The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 113: Bruce Forsyth.
Theme[]
Kermit appears in the show's O. | |
Kermit | It's The Muppet Show, with our special guest star, Mr. Bruce Forsyth! |
The banner rises, and the theme begins. | |
Chorus girls |
It's time to play the music |
Male chorus |
It's time to put on makeup |
The curtain opens on Fozzie. | |
Fozzie | Hey, question. If a man born in Poland is a Pole, is a man born in Holland a Hole? Think about it. |
The audience laughs. The curtain closes. | |
Kermit |
To introduce our guest star, |
Bruce grins as Muppets surround him. | |
Kermit | But now let's get things started |
Kermit & gang |
On the most sensational, inspirational |
Gonzo hits the O, and it shatters. |
Opening number[]
Main stage. Kermit enters to applause. | |
Kermit | Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, thank you. Hello, hello, hello. And if I sound a little British tonight, it's because our special guest star is one of England's truly great performers, Mr. Bruce Forsyth. He sings, dances, plays the piano, tells jokes — in fact he's a one-man variety show, and we're really pleased he's with us. But right now, let's kick things off with a new musical group we call the Snerfs. The Snerfs? (shrugs) |
The Snerfs dance to "In a Little Spanish Town". | |
Waldorf | Well, now I've seen everything. |
Statler | Good! Can we leave? |
Backstage[]
"All I Need Is the Girl"[]
Backstage[]
At the Dance[]
UK Spot[]
The Gogolala Jubilee Jugband sings "I'm My Own Grandpaw." |
Talk Spot[]
Backstage[]
Wayne and Wanda[]
Backstage[]
Fozzie and Bruce's comedy act[]
Main stage. Kermit enters. | |
Kermit | OK, ladies and gentlemen. Uh, tonight we thought we'd give Fozzie Bear a rest … |
Statler | You're not giving him a rest, you're giving us a rest. |
He and Waldorf chuckle. Kermit scowls. | |
Kermit | Yeah. OK, uh, be that as it may, substituting for Fozzie tonight is our special guest star Mr. Bruce Forsyth. |
The curtain opens to Fonzie's fanfare. Bruce takes the stage. | |
Bruce | Thank you so much. Thank you. And may I say, you look a wonderful audience. |
Waldorf | Don't be too sure. We haven't heard your jokes yet. |
They chuckle. | |
Bruce | Sir, you're old enough to have heard my jokes, Bob Hope's jokes and Milton Berle's. In fact, if you've heard Milton Berle's jokes, you've heard everybody's jokes. |
Statler | Same old stuff. We want new blood! |
Bruce | Yeah, well, you certainly look as though you could use some. Why don't you go to the blood bank and cash an artery? |
Waldorf | Good. Good stuff. |
Statler | Well, I've heard better. |
Bruce | I'm sure you have, sir. In fact, at your age you're lucky you can hear at all. (laughs) Only kidding. Only kidding. You've probably got a great sense of humor. In fact, I know you have. I saw your wife outside. |
Waldorf | (laughs) |
Statler | Oh. Oh, he's burying me. He's burying me. |
Bruce | All right. But you know, one thing I like about our two countries at the moment is we do have this cultural exchange going on. I mean, we send you lots of our drama shows like Upstairs, Downstairs, The Six Wives of Henry VIII, um, The Forsyth Saga - and by the way, I thought Eric Porter played my life brilliantly. Ha. I was going to play the part myself, but they said I wasn't the type. And uh, then of course you send us your drama shows like Columbo, Starsky & Hutch, Police Woman. They're not Shakespeare perhaps, but just as violent. Haha. By the way, thank you for Kojak. He's made such a big hit in our country. He's such a sportsman. Goes to Scotland, plays golf, and he's also a good tenpin bowler — got the head for it. But he gets very annoyed at the bowling alley 'cause people keep sticking their fingers up his nose. (laughs) Got to be a split. Anyway, don't let's talk about him. Let's get back to me. Ladies and gentlemen — |
Fozzie | Excuse me, uh, Mr. Forsyth. |
Bruce | Oh, please, please call me Bruce. |
Fozzie | Oh! |
Bruce | Ladies and gentlemen, the one and only Fozzie Bear. Hey hey! |
Waldorf | Yeah, thank heavens there's only one. |
They chuckle. | |
Fozzie | Aw. See — see those guys up there? The minute I come out, they start up. |
Bruce | Don't worry. Don't worry. |
Fozzie | They do. They do. |
Bruce | Do you see the box they're in? |
Fozzie | Yeah. |
Bruce | I may decide to bury them together. |
Waldorf | (laughs) |
Fozzie | Oh! Oh, that's — boy, see how he handles them? See? I was, I was watching in the wings over there. |
Statler | Yeah, well, why don't you flap them and fly outta here? (they chuckle) |
Fozzie | Ho, ho! |
Bruce | Look, you can handle those two. |
Fozzie | Well … |
Bruce | You can do it. All you need, all you need is a bit of pacing, a bit of timing. |
Fozzie | Yeah? |
Bruce | The right retort. The right line. |
Fozzie | Oh? |
Statler | Oh, he couldn't throw a line to a drowning man. |
They chuckle. | |
Fozzie | Uh … Uh … |
Bruce | Go on. |
Fozzie | OK, uh … do you mind? We work alone. That is, uh, unless we work together. How's that? |
Bruce | A little soft, Fozzie. |
Fozzie | Awww. |
Bruce | (points to his own neck) Go for the jugular vein, there. Go right in. |
Fozzie | Right there? OK. |
Bruce | Go on, yeah. |
Fozzie | Uh, Uh — Oh! Oh! Uh, hey, is that a suit you're wearing? It's a nice one, yeah, but won't your wife notice the hole in the living-room rug? (rimshot) |
Bruce | That's good. Now you're rolling. Go in for the kill. Go in for the kill. |
Fozzie | Hey, that's some nose you got there, buster. Why don't you rent yourself out as an anteater? (rimshot) |
Bruce | I like it. |
Fozzie | Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. |
Bruce | Quit while you're ahead. Quit while you're ahead. |
Fozzie | You call that a head? I've seen better heads on cabbages. (rimshot) |
Bruce | (concerned) You don't want to lose your audience. |
Fozzie | You — you call that an audience? It looks more like an oil painting. (rimshot) Aah! |
Bruce | You've got 'em! Believe me, you've got 'em! |
Fozzie | Got 'em? Who wants 'em? Who wants 'em? |
Statler and Waldorf wave a white flag. | |
Statler | No, no! Enough, enough! |
Waldorf | We surrender! We surrender! |
Statler | No more, no more! |
Bruce | You did it, Fozzie! |
Fozzie | (overjoyed) Ah! I did! Bruce, I did it. Oh, I did it! I did! Oh! Oh! Oh! Bruce, this is the happiest moment of my life! Oh, just, just learning from a pro like you. Working side by side with one of the greats. |
Music swells up. | |
Bruce | You even learned how to cue the big musical finish to the comedy spot. You did. |
Fozzie | Yeah? |
Bruce | Yeah. |
Fozzie | All right. |
Bruce | (sings) Oh, we ain't got a barrel of money. |
Fozzie | (sings) Maybe we're ragged and … funny! |
Fozzie and Bruce | But we travel along, singing a song … |
Fozzie | Thank you, Mr. Forsyth. |
Bruce | It's my pleasure, Mr. Bear. |
Fozzie | Hey! |
Fozzie and Bruce |
We travel along, singing a song, |
Fozzie wiggles his ears as Bruce waves his hands. | |
Bruce | I like the ears. Keep the ears going. They love it. Listen to that. |
The curtain closes. Fozzie re-emerges, while Bruce tries to restrain him. | |
Fozzie | Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. |