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Main stage. Kermit enters.
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Kermit
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OK, right now it's time for something good to happen, and that something is tonight's very funny guest star. Welcome, please, the very relaxed Mr. Don Knotts.
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The curtain opens to Don Knotts in a lab coat in front of many cubes with animals printed on them. He sits on a desk, along with a covered cage.
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Don
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Thank you, boys and girls, and welcome to Beast of the Week, the program that presents the most hideous, repulsive, and disgusting animals in the world, just to amuse you sweet little kiddies. Tonight's creature was just discovered,so it doesn't even have a name yet. Shall we? (chuckles)
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Don removes the cover off the cage to reveal Mean Mama's Baby. It growls softly and makes gibberish noises.
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Don
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Oh, cute little fella, isn't it? Uh, this is the first one ever born in captivity, and it's also the first time we've had it away from its mother. I don't know quite what to expect myself, so maybe we'll just learn together, huh?
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The creature takes a deep breath and squeezes through the bars of its cage.
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Don
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Well, one thing we've just learned: it can get out of a cage, which I was told was absolutely escape-proof.
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Don throws the cage off screen. Mean Mama's Baby skitters away from him, hiding behind a globe.
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Don
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Uh, I better get him... Oh, look at that. He's found something shaped like himself. I believe he thinks they're related. lsn't that cute, boys and girls? He's trying to make friends.
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The creature growls angrily and knocks the globe off the table.
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Don
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Not, uh... Not trying to make friends. He's... I'll just, uh, get the globe.
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As Don bends over to pick up the globe, the creature leaps off the table on to him, and proceeds to bounce all over the floor.
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Don
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I could use some help here!
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The creature crawls up his leg and throughout his coat, growling and making angry gibberish noises. Don fidgets and fights it. It continues attacking him, then suddenly stops.
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Don
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Where'd it go? Where'd...?
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The creature crawls up his shoulder and makes a taunting noise.
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Don
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This is where my years of training as a zookeeper pay off. You notice I don't make any sudden moves... He's getting less frightened of me. I guess it likes me.
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The creature begins licking him.
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Don
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(laughing) Stop it! That tickles. ...It's blowing in my ear. (chuckles)
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The creature begins to bite him. He grabs it. It struggles to escape as he talks.
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Gotcha. Well, boys and girls, uh, that about wraps up tonight's Beast of the Week. We've got to get this little fella back to its mother before she wakes up. You see, the mother is very possessive of its offspring, and if she should discover it's missing, she could get very upset.
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Mean Mama
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(growls from off screen)
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Don
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What's that?
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Mean Mama's Baby
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Mama...
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Don
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Mother? How could that be? She's in the cage! It's escape-proof!
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Mean Mama pops up from behind the table, destroys the set, and leaves with her baby. Don is flabbergasted.
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Statler
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Well, that Don Knotts is one great performer.
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Waldorf
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He certainly is. When is he gonna be on?
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Statler
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He was just on!
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Waldorf
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Oh. Did I like him?
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Statler
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Yeah, you laughed like crazy.
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Waldorf
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Oh, good.
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Statler
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He's got a great sense of humor, but a terrible memory.
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