Episode 118: Phyllis Diller/transcript

Theme

	Kermit appears in the show's O.
Kermit	It's The Muppet Show with our special guest star, Miss Phyllis Diller!
	The banner rises, and the theme begins.
Chorus girls	It's time to play the music It's time to light the lights It's time to meet the Muppets On The Muppet Show tonight!
Male chorus	It's time to put on makeup It's time to dress up right It's time to raise the curtain On The Muppet Show tonight!
	The curtain opens on Fozzie.
Fozzie	Hey! Did you hear the one about the kangaroo who walked into a store, and this hippopotamus comes out and says to the kanga – (the curtain closes on him) — Hey, I wasn't finished!
Kermit	To introduce our guest star, That's what I'm here to do! So it really makes me happy To introduce to you — Miss Phyllis Diller!
	The Muppets gather around Phyllis.
Kermit	But now let's get things started
Kermit & gang	On the most sensational, inspirational Celebrational, Muppetational This is what we call The Muppet Show!

	Crazy Harry sets off an explosion before Gonzo can hit the "O".
Gonzo	Not bad.

Opening number

	Main stage. Fozzie enters to applause.
Fozzie	Thank you. Oh, good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to The Muppet Show. We've got a really terrific show for you tonight …

Fozzie	… with our super extra-special guest star, Miss Phyllis Diller. Now, to get things started, we — (notices Kermit) — Excuse me, there seems to be a frog on the stage.
Kermit	There is supposed to be a frog on the stage. There is supposed to be a bear back in the dressing room!
Fozzie	(touches him) Oh, well, you see, see, I think you just work too hard, frog of my heart. So I thought I would introduce the show this week.
Kermit	Okay, fine. You introduce the show and I will pull the rope. (walks off)
Fozzie	The ro — What rope?
Kermit	Uh, the rope for the trapdoor.
	He pulls the rope, and Fozzie falls.
Fozzie	The trap d—AAAHH!
Kermit	Uh, now let's get things started on The Muppet Show with some "Mississippi Mud."

	The Gogolala Jubilee Jugband sings "Mississippi Mud" as they tap their feet in the mud.
Statler	(facing away from the stage) Bravo, oh, bravo! Wonderful, just wonderful.
Waldorf	How would you know? You're not even facing the stage.
Statler	Why did you have to tell me? I was having such a good time!

Backstage

	The jug band walks past Scooter and Kermit.
Scooter	Yeah, great number. Really good. Really good. Very believable. Good number. Great number. Hey! Hey, who forgot to wipe their feet? I thought I told you guys to wipe your feet!
Hilda	Oh, that Miss Diller, she is so wonderful!
Scooter	Oh, nice lady, huh?
Hilda	Oh, yes, Scooter. And so young-looking. Scooter, just between you and me, do you suppose Miss Diller has had her face raised?
Scooter	Huh? Oh, you mean lifted? Oh, sure, yeah. She jokes about it all the time.

Hilda	Ah, that's wonderful. A person should stay young and dynamic as long as possible.
Scooter	Mm.
Hilda	Maybe I should consider that.
Scooter	Hmm?
Hilda	After all, I am 35.
	Exit Hilda, enter Fozzie.
Scooter	Hey, hey, is it possible Hilda's 35?
Fozzie	Only around the waist! (poses with Scooter)

Rowlf and Phyllis

	Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit	And now, a lady so wonderfully nutty that she makes The Great Gonzo seem like Sir Laurence Olivier. Here she is, the zaniest of them all, the one and only Phyllis Diller.
	Open on a nightclub. Muppets sit at tables as Rowlf plays the piano. Phyllis enters and sits by the piano. Rowlf stops playing.
Rowlf	Say there, sailor. You new in town?
Phyllis	Do you make it a habit of annoying beautiful women?
Rowlf	Yes. But since there are none around, I'll go ahead and annoy you. (laughs)
Phyllis	Why are you hounding me?
Rowlf	I'm a hound. What should I do, people you?

Phyllis	Cut the comedy. I'm depressed.
Rowlf	Oh. Oh, I'm sorry. Hey, let me buy you a drink.
Phyllis	I don't drink with strangers. (pause) I'm Phyllis. (shakes his paw)
Rowlf	I'm Rowlf.
Phyllis	I'll have a triple cream soda on the rocks.
Rowlf	Say, you are depressed. (to waitress) Oh, miss? Uh, miss, two triple cream sodas on the rocks. (to Phyllis) Now, what's wrong?
Phyllis	It's just that I'm such a loser.
Rowlf	Oh, I know what you mean. I am too.
Phyllis	Do you know, someone gave me a beautiful white mink stole. Within a month, I had developed black dandruff.
Rowlf	Oh. Oh, that is depressing. But do you know that my fleas have started wearing dog collars just to get rid of me?
Phyllis	Oh, I know the feeling. I was in the back yard singing "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star." It fell on me.
	Rowlf facepalms.
Phyllis	I went to a taffy pull. The taffy won. (Rowlf snickers) I swear if I bought a new hat, they'd cancel Easter.
	The other Muppets start snickering.
Rowlf	Oh, you think that's bad? Listen, I went to Hollywood and fell in love with a movie star, Lassie. She left me for Francis the Talking Mule.
	Phyllis and the other Muppets laugh.
Phyllis	I bought one of those expensive new cars that goes from zero to sixty in three hours and twenty-seven minutes. I had to put it in low to get off a wad of gum.
	Rowlf and the other Muppets laugh.
Rowlf	Hey, you think — you think that's bad? The first three months of my life there was a newspaper strike.
	Phyllis and the other Muppets laugh.
Phyllis	Okay, I went to the beauty parlor, and the lady at the desk said: "Madam, We do repairs, not reclamations." (laughter) So then I asked the hairdresser what I should use on my hair. He said, "A match." (laughter) But you see, I was born ugly. I have home movies of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads. (laughter) My father asked the doctor, "Is it a boy or a girl?" He said, "No." (laughter) I tell you, Rowlf, I'm just a born loser.
Rowlf	Aw, maybe. But you don't know what it's like to live life as a dog.
Phyllis	Don't be so sure, fella. (laughter) Listen, I gotta go now.
Rowlf	Hey, wait a minute! What's wrong?
Phyllis	I'm having too good a time. A girl just can't be miserable in this dump. (laughter)
Rowlf	Aw. Listen, you should stick around, Phyllis. Why, you and me could be rotten together.
Phyllis	Aw!
	She kisses Rowlf. Applause. Rowlf plays the piano some more.
Statler	That was fantastic.
Waldorf	What a performer she is.
Statler	Mm, what's her secret?
Waldorf	What's her magic?
Statler	What's her name?
Waldorf	You've forgotten too, huh?
Statler	Well, whoever she is, she's every bit as funny as Phyllis Diller.
Waldorf	Who is?
Statler	Uh, I forget.
Waldorf	Uh, me too. (dozes)

Backstage

	Hilda peeks out of Piggy's dressing room, making sure the coast is clear.
Hilda	Oh, good. Nobody is around. Time for old Hilda to become young Hilda!
	She goes into the dressing room and comes out wearing a chestnut wig.
Hilda	Oh! Everybody is going to be so surprised! They won't even recognize their old wardrobe mistress.

Kermit	Hi, Hilda. Hey, the opening number costumes are downstairs. Would you bring 'em up here, please? (walks off)
Hilda	And then again, I could be wrong. (removes the wig)

Muppet newsflash

Newsman	Here's a Muppet news flash. (runs to the desk) Dateline, Mobile, Alabama. Mrs. Beverly Shepherd has made aviation history in this southern city. Last week, Mrs. Shepherd made a pair of wings, strapped them to her body, and flew to Dallas, Texas. Here she is direct from Texas to tell us the details.
	She appears in the monitor.
Phyllis	Gosh! Am I really on TV?
Newsman	Yes, Mrs. Shepherd, you are. Now can you tell us the details of this astounding accomplishment?
Phyllis	What was so astounding? It was so easy. I just made my wings out of aluminum, and I covered them with chicken feathers, and then I fitted them with straps for my arms.
Newsman	Yes, yes. Go on.
Phyllis	(flaps) Then I went out to the airport and boarded a plane for Dallas. What's the big deal?

Newsman	(collapses) I'm sure I have no idea.

At the Dance

	Couples dance in a ballroom, starting with two pigs.
Male pig	Oh, I'm so crazy about you, I can't see straight.
Female pig	Oh! Oh, I'm so goofy about you, I can't eat.
Male pig	Oh! Oh, I'm so much in love with you I can't even sleep.
Female pig	Oh, well, what should we do?
Male pig	Well, I, uh …

Zoot	Check into a hospital, man.
	Onto Statler and Waldorf.
Statler	Ah. Huh. Finally good to get out of that box.
Waldorf	Yeah, pay attention, I'm leading. One, two, three, dip. (dips)
	Onto George and Mildred. Zoot passes by them, playing his sax.
Mildred	Oh, that's what I don't like about him.
George the Janitor	Huh? What?
Mildred	He's always blowing his own horn.
George the Janitor	Huh.
	Janice dances with a green Frackle.
Janice	Wasn't that garlic you had for dinner hot?
Green Frackle	Are you kidding? (breathes fire)

UK spot


	Dr. Teeth, Floyd, Zoot and Janice perform "Lazy Bones".

Talk spot

	Fozzie whispers in Phyllis's ear. She laughs.
Fozzie	Uh, oh. We're on, we're on.
Phyllis	Oh.
Fozzie	Phyllis Diller. Well, hello. Hey, hey, hey, hey. Kermit said I could chat with you because, well, we're both comedians, you know, and frankly I — I think you are the funniest person alive. Yeah.
Phyllis	Thank you.
Fozzie	I was wondering if you could give me a few tips on comedy, hm?
Phyllis	Why, that's so nice of you, Fozzie. Of course I'll give you a few tips.
Fozzie	Aaah — hah ha! "Of course I'll give you a few tips"! That's so funny!
Phyllis	Wait, wait.
Fozzie	I love it.
Phyllis	Wait a minute. The first tip: don't laugh before I tell the joke.
Fozzie	Oh.
Phyllis	Oh, this isn't gonna be easy.
Fozzie	Okay, okay, okay, okay.
Phyllis	I'll tell you what we need, topics. Now, here's a topic.
Fozzie	Topics, topics.
Phyllis	Fang is so cheap, his idea of a deodorant is to Scotch-tape a pine cone under each armpit.
	She laughs. Fozzie gives her a blank stare.
Phyllis	That's a husband joke.
Fozzie	I can't do that joke.
Phyllis	Why?
Fozzie	I don't have a husband.
Phyllis	Well, how about a wife?
Fozzie	No, no wife.
Phyllis	Well, make one up. They don't care.
Fozzie	What? But — I'm — I I couldn't do that! I couldn't lie to the audience! I, I – They love me, I love them, I couldn't lie to the audience!
Phyllis	Well, you just did. You told them you're a comedian. … Now, looky here. We've got to find you a top-ic.
Fozzie	Okay. Top-ic. Okay.
Phyllis	Uh-huh. Okay. You must live somewhere?
Fozzie	Uh, well, yeah, I got this small apartment.

Phyllis	Terrific. Small apartment joke. I live in an apartment so small, the mice are hunchbacked.
	She laughs. Fozzie gives her a blank stare and shakes his head.
Phyllis	No? No mice?
Fozzie	No. No, I got a mouse, but he's not hunchbacked. He's got the gout. … Oh, wait, wait, I understand now. Wait. Oh, I see, okay. Here it goes.
Phyllis	You got it?
Fozzie	Here we go, yeah. … I live in an apartment so small, my mouse has the gout. (Phyllis doesn't react) That's funny. It's funny. It is funny. Oh, please laugh. (buries his face in her shoulder) Oh, please!
Phyllis	Fozzie, baby.
Fozzie	What?
Phyllis	You're just gonna have to learn to lie.
Fozzie	Oh, but why, Phyllis?
Phyllis	I'll tell you why. So in case you don't make it as a comedian...
Fozzie	Yeah?
Phyllis	... at least you can go into politics. (laughs)
Fozzie	Aaaah! Now, that's funny! Aaaah!
	Applause.

Hugga Wugga


	On a distant planet, a Hugga Wugga beast tyrannizes a loony bird, and battles a gentle creature who sings "You Are My Sunshine". The gentle creature wins.
Waldorf	You are my sunshine, my only sunshine…
Statler	Why, you old fool.
Waldorf	What?
Statler	I'm not your son and my name's not Shine.
Waldorf	(aside) And he calls me an old fool?

Backstage

	George follows the gentle creature.
Gentle creature	You make me happy when skies are gray…
	Hilda now has a new wig, new glasses and lipstick. She looks in a mirror.
Hilda	Well, this time Miss Diller has given me some beauty hints. Now everybody will notice the change.
Fozzie	Hilda, Hilda, it is great. The change is wonderful.
Hilda	Oh — you like it, then?

Fozzie	Oh, sure, yeah. Those dressing room towels have been dirty for a week. It's wonderful that you changed them.
	He leaves. She fumes.
Hilda	This means all-out war!

Muppet Labs

	Dr. Bunsen wears a hat.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	Dr. Bunsen Honeydew here at Muppet Labs, where the future is being made today. Well, excitement is running high here at the labs, because today is the day we introduce our new line of exploding hats.

	His hat explodes. He coughs from the smoke.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	Ah. Isn't that cunning, folks? And, of course, for those who want the daring double-barreled effect, ahem … exploding earmuffs.
	He puts them on, and they immediately explode.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	Oh, whoopee. Well, ahem, there you have it. These are the perfect companions to the perennial favorite, the Muppet self-destruct necktie.
	BOOM! The necktie explodes.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	(dizzy) So, that's all for now from, uh, Muppet… (faints)

Blackout

	Gonzo approaches Phyllis as she fiddles with her camera.
Gonzo	Hi, Phyllis. What you got there?
Phyllis	It's my new pocket camera. It takes great pictures. You see there?
Gonzo	Oh. What are these pictures of?
Phyllis	Pockets. (laughs)
Gonzo	Oh.

Veterinarian's Hospital

	Piggy tries a snout-lift with a tool, then takes her position.
Announcer	And now, Veterinarian's Hospital, the continuing stooory of an orthopedic surgeon who has gone to the dogs.
Janice	Dr. Bob? Dr. Bob? Your next patient is ready.
Rowlf	(enters) Yes, yes, I was just tending to an emergency. A musician at the symphony just fell through his harp.
Miss Piggy	Oh. Where is he now?
Rowlf	In rooms 9, 10, 11 and 12.
	They all laugh.
Rowlf	OK. Where's the next patient?
Janice	Uh, he's right here, Dr. Bob.
Rowlf	(lifts the sheet) Oh. Hmm. Little fella, isn't he? Huh? … This is no patient, it's a loaf of bread.
Bread	And a very sick one.
Miss Piggy	Good grief! It's talking bread.
Janice	Dr. Bob, what do you make of it?
Rowlf	What else? Toast!

	They all laugh.
Announcer	And so, Dr. Bob has discovered edible patients.
Bread	(moans)
Announcer	Tune in next week, when you will hear Nurse Janice say …
Janice	Uh, Dr. Bob. Should I prepare the anesthetic?
Rowlf	No, just stand by with the marmalade. (laughs)
Bread	(moans)

Backstage


Kermit	Gee, who is that? She is beautiful. Uh, excuse me, Miss. Can I help you?
Hilda	Hello, dahling. Got any wardrobe work for your old Hilda?
Kermit	Hilda! Why — why, you're beautiful.
Hilda	Thank you.
Kermit	But — you're so slim. H—how do you do that?
Hilda	Very tight, ahem, foundation garments.
Kermit	Oh, Hilda, I just want you to know that I think it's wonderful that you want to look your best and to —
	Pop-pop-pop — her wardrobe falls apart.

Hilda	Oh, darn. My girdle had a blowout.
Kermit	Oh, that's okay, Hilda. We love you like you are anyhow. (walks off)
Hilda	Well, the old gray mare is just what she used to be.

"The Entertainer"

	Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit	And now, featuring in concert with our own Muppet orchestra, Miss Phyllis Diller.

	Phyllis accompanies the Muppet orchestra by playing "The Entertainer" on the saxophone, abominably.
Phyllis	I'll find it …

	Finally, Zoot comes in to show her how it's done.

Goodnights

Kermit	Well, that's just about it for another show. We'd like to thank our special guest star, Miss Phyllis Diller!
	Applause.
Phyllis	Thank you, thank you, Kermit.
Kermit	Oh, you're welcome, you're welcome, Phyllis.
Phyllis	Would you do me a favor?
Kermit	For you, for you I would do anything.
Phyllis	Oh, how nice. Would you stand over there, on the other side of me?
Kermit	Uh, stand over here?
Phyllis	Right over there.
Kermit	Sure.
Phyllis	Yes.
Kermit	(stands) Is this okay?
Phyllis	That's just perfect.
	Phyllis motions Fozzie to come. Fozzie sneaks up and pulls the rope to the trap door. Kermit falls.

Kermit	Hmm. Okay. Well, friends, as I say, it's the end of the show now, so thank you for joining us, and join us next time on The M—AAAHH!
	Phyllis laughs.
Fozzie	Aaaah! See you next time on The Muppet Show. Haaa!
	Fozzie falls as the credits roll.
Waldorf	I loved it.

	Statler pulls the trap door rope, and Waldorf falls.
Waldorf	Oh! I hated it!