Episode 103: Joel Grey/transcript

Theme

	Kermit appears in the show's O.
Kermit	It's The Muppet Show, with tonight's guest star Mr. Joel Grey!
	The banner rises, and the theme begins.
Chorus girls	It's time to play the music It's time to light the lights It's time to meet the Muppets On The Muppet Show tonight!
Male chorus	It's time to put on makeup It's time to dress up right It's time to raise the curtain On The Muppet Show tonight!
	The curtain opens on Fozzie.
Fozzie	In our house we use paper plates, and every night after dinner, my wife erases the dishes!
	He wiggles his ears. The curtain closes.
Kermit	To introduce our guest star, That's what I'm here to do! So it really makes me happy To introduce to you — Mr. Joel Grey!
	Clips from "Razzle Dazzle" and "Wilkommen" are shown.
Kermit	Our show tonight will feature Some stuff that looks like this —
	A clip from "Comedy Tonight" is shown.
Kermit	But now let's get things started
Kermit & gang	On the most sensational, inspirational Celebrational, Muppetational This is what we call The Muppet Show!
	Gonzo swings and misses the O, toppling over out of frame.

Opening number

	Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit	Welcome! And what a show we have for you tonight. How would you like to see 4,000 woodpeckers performing an aerial ballet while 87 gorillas and two dozen elephants do the Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy? Well, forget it, because instead we've got Joel Grey as a guest star, which, in a way, is like having all the excitement of everything I mentioned without having to clean up afterwards. But right now, let's get things rolling on The Muppet Show, where we have "Comedy Tonight."
	The curtain opens, and an ensemble of Muppets perform a rather violent version of "Comedy Tonight." Frackles and Whatnots run around threatening each other and capturing Mary Louise (and a clown), and Crazy Harry blows things up.
Waldorf	Well, the show is speeding along very quickly this evening.
Statler	Oh, yes. Someone must have told 'em it's harder to hit a moving target. Heh heh.

Backstage

	Kermit walks along, humming. Fozzie stops him in his tracks.
Fozzie	Hiya, Kermit!
Kermit	Oh, hi there, Fozzie. Hey, listen, uh, you better go get ready. Go in the dressing room and get ready, would you?
Fozzie	Dressing room! Uh, uh, I had a dressing room so small, all the mice were hunchbacked! Ha!
Kermit	Please, Fozzie, no jokes right now. I'm a tired frog.
Fozzie	"Tired frog" — I knew a frog who got so tired he fell asleep during his nap! Ha!
Kermit	Uh, Fozzie, what is this?
Fozzie	Oh, oh, see, it's my new act. Yeah, see, it's jokes on any subject. You tell the subject and the bear does a joke on it. Go ahead, go ahead, go ahead.
Kermit	Uh, Fozzie, please.
Fozzie	"Please" … Take my wife, please! Ha!
Kermit	Uh, Fozzie, why don't you just go in the dressing room and get ready, 'kay?
Fozzie	"Dressing room" — I had a dressing room so small —
Kermit	(cuts him off) I heard it!
Fozzie	Oh, but what do you think about the act, Frog? Hmm?
Kermit	Well, well, Fozzie, um … it's got possibilities. (Fozzie looks hopeful) Yeah, why don't you work on it?
Fozzie	Oh, boy!
Kermit	Alone. (walks away)
Fozzie	Oh. Uh, alone. "Alone" … this bear was left alone … (struggles with the punchline)

At the Dance

	Couples dance in a ballroom.
Janice	Would you be interested in seeing the five Temptations?
Zoot	Eh, could you just show me a couple? I'm not as young as I used to be.
George the janitor	Two, three, four! Two, three, four!
Mildred	You know, George, I come from a very old family.
George the janitor	Ehh, mine's older.
Mildred	Oh, really? How old?
George the janitor	Ehh, my family's so old it's been condemned. Two, three, four!
Pig	Boy, my brother's really something. He's got girls eating out of his hand.
Miss Piggy	Oh? Is he a lover?
Pig	No, a waiter.
Miss Piggy	Oh.
Green Frackle	You know, I'm really stuck on you.
Mary Louise	Oh, how sweet. You love me?
Green Frackle	No, I'm just stuck on you.
	Her nose pops off and sticks to his face. Meanwhile, Mildred gets stuck in the chandelier.

Muppet Newsflash

File:Newsman Season 1.JPG

Newsman

Here's a Muppet Newsflash. (runs to the desk) Dateline New York City: A former circus daredevil, who billed himself as Boffo the Human Cannonball, fired himself out of a cannon yesterday into a crowd of holiday shoppers. Fortunately, there were no injuries to the passers-by. Boffo was not so lucky. Said his wife, the former Mrs. Boffo, "I guess I'll just have to pick up the pieces and live my life."

"Willkommen"

	Main stage. Kermit enters in a tuxedo.
Kermit	Ladies and gentlemen, it is with great pride and pleasure that yours truly, Kermit the Frog, introduces the international star of stage and screen, Mr. Joel Grey.
	The curtain opens on a nightclub with Muppets at tables.
Joel	Thank you, Kermit. I can't tell you what a pleasure it is for me to be here appearing in the Muppet cabaret. Never have I entertained in such a place before. So unusual. So bizarre. The most incredible nightclub by far.
	He sings his signature song, "Willkommen", joined by the other Muppets.
Waldorf	Ehh, another star in the tradition of the late, great Boris Klinger.
Statler	Boris Klinger?! (Waldorf nods) Why, you old fool, Boris Klinger was the worst music-hall act to ever step onto the stage!
Waldorf	In your opinion, maybe, but more than 2,000 people attended his final performance.
Statler	Yes, yes. Half of them brought the tar and the rest brought the feathers. Heh!

Backstage

	Hilda squints.
Fozzie	Hiya, Hilda!
Hilda	Oh, hello, Fozzie. Fozzie, have you seen my glasses?
Fozzie	"Glasses," "glasses" — Uh, I knew a minister once who was so religious, when he read the Bible, he wore stained glasses!
Hilda	What is this?
Fozzie	Oh, it's my new act, see, jokes on any subject, Yeah, pretty good, huh? Nothing stops the old Fozzie Bear!
Hilda	I wish something would.
Fozzie	"Wood," "wood" — Two bears go into the woods …
	She touches her head, and finds her glasses resting on her forehead.
Hilda	Never mind, I've found my glasses.
	She walks away as Fozzie struggles to come up with a joke.
Fozzie	"Found," "found," "found" …

Talk Spot

Kermit	Well, Joel, you know, I just can't tell you how pleased we are to have you with us here tonight.
Joel	Thanks very much, Kermit.
Kermit	You know, I understand that you come from an old show-business family, don't you, Joel?
Joel	Yes, actually …
Kermit	You appeared on stage at the ripe old age of ten, huh?
Joel	Yes, -
Kermit	Yeah, mm-hm, I understand you were also born in Cleveland, Ohio, but now you live in New York with your wife Jo, and your two children Jimmy and Jennifer. Plus three cats, uh, two dogs, a turtle and three Frisbees.
Joel	How'd you know all that?
Kermit	Yeah, let me ask you something. Well, now that you're with us, why don't you uh, ahem, why don't you just uh, tell us a little about yourself?
Joel	Actually, there's not much left to tell.
Kermit	Oh. (faces the crowd) Boy, what a dull guest.
Waldorf	Dull, my foot! Why, that young man is one of the all-time greats, you hear me? One of the greats.
Statler	Well, you'll get no argument from me on that. Heh heh.
Waldorf	Well that may be the first time we ever agreed on anything in our lives.
Statler	No. We uh, once agreed in the summer of 1912, yes.
Waldorf	What was that?
Statler	We agreed that Kaiser Bill looked silly in a hat. (they chuckle) Remember?
Waldorf	No.

"Pachalafaka"

Tourist	Ah, Turkey. Land of my dreams. All the Turkish delights … the Turkish women, the coffee, the towels. In every way my heart belongs to Turkey. But lo, what lovely Eastern maiden approacheth?
Maiden	(whispers in his ear) Pachalafaka. (runs away giggling)
	He sings a song about the word, wondering what it means, as the maiden dances near him. At the end, she reveals a mustache under the burqa. The tourist runs away screaming.

"Stormy Weather"

	Main stage. Sam gives a speech.
Sam the Eagle	To ensure that the quality and moral content of this show is above reproach, I, Sam the American eagle, am proud to present the singing duet of Wayne and Wanda. (music swells up) Besides being tremendous singers, they are church people.
	Dissolve to Wayne and Wanda on a Southern hillside.
Wayne	Don't know why, There's no sun up in the sky. Stormy weather …
	BOOM! It thunders and rains on them.
Waldorf	I told you they were all wet. (Statler chuckles)

Backstage

	Hilda, Piggy and George gang up on Kermit.
Hilda	You have got to do something about that Fozzie Bear!
Miss Piggy	Yes, he's driving us bananas!
Hilda	Yes.
George the janitor	Yeah. If he don't stop with those jokes on any subject, I'll kill him.
Kermit	Well I tell you, guys, I don't really know exactly what to do about it.
Hilda	(gasp) Sh! Here he comes!
Kermit	Well, now that's a thought, see, if you don't like his jokes, don't say anything.
	The other three nod in realization. Fozzie approaches them, and they just stand still.
Fozzie	Ah! How you doin', Kermit? How you doin', George? … How you doin', George?
Fozzie	Ohhh! I get it, the old silent treatment, huh? Gonna be quiet on Fozzie, huh? Uh, let's see, "quiet," "quiet," "quiet," — Yeah. I knew a town that was so quiet, when someone turned the lights off, everybody yelled, "What was that?"
	They all express disdain for the poor joke.
Miss Piggy	No, no!
Fozzie	She had yes-yes on her eyes, but no-no's ("no nose") on her face!
	Kermit takes him aside.
Kermit	Uh, tell you, Fozzie … um,
Fozzie	Yeah, terrific, huh? Yeah?
Kermit	Well, these jokes of yours are starting to bug everybody.
Fozzie	(tries to think of a joke) Bug, bug, bug …
Hilda, Piggy, George	Oh, BUG OUT! (they walk away)
Fozzie	Bug out? What kind of joke is that?
Kermit	Well, that was no joke, Fozzie.
Fozzie	(chimes in) That was my wife!

Blackout

Gonzo	Hi, Joel! Hey, why the hat?
Joel	I got my new car outside, Gonzo. You wanna go for a spin?
Gonzo	Sure. (spins around)
Joel	Gonzo! Hey, relax, relax, I didn't mean actually go for a spin. It's just a phrase, like, you don't actually bite the hand that feeds you, do you? I mean, one doesn't eat one's heart out, does one? I mean, one doesn't talk through one's hat.
Joel's hat	I hope not! I can talk for myself.
Joel	(grabs his hat) I think I'm going bananas.
Banana	I thought you were going for a spin.

Fozzie's comedy act

	Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit	You're in for a special treat tonight, folks, as Fozzie Bear, the comedy star of our show, displays his ready wit and nimble mind in a test of comedy that would stump the best. You just name a subject and Fozzie Bear will instantly give you a joke! So here he is now, the fastest fur in the west, Mr. Fozzie Bear!
	The curtain opens to Fozzie's fanfare.
Fozzie	(blows kisses) Thank you, thank you! Yeah! Mwah! Thank you! Mwah! Love you! Yeah, ha, hi. Here I am, Fozzie Bear, jokes on request! You name anything, any word, any subject, and I, Fozzie Bear, will hit you with a great joke about it! Don't be afraid, just yell 'em out and I'll yell 'em back! Come on!
Statler	Amoeba!
Fozzie	Huh?
Waldorf	He said "amoeba."
Fozzie	Uh … amoeb— uh, sorry, no foreign words. Next!
Waldorf	The word is only foreign to you.
Statler	'S right.
Fozzie	Uh, anybody else? Over there?
Statler	You said any word!
Waldorf	And he said "amoeba"!
Statler	Right!
Fozzie	Right, amoeba. Uh, uh … Could I come back to that?
Waldorf	Oh! Fake!
Statler	Fake! He's a fake!
Statler & Waldorf	Fake! Fake!
Fozzie	Fake? Fake? Fake, am I? OK, that does it! Give me that word again.
Statler & Waldorf	Amoeba!
Fozzie	Right, "amoeba." Two amoeba walk out of a bar. One amoeba says to the other, "Say, is that the sun or the moon?" And the other amoeba says, "I don't know, I don't live around here." (applause) I did it! I did it!
Statler	He's right! Heh heh heh!
Waldorf	He did it. He's OK.
Statler	He certainly did. Uhh — what does "amoeba" mean, anyway?
Waldorf	I don't know. I don't live around here either.

UK Spot

	Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit	And now, the Muppet Players are proud to present a little-known classic of Arthur Conan Doyle entitled Sherlock Holmes and the Case of the Disappearing Clues.
	The curtain opens on a study room. Gorgon Heap sits at a table while Piggy wanders frantically. Rowlf and Baskerville enter.
Rowlf/Sherlock	Sherlock Holmes here. Watson there.
Miss Piggy/Maid	Oh, Mr. Holmes, I'm so glad you're here! It's murder, Mr. Holmes! Murder!
Rowlf/Sherlock	Just calm down, my dear lady. Dr. Watson and I will have this case solved in no time. Right, Watson?
Baskerville/Watson	Of course! Holmes can solve any crime by a simple process of deduction.
Miss Piggy/Maid	Yes, sir. The body of Lord Bottomley is right over there!
	Piano sting. Rowlf walks over to Gorgon Heap and covers Basky's eyes.
Rowlf/Sherlock	Great heavens! Don't look, Watson, it's too horrible to gaze upon. What manner of fiend could have done this?
Gorgon Heap	Actually, I'm Fielding the butler. Lord Bottomley lies over there.
	He points them to the couch, where Wayne lies with a bullet mark in his back.
Baskerville/Watson	(gasp) 'Ee's been shot, 'olmes!
Rowlf/Sherlock	Yes, yes. (looks through his magnifying glass) Hm. Give me a moment. Mm-hm. (approaches Gorgon Heap) Of course! I arrest Fielding the butler, for the murder of Lord Bottomley!
Baskerville/Watson	Amazing!
Gorgon Heap	Preposterous.
Rowlf/Sherlock	Elementary. The butler's fingerprints are on this glass.
	Gorgon Heap eats the glass. Rowlf picks up a photo.
Rowlf/Sherlock	Here is a photo of the butler committing the murder.
	Gorgon Heap eats the photo. Rowlf picks up a gun.
Rowlf/Sherlock	The weapon in question, registered in the butler's name.
	Gorgon Heap eats the gun.
Rowlf/Sherlock	And finally an eyewitness, the maid, who will seal his doom.
	Piggy trembles.
Gorgon Heap	Excuse me, miss.
	He devours Piggy. Baskerville trembles in horror as he watches.
Rowlf/Sherlock	So you see, Watson, pure deduction on the face of the evidence brings us to the only possible conclusion, and that is that the butler did it.
Baskerville/Watson	But, but Holmes, there is no evidence, so your logic is wrong!
Rowlf/Sherlock	Logic is never wrong, Watson. If there is no evidence that the butler did it, and I certainly didn't do it, then the inescapable conclusion, Watson …
Baskerville/Watson	Yes, yes?
Rowlf/Sherlock	… is that you're the murderer.
	Gorgon Heap devours Baskerville.
Gorgon Heap	Mm, he's tough.
Rowlf/Sherlock	Well then, now the inescapable conclusion is that uh, with no evidence and no killer, there was no murder.
	Wayne sneezes.
Rowlf/Sherlock	Gesundheit.
	Applause.

Muppet Newsflash

	File:103-15.jpg
Newsman	Here's a Muppet Newsflash. (runs to the desk) Dateline Brooklyn, New York: A Harry Oblong, a retired New York City bus driver, said that he is holding that state as a hostage and will not release it until he is paid fifty million dollars in cash. Mr. Oblong, whom state officials say is not playing with a full deck, says that he will not disclose the whereabouts of the state of New York, but does say it has enough food and water to last for ten more days.
	He tosses his papers and walks away.

"Razzle Dazzle"

	Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit	Tonight, the great Gonzo has dug deep into his limitless repertoire to bring us an act never before seen on any stage anywhere in the world. And with his luck, it never will be seen again. Ladies and gentlemen, the greatest of all Gonzos!
	The curtain opens on Gonzo in an old car.
Gonzo	Tonight, dear patrons of the arts, I will, with this sledgehammer, demolish this vintage automobile to the music of the "Anvil Chorus" … after which I will eat the crankcase a cappella.
	He begins his act, and is immediately booed by the audience.
Gonzo	Yokels! Rubes! What do you know about great art? Aw, that does it, I'm giving up performing!
	The audience cheers. Joel approaches Gonzo.
Joel	Hey, Gonzo.
Gonzo	Oh, you can call me "Great."
Joel	Listen, uh, Great, I was just watching your act, you know, from uh, from offstage, and a couple of things occurred to me, as one artist to another.
Gonzo	Do you think I should wear a top hat?
Joel	It's more than a top hat, Gonz. I think it's the basic act, actually. I think what you need is some pizazz. You know what that means? Let me show you.
	He sings an elaborate rendition of "Razzle Dazzle", accompanied by other Muppets.
Gonzo	Well, with an act like that, anybody can get applause.
	Joel stuffs his hat on Gonzo's head.

Goodnights

Kermit	Hey, Joel, we really wanna thank you for being with us on the show tonight, and I want you to know you'll always be wilkommen here.
Joel	(German accent) Dankeschön, Herr Kermit, it was mein pleasure.
Kermit	Keep working on that accent, it might come in handy. (to crowd) And thank you all for joining us, and join us next week for The Muppet Show.
	The Muppet gang gathers around Joel as the credits roll.
Waldorf	More! More!
Statler	Not so loud! They may hear you!
	THE END