Main stage. Kermit enters to applause, but trips and quickly gets up.
Kermit
Uh — uh, thank you, thank you. And welcome again to The Muppet Show. And our special guest star tonight is one of the funniest ladies in the business, and one of the nicest, Miss Kaye Ballard. So we think it's gonna be a great show tonight. And if you stick around, we think you'll agree. But right now, let's get things moving on The Muppet Show!
The Country Trio perform "In the Summertime".
Waldorf
Encore! Encore!
Statler
Not so loud. They may hear you.
Backstage[]
Floyd moseys up to Kermit and taps him on the shoulder.
Kermit
Hm?
Floyd
Hey, Kermit. So long, man.
Kermit
Hey, b-but, Floyd, the show is on. You should be in the orchestra pit.
Floyd
Sorry, man. I'm anklin'.
Kermit
Anklin'?
Floyd
Yeah, anklin'. You know, leavin'. I've come to the coda. I'm using the door marked "Exit." Like a banana in the presence of ice cream, I intend to split.
Kermit
B-but, Floyd, you can't just leave us.
Floyd
Ehh, listen, Kermit, you're a nice little dude in your own amphibian way, but … I just can't take it anymore.
Kermit
… But what's the matter?
Floyd
It's the theme song.
Kermit
The theme?
Floyd
Kermit, you are talking to Floyd Pepper, the hippest of the hip. I mean, I have a room for life at the Home for the Chronically Groovy. And every week I have to come in here and play, (hums Muppet Show Theme).
Kermit
(dances) Nice.
Floyd
It's embarrassingly square. And I don't play square.
Kermit
Yeah, b-but, Floyd, none of the other musicians have complained.
The band passes by.
Trumpet Girl
Drag city.
Zoot
Yeah, we're gonna beat feet.
Animal
Yeah.
Kermit
Hey, Animal, you like the theme, don't you?
Animal
(nods) Yeah, yeah!
Floyd
No, no.
Animal
(shakes head) No, no.
Floyd
Un-copacetic.
Kermit
Hey, but wait a minute, Floyd. What about Kaye Ballard's big number?
Floyd
Hey, wait a minute, wait a minute.
The band comes back.
Floyd
The dude's right. Yeah, we can't walk out on Kaye Ballard's number.
Kermit
Good.
Floyd
We'll walk out after Kaye Ballard's number.
They make their way to the pit.
Kermit
Phew. A stay of execution. I must remember to thank the warden.
"Oh Babe What Would You Say"[]
Main stage. Kermit enters, but trips and quickly gets up.
Kermit
Uh … ahem. Uh, right now, gang, it's time to meet a star who knows her way around a song like I know my way around a lily pad, Miss Kaye Ballard. (trips and gets up)
The curtain opens on Kaye and Thog, who dance and sing "Oh Babe What Would You Say".
Waldorf
I could watch Kaye Ballard all night.
Statler
Mm. I tried it once, but she pulled the shade down. (laughs)
Waldorf
Why, you dirty old man. (punches him)
Backstage[]
Floyd and the band approach Kermit.
Floyd
Okay, green stuff, me and the guys stayed through the Kaye Ballard number, and now, before it's time for that awful theme song, we're leaving.
Kermit
But w-wait a minute. Hey. Kaye's got another number.
Floyd
Oh, yeah? Well, maybe we'll stay for that.
Kermit
Oh, good. Listen, I'm asking you, just stay through to the end of the show so you can play the theme.
Floyd
That does it. We're leaving. (they walk away)
Kermit
But w-wait a minute, wait a minute! (they stop and come back) Listen. If you do it, next week we'll have a new theme.
Floyd
Oh, yeah? Well, maybe we'll stay, then.
Kermit
Good, because your noble conductor, Nigel here, has offered to write a new theme.
Floyd
We're leaving. (they turn around and walk)
Kermit
B-but why?
Floyd
(whispers) He wrote the first one, man.
The band exits; Kermit follows them.
Floyd
Hey, but, guys, come on! Please! Listen!
Nigel
I always thought it was kind of a hip tune.
Muppet newsflash[]
Newsman
Here's a Muppet news flash. (runs to the desk) Dateline, Boston, Massachusetts. Mrs. Gretchen Powers of that city is trying to enter the Guinness Book of Records by completing the world's longest sentence. She began talking six weeks ago and neighbors say she hasn't stopped since. Our Muppet cameras are in her home now. Uh, Mrs. Powers?
Kaye appears in the monitor.
Kaye
… and the dog fell over the nose of the tree went into the spaghetti factory while six million men marched in their foghorns under a double-decker bus, whose onion soup spoke of undermining the welfare of the country …
Newsman
Uh, Mrs. Powers, if we could interrupt for a moment.
Kaye
(inhales) … but for the grace of the noodle pie go I, said the spokesman for the group, who wore a turtleneck convertible, as the rain fell for the first time since the packet was well over the side of the …
Newsman
This sentence you're saying is long, but I'm missing the point of it.
Kaye
… that was covered … (inhales) … in what was said not the fault of the blueberry bush, but instead when the investigators arrived at the corset factory …
Newsman
(as she continues) Uh, Mrs. Powers' husband Carl said it makes about as much sense as anything she's said. He said this from his home at the Clinging Vine Home for the Crazed.
Kaye
… agreed that life could exist in the third row of the balcony, because that is the way it is, you cannot believe what goes on …
At the Dance[]
Couples dance in a ballroom. We start on Janice and Zoot.
Janice
My family has quite a history. You can find a record of them in the 17th century.
Zoot
So has my family. You can find a record of them in the 19th precinct.
Onto George and Mildred.
Mildred
George, why is it that everything we discuss, you reduce to the level of the gutter?
George the Janitor
Heh, I just want to make you feel comfortable. Haaaa!
Onto the loud lady and her partner.
Loud lady
(loudly) So I said to him, "What kind of a girl do you think I am?" I told him I never wanted to see him again! Never, never, never! Do you think I did the right thing, Herman?
Ohh, yes, I'm loving it. Everything is just great, Kermit.
Kermit
Oh, good. Well, you know, we are having some trouble here.
Kaye
Oh, yeah. (nods)
Kermit
Yeah, the band is threatening to quit.
Kaye
Oh! (nods knowingly)
Kermit
To tell you the truth, Kaye, sometimes I don't think I understand musicians.
Kaye
Well, I'll tell you what, Kermit. You know, uh, maybe I can help because I'm a bit of a musician myself.
Kermit
Well, you know, Kaye, if you could help smooth things over, I'd really appreciate it.
Kaye
Well, I'd like to try. Animal! Come here, I'd like to talk to you a minute.
Animal
(growls at Kermit)
Kaye
Now listen. Why are you guys so unhappy?
Animal
(growls incoherently)
Kaye
No kidding?
Animal
(growls incoherently, motioning towards Kermit, mumbling the theme song) Blecch!
Kaye
Oh, well, I — you've got a point. You have a point. I'm willing to say you have a point. Kermit.
Kermit
Yeah?
Kaye
Animal feels a deep-seated hostility. Am I right so far?
Animal
Deep seated!
Kaye
… in what he interprets as a demeaning situation. Right?
Animal
Demeaning.
Kermit
Gee, Kaye, you do understand musicians, don't you?
Kaye
Well, I try.
Kermit
Mm-hm. Okay.
Kaye
I'll try to fix it. Animal?
Animal
Yeah?
Kaye
I have been giving it serious consideration and I honestly — personally, I don't think that —
She hums the theme and snaps her fingers. Kermit joins in.
Kaye
I think it's good!
Animal screams and bites her on the shoulder.
Kermit
Animal!
Kaye
Animal! Animal! Animal! Please control yourself. Wait a minute. You've got to understand that I am just visiting here. Now, I — I really feel you should discuss this further with Kermit. I want to be out of this.
Kermit
Well, I don't think we need to actually discuss it.
Animal
DISCUSS!!
He begins wrestling Kermit as Kaye watches and winces.
Kermit winds up stuffed in a ball. Animal walks away.
Animal
Froggy.
Kaye
Is there anything else I can help you with?
Kermit
How are you at notifying next of kin?
Kaye
(un-stuffs him) Well, just — just tell me the area code. (giggles)
Barber shop[]
A hairy green creature walks into a barber shop and sits in the chair.
Creature
Hi.
Barber
Howdy.
Creature
I'd like a haircut.
Barber
Sure, I can believe that.
Creature
Cut it real short. My rock group just broke up and I'm sick of it.
Barber
Check. (begins cutting)
Creature
Cut it short back, sides, front, top, bottom and middle.
Barber
All righty.
Waldorf
You know, I have the feeling this is a running gag.
Statler
Yes, but it's the audience that should be doing the running.
They chuckle. The hairy creature has gotten smaller. The barber continues working on him.
Creature
Boy, you sure are slow.
Barber
Yeah. All in due time.
Waldorf
By the way, who cuts your hair? The gardener? (laughs)
The green creature has been reduced to a small speck.
Barber
Well, there you go, sir. That'll be three dollars.
He sneezes, blowing the speck away.
Barber
Oh, rats. I think I've just lost a customer.
Backstage[]
George walks by Kermit.
Kermit
Okay. Thank you, George. You don't mind cleaning that up, do you? Huh? (George nods) Great. Appreciate it.
Floyd
Hey, my friendly froggy little flipper friend.
Kermit
Yeah?
Floyd
Me and the gang have decided not to end our gig here.
Kermit
Oh, good.
Floyd
If …
Kermit
Huh? If what?
Floyd
If I can write the new theme song.
Kermit
Oh, well, that'll be fine with me.
Floyd
No, it won't, man.
Kermit
Uh, why not?
Floyd
You'll hate my music. You won't understand it.
Kermit
Weh — now listen here. I'm pretty hip too, you know.
Floyd
Not hip enough. Nobody understands my music. I mean, I don't even understand it.
Kermit
You don't?
Floyd
If I didn't know I was a genius, I wouldn't listen to the trash I write.
Kermit
(frowning) Gee, I can hardly wait to hear it. (walks away)
Floyd
I gotta get myself together.
Vendaface[]
Zelda Rose and Janice walk past a Vendaface machine. A blue Whatnot inspects it as it talks.
Vendaface
Hello. I am Vendaface, the world's first fully-automated face-lift machine. Just insert coin in the slot, step up to the machine and within moments your face-lift will be complete.
The blue Whatnot turns its head to the camera, revealing its hideous face.
Whatnot (FO)
Oh, yes! I'll do it, I'll do it! Ah!
He inserts a coin into the slot.
Vendaface
Now for phase one.
Two robotic hands remove the blue Whatnot's hair, facial features and fangs and places them in a drawer.
Vendaface
Now for phase two.
The Whatnot nods excitedly. The hands dig in the drawer and place eyes, a nose and a brown wig on the Whatnot, making it look more feminine. The hands retract into the machine. A green lady Whatnot reacts.
Whatnot (EO)
Oh! I love it! I love it!
She puts a coin in the slot.
Vendaface
Now for phase one.
The hands come back out and remove her eyes, nose and hair.
Vendaface
Now for phase two.
The hands give her the hideous features that the blue Whatnot had before. She screams and runs away.
Vendaface
Next. (blinks eyes)
Backstage[]
Floyd gathers the band backstage.
Floyd
Okay, everybody ready? … Zoot.
Kermit
Okay, uh, so you've written a new theme song, huh?
Floyd
Right. Right. If you like it, we stay. If you don't, it's "Auld Lang Syne" time.
Kermit
Uh, I am sure I will love it. Go.
Floyd
It's called "Fugue for Frog."
Kermit
See, I already love that part.
Floyd
Good, 'cause you'll hate the rest. Hit it!
The band plays a funky, albeit discordant, melody.
Band
Mup! Mup! Mup! Pet! Show!
Kermit
That was the worst! And besides that, how are you gonna play Kaye Ballard's closing number from back here?
Floyd
Like always. Loudly.
Kermit sighs and walks away.
Floyd
Frog has no musical taste.
"One Note Samba"[]
Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit
Once again, Miss Kaye Ballard.
The band rush onstage anyway to join Kaye Ballard for "One Note Samba." Kaye and Miss Piggy battle to upstage each other with different instruments throughout the song. Kaye wins with a tuba.
Goodnights[]
Kermit
Well, that's about all the time we have…
Floyd
Hey, Kermit.
Kermit
Hmm?
Floyd
Hey, me and the band want Miss Ballard to sign this petition about the theme song of the show.
Kermit
Will you guys get out of here?
Floyd
Okay. We're anklin'. Come on.
The band leaves.
Kermit
Out, out, out!
Animal
Ankling!
Kermit
Okay. Well, having settled that, I'd like a warm thank you to our special guest star Miss Kaye Ballard! Yaay!
Kaye
Kermit, thank you. I love you. I really do. I love all of you. Wait a minute, I take that back. There's one exception. I'm, uh, I'm not too sure about Miss Piggy because I think she's very hoggy.
Miss Piggy
Hoggy? Hoggy this! Hi-YAH!
She karate-chops Kaye. They begin fighting.
Kermit
We'll see you all next time on The Muppet Show.
Rowlf, the only band member left, plays the closing theme on piano.
Rowlf
Well, you must admit, Nigel, this does sound a little square.