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+ | | '''Joel''' || I got my new car outside, Gonzo. You wanna go for a spin? |
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+ | | '''Gonzo''' || Sure. ''(spins around)'' |
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+ | | '''Joel''' || Gonzo! Hey, relax, relax, I didn't mean actually go for a spin. It's just a phrase, like, you don't actually bite the hand that feeds you, do you? I mean, one doesn't eat one's heart out, does one? I mean, one doesn't talk through one's hat. |
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+ | | || [[Image:103-12.jpg|300px]] |
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+ | | '''Joel''' || ''(grabs his hat)'' I think I'm going bananas. |
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+ | |} |
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− | I got my new car outside, |
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− | Gonzo, You wanna go for a spin? |
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− | Sure, |
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− | Gonzo, Hey, |
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− | Relax, relax, I didn't mean actually go |
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− | hand that feeds you, do you? |
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− | I mean, one doesn't eat |
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− | I mean, one doesn't |
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− | talk through one's hat, |
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− | I think I'm going bananas, |
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You're in for a special |
You're in for a special |
Revision as of 20:20, 6 October 2016
Theme
Opening number
Main stage. Kermit enters. | |
Kermit | Welcome! And what a show we have for you tonight. How would you like to see 4,000 woodpeckers performing an aerial ballet while 87 gorillas and two dozen elephants do the Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy? Well, forget it, because instead we've got Joel Grey as a guest star, which, in a way, is like having all the excitement of everything I mentioned without having to clean up afterwards. But right now, let's get things rolling on The Muppet Show, where we have "Comedy Tonight." |
The curtain opens, and an ensemble of Muppets perform a rather violent version of "Comedy Tonight." Frackles and Whatnots run around threatening each other and capturing Mary Louise (and a clown), and Crazy Harry blows things up. | |
Waldorf | Well, the show is speeding along very quickly this evening. |
Statler | Oh, yes. Someone must have told 'em it's harder to hit a moving target. Heh heh. |
Backstage
At the Dance
Muppet Newsflash
File:Newsman Season 1.JPG | |
Newsman | Here's a Muppet Newsflash. (runs to the desk) Dateline New York City: A former circus daredevil, who billed himself as Boffo the Human Cannonball, fired himself out of a cannon yesterday into a crowd of holiday shoppers. Fortunately, there were no injuries to the passers-by. Boffo was not so lucky. Said his wife, the former Mrs. Boffo, "I guess I'll just have to pick up the pieces and live my life." |
"Willkommen"
Backstage
Talk Spot
"Pachalafaka"
Tourist | Ah, Turkey. Land of my dreams. All the Turkish delights … the Turkish women, the coffee, the towels. In every way my heart belongs to Turkey. But lo, what lovely Eastern maiden approacheth? |
Maiden | (whispers in his ear) Pachalafaka. (runs away giggling) |
File:103-9.jpg | |
He sings a song about the word, wondering what it means, as the maiden dances near him. At the end, she reveals a mustache under the burqa. The tourist runs away screaming. |
"Stormy Weather"
Backstage
Blackout
You're in for a special
treat tonight, folks,
as Fozzie Bear, the
comedy star of our show,
displays his ready wit and nimble mind in
a test of comedy that would stump the best,
You just name a subject and Fozzie
Bear will instantly give you a joke,
So here he is now, the fastest
fur in the west, Mr, Fozzie Bear!
Thank you, thank you, Yeah, Mwah,
Thank you, Mwah, Love you, Yeah,
Here I am, Fozzie
Bear, jokes on request,
You name anything,
any word, any subject,
and I, Fozzie Bear, will hit
you with a great joke about it,
Don't be afraid, just yell 'em out
and I'll yell 'em back, Come on!
Amoeba,
Huh?
He said "amoeba,"
- Hm,
Uh amoeb Sorry,
no foreign words, Next,
The word is only foreign to you,
- That's right,
Anybody else? Over there?
You said any word,
- And he said "amoeba,"
Right,
- Right, Amoeba, Uh, uh
Could I come back to that?
Fake,
- Fake, He's a fake,
Fake,
- Fake,
Fake? Fake? Fake, am I?
OK, That does it, Give
me that word again,
Amoeba!
Right, Amoeba,
Two amoebas walked out of a bar,
One amoeba says to the other,
"Say, is that the sun or the moon?"
And the other amoeba says, "I don't
know, I don't live around here,"
He did it, He's OK,
He certainly did, What does
"amoeba" mean, anyway?
I don't know, I don't
live around here either,
Now the Muppet Players
are proud to present
a little-known classic
of Arthur Conan Doyle
entitled Sherlock Holmes and the
Case of the Disappearing Clues.
Sherlock Holmes here, Watson there,
Oh, Mr, Holmes, I'm
so glad you're here,
It's murder, Mr, Holmes, Murder,
Just calm down, my dear lady,
Dr, Watson and I will have this case
solved in no time, Right, Watson?
Of course, Holmes can solve any crime
by a simple process of deduction,
Yes, sir, The body of Lord
Bottomley is right over there,
Great heavens! Don't look, Watson,
It's too horrible to gaze upon,
What manner of fiend
could have done this?
Actually, I'm Fielding, the butler,
Lord Bottomley lies over there,
He's been shot, Holmes,
Yes, yes,
Hm, Give me a moment,
Mm-hm,
Of course!
I arrest Fielding, the butler,
for the murder of Lord Bottomley,
Amazing,
- Preposterous,
Elementary, The butler's
fingerprints are on this glass,
Here is a photo of the
butler committing the murder,
The weapon in question,
registered in the butler's name,
And finally an eyewitness, the
maid, who will seaI his doom,
Excuse me, miss,
So you see, Watson, pure deduction
on the face of the evidence
brings us to the only possible conclusion,
and that is that the butler did it,
But, Holmes, there is no
evidence, so your logic is wrong,
Logic is never wrong, Watson,
If there is no evidence that the butler
did it, and I certainly didn't do it,
then the inescapable
conclusion, Watson
Yes, yes?
- is that you're the murderer,
Mm, He's tough,
- And the other inescapable conclusion
is that, with no evidence and
no killer, there was no murder,
Ah,
Gesundheit.
Tonight, the great Gonzo has dug
deep into his limitless repertoire
to bring us an act never before seen
on any stage anywhere in the world,
And with his luck, it
never will be seen again,
Ladies and gentlemen, the
greatest of all Gonzos,
Tonight, dear patrons of the arts,
I will, with this sledgehammer,
demolish this vintage automobile
to the music of the "AnviI Chorus,"
After which I will eat
the crankcase a cappella,
Yokels! Rubes! What do
you know about great art?
That does it, I'm
giving up performing,
Hey, Gonzo,
You can call me "Great,"
Listen, uh, Great,
I was just watching your
act, you know, from offstage,
and a couple of things occurred
to me, as one artist to another,
Do you think I should wear a top hat?
It's more than a top hat, Gonz,
I think it's the basic act, actually,
I think what you need is some
pizazz, You know what that means?
Let me show you,
Just give 'em the old razzle dazzle
Razzle dazzle 'em
Give 'em an act with
lots of flash in it
And the reaction will be passionate
Give 'em the old hocus-pocus
Bead and feather 'em
How can they see with
sequins in their eyes?
What if your hinges all are rusting?
What if, in fact,
you're just disgusting?
Razzle dazzle 'em
And they'll never catch wise
Give 'em the old razzle dazzle
Razzle dazzle 'em
Back since the
days of old Methuselah
Everyone loves
The big bamboozler
Give 'em the old three-ring circus
Stun and stagger 'em
When you're in trouble
go into your dance
Though you are stiffer than a girder
They let you get away with murder
Razzle dazzle 'em
and you got a romance
Give 'em the old razzle dazzle
Razzle dazzle 'em
Give 'em an act that's unassailable
They'll wait a year
till you're available
Give 'em the old double whammy
Daze and dizzy 'em
Show 'em the first-rate
sorcerer you are
Long as you keep 'em way off balance
How can they spot
You got no talents?
Razzle dazzle 'em
Razzle dazzle 'em
Razzle dazzle 'em
And they'll make you a star
Well, with an act like that,
anybody can get applause,
Hey, JoeI, we really wanna thank you
for being with us on the show tonight,
and I want you to know you'll
always be willkommen here,
Dankeschon, Herr Kermit,
It was mein pleasure,
Keep working on that accent,
it might come in handy,
Thank you all for joining us, and
join us next week for The Muppet Show.
The Muppet Show.
More! More!
- Not so loud,
They may hear you,