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The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 114: Sandy Duncan.


Kermit appears in the show's O.
Kermit It's The Muppet Show, with our special guest star, Miss Sandy Duncan!
The banner rises, and the theme begins.
Chorus girls

It's time to play the music
It's time to light the lights
It's time to meet the Muppets
On The Muppet Show tonight!

Male chorus

It's time to put on makeup
It's time to dress up right
It's time to raise the curtain
On The Muppet Show tonight!

The curtain opens on Fozzie.
Fozzie Hey, we were so poor, I was born at home. After my mother saw me, she went to the hospital.
The audience laughs. The curtain closes.

To introduce our guest star,
That's what I'm here to do!
So it really makes me happy
To introduce to you —
Miss Sandy Duncan!

The curtain opens on Sandy, on the set for the opening number.
Kermit But now let's get things started
Kermit & gang

On the most sensational, inspirational
Celebrational, Muppetational
This is what we call The Muppet Show!

Gonzo accidentally drops his mallet, and so hits the gong with his head.

Opening number

Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit Thank you, thank you, thank you. Hi-ho. I'm in a great mood tonight, and that's because our special guest star is a real good friend and a lovely lady - Miss Sandy Duncan. And so that means our show tonight should be a real bang-up affair …
Enter Crazy Harry, holding a detonator.
Crazy Harry Did somebody say "bang"?
Kermit Uh, no.
BOOM! Harry sets off an explosion which sends Kermit flying into the balcony with Statler and Waldorf.
Kermit (looks down) Wow. I've always wondered what the show looked like from up here. In any event, let's start off the show with a musical number that was staged by our own gofer, Scooter. It could be a bomb, but uh —
Crazy Harry Did somebody say "bomb"?
Kermit Oh no!
BOOM! Harry sets off another explosion and laughs. Fozzie waves his way through the smoke as he comes on stage.
Fozzie Wow. Heh. Well, somebody's gotta introduce our guest star, so it might as well be the old Fozzie. OK. Here she is, a star who does it all. She sings, she dances, she acts and she makes you feel good all over. Miss Sandy Duncan!
Sandy performs "A Nice Girl Like Me," singing and dancing in a bar with several monsters. The Electric Mayhem plays backup.
Waldorf Bravo! Bravo!
Statler Mm. Wonderful.
Waldorf Fantastic.
Statler Tremendous. Yeah, you know, she makes me feel like a young boy. Heh.
Waldorf Yeah, she makes me feel like a young girl. I think I'll go find one. (exits)
Statler (laughs)


Fozzie Oh, where is that handsome frog? Oh, there you are, old frog friend.
Kermit What?
Fozzie Would you lend me a fiver till payday?
Kermit Fozzie, you already owe me five.
Fozzie (begs) Oh, please, please, I know it, but I gotta pay my writer, the legendary Gags Beasley.
Kermit The legendary Gags comes pretty cheap, doesn't he?
Fozzie Well, uh, we worked out a good deal.
Kermit You pay him by the line?
Fozzie No, I pay him by the laugh.
Kermit Oh. Then he owes you money. (chuckles, exits)
Fozzie Oh, that was cute. That was real cute, Frog!

The Swedish Chef

The Chef dances with a spatula and a spoon as he sings his theme song.
Swedish Chef (sings in mock Swedish) … Børk børk børk!
He tosses them.
Swedish Chef De spøøns. … (mock Swedish) … de møøfïn. Sëe de møøfïn? (displays a gun) … the bøømå shøøtïn. (mock Swedish)
He throws up the muffin and shoots it. The muffin lands with a hole in it. He does the same with two more.
Swedish Chef (mock Swedish) … Dønüt.

Fozzie's comedy act / Backstage

Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit OK! Right now it's time for our own king of comedy. You've no doubt heard the expression "the next act needs no introduction" …
Statler Yeah, you're right. He doesn't need an introduction. He needs an act. (laughs with Waldorf)
Kermit In your opinion, maybe, but Fozzie Bear gets over 200 letters a week.
Statler Mm-hmm, yeah, but if he paid his bills, he wouldn't get any. (laughs with Waldorf)
Kermit I'll let Fozzie handle you guys. Here he is now, one of your favorites and I'm sure one of his - Mr. Fozzie Bear!
The curtain opens as Fozzie's fanfare plays.
Fozzie Hey! Thank you, thank you, thank you and thank you! Hey, love you. Oh, look out, I've got some great ones for you tonight! Hey, my wife loves children, but I can't bear them. Huh? Huh? Hey, we got three kids - one of each. (wiggles his ears) Haaaaa! Oh, I'm rolling now. I'm on a roll. I'm on a roll!
Waldorf Yeah? Well, why don't you butter yourself and slip on out of here?
Statler (laughs)
Fozzie Speaking of slipping, are you guys familiar with the banana sketch?
Statler Oh, nice segueway.
Waldorf Smooth.
Statler Good blend. (they nod)
Fozzie Hey, hey. These two bananas are walking down the street, and one banana says…
Meanwhile, backstage…
Hilda Listen to Fozzie. Oh! He has them eating right out from his hand.
Kermit Well, he's got a new writer - Gags Beasley.
Scooter Not the legendary Gags Beasley?
Kermit You mean, you've heard of him?
Scooter Well, who hasn't?
Kermit Me, for one.
Exit Scooter.
Hilda But Gags Beasley, he is to comedy what Mozart was to music. He wrote the famous banana sketch. (giggles)
Kermit The banana sketch. What's the banana sketch?
Hilda You never heard of the banana sketch? But it's the funniest … (laughs)
Fozzie comes backstage as his fanfare plays.
Fozzie Oh, hear that? Oh, boy. I killed 'em. Oh, boy.
Kermit Great, great.
Fozzie Yeah. I closed with the banana sketch, you know?
Kermit Fozzie, what is the banana sketch?!
Fozzie (a beat) You never heard of the banana sketch?
Kermit (frowns)
Fozzie Hey guys! Hey, Kermit never heard of the banana sketch! (exits)
Kermit I think somebody's pulling my leg. (looks down) Somebody is pulling my leg. It's The Great Gonzo.
Gonzo You never heard of the banana sketch? (laughs)
Kermit Will you cut that out! (exit Gonzo) Yeesh.

At the Dance

Couples tango in a ballroom. George tangos with Mildred.
Mildred You know, when I was in London, I saw them changing the guards.
George the Janitor Why? Were they dirty?
It takes two pigs to tango.
Male pig Where'd you say you were born?
Female pig In Paris.
Male pig Oh. How'd you do that?
Female pig The usual way.
Rowlf tangos with a woman.
Rowlf My cousin lives in the desert, and boy, can he run fast.
Woman 'Cause the sand is so hot?
Rowlf No, 'cause the trees are so far apart.
A rabbit and a woman do the tango-hop.
Rabbit Do you remember where we first met?
Woman 2 Yeah. At the hop.
Animal tangos with another woman.
Animal Haaaahhh. You know, I'm falling for you.
Woman 3 What can I do?
Animal Get out of the way! AAAAHHH!
Plop! He falls forward. He gets up and does it again.
Animal Wanna join me?
Woman 3 Yeah.
Plop! They both fall forward.
Animal Backwards!
Plop! They both fall backwards.
Animal Excuse me. Sideways.
Plop! They both fall sideways.
Woman 3 Oh, that was fun.

Inner Beauty

Open on an outdoor patio. Sandy passes by the fountain and spots Sweetums sitting on a bench, sobbing. She walks up to him.
Sandy Excuse me. Pardon me.
Sweetums Huh? You talkin' to me?
Sandy Yes. I couldn't help noticing that you're crying.
Sweetums Of course I'm crying. I feel sad. I mean, wouldn't you feel sad if you looked like me?
Sandy (sits down next to him) I don't think there's anything the matter with the way you look.
Sweetums Oh, you're just saying that to be nice.
Sandy No.
Sweetums No. I mean, I'm a big, huge, hairy lump, and I scare people. Every time I walk in this park, people yell, "Police!" They cry, "Monster!" Mothers grab their children and little dogs run away, and— and flowers wilt.
Sandy Oh, now, come on, I think you're exaggerating just a bit, aren't you?
Sweetums Oh, yeah? Well, watch this. (turns to a flower) Hello, flower. (the flower droops) See?
Sandy Yeah. Gee …
Sweetums And then see this dog over here?
Sandy Uh-huh.
Enter Muppy.
Sweetums Hello, doggy.
Muppy gnaws on Sweetums' hand, then walks off.
Sandy Well — but I'm not running away. I'm not calling the police, and I don't think you're a big lump. So there.
Sweetums It's true. You're not. A beautiful lady like you takes the time to sit down and talk to me?
Sandy Yeah, I — I just don't like seeing people cry. I think there's too much sadness in the world. You know what, if people just took a little time to look past the physical … they might find a lot of beautiful things about you.
Sweetums Oh! (blushes) I feel so good, so — so loved, so — so beautiful!
Sandy You see? If we feel beautiful, we are beautiful.
Sweetums (stands up) Oh, I feel beautiful! (Sandy hugs him) Hello, flower. (the flower stands up) Hello, doggy! (Muppy licks his hand) I feel beautiful! (scats, with a spring in his step) Hello, fountain. Oh, thank you, beautiful lady.
Sandy You're welcome.
Sweetums (trots away) Hello, pavement. Hello, grass.
Sandy walks to another bench, and encounters Behemoth.
Sandy Oh, my. You mustn't look so sad. Oh.
Sandy I know that that you may appear to be, on the outside, ugly, but inside, I'll bet that you are as beautiful as a morning sunrise.
PLOP! He hits her in the face with a cream pie.
Sandy On the other hand …
She giggles and playfully swats at him.

UK Spot

Gonzo, accompanied by Rowlf, sings "Nobody."

"Never Smile at a Crocodile"

Mary Louise rides through the swamp on a crocodile.
Mary Louise Hi, everybody!
Frogs Hi there!
The croc devours a frog.
Mary Louise Oh dear. I should have warned him —

Never smile at a crocodile.
No, you can't get friendly with a crocodile.
Don't be taken in by his welcome grin.
He's imagining how well you'd fit within his skin.

The croc devours another frog.
Mary Louise

Never smile at a crocodile.
Never tip your hat and stop to talk awhile.
Never run, walk away, say good-night, not good-day.

Mary & frogs Clear the aisle but never smile at Mister Crocodile.
Mary Louise

You may very well be well bred.
Lots of etiquette in your head.
But there's always some special case, time or place
To forget etiquette. For instance:


Never smile at a crocodile.
No, you can't get friendly with a crocodile.


Don't be taken in by my welcome grin
I'm imagining how well you'd fit within my skin…


Never smile at a crocodile.
Never tip your hat and stop to talk awhile.

Mary Louise Never run, walk away. Say good-night, not good-day.
Frog (RH) (hops out of croc's mouth) Good night!
Frog (JL) (hops out of croc's mouth) Good night!
Frogs Clear the aisle but never smile at Mister Crocodile.
Crocodile Maybe I could meet you guys tomorrow for lunch?
The frogs disperse. Applause.

Talk Spot

Kermit Hey, y'know, Sandy, it's nice for the two of us just to have a moment alone to talk.
Sandy Yeah. I enjoy it, yeah.
Fozzie Heyyy, Sandy. Heyyy, Kermit.
Kermit Yeah, hi, Fozzie.
Sandy (giggling) Hi, Fozzie.
Fozzie Hi. Oh, boy, do I have good news.
Kermit You can't stay long? (Sandy giggles)
Fozzie No. No, I got plen — I got plenty of time.
Kermit Well, that's bad news. What's the good news?
Fozzie Okay, Frog, see, the good news is, that I have a great idea for — for a sketch… for both of us to play.
Sandy Oh.
Kermit You want to do a sketch with me?
Fozzie No, not you. With Sandy. Yeah.
Sandy With me? Oh, that's a — Well, that sounds great, Fozzie.
Fozzie Yeah.
Sandy Who wrote your sketch?
Fozzie Oh, my writer, the legendary … (takes off hat) … Gags Beasley.
Sandy Oh, come on, Fozzie. Gags Beasley is your writer?
Fozzie "Come on?" … You — you know him?
They both stammer excitedly.
Sandy Of course I know him. I mean — Gags Beasley! He wrote the famous banana sketch.
Fozzie That's right!
Kermit Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Not you, too, Sandy.
Sandy Huh?
Kermit Well, tell me, what is this banana sketch?
Sandy Heh — you never heard of it? Come on, Kermit. Everybody's heard of the banana sketch.
Fozzie I told you, Kermit. (puts his hat back on)
Sandy You know something?
Fozzie What?
Sandy Gags Beasley. I can't believe he's your writer.
Fozzie Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Sandy You know something? I am impressed, Fozzie. Really impressed.
Fozzie Mm-hmm.
Sandy Yeah.
Kermit It — it's a real classic, this banana sketch?
Sandy Yeah.
Kermit And it was written by Gags Beasley?
Sandy Yeah.
Kermit How does it go there, Sandy?
Sandy Well, I mean, "Gags," "banana." The words - synonymous, right?
Fozzie Right.
Kermit You can say that again. I gag every time I hear about this sketch.
Sandy Fozzie, I could just be thinking about the banana sketch, and I start to crack up. (laughs)
Fozzie Me too. (laughs)
Sandy Do you? Does it make you laugh?
Fozzie Oh, stop.
Sandy Listen, hey, Fozzie —
Fozzie What? What? What?
Sandy Do you use a green banana or a yellow one?
Fozzie Oh, yellow. Yellow.
Sandy cracks up and so does Fozzie.
Sandy A yellow one! I love it!
Kermit Hey, wait, wait. Hold, hold on. Wait a minute! Wait a minute! Wait a minute! Wait a minute! Hold! Hold! Hold. Hold. Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
Sandy I'm sorry.
Kermit Sandy. Sandy, please, please, pretty please. Sandy, with sugar on it, pretty please.
Sandy What?
Kermit What is the banana sketch?
Fozzie Go on, tell him. Go ahead, tell him. Tell him. Tell him.
Sandy (to Fozzie) You wanna tell him?
Fozzie You tell him. You tell him. You tell him.
Sandy Okay, I'm gonna try.
Fozzie Yeah?
Sandy Okay. Well, all right. All right.
Sandy and Fozzie are barely able to hold their laughter.
Sandy Like, these two banan — These two bananas … are walking down the str … I can't stand it. It hurts to laugh.
Waldorf Tell me the truth, Statler. Do you get the banana sketch?
Statler No. I get The New York Times and the Manchester Guardian.
Waldorf Sorry I asked.

Muppet Newsflash

Newsman Here's a Muppet news flash. (runs to the desk) Dateline, Dallas, Texas. Mrs. Billie Lee Bonkers of that city recently entered the Guinness Book of Records by establishing the world jumping-in-place record. Mrs. Bonkers began jumping in place three months ago and so far has jumped 652,000 times.
Sandy 652,001. (jumps)
Newsman Mrs. Bonkers…
Sandy 652,002. (jumps)
Newsman Uh, Mrs. Bonkers, do you need any special incentive to keep you going?
Zoom in on her.
Sandy Oh, my, no. I have all the incentive that I need.
Newsman Uh, how's that?
Sandy I am standing on a hot plate. Ahh! Ooh! Ohh! 652,003! (jumps)
Newsman Truly a courageous and inspiring story. (picks up the phone) Where do we get these nuts? (scowls)


Kermit (through the intercom) Okay, stand by for Veterinarian's Hospital. Veterinarian's Hospital.
Rowlf and Janice go onstage.
Miss Piggy Oh, frog of my life, please tell me what they're saying about you is not true.
Kermit What's that, Piggy?
Miss Piggy That you, you — host of a television show, veteran of the boards — you have never heard of the banana sketch?
Kermit Uh, Piggy, uh, said the frog, trying to refrain from losing his cool and looking like a bad sport … THERE IS NO BANANA SKETCH! THERE NEVER WAS A BANANA SKETCH AND THERE NEVER WILL BE A BANANA SKETCH! (hyperventilates)
Miss Piggy Touchy, touchy. (goes onstage)
Banana Hey, which way to my dressing room? And don't try to shove me into the refrigerator.
Kermit breaks down in tears.

Veterinarian's Hospital

Piggy checks her hair, looks around, then walks to the operating table where the patient lies.
Announcer And now, Veterinarian's Hospital, the continuing stooory of a former orthopedic surgeon who's gone to the dogs.
Rowlf blows his nose.
Miss Piggy Well, what do you think, Dr. Bob? This is your first transplant.
Rowlf Well, there's always a second chance. (laughs)
Janice But uh, what if he doesn't make it, Dr. Bob?
Rowlf I don't mean him. I mean me. Let me check into something.
Rowlf Huh. The old ticker still sounds great.
Miss Piggy Oh, you mean, his new heart is fine?
Rowlf No. I mean my new watch. I dropped it in when I was sewing him up. (laughs)
Announcer So Dr. Bob dropped his watch in the patient's chest. Tune in next week, when we'll hear Dr. Bob say…
Rowlf Well, let's look on the bright side. At least if he doesn't make it, we'll know the exact time he went.
They all laugh.
Waldorf That's wonderful, wonderful, right, Statler?
He notices Statler's not there. He looks over the balcony.
Waldorf Good grief, did he jump?

"Try to Remember"

Sandy sings "Try to Remember" to Kermit in a peaceful setting. Slowly, a whole group of Muppets arrive to listen in.


Kermit Well, once again it's time to fold up our tents, but before we go, we'd like to give a special thanks to our guest star, Miss Sandy Duncan!
Applause as Sandy emerges.
Sandy Thank you. Thank you. Kermit, I want you to know I had a good time.
Kermit Oh, me, too. Hey, and you know how some shows give their guest star a dozen roses at the end of the show?
Sandy You shouldn't have.
Kermit I didn't. Hey, banana boy!
Fozzie gives her a dozen bananas. Sandy snickers.
Fozzie Sandy, it was the frog's idea, not mine, not mine.
Sandy It's all right. I love it. I love all of you. (hugs Fozzie)
Fozzie Yeah?
Kermit Yeah, well. I hope that's the last I ever hear of the banana sketch. We'll see you all next time on The Muppet Show!
Sandy (waves) Thank you.
The credits roll.
Statler Well, how'd you like the show?
Waldorf Well, maybe I'm getting soft, but I loved it. Have a banana. (laughs)