Cold open

Dr. Bunsen and Beaker display a chemistry set to Mr. Brosnan.
Bunsen Let's go over some of the equipment you'll be needing to host the show this evening, Mr. Bond.
Pierce Thank you, Bunsen, but uh, I'm not really James Bond. I'm uh, just Pierce Brosnan.
Bunsen (chuckles) Whatever you say, 007! Wink wink. (laughs)
Beaker (echoes Bunsen) Wink wink wink!
Bunsen (hands him a mic) Now this interesting little gizmo looks like an ordinary microphone.
Pierce A microphone, eh? And what does it do?
Bunsen Well, it amplifies your voice electronically so the audience can hear you.
Pierce I see. And I suppose this is the "on" button?
He presses the button and something explodes, startling Beaker and causing him to jump up and down, yelping.
Bunsen No, that's the button that makes Beaker's pants explode. Beaker, go change your pants. Come along.
Pierce Yes?
Bunsen Over here, I'd like to show you this. We call this our Deadly Alarm Clock.
Pierce I see. And how does that work?
Bunsen Well, we put it in a great big slingshot and fire it point blank at somebody's head. It really hurts.
Pierce I bet it does, Bunsen.
Enter Kermit.
Kermit Oh. Oh! Hi there, Pierce. Hey. How's it going, huh?
Pierce Well, it's going great, Kermit, except um, everyone's treating me like I'm James Bond, and I'm not. I mean, that's just the character I play in the movies.
Kermit Oh, yeah.
Pierce You know? I mean, because in real life I'm not that suave or debonair at all.
He applies a cotton swab to his ear.
Bunsen Now where did I put that high-powered laser of death cotton swab?
Kermit What?
A red beam shoots out of Pierce's ear as he uses the swab on his other ear. The beam makes a hole in the wall, startling Bobo, who's in the bathtub in the other room.
Bobo Wha? ... Hey! This is the reason I moved out of the Y!
Pierce (tosses the swab) Well, I ... think I'll just go to makeup, guys.
He exits. Music button.

Theme

Kermit opens the doors to the Muppet Theater.
Kermit It's Muppets Tonight, with our very special guest star, Pierce Brosnan! Ya––!
He is immediately trampled by theater patrons. Clifford sings the theme song while wandering through the dressing room to the control room to the stage, as Jowls whistles. Clifford reaches the stage, goes to a wall and throws a switch which lights up the show's title.

Opening act

Main stage. The house band plays as Clifford comes out to applause.
A. Ligator And now, here's the host of our show, C'lifford!
Clifford Hey! What's up, what's up! Welcome to Muppets Tonight, the show that can be seen anywhere from Istanbul to Constantinople!
Rizzo Clifford! Haven't you heard? Istanbul is Constantinople!
Clifford What do you mean?
Four rats pop up and sing a passage from "Istanbul (Not Constantinople)". Clifford giggles. Rizzo walks off.
Clifford Any hue, our special guest tonight is none other than, Pierce Brosnan! (applause) Yeah! And here he is!
The camera, assuming the 007 "gun barrel" POV, looks for Pierce as spy music plays.
Clifford Uh ... right here ... walking right into the middle of that circle thing. Uh ... alright, where is he?
Backstage, Pierce frantically opens every door.
Pierce (panting) Stage door –– where's the stage door? This is ridiculous. They all look the same.
He opens another door to find Bobo in a towel, blow-drying himself off.
Bobo Wha–? You again? You must be one sad and lonely man!
Pierce Please don't get the wrong impression. It's just that I'm looking for the, uh–– oh, never mind.
Meanwhile, the camera still looks for him, reaching Clifford.
Clifford Hey, man! Get that thing off of me! (ducks) Uh, ladies and gentlemen, while we wait for Pierce Brosnan, uh, why don't we bring out another act? Uh, excuse me while I see what we have in our vast reservoir of talent. Later. (goes over to Rizzo) Yo, Riz, Riz, what you got for me?
Rizzo Well, I'm afraid our vast reservoir's more like a vast desert. All we got is dancing grandmas.
Clifford Aw, that doesn't sound good!
Rizzo Well, it's either that or Seymour and Pepe doing German opera.
The hapless duo emerge wearing Wagnerian hats and dance to their theme music.
Seymour Hi there!
Pepe Ha ha!
Seymour ♪ I'm Tristan!
Pepe ♪ I'm Isolda!
Both ♪ We're two of a kind.
Pepe ♪ We both wear lederhosen ...
Seymour ♪ ... and go swimming up the Rhine!
Both Ta-da!
Clifford I'll go and introduce the grandmas.
Rizzo Yeah.
Seymour and Pepe exclaim in disappointment and go away.
Pepe I told you we should have done "Sugar Babies", okay!
Clifford Ladies and gentlemen, let's give a big Muppet welcome to the dancing grandmas!
The grandmas tap wildly to Los Lobos' "La Bamba".
Switch to the nursing home. Statler and Waldorf watch the show on TV.
Statler Woo woo! Look at her shake that thing.
Waldorf What thing is that?
Statler ... I don't remember.
They chuckle. The grandmas continue dancing.
Granny 1 Boy, you got it!
Rizzo and Clifford watch on a monitor backstage.
Clifford Hey Riz, those grandmas can sure bust a move!
Rizzo Yeah. Let's just hope they don't bust a hip. (they laugh)
Timid man Hey, Clifford! Look. I finally got over my fear of standing next to closed doors.
Pierce enters through the door and knocks him away.
Pierce (covering eyes) Is there any naked bears in here? Please, speak up now. (listens) ... Oh, very good. Hi, guys. How's everything?
Clifford Yo, yo, Pierce! Where you been, man? We need you for the Spy in the Casino sketch!
Rizzo Yeah!
Pierce Oh, good, good, good. What does that involve?
Clifford You know, the usual, where the spy has a fight scene, dances with beautiful women and gets tortured and saves the day.
Rizzo Right.
Awkward pause.
Pierce And what do I do?
Clifford That is what you'll be doing, man. You know, just like in your movies.
Pierce (stammers) But Clifford, this is live television! I mean, in the movies, we plan everything! We do it over and over again until we get it right! I mean, we have stuntmen and special effects, we go to exotic locations like –– Istanbul and Constantinople ...
Four rats pop up and sing another passage from "Istanbul (Not Constantinople)".
Pierce You know, Clifford, that annoying and repetitive rat song has given me time to think. I'll do the sketch.
Clifford Good!
Pierce There's nothing like flying without a net. It should be fun. Live television.
Clifford Yeah.
Pierce Getting it perfect the first time. I'll be back.
Rizzo Alright.
Pierce trips and falls, quickly getting back up.
Clifford Are you alright?
Pierce I'm alright. I'm alright. I'm alright.
He goes back out the door he came in, again knocking over the timid guy.

The Spy in the Casino / Backstage

Open on a spinning roulette wheel in a casino. Pierce and several gamblers watch it spin.
Lady (LCR) Red 9. Come on, baby. Come to mama. Come on.
Dealer (BH) 4 black. You win again, sir.
Pierce Luck is with me tonight. Thank you, sir. Thank you indeed. Yes, have one yourself.
He tosses a chip towards the dealer, hitting him in the eye.
Dealer (BH) Ow! Ow! My eye! My eye!
Pierce strolls along, passing a waiter with a tray. He picks up the tray and takes a sip out of one of the glasses, revealing that they're glued to the tray.
Pierce Ah. Champagne.
Waiter (DG) No, wait! That's a prop! I ...
Pierce, now wet, hands the tray back.
Waiter (DG) Thank you.
Pierce I'm sorry. Sorry, sorry about that.
Pierce walks over to another table, including spectators such as Spamela Hamderson.
Dealer (KC) You're showing 18, sir.
Blowfish Hmm, I'll hold.
Pierce Up to your old tricks of playing Pinochle again, eh, Blowfish?
Blowfish Huh? It's blackjack, you fool.
Pierce Oh. Changed your name to Blackjack? Very clever. But I still recognize you.
Blowfish Aw, be quiet. I'm in the middle of an important wager. I have £60,000 riding on this hand.
Pierce £60,000, eh? That's nothing for an international crook like you. Why, I've seen you bank much more ––
He leans on the table, accidentally knocking over the spectators and some of the chips.
Pierce Sorry. Uh –– sorry. Here you go.
He puts Blowfish back in his seat.
Blowfish You idiot.
Clifford and Rizzo watch on a monitor.
Clifford He's not exactly Fred Astaire.
Rizzo Ha! He's more like Fred Fall-down-Astaire. (laughs, pauses)
Clifford Even the laugh track didn't think that was funny.
Switch back to the casino. A French penguin emcee takes the stage.
Penguin (JN) Ladies and gentlemen! The Mama Cass-ino is proud to present the song stylings of Miss Porky Galore!
Applause as the curtain rises on Miss Piggy, who sings "Whatever Porky Wants, Porky Gets". She goes up to Pierce and starts seducing him, pressing the microphone button and causing Blowfish's pants to explode.
Blowfish Ow! My pants!
Pierce Sorry about that!
Bunsen (enters) So that's where my microphone went!
Miss Piggy Will you beat it?
Bunsen Yes... (exits)
Miss Piggy (continues singing and dancing with Pierce) –– OW! My foot!
Pierce Sorry.
Piggy continues singing, when Pierce accidentally rips off her pink dress.
Pierce Lovely dress you're ... not wearing.
Piggy runs off screaming.
Blowfish That is the last time ––
Pierce punches him, wincing afterwards.
Pig He is an idiot. Hmph!
Switch to backstage.
Clifford Aw, man, I've seen enough. Let's put this sketch to bed. Uh, cue the dancing grandmas.
Rizzo Too late. We already put them to bed.
Clifford Then wake 'em up, man! Meantime, uh, cue the Bay of Pigswatch, Nigel.
Nigel (spews, coughs) Cue the Bay of Pigswatch! CUE CUE CUE!
Assistant (BB) Cue the next sketch.

Bay of Pigswatch

The opening title sequence plays. A. Ligator reads the title cards.
A. Ligator Bay of Pigswatch. Starring David Hoggselhoff as Champ Schwimmer. Spamela Hamderson as Spamela. And Andy and Randy Pig as Donnie and Art C. Shell.
Champ, Andy and Randy stand at their post. Champ plays the ukulele and sings a song in mock-Hawaiian to Spamela. Andy and Randy sing along but soon get distracted by something.
Champ

♪ Hock-a-loogie, guacamole, maka-maka-mu,
♪ Soup-a-cup-a, soup-a-yucky-yucky looky-loo,
♪ Slap-a-lip-a-lock-a likey-like me too,
♪ Wook-a-Mookie-Wilson aka-haka-hoo!

Spamela Gee, Champ, that was a swell song!
Champ Oh. Well, would you like to hear it backwards?
Spamela Uh huh.
Champ ♪ Waka-Wilson-Mookie––
Strangepork (off-screen) Schwimmer, step to attention!
Champ (gasp) It's Julius Strangepork, commissioner of beach safety, and my boss.
Strangepork Stand up straight!
Champ Yessir! (obeys his commands)
Strangepork Suck in your gut! Lift one leg!
Spamela Do the hokey-pokey!
Strangepork And turn yourself around!
Spamela & Champ ♪ That's what it's all about! (continue singing)
Strangepork That's enough!
Champ Yessir!
Strangepork (holds up a clipboard) It has come to my attention that your lifeguard license has expired.
Champ Why, that's impossible, sir. My level-headed assistant lifeguards just renewed it for me. Isn't that right, boys?
Andy Ooh! Ooh! Look, Champ! Donnie caught a goldfish with his head!
Randy wriggles with a shark on his head.
Randy Ooh! Nice fishy.
Strangepork Well, Schwimmer, obviously you must take the test again, or you can no longer be head lifeguard.
Champ Well, I'll do whatever it takes to keep this cushy job.
Strangepork Alright. The first test is weightlifting.
Spamela (sigh)
Champ Piece of cake.
Strangepork No, maybe later. But first, you have to lift that 500-pound barbell.
Champ (stammers) 500 pounds? (laughs) Well, okay. Dig this, Spamela.
Spamela (sigh)
Heroic music plays as Champ lifts the barbell.
Strangepork Very clever, Schwimmer. Now try it without the fabulous bacon boys.
A wider shot reveals that Andy and Randy assisted him in lifting the barbell.
Champ Alright, fellas, let it down.
Andy Okay.
They drop it on Champ's head. Spamela gasps.
Strangepork Well, since Champ has failed the test, and is completely kaput, hmm, I've decided to make you the new head lifeguard.
Spamela Goody! But –– I don't have a license either.
Andy Yo, yo, yo, you two! Donnie found Champ's license!
Champ re-emerges with the barbell on his head, and is followed by Randy.
Champ Where was it?
Randy Inside the goldfish! (wriggles away)
Strangepork Well, Schwimmer, it seems you're the head lifeguard again and there's only one thing left to do!
Champ The hokey-pokey?
Strangepork What else?
All ♪ You put your left foot in, you put your left foot out...

Swift Wits

Applause. The light comes up; Snookie notices they're rolling.
Snookie Hey! Hi! Hello again! Welcome to Swift Wits, the fastest game show on TV. I'm your host, Snookie Blyer, and here is today's contestant, Mr. Arthur Modell. (applause) Arthur, I understand you have an interesting story about the time you took a sea cruise with the Dalai Lama?
Arthur Yes, hi, Snookie. You see, we were um ...
Snookie Ah, okay, Arthur. I said you had an interesting story. I didn't say I wanted to hear it.
Arthur Sorry. (laughs)
Snookie (laughs) Okay! Let's see who you'll be playing for today! It's kindly old Rufus the hound! (a door reveals Rufus)
Arthur (laughs)
Snookie (laughs) Answer correctly, and we'll make sure Rufus gets all the medication he needs to enjoy his golden years. If, however, you fail to answer the question, old Rufus will be eaten alive by Carl the Big Mean Bunny. (another door reveals Carl)
Carl Hi!
Arthur (laughs)
Snookie (laughs) Now, let's tell our audience the correct answer.
A. Ligator The answer is "The Battle of Hastings".
Snookie You have ten seconds, Arthur. Here are your clues...
Arthur The Battle of Hastings.
The bell dings; triumphant music plays.
Snookie Wow – that's right! (laughs) That's the first correct answer we've ever had in the history of this show! Oh, it's incredi– congratulations, Arthur!
Arthur (laughs) Thank you.
Snookie And congratulations to Rufus! Oh! I'm sorry, Carl, this is one guest you can't eat.
Carl That's what you say! (devours Rufus)
Arthur Hey – don't do that! Stop that!
Snookie Carl! Carl! Stop! Carl ...
Carl also devours Arthur. Snookie laughs maniacally as the closing music plays.

Backstage

Bobo talks on the phone at his post. A gang of lobsters huddle near him.
Bobo ... cream and, uh, gold. Yeah. Very pretty.
Lobster (JN) Alright. Here's the plan.
Lobster (BH) Yeah, yeah?
Lobster (JN) After we do our musical number, we take over the studio and make our demands.
Lobster (BH) Okay.
Bobo Wha–? Hey, hey-hey-hey! What are you guys doing here?
Lobster (JN) Uh, we're the Rock Lobsters. We're here to do our big "Rock Lobster" song on the show.
Lobster (BH) Yeah, and then we're going to take over the studio.
Lobster (JN) Quiet, chowderhead!
Lobster (BH) What? What?
Bobo Wait a minute, what did he say?
Lobster (JN) Uh, nothin'. He was talkin' about how bears'll believe anything you tell 'em.
Bobo (laughs) Ahh, you got that right. Have a good day, fellas.
The lobsters board the elevator.
Lobster (JN) Whoa, tight security ... (laughs)
Lobster (BH) That was a close one.
Seymour Oh, hi there. What floor may I take you to?
Lobster (JN) Knock off the small talk, Dumbo, and take us to the third floor!
Seymour Alright!
The elevator door closes.

At the Bar

Mr. Callahan enters through the doors.
Polly Lobster ♪ If ya want my body, and ya think I'm sexy–– Ooh! Hey, Mr. Callahan, how ya doin'? The usual, huh? No? Then let me try something out on ya. (hands him a drink) I call this the Polly Wallbanger. (laughs) It's got a real ––
Mr. Callahan sips the drink and explodes.
Polly Lobster ... ooh ... kick to it! Uh, don't worry, Mr. C, those stains'll come out! Huh? Uh, Clueless? Oh, yeah yeah yeah. He's in the back. I'll call him out. Uh, Clueless?
Clueless Morgan Yeah, Polly? (reacts to applause) Heh heh! Thank you! Thank you. Oh, hi, Mr. Callahan. Oh, uh, by the way, you got a run in your nylons, there.
Polly Lobster Say, Clueless?
Clueless Morgan Yeah?
Polly Lobster What's this I hear about you going back to school?
Clueless Morgan Oh, yes, yes. I'm going to knight school.
Polly Lobster Good for you. Uh, what are you studyiung?
Clueless Morgan Uh, jousting.
Polly Lobster Jousting! (laughs) I get it! "Knight" school! Jousting! (laughs)
Clueless laughs, having finally got the joke. An awkward pause.
Polly Lobster You wanna sing or should I hit you with this frying pan?
Clueless Morgan Oh, um ... I wanna sing. Paul?
Piano flourish. Clueless sings a passage from "Beautiful Dreamer" until Polly hits him with the pan.
Clueless Morgan (dazed) I thought you said I had a choice.
Polly Lobster I lied. (laughs)
Mr. Callahan whacks Polly with another frying pan.
Polly Lobster (dazed) You're right, Mr. Callahan. It's not nice to lie. (faints)

Circus Act

The dancing grandmas tap wildly to "Le Freak". Clifford and Rizzo watch on the monitor, cabbage-patching.
Clifford & Rizzo Go grannies! Go grannies! Go grannies! Go grannies!
Timid man Clifford! Clifford, look! I got over my fear of holding way too many pies next to a closed door!
Fozzie bursts through the door and knocks over the timid man and the pies.
Fozzie Clifford! Clifford! Oh, this is exciting! I've got great news! I just talked to Pierce, and he wants to do an act that's filled with danger, excitement, and things flying through the air ...
Clifford Wait, what is it, what is it, one of those action-adventure stunt shows?
Fozzie No, it's even better, it's juggling.
Clifford Juggling?
Fozzie Yeah. Yeah. With Andy and Randy Pig.
A beat. The three stiffen up in realization.
All three Hoy-ya ...
The stage fills with smoke as suspenseful stunt music plays.
A. Ligator Ladies and gentlemen, prepare yourselves for the dazzling juggling artistry of Pierce Brosnan and Andy and Randy Pig!
Andy and Randy come out dressed in leotards, vocalizing to the music.
Andy ... Mr. Brosnan!
Randy Where is he?
Andy I don't know! We're already out here!
They continue dancing and scatting. Pierce comes out and approaches them.
Pierce Sorry, fellas, I gotta make a trip to the little spies' room. (the pigs nod) Nerves, you know, top secret stuff.
Andy & Randy Yeah. Yeah.
Pierce makes his way to a bucket of juggling pins.
Pierce So! Nancy and Clancy! Let's juggle!
Andy & Randy Let's juggle!
He starts throwing the pins at the pigs, who get conked on the head.
Pierce Yes, here we go! There we go! Coming at you, Nancy! Coming at you, Clancy!
Andy Ow! Ow!
Randy Ow! We should've found out what juggling is!
Pierce Very good! There you go! Coming at you! That's it! Don't lose interest!
Andy Oof! Why is he hitting us?
Randy I don't know!
Andy & Randy THIS JOB'S TOO HARD! Oof!
Switch to the nursing home.
Statler I guess you've got to take the good with the bad.
Waldorf Yeah. But I'm still waiting for the good.
They chuckle.
Statler Yeah.

"Rock Lobster" / Lobster takeover

Clifford Ladies and gentlemen, before things really fall apart –– OOF!
He gets hit by a pin.
Clifford ... here are the nautical but nice musical stylings of the Rock Lobsters.
Applause. The lobsters perform "Rock Lobster" with other accompanying animals. Clifford and Rizzo stroll backstage, chuckling.
Clifford Look at those lobsters out there. Aren't they cute? With their little lobster outfits, their little lobster guitars, and their little lobster semiautomatic weapons.
They freeze in horror, and suddenly look at the monitor. The head lobster has taken over, with one of his assistants holding a cameraman at gunpoint.
Lobster (JN) Keep that camera pinned on me, or she'll shoot ya!
Lobsters (murmuring in agreement)
Lobster (DG) That's right! You'll be sorry then!
Cameraman (BH) Alright, alright!
Lobster (JN) Shellfish of the world unite!
Lobsters Yeah!
Lobster (JN) We, the Crustacean Liberation Army, are taking over the Muppets' studio!
Lobsters Yeah! That's right!
Lobster (JN) Here we're gonna announce our plans for world domination!
Lobsters Yeah!
Lobster (JN) Here are our demands! First and from now on, when someone's in a bad mood, no more calling them "crab"!
Lobsters That's right! (murmuring in agreement)
Lobster (JN) Second, when someone is short, no more calling them "shrimp"!
Lobster (DG) Yeah, because that's one thing that really burns us, ya know, they call us shrimp ...
Lobster (JN) Take it easy, Ed.
Lobster (DG) Sorry.
The rest of the Muppets watch backstage.
Lobster (JN) Third, no more movies based on old TV shows!
Lobster (DG) Yeah, that's right –– wait a minute, what's that got to do with shellfish?
Lobster (JN) Nothing. It's for the benefit of all mankind.
Clifford Well, you gotta agree with them on that one.
Rizzo These guys look serious, chief! What are we gonna do?
Pierce enters with a suitcase. The others face him.
Pierce Clifford? I have an announcement to make.
Clifford I can't talk right now, Pierce! We're in the middle of a crisis!
Pierce Nevertheless, I came in here to make my apologies for ... ruining your show and ... to tell everyone that, um ... I'm leaving.
A beat. They all turn away from him.
Clifford Yeah, later.
Zippity Zap Alright, bye-bye now.
Pierce walks away, when Fozzie stops him.
Fozzie Pierce, Pierce, wait! Don't go! No, you didn't ruin the show! I mean, the Casino sketch, and your juggling act, they were hysterical!
Pierce Really? You thought they were funny, Fozzie?
Fozzie Oh, yeah! They were funny! Yeah, and I know funny, because I am a professional comedian! (honks his horn)
Pierce Oh, thank you.
Bunsen And Beakie and I found it scientifically entertaining. Remember, I am a professional scientist. (honks his own horn)
Pierce This is true, this is true! Oh, guys, you've made me feel so good! Thank you so much! If there's anything I can do that'll make this show better, I will do anything!
Clifford ... Anything? Well, maybe you can help us with these armed lobsters that have taken over the studio.
Fozzie Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!
Pierce What?! No sooner said than done! Bunsen?
Bunsen Yes?
Pierce Quickly, go get those special gadgets together. (Bunsen exits with a honk) Fozzie? I'm off to slip into a clever disguise. (exits)
Fozzie Yes! (honks)
Lobster (JN) Demand #49: Istanbul should be changed to Constantinople!
Four rats pop up and sing another passage from "Istanbul (Not Constantinople)".
Lobster (JN) Alright, so it wasn't a real demand. I just wanted to hear that song again.
Lobsters (laughing)
Lobster (JN) Anyway, until all our demands are met, we rule the airwaves!
Lobsters Yeah!
Lobster (JN) We will control the entertainment on this show!
Lobsters Yeah! That's right!
Lobster (JN) We will put on what WE wanna see!
Lobsters Yeah!
Lobster (JN) Men, what do we wanna see?
Lobsters (whispering)
Lobster (JN) You're kidding. What? Are you sure?
Lobsters Yeah. We're sure.
Lobster (JN) Alright then. We choose to put on ... the dancing grandmas!
Lobsters Yeah!
Nigel Cue! (shoves weasel out of the way)
He switches to the dancing grandmas, who tap wildly to "Get On Up". Switch to the nursing home.
Statler Boy, watching these grandmas has me feeling something I haven't felt in years.
Waldorf What's that?
Statler My pulse!
They chuckle.


Closing number

The cameraman, still at gunpoint, is now also gagged.
Lobster (JN) Alright! It's been five minutes and I can see our demands are not going to be met! Uh, Agnes, when I get home, I don't want to say I told you so. Now, to show you how serious we are, bring out the hostages! (laughs)
They bring out Seymour and Pepe, tied up and yelping.
Both Oh no! Please! Please! No! No! Help us!
Lobster (JN) So, how does it feel now that you're about to be sacrificed, big-shot capitalistic entertainers?
Lobsters Yeah! (laughing)
Lobster (JN) Let's hear you sing now!
Lobsters Yeah.
Both Okay! (their theme music begins)
Seymour I'm Seymour.
Pepe I'm Pepe.
Both ♪ We're two of a kind.
Pepe ♪ We're about to be sacrificed ...
Seymour ♪ And I've got a ... big behind?
Pepe (aside) If we had only a little more time to prepare, okay ...
Seymour Yeah, yeah ...
Lobster (JN) Silence! Take 'em away before they sing again!
Pierce comes out, dressed as a lobster.
Pierce Wait, wait, wait!
Lobster (JN) Hey, who's the new kid?
Pierce The name's Prawn. James Prawn. (spy music begins)
Lobster (JN) Welcome to the car, Stretch!
Lobster (DG) Careful, boss, it could be a trap.
Lobster (JN) Hey, look, I'm a lobster! I know a trap when I see one! A trap doesn't have catchy music cues! Okay, Prawn, you can kill 'em.
Pepe No, no!
Lobster (JN) On second thought, I wanna kill 'em.
Pepe No!
Pierce Don't you think you're being a little ... shellfish?
Lobster (JN) I am a little shellfish. Huh? Oh, I get it! It's a pun.
Lobster (DG) Ahh.
Lobster (JN) Wait a second! Crustaceans don't make puns!
Lobster (DG) Yeah, you're no prawn!
Lobster (JN) Get him, boys!
Pierce aims the Deadly Alarm Clock slingshot at the lobsters and hits one of them.
Pierce Okay, your time's up! This is it! (BONK!) Alright! You have really –– (he gets hit by a bullet) AAH! –– You've really ticked me off now!
He hits another lobster. The others watch backstage.
Clifford Man, look at Pierce go!
Rizzo Yeah!
Clifford Boy, this sure would make a great closing number.
Rizzo Yeah, if only we had some music.
Johnny and Sal enter.
Sal Outta the way! Johnny Fiama comin' through singin' a cheap knockoff of a James Bond song!
Johnny That's enough there, Sal.
Sal Outta the way!
As Pierce fends off the lobsters, Sal plays the trumpet and Johnny sings to the tune of "Goldfinger".
Johnny

♪ Pierce Brosnan ...
♪ He's the guy,
♪ The guy with the clocks that fly ...
♪ He just clocked that guy.
♪ Ooh! Pierce Brosnan ...
♪ Pierce Brosnan ...
♪ Pierce ...

Pierce nearly collapses after defeating all the lobsters.
Sal Well done!
Applause.

Goodnights

Applause. Pierce, Seymour, Pepe, Rizzo and Clifford gather for a curtain call.
Clifford Yeah. Yo, Pierce, it was great having you on the show.
Pierce Thank you, Clifford, man, I mean, what can I say? I mean, doing your show has, uh, reinvigorated me. I feel as if there's nothing I couldn't do now.
Gonzo (whoosh!) Really? What about fire-eating?
Pierce Sure. Why not?
They watch and react in awe as Pierce picks up a flaming baton, breathes fire onto it, and places it in his mouth. Applause.
Clifford Yeah! That's amazing! Let's give it up for our special guest, Mr. Pierce Brosnan! Yeah!
Applause. Piggy joins them.
Gonzo Reminds me of my own hearburn.
Seymour Wow!
Clifford How do you feel now, Pierce?
Pierce (fans his mouth) It feels hot. Hot. Hot, hot, hot, hot ...
Clifford Hey! Good musical segue way! Hit it!
They all dance to "Hot Hot Hot".
Clifford Do it, Pierce!
Pierce I'm doing it, Clifford! I'm doing it just for you! Thank you, guys ...
Clifford Good night, everybody ...
The credits roll. Outtakes are shown of Rizzo, Clifford and Pepe.
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