Episode 116: Avery Schreiber/transcript

Theme

	Kermit appears in the show's O.
Kermit	It's The Muppet Show, with our special guest star, Mr. Avery Schreiber!
	The banner rises, and the theme begins.
Chorus girls	It's time to play the music It's time to light the lights It's time to meet the Muppets On The Muppet Show tonight!
Male chorus	It's time to put on makeup It's time to dress up right It's time to raise the curtain On The Muppet Show tonight!
	The curtain opens on Fozzie.
Fozzie	Hey, did you know that George the Janitor is so cheap that his wallet has an unlisted pocket? Am I too hip for the room? Hey...
	The audience laughs. The curtain closes.
Kermit	To introduce our guest star, That's what it's time to do! So it really makes me happy To introduce to you — Mr. Avery Schreiber!
	The curtain opens on Avery, surrounded by Muppets from a forthcoming number.
Kermit	But now let's get things started
Kermit & gang	On the most sensational, inspirational Celebrational, Muppetational This is what we call The Muppet Show!

	Gonzo hits Beautiful Day Monster instead of the "O."

Opening number

	Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit	Okay! Welcome, welcome, dear friends. And we have another goodie for you. Our guest is a young man and an old friend, who's been making television and nightclub audiences laugh for many years as part of the comedy team of Burns and Schreiber. And right now, he's launching a new career as a movie performer and a television star in his own right, Mr. Avery Schreiber! So we should have another biggie, but right now, let's get things underway with our own Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem!
	Floyd plays a bass riff as Dr. Teeth speaks.
Dr. Teeth	Now, ladies and gentlemen, we'd like to do for you an old favorite. We like to think of our group as being able to play more than hard rock. So here's an old favorite for some of you moms and pops. It's called, and we'll play, "Tenderly."

	They perform "Tenderly," but adapted to the band's loud, energetic sensibilities.
Dr. Teeth	Aw, that's tender, man.
	Applause.
Statler	I was just thinking, apropos of nothing, but is it pronounced "tomayto" or "tomahto"?
Waldorf	Is what pronounced tomayto or tomahto?

Backstage

	The Mayhem passes by Scooter.
Scooter	Great number. Warm, sensitive. My grandmother will love it.
Miss Piggy	Scooter, Scooter? Oh, dear nephew of the theater owner...
Scooter	Well, yes, Miss Piggy?
Miss Piggy	Would you do Miss Piggy a favor?
Scooter	Oh, sure. Why not?
Miss Piggy	Ahem. Well, you may have noticed, I have given my love to Kermit. You may also have noticed his reluctance in returning same.
Scooter	Oh, so you want me to get your love from Kermit and give it back to you. Oh, okay, where does he keep it?
Miss Piggy	(aside) Amusing little twit, isn't he? (to Scooter) No, bonehead! I want you to make him jealous.
Scooter	Ah, I see.
Miss Piggy	I want you to tell him that Avery Schreiber is simply mad about me.
Scooter	Oh, you want me to lie.
Miss Piggy	Just do it.
Scooter	And if I refuse?

Miss Piggy	Well, then I will karate chop you until the only thing you'll be able to go for — is down for the count!
Scooter	Er, one jealous frog coming up. (runs off)
Miss Piggy	(singing "Frankie and Johnny") Piggy and Kermit were sweethearts …

Gladiator match

	Open on a dark and misty moor setting. Reporter Kermit emerges.
Kermit	Well, ladies and gentlemen, this is a momentous occasion, as the mighty gladiator, Sir Avery of Macho, is scheduled to meet and challenge the most fearsome, vicious beast known in the world today, the Monster of the Moors. Matter of fact, here comes Sir Avery now. Ladies and gentlemen, Sir Avery of Macho!
	Avery emerges in armor with a trident and shield.
Avery	Where is he? Where is this cretinous creature, huh? Come out! Come out! Where is he? (reacts to Kermit) Aah! Godfrey Daniels! Are you he, sir?
Kermit	Oh, no, no, no, no, I am Kermit the Frog, sir.

Avery	Kermit the Frog?
Kermit	Yes, sir.
Avery	Well, where is this monster? I'll rip him to shreds. I'll tear off his arms and legs and play pick-up-sticks. Where is he?
	A clap of thunder is heard.
Avery	Now, what does that mean? Is it gonna rain or something?
Kermit	No, no, Matter of fact, I think that means that the monster's about to make his appearance.
Avery	Is that right?
	Another clap. Sweetums appears on the mountain.
Sweetums	Aha! Who's gonna do what to me when, huh?
Avery	Are you the Monster of the Moors?
Sweetums	No, I'm Little Bo Peep. What's it to you?
Avery	Aha. (to Kermit) He seems to have an overactive pituitary gland. (to Sweetums) All right, monster, this is Sir Avery of Macho! I'm here to challenge you!
	Sweetums makes his way down to the ground.
Sweetums	All right, I accept. (gongs Avery's shield with his club) How do you wanna fight, with swords or clubs? Name your pleasure.
Avery	Well … I choose, right?
Sweetums	Mm-hm.
Avery	And the weapon I choose … (removes his shield and helmet) … is insults!
Sweetums	Wha? Insults? (tosses his club away)
Avery	That's right. Ha ha. (to Kermit) He's a lot bigger than my agent told me.
Kermit	You heard that right here, folks. Uh, Sir Avery has chosen insults. And, indeed, he is known for his razor-like wit, which he's gonna need, because he's against one of the foulest mouths in the kingdom.
Avery	Ready?
Sweetums	Give me your best shot, fat stuff.
Avery	Fat stuff? You call me fat stuff? Your mother wears open-toed combat boots!
Sweetums	(laughs)
Kermit	Sir Avery opened with an old standard there. Let's see how the monster answers.
Sweetums	You call that an insult? Here's an insult. The last time I saw a head like yours, was in a lettuce patch!
	Avery writhes a la Curly.
Kermit	Look at that, Sir Avery has been hit, Sir Avery has been hit. Let's see how he answers now.
Avery	Monster?
Sweetums	Hm?
Avery	I've been talking to your best friends.
Sweetums	And?
Avery	You don't have any.

Sweetums	Huh?
Kermit	Look at that, Sir Avery is now choosing the psychological attack.
Avery	As a matter of fact — no, no, I won't tell you.
Sweetums	Oh, no, please, I can take it.
Avery	Nobody likes you.
Sweetums	Oh! Oh! Oh!
Avery	As a matter of fact, your dog doesn't like you.
Sweetums	Ohhhh!
Avery	In fact, I doubt if you even have a dog.
Sweetums	Well I — I had a dog.
Avery	You had a dog. What happened to him?
Sweetums	I — I ate him!
Avery	Why'd you eat him?
Sweetums	Because he didn't like me!! (falls down) I give up. You win.
	Avery strikes a victory pose.
Kermit	Look at that, folks. It looks like it's all over now.
Sweetums	Sir Avery?
Avery	Yeah?
Sweetums	Only one thing. When you and Burns had a comedy team, well, you were my favorite comedy team — well, second favorite, of all time.
Avery	What do you mean, second favorite? Who was first?
Sweetums	Starsky and Hutch! ("knocks" Avery down)
Kermit	Oh, look at that, Sir Avery — Sir Avery is hit bad, and he's going down. It looks — it looks like — friends, I think it's gonna be a draw.
Avery	Wait a minute, I demand a rematch! He didn't get me with his insult. It was his breath.
Sweetums	(in Avery's face) Hah!
	Avery stumbles away, with Kermit in tow.
Sweetums	Well, so I win a lot. But it's a lonely life.
	Applause.
Waldorf	Eh, funny man. He was great as a team. I wonder what it feels like to work alone.
Statler	Ask me. I do it every week. (chuckles)

Muppet Labs

	Open on Dr. Bunsen, displaying his latest invention.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	Welcome again to Muppet Labs, where the future is being made today. And here it is, folks, the product you've all been waiting for, the new solid-state gorilla detector. Yes, friends, how many times have you awakened at night in the dark and said to yourself: "Is there a gorilla in here?" And how many people do you know whose vacations were ruined because they were eaten by undetected gorillas? Well, no more of that. Whenever a gorilla comes anywhere near this device, its lights will flash and its bell will ring.
	A gorilla climbs over the wall.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	Think of the safety. Think of the sense of well-being. At last, your family can be protected from the heartbreak of gorilla invasion.
	Bunsen notices the gorilla as it destroys the machinery.

Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	That creature is not a gorilla. If he were a gorilla, the lights would flash and the bell would ring.
	The gorilla continues to wreak havoc.

Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	Yes, Muppet technology is wonderful. It tells us that we are not seeing a gorilla smash a cabinet. So I know scientifically that I am not being eaten by a gorilla ...

	The gorilla drags Bunsen away. The detector goes off. The gorilla smashes the detector.

Backstage

Kermit	(calls out) Scooter! Scooter? Scoot— (sees him)
Scooter	Yes, boss?
Kermit	Uh, Scooter, would you go for Avery and tell him to stand by for his next number?

Scooter	Boss, you know there's nothing I wouldn't do for you.
Kermit	Well, so far, that's what you've done – nothing.
Scooter	I would climb the highest mountain. I would swim the widest river. I'd walk across burning coals —
Kermit	Please! Just go get Avery.
Scooter	That I can't do.
Kermit	What?
Scooter	Sorry, boss, but he and Miss Piggy are in his dressing room, and he told me he did not want to be disturbed.
Kermit	Piggy and Avery? Are you nuts? Why, he wouldn't touch her with a ten-foot pole.
Scooter	You're right. He was touching her with his hands. He was also whispering sweet nothings into her ear. Nothings like... (looks around, whispers)
Kermit	Will you get out of here?! Out, out, out! (Scooter runs away) Anybody want to buy a gofer, cheap? (shakes head) … Piggy and Avery? Yecch.

Museum


	Avery plays a security guard at a museum. He decides to have a bite to eat next to a "painting" of Fozzie. Whenever Avery turns away, Fozzie reaches through the frame and tries to steal his food! Finally, Avery climbs into the painting to fight Fozzie for his food. However, opportunity presents itself where they can both eat, stealing Rowlf's food.

At the Dance

	Couples dance in a ballroom.
Rowlf	You know, I had a bit part in a movie last week.
Woman	A bit part?
Rowlf	Yeah, I bit someone. (laughs)
	Switch to two pigs.
Pig 1 (RH)	I'm very careful with my diet. When I got on the scale this morning, I weighed 104 pounds.
Pig 2 (RH)	Stripped?
Pig 1 (RH)	Of course not. The drugstore was crowded.
Pig 2 (RH)	Oh.
	Switch to Animal and his partner.
Animal	Hey, hey, let's boogie.
Woman 2	Okay.

Animal	Boogie, boogie, boogie! (violently dips her)
	Brewster and his partner pass by them.
Brewster	I notice nothing bothers you. Are you into meditation?
Woman 2	No. Sedation.
Animal	Boogie, boogie, boogie! (violently dips her)
	Rowlf and his partner pass by them.
Woman	They shouldn't allow his kind in here.
Rowlf	You're right. He's a lousy dancer.
Woman 2	Boogie, boogie, boogie! (violently dips Animal)
Animal	Thank you.

UK spot


	Baskerville, Muppy, and Catgut serenade a photograph of Lassie with "May You Always."

Talk spot

	Avery rubs Kermit's back.
Kermit	Hey, Avery, listen, welcome to the show. It's really nice to see you again.
Avery	I'm glad to see you again, Kermit. I really feel at home here, you know?
Miss Piggy	(to Avery) Ah, hello, my love.
Kermit	Uh, Miss Piggy, uh, listen, we were — I was just starting to talk to Avery.
Miss Piggy	Oh, please, please, let me just stand here and gaze upon that adorable face.
Kermit	Ah, well, there's no time for that, no matter how adorable you think my face is.
Miss Piggy	Not your face, El Toado! His.
Kermit	His?
Avery	Ah, Miss Piggy.
Miss Piggy	Oh, you can call me by my real name, which few men have called me … Pigathius.

Kermit	Pigathius?
Miss Piggy	Mm. It's from the Greek, meaning "river of passion."
Avery	Oh, Miss Piggy …
Miss Piggy	Hm?
Avery	You can call me Avery. It's from the Yiddish, meaning "hold the mayo."
Kermit	Well, you can both call me a cab 'cause I'm getting out of here, (to Piggy) and so are you.
Miss Piggy	What? What's the matter?
Avery	What's the matter?
Kermit	Oh, I know what's been going on behind my back, but Miss Piggy is MY girl. You're just a guest on this show, just passing through town. She loves me, and she's gonna have dinner with me, tonight, after the show, Miss Piggy, you and me, alone!
	Kermit hops away. Avery and Piggy laugh.
Miss Piggy	Oh, Avery -
Avery	Just like I said. It worked, didn't it?
Miss Piggy	Yes! Yes! He really loves me. Oh, thank you so much…How about a smacker right on these porker lips, hm? (puckers) Kissy, kissy.
Avery	Well, I - I — now, don't — don't — don't take it personally, now, I can't kiss you. You see, I mean no offense, but my my — family never even touched a pig, much less put their lips to one.
Miss Piggy	Well, put your lips to this! (karate chop) Hi-YAH!

Wayne and Wanda

Sam the Eagle	And now, the finest singing team since Jeanette MacDonald and Nelson Eddy. They are awe-inspiring. In fact, when I hear them sing, I go, "Awwww." Here they are, Wayne and Wanda. (mumbles) Get it right.
	The curtain opens on a ballroom setting.
Wayne	Some enchanted evening … You may meet a stranger… You may meet a stranger…

Gorgon Heap	(gobble, gobble)
Wanda	He said "meet"! Not "eat"! (sobs)
Gorgon Heap	(shrugs) Well, sorry.

Veterinarian's Hospital

	Piggy plucks her eyebrows with a pair of forceps, and quickly takes her position.
Announcer	And now, Veterinarian's Hospital, the continuing stooory of an orthopedic surgeon who's gone to the dogs.
	Rowlf drinks from a glass and tosses it.
Rowlf	Nope, I can't. I just cannot perform this operation!
Janice	But why not, Dr. Bob?
Rowlf	Well, frankly, I'm chicken.
Miss Piggy	No, that is a chicken.
	Rowlf uncovers a chicken on the operating table.
Rowlf	You're right.

Janice	Uh, besides, this should be right up your alley.
Rowlf	That's true, I am a bird dog. (rimshot!)
Miss Piggy	Are you really?
Rowlf	Sure. Every year, I fly south for the winter. (rimshot!)
Piggy & Janice	(in unison) Don't your arms get tired? (rimshot!)
Rowlf	There will now be a moment of silence.
Janice	Why?
Rowlf	For that joke that just died in the operating room. (laughs)
Miss Piggy	Seriously, Doctor, what about your patient?
Rowlf	Well, we have a choice. We can do a chicken appendectomy, a chicken tonsillectomy, or a chicken curry fricassee.
	The chicken starts to crawl away. Rowlf restrains it.
Rowlf	Whoa. Hey, we gotta do something about this turkey.
Miss Piggy	It's a chicken.
Chicken	I'm a chicken. The sketch is a turkey. (shave-and-a-haircut rimshot!)
Announcer	So Dr. Bob has run afoul of a fowl. Tune in next week, when you'll hear Nurse Piggy say...
Miss Piggy	Many of Dr. Bob's patients are chickens.
Janice	Why is that?
Miss Piggy	'Cause he's for the birds!

Backstage

	The Vet's Hospital cast passes by Kermit.
Kermit	Okay, let's move it. "Don't bask in the glory. Ten years from now, they'll have forgotten even the best of you." — Knute Rockne, 1932.
Miss Piggy	(snuggles up to him) Aw, Kermit, my love, my life, I am sorry if Avery made you jealous.
Kermit	(through the intercom) Uh, Fozzie Bear, stand by.

Scooter	Fozzie Bear, stand by.
Miss Piggy	You are jealous, aren't you?
Scooter	Fozzie, stand by!
Kermit	Uh, no, I'm not.
Miss Piggy	But why?
Scooter	Fozzie, stand by!
Kermit	Well, Scooter told me it was all a trick.
Miss Piggy	Scooter, stand by! (karate-chop) Hi-YAH! (kicks him away)
Kermit	Nice punt. (goes onstage)
Miss Piggy	Who needs ya?! Flipper face!

Fozzie's comedy act

	Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit	Okay, once again, it's time for the king of the one-liners, the sharp retort and the funny ears, Mr. Fozzie Bear!
	Fozzie comes onstage as his fanfare plays.
Fozzie	Hey, hey, hey! I'm a bear, I'm not a bunny, so here's some stuff that's really funny.
Statler	Hey, hey, hey, I'm not a dope.
Waldorf	And I'm no dummy.
Statler	So how come your stuff …
Waldorf	… is really crummy?
	They chuckle.
Fozzie	Hey, come on, you guys, I come out here just to give you a good time.
Statler	Well, if you wanna give us a good time…
Waldorf	Go back in!
	They chuckle.
Fozzie	Aw, gimme a break.
Avery	Hey, listen. Why don't you guys leave Fozzie alone?
Fozzie	Yeah. Thanks, Avery. Thanks a lot.
Avery	Now, I know what it's like to be out here every night getting heckled.
Fozzie	Yeah, yeah, by the audience, huh?
Avery	No, by my partner.
Fozzie	Oh.
Avery	Yeah, I love him like a brother, but he was always concerned that the act be dignified. You know what I mean?
Fozzie	Yeah.
Avery	Huh?
Fozzie	Yeah.
Avery	Huh?
Fozzie	Yeah.
Avery	Huh?
Fozzie	Dignified.
Avery	Yeah.
Fozzie	Yeah.
Avery	Yeah, I asked him to do the banana-in-the-ear shtick.
Fozzie	Yeah?
Avery	Yeah. And he wouldn't do it.
Fozzie	Oh, come on, that's funny shtick. That's a funny bit. Yeah.
Avery	That's right. He said it would look dumb.
Fozzie	Oh, that — oh, the banana's funny!
Avery	Would you do it?
Fozzie	Of course I'd do it!
Avery	(hands him a banana) Try.
Fozzie	Oh, terrific, a banana. Here we go. In the ear!
	A drumroll. Fozzie sticks the banana in his ear.
Avery	He's right. It does look kind of dumb. Well, see ya, Fozzie. (exits)
Fozzie	Avery!
Avery	(comes back) I was just kidding, I wouldn't leave you out here, with a banana in the ear? To show you what a good sport I am, I'll put the banana in my ear.
Fozzie	Aw, nobody laughed.

	A drumroll. Avery sticks the banana in his ear. The audience laughs, including Statler and Waldorf.
Waldorf	Oh, look at that!
Fozzie	Wait a minute. Hold it, hold it! Why is it that when I did it, you didn't laugh, but when Avery does it, you go crazy?
Waldorf	Oh, it's his pace.
Statler	His timing.
Waldorf	His delivery.
Statler	His ear.
Waldorf	(laughs)
Avery	(addresses camera) You see, Jack? I told you it would work. (does it again) This is the greatest thing in my life.
	Statler and Waldorf continue to laugh out loud. Statler slaps Waldorf, until Waldorf punches him.

Muppet newsflash


Newsman	Here's a Muppet newsflash. (runs to the desk) There is no news tonight. (runs off)

"Make a Song"


	Avery plays "Make a Song" with some Koozebanians, two Fazoobs, an eel, Shakey Sanchez and Ohboy Bird.
Avery	Can you do that? … Everybody now.

Goodnights

Kermit	Well, that's it for tonight. We'd like to thank our very special guest star Mr. Avery Schreiber.
Avery	Thank you, Kermit. Thank you. Listen, it was a ball. I hope I didn't get you upset. Boy, Miss Piggy has a bad temper, doesn't she, huh?
Kermit	Aw, listen, don't worry, I can handle Miss Piggy. You know, she's just putty in my hands. I say, "Jump!" She says, "How high?" I crack the whip, she jumps through the hoop.

Miss Piggy	You open your mouth, my fist goes south. (karate-chop) Hii-yah!
Avery	Gee, I love to see a man in control, Kermit.
Kermit	(gets up) We'll see you all next time on The Muppet Show.
	Piggy does two more karate-chops. The credits roll.
Waldorf	Eh, you gotta give 'em credit.
Statler	Yeah? Well, why's that?
Waldorf	Well, they're gonna keep on doin' it till they get it right.
	They chuckle.