The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 115: Candice Bergen.
Theme[]
Kermit appears in the show's O. | |
Kermit | It's The Muppet Show, with our special guest star, Miss Candice Bergen! Woo! |
The banner rises, and the theme begins. | |
Chorus girls |
It's time to play the music |
Male chorus |
It's time to put on makeup |
The curtain opens on Fozzie. | |
Fozzie | Hey, question. What has a thousand legs, but can't walk? 500 pairs of pants. Ha ha. |
He wiggles his ears. The audience laughs. The curtain closes. | |
Kermit |
To introduce our guest star, |
The cast of Muppets surround Candice. | |
Kermit | But now let's get things started |
Kermit & gang |
On the most sensational, inspirational |
Gonzo, sporting a boxing glove, punches the "O." It sounds like a ringside bell, indicating the start of a match. Gonzo stands ready for the fight! |
Opening number[]
Main stage. Kermit enters to applause. | |
Kermit | Thank you. Thank you, thank you. Hey, boy, do we have a show for you tonight. Our special guest star is the beautiful Miss Candice Bergen. And she's not just another pretty face. Besides being an actress, she's a top photographer, a writer, a world traveler, what you'd call a well-rounded person. |
Statler | Ha. You can say that again. Woo-woo! Woo-woo! |
He and Waldorf chuckle. | |
Kermit | Listen, you clowns. We're not gonna have any of those male-chauvinist-pig jokes while Miss Bergen is out here. |
Piggy peeks from the curtain. | |
Miss Piggy | Ahem! I'm tired of any kind of pig joke. |
She comes out. | |
Kermit | Uh, Piggy, what are you doing out here? |
Miss Piggy | Oh, Kermit, dear, did you know that every time we have a beautiful girl on the show — heh — you forget about me? |
Kermit | Uh Yeah, well, uh uh, we could have a seal act on the show, Piggy, and I might forget about you. |
Miss Piggy | He tries so desperately to hide his love for me. |
Kermit | Uh, yeah, but, uh… |
Miss Piggy | You promised I was gonna open the show this week, flipperface. |
Kermit | Uh Piggy, my love, my life... |
Miss Piggy | Never mind that jazz! Listen, turkey! Mizzzzz Bergen said I should stand up for my rights. Either I open the show or Mizzzzz Bergen and I walk. |
Kermit | Well, OK, OK, you can open the show, Piggy. You get to open the show. |
Miss Piggy | Oh! What a surprise! Oh, thank you, my love. Mwah! Kissy, kissy. |
Kermit | Uh, never let it be said that the frog is a pig. So, ladies and gentlemen, the lovely Mizzzz Piggy, and her rendition of "What Now My Love?" |
Miss Piggy sings "What Now My Love?" She is backed by three Whatnots who gradually turn into monsters. |
Backstage[]
Hilda accompanies a wailing Piggy as they pass by Kermit. | |
Kermit | Nice, Piggy. You never sounded better. (to camera) OK, so I lie a little. |
Fozzie | Uh, wire for Kermit the Frog. Wire for Kermit the Frog. Oh, are you Kermit the Frog? |
Kermit | Of course I am. |
He puts a wire hanger on Kermit's face. | |
Fozzie | Wire for you. Haaa! |
Kermit | (frowning) Cute. Cute bit. |
He takes off the hanger and goes onstage. | |
Fozzie | Haaa! Oh! I love a good running gag. |
"Put Another Log on the Fire"[]
Main stage. Kermit enters. | |
Kermit | There's a great little "down home country style, sitting by the fire, whittling and fiddling" song called "Put Another Log on the Fire." Here now is that song, and here too is tonight's very special guest star, Miss Candice Bergen. |
The Hillbilly Singer sings "Put Another Log on the Fire" while Candice tries to do all the chores. At the end of the song she rebels and leaves, wearing a feminist t-shirt. | |
Backstage[]
At the Dance[]
Panel discussion[]
Open on the panelists making small talk as the theme music plays. Zoom in on Kermit. | |
Kermit | OK, uh It's time once again, friends, time once again to raise the intellectual level of our program. And our subject tonight is, "Does travel broaden the mind?" Our panel tonight consists of Mildred Huxtetter, M.A., B.A., D.A. and D.U.M.B. |
Mildred (DG) | Charmed, I'm sure. |
Miss Piggy (RH) | Oh, brother. |
Kermit | Miss Piggy, noted chanteuse and black belt holder. |
Miss Piggy (RH) | Mm-hm. Kissy kissy. |
Mildred (DG) | Ugh! |
Kermit | Sam the Eagle, our resident grouch. |
Sam the Eagle | Let's move it along, Frog. |
Kermit | OK. And our special guest panelist Miss Clara Cartwell, well-known travel agent and author of the best-selling book, Europe on $5,000 a Day. |
Candice | (posh accent) No, no, no. It's called Europe on $50 a Day. The book itself, however, costs $5,000. |
Sam the Eagle | Hmmm. (nods) And probably well worth it, too. |
Candice | Oh, yes. Yes. |
Sam the Eagle | Yes. Pictures and everything, I bet. |
Candice | Oh, yes. The works. |
Kermit | OK, but uh, let's get back to our subject, which is "Does travel broaden the mind?" Uh, Miss Cartwell. |
Candice | Well, as I write in my new book, Nowhere on Nothing a Day, traveling is the most broadening experience possible. |
Mildred (DG) | Well, Piggy here hasn't traveled at all, and she's broader than any of us. |
Miss Piggy (RH) | Watch it, needle-neck, or you won't be on the panel, you'll be under it! |
An argument breaks out. | |
Kermit | OK. Ladies, please control yourselves. |
Sam the Eagle | Excuse me. 'Scuse me. 'Scuse me. Carla, let — let me apologize for those weirdos. I myself am a world traveler. |
Candice | Is that right? Where have you been? |
Sam the Eagle | Persia. I bought a rug there. Mm. |
Candice | Well, I'm glad you're not wearing it. I like bald eagles. (laughs) … Oh dear. |
Sam the Eagle | No, uh … Not that kind of rug. |
Kermit | Yes. OK. Well, I think we're getting away from the subject, which was "Does travel broaden the mind?" |
Candice | Ah. Well, absolutely no doubt about it. For example, I had a friend who never went anywhere, lived in the same town for over 30 years. She was so unsophisticated, she thought Marcello Mastroianni was an Italian soup. |
They all laugh except Sam. | |
Miss Piggy (RH) | It is to laugh! |
Sam the Eagle | You mean it isn't an Italian soup? |
Mildred (DG) | And he calls himself a world traveler? |
Sam the Eagle | No, no, wait. I have been to restaurants where I have ordered Marcello Mastroianni and I've gotten it. |
Candice | Really? What did you get? |
Sam the Eagle | A swarthy, good-looking man sitting in a bowl. I always send him back. |
Candice | What do you get when you order a Russian dressing? Rudolf Nureyev putting on his tights? |
They all laugh except Sam. | |
Sam the Eagle | I fail to see the humor in that. |
Miss Piggy (RH) | Oh, I love it. Burst his balloon, honey, he's so pompous. |
Mildred (DG) | Balloons! Speaking of balloons, either let some air out, or go on a diet. You're knocking me off the panel. |
Miss Piggy (RH) | I'll knock you out of the theater in a second! You, you — |
Another argument breaks out. | |
Kermit | OK, ladies. Wait. Please. Please. We have a special guest with us. You'd better put your best face forward. |
Mildred (DG) | And whose face is Porker here going to borrow? |
Miss Piggy (RH) | That does it. Why — |
She throws blows to Mildred, knocking her under the panel. | |
Kermit | Wait! Well, I guess that does it for our panel. I'm sorry about that, Miss Cartwell. |
Candice | Oh, no. It's been very broadening I think. |
Sam the Eagle | Do you really like me without my rug? |
Candice | Yes, I do. Are you busy later? |
Sam the Eagle | What? No, but I could, uh... We could wing out somewhere. |
Kermit | Well, uh, join us next week, when our topic will be "Air pollution: A modern myth?" |
Smoke fills the room. |