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The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 123: Kaye Ballard.


Kermit appears in the show's O.
Kermit It's The Muppet Show, with our special guest star, Miss Kaye Ballard!
The banner rises, and the theme begins.
Chorus girls

It's time to play the music
It's time to light the lights
It's time to meet the Muppets
On The Muppet Show tonight!

Male chorus

It's time to put on makeup
It's time to dress up right
It's time to raise the curtain
On The Muppet Show tonight!

The curtain opens on Fozzie.
Fozzie Hey! Have you heard the one about this very fat pig?
Miss Piggy Have you heard the one about this very flat bear? Hi-YAH!
She karate-chops him. The curtain closes.

To introduce our guest star,
That's what I'm here to do!
So it really makes me happy
To introduce to you β€”
Miss Kaye Ballard!

Kaye admires the Muppets as they gather around her.
Kermit But now let's get things started
Kermit & gang

On the most sensational, inspirational
Celebrational, Muppetational
This is what we call The Muppet Show!

Crazy Harry sets off an explosion before Gonzo can hit the "O".
Gonzo Not bad.

Opening number

Main stage. Kermit enters to applause, but trips and quickly gets up.
Kermit Uh β€” uh, thank you, thank you. And welcome again to The Muppet Show. And our special guest star tonight is one of the funniest ladies in the business, and one of the nicest, Miss Kaye Ballard. So we think it's gonna be a great show tonight. And if you stick around, we think you'll agree. But right now, let's get things moving on The Muppet Show!
The Country Trio perform "In the Summertime".
Waldorf Encore! Encore!
Statler Not so loud. They may hear you.


Floyd moseys up to Kermit and taps him on the shoulder.
Kermit Hm?
Floyd Hey, Kermit. So long, man.
Kermit Hey, b-but, Floyd, the show is on. You should be in the orchestra pit.
Floyd Sorry, man. I'm anklin'.
Kermit Anklin'?
Floyd Yeah, anklin'. You know, leavin'. I've come to the coda. I'm using the door marked "Exit." Like a banana in the presence of ice cream, I intend to split.
Kermit B-but, Floyd, you can't just leave us.
Floyd Ehh, listen, Kermit, you're a nice little dude in your own amphibian way, but … I just can't take it anymore.
Kermit … But what's the matter?
Floyd It's the theme song.
Kermit The theme?
Floyd Kermit, you are talking to Floyd Pepper, the hippest of the hip. I mean, I have a room for life at the Home for the Chronically Groovy. And every week I have to come in here and play, (hums Muppet Show Theme).
Kermit (dances) Nice.
Floyd It's embarrassingly square. And I don't play square.
Kermit Yeah, b-but, Floyd, none of the other musicians have complained.
The band passes by.
Trumpet Girl Drag city.
Zoot Yeah, we're gonna beat feet.
Animal Yeah.
Kermit Hey, Animal, you like the theme, don't you?
Animal (nods) Yeah, yeah!
Floyd No, no.
Animal (shakes head) No, no.
Floyd Un-copacetic.
Kermit Hey, but wait a minute, Floyd. What about Kaye Ballard's big number?
Floyd Hey, wait a minute, wait a minute.
The band comes back.
Floyd The dude's right. Yeah, we can't walk out on Kaye Ballard's number.
Kermit Good.
Floyd We'll walk out after Kaye Ballard's number.
They make their way to the pit.
Kermit Phew. A stay of execution. I must remember to thank the warden.

"Oh Babe What Would You Say"

Main stage. Kermit enters, but trips and quickly gets up.
Kermit Uh … ahem. Uh, right now, gang, it's time to meet a star who knows her way around a song like I know my way around a lily pad, Miss Kaye Ballard. (trips and gets up)
The curtain opens on Kaye and Thog, who dance and sing "Oh Babe What Would You Say".
Waldorf I could watch Kaye Ballard all night.
Statler Mm. I tried it once, but she pulled the shade down. (laughs)
Waldorf Why, you dirty old man. (punches him)


Floyd and the band approach Kermit.
Floyd Okay, green stuff, me and the guys stayed through the Kaye Ballard number, and now, before it's time for that awful theme song, we're leaving.
Kermit But w-wait a minute. Hey. Kaye's got another number.
123 floyd.jpg
Floyd Oh, yeah? Well, maybe we'll stay for that.
Kermit Oh, good. Listen, I'm asking you, just stay through to the end of the show so you can play the theme.
Floyd That does it. We're leaving. (they walk away)
Kermit But w-wait a minute, wait a minute! (they stop and come back) Listen. If you do it, next week we'll have a new theme.
Floyd Oh, yeah? Well, maybe we'll stay, then.
Kermit Good, because your noble conductor, Nigel here, has offered to write a new theme.
Floyd We're leaving. (they turn around and walk)
Kermit B-but why?
Floyd (whispers) He wrote the first one, man.
The band exits; Kermit follows them.
Floyd Hey, but, guys, come on! Please! Listen!
Nigel I always thought it was kind of a hip tune.

Muppet newsflash

Newsman Here's a Muppet news flash. (runs to the desk) Dateline, Boston, Massachusetts. Mrs. Gretchen Powers of that city is trying to enter the Guinness Book of Records by completing the world's longest sentence. She began talking six weeks ago and neighbors say she hasn't stopped since. Our Muppet cameras are in her home now. Uh, Mrs. Powers?
Kaye appears in the monitor.
Kaye … and the dog fell over the nose of the tree went into the spaghetti factory while six million men marched in their foghorns under a double-decker bus, whose onion soup spoke of undermining the welfare of the country …
Newsman Uh, Mrs. Powers, if we could interrupt for a moment.
Kaye (inhales) … but for the grace of the noodle pie go I, said the spokesman for the group, who wore a turtleneck convertible, as the rain fell for the first time since the packet was well over the side of the …
Newsman This sentence you're saying is long, but I'm missing the point of it.
Kaye … that was covered … (inhales) … in what was said not the fault of the blueberry bush, but instead when the investigators arrived at the corset factory …
Newsman (as she continues) Uh, Mrs. Powers' husband Carl said it makes about as much sense as anything she's said. He said this from his home at the Clinging Vine Home for the Crazed.
Kaye … agreed that life could exist in the third row of the balcony, because that is the way it is, you cannot believe what goes on …

At the Dance

Couples dance in a ballroom. We start on Janice and Zoot.
Janice My family has quite a history. You can find a record of them in the 17th century.
Zoot So has my family. You can find a record of them in the 19th precinct.
Onto George and Mildred.
Mildred George, why is it that everything we discuss, you reduce to the level of the gutter?
George the Janitor Heh, I just want to make you feel comfortable. Haaaa!
Onto the loud lady and her partner.
Loud lady (loudly) So I said to him, "What kind of a girl do you think I am?" I told him I never wanted to see him again! Never, never, never! Do you think I did the right thing, Herman?
Herman I'm sorry, I wasn't listening.
Onto Kermit and Piggy.
Miss Piggy (amorous) Oh. Il canto e l'amore, ma il bambino.
Kermit Is that Italian?
Miss Piggy No, it's pig Latin.
She laughs, and some nearby pigs snort.
Miss Piggy Pig Latin! (laughs) Do you get it? (laughs)

UK spot

Paul sings "Life Gets Teejus Don't It" with Rover Joe by his side. The roof collapses as the song ends.
Paul How you doing, pudding head?
Rover licks him.

Talk spot

Kermit Hey, Kaye, I hope you're enjoying yourself.
Kaye Ohh, yes, I'm loving it. Everything is just great, Kermit.
Kermit Oh, good. Well, you know, we are having some trouble here.
Kaye Oh, yeah. (nods)
Kermit Yeah, the band is threatening to quit.
Kaye Oh! (nods knowingly)
Kermit To tell you the truth, Kaye, sometimes I don't think I understand musicians.
Kaye Well, I'll tell you what, Kermit. You know, uh, maybe I can help because I'm a bit of a musician myself.
Kermit Well, you know, Kaye, if you could help smooth things over, I'd really appreciate it.
Kaye Well, I'd like to try. Animal! Come here, I'd like to talk to you a minute.
Animal (growls at Kermit)
Kaye Now listen. Why are you guys so unhappy?
Animal (growls incoherently)
Kaye No kidding?
Animal (growls incoherently, motioning towards Kermit, mumbling the theme song) Blecch!
Kaye Oh, well, I β€” you've got a point. You have a point. I'm willing to say you have a point. Kermit.
Kermit Yeah?
Kaye Animal feels a deep-seated hostility. Am I right so far?
Animal Deep seated!
Kaye … in what he interprets as a demeaning situation. Right?
Animal Demeaning.
Kermit Gee, Kaye, you do understand musicians, don't you?
Kaye Well, I try.
Kermit Mm-hm. Okay.
Kaye I'll try to fix it. Animal?
Animal Yeah?
Kaye I have been giving it serious consideration and I honestly β€” personally, I don't think that β€”
She hums the theme and snaps her fingers. Kermit joins in.
Kaye I think it's good!
Animal screams and bites her on the shoulder.
Kermit Animal!
Kaye Animal! Animal! Animal! Please control yourself. Wait a minute. You've got to understand that I am just visiting here. Now, I β€” I really feel you should discuss this further with Kermit. I want to be out of this.
Kermit Well, I don't think we need to actually discuss it.
Animal DISCUSS!!
He begins wrestling Kermit as Kaye watches and winces.
Kermit winds up stuffed in a ball. Animal walks away.
Animal Froggy.
Kaye Is there anything else I can help you with?
Kermit How are you at notifying next of kin?
Kaye (un-stuffs him) Well, just β€” just tell me the area code. (giggles)

Barber shop

A hairy green creature walks into a barber shop and sits in the chair.
Creature Hi.
Barber Howdy.
Creature I'd like a haircut.
Barber Sure, I can believe that.
Creature Cut it real short. My rock group just broke up and I'm sick of it.
Barber Check. (begins cutting)
Creature Cut it short back, sides, front, top, bottom and middle.
Barber All righty.
Waldorf You know, I have the feeling this is a running gag.
Statler Yes, but it's the audience that should be doing the running.
They chuckle. The hairy creature has gotten smaller. The barber continues working on him.
Creature Boy, you sure are slow.
Barber Yeah. All in due time.
Waldorf By the way, who cuts your hair? The gardener? (laughs)
The green creature has been reduced to a small speck.
Barber Well, there you go, sir. That'll be three dollars.
He sneezes, blowing the speck away.
Barber Oh, rats. I think I've just lost a customer.


George walks by Kermit.
Kermit Okay. Thank you, George. You don't mind cleaning that up, do you? Huh? (George nods) Great. Appreciate it.
Floyd Hey, my friendly froggy little flipper friend.
Kermit Yeah?
Floyd Me and the gang have decided not to end our gig here.
Kermit Oh, good.
Floyd If …
Kermit Huh? If what?
Floyd If I can write the new theme song.
Kermit Oh, well, that'll be fine with me.
Floyd No, it won't, man.
Kermit Uh, why not?
Floyd You'll hate my music. You won't understand it.
Kermit Weh β€” now listen here. I'm pretty hip too, you know.
Floyd Not hip enough. Nobody understands my music. I mean, I don't even understand it.
Kermit You don't?
Floyd If I didn't know I was a genius, I wouldn't listen to the trash I write.
Kermit (frowning) Gee, I can hardly wait to hear it. (walks away)
Floyd I gotta get myself together.


Zelda Rose and Janice walk past a Vendaface machine. A blue Whatnot inspects it as it talks.
Vendaface Hello. I am Vendaface, the world's first fully-automated face-lift machine. Just insert coin in the slot, step up to the machine and within moments your face-lift will be complete.
The blue Whatnot turns its head to the camera, revealing its hideous face.
Whatnot (FO) Oh, yes! I'll do it, I'll do it! Ah!
He inserts a coin into the slot.
Vendaface Now for phase one.
Two robotic hands remove the blue Whatnot's hair, facial features and fangs and places them in a drawer.
Vendaface Now for phase two.
The Whatnot nods excitedly. The hands dig in the drawer and place eyes, a nose and a brown wig on the Whatnot, making it look more feminine. The hands retract into the machine. A green lady Whatnot reacts.
Whatnot (EO) Oh! I love it! I love it!
She puts a coin in the slot.
Vendaface Now for phase one.
The hands come back out and remove her eyes, nose and hair.
Vendaface Now for phase two.
The hands give her the hideous features that the blue Whatnot had before. She screams and runs away.
Vendaface Next. (blinks eyes)


Floyd gathers the band backstage.
Floyd Okay, everybody ready? … Zoot.
Kermit Okay, uh, so you've written a new theme song, huh?
Floyd Right. Right. If you like it, we stay. If you don't, it's "Auld Lang Syne" time.
Kermit Uh, I am sure I will love it. Go.
Floyd It's called "Fugue for Frog."
Kermit See, I already love that part.
Floyd Good, 'cause you'll hate the rest. Hit it!
The band plays a funky, albeit discordant, melody.
Band Mup! Mup! Mup! Pet! Show!
Kermit That was the worst! And besides that, how are you gonna play Kaye Ballard's closing number from back here?
Floyd Like always. Loudly.
Kermit sighs and walks away.
Floyd Frog has no musical taste.

"One Note Samba"

Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit Once again, Miss Kaye Ballard.
The band rush onstage anyway to join Kaye Ballard for "One Note Samba." Kaye and Miss Piggy battle to upstage each other with different instruments throughout the song. Kaye wins with a tuba.


Kermit Well, that's about all the time we have…
Floyd Hey, Kermit.
Kermit Hmm?
Floyd Hey, me and the band want Miss Ballard to sign this petition about the theme song of the show.
Kermit Will you guys get out of here?
Floyd Okay. We're anklin'. Come on.
The band leaves.
Kermit Out, out, out!
Animal Ankling!
Kermit Okay. Well, having settled that, I'd like a warm thank you to our special guest star Miss Kaye Ballard! Yaay!
Kaye Kermit, thank you. I love you. I really do. I love all of you. Wait a minute, I take that back. There's one exception. I'm, uh, I'm not too sure about Miss Piggy because I think she's very hoggy.
Miss Piggy Hoggy? Hoggy this! Hi-YAH!
She karate-chops Kaye. They begin fighting.
Kermit We'll see you all next time on The Muppet Show.
Rowlf, the only band member left, plays the closing theme on piano.
Rowlf Well, you must admit, Nigel, this does sound a little square.
Nigel Play, hound, play.