Cold open
Heather gets off the elevator and explores the lobby. | |
Heather | Hello? ... Anybody here? ... Guys? Kermit? Clifford? |
All the Muppets are hiding in the closet, shivering in fear. | |
Clifford | Aw, man, it's Heather Locklear! That's her voice! That's her! |
She appears through the keyhole. | |
Heather | Hello? |
Johnny | (Italian prayer) |
Sal | What do you think she's gonna do to us, Johnny? |
Rizzo | I'll tell you what she's gonna do. She's gonna blackmail all of us. |
Muppets | (gasp) |
Gonzo | And she'll start love triangles! |
Muppets | (gasp) |
Bobo | Worse, she'll frame us for murder and we'll all go to the electric chair! |
Muppets | (scream) –– Shhh! |
Heather overhears them in the closet. | |
Clifford | Be quiet! |
Sal | See if you can see her through the keyhole! |
Gonzo | Who, me? |
Rizzo | Yeah, yeah ... |
Gonzo looks through the keyhole, then jumps back and screams. Heather opens the door, and the Muppets run away. | |
Heather | Hey, hey –– where're you going? You guys, where're you going? |
She stops Clifford in his tracks. | |
Clifford | Heather Locklear! Ha ha! Welcome to our studio! Later. |
He walks away; she stops him again. | |
Heather | Clifford –– what's going on here? |
Clifford | Uh, well, uh, some of the other guys are a little, uh, scared of you because, uh, well, uh ... |
Heather | Because of all the bad things I do on Melrose Place? |
The Muppets gather around her. | |
Muppets | Yeah! |
Heather | Guys, that is just a show. In real life, I am a perfectly normal, nice, decent person. |
Muppets | Really? |
Heather | Yes. I couldn't hurt a flea. |
Flea (DG) | Really? |
Heather | Yes. |
Flea (DG) | Really? |
Heather | Yes. |
Flea (DG) | Really really really really really really really really really? Really really really really really really –– |
She punches the flea. They all glare at her. | |
Heather | Well, that doesn't count. He was starting to annoy me. |
Clifford | I can see that. |
They all laugh nervously. Music button. |
Theme
Kermit opens the doors to the Muppet Theater. | |
Kermit | It's Muppets Tonight, with our very special guest star, Heather Locklear! |
He covers his eyes and is immediately trampled by theater patrons. Clifford sings the theme song while wandering through the dressing room to the control room to the stage, as Jowls whistles. Clifford reaches the stage, goes to a wall and throws a switch which lights up the show's title. |
Opening number
Main stage. The house band plays as Clifford comes out to applause. | |
A. Ligator | And now, here's the host of our show, C'lifford! |
Clifford | Hey, what's up, what's up? Hey, nice to see ya. (laughs) Yeah. Welcome to Muppets Tonight, the show that has people all over the country saying ... |
Switch to the nursing home. Waldorf speaks to two movers. | |
Waldorf | Get that thing out of here now! |
The movers move the TV out of the room. Statler and Waldorf rejoice. Switch back to the main stage. | |
Clifford | Any hue, our special guest star tonight is Heather Locklear! (applause) Yeah, give it up! But to start things off, let's take a trip to everybody's favorite hangout, where the java's hot as lava and the mocha is no joke-a. The local coffee emporium! |
Switch to the coffee shop. Customers quiver at their tables. | |
Frog (DG) | I'll have a double latte, please. |
Flash | Make mine a macchiato, a double on the double! |
Lady (FO) | Two cappuccinos, please. |
Lady (LCR) | I need a café carbano! |
Steve | Say, uh, fella, what is it with everybody? Why do they bring so much darn coffee? |
Slim | Hey Theresa, like, this cat wants to know why we drink so much coffee. |
Animal | COFFEE! COFFEE! COFFEE! |
Animal runs past Theresa, who sings "The Coffee Song", soon joined by Steve and the others. Steve takes a sip and becomes wired, as some birds provide a horn solo. | |
Steve | We're all drinking way too much caffeine! |
Animal | COFFEE! COFFEE! COFFEE! AAHHHH! |
Theresa continues the song, joined by some dancing bananas, an ape on bongos, Dr. Bunsen on maracas, and Beaker as Carmen Miranda. They all finish the song, after which Steve's head blows off. | |
Slim | Should've ordered a decaf. |
They all disperse. Applause. |
Backstage
Nigel greets the dancers as they pass. | |
Nigel | Good, good, good, good. Yeah, nice work, dancers. Very good, very good. Nice work. |
Steve's head lands on the floor. Eugene picks it up, shocking Nigel. | |
Nigel | Uh ... nice work, Steve. |
Steve | Oh, uh, thanks, Nigel. |
Steve's body comes in, wandering aimlessly. | |
Steve | Oh! Oh, there's my body. Uh, over here, fella. Oh, look at him. Poor guy doesn't have a clue. (laughs) To your left –– no, to your right. Uh, headless body walking around, can I get a little help? |
Nigel | Can somebody please help Steve get his body? (to stagehand) Outta my way! Cue Clifford and bring the right cue! |
The Hardy Pig Boys
Applause. | |
Clifford | (laughs) You know, when Heather Locklear agreed to do our show, she wanted to do something intelligent and sophisticated. And this is what we came up with. |
Open on a lunar set with a rocket and jungle foliage. Andy and Randy back into each other and scream in horror. | |
A. Ligator | Muppets Tonight presents, The Hardy Pig Boys in "The Mystery of the Zombie Queen of the Amazon Outer Space Jungle Bee Woman Case". Based on the novel by Jane Austen. Aw, who wrote this? |
Andy & Randy | We did! |
Randy | Here we are, Andy and Randy Hardy pig boys ... |
Andy | Us! |
Randy | ... Junior space boy pig detectives, marooned on a strange planet. |
Andy | Yes, because we are here to solve a mystery ... |
Randy | Mystery ... |
A space bee emerges. | |
Space Bee | Halt. Who are you? |
Andy & Randy | –– This mystery's too hard! |
Space Bee | Silence. Prepare to meet the sophisticated and intelligent ruler of this planet, Queen Hawaya. |
Randy | How are ya? |
Space Bee | Oh, not bad, how are you? |
Andy & Randy | ... We don't get it. |
Meanwhile, behind the camera, Clifford and Heather stand by; Heather wears a bee costume. | |
Clifford | (laughs) |
Heather | Clifford –– Clifford, you can't make me go out there. |
Clifford | Oh, please, Heather. These pigs wrote this for you! Look at those little pork rinds. They're knocking themselves out. |
Heather | So you say they studied with Lee Strauspork? |
Clifford | Eight long years. |
Heather | ... Alright. I'll do it. But I'm keeping the costume. (disrobes and goes onstage) |
Clifford | Fine with me. |
Space Bee | Make way for the queen! |
Heather | So, Hardy Pig Boys, what foolish quest brings you before Queen Howaya? |
Andy | How are ya? |
Randy | Not bad. How are you? |
Andy | (laughs) |
Randy | We still don't get it. |
Heather | But I thought you wrote it. |
Randy | Well, yeah, but we basted it on one of those Jane Austen things. |
Andy | Yeah, you - you know, those things that have the hard cardboard on the outside and the soft flat stuff on the inside? |
Heather | You mean a book? |
Randy | No, a pizza. |
Heather | Your script is based on a Jane Austen pizza? |
Andy & Randy | (gasp) It is? |
Andy | Wow! |
Randy | Ooh! |
Heather | Clifford! |
Andy & Randy | Yo, yo, yo, yo ... |
Clifford | Oh, man. Yo, yo, Zippity! |
Zippity Zap | Yeah. |
Clifford | Listen, if Heather Locklear's looking for me, uh, tell her I'm at a, uh Neil Diamond concert! (exits) |
Zippity Zap | Oh, that's cold! (laughs) |
Heather thumbs through the script. | |
Heather | No ... no ... |
Randy | No. |
Heather | What were you thinking when you wrote this? |
Andy & Randy | Nothing. |
Heather | Well, here's five pages with nothing but doodles. |
Andy & Randy | Doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle ... |
Heather | Oh! Well, this is funny. Let's start right here. |
Andy & Randy | Okay, okay ... |
She ditches the script and leads them in a march. | |
Heather | Alright, Hardy Pig Boys, prepare to meet your fate. (faces them) I will sacrifice you to the most horrible and terrifying monster of them all: Frogzilla! |
The pigs cower as Kermit enters, stomping and roaring. | |
Kermit | Gee, this is fun. (spits) I never get to play the bad guy. |
He roars, then starts to eat a tree, but collapses. |
Backstage
Nigel | Okay, and uh, cue Ice Station Zebra in THREE TWO ONE CUE!! |
Switcher (BB) | Running. Cue. |
Eugene rapidly presses buttons. Switch to a zebra at the ice station, shivering, his stripes falling off. | |
Zebra | I'm ff-freezing my stripes off out here! |
Two penguins slide off an iceberg. Switch back to backstage, where Beaker wheels a tray of food as Bunsen walks beside him. | |
Bunsen | Oh, Beakie. Our new mood meals experiment could be a breakthrough in culinary science. |
Beaker | (meeps) |
Bunsen | A single bite of this biscotti here releases a spate of endorphins into the cranial cavity. Translation: it makes you incredibly nice. (hugs himself) |
Beaker | (gasps) |
Bunsen | But, one chomp on the dreaded chimichanga has the diametrically opposite effect. |
Beaker | (meeps) |
Bunsen | It makes you incredibly evil. |
Beaker | (gasps, shrinks head into coat) |
Bunsen | Now Beakie, now I've got to go to the little scientist's room. I want you to take these back to the lab for more testing. And don't forget, biscotti, good. Chimichanga, bad. |
Bunsen exits. Beaker runs into Heather. | |
Heather | Beaker! Where're you going with those snacks? (Beaker tries to ward her off) Let me see! Don't hog them all to yourself! Those look good. Should I have biscotti or chimichanga? |
Beaker | (meeps) |
Heather | All right, you convinced me, the chimichanga. |
She takes a bite. Beaker cowers. | |
Heather | Oh, this is tasty. You know, you Muppets are the –– |
Twinge! Heather glances at Beaker, suddenly turning evil. | |
Heather | What're you looking at, you little swizzle-stick carrot top? |
Beaker | (meeps) |
Heather | (throws chimichanga down) Oh, you, you, you, it's always about you. Here's something for you. (gives him a big kiss, he gasps) How dare you! (punches him) |
Meanwhile, Clifford talks to Zippity and Chip. | |
Clifford | You guys were really wrong about Heather Locklear. |
Beaker sails across the room and out the stage door. | |
Clifford | (aside) Hey Beaker, how you doing? (continues) She is one of the sweetest –– (does a take) What the––?! |
Heather | Fasten your seat belts, furballs! It's going to be a bumpy night. |
She laughs as the studio thunders with lightning flashes. | |
Heather | Oh, shoot, I left my car windows open. That makes me REALLY MAD! |
The Muppets all run out of the booth as it thunders and flashes again. Meanwhile, Bunsen records an audio diary, not noticing the chaos behind him. | |
Bunsen | So far, my new mood meals is a smashing success. Oh, gosh, I love science. It's so controlled and precise. |
He finds Beaker, stuffed into a TV camera tube. | |
Bunsen | Beaker, stop playing around. (walks away) |
Nigel runs out of the booth, his assistants carrying the switchboard. | |
Nigel | Run for your life! Run for your lives! Get out of the way, get out of the way! Quick, quick, cue something! Cue cue cue! Go, go! |
Music button. |
Fairyland P.D.
Clifford and Bobo enter the crime scene. | |
A. Ligator | And now another episode from the files of Fairyland P.D. Tonight: The Emperor's Lewd Clothes. |
Clifford | Yo, Bobo. |
Bobo | Yeah? |
Clifford | I didn't know you wore glasses. |
Bobo | Oh, I don't. It's a disguise. |
Clifford | Oh, yeah. Like, like, no one is going to recognize you if you're wearing a pair of glasses. (chuckles) |
Bobo | Hey, it works for Clark Kent. |
Clifford | What do you mean? |
Bobo | Well –– well, Clark Kent is Superman. |
Clifford | (sarcastic) Oh, yeah. Clark Kent and Superman are the same. Wait –– (ponders) You know something? You're right! Hey, that's why you never see them in the same place! Hey. (laughs) |
Bobo | (taunting) I told you, I told you. |
The nude emperor approaches them. | |
Emperor | Good day, gentlemen. Well, what do you think of my new wardrobe? |
Bobo | Hold it right there, body beautiful. Where do you think you're going? |
Clifford | Yeah. |
Emperor | What do you mean? |
Clifford | You can't traipse around in your birthday suit! It's indecent exposure! |
Emperor | But I'm completely clothed. Can't you see my cape and my pantaloons and my –– ooh, cute little doublet, and –– |
Clifford | Well, that's the problem. We can see your cute little doublet. |
Bobo | Yeah, it ain't too little and it ain't too cute. |
Emperor | But you don't understand. I'm the emperor, and these are my new clothes. |
Bobo | Yeah, yeah. And I'm Gladys Knight and he's one of my Pips. |
Clifford | Yeah. Okay, we're takin' you in. |
Bobo | Let's go, buddy. |
Chief | Hey, boys, what do we have here? |
Clifford | Yeah, chief, we caught another one. |
Chief | Whoa. Your Majesty. (bows) Oh, so good to see you. And –– and isn't that a cute little uh, doublet you're wearing today. |
Emperor | Heh heh. Well, I'm off. I left my tutu in the dryer, and I mustn't let it shrink. (exits) |
Chief | Yes! (bows) |
Clifford | But –– but Chief ... |
Chief | Oh, I know. I know. He's naked as a jaybird, but hey, he's the emperor. He signs the checks. What are you going to do? Hey uh, look, Clifford, if you see Bobo, I–– |
Bobo | Oh –– Chief –– |
Clifford | Chief. |
Bobo | (removes glasses) Yeah. Yeah, it's me. |
Chief | Whoa! Bobo! What an amazing disguise! |
Bobo | Yeah, thanks. |
Chief | Here, let me try that. (puts on glasses) |
Bobo | (to Clifford) I told you, I told you. |
Clifford | Alright, Bobo. |
Chief | There, what do you think? |
Clifford | ... Hey, who are you? |
Chief | Huh? |
Bobo | What'd you do with the Chief? |
Chief | What? |
Clifford | OK, buddy, you're under arrest for kidnapping! Come on. (they nab him) |
Chief | No, no, it's me, I tell ya! I'm the Chief! |
Bobo | Yeah, yeah, and I'm Clark Kent. |
Clifford | Let's go. |
Chief | Lemme go! (yelps) |
Music button. |
Backstage
Rizzo | Yo, Clifford. |
Clifford | Not now, Rizz. Listen, I think I found out how to use the evil Heather to our advantage. |
Rizzo | Uh, yeah, well, that's what we'd like to talk to you about, right, guys? |
Clifford | Yeah, I can put her in the Muppet Heights sketch where she can be meaner than she ever is on Melrose Place. |
Bunsen | Oh, I don't think that's going to happen, Clifford. |
Clifford | Well, what are you trying to tell me, Dr. Dew? |
Bunsen | Well, I administered the biscotti antidote, which made her as nice as a wedding in the Bahamas on a fine spring day. |
Clifford | (does a take) –– Come here, you little casaba head! (chases him) |
Nigel | Alright, alright. Cue Muppet Heights. |
Janitor (LCR) | What? |
Nigel | (shoos her) Out of the way! |
Muppet Heights
Opening sequence with theme music. Johnny poses, Sal sits in a beach chair, and Bill blows bubbles. | |
A. Ligator | 21 Muppet Heights. Starring Johnny Fiamma as Clarke Bar ... Sal as Chaz ... and Bill the Bubble Guy as Councilman William B. Guy. |
Metropolitan headquarters, evening. Sal jogs in place. The doorbell rings. | |
Sal | Ah, the doorbell. I wonder who that could be. (answers the door) Aha! |
Johnny | (enters) Oh, well, well, well. Chaz. And what are you doing here? Where is Diamanda? Where is she? |
Sal | She's in the bedroom and she won't come out, Johnny. |
Johnny | (nods) Mm. (walks up to Sal) It's not Johnny, it's Clarke, Chaz. |
Sal | Oh, okay, Clarke Chaz. |
Johnny | No, no, no, you're Chaz, I'm Clarke. Clarke Bar. |
Sal | Clarke Bar? MM, like the candy? |
Johnny | What are you talking about? It's my name. All right, forget about it. Just do your lines, Sal. |
Sal | OK, Johnny –– I mean Clarke. Chaz. –– I mean Clark. |
Johnny | Alright. Where was I? Where was I? Oh, yes, yes, yes. Ha ha. Oh, I can't believe this. Me, the most powerful lawyer in 21 Muppet Heights. And you, a successful male super model ... (raises eyebrow) ... here we are, both being taken advantage of by Diamanda. (walks to bedroom door) Come out, come out, Diamanda, and let the world see the evil side of womanhood. |
Heather emerges in kiddie pajamas and pigtails. | |
Heather | Hey, guys, look. I made mittens for everyone. |
Johnny | Mittens? What are you talking about? That ain't in the script. |
Heather | I know, but your hands look so cold. |
Sal | Excuse me, Diamanda, but I must demand that you return those incriminating photos that you took of me naked! |
Heather | Well, I have a better idea. Why don't we have a slumber party and make s'mores? |
Sal | (confused) ... OK. |
Johnny | Oh. Terrific, encourage her. |
Bill | (enters) Aha, I caught you two. And with a monkey, no less. |
Johnny | Who is this? |
Bill | I am Councilman William B. Guy. Bubbles come out of my head. |
Heather | Oh, that's precious. Can I see? |
Bill | Oh, OK. I'll blow you a deuce. (blows bubbles) Oh, goodness, what do you call 12 dozen? |
They all look at the bubbles. | |
Heather | Oh! I love bubbles! If you look real closely, you can see a tiny little rainbow in each one. |
Bill | You noticed. |
Sal | She's right, Johnny. |
Johnny | All right. All right. You know what? You know what? This whole, this whole show has gone to the back house. (exits) |
Heather | I have an idea. Why don't we brush each other's hair, and then we can play Twister! |
Backstage, Clifford watches the show on the monitor. | |
Bill | I'm in. |
Sal | OK, me too. |
Clifford | Oh, man. Look at Heather. She's getting all sweet and mushy on us. |
Rizzo | Hey, don't worry about it, Chief. I'll get Bunsen and Beaker to straighten this thing out. They can't possibly screw up twice in the same show. |
Nigel | OK, cue Tales from the Vet. |
Switcher (BB) | Cue Vet. |
Nigel | Cue cue cue CUE CUE CUE! (wrestles with Eugene) Get out of the way! |
Tales from the Vet
Open on Phil in the lab. | |
Dr. Phil van Neuter | Welcome to another blood-curdling episode of, TALES FROM THE VET! |
He laughs as lightning strikes. | |
Dr. Phil van Neuter | Yes. I'm doc–– (looks around) Excuse me one moment. Mulch, Mulch, Mulch! |
Mulch appears, mumbling. | |
Dr. Phil van Neuter | Mulch! Mulch, this music cue is going on forever. |
Mulch | (roars) |
Dr. Phil van Neuter | Good? Good? What's good about it? You're back there with your 8-track playing the entire Golberg variation while I'm out here rolling my eyeballs! Like that's going to scare anybody. |
Mulch | (roars, exits) |
Dr. Phil van Neuter | Go on and take me to the union, you creep. See what I care. Anyway ... (the music stops with a record needle drag) ... Anyway, where was I? Oh, yes. I'm Dr. Phil Van Neuter, your ... friendly veterinarian. (giggles) Come with me now, as I open the files to the strangest animal stories ever told. (opens the cabinet and takes out a file) Yes, yes. Yes, it is. Oh, yes, yes. Excellent choice. Tonight's case is the chilling saga of a little piggy with an unusual appetite. His name: Percy! His passion: PORK! Don't that scare you just to even hear it? YES! ALWAYS! For this is the tale of Percy, the HAM-EATING PIG! |
Transition to a kitchen table, where Percy the pig sits eating a ham sandwich. | |
Percy | Hmm. Boy, this is good. Best sandwich I ever ate. Hmm. Hey, you know what this would go great with? Eggs. This stuff, and eggs. Hmm. Hey, I wonder where Uncle Oscar is? (shrugs, continues eating) |
Transition back to the lab. | |
Dr. Phil van Neuter | Needless to say, Percy loved having his family for dinner! Ha! (tosses file away) Anyway, that's it for another chilling installment of Tales from the Vet. So until next week –– Mulch, Mulch! Music! |
The Patty Duke theme comes on. | |
Dr. Phil van Neuter | The theme from The Patty Duke Show?? Mulch, what does this have to do with anything we're doing here? |
Mulch | (roars, dances) |
Dr. Phil van Neuter | Oh, good grief. That's the last time I hire somebody from my wife's side of the family. |
Mulch tries to dance with Phil. | |
Dr. Phil van Neuter | No, I'm not going to dance. No, I'm certainly –– oh, all right, I'll dance. |
They dance. | |
Dr. Phil van Neuter | Okay, alright, are you happy? Mulch? Mulch, you're actually pretty good at this... |
Backstage
Heather sits on a couch. Bunsen unwraps a gift from Heather. | |
Bunsen | Oh, looky, Beaker! It's a throw pillow featuring the periodic table of the elements! |
Heather | I made it for you. |
Bunsen | Oh, how sweet. But we must get to the problem at hand. We are going to use hypnosis to integrate the good and evil sides of your personality. |
Heather | Cool. |
Bunsen | OK. |
Beaker turns on a motorized circular spiral. | |
Bunsen | Now, look deep. Relax. When you hear this sound ... |
Beaker strikes a bell. | |
Bunsen | ... I will be speaking to the mean and nasty Heather. Beaker? |
He strikes it again. She perks up and starts strangling Bunsen. | |
Bunsen | Oh! Oh dear! |
Heather | You again, huh? Alright, here it is. You two make a pretty good living here tampering with snacks!! |
Bunsen | Ow, ow, ow, ow! |
Heather | Now, you either cut me in on the action, or I will shut you down so fast you won't know what hit you! |
Bunsen | Quick, Beakie, go back to the nice Heather! |
Beaker strikes the bell. She switches to being nice. | |
Heather | Oh ... you know who doesn't get enough credit? The Osmonds. And don't you just love the way babies' heads smell? If you could bottle it, you could make a mint. |
Bunsen | Good. Now we can begin the fun process of integrating your personalities. |
Voice | Heather Locklear, you are wanted on stage. Heather Locklear on stage for the final number. |
They realize it's a stagehand holding his nose behind the couch. | |
Stagehand | Heh heh ... we, uh, couldn't afford a P.A. system. Heh heh heh ... |
Heather | Well, that's all right. You're special in your own wonderful way. |
She gets up and heads for the stage. | |
Bunsen | (stammering) Heather! You can't leave! You're still hypnotized! Oh, this is most irregular... |
Beaker, meanwhile, has become dizzy from looking at the spiral. |
Closing number
Open on a gay 90's setting. Heather strolls through a public park as Andy and Randy ride bicycles and Whatnots sit on benches. | |
Heather | Oh, what a lovely day in the park. I think I could just sit here and enjoy the sun and the flowers forever. |
Kermit | Right you are, Heather. For you see... |
He begins singing "Strolling Through the Park One Day". Inbetween lines, he taps his cane, making the same sound as the bell; every time he taps, Heather switches from good to evil to good, etc. First she pops Bean Bunny's balloon, then she trips two Whatnots, then she pulls Andy and Randy's hats over their eyes so they start swerving on their bikes. | |
Kermit | Uh, are you OK back here? |
Heather | What are you looking at, green boy? |
Kermit | What? |
Backstage, Clifford and Rizzo watch the show on a monitor. | |
Clifford | Ooh. |
Rizzo | Whoa! These modern dance routines are getting nuttier every day. |
Clifford | I don't think that's part of the routine. I better go and check on Bunsen and Beaker. (exits) |
Rizzo | All right. |
Meanwhile, Heather punches a hole in Bobo's straw hat and shoves it in his face. Kermit shows up and taps his cane again, continuing the song. This time she grabs a beverage and dumps it on a woman, who runs off crying. Then, she encounters two Whatnots wheeling a carriage full of bunnies, which she whacks away with her umbrella. Rizzo and Clifford continue watching. | |
Rizzo | We're gonna hear from people. |
Clifford | Man. (facepalms) |
Kermit | (realizes) Oh, it must be the taps! Hey, come on, guys, let's end this quickly, huh? Come on! |
The music picks up the pace and quickly ends; Kermit taps the cane to turn Heather back to her good self. Applause. | |
Kermit | Uh, thank you! (grimaces) |
Switch to the nursing home. The movers bring the TV back. | |
Statler | Hey, why are you bringing that TV back? |
Movers | It's from the Muppets Tonight sweepstakes. |
Waldorf | We won? |
Statler | No. We lost! |
They chuckle. Switch back to the theater, where everyone gathers for a curtain call. | |
Clifford | Yeah! Give it up! Give it up! (laughs) |
Bunsen | Give it up! |
Clifford | Yeah, yeah, yeah! |
Heather | Hey guys, hey Clifford. Kermit and I just did the cutest little dance number. And look, I'm wearing petticoats. |
Clifford | Uh, th-that's great, Heather. Uh, hey, Bun-bun, do what you gotta do. |
Bunsen | Well, Clifford, I'm afraid this case goes for the trout-and-noggin technique. |
Clifford | What's the trout-and-noggin technique? |
Bunsen | Well, Beakie takes a trout and whacks her on the noggin, thusly. |
WHACK! Heather comes to. | |
Heather | Wow. I feel completely normal again ... as if my personality had been integrated by a fish. |
Bunsen | Told you so! |
Clifford | Oh, man, that's great, Bun-bun! Heather, it's been nice having you on the show, uh, both of you. |
Heather | Well, thank you, Clifford. We enjoyed it. |
Clifford | Say good night, Heather. |
Heather | Good night, Heather. |
The Muppets chuckle. | |
Clifford | Oh, I never get tired of hearing that! Good night, everybody! |
Applause. Andy and Randy wheel past on their bikes. | |
Andy | Whoa... |
Randy | I'm gonna catch you! |
Bunsen | Careful there. Careful. |
Randy crashes into Bobo. |
Epilogue
In the commissary, Big Mean Carl eats from the food tray. | |
Carl | Ooh, I love this, biscotti. (munches) Ooh, I hate these chimichangas! (munches) And I love this biscotti! (munches) And I hate these chimichangas! |
He eats a lamp, then an alarm clock. | |
Carl | Ooh, and I love this lamp! (eats) Ooh, I hate this alarm clock! |
The clock rings inside him. He bows. | |
Carl | Thank you. Thank you. |
The credits roll. Outtakes are shown of "Muppet Heights", "Hardy Pig Boys", and Johnny Fiamma dancing. |