Gonzo's trumpet goes off like a firecracker with a high-pitched squeaking.
Opening number[]
Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit
Thank you, thank you. Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to The Muppet Show. Tonight's special guest star has many, many talents. Let's see... He acts, he sings, he dances, he does comedy, and they all add up to a great big zero for Zero Mostel. But first, in an attempt to placate the culture lovers of our audience...
Sam
(in the wings) Oh, at last, at last!
Kermit
...and in the wings, uh, we open tonight's show with a little classical music. Here is Chopin's Polonaise in A-Flat.
Fozzie peeks through the curtain.
Fozzie
(whispering) Psst! Psst! Kermit, Kermit, the concert pianist could not make it.
Kermit
Yeah, but, I just introduced the Polonaise.
Fozzie
It's okay. Here. Here, I got a whole new intro written. (hands Kermit a paper) Read that. Good luck, kid.
Kermit
Let's see, uh... Oh. OK, ladies and gentlemen, Chopin's Polonaise in A-Flat, as performed by... Dr. Teeth?
OK, now it's time for our special guest to do something special. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Zero Mostel.
Zero Mostel, dressed as King Henry the VIII, sings "What Do the Simple Folk Do?" with his Queen and Muppy. When the Queen suggests that "simple folk" sing to escape their blues, Zero bursts out singing Pagliacci.
Statler and Waldorf are watching their television.
Waldorf
Yeah, what's the name of this movie?
Statler
Beach Blanket Frankenstein.
Waldorf
Hmm. Awful.
Statler
Terrible film.
Waldorf
Yeah, well, we could watch The Muppet Show instead.
They peek over the balcony to look at the stage, then shake their heads and return to their television.
Statler
Wonderful.
Waldorf
Terrific film.
Backstage[]
Kermit is holding the phone at his desk.
Kermit
Aw, where am I gonna find a couple of lady wrestlers at this late date? (on the phone) Hello, Killer Katie, Terror of Toledo? How'd you like to work on The Muppet Show tonight? ... I see. Transcendental meditation. That's too bad.
Animal enters. Someone is heard knocking on the door.
Kermit
Hey, Animal, would you get the door?
Animal
Wha?
Kermit
I say, would you get the door? Get the door!
Animal
Ah, get the door! (growls)
Kermit
Maybe I could try Mother the Mauler...
A cracking is heard. Animal has ripped the door off its hinges and brings it to Kermit.
How was your tennis game today? Have a rough match?
Her partner turns his head around to reveal a tennis ball lodged in his mouth.
Female Whatnot
I see you did.
Female Whatnot (RH)
Do you play tennis?
Male Whatnot (RH)
Of course.
Female Whatnot (RH)
How's your backhand?
Male Whatnot (RH)
Uh, fair.
Female Whatnot (RH)
How's your forehand?
Male Whatnot (RH)
Oh, they're terrific.
He lifts up two extra arms.
Svengali's Assistant (FO)
You say you watched six tennis matches today? How do you feel?
Her partner turns his head around to reveal his pupils pointing in opposite directions.
Male Whatnot (FO)
Uh, fine. Just fine.
Two tennis balls are dancing together.
Tennis ball #1 (JH)
What'd you do today?
Tennis ball #2 (JH)
Just spent the day in court.
Female Whatnot (DG)
My tennis instructor says I've been using too small a racket.
Male Whatnot (DG)
Oh, why not get a big racket?
Crazy Harry
You say you want a big racket?
Female Whatnot (DG)
Yeah.
Crazy Harry sets off an explosion and cackles.
UK Spot[]
Kermit is at the desk in the prop room. Sam enters.
Sam
Excuse me, Kermit, may I speak with you?
Kermit
Sure, Sam. What you want?
Sam
I think you know why I am here.
Kermit
Well, actually, Sam, to tell you the truth, I've never known why you're here.
Sam
I feel my job is to make sure this program is morally upright and cultural and wholesome.
Beautiful Day Monster approaches them from behind.
Beautiful Day Monster
You got your work cut out for you, bird. (leaves)
Sam
Now THAT was unwholesome! THAT was not cultural!
Kermit
Uh... uh, fine, fine. But what can I do for you, Sam?
Sam
I want to know who is going to be on tonight's show.
Kermit
Oh, well, let's see, tonight's show is very classy, it's very highbrow, you'll like this show.
Sam
Ah, good. Yes, yes. Tell me more.
Sam paces and "mm-hmm"s his approval as Kermit talks.
Kermit
Let's see. We got... Fozzie is doing a pantomime with Zero Mostel. Got a musical number...
Sam
Musical number? Good, good.
Kermit
...with Zoot and Rowlf. And then of course we've got... Uh, we got the lady, uh... (mutters) ...the lady wrestlers.
Sam stops pacing and stands at Kermit's shoulder.
Sam
The what?
Kermit
Uh... Oh, nothing, Sam. It's just... We got, uh, some lady, uh... (mutters) lady wrestlers. Stand by for the pantomime number!
Sam
Lady what?
Kermit
Lady wrest...
Sam
(whispers) Wrest, what?
Kermit
...lers.
Sam
Lady wrestlers?! Lady wrestlers!
Sam rages around the prop room.
Kermit
Sam, Sam, you don't understand--
Sam
Have we no shame?! (groans)
Kermit
I...
Sam
Kermit, something, something must be done here.
Kermit
Yeah, but...
Sam
Someone must work for integrity and decency. Someone, someone must do this. I shall continue to speak out, knowing someday I will get my just desserts.
Kermit
Uh, Sam, you will someday get your just desserts.
Beautiful Day reenters holding a pie, which he hits Sam in the face with.
Zoot and Rowlf the Dog play "Smoke Gets In Your Eyes." Slowly, smoke begins to billow out of Zoot's saxophone until, by the end of the song, the room is filled with smoke.
A library set. Zero Mostel is sitting engrossed in a book, which he shuts on his nose and then pries off. He beckons to the camera and begins his poem.
Zero
Late, late at night
The world sleeps... (snores)
And I am here alone
And here I come some nights
To confront my fears
Muppet monsters creep up behind him, growling.
Zero
They're here, my fears
They are always with me
Lurking, scurrying, hiding and waiting
They come!
And they go
The monsters all dart away.
Zero
But though they are gone they are never far
And here, alone at night...
...I can confront them
He throws open some drawers on a desk and monsters spill out of them.
Zero
There they are, confronted fears
Fears of hunger, fears of pain... Ow!
Shakey Sanchez runs by him.
Zero
Fears of missing the last train
Fear of dentists always drilling
Fear that no one will be willing
To see me as I know I really am.
Once they are counted and compelled
They can quickly be dispelled (squeaks)
The desk monsters vanish.
Zero
Like figments of my own imagination.
But always... There are other fears.
More monsters surround him and lurk out of book shelves.
Zero
Fears of snakes, fears of cats
Fears of maître d's and rats
An irrational black terror that someday I may get fat
Fear of elevators falling
And the taxman someday calling
And the accidental walling of myself
Green and Purple Heap crawl up onto his shoulders.
Zero
Up inside a clammy, dank old dingy cellar
Where the spiders weave around my tummy
And the worms and bugs and crawly things
Squirm and squiggle at my person
(cackling) Oh, I love it!
Once they are counted and compelled
They can quickly be dispelled (squeaks)
The monsters vanish.
Zero
But then...
There are other fears
Fears of bullets, there's a dread
Fear of baldness on the head
Fear of waking up one morning
To discover that you are dead
More monsters surround him.
Zero
Once they are counted and compelled
They can quickly be dispelled (squeaks)
The monsters vanish.
Zero
Like figments of my own imagination.
Then there is the last fear
Just about the time I'm past fear
The one that really is final
It will come yours... and mine'll
Timmy Monster walks in behind him.
Zero
In the darkest of the night
It will come without a fight
It will count me and compel me
It will casually dispel me
Zero vanishes, leaving just Timmy Monster, who looks around curiously.
Zero's voice
For I am just a figment
Of its own imagination
Timmy shrugs.
Backstage[]
Kermit
Oh, look at that. The show's almost over and I still haven't found another lady wrestler. Oh, where in the world am I gonna find another heavyweight, aggressive, tough female with a killer's instinct?
Miss Piggy enters.
Piggy
Hello, Kermit.
Kermit
Oh... Oh, hi, Miss Piggy!
Piggy
And, pray tell, what is my wonderfulness doing?
Kermit
Oh, you see, I was just thinking that you'd be perfect for a special spot in tonight's show.
Piggy
You have created a spot just for moi? (gasps) Oh, tell me about it, my little green ball of passion.
Kermit
Uh...
Piggy
Yes, yes, yes.
Kermit
Yeah. Well, you see, this is a spot that requires an actress with tremendous strength...
Piggy
Yes!
Kermit
...versatility, uh...
Piggy
Yes!
Kermit
...and someone who's all female.
Piggy
Oh. Oh, what is it? Joan of Arc?
Kermit
Uh, no.
Piggy
Naughty Marietta?
Kermit
Well, uh, no.
Piggy
Oh, Lady Macbeth!
Kermit
Well, uh, it's more like a lady wrestler.
(Piggy does a slow burn.)
Piggy
Lady... wrestler? (She huffs loudly while Kermit speaks.)
Kermit
Well, yeah. It's a sort of thing where you, uh... You have to have the ability to... I mean, wrestlers are...
Piggy
(screaming) Lady wrestler?!
Piggy chases Kermit offscreen and back again, both screaming. Zoot and Floyd enter.
Zoot
What do you make of that, man?
Floyd
Ten to one on the pig.
Kermit and Piggy run past again, still screaming.
Zoot
Right.
Kermit tries to hide between Floyd and Zoot, then keeps running.
Piggy
Lady wrestler?!
Drum Solo[]
Animal plays a solo, but his drum catches on fire before he can finish.
Lady Wrestling[]
Scooter enters the stage.
Scooter
Tonight we're gonna present you with a cultural demonstration of female grace and dexterity. So here they are, direct from the Bali Hai Bowl-A-Drome, Granny the Gouger and the Mysterious Miss Mask! One fall, no holds barred.
The curtain opens. Granny the Gouger and Kermit wearing a wig, mask, and cape are warming up in a wrestling ring.
Granny
Hope your insurance is paid, frog.
The bell rings and the two prepare to fight. Granny takes Kermit to the ground easily.
Granny
C'mon... Hiyah!
Granny ties up Kermit's limbs. Booing and whistling come from the crowd, applause from Zelda Rose and Svengali's assistant. Granny picks up Kermit and throws him out of the ring.
Granny
Alley-oop!
Kermit lands in Statler and Waldorf's box.
Statler
I think you'd better give up, frog.
Kermit
What, and leave show business?
Piggy enters the ring.
Granny
(chuckling)
Piggy
(gasps) What did you do to my frog?!
Granny
Hmm?
Piggy
I'll show you! Hiyah!
Piggy karate-chops Granny the Gouger, who falls over backwards. The audience cheers and applauds.
Goodnights[]
Kermit stands in front of the curtain, his arm in a sling and covered in bandages.
Kermit
Well, that's about it for another Muppet Show. Some of us have taken great pains to bring you this show. Uh, but right now I'd like to thank our special guest star, who has joined the ranks of the Muppet monsters, Mr. Zero Mostel! Come on out!
Zero comes onstage flanked by Mean Mama and Blue Frackle, making monster noises with them. Sam enters from the other side of the stage.
Sam
Now you stop that, Mr. Mostel.
Kermit
Uh, well, that's about it. We'll see you all next time on The Muppet Show.
Zero
Must there be a next time?
Zero bites Sam on the beak. The credits roll and the theme song plays.
Statler
Well, what do you think of television?
Waldorf gets electrocuted by the television.
Statler
Shocking, isn't it?
Waldorf grabs Statler and gets shocked as well, groaning in pain.