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Open on the panelists making chit-chat as the theme plays.
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Kermit
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OK, friends. Friends. Um, time again to, uh, raise the intellectual level of our program, and our panel tonight consists of Sam, the American Eagle.
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Sam the Eagle
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Peace and courage.
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Kermit
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And Gonzo the Great.
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Gonzo
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Art and culture.
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Kermit
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Our own wardrobe lady, Hilda.
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Hilda
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Pins and needles.
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Kermit
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And Mildred Huxtetter, MA, PhD, OBE, and RSVP.
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Mildred (RH)
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Uh, whatever.
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Kermit
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Tonight's topic: what is man's role in the universe?
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Sam the Eagle
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To be decent and to work hard. Next question.
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Hilda
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Oh, not so fast, Sam. This is an important question. It has been asked since the beginning of time.
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Mildred (RH)
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Yes, yes.
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Gonzo
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Hmm, man's role in the universe. That's a toughie.
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Hilda
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Oh, Gonzo, this discussion is above your head. Maybe you just better keep it down.
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Gonzo
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Check. (he ducks under the desk)
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Mildred (RH)
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What's he — what's he up to?
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Sam the Eagle
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She didn't mean keep your head down! You take things too literally!
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Kermit
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Uh, yeah, yeah, please. Now, uh, we don't have much time, so let's get hopping.
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Gonzo
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(hops) Hop, hop.
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Mildred (RH)
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Oh, no.
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Sam the Eagle
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I have a feeling that we have perhaps misunderstood the question. Will you stop that hopping? (to Kermit) Who are these weird people?
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Kermit
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Uh, just don't pay any attention, Sam.
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Sam the Eagle
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All right, I suggest that we look carefully at what's before us and break it down into separate pieces.
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Gonzo
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Check.
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He starts whacking the table with his mallet.
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Kermit
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Gonzo?
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Hilda
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No, no, no, not the table! Oh, heavens to the Betsy. He means the question!
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Mildred (RH)
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Yes, but we should be looking for the answer.
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Sam the Eagle
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Yes.
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Gonzo
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Well, I'll look under the table. (he does so)
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Sam the Eagle
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What is this man doing?
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Hilda
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Oh, oh, leave him there. It's best, believe me.
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Mildred (RH)
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Well, as to man's role in the universe, I don't think he can.
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Hilda
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Can what?
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Mildred (RH)
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I don't think he can roll. In the universe. I mean, he's not round enough to roll.
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Sam the Eagle
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(face palm) This can't be happening.
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Mildred (RH)
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Of course, he could enroll, yes, yes, yes. But you can't enroll in the universe.
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Hilda
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No, but you can enroll in the university. Ha! A little Hilda ha-ha there.
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Mildred (RH)
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Yes … very little.
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Kermit
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Yeah, hey, but, listen, uh, aren't we ever gonna find any answers?
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Sam the Eagle
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Yes, yes.
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Gonzo
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Well, there aren't any under the table, that's for sure.
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Sam the Eagle
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Will you knock it off?
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Gonzo
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Knock it off?
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He whacks Sam in the chest. Sam yelps. Commotion ensues among the panelists.
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Kermit
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Well, uh ... tune in next week when our distinguished panel will discuss the burning question, "What are we doing here?" (He tries to calm the others) Quiet ! Quiet !
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Applause.
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