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The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 109: Charles Aznavour.


Kermit appears in the show's O.
Kermit It's The Muppet Show, with our special guest star, Mr. Charles Aznavour!
The banner rises, and the theme begins.
Chorus girls

It's time to play the music
It's time to light the lights
It's time to meet the Muppets
On The Muppet Show tonight!

Male chorus

It's time to put on makeup
It's time to dress up right
It's time to raise the curtain
On The Muppet Show tonight!

The curtain opens on Fozzie.
Fozzie I don't approve of belly dancers. Why can't they dance on the floor like everyone else?
He cracks up. The curtain closes.

To introduce our guest star,
That's what I'm here to do!
So it really makes me happy
To introduce to you β€”
Mr. Charles Aznavour!

The Muppets gather around Charles.
Kermit But now let's get things started
Kermit & gang

On the most sensational, inspirational
Celebrational, Muppetational
This is what we call The Muppet Show!

Gonzo hits the "O" and Big Ben's bells chime.

Opening number

Main stage. Kermit enters to applause. Fozzie peers from the curtain.
Kermit Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Fozzie, what are you doing?
Fozzie I'm checking the house.
Kermit Will you get out of here?
Fozzie Sorry. (hides himself)
Kermit Bonsoir, bonsoir, mesdames et messieurs. Uh, that's "ladies and gentlemen". You'll notice a little French sneaking into my speech, and that's because our special guest tonight is none other than that international star, Mr. Charles Aznavour. But right now, let's raise the curtain, strike up the band, and get things moving on The Muppet Show.
A female Whatnot stands in front of a mirror as orchestral music swells up.
Woman (FB) Tonight … Tonight … won't be just any night.

Oh, he will soon be here. Be still, my aching heart.

She sings "I Feel Pretty" as she prepares to go on a date, removing her features piece by piece and replacing them with the face of a horrible monster. There's a knock on the door.
Woman (JH) Come in.
Beautiful Day Monster Hiya, honey.
Woman (JH) Ooh!
They embrace. Applause.


Kermit sits at his desk, reading the paper.
Gonzo Kermit, are you busy?
Kermit Yes, Gonzo, but I can give you my ear for a moment.
Gonzo What would I do with your ear?
Kermit Van Gogh impressions.
Gonzo Oh.
Kermit Gonzo, do you have to take everything so literally?! It's just an expression.
Gonzo Uh, Kermit, what I wanted to know was, was, uh, you know, I've noticed that I haven't been on uh, on stage for the last couple of shows.
Kermit Good observation.
Gonzo Yeah, well … uh, Kermit, I have a lot of fans out there, see, who are waiting to see my latest theatrical creation.
Kermit Uh, Gonzo, I have seen you eat a rubber tire to music, and I have seen you play a concert on your head with a mallet.
Gonzo Yeah.
Kermit And, Gonzo, my dear friend, it doesn't work.
Gonzo What? Kermit, you – I don't – You gotta understand, I don't play for the masses. I'm an artist. You understand that? An artist.
Kermit Yeah, well, then you should've gotten my Van Gogh joke. Listen, Gonzo, why don't you get yourself a manager? You know, somebody who could guide your career.
Gonzo Yeah? All right, OK. I will. All right. I'll do that and then you'll see. You'll all see because there's only one Great Gonzo. Only one!
Kermit Thank goodness for that. (walks away)
Gonzo Ehh, yokel! Rube!

"The Old Fashioned Way"

Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit Ladies and gentlemen, right now it's a real treat to present a star who has written and sung so many beautiful songs. And right now he's going to sing one of my all-time favorites. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Charles Aznavour.
The Old-Fashioned Way.JPG
Charles dances with Mildred in "The Old Fashioned Way" as pairs of Full-Bodied Humanoids dance in the background.
Waldorf You know, I love French singers.
Statler I love French fries.
Waldorf French fries? I don't get that.
Statler You didn't order any.


Scooter and Gonzo approach Kermit.
Scooter Hey. Hey, Kermit?
Kermit Mm?
Scooter The Great Gonzo wants me to manage him.
Gonzo Yeah, Scooter understands the soul of a true artist.
Scooter Mm-hmm.
Kermit Uh, yeah, but, Scooter, I hired you as a gofer. Gofer coffee, gofer sandwiches, remember?
Scooter Yeah, well, I can still do that, but Gonzo needs personal management.
Gonzo Oh, I do, Kermit, I truly do.
Scooter Yeah, I'm gonna change his whole repertoiry. I'm gonna have him do a rock act.
Kermit A rock act? But Gonzo can't sing.
Scooter No, no, I mean a rock act. Show him, Gonzo.
Gonzo Yeah, watch.
Gonzo puts a rock on Kermit's desk.
Scooter OK, hit it, kid.
Gonzo OK.
Gonzo starts hitting the rock with a mallet.
Gonzo Art! Art! Art!
Kermit Out! Out! Out!
Scooter and Gonzo scat away.

Veterinarian's Hospital

Announcer And now, "Veterinarian's Hospital, " the continuing story of a former orthopedic surgeon who's gone to the dogs.
Piggy walks to the operating table, where the patient is hooked up to the oxygen tank β€” wait, no β€” it's Dr. Bob.
Rowlf This is D for "Doc," B for "Bob," saying turn off the joy juice. (laughs, then puts it up to his ear) Hm? Yeah, ten-roger. OK. Now, where were we? Uh, pulse.
Miss Piggy (listens, gasps) No pulse, Dr. Bob.
Rowlf Heartbeat?
Janice (listens) No heartbeat, Dr. Bob.
Rowlf No pulse, no heartbeat, no use. He's gone.
Miss Piggy Oh, four hours operating and he went just like that.
Rowlf Yes, doesn't the time go fast when you're having fun? (laughs)
Janice Too bad, Dr. Bob. Your record was so good. You saved nine out of ten.
Rowlf My record is still good. This week he was number ten. (laughs)
They all look up and look around when the announcer speaks.
Announcer So Dr. Bob's record is still good. It's now ten on the medical hit parade, with a bullet. Tune in next week when we'll hear Nurse Piggy say...
Miss Piggy Oh, I hope no one hears about this, Dr. Bob.
Rowlf Well, at least he won't say anything.
They all laugh.
Miss Piggy I get it!

Dressing room

Charles Hilda, you can't imagine how hungry I get before a performance, so thank you for having this supper sent in for me.
Hilda It is my pleasure. It's everything that you ordered. There is β€” there is roast chicken, and salad, and French bread.
Charles But, Hilda, this is not French bread.
Bread Voyons, cheri, mais j'ai l'accent Francais.
Charles Of course, I could be wrong.

At the Dance

Couples dance in a ballroom. First we go to Mildred and George.
Mildred Uh, George. George!
George the Janitor Yeah?
Mildred Do you read very much?
George the Janitor Oh, all the time.
Mildred Oh. Uh, do you like Kipling?
George the Janitor Oh, well, I don't know. I never Kippled.
Next we go to … a rat and a banana?
Rat I don't know why, but I just love you.
Banana Well, you know how it is with us bananas. We have appeal. Get it? A peel. (laughs)
And then the two pigs.
Miss Piggy (RH) What is it you do for a living?
Pig (RH) Oh, uh, I'm a garbageman.
Miss Piggy (RH) That's fantastic! Do you deliver?
Pig (RH) Well, yes.
Back to the rat and banana.
Banana Come on, baby. Let's go do what we bananas do best.
Rat What's that?
Banana Split.
On to Animal and his partner.
Woman (FO) Do you know what it's like dancing with you?
Animal No. What?
Woman (FO) One, two, three, dip!
She dips him violently.
Animal Oh, I love it. More! More!
Woman (FO) One, two, three, dip.
She dips him violently.
Animal Yeah! More! More!

UK spot

The Gogolala Jubilee Jugband sings "Does Your Chewing Gum Lose Its Flavor on the Bedpost Overnight?"

Talk spot

Kermit OK, Charles, I can't tell you how honored we are to have you on our show tonight.
Charles Why, thank you, Kermit. It's my pleasure.
Kermit Hey, listen. Can I ask you a question?
Charles Of course.
Kermit Well, how come Frenchmen are so lucky in love?
Charles Well, we have a great advantage, you know. The language.
Kermit Language?
Charles Yes. You know that French is the language of love, so if you want to be a great ladies' man … learn French.
Kermit Well, that wouldn't help me. See, none of the girls I know speak French.
Charles Well, that doesn't matter, you know, in fact, sometimes it helps.
Kermit I don't follow.
Charles I will show you. Uh, Piggy? Mademoiselle Piggy, would you come here, please?
Miss Piggy (coyly) Mm-hm?
Charles She doesn't speak French, I suppose?
Kermit No, she doesn't speak a word of French.
Charles Good.
Miss Piggy Yes, Charles?
Charles Vous savez, votre carter a une fuite et votre transmission s'ecroule.
Miss Piggy (swoons, shivers) Oh! Oh, Charles.
Charles Mm-hm.
Kermit Uh, oui. Hey, listen, uh, you really got to her. What did you say?
Charles Well, I said, "Your oil filter has a leak and your transmission is sagging."
Kermit (chuckles) That's incredible.
Charles One more demonstration?
Kermit Yeah.
Charles You know what I'm gonna say? I'm gonna whisper in her ear, uh, the telephone number of Paris garbage dump, you know?
Kermit Paris garbage dump.
Charles Mademoiselle Piggy.
Miss Piggy Yes, Charles??
Charles Le numero de telephone de cet etablissement est Trudaine 2767.
She goes into hysterics, kissing him and grunting.
Miss Piggy Oh, oh, oh, oh! Oh, Charles. Oh! Mwah! Mwah! Oh, oh, Charles.
Kermit Oh … I knew that would happen. Charles, listen, on behalf of all the Muppets, I wanna say how sorry we are.
Charles Sorry? Sorry? I just met the girl of my dreams. Piggy? Piggy? Oh, Piggy?
He gets up and walks towards her.
Kermit Well, one man's poison is another man's bacon. (chuckles)
She reemerges, and karate-chops him.
Miss Piggy Hi-YAH! … Barbarian.
She stomps on him and walks off.
Waldorf I love the French tongue.
Statler I love pig's tongue.
Waldorf Pig's tongue? I don't get it. Oh! I know –
Statler & Waldorf "You didn't order any."
Statler (laughs)


Kermit reads the paper. Hilda enters.
Hilda Kermit.
Kermit Mm?
Hilda Kermit, that nephew of the theater owner.
Kermit Scooter? What about him?
Hilda He is going to drive me to bananas. He has gone all through the wardrobe. He wants The Great Gonzo to do a costume act.
Kermit Hubba-hubba-wha?
Scooter Hey, chief. Uh, what do you think?
Gonzo appears, dressed in drag.
Gonzo You think the high heels are too much?
Kermit Are you guys nuts?
Gonzo Well, Scooter says that β€” that, that, that female impersonation is a noble art.
Scooter Yeah.
Kermit Of all the dumb acts Gonzo's ever come up with, this is the dumbest.
Scooter Oh, gee, my uncle loves it.
Kermit You go on right after the dancers.
Gonzo Oh, oh, good. What do I do when I get out there?
Kermit Duck.
Hilda chuckles. Kermit leaves.

Panel discussion

Open on the panelists making chit-chat as the theme plays.
Kermit OK, friends. Friends. Um, time again to, uh, raise the intellectual level of our program, and our panel tonight consists of Sam, the American Eagle.
Sam the Eagle Peace and courage.
Kermit And Gonzo the Great.
Gonzo Art and culture.
Kermit Our own wardrobe lady, Hilda.
Hilda Pins and needles.
Kermit And Mildred Huxtetter, MA, PhD, OBE, and RSVP.
Mildred (RH) Uh, whatever.
Kermit Tonight's topic: what is man's role in the universe?
Sam the Eagle To be decent and to work hard. Next question.
Hilda Oh, not so fast, Sam. This is an important question. It has been asked since the beginning of time.
Mildred (RH) Yes, yes.
Gonzo Hmm, man's role in the universe. That's a toughie.
Hilda Oh, Gonzo, this discussion is above your head. Maybe you just better keep it down.
Gonzo Check. (he ducks under the desk)
Mildred (RH) What's he β€” what's he up to?
Sam the Eagle She didn't mean keep your head down! You take things too literally!
Kermit Uh, yeah, yeah, please. Now, uh, we don't have much time, so let's get hopping.
Gonzo (hops) Hop, hop.
Mildred (RH) Oh, no.
Sam the Eagle I have a feeling that we have perhaps misunderstood the question. Will you stop that hopping? (to Kermit) Who are these weird people?
Kermit Uh, just don't pay any attention, Sam.
Sam the Eagle All right, I suggest that we look carefully at what's before us and break it down into separate pieces.
Gonzo Check.
He starts whacking the table with his mallet.
Kermit Gonzo?
Hilda No, no, no, not the table! Oh, heavens to the Betsy. He means the question!
Mildred (RH) Yes, but we should be looking for the answer.
Sam the Eagle Yes.
Gonzo Well, I'll look under the table. (he does so)
Sam the Eagle What is this man doing?
Hilda Oh, oh, leave him there. It's best, believe me.
Mildred (RH) Well, as to man's role in the universe, I don't think he can.
Hilda Can what?
Mildred (RH) I don't think he can roll. In the universe. I mean, he's not round enough to roll.
Sam the Eagle (face palm) This can't be happening.
Mildred (RH) Of course, he could enroll, yes, yes, yes. But you can't enroll in the universe.
Hilda No, but you can enroll in the university. Ha! A little Hilda ha-ha there.
Mildred (RH) Yes … very little.
Kermit Yeah, hey, but, listen, uh, aren't we ever gonna find any answers?
Sam the Eagle Yes, yes.
Gonzo Well, there aren't any under the table, that's for sure.
Sam the Eagle Will you knock it off?
Gonzo Knock it off?
He whacks Sam in the chest. Sam yelps. Commotion ensues among the panelists.
Kermit Well, uh ... tune in next week when our distinguished panel will discuss the burning question, "What are we doing here?" (He tries to calm the others) Quiet ! Quiet !

Fozzie's comedy act

Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit Ladies and gentlemen, when I say the words "great comedy" it can only mean one thing, so let's really hear it for Fozzie Bear!!
The curtain opens as Fozzie's fanfare plays. Applause.
Fozzie Yeah, thank you, thank you. Please don't. Stop. Please don't, stop. Please don't stop! (wiggles his ears) Aaahhh! Oh, I can see you're all in a great mood tonight!
Waldorf Well, why ruin it with your act?
Statler (laughs)
Fozzie Ho, ho, ho. Uh β€” I could bury you guys with one line.
Statler OK, what's the line?
Fozzie Uh … uh … Y-y-you just wait.
Waldorf Is that the line?
Statler (laughs)
Fozzie Of course it's not the line! Look, look, I'm gonna tell a joke, and if they heckle – and if you heckle me, look out 'cause I'm ready. Just look out. That's all I can say, just look out. Look out. That's all I can say.
Statler Yep, that's all he can say all right. (laughs)
Fozzie I learnt to handle hecklers by working in a nightclub so tough, the hatcheck girl was a gorilla. (the audience laughs) There were more people in the band than in the audience and we had a one-man band. (the audience laughs) Uh, uh – I remember when – Hey, hey, how come you guys aren't heckling me?
Waldorf We love it. That's funny stuff.
Statler Funny.
Waldorf Yeah, topical. Hip.
Fozzie Oh, oh. Well, well, well … At this nightclub a party of 75 came in.
Statler & Waldorf (in unison) A lonely old lady, but she didn't drink much. (they laugh)
Waldorf Great.
Statler And I wouldn't say conditions at the club were bad, but when we asked where we could take a bath …
Waldorf … the manager ran us through the carwash next door.
They chuckle.
Fozzie Hey, hey, fellas. Hey, you guys, will you please β€”
Waldorf Please, please. We work alone.
Statler (laughs)
Fozzie Aha, aha! That was MY line. MY heckler line. See how it buried … me?
Waldorf Maybe we oughta go on the stage!
Statler Yes. There's one leaving in five minutes. Be under it. (laughs)
Waldorf Don't heckle me, you old fool. Heckle him.
Statler Is that a toupee you're wearing or did your cat die?
They laugh.
Waldorf Help! Heckler run amok. Help! Help!
Statler (laughs)


Kermit looks around.
Kermit Hey, Scooter, Scooter. Scooter?
Scooter Yeah, boss.
Kermit Scooter, would you get everybody on stage for the closing number?
Scooter Right, boss. Oh, by the way β€”
Kermit What?
Scooter I decided not to manage The Great Gonzo.
Kermit Oh, yeah? How come?
Scooter Well, you see, I gave him the standard 50-page managerial contract.
Kermit And?
Scooter He ate it.
Kermit Well, let's hope the contract's not binding.
Scooter Yeah.
Kermit Closing number next!

"The Inch Worm"

Charles sings "The Inch Worm" with a chorus of Muppet school children.


Kermit Well, another half-hour has passed by and we've reached the end of our show. We'd like to thank our special guest star, Mr. Charles Aznavour.
Charles Thank you, Kermit. It's been a wonderful evening for me. The first chance I ever had to make friends with a loaf of bread.
Bread Oh, Charles, vous etes le plus grand.
Charles Merci beaucoup.
Kermit Hey, thank you all and join us next time on The Muppet Show.
The Muppets gather onstage as the credits roll.
Statler Well, I really liked this show tonight.
Waldorf At these prices, who's gonna complain?
They chuckle.