The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 111: Lena Horne.
Theme[]
Kermit appears in the show's O. | |
Kermit | It's The Muppet Show, with our special guest star, Miss Lena Horne! Whoo! |
The banner rises, and the theme begins. | |
Chorus girls |
It's time to play the music |
Male chorus |
It's time to put on makeup |
The curtain opens on Fozzie. | |
Fozzie | Uh, I bet on a horse that came in so late, they had to pay the jockey time and a half. Aaaahhh. |
The curtain closes. | |
Kermit |
To introduce our guest star, |
Muppets gather around Lena as Rowlf sits at the piano. | |
Kermit | But now let's get things started |
Kermit & gang |
On the most sensational, inspirational |
The gong sounds like a foghorn when Gonzo hits it. |
Opening number[]
Main stage. Kermit enters to applause. | |
Kermit | Thank you, thank you, thank you. And good evening, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, and dogs and frogs, and pigs and chickens, and welcome to The Muppet Show. Hey, we are particularly happy tonight to have with us as our special guest star, the talented, the beautiful and the indefatigable Miss, Lena Horne. But right now, we're gonna start off the show with an act that was discovered by George our janitor. And here it is, right from the cleaning room into your living room, The Ragg Mopps! |
A chorus of Muppet mops perform "Rag Mop." | |
George the Janitor | Yeah. Now, that's my kind of act. |
Applause. | |
Statler | Well, that kind of act only comes once in a lifetime. |
Waldorf | If you're lucky. |
Statler | Heh heh. |
Backstage[]
"I Got a Name"[]
Main stage. Kermit enters. | |
Kermit | And now it is my great pleasure to present a performer whose name is synonymous with style, taste and talent, the incredible Miss Lena Horne. |
Open on a railroad station setting. Muppy walks down the track, then walks up to Lena. Lena sings "I Got a Name" with the Muppets. | |
Waldorf | Oh, I could listen to her sing till the end of time. |
Statler | She doesn't sing that. Not her style. No. |
Waldorf | No, no, no, I mean I could listen to her sing forever. |
Statler | No, she doesn't sing that either. |
Waldorf | Why don't you just check yourself into the old fools' home while they still have a bed left? |
Backstage[]
Muppet newsflash[]
At the Dance[]
UK spot[]
Zoot and Rowlf play the "Theme from Love Story." Rowlf sobs towards the end. |
Talk spot[]
Kermit | Hey Lena, you know, we are so pleased to have you with us on the show tonight. You have long been one of our favorites. |
Lena | Oh, thank you. And I'm a big fan of you and the Muppets, Kermit. |
Kermit | Oh, well, that makes us all very happy, because we on the — we… |
He notices Fozzie, peering from the other side. | |
Fozzie | Psst. Psst. Psst. Psst. Hoo-ha. Hoo-ha. |
Kermit | Fozzie. Excuse me a minute. |
Fozzie | Hoo-ha. Hoo-ha, hoo-ha. |
Kermit | Fozzie, what is it? |
Fozzie | (standoffish) What is it? It's "us" and "we" and "ours." But only you, the frog, get to talk to the guest star. Ho-ho. |
Kermit | Well, Fozzie, see, I'm speaking for everybody. |
Fozzie | Oh, sure, sure. But, but the guest stars only get to know you. Not me. Humph! |
Kermit | Yeah, but um … |
Fozzie | That's right. That's right. Ha, you know, they will never know that I am a great comedian. And, and they will never know that, that my family was in show business. And and that I'm sensitive, intelligent, and - yes, I'll even say it — talented. |
Kermit | Well, look, Fozzie, it's just that... |
Lena | Excuse me, um, but aren't you Fozzie Bear, the great comedian? |
Fozzie | (takes off his hat) What? |
Lena | Yes. A sensitive and intelligent person like you must be a great comedian. |
Fozzie | Oh. |
Kermit | See? There you are, Fozzie, huh? |
Fozzie | Wow. You mean, you actually know me? |
Lena | Listen, when you've made a name for yourself in show business, everybody knows you, so it's it's only natural that I would know the great Fozzie Bear. |
Fozzie | Ah. |
Kermit | Sure. Just as it's only natural that you would know Lena Horne. |
Fozzie | Oh — Lena Horne? Oh, I love Lena Horne. Yes, she's terrific, I mean, she's great. (to Lena) Don't you? |
Lena | Yeah, I think she's terrific and great too. |
Fozzie | Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, she's gonna be a guest on our show one of these weeks. Mm-hm. |
Kermit | Uh, Fozzie, uh, she is a guest. This week. |
Fozzie | She — hubba- — she's a guest this week? On this show here? |
Kermit | Yes. Mm-hm. |
Fozzie | Oh, wow, wow. That's great. I don't wanna miss Lena Horne. (to Lena) Are you gonna stick around and see her? |
Lena | I might just do that. |
Fozzie | Oh, yeah. I, uh, I didn't get your name. |
Lena | Day. Doris Day. |
Fozzie | (to Kermit) Cute. Cute name. (to Lena) You know, with a name like that, you should be in show business. |
Kermit | (blows his top) FOZZIE, WILL YOU GET OUTTA HERE?? |
Fozzie | I'll wait for you outside, Miss Day. (exits) |
Kermit | I'm sorry about that, Lena. Sometimes he's just un-bear-able. |
Lena | Cute. Cute joke. |