Cold open

Kermit passes a stagehand as he walks into the control room.
Kermit Hi there, Stan.
Stan Hi, Kermit.
Kermit Aw. Oh, hey, Clifford, how's it going?
Clifford Hey, Kerm, my main frog. Man, things couldn't be better.
Kermit Yeah?
Clifford (cont'd) We got Whoopi Goldberg guest starring.
Kermit Oh.
Clifford (cont'd) We got Miss Piggy coming in to do the closing number with her, and it's gonna be a great show! One of the best.
Kermit (nods) Mm-hm.
Stagehand (BH) Yeah, what could possibly go wrong?
Clifford Aw, man, you had to say that. (the phone rings) Whoop, here it comes.
Rizzo (holding the phone) Hey Cliff, you got a phone call.
Clifford Whoop, there it is.
Rizzo It's Miss Piggy.
Clifford Aw, man, I knew it!
Kermit Oh, I'm sure it's nothing, Clifford. Uh, I gotta hop. Bye-bye.
Kermit dashes off. Rizzo hands the phone to Clifford. Miss Piggy appears in a split-screen.
Rizzo There you go.
Clifford Okay. (into the phone) Yeah, Piggy, what's up?
Miss Piggy Hello, Cliffie. I'm on a plane. I'm returning from a mall opening at the south pole.
Clifford Say what?
Miss Piggy Oh, don't worry. I'll be there sooner or later.
Clifford What do you mean "sooner or later"? You gotta be here for the closing number!
Miss Piggy Oh, Cliffie, just throw some barnyard animals on stage until I'm there. You know, some kinda chicken schtick? I'm just running a teensy bit late.
Clifford But you can't be late for the closing number, Piggy! After the closing number, the show's over! That's why they call it the closing number!
Miss Piggy (laughs) Details, details. Alright, Cliffie, if you want me there on time, have a limo waiting at the airport.
Clifford A limo?
Operator Please deposit $650 for the next three minutes.
Miss Piggy Uh, reverse the charges!
She hangs up and relaxes in her seat. The other passengers on the plane are all penguins.
Miss Piggy (sigh) Those poor little souls are lost without me. Let's see, how do I get this seat down?
She finds the lever and falls back in her seat. The penguins laugh at her.


Kermit opens the doors to the Muppet Theater.
Kermit It's Muppets Tonight, with our very special guest star, Whoopi Goldberg! Whoopee!
He is immediately trampled by theater patrons. Clifford sings the theme song while wandering through the dressing room to the control room to the stage, as Jowls whistles. Clifford reaches the stage, goes to a wall and throws a switch which lights up the show's title.


Open on the house band. Clifford comes out to applause.
A. Ligator And now, here's the host of our show, C'lifford!
Clifford Hey! Yeah! What's up, what's up? Welcome to Muppets Tonight. Let's say hi to the band, shall we? Hi, band.
Band (disgruntled) Yeah, hi, Clifford.
Clifford Aww, look at that. They're in a chatty mood. Any hue, tonight we're going to break some new ground.
Wayne the construction worker hops past him on a jackhammer.
Clifford ... Okay. So, let's welcome this week's guest. Shall we? She's an Academy award-winning actress and comedienne extraordinaire. Miss Whoopi Goldberg!
Whoopi comes out to applause.
Clifford There she is! Ha ha ha! Hey, lady!
Whoopi Hey.
Clifford Listen, it's great to have you here.
Whoopi It's good to be here, Clifford. You know, you and I have something in common.
Clifford What's that?
Whoopi We both collect antiques.
She holds up Statler; Clifford holds up Waldorf.
Whoopi See? A matched set.
They chuckle and drop the geezers.
Whoopi You know, there's something else we both have in common, Clifford. We're both huge fans of Miss Piggy's.
Clifford No. That's something you and Miss Piggy have in common.
Whoopi Oh, Clifford. One more small fact you may not know ––
Clifford Word?
Whoopi –– Piggy and I appeared on television once before, before we were famous.
Clifford Get outta here.
Whoopi No, for real! I brought a clip.
Clifford Let's watch, shall we?
Statler & Waldorf Do we have to?
Clifford & Whoopi Yes.
The monitor is lowered, and the clip plays.

People's Court

The theme music plays. Open on Bug Lewellyn in front of the court doors.
Bug Lewellyn Welcome to People's Court. I'm your host, Bug Lewellyn. Today we present The Case of the Pointless Pigtails. And now here comes our plaintiff, miss Goldie Whoopberg.
Whoopi opens the door, knocking him over. She walks away. Bug gets up.
Bug Lewellyn Uh, and now here comes our defendant, Miss Piggy. OOF!
He stands on the other side, but Miss Piggy opens the other door and knocks him over anyway. He sticks to the door as it closes.
Bug Lewellyn I hope you both lose. (faints)
Bailiff (KC) All rise. The honorable Judge Wapner presiding.
The court rises as Wapner takes his seat.
Judge Wapner You may be seated. Thank you, Rusty. (to Piggy) I know you've been sworn, and I have read your complaint. As far as I'm concerned, you're both a little nutty. But at any rate, Miss Whoopberg, let me hear from you first, please.
Whoopi Well, judge, I'm a young, struggling actress, and my hair is very important to my livelihood. And I ...
Miss Piggy (snores)
Judge Wapner Miss Piggy, please. (bangs gavel)
Miss Piggy (wakes up) Oh, yeah, what? Like I was the only one falling asleep from boredom?
Whoopi May I continue?
Judge Wapner Please.
Whoopi I went to this ... person ...
Miss Piggy Hmph!
Whoopi ... who describes herself as a hairdresser, and I asked for one pigtail, judge. ONE ... pigtail. And look at what she did to me.
Miss Piggy Look, lady, my profit comes from volume. I can't just do ONE pigtail!
Whoopi Well, you should've said that! Because I don't like what you did to my hair! Look what you did to it!
Miss Piggy Ingrate! Ingrate!
Whoopi Bad hairdresser! Bad hairdresser!
Judge Wapner (bangs gavel) Quiet! Quiet! Quiet, or I'll hold you both in contempt.
Whoopi & Piggy Attica! Attica! Attica! Attica!
Wapner blows an air horn. Piggy screams.
Judge Wapner Alright. I've heard enough evidence. Now I'm going to render a decision.
Whoopi & Piggy Hmm.
Judge Wapner Now, Miss Whoopberg ... I think she did a pretty good job.
Miss Piggy See? (laughs mockingly)
Whoopi You really think so?
Judge Wapner Yes. I wouldn't be surprised if a famous director contacted you.
Whoopi You mean like Steven Spielberg?
Judge Wapner Exactly.
Whoopi I bet I could play, like, a psychic, who talks to the ghost of ...
Judge Wapner Young Pat Swayze!
Whoopi Pat Swayze? Yeah! He's cute!
Miss Piggy (sarcastic) Yeah, you'll probably win an Oscar! Ha!
Judge Wapner You could host the Oscars, too.
Whoopi I'd like that!
Miss Piggy Alright, alright, fine. I'll play along. How about this –– I'm going to be a glamorous star of stage, screen, television and movies!
Judge Wapner Thirty days for aggravated arrogance. (bangs gavel) Next case.
The theme music resumes. A bailiff escorts Piggy away.
Miss Piggy What?
Whoopi Thanks, Piggy. You know, maybe someday we can work together. You know, maybe do a big musical number of some sort?
Miss Piggy (writhes) Get your hands off me, Dusty! (they exit)

Fairyland P.D.

Open on a tall building at night with two policemen. Bobo and Clifford gets out of their car and walk over to them.
A. Ligator And now, another episode from the files of Fairyland P.D.. Tonight: "Goldi-Lockup".
Clifford Yo, chief.
Police chief Huh?
Clifford What you got for us?
Police chief Uh, some broad named, uh, Locks. Goldilocks. She's barricaded in the Three Bears' house, and she's got demands.
Bobo What kind of demands?
Police chief Well, they keep changing. One time the porridge is too hot, then it's too cold. The bed's too hard, the bed's too soft. You know how it is with dames.
Clifford & Bobo Typical.
Police chief Yes.
Clifford We'll take care of this, chief.
Police chief Oh, good, 'cause I wanna get over to Donut World before they run out of those cream-filled Betty cakes. (through megaphone) Come on, Al!
Al follows him, leaving Bobo and Clifford on their own.
Clifford Uh, later, Al.
Al No thanks!
Bobo shrugs.
Clifford Let's go through the window.
Bobo Alright.
They approach the window.
Bobo Ready?
Clifford Yeah.
Bobo Okay! Come out with your hands up, lady!
Goldilocks opens the window and whacks them both on the head with a frying pan.
Bobo Guhh! ... Oh boy.
Clifford Boy, this is gonna be tougher than we thought.
Bobo Yeah. I think this calls for a little undercover work. (dons a pair of glasses) Yeah ...
Clifford Oh, no, Bobo. She'll never fall for that cheap disguise.
Bobo Oh, we'll see. (to the window) Yoo-hoo! Miss Locks!
Goldilocks (opens the window) Say, uh –– you're not the bear that was here before. You're a –– completely different bear.
Bobo That's right.
Goldilocks I'll be right back. (closes the window)
Bobo I told you! I told you! You I told! You ––
Clifford Aw, shut up.
Goldilocks (opens the window) Oh, yoo-hoo! Oh, completely different bear?
Bobo Yes?
She whacks him again and shuts the window.
Bobo (groans)
Clifford I told you! I told you! I told you! Boy, there's no way we're gonna get her out of there.
Police chief (comes back) Hey, look what I got, guys.
Clifford & Bobo (gasp) Cream-filled Betty cakes?
Police chief Uh-huh.
Bobo Let's eat!
Goldilocks comes outside.
Goldilocks Hey, uh, did someone say Betty cakes?
Clifford Hey. You're under arrest.
Goldilocks Yeah, yeah. Shut up and give me a Betty cake.
Music button.


Nigel talks into his headset while Zippity Zap and the weasel stand by.
Nigel Alright, get ready to cue Carl the Big Mean, uh, uh, uh, what is he tonight?
Zippity Zap Oh, the ventrilo-quilo-quist.
Nigel Oh, that's right! Cue Carl the Big Mean Ventriloquist! Cue him now! Go! Go!
Carl stands on stage with a dummy as a fanfare plays.
A. Ligator And now, it's time for Carl, the Big Mean Ventriloquist!
Light applause.
Carl Oh, hi. I'm Carl. Okay, okay. So, dummy, what's a Grecian urn? (mouthing) "I ain't answering your stupid question." I said, what's a Grecian urn? (wiggles dummy) "And I said I ain't talking, see?" Oh yeah? Well, then I'm gonna bite your head off!
He eats the dummy's head.
Clifford (to cameraman) Shoot the scenery, man.
The cameraman pans away from Carl. Clifford goes backstage.
Clifford Yo, yo, yo, Rizzo. What's the 411 on Miss Piggy?
Rizzo Uh, well, actually it's more like a 911. Heh.
Clifford What do you mean?
Rizzo Well, you see, there was only two guys I could spare to pick Piggy up at the airport.
Clifford Oh no, Rizzo, you didn't send ––
Rizzo I did send. (ducks) Please don't bite my head off.
Cut to Piggy in the back of a limo, sitting between Andy and Randy.
Andy & Randy You're it! (they butt heads) You're it! (they butt heads)
Miss Piggy STOP IT!! (smacks them both)
Andy Hey, that was fun, Aunt Piggy!
Randy Yeah! Let's do it again!
Andy & Randy Yeah!
Miss Piggy (stops them) Wait, wait, whoa, whoa! Alright. Now boys, why don't we all just sit back, okay, and watch the show until we get to the studio. Here.
Andy Yeah.
She turns on the TV in the back of the limo.
Miss Piggy Okay now. Just relax.
Randy Okay, I'm relaxed.
Andy Me too.
Andy & Randy You're it! ... You're it ...
They continue butting heads as Miss Piggy pouts.

Reggae Rodents

Main stage. Clifford and Rizzo enter to applause.
Clifford Yeah, hey, hey. (Jamaican accent) Brothers and sisters, lend an ear to the righteous sounds of Whoopi Goldberg and de Reggae Rodents. Mon.
Rizzo Uh, excuse me, what kind of an accent was that supposed to be?
Clifford Jamaican.
Rizzo Yeah. Jamaican a fool of yourself! Heh heh heh ... (walks off)
Clifford Heh heh heh ... yo, Riz, come here! (follows him)
Switch to an island setting. The Reggae Rodents play an up-tempo version of "No Woman No Cry".
Whoopi Hey, hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! (they stop playing)
Rats Huh? What?
Whoopi What was that supposed to be?
Rat (JN) That's reggae.
Whoopi Look. Reggae has got to have a little attitude to it.
Rat (JN) Well, we got attitude!
Rat (KC) Yeah, you wanna make something out of it??
Whoopi Not that kind of attitude!
Rat (KC) Oh.
Whoopi You gotta slow down! You gotta find your groove and take your time.
Rat (JN) Ah, slow down. Find a groove.
Rat (KC) Take your time. I hear ya.
Whoopi You got it now?
Rats Yeah, yeah.
Whoopi Alright. Let's hear it.
The drummer plays a slow reggae beat.
Whoopi That's good. Alright, now, let's take it from the top, okay?
Rat (KC) Yeah.
Whoopi And two, three, a one two three four ––
The band resumes their fast version of the song. Whoopi stands there flabbergasted.


Rizzo and Clifford watch on a monitor backstage.
Clifford Eww. Oh, Riz, Riz. Whoopi's gonna kill us if Miss Piggy's not back here for the musical number! What are we gonna do?
Rizzo Well, Clifford, the way I see it, we got two choices. One, we could panic like this –– (screams)
Clifford What's our other choice?
Rizzo Well, I got a whole bunch of people waitin' to impersonate Miss Piggy in the final number.
Clifford Impersonators, huh? Well, bring them in!
Rizzo Alright. (checks clipboard) First on the list, we got, uh, Bill the Bubble Guy.
Bill enters, wearing a wig and pig snout.
Bill Hi, I'm Miss Piggy. Bubbles come out of moi's head. (grunts, blows)
Rizzo & Clifford Next!
Animal rushes in, wearing a wig and pig snout.
Clifford Next!
Animal Thank you!
Rizzo Next!
Sal Miss Piggy, coming through! Outta the way for Miss Piggy!
Johnny (also in a wig and snout) Thank you. Hello. Hello. I don't usually do this, but uh, I'd like to sing you a little song I call "Moi's Way". Frankie?
A piano swells up.
Johnny ♪ Hey you, crazy kooky chick, you... alright, hold it. (the piano stops) Sal, this is the stupidest idea you have ever had. I am not playing a pig. (walks away)
Sal Johnny Fiama's leaving the building! Doesn't like my "stupid idea"! He ain't playing no pig! (walks off)
Clifford (slowly turns to Rizzo) ... NEXT!
Rizzo Next!
Seymour and Pepe emerge in the same Piggy attire.
Pepe Music!
Their theme plays.
Seymour I'm Piggy!
Pepe I'm Piggy.
Both ♪ We're two of a kind.
Pepe ♪ I'm a little bit Piggy ...
Seymour ♪ ...and I've got a pig behind. (shows his tail)
Pepe Haha. See what he did? He said "pig behind" instead of "big behind", okay.
Seymour Yes.
Clifford Aw, man, this is pathetic!
Pepe Knock knock, Miss Piggy.
Seymour Who's there, Miss Piggy?
Pepe Miss Piggy.
Seymour Miss Piggy who?
Pepe (blanking) ... Okay, we haven't got this part yet, okay, but uh, we're working on it.
Seymour Yeah, yeah. So Rizzo, when do you think we're gonna know if we got the job?
Rizzo Never. You will never know that.
Clifford Next.
Pepe What are you trying to say, okay?
Clifford I said "next".
Pepe Yes, but what are you trying to say?
Clifford I'm not gonna say it again.
Seymour (leads Pepe away) Don't worry, Pepe ...
Pepe What is your point, okay? Don't let him talk to you this way okay ...
Clifford (to Rizzo) Man, what did you do to me?
Pepe Come here, you rat! (tackles Rizzo)

Reggae Rodents cont'd

A furious Whoopi clutches the two rats.
Whoopi Look. This is the last time I'm gonna tell you. Sing the song slowly! You got me?
She lets go of them.
Rat (JN) Ohh. You mean like, like this? One, two, three, four ...
The band resumes their fast version of the song.
Whoopi You are impossible! You rats!
She leaves. The band stops.
Rat (JN) Gee whiz, what's wrong with Goldilocks?
Rat (KC) Yeah, she's so upset. She's gotta slow down, find the groove, take her time!
Rat (JN) Yeah. Maybe somebody should tell her, everything's gonna be alright.
The band plays the song at the right tempo.

♪ Everything's gonna be alright.
♪ Everything's gonna be alright.
♪ No woman no cry.

Whoopi That's it! That's right! That's it! Yes!
She sings along with them. Applause. Flowers are tossed; she catches some.
Whoopi Yes! Thank you!
Clifford, Rizzo and Zippety watch from backstage.
Clifford Heh heh. Man, Whoopi's doing great! She's killing 'em out there!
Zippety Zap My baby!
Clifford We may not even need Miss Piggy for the final number.
Rizzo Whoo! I just hope Miss Piggy doesn't figure that out. Heh heh heh.
Meanwhile, Piggy watches the show on the limo TV while Andy and Randy look at a map.
Miss Piggy Oh, Whoopi's doing great. She's killing out there. They may not even need me for the final number. Oh, I just hope Clifford doesn't figure that out. Hey, the studio's only three blocks from the airport –– what's taking so long?
Andy Well, we took a short cut.
Miss Piggy (looks around) Hey, we're in the desert! Don't tell me we're lost!
Randy Okay, we won't tell you.
Andy Yeah.
Vulture (JN) (perches on the window) Alright then, I'll tell you. You're lost. Hmm. And you might be lunch.
Music button.

"Once In a Lifetime"

Main stage. Clifford enters to applause.
Clifford Heh heh heh. Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo! Welcome back to Muppets Tonight. And now, for a special treat: here's Giganticus, the world's largest performance artist, singing ––
Gonzo Whoa, whoa, whoa, bad news, Clifford, bad news!
Clifford What's that?
Gonzo Giganticus just got beaten up by Super-Giganticus.
Clifford Well, what about his suit? We paid a fortune for that.
Gonzo Oh, don't worry. Kermit's gonna fill in for him.
Clifford This I gotta see.
They glance at the monitor. Kermit appears as David Byrne in a full-length music video of "Once in a Lifetime".
Switch to the nursing home.
Waldorf Same as it ever was.
Statler Same as it ever was.
Waldorf Yeah.
Both Terrible! (they chuckle)


A line of jacketed Kermits passes by Clifford.
Clifford Nice job, Kermit.
Kermit Thank you.
Clifford Nice job, Kermit.
Kermit #2 Thank you.
Clifford Nice job, Kermit.
Kermit #3 Thank you.
Clifford ... Man, that was weird.
Rizzo Oh, bad news, chief! Miss Piggy is still not here!
Clifford Oh, man, what are we gonna do?
They overhear the crowd chanting "Whoopi! Whoopi!"
Rizzo Oh, I don't know, and I can't concentrate with all those people yelling for Whoopi! ... Hey! Hey, that gives me an idea!
Clifford Yeah! Yeah, I think I'm with you.
Rizzo Yeah! Let's put on Bill the Bubble Guy! They'll love that!
Clifford Say what?
Whoopi emerges in a magician's outfit.
Whoopi Hey, hey, guys? I was checking out my car and I found a little something. I thought I might go out on stage and, you know, just warm up the crowd till Miss Piggy gets here.
Rizzo Oh.
Clifford Oh, that's a great idea, Whoopi!
Rizzo Yeah, but be careful. There's a tough bunch out there.
Whoopi Oh. I'll take my chances. Wish me luck, guys.

ROOCLUF Good luck.

Whoopi Thanks. Ha. (goes onstage)
Rizzo Heh. Now there goes a brave woman. Heh heh heh.
Clifford shakes his head and walks off.

Whoopi's act

Whoopi takes center stage and starts spinning plates on sticks.
Whoopi Hi, I'm Whoopi Goldberg, and ladies and gentlemen, it's time to dish! Music!
"Sabre Dance" plays as she spins.
Whoopi You know, my favorite groups are the Platters and the Spinners.
Genuine applause. Rizzo, Clifford and Fozzie watch from the wings.
Rizzo Ha!
Clifford Man, she is good!
Rizzo They love her!
Fozzie Yeah, the material is so fresh!
Rizzo Yeah!
Whoopi approaches them.
Whoopi (catches breath) How am I doing, guys?
Clifford You're doing great!
Fozzie Yeah, yeah!
Clifford Listen to 'em!
She hears the crowd chanting her name.
Rizzo (laughs)
Whoopi Just wait till you see this.
She goes back onstage and starts playing music on glasses.
Whoopi You know, people say they don't understand my act. But to me, it's crystal clear.
Genuine laughter and applause.
Whoopi And my mom always said, "Men don't make passes at girls who play glasses."
Genuine laughter and applause.
Whoopi I learned this song from Philip Glass. Get it? Fill up glass?
Genuine laughter and applause. Fozzie takes notes on a clipboard.
Fozzie Hey, what was that last line? Uh, "fill up glass" –– boy, she is a genius!
Rizzo Look what she's doing now!
She does gymnastics on a pair of ropes with ring handles.
Whoopi Look, I'm running rings around myself! Ha ha! Yeah! Whoo-ha! Thank you!
Genuine laughter and applause.
Fozzie "Rings around herself"! She's brilliant!
Clifford Aw, come on, Fozzie. You're funny too.
Fozzie Really?
Rizzo Oh, I hope she does karaoke next. That stuff just kills me! (laughs)
Clifford Yeah.
Fozzie (moans, facepalms)
Suspenseful music plays.
Whoopi Ladies and gentlemen, I will now do something never before performed by any human being. ... I ... will fly!
The music stops just as she's about to take off...
Rizzo Uh, excuse me, Whoopi, but you have a phone call over there. It's Miss Piggy.
Whoopi Oh. Cover me.
She exits smiling. Rizzo stammers as the music resumes.
Rizzo Uh, ladies and gentlemen, I will now do something never before performed by any rat. Uh ... I will ... fly.
Clifford hands her the phone.
Clifford Here you go, Whoop.
Whoopi Oh, thanks. Yeah, Piggy, what's up?
Miss Piggy (still in the limo) Whoopi, sweetie, now don't you panic. You've done the very best job you can to save this show. But failure is no shame, dear.
Whoopi That's sweet of you to say, Miss Piggy, but you know, the audience really seems to like me, so there's really no need for you to even hurry back. I'll just do the final number all by myself.
Miss Piggy You what?
Whoopi What? I'm losing you. I gotta get back to stage now. I'm flying, you know.
Miss Piggy What?
Whoopi She's gone!
She hangs up the phone. Rizzo flies, bumping into a nearby camera.
Whoopi You stole my act.
Rizzo (dazed) You can have it back. (faints)
Meanwhile, Piggy takes the wheel in the limo, having hog-tied Andy and Randy in the back.
Miss Piggy So! She's going to do the final number by herself, huh? Well, we'll see about that! It's pedal to the metal time, boys! (steps on the gas)

Closing number

Clifford takes center stage.
Clifford And now, Muppets Tonight proudly presents the moment you've all been waiting for, tonight's big musical number featuring none other than Miss Whoopi Goldberg!
Whoopi performs "Diamonds Are a Girl's Best Friend", backed by the penguins. Midway, Piggy barges through the control room toward the stage, bumping into everyone in her path.
Miss Piggy Watch out! Coming through!
As the first verse ends, Piggy arrives onstage and shoos the penguins away. The band pauses.
Miss Piggy Move it, penguins! This is my number! And there's no way you're taking it from me!
Whoopi Oh, but Piggy! Piggy! I don't want to take this number away from you!
Miss Piggy Ha!
Whoopi I wanted to perform with the world's greatest living female performer!
Miss Piggy (giggles) Well! If you put it that way ...
Whoopi Yes! Streisand!
Miss Piggy WHAT?!
Whoopi (laughs) Just kidding! Come on. Let's show 'em what we got!
Miss Piggy Alright!
The band resumes playing; Whoopi and Piggy finish the song together. Applause.
Whoopi Oh, you're fabulous! Thank you!
Miss Piggy Thank you! Thank you!
Clifford Hey, give it up! Give it up! Give it up! Well, what do you know? It all came together, thanks to our special guest, Whoopi Goldberg!
Whoopi Thank you! And of course, to Miss Piggy!
Miss Piggy Aww! Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you! That's so sweet. And I see you kept my fabulous hairstyle.
Whoopi Yes, it's helped me many many times, and I owe it all to you.
Miss Piggy Of course you do, dear. Now, say goodnight. I got a plane to catch.
Whoopi Goodnight!
Enter Andy and Randy.
Andy We'll drive you to the airport, Aunt Piggy! (Randy nods)
Miss Piggy OH NO!! I'll walk! (runs away)
Andy & Randy Oh, we'll walk with you! (they follow her)
Whoopi Goodnight!
Clifford Goodnight, everybody! Goodnight! Thanks, Whoopi.
Whoopi gives him a kiss. Applause as the penguins join them. Whoopi bats the penguins away.
Whoopi Hey! Stop that!
Clifford What's wrong with you?
Randy Have you seen Miss Piggy? Where's Miss Piggy?


On a plane, Piggy relaxes in her seat with a copy of William Shatner's Man O'War.
Miss Piggy Hoo! Boy, I'm glad THAT show's over! (sigh)
She glances out her window and sees a demon eating the plane's wing. She screams.
Miss Piggy There's a creature on the wing! It's tearing the plane apart! Someone help! Don't you see it?
William Shatner, sitting next to her, muses ...
William Oh, it's that guy. I've been compalining about him for years. Nobody does anything about it. That's a really interesting book you're reading.
Miss Piggy (panicking) Yeah, yeah, it is, yeah ...
William The audio version of that book is really entertaining too. I did it myself, on tape, I mean. We wanted Buddy Hackett to do it, but he was too expensive. (chuckles)
Miss Piggy Fine, fine! Stewardess?! Anybody?
William Would you like me to autograph that book for you? Shall I make it out to Babe?
Miss Piggy What?
William There's a wonderful part in that book for you.
Miss Piggy (screams) Get me outta here!
William Space Captain Pig, I think. There's a –– there's a lot of crime, a lot of screaming ...
Music button. The credits roll, with outtakes of the scene with Johnny, Sal and Clifford.
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