Cold open / Jim's Introduction[]
| Muppet Central, day. The band members of Solid Foam gather. Beard hands Kermit a videotape. | |
| Beard | Here it is, Solid Foam's new rock video. |
| Kermit | Oh, that's great. I- I'll run it as an opening number. But uh, by the way, where's Flash? |
| Clifford | He sometimes has trouble with punctuality. |
| Kermit | Hmm. (nods) |
| Flash enters, out of breath. | |
| Kermit | Oh, Flash! Where were you? |
| Flash | Oh, man-- (garbled) rough day, man, had to sneak around the back. (pants) |
| Kermit | What did he say? |
| Clifford | He said he was forced to sneak around back door to avoid them. |
| Kermit | To avoid who? |
| Clifford | The groupies, man. |
| The groupies trample over Kermit and excitedly flock around Flash. | |
| Flash | Uh... Hey ... hey, man-- (garbled) you better run credits, man! |
| Kermit | Uh, I don't know what he said, but you'd better cut to the opening titles. |
| Clifford | That's what he said. |
| Kermit | Ah, hmm. |
| The opening titles roll. Jim enters home base and pets the lion. | |
| Jim | Hi there, and welcome to our show. It's going to be a particularly special show because the lion is featured in tonight's story. Isn't that true, lion? It's a tale told by the Storyteller, and it's called "The True Bride." |
| A clip is shown as a teaser, in which the lion talks to Anja. | |
| Jim | Wait a second-- did I just see you talk in that? You talked in that story. Are you ever going to talk on our show? |
| Lion | I doubt it. |
| Jim | Well, anyway, in the first part of our show, I'm sure Kermit has a fast and funny half hour planned. Isn't that true, Kermit? |
| Back at Muppet Central, Kermit is still surrounded by the loud groupies. | |
| Kermit | I'm sorry, I can't hear you, Jim. Uh, could you guys - would you all just be... can you be quiet for just a second, let me... uh, Flash! Can you do something about this?? |
| The groupies scream when they see Flash, who shushes them. Preview clips are shown on the above monitor as Kermit describes them. | |
| Kermit | Thank you. Uh, yes, on tonight's show, we have a ghost story from Fozzie Bear, and special musical guest star Buster Poindexter. |
| Flash | Yeah. |
| Kermit | And all this is coming up in a flash. |
| The groupies go wild again, ripping Flash's clothes off. | |
| Kermit | I'm sorry-- in an instant! It's coming up in a jiffy! |
| Blackout. |
MuppeTelevision Act 1[]
Opening number[]
| Flash looks around, confused. | |
| Kermit | Oh, hi there, Flash, what happened to your groupies? |
| Flash | Well - |
| Bean leads two groupies past them. | |
| Bean Bunny | And over here is where I keep my gumdrop collection. |
| Groupie (FB) | Oh, gumdrops! That is so cute! |
| Groupie (RM) | He's even cuter than... What's his name? (they exit) |
| Kermit | Ha ha. Uh, Digit! Digit, you got the music video cued up? |
| Digit | Yes, Kermit. |
| Kermit | Oh, good! Hey, gather around, everybody, it's time to rock and roll the tape! |
| The band, the groupies and Bean all gather around Kermit. | |
| Clifford | Man, that is one hip frog. |
| Beard | One hip? How does he walk? |
| They all laugh. | |
| Kermit | Okay, ladies and gentlemen, it's time for the Muppet band's new music video, here they are-- Solid Foam! |
| They cheer and watch the video play on a monitor. In the video, the band sings “The Music Keeps On Rolling Along” as the cameras look up at them. Dr. Teeth sits in the recording booth, grooving. When the video finishes, they all cheer. Bean follows the groupies away. | |
| Kermit | Oh! |
| Flash | Yeah, heh heh ... |
| Clifford | Yeah, we bad. |
| Kermit | He, you guys, that was really fantastic. You guys can really play. |
| Beard | Actually, it's almost all synthesizer. |
| Kermit | Oh. Well, the synthesizers were really well played. |
| Digit | Oh, that's all done on the computer. |
| Kermit | Uh, even the drums? |
| Rhonda | Drum machine. |
| Digit and Rhonda shrug and leave. | |
| Kermit | Th-th-the singing? |
| Clifford | Digital harmonizer. |
| Kermit | Well - well, how do you guys know you're actually musicians? |
| Beard | Hey-- who else would dress like this? |
| They all laugh. | |
| Kermit | You got a point there. (leaves) |
| Flash | (garbled) |
| Clifford | Yeah, he said the frog is not as hip as we thought. |
| The three laugh.
|
Guest Star Channel[]
| Kermit encounters Gonzo. | |
| Kermit | Oh, Gonzo-- good to see you. Hey, I need you to organize the closing number. |
| Gonzo | Sorry, but I won't be here. |
| Kermit | You what? |
| Gonzo | I won't be here for the closing number. I'm judging a poultry show on the other side of town. |
| Kermit | Gonzo, how could you do this to me? |
| Gonzo | (pats Kermit) I know, it's a difficult choice. |
| Kermit | That's not a difficult choice! |
| Gonzo | You're right-- poultry comes first. |
| Gonzo leaves. Kermit notices Digit grooving on another monitor. | |
| Kermit | It's Digit! What's he doing? |
| Kermit approaches Digit as he grooves. | |
| Kermit | Uh, Digit? ... (aside) Digit's the only person in the world that I know with real headphones. He actually has little speakers inside of his head. Hey, Digit-- turn it down. TURN DOWN THE VOLUME, DIGIT! |
| Digit | Oh! Hi, Kermit! Hi! Sorry, I just can't get that song out of my head! |
| Kermit | Uh, well, let me turn down your volume here. (adjusts a knob on Digit) |
| Digit | Ah... Whoa, thank you. |
| Kermit | Hey, look-- |
| They notice Buster on the top right monitor. | |
| Digit | Oh, it's Buster Poindexter on the Guest Star Channel. |
| Kermit | Oh. Yeah, he's doing our closing production number tonight. It's a remote from a nightclub across town. (notices) Wait a minute! - How did our band get down there with Buster? They were here just a minute ago! |
| Digit | (scratches his head) Gee. Who knows? Maybe it's a satellite feed. Or maybe they recorded this earlier. Uh - m-maybe it's a special effect. You know television - it manipulates the heck out of you. |
| Kermit | Hey Digit, take the Guest Star Channel. |
| Digit | Certainly, boss. |
| He presses a button on the remote, and we switch to the Guest Star Channel. | |
| Beard | Yeah, you know, Buster, like uh, we're uh, you know, really impressed with the way you combine incredible style with incredible success! |
| Buster | Well, gee, thanks a lot, Beard, that's very nice. Thank you. |
| Clifford | Being a fellow cool person, uh, could there be something you could uh, help us with, uh, show business-wise? |
| Buster | Well - there is something I could do for you. |
| Clifford | Oh, really? |
| Beard | How's that? |
| They gather around him, and he becomes their motivational speaker. | |
| Buster | I can share the truth with you, right? You want your musical cries for love and global understanding heard by a sympathetic universe? |
| Band members | Yeah! Yes, that's right! |
| Buster | You want success, fame and fortune? |
| Band members | Yeah, yeah. That's right! |
| Buster | Then, my friends, you must work, you must go forward! GO, MY CHILDREN! GO! AND MAKE YOUR VOICES HEARD! |
| They all cheer and disperse. | |
| Buster | Hah! I knew I could get rid of them somehow. Heh heh. |
| Kermit | Okay, well, we'll be back to Buster later. Hey, tell me, Digit-- what do you have coming in on the satellite that might raise the tone of the show? |
| Digit | (reads from a clipboard) Oh-- well, there's “Fish Wrestling”, “How to Tie-dye Waffles” and the All Classical Drama Channel. |
| Kermit | Uh, well, let's see. I hate “Fish Wrestling”. (Digit scribbles on the clipboard) And we're sick of multicolored waffles ... and I don't want more drama, so, try the toy tea party, channel 16. |
| Digit switches to the channel with the remote. |
Bootsie and Brad[]
| Amanda plays with her dolls as Foo-Foo watches. She places Talking Teddy™ on the couch in her dollhouse. | |
| Amanda | Today's the special day you've been waiting for, Boots-- your tea party. Oh, look - your first guest is here. |
| Bootsie emerges from behind the changing wall. | |
| Bootsie | I'm so glad you could come to my tea party, Talking Teddy™. (pulls his string) |
| Talking Teddy™ | Hi, I'm Talking Teddy™. Would you like to give me a kiss? |
| Bootsie | Sure. |
| She starts making out with him. Brad enters. | |
| Brad | Hi, Boots. (notices them, then becomes furious) Oh - am I interrupting? |
| Bootsie | Brad! I'd like to introduce you to Talking Teddy™. (pulls his string) |
| Brad | Who? |
| Talking Teddy™ | Hi, I'm Talking Teddy™. Do you want to play? |
| Brad | Oh! Boots! I thought this was going to be tea for two. |
| Bootsie | But that wouldn't be a real tea party, Brad. Now sit down, and make some chit-chat with Teddy! (goes behind the changing wall) |
| Brad | Oh, all right. (sits down, pulls his string) How are you, Teddy? |
| Talking Teddy™ | Keep your hands off my string, vinyl-breath. |
| Bootsie | There's one more guest coming. |
| A knock on the door. Foo-Foo barks as Amanda watches. | |
| Bootsie | That must be him now. |
| A rugged warrior action figure enters, armed with a flamethrower, screaming. Brad ducks behind the couch and Teddy cowers. | |
| Sergeant Killer Deathmachine™ | That's it! Let there be a quick tea party! |
| He shoots the flamethrower at Foo-Foo, who ducks away. | |
| Sergeant Killer Deathmachine™ | Got a search-and-destroy mission at 0800. |
| Bootsie | I'm so glad you could come to my tea party. Please sit down. Teddy, this is Sergeant Killer Deathmachine™. (pulls his string) |
| Talking Teddy™ | Hi, I'm Talking Teddy™. Would you like to give me a kiss? |
| Sergeant Killer Deathmachine™ | Hi, I'm Sergeant Killer Deathmachine™. Would you like to live to see tomorrow? |
| Brad emerges, laughing nervously. | |
| Bootsie | And this is my boyfriend, Brad. |
| Sergeant Killer Deathmachine™ | Hi, wimp. |
| They don't make eye contact at first, but then the Sergeant faces Brad and growls. Brad casually stands his ground. | |
| Brad | Hi. |
| Bootsie sits down and hands Brad his teacup. | |
| Bootsie | Now then! I bet all of you are thinking about summer getaways. |
| Talking Teddy™ | Not really. |
| Bootsie | I know I am! |
| Sergeant Killer Deathmachine™ | I'm going to Nicaragua. |
| Brad | For what? The wimps' convention? (laughs) |
| Bootsie | Brad, your tea is getting cold. |
| Sergeant Killer Deathmachine™ | Here, I'll heat it up for you. |
| He aims the flamethrower at Brad, singeing his entire suit. | |
| Brad | My party outfit! |
| Sergeant Killer Deathmachine™ | Well, Boots, gotta rock. (to Brad) Thanks for the laugh. (pats Bootsie on the butt) Some babe. |
| He exits the dollhouse, yelling. Brad slams the door. | |
| Brad | And don't come back! Oh, Bootsie... with macho guys like that around, why do you put up with me? |
| Bootsie | It's because you're so silly-sweet-- right, Teddy? |
| Talking Teddy™ | (pulls his own string) And because you're such a dip. |
| Bootsie and Brad laugh as Kermit watches. | |
| Kermit | Oh, well-- toys will be toys. |
| Blackout. |
MuppeTelevision Act 2[]
Gonzo on tape[]
| Gonzo | Hey, Kermit! Can I see you a second? |
| Kermit | Gonzo, you're here after all! That's great. |
| Gonzo | Actually, I'm not. |
| Kermit | What? |
| Gonzo | I'm not here. |
| Kermit | Don't be silly. You're standing right in front of me. |
| Gonzo | No, I'm not. I'm at the poultry show, where any sane man would be. |
| Kermit | Huh? |
| Gonzo | But I knew you'd miss me, so before I left, I had myself pre-recorded. |
| Kermit | What? |
| Gonzo | If you don't believe me, ask Digit. |
| Kermit | (flustered) But — how - if you're pre-recorded, how can you possibly answer my questions? |
| Gonzo | I'm just very good at predicting what you're going to say next, Kermit. |
| Kermit | Gonzo, that is (Gonzo says it with him) absolutely the most preposterous thing I have ever heard ... |
| Gonzo | ... ever heard in my life. |
| Kermit/Gonzo | Digit! Digit, Gonzo claims he's pre-recorded. Could that be true? |
| Digit/Gonzo | It's possible. The technology's getting so good, you know. |
| Gonzo | If you want to prove it, try rewinding me a little. You got your remote control with you? |
| Digit | Yup. |
| Gonzo | I'm on tape deck 4. |
| Digit rewinds Gonzo as Kermit watches in astonishment. | |
| Gonzo | If you want to prove it, try rewinding me a little. You got your remote control with you? |
| Digit | Yup. (pokes Gonzo) He's pre-recorded, all right. |
| Gonzo | I'm on tape deck 4. |
| Kermit | YES, YES, WE KNOW THAT! |
| Gonzo | Of course you know that! You've watched that part of me twice now! |
| Kermit screams; Gonzo echoes him. | |
| Kermit | Will you get out of here?! |
Ghost Story[]
| Gonzo runs past Leon. | |
| Leon | Gonzo! |
| Gonzo | I'm sorry, but Gonzo's not here right now. However, if you care to leave a message at the beep, he'll get right back to you. Beep! (exits) |
| Leon | But... boy, little geek must have stopped taking his medication. |
| Vicki | You know, that's the worst tape of Gonzo I've ever seen. |
| The lights suddenly flash. | |
| Vicki | Oh, dear-- a power failure. This could be serious. |
| Leon | This could be an emergency. |
| The monitors all lose picture and the room goes dark. | |
| Kermit | Uh-oh. It must be time for the ghost story. Is anybody else around? |
| Eerie music plays. A monstrous hand reaches out of the monitor and taps Kermit on the shoulder. | |
| Kermit | Uh, Bean, is that you? |
| He tries to run, but the hand nabs him and drags him into the monitor. | |
| Kermit | I hate this part. |
| The monitor fades to a dark house interior. An old lady leads Fozzie inside and turns on the light. | |
| Old lady | I'm afraid this is the only room we rent out anymore. |
| Fozzie | Oh, I'm sure it'll be wonderful. (looks around) Uh... Adequate. Barely tolerable. |
| Old lady | No one comes around here much, now that the new highway's open. |
| Fozzie | Yeah, well, see, I took a wrong turn and uh ... oh, my, what handsome cobwebs. |
| Old lady | (opens a door) And this is the bathroom. |
| Fozzie | Uh-huh... (aside) Matching mildew. |
| The old lady opens the window blinds. | |
| Old lady | Will you look at that? |
| Fozzie | What? |
| Outside, two men shoot hoops. | |
| Old lady | My crazy neighbors insist on playing basketball at night. |
| She shuts the blinds, startling Fozzie. | |
| Fozzie | (yelps) ... Whew. |
| Old lady | So, what brings a young bear like you to this place? |
| Fozzie | Oh, well, see, I'm going to Wall Street to become a big-time stockbroker. |
| He hands her a book; she reads the title. | |
| Old lady | "Get Ahead and Be Wealthy". |
| Fozzie | Yeah, yeah. You see, I - I figure that uh, I have an aptitude for "bear" market, get it? Wall Street, and I'm a bear, and - |
| Old lady | And another thing... |
| Fozzie | Yes, ma'am. (approaches her) |
| Old lady | Whatever you do... |
| Fozzie | Yes? |
| Old lady | ... Don't open that closet door. |
| Fozzie | You mean this closet right over here? Oh, okay, fine. |
| Old lady | No, no-- you don't understand what I'm saying. When I say, "Don't open that closet door" ... |
| Fozzie | Uh huh? |
| She grabs him by the shoulders and shakes him. | |
| Old lady | I mean, FOR GOD'S SAKE! IF YOU VALUE YOUR IMMORTAL SOUL, DON'T EVER, EVER, EVER OPEN THAT CLOSET DOOR!!! |
| She throws him down. He crawls back up to her. | |
| Fozzie | I think I understand. |
| Old lady | Okay. |
| She heads for the exit, then startles Fozzie again. | |
| Old lady | Oh... |
| Fozzie | (shrieks) |
| Old lady | Sleep well. (exits) |
| Fozzie | I'm sure glad this is only a comedy sketch. |
| The door shuts, startling him again. | |
| Later, Fozzie gets ready for bed, gargling after brushing his teeth. He looks outside the window and sees the basketball game. He yawns, then heads for the bed. | |
| Hours later, Fozzie is awoken by a strange creaking noise. He sees the doorknob turning by itself. He turns the light on and heads for the door, cowering and pointing to it. He reaches the door, fearful of what could be behind it. | |
| Fozzie | (aside) Oh, please, don't change the channel! I don't want to be alone just now. |
| Fozzie opens the door, and a headless figure walks in, frightening him. He runs outside and approaches the basketball players. | |
| Fozzie | Hey, you guys! You guys, help me! |
| Neighbor | Here, take a shot. |
| He tosses the ball to Fozzie, who notices that the ball is really a severed head. | |
| Broker | Nice catch. Thank goodness you found me. |
| Fozzie | This is a comedy sketch? |
| The neighbors shrug and go home. The headless figure comes outside, grabs the severed head from Fozzie, and heads back inside. Fozzie watches in amazement as the broker screws his head back on. | |
| Broker | And now, little bear, you shall be rewarded. |
| Fozzie | Ahh! |
| Broker | (indicates the book) Since you did as you were told and "got a head" ... |
| Fozzie | Got a head! Ahh! |
| Broker | ... here is your wealth. |
| He dumps a bucket of cash onto the bed. | |
| Broker | Now, if you don't mind, I've got a power breakfast with the Ghost of Christmas Past. (exits) |
| Fozzie | How about that-- it's a yuppie ghost story! Ha! (he vanishes) |
Closing number[]
| Kermit is thrown out of another monitor. He gets up and dusts himself off. | |
| Kermit | Well, uh, a few laughs, a little decapitation-- a good old-fashioned comedy. Hmm. Wonder what else is happening. |
| Vicki | "'tis a far, far better thing than I have ever done be-" |
| She notices the lights come on. | |
| Vicki | Oh, pooh. Looks like the emergency's over. |
| Kermit sees Bean hopping on one monitor. | |
| Kermit | Uh, Bean? Bean? |
| Bean Bunny | Huh? |
| Kermit | Uh, that's cute, but you're breaking our reality there. |
| Bean Bunny | Oh, sorry. |
| Kermit | Now... |
| Gonzo | (passes by) Pay no attention to me, Kermit. I am still not here. |
| Kermit | It's that pre-recorded Gonzo again. |
| Gonzo | See? Even though I'm gone, you still can't get rid of me. |
| Kermit | That figures. You're not all here even when you are here. Hey, wait a second-- |
| Kermit/Gonzo | I/You just got an idea! |
| Kermit | I know how to get rid of you. |
| Kermit/Gonzo | Fast-forwarding! |
| Kermit takes the remote and fast-forwards Gonzo. | |
| Gonzo | Listen, Kermit, you'll regret this! |
| Kermit | I doubt it. |
| Gonzo | Oh, okay! I'll regret it! |
| Kermit | That's more like it. |
| Kermit fast-forwards Gonzo some more. | |
| Gonzo | Oh, please, Kermit, I beg you! I beseech you on behalf of pre-recorded people everywhere! |
| Kermit fast-forwards Gonzo until he becomes a test pattern. | |
| Gonzo | Oh, now you've done it. I've come to the end of my tape. |
| Taped Gonzo walks away sadly, when the real Gonzo emerges wearing a tuxedo. | |
| Gonzo | Hi, I thought I'd never leave. Hello, Kermit, I'm back. |
| Kermit | Thank goodness. |
| Angle on Camilla with a ribbon. | |
| Gonzo | Look at Camilla-- blue ribbon, third year in a row. |
| Kermit | Oh, good. |
| Gonzo | And I'm ready to do the closing number like you wanted. |
| Vicki | Hey, hey - you don't have to. Guess what? While you were out at the ghost story, Buster Poindexter videotaped a great musical number for us. |
| Kermit | Fantastic! That can be our closing! Come on, let's put it in the machine! |
| Vicki | Okay! (they head to another edit bay) |
| Gonzo | Hey, I had my heart set on being in the closing number! |
| Vicki | Tape is rolling. |
| Kermit | Aha. And now, through the magic of videotape, MuppeTelevision proudly presents Mr. Buster Poindexter. |
| Buster appears on both monitors. | |
| Buster | Thank you, Kermit. You know, I was hoping that you'd be here to join in the number with us. |
| Kermit | What? |
| Buster | Kermit, did you hear me? Come join us. |
| Kermit | I-I-I don't know what's happening here. |
| Buster | (points) I'm talking to you. |
| Kermit | But you can't be-- you're on videotape. You can't be talking to me! |
| Buster | Sure I can. It's a little trick Gonzo taught me. |
| Kermit | Oh, good grief. |
| Buster | Now come on-- join me. |
| Kermit | Uh, be serious. You're on videotape and I'm here live in the control room. It can't be done! |
| Gonzo enters with a remote. | |
| Gonzo | Oh, Kermit, Kermit, Kermit, how little you understand the technology. |
| He presses a button and zaps Kermit into the picture with Buster. Camilla joins Gonzo. | |
| Gonzo | That's what I call fun! |
| Laughing, he zaps Camilla into the picture, then himself. At a fancy nightclub, Buster performs "All Night Party" as the dinner guests dance. Bean passes the groupies, and they follow him again, as a forlorn Flash looks on. Statler and Waldorf sit at a table, watching it happen. | |
| Waldorf | You enjoying all this? |
| Statler | I'll say! |
| Waldorf | Your hearing aid's off. |
| Statler | That's why I'm enjoying it! |
| They chuckle. Zoot and Digit join the backup band. | |
| Kermit | Hmm, uh, well, folks, this party could definitely go on all night, and since you probably have other things to do, I'll just say so long for now. |
| Fade to black. |
Storyteller Intro[]
| Jim sits with the lion. | |
| Jim | Now here comes a story with the lion in it. |
| The lion glances at a nearby podium. | |
| Jim | Oh - Kermit and the gang sent you that. That's a pedestal to put your Emmy on. It's a bit premature, I think, but we'll soon see. Here's John Hurt as the Storyteller, and a romantic tale known as "The True Bride." |
Closing[]
| Jim pets the lion. | |
| Jim | You were great in that. Wasn't he terrific? But listen, now how come you never told us you could talk? Hmm? (pause) Are you going to talk any more? (pause) Come on, speak to us. |
| Lion | I have nothing further to say. |
| Jim | Well, maybe he will next week. We'll see you then. |