Theme
Opening number
Main stage. Kermit enters. | |
Kermit | Welcome! And what a show we have for you tonight. How would you like to see 4,000 woodpeckers performing an aerial ballet while 87 gorillas and two dozen elephants do the Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy? Well, forget it, because instead we've got Joel Grey as a guest star, which, in a way, is like having all the excitement of everything I mentioned without having to clean up afterwards. But right now, let's get things rolling on The Muppet Show, where we have "Comedy Tonight." |
The curtain opens, and an ensemble of Muppets perform a rather violent version of "Comedy Tonight." Frackles and Whatnots run around threatening each other and capturing Mary Louise (and a clown), and Crazy Harry blows things up. | |
Waldorf | Well, the show is speeding along very quickly this evening. |
Statler | Oh, yes. Someone must have told 'em it's harder to hit a moving target. Heh heh. |
Backstage
At the Dance
Ladies and gentlemen, it is
with great pride and pleasure
that yours truly, Kermit the Frog,
introduces the internationaI star
of stage and screen Mr, JoeI Grey,
Thank you, Kermit,
I can't tell you what a
pleasure it is for me to be here
appearing in the Muppet cabaret,
Never have I entertained
in such a place before,
So unusuaI, So bizarre,
The most incredible nightclub by far,
Willkommen, bienvenue, welcome
Fremde
Etranger
Stranger
Glucklich zu sehen
Je suis enchantee
Happy to see you
Bliebe, reste, stay
Willkommen
Bienvenue
Welcome
Im cabaret
Au cabaret
To cabaret
Meine Damen und Herren.
Mesdames et Messieurs.
Ladies and gentlemen,
Guten Abend.
- Bonsoir.
Good evening,
Wie gehts?
Comment ca va?
Do you feeI good?
Ich bin euer Conferencier.
Je suis votre compere.
I am your host,
- I am your guest,
Gotcha,
Willkommen, bienvenue, welcome
Im cabaret, au cabaret, to cabaret
Here life is beautifuI,
The customers are beautifuI,
Even the orchestra is beautifuI,
Have you ever seen such
a beautifuI orchestra?
Well, maybe in a zoo,
Even the dancers are beautifuI,
If your standards aren't too high,
Willkommen, bienvenue, welcome
Im cabaret, au cabaret
Wir sagen
Willkommen,
bienvenue, welcome
Fremde, etranger
Stranger
Glucklich zu sehen
Je suis enchante
Happy to see you
Bliebe, reste, stay
Wir sagen
Willkommen, bienvenue, welcome
Im cabaret
Au cabaret
To cabaret
Uh, another star in the tradition
of the late, great Boris Klinger,
Boris Klinger?! Why, you old fooI,
Boris Klinger was the worst music-hall
act to ever step onto the stage,
In your opinion, maybe,
but more than 2,000 people
attended his finaI performance,
Yes, yes, Half of them brought the
tar and the rest brought the feathers,
Hiya, Hilda,
Oh, hello, Fozzie,
Fozzie, have you seen my glasses?
Glasses, glasses, Uh
I knew a minister once
who was so religious
when he read the Bible
he wore stained glasses,
What is this?
- It's my new act, see,
Jokes on any subject, Yeah, pretty good,
huh? Nothing stops the old Fozzie Bear,
I wish something would,
Wood, wood, Two bears
go into the woods
Never mind, I've found my glasses,
Found, found, found
Well, JoeI, you know,
I just can't tell you
how pleased we are to have
you with us here tonight,
Thanks very much, Kermit,
- You know,
I understand that you come from an old
show-business family, don't you, JoeI?
Yes, actually
You appeared on stage at
the ripe old age of ten, huh?
Yes, -
Yeah, mm-hm,
I understand you were also
born in Cleveland, Ohio,
but now you live in New
York with your wife Jo,
and your two children
Jimmy and Jennifer,
Plus three cats, two dogs,
a turtle and three Frisbees,
How do you know all that?
- Yeah, Let me ask you something,
Well, now that you're with
us, why don't you, uh
why don't you just tell
us a little about yourself?
Actually, there's
not much left to tell,
Oh,
Boy, what a dull guest,
Dull, my foot, Why, that young
man is one of the all-time greats,
Do you hear me? One of the greats,
Well, you'll get no
argument from me on that,
That may be the first time we ever
agreed on anything in our lives,
No, We once agreed in
the summer of 1 91 2, yes,
What was that?
We agreed that Kaiser
Bill looked silly in a hat,
Remember?
No,
Ah, Turkey
- land of my dreams,
All the Turkish delights
- the Turkish women,
the coffee, the towels,
In every way my heart
belongs to Turkey,
But lo, what lovely
Eastern maiden approacheth?
Pachalafaka.
Pachalafaka
Pachalafaka
They whisper it all over Turkey
Pachalafaka
Pachalafaka
It sounds so romantic and perky
Oh, I know that phrase
Will make me thrill always
For it reminds me of you, my sweet
Just the mention of
That tender word of love
Gives my heart a
jerkish Turkish beat
I won't say "c'est bon"
Or "I'amour toujours"
For they can't
express what I'm feeling
Even "mairzy doats"
Or other foreign quotes
Don't seem to be quite so appealing
But pachalafaka
Pachalafaka
Takes me back with you
to passionate desert scenes
And it's where we'll stay
Till the very day
We find out what
"pachalafaka" means
We find out what
"pachalafaka" means
Argh!
You have got to do something
about that Fozzie Bear,
Yes, he's driving us bananas,
- Yes,
Yeah, If he don't stop with those
jokes on any subject, I'll kill him,
I tell you, guys, I don't really
know exactly what to do about it,
Sh! Here he comes,
Well, now that's a thought, see, If you
don't like his jokes, don't say anything,
Oh,
- Uh
How you doin', Kermit?
How you doin', George?
How you doin', George?
Oh
I get it, The old silent treatment,
huh? Gonna be quiet on Fozzie, huh? Uh
Let's see, Quiet, quiet, quiet,
Yeah, I knew a town that was so quiet,
when someone turned the lights off,
everybody yelled, "What was that?"
No, no,
She had "yes, yes" in her
eyes, but "no, no"s on her face,
Uh, tell you, Fozzie
- Yeah, terrific, huh? Yeah,
Well, these jokes of yours
are starting to bug everybody,
Bug, bug, bug
Bug out!
Bug out? What kind of joke is that?
Well, that was no joke, Fozzie,
That was my wife,
Hi, JoeI, Hey, why the hat?
I got my new car outside,
Gonzo, You wanna go for a spin?
Sure,
Gonzo, Hey,
Relax, relax, I didn't mean actually go
for a spin, It's just a phrase, like
You don't actually bite the
hand that feeds you, do you?
I mean, one doesn't eat
one's heart out, does one?
I mean, one doesn't
talk through one's hat,
I hope not, I can talk for myself,
I think I'm going bananas,
I thought you were going for a spin,
You're in for a special
treat tonight, folks,
as Fozzie Bear, the
comedy star of our show,
displays his ready wit and nimble mind in
a test of comedy that would stump the best,
You just name a subject and Fozzie
Bear will instantly give you a joke,
So here he is now, the fastest
fur in the west, Mr, Fozzie Bear!
Thank you, thank you, Yeah, Mwah,
Thank you, Mwah, Love you, Yeah,
Here I am, Fozzie
Bear, jokes on request,
You name anything,
any word, any subject,
and I, Fozzie Bear, will hit
you with a great joke about it,
Don't be afraid, just yell 'em out
and I'll yell 'em back, Come on!
Amoeba,
Huh?
He said "amoeba,"
- Hm,
Uh amoeb Sorry,
no foreign words, Next,
The word is only foreign to you,
- That's right,
Anybody else? Over there?
You said any word,
- And he said "amoeba,"
Right,
- Right, Amoeba, Uh, uh
Could I come back to that?
Fake,
- Fake, He's a fake,
Fake,
- Fake,
Fake? Fake? Fake, am I?
OK, That does it, Give
me that word again,
Amoeba!
Right, Amoeba,
Two amoebas walked out of a bar,
One amoeba says to the other,
"Say, is that the sun or the moon?"
And the other amoeba says, "I don't
know, I don't live around here,"
He did it, He's OK,
He certainly did, What does
"amoeba" mean, anyway?
I don't know, I don't
live around here either,
Now the Muppet Players
are proud to present
a little-known classic
of Arthur Conan Doyle
entitled Sherlock Holmes and the
Case of the Disappearing Clues.
Sherlock Holmes here, Watson there,
Oh, Mr, Holmes, I'm
so glad you're here,
It's murder, Mr, Holmes, Murder,
Just calm down, my dear lady,
Dr, Watson and I will have this case
solved in no time, Right, Watson?
Of course, Holmes can solve any crime
by a simple process of deduction,
Yes, sir, The body of Lord
Bottomley is right over there,
Great heavens! Don't look, Watson,
It's too horrible to gaze upon,
What manner of fiend
could have done this?
Actually, I'm Fielding, the butler,
Lord Bottomley lies over there,
He's been shot, Holmes,
Yes, yes,
Hm, Give me a moment,
Mm-hm,
Of course!
I arrest Fielding, the butler,
for the murder of Lord Bottomley,
Amazing,
- Preposterous,
Elementary, The butler's
fingerprints are on this glass,
Here is a photo of the
butler committing the murder,
The weapon in question,
registered in the butler's name,
And finally an eyewitness, the
maid, who will seaI his doom,
Excuse me, miss,
So you see, Watson, pure deduction
on the face of the evidence
brings us to the only possible conclusion,
and that is that the butler did it,
But, Holmes, there is no
evidence, so your logic is wrong,
Logic is never wrong, Watson,
If there is no evidence that the butler
did it, and I certainly didn't do it,
then the inescapable
conclusion, Watson
Yes, yes?
- is that you're the murderer,
Mm, He's tough,
- And the other inescapable conclusion
is that, with no evidence and
no killer, there was no murder,
Ah,
Gesundheit.
Tonight, the great Gonzo has dug
deep into his limitless repertoire
to bring us an act never before seen
on any stage anywhere in the world,
And with his luck, it
never will be seen again,
Ladies and gentlemen, the
greatest of all Gonzos,
Tonight, dear patrons of the arts,
I will, with this sledgehammer,
demolish this vintage automobile
to the music of the "AnviI Chorus,"
After which I will eat
the crankcase a cappella,
Yokels! Rubes! What do
you know about great art?
That does it, I'm
giving up performing,
Hey, Gonzo,
You can call me "Great,"
Listen, uh, Great,
I was just watching your
act, you know, from offstage,
and a couple of things occurred
to me, as one artist to another,
Do you think I should wear a top hat?
It's more than a top hat, Gonz,
I think it's the basic act, actually,
I think what you need is some
pizazz, You know what that means?
Let me show you,
Just give 'em the old razzle dazzle
Razzle dazzle 'em
Give 'em an act with
lots of flash in it
And the reaction will be passionate
Give 'em the old hocus-pocus
Bead and feather 'em
How can they see with
sequins in their eyes?
What if your hinges all are rusting?
What if, in fact,
you're just disgusting?
Razzle dazzle 'em
And they'll never catch wise
Give 'em the old razzle dazzle
Razzle dazzle 'em
Back since the
days of old Methuselah
Everyone loves
The big bamboozler
Give 'em the old three-ring circus
Stun and stagger 'em
When you're in trouble
go into your dance
Though you are stiffer than a girder
They let you get away with murder
Razzle dazzle 'em
and you got a romance
Give 'em the old razzle dazzle
Razzle dazzle 'em
Give 'em an act that's unassailable
They'll wait a year
till you're available
Give 'em the old double whammy
Daze and dizzy 'em
Show 'em the first-rate
sorcerer you are
Long as you keep 'em way off balance
How can they spot
You got no talents?
Razzle dazzle 'em
Razzle dazzle 'em
Razzle dazzle 'em
And they'll make you a star
Well, with an act like that,
anybody can get applause,
Hey, JoeI, we really wanna thank you
for being with us on the show tonight,
and I want you to know you'll
always be willkommen here,
Dankeschon, Herr Kermit,
It was mein pleasure,
Keep working on that accent,
it might come in handy,
Thank you all for joining us, and
join us next week for The Muppet Show.
The Muppet Show.
More! More!
- Not so loud,
They may hear you,