It's The Muppet Show, with our special guest star, Miss Sandy Duncan!
The banner rises, and the theme begins.
Chorus girls
It's time to play the music It's time to light the lights It's time to meet the Muppets On The Muppet Show tonight!
Male chorus
It's time to put on makeup It's time to dress up right It's time to raise the curtain On The Muppet Show tonight!
The curtain opens on Fozzie.
Fozzie
Hey, we were so poor, I was born at home. After my mother saw me, she went to the hospital.
The audience laughs. The curtain closes.
Kermit
To introduce our guest star, That's what I'm here to do! So it really makes me happy To introduce to you —
Miss Sandy Duncan!
The curtain opens on Sandy, on the set for the opening number.
Kermit
But now let's get things started
Kermit & gang
On the most sensational, inspirational Celebrational, Muppetational This is what we call The Muppet Show!
Gonzo accidentally drops his mallet, and so hits the gong with his head.
Opening number
Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit
Thank you, thank you, thank you. Hi-ho. I'm in a great mood tonight, and that's because our special guest star is a real good friend and a lovely lady - Miss Sandy Duncan. And so that means our show tonight should be a real bang-up affair …
Enter Crazy Harry, holding a detonator.
Crazy Harry
Did somebody say "bang"?
Kermit
Uh, no.
BOOM! Harry sets off an explosion which sends Kermit flying into the balcony with Statler and Waldorf.
Kermit
(looks down) Wow. I've always wondered what the show looked like from up here. In any event, let's start off the show with a musical number that was staged by our own gofer, Scooter. It could be a bomb, but uh —
Crazy Harry
Did somebody say "bomb"?
Kermit
Oh no!
BOOM! Harry sets off another explosion and laughs. Fozzie waves his way through the smoke as he comes on stage.
Fozzie
Wow. Heh. Well, somebody's gotta introduce our guest star, so it might as well be the old Fozzie. OK. Here she is, a star who does it all. She sings, she dances, she acts and she makes you feel good all over. Miss Sandy Duncan!
Sandy performs "A Nice Girl Like Me," singing and dancing in a bar with several monsters. The Electric Mayhem plays backup.
Waldorf
Bravo! Bravo!
Statler
Mm. Wonderful.
Waldorf
Fantastic.
Statler
Tremendous. Yeah, you know, she makes me feel like a young boy. Heh.
Waldorf
Yeah, she makes me feel like a young girl. I think I'll go find one. (exits)
Statler
(laughs)
Backstage
Fozzie
Oh, where is that handsome frog? Oh, there you are, old frog friend.
Kermit
What?
Fozzie
Would you lend me a fiver till payday?
Kermit
Fozzie, you already owe me five.
Fozzie
(begs) Oh, please, please, I know it, but I gotta pay my writer, the legendary Gags Beasley.
Kermit
The legendary Gags comes pretty cheap, doesn't he?
Fozzie
Well, uh, we worked out a good deal.
Kermit
You pay him by the line?
Fozzie
No, I pay him by the laugh.
Kermit
Oh. Then he owes you money. (chuckles, exits)
Fozzie
Oh, that was cute. That was real cute, Frog!
The Swedish Chef
The Chef dances with a spatula and a spoon as he sings his theme song.
Swedish Chef
(sings in mock Swedish) … Børk børk børk!
He tosses them.
Swedish Chef
De spøøns. … (mock Swedish) … de møøfïn. Sëe de møøfïn? (displays a gun) … the bøømå shøøtïn. (mock Swedish)
He throws up the muffin and shoots it. The muffin lands with a hole in it. He does the same with two more.
Swedish Chef
(mock Swedish) … Dønüt.
Fozzie's comedy act / Backstage
Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit
OK! Right now it's time for our own king of comedy. You've no doubt heard the expression "the next act needs no introduction" …
Statler
Yeah, you're right. He doesn't need an introduction. He needs an act. (laughs with Waldorf)
Kermit
In your opinion, maybe, but Fozzie Bear gets over 200 letters a week.
Statler
Mm-hmm, yeah, but if he paid his bills, he wouldn't get any. (laughs with Waldorf)
Kermit
I'll let Fozzie handle you guys. Here he is now, one of your favorites and I'm sure one of his - Mr. Fozzie Bear!
The curtain opens as Fozzie's fanfare plays.
Fozzie
Hey! Thank you, thank you, thank you and thank you! Hey, love you. Oh, look out, I've got some great ones for you tonight! Hey, my wife loves children, but I can't bear them. Huh? Huh? Hey, we got three kids - one of each. (wiggles his ears) Haaaaa! Oh, I'm rolling now. I'm on a roll. I'm on a roll!
Waldorf
Yeah? Well, why don't you butter yourself and slip on out of here?
Statler
(laughs)
Fozzie
Speaking of slipping, are you guys familiar with the banana sketch?
Statler
Oh, nice segueway.
Waldorf
Smooth.
Statler
Good blend. (they nod)
Fozzie
Hey, hey. These two bananas are walking down the street, and one banana says…
Meanwhile, backstage…
Hilda
Listen to Fozzie. Oh! He has them eating right out from his hand.
Kermit
Well, he's got a new writer - Gags Beasley.
Scooter
Not the legendary Gags Beasley?
Kermit
You mean, you've heard of him?
Scooter
Well, who hasn't?
Kermit
Me, for one.
Exit Scooter.
Hilda
But Gags Beasley, he is to comedy what Mozart was to music. He wrote the famous banana sketch. (giggles)
Kermit
The banana sketch. What's the banana sketch?
Hilda
You never heard of the banana sketch? But it's the funniest … (laughs)
Fozzie comes backstage as his fanfare plays.
Fozzie
Oh, hear that? Oh, boy. I killed 'em. Oh, boy.
Kermit
Great, great.
Fozzie
Yeah. I closed with the banana sketch, you know?
Kermit
Fozzie, what is the banana sketch?!
Fozzie
(a beat)You never heard of the banana sketch?
Kermit
(frowns)
Fozzie
Hey guys! Hey, Kermit never heard of the banana sketch! (exits)
Kermit
I think somebody's pulling my leg. (looks down) Somebody is pulling my leg. It's The Great Gonzo.
Gonzo
You never heard of the banana sketch? (laughs)
Kermit
Will you cut that out! (exit Gonzo) Yeesh.
At the Dance
Couples tango in a ballroom. George tangos with Mildred.
Mildred
You know, when I was in London, I saw them changing the guards.
George the Janitor
Why? Were they dirty?
It takes two pigs to tango.
Male pig
Where'd you say you were born?
Female pig
In Paris.
Male pig
Oh. How'd you do that?
Female pig
The usual way.
Rowlf tangos with a woman.
Rowlf
My cousin lives in the desert, and boy, can he run fast.
Woman
'Cause the sand is so hot?
Rowlf
No, 'cause the trees are so far apart.
A rabbit and a woman do the tango-hop.
Rabbit
Do you remember where we first met?
Woman 2
Yeah. At the hop.
Animal tangos with another woman.
Animal
Haaaahhh. You know, I'm falling for you.
Woman 3
What can I do?
Animal
Get out of the way! AAAAHHH!
Plop! He falls forward. He gets up and does it again.
Animal
Wanna join me?
Woman 3
Yeah.
Plop! They both fall forward.
Animal
Backwards!
Plop! They both fall backwards.
Animal
Excuse me. Sideways.
Plop! They both fall sideways.
Woman 3
Oh, that was fun.
Inner Beauty
Open on an outdoor patio. Sandy passes by the fountain and spots Sweetums sitting on a bench, sobbing. She walks up to him.
Sandy
Excuse me. Pardon me.
Sweetums
Huh? You talkin' to me?
Sandy
Yes. I couldn't help noticing that you're crying.
Sweetums
Of course I'm crying. I feel sad. I mean, wouldn't you feel sad if you looked like me?
Sandy
(sits down next to him) I don't think there's anything the matter with the way you look.
Sweetums
Oh, you're just saying that to be nice.
Sandy
No.
Sweetums
No. I mean, I'm a big, huge, hairy lump, and I scare people. Every time I walk in this park, people yell, "Police!" They cry, "Monster!" Mothers grab their children and little dogs run away, and— and flowers wilt.
Sandy
Oh, now, come on, I think you're exaggerating just a bit, aren't you?
Sweetums
Oh, yeah? Well, watch this. (turns to a flower) Hello, flower. (the flower droops) See?
Sandy
Yeah. Gee …
Sweetums
And then see this dog over here?
Sandy
Uh-huh.
Enter Muppy.
Sweetums
Hello, doggy.
Muppy gnaws on Sweetums' hand, then walks off.
Sandy
Well — but I'm not running away. I'm not calling the police, and I don't think you're a big lump. So there.
Sweetums
It's true. You're not. A beautiful lady like you takes the time to sit down and talk to me?
Sandy
Yeah, I — I just don't like seeing people cry. I think there's too much sadness in the world. You know what, if people just took a little time to look past the physical … they might find a lot of beautiful things about you.
Sweetums
Oh! (blushes) I feel so good, so — so loved, so — so beautiful!
Sandy
You see? If we feel beautiful, we are beautiful.
Sweetums
(stands up) Oh, I feel beautiful! (Sandy hugs him) Hello, flower. (the flower stands up) Hello, doggy! (Muppy licks his hand) I feel beautiful! (scats, with a spring in his step) Hello, fountain. Oh, thank you, beautiful lady.
Sandy
You're welcome.
Sweetums
(trots away) Hello, pavement. Hello, grass.
Sandy walks to another bench, and encounters Behemoth.
Sandy
Oh, my. You mustn't look so sad. Oh.
Sandy
I know that that you may appear to be, on the outside, ugly, but inside, I'll bet that you are as beautiful as a morning sunrise.
Mary Louise rides through the swamp on a crocodile.
Mary Louise
Hi, everybody!
Frogs
Hi there!
The croc devours a frog.
Mary Louise
Oh dear. I should have warned him —
Never smile at a crocodile. No, you can't get friendly with a crocodile. Don't be taken in by his welcome grin. He's imagining how well you'd fit within his skin.
The croc devours another frog.
Mary Louise
Never smile at a crocodile. Never tip your hat and stop to talk awhile. Never run, walk away, say good-night, not good-day.
Mary & frogs
Clear the aisle but never smile at Mister Crocodile.
Mary Louise
You may very well be well bred. Lots of etiquette in your head. But there's always some special case, time or place To forget etiquette. For instance:
Frogs
Never smile at a crocodile. No, you can't get friendly with a crocodile.
Crocodile
Don't be taken in by my welcome grin I'm imagining how well you'd fit within my skin…
Frogs
Never smile at a crocodile. Never tip your hat and stop to talk awhile.
Mary Louise
Never run, walk away. Say good-night, not good-day.
Frog (RH)
(hops out of croc's mouth) Good night!
Frog (JL)
(hops out of croc's mouth) Good night!
Frogs
Clear the aisle but never smile at Mister Crocodile.
Crocodile
Maybe I could meet you guys tomorrow for lunch?
The frogs disperse. Applause.
Talk Spot
Kermit
Hey, y'know, Sandy, it's nice for the two of us just to have a moment alone to talk.
Sandy
Yeah. I enjoy it, yeah.
Fozzie
Heyyy, Sandy. Heyyy, Kermit.
Kermit
Yeah, hi, Fozzie.
Sandy
(giggling) Hi, Fozzie.
Fozzie
Hi. Oh, boy, do I have good news.
Kermit
You can't stay long? (Sandy giggles)
Fozzie
No. No, I got plen — I got plenty of time.
Kermit
Well, that's bad news. What's the good news?
Fozzie
Okay, Frog, see, the good news is, that I have a great idea for — for a sketch… for both of us to play.
Sandy
Oh.
Kermit
You want to do a sketch with me?
Fozzie
No, not you. With Sandy. Yeah.
Sandy
With me? Oh, that's a — Well, that sounds great, Fozzie.
Fozzie
Yeah.
Sandy
Who wrote your sketch?
Fozzie
Oh, my writer, the legendary … (takes off hat) … Gags Beasley.
Sandy
Oh, come on, Fozzie. Gags Beasley is your writer?
Fozzie
"Come on?" … You — you know him?
They both stammer excitedly.
Sandy
Of course I know him. I mean — Gags Beasley! He wrote the famous banana sketch.
Fozzie
That's right!
Kermit
Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Not you, too, Sandy.
Sandy
Huh?
Kermit
Well, tell me, what is this banana sketch?
Sandy
Heh — you never heard of it? Come on, Kermit. Everybody's heard of the banana sketch.
Fozzie
I told you, Kermit. (puts his hat back on)
Sandy
You know something?
Fozzie
What?
Sandy
Gags Beasley. I can't believe he's your writer.
Fozzie
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Sandy
You know something? I am impressed, Fozzie. Really impressed.
Fozzie
Mm-hmm.
Sandy
Yeah.
Kermit
It — it's a real classic, this banana sketch?
Sandy
Yeah.
Kermit
And it was written by Gags Beasley?
Sandy
Yeah.
Kermit
How does it go there, Sandy?
Sandy
Well, I mean, "Gags," "banana." The words - synonymous, right?
Fozzie
Right.
Kermit
You can say that again. I gag every time I hear about this sketch.
Sandy
Fozzie, I could just be thinking about the banana sketch, and I start to crack up. (laughs)
Fozzie
Me too. (laughs)
Sandy
Do you? Does it make you laugh?
Fozzie
Oh, stop.
Sandy
Listen, hey, Fozzie —
Fozzie
What? What? What?
Sandy
Do you use a green banana or a yellow one?
Fozzie
Oh, yellow. Yellow.
Sandy cracks up and so does Fozzie.
Sandy
A yellow one! I love it!
Kermit
Hey, wait, wait. Hold, hold on. Wait a minute! Wait a minute! Wait a minute! Wait a minute! Hold! Hold! Hold. Hold. Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
Sandy
I'm sorry.
Kermit
Sandy. Sandy, please, please, pretty please. Sandy, with sugar on it, pretty please.
Sandy
What?
Kermit
What is the banana sketch?
Fozzie
Go on, tell him. Go ahead, tell him. Tell him. Tell him.
Sandy
(to Fozzie) You wanna tell him?
Fozzie
You tell him. You tell him. You tell him.
Sandy
Okay, I'm gonna try.
Fozzie
Yeah?
Sandy
Okay. Well, all right. All right.
Sandy and Fozzie are barely able to hold their laughter.
Sandy
Like, these two banan — These two bananas … are walking down the str … I can't stand it. It hurts to laugh.
Waldorf
Tell me the truth, Statler. Do you get the banana sketch?
Statler
No. I get The New York Times and the Manchester Guardian.
Waldorf
Sorry I asked.
Muppet Newsflash
Newsman
Here's a Muppet news flash. (runs to the desk) Dateline, Dallas, Texas. Mrs. Billie Lee Bonkers of that city recently entered the Guinness Book of Records by establishing the world jumping-in-place record. Mrs. Bonkers began jumping in place three months ago and so far has jumped 652,000 times.
Sandy
652,001. (jumps)
Newsman
Mrs. Bonkers…
Sandy
652,002. (jumps)
Newsman
Uh, Mrs. Bonkers, do you need any special incentive to keep you going?
Zoom in on her.
Sandy
Oh, my, no. I have all the incentive that I need.
Newsman
Uh, how's that?
Sandy
I am standing on a hot plate. Ahh! Ooh! Ohh! 652,003! (jumps)
Newsman
Truly a courageous and inspiring story. (picks up the phone) Where do we get these nuts? (scowls)
Backstage
Kermit
(through the intercom) Okay, stand by for Veterinarian's Hospital. Veterinarian's Hospital.
Rowlf and Janice go onstage.
Miss Piggy
Oh, frog of my life, please tell me what they're saying about you is not true.
Kermit
What's that, Piggy?
Miss Piggy
That you, you — host of a television show, veteran of the boards — you have never heard of the banana sketch?
Kermit
Uh, Piggy, uh, said the frog, trying to refrain from losing his cool and looking like a bad sport … THERE IS NO BANANA SKETCH! THERE NEVER WAS A BANANA SKETCH AND THERE NEVER WILL BE A BANANA SKETCH! (hyperventilates)
Miss Piggy
Touchy, touchy. (goes onstage)
Banana
Hey, which way to my dressing room? And don't try to shove me into the refrigerator.
Kermit breaks down in tears.
Veterinarian's Hospital
Piggy checks her hair, looks around, then walks to the operating table where the patient lies.
Announcer
And now, Veterinarian's Hospital, the continuing stooory of a former orthopedic surgeon who's gone to the dogs.
Rowlf blows his nose.
Miss Piggy
Well, what do you think, Dr. Bob? This is your first transplant.
Rowlf
Well, there's always a second chance. (laughs)
Janice
But uh, what if he doesn't make it, Dr. Bob?
Rowlf
I don't mean him. I mean me. Let me check into something.
Rowlf
Huh. The old ticker still sounds great.
Miss Piggy
Oh, you mean, his new heart is fine?
Rowlf
No. I mean my new watch. I dropped it in when I was sewing him up. (laughs)
Announcer
So Dr. Bob dropped his watch in the patient's chest. Tune in next week, when we'll hear Dr. Bob say…
Rowlf
Well, let's look on the bright side. At least if he doesn't make it, we'll know the exact time he went.
They all laugh.
Waldorf
That's wonderful, wonderful, right, Statler?
He notices Statler's not there. He looks over the balcony.
