It's The Muppet Show, with our special guest stars, the Mummenschanz!
The banner rises, and the theme begins.
Chorus girls
It's time to play the music It's time to light the lights It's time to meet the Muppets On The Muppet Show tonight!
Male chorus
It's time to put on makeup It's time to dress up right It's time to raise the curtain On The Muppet Show tonight!
The curtain opens on Fozzie.
Fozzie
Hey! 30 days has September, April, June, and my cousin Fred, who'll be out on Wednesday.
He tosses his hat. The curtain closes.
Kermit
To introduce our guest star, That's what I'm here to do! So it really makes me happy To introduce to you —
the Mummenschanz!
Muppets gather around two of the Mummenschanz members.
Kermit
But now let's get things started
Kermit & gang
On the most sensational, inspirational Celebrational, Muppetational This is what we call The Muppet Show!
BANG! Gonzo shoots the O.
Opening number[]
Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit
Thank you, thank you, and welcome again to The Muppet Show. And a rather unusual one we have planned, because our special guest stars are the unique masked theater group from Switzerland known as the Mummenschanz. But right now, let's get things started with Floyd, Scooter and the gang and "Mr. Bassman."
That was about, uh … (looks at his watch) … a minute and a half.
Backstage[]
Hilda observes as Fozzie talks on the phone, and Miss Piggy sings.
Fozzie
Hello? Is this Dial-A-Joke? … (laughs)
Miss Piggy
Fish got to swim, birds got to fly. I've got to love one frog till I die.
She sees a note on the door of her dressing room.
Miss Piggy
Hmm. What is this? "My dearest Piggy, you must know how much I love you." (gasps, then continues) Uh, uh — "I cannot pretend any longer. I will wait for you in the dressing room, mon cher."
Miss Piggy
(gasps) It has happened! Oh! My Kermit has admitted his love for me at last. And now, he waits within. Oh, come to my arms, my little passion flower!
She goes into the dressing room and shuts the door.
Miss Piggy
I'm here, my love.
WHOOSH! Gonzo throws himself at her.
Gonzo
Kissy kissy?
She screams and falls down. Gonzo sighs.
Mummenschanz[]
Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit
Our special guest, the Mummenschanz, is a group of performers who – Well, they're kind of distant cousins to the Muppets. They use a unique mixture of pantomime and masks that's about as difficult to describe as to pronounce. Ladies and gentlemen, the Mummenschanz.
For their first act, they wear masks with different facial expressions drawn on. As the story progresses, they tear away pieces of the mask or draw on the mask, revealing new expressions.
Waldorf
Fantastic. Incredible. They remind me of puppets.
Statler
Hmm, puppets. I've always hated puppets.
Waldorf
Aw, you're a traitor to your class.
Statler
What class? I never even graduated.
Waldorf gives Statler a smack in the face.
Backstage[]
Gonzo follows Piggy with flowers, singing.
Gonzo
She kissed me. She put her arms around me and she kissed me.
Miss Piggy
It was a case of mistaken identity.
Gonzo
Oh. Hug me, Miss Piggy! Hold me!
Miss Piggy
I will not hug you, you twit turkey.
Gonzo
Oh. Hold my hand, pig of my dreams!
Miss Piggy
Will you beat it, twerp??
Gonzo
Just touch me, o hog of my heart!
Miss Piggy
Here's a touch for you, wimp buzzard.
Gonzo
I'm ready!
Miss Piggy
(karate-chop) Hi-YAH!
She walks off. Gonzo gets up.
Gonzo
(singing) She touched me. She swung her porky pinkies and she touched me. (faints)
"The Blue Danube"[]
"The Blue Danube" is performed by the noisy patrons of a library. Miss Piggy sneezes or coughs her part. Fozzie Bear blows his nose and taps on the table. Hilda rustles the pages of a newspaper. Nigel chews gum, and Zelda Rose, the librarian, conducts the whole thing, as Wayne and Wanda dance.
Mummenschanz[]
Kermit
Uh, the Mummenschanz do some very strange-looking things. Things that look like this.
One of the members assumes the role of a caterpillar.
Kermit
And then there's something that goes like this.
One of the members assumes the role of a fly.
Kermit
And how about this one?
One of the members assumes the role of a green mouth that catches a speck with its tongue and eats it.
At the Dance[]
Couples dance in a ballroom.
Male pig
How long we been going together, anyway?
Female pig
Oh, about ten years.
Male pig
Well, it's time we got married.
Female pig
(gasp) Oh, gee, it's so sudden.
Mildred and George, together again.
Mildred
There is such riff-raff here. Wouldn't you rather be associated with a better class of people?
George the Janitor
Yeah. But you were the only one not dancing. (laughs)
Animal dances with a woman.
Woman
Animal, my watch won't run.
Animal
Ah! Here, I run it for you.
He grabs her by the wrist and runs with her as she yelps. Meanwhile, Rowlf dances with another woman.
Rowlf
Hey, you are one cute tomato, my little dumpling, my little cupcake, my little lamb chop.
Woman 2
Oh, that makes me feel so so ...
Rowlf
Amorous? Let's kiss.
Woman 2
No, hungry. Let's eat.
Switch to two Whatnots.
Blue Whatnot
Hey, you know these jokes they give us each week? You know, they make me so mad, I could blow my top.
Pink Whatnot
Me too.
Blue Whatnot
Ladies first.
Her head explodes, then his. They continue dancing.
Statler blows into Waldorf's ear, inflating his face back to normal.
Waldorf
Thank you.
Statler
's all right.
Talk spot[]
The three Mummenschanz members sit with Kermit at the regular spot.
Kermit
Well, uh, this is the part of the show where I usually spend a few moments talking to the guest stars, but in this case the Mummenschanz don't talk, do you?
They nod.
Kermit
Yeah? Oh, well, um, ahem, in that case, uh, say something. I mean, say anything. It doesn't have to be important. I mean, you can say something silly.
#1 blows bubbles out its mask.
Kermit
Ask for silly, you get silly.
#2 enlarges their eyes (balloons).
Kermit
Uh, does anybody have anything important to say?
#3 raises their hand.
Kermit
Yeah?
#3 unscrews the cap of their mask (a gasoline container), and out comes a ping-pong ball. #3 puts the ping-pong ball into the lid of #2's head. #2 blows noisemakers out their head.
Kermit
And, uh, with that thought we bid goodbye to the talk spot for another week.
Waldorf
Bravo! Bravo!
Statler
What are you bravoing about?
Waldorf
That performance. It was first-rate.
Statler
Yes, it was good. But only one act I've ever seen deserved a bravo.
Waldorf
Oh, really? Who was that?
Statler
Lady Beth Macintosh and her singing parakeets. I'll never forget her closing night at the Palace.
Waldorf
What happened?
Statler
Well, she fell into a box of birdseed just before going on stage, and she was pecked to death by the parakeets!
Waldorf
That's a hard act to follow.
Statler
Yeah. Well, I was there and I cried.
Waldorf
Really? What did you cry?
Statler
"Bravo! Bravo!"
Waldorf nods.
Backstage[]
Kermit stands with Gonzo. They see Piggy approaching.
Kermit
Oh, here she comes. Get down, get down.
Gonzo
Oh. Yeah. (hides)
Kermit
Oh, hi, uh, Piggy, my dear.
Miss Piggy
Did you call me "my dear," Kermie?
Kermit
Indeed I did. I was just wondering if you'd like to go to dinner after the show?
Miss Piggy
What?
Kermit
Yeah. You know, a quiet, candlelit meal with soft music, perhaps some wine. (she swoons) And then go dancing, and walk by the river in the moonlight.
Miss Piggy
Oh, I would love those things, my dear.
He reveals Gonzo.
Kermit
Good. So would Gonzo here, and I hope the two of you have a great evening.
He shoves Gonzo onto Piggy and exits, laughing.
Gonzo
Kissy kissy?
Miss Piggy
I'm gonna cut you in half for this, Frog!
Wayne and Wanda[]
Sam the Eagle
It is my distinct pleasure at this time to present Wayne and Wanda, of whom noted composer and conductor Leonard Bernstein wrote: (reads from a newspaper) "These two are a manifestation of the musical mediocrity that passes for talent in our troubled times." Hm. Nice review.
The curtain opens on Wayne and Wanda in a gazebo setting as music swells up.
Wayne
Say it's only a paper moon, Hanging over a —
The paper moon falls on him. Wanda shrieks.
Vendaface[]
Statler walks by the Vendaface machine.
Vendaface
Hello. I am Vendaface.
Statler
Huh?
Vendaface
Simply insert coin in slot, step up to machine, and I will rearrange your looks.
Statler
All right.
He inserts the coin in the slot.
Vendaface
Phase one.
Two mechanical hands emerge and tilt Statler's head upward.
Statler
This good?
The right hand punches Statler's face, leaving it twisted. The hands retract; Statler walks away.
Backstage[]
Piggy approaches Kermit as he sits at his desk.
Miss Piggy
Oh, Kermit? That was a low and dirty trick, setting up a date with me and Gonzo. Wasn't it?
Kermit
Well — Well, Piggy, I suppose it was, yeah. I'm sorry.
Miss Piggy
Oh, really? Oh! How sweet of you to apologize so abjectly to your lover pig.
She leans on his shoulder. Gonzo leans on her shoulder.
Kermit
Well, that wasn't exactly an abject apology.
Piggy talks back and forth to Kermit and Gonzo.
Miss Piggy
Get away from me, you jive geek! – Kermit, now that you've begged for my forgiveness – DON'T TOUCH ME, CREEP!! – Why don't we just kissy-poo and make up, my darling? — YOU'RE BREATHING ON ME!! — Kissy kissy?
Kermit
Uh … Well, Piggy, while I appreciate this offer of affection, I hope you'll understand when I tell you, as usual, that I do not want you.
Gonzo
Oh, then, can I have her?
She uses both hands to karate-chop them both.
Miss Piggy
Hi-YAH! … That is known as getting two turkeys with one chop. Humph!
She walks off. Kermit and Gonzo get up, dazed and crumpled.
Muppet newsflash[]
Newsman
Here's a Muppet news flash. (runs to the desk) Dateline, Moscow. Sergei Lenofsky, whom the Russians claim is the world's oldest living human, celebrated his 196th birthday yesterday by taking a deep breath. Sergei has 96 children, 150 grandchildren and 228 great-grandchildren … none of whom visit him. Said his youngest son, Leonid: "He smells funny."
Mummenschanz[]
Kermit
Ladies and gentlemen, the Mummenschanz.
The Mummenschanz perform with masks made of clay. As the scene progresses, they add more and more clay, changing their appearance. The one character is jealous of the other's ability to make beautiful sculptures with his face. Soon, this devolves into a battle in which they eventually find themselves stuck to each other.
Goodnights[]
Kermit
Well, that's about all the time we have ...
Miss Piggy
Oh, Kermit, my love, I am so sorry about my little temper tantrum. Old Buzzard Beak was driving me crazy.
WHOOSH! Gonzo throws himself at her again.
Gonzo
You drive me crazy, Miss Piggy.
Miss Piggy
You know something, Nasty Nose? I'm going to send you on a one-way trip to the geek farm!!
Gonzo
Send me!
She punches him, then holds up her fist.
Miss Piggy
Pig power!
She exits.
Kermit
Well, the course of true love never runs smooth. But right now, let's have a warm thank-you to our special guest stars, Andres Bossard, Floriana Frassetto and Bernie Schurch, better known as the Mummenschanz.
Mummenschanz
(in unison) Thank you, Kermit. It's been great.
Kermit
Say, you guys really do work as a team. We'll see you all next time on The Muppet Show!
Floyd, Scooter, George, Hilda and Piggy gather around the Mummenschanz as the credits roll.