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Open on a dark and misty moor setting. Reporter Kermit emerges.
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Kermit
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Well, ladies and gentlemen, this is a momentous occasion, as the mighty gladiator, Sir Avery of Macho, is scheduled to meet and challenge the most fearsome, vicious beast known in the world today, the Monster of the Moors. Matter of fact, here comes Sir Avery now. Ladies and gentlemen, Sir Avery of Macho!
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Avery emerges in armor with a trident and shield.
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Avery
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Where is he? Where is this cretinous creature, huh? Come out! Come out! Where is he? (reacts to Kermit) Aah! Godfrey Daniels! Are you he, sir?
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Kermit
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Oh, no, no, no, no, I am Kermit the Frog, sir.
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Avery
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Kermit the Frog?
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Kermit
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Yes, sir.
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Avery
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Well, where is this monster? I'll rip him to shreds. I'll tear off his arms and legs and play pick-up-sticks. Where is he?
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A clap of thunder is heard.
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Avery
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Now, what does that mean? Is it gonna rain or something?
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Kermit
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No, no, Matter of fact, I think that means that the monster's about to make his appearance.
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Avery
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Is that right?
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Another clap. Sweetums appears on the mountain.
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Sweetums
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Aha! Who's gonna do what to me when, huh?
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Avery
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Are you the Monster of the Moors?
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Sweetums
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No, I'm Little Bo Peep. What's it to you?
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Avery
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Aha. (to Kermit) He seems to have an overactive pituitary gland. (to Sweetums) All right, monster, this is Sir Avery of Macho! I'm here to challenge you!
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Sweetums makes his way down to the ground.
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Sweetums
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All right, I accept. (gongs Avery's shield with his club) How do you wanna fight, with swords or clubs? Name your pleasure.
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Avery
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Well … I choose, right?
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Sweetums
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Mm-hm.
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Avery
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And the weapon I choose … (removes his shield and helmet) … is insults!
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Sweetums
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Wha? Insults? (tosses his club away)
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Avery
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That's right. Ha ha. (to Kermit) He's a lot bigger than my agent told me.
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Kermit
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You heard that right here, folks. Uh, Sir Avery has chosen insults. And, indeed, he is known for his razor-like wit, which he's gonna need, because he's against one of the foulest mouths in the kingdom.
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Avery
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Ready?
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Sweetums
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Give me your best shot, fat stuff.
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Avery
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Fat stuff? You call me fat stuff? Your mother wears open-toed combat boots!
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Sweetums
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(laughs)
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Kermit
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Sir Avery opened with an old standard there. Let's see how the monster answers.
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Sweetums
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You call that an insult? Here's an insult. The last time I saw a head like yours, was in a lettuce patch!
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Avery writhes a la Curly.
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Kermit
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Look at that, Sir Avery has been hit, Sir Avery has been hit. Let's see how he answers now.
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Avery
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Monster?
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Sweetums
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Hm?
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Avery
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I've been talking to your best friends.
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Sweetums
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And?
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Avery
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You don't have any.
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Sweetums
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Huh?
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Kermit
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Look at that, Sir Avery is now choosing the psychological attack.
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Avery
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As a matter of fact — no, no, I won't tell you.
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Sweetums
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Oh, no, please, I can take it.
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Avery
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Nobody likes you.
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Sweetums
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Oh! Oh! Oh!
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Avery
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As a matter of fact, your dog doesn't like you.
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Sweetums
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Ohhhh!
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Avery
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In fact, I doubt if you even have a dog.
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Sweetums
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Well I — I had a dog.
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Avery
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You had a dog. What happened to him?
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Sweetums
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I — I ate him!
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Avery
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Why'd you eat him?
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Sweetums
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Because he didn't like me!! (falls down) I give up. You win.
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Avery strikes a victory pose.
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Kermit
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Look at that, folks. It looks like it's all over now.
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Sweetums
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Sir Avery?
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Avery
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Yeah?
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Sweetums
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Only one thing. When you and Burns had a comedy team, well, you were my favorite comedy team — well, second favorite, of all time.
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Avery
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What do you mean, second favorite? Who was first?
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Sweetums
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Starsky and Hutch! ("knocks" Avery down)
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Kermit
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Oh, look at that, Sir Avery — Sir Avery is hit bad, and he's going down. It looks — it looks like — friends, I think it's gonna be a draw.
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Avery
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Wait a minute, I demand a rematch! He didn't get me with his insult. It was his breath.
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Sweetums
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(in Avery's face) Hah!
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Avery stumbles away, with Kermit in tow.
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Sweetums
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Well, so I win a lot. But it's a lonely life.
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Applause.
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Waldorf
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Eh, funny man. He was great as a team. I wonder what it feels like to work alone.
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Statler
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Ask me. I do it every week. (chuckles)
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