The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 105: Rita Moreno.
Theme[]
Kermit appears in the show's O. | |
Kermit | It's The Muppet Show, with our special guest star, Miss Rita Moreno! |
The banner rises, and the theme begins. | |
Chorus girls |
It's time to play the music |
Male chorus |
It's time to put on makeup |
The curtain opens on Fozzie. | |
Fozzie | My cousin's so dumb, he spent two weeks in London trying to find the European Common Market. |
He takes off his hat and wiggles his ears. The audience laughs. The curtain closes. | |
Kermit |
To introduce our guest star, |
The curtain opens on Rita. Animal sneaks up behind her and bites her. | |
Kermit | But now let's get things started |
Kermit & gang |
On the most sensational, inspirational |
When Gonzo strikes the O, the effect reverberates through him. |
Opening number[]
Main stage. Kermit enters to applause. | |
Kermit | Thank you, thank you, thank you. And welcome to The Muppet Show. And what a show we got. We have music, comedy, 225 dancing elephants — who, unfortunately, left their costumes at home because they forgot to pack their trunks. |
Kermit looks confused. Enter Fozzie. | |
Fozzie | I gave him that joke! |
Kermit | I wish I gave it right back. But right now, let's get things moving with our special guest star, the beautiful, lovely, terrific and talented - lovely Miss Rita Moreno! |
For the opening number, Rita dances (and fights) in a saloon with a humanoid Muppet to the music of "I Get Ideas." |
Backstage[]
Veterinarian's Hospital[]
Backstage[]
Muppet Newsflash[]
The Swedish Chef[]
Backstage[]
At the Dance[]
UK Spot[]
Marvin Suggs[]
Panel Discussion[]
Open on Kermit and the panelists chit-chatting. | |
Kermit | Can we have a little quiet here? Can we have a little quiet? Quiet! Quiet, please! |
He accidentally bangs his gavel on his own flipper, and yelps. | |
Kermit | Uh, ahem, OK, time again to raise the intellectual level of our program, as our panel discusses questions of lasting importance. And our special guest tonight is Miss Tiffany Gonzalez. |
Rita | 'Allo 'allo 'allo! |
Kermit | Aloha, Tiffany. And our question of lasting importance: "Is conversation a dying art?" What do you think, Tiffany? |
Rita | (thick Cuban accent) Well, uh, yes, Kermit, people don't know how to talk. They speak gibberish. They don't say nothing. You talk to people, they don't listen. Fabulous. I'm talking to this crazy guy. I'm talking about war and peace. then he tells me something about the price of coconuts. Now am I crazy or is he crazy? |
Miss Piggy | What did she say? |
Panelist | I don't know. I wasn't listening. |
Miss Piggy | I was listening and I still don't know what she said. |
Rita | What's the matter with you? You don't understand English? |
Miss Piggy | (mocking her) No, I don't understand "Englich". |
Rita | Wait a minute … |
Panelist | (restrains Piggy) Don't make fun of the lady's accent. |
Rita | What accent? Listen, boychik, I speak as good English as the next guy. |
Miss Piggy | Yeah, if the next guy is Desi Arnaz! (chuckles) |
Kermit | Piggy, please. Girls, if you wa — |
Rita | Excuse me. I want to talk. (shuts Kermit's mouth) Listen, you. … How would you like a high heel in your hamhock? |
Miss Piggy | (gasps) Well, I never. |
Kermit | (bangs his gavel, trying to restore order) Yes, yes, yes. Now what about, what about conversation as a dying art? |
Miss Piggy | (to Rita) If conversation is a dying art, you've killed it! Hahaha! |
Kermit | Piggy, uh, please. Why don't you let Tiffany and The Guru talk? |
Miss Piggy | "Tiffany and The Guru." Didn't that star Annette Funicello and Frankie Avalon? |
Panelist | (chimes in) Oh, I saw that movie. |
Rita | Listen, your time is almost up. |
They all talk at the same time as Kermit bangs his gavel. | |
Brewster | Listen to me. You see, in my country we have a seldom used saying: "When the swine lubricates the automobile, you end up with a greased pig." |
Rita | That don't make sense. |
Brewster | I know. That's why it's seldom used. |
Rita | In my country we have a saying too: "Cuando uno trabaja con una cochinita majadera lo que hay que hacer es darle la amenaza de posibilidad de asesinato." ("When you work with a closed-minded pig, you have to threaten her with the possibility of murder.") |
Miss Piggy | What is that supposed to mean? |
Rita | That means one more crack from you and you're one dead enchilada! |
Miss Piggy | (gasp) Who let this wacko taco on the panel? |
Rita | Listen, how would you like to take a flying leap into a sausage factory? (pokes Piggy) |
Miss Piggy | (gasp) Don't touch me! |
Kermit | Uh, girls, uh … well uh … |
Rita and Piggy bicker, as they all start talking over each other. | |
Rita | OK, I'm sick and tired of you! Come over here! Come over here! She's a coward. |
Miss Piggy | Oh yeah? Oh yeah? Oh yeah? |
Kermit | Well, the question is, "is conversation a dying art?" And I don't think it is, but it is severely injured. Tune in next week when our topic will be improving US-Latin American relations. Okay? |
Statler | Yes … that Miss Moreno is easy on the eyes, but hard on the ears. |
Waldorf | Yes. In fact, I just got a concussion from that discussion. |
Statler | (laughs) |