Kermit
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Hey uh, George. George?
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George the Janitor
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What? What? What?
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Kermit
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Would you clean up this backstage? This whole place is a mess.
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George the Janitor
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Yeah. Of course it's a mess, with all these Muppets exploding around here. Every time I turn around, there's somebody blowing his top.
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Kermit
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Uh, George, that is a slight exaggeration, isn't it?
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A Green Frackle walks by and BOOM! his head explodes. The headless figure walks away.
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George the Janitor
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Ehh. I guess it's all in my mind.
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Enter Valerie through the backstage entrance. Applause.
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Valerie
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Am I in the right place?
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Kermit
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Oh, Valerie Harper! Welcome to The Muppet Show! Oh, we're so glad that you can come and be with us.
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Valerie
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Oh, me too, Kermit. You know, I'm not filming Rhoda this week. I got hiatus.
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Kermit
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Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. Did you get it lifting something?
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Valerie
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Oh, no —
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Kermit
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Maybe you should see a doctor.
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Valerie
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Kermit, that means that we're on vacation. And um, well, you see, I'm a total Muppet freak.
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George the Janitor
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Everyone in this joint is a freak!
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A three-headed creature goes by.
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George the Janitor
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See what I mean?
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Kermit
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Uh, George, this is uh, Valerie Harper. She's on hiatus.
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George the Janitor
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I'm George the janitor. I'm on vitamin E. (waves his mop at Kermit) Move it.
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Kermit
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Uh, you have to uh, forgive George there, uh …
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Valerie
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Okay.
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Kermit
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Uh, you were saying, Valerie?
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Valerie
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Yes. I — I was hoping that uh, you might let me do a big opening number on the show.
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Kermit
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Oh, well, we had planned to open the show with uh, Bertha Beasley and her Galloping Geese.
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Valerie
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Yes.
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Kermit
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But actually, uh, Bertha isn't here yet and the show's about to start.
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Valerie
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She won't be here, Kermit.
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Kermit
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Uh - what?
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Valerie
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I, uh, scotch-taped a bushel of birdseed to her body. Even as we speak, geese are pecking her into oblivion.
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Kermit
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Uh — heh, wow, you are some determined lady.
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Valerie
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I certainly am, Kermit. Look, I can do it if you just give me the chance. Kermit, television is great, but I gotta get back on those boards. (music swells up) You know what it's like - a live audience, smell of the grease paint, the roar of the crowd. At least let me audition for you, will you?
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Kermit
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Sure. Go on ahead.
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Valerie sings "Broadway Baby" while walking upstairs. She enters her dressing room, re-emerging in costume as a maid, Mae West, and Marilyn Monroe. She takes the spotlight for her big finish. The Muppets gather around and applaud. All three of her characters come out for their curtain call.
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Kermit
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Oh, that was great! You were just wonderful, Valerie! I tell you, you're going out on that stage a star, but you're gonna be coming back a chorus girl. (walks off)
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Valerie
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I'm not sure that's what I had in mind.
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Waldorf
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Ehh, what a beautiful performer.
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Statler
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Yeah, what a beautiful woman. You know, Waldorf, I think I'll go backstage and meet her. Hmph!
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Waldorf
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Why, you old fool, she wouldn't have anything to do with you. Besides, I was thinking of going backstage.
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Statler
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You? You? Why, you're old enough to be her grandfather.
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Waldorf
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Why, you geriatric joker. We'll settle this. We'll flip for her.
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Statler
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Okay.
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Waldorf
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One, two, three —
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Statler flips upside down.
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Waldorf
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You win.
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