Episode 104: Ruth Buzzi/transcript

The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 104: Ruth Buzzi.

Theme

	Kermit appears in the show's O.
Kermit	It's The Muppet Show, with our special guest star, Miss Ruth Buzzi!
	The banner rises, and the theme begins.
Chorus girls	It's time to play the music It's time to light the lights It's time to meet the Muppets On The Muppet Show tonight!
Male chorus	It's time to put on makeup It's time to dress up right It's time to raise the curtain On The Muppet Show tonight!
	The curtain opens on Fozzie.
Fozzie	I finally found a sure way to lose weight. I bought a scale that lies!
	He takes off his hat. The audience laughs. The curtain closes.
Kermit	To introduce our guest star, That's what it's time to do! So it really makes me happy To introduce to you — Miss Ruth Buzzi!
	The curtain opens on Ruth with Sweetums, from a forthcoming number.
Kermit	But now let's get things started
Kermit & gang	On the most sensational, inspirational Celebrational, Muppetational This is what we call The Muppet Show!
	The logo is pulled into the rafters just as Gonzo is about to strike the O.

Opening number

	Main stage. Kermit enters to a fanfare.
Kermit	Hi, gang, and welcome to the show. Hey, I feel good tonight for two reasons. One, uh, Scooter's uncle has extended the lease on our theater, which gives us a roof over our head. And two, our special guest star is Miss Ruth Buzzi, which is enough to make anyone feel good. But right now, let's get the show under way with some musical mayhem. Hit it, boys.
	Transition to the Electric Mayhem, who perform "Sunny".
Floyd	Sunny … Yesterday my life was filled with rain.
Animal	Too slow!!
Floyd	Sunny … You smiled at me and really eased the pain. Dark days are done. Bright days are here. My sunny one shines so sincere. Oh, sunny one so true, I love you.
Animal	Faster!!
	Animal starts drumming faster.
Floyd	Sunny …
Animal	All right!!
Floyd	Thank you for the sunshine bouquet. Sunny … Thank you for the love you brought my way. You gave to me your all in all. Now I feel I'm ten feet tall. Oh, sunny one so true, I love you.
Animal	Faster!!
	Animal starts drumming faster. Floyd tries to keep up with him.
Floyd	Sunny …
Animal	SUNNY!!
Floyd	Thank you for the truth you let me see — What's goin' on? Sunny — What's happening? — Thank you for the facts from A to Z. My life was torn like windblown sand, And a rock was formed when we held hands.. Oh, sunny one so true, I love you!
Animal	YEAHHH!!
	Animal drums even faster. Floyd struggles to keep up with him.
Floyd	What's happening? Sunny — Wait-wait a minute. Thank you for the smile upon your face Oh, Sunny … thank you for the gleam that shows its grace. You're my spark, my nature's fire. You're my complete desire. Oh, sunny one so true, I love you!
Animal	Yeah! Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!
	Animal finishes drumming. The others faint and pant like their out of breathe.

Backstage

	The Mayhem walks past Kermit.
Zoot	Too fast. Too fast.
Kermit	Nice, nice. Nice job. Nice job.
Floyd	Will you tell him to lighten up, man?
Kermit	Yeah, I will. OK.
	Animal chases after a shrieking Janice.
Kermit	Take it easy, Animal.
	Scooter walks in, pushing a giant crate.
Scooter	Hi, Kermit! Hey, Kermit!
Kermit	Scooter? Scooter, Scooter, what is this?
Scooter	Oh, that's a crate.
Kermit	I can see it's a crate, but who's responsible for it?
Scooter	Oh, I am.
Kermit	Scooter! What makes you think you can bring a crate into the backstage?
Scooter	Uh, my uncle owns the theater.
Kermit	(changes his tune) And a nice crate it is too. May I ask you, what is in it?
Scooter	Sure, go ahead.
Kermit	What is in it?!
Scooter	Oh! Well, it's a mechanical windup TV show host.
Kermit	A mechanical windup TV show host.
Scooter	Right!
Kermit	Scooter, that is the dumbest, the craziest, most ridiculous idea you have ever — (shrieks)
	Scooter opens the crate to reveal a wind-up replica of Kermit. Kermit looks it over.
Kermit	Good grief. Scooter, you're out of your mind!
Scooter	Mm-hm.
Robo-Kermit	Uh, be careful, frog. His uncle owns the theater.
Kermit	Wait a minute …
	Robo-Kermit shoves Kermit into the crate and shuts it.
Robo-Kermit	Ha-ha.

At the Dance

	Couples dance in a ballroom.
George the Janitor	(panting) I wish they'd had rock n' roll in the '40s.
Mildred	Why?
George the Janitor	We'd be dead by now.
	A woman dances with a blue Frackle.
Woman	But don't you see? You've got to be strong. You've got to stand on your own two feet.
Blue Frackle	But that's the problem.
Woman	What?
Blue Frackle	I've got three feet.
	Miss Piggy dances with another pig.
Pig (RH)	Oh, my dear. You are so lovely. Have I ever seen you in the movies?
Miss Piggy (RH)	Well, I don't think so. I hardly ever go.
	Back to Mr. Three-foot.
Woman	Don't you feel stupid with three feet?
Blue Frackle	Sure, but the other one didn't come back from the cleaners.
	Another woman dances with Rowlf.
Woman 2	You know, I have a bone to pick with you.
Rowlf	Too late. I just buried it.
	Back to Mr. Three-foot.
Woman	Do you really have three feet?
Blue Frackle	Sure. (lifts his feet) One, two, three -- AAH! (falls down, then gets up) Three feet and one broken back.
	The balcony.
Statler	Well, I think I'll go stretch my legs.
Animal	(pops up) I'll do it for you.
	Animal stretches out Statler's legs as Statler yelps. Waldorf chuckles.

Backstage

Kermit	Well, time soon for the handsome frog here to make another one of his introductions. I will check myself and see how I look in the mirror.
	Kermit comes face-to-face with Robo-Kermit, who mirrors Kermit'ts actions, except when Kermit turns away.
	Robo-Kermit eventually makes his way out of the mirror.
Kermit	Scooter, where did you get this ridiculous windup TV-show host?
Robo-Kermit	I was a gift from his uncle.
Kermit	(begrudgingly) Welcome to the show.
	Robo-Kermit slaps Kermit, and laughs.

Wayne and Wanda

	Main stage. Sam stands on the proscenium.
Sam the Eagle	With a few exceptions, the characters on this program are weird and peculiar, and not to be trusted. One of those exceptions, aside from myself, of course, is the wonnnnnnderful singing team of Wayne and Wanda. They've really rehearsed this one, so they're sure to get it right. Here they are, Wayne and Wanda, with "Row, Row, Row."
	Open on Wayne & Wanda in a rowboat.
Wanda	Young Johnny Jones, he had a cute little boat.
Wayne	And all the girlies I would take for a float.
Wanda	He had girlies on the shore.
Wayne	Sweet little peaches by the score.
Wayne & Wanda	But Johnnie was a wisenheimer, you know.
Wayne	A steady girl was Flo.
Wayne & Wanda	And every Sunday afternoon,
Wanda	She'd jump in his boat and they would spoon.
Wayne & Wanda	And then he'd row, row, row …
	Glub, glub, glub … the boat sinks.

Muppet Newsflash

Newsman	Here's a Muppet news flash. (runs to the desk and reads from papers) The Atlantic Ocean has just been kidnapped. Disappearance of the ocean was first reported by lighthouse keeper Murray Patterson. He was awakened late last night when 500 fish pounded on his door asking for water.
Newsman	Authorities suspect that the ocean is being held prisoner in an apartment somewhere in Newark. A ransom note has reportedly been received. The kidnappers are demanding two Christmases each year, and a hug from Mommy every night.
	He tosses his papers and exits.

"Can't Take My Eyes Off of You"

	Main stage. Kermit enters dressed in a tuxedo.
Kermit	Ladies and gentlemen, a lady you loved on Laugh-In and hundreds of other shows. A comedienne, an actress, a singer, a dancer, and a lot of fun at parties. Our guest star, Miss Ruth Buzzi.
	Open on Ruth in a dining room, bringing a jug of water to Sweetums, who is munching on a meaty bone. They both sing a duet of "Can't Take My Eyes Off of You". Sweetums rejects her wacky advances at first, but warms up to her. She finally breaks a chair on his head.
Sweetums	That's my kind of woman. (falls over)

UK Spot

	Rowlf starts playing the piano.
Rowlf	You may not know this, but I'm really a very sentimental dog. I cry easily. Onions, for instance, always make me cry.
	He sings "I Never Harmed an Onion", and is a sobbing wreck by the end of the song.

Talk Spot

Kermit	Well, Ruth, I thought we'd just sit here and chew the fat for a while.
Ruth	Oh, Kermit, I never chew the fat.
Kermit	Yeah, well …
Ruth	No, no. Fat is not good for you. Fat is a no-no. In fact, every time I see fat, I go blechh!
Kermit	Yeah, well, I —
Ruth	You are looking at a body, Kermit, that has not one ounce of fat on it. (points to her wrist)
Kermit	Well, yeah —
Ruth	This is lean. Lean. El lean-o, Kermit, my froggy friend.
Kermit	Yeah, yeah, I can see all that. Yeah.
Ruth	Kermit, I had a friend once who chewed so much fat that she was as big as a house, and she decided to rent herself out as a duplex. (laughs) You get it, Kermit? A duplex. (laughs) A little joke. (laughs, slaps Kermit on the back)
Kermit	I seem to be losing control here. Ruth, Ruth, what I meant, when I said all that back there, what I meant was let's talk a bit. Let's just talk a bit.
Ruth	Oh, I … I love to talk, Kermit. OK, what'll we talk about?
Kermit	Well, we uh, we all know that you hate fat, but uh, what do you love?
Ruth	Oh, well, uh, I love to eat.
Kermit	But you just said —
Ruth	I eat health foods, um, organic foods, dairy products …
Kermit	Uh, dairy products. No, that's a no-no. Dairy products killed my uncle.
Ruth	Oh, that's awful.
Kermit	Yep. He was hit by a dairy truck.
Ruth	That's terrible.
Kermit	His last words were: (scrunches down) "Take the cheese off my chest."
Ruth	Oh, that's awful, Kermit.
Kermit	(gets up) Yeah, well, don't blame me, I didn't write that.
Ruth	Oh! Oh, it's a joke.
Kermit	Yeah, it was just a joke. That's up to the laugh track. But uh, speaking of laughs, Ruth, you know, you really tickle me.
Ruth	Well, that's how I make everyone laugh.
Kermit	Uh, how's that?
Ruth	I tickle them.
	She tickles Kermit down to the floor.
Waldorf	Wonderful.
Statler	Marvelous.
Waldorf	(sings) That you should care for me.
Statler	Huh?
Waldorf	Hmm?

Fozzie's comedy act

	Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit	Ladies and gentlemen, now the act you've been waiting for. The man with the fur and the funnies, our own Fozzie Bear.
	The curtain opens on Fozzie.
Fozzie	Thank you, thank you, thank you. Love you all. Yeah. Oh, it's gonna be a great night tonight, aaaah!
Statler	Yeah. Somewhere, but not here. (chuckles)
Fozzie	You folks are in for a real treat! Heheh!
Waldorf	You mean you're finished? (Statler chuckles)
Fozzie	Hey — come on, you guys. Hey, a lot of these folks wanna see me!
Statler	Well, so do we.
Fozzie	You wanna see me perform?
Waldorf	No. Retire.
	They chuckle.
Fozzie	Hey, look. If you don't like me, why do you come here?
Waldorf	Because you're one of the top comics in the business.
Statler	In the world!
Waldorf	In the business world.
	They chuckle.
Fozzie	Look, who's doing this show? You or me?
Statler	Well, we're getting all the laughs.
Fozzie	This is my act!
Waldorf	And you're the greatest straight man in the business! You've never been funnier.
Statler	Never.
Fozzie	Really? … Oh, thank you! You're a wonderful audience! Kisses! Mwah! Kisses! Mwah mwah! Yeah!
	He dances off the stage as his fanfare plays.
Statler	What did we just do?
Waldorf	His act.
Statler	Well, we've never been funnier.
	They chuckle.

Prisoner

	Open on Ruth inside a jail cell, witnessing two guards carry a shrieking woman into another cell.
Woman	Oh! Oh, not that! Ohhh! Oh…
	Two guards walk up to her.
Guard 1 (Blue Frackle)	All right! Now, give us the information, or we have ways of making you talk.
	The other guard writes down the info as she talks.
Ruth	Yes, sir. Uh, I'm WAC Lieutenant Jane B. Smithers, First Battalion, Fifth Army. Based on the far side of the river. We have over 15,000 troops, heavily armed with 40 tanks and three fighter planes.
Guard 2	Good. Thank you very much. That's the information we needed. Thank you.
	The two guards start to walk away, but she stops them, and guard 2 writes down more info.
Ruth	(much less fearful) You're very welcome. Now, listen. We have enough food and ammunition for three weeks. (giggles) The commanding officer's name is Frank Irving. He's a gunnery expert and a former account exec with an ad agency in Philadelphia. (giggles)
Guard 1 (Blue Frackle)	Well, yeah, that's fine. That should do it. Thank you.
Guard 2	Yeah.
Ruth	He's 43 years old and has two children. And he drives a '63 Dodge station wagon. And the pilot flying plane number one is Mike Kelly. Oh, yes. He's a graduate of West Point and he wears a toupee.
Guard 2	That's enough! Enough already!
Ruth	He got three Bs and an A in his final year.
Guard 1 (Blue Frackle)	Uh, lady …
Ruth	And uh, he went with a general's daughter named Maggie.
Guard 1 (Blue Frackle)	I don't care.
Ruth	Oh, she had a mole on her left shoulder.
Guard 1 (Blue Frackle)	I'm warning you. We have ways of making you stop talking.
Ruth	Listen. Now, the other pilot is an expert in decoding …
Guard 1 (Blue Frackle)	Who is this?
Guard 2	I don't wanna hear it.
Ruth	… and he is a crack gin rummy player. I mean, he is really terrific. Now he once wanted to be with a rest stop, and I think that's something you two would really enjoy.
	She keeps talking as she pulls them close.
Guards	Please don't do any more. Stop. Don't talk. Please don't talk. Stop it, please.

Backstage

	Piggy puts her ear against the dressing room door. Kermit comes out, and she embraces him.
Miss Piggy	Oh! Light of my life! Frog of my arms! At last, we are alone!
Kermit	At last you are alone, Piggy. I'm about to go on stage in front of a thousand people. (walks away)
Miss Piggy	But — Oh, wretched day for a pig in her prime to be thus scorned.
	She goes inside her dressing room.
Miss Piggy	Oh … how I long to hear my love whisper sweet passion.
Robo-Kermit	Hiya, good-looking. Where you been all my life?
Miss Piggy	Kermit?
Robo-Kermit	Mm-hm.
Miss Piggy	Hubba-wha …
	She looks outside the dressing room. Rabo-Kermit glances at the viewer and smacks his lips.
Robo-Kermit	Hey uh, listen, you. Hey, you. How about you and me getting together and making some steam heat, huh, snuggle bunny?
Miss Piggy	Snuggle bunny? But …
Robo-Kermit	Oh, yeah, look, look, look. Let me take you away from all this. A marriage made in heaven. A frog and a pig. We could have bouncing baby figs.
Miss Piggy	Baby figs?
Robo-Kermit	Sure, let me whisper — Let me whisper sweet nothings in your ear.
Miss Piggy	Sweet nothings.
Robo-Kermit	(whispers)
Miss Piggy	Oh. Oh. Huh? (becomes disgusted) Ugh! Ugh! Yuk! How dare you say that to a pig!
	Kermit enters and gets in front of Robo-Kermit.
Kermit	Uh, Piggy, Piggy, uh, l-let me explain.
Miss Piggy	Oh? Explain this. (karate-chops him and steps on him) Hii-yah! Hiii! Hiii! Hiii!
Robo-Kermit	Hey, listen, I think you — you may have dented him.
Miss Piggy	I don't c —
	She does a double take and faints.
Robo-Kermit	Oh, well. The frog broke her fall.
	He mechanizes his way out of the room, but hits the closed door.

Talking Houses

	Zoom in on the two left houses.
House 2	I hear your son the hotel has become interested in religion.
House 1	Oh, interested isn't the word. He's seriously thinking about becoming a monastery.
	Zoom out. Musical button.

"You Can't Rollerskate in a Buffalo Herd"

	Main stage. Ruth enters. Sam sneaks up behind her.
Ruth	Kermit has asked me to introduce this week's closing number. So it is with great pleasure …
Sam the Eagle	Excuse me. Don't pay any mind to me, Miss Buzzi. I merely stand by, checking the content of this program to make sure it is morally above reproach.
Ruth	OK. (giggles) It is with great pleasure that I present the Gogolala Jubilee Jug-Band.
Sam the Eagle	That does not sound culturally uplifting.
	Open on the jug band, who sing "You Can't Rollerskate in a Buffalo Herd".
Banjo player	Pass me that jug over here!

Panel Discussion

	Open on the panelists chit-chatting as the fanfare plays.
Kermit	Time once again to raise the intellectual level of our program.
Sam the Eagle	It's about time too.
Kermit	Just hold it down there, Sam. Uh, tonight, our distinguished panel of experts includes our special guest, Miss Gloria Goodbody.
Ruth	Oh, thank you.
Kermit	You're more than welcome. And tonight we discuss that controversial topic, "Is the human body obsolete?"
Ruth	I presume the question under discussion is something to do with the importance, or lack thereof, of the physiological prowess, in this age of growing technology, and ever-escalating cybernetic engineering. (giggles)
Sam the Eagle	(snuggles up to her) That was wonderful.
Pig	I didn't understand it.
Ruth	Now, actually, actually, everyone, I was saying that I think we're supposed to be talking about physical fitness.
Sam the Eagle	Oh, physical fitness.
Kermit	Yes, physical fitness.
Miss Piggy (RH)	Well, I'm fit.
Pig	Let's get physical! (they start heavy petting)
Ruth	I'm a nut on physical fitness.
Sam the Eagle	Really?
Ruth	In fact, I've tried every exercise program that there is. Right now, I'm into yoga.
Sam the Eagle	Yoga?
Ruth	Yes, yoga.
Sam the Eagle	Isn't that that weird sour milk stuff?
Ruth	Oh, no. That's yogurt. This … is yoga. (stretches her leg on the table)
Sam the Eagle	What are you doing?
Ruth	(exhales)
Sam the Eagle	Doesn't that hurt?
Kermit	Well, that's about all the time we have.
Ruth	(exhales)
Sam the Eagle	What's going on?
Kermit	Are you all right, Miss Goodbody?
	She gets up on the table and assumes the dhanurasana, followed by others. Meanwhile the two pigs continue necking.
Kermit	Where are you going? There's supposed to be a discussion here.
Sam the Eagle	Oh, listen. Listen. That's nothing. Watch this! This is physical fitness. Wing-ups. (begins exercising) One, two, three, four. One, two, three, four.
Pig	You wanna elucidate?
Miss Piggy (RH)	Would I! (they go at it)
Kermit	The panel appear to be too busy … to continue the discussion, but tune in next week, where our topic will be crowd control and riot suppression.
Statler	Bravo! Bravo!
Waldorf	Wonderful.

Goodnights

	Main stage. Ruth stands next to Robo-Kermit.
Robo-Kermit	Well, that's all for tonight. Thank you all for watching, and special thanks to our wonderful guest star, Miss Buth Ruzzi. >Hic!< Buth Ruzzi. >Hic!< Buth Ruzzi. >Hic!< Buth Ruzzi. >Hic!< ... (and so on)
	Kermit escorts Robo-Kermit away.
Kermit	Oh, look at that, I knew this wicked contraption would break down eventually. Ugh. There.
Ruth	A mere machine could never replace a real frog.
Kermit	Aww. You're a nice person, Ruth.
Ruth	Thank you.
Kermit	And — and I hope we've tickled you as much as you've tickled us on the show.
Ruth	You have, Kermit.
Kermit	Right, guys? Huh?
	Fozzie, Scooter, Hilda, Wayne and an orange ball rush in and begin tickling her.
Fozzie	Tickle, tickle!
Ruth	(laughing) Oh, don't!
Kermit	Hey, join us next week on The Muppet Show.
	The credits roll.
Statler	Well, did you like the show?
Waldorf	(imitating Robo-Kermit) No, I didn't. No, I didn't. No, I didn't.