It's The Muppet Show, with our special guest star, Miss Ruth Buzzi!
The banner rises, and the theme begins.
Chorus girls
It's time to play the music It's time to light the lights It's time to meet the Muppets On The Muppet Show tonight!
Male chorus
It's time to put on makeup It's time to dress up right It's time to raise the curtain On The Muppet Show tonight!
The curtain opens on Fozzie.
Fozzie
I finally found a sure way to lose weight. I bought a scale that lies!
He takes off his hat. The audience laughs. The curtain closes.
Kermit
To introduce our guest star, That's what it's time to do! So it really makes me happy To introduce to you —
Miss Ruth Buzzi!
The curtain opens on Ruth with Sweetums, from a forthcoming number.
Kermit
But now let's get things started
Kermit & gang
On the most sensational, inspirational Celebrational, Muppetational This is what we call The Muppet Show!
The logo is pulled into the rafters just as Gonzo is about to strike the O.
Opening number[]
Main stage. Kermit enters to a fanfare.
Kermit
Hi, gang, and welcome to the show. Hey, I feel good tonight for two reasons. One, uh, Scooter's uncle has extended the lease on our theater, which gives us a roof over our head. And two, our special guest star is Miss Ruth Buzzi, which is enough to make anyone feel good. But right now, let's get the show under way with some musical mayhem. Hit it, boys.
Transition to the Electric Mayhem, who perform "Sunny".
Floyd
Sunny … Yesterday my life was filled with rain.
Animal
Too slow!!
Floyd
Sunny … You smiled at me and really eased the pain. Dark days are done. Bright days are here. My sunny one shines so sincere. Oh, sunny one so true, I love you.
Animal
Faster!!
Animal starts drumming faster.
Floyd
Sunny …
Animal
All right!!
Floyd
Thank you for the sunshine bouquet. Sunny … Thank you for the love you brought my way. You gave to me your all in all. Now I feel I'm ten feet tall. Oh, sunny one so true, I love you.
Animal
Faster!!
Animal starts drumming faster. Floyd tries to keep up with him.
Floyd
Sunny …
Animal
SUNNY!!
Floyd
Thank you for the truth you let me see — What's goin' on? Sunny — What's happening? — Thank you for the facts from A to Z. My life was torn like windblown sand, And a rock was formed when we held hands.. Oh, sunny one so true, I love you!
Animal
YEAHHH!!
Animal drums even faster. Floyd struggles to keep up with him.
Floyd
What's happening? Sunny — Wait-wait a minute. Thank you for the smile upon your face Oh, Sunny … thank you for the gleam that shows its grace. You're my spark, my nature's fire. You're my complete desire. Oh, sunny one so true, I love you!
Animal
Yeah! Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!
Animal finishes drumming. The others faint and pant like their out of breathe.
Backstage[]
The Mayhem walks past Kermit.
Zoot
Too fast. Too fast.
Kermit
Nice, nice. Nice job. Nice job.
Floyd
Will you tell him to lighten up, man?
Kermit
Yeah, I will. OK.
Animal chases after a shrieking Janice.
Kermit
Take it easy, Animal.
Scooter walks in, pushing a giant crate.
Scooter
Hi, Kermit! Hey, Kermit!
Kermit
Scooter? Scooter, Scooter, what is this?
Scooter
Oh, that's a crate.
Kermit
I can see it's a crate, but who's responsible for it?
Scooter
Oh, I am.
Kermit
Scooter! What makes you think you can bring a crate into the backstage?
Scooter
Uh, my uncle owns the theater.
Kermit
(changes his tune) And a nice crate it is too. May I ask you, what is in it?
Scooter
Sure, go ahead.
Kermit
What is in it?!
Scooter
Oh! Well, it's a mechanical windup TV show host.
Kermit
A mechanical windup TV show host.
Scooter
Right!
Kermit
Scooter, that is the dumbest, the craziest, most ridiculous idea you have ever — (shrieks)
Scooter opens the crate to reveal a wind-up replica of Kermit. Kermit looks it over.
Kermit
Good grief. Scooter, you're out of your mind!
Scooter
Mm-hm.
Robo-Kermit
Uh, be careful, frog. His uncle owns the theater.
Kermit
Wait a minute …
Robo-Kermit shoves Kermit into the crate and shuts it.
Robo-Kermit
Ha-ha.
At the Dance[]
Couples dance in a ballroom.
George the Janitor
(panting) I wish they'd had rock n' roll in the '40s.
Mildred
Why?
George the Janitor
We'd be dead by now.
A woman dances with a blue Frackle.
Woman
But don't you see? You've got to be strong. You've got to stand on your own two feet.
Blue Frackle
But that's the problem.
Woman
What?
Blue Frackle
I've got three feet.
Miss Piggy dances with another pig.
Pig (RH)
Oh, my dear. You are so lovely. Have I ever seen you in the movies?
Miss Piggy (RH)
Well, I don't think so. I hardly ever go.
Back to Mr. Three-foot.
Woman
Don't you feel stupid with three feet?
Blue Frackle
Sure, but the other one didn't come back from the cleaners.
Another woman dances with Rowlf.
Woman 2
You know, I have a bone to pick with you.
Rowlf
Too late. I just buried it.
Back to Mr. Three-foot.
Woman
Do you really have three feet?
Blue Frackle
Sure. (lifts his feet) One, two, three -- AAH! (falls down, then gets up) Three feet and one broken back.
The balcony.
Statler
Well, I think I'll go stretch my legs.
Animal
(pops up) I'll do it for you.
Animal stretches out Statler's legs as Statler yelps. Waldorf chuckles.
Backstage[]
Kermit
Well, time soon for the handsome frog here to make another one of his introductions. I will check myself and see how I look in the mirror.
Kermit comes face-to-face with Robo-Kermit, who mirrors Kermit'ts actions, except when Kermit turns away.
Robo-Kermit eventually makes his way out of the mirror.
Kermit
Scooter, where did you get this ridiculous windup TV-show host?
Robo-Kermit
I was a gift from his uncle.
Kermit
(begrudgingly) Welcome to the show.
Robo-Kermit slaps Kermit, and laughs.
Wayne and Wanda[]
Main stage. Sam stands on the proscenium.
Sam the Eagle
With a few exceptions, the characters on this program are weird and peculiar, and not to be trusted. One of those exceptions, aside from myself, of course, is the wonnnnnnderful singing team of Wayne and Wanda. They've really rehearsed this one, so they're sure to get it right. Here they are, Wayne and Wanda, with "Row, Row, Row."
Open on Wayne & Wanda in a rowboat.
Wanda
Young Johnny Jones, he had a cute little boat.
Wayne
And all the girlies I would take for a float.
Wanda
He had girlies on the shore.
Wayne
Sweet little peaches by the score.
Wayne & Wanda
But Johnnie was a wisenheimer, you know.
Wayne
A steady girl was Flo.
Wayne & Wanda
And every Sunday afternoon,
Wanda
She'd jump in his boat and they would spoon.
Wayne & Wanda
And then he'd row, row, row …
Glub, glub, glub … the boat sinks.
Muppet Newsflash[]
Newsman
Here's a Muppet news flash. (runs to the desk and reads from papers) The Atlantic Ocean has just been kidnapped. Disappearance of the ocean was first reported by lighthouse keeper Murray Patterson. He was awakened late last night when 500 fish pounded on his door asking for water.
Newsman
Authorities suspect that the ocean is being held prisoner in an apartment somewhere in Newark. A ransom note has reportedly been received. The kidnappers are demanding two Christmases each year, and a hug from Mommy every night.
Ladies and gentlemen, a lady you loved on Laugh-In and hundreds of other shows. A comedienne, an actress, a singer, a dancer, and a lot of fun at parties. Our guest star, Miss Ruth Buzzi.
Open on Ruth in a dining room, bringing a jug of water to Sweetums, who is munching on a meaty bone. They both sing a duet of "Can't Take My Eyes Off of You". Sweetums rejects her wacky advances at first, but warms up to her. She finally breaks a chair on his head.
Sweetums
That's my kind of woman. (falls over)
UK Spot[]
Rowlf starts playing the piano.
Rowlf
You may not know this, but I'm really a very sentimental dog. I cry easily. Onions, for instance, always make me cry.
Well, Ruth, I thought we'd just sit here and chew the fat for a while.
Ruth
Oh, Kermit, I never chew the fat.
Kermit
Yeah, well …
Ruth
No, no. Fat is not good for you. Fat is a no-no. In fact, every time I see fat, I go blechh!
Kermit
Yeah, well, I —
Ruth
You are looking at a body, Kermit, that has not one ounce of fat on it. (points to her wrist)
Kermit
Well, yeah —
Ruth
This is lean. Lean. El lean-o, Kermit, my froggy friend.
Kermit
Yeah, yeah, I can see all that. Yeah.
Ruth
Kermit, I had a friend once who chewed so much fat that she was as big as a house, and she decided to rent herself out as a duplex. (laughs) You get it, Kermit? A duplex. (laughs) A little joke. (laughs, slaps Kermit on the back)
Kermit
I seem to be losing control here. Ruth, Ruth, what I meant, when I said all that back there, what I meant was let's talk a bit. Let's just talk a bit.
Ruth
Oh, I … I love to talk, Kermit. OK, what'll we talk about?
Kermit
Well, we uh, we all know that you hate fat, but uh, what do you love?
Ruth
Oh, well, uh, I love to eat.
Kermit
But you just said —
Ruth
I eat health foods, um, organic foods, dairy products …
Kermit
Uh, dairy products. No, that's a no-no. Dairy products killed my uncle.
Ruth
Oh, that's awful.
Kermit
Yep. He was hit by a dairy truck.
Ruth
That's terrible.
Kermit
His last words were: (scrunches down) "Take the cheese off my chest."
Open on Ruth inside a jail cell, witnessing two guards carry a shrieking woman into another cell.
Woman
Oh! Oh, not that! Ohhh! Oh…
Two guards walk up to her.
Guard 1 (Blue Frackle)
All right! Now, give us the information, or we have ways of making you talk.
The other guard writes down the info as she talks.
Ruth
Yes, sir. Uh, I'm WAC Lieutenant Jane B. Smithers, First Battalion, Fifth Army. Based on the far side of the river. We have over 15,000 troops, heavily armed with 40 tanks and three fighter planes.
Guard 2
Good. Thank you very much. That's the information we needed. Thank you.
The two guards start to walk away, but she stops them, and guard 2 writes down more info.
Ruth
(much less fearful) You're very welcome. Now, listen. We have enough food and ammunition for three weeks. (giggles) The commanding officer's name is Frank Irving. He's a gunnery expert and a former account exec with an ad agency in Philadelphia. (giggles)
Guard 1 (Blue Frackle)
Well, yeah, that's fine. That should do it. Thank you.
Guard 2
Yeah.
Ruth
He's 43 years old and has two children. And he drives a '63 Dodge station wagon. And the pilot flying plane number one is Mike Kelly. Oh, yes. He's a graduate of West Point and he wears a toupee.
Guard 2
That's enough! Enough already!
Ruth
He got three Bs and an A in his final year.
Guard 1 (Blue Frackle)
Uh, lady …
Ruth
And uh, he went with a general's daughter named Maggie.
Guard 1 (Blue Frackle)
I don't care.
Ruth
Oh, she had a mole on her left shoulder.
Guard 1 (Blue Frackle)
I'm warning you. We have ways of making you stop talking.
Ruth
Listen. Now, the other pilot is an expert in decoding …
Guard 1 (Blue Frackle)
Who is this?
Guard 2
I don't wanna hear it.
Ruth
… and he is a crack gin rummy player. I mean, he is really terrific. Now he once wanted to be with a rest stop, and I think that's something you two would really enjoy.
She keeps talking as she pulls them close.
Guards
Please don't do any more. Stop. Don't talk. Please don't talk. Stop it, please.
Backstage[]
Piggy puts her ear against the dressing room door. Kermit comes out, and she embraces him.
Miss Piggy
Oh! Light of my life! Frog of my arms! At last, we are alone!
Kermit
At last you are alone, Piggy. I'm about to go on stage in front of a thousand people. (walks away)
Miss Piggy
But — Oh, wretched day for a pig in her prime to be thus scorned.
She goes inside her dressing room.
Miss Piggy
Oh … how I long to hear my love whisper sweet passion.
Robo-Kermit
Hiya, good-looking. Where you been all my life?
Miss Piggy
Kermit?
Robo-Kermit
Mm-hm.
Miss Piggy
Hubba-wha …
She looks outside the dressing room. Rabo-Kermit glances at the viewer and smacks his lips.
Robo-Kermit
Hey uh, listen, you. Hey, you. How about you and me getting together and making some steam heat, huh, snuggle bunny?
Miss Piggy
Snuggle bunny? But …
Robo-Kermit
Oh, yeah, look, look, look. Let me take you away from all this. A marriage made in heaven. A frog and a pig. We could have bouncing baby figs.
Miss Piggy
Baby figs?
Robo-Kermit
Sure, let me whisper — Let me whisper sweet nothings in your ear.
Miss Piggy
Sweet nothings.
Robo-Kermit
(whispers)
Miss Piggy
Oh. Oh. Huh? (becomes disgusted) Ugh! Ugh! Yuk! How dare you say that to a pig!
Kermit enters and gets in front of Robo-Kermit.
Kermit
Uh, Piggy, Piggy, uh, l-let me explain.
Miss Piggy
Oh? Explain this. (karate-chops him and steps on him) Hii-yah! Hiii! Hiii! Hiii!
Robo-Kermit
Hey, listen, I think you — you may have dented him.
Miss Piggy
I don't c —
She does a double take and faints.
Robo-Kermit
Oh, well. The frog broke her fall.
He mechanizes his way out of the room, but hits the closed door.
Talking Houses[]
Zoom in on the two left houses.
House 2
I hear your son the hotel has become interested in religion.
House 1
Oh, interested isn't the word. He's seriously thinking about becoming a monastery.
Main stage. Ruth enters. Sam sneaks up behind her.
Ruth
Kermit has asked me to introduce this week's closing number. So it is with great pleasure …
Sam the Eagle
Excuse me. Don't pay any mind to me, Miss Buzzi. I merely stand by, checking the content of this program to make sure it is morally above reproach.
Ruth
OK. (giggles) It is with great pleasure that I present the Gogolala Jubilee Jug-Band.
Sam the Eagle
That does not sound culturally uplifting.
Open on the jug band, who sing "You Can't Rollerskate in a Buffalo Herd".
Banjo player
Pass me that jug over here!
Panel Discussion[]
Open on the panelists chit-chatting as the fanfare plays.
Kermit
Time once again to raise the intellectual level of our program.
Sam the Eagle
It's about time too.
Kermit
Just hold it down there, Sam. Uh, tonight, our distinguished panel of experts includes our special guest, Miss Gloria Goodbody.
Ruth
Oh, thank you.
Kermit
You're more than welcome. And tonight we discuss that controversial topic, "Is the human body obsolete?"
Ruth
I presume the question under discussion is something to do with the importance, or lack thereof, of the physiological prowess, in this age of growing technology, and ever-escalating cybernetic engineering. (giggles)
Sam the Eagle
(snuggles up to her) That was wonderful.
Pig
I didn't understand it.
Ruth
Now, actually, actually, everyone, I was saying that I think we're supposed to be talking about physical fitness.
Sam the Eagle
Oh, physical fitness.
Kermit
Yes, physical fitness.
Miss Piggy (RH)
Well, I'm fit.
Pig
Let's get physical! (they start heavy petting)
Ruth
I'm a nut on physical fitness.
Sam the Eagle
Really?
Ruth
In fact, I've tried every exercise program that there is. Right now, I'm into yoga.
Sam the Eagle
Yoga?
Ruth
Yes, yoga.
Sam the Eagle
Isn't that that weird sour milk stuff?
Ruth
Oh, no. That's yogurt. This … is yoga. (stretches her leg on the table)
Sam the Eagle
What are you doing?
Ruth
(exhales)
Sam the Eagle
Doesn't that hurt?
Kermit
Well, that's about all the time we have.
Ruth
(exhales)
Sam the Eagle
What's going on?
Kermit
Are you all right, Miss Goodbody?
She gets up on the table and assumes the dhanurasana, followed by others. Meanwhile the two pigs continue necking.
Kermit
Where are you going? There's supposed to be a discussion here.
The panel appear to be too busy … to continue the discussion, but tune in next week, where our topic will be crowd control and riot suppression.
Statler
Bravo! Bravo!
Waldorf
Wonderful.
Goodnights[]
Main stage. Ruth stands next to Robo-Kermit.
Robo-Kermit
Well, that's all for tonight. Thank you all for watching, and special thanks to our wonderful guest star, Miss Buth Ruzzi. >Hic!< Buth Ruzzi. >Hic!< Buth Ruzzi. >Hic!< Buth Ruzzi. >Hic!< ... (and so on)
Kermit escorts Robo-Kermit away.
Kermit
Oh, look at that, I knew this wicked contraption would break down eventually. Ugh. There.
Ruth
A mere machine could never replace a real frog.
Kermit
Aww. You're a nice person, Ruth.
Ruth
Thank you.
Kermit
And — and I hope we've tickled you as much as you've tickled us on the show.
Ruth
You have, Kermit.
Kermit
Right, guys? Huh?
Fozzie, Scooter, Hilda, Wayne and an orange ball rush in and begin tickling her.
Fozzie
Tickle, tickle!
Ruth
(laughing) Oh, don't!
Kermit
Hey, join us next week on The Muppet Show.
The credits roll.
Statler
Well, did you like the show?
Waldorf
(imitating Robo-Kermit) No, I didn't. No, I didn't. No, I didn't.