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The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 121: Twiggy.


Kermit appears in the show's O.
Kermit It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Twiggy!
The banner rises, and the theme begins.
Chorus girls

It's time to play the music
It's time to light the lights
It's time to meet the Muppets
On The Muppet Show tonight!

Male chorus

It's time to put on makeup
It's time to dress up right
It's time to raise the curtain
On The Muppet Show tonight!

The curtain opens on Fozzie.
Fozzie Hey, I went to a resort hotel for a change and a rest. The waiter got the change and the hotel got the rest. Aaaah!
The audience laughs. The curtain closes.

To introduce our guest star,
That's what I'm here to do!
So it really makes me happy
To introduce to you —

The Muppets surround Twiggy as she grins.
Kermit But now let's get things started
Kermit & gang

On the most sensational, inspirational
Celebrational, Muppetational
This is what we call The Muppet Show!

Gonzo hits Beautiful Day Monster instead of the "O."

Opening number

Main stage. Kermit enters to applause and a fanfare.
Kermit Thank you, thank you, thank you. Good evening, gang, and welcome to the show. And what a show it is, 'cause tonight our special guest is a beautiful young lady, whose face is known the world over. She only has one name, but many talents - the one and only Twiggy. We'll be meeting her in a few minutes, but right now let's get things swinging on The Muppet Show!
A Feather Duster sings "Dance" with a group of Feather Boas to back it up.
Statler Was that a great number?
Waldorf I don't know. I slept through it.
Statler Me too. That's why I asked. (dozes off)


The feather duster and boas walk past Kermit.
Kermit OK. Very nice. Very nice. You guys have come a long way since you were feather dusters.
Feather duster Thank you, I enjoyed it ever so much, really I did.
Scooter looks fearful.
Scooter Kermit, Kermit. Call me kooky, call me crazy, but I think there's a Phantom of The Muppet Show.
Kermit You're kooky. You're crazy.
Scooter No, I'm serious. I was just up in the stars' dressing room, and I saw the most ghoulish, fiendish-looking face in the closet.
Hilda That was me, clown. I was hanging up the wardrobe.
Scooter No, no, no. After you left... Listen, Kermit, I'm serious. There's something here that should be looked into.
Hilda Yes, your head. Phantom of The Muppet Show! (laughs)
Kermit Uh, look, Scooter, uh, we're kinda busy right now, but we'll keep our eyes open. I mean, seriously, I think you've been using your imagination too much. If there's a Phantom of The Muppet Show, I'm a monkey's uncle.
Wanda runs out of her dressing room, screaming.
Wanda Help! There's a phantom in the dressing room! (faints)
Kermit Anybody got a banana?

"In My Life"

Main stage. Gonzo makes an introduction.
Gonzo Right now I'd like to introduce the lovely Leafy — Barky! … No, Branchy... Uh …
Fozzie Twiggy.
Gonzo Do I get credit for being close?
Fozzie drags Gonzo away by the nose. The curtain opens on Twiggy in a press conference, surrounded by reporters, including Nigel, Floyd, Kermit and Janice.
Twiggy Hello, everyone, I'd like to thank you all for coming here today.
Reporters You're welcome.
Twiggy I really love press conferences, but …
Reporters (giggling)
Twiggy I will try and answer any questions that you might have.
Whatnot reporter I have a question, I have a question.
Twiggy Yes?
Whatnot reporter Uh, Miss Twiggy, how is it that a beautiful girl like you only has one nose?
Twiggy Eh? Um … Well, I mean, that's usual, isn't it?
He reveals that he has two noses.
Whatnot reporter Uh, yeah. So I noticed.
Kermit Twiggy. Wait a minute. I have a serious question. Uh, who are the most important people in your life?
Nigel Yeah, and what about the places?
Reporters Oh, yeah. That would be interesting. Tell us …
Music swells up. Twiggy sings "In My Life" as pictures from her past are superimposed.
Waldorf Aw, Twiggy makes my heart sing.
Statler Oh, well, let me hear.
He puts his ear to Waldorf's chest.
Statler Nice song, but your pacemaker needs tuning.


Fozzie walks backwards, backing into Kermit.
Fozzie (shrieks) Don't do that! Don't you know that this is serious? Everybody here is scared of the Phantom of The Muppet Show. Kermit, you've got to do something,
Gonzo Yeah, Fozzie's right. I just saw the most terrifying face peering out from behind the sewing machine.
Hilda Oh, that was me again, you nitwit.
Gonzo No, it was after you left.
Hilda Oh, scaredy-cats.
They all quarrel. Exit Hilda.
Kermit Listen to me, this is ridiculous. You've gotta keep your head on your shoulders.
A headless figure passes by and…
Head TMS121.gif
Kermit That's better.
Fozzie Oh, sure, sure. You can joke all you want, but there is something funny going on around here.
Kermit Fine. But there better be something funny going on out there. Come on, move it, move it.
Fozzie (pushes Gonzo away) All right. Go, go, go!
Kermit Phantom of The Muppet Show. Yeesh.
As he exits, a blue figure emerges on the balcony, cackling.
Uncle Deadly Ah, what fools these Muppets be.

Wayne and Wanda

Main stage. Sam stands at the proscenium.
Sam the Eagle Ahem. Right now, the ever-popular Wayne and Wanda, and their version of that great oldie, "Let It Snow, Let It Snow, Let It Snow." (walks off) Oh, let it work, let it work, let it work.

Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
But the fire is so delightful.

Wayne But if you've no place to go,
Wayne & Wanda Let it snow, let it snow, let it —
PLOP! It snows on them.
Wayne Funny, funny! Ha!

"The King's Breakfast"

Open on Gonzo and Muppy in a bed. Gonzo turns his head towards the candle, and his nose gets singed.
Gonzo Ow! Oh, my nose.
Muppy licks his nose.
Gonzo Thank you.
Twiggy Hello, you two.
Gonzo Oh, hi, Twiggy. Hey, Muppy and I here were hoping you'd tell us a little bedtime story.
Twiggy Oh, I'd love to, but what would you like to hear?
Gonzo Well, Muppy here really likes the poems of A.A. Milne. You wouldn't know one, would you?
Twiggy Know one? I've rehearsed one. (takes out a book) It's called "The King's Breakfast."
Fade to a medieval setting as harpsichord music plays. Twiggy plays the dairymaid and the narrator.
Twiggy The king asked the queen, and the queen asked the dairymaid…
Queen Could we have some butter for the royal slice of bread?

The queen asked the dairymaid. The dairymaid said, "Certainly,"
"I'll go and see the cow now before she goes to bed."
The dairymaid she curtsied, and went to see the Alderney.

She walks over to the cow.

"Don't forget the butter for the royal slice of bread."
The Alderney said sleepily…


You'd better tell His Majesty
that many people nowadays like marmalade instead.

Twiggy The dairymaid said, "Fancy!" and went to Her Majesty.

She curtsied to the queen and she turned a little red,
"Excuse me, Your Majesty, for taking of the liberty,
but marmalade is tasty if it's very thickly spread."
The queen said…

Queen Oh…
Twiggy …and went to His Majesty.

Talking of the butter for the royal slice of bread …
Many people think that marmalade is nicer.
Would you like to try a little marmalade instead?

Twiggy The king said…
King Rupert Bother.
Twiggy And then he said…
King Rupert Oh, deary me.
Twiggy The king sobbed…
King Rupert Oh, deary me!
Twiggy … and went back to bed.
King Rupert Nobody…
Twiggy … he whimpered …
King Rupert

…could call me a fussy man.
I only want a little bit of butter for my bread.

Twiggy The queen said…
Queen There, there.

…and then she went to the dairymaid.
The dairymaid said, "There, there," and went to the shed.
The cow said …


Oh, there, there. I didn't really mean it.
Here's milk for his porridger and butter for his bread.


The queen took the butter and brought it to His Majesty.
The king said…

King Rupert Butter, eh?
Twiggy …and bounced out of bed.
King Rupert Nobody…
Twiggy … he said, as he kissed her tenderly…
King Rupert Nobody…
Twiggy … he said, as he slid down the banisters…
King Rupert

Nobody, my darling, could call me a fussy man.
But I do like a little bit of butter to my bread.

They all bow. Fade back to the bedroom. Gonzo and Muppy are now joined by Catgut, T.R., Rowlf, Baskerville and some chickens who all applaud Twiggy.
Random (That was wonderful.)

At the Dance

Couples dance in a ballroom.
Female pig Oh, honey, at our wedding, who's going to be the best man?
Male pig My brother.
Female pig Oh. Maybe I should marry him.
Statler and Waldorf dance together.
Statler Hey, hey, you said I could lead this time.
Waldorf OK, OK, but I thought you promised to wear the pink taffeta.
Statler Oh, so I lied.
Woman What's the difference between immoral and illegal?
Sam the Eagle Well, immoral is, uh, doing bad things. Illegal is me with a tummy ache. (she scowls) I didn't write it.
Kermit dances with Mary Louise.
Kermit Hey, uh, thank you for letting me have this dance with you. Uh, what did you say your name was?
Mary Louise Mary Louise. One, two, three, dip. (dips him violently)
It's that loud lady again …
Loud lady Yeah, so, I've recorded three record albums and they're really great, but they haven't sold.
Partner Uh, what do you sing? Rock?
Loud lady No, lullabies!
Back to Kermit.
Mary Louise One, two, three, dip. One, two, three, twirl.
Kermit ends up hanging from the chandelier.
Kermit Cute. Cute dance step.
He falls down. Blackout.

UK spot

Rowlf plays "Minuet in G Major," making a few minor mistakes along the way.
Rowlf (midway through) Sorry about that.


Fozzie passes by Vendaface.
Vendaface Hello. I am Vendaface, the world's first fully automatic psychiatric machine. Simply insert coin in slot, step up to machine, and I will tell you what your problem is.
Fozzie Oh, yes, yes, yes.
He inserts a coin.
Vendaface Please insert another coin.
He inserts another coin.
Vendaface Please insert another coin.
He inserts another coin.
Fozzie OK, OK. Now, what is my problem?
Vendaface You are much too generous.
Fozzie (starts kicking the machine) Gah! What do you mean, much too generous?
Vendaface You also have a rotten temper.
Two mechanical hands emerge and grab Fozzie by the neck. Meanwhile, Statler hangs from the balcony.
Waldorf I think that was great. Right, Statler? … Statler! You fell.
Statler No, my upper plate fell. I jumped after it.
Waldorf chuckles.


Kermit looks over some sheet music. Scooter taps him on the shoulder, startling him.
Scooter So, you still don't believe us about the phantom, huh, Kermit?
Kermit Listen, Scooter, there are no such things as ghosts, or goblins, or phantoms, or …
Hilda runs out of the dressing room, screaming.
Hilda Oh, help! Help, somebody! Heeeeelp!
Kermit Hilda, what is it now?
Hilda Kermit, I just saw the most hideous, inhuman face. For a moment, I thought it was Gonzo.
Gonzo But that was me.
Hilda Well, what are you doing scaring an old lady half to death?
Gonzo Well, I was hiding from the phantom.
Scooter See? See, Kermit?
Kermit All I see are a bunch of Muppets spreading mass hysteria. Now, there is no such thing as a phantom. That's final. Period. End of report.
Fozzie Uh, K-Kermit? Kermit?
Kermit What?
Fozzie (whimpering) What has a skull-like head, fiery green eyes and a torn cape?
Kermit I don't know.
Fozzie I don't know either, but it's right behind you!!
Everyone flees screaming.
Kermit Uh, you will notice that I didn't fall for their joke. And if it isn't a joke - I mean, if there is someone or something behind me - there is no doubt a logical explanation for it. So I shall now just turn slowly around and see what is going on here.
He turns around and faces Uncle Deadly.
Kermit Uh, pardon me, sir, but is there a logical explanation for your presence here?
Uncle Deadly (cackles)
Kermit Apparently, there is no logical explanation.
He runs away screaming. Uncle Deadly cackles.

Muppet newsflash

Newsman Here is a Muppet news flash. (runs to the desk) Dateline, London. Mrs. Lola Thomas of that city has just finished eating an entire diesel tractor.
She appears on the monitor.
Newsman Tell me, Mrs, Thomas, why did you do such a thing?
Twiggy Well, the doctor told me I had an iron deficiency, you see, so I started on a couple of doorknobs and the occasional typewriter. But there's nothing really quite like a good bit of diesel tractor with your chips and peas, is there?
Newsman What an extraordinary feat. I mean, how was it done?
Twiggy Oh. Medium rare or thereabouts.
Newsman Is this lady making a fool of me?
She takes a bite out of her microphone, and gives a thumbs-up.
Statler She didn't make a fool of him.
Waldorf No. He managed it all by himself.
They chuckle.


Kermit looks around for some papers.
Kermit (mumbling) … it was around here a minute ago …
The door creaks open. Kermit looks around.
Kermit Nothing.
Uncle Deadly enters, covering his face. He shocks Kermit with a yell.
Kermit Who are you?
Uncle Deadly I am Uncle Deadly. Better known as the Phantom of The Muppet Show.
Kermit Yes, sir. W-w-w-well, Uncle, uh, Deadly, uh, Phantom, uh, whatever do you want? I mean, I'm just a, just a frog. Just a little, harmless, little, helpless, little, harmless, green frog. I never hurt a fly. Well, maybe I ate a few as a kid, but--
Uncle Deadly Enough of your horrible little jokes!
Kermit Yes, sir.
Uncle Deadly You Muppets have taken over my theatre.
Kermit Yes, sir.
Uncle Deadly My home. Years ago, I was a great actor. A star. In this very theatre, my Hamlet was acclaimed as the greatest ever.
Kermit Yes, sir.
Uncle Deadly And then I played my most difficult role, Othello. But opening night, I was killed.
Kermit Oh, well, I-I'm very sorry to hear that. Who killed you?
Uncle Deadly The critics.
Kermit chuckles. Deadly grabs him by the neck.
Uncle Deadly Enough!
Kermit Yes, sir.
Uncle Deadly I swore I would never perform here again, nor would anyone else.
Kermit No, sir.
Uncle Deadly I will drive you all from this theatre. Leave or be dooooooooomed!
Kermit He shakes Kermit, then lets him go.
Uncle Deadly Which way do I exit?
Kermit points him to the exit. Deadly glides out.
Kermit "Leave or be doomed." I don't think I like those options.
As he walks, he encounters the other Muppets from today's plot.
Hilda Kermit. Oh, oh, Kermit, we have been looking for you. It was all a joke.
Scooter Yeah, that's right, chief. George was just trying to scare us.
Gonzo Yeah, he said he found an old mask and cape in the cellar. Can you imagine that?
George the Janitor Hahaha. Yeah, I was just fooling around. There ain't no phantom. I was just trying to scare everybody. Hahahaha.
Kermit Well, you certainly did, and if you ever do it again you're out of a job. You scared me out of about ten years' growth, and I can't afford to get any smaller.
Deadly rises upstairs. They all look up.
Uncle Deadly Leave or be doomed!!
Kermit Uh uh, George, if you're down here, uh, who's that up there?
George the Janitor That must be …
All … the Phantom of The Muppet Show!
They all scatter as Deadly cackles.
Uncle Deadly That may have been one of the greatest performances of my career.

"Ain't Nobody's Business But My Own"

Kermit Our guest star tonight was born in London, but all you folks in Enid, Oklahoma, better stand by to hear a soul sister. Ladies and gentlemen, the down-home sound of the incomparable Twiggy!
Twiggy, the Hillbilly Singer and the Gogolala Jubilee Jugband sing "Ain't Nobody's Business But My Own."


Kermit OK, that about does it for another week, but I do want to give an extra special warm thank-you to our lovely and charming guest star.
Uncle Deadly Ah, thank you so much.
Kermit No, no, no, I mean Twiggy, Twiggy! Yaaay!
Twiggy I really had a lovely time, Kermit. (points to Deadly) I even liked him.
Kermit Hey, you like him, you can have him.
Twiggy Oh. Well, not that much.
Kermit I didn't think so. Hey, we'll see you all next time on The Muppet Show!
The Muppets all gather around as the credits roll.
Statler You know, every week this show looks better to me.
Waldorf Every week your eyesight gets worse.