The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 119: Vincent Price.
Theme[]
Kermit appears in the show's O. | |
Kermit | It's The Muppet Show, with our special guest star, Mr. Vincent Price! Woo! |
The banner rises, and the theme begins. | |
Chorus girls |
It's time to play the music |
Male chorus |
It's time to put on makeup |
The curtain opens on Fozzie. | |
Fozzie | Hey! I once met a vampire who was so rich, he lived in a split-level coffin. |
The curtain closes. | |
Kermit |
To introduce our guest star, |
Vincent is surrounded by Muppet Monsters. | |
Kermit | But now let's get things started |
Kermit & gang |
On the most sensational, inspirational |
BANG! Gonzo shoots the O. |
Opening Number[]
Main Stage. Kermit enters | |
Kermit | Thank you! Thank you, thank you and good evening, and welcome to a very unusual edition of The Muppet Show. Yes, things are going to be a little bit strange tonight. (Bats fly behind him) You probably can already tell, be prepared for the strange, the weird and the scary because our guest star is none other than the crown prince of terror, Mr. Vincent Price! So tonight there will be no craziness, no slapstick and no silliness... |
Fozzie pies him in the face, then wiggles his ears | |
Fozzie | Ha ha! |
Kermit | Or at least not much of it. Let the scariness begin. |
Behemoth croons "I've Got You Under My Skin" as he eats a terrified Shakey Sanchez. At the end, Shakey, accepting his fate, sings a verse of "Que Sera, Sera (Whatever Will Be, Will Be)." | |
Statler | Ohh! That number scared the pants off me. |
Waldorf | Are you sure you didn't just forget to put 'em on again? |
Backstage[]
Kermit | OK, stand by for the house of horror sketch. |
Shakey walks by in the background | |
Kermit | (To Shakey): Calm down, back there, |
Scooter enters | |
Scooter | Hey, boss. |
Kermit | Hm, What? |
Scooter | There's someone here wanting to audition. |
Kermit | OK, Who is he? |
Scooter | Well, it's not exactly a he. |
Scooter | OK, Who is she? |
Kermit | Well, it's not exactly a she. |
Kermit | Scooter, this rather severely limits the possibilities, would you please explain yourself? |
Scooter | Well, it's sort of a they. |
Kermit | You mean there's more than one? |
Scooter | Not really. |
Kermit | (addressing audience): This gofer is about to become a gone-fer. (yells at Scooter): Scooter, what are you talking about? |
Scooter | Uh, that. |
Scooter points out Tom, Dick and Harry | |
Tom, Dick, and Harry | (In unison) Hi, Mr. Frog, can we be on your show? |
Kermit | Good grief, it's a triple-header. |
Kermit exits | |
Tom | I'm going back to the dressing room. |
Harry | I'm going to the makeup room. |
Dick | I'll wait here. |
The three pull in different directions |
House of Horror[]
Main stage. Hilda is on the proscenium | |
Hilda | In honor of my homeland, Kermit has asked me to do the next introduction. (Echo) We take you now to Transylvania, to a high and brooding hill, we take you now to the house of horror. |
She screams and runs off stage. Curtain opens revealing aforementioned house on the hill. The camera closes in on the house as it's gate opens, transitioning to the interior. Fozzie and Gonzo enter from behind the camera | |
Fozzie | Oh, Gonzo! I don't think very much of this summer cottage you rented for us. |
Gonzo | Yeah, I don't understand it, The ad looked so good in the paper. |
Fozzie | What paper was that? |
Gonzo | The Wampire Veekly. |
Fozzie | The Wampire Veekly? |
Gonzo | It does look kinda big for just the two of us. |
A ghost flies by | |
Ghost | Wooo-ooo-ooo! |
Gonzo | (startled) Ohh! The three of us, |
A second ghost floats in | |
Fozzie | Oh! |
Gonzo | The four of us, |
Fozzie | (addressing audience): Well, at least we won't be lonely. |
There's a tapping on the door | |
Fozzie | (Nervously) Someone's... someone's at the door, Someone's at the door. |
Gonzo | (Addressing audience): Ohh, I bet it's not the Welcome Wagon. |
Fozzie opens the door | |
Fozzie | Yep, it's not the Welcome Wagon. |
Vincent Price enters | |
Vincent Price | Good evening (pause for applause) Excuse me, but do you have a room for the night? You see, the road has washed out and my horse had a flat tire. |
Fozzie | (Stammering) Well, maybe I, uh ... |
Vincent Price | I must tell you I am not alone, I am traveling with my beautiful assistant and a hideously deformed monster. |
Uncle Deadly enters | |
Fozzie | Oh! Hideously deformed is right. |
Uncle Deadly | Watch it! I'm the beautiful assistant. |
Gonzo | Oh, boy. |
Uncle Deadly | Master, I've left Toto in the coach. |
Fozzie | Toto? |
Vincent Price | (Addressing Uncle Deadly): Good, good. (Addressing Fozzie and Gonzo): And now I must ask, can you tell me what time it is? |
Fozzie | Uh Oh, golly, my hourglass seems to have stopped. |
Vincent Price | Oh, this is terrible! Terrible! |
Uncle Deadly | We're in trouble. |
Vincent Price | Yes. |
Fozzie | Why's that? |
Uncle Deadly | Because every night at the stroke of midnight, the master turns into a screaming, maniacal, demonic, raging, blood-lusting animal. |
Vincent Price | And then I get mean. |
Gonzo | What do we do? |
Vincent Price | Quickly, quickly, prepare a dungeon, chains, manacles! Bind me! |
A clock begins striking | |
Uncle Deadly | Oh, no, It's too late, It's midnight. Oh, no, something's different, oh, quick, what night is it? |
Fozzie and Gonzo | (In union): New Year's Eve. |
Uncle Deadly | Oh, no! This is too cruel, too inhuman! |
Fozzie | What? What? What is? What? Tell! Tell! What! What! |
Uncle Deadly | On New Year's Eve, the master turns into Jack Parnell.[1] |
Vincent holds a baton and blows a noisemaker as "Auld Lang Syne" plays. Fozzie, Gonzo and Uncle Deadly flee in horror. | |
Statler | Vincent Price is the most wonderfully scary actor since Thudge McGerk. |
Waldorf | Heh! Thudge McGerk, I'll never forget him, His last film was Phantom of the Soap Opera. |
Statler | Yeah, After that, he went berserk. They say he still haunts theatres around the world. |
Waldorf | Three eyes, green hair, long orange horns and big, long ugly fangs. Horrible man, Horrible. |
Statler | No! |
Statler jumps out of his seats and lands on the floor | |
Waldorf | Listen, on your way back up, bring some popcorn. |
Thudge McGerk | [Incoherent babbling] |
Waldorf | With butter. |
Thudge McGerk | Ha! |
Backstage[]
"Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered"[]
Main stage. Sam is on the proscenium. | |
Sam | If you're like I am, and you certainly must be, you are appalled and shocked at the weird unnatural things going on tonight. Here, to counter all that, the very natural, the very normal Wayne and Wanda. |
Wanda |
I'm wild again, |
Wanda is literally bewitched and turns into Blue Frackle. | |
Wayne | ... bothered and bewildered. |
Panel Discussion[]
Kermit | This part of the program is the cultural part, we have to get started now, Just a second. (Addressing audience): Time once again, friends, to raise the intellectual level of our program, and tonight, our special guest is Mr. Vincent Price. |
Vincent Price | Well, it's a pleasure to be with you, Kermit. |
Kermit | In addition to his other talents, Mr. Price is also a great cook, so tonight's topic for discussion is gourmet dining, Vincent has assembled the rest of the panel so I'll just let you do the introductions, sir. |
Vincent Price | All right, Kermit, thank you, well, I have asked two of my culinary friends to join us tonight, on your immediate right is Pierre Lacouse, one of the world's great chefs. |
Pierre LaCousse | A pleasure. |
Vincent Price | And next to him is Gorgon Heap, one of the world's great eaters. |
Gorgon Heap | Mmmaagh! |
Kermit | Uh, yeah, I see. Well, starting off, now, Vincent, what would you say is the world's most delicious dish? |
Vincent Price | Well, Kermit, you know, haute cuisine is so varied and wonderful that is a most difficult question, but if I must choose my favorite dish, I would have to say it is probably escalope de veau a I'estragon. |
Gorgon Heap | It is delicious! |
He eats a pitcher of water next to him | |
Pierre LaCousse | Vincent, I dislike it for all France to disagree, but for sheer magnificence, nothing can compare to gigot en epaule de pre-sale farci. |
Gorgon Heap | Oh, that is delicious. (He then eats a tray next to him) Oh! |
Pierre LaCousse | He ate my casserole. |
Vincent Price | Pierre, that is a fine dish, provided that it is made in exactly the same way that it was prepared by the great chef Escoffier. |
Gorgon Heap | Oh, he was delicious. |
He eats Pierre's hat | |
Pierre LaCousse | He ate my hat! |
Kermit | Uh... Uh, yes. Listen, Pierre, There's one thing I've always wanted to ask you. |
Pierre LaCousse | Ah, oui. Uh! |
Gorgon eats Pierre | |
Kermit | But it's a little late now. Uh, Vincent, who is this guy, anyhow? |
Gorgon moves closer to Kermit | |
Gorgon Heap | Say, you look delicious. |
Kermit | Wait a second, Get away from me, you hulking creep! Vincent, can you stop him, please? |
Vincent begins seasoning Kermit as Gorgon prepares toeat him | |
Vincent | Froggie, you have to admit, you do look tasty. |
Kermit | Tune in next week when our topic for discussion will be... |
Gorgon eats Kermit | |
Vincent Price | I know I'm a bit of a devil, but I do love frogs' legs. |
Waldorf | This show should be reported to the consumer protection agency. |
Statler | Why? |
Waldorf | The host was just consumed, |
Kermit pops up in their box | |
Kermit | Don't count on it. |
Statler | Hey, this is our box, fella! Let me see your ticket stub. |
At the Dance[]
Male Ghost | I'm going into the moving business. |
Female Ghost | Really? Locally? |
Male Ghost | No, ghost to ghost. |
Female Whatnot | Oh! I'm simply starving, can't we stop for a bite? |
Dracula | Delighted, my dear. |
He bites her | |
Mildred Huxtetter | That man is absolutely batty. |
George | Huh, Why do you say that? |
Beautiful Day Monster walks past with bats following him | |
Male Ghost | Why don't we stop and have a drink? |
Female Ghost | We can't. |
Male Ghost | Why not? |
Female Ghost | They don't serve spirits here. |
Miss Kitty | You know, my mother said if I worked hard, I could get ahead. |
Female Blue Frackle | Oh, well, here it is. |
She removes her head and give it to him | |
Miss Kitty | Ooh! |
UK Spot[]
Ghosts haunt the backstage, singing "I'm Looking Through You." Fozzie, wandering in the backstage, sees the spirits and runs away, terrified |
Talk Spot[]
Kermit | Hey, Vincent, I really thank you for coming on this show tonight and so do all the Muppet monsters. |
Vincent Price | Well, thank you, Kermit, I never met a monster I didn't like, |
Kermit | I can believe it, hey, can I ask you a question? |
Vincent Price | Yes, of course. |
Kermit | In all the scary movies you've done through the years, well, you're always turning into a vampire, Well, how do you do that? |
Vincent opens his mouth to reveal fangs. The audience full of Muppet monsters cheer loudly | |
Kermit | How do you do that? That is so scary. |
Vincent Price | Well, Kermit, if you will forgive the modesty, that is perhaps the epitome of the actor's craft. It takes tremendous concentration, years of physical and emotional training and enormous mental exertion. Do you understand? |
Kermit | Oh, sure. |
Kermit opens his mouth revealing his own fangs | |
Vincent Price | Oh, well, some people learn faster than others. |
Kermit bites Vincent | |
Statler | By the way, I thought your wife was coming tonight. |
Waldorf | The old bat couldn't come. |
Bats fly up to their box | |
Statler | The rest of 'em sure made it. |
Backstage[]
A doll hand starts moving on Kermit's table | |
Tom | Kermit. |
Dick | Kermit. |
Harry | Kermit. |
Kermit | Uh, what, what, what? |
Tom, Dick, and Harry | (In union): When do we go on? |
Kermit | Listen, I'm sorry, fellas, but there is no place for you in the show tonight. |
Tome, Dick, and Harry | (In unison): But what about our big song? |
Kermit | Good grief, All right, What big song? |
Tom | What else? |
Tom, Dick, and Harry | (In unison): "Tea For Three." |
Kermit | (Yelling) Out, out, out! |
Tom, Dick and Harry exit to their right,and Kermit to his left, then two ghosts float up from the floor | |
Male Ghost | Who writes this stuff, anyway? |
Female Ghost | Who else? The ghostwriter. |
They laugh and float away as Uncle Deadly watches on from the second floor |
Muppet News Flash[]
The Newsman | Here is a Muppet news flash. Our newsroom has been flooded with calls today, reporting that furniture all over town has been turning into monsters. Seven people have allegedly been attacked by a wandering pack of sofas at the east edge of town. A dining-room table set for eight reportedly ate the eight it was set for. |
The Camera pans out to reveal The Newsman on a television screen in the living room of a Whatnot man watching sitting on an ottoman | |
The Newsman | (on tv; continuing) When contacted for comment, Sheriff David Goelz assured Muppet News central that the rumor was false. According to Goelz, there is no way for a piece of furniture to turn into a monster. |
The ottoman comes to life and the man jumps off and starts wacking it with a newspaper | |
the Newsman | (on tv; continuing) Scientists throughout the city confirmed that such an occurrence would be impossible. Inanimate objects cannot turn into monsters. |
The man backs into a dresser that begins to come to life and attack as well | |
The Newsman | (on tv; continuing) Still the mass hysteria could be due to what psychologists are calling "furnophobia, " a dread fear of the rising prices of home furnishings. |
The man runs out of the room, pursued by the dresser and a lamp | |
The Newsman | (on tv; continuing) The phenomena does seem to relate to the cost-of-living increase during the past month. But people are advised to relax, secure in the knowledge that their furniture will not turn into a monster. |
The man, having avoided the furniture makes it back into the living room and slams the door behind him | |
The Newsman | (on tv; continuing) And that's all tonight from Muppet News. Goodnight. |
The TV shuts off, and grows fangs and eats the man, as he backs into it | |
In Muppet News central | |
The Newsman | Boy, that last item about furniture is ridiculous. |
His desk eats him |
Blackout[]
Vincent Price | This is ridiculous, I can't find Hilda anywhere.Oh, well, I guess I'll just have to carry this stuff up myself. |
Sweetums | Ooh, excuse me, Mr, Price. |
Vincent Price | Yes? |
Sweetums | Can I give you a hand? |
Vincent Price | Oh, please. |
Sweetums | Here. |
he pulls off his hand | |
Vincent Price | That's my kind of joke. (Laughs) |
Backstage[]
Talking Houses[]
House #3 | My youngest boy is very interested in medicine. |
House #4 | Oh, he's a doctor? |
House #3 | No, A hospital. |
"You've Got a Friend"[]
Goodnights[]
Footnotes[]
- ↑ The end of the "House of Horrors" sketch was altered: the original punchline was, "On New Year's Eve, the Master turns into Guy Lombardo!" Since the show was primarily aimed at an American audience, "Guy Lombardo" was replaced with ATV (and Muppet Show) bandleader "Jack Parnell" when the UK master (which has been used on all home video releases of the episode) was prepared. The original US broadcast print with the Guy Lombardo reference has never been recovered and is considered lost, although Uncle Deadly's original line remained intact when the sketch was illustrated in The Muppet Show Book.