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The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 118: Phyllis Diller.


Kermit appears in the show's O.
Kermit It's The Muppet Show with our special guest star, Miss Phyllis Diller!
The banner rises, and the theme begins.
Chorus girls

It's time to play the music
It's time to light the lights
It's time to meet the Muppets
On The Muppet Show tonight!

Male chorus

It's time to put on makeup
It's time to dress up right
It's time to raise the curtain
On The Muppet Show tonight!

The curtain opens on Fozzie.
Fozzie Hey! Did you hear the one about the kangaroo who walked into a store, and this hippopotamus comes out and says to the kanga – (the curtain closes on him) — Hey, I wasn't finished!

To introduce our guest star,
That's what I'm here to do!
So it really makes me happy
To introduce to you —
Miss Phyllis Diller!

The Muppets gather around Phyllis.
Kermit But now let's get things started
Kermit & gang

On the most sensational, inspirational
Celebrational, Muppetational
This is what we call The Muppet Show!

Crazy Harry sets off an explosion before Gonzo can hit the "O".
Gonzo Not bad.

Opening number

Main stage. Fozzie enters to applause.
Fozzie Thank you. Oh, good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to The Muppet Show. We've got a really terrific show for you tonight …
118 intro.jpg
Fozzie … with our super extra-special guest star, Miss Phyllis Diller. Now, to get things started, we — (notices Kermit) — Excuse me, there seems to be a frog on the stage.
Kermit There is supposed to be a frog on the stage. There is supposed to be a bear back in the dressing room!
Fozzie (touches him) Oh, well, you see, see, I think you just work too hard, frog of my heart. So I thought I would introduce the show this week.
Kermit Okay, fine. You introduce the show and I will pull the rope. (walks off)
Fozzie The ro — What rope?
Kermit Uh, the rope for the trapdoor.
He pulls the rope, and Fozzie falls.
Fozzie The trap d—AAAHH!
Kermit Uh, now let's get things started on The Muppet Show with some "Mississippi Mud."
The Gogolala Jubilee Jugband sings "Mississippi Mud" as they tap their feet in the mud.
Statler (facing away from the stage) Bravo, oh, bravo! Wonderful, just wonderful.
Waldorf How would you know? You're not even facing the stage.
Statler Why did you have to tell me? I was having such a good time!


The jug band walks past Scooter and Kermit.
Scooter Yeah, great number. Really good. Really good. Very believable. Good number. Great number. Hey! Hey, who forgot to wipe their feet? I thought I told you guys to wipe your feet!
Hilda Oh, that Miss Diller, she is so wonderful!
Scooter Oh, nice lady, huh?
Hilda Oh, yes, Scooter. And so young-looking. Scooter, just between you and me, do you suppose Miss Diller has had her face raised?
Scooter Huh? Oh, you mean lifted? Oh, sure, yeah. She jokes about it all the time.
118 hilda scooter.jpg
Hilda Ah, that's wonderful. A person should stay young and dynamic as long as possible.
Scooter Mm.
Hilda Maybe I should consider that.
Scooter Hmm?
Hilda After all, I am 35.
Exit Hilda, enter Fozzie.
Scooter Hey, hey, is it possible Hilda's 35?
Fozzie Only around the waist! (poses with Scooter)

Rowlf and Phyllis

Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit And now, a lady so wonderfully nutty that she makes The Great Gonzo seem like Sir Laurence Olivier. Here she is, the zaniest of them all, the one and only Phyllis Diller.
Open on a nightclub. Muppets sit at tables as Rowlf plays the piano. Phyllis enters and sits by the piano. Rowlf stops playing.
Rowlf Say there, sailor. You new in town?
Phyllis Do you make it a habit of annoying beautiful women?
Rowlf Yes. But since there are none around, I'll go ahead and annoy you. (laughs)
Phyllis Why are you hounding me?
Rowlf I'm a hound. What should I do, people you?
Phyllis Cut the comedy. I'm depressed.
Rowlf Oh. Oh, I'm sorry. Hey, let me buy you a drink.
Phyllis I don't drink with strangers. (pause) I'm Phyllis. (shakes his paw)
Rowlf I'm Rowlf.
Phyllis I'll have a triple cream soda on the rocks.
Rowlf Say, you are depressed. (to waitress) Oh, miss? Uh, miss, two triple cream sodas on the rocks. (to Phyllis) Now, what's wrong?
Phyllis It's just that I'm such a loser.
Rowlf Oh, I know what you mean. I am too.
Phyllis Do you know, someone gave me a beautiful white mink stole. Within a month, I had developed black dandruff.
Rowlf Oh. Oh, that is depressing. But do you know that my fleas have started wearing dog collars just to get rid of me?
Phyllis Oh, I know the feeling. I was in the back yard singing "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star." It fell on me.
Rowlf facepalms.
Phyllis I went to a taffy pull. The taffy won. (Rowlf snickers) I swear if I bought a new hat, they'd cancel Easter.
The other Muppets start snickering.
Rowlf Oh, you think that's bad? Listen, I went to Hollywood and fell in love with a movie star, Lassie. She left me for Francis the Talking Mule.
Phyllis and the other Muppets laugh.
Phyllis I bought one of those expensive new cars that goes from zero to sixty in three hours and twenty-seven minutes. I had to put it in low to get off a wad of gum.
Rowlf and the other Muppets laugh.
Rowlf Hey, you think — you think that's bad? The first three months of my life there was a newspaper strike.
Phyllis and the other Muppets laugh.
Phyllis Okay, I went to the beauty parlor, and the lady at the desk said: "Madam, We do repairs, not reclamations." (laughter) So then I asked the hairdresser what I should use on my hair. He said, "A match." (laughter) But you see, I was born ugly. I have home movies of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads. (laughter) My father asked the doctor, "Is it a boy or a girl?" He said, "No." (laughter) I tell you, Rowlf, I'm just a born loser.
Rowlf Aw, maybe. But you don't know what it's like to live life as a dog.
Phyllis Don't be so sure, fella. (laughter) Listen, I gotta go now.
Rowlf Hey, wait a minute! What's wrong?
Phyllis I'm having too good a time. A girl just can't be miserable in this dump. (laughter)
Rowlf Aw. Listen, you should stick around, Phyllis. Why, you and me could be rotten together.
Phyllis Aw!
She kisses Rowlf. Applause. Rowlf plays the piano some more.
Statler That was fantastic.
Waldorf What a performer she is.
Statler Mm, what's her secret?
Waldorf What's her magic?
Statler What's her name?
Waldorf You've forgotten too, huh?
Statler Well, whoever she is, she's every bit as funny as Phyllis Diller.
Waldorf Who is?
Statler Uh, I forget.
Waldorf Uh, me too. (dozes)


Hilda peeks out of Piggy's dressing room, making sure the coast is clear.
Hilda Oh, good. Nobody is around. Time for old Hilda to become young Hilda!
She goes into the dressing room and comes out wearing a chestnut wig.
Hilda Oh! Everybody is going to be so surprised! They won't even recognize their old wardrobe mistress.
118 young hilda meets kermit.jpg
Kermit Hi, Hilda. Hey, the opening number costumes are downstairs. Would you bring 'em up here, please? (walks off)
Hilda And then again, I could be wrong. (removes the wig)

Muppet newsflash

Newsman Here's a Muppet news flash. (runs to the desk) Dateline, Mobile, Alabama. Mrs. Beverly Shepherd has made aviation history in this southern city. Last week, Mrs. Shepherd made a pair of wings, strapped them to her body, and flew to Dallas, Texas. Here she is direct from Texas to tell us the details.
She appears in the monitor.
Phyllis Gosh! Am I really on TV?
Newsman Yes, Mrs. Shepherd, you are. Now can you tell us the details of this astounding accomplishment?
Phyllis What was so astounding? It was so easy. I just made my wings out of aluminum, and I covered them with chicken feathers, and then I fitted them with straps for my arms.
Newsman Yes, yes. Go on.
Phyllis (flaps) Then I went out to the airport and boarded a plane for Dallas. What's the big deal?
118 news flash.jpg
Newsman (collapses) I'm sure I have no idea.

At the Dance

Couples dance in a ballroom, starting with two pigs.
Male pig Oh, I'm so crazy about you, I can't see straight.
Female pig Oh! Oh, I'm so goofy about you, I can't eat.
Male pig Oh! Oh, I'm so much in love with you I can't even sleep.
Female pig Oh, well, what should we do?
Male pig Well, I, uh …
118 at the dance.jpg
Zoot Check into a hospital, man.
Onto Statler and Waldorf.
Statler Ah. Huh. Finally good to get out of that box.
Waldorf Yeah, pay attention, I'm leading. One, two, three, dip. (dips)
Onto George and Mildred. Zoot passes by them, playing his sax.
Mildred Oh, that's what I don't like about him.
George the Janitor Huh? What?
Mildred He's always blowing his own horn.
George the Janitor Huh.
Janice dances with a green Frackle.
Janice Wasn't that garlic you had for dinner hot?
Green Frackle Are you kidding? (breathes fire)

UK spot

Dr. Teeth, Floyd, Zoot and Janice perform "Lazy Bones".

Talk spot

Fozzie whispers in Phyllis's ear. She laughs.
Fozzie Uh, oh. We're on, we're on.
Phyllis Oh.
Fozzie Phyllis Diller. Well, hello. Hey, hey, hey, hey. Kermit said I could chat with you because, well, we're both comedians, you know, and frankly I — I think you are the funniest person alive. Yeah.
Phyllis Thank you.
Fozzie I was wondering if you could give me a few tips on comedy, hm?
Phyllis Why, that's so nice of you, Fozzie. Of course I'll give you a few tips.
Fozzie Aaah — hah ha! "Of course I'll give you a few tips"! That's so funny!
Phyllis Wait, wait.
Fozzie I love it.
Phyllis Wait a minute. The first tip: don't laugh before I tell the joke.
Fozzie Oh.
Phyllis Oh, this isn't gonna be easy.
Fozzie Okay, okay, okay, okay.
Phyllis I'll tell you what we need, topics. Now, here's a topic.
Fozzie Topics, topics.
Phyllis Fang is so cheap, his idea of a deodorant is to Scotch-tape a pine cone under each armpit.
She laughs. Fozzie gives her a blank stare.
Phyllis That's a husband joke.
Fozzie I can't do that joke.
Phyllis Why?
Fozzie I don't have a husband.
Phyllis Well, how about a wife?
Fozzie No, no wife.
Phyllis Well, make one up. They don't care.
Fozzie What? But — I'm — I I couldn't do that! I couldn't lie to the audience! I, I – They love me, I love them, I couldn't lie to the audience!
Phyllis Well, you just did. You told them you're a comedian. … Now, looky here. We've got to find you a top-ic.
Fozzie Okay. Top-ic. Okay.
Phyllis Uh-huh. Okay. You must live somewhere?
Fozzie Uh, well, yeah, I got this small apartment.
118 talk spot.jpg
Phyllis Terrific. Small apartment joke. I live in an apartment so small, the mice are hunchbacked.
She laughs. Fozzie gives her a blank stare and shakes his head.
Phyllis No? No mice?
Fozzie No. No, I got a mouse, but he's not hunchbacked. He's got the gout. … Oh, wait, wait, I understand now. Wait. Oh, I see, okay. Here it goes.
Phyllis You got it?
Fozzie Here we go, yeah. … I live in an apartment so small, my mouse has the gout. (Phyllis doesn't react) That's funny. It's funny. It is funny. Oh, please laugh. (buries his face in her shoulder) Oh, please!
Phyllis Fozzie, baby.
Fozzie What?
Phyllis You're just gonna have to learn to lie.
Fozzie Oh, but why, Phyllis?
Phyllis I'll tell you why. So in case you don't make it as a comedian...
Fozzie Yeah?
Phyllis ... at least you can go into politics. (laughs)
Fozzie Aaaah! Now, that's funny! Aaaah!

Hugga Wugga

118 hugga wugga.jpg
On a distant planet, a Hugga Wugga beast tyrannizes a loony bird, and battles a gentle creature who sings "You Are My Sunshine". The gentle creature wins.
Waldorf You are my sunshine, my only sunshine…
Statler Why, you old fool.
Waldorf What?
Statler I'm not your son and my name's not Shine.
Waldorf (aside) And he calls me an old fool?


George follows the gentle creature.
Gentle creature You make me happy when skies are gray…
Hilda now has a new wig, new glasses and lipstick. She looks in a mirror.
Hilda Well, this time Miss Diller has given me some beauty hints. Now everybody will notice the change.
Fozzie Hilda, Hilda, it is great. The change is wonderful.
Hilda Oh — you like it, then?
118 hilda changed.jpg
Fozzie Oh, sure, yeah. Those dressing room towels have been dirty for a week. It's wonderful that you changed them.
He leaves. She fumes.
Hilda This means all-out war!

Muppet Labs

Dr. Bunsen wears a hat.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew Dr. Bunsen Honeydew here at Muppet Labs, where the future is being made today. Well, excitement is running high here at the labs, because today is the day we introduce our new line of exploding hats.
118 exploding hat.jpg
His hat explodes. He coughs from the smoke.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew Ah. Isn't that cunning, folks? And, of course, for those who want the daring double-barreled effect, ahem … exploding earmuffs.
He puts them on, and they immediately explode.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew Oh, whoopee. Well, ahem, there you have it. These are the perfect companions to the perennial favorite, the Muppet self-destruct necktie.
BOOM! The necktie explodes.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew (dizzy) So, that's all for now from, uh, Muppet… (faints)


Gonzo approaches Phyllis as she fiddles with her camera.
Gonzo Hi, Phyllis. What you got there?
Phyllis It's my new pocket camera. It takes great pictures. You see there?
Gonzo Oh. What are these pictures of?
Phyllis Pockets. (laughs)
Gonzo Oh.
118 blackout.jpg

Veterinarian's Hospital

Piggy tries a snout-lift with a tool, then takes her position.
Announcer And now, Veterinarian's Hospital, the continuing stooory of an orthopedic surgeon who has gone to the dogs.
Janice Dr. Bob? Dr. Bob? Your next patient is ready.
Rowlf (enters) Yes, yes, I was just tending to an emergency. A musician at the symphony just fell through his harp.
Miss Piggy Oh. Where is he now?
Rowlf In rooms 9, 10, 11 and 12.
They all laugh.
Rowlf OK. Where's the next patient?
Janice Uh, he's right here, Dr. Bob.
Rowlf (lifts the sheet) Oh. Hmm. Little fella, isn't he? Huh? … This is no patient, it's a loaf of bread.
Bread And a very sick one.
Miss Piggy Good grief! It's talking bread.
Janice Dr. Bob, what do you make of it?
Rowlf What else? Toast!
They all laugh.
Announcer And so, Dr. Bob has discovered edible patients.
Bread (moans)
Announcer Tune in next week, when you will hear Nurse Janice say …
Janice Uh, Dr. Bob. Should I prepare the anesthetic?
Rowlf No, just stand by with the marmalade. (laughs)
Bread (moans)


118 sexy hilda.jpg
Kermit Gee, who is that? She is beautiful. Uh, excuse me, Miss. Can I help you?
Hilda Hello, dahling. Got any wardrobe work for your old Hilda?
Kermit Hilda! Why — why, you're beautiful.
Hilda Thank you.
Kermit But — you're so slim. H—how do you do that?
Hilda Very tight, ahem, foundation garments.
Kermit Oh, Hilda, I just want you to know that I think it's wonderful that you want to look your best and to —
Pop-pop-pop — her wardrobe falls apart.
118 old gray mare.jpg
Hilda Oh, darn. My girdle had a blowout.
Kermit Oh, that's okay, Hilda. We love you like you are anyhow. (walks off)
Hilda Well, the old gray mare is just what she used to be.

"The Entertainer"

Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit And now, featuring in concert with our own Muppet orchestra, Miss Phyllis Diller.
Phyllis accompanies the Muppet orchestra by playing "The Entertainer" on the saxophone, abominably.
Phyllis I'll find it …
118 entertainer.jpg
Finally, Zoot comes in to show her how it's done.


Kermit Well, that's just about it for another show. We'd like to thank our special guest star, Miss Phyllis Diller!
Phyllis Thank you, thank you, Kermit.
Kermit Oh, you're welcome, you're welcome, Phyllis.
Phyllis Would you do me a favor?
Kermit For you, for you I would do anything.
Phyllis Oh, how nice. Would you stand over there, on the other side of me?
Kermit Uh, stand over here?
Phyllis Right over there.
Kermit Sure.
Phyllis Yes.
Kermit (stands) Is this okay?
Phyllis That's just perfect.
Phyllis motions Fozzie to come. Fozzie sneaks up and pulls the rope to the trap door. Kermit falls.
118 closing.jpg
Kermit Hmm. Okay. Well, friends, as I say, it's the end of the show now, so thank you for joining us, and join us next time on The M—AAAHH!
Phyllis laughs.
Fozzie Aaaah! See you next time on The Muppet Show. Haaa!
Fozzie falls as the credits roll.
Waldorf I loved it.
118 statler.jpg
Statler pulls the trap door rope, and Waldorf falls.
Waldorf Oh! I hated it!