It's The Muppet Show, with our special guest star, Mr. Paul Williams!
The banner rises, and the theme begins.
Chorus girls
It's time to play the music It's time to light the lights It's time to meet the Muppets On The Muppet Show tonight!
Male chorus
It's time to put on makeup It's time to dress up right It's time to raise the curtain On The Muppet Show tonight!
The curtain opens on Fozzie.
Fozzie
New York is so crowded, even the cemeteries have standing room only.
He takes off his hat and wiggles his ears. The audience laughs. The curtain closes.
Kermit
To introduce our guest star, That's what I'm here to do! So it really makes me happy To introduce to you —
Mr. Paul Williams!
Paul grins and nods as Muppets surround him.
Kermit
But now let's get things started
Kermit & gang
On the most sensational, inspirational Celebrational, Muppetational This is what we call The Muppet Show!
When Gonzo strikes the O, the effect reverberates through him.
Opening number[]
Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit
Thank you, thank you, thank you. Hi-ho, good friends. Hey, we got a great show for you tonight. Our special guest is Mr. Paul Williams, singer, composer, actor and all-around good guy, and we're not gonna do any jokes about his size. But, he's such a cute little fella, we're gonna make him an honorary Muppet. (nods) But right now, let's get things started with a musical number done up in a brand-new way, "All of Me".
The curtain opens on a sad Whatnot monster singing to Miss Kitty, taking himself apart and putting each part in a box.
Whatnot monster
All of me. Why not take all of me? Can't you see? I'm no good without you. Take my lips. I want to lose them. Take my arms. I'll never use them.
Whatnot monster
Your goodbye … Left me with eyes that cry — here, take them, too. How can I … Go on, dear, without you? You took the part That once was my heart, So why not take all of me?
He continues to dismantle himself.
Whatnot monster
Hey! You want my hair? Well, hair it is! … Hey, you need a nose? Guaranteed not to run. … Friends, Romans and countrymen … (lends his ears) … here. … You want to put my chest in your chest? … Here — here, let me give you a hand!
Big finish.
Whatnot monster
You took the part That once was my heart, So, why not take, why not take, Why not take all of me?
He throws his hand into the chest — that's all of him. Miss Kitty closes the chest and laughs.
Backstage[]
Miss Kitty walks past Fozzie with the chest and cackles. Fozzie reads from a paper.
Fozzie
Uh … "Hark! I hear the cannons roar!" No, "Hark, the cannons r—" Ugh!
Enter Scooter.
Scooter
Hi, Fozz, What's wrong? You look worried.
Fozzie
Uh, well see, it's my new act. I hope it works.
Scooter
Oh, come on, you're the greatest!
Fozzie
Yeah?
Scooter
Yeah, you're always good. Besides, you're on soon. Now is no time to panic.
Fozzie
Oh, well, see, I got ten minutes of jokes here on the war of 1812.
Scooter
Now is the time to panic.
Fozzie
(groans)
Scooter
Listen, if you're really in trouble, why don't you just use the old telephone pole bit?
Fozzie
"The old telephone pole bit?"
Scooter
Oh, yeah, it's the best.
Fozzie
Well, I don't know it. How does it — ?
Scooter
It's a classic!
Fozzie
It's a classic?
Scooter
Yeah!
Fozzie
Oh! Oh! Terrific. I can use it. Tell me, what is it, what is it, what is it?
Scooter
Okay, okay. The curtains open …
Fozzie
The curtains open!
Scooter
The audience is there …
Fozzie
The audience is there!
Scooter
There we are together, on stage! You and I …
Fozzie
There we are together — Hold it! Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho … "We?"
Scooter
Well, yeah.
Fozzie
No, you don't understand. You see, I am a stand-up bear.
Scooter
Uh-huh.
Fozzie
Yeah, yeah. See, I— I work alone. I tell the jokes on stage alone.
Scooter
Ha-ha, no, you don't tell jokes in the telephone pole bit.
OK, right now, friends, it is my great pleasure to introduce one of the most talented people in our business - and it's a real treat to have him with us on The Muppet Show - Mr. Paul Williams.
Welcome to Muppet Labs, where the future is being made today. Folks, let me take just one moment of your time to acquaint you with a fascinating new product. It's Muppets All-Purpose Tenderizer. (displays a tin shaker) Now, you can use it on all sorts of dishes. For example, dishes like this one here.
He breaks a dish against the counter.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew
Whoo, that's one of the problems with dishes, isn't it? They do tend to break. But if you had used All-Purpose Tenderizer in such fashion as this … (sprinkles powder on another dish) … your dish would have been as tender as this …
He folds up the dish like a piece of paper and presses it against his cheek.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew
Oh, it sets me all aquiver! (kisses it and puts it down) Well, it's lovely. And what it does for dishes it can do for utensils too. Watch.
He sprinkles powder on a metallic soup ladle.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew
Only takes a second …
He holds up the ladle and watches it droop.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew
So there it is. Muppets All-Purpose Tenderizer. It's new from Muppet Labs.
He feels the top of the table, noticing how rubbery it is.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew
Oh, goodness. Okay, who's the smarty-pants who tenderized the table? I mean it! (pokes at it some more)
Waldorf
Science, huh? They can put a man on the moon.
Statler
Huh. Yeah, but they can't put a moon on a man! (laughs)
A Poem by Rowlf[]
Rowlf stands in a patio area.
Rowlf
"Silence." A poem by Rowlf. That's me.
Silence. Hear the nothingness. Listen to the quietness of everlasting space. Down the winding velvet corridors of time it sweeps … And sweeps … and sw —
He pauses, as George the janitor sweeps the floor behind him.
Rowlf
And sweeps away the sound of creatures crying in the night.
Behind him, a bird walks by and squawks loudly.
Rowlf
(catching up) "creatures crying in the night—"
And cry we must, for we have tasted the forbidden fruit.
The bird continues squawking. Miss Piggy walks by, munching on an apple.
Rowlf
But lo, lo, the faceless names … the —
George walks in front of him, sweeping.
Rowlf
…faceless names, nameless faces, whisper of our woes … that …
Zoot and Janice pass by, whispering to each other.
Rowlf
But over all, over all, the blessed silence falls. Sweet serpentines of silence singing their sad song.
Behind him, Wanda enters, ululating scales.
Rowlf
Out of the silence and dark, we build the music, silent music.
Scooter shows up with a transistor radio, dancing to the music. Rowlf becomes more exasperated.
Rowlf
And the endless emptiness of emptiness drumming in our ears.
Animal shows up, playing the drums. Rowlf finally loses his cool.
Rowlf
Will you all get out of here?!
They all exit as Rowlf collects himself.
Rowlf
But in … in the end … all is silence. Quiet … silent ways. All still.
Enter Kermit.
Kermit
Uh, could you hold it down, Rowlf? We're trying to do a show here.
Rowlf breaks down and sobs into a handkerchief. Kermit scowls and walks off.
Blackout[]
Paul stands on the proscenium and addresses the audience.
Paul
You know, when they asked me to do the show, I was delighted. This is a great show to do. I have a special reason for being very excited. You see … except for me, the entire cast is Muppets. Muppets are little, tiny things, and for the first time in my life, no one will make jokes about how short I am. For the first time in my life, I am the tallest person on the show.
He is surrounded by three tall characters.
Paul
For the first time in my life, I will cry in front of 30 million people.
They hug him.
Backstage[]
Fozzie stands still.
Fozzie
(monotonously) I am a telephone pole. (hums)
Enter Hilda.
Hilda
Fozzie, what are you doing?
Fozzie
It's my new act with Scooter. I'm practicing to be a telephone pole. (hums)
Hilda
That's ridiculous. You don't look like a telephone pole. No one would believe you were a telephone pole.
A telephone man walks by, wrapping some wire around Fozzie's nose.
Telephone man
(singing) I am a lineman for the county …
Hilda
… on the other hand, what do I know about telephone poles?
She walks off. Fozzie continues to stand still.
At the Dance[]
Couples dance in a ballroom. George dances with Mildred.
George the janitor
Huh. I'll be darned. You say that's your boy? Huh. How could you have a son that age?
Mildred
I didn't. When I had him, he was just a baby.
Miss Piggy dances with another pig.
Pig
Oh, how do I love thee? Let me count the ways. You are more beautiful than the summer days.
Miss Piggy (RH)
You know, there's a lot of ham in you. (laughs)
Janice
That man is annoying me.
Zoot
He isn't even looking at you.
Janice
That's what's annoying me.
Loud lady
(loudly) I can't understand it! I just can't seem to hold on to a job! My last one only lasted for ten minutes!
Green man
Yeah? What were you doing?
Loud lady
(loudly) I was a librarian!
Animal dances with a woman.
Animal
Hey, you wanna take a trip?
Woman
Sure, I'd love to.
Animal
Okay! Hang on!
They get a running start, and fall over. Animal grins, picks her up and continues dancing.
UK Spot[]
Mary Louise leads the frogs in a performance of "I'm in Love with a Big Blue Frog". After the number, Statler and Waldorf imitate the frogs.
Talk Spot[]
Kermit and Paul sit together at the regular "Talk Spot" wall.
Kermit
Well, Paul, listen. Listen, Paul. I just want to say what a real thrill it is to have you on the show!
Paul
Yes, that's very kind of you, Kermit. Thank you.
Kermit
Yeah, and you know what? You're not gonna hear any jokes your being little-bitty and small and cute and all that sort of thing like you are. You're not gonna hear that comin' from me.
Paul
You promise?
Kermit
No.
Paul
Us little guys gotta stick together.
Kermit
Oh, yeah, listen. And besides that, there have been a lotta famous people who were small in size.
Well, one day, somebody pressed his down button and he was never seen again.
Paul
Down button...oh, I get it. You mean he...
Paul points downward. Kermit squishes his body down, imitating a mechanical noise.
Kermit
Just like that.
Paul
That's terrible. That's terrible.
Kermit
(resuming his normal position) Yeah, if you think that was terrible, what about the twelve people who were riding with him?
Paul
(laughs) The most ludicrous story...I mean, even told by a frog, that's-that's...that's ridiculous.
Kermit
Really? Hey, do you wear lifts?
Paul
(shrugs) Sometimes, yeah.
Kermit
Oh yeah? Going up!
Kermit pushes Paul's nose and Paul ascends above.
Kermit
Now Paul is someone everyone can look up to. (laughs)
Backstage[]
Fozzie continues practicing standing still.
Fozzie
I am a telephone pole. I am made of solid wood. I am a telephone pole. I am made of solid wood.
A woodpecker starts pecking his face.
Fozzie
I am too talented for my own good. Will you please?
Fozzie shoos the bird away with his hat.
Travel Agent[]
Paul is seen working at a travel agency, talking on the phone with a client.
Paul
Yes, ma'am, you are confirmed: two tickets to New York City. Thank you.
Beautiful Day Monster enters, scatting.
Beautiful Day Monster
Hello.
Paul
Hello!
Beautiful Day Monster
I want to go to Pittsburg!
Paul
I can send you to Pittsburg first class on a supersonic jet for $764.
Beautiful Day Monster
Uh, you got anything cheaper?
Paul
Well, I can send you to Pittsburgh coach class on a subsonic jet for 511.
Beautiful Day Monster
Uh, you got anything cheaper?
Paul
I can send you to Pittsburgh excursion economy in an old prop job for about 398.
Beautiful Day Monster
Uh, you got anything cheaper?
Paul
Yeah. I could send you to Pittsburgh standing-room only on a broken-down old bus for about 75 bucks.
Beautiful Day Monster
Uh, you got anything cheaper?!
Paul
(chuckles) Yeah, I think I can work somethin' out for ya', pal!
Paul pulls a lever attached to his desk. A 5,000 pound weight falls onto Beautiful Day Monster. It slowly rises back up, where the monster has been completely flattened underneath. Paul picks him up.
Paul
Hey, Charlie. You wanna mail this to Pittsburg?
Paul tosses the monster away like a frisbee.
Talking Houses[]
Zoom in on the two left houses.
House 1
My mother is very religious.
House 2
She's a fanatic?
House 1
No, she's a church.
Zoom out. Musical button.
Wayne and Wanda[]
Main stage. Sam stands on the proscenium.
Sam the Eagle
And here they are now, my kind of people. Wayne and Wanda!
The curtain opens. Wanda lays in a box, as Wayne saws her in half. Music swells up.
Wanda
Youuuuuu doooooo Something to me — Oww! Ow!
Muppet Newsflash[]
The Newsman rushes in.
Newsman
Here is a Muppet News Flash! Arnold Stockman, a retired shoe salesman, recently had a most unusual experience and we here at Muppet News Central feel it is a story that should be shared with everyone! Here in his own words is Mr. Stockman to tell you of this most bizarre event!
Mr. Stockman (Paul) appears on screen.
Paul
Well, it was about a week ago...
Newsman
Mm-hmm.
Paul
And...I was sitting at home watchin' television. Must have been about nine o'clock.
Newsman
Mm-hmm.
Paul
Suddenly, the phone rang. Well, I picked it up...
Newsman
Hm.
Paul
...but, there wasn't anybody there. So, I hung up and then I went back to watchin' the television. (beat) Darndest thing.
Newsman
Whatever unusual events occur, you'll hear it first on Muppet News! (frowns)
Backstage[]
Scooter reads some notes in Kermit's office space.
Scooter
Boy, my uncle'll be really interested in this.
Kermit
(rushing in) Uh, that-that's private business here, Scooter, uh.
Scooter
Uh, sorry.
Kermit
Oh, an-and by the way, you guys are really gonna do the ol' telephone pole bit?
Scooter
That's right, chief! (salutes)
Kermit
Lots o' luck.
Kermit exits. Fozzie appears at the door.
Fozzie
Scooter?
Scooter
Hmm?
Fozzie
I won't do it.
Scooter
What?!
Fozzie
I just found out what the telephone pole bit is and I will not do it! (slams door)
Scooter
Oh, come on. Fozzie, come on! (knocking) We're on now! Besides, we'll be terrific!
Fozzie opens the door and the two start walking toward the stage.
Fozzie
Scooter, we will not be terrific. We will die out there. Dieee!
Scooter
Of course we're not gonna "dieee." What makes you think we're gonna die?
Fozzie spots a pair of vulture-like Frackles sitting on the second floor railing.
Fozzie
Just a hunch. (moans and exits)
Frackles
(squawking)
The Telephone Pole Sketch[]
Kermit enters onstage.
Kermit
Well, folks. We got a little something different for you tonight in the ol' comedy spot. Our own Fozzie Bear is being joined by our gofer Scooter. And here they are doing that classic sketch, the telephone pole bit!
Kermit walks out as the curtain opens with a fanfare. Fozzie is wearing a pay phone costume, with Scooter standing beside him wearing his hat.