Cold open[]
| Kermit passes a stagehand as he walks into the control room. | |
| Kermit | Hi there, Stan. |
| Stan | Hi, Kermit. |
| Kermit | Aw. Oh, hey, Clifford, how's it going? |
| Clifford | Hey, Kerm, my main frog. Man, things couldn't be better. |
| Kermit | Yeah? |
| Clifford | (cont'd) We got Whoopi Goldberg guest starring. |
| Kermit | Oh. |
| Clifford | (cont'd) We got Miss Piggy coming in to do the closing number with her, and it's gonna be a great show! One of the best. |
| Kermit | (nods) Mm-hm. |
| Stagehand (BH) | Yeah, what could possibly go wrong? |
| Clifford | Aw, man, you had to say that. (the phone rings) Whoop, here it comes. |
| Rizzo | (holding the phone) Hey Cliff, you got a phone call. |
| Clifford | Whoop, there it is. |
| Rizzo | It's Miss Piggy. |
| Clifford | Aw, man, I knew it! |
| Kermit | Oh, I'm sure it's nothing, Clifford. Uh, I gotta hop. Bye-bye. |
| Kermit dashes off. Rizzo hands the phone to Clifford. Miss Piggy appears in a split-screen. | |
| Rizzo | There you go. |
| Clifford | Okay. (into the phone) Yeah, Piggy, what's up? |
| Miss Piggy | Hello, Cliffie. I'm on a plane. I'm returning from a mall opening at the south pole. |
| Clifford | Say what? |
| Miss Piggy | Oh, don't worry. I'll be there sooner or later. |
| Clifford | What do you mean "sooner or later"? You gotta be here for the closing number! |
| Miss Piggy | Oh, Cliffie, just throw some barnyard animals on stage until I'm there. You know, some kinda chicken schtick? I'm just running a teensy bit late. |
| Clifford | But you can't be late for the closing number, Piggy! After the closing number, the show's over! That's why they call it the closing number! |
| Miss Piggy | (laughs) Details, details. Alright, Cliffie, if you want me there on time, have a limo waiting at the airport. |
| Clifford | A limo? |
| Operator | Please deposit $650 for the next three minutes. |
| Miss Piggy | Uh, reverse the charges! |
| She hangs up and relaxes in her seat. The other passengers on the plane are all penguins. | |
| Miss Piggy | (sigh) Those poor little souls are lost without me. Let's see, how do I get this seat down? |
| She finds the lever and falls back in her seat. The penguins laugh at her. |
Theme[]
| Kermit opens the doors to the Muppet Theater. | |
| Kermit | It's Muppets Tonight, with our very special guest star, Whoopi Goldberg! Whoopee! |
| He is immediately trampled by theater patrons. Clifford sings the theme song while wandering through the dressing room to the control room to the stage, as Jowls whistles. Clifford reaches the stage, goes to a wall and throws a switch which lights up the show's title. |
Opening[]
| Open on the house band. Clifford comes out to applause. | |
| A. Ligator | And now, here's the host of our show, C'lifford! |
| Clifford | Hey! Yeah! What's up, what's up? Welcome to Muppets Tonight. Let's say hi to the band, shall we? Hi, band. |
| Band | (disgruntled) Yeah, hi, Clifford. |
| Clifford | Aww, look at that. They're in a chatty mood. Any hue, tonight we're going to break some new ground. |
| Wayne the construction worker hops past him on a jackhammer. | |
| Clifford | ... Okay. So, let's welcome this week's guest. Shall we? She's an Academy award-winning actress and comedienne extraordinaire. Miss Whoopi Goldberg! |
| Whoopi comes out to applause. | |
| Clifford | There she is! Ha ha ha! Hey, lady! |
| Whoopi | Hey. |
| Clifford | Listen, it's great to have you here. |
| Whoopi | It's good to be here, Clifford. You know, you and I have something in common. |
| Clifford | What's that? |
| Whoopi | We both collect antiques. |
| She holds up Statler; Clifford holds up Waldorf. | |
| Whoopi | See? A matched set. |
| They chuckle and drop the geezers. | |
| Whoopi | You know, there's something else we both have in common, Clifford. We're both huge fans of Miss Piggy's. |
| Clifford | No. That's something you and Miss Piggy have in common. |
| Whoopi | Oh, Clifford. One more small fact you may not know –– |
| Clifford | Word? |
| Whoopi | –– Piggy and I appeared on television once before, before we were famous. |
| Clifford | Get outta here. |
| Whoopi | No, for real! I brought a clip. |
| Clifford | Let's watch, shall we? |
| Statler & Waldorf | Do we have to? |
| Clifford & Whoopi | Yes. |
| The monitor is lowered, and the clip plays. |
People's Court[]
| The theme music plays. Open on Bug Lewellyn in front of the court doors. | |
| Bug Lewellyn | Welcome to People's Court. I'm your host, Bug Lewellyn. Today we present The Case of the Pointless Pigtails. And now here comes our plaintiff, miss Goldie Whoopberg. |
| Whoopi opens the door, knocking him over. She walks away. Bug gets up. | |
| Bug Lewellyn | Uh, and now here comes our defendant, Miss Piggy. OOF! |
| He stands on the other side, but Miss Piggy opens the other door and knocks him over anyway. He sticks to the door as it closes. | |
| Bug Lewellyn | I hope you both lose. (faints) |
| Bailiff (KC) | All rise. The honorable Judge Wapner presiding. |
| The court rises as Wapner takes his seat. | |
| Judge Wapner | You may be seated. Thank you, Rusty. (to Piggy) I know you've been sworn, and I have read your complaint. As far as I'm concerned, you're both a little nutty. But at any rate, Miss Whoopberg, let me hear from you first, please. |
| Whoopi | Well, judge, I'm a young, struggling actress, and my hair is very important to my livelihood. And I ... |
| Miss Piggy | (snores) |
| Judge Wapner | Miss Piggy, please. (bangs gavel) |
| Miss Piggy | (wakes up) Oh, yeah, what? Like I was the only one falling asleep from boredom? |
| Whoopi | May I continue? |
| Judge Wapner | Please. |
| Whoopi | I went to this ... person ... |
| Miss Piggy | Hmph! |
| Whoopi | ... who describes herself as a hairdresser, and I asked for one pigtail, judge. ONE ... pigtail. And look at what she did to me. |
| Miss Piggy | Look, lady, my profit comes from volume. I can't just do ONE pigtail! |
| Whoopi | Well, you should've said that! Because I don't like what you did to my hair! Look what you did to it! |
| Miss Piggy | Ingrate! Ingrate! |
| Whoopi | Bad hairdresser! Bad hairdresser! |
| Judge Wapner | (bangs gavel) Quiet! Quiet! Quiet, or I'll hold you both in contempt. |
| Whoopi & Piggy | Attica! Attica! Attica! Attica! |
| Wapner blows an air horn. Piggy screams. | |
| Judge Wapner | Alright. I've heard enough evidence. Now I'm going to render a decision. |
| Whoopi & Piggy | Hmm. |
| Judge Wapner | Now, Miss Whoopberg ... I think she did a pretty good job. |
| Miss Piggy | See? (laughs mockingly) |
| Whoopi | You really think so? |
| Judge Wapner | Yes. I wouldn't be surprised if a famous director contacted you. |
| Whoopi | You mean like Steven Spielberg? |
| Judge Wapner | Exactly. |
| Whoopi | I bet I could play, like, a psychic, who talks to the ghost of ... |
| Judge Wapner | Young Pat Swayze! |
| Whoopi | Pat Swayze? Yeah! He's cute! |
| Miss Piggy | (sarcastic) Yeah, you'll probably win an Oscar! Ha! |
| Judge Wapner | You could host the Oscars, too. |
| Whoopi | I'd like that! |
| Miss Piggy | Alright, alright, fine. I'll play along. How about this –– I'm going to be a glamorous star of stage, screen, television and movies! |
| Judge Wapner | Thirty days for aggravated arrogance. (bangs gavel) Next case. |
| The theme music resumes. A bailiff escorts Piggy away. | |
| Miss Piggy | What? |
| Whoopi | Thanks, Piggy. You know, maybe someday we can work together. You know, maybe do a big musical number of some sort? |
| Miss Piggy | (writhes) Get your hands off me, Dusty! (they exit) |
Fairyland P.D.[]
| Open on a tall building at night with two policemen. Bobo and Clifford gets out of their car and walk over to them. | |
| A. Ligator | And now, another episode from the files of Fairyland P.D.. Tonight: "Goldi-Lockup". |
| Clifford | Yo, chief. |
| Police chief | Huh? |
| Clifford | What you got for us? |
| Police chief | Uh, some broad named, uh, Locks. Goldilocks. She's barricaded in the Three Bears' house, and she's got demands. |
| Bobo | What kind of demands? |
| Police chief | Well, they keep changing. One time the porridge is too hot, then it's too cold. The bed's too hard, the bed's too soft. You know how it is with dames. |
| Clifford & Bobo | Typical. |
| Police chief | Yes. |
| Clifford | We'll take care of this, chief. |
| Police chief | Oh, good, 'cause I wanna get over to Donut World before they run out of those cream-filled Betty cakes. (through megaphone) Come on, Al! |
| Al follows him, leaving Bobo and Clifford on their own. | |
| Clifford | Uh, later, Al. |
| Bobo | TAKE IT EASY, AL! |
| Al | No thanks! |
| Bobo shrugs. | |
| Clifford | Let's go through the window. |
| Bobo | Alright. |
| They approach the window. | |
| Bobo | Ready? |
| Clifford | Yeah. |
| Bobo | Okay! Come out with your hands up, lady! |
| Goldilocks opens the window and whacks them both on the head with a frying pan. | |
| Bobo | Guhh! ... Oh boy. |
| Clifford | Boy, this is gonna be tougher than we thought. |
| Bobo | Yeah. I think this calls for a little undercover work. (dons a pair of glasses) Yeah ... |
| Clifford | Oh, no, Bobo. She'll never fall for that cheap disguise. |
| Bobo | Oh, we'll see. (to the window) Yoo-hoo! Miss Locks! |
| Goldilocks | (opens the window) Say, uh –– you're not the bear that was here before. You're a –– completely different bear. |
| Bobo | That's right. |
| Goldilocks | I'll be right back. (closes the window) |
| Bobo | I told you! I told you! You I told! You –– |
| Clifford | Aw, shut up. |
| Goldilocks | (opens the window) Oh, yoo-hoo! Oh, completely different bear? |
| Bobo | Yes? |
| She whacks him again and shuts the window. | |
| Bobo | (groans) |
| Clifford | I told you! I told you! I told you! Boy, there's no way we're gonna get her out of there. |
| Police chief | (comes back) Hey, look what I got, guys. |
| Clifford & Bobo | (gasp) Cream-filled Betty cakes? |
| Police chief | Uh-huh. |
| Bobo | Let's eat! |
| Goldilocks comes outside. | |
| Goldilocks | Hey, uh, did someone say Betty cakes? |
| Clifford | Hey. You're under arrest. |
| Goldilocks | Yeah, yeah. Shut up and give me a Betty cake. |
| Music button. |
Backstage[]
| Nigel talks into his headset while Zippity Zap and the weasel stand by. | |
| Nigel | Alright, get ready to cue Carl the Big Mean, uh, uh, uh, what is he tonight? |
| Zippity Zap | Oh, the ventrilo-quilo-quist. |
| Nigel | Oh, that's right! Cue Carl the Big Mean Ventriloquist! Cue him now! Go! Go! |
| Carl stands on stage with a dummy as a fanfare plays. | |
| A. Ligator | And now, it's time for Carl, the Big Mean Ventriloquist! |
| Light applause. | |
| Carl | Oh, hi. I'm Carl. Okay, okay. So, dummy, what's a Grecian urn? (mouthing) "I ain't answering your stupid question." I said, what's a Grecian urn? (wiggles dummy) "And I said I ain't talking, see?" Oh yeah? Well, then I'm gonna bite your head off! |
| He eats the dummy's head. | |
| Clifford | (to cameraman) Shoot the scenery, man. |
| The cameraman pans away from Carl. Clifford goes backstage. | |
| Clifford | Yo, yo, yo, Rizzo. What's the 411 on Miss Piggy? |
| Rizzo | Uh, well, actually it's more like a 911. Heh. |
| Clifford | What do you mean? |
| Rizzo | Well, you see, there was only two guys I could spare to pick Piggy up at the airport. |
| Clifford | Oh no, Rizzo, you didn't send –– |
| Rizzo | I did send. (ducks) Please don't bite my head off. |
| Cut to Piggy in the back of a limo, sitting between Andy and Randy. | |
| Andy & Randy | You're it! (they butt heads) You're it! (they butt heads) |
| Miss Piggy | STOP IT!! (smacks them both) |
| Andy | Hey, that was fun, Aunt Piggy! |
| Randy | Yeah! Let's do it again! |
| Andy & Randy | Yeah! |
| Miss Piggy | (stops them) Wait, wait, whoa, whoa! Alright. Now boys, why don't we all just sit back, okay, and watch the show until we get to the studio. Here. |
| Andy | Yeah. |
| She turns on the TV in the back of the limo. | |
| Miss Piggy | Okay now. Just relax. |
| Randy | Okay, I'm relaxed. |
| Andy | Me too. |
| Andy & Randy | You're it! ... You're it ... |
| They continue butting heads as Miss Piggy pouts. |
Reggae Rodents[]
| Main stage. Clifford and Rizzo enter to applause. | |
| Clifford | Yeah, hey, hey. (Jamaican accent) Brothers and sisters, lend an ear to the righteous sounds of Whoopi Goldberg and de Reggae Rodents. Mon. |
| Rizzo | Uh, excuse me, what kind of an accent was that supposed to be? |
| Clifford | Jamaican. |
| Rizzo | Yeah. Jamaican a fool of yourself! Heh heh heh ... (walks off) |
| Clifford | Heh heh heh ... yo, Riz, come here! (follows him) |
| Switch to an island setting. The Reggae Rodents play an up-tempo version of "No Woman No Cry". | |
| Whoopi | Hey, hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! (they stop playing) |
| Rats | Huh? What? |
| Whoopi | What was that supposed to be? |
| Rat (JN) | That's reggae. |
| Whoopi | Look. Reggae has got to have a little attitude to it. |
| Rat (JN) | Well, we got attitude! |
| Rat (KC) | Yeah, you wanna make something out of it?? |
| Whoopi | Not that kind of attitude! |
| Rat (KC) | Oh. |
| Whoopi | You gotta slow down! You gotta find your groove and take your time. |
| Rat (JN) | Ah, slow down. Find a groove. |
| Rat (KC) | Take your time. I hear ya. |
| Whoopi | You got it now? |
| Rats | Yeah, yeah. |
| Whoopi | Alright. Let's hear it. |
| The drummer plays a slow reggae beat. | |
| Whoopi | That's good. Alright, now, let's take it from the top, okay? |
| Rat (KC) | Yeah. |
| Whoopi | And two, three, a one two three four –– |
| The band resumes their fast version of the song. Whoopi stands there flabbergasted. |
Backstage[]
| Rizzo and Clifford watch on a monitor backstage. | |
| Clifford | Eww. Oh, Riz, Riz. Whoopi's gonna kill us if Miss Piggy's not back here for the musical number! What are we gonna do? |
| Rizzo | Well, Clifford, the way I see it, we got two choices. One, we could panic like this –– (screams) |
| Clifford | What's our other choice? |
| Rizzo | Well, I got a whole bunch of people waitin' to impersonate Miss Piggy in the final number. |
| Clifford | Impersonators, huh? Well, bring them in! |
| Rizzo | Alright. (checks clipboard) First on the list, we got, uh, Bill the Bubble Guy. |
| Bill enters, wearing a wig and pig snout. | |
| Bill | Hi, I'm Miss Piggy. Bubbles come out of moi's head. (grunts, blows) |
| Rizzo & Clifford | Next! |
| Animal rushes in, wearing a wig and pig snout. | |
| Animal | PIGGY! PIGGY! PIGGY! PIGGY! Moi. Moi. |
| Clifford | Next! |
| Animal | Thank you! |
| Rizzo | Next! |
| Sal | Miss Piggy, coming through! Outta the way for Miss Piggy! |
| Johnny | (also in a wig and snout) Thank you. Hello. Hello. I don't usually do this, but uh, I'd like to sing you a little song I call "Moi's Way". Frankie? |
| A piano swells up. | |
| Johnny | ♪ Hey you, crazy kooky chick, you... alright, hold it. (the piano stops) Sal, this is the stupidest idea you have ever had. I am not playing a pig. (walks away) |
| Sal | Johnny Fiama's leaving the building! Doesn't like my "stupid idea"! He ain't playing no pig! (walks off) |
| Clifford | (slowly turns to Rizzo) ... NEXT! |
| Rizzo | Next! |
| Seymour and Pepe emerge in the same Piggy attire. | |
| Pepe | Music! |
| Their theme plays. | |
| Seymour | I'm Piggy! |
| Pepe | I'm Piggy. |
| Both | ♪ We're two of a kind. |
| Pepe | ♪ I'm a little bit Piggy ... |
| Seymour | ♪ ...and I've got a pig behind. (shows his tail) |
| Pepe | Haha. See what he did? He said "pig behind" instead of "big behind", okay. |
| Seymour | Yes. |
| Clifford | Aw, man, this is pathetic! |
| Pepe | Knock knock, Miss Piggy. |
| Seymour | Who's there, Miss Piggy? |
| Pepe | Miss Piggy. |
| Seymour | Miss Piggy who? |
| Pepe | (blanking) ... Okay, we haven't got this part yet, okay, but uh, we're working on it. |
| Seymour | Yeah, yeah. So Rizzo, when do you think we're gonna know if we got the job? |
| Rizzo | Never. You will never know that. |
| Clifford | Next. |
| Pepe | What are you trying to say, okay? |
| Clifford | I said "next". |
| Pepe | Yes, but what are you trying to say? |
| Clifford | I'm not gonna say it again. |
| Seymour | (leads Pepe away) Don't worry, Pepe ... |
| Pepe | What is your point, okay? Don't let him talk to you this way okay ... |
| Clifford | (to Rizzo) Man, what did you do to me? |
| Pepe | Come here, you rat! (tackles Rizzo) |
Reggae Rodents cont'd[]
| A furious Whoopi clutches the two rats. | |
| Whoopi | Look. This is the last time I'm gonna tell you. Sing the song slowly! You got me? |
| She lets go of them. | |
| Rat (JN) | Ohh. You mean like, like this? One, two, three, four ... |
| The band resumes their fast version of the song. | |
| Whoopi | You are impossible! You rats! |
| She leaves. The band stops. | |
| Rat (JN) | Gee whiz, what's wrong with Goldilocks? |
| Rat (KC) | Yeah, she's so upset. She's gotta slow down, find the groove, take her time! |
| Rat (JN) | Yeah. Maybe somebody should tell her, everything's gonna be alright. |
| The band plays the song at the right tempo. | |
| Rats |
♪ Everything's gonna be alright. |
| Whoopi | That's it! That's right! That's it! Yes! |
| She sings along with them. Applause. Flowers are tossed; she catches some. | |
| Whoopi | Yes! Thank you! |
| Clifford, Rizzo and Zippety watch from backstage. | |
| Clifford | Heh heh. Man, Whoopi's doing great! She's killing 'em out there! |
| Zippety Zap | My baby! |
| Clifford | We may not even need Miss Piggy for the final number. |
| Rizzo | Whoo! I just hope Miss Piggy doesn't figure that out. Heh heh heh. |
| Meanwhile, Piggy watches the show on the limo TV while Andy and Randy look at a map. | |
| Miss Piggy | Oh, Whoopi's doing great. She's killing out there. They may not even need me for the final number. Oh, I just hope Clifford doesn't figure that out. Hey, the studio's only three blocks from the airport –– what's taking so long? |
| Andy | Well, we took a short cut. |
| Miss Piggy | (looks around) Hey, we're in the desert! Don't tell me we're lost! |
| Randy | Okay, we won't tell you. |
| Andy | Yeah. |
| Vulture (JN) | (perches on the window) Alright then, I'll tell you. You're lost. Hmm. And you might be lunch. |
| Music button. |
"Once In a Lifetime"[]
| Main stage. Clifford enters to applause. | |
| Clifford | Heh heh heh. Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo! Welcome back to Muppets Tonight. And now, for a special treat: here's Giganticus, the world's largest performance artist, singing –– |
| Gonzo | Whoa, whoa, whoa, bad news, Clifford, bad news! |
| Clifford | What's that? |
| Gonzo | Giganticus just got beaten up by Super-Giganticus. |
| Clifford | Well, what about his suit? We paid a fortune for that. |
| Gonzo | Oh, don't worry. Kermit's gonna fill in for him. |
| Clifford | This I gotta see. |
| They glance at the monitor. Kermit appears as David Byrne in a full-length music video of "Once in a Lifetime". | |
| Switch to the nursing home. | |
| Waldorf | Same as it ever was. |
| Statler | Same as it ever was. |
| Waldorf | Yeah. |
| Both | Terrible! (they chuckle) |
Backstage[]
| A line of jacketed Kermits passes by Clifford. | |
| Clifford | Nice job, Kermit. |
| Kermit | Thank you. |
| Clifford | Nice job, Kermit. |
| Kermit #2 | Thank you. |
| Clifford | Nice job, Kermit. |
| Kermit #3 | Thank you. |
| Clifford | ... Man, that was weird. |
| Rizzo | Oh, bad news, chief! Miss Piggy is still not here! |
| Clifford | Oh, man, what are we gonna do? |
| They overhear the crowd chanting "Whoopi! Whoopi!" | |
| Rizzo | Oh, I don't know, and I can't concentrate with all those people yelling for Whoopi! ... Hey! Hey, that gives me an idea! |
| Clifford | Yeah! Yeah, I think I'm with you. |
| Rizzo | Yeah! Let's put on Bill the Bubble Guy! They'll love that! |
| Clifford | Say what? |
| Whoopi emerges in a magician's outfit. | |
| Whoopi | Hey, hey, guys? I was checking out my car and I found a little something. I thought I might go out on stage and, you know, just warm up the crowd till Miss Piggy gets here. |
| Rizzo | Oh. |
| Clifford | Oh, that's a great idea, Whoopi! |
| Rizzo | Yeah, but be careful. There's a tough bunch out there. |
| Whoopi | Oh. I'll take my chances. Wish me luck, guys. |
| Clifford & Rizzo | Good luck. |
| Whoopi | Thanks. Ha. (goes onstage) |
| Rizzo | Heh. Now there goes a brave woman. Heh heh heh. |
| Clifford shakes his head and walks off. |
Whoopi's act[]
| Whoopi takes center stage and starts spinning plates on sticks. | |
| Whoopi | Hi, I'm Whoopi Goldberg, and ladies and gentlemen, it's time to dish! Music! |
| "Sabre Dance" plays as she spins. | |
| Whoopi | You know, my favorite groups are the Platters and the Spinners. |
| Genuine applause. Rizzo, Clifford and Fozzie watch from the wings. | |
| Rizzo | Ha! |
| Clifford | Man, she is good! |
| Rizzo | They love her! |
| Fozzie | Yeah, the material is so fresh! |
| Rizzo | Yeah! |
| Whoopi approaches them. | |
| Whoopi | (catches breath) How am I doing, guys? |
| Clifford | You're doing great! |
| Fozzie | Yeah, yeah! |
| Clifford | Listen to 'em! |
| She hears the crowd chanting her name. | |
| Rizzo | (laughs) |
| Whoopi | Just wait till you see this. |
| She goes back onstage and starts playing music on glasses. | |
| Whoopi | You know, people say they don't understand my act. But to me, it's crystal clear. |
| Genuine laughter and applause. | |
| Whoopi | And my mom always said, "Men don't make passes at girls who play glasses." |
| Genuine laughter and applause. | |
| Whoopi | I learned this song from Philip Glass. Get it? Fill up glass? |
| Genuine laughter and applause. Fozzie takes notes on a clipboard. | |
| Fozzie | Hey, what was that last line? Uh, "fill up glass" –– boy, she is a genius! |
| Rizzo | Look what she's doing now! |
| She does gymnastics on a pair of ropes with ring handles. | |
| Whoopi | Look, I'm running rings around myself! Ha ha! Yeah! Whoo-ha! Thank you! |
| Genuine laughter and applause. | |
| Fozzie | "Rings around herself"! She's brilliant! |
| Clifford | Aw, come on, Fozzie. You're funny too. |
| Fozzie | Really? |
| Rizzo | Oh, I hope she does karaoke next. That stuff just kills me! (laughs) |
| Clifford | Yeah. |
| Fozzie | (moans, facepalms) |
| Suspenseful music plays. | |
| Whoopi | Ladies and gentlemen, I will now do something never before performed by any human being. ... I ... will fly! |
| The music stops just as she's about to take off... | |
| Rizzo | Uh, excuse me, Whoopi, but you have a phone call over there. It's Miss Piggy. |
| Whoopi | Oh. Cover me. |
| She exits smiling. Rizzo stammers as the music resumes. | |
| Rizzo | Uh, ladies and gentlemen, I will now do something never before performed by any rat. Uh ... I will ... fly. |
| Clifford hands her the phone. | |
| Clifford | Here you go, Whoop. |
| Whoopi | Oh, thanks. Yeah, Piggy, what's up? |
| Miss Piggy | (still in the limo) Whoopi, sweetie, now don't you panic. You've done the very best job you can to save this show. But failure is no shame, dear. |
| Whoopi | That's sweet of you to say, Miss Piggy, but you know, the audience really seems to like me, so there's really no need for you to even hurry back. I'll just do the final number all by myself. |
| Miss Piggy | You what? |
| Whoopi | What? I'm losing you. I gotta get back to stage now. I'm flying, you know. |
| Miss Piggy | What? |
| Whoopi | She's gone! |
| She hangs up the phone. Rizzo flies, bumping into a nearby camera. | |
| Whoopi | You stole my act. |
| Rizzo | (dazed) You can have it back. (faints) |
| Meanwhile, Piggy takes the wheel in the limo, having hog-tied Andy and Randy in the back. | |
| Miss Piggy | So! She's going to do the final number by herself, huh? Well, we'll see about that! It's pedal to the metal time, boys! (steps on the gas) |
Closing number[]
| Clifford takes center stage. | |
| Clifford | And now, Muppets Tonight proudly presents the moment you've all been waiting for, tonight's big musical number featuring none other than Miss Whoopi Goldberg! |
| Whoopi performs "Diamonds Are a Girl's Best Friend", backed by the penguins. Midway, Piggy barges through the control room toward the stage, bumping into everyone in her path. | |
| Miss Piggy | Watch out! Coming through! |
| As the first verse ends, Piggy arrives onstage and shoos the penguins away. The band pauses. | |
| Miss Piggy | Move it, penguins! This is my number! And there's no way you're taking it from me! |
| Whoopi | Oh, but Piggy! Piggy! I don't want to take this number away from you! |
| Miss Piggy | Ha! |
| Whoopi | I wanted to perform with the world's greatest living female performer! |
| Miss Piggy | (giggles) Well! If you put it that way ... |
| Whoopi | Yes! Streisand! |
| Miss Piggy | WHAT?! |
| Whoopi | (laughs) Just kidding! Come on. Let's show 'em what we got! |
| Miss Piggy | Alright! |
| The band resumes playing; Whoopi and Piggy finish the song together. Applause. | |
| Whoopi | Oh, you're fabulous! Thank you! |
| Miss Piggy | Thank you! Thank you! |
| Clifford | Hey, give it up! Give it up! Give it up! Well, what do you know? It all came together, thanks to our special guest, Whoopi Goldberg! |
| Applause. | |
| Whoopi | Thank you! And of course, to Miss Piggy! |
| Miss Piggy | Aww! Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you! That's so sweet. And I see you kept my fabulous hairstyle. |
| Whoopi | Yes, it's helped me many many times, and I owe it all to you. |
| Miss Piggy | Of course you do, dear. Now, say goodnight. I got a plane to catch. |
| Whoopi | Goodnight! |
| Enter Andy and Randy. | |
| Andy | We'll drive you to the airport, Aunt Piggy! (Randy nods) |
| Miss Piggy | OH NO!! I'll walk! (runs away) |
| Andy & Randy | Oh, we'll walk with you! (they follow her) |
| Whoopi | Goodnight! |
| Clifford | Goodnight, everybody! Goodnight! Thanks, Whoopi. |
| Whoopi gives him a kiss. Applause as the penguins join them. Whoopi bats the penguins away. | |
| Whoopi | Hey! Stop that! |
| Clifford | What's wrong with you? |
| Randy | Have you seen Miss Piggy? Where's Miss Piggy? |
Epilogue[]
| On a plane, Piggy relaxes in her seat with a copy of William Shatner's Man O'War. | |
| Miss Piggy | Hoo! Boy, I'm glad THAT show's over! (sigh) |
| She glances out her window and sees a demon eating the plane's wing. She screams. | |
| Miss Piggy | There's a creature on the wing! It's tearing the plane apart! Someone help! Don't you see it? |
| William Shatner, sitting next to her, muses ... | |
| William | Oh, it's that guy. I've been compalining about him for years. Nobody does anything about it. That's a really interesting book you're reading. |
| Miss Piggy | (panicking) Yeah, yeah, it is, yeah ... |
| William | The audio version of that book is really entertaining too. I did it myself, on tape, I mean. We wanted Buddy Hackett to do it, but he was too expensive. (chuckles) |
| Miss Piggy | Fine, fine! Stewardess?! Anybody? |
| William | Would you like me to autograph that book for you? Shall I make it out to Babe? |
| Miss Piggy | What? |
| William | There's a wonderful part in that book for you. |
| Miss Piggy | (screams) Get me outta here! |
| William | Space Captain Pig, I think. There's a –– there's a lot of crime, a lot of screaming ... |
| Music button. The credits roll, with outtakes of the scene with Johnny, Sal and Clifford. |