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The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 116: Avery Schreiber.


Kermit appears in the show's O.
Kermit It's The Muppet Show, with our special guest star, Mr. Avery Schreiber!
The banner rises, and the theme begins.
Chorus girls

It's time to play the music
It's time to light the lights
It's time to meet the Muppets
On The Muppet Show tonight!

Male chorus

It's time to put on makeup
It's time to dress up right
It's time to raise the curtain
On The Muppet Show tonight!

The curtain opens on Fozzie.
Fozzie Hey, did you know that George the Janitor is so cheap that his wallet has an unlisted pocket? Am I too hip for the room? Hey...
The audience laughs. The curtain closes.

To introduce our guest star,
That's what it's time to do!
So it really makes me happy
To introduce to you —
Mr. Avery Schreiber!

The curtain opens on Avery, surrounded by Muppets from a forthcoming number.
Kermit But now let's get things started
Kermit & gang

On the most sensational, inspirational
Celebrational, Muppetational
This is what we call The Muppet Show!

Gonzo hits Beautiful Day Monster instead of the "O."

Opening number

Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit Okay! Welcome, welcome, dear friends. And we have another goodie for you. Our guest is a young man and an old friend, who's been making television and nightclub audiences laugh for many years as part of the comedy team of Burns and Schreiber. And right now, he's launching a new career as a movie performer and a television star in his own right, Mr. Avery Schreiber! So we should have another biggie, but right now, let's get things underway with our own Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem!
Floyd plays a bass riff as Dr. Teeth speaks.
Dr. Teeth Now, ladies and gentlemen, we'd like to do for you an old favorite. We like to think of our group as being able to play more than hard rock. So here's an old favorite for some of you moms and pops. It's called, and we'll play, "Tenderly."
They perform "Tenderly," but adapted to the band's loud, energetic sensibilities.
Dr. Teeth Aw, that's tender, man.
Statler I was just thinking, apropos of nothing, but is it pronounced "tomayto" or "tomahto"?
Waldorf Is what pronounced tomayto or tomahto?


The Mayhem passes by Scooter.
Scooter Great number. Warm, sensitive. My grandmother will love it.
Miss Piggy Scooter, Scooter? Oh, dear nephew of the theater owner...
Scooter Well, yes, Miss Piggy?
Miss Piggy Would you do Miss Piggy a favor?
Scooter Oh, sure. Why not?
Miss Piggy Ahem. Well, you may have noticed, I have given my love to Kermit. You may also have noticed his reluctance in returning same.
Scooter Oh, so you want me to get your love from Kermit and give it back to you. Oh, okay, where does he keep it?
Miss Piggy (aside) Amusing little twit, isn't he? (to Scooter) No, bonehead! I want you to make him jealous.
Scooter Ah, I see.
Miss Piggy I want you to tell him that Avery Schreiber is simply mad about me.
Scooter Oh, you want me to lie.
Miss Piggy Just do it.
Scooter And if I refuse?
Miss Piggy Well, then I will karate chop you until the only thing you'll be able to go for — is down for the count!
Scooter Er, one jealous frog coming up. (runs off)
Miss Piggy (singing "Frankie and Johnny") Piggy and Kermit were sweethearts …

Gladiator match

Open on a dark and misty moor setting. Reporter Kermit emerges.
Kermit Well, ladies and gentlemen, this is a momentous occasion, as the mighty gladiator, Sir Avery of Macho, is scheduled to meet and challenge the most fearsome, vicious beast known in the world today, the Monster of the Moors. Matter of fact, here comes Sir Avery now. Ladies and gentlemen, Sir Avery of Macho!
Avery emerges in armor with a trident and shield.
Avery Where is he? Where is this cretinous creature, huh? Come out! Come out! Where is he? (reacts to Kermit) Aah! Godfrey Daniels! Are you he, sir?
Kermit Oh, no, no, no, no, I am Kermit the Frog, sir.
Avery Kermit the Frog?
Kermit Yes, sir.
Avery Well, where is this monster? I'll rip him to shreds. I'll tear off his arms and legs and play pick-up-sticks. Where is he?
A clap of thunder is heard.
Avery Now, what does that mean? Is it gonna rain or something?
Kermit No, no, Matter of fact, I think that means that the monster's about to make his appearance.
Avery Is that right?
Another clap. Sweetums appears on the mountain.
Sweetums Aha! Who's gonna do what to me when, huh?
Avery Are you the Monster of the Moors?
Sweetums No, I'm Little Bo Peep. What's it to you?
Avery Aha. (to Kermit) He seems to have an overactive pituitary gland. (to Sweetums) All right, monster, this is Sir Avery of Macho! I'm here to challenge you!
Sweetums makes his way down to the ground.
Sweetums All right, I accept. (gongs Avery's shield with his club) How do you wanna fight, with swords or clubs? Name your pleasure.
Avery Well … I choose, right?
Sweetums Mm-hm.
Avery And the weapon I choose … (removes his shield and helmet) … is insults!
Sweetums Wha? Insults? (tosses his club away)
Avery That's right. Ha ha. (to Kermit) He's a lot bigger than my agent told me.
Kermit You heard that right here, folks. Uh, Sir Avery has chosen insults. And, indeed, he is known for his razor-like wit, which he's gonna need, because he's against one of the foulest mouths in the kingdom.
Avery Ready?
Sweetums Give me your best shot, fat stuff.
Avery Fat stuff? You call me fat stuff? Your mother wears open-toed combat boots!
Sweetums (laughs)
Kermit Sir Avery opened with an old standard there. Let's see how the monster answers.
Sweetums You call that an insult? Here's an insult. The last time I saw a head like yours, was in a lettuce patch!
Avery writhes a la Curly.
Kermit Look at that, Sir Avery has been hit, Sir Avery has been hit. Let's see how he answers now.
Avery Monster?
Sweetums Hm?
Avery I've been talking to your best friends.
Sweetums And?
Avery You don't have any.
Sweetums Huh?
Kermit Look at that, Sir Avery is now choosing the psychological attack.
Avery As a matter of fact — no, no, I won't tell you.
Sweetums Oh, no, please, I can take it.
Avery Nobody likes you.
Sweetums Oh! Oh! Oh!
Avery As a matter of fact, your dog doesn't like you.
Sweetums Ohhhh!
Avery In fact, I doubt if you even have a dog.
Sweetums Well I — I had a dog.
Avery You had a dog. What happened to him?
Sweetums I — I ate him!
Avery Why'd you eat him?
Sweetums Because he didn't like me!! (falls down) I give up. You win.
Avery strikes a victory pose.
Kermit Look at that, folks. It looks like it's all over now.
Sweetums Sir Avery?
Avery Yeah?
Sweetums Only one thing. When you and Burns had a comedy team, well, you were my favorite comedy team — well, second favorite, of all time.
Avery What do you mean, second favorite? Who was first?
Sweetums Starsky and Hutch! ("knocks" Avery down)
Kermit Oh, look at that, Sir Avery — Sir Avery is hit bad, and he's going down. It looks — it looks like — friends, I think it's gonna be a draw.
Avery Wait a minute, I demand a rematch! He didn't get me with his insult. It was his breath.
Sweetums (in Avery's face) Hah!
Avery stumbles away, with Kermit in tow.
Sweetums Well, so I win a lot. But it's a lonely life.
Waldorf Eh, funny man. He was great as a team. I wonder what it feels like to work alone.
Statler Ask me. I do it every week. (chuckles)

Muppet Labs

Open on Dr. Bunsen, displaying his latest invention.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew Welcome again to Muppet Labs, where the future is being made today. And here it is, folks, the product you've all been waiting for, the new solid-state gorilla detector. Yes, friends, how many times have you awakened at night in the dark and said to yourself: "Is there a gorilla in here?" And how many people do you know whose vacations were ruined because they were eaten by undetected gorillas? Well, no more of that. Whenever a gorilla comes anywhere near this device, its lights will flash and its bell will ring.
A gorilla climbs over the wall.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew Think of the safety. Think of the sense of well-being. At last, your family can be protected from the heartbreak of gorilla invasion.
Bunsen notices the gorilla as it destroys the machinery.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew That creature is not a gorilla. If he were a gorilla, the lights would flash and the bell would ring.
The gorilla continues to wreak havoc.
116 gorilla.jpg
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew Yes, Muppet technology is wonderful. It tells us that we are not seeing a gorilla smash a cabinet. So I know scientifically that I am not being eaten by a gorilla ...
The gorilla drags Bunsen away. The detector goes off. The gorilla smashes the detector.


Kermit (calls out) Scooter! Scooter? Scoot— (sees him)
Scooter Yes, boss?
Kermit Uh, Scooter, would you go for Avery and tell him to stand by for his next number?
Scooter Boss, you know there's nothing I wouldn't do for you.
Kermit Well, so far, that's what you've done – nothing.
Scooter I would climb the highest mountain. I would swim the widest river. I'd walk across burning coals —
Kermit Please! Just go get Avery.
Scooter That I can't do.
Kermit What?
Scooter Sorry, boss, but he and Miss Piggy are in his dressing room, and he told me he did not want to be disturbed.
Kermit Piggy and Avery? Are you nuts? Why, he wouldn't touch her with a ten-foot pole.
Scooter You're right. He was touching her with his hands. He was also whispering sweet nothings into her ear. Nothings like... (looks around, whispers)
Kermit Will you get out of here?! Out, out, out! (Scooter runs away) Anybody want to buy a gofer, cheap? (shakes head) … Piggy and Avery? Yecch.


Avery plays a security guard at a museum. He decides to have a bite to eat next to a "painting" of Fozzie. Whenever Avery turns away, Fozzie reaches through the frame and tries to steal his food! Finally, Avery climbs into the painting to fight Fozzie for his food. However, opportunity presents itself where they can both eat, stealing Rowlf's food.

At the Dance

Couples dance in a ballroom.
Rowlf You know, I had a bit part in a movie last week.
Woman A bit part?
Rowlf Yeah, I bit someone. (laughs)
Switch to two pigs.
Pig 1 (RH) I'm very careful with my diet. When I got on the scale this morning, I weighed 104 pounds.
Pig 2 (RH) Stripped?
Pig 1 (RH) Of course not. The drugstore was crowded.
Pig 2 (RH) Oh.
Switch to Animal and his partner.
Animal Hey, hey, let's boogie.
Woman 2 Okay.
Animal Boogie, boogie, boogie! (violently dips her)
Brewster and his partner pass by them.
Brewster I notice nothing bothers you. Are you into meditation?
Woman 2 No. Sedation.
Animal Boogie, boogie, boogie! (violently dips her)
Rowlf and his partner pass by them.
Woman They shouldn't allow his kind in here.
Rowlf You're right. He's a lousy dancer.
Woman 2 Boogie, boogie, boogie! (violently dips Animal)
Animal Thank you.

UK spot

Baskerville, Muppy, and Catgut serenade a photograph of Lassie with "May You Always."

Talk spot

Avery rubs Kermit's back.
Kermit Hey, Avery, listen, welcome to the show. It's really nice to see you again.
Avery I'm glad to see you again, Kermit. I really feel at home here, you know?
Miss Piggy (to Avery) Ah, hello, my love.
Kermit Uh, Miss Piggy, uh, listen, we were — I was just starting to talk to Avery.
Miss Piggy Oh, please, please, let me just stand here and gaze upon that adorable face.
Kermit Ah, well, there's no time for that, no matter how adorable you think my face is.
Miss Piggy Not your face, El Toado! His.
Kermit His?
Avery Ah, Miss Piggy.
Miss Piggy Oh, you can call me by my real name, which few men have called me … Pigathius.
Kermit Pigathius?
Miss Piggy Mm. It's from the Greek, meaning "river of passion."
Avery Oh, Miss Piggy …
Miss Piggy Hm?
Avery You can call me Avery. It's from the Yiddish, meaning "hold the mayo."
Kermit Well, you can both call me a cab 'cause I'm getting out of here, (to Piggy) and so are you.
Miss Piggy What? What's the matter?
Avery What's the matter?
Kermit Oh, I know what's been going on behind my back, but Miss Piggy is MY girl. You're just a guest on this show, just passing through town. She loves me, and she's gonna have dinner with me, tonight, after the show, Miss Piggy, you and me, alone!
Kermit hops away. Avery and Piggy laugh.
Miss Piggy Oh, Avery -
Avery Just like I said. It worked, didn't it?
Miss Piggy Yes! Yes! He really loves me. Oh, thank you so much…How about a smacker right on these porker lips, hm? (puckers) Kissy, kissy.
Avery Well, I - I — now, don't — don't — don't take it personally, now, I can't kiss you. You see, I mean no offense, but my my — family never even touched a pig, much less put their lips to one.
Miss Piggy Well, put your lips to this! (karate chop) Hi-YAH!

Wayne and Wanda

Sam the Eagle And now, the finest singing team since Jeanette MacDonald and Nelson Eddy. They are awe-inspiring. In fact, when I hear them sing, I go, "Awwww." Here they are, Wayne and Wanda. (mumbles) Get it right.
The curtain opens on a ballroom setting.

Some enchanted evening …
You may meet a stranger…
You may meet a stranger…

Gorgon Heap (gobble, gobble)
Wanda He said "meet"! Not "eat"! (sobs)
Gorgon Heap (shrugs) Well, sorry.

Veterinarian's Hospital

Piggy plucks her eyebrows with a pair of forceps, and quickly takes her position.
Announcer And now, Veterinarian's Hospital, the continuing stooory of an orthopedic surgeon who's gone to the dogs.
Rowlf drinks from a glass and tosses it.
Rowlf Nope, I can't. I just cannot perform this operation!
Janice But why not, Dr. Bob?
Rowlf Well, frankly, I'm chicken.
Miss Piggy No, that is a chicken.
Rowlf uncovers a chicken on the operating table.
Rowlf You're right.
Janice Uh, besides, this should be right up your alley.
Rowlf That's true, I am a bird dog. (rimshot!)
Miss Piggy Are you really?
Rowlf Sure. Every year, I fly south for the winter. (rimshot!)
Piggy & Janice (in unison) Don't your arms get tired? (rimshot!)
Rowlf There will now be a moment of silence.
Janice Why?
Rowlf For that joke that just died in the operating room. (laughs)
Miss Piggy Seriously, Doctor, what about your patient?
Rowlf Well, we have a choice. We can do a chicken appendectomy, a chicken tonsillectomy, or a chicken curry fricassee.
The chicken starts to crawl away. Rowlf restrains it.
Rowlf Whoa. Hey, we gotta do something about this turkey.
Miss Piggy It's a chicken.
Chicken I'm a chicken. The sketch is a turkey. (shave-and-a-haircut rimshot!)
Announcer So Dr. Bob has run afoul of a fowl. Tune in next week, when you'll hear Nurse Piggy say...
Miss Piggy Many of Dr. Bob's patients are chickens.
Janice Why is that?
Miss Piggy 'Cause he's for the birds!


The Vet's Hospital cast passes by Kermit.
Kermit Okay, let's move it. "Don't bask in the glory. Ten years from now, they'll have forgotten even the best of you." — Knute Rockne, 1932.
Miss Piggy (snuggles up to him) Aw, Kermit, my love, my life, I am sorry if Avery made you jealous.
Kermit (through the intercom) Uh, Fozzie Bear, stand by.
Scooter Fozzie Bear, stand by.
Miss Piggy You are jealous, aren't you?
Scooter Fozzie, stand by!
Kermit Uh, no, I'm not.
Miss Piggy But why?
Scooter Fozzie, stand by!
Kermit Well, Scooter told me it was all a trick.
Miss Piggy Scooter, stand by! (karate-chop) Hi-YAH! (kicks him away)
Kermit Nice punt. (goes onstage)
Miss Piggy Who needs ya?! Flipper face!

Fozzie's comedy act

Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit Okay, once again, it's time for the king of the one-liners, the sharp retort and the funny ears, Mr. Fozzie Bear!
Fozzie comes onstage as his fanfare plays.
Fozzie Hey, hey, hey! I'm a bear, I'm not a bunny, so here's some stuff that's really funny.
Statler Hey, hey, hey, I'm not a dope.
Waldorf And I'm no dummy.
Statler So how come your stuff …
Waldorf … is really crummy?
They chuckle.
Fozzie Hey, come on, you guys, I come out here just to give you a good time.
Statler Well, if you wanna give us a good time…
Waldorf Go back in!
They chuckle.
Fozzie Aw, gimme a break.
Avery Hey, listen. Why don't you guys leave Fozzie alone?
Fozzie Yeah. Thanks, Avery. Thanks a lot.
Avery Now, I know what it's like to be out here every night getting heckled.
Fozzie Yeah, yeah, by the audience, huh?
Avery No, by my partner.
Fozzie Oh.
Avery Yeah, I love him like a brother, but he was always concerned that the act be dignified. You know what I mean?
Fozzie Yeah.
Avery Huh?
Fozzie Yeah.
Avery Huh?
Fozzie Yeah.
Avery Huh?
Fozzie Dignified.
Avery Yeah.
Fozzie Yeah.
Avery Yeah, I asked him to do the banana-in-the-ear shtick.
Fozzie Yeah?
Avery Yeah. And he wouldn't do it.
Fozzie Oh, come on, that's funny shtick. That's a funny bit. Yeah.
Avery That's right. He said it would look dumb.
Fozzie Oh, that — oh, the banana's funny!
Avery Would you do it?
Fozzie Of course I'd do it!
Avery (hands him a banana) Try.
Fozzie Oh, terrific, a banana. Here we go. In the ear!
A drumroll. Fozzie sticks the banana in his ear.
Avery He's right. It does look kind of dumb. Well, see ya, Fozzie. (exits)
Fozzie Avery!
Avery (comes back) I was just kidding, I wouldn't leave you out here, with a banana in the ear? To show you what a good sport I am, I'll put the banana in my ear.
Fozzie Aw, nobody laughed.
A drumroll. Avery sticks the banana in his ear. The audience laughs, including Statler and Waldorf.
Waldorf Oh, look at that!
Fozzie Wait a minute. Hold it, hold it! Why is it that when I did it, you didn't laugh, but when Avery does it, you go crazy?
Waldorf Oh, it's his pace.
Statler His timing.
Waldorf His delivery.
Statler His ear.
Waldorf (laughs)
Avery (addresses camera) You see, Jack? I told you it would work. (does it again) This is the greatest thing in my life.
Statler and Waldorf continue to laugh out loud. Statler slaps Waldorf, until Waldorf punches him.

Muppet newsflash

Newsman Here's a Muppet newsflash. (runs to the desk) There is no news tonight. (runs off)

"Make a Song"

Avery plays "Make a Song" with some Koozebanians, two Fazoobs, an eel, Shakey Sanchez and Mel.
Avery Can you do that? … Everybody now.


Kermit Well, that's it for tonight. We'd like to thank our very special guest star Mr. Avery Schreiber.
Avery Thank you, Kermit. Thank you. Listen, it was a ball. I hope I didn't get you upset. Boy, Miss Piggy has a bad temper, doesn't she, huh?
Kermit Aw, listen, don't worry, I can handle Miss Piggy. You know, she's just putty in my hands. I say, "Jump!" She says, "How high?" I crack the whip, she jumps through the hoop.
Miss Piggy You open your mouth, my fist goes south. (karate-chop) Hii-yah!
Avery Gee, I love to see a man in control, Kermit.
Kermit (gets up) We'll see you all next time on The Muppet Show.
Piggy does two more karate-chops. The credits roll.
Waldorf Eh, you gotta give 'em credit.
Statler Yeah? Well, why's that?
Waldorf Well, they're gonna keep on doin' it till they get it right.
They chuckle.