Episode 103: Billy Crystal/transcript

Cold open

	Seymour opens the elevator. Mildred and another passenger get off.
Seymour	Main studio entrance.
Passenger	Yeah.
Seymour	Okay, have a nice day.
	Clifford talks to Bobo, who holds a clipboard.
Clifford	Okay, this is your first day on the job. Let's go over this one more time, okay?
Bobo	Yes, yes. Uh, I am the security guard.
Clifford	Mm-hm.
Bobo	My job is to keep unwanted and/or suspicious characters from entering these premises.
Clifford	Good, good. Now how do you know they can enter?
Bobo	Ooh, good one. Uh, I sniff their musk glands, and if the scent is familiar, I let them in.
	A beat.
Clifford	No, man, you check the list!
Bobo	Oh! Oh yes, check the list!
Clifford	If their name is not on the list, you don't let them in. Comprendo?
Bobo	Yes, yes, comprendo. (repeats to self) If their name is not on the list, I don't let them in. If their name is not on the list, I don't let them in.
Clifford	Okay, okay, you got it, you got it. (walks)
Bobo	(stops Clifford) Whoa-whoa-whoa! Hold it up there, big fella.
Clifford	What?
Bobo	Where do you think you're going?
Clifford	I'm going inside, man. I got a show to do.
Bobo	Uh … sorry, sir, your name is not on the list.
Clifford	Aw, come on! I gotta host the show.
Bobo	Hello? If your name is not on the list, you don't get in.
Clifford	Hello? If my name is not on your paycheck, you don't get paid.
	A beat.
Bobo	Have a good day, sir.
	Clifford walks along.

Theme

	Kermit opens the doors to the Muppet Theater.
Kermit	It's Muppets Tonight, with our very special guest star, Billy Crystal! YAAAYY!
	He is immediately trampled by theater patrons. Clifford sings the theme song while wandering through the dressing room to the control room to the stage, as Jowls whistles. Clifford reaches the stage, goes to a wall and throws a switch which lights up the show's title.

Opening

	Main stage. Clifford enters to applause.
Announcer	Here's the host of our show, Clifford!
Clifford	Yeah. Hey! Good evening, good evening. Welcome to Muppets Tonight, the show critics everywhere are calling... Muppets Tonight. Ha ha ha ha. Our guest this evening is a funny man, yet a humble man. A comedian who hasn't let stardom go to his head--
Billy	(off-screen) Introduce me already!
Clifford	All right. Mr. Billy Crystal!
	Applause. Billy, dressed as a gladiator, makes a grand entrance on a bed carried by four pigs.
Clifford	Give it up!
Billy	Down, down, down.
	They lower him. He gets off the bed and flexes for the crowd.
Clifford	Billy, Billy, Billy, yo, yo, yo. Welcome to Muppets Tonight.
Billy	Muppets Tonight? Buddy told me I'm doing American Gladiators. Where's Nitro?
Clifford	No, man, it's the Muppets.
Billy	Oh, great. I'm allergic to felt. I mean, look at me. I'm all buffed up and no place to go. I look like the Michelin man here.
	Clifford looks confused.
Billy	I'm kidding. It's a joke. Did you see what I did?
Clifford	Yeah, you did it.
Billy	I wore this whole thing for you guys, 'cause I love the Muppets. I'm glad to be here.
Clifford	Well, we love you too, Billy.
Billy	Well, great!
Clifford	You know, I make a point of going out to see all of your movies.
Billy	Oh, good. What's your favorite?
Clifford	When Harry Met Sally.
Billy	Oh, that's a good movie.
Clifford	Boy, and that Meg Ryan? Mmm, mmm, mmm.
Billy	Yeah, she's cute.
Clifford	Yeah, you ought to know. Mmm, mmm, mmm.
Billy	Don't go there.
Clifford	All right, I won't. (chuckles)
Billy	You know, it's a funny thing. We had a very good chemistry together in that movie, Meg and I.
Clifford	Uh huh.
Billy	But uh, the director, Rob Reiner, well, we weren't really his first choice at first.
Clifford	Get out of here!
Billy	I swear. We both screen tested with different actors and actresses.
Clifford	Huh?
Billy	I brought with me …
Clifford	Mm-hm.
Billy	… a very rare screen test of me and an actress that you know real well. You want to see it?
Clifford	Yeah!
Billy	Alright, let's roll the clip.
	The monitor is lowered behind Billy.
Clifford	Uh, Billy? Over here.
Billy	Oh. Ha ha ha.
	A clip is shown on the monitor. Rob holds a slate.
Rob Reiner Muppet	Alright, come on, let's get this now. I'm — I'm right on the edge here, I could go either way. Alright. And the next one that calls me "Meathead" is going to get it! When Harry Met Sally screen test, take 73. (clap!) Action!
	Pan over to Billy and Piggy sitting at a table. A waiter takes her order.
Miss Piggy	Alrighty, now, I'd also like to have that with the, uh, mayo and onions on the side, and uh, and French fries on the side, and, oh, oh, coleslaw on the side--
Billy	You know what, Sally? You are what my mother would call a good eater. The only thing you didn't order was a side of beef.
Miss Piggy	Oh, oh, that's a good idea. A side of beef.
Waiter	On the side?
Billy	There's no more room on the side. Put it right in the middle so she won't have to reach. (to Piggy) Let me put new words in your vocabulary, okay — "I'm full." Try this whole sentence-- "No, I couldn't possibly eat more marble cake."
Miss Piggy	(sarcastic) Ha ha ha. So, Casanova, what happened with your hot date last night?
Billy	Oh, Sally, it was a disaster. She canceled. She had a bad cold.
Miss Piggy	Are you sure she had a cold?
Billy	(falsetto) Yes, I'm sure she had a cold. (normal) I heard her sneeze, twice.
Miss Piggy	(laughs) Harry, Harry, Harry, your naiveté is tres amusant. Did you ever think she may have faked the sneeze to get out of the date with you? Hmm?
Billy	Faked a sneeze?
Miss Piggy	Yes, yes.
Billy	No way.
Miss Piggy	Listen, Harry, take it from moi, most women at one time or another have faked a sneeze to get out of a date.
Billy	Really? Well, excusez-moi, Miss "I'm jealous of Babe" — you don't think I can tell the difference between a real? sneeze and a fake sneeze?
Miss Piggy	(leans in) No.
Billy	Pfft. Get outta here. (laughs)
Miss Piggy	(feigning a sneeze) Ah... Ohh... Ohh... Ahh... Ohh...
Billy	You okay?
	She hams it up, getting out of her chair. The other patrons stare at her.
Miss Piggy	Ohh... Ohhhhh... Ohh, ohh, ohh... Ohh... Ohh... Ohh... Ah...Ah...Ah... Ah...Ah... Ah...Ah... Ah...Ah... Ah...Ah... Ah...Ah...Ah... Ah... Ah... Ah...Ah... Ah...Ah...Ah... Ah...Ah... (sneezes right in his face) Ahhhhh-chooooo!
	She goes back to her table, humming.
Miss Piggy	(sighs)
Billy	(imitates her)
Patron (LCR)	Waiter, I'll have what she's having, only less pepper.
	Switch to the nursing home.
Statler	Mm, there's a lot to be said for this program.
Waldorf	Too bad you can't say it on a family show.
	They chuckle.

Backstage

Nigel	(into the mic) Roll three, take five, and go! Somebody get me a coffee!
	"Tales from the Vet" plays on the monitor. Nigel addresses Andy and Randy.
Nigel	Alright, boys, boys. Now, I have a very easy task for you, alright?
Andy	Good, that doesn't sound so hard.
Randy	No, I thought it was going to be much worse.
Nigel	No, I haven't explained it yet!
Andy	Oh.
Nigel	Alright. Now, this is a button--
Randy	Wait, wait, slow down!
Nigel	(sigh) Now, this is a button! You press it once, and the house lights will go on.
Andy	Oh.
Nigel	You press it again, and the house lights will--
Andy	Hey — what happens when you press these two buttons? (presses one)
Nigel	No, not that one!!
	The panel flips up and whacks Nigel.
Andy & Randy	Cool!
Randy	Oh, wow.
	Meanwhile, Clifford leads Billy backstage.
Clifford	Oh, man, I love it! Come on, I can't get enough of it. Come on, tell me how I look. Come on, do it again.
Billy	Oh, please, don't make me do it again, please?
Clifford	My mom told me that used to be funny.
Billy	Okay, last time for your mom.
Clifford	All right, for my mom.
Billy	(as Fernando) Cliff, darling, with your crazy Katzenjammer hair, you look marvelous. Ha ha ha ha.
Clifford	Yeah, that's great.
	Billy walks away; Clifford stops him.
Clifford	No, no, no — how would Muhammad Ali respond to that?
Billy	Oh, Cliff, come on--
	Other Muppets gather around.
Man (FO)	He's gonna do Ali. He's gonna do Ali! Ali!
Muppets	(chant) Ali! Ali! Ali! Ali! Ali!
Billy	Okay, okay, okay. (imitates Muhammad Ali) Everybody's talking about Joe Frazier. I don't want to talk about Joe Frazier. I like your show, I admire your style, but your pay's so cheap, I ain't gonna be back for a while.
	The others laugh.
Man (FO)	That's good. Hey, have him — have him do Sammy.
Clifford	Yeah? Billy? Billy?
Billy	Yeah?
Clifford	What if Sammy Davis Jr. walked in the room?
Man (FO)	Yeah, yeah.
Rizzo	Do Sammy! Come on, come on, come on!
Clifford	Do it, do it.
Rizzo	Yeah.
Billy	(imitating Sammy) Alright, I'll do Sammy, my little cheddar-chomping chum.
Rizzo	(laughs)
Clifford	(laughs)
Billy	I love being in show business, which is the business of doing a show. Especially with you Moppets, and I mean that. I'm excited.
Muppets	(laugh)
Clifford	See, now that's what we want for the closing number.
Billy	Closing number? Well, you know, I've done that so many times, I'd really like to do something different. Let me throw something at you.
Rizzo	Watch out, everybody! He's got a grenade!
	Rizzo and Clifford duck. The other Muppets scatter.
Billy	No, no, no, no.
Clifford	Fellas, come back. Come back here. Come here. Come on, now.
	Clifford and Rizzo get up.
Billy	Come on — I want to play some jazz.
Rizzo	Oh.
Billy	You know, like a musical number, an old-fashioned jazz number. I got my own band coming. Big names. They're gonna be here in about 10 minutes. Huh?
Clifford	Sounds good to me.
Billy	Great.
Clifford	Uh, but you know what would be even better?
Billy	What's that?
Clifford	If Muhammad Ali could be the band leader.
Billy	No, no, Cliff, I don't want to, please.
	Billy walks away; Clifford and Rizzo follow him and continue to hound him. Meanwhile, Dr. Phil van Neuter approaches Andy and Randy at the smoKing panel.
Phil	Did somebody call for a doctor? (looks down) Oh, oh!
	He picks up Nigel, with a scrunched-up nose.
Phil	Oh, yes, an excellent choice for reconstructive surgery. Mulch!
Nigel	Cue the musical number.
Phil	Yes, excellent choice. (presses a button)

"The Lion Sleeps Tonight"

	Open on a jungle at night. A lion yawns and relaxes. A lizard sings the opening refrain of "The Lion Sleeps Tonight", soon joined by other animals. A baboon sings the first verse, backed by parrots and even flowers. The lion covers his ears.
Lion (FO)	Aw, come on, guys. I gotta work in the morning.
	A zebra and gazelle join the song. The lion uses pillows to cover his ears.
Lion (FO)	Oh, please! Please, I'm exhausted!
	The singing continues.
Lion (FO)	Will you knock it off!
	As the tempo increases, the lion starts chasing the animals away.
Lion (FO)	Stop singing! Stop singing! Bernie, stop it! Stop it!
	Clifford comes out from backstage.
Clifford	Hey, what's happenin'? You guys didn't finish the song.
	He is trampled by the stampede.
Clifford	Come on, man--oof!
Sam the Eagle	Clifford, Clifford, get up! Get up! We have a major problem.
Clifford	Oh! You're telling me, Sammy.
Sam the Eagle	I'm about to do my first political commentary program, and two of my distinguished guests-- CNN's Larry King and our very own Mr. Poodlepants-- have not yet shown up! (shakes Clifford)
Clifford	So what you're scopin' out for is two happenin' cats to hang out with you on your rap show.
Sam the Eagle	I have no idea what you're talking about. Just get me two guests for my show. Please, please.
Clifford	You don't want just anybody.
Sam the Eagle	Yes, yes. I'm desperate. I'll take anyone.
Clifford	Well, in that case, I got just the guys for you.
Sam the Eagle	Oh! Oh, oh, good. Thank you. And, Mr. Larry King had better have a VERY good excuse for standing me up. Humph!
Clifford	Uh-huh.
	He glances up at the control room, where Andy and Randy tamper with the machinery and cause more electrical damage.

Lobby

	Larry King enters through the doors and walks up to Bobo.
Larry King	Hoo hoo hoo hoo. Hey, I'm Larry King. I'm a guest on The Muppet Show tonight. Buzz me right in.
Bobo	Uh, I'm sorry, sir. Uh, your name again?
Larry King	King. Larry King. What are you doing? They're expecting me inside. I gotta get in. Come on.
Bobo	Alrighty, alright. (looks at list)
Larry King	King. Larry King.
Bobo	Larry King. I got a Larry Keen... and I got a Larry Klimas. No King, sir. Sorry. Have a good day, huh?
Larry King	I don't believe this. Listen, I'm Larry King. I'm on in 220 countries.
Bobo	Oh, you tipped your hand there. Oh, yeah. I know you're a phony. Ha ha ha ha ha!
Larry King	What are you talking about?
Bobo	Uh huh, uh huh. I happen to know for a fact that there are only 191 countries. Here. Let me show you... (picks up a globe) Now, uh, right, uh, right here, Larry. Looky here. (points) There's one...
Larry King	I don't believe this.
Bobo	There's two... two, and … there's another one, look, another one. Three.
Larry King	(points) Four here.

The Eagle's Nest

	Open on Sam, Andy and Randy sitting at a desk. The theme music plays as the pigs butt heads with each other.
A. Ligator	And now it's time for politics and punditry, from The Eagle's Nest.
Sam the Eagle	Uh--ahem. Good day. I am Sam Eagle, and let's talk politics. Our distinguished panel today includes Messrs. Andy and Randy Pig.
	They razz at each other.
Andy	Hey, wait, you're a (razz)!
Randy	No, you're a (razz)!
Andy	No, you're a double (razz)! with a (razz) on top.
Randy	Am not!
Andy	You are too!
Sam the Eagle	Will you stop that!?
	They quiet down and sit.
Sam the Eagle	Ahem. Our topic today is taxes. What is your opinion of the new tax bill?
Andy	My name isn't Bill.
Randy	Yeah, why are you calling him Bill? His name is Randy.
Andy	I'm not Randy. I'm Andy.
Randy	Good. Then I must be Bill.
Sam the Eagle	No, no, no, no, no! A tax bill in the House!
Randy	Why do you want to attack Bill in his house?
Andy	That's tellin' him, Bill.
Randy	Thanks, Bill.
Sam the Eagle	(facepalms) And they say purgatory doesn't exist.
Mr. Poodlepants	Here I am! Here I am! Oh, I'm sorry I'm late, Mr. Eagle. You know, the Twirly-woo Trolley stopped me at Checkpoint Chuckle, 'cause I didn't have my nonny-nonny passport! (laughs)
Sam the Eagle	Unfortunately, that explanation is the most logical thing I've heard in the past five minutes. Mr. Poodlepants ...
Mr. Poodlepants	Yes?
Sam the Eagle	...what is your opinion of taxes?
Mr. Poodlepants	Oh, Texas, the longhorn state! And speaking of long horns... Woo-hoo!
	He whips out a large Viking horn and blows it.
Randy	(looks up) Avalanche!
Andy	Run for your lives, Bill!
Randy	I'm way ahead of you, Bill!
	They both run away, along with Mr. Poodlepants.
Sam the Eagle	Don't be ridiculous! We're in a sound stage. There's not going to be--
	An avalanche of snow falls on him. The theme music resumes.
Sam the Eagle	I'll get you for this, Larry King, wherever you are.
	Back in the lobby, Larry watches as Bobo continues pointing to countries on the globe.
Bobo	Uh, there you go. 172... And there's, uh, 173.
Larry King	(sigh)
Bobo	And, uh, 174.
Larry King	Wait, wait, wait!
Bobo	Hmm?
Larry King	St. Kitts and Nevis are two countries.
Bobo	No, no. No, sir. No, Larry. It's a constitu-- (Larry interrupts) No. No. Constitutional monarchy. Single federation. (Larry rolls his eyes) Let's see--oh. Oh, great. Great. I--I lost my place. Okay... There we go. There's one... there's two... You following me, Larry? You with me?
	Music button.

"City Shtickers"

	Open on a western setting. Billy, Fozzie and Kermit ride horses while driving a herd of cattle.
A. Ligator	And now, in the tradition of Punsmoke and Sappy Trails, Muppets Tonight presents Billy Crystal in City Schtickers.
Billy	Well, here we are, three big city comedians on a cattle drive, huh?
Fozzie	(nods with Kermit) Yeah.
Kermit	You know, this is exactly what we needed. Just smell that fresh country air.
Billy	Fresh country air? I smell stale dairy air.
Fozzie	Ah! Ah!
Kermit	(groans)
Billy	Did you see what I did, Kermit? I took what you said, "the country air," and I made it "dairy," 'cause of the cows and into a, a joke... ooh, rough canyon, I'll tell you that right now.
Horse (KC)	Hey, quit horsing around!
	Fozzie, the horses and cattle all laugh.
Billy	Hey, it's bad when the horses are funnier than us, huh? Let's sing!
	The three of them sing a verse of "Ragtime Cowboy Joe".
Billy	Boy, that ended quick. I must have been channeling Roy Rogers.
Fozzie	Hey, I think the cows liked it.
Kermit	I dunno. That cow in the maternity dress didn't like it.
Fozzie	Oh, no no. Cows don't wear maternity dresses...
Kermit	No?
Fozzie	...they wear moo-moos.
Kermit	(groans)
Billy	(brings the drive to a stop) Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
Fozzie	Whoa! Whoa!
Billy	Let's make a pact, okay? The next one who says a pun gets it right between the eyes. Okay? 'Cause I'm gettin' steamed.
	One of the cows moos.
Kermit	Oh, hey, Billy, you have to do something. That cow back there is about to have a ??calf.
Billy	I can't do anything. I ordered a decaf.
	Kermit and Fozzie groan.
Billy	But I –– (flusters) You got me doing it.
Cow (LCR)	Billy! Please! Help me! (faints)
Billy	Alright, I'll do it. I'll deliver the calf.
Fozzie	And if you don't deliver it in 30 minutes, we get it free.
	A beat.
Billy	STOP IT! (Fozzie flinches)
Fozzie	Sorry.
	Billy gets off the horse and attends to the cow. He pulls up Animal.
Billy	Hey! Look what I made! I made a...
Animal	Mommy! Mommy!
Billy	I made a mistake, that's what I made. (shoves Animal away and gets back on the horse) Come on, let's sing, 'cause we have no ending.
Kermit	Good idea.
	They resume singing "Ragtime Cowboy Joe", until ...
Bull (JN)	No more singing! Stampede!
Kermit	Oh, no!
	The cattle stampede away, rattling the three rustlers. Switch to the nursing home.
Statler	That bit was breathtaking.
Waldorf	Careful. You may not have too many left.
	They chuckle.
Statler	Nurse, my medication! Get my nitroglycerin!
	A nurse sets off a detonator, and Statler explodes right on the spot.
Waldorf	(to nurse) I'll just have a glass of warm milk.
	The nurse laughs.

The Tubmans of Porksmith

	Carter makes his way to Howard with a piece of paper. Howard sits at the table, snacking away on an ear of corn.
Carter	Sir?
A. Ligator	And now, the continuing saga of America's oldest and fattest family, The Tubmans of Porksmith.
Carter	Mr. Tubman, sir …
Howard	Yes?
Carter	I have terrible news.
Howard	(gasp) Don't tell me we're out of gooseberries again. Carter, how many times do I have to tell you? Buy in bulk. If you're not buying in bulk, you're gonna find that —
Carter	No, sir — it's a telegram. Your great aunt Polly has died.
Howard	(gasp) … Oh, that's awful. (pause) … Pass the head cheese, would you, Carter?
Carter	But — you don't understand, sir. She's left you ten million dollars.
Howard	(pounds the table) Oh, this is EXCELLENT! Oh! Oh!
Carter	But sir, there's a catch.
Howard	What?
Carter	(hands him the paper) It says …
Howard	It says …
Carter	… you'll only get the money …
Howard	"… only get the money …"
Both	"…if you lose 100 pounds by noon on Tuesday the 12th."
Howard	(looks at him) — Good grief, Carter! Today IS Tuesday the 12th!
Carter	Mm.
Howard	And it's almost noon! Quick, quick! The treadmill! Come on! (gets up)
Carter	Yes — oh — I'll help you, sir. (strains)
Howard	Push the table out.
Carter	Just — uh — okay. (strains)
Howard	No, no, no — here — grab a hold. Grab a hold. I'm here. Pull! (grabs his neck)
Carter	Okay, sir — oh no, not — not the neck, sir.
	They strain. Howard finally pops out of the chair.
Howard	Pull! Pull me — oof!
	Moments later, Howard runs on the treadmill.
Howard	Okay, Carter …
Carter	Hmm?
Howard	… how am I doing?
Carter	Uh, not very good, sir.
Howard	What?
Carter	You've only lost six ounces so far.
Howard	Well, then crank it up faster.
Carter	Yes, sir. (pulls a lever)
Howard	There you go. That'll do it. How am I doing?
Carter	Well, a little better. You're up to eight ounces.
Howard	Well, at this rate, I'll never get that inheritance! (pants) Alright, turn it up full speed!
Carter	But — but, sir …
Howard	Do it, man!
Carter	Very well, sir. (pulls the lever)
Howard	Okay! (feels pulse) 2000 beats per minute! Is that good?
Carter	Um, well, sir, you've actually gained two pounds.
Howard	Oh, this'll never do! Turn this blasted thing off!
Carter	Um, very well, sir.
	He stops the machine. Howard immediately lands on the wall, opening a small door containing a cache of small pastries.
Howard	Oh! Oh! Oh, it's raining cheesecake! Oh! Oh!
Carter	Sir, another telegram.
Howard	What?
Carter	Your aunt Polly has recovered.
Howard	Well, that's impossible! She's dead! (pants)
Carter	But you know how very stubborn she is.
Howard	Yes, yes, okay. Well. So much for the million dollars.
Carter	Hmm.
Howard	But let's look on the bright side. Yes, the bright side … is I've worked up a powerful appetite. Bring on the chicken and dumplings, Carter! And don't skimp on the gravy like you did last time!
Carter	Very well, sir. (leaves)
	Music button.
Howard	(breathes) Yes!

Lobby

	Sal leads Johnny through the lobby.
Sal	Johnny Fiama, comin' through! Make way for Johnny Fia--
	The jungle animals from earlier run past, chased by the lion.
Animals	♪ a-wimoweh ... ooh ooh...
Bobo	(nonchalant) Okay. Take care. Bye-bye.
Lion (FO)	(roars)
Bobo	Right back at you, buddy. Bye-bye.
	A beat.
Sal	Johnny Fiama! Comin' through!
Bobo	(stops him) Hold it up there, J. Fred Muggs. Where do you think you're goin'?
Sal	This is Johnny Fiama! He's booked on tonight's show, so get out of the way, Smokey the Butt-head!
Bobo	That's one. Let me?? take a look at my list here. (looks at clipboard) Let's see, we got Johnny Depp,?? uh, Johnny Ola, ??Larry King –– oh? Oh, he is on the list.
Sal	Hey, c'mon, c'mon, c'mon, you got Johnny Fiama waiting' over here! He's a very important performer. So, hurry it up, Yogi the--the... Butt-head!
Bobo	That's two.
Sal	Listen to me, bear. You let Johnny Fiama in, or I'm gonna make a throw rug out of you and put you in Johnny's bathroom, you--you grizzly...
Bobo	Butt-head?
Sal	Yeah!
Bobo	And that's three. (grabs Sal) Come here, you... little monkey.
Johnny	Hey, Sal, I just checked the schedule. I'm not on the show tonight, huh. Ain't that a laugh?
	Bobo whacks Sal against the desk.
Sal	Y-y-yeah, that's funny, Johnny!
Johnny	Hey, come on, Sal. Quit foolin' around with your new buddy. Let's get out of here, huh?
	Bobo throws Sal out the door; Sal lands in traffic.
Sal	Johnny Fiama's leaving the building!
Johnny	Hey, Sal, that is one nutty way to stop a cab. (laughs)

Billy's jazz number

	Nigel sits at the control panel with a bandaged nose.
Nigel	Alright, ready to cue camera one...
Techie (BB)	Cue camera one.
Nigel	Let's set up for the bison bossa nova in 3, 2, 1, cue.
Techie (BB)	Cue.
Nigel	(flails) What? No! Camera one!
	Clifford and Rizzo enter the control room.
Clifford	You tell Billy the bad news.
Rizzo	No way! You tell him.
Clifford	No, you tell him.
Rizzo	Why should I have to tell him?
Clifford	Because I'm the man, and you're the rat. I got genetic seniority.
Rizzo	Oh, brother...
Billy	What bad news?
	They see him and become sheepish.
Rizzo	Uh ... Soylent Green is people?
Billy	Everybody knows that.
Rizzo	Oh.
Billy	Come on, what's the bad news? They shot Sonny on the causeway?
Clifford & Rizzo	Uh...
Billy	The National League adopted the DH?
Clifford & Rizzo	Ehh...
Billy	We're not in Kansas anymore?
Clifford & Rizzo	Err...
Billy	What is it?
Clifford	It's about the big all-star band you put together.
Billy	Oh, I know, I'm excited, too. (as Ricky) This band is unbelievable, ha-ha!
Rizzo	You tell him.
Clifford	No, you tell him.
Rizzo	No, you tell him.
Clifford	No, you tell him, man.
Rizzo	I'm not gonna tell him...
Billy	Fellas! Fellas! Somebody just tell me.
Rizzo	Aw, they didn't show up. You don't have a band. No band, no bee-bop, Billy.
Clifford	Yeah. I guess we have to cancel the number.
Billy	Wait a second. Wait –– we don't have to cancel the number. We can still do the number.
Clifford & Rizzo	How?
Billy	I'll do it with you guys.
Rizzo	Oh, no, I'm not very musical –– I can't even clap. (tries)
Billy	Oh, you'd be surprised, Rizzo, how much music you have inside you. And Clifford, you got a lot of jazz in you.
Rizzo	Ah!
Clifford	So that's what kept me up all night.
Billy	Yeah! I mean, we can do this number. See, jazz is a feeling. It's deep inside you. We can do this.
All	Hmm. Hmm.
Billy	First you take some skins ...
	He bangs on Andy and Randy's heads like bongos; they giggle.
Billy	Jazz begins!
	A drum beat starts.
Billy	And you take a bass ...
	He plucks Rizzo's tail. Clifford laughs.
Billy	Now we're gettin' someplace!
Clifford	Yeah!
Billy	Take a rat ...
	He strokes Rizzo's tummy like a guitar; Rizzo giggles.
Billy	Make him scat ...
Rizzo	(scats)
Billy	♪ Take a blue horn, New Orleans born ...
	Fade to a jazz band consisting of Clifford on bass, Randy on horn, Zoot on sax, Billy on clarinet, Mr. Poodlepants on piano, and Animal on drums.
Billy	Yeah! Take a stick. (plays)
Clifford	Man, what a lick!
Animal	Lick! Lick! Lick!
Billy	Take a bone!
Mr. Poodlepants	(scats)
Billy	ET, phone home!
Randy	Zoo-bop!
Billy	Take a spot.
Animal	(scats)
Billy	Oy vey! That was hot!
Clifford	(scats)
Billy	♪ Now you has...
All	♪ Jazz! Jazz! Jazz! Jazz! Jazz!
	Billy plays a clarinet solo.
Animal	Aw, get mad, Billy! Yeah!
Mr. Poodlepants	Way to go, Billy!
Clifford	Do it, Mr. Billy!
Billy	All right!
Clifford	Bil-ly!
Billy	Ha ha! Can you dig it?
Beatnik (BB)	Yes, I can!
Billy	I knew that you could!
Clifford	Ha ha-ha-ha!
Billy	♪ From the equator ...
Others	♪ From the equator ...
Billy	♪ Up to the pole ...
Others	♪ Up to the pole ...
Billy	♪ Everybody's singin', everybody's swingin' ♪ To that rock, rock, rock, rock, rock 'n' roll! ♪ From the East to the West ...
Others	♪ East to the West ...
Billy	♪ From the coast to the coast ...
Others	♪ Coast to the coast ...
Billy	♪ Jazz is the king, jazz is the thing That folks!
Others	Folks!
Billy	Dig!
Others	Dig! ♪ Most ...
All	(scat)
Billy	(Louis Armstrong voice) And that's jazz!
	Applause.
Billy	Yes! Did you feel that, Clifford?
Clifford	I felt it all over my body.
Billy	It came up from inside you.
Clifford	Big time.
Billy	Big time.
Clifford	Big time.
Billy	(laughs)

Goodnights / Epilogue

Yeah, yeah! All right! Let's give it up for Mr. Billy Crystal! [applause] You were wonderful! You were wonderful! I had a great time. And we didn't even need the all-star band. I wonder whatever happened to that band? Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. I don't have anything listed for a Billy Crystal band. No Clinton. No Yeltsin. No Eastwood. No Reagan. Please don't flirt with me, your majesty. Back of the line, young lady.