My cousin is so thin, he paints his head gold and rents himself out as a flagpole!
He hangs his hat on his nose as the curtain closes.
Kermit sings introduction to... Mr. Jim Nabors!
Muppets gather around Jim.
After theme concludes, the O is completely empty, so Gonzo hits himself in the head instead.
Opening Number[]
Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit
Thank you, thank you, thank you! All right! Here we are once again with another great show for you, with our special guest star, Mr. Jim Nabors. And all of this — all of this is coming to you, by the way, from the Benny Vandergast Memorial Theater. Uh, we on The Muppet Show owe everything to Benny. Including three months back rent. So in lieu of the rent, here's the fantastic Dr. Teeth with "Money." Yeahhhh!
Dr. Teeth plays "Money" for the opening number. As the song reaches its climax, Dr. Teeth pulls a lever on the side of his piano, and it acts as a lotto machine, pouring out bills and coins.
Statler
They don't write the old songs anymore.
Waldorf
Nope. They only write new ones.
Statler
Yeah. Wha?
Backstage[]
Hilda follows Dr. Teeth past Kermit, carrying the prop money.
Hilda
Oh, Dr. Teeth, you are one hip dude.
Kermit
Nice number, nice number. Don't lose any of that money though.
Gopher? Uh, no, no. We have frogs, pigs and chickens around here, but we've never had a gopher. Matter of fact, you don't even look like a gopher.
Scooter
Yeah, well, you don't understand. You see, I'm your new gofer. Yeah, I'll gofer coffee, I'll gofer sandwiches, I'll gofer anything you need.
Kermit
I see.
Scooter follows Kermit as he walks.
Scooter
Yeah, well, I work real cheap and I got plenty of ideas for your theater, and I'll start tonight. OK?
Kermit
Listen, kid, I'm sorry, but you're too young, you don't have any experience, and I don't have any money for it in the budget.
Scooter
Yeah, well, my uncle owns this theater.
Kermit stops in his tracks.
Kermit
Uh, you start today, get me a cup of coffee, your salary is 20 a week. (into the intercom) Stand by for the next number.
Scooter
Could you make it 25?
Kermit
Are you kidding? I can't afford it!
Scooter
Gee, my uncle will be really disappointed.
Kermit
How about 30? (scowls)
Talking Houses[]
Open on a row of houses. Zoom in on the two left.
House 2
My wife's not feeling well.
House 1
Oh, sorry to hear it. What's the trouble?
House 2
She's got the shingles.
Zoom out. Musical button.
Gone With the Wind[]
Kermit
Uh, we're real proud to have with us on the show tonight, a gentleman who has two distinct personalities. He's a real country boy who became famous as Gomer Pyle, and also he sings everything from pop to opera. So let's give a real Muppet Show welcome to Jim Nabors!
Open on Muppet Ranch. Music swells up, and Jim sings.
Jim
Gone with the wind, Just like a leaf that has blown away. Gone with the wind, My romance has flown away. Yesterday's kisses are still on my lips. I had a lifetime of heaven at my fingertips.
A belle makes her way to him. He embraces her.
Jim
Now all is gone, Gone is the rapture that thrilled my heart. Gone with the wind, The gladness that filled my heart.
The wind becomes stronger, blowing her out of his arms.
Jim
Just like a flame, Love burned brightly then became An empty smoke dream that has gone, Gone with the wind.
Jim looks around as the wind becomes stronger.
Jim
Now all is gone, Gone is the rapture that thrilled my heart. Gone with the wind, The gladness that filled my heart.
The fence and the Muppet Ranch sign collapse. The girl comes back. Her wig falls off, then she is blown away again.
Jim
Just like a flame, Love burned brightly then became An empty smoke dream that has gone, Gone with the wind.
Jim's pants fall down as he finishes the song.
Waldorf
I tell ya, that Jim Nabors is a real good sport, a real good singer.
Statler
I used to live next door to him. He was a real good Nabor. (laughs)
Muppet Newsflash[]
Newsman
Here's a Muppet Newsflash. (runs to the desk) Billy Lee Boomer, a gas-station attendant from Penny Box, Texas, reported a flying saucer landed at his station last night. Said Mr. Boomer …
Jim appears in the monitor.
Jim
They didn't want no gas, they just wanted to use the restroom. Can't say as I blame 'em. Said they'd traveled 83 million miles without a stop. (smiles)
Backstage[]
Wayne and Wanda walk past Kermit.
Wanda
No, I don't know when we're going on either.
Kermit
(mumbles) Always griping.
Scooter rushes over.
Scooter
Hey Kermit, here's your coffee — whoa!
He spills it on Kermit, who screams.
Scooter
Hot, huh? Just the way you like it!
Kermit
Mm - too much sugar.
Scooter
Yeah, well anyway, I just found this fantastic new act!
Kermit
Uh, Scooter, I don't have time on the show for a new act.
Scooter
Oh, that's too bad. I found him in my uncle's office. It's his favorite act. (shrugs)
Kermit
Uh, what's the name of the act?
Scooter
Oh! They're called the Danceros. Oh, they're fantastic! They're outta sight!
Kermit
And they're your uncle's favorite act.
Scooter
Right.
Kermit
(begrudgingly) I'll introduce them.
Scooter
Oh boy! Hey Danceros, you're on!
The Danceros[]
Main stage. Kermit enters to laughter.
Kermit
Okay, uh, now with great pride and uh, ahem, no little fear, the international debut of the Danceros. Whatever they are.
The curtain opens on two pairs of tap-dancing legs.
Voice
Take it. … (dancing) … Take it. … (dancing) … Take it!
Zoom out to reveal that the four legs (and voice) belong to one creature.
Danceros
Going home!
The music speeds up, and he stumbles over his own legs and collapses as it ends.
Danceros
It went better in rehearsal.
He stumbles off-stage.
Blackout[]
Animal walks past Jim.
Jim
Hey, Animal. Are you on next?
Animal
Yeah.
Jim
Well, as they say in show business, break a leg.
Animal
Wha?
Jim
I said break a leg.
Animal
Oh, thank you!
Animal whacks Jim on the leg with a mallet. Jim yelps, and Animal giggles.
Backstage[]
Scooter follows Kermit around, much to Kermit's dismay.
Kermit
George, George. Come here.
George the Janitor
I'm busy.
Kermit
Come here. Have you met Scooter? This is Scooter. He's our new gofer, so if you need anything around here, you know … (dashes off)
George the Janitor
Need anything? Me? Need anything from some young kid? Huh. (to Scooter) Listen, kid. I've been with this theater since the very beginning, you know? Before that new guy bought it and ruined it. Heh. Now the roof leaks, and the seats are torn, the furnace is on the fritz. I tell you, he is the worst.
Scooter
Yeah, he's my uncle.
George the Janitor
He is the best. What's a theater without problems?
Scooter
(nods) Right.
George the Janitor
Your uncle's got a good head on his shoulders.
Scooter
Oh?
George the Janitor
Unlike some people around here.
A headless figure walks by.
At the Dance[]
Couples dance in a ballroom.
George the Janitor
Ten, eleven, twelve. Yeah, go.
Mildred
You know, my marriage was wrecked by something really stupid.
George the Janitor
What was that?
Mildred
My husband.
Rowlf
You know, my doctor says I'm getting the Asian flu.
Girl
What did he say to do?
Rowlf
He says take two fortune cookies and he'd call me in the morning.
Zoot
Do you believe in the hereafter?
Janice
Oh, yes.
Zoot
Ah, then you know what I'm here after.
Loud lady
OH, I JUST LOVE THIS MUSIC! ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME?
Man
(wearing earmuffs) Your voice is music to my ears.
Headless figure
You got something I've been looking for all my life.
Statler
Well, it's halftime.
Waldorf
It is?
Statler
Yeah.
Waldorf
What's the score?
Statler
Eh, Muppets six, audience nothing.
UK Spot[]
Baskerville stands by the piano as Rowlf plays.
Rowlf
All right, now this is what you call your dog kind of music here, as you'll see. Sing it.
Baskerville
Bowery corner, foggy night, Passing crowd, electric light.
Rowlf
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
Baskerville
German chef, can of tin, Sausages are boiled within.
Oh, play it pretty, Rowlf.
Yeller dog, nearby prowls.
Rowlf
(sniffs, growls)
Baskerville
Smells a sausage, softly growls. Clumsy man, wooden leg, Upsets the boiler with his peg.
Rowlf
(howls)
Baskerville
Spills a sausage, scatters wurst, Yeller dog, he gets there first. He grabs the sausage, splits the fog. It's another case of dog-eat-dog.
Baskerville & Rowlf
(harmonizing) It's another case of dog-eat-dog.
Rowlf
(howls)
Talk Spot[]
Kermit
Hey, you know, Jim, it's a real pleasure to have you with us on the show.
Jim
Well, thank you, Kermit. It's a real pleasure to be here. I'm sort of an old country boy and I feeI right at home with all these chickens and roosters and pigs. Especially that Miss Piggy, I just love her.
Kermit
Piggy Lee.
Piggy throws herself at Jim.
Miss Piggy
You called, my love?
Jim
Hey, Miss Piggy.
Kermit
Uh, Piggy, if you don't mind, uh, Jim and I were just trying to hold a quiet conversation.
Miss Piggy
Oh, go right ahead. Don't mind me. Kermit, one thing. I never know whether to call him Jim or Gomer.
Jim
(chuckles) Well, I guess it is kinda confusing. You see, I played Gomer Pyle on television for so long …
Kermit
Gomer Pyle? I love Gomer Pyle.
Jim
Oh, thank you. Well, I played him for so long I guess I get confused myself. But it goes along with my astrological sign. You see, I'm a Gemini. That means I got twin personalities.
Kermit
Oh, yeah. Hey, listen, well, I'm a Taurus.
Jim
You're a Taurus. That's the sign of the bull, isn't it?
Kermit
Mm-hm. I'm a bullfrog. (Jim laughs) That's just a little joke.
Jim
What sign were you born under, Piggy?
Miss Piggy
Well, I, uh, wasn't born under a sign. I was born over a sign. At Becker's Butcher Shop. I moved as soon as possible.
Jim
I don't blame you.
Kermit
Hey, I was wondering, Jim, does being a Gemini give you any kind of problems?
Jim
Well, it sure does, you know, because, you know, I talk like this, but then I sing like this:
He sings a passage from Pagliacci, knocking Kermit off the wall. Kermit walks off.
Jim
… What happened to Kermit?
Miss Piggy
He doesn't appreciate classical music, James. But it drives me bananas. (starts smothering him) Oh, sing again, please! Oh, Jim! Oh, I love it when you sing. Hold me!
Jim
Wait a minute, Miss Piggy. Control yourself, Miss Piggy. Kermit?…
Backstage[]
Fozzie stops Kermit in his tracks.
Fozzie
Kermit? Kermit? Could you — H-h-hold it!
Kermit
Yeah, Fozzie. — Wh-wh-what?
Fozzie
Listen. "Wh-wh-what?" Listen. Listen. There is a young kid following me all around the theater.
Kermit
Yeah, I know. His name is Scooter.
Fozzie
Cute. Cute name.
Kermit
(mumbling) Yeah, I suppose.
Fozzie
The trouble is, you see, he's following me all around and giving me these jokes for my act and they are awful.
Kermit
Fozzie, how would you know?
Fozzie
How would I know? Smarty-frog. Ok. OK, listen. Here's one of these jokes he gave me. It's terrible.
Enter Hilda and Gonzo.
Kermit
OK, a joke.
Fozzie
Hilda, Gonzo, this is one of these jokes.
Gonzo
Shoot.
Fozzie
I stay at a hotel so exclusive, room service has an unlisted number.
The three of them burst out laughing and run away. Fozzie gets a look of realization, and looks around for Scooter.
Fozzie
SCOOOOOOTERRR! Scooter?
Wayne and Wanda[]
Sam the Eagle
And here they are, the world's finest and most morally unobjectionable singing team, Wayne and Wanda.
Sam walks away mumbling. The curtain opens as music swells up.
Wayne
And now, "Indian Love Call."
Wanda
When I'm calling yoooooooooooou…
Indian
Hey, baby. You called?
Wanda bursts into tears and cries on Wayne's shoulder. The curtain closes.
Fozzie's Comedy Act[]
Kermit emerges from the curtain.
Kermit
OK, uh … uh, here we are, moving right along now, the comedy star of our show - the man who comes to us direct from a very long engagement — but a very short marriage — the man who thinks that Elton John is a singing bathroom - I'd like now to bring out one of the top comics of the business —
Statler
Heh, since he's not here, bring out the regular guy. (laughs)
Kermit
OK, here he is now, our very own barrel of boffs, Mr. Fozzie Bear!
Fozzie comes out to applause and a fanfare.
Fozzie
Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Time for fun with Fozzie Bear! Here's some jokes from everywhere. Aah!
Waldorf
Hey, hey, hey, it's that silly bear!
Statler
It's time for the audience to go elsewhere.
They chuckle.
Fozzie
Uh, ahem - if you don't mind, I'll do the jokes.
Waldorf
We don't mind. But when are you gonna do 'em?
They chuckle.
Fozzie
Pay no attention to them, folks. They don't bother me. I can handle hecklers in my sleep.
Statler
Oh, well, don't tell that to the audience. They're asleep too.
They chuckle.
Fozzie
Uh, uh … oh yeah?
Waldorf
Yeah!
Fozzie
Oh. … Oh yeah?
Statler
Yeah!
Fozzie
Oh yeah?
Waldorf
Yeah!
Fozzie
Oh yeah?
Statler & Waldorf
Yeah!
Fozzie
Uh … listen. I'm gonna tell you my best joke, and if you don't laugh, then I'll never come back out on this stage again, OK?
Waldorf
It's a deal.
Fozzie
Oh. Ah, uh, uh, uh … These two cannibals were talking. One cannibal says to the other cannibal: "Who was that lady I saw you out with last night?" The other cannibal says, "That was no lady, that was my lunch!"
Statler and Waldorf burst out laughing.
Fozzie
Ah! Ah! I got you, I got you! And I lied. That was my worst joke. Oh, I love me when I'm good. Pacing, timing … (kisses his hat as the curtain closes)
Waldorf
Why did we laugh at that terrible joke?
Statler
Well, either we're getting soft or we're in the first stages of senility.
Bakery[]
Open on a man (Jim) sitting at a desk. He turns to the camera.
Jim
(to viewer) Go-o-olly. Here it is, my first night at Benson's Bakery as a watchman, and I gotta be real careful to not let anybody in here. Uh-oh. Here comes somebody now.
Rowlf walks in, scatting, wearing a bandanna.
Jim
Wait! Stop right there. Stop right there. Put up your hands. Put up your hands.
Rowlf
I beg pardon?
Jim
Your hands. Put 'em up.
Rowlf
Oh? Oh, okay.
He displays two chickens.
Jim
What's that?
Rowlf
Those are my hens. Where shall I put 'em?
Jim
Well, uh, right here on the table, I guess.
Rowlf
Ok. (does so)
Jim
Now, wait a minute, wait a minute. What right have you got to be here?
Rowlf
Uh, what rat do I have? Well, I got uh … I got this rat right here.
He displays a rat, which squeaks.
Jim
Oh. Well, I guess you do have a right to be here.
Rowlf
Mm. Thank you. (begins to walk out)
Jim
Now wait a minute, wait a minute. Don't move a hair.
Rowlf
Okay.
He displays a rabbit.
Jim
What's that?
Rowlf
That's the hare I'm not supposed to move.
Jim
Now, wait a minute. I don't want any beef out of you.
Rowlf
No beef. Ok. Here's some pork. (holds up a pig)
Jim
Now — now — now wait just a minute. What are all you animals doing here? This is supposed to be a bakery.
Rowlf
Well, you see, the farmer's been losing money. We came here to raise some dough!
They all laugh.
Jim
Well, well, well. I'm sure glad we got that straightened out. For a minute there I thought you was just being silly.
They all laugh.
Backstage[]
Fozzie reads from a piece of paper.
Fozzie
"Let me tell you about my nearsighted cousin …"
Scooter
Hi, Fozzie.
Fozzie
"Let me tell you" — Oh! Oh. Hi. Hi, Scooter.
Scooter
Yeah - hey, Foz, you know, I think you're the greatest comedian there ever was.
Fozzie
(dumbfounded) Me? You think that I'm the — Oh, wow.
Scooter
Really, I mean it. Cross my heart.
Fozzie
Yeah?
Scooter
You're the best. Nobody, nobody tells a joke as good as you. Every line, every joke, everything you say, it makes me fall down laughing. You're a million laughs! (laughs out loud)
Fozzie
Okay. Hey, hey. In that case, ahem, let me tell you about my nearsighted cousin. He's so rich, his automobile's fitted with a prescription windshield.
Scooter
OK, tell me about him.
He gives Scooter a blank stare.
Fozzie
(to the viewer) Lucky his uncle owns this place. (to Scooter) That was a joke!
Jim sings "Thank God I'm a Country Boy" with The Gogolala Jubilee Jugband, Catgut, Baskerville, and some pigs and chickens.
Goodnights[]
Kermit
Well, that just about wraps it up for another one. We want to give our special thanks to our very special guest star, Mr. Jim Nabors. Yeah! Let's hear it for Jim! (applause as Jim comes out) Hey, Jim, I hope you had a good time.
Jim
I sure did, Kermit. But tell me, who was that little ol' fella that kept following me through after the show?
Kermit
Oh, that's Scooter. His uncle owns the theater.
Scooter
You called?
Kermit
No, I didn't!
Jim
Oh, that's OK, Kermit. He was real nice. He picked up my coffee and he picked up my wardrobe.
Scooter
Yeah, I even picked up his accent. "Well, go-o-olly!"
Kermit
(to Jim) Be careful he doesn't try to pick up your paycheck.
Scooter
(taking offense) I'm shocked!
Fozzie
I'm Fozzie.
Miss Piggy
I'm Piggy.
Animal
I'm Animal.
Kermit
Well, I'm saying good night. We'll see you all next time on The Muppet Show!
