Tattooed Lady as Lydia,a tattoed pig dances next to him
Kermit and Lydia exit the stage, and encounter a waiting Miss Piggy
Kermit Oh, uh, Piggy, Have you met Lydia?
Miss Piggy No, Have you met my left fist?
Miss Piggy then punches Kermit
Statler I love it, I love it!
Waldorf Of course he loves it, He's the kind of guy who plants poison ivy.


Gonzo follows Hilda, trying to get her attention
Gonzo Hilda, Hilda, Could I ask a great big favor?
Hilda Oh, Gonzo, I'm very busy right now.
Gonzo Oh, but I brought my teddy bear in just especially for you to repair.
Hilda Gonzo, aren't you a little old to carry around a teddy bear?
Gonzo Really? You think I'm emotionally mature enough to move up to a Raggedy Ann?
Hilda Gonzo, I categorically, absolutely refuse to repair that teddy bear.
Gonzo Can I take that to mean "maybe"?
Fozzie exits a dressing room upstairs
Hilda (Exasperated) Oh.
Gonzo Oh, come on, Hilda, What do you say? Huh?
Hilda I say that bear is the worst thing I have ever seen in this theater. Why not get rid of him?
Gonzo But, but Hilda!
Hilda and Gonzo exit
Fozzie The bear is the worst thing she's ever seen in this theater? My whole life is flashing before my eyes.

The Swedish Chef

Swedish Chef (Singing)

Yøeng, bør dëng,
De hü, badeskedøø,
Ye bø gedür deyør
Mmm børk børk børk!

He tosses away the ladles
Swedish Chef (addresses viewer) In dis bøwl de Swëdish Mëatbäll. (He picks up a salt shaker) Here is dër sauce dër mëatbälls.
After adding seasoning to the meatballs, he picks up a spatula, and accident spills one meatball out of the pot
Swedish Chef Das no good, Oop!
He picks up another meatball and bounces it on the table
Swedish Chef Oh, Is a bëencey bøüncy bürger, eh? I serve dë bürger
He picks up a tennis racket and begins serving the meatballs
Statler serves them back from his box
Waldorf 15 love!


Wayne and Wanda exit their dressing room
Wayne Kermit, this is an ultimatum, we sing tonight or else!
Wanda Kermit's not here, Wayne.
Wayne Hmm, Hiding from my wrath, no doubt.
Wanda That's funny, He's not on stage either.
Wayne Wanda, no one is on stage.
Wanda You mean?
Wayne Yes, This is our chance, We must grasp it!
Wanda But this is supposed to be the place for the Connie Stevens spot.
Wayne Oh, we'll cut the Connie Stevens spot.
Connie Stevens exits her dressing room and stands behind Wayne, who is unaware of her presence
Wayne Who needs the Connie Stevens spot? Who cares about the Connie Stevens spot?
Wanda exits back into their dressing room, and Wayne becomes aware the Connie Stevens is standing behind him
Wayne I can't wait for the Connie Stevens spot!
He runs back into his dressing room. Connie then walks down the stairs, stopping midway
Connie Stevens Well, I thought Kermit was gonna introduce me.
Kermit enters below Connie on the floor
Kermit And indeed he shall.
Connie Stevens Hi, Kermit.
Kermit Hi, Connie, Wow, Hey, listen, gang, I'd like to introduce that indefatigable blonde bundle of beauty and talent, Miss Connie Stevens/
Connie Stevens Wow!
Kermit And that was only your backstage introduction. When you sing your song, I'm gonna pull out all the stops.
Connie Stevens Aw, thanks, Kermit, You're so kind.
Kermit It was my pleasure. Incidentally, I've been looking at this number you're gonna do, and I don't remember ever hearing it before.
Connie Stevens Yeah, well, when I get done with it, you may never hear it again. Listen, it was a big hit back in the '50s.
Kermit Oh, yeah?
Connie Stevens And I would like to dedicate this to my old boyfriend, Jimmy McAfee, he used to sing this to me in his hot rod back in 1956, in the front seat.
Kermit Oh, yeah? Your first love, huh?
Connie Stevens Yeah, sure was a beautiful car.
Kermit I I, I meant Jimmy McAfee.
Connie Stevens Oh, yeah, Jimmy McAfee, Kermit, boy, did I love him. He had this long, thick, greasy hair, you know, and he used to wear this big leather jacket, and you know something? If we had saved Jimmy's hair we wouldn't have anyoiI shortage today.
Kermit I can't wait to hear the song, And like I told you earlier, we got a group to back you up.
Connie Stevens Fantastic!
The Mutations rush out of their dressing room, growling
Connie Stevens Is that the group?
Kermit Yep, You called it.
Connie Stevens Well, they aren't The Temptations.
Kermit No, those are The Mutations.
Connie Stevens Delightful.
Kermit Yeah, Well, I tell you what, I'm gonna go out there, and give you a big 1950s disc-jockey style introduction, OK?
Connie Stevens OK.
Kermit Whoo!

"A Teenager in Love"

Kermit This is Kermit the Frog, your favorite jock, with all the top tunes of today spinning merrily out your way stacks and stacks of wax and wax, and this is a golden oldie, a blast from the past, The fabulous Connie Stevens and The Mutations with a platter that mattered way back in 1956, Let's lock on "Teenager In Love," Connie, you're on!
Connie sings "Teenager in Love" backed up by the Mutations. At the end of the song, Connie and the Mutations battle for the audience's applause, as they already did in the opening theme
Statler Ah, how poignant, I remember being a teenager in love.
Waldorf Yeah, but Queen Victoria wouldn't have you!


Gonzo Kermit, don't tell me you don't like him either.
Fozzie peaks through a opening in the door next to Kermit and Gonzo
Kermit Well, what's to like, Gonzo? That bear is the worst, I say let's get rid of him, OK?
Gonzo But he's a nice bear, Come on, I don't care if he is moldy-looking, I like him.
Kermit walks off with Gonzo in tow
Fozzie (addresses audience) Did you hear? Only Gonzo likes me, and he thinks I'm moldy.

At the Dance

Dr. Teeth I see they've finally started to class this place up.
Mildred Huxtetter How do you mean?
Dr. Teeth They're making the rats wear neckties.
A Rat wearing a necktie dancing with Miss Mousey then pass in front of them
Rat two, three, dip. One, two, three, dip.
Animal is then shown dancing with Trumpet Girl
Animal One, two, three, dip.
He dips her too hard, and she screams
Animal One, two, three, dip.
He again dips her too hard causing her to scream again
Female Whatnot Bruce, this is not a fox trot.
The couple turn around revealing Bruce to the audience
Bruce It is to me.

UK Spot: Ain't Misbehavin'

Floyd Pepper sings "Ain't Misbehavin'" with backup from Zoot and Janice.

Talk Spot

Kermit Uh, Connie, at last (He crosses his legs) we're alone.
Connie Stevens You know something? I think it's terrific being with you.
Kermit Oh, yeah?
Connie begins singing (They Long to Be) Close to You to Kermit, Fozzie then joins in singing to Connie, who then begins singing to Kermit again, Fozzie- Jealous walks back to his side of the wall, until Connie begins singing to both of them, and they all three close out the song
Waldorf I'd like to get close to Connie Stevens, but I'm too close to something else.
Statler Well, what's that?
Waldorf 90.


In Fozzie's dressing room, he packs his things
Fozzie I've had it, Now that I know what people think of me here, I'm leaving the show.
Gonzo (On the other side of the door) Oh, hi, guys, Say, I'm curious, What do you think of him?
Fozzie Listen, they're talking about me, Well, I will not listen,
Scooter What do I think of the bear? Why, he's funny. (through the door): No, no, really, Every time I look at him he makes me want to laugh and laugh. Oh, I think he's just great.
Gonzo (through the door) Oh, well, I'm glad you like him too, (on-screen): Kermit thinks it's a disgrace to have him around and says we ought to get a new one.
Scooter Well, that'd be nice too.
Fozzie is aghast
Fozzie The bear can barely bear it, folks.

Sax and Violence

Nigel OK, Zoot, It's time for your solo, have you looked over the music?
Zoot Yeah, You expect me to play this, man?
Nigel What else would you do with it?
Zoot If I had a match I could put it out of its misery.
Nigel Don't joke me, Zoot, This is a great little number.
Zoot Yeah, What if I refuse to play it?
Nigel What if I get a new sax player?
Zoot What if you and I just get right down to it and do this little beauty?
Nigel Good thought.
Zoot Yeah. Forgive me, Charlie Parker, wherever you are.
Sax & Violence
Zoot begins playing "Sax and Violence", and is soon joined by Mahna Mahna playing percussion on a bell, soon he begins hitting Zoot's Saxaphone and punching him in the face, Zoot plays into his Sax one last time, blowing him up

Gonzo's Act

Kermit OK, And now for your amazement and confusion, The Muppet Show's resident weird person, Gonzo the Great, will grow a tomato plant whilst playing the 1812 Overture on the violin.
1812 Overture
Gonzo Thank you, thank you, this is the tomato plant, and I am the Gonzo.
Kermit, Hilda and Scooter watch on from stage right
Kermit This act may not last long.
Gonzo begins playing, and gets booed
Gonzo Whoo! Whee-aaa-hahah!
Kermit In fact, it's over.


The plant begins growing out of control, and Gonzo stumbles stage right, with the plant collecting Hilda and Scooter
Kermit Well, they're gonna be tied up for a while.
Fozzie approaches Kermit
Fozzie Goodbye, Mr. Frog.
Kermit Uh, Fozzie? Where are you going?
Fozzie Oh, I've been hearing what they've been saying about the old bear here, so I'm going home, I'm leaving the show business.
Fozzie prepares an exit
Kermit But...
Gonzo enters
Gonzo Kermit,
Fozzie Bye.
Gonzo If the bear goes, I go,
Fozzie runs back and hugs Gonzo
Fozzie Wha Gonzo, I never realized! Oh, boy, oh, boy, OK, OK, The ball is in your court, frog.
Kermit Uh, wait a minute, Wait a minute, wait a minute, Hold it, Hold it. Listen, Fozzie, when you heard people saying they didn't want the bear around here they were referring to Gonzo's teddy bear, not to you.
Fozzie Teddy bear? (he pushes Gonzo aside) Oh, you mean Then you really want me to stay on the show?
Kermit Of course I want you to stay on the show, you're a star, you're a legend in your own time.
Fozzie Oh!
Kermit (Addresses audience) Am I laying it on a little too thick?
Fozzie Oh, I don't know what to say, except that if you, the frog, want me, the bear, to stay, then I just have to have a raise.
Kermit What?
Fozzie Oh, yeah, Yeah, I want an even bigger dressing room, and a limousine.
Kermit Will you get out of here, Fozzie?
Fozzie Thank you, sir, Thank you, Thank you,
Gonzo Yeah, well, like I was saying, Kermit, if the bear goes, the Gonzo goes.
Kermit OK, OK, You can stay, the teddy bear can stay, both bears can stay, The Gonzo can stay. Phew! Sometimes the crown weighs rather heavy on this little froggy head.

Muppet News Flash

The Newsman Here's a Muppet news flash. And now, to Washington DC for a direct call on our hot line.
He picks up the phone, but it's hot
The Newsman Ooh! Oh! Oh!

Closing Number

Kermit And now it's time to present two old friends of ours all the way from Sesame Street, here they are now the two and only, Ernie and Bert.
Ernie Thank you, thank you, thank you. Gee, it's really great to be here, right, Bert?
Bert Uh Guess so.
Ernie Well, what's wrong, Bert?
Bert Well, I mean, uh I feel funny being here, this is a big TV variety show, you know.
Ernie Well, so?
Bert Well, I I'm no performer.
Ernie Oh, Bert, A suave, sophisticated showman like you, Bert?
Bert Oh, sure, sure, You see, I know you, you're gonna keep on saying I'm suave and sophisticated, and then when I start to believe it, then you're gonna say how pointy head I have, and how floppy arms I have, and, and how dull I am, I know you.
Ernie Oh, Bert, Bert, Bert.
Bert What?
Ernie Now, you must admit though, Bert, that the head up there is a little bit pointy, Bert, and you must admit that the arms are a little bit floppy and soggy, Bert. (He flaps Bert's arm) See that?
Bert Mm-hm, Mm-hm, Mm-hm.
Ernie And Bert? Bert?
Bert What?
Ernie pulls off Bert's nose
Ernie The nose is still loose, Bert.
Bert Now cut that out!
Ernie Oh, oh, I'm sorry, Bert, here, there we go, Bert.
Ernie places Bert's nose back onto his face
Bert Yeah, See what I mean? I mean, that old loose nose joke is funny on Sesame Street, but this is big time, Ernie. I mean, they're expecting an act or something.
Ernie Hey, Bert, wait a minute,
Bert What?
Ernie You can do an act, all you need are the clothes, Bert.
Bert Ah, no Clothes?
Ernie Come here, Bert, Step right over here.
Bert No, I No, stop it.
Ernie No, no, right over here, Bert.
Ernie drags Bert offscreen
Bert I know what you have in mind, Stop it!
Ernie comes back on screen
Ernie And here he is now, that suave, sophisticated showman, my old buddy, Bert.
Bert comes out wearing a tuxedo, top hat and cane
Ernie Well, Bert? What do you say?
Bert (singing) Some enchanted evening
Ernie Beg pardon, Bert?
Bert (singing) You may see a stranger
a set begins rolling in
Ernie What's going on here?
Bert begins singing "Some Enchanted Evening" and serenades Connie Stevens
Bert Ernie?
Ernie Hmm?
Bert Ernie, come here.
Ernie What, Bert?
Bert Did I just make a complete fool of myself?
Ernie Absolutely, Bert.
Bert Take me home, I feel terrible.
Ernie OK, Come on, Bert.


Kermit Well, Connie, we sure want to thank you for being with us on the show tonight.
Connie Stevens Well, thank you, Kermit, I had a ball.
Kermit Uh, listen, Hey, we'd also like to present you with a little gift that we give to all our guest stars on the show: a Muppet likeness of yourself.
A Muppet likeness of Connie walks out
Connie Stevens Muppet Uh, hiya, Connie, Do you think there's room for two of us in this business?
Connie Stevens Well, can you sing and dance?
Connie Stevens Muppet Uh, no.
Connie Stevens Well, then, there's plenty of room. Thanks a lot, Kermit, This is a lovely surprise, I would like to thank...
Connie Stevens gets dragged offstage by Gonzo's plant, Connie Stevens Muppet chases after
Kermit Oh, no. It's a... It's a crazy Great Gonzo tomato plant! (yelling offstage): Hey, make sure Connie's OK, and tell Gonzo that either the plant goes or he goes, (addresses audience): We lose more guests that way, Anyhow, take care of yourselves, and we'll see you next time on The Muppet Show.
Ending Theme
Statler Well, do you think this show is educational?
Waldorf Yes, it'll drive people to read books.
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