Episode 114: Sandy Duncan/transcript

The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 114: Sandy Duncan.

Theme

	Kermit appears in the show's O.
Kermit	It's The Muppet Show, with our special guest star, Miss Sandy Duncan!
	The banner rises, and the theme begins.
Chorus girls	It's time to play the music It's time to light the lights It's time to meet the Muppets On The Muppet Show tonight!
Male chorus	It's time to put on makeup It's time to dress up right It's time to raise the curtain On The Muppet Show tonight!
	The curtain opens on Fozzie.
Fozzie	Hey, we were so poor, I was born at home. After my mother saw me, she went to the hospital.
	The audience laughs. The curtain closes.
Kermit	To introduce our guest star, That's what I'm here to do! So it really makes me happy To introduce to you — Miss Sandy Duncan!
	The curtain opens on Sandy, on the set for the opening number.
Kermit	But now let's get things started
Kermit & gang	On the most sensational, inspirational Celebrational, Muppetational This is what we call The Muppet Show!
	Gonzo accidentally drops his mallet, and so hits the gong with his head.

Opening number

	Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit	Thank you, thank you, thank you. Hi-ho. I'm in a great mood tonight, and that's because our special guest star is a real good friend and a lovely lady - Miss Sandy Duncan. And so that means our show tonight should be a real bang-up affair …
	Enter Crazy Harry, holding a detonator.
Crazy Harry	Did somebody say "bang"?
Kermit	Uh, no.
	BOOM! Harry sets off an explosion which sends Kermit flying into the balcony with Statler and Waldorf.
Kermit	(looks down) Wow. I've always wondered what the show looked like from up here. In any event, let's start off the show with a musical number that was staged by our own gofer, Scooter. It could be a bomb, but uh —
Crazy Harry	Did somebody say "bomb"?
Kermit	Oh no!
	BOOM! Harry sets off another explosion and laughs. Fozzie waves his way through the smoke as he comes on stage.
Fozzie	Wow. Heh. Well, somebody's gotta introduce our guest star, so it might as well be the old Fozzie. OK. Here she is, a star who does it all. She sings, she dances, she acts and she makes you feel good all over. Miss Sandy Duncan!
	Sandy performs "A Nice Girl Like Me," singing and dancing in a bar with several monsters. The Electric Mayhem plays backup.
Waldorf	Bravo! Bravo!
Statler	Mm. Wonderful.
Waldorf	Fantastic.
Statler	Tremendous. Yeah, you know, she makes me feel like a young boy. Heh.
Waldorf	Yeah, she makes me feel like a young girl. I think I'll go find one. (exits)
Statler	(laughs)

Backstage

Fozzie	Oh, where is that handsome frog? Oh, there you are, old frog friend.
Kermit	What?
Fozzie	Would you lend me a fiver till payday?
Kermit	Fozzie, you already owe me five.
Fozzie	(begs) Oh, please, please, I know it, but I gotta pay my writer, the legendary Gags Beasley.
Kermit	The legendary Gags comes pretty cheap, doesn't he?
Fozzie	Well, uh, we worked out a good deal.
Kermit	You pay him by the line?
Fozzie	No, I pay him by the laugh.
Kermit	Oh. Then he owes you money. (chuckles, exits)
Fozzie	Oh, that was cute. That was real cute, Frog!

The Swedish Chef

	The Chef dances with a spatula and a spoon as he sings his theme song.
Swedish Chef	(sings in mock Swedish) … Børk børk børk!
	He tosses them.
Swedish Chef	De spøøns. … (mock Swedish) … de møøfïn. Sëe de møøfïn? (displays a gun) … the bøømå shøøtïn. (mock Swedish)
	He throws up the muffin and shoots it. The muffin lands with a hole in it. He does the same with two more.
Swedish Chef	(mock Swedish) … Dønüt.

Fozzie's comedy act / Backstage

	Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit	OK! Right now it's time for our own king of comedy. You've no doubt heard the expression "the next act needs no introduction" …
Statler	Yeah, you're right. He doesn't need an introduction. He needs an act. (laughs with Waldorf)
Kermit	In your opinion, maybe, but Fozzie Bear gets over 200 letters a week.
Statler	Mm-hmm, yeah, but if he paid his bills, he wouldn't get any. (laughs with Waldorf)
Kermit	I'll let Fozzie handle you guys. Here he is now, one of your favorites and I'm sure one of his - Mr. Fozzie Bear!
	The curtain opens as Fozzie's fanfare plays.
Fozzie	Hey! Thank you, thank you, thank you and thank you! Hey, love you. Oh, look out, I've got some great ones for you tonight! Hey, my wife loves children, but I can't bear them. Huh? Huh? Hey, we got three kids - one of each. (wiggles his ears) Haaaaa! Oh, I'm rolling now. I'm on a roll. I'm on a roll!
Waldorf	Yeah? Well, why don't you butter yourself and slip on out of here?
Statler	(laughs)
Fozzie	Speaking of slipping, are you guys familiar with the banana sketch?
Statler	Oh, nice segueway.
Waldorf	Smooth.
Statler	Good blend. (they nod)
Fozzie	Hey, hey. These two bananas are walking down the street, and one banana says…
	Meanwhile, backstage…
Hilda	Listen to Fozzie. Oh! He has them eating right out from his hand.
Kermit	Well, he's got a new writer - Gags Beasley.
Scooter	Not the legendary Gags Beasley?
Kermit	You mean, you've heard of him?
Scooter	Well, who hasn't?
Kermit	Me, for one.
	Exit Scooter.
Hilda	But Gags Beasley, he is to comedy what Mozart was to music. He wrote the famous banana sketch. (giggles)
Kermit	The banana sketch. What's the banana sketch?
Hilda	You never heard of the banana sketch? But it's the funniest … (laughs)
	Fozzie comes backstage as his fanfare plays.
Fozzie	Oh, hear that? Oh, boy. I killed 'em. Oh, boy.
Kermit	Great, great.
Fozzie	Yeah. I closed with the banana sketch, you know?
Kermit	Fozzie, what is the banana sketch?!
Fozzie	(a beat) You never heard of the banana sketch?
Kermit	(frowns)
Fozzie	Hey guys! Hey, Kermit never heard of the banana sketch! (exits)
Kermit	I think somebody's pulling my leg. (looks down) Somebody is pulling my leg. It's The Great Gonzo.
Gonzo	You never heard of the banana sketch? (laughs)
Kermit	Will you cut that out! (exit Gonzo) Yeesh.

At the Dance

	Couples tango in a ballroom. George tangos with Mildred.
Mildred	You know, when I was in London, I saw them changing the guards.
George the Janitor	Why? Were they dirty?
	It takes two pigs to tango.
Male pig	Where'd you say you were born?
Female pig	In Paris.
Male pig	Oh. How'd you do that?
Female pig	The usual way.
	Rowlf tangos with a woman.
Rowlf	My cousin lives in the desert, and boy, can he run fast.
Woman	'Cause the sand is so hot?
Rowlf	No, 'cause the trees are so far apart.
	A rabbit and a woman do the tango-hop.
Rabbit	Do you remember where we first met?
Woman 2	Yeah. At the hop.
	Animal tangos with another woman.
Animal	Haaaahhh. You know, I'm falling for you.
Woman 3	What can I do?
Animal	Get out of the way! AAAAHHH!
	Plop! He falls forward. He gets up and does it again.
Animal	Wanna join me?
Woman 3	Yeah.
	Plop! They both fall forward.
Animal	Backwards!
	Plop! They both fall backwards.
Animal	Excuse me. Sideways.
	Plop! They both fall sideways.
Woman 3	Oh, that was fun.

Inner Beauty

	Open on an outdoor patio. Sandy passes by the fountain and spots Sweetums sitting on a bench, sobbing. She walks up to him.
Sandy	Excuse me. Pardon me.
Sweetums	Huh? You talkin' to me?
Sandy	Yes. I couldn't help noticing that you're crying.
Sweetums	Of course I'm crying. I feel sad. I mean, wouldn't you feel sad if you looked like me?
Sandy	(sits down next to him) I don't think there's anything the matter with the way you look.
Sweetums	Oh, you're just saying that to be nice.
Sandy	No.
Sweetums	No. I mean, I'm a big, huge, hairy lump, and I scare people. Every time I walk in this park, people yell, "Police!" They cry, "Monster!" Mothers grab their children and little dogs run away, and— and flowers wilt.
Sandy	Oh, now, come on, I think you're exaggerating just a bit, aren't you?
Sweetums	Oh, yeah? Well, watch this. (turns to a flower) Hello, flower. (the flower droops) See?
Sandy	Yeah. Gee …
Sweetums	And then see this dog over here?
Sandy	Uh-huh.
	Enter Muppy.
Sweetums	Hello, doggy.
	Muppy gnaws on Sweetums' hand, then walks off.
Sandy	Well — but I'm not running away. I'm not calling the police, and I don't think you're a big lump. So there.
Sweetums	It's true. You're not. A beautiful lady like you takes the time to sit down and talk to me?
Sandy	Yeah, I — I just don't like seeing people cry. I think there's too much sadness in the world. You know what, if people just took a little time to look past the physical … they might find a lot of beautiful things about you.
Sweetums	Oh! (blushes) I feel so good, so — so loved, so — so beautiful!
Sandy	You see? If we feel beautiful, we are beautiful.
Sweetums	(stands up) Oh, I feel beautiful! (Sandy hugs him) Hello, flower. (the flower stands up) Hello, doggy! (Muppy licks his hand) I feel beautiful! (scats, with a spring in his step) Hello, fountain. Oh, thank you, beautiful lady.
Sandy	You're welcome.
Sweetums	(trots away) Hello, pavement. Hello, grass.
	Sandy walks to another bench, and encounters Behemoth.
Sandy	Oh, my. You mustn't look so sad. Oh.
Sandy	I know that that you may appear to be, on the outside, ugly, but inside, I'll bet that you are as beautiful as a morning sunrise.
	PLOP! He hits her in the face with a cream pie.
Sandy	On the other hand …
	She giggles and playfully swats at him.

UK Spot

	Gonzo, accompanied by Rowlf, sings "Nobody."

"Never Smile at a Crocodile"

	Mary Louise rides through the swamp on a crocodile.
Mary Louise	Hi, everybody!
Frogs	Hi there!
	The croc devours a frog.
Mary Louise	Oh dear. I should have warned him — Never smile at a crocodile. No, you can't get friendly with a crocodile. Don't be taken in by his welcome grin. He's imagining how well you'd fit within his skin.
	The croc devours another frog.
Mary Louise	Never smile at a crocodile. Never tip your hat and stop to talk awhile. Never run, walk away, say good-night, not good-day.
Mary & frogs	Clear the aisle but never smile at Mister Crocodile.
Mary Louise	You may very well be well bred. Lots of etiquette in your head. But there's always some special case, time or place To forget etiquette. For instance:
Frogs	Never smile at a crocodile. No, you can't get friendly with a crocodile.
Crocodile	Don't be taken in by my welcome grin I'm imagining how well you'd fit within my skin…
Frogs	Never smile at a crocodile. Never tip your hat and stop to talk awhile.
Mary Louise	Never run, walk away. Say good-night, not good-day.
Frog (RH)	(hops out of croc's mouth) Good night!
Frog (JL)	(hops out of croc's mouth) Good night!
Frogs	Clear the aisle but never smile at Mister Crocodile.
Crocodile	Maybe I could meet you guys tomorrow for lunch?
	The frogs disperse. Applause.

Talk Spot

Kermit	Hey, y'know, Sandy, it's nice for the two of us just to have a moment alone to talk.
Sandy	Yeah. I enjoy it, yeah.
Fozzie	Heyyy, Sandy. Heyyy, Kermit.
Kermit	Yeah, hi, Fozzie.
Sandy	(giggling) Hi, Fozzie.
Fozzie	Hi. Oh, boy, do I have good news.
Kermit	You can't stay long? (Sandy giggles)
Fozzie	No. No, I got plen — I got plenty of time.
Kermit	Well, that's bad news. What's the good news?
Fozzie	Okay, Frog, see, the good news is, that I have a great idea for — for a sketch… for both of us to play.
Sandy	Oh.
Kermit	You want to do a sketch with me?
Fozzie	No, not you. With Sandy. Yeah.
Sandy	With me? Oh, that's a — Well, that sounds great, Fozzie.
Fozzie	Yeah.
Sandy	Who wrote your sketch?
Fozzie	Oh, my writer, the legendary … (takes off hat) … Gags Beasley.
Sandy	Oh, come on, Fozzie. Gags Beasley is your writer?
Fozzie	"Come on?" … You — you know him?
	They both stammer excitedly.
Sandy	Of course I know him. I mean — Gags Beasley! He wrote the famous banana sketch.
Fozzie	That's right!
Kermit	Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Not you, too, Sandy.
Sandy	Huh?
Kermit	Well, tell me, what is this banana sketch?
Sandy	Heh — you never heard of it? Come on, Kermit. Everybody's heard of the banana sketch.
Fozzie	I told you, Kermit. (puts his hat back on)
Sandy	You know something?
Fozzie	What?
Sandy	Gags Beasley. I can't believe he's your writer.
Fozzie	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Sandy	You know something? I am impressed, Fozzie. Really impressed.
Fozzie	Mm-hmm.
Sandy	Yeah.
Kermit	It — it's a real classic, this banana sketch?
Sandy	Yeah.
Kermit	And it was written by Gags Beasley?
Sandy	Yeah.
Kermit	How does it go there, Sandy?
Sandy	Well, I mean, "Gags," "banana." The words - synonymous, right?
Fozzie	Right.
Kermit	You can say that again. I gag every time I hear about this sketch.
Sandy	Fozzie, I could just be thinking about the banana sketch, and I start to crack up. (laughs)
Fozzie	Me too. (laughs)
Sandy	Do you? Does it make you laugh?
Fozzie	Oh, stop.
Sandy	Listen, hey, Fozzie —
Fozzie	What? What? What?
Sandy	Do you use a green banana or a yellow one?
Fozzie	Oh, yellow. Yellow.
	Sandy cracks up and so does Fozzie.
Sandy	A yellow one! I love it!
Kermit	Hey, wait, wait. Hold, hold on. Wait a minute! Wait a minute! Wait a minute! Wait a minute! Hold! Hold! Hold. Hold. Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
Sandy	I'm sorry.
Kermit	Sandy. Sandy, please, please, pretty please. Sandy, with sugar on it, pretty please.
Sandy	What?
Kermit	What is the banana sketch?
Fozzie	Go on, tell him. Go ahead, tell him. Tell him. Tell him.
Sandy	(to Fozzie) You wanna tell him?
Fozzie	You tell him. You tell him. You tell him.
Sandy	Okay, I'm gonna try.
Fozzie	Yeah?
Sandy	Okay. Well, all right. All right.
	Sandy and Fozzie are barely able to hold their laughter.
Sandy	Like, these two banan — These two bananas … are walking down the str … I can't stand it. It hurts to laugh.
Waldorf	Tell me the truth, Statler. Do you get the banana sketch?
Statler	No. I get The New York Times and the Manchester Guardian.
Waldorf	Sorry I asked.

Muppet Newsflash

Newsman	Here's a Muppet news flash. (runs to the desk) Dateline, Dallas, Texas. Mrs. Billie Lee Bonkers of that city recently entered the Guinness Book of Records by establishing the world jumping-in-place record. Mrs. Bonkers began jumping in place three months ago and so far has jumped 652,000 times.
Sandy	652,001. (jumps)
Newsman	Mrs. Bonkers…
Sandy	652,002. (jumps)
Newsman	Uh, Mrs. Bonkers, do you need any special incentive to keep you going?
	Zoom in on her.
Sandy	Oh, my, no. I have all the incentive that I need.
Newsman	Uh, how's that?
Sandy	I am standing on a hot plate. Ahh! Ooh! Ohh! 652,003! (jumps)
Newsman	Truly a courageous and inspiring story. (picks up the phone) Where do we get these nuts? (scowls)

Backstage

Kermit	(through the intercom) Okay, stand by for Veterinarian's Hospital. Veterinarian's Hospital.
	Rowlf and Janice go onstage.
Miss Piggy	Oh, frog of my life, please tell me what they're saying about you is not true.
Kermit	What's that, Piggy?
Miss Piggy	That you, you — host of a television show, veteran of the boards — you have never heard of the banana sketch?
Kermit	Uh, Piggy, uh, said the frog, trying to refrain from losing his cool and looking like a bad sport … THERE IS NO BANANA SKETCH! THERE NEVER WAS A BANANA SKETCH AND THERE NEVER WILL BE A BANANA SKETCH! (hyperventilates)
Miss Piggy	Touchy, touchy. (goes onstage)
Banana	Hey, which way to my dressing room? And don't try to shove me into the refrigerator.
	Kermit breaks down in tears.

Veterinarian's Hospital

	Piggy checks her hair, looks around, then walks to the operating table where the patient lies.
Announcer	And now, Veterinarian's Hospital, the continuing stooory of a former orthopedic surgeon who's gone to the dogs.
	Rowlf blows his nose.
Miss Piggy	Well, what do you think, Dr. Bob? This is your first transplant.
Rowlf	Well, there's always a second chance. (laughs)
Janice	But uh, what if he doesn't make it, Dr. Bob?
Rowlf	I don't mean him. I mean me. Let me check into something.
Rowlf	Huh. The old ticker still sounds great.
Miss Piggy	Oh, you mean, his new heart is fine?
Rowlf	No. I mean my new watch. I dropped it in when I was sewing him up. (laughs)
Announcer	So Dr. Bob dropped his watch in the patient's chest. Tune in next week, when we'll hear Dr. Bob say…
Rowlf	Well, let's look on the bright side. At least if he doesn't make it, we'll know the exact time he went.
	They all laugh.
Waldorf	That's wonderful, wonderful, right, Statler?
	He notices Statler's not there. He looks over the balcony.
Waldorf	Good grief, did he jump?

"Try to Remember"

	Sandy sings "Try to Remember" to Kermit in a peaceful setting. Slowly, a whole group of Muppets arrive to listen in.

Goodnights

Kermit	Well, once again it's time to fold up our tents, but before we go, we'd like to give a special thanks to our guest star, Miss Sandy Duncan!
	Applause as Sandy emerges.
Sandy	Thank you. Thank you. Kermit, I want you to know I had a good time.
Kermit	Oh, me, too. Hey, and you know how some shows give their guest star a dozen roses at the end of the show?
Sandy	You shouldn't have.
Kermit	I didn't. Hey, banana boy!
	Fozzie gives her a dozen bananas. Sandy snickers.
Fozzie	Sandy, it was the frog's idea, not mine, not mine.
Sandy	It's all right. I love it. I love all of you. (hugs Fozzie)
Fozzie	Yeah?
Kermit	Yeah, well. I hope that's the last I ever hear of the banana sketch. We'll see you all next time on The Muppet Show!
Sandy	(waves) Thank you.
	The credits roll.
Statler	Well, how'd you like the show?
Waldorf	Well, maybe I'm getting soft, but I loved it. Have a banana. (laughs)