Episode 115: Candice Bergen/transcript

Theme

	Kermit appears in the show's O.
Kermit	It's The Muppet Show, with our special guest star, Miss Candice Bergen! Woo!
	The banner rises, and the theme begins.
Chorus girls	It's time to play the music It's time to light the lights It's time to meet the Muppets On The Muppet Show tonight!
Male chorus	It's time to put on makeup It's time to dress up right It's time to raise the curtain On The Muppet Show tonight!
	The curtain opens on Fozzie.
Fozzie	Hey, question. What has a thousand legs, but can't walk? 500 pairs of pants. Ha ha.
	He wiggles his ears. The audience laughs. The curtain closes.
Kermit	To introduce our guest star, That's what I'm here to do! And it really makes me happy To introduce to you — Miss Candice Bergen! Woo!
	The cast of Muppets surround Candice.
Kermit	But now let's get things started
Kermit & gang	On the most sensational, inspirational Celebrational, Muppetational This is what we call The Muppet Show!
	Gonzo, sporting a boxing glove, punches the "O." It sounds like a ringside bell, indicating the start of a match. Gonzo stands ready for the fight!

Opening number

	Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit	Thank you. Thank you, thank you. Hey, boy, do we have a show for you tonight. Our special guest star is the beautiful Miss Candice Bergen. And she's not just another pretty face. Besides being an actress, she's a top photographer, a writer, a world traveler, what you'd call a well-rounded person.
Statler	Ha. You can say that again. Woo-woo! Woo-woo!
	He and Waldorf chuckle.
Kermit	Listen, you clowns. We're not gonna have any of those male-chauvinist-pig jokes while Miss Bergen is out here.
	Piggy peeks from the curtain.
Miss Piggy	Ahem! I'm tired of any kind of pig joke.
	She comes out.
Kermit	Uh, Piggy, what are you doing out here?
Miss Piggy	Oh, Kermit, dear, did you know that every time we have a beautiful girl on the show — heh — you forget about me?
Kermit	Uh Yeah, well, uh uh, we could have a seal act on the show, Piggy, and I might forget about you.
Miss Piggy	He tries so desperately to hide his love for me.
Kermit	Uh, yeah, but, uh…
Miss Piggy	You promised I was gonna open the show this week, flipperface.
Kermit	Uh Piggy, my love, my life...
Miss Piggy	Never mind that jazz! Listen, turkey! Mizzzzz Bergen said I should stand up for my rights. Either I open the show or Mizzzzz Bergen and I walk.
Kermit	Well, OK, OK, you can open the show, Piggy. You get to open the show.
Miss Piggy	Oh! What a surprise! Oh, thank you, my love. Mwah! Kissy, kissy.
Kermit	Uh, never let it be said that the frog is a pig. So, ladies and gentlemen, the lovely Mizzzz Piggy, and her rendition of "What Now My Love?"
	Miss Piggy sings "What Now My Love?" She is backed by three Whatnots who gradually turn into monsters.

Backstage

	Hilda accompanies a wailing Piggy as they pass by Kermit.
Kermit	Nice, Piggy. You never sounded better. (to camera) OK, so I lie a little.
Fozzie	Uh, wire for Kermit the Frog. Wire for Kermit the Frog. Oh, are you Kermit the Frog?
Kermit	Of course I am.
	He puts a wire hanger on Kermit's face.
Fozzie	Wire for you. Haaa!
Kermit	(frowning) Cute. Cute bit.
	He takes off the hanger and goes onstage.
Fozzie	Haaa! Oh! I love a good running gag.

"Put Another Log on the Fire"

	Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit	There's a great little "down home country style, sitting by the fire, whittling and fiddling" song called "Put Another Log on the Fire." Here now is that song, and here too is tonight's very special guest star, Miss Candice Bergen.
	The Hillbilly Singer sings "Put Another Log on the Fire" while Candice tries to do all the chores. At the end of the song she rebels and leaves, wearing a feminist t-shirt.

Backstage

	At his desk, Kermit looks over the rundown.
Fozzie	Letter for Kermit the Frog. Letter for Kermit the Frog. Letter for Ker— oh, are you Kermit the Frog?
Kermit	Yeesh! You know I am, Fozzie.
Fozzie	Letter for you. Haaa haa. A letter. Haa. Fun-ny. Fun-ny. Haaa. (exits)
Kermit	Someday I'm gonna get him. I don't know how, but I'm going to get him. It's not a bad joke, though.
	Scooter walks by.
Kermit	Oh, uh, letter for Scooter the gofer. Letter for Scooter the gofer.
Scooter	What's that?
Kermit	Are you Scooter the gofer?
Scooter	Well, you know I am, chief.
Kermit	There's a letter on the desk here for you.
Scooter	Well, sorry, I'll have to read it later. You see, I'm really busy getting stuff for Miss Bergen. See ya.
Fozzie	(pokes Kermit) Haaa! Haaa! Haaa! Fun-ny!

At the Dance

	Couples tango in a ballroom.
Droop	Hey, when I went to school, I was the teacher's pet.
Woman	What's the matter? Couldn't she afford a dog?
Droop	Aww!
	He starts whacking her with his nose. Meanwhile, Zoot and Janice tango.
Janice	If the queen of England was free tomorrow night, would you take her to dinner?
Zoot	Sure, babe. 'Course I would.
Janice	Well, she can't make it, so how about me?
	It takes two pigs to tango.
Male pig	You know, you dance like Rogers.
Female pig	(gasp) Oh, Ginger Rogers?
Male pig	No. Roy Rogers.
	George and Mildred tango together, as usual.
George the Janitor	Hey, Mildred, would you mind if I popped the question?
Mildred (FO)	Oh, why, of course not, George.
George the Janitor	Thanks.
	A Muppet with a balloon head reading "?" passes by. George pops his head with a pin, and laughs out loud.
Mildred (FO)	Oh, shut up.

Panel discussion

	Open on the panelists making small talk as the theme music plays. Zoom in on Kermit.
Kermit	OK, uh It's time once again, friends, time once again to raise the intellectual level of our program. And our subject tonight is, "Does travel broaden the mind?" Our panel tonight consists of Mildred Huxtetter, M.A., B.A., D.A. and D.U.M.B.
Mildred (DG)	Charmed, I'm sure.
Miss Piggy (RH)	Oh, brother.
Kermit	Miss Piggy, noted chanteuse and black belt holder.
Miss Piggy (RH)	Mm-hm. Kissy kissy.
Mildred (DG)	Ugh!
Kermit	Sam the Eagle, our resident grouch.
Sam the Eagle	Let's move it along, Frog.
Kermit	OK. And our special guest panelist Miss Clara Cartwell, well-known travel agent and author of the best-selling book, Europe on $5,000 a Day.
Candice	(posh accent) No, no, no. It's called Europe on $50 a Day. The book itself, however, costs $5,000.
Sam the Eagle	Hmmm. (nods) And probably well worth it, too.
Candice	Oh, yes. Yes.
Sam the Eagle	Yes. Pictures and everything, I bet.
Candice	Oh, yes. The works.
Kermit	OK, but uh, let's get back to our subject, which is "Does travel broaden the mind?" Uh, Miss Cartwell.
Candice	Well, as I write in my new book, Nowhere on Nothing a Day, traveling is the most broadening experience possible.
Mildred (DG)	Well, Piggy here hasn't traveled at all, and she's broader than any of us.
Miss Piggy (RH)	Watch it, needle-neck, or you won't be on the panel, you'll be under it!
	An argument breaks out.
Kermit	OK. Ladies, please control yourselves.
Sam the Eagle	Excuse me. 'Scuse me. 'Scuse me. Carla, let — let me apologize for those weirdos. I myself am a world traveler.
Candice	Is that right? Where have you been?
Sam the Eagle	Persia. I bought a rug there. Mm.
Candice	Well, I'm glad you're not wearing it. I like bald eagles. (laughs) … Oh dear.
Sam the Eagle	No, uh … Not that kind of rug.
Kermit	Yes. OK. Well, I think we're getting away from the subject, which was "Does travel broaden the mind?"
Candice	Ah. Well, absolutely no doubt about it. For example, I had a friend who never went anywhere, lived in the same town for over 30 years. She was so unsophisticated, she thought Marcello Mastroianni was an Italian soup.
	They all laugh except Sam.
Miss Piggy (RH)	It is to laugh!
Sam the Eagle	You mean it isn't an Italian soup?
Mildred (DG)	And he calls himself a world traveler?
Sam the Eagle	No, no, wait. I have been to restaurants where I have ordered Marcello Mastroianni and I've gotten it.
Candice	Really? What did you get?
Sam the Eagle	A swarthy, good-looking man sitting in a bowl. I always send him back.
Candice	What do you get when you order a Russian dressing? Rudolf Nureyev putting on his tights?
	They all laugh except Sam.
Sam the Eagle	I fail to see the humor in that.
Miss Piggy (RH)	Oh, I love it. Burst his balloon, honey, he's so pompous.
Mildred (DG)	Balloons! Speaking of balloons, either let some air out, or go on a diet. You're knocking me off the panel.
Miss Piggy (RH)	I'll knock you out of the theater in a second! You, you —
	Another argument breaks out.
Kermit	OK, ladies. Wait. Please. Please. We have a special guest with us. You'd better put your best face forward.
Mildred (DG)	And whose face is Porker here going to borrow?
Miss Piggy (RH)	That does it. Why —
	She throws blows to Mildred, knocking her under the panel.
Kermit	Wait! Well, I guess that does it for our panel. I'm sorry about that, Miss Cartwell.
Candice	Oh, no. It's been very broadening I think.
Sam the Eagle	Do you really like me without my rug?
Candice	Yes, I do. Are you busy later?
Sam the Eagle	What? No, but I could, uh... We could wing out somewhere.
Kermit	Well, uh, join us next week, when our topic will be "Air pollution: A modern myth?"
	Smoke fills the room.

UK spot

	Rowlf plays the piano and sings slowly.
Rowlf	It's not where you start — it's where you finish. It's not how you go — it's how you land. A hundred-to-one shot, they call him a klutz, Can outrun the favorite — all he needs is the guts! Your final return will not diminish, And you can be the cream of the crop. It's not where you start, it's where you finish, And I'm gonna finish on—
Scooter	Rowlf — hey, Rowlf, listen. Kermit says you sang the song too quick. You're gonna have to sing it again, but you only have a minute, OK?
Rowlf	All right. Here we go—
	He picks up the tempo.
Rowlf	It's not where you start — it's where you finish. It's not how you go — it's how you land. A hundred-to-one shot, they call him a klutz, Can outrun the favorite — all he needs is the guts — how am I doing? Your final return will not diminish, And you can be the cream of the crop. It's not where you start, it's where you finish, And I'm gonna finish on—
Scooter	(rapidly) Hey, Rowlf, Rowlf, listen. It's my uncle's favorite song. He says he'd like to hear it one more time, but you only have 20 seconds. All right, hit it!
	He REALLY picks up the tempo this time. Scooter checks his watch.
Rowlf	It's not where you start — it's where you finish. It's not how you go — it's how you land.
Scooter	That's fifteen seconds!
Rowlf	A hundred-to-one shot, they call him a klutz, Can outrun the favorite — all he needs is the guts!
Scooter	Ten seconds!
Rowlf	Your final return will not diminish, And you can be the cream of the crop.
Scooter	Five seconds! Four!
Rowlf	It's not where you start, it's where you finish,
Scooter	Three … two …
Rowlf	And I'm gonna finish on TIME!
	He collapses, out of breath.
Scooter	Nearly.

Talk spot

	Kermit poses for Candice as she takes pictures.
Kermit	Cheese. (click!) Got that?
Candice	Yeah. Um — Kermit, do you think you could do something a little more candid?
Kermit	Uh, sure. Uh, let's see. (crosses his legs) How's that? Hmmm.
Candice	Well, it's not exactly candid, Kermit, if you know what I mean.
Kermit	Oh, OK. Yes. Candid for Candice. (leans back) "Frog in repose."
Candice	What I was thinking was something a little more natural.
Kermit	More natural? Let's see. What have we got?
	He spreads his legs and looks up.
Kermit	Uh, make sure you get my good side, though.
Candice	Which one? Which side is the good side?
Kermit	(turns) I think it's this side. (turns) It might be this side over here. Or maybe … (turns) … I dunno, what do you think?
Candice	(positions him) Well, I think — I think that head-on. Why don't we try one head-on? Just naturally.
Kermit	Head-on? … OK. Although my profile has been compared to Barrymore.
Sweetums	Yeah, Ethel Barrymore.
Kermit	Uh, uh, Sweetums, if you don't mind, Candice is trying to take my picture.
Sweetums	Oh, yeah? Is that a good camera there?
Candice	Yeah. That's a terrific camera. This is an 85-210 macro zoom lens with the finest Swiss optics. This is a great camera.
Sweetums	Oh.
	He eats the camera, spitting out the lens.
Sweetums	Well, I don't know, I've tasted better. (walks away)
Candice	Kermit, he ate my camera.
Kermit	You're lucky. Last week he ate the guest.
Candice	(aside) Cute. It's a cute show.

The Swedish Chef

	Open on the Chef with some spoons.
Swedish Chef	(sings in mock Swedish) … Børk børk børk!
	He tosses the spoons.
Swedish Chef	(mock Swedish) … der spëecy spïcy chïli jøøcy.
	He displays each ingredient and puts it in the pot.
Swedish Chef	Mm. … der spëecy spïcy. (mock Swedish) … de høtsie tøtsie. (mock Swedish) … de pëpper såucën.
	He tastes it. His ears start to smoke. He doubles the recipe.
Swedish Chef	(mock Swedish) … more spëecy spïcy chïli jøøcy, de høtsie tøtsie, de pëpper såucën … (mock Swedish)
	He tastes it. His hat flies off. He faints from the impact.

"Look at That Face"

	Candice poses as a model for art students, including Piggy, Dr. Bunsen Honeydew, Gonzo, Green Frackle, Blue Frackle and Mildred — all of whom paint Candice in their own image. Andre, the instructor, sings…
Andre	Look at that face! Just look at it! Look at that fabulous face of yours. I knew first look I took at it, This was a face that the world adores.
Andre	Look at those eyes — As wise and as deep as the sea. Look at that nose— It shows what a nose should be.
Andre	As for your smile, it's lyrical, Friendly and warm as a summer's day. That face is just a miracle. Where could I ever find words to say The way that it makes me happy Whatever the time or place? I'll find in no book What I find when I look at that face.
Andre	Hm. Interesting.
Andre	Rather definitive, yes?
Andre	Of course. Why not?
Andre	Inspired, but by what?
	Candice eats some of the grapes.
Andre	The way that it makes me happy Whatever the time or place?
	Finally, he reaches Animal, who channels Jackson Pollock with his painting.
Andre	I'll find in no book What I find when I look — Animal, that does not look like her. I told you to paint her.
Animal	Oh. Thank you.
	He walks over to Candice and literally starts painting her.
Andre	(sobbing) …what I find when I look at that face.

Backstage

	At his desk, Kermit reads the paper. Fozzie enters.
Fozzie	Uh, note for Kermit the Frog. Note for Kermit the Frog.
Kermit	(groans)
Fozzie	Oh, are you Kermit the Frog?
Kermit	Yes, Fozzie, I am Kermit the Frog.
Fozzie	Note for you.
	A part of the door slides open to reveal three frogs, who sing a note.
Fozzie	G sharp. (wiggles his ears)
Kermit	Will you guys cut that out?
	The door-slot shuts on his hand and he yelps. Fozzie laughs.
Fozzie	Ha. Fun-ny! Fun-ny. I like it.

Veterinarian's Hospital

Announcer	Time now for Veterinarian's Hospital, the continuing story of an orthopedic surgeon who's gone to the dogs.
	Piggy inhales some oxygen from a tank, notices she's on camera, and runs over to the operating table. Behemoth is the patient.
Rowlf	All right. Now what's the next case?
Janice	He's right here, Dr. Bob.
Rowlf	Of course. What's this man here for?
Miss Piggy	A stomachache, Dr. Bob.
Rowlf	Stomachache, check.
	He whacks Behemoth on the stomach with a mallet.
Behemoth	(screams)
Rowlf	There, now. That should ache for some time. (laughs)
Janice	Uh, he's also here for a sore throat.
Rowlf	Easy. (raises the mallet)
Behemoth	Wait! I've got a sore throat. I want it to go away.
Rowlf	Oh. Well, why didn't you say so? (tosses the mallet) Open up your mouth. (looks deep inside his mouth) Aha. Aha — oh-ho! I see the problem immediately,
Piggy & Janice	What is it, Dr. Bob?
Rowlf	This man has a frog in his throat.
Miss Piggy	Are you certain?
Rowlf	Positive.
Kermit	(pops up) Very funny. Just see if this dumb doctor sketch ever gets on the show again. (ducks back down)
Announcer	And so Dr. Bob has found a patient with a case of ingrown TV-show host. Tune in next week, when you'll hear Dr. Bob say...
Rowlf	Oh, let's clean up around here. This operating room is a mess.
Kermit	That's nothing. You should see it in here.
	Rowlf stuffs Kermit back down.

Backstage

	Scooter, Hilda and Gonzo are gathered around Fozzie.
Fozzie	Oh! Watch this. Have I got a topper for my running gag tonight! Oh, it is too much. OK, watch. Uh, flower for Kermit the Frog! Flower for Kermit the Frog. Flow -Oh, are you Kermit the Frog?
Kermit	(sigh) You know I am, Fozzie.
	He holds up a paper bag.
Fozzie	Flour for you.
	He pours flour on Kermit, who stands there speechless. Piggy walks by.
Fozzie	Hm? Haa. Haa. See? See that? That's a joke. Yeah, and that was the punch. (wiggles his ears)
Kermit	(coughs)
Miss Piggy (RH)	No, Fozzie. This is the punch.
	She punches Fozzie, then stomps on him when he falls. She comes to Kermit's aid.

"Friends"

	Gonzo stands alone in a forest clearing.
Gonzo	And I am all alone. *sniff* There is no one here beside me. And my problems have all gone. There is no one to deride me.
Candice	I'm here. It's me. Because you have to have friends, you see, Gonzo — The feeling's oh so strong. Yes, you've got to have friends … To last that whole day long.
Blue Frackle	I had some friends but they're gone. I said, something come and took 'em away. And from the dusk to the dawn, Well, here is where I'll stay.
Candice	Well, standing at the end of the road, guys, Waiting for your new friends to come.
Gonzo & Blue Frackle	I don't care if I'm hungry or cold, I gotta get me some.
	Rowlf, Hilda and Fozzie join them, followed by Mildred, Scooter and Kermit.
Candice & Muppets	Because you've got to have friends, The feeling's oh so strong. Yes, you've got to have friends … To last that whole day long. Yes, you gotta have friends. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. Friends… La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. Friends…
Candice	(as they sing) You have to have friends, you see … you have to have friends. It's very important in life to have them, don't you think? It is, though.
Candice & Muppets	Friends… Yes, you've got to have friends…
	Applause.

Goodnights

Fozzie	Oh, boy, oh, boy, Kermit's letting me wrap up the show tonight. OK. Ahem. Now, let's thank our special guest star, Miss Candice Bergen. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Candice	Thanks, Fozzie, I had a terrific time. It's just that I'm a little worried that maybe Kermit's upset with you. You know what I mean?
Fozzie	Oh, no, no, no, no. He loves running gags. Oh, yeah. The frog…
Kermit	Pie for Fozzie the Bear. Pie for Fozzie the Bear. Are you Fozzie the Bear?
Fozzie	No.
Kermit	Good. I got a pie for you anyway.
	He shoves it in Fozzie's face, notices it didn't make much of an impact, and shoves it again. Some whipped cream lands on Candice. Fozzie reacts to this clearly unplanned moment.
Fozzie	Look what you did! Look what you did! (Kermit says something like "Revenge is sweet, huh?" to Candice while Fozzie was talking.)
Kermit	We'll see you next week on The Muppet Show.
Fozzie	You did that to the lady! The guest! Are you all right?
	The Muppets gather as the credits roll.
Waldorf	I think I ought to see a doctor.
Statler	Why do you say that?
Waldorf	I'm beginning to like the show.
Statler	(laughs)