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Main stage. Kermit enters.
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Kermit
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In the golden age of television, our guest star earned the title of "Mr. Television," and he deserves it to this day. Here he is, the incomparable Milton Berle!
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The curtains open and Milton enters.
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Milton
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Thank you. Thank you, thank you and good evening. Uh, and I wanna thank you, Kermit, thank you for your wonderful introduction. First time I've ever been introduced by an amphibious emcee. Because you know what "amphibious" means... it means he can be dull on land or water.
I feel great. I really, I feel wonderful. I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport. I really did. And while I was there...
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Statler and Waldorf
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Funny! Funny! Funny!
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Milton
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Oh-ho, oh-ho! I heard about them. It's beginning. You're the two guys that I heard about that heckle from the box, aren't you? There they are, ladies and gentlemen. Get a good look at 'em. Starsky and Crutch. Yeah, don't start with me, boys. Don't start with me.
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Statler
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Hey! Hey, Berle!
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Milton
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What?
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Statler
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You know what? I've just figured out your style.
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Milton
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Really?
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Statler
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You work like Gregory Peck!
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Milton
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Gregory Peck's not a comedian.
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Statler
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Well...
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Milton
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Now just a minute, please. I have been a successful comedian half of my life.
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Waldorf
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How come we got this half?
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Milton
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Look, did you come in here to be entertained or not?
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Statler
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That's right.
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Milton
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What's right?
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Statler
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We came in here to be entertained and we're not.
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Milton
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Oh, yeah? I'd like to see you come down here and be funny.
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Waldorf
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You first!
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Milton
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(mock laughing) Ha ha ha, the audience. Don't pay any attention to him, folks. He's the ninth child of a family of eight. Let me tell this story...
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Statler
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Hey, Berle!
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Milton
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(groans) Yes, what is it? What is it?
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Statler
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You know what you're doing wrong?
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Milton
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What am I doing wrong?
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Statler
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You're standing too close to the audience.
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Milton
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Oh, I am? Well... how's this? (takes a step back)
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Statler
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You're still too close.
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Milton
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Oh, I'm sorry. Is this OK? (takes another step)
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Statler
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A little more.
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Milton
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How far back do you want me to go?
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Statler
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You got a car? (Waldorf laughs)
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Milton
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Let me tell you something, if you don't stop I'll have the usher throw you out.
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Waldorf
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He can't, he's too busy.
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Milton
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Doing what?
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Waldorf
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Keeping people in! (He and Statler crack up, as does the audience.)
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Milton
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(to the audience) And you're encouraging him! (to Statler and Waldorf) You know, I got a good mind to punch you in your nose.
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Waldorf
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Please, not while I'm holding it. (They chuckle to each other)
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Milton
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(chuckles) That's pretty funny.
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Waldorf
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Ah, you can use it.
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Milton
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... You can use it. I don't need your material, pal. I got a million funny lines in the back of my head.
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Statler
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Yeah, how come they never reach your mouth?
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Milton
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Gentlemen, would you please? Would you take it easy? Do you think I'm doing this for fun?
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Statler
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Not so far.
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Milton
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I've... Oh, I see. You think you can do better?
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Statler
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I couldn't do worse.
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Milton
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Alright. OK. I dare you both to come down here and entertain.
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Waldorf
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Eh, we should.
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Milton
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Oh yeah? You sing?
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Waldorf
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No.
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Milton
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Do you dance?
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Statler
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No.
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Milton
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Can you get laughs?
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Waldorf
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No.
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Milton
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Then what would do you?
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Waldorf
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Just what you're doing. (They and the audience laugh.)
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Milton
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OK, that's it. That's it. I'm gonna call the police.
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Statler
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Good idea. You need all the protection you can get.
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Milton
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(to the laughing audience) Don't! (to Statler and Waldorf) I've had it with you guys. I'm not going to put up with you anymore... anymore. Not anymore.
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Gonzo enters the stage.
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Gonzo
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Hey, how's it going, Mr. Berle?
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Milton
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Oh, I'm gonna start with you now? How's it going? It's going terribly. It's going... These guys have been picking on me, insulting me ever since I started.
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Gonzo
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Well, can I help you out?
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Milton
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Please, huh?
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Gonzo
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Which way did you come in?
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Milton
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I would... (realizes what Gonzo said, grabs Gonzo's nose and yanks him offstage) Get out of here! I've had it, I've had it! Here we go again.
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