IIt's The Muppet Show, with our special guest star, Mr. Ben Vereen! Whoo!
The banner rises, and the theme begins.
Chorus girls
It's time to play the music It's time to light the lights It's time to meet the Muppets On The Muppet Show tonight!
Male chorus
It's time to put on makeup It's time to dress up right It's time to raise the curtain On The Muppet Show tonight!
The curtain opens on Fozzie.
Fozzie
Hey! I wouldn't say that The Great Gonzo is dumb, but when he graduated from school, he didn't get a diploma, he got a pension. Ah?
The audience laughs. The curtain closes.
Kermit
To introduce our guest star, That's what I'm here to do! So it really makes me happy To introduce to you —
Mr. Ben Vereen!
Open on Ben, who makes "jazz hands" as Muppets gather around him.
Kermit
But now let's get things started
Kermit & gang
On the most sensational, inspirational Celebrational, Muppetational This is what we call The Muppet Show!
A Green Frackle whacks Gonzo with his own mallet.
Opening number[]
Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit
Hi-ho, hi-ho, and welcome again to The Muppet Show. Hey, our special guest tonight is a young man who soared to stardom on Broadway in Pippin, had his own television series, and is one of the really multitalented performers in show business, Mr. Ben Vereen. He really moves, and, speaking of that, let's get things moving right now on The Muppet Show!
Heh. No doubt about it, I'm beginning to like this show.
Statler
Really?
Waldorf
Yep, it's really starting to grab me.
Statler
Hmm.
Two fuzzy orange hands grab Waldorf.
Statler
Something's starting to grab you. (laughs)
Backstage[]
The Muppet dancers from the opening number pass by Kermit, including the two-headed singer.
Dancer (JN)
I don't care! Next time, use a deodorant!
Kermit
Nice. Nice number.
Green head
I wear the pants in this act.
Kermit
That was great. Really hep to the jive.
He walks over to Fozzie, curious about a big green box.
Fozzie
Hey, Kermit, Kermit? Hey, wha — what is this?
Kermit
Oh, that belongs to uh, Marvel the Magician. It's for next week's show.
Fozzie
Oh, that's very interesting.
Kermit
Yeah, but Fozzie, don't go in there.
Fozzie
Oh, come on, Kermit, I'm a big bear. I won't hurt anything.
Kermit
Yeah, but Fozzie, don't slam that door.
Fozzie steps into the box and closes it.
Fozzie
I didn't slam it. I closed it very quietly.
Kermit
Yeah, and you're never gonna open it again.
Fozzie
Wh-what do you mean?
Kermit
Well, I tried to tell you it's a trick door. Only Marvel the Magician can open it.
Fozzie
But — but Kermit, I have an act to do! Go get Marvel!
Kermit
I can't. He's in Toledo. (walks off)
Fozzie
And I'm in big trouble.
"Mr. Cellophane"[]
Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit
Okay, right now I'd like to introduce Ben Vereen, a blockbuster of a talent.
Crazy Harry pops up in the balcony.
Crazy Harry
Did somebody say "blockbuster"?
Statler
Hit the dirt!
He and Waldorf duck. Harry sets off an explosion and laughs.
Kermit
Well, there's uh, nothing like starting off with an explosive opening. Heh. Uh, hey, listen, you wanna have George the Janitor clean up that mess? Uh, now, as I was saying, we have a real dynamite guest tonight …
Crazy Harry
Did somebody say "dynamite"? (Explosion.)
Waldorf
I'm beginning to get a slight headache.
Kermit
Hey, will somebody throw a net over Crazy Harry so we can get the show rolling? Right now I'd like to introduce our guest star — and you better not interfere with his act, Crazy Harry, because he has a short fuse.
Crazy Harry
Did someone send for a short fuse?
Kermit
Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Ben Vereen!
Explosion.
Ben sings "Mr. Cellophane" and plays the titular, unseen character.
Ben
I hope I didn't take up too much of your time.
He vanishes while walking away. Applause.
Statler
I think the guests that come on this show should get combat pay.
Waldorf
What about us?
Statler
Well, we're volunteers.
Waldorf
Maybe you are. I was drafted into this chicken outfit.
Statler
Oh.
Backstage[]
Fozzie is still trapped inside the green box. Kermit bangs on the box with a hammer.
Kermit
It's no use, Fozzie. I don't think we'll ever get this thing open before the end of the show.
Fozzie
Oh, I feel awful.
Kermit
Yeah? Well, that's the way it goes.
Fozzie
Well, I feel so sorry for everyone.
Kermit
How do you mean?
Fozzie
Well, they'll all be so disappointed when you tell them that today's show is canceled.
Kermit
Canceled?
Fozzie
Mm, yeah. Well, obviously you cannot do the show without me.
Kermit
Um … uh … Fozzie … (aside) How shall I break this to him?
Fozzie
What?
Kermit
Uh, Fozzie, there is one alternative to canceling the show.
Fozzie
Oh, there is? Yeah?
Kermit
Uh, We can replace you.
Fozzie faints.
Kermit
Fozzie? … He takes these things kind of hard.
Muppet newsflash[]
Newsman
Here's a Muppet news bulletin. (runs to the desk) Dateline, New Brunswick. Mr. Melvin Cosgrove climbed a 30-foot pole and scrambled onto a six-by-six-foot platform. His goal: to break the world's record in flagpole sitting. That was 16 years ago, and yesterday his wife started wondering how Cosgrove was doing, especially since he was 84 years old when he started.
Newsman
Authorities climbed the pole this morning and found that he had indeed passed away. As a fitting tribute to her brave husband, Mrs. Cosgrove announced that for the next ten days, she will fly him at half-mast.
He scowls and walks away.
At the Dance[]
Couples dance in a ballroom, starting with Mildred and George.
Mildred
You know, I, uh, picked up a hitchhiker the other day.
George the Janitor
Oh, really?
Mildred
Yes, well, it's only right. I was the one who knocked him down.
We go on to Zoot and Janice.
Janice
Tell me, do you like bathing beauties?
Zoot
I don't know, I've never bathed one.
And on to two pigs.
Male pig
You know, last week my cousin was seen on television by 30 million people.
Female pig
Oh, what is he, a rock star?
Male pig
No, a football.
And on to two Whatnots dancing cheek-to-cheek.
Green Whatnot
You know, I really got my eye on you.
Pink Whatnot
Oh, really?
He lifts his head and his eye sticks to hers.
Green Whatnot
Really.
Uh-oh … it's that loud lady again.
Loud lady
(loudly) Herman, today I auditioned as an announcer for a TV show. Yeah, but they didn't hire me. You know why? Because I'm a woman, that's why! Discrimination! Are you listening to me?!
Herman
What kind of a program was it?
Loud lady
Sermonette.
Back to Zoot and Janice.
Janice
Did you know the Rolling Stones are here tonight?
Zoot
No kidding? They're my favorite singing group.
Janice
No, these are the other rolling stones.
Three giant rocks roll by.
UK spot[]
Rowlf plays "Für Elise" (sometimes hurting his hands on the keyboard).
Talk spot[]
Kermit
Hey, you know, it's really great to have you on the show. You're — why, Ben, you're just a bundle of energy,
Ben
(laughs) Yeah, well, as a dancer, I try to keep in shape, you know.
Kermit
Oh, you're telling me. I've seen you dancing on Broadway and television and movies. Why, you must work out a lot, huh?
Ben
(laughs) Well, yes, because you see, Kermit, as a dancer, your body is one of the most important things you have. Did you ever stop to think where, would you be without your, um … your body?
Kermit
Uh … no, no, I never asked myself that, but it's a darn good question.
Ben
(laughs) You see, as a dancer, I've gotta be able to go to a leap, uh, with great explosive power, you see…
Crazy Harry
Did somebody say "explosive power"?
Kermit
No!
Ben
No!
Explosion. Harry's explosion propels Ben into the air. Kermit looks up and sees Ben hanging from the rafters.
Kermit
Nice. Nice leap.
Waldorf
Well, time for a tea break.
Statler
All right.
He knocks the teacup off the balcony.
Waldorf
Literal chap, isn't he?
Backstage[]
Fozzie is still stuck in the green box.
Fozzie
Kermit? Kermit! Kermit!
Kermit
Hmm?
Fozzie
Oh — Kermit! Hey, you can't do the show without me.
Kermit
Well, Fozzie, what choice have I got?
Fozzie
Bu— but a Muppet Show without Fozzie Bear? It's like Gilbert without Sullivan. Ham without cheese. Poca without hontas.
Kermit
"Poca without hontas"?
Fozzie
Yeah.
Kermit
What's a poca?
Polka music begins playing. George the Janitor and Miss Piggy dance by.
Kermit
I know, I know! That's a polka! Will you guys get out of here? (shoves them away)
Fozzie
Aaaah! … See? Even in a box I'm funny. You need me! The show needs me, Kermit! Who cares about a frog? I'm stuck.
Veterinarian's Hospital[]
Piggy pretends to be a dog, using a metal mask as a muzzle. She takes her position.
Announcer
And now Veterinarian's Hospital, the continuing stooory of a former orthopedic surgeon who's gone to the dogs.
George the Janitor is the patient. Rowlf sings and dances.
Rowlf
Hut-Sut Ralston on the rillerah, with a brawla, brawla sooet …
Miss Piggy (RH)
Dr. Bob, you can't sing at a time like this.
Rowlf
I'm not singing "At a Time Like This," I'm singing "Hut-Sut Ralston." (laughs) An oldie but goodie. (laughs)
George the Janitor
How'd I ever get myself into this sketch?
Rowlf
Take it easy, George.
George the Janitor
Ehh.
Janice
Dr. Bob, the patient is sinking.
Rowlf
Well, I vonder vat he is sinking about.
Others
(groan)
Rowlf
Well, laugh it up, nurse. These are the jokes.
Janice
The only joke around here is you, Dr. Bob. This patient needs your assistance.
Rowlf
Well, you're my assistants, but what he's gonna do with the two of you, I'll never know. (laughs)
George the Janitor
Look, either give me some help or let me outta here.
Rowlf
Well, what seems to be your trouble?
George the Janitor
I keep breaking out in a cold sweat.
Rowlf
(looks under the sheet) Oh-ho! Well, I see. You have a clear case of Penn-transit-phobia.
Others
Huh?
Rowlf
That's a dread fear of traveling through the state of Pennsylvania. (laughs)
Miss Piggy (RH)
Enough of these pitiful jokes, Dr. Bob. You've dedicated yourself to saving lives.
Rowlf
You're right. I saved six lives this week.
George the Janitor
By operating?
Rowlf
No, by not operating.
They all laugh except George.
Janice
Dr. Bob, you've given this hospital a bad name.
Rowlf
You're right. Fred is a terrible name for a hospital. (laughs) I'll have to give it a better name. How about Eunice?
George the Janitor
This is impossible. Do you have a license?
Rowlf
Of course. Every dog has a license. The leash laws are really rough. (laughs)
George the Janitor
You dummy. I mean, do you have a license to practice?
Rowlf
Yes, and I'm going to practice on you right now. Bongos.
Miss Piggy (RH)
Bongos, Dr. Bob.
George the Janitor
Bongos?
Rowlf begins playing the bongos.
Announcer
And so Dr. Bob is about to begin his bongo practice. Tune in next week, when we'll hear Nurse Piggy say...
Miss Piggy (RH)
(gasp) Dr. Bob, it's too late. You've lost him.
Rowlf
Well, he couldn't have gone far. He was under the sheet just a second ago.
Others
(groan)
Talking Houses[]
Zoom in on the two left houses.
House 2
My uncle's into poetry. He loves Edgar Guest.
House 1
Why?
House 2
Why else? He's a Guest house.
Zoom out. Musical button.
Blackout[]
Hilda
Ben, how are you enjoying the show?
Ben
(laughs) Aw, Hilda … (kisses her hand) I'm getting such a big charge out of it.
Crazy Harry
You say you want a big charge?
Both
No!
Explosion. Ben winds up in the rafters again.
Crazy Harry
(laughs)
Ben
You know, I'm getting a little tired of this.
Wayne and Wanda[]
Main stage. Sam stands on the proscenium.
Sam the Eagle
Once again it is my great pleasure to introduce Wayne and Wanda, and their stirring version of "I'll Know."
Open on a gazebo setting. Music swells up.
Wayne
I'll know, when my love comes along—
Ai-yi-yi-yi!
He sees an attractive woman and follows her, ditching Wanda.
Wanda
Wayne! (scowls)
Backstage[]
Fozzie is still trapped in the box.
Hilda
At least, Fozzie, you will be glad to know that the show is dying without you.
Fozzie
Oh, really?
Hilda
Would I lie?
Gonzo and Scooter pass by.
Gonzo
Did you hear them out there, Scooter? They love me. Me, The Great Gonzo.
Scooter
Boy, that's the greatest show we've ever done.
Hilda
So … I lie.
Fozzie
(moans)
Hilda
Oh, it could be worse, Fozzie. This little door could be shut.
She taps it, and it shuts.
Hilda
Things are worse. See you, babushka. (walks away)
Fozzie
Hilda! Hilda!
Kermit
Fozzie?
Fozzie
Hilda?
Kermit
Fozzie, is that you?
Fozzie
Who's that?
Kermit
It's Kermit the Frog.
Fozzie
Kermit!
Kermit
Hey, listen, I've decided not to cut you from the show.
Fozzie
Oh, thank you, Kermit.
Kermit
Okay, get him onstage, fellas!
Fozzie
Wha?
Fozzie's comedy act[]
Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit
Well, folks, here comes the act you've all been waiting for. The Muppet Show 's own great comedian— here he is now, feeling a little uh … "cagey" tonight — but nevertheless still the old master of mirth, Mr. Fozzie Bear!
The curtain opens as Fozzie's fanfare plays. Two pigs drag the green box onstage.
Fozzie
Thank you! Thank you! Hey, it's really great to be here. Huh. I spent the whole day at the doctor. I said, "Doc, it hurts when I do this." He says, "Don't do that." … Are you laughing? It's hard to hear. Ahem. Uh, then the doctor said, "Have you ever had this before?" I said, "Yes." He says, "Well, you got it again." Uh … Thank you, thank you. You've been a wonderful audience. Please get me off.
The pigs drag him away.
Kermit
Great, great, great! Let's all hear it for Fozzie Bear. Come on out and take a bow, Fozzie.
The pigs drag him back on for a curtain call. They tip him over for his "bow" and drag him away.
Fozzie
This is humiliating.
"Pure Imagination"[]
Kermit
Okay, okay. And now, folks, once again, Mr. Ben Vereen.
Open on a rooftop setting. Droop sits, looking blue.
Droop
Oh, boy. This place is so dull. I hate it here. It's so dull. (sigh)
Ben
Hi, Droop.
Droop
Oh, hi, Ben.
Ben
Hey, look, I can take you out of this place, y'know?
Droop
No, thanks. I'm not allowed to cross the street.
Ben
No, no, that's not what I mean.
Droop
Hmm?
Ben
Listen.
He sings "Pure Imagination". One of the Small Bossmen does a dance in the sky, while a group of Muppaphone float in the air and sing. At the end of the song, they are joined by a variety of creatures, including one of the Bossmen, one of The Gawky Birds, Timmy Monster, and some of The Four Fazoobs.
Droop
Gee, you sure have some imagination, Ben.
Applause.
Goodnights[]
Kermit
Okay, well, that about puts a lid on it for this week. We'd like to thank our special guest star, Mr. Ben Vereen!
Applause as he comes out.
Ben
Hey, Kermit, you know — um — thank you. I've done a lot of shows in my time, uh, but this has been one of the, um, craziest.
Fozzie
Hey, Kermit, Kermit, Ben, Ben!
Ben
Yeah, what? What?
Fozzie
Hey, I'm out! I'm out!
Kermit
Fozzie, how'd you get out of the cage?
Fozzie
Oh, Crazy Harry blew it up. It hurt a little bit, but, you know, I'm okay.
Kermit
Well — well, Fozzie, I just thought the show was just dynamite.
Fozzie
Yeah.
Crazy Harry
Did somebody say "dynamite"?
Others
No!
Explosion.
Kermit
We'll see you all next week on The Muppet Show! … Would you cut that out?
The scene ends in chaos as the credits roll. Smoke rises from the balcony.
Statler
Fantastic show.
Waldorf
Brilliant show. By the way, your pants are on fire.