Episode 106: Tony Bennett/transcript

Cold open

	Clifford walks down the hall, encountering Johnny singing "Rags to Riches", surrounded by Tony Bennett memorabilia.
Clifford	Johnny! What you doin' in the green room?
Johnny	Oh, Clifford! I'm so glad you stopped in. Listen, in honor of Tony being on the show, I thought I'd bring in a few of my collectibles from home.
Clifford	You brought in all this yourself?
Johnny	Oh, you better believe it, kid. (laughs)
Sal	(carrying a box) I got the last one here, Johnny.
Johnny	Oh, thank you, Sal. Listen, put it over there, huh, pal?
Sal	Okay.
Johnny	Great. Look, Clifford, I got every album Tony ever made, including this very rare, Sergeant Tony's Lonely Hearts Club Gang, which, by the way, came out a week before the one with those other guys.
Clifford	The Beatles?
Johnny	... Whatever. Anyway, look, I got the Tony Bennett lunchbox, huh? And then, and then I got the Tony Bennett action figure with kung-fu grip. And then, I got a full case of his canned pasta, Rig-a-Tony Bennett!
Sal	You want I should open a can, Johnny?
Johnny	Sal. Is it New Year's?
Sal	No. Sorry, Johnny.
Clifford	Uh, listen, well, I gotta go. You guys are startin' to scare me.
Johnny	Oh no, Clifford, wait, hold, hold ––
Clifford	Word, word?
Johnny	You have not yet seen the piece of resistance. Sal, the curtain!
Sal	Whoa! Here we go ...
Johnny	Watch this...
	Sal pulls back a red curtain to reveal a Tony Bennett statue in a glass case.
Sal	Ta-dum!
Johnny	Huh? Yes, to the untrained eye, it would appear that I have Tony Bennett locked in this here case. But, in truth, it is a fully operational automated Tony Bennett, of which I got the only one ever made, watch this.
	He switches it on. The automa-Tony sings "I Left My Heart in San Francisco" as a film of a cable car is projected behind him.
Clifford	Wow! That's amazing!
Sal	Yeah.
Johnny	Yeah, yeah, I know. And, and he'll even tell your fortune.
	He presses a button.
Tony	Beware of falling cows.
Clifford	What kinda stupid fortune is that?
	A cow falls on him.
Cow (JN)	That kind.
	Johnny and Sal glance at each other.

Theme

	Kermit opens the doors to the Muppet Theater.
Kermit	It's Muppets Tonight, with our very special guest star, Tony Bennett!
	He is immediately trampled by theater patrons. Clifford sings the theme song while wandering through the dressing room to the control room to the stage, as Jowls whistles. Clifford reaches the stage, goes to a wall and throws a switch which lights up the show's title.

Opening number

	Open on the house band.
A. Ligator	And now, here's the host of our show, C'lifford!
	Clifford comes onstage to applause.
Clifford	Hey! What's up, what's up! Welcome to Muppets Tonight, the show that has something for every man, woman and child.
Rizzo	Hey, what about my people?
Clifford	Oh yeah, how could I forget our always-important rat population?
Rizzo	Thank you. Haha.
Clifford	Any hue, tonight's special guest is one of the great singers of this or any other generation, Mr. Tony Bennett!
	Applause. Tony stands on stage with Kermit.
Kermit	Oh, thank you. Thank you very much. Ahh!
Tony	How about that? It gets 'em.
Kermit	Yeah. Whoo.
Tony	Thank you. Hey Kermit, have you ever sung "Firefly" before?
Kermit	Well, I can't say that I have, Tony, but you know, I've certainly eaten a few. (Tony laughs) They're a good, light snack. (chuckles)
	The band starts playing.
Tony	Oh boy. Hey, come on, let's do this.
Kermit	Okay, you start it off, okay?
Tony	Alright.
	They sing "Firefly". Spamela emerges dressed as one, attracting Andy and Randy. When they try to touch her, sparks fly and her tail-bulb starts to short.
Randy	I can fix it.
Andy	I can help you.
	POP! Spamela shrieks. Nigel, Eugene and Rizzo watch from the control room.
Nigel	Oh, good grief. Spamela's smoking.
Rizzo	Haha, is she ever!
Nigel	No, no, somebody get a fire extinguisher!
Rizzo	(scrambling) Fire extinguisher, yeah...
	Onstage, Tony and Kermit finish the duet, while Andy fires a fire extinguisher at Spamela. Andy and Randy touch her behind, and get electrocuted. Switch to the nursing home.
Statler	What's that famous song Tony Bennett sings?
Waldorf	"I Left My Heart in San Francisco".
Statler	Big deal! I left my teeth in Minneapolis.
	They chuckle.

NYPD Green

	Crime scene, night. Kermit and Gary approach the scene as the theme music plays.
A. Ligator	And now for tonight's exciting episode of NYPD Green.
Kermit	Did you see where he went?
Gary	Nah. Nah, I think we lost him.
Kermit	Aw, I can't believe we let that filthy dirtbag get away.
Censor (LCR)	Excuse me. Excuse me.
Kermit	Uh, who are you?
Censor (LCR)	I'm the network censor, and you cannot call someone a "filthy dirtbag" on a family show.
	The frogs laugh sheepishly.
Kermit	Oh –– Oh, no, no, no.
Gary	No, no –– you, you misunderstood.
Kermit	(picks up a dirt bag) Yeah, you see, we were actually talking about an actual filthy bag of dirt here that was stolen.
Gary	Yeah.
Censor (LCR)	Oh... Sorry. Please continue. (exits)
Kermit	Okay. Uh, where were we? Uh ... oh, I think it's your line. (takes his place)
Gary	My line. Yes. Yes.
Kermit	Yep yep yep. Ahem.
Gary	Uh, I swear, Detective Amphibowitz, I will not rest until we catch that slimy scuzzball.
Censor (LCR)	Stop! Stop! You cannot say "slimy scuzzball".
Kermit	Oh, no. You misunderstood again.
Gary	Yeah, no no, you see, the guy that stole the filthy dirtbag is actually a slimy scuzzball.
Kermit	That's right, that's right. Uh, Scuzz, could you come in here for a second please?
	The scuzzball rolls into view, disgusting the censor.
Scuzzball (JN)	That's right, lady. I'm a scuzzball. I live under the couch. The cat coughed me up. You got a problem with that?
Censor (LCR)	No, that's fine. I'm sorry. (the scuzzball rolls away) Uh ... carry on.
	She walks over to a vampire kissing a fish.
Vampire (DG)	Ah-ah-ah. Oh, my little baby. Mwah. Mwah.
Censor (LCR)	I suppose this is a bloodsucking bass-kisser?
Kermit	No, that's Don, the prop guy.
Gary	Wow, lady, you got a filthy mind on you.
Kermit	Come on, Gary, let's just flip off the camera.
Censor (LCR)	What?
	He walks to the camera and shuts it off.

Gonzo's stunt

	Main stage. Applause.
Clifford	Yeah. Give it up. Heh heh heh. And now, Muppets Tonight nervously presents Gonzo the Great and his misguided missiles of death!
	Applause. The house band plays a fanfare as Gonzo slides in and bumps into Clifford.
Gonzo	Thank you, Clifford! Whoa! ... Hey! Good evening, danger lovers. Tonight, I, the great Gonzo, will attach myself to this intercontinental ballistic missile, and ski-jump over eight, live, free-range chickens!
Chickens	(clucking)
Clifford	Yo, yo Gonzo. Why do you need a rocket just to jump over chickens?
Gonzo	I give up, Clifford. Why do you need a rocket just to jump over chickens?
Clifford	No, man, it's not a joke!
Clifford	You're telling me! You should see my insurance premiums!
	The chickens laugh at his joke. Clifford walks off, and Gonzo gets into place.
Gonzo	Chickens... a little Wagner, please.
	They cluck "Ride of the Valkyries".
Gonzo	Okay Camilla, let 'er rip! Ha ha!
	Camilla presses a button and launches the missile. Gonzo sails out of the auditorium, through the backstage doors, and past Rizzo's desk.
Rizzo	Bet you won't see that on Friends. Heh.
	Gonzo shoots into the elevator, and the door closes. The door opens at the lobby, and Gonzo shoots out of the elevator past Bobo.
Bobo	Have a good day, sir.
	Back at the control room...
Nigel	Yes, and everything's going smoothly, team. Gonzo cleared those chickens with about 18,000 miles to spare. (laughs) And that leaves us with... nothing. (does a take) Nothing?!? There's nothing on stage! Quick quick quick! (scrambles to the control panel) Cue The Johnny Fiama Show! Get out of the way!

Backstage / Johnny Fiama Show

Rizzo	(into earpiece) Cue Johnny Fiama.
Clifford	Oh, man, did you see that? Did you see that?
Rizzo	Yeah.
Clifford	That was great! Did you see Gonzo take off?
Rizzo	Oh, yeah.
Clifford	Well, where'd he land?
Rizzo	Uh, well, technically, chief, he –– he hasn't.
Clifford	Say what?
Rizzo	Uh-uh.
Clifford	Well where's he at, then?
	He walks over to Dr. Bunsen and Beaker operating a radar.
Bunsen	Well, Clifford, we're tracking Gonzo right now, and according to our calculations, he has just passed over Perth, and is now somewhere near Rapid City, South Dakota.
Clifford	Heh heh. Well alright!
	Meanwhile, Gonzo zooms past Mount Rushmore.
Gonzo	Hello, Mr. President!
Washington	That was cool.
Jefferson	Whoa, that guy can fly fast and stuff.
Roosevelt	Heh heh. You said "Fly." Heh heh, heh heh.
Lincoln	Huh huh. Shut up, rockhead.
	They all laugh like Beavis and Butt-head. Meanwhile, back at the radar...
Bunsen	Now he's over Turkey. Now he's over Greece. Now he's overeaten. (laughs) I made a funny.
	A bell dings.
Clifford	Yo, Dr. Dew. What does that bell mean?
Bunsen	I think that means that Gonzo has reached the apogee of his trajectory.
Lew Zealand	(opens a microwave) Nope. That means... my popcorn is done! (laughs, walks away)
Clifford	While you guys keep an eye on Gonzo, I'ma go and check out the Johnny Fiama talk show. Hope he's not doing a Letterman ripoff.
Rizzo	Nahh. He would never do that.
	Switch to the show, which is indeed a ripoff. Johnny reads from a list, "Top Ten Reasons Chicks Dig Me", while Sal sits on the guest couch with a plate of cannoli.
Johnny	Number 2... (reads) My monkey bodyguard is there to flick away the flies. (laughs)
	Rimshot.
Sal	Aw ... (laughs)
Johnny	And the number 1 reason chicks dig me... (drumroll; he reads) I still cry when Bambi's mother buys the farm!
	He and Sal laugh. Applause.
Johnny	Okay, alright, thank you, Sal. We're moving on, huh? And now it's time to, to bring out my first guest. I tell ya, I am so excited. Uh, let me explain. Tony Bennett is my all-time favorite idol. I am so nervous. We've never met. Uh, the man –– he loves a marinara with linguini, like I do. So, let's bring him out. I'm very excited. Very nervous. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Tony Bennett!
	The band plays a refrain from "I Left My Heart..." as Tony enters, shakes Johnny's hand and sits on the couch.
Johnny	Oh, my ...
Tony	Great to finally meet you, Johnny.
Johnny	(clams up)
Tony	Is he okay, Sal?
Sal	Yeah, yeah. He's just scared out of his gourd to meet you. Want a cannoli?
Tony	Uh, no. No, thanks.
Sal	Eh, suit yourself.
Tony	Johnny, maybe you and I should just sing a song and--
Johnny	Uh, song?
Tony	Yeah, come on.
Johnny	Now?
	Tony stands up as the band begins to play.
Tony	Yeah, now.
Sal	Yeah, come on, Johnny.
Tony	We'll have fun.
	Tony and Johnny take center stage. They try to get through a duet of "Let's Call the Whole Thing Off", but Johnny stammers all the way through, ultimately fainting.
Tony	Ha! I guess we'll call the whole thing off. Hey, Sal, save me a cannoli.
Sal	(mouth full) Yeah, sure. Oops. I--I finished them all.
	Music button.

The Tubmans of Porksmith

	The dining room. Howard eats a piece of cake, while Carter approaches with a tape measure.
A. Ligator	And now, the continuing saga of America's oldest and fattest family, The Tubmans of Porksmith.
Howard	Carter?
Carter	Yes?
Howard	I believe these trousers need to be let out again.
Carter	(grunts) For the seventeenth time this year, sir, you must learn to control your lust for dessert!
Howard	Mmm! Dessert. Well, that reminds me. There's a colonial rum cake I've put away. We'll celebrate the letting out of my pants! What say you?
	A band of robbers enter and stick 'em up.
Robber (BB)	(a la Edward G. Robinson) Alright, you fine New England gentlemen, this is a robbery, see! Meh!
Howard	Please! Please! Take anything! I abhor violence!
Robber (LCR)	Hey, shut yer trap. We want your gold and your jewels, and your ––
Robber (BB)	Hey! Look what we have here. It's a safe.
Howard	No –– please! Don't open that! I beg of you, take anything but that!
	He opens the safe and finds ...
Robber (BB)	A colonial rum cake?
Robber (LCR)	What sort of a Yankee Doodle dummy puts a cake in a safe?
Robber (BB)	Oh, well, let's have a piece, huh?
Robber (LCR)	Yeah.
Howard	Oh no you don't!
Robbers	Huh?
Howard	I told you not to touch that!
	He beats up the robbers, who flee.
Howard	Don't touch my rum cake! Don't you dare touch my rum cake! No, no, no, no, don't –– leave! Well, that's a shame. I was going to ask them to stay for a cup of tea.
Carter	I'll have a cup of tea, sir.
Howard	Oh, excellent.
Carter	And I wouldn't mind a slice of that colonial rum cake.
	Carter walks toward the safe; Howard knocks him down and guards the safe.
Howard	Huh? Not with my rum cake, you don't, mister! Don't you try it.
	Fade to black.

Carl

	Main stage. Applause.
Clifford	Yeah. Welcome back to Muppets Tonight. Let's give a big welcome to an act that I know you'll like: the musical stylings of Carl, the big mean bunny.
	Applause. Carl, wearing bunny ears and carrying a violin, enters to a band fanfare.
Clifford	Give it up. Give it up. –– Wait a minute. You're not a bunny.
Carl	No. But I'm big and mean. Oh! What's on your tie?
	He points to Clifford's tie with the violin bow, then whacks Clifford in the nose.
Carl	Ha ha! Thank you.
	He starts playing out of tune. Meanwhile, back in the control room...
Rizzo	Uh, any news from Gonzo yet?
Bunsen	Not yet. According to our calculations, he's somewhere in New York City.
Muppets	(gasp) New York City?

At the Bar

	Mr. Callahan enters through the doors.
Polly Lobster	♪ If ya want my body, and ya think I'm sexy — Oh! Hi, Mr. Callahan. How ya doin'? Uh, you want the usual? No? Well, let me mix you up something I call ... my Sergio Surprise!
	He hands Mr. C a bubbling drink, when a green creature pops out of it and snarls.
Polly Lobster	Who's that? Oh, that's Sergio. He's the surprise! Uh –– what, you don't want any? Oh. Sergio! I tried to warn you, keep your head down until after, AFTER they drink you! THEN you go nuts! (shoves him away) Alright mister, get outta here ... uh, what? What's that, Mr. C? Oh, Clueless? Yeah, he's in the back. I'll call him. CLUELESS!
	Clueless comes out to applause.
Clueless Morgan	Yeah, Polly, what is –– huh? (bows) Oh, thank you. Heh heh. Thank you. (does a take, inspects Mr. C) Oh, Mr. Callahan, now you've crossed a line. With those kinda stretch marks, you really gotta wear a one piece.
Polly Lobster	Uh, say Clueless, what's new with you and the missus?
Clueless Morgan	Oh, not much. Uh, but we're expecting a blessed event.
Polly Lobster	(gasp) You're kiddin'! You're gonna have a baby?
Clueless Morgan	Oh, no, they're moving a mouth-watering, lip-smacking junkyard in next door, and uh, if that's not a blessed event, I don't know what is.
Polly Lobster	(bursts out laughing)
Clueless Morgan	"I don't know what is."
Polly Lobster	You already did the punchline. Heh heh heh.
Clueless Morgan	Oh, really? (Polly gives him a look) –– Paul?
	The pianist plays, and Polly and Morgan sing "Home on the Range", when they're trampled by a buffalo. Polly gets up.
Polly Lobster	Ooh. That's gonna hurt in the morning.

Backstage / "Boulevard of Broken Dreams"

	Sal assists Johnny in packing up his Tony memorabilia.
Johnny	Aw, Salley, I can't believe I passed out in front of Tony Bennett.
Sal	(shrugs) Eh.
Johnny	"Eh?" Like that's not a big thing or somethin'? Tonight was the single most embarrassing moment of my life!
Sal	Yeah, what about that time that you ralphed all over the Japanese prime minister?
Johnny	That wasn't me. That was George Bush. Why do you always confuse us?
Sal	I'm sorry, Mr. Presid-- I mean, Johnny.
Johnny	Alright. Pack, huh? (Sal resumes) I can only hope that not too many people saw what happened tonight.
Sal	Well, if that's what you're hoping, Johnny, then you shouldn't look at today's Variety. See?
Johnny	Huh?
	Sal holds up the magazine, which has the headline "RATINGS RISE AS FIAMMA [sic] FALLS".
Johnnyelvis	No, Sal, I shouldn't look at that.
Sal	So, uh, what DO you want I should do then, Johnny?
Johnny	Nothing. All right? Nothing. I just want to be alone now, huh?
Sal	You want me to help you be alone?
Johnny	No, Sal! Just go, huh? Go.
Sal	... Sorry, Johnny. (walks away) I was, uh... just uh, trying to help.
	Sad piano music plays as Sal exits. He walks through a dark room, illuminated by the light shining through a Venetian blind. He remembers Johnny, who appears in balloons ...
Johnny	(in left balloon) No, Sal. Get out! Out! (in right balloon) Sal, would you get off of the dashboard, huh?
	The balloon disappears, then reappears again as Sal looks away.
Johnny	(in right balloon) Sal, stop-- I'm over here, you stupid monkey. (Sal looks) Sal, stop groomin' me.
Johnny	(in left balloon) What do you mean you voted for Dukakis?
	Sal continues walking, now outside, dressed in a trench coat, as the voice of Tony sings "Boulevard of Broken Dreams". He looks through the window at the control room, where Clifford and the other Muppets are whooping it up, as it starts to rain outside. Sal continues through an alley, where the cats and dogs are loud. He catches a piece of newspaper blown by the wind, then tries to walk against the wind, but gets knocked over. He walks down the hall, then opens a door to reveal Tony singing.
Tony	Sal, what is it?
Sal	Hey, Tony. Say, are you looking for something like a, like a new personal assistant or bodyguard or something?
Tony	But Sal, you're Johnny's monkey.
Sal	Yeah, not anymore. Johnny hates me now. I guess, to –– to him, I'm... I'm just a chump-anzee! (sobs on Tony)
Tony	Hey, Sal. Hey, Sal-- the suit. Monkey tears don't come out.
Sal	I'm sorry. The point is, Tony, I gotta find some way to get back into Johnny's good graces.
Tony	Well come on, Sal. Between the two of us, I'm sure we can think of something.
Sal	Yeah. (thinks with Tony) Hmm.
	Angle on a clock. The time elapses from 8:40 to 8:55.
Tony	I swear, I can't think of anything.
Sal	Me neither.
Tony	I feel like that robot Tony that you've got in the case.
Sal	Hey, wait a minute. That gives me an idea!
	A bell dings as they perk up.

Great Moments in Elvis History

	Open on a castle dining room. Two musicians make chit-chat until they hear the announcer, then quickly take their place and blow their horns.
A. Ligator	And now, Great Moments in Elvis History presents, "Elvis the King and his Knights of the Round Table".
Galahad	Hark. The King approaches.
Guest (AT)	The King approaches.
Both	The King. The King.
Elvis (BB)	Well, thank ya. Thank ya very much, Galahad.
Galahad	Your highness, much trouble is brewing in your kingdom.
Elvis (BB)	How dare you call your King dumb? (pause) That there was a joke, son. I suggest you laugh a lot?
Elvis (BH)	You called, your majesty?
Elvis (BB)	No, Lancelot. I said, "laugh a lot".
Elvis (BH)	Okay. (takes a seat) Heh heh. Yeah.
Galahad	Your highness, have you heard-- a dragon has captured lady Guinevere?
Elvis (BB)	No, but if ya hum a few bars, I'll be happy to rock along.
	A beat.
Elvis (BH)	Have no fear, my liege, I shall slay that beast.
Elvis (BB)	Now, don't be cruel there, fella.
Elvis (BH)	Ooh ...
Elvis (BB)	Guinevere may be a mite plain, but she ain't no beast.
	A third Elvis appears, this one a wizard.
Elvis (JN)	Mercy!
Elvises 1 & 2	Holy grail!
Elvis (BB)	It's Merlin, and he's got the Queen.
	They walk over to them.
Elvis (BH)	Ooh. How did you get her back?
Elvis (JN)	That there dragon was sick of naggin'. He sent back this here Guinevere.
Elvis (BB)	Returned to sender?
Elvis (BH)	Address unknown?
Elvis (JN)	You betcha.
Elvises 1 & 2	Ooh!
Guinevere (LCR)	I hate that dragon. All he ever ate was roast meat and barbecue.
Elvises	Mmm! Tasty!
Elvis (BB)	Oh, my Guinevere, I was so afraid I'd lost you forever, and you were the finest gal I had.
Galahad	Yes, your majesty?
Elvis (BB)	No, not you, Galahad. I was talking to my Queen. I'm so happy she's back. It makes me want to dance a lot.
Dancealot (SW)	(dances by) Yes, your majesty?
Elvis (BB)	No, not you, Dancealot. Aw heck. Let's just sing the song.
Elvis (BH)	Oh yeah!
	They whip out their guitars and sing to the tune of Jailhouse Rock".
Elvises	♪ A dragon has captured Lady Guinevere...
Elvis (BB)	♪ But don't you worry, Excalibur's here!
Elvis (JN)	♪ That dragon breathes fire...
Elvis (BH)	♪ He's mighty hot...
Elvis (BB)	♪ A-just ask good ol' Lancelot!
Elvises	♪ Let's rock!
Elvis (BH)	Oh yeah!
Elvises	♪ Oh, everybody, let's rock!
Elvis (JN)	Uh-huh. Yeah.
Elvises	♪ Everybody knows that dragon is hot, ♪ We're rockin' here in Camelot! Yeah!
	Applause. They bow.
Elvises	Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
A. Ligator	Join us next time when Great Moments in Elvis History presents... Tarzan of Graceland.
	Fade to a jungle setting. Tarzan/Elvis emerges with a donut.
Elvis (BB)	Ooh-yeah. Me Elvis. You fried jelly donut. (takes a bite) Mmm. Tasty!

The following transcript was generated by artificial means — YouTube, Adobe Premiere, or ripped from captions — and needs to be checked by a human editor and formatted properly.

---

Backstage / Closing number

Ah. Well, that'll be the last of it. Oh. Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony. I could always sing with you. What have I done, Tony? With the real Tony. I'm the mamaluke of the year. Oh, well, pal, How about one for old time's sake? [music plays] ♪ shakin' the blues away ♪ ♪ unhappy news away ♪ ♪ if you are blue ♪ ♪ it's easy to shake ♪ ♪ all your cares and troubles ♪ ♪ tellin' the blues to go ♪ ♪ they may refuse to go ♪ ♪ but, as a rule, they'll go if you'll ♪ ♪ shake 'em away ♪ ♪ do like the voodoos do ♪ ♪ listenin' to a voodoo melody ♪ ♪ they shake their bodies so ♪ ♪ to and fro ♪ ♪ with every shake ♪ ♪ a lucky break ♪ ♪ provin' there's a way ♪ ♪ to chase your cares away ♪ ♪ if you would lose your weary blues ♪ ♪ shake 'em away ♪ It's really you. Right. I knew we could sing together. You mean I'm singing with the real Tony? Let's take it home. ♪ doo-do da-doo ♪ ♪ da-da da-da-da-da ♪ ♪ do like the voodoos do ♪ ♪ listenin' to a voodoo melody ♪ ♪ they shake their bodies so ♪ ♪ to and fro ♪ ♪ with every shake ♪ ♪ a lucky break ♪ ♪ provin' that there's a way ♪ ♪ to chase the cares away ♪ ♪ if you would lose your weary blues ♪ ♪ shake 'em away ♪ Yeah. Shake 'em. I'm goin', tone. Shake 'em. Watch me, babe. Shake 'em. That's it. ♪ don't break 'em ♪ ♪ shakin' all your blues away ♪ ♪ ba ba ba ba baa ♪ Ah, yeah. Yeah. Thank you so much. Don't thank me, Johnny. Sal put this together. Sal? Sal, come up here, you little goofball. Come here. Come here. Come here. Give me a hug. Huh? Come here. Come on. Who's my little stinky monkey? I am. Yeah. That's right. Thank you, Sal. It was very, very sweet of you. Aw, it was nothing, Johnny. It's just that when you couldn't sing with Tony, You looked so pathetic and so pitiful, And I just thought-- O.K., o.K. Thank you, Sal. It's so good to see you guys back together. It's because of you, Tony. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Tony Bennett. Yeah. Yeah. Isn't he wonderful? Yeah. You all clap. Thank you. Thank you, Tony. Thank goodness This show's almost over. So what happened to that blue freak on the missile? Aah! Whoa. Is he all right? I'll check his pulse. If he's got one, I'll split it with you. Ho ho ho! Ho ho ho! Oh. Did I clear the chickens? Ahhh... Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Heh heh heh! Heh heh heh!

Epilogue

What are guys doing? I'm the real Tony Bennett. You put the wrong guy in here. Get me out of here. Anybody. Boy. Sure is realistic. Let me out of here. Let me out.

♪ lurin' every lad about ♪

♪ while leavin' me moanin' low... ♪

I can fix it.

Aah!

Spamela's smoking.

Is she ever!

Somebody get a fire extinguisher!

♪ try to set the night on firefly ♪

♪ shine a little light on ♪

♪ shine a little light on ♪

♪ shine a little light on me ♪

♪ in the mornin' ♪

What's that famous song Tony Bennett sings?

I left my heart in san francisco.

Big deal! I left my teeth in Minneapolis.

Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha!

And now for tonight's exciting episode

Of nypd green...

Did you see where he went?

I think lost him.

We let that filthy dirtbag get away.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Who are you?

The network censor.

You can't call someone a filthy dirtbag on a family show.

Oh, no.

You misunderstood.

We were talking about

An actual filthy bag of dirt here that was stolen.

Oh...Sorry.

Please continue.

O.K. Uh, where were we?

I think it's your line.

Yes. Yes.

I swear, detective amphibowitz,

I will not rest until we catch

That slimy skuzzball.

Stop! You cannot say slimy skuzzball.

Oh, no. You misunderstood again.

You see, the guy that stole the filthy dirtbag

Is actually a slimy skuzzball.

Uh, skuzz, could you come here, please?

Ugh!

That's right, lady.

I'm a skuzzball.

I live under the couch.

The cat coughed me up.

Got a problem with that?

No, that's fine. I'm sorry.

Carry on.

[man] ah ha ha.

Oh, my little baby. Mmm. Mmm.

I suppose this is a bloodsucking bass-kisser.

No, that's don, the prop guy.

Lady, you got a filthy mind.

Let's just flip off the camera.

What?

Yeah. Give it up.

Heh heh heh.

Now Muppets Tonight nervously presents

Gonzo the great

And his misguided missiles of death!

[band plays fanfare]

Whoa!

Whoo!

Good evening, danger lovers.

Tonight, I, the great Gonzo,

Will attach myself to this intercontinental ballistic missile

And ski-jump over eight, live,

Free-range chickens!

[clucking]

Why do you need a rocket to jump over chickens?

I give up, Clifford. Why do you need a rocket?

It's not a joke.

You're telling me!

You should see my insurance premiums!

[clucking]

Chickens...

A little wagner, please.

[clucking]

O.K., let her rip!

Ha ha!

Aah!

Aah!

Ah ha ha!

You won't see that on friends.

Aah!

[echoing]

Have a good day, sir.

Everything's going smoothly, team.

Gonzo cleared those chickens

With about 18,000 miles to spare.

Ha ha.

And that leaves us with...

Nothing.

Nothing?

There's nothing on stage! Quick!

Cue the Johnny Fiama show!

Out of the way!

Oh, man, did you see that?

Yeah.

Did you see Gonzo take off?

Where'd he land?

Technically, chief, he hasn't.

Say what?

Uh-uh.

Where's he at, then?

We're tracking Gonzo right now.

According to our calculations,

He's just passed over perth

And is now somewhere near

Rapid city, south dakota.

Residents!

That was cool.

That guy can fly fast and stuff.

You said "Fly." hee hee. Hee hee.

Shut up, rockhead.

Hee hee. Ha ha.

Huh huh. Hee hee.

Now he's over turkey. Now he's over Greece.

Now he's overeaten. Ha ha!

I made a funny.

[ding]

What does that bell mean?

I think that means Gonzo has reached

The apogee his trajectory.

Nope. That means...

My popcorn is done!

U ha ha ha!

Keep an eye on Gonzo.

I'll check out the Johnny Fiama talk show.

Hope he's not doing a letterman ripoff.

He'd never do that.

Number 2...

Ha ha ha ha ha!

And the number 1 reason chicks dig me...

Ha ha ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha ha?ha!

Thanks, Sal. We're moving on, huh?

Now it's time to bring out first guest.

I am so excited.

Let me explain.

Tony Bennett I all-time favorite idol.

I am so nervous. We've never met.

He loves a marinara with linguini, like I do.

So, let's bring him out. I'm nervous.

Ladies and gentlemen,

Mr. Tony Bennett!

[band plays refrain I left my heart in san francisco]

Great to finally meet you, Johnny.

Uh...

[stammering]

Is he o.K., Sal?

Yeah. Just scared t of his gourd to meet you.

Want a cannoli?

Uh, no. No, thanks.

Suit yourself.

Maybe you and I should just sing--

Uh, song?

Yeah, come on.

Now?

Yeah, now.

We'll have fun.

[band plays intro]

♪ I say potato and you say ♪

♪ paa... ♪

♪ I say tomato and you say ♪

♪ toa... ♪

♪ tomato ♪

♪ toa... ♪

♪ tomahto ♪

♪ toa... ♪

♪ let's call the whole thing off ♪

[thud]

I guess we'll call the whole thing off.

Hey, Sal, save me a cannoli.

Yeah, sure.

Oops.

I--I finished them all.

Welcome back to Muppets Tonight.

Let's give a big welcome

To an act that I know you'll like--

The musical stylings of carl, the big mean bunny.

[applause]

Wait a minute. You're not a bunny.

No. But I'm big and mean.

What's on your tie?

Oh!

Ha ha! Thank you.

[plays out of tune]

Any news from Gonzo yet?

Not yet. According to our calculations,

He's somewhere in new york city.

[gasp] [gasp] [gasp]

New york city? New york city?

[grunt]

I can't believe I passed out

In front of Tony Bennett.

Eh.

Eh?

Like that's not a big thing?

Tonight was the most embarrassing moment of my life.

What about that time

You ralphed all over the japanese prime minister?

That was george bush.

Why do you always confuse us?

I'm sorry, mr. Presid-- I mean, Johnny.

Pack, huh?

I can only hope not many people

Saw what happened tonight.

If that's what you're hoping,

You shouldn't look at today's variety.

No, I shouldn't look at that.

So, uh, what do you want I should do?

Nothing. All right?

Nothing. I just want to be alone now.

You want me to help you be alone?

No, Sal!

Just go.

Go.

Sorry, Johnny.

I was, uh...

Just trying to help.

No, Sal.

Get out.

Out.

Sal,

Would you get off the dashboard, huh?

Sal, stop--

I'm over here, you stupid monkey.

Sal, stop grooming me.

What do you mean

You voted for dukakis?

♪ you'll laugh tonight and cry tomorrow ♪

♪ when you behold your shattered schemes ♪

♪ gigolo and gigolette ♪

♪ wake up to find their eyes are wet ♪

♪ with tears that tell of broken dreams ♪

[thunder]

♪ I walk along the street of sorrow ♪

♪ the boulevard of broken dreams ♪

[meowing]

♪ and gigolo and gigolette ♪

♪ can take a kiss without regret ♪

♪ so they forget their broken dreams ♪

♪ you'll laugh tonight and cry tomorrow ♪

♪ when you behold your shattered schemes ♪

♪ gigolo and gigolette ♪

♪ wake up to find their eyes are wet ♪

♪ with tears that tell of broken dreams ♪

♪ here is where you'll always find me-- ♪

Sal, what is it?

Hey, Tony.

Say, are you looking for something

Like a new personal assistant

Or bodyguard or something?

But your Johnny's monkey.

Not anymore.

Johnny hates me now.

I guess, to him, I'm...

I'm just a chump-anzee.

[sobbing]

Hey, Sal.

Hey, Sal--the suit.

Monkey tears don't come out.

I'm sorry.

The point is, Tony,

I got to find some way

To get back into Johnny's good graces.

Between the two of us,

I'm sure we can think of something.

Yeah.

Hmm.

I can't think of anything.

Me neither.

I feel like that robot Tony you've got in the case.

Hey, wait a minute.

That gives me an idea.

[ding]

And now great moments in elvis history presents...

"Elvis the king

and his knights of the round table."

Hark.

The king approaches.

The king approaches.

The king. The king.

Thank ya very much, galahad.

Your highness,

Trouble is brewing in your kingdom.

How dare you call your king dumb?

That there was a joke.

I suggest you laugh a lot.

You called, your majesty?

No, Lancelot.

I said, laugh a lot.

O.K.

Heh heh. Yeah.

Your highness,

Have you heard--

A dragon captured lady Guinevere?

No, but hum a few bars, and I'll rock along.

Have no fear, my liege,

I shall slay that beast.

Now, don't be cruel.

Guinevere may be a mite plain,

But she ain't no beast.

Mercy!

Holy grail! Holy grail!

It's merlin, and he's got the queen.

Ooh. How did you get her back?

That there dragon was sick of naggin'.

He sent back this here Guinevere.

Return to sender?

Address unknown?

You betcha.

Whoo. Whoo.

I hate that dragon.

All he ever ate was roast meat and barbecue.

Mmm! Mmm! Mmm!

Tasty! Tasty. Tasty.

Guinevere, I was afraid I'd lost you forever,

And you were the finest gal I had.

Yes, your majesty?

No, not you, galahad.

I was talking to my queen.

I'm so happy. It makes me want to dance a lot.

♪ yes, your majesty? ♪

No, not you, dancealot.

Heck. Let's just sing the song.

[to the tune of jailhouse rock]

♪ a dragon has captured lady Guinevere ♪

♪ but don't you worry ♪

♪ excalibur's here ♪

♪ that dragon breathes fire ♪

♪ he's mighty hot ♪

♪ a-just ask good ol' Lancelot ♪

♪ a-let's rock ♪

♪ oh, everybody, let's rock ♪

Uh-huh. Yeah.

♪ everybody knows that dragon is hot ♪

♪ a-we're rockin' here in Camelot ♪

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Join us next time

When great moments in elvis history presents...

Tarzan of graceland.

Ooh-yeah.

Me elvis.

You fried jelly donut.

Mmm.

Tasty.

Ah. Well, that'll be the last of it.

Oh.

Tony, Tony, Tony,

Tony, Tony, Tony.

I could always sing with you.

What have I done, Tony?

With the real Tony.

I'm the mamaluke of the year.

Oh, well, pal,

How about one for old time's sake?

[music plays]

♪ shakin' the blues away ♪

♪ unhappy news away ♪

♪ if you are blue ♪

♪ it's easy to shake ♪

♪ all your cares and troubles ♪

♪ tellin' the blues to go ♪

♪ they may refuse to go ♪

♪ but, as a rule, they'll go if you'll ♪

♪ shake 'em away ♪

♪ do like the voodoos do ♪

♪ listenin' to a voodoo melody ♪

♪ they shake their bodies so ♪

♪ to and fro ♪

♪ with every shake ♪

♪ a lucky break ♪

♪ provin' there's a way ♪

♪ to chase your cares away ♪

♪ if you would lose your weary blues ♪

♪ shake 'em away ♪

It's really you.

Right. I knew we could sing together.

You mean I'm singing with the real Tony?

Let's take it home.

♪ doo-do da-doo ♪

♪ da-da da-da-da-da ♪

♪ do like the voodoos do ♪

♪ listenin' to a voodoo melody ♪

♪ they shake their bodies so ♪

♪ to and fro ♪

♪ with every shake ♪

♪ a lucky break ♪

♪ provin' that there's a way ♪

♪ to chase the cares away ♪

♪ if you would lose your weary blues ♪

♪ shake 'em away ♪

Yeah.

Shake 'em.

I'm goin', tone.

Shake 'em.

Watch me, babe.

Shake 'em.

That's it.

♪ don't break 'em ♪

♪ shakin' all your blues away ♪

♪ ba ba ba ba baa ♪

Ah, yeah.

Yeah.

Thank you so much.

Don't thank me, Johnny.

Sal put this together.

Sal?

Sal, come up here, you little goofball.

Come here.

Come here.

Come here. Give me a hug.

Huh? Come here. Come on.

Who's my little stinky monkey?

I am.

Yeah. That's right.

Thank you, Sal.

It was very, very sweet of you.

Aw, it was nothing, Johnny.

It's just that when you couldn't sing with Tony,

You looked so pathetic and so pitiful,

And I just thought--

O.K., o.K. Thank you, Sal.

It's so good to see you guys back together.

It's because of you, Tony.

Ladies and gentlemen,

Mr. Tony Bennett.

Yeah. Yeah.

Isn't he wonderful?

Yeah. You all clap.

Thank you.

Thank you, Tony.

Thank goodness

This show's almost over.

So what happened to that blue freak on the missile?

Aah!

Whoa.

Is he all right?

I'll check his pulse.

If he's got one, I'll split it with you.

Ho ho ho! Ho ho ho!

Oh. Did I clear the chickens?

Ahhh...

Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha!

Heh heh heh! Heh heh heh!

What are guys doing?

I'm the real Tony Bennett.

You put the wrong guy in here.

Get me out of here.

Anybody.

Boy. Sure is realistic.

Let me out of here.

Let me out.