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The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 204: Rich Little.

Cold open

Scooter is outside the guest star's dressing room.
Scooter Rich Little! Oh, Rich Little! Forty-five seconds to curtain, Mr. Little.
Rich Little emerges wearing a long scarf and top hat.
Rich Godfrey Daniels! Send for a shepherd. There seems to be a pig in my dressing room. (shuts door)
Scooter Gee, that was W.C. Fields. Where's Rich Little?
Rich Little enters again with a fedora and trench coat.
Rich Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, I had to walk into this infested hole. Ah, here's looking at... at you, kid. (shuts door)
Scooter Wow, Humphrey Bogart. But where's Rich Little?
Mean Mama emerges from the guest star's dressing room.
Mean Mama Oh, I'll be ready, Scooter, little buddy. (shuts door)
Scooter Boy, Rich Little does impressions of everybody.


Kermit It's The Muppet Show with our very special guest star, Mr. Rich Little!
The curtain opens and the theme begins.
Waldorf I've seen enough, let's leave.
Statler Mmm.
Gonzo's trumpet blows up a long, yellow balloon.

Opening number

Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit OK, greetings, greetings, sayeth the frog and welcome to another half hour of whatever this is. For tonight, we tried to book every internationally-known superstar to appear on our stage at the same time! Uh, they couldn't make it. Yeah, baby-sitting problems and stuff like that, I guess. Actually, we did get one star, and he's enough because he can become all of the other ones. Naturally, I'm referring to the master impressionist, Mr. Rich Little. But before we see him, how about a little Chanson D'Amour, hmm?
A trio of girl singers perform "Chanson D'Amour." Crazy Harry joins them to perform the "Ra-ta-ta-ta-ta" part... along with a bit of explosive punctuation.
Waldorf (wakes up from a nap) Oh, what'd I miss?
Statler Oh, nothing, they just bombed again.


Crazy Harry exits the stage.
Kermit Hey, very sensitive, Crazy Harry. You certainly have a way with a lyric.
Enter Gonzo.
Gonzo Hey, Kermit, Kermit. Have you seen any chickens around here today?
Kermit Chickens? Gonzo, why would there be any chickens around here?
Gonzo Well, I'm auditioning for my new dancing chicken act. It's gonna be sensational!
Kermit A dancing chicken act? Gonzo, I've never heard of anything as ridiculous as a dancing chicken.
Gonzo How about a talking frog?
Kermit Be wise, Gonzo.
Gonzo Well, look, I advertised for dancing chickens in the paper. So the minute they show up, just send them back to the prop room, OK?
Kermit Yeah.
Gonzo Thank you. (exits)
Kermit Sure, send the chickens to the prop room. Ad in the paper! Chickens can't read. Frogs, yes, but chickens, never. (gasps)
A live chicken is wandering around backstage.
Kermit Uh, yeah, well, the... the prop room is down there. It's the second door on your left, sir... or madam. (shrugs)


Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit OK, it's guest star time on the old Muppet Show. So here he is, the only man I know who can be anyone he feels like, Mr. Rich Little!
Fanfare and applause as the curtains open on Rich.
Rich Thank you, thank you. It's great to be here. I'd like to start off this evening by doing my impression of truly one of the great comedians of our time. (As Fozzie) Aaahhh. Hiya, hiya, hiya! It's great to see you happy folks 'cause I'm the bear with the snappy jokes! Aaahhh.
Statler Hey, that's terrific, just great!
Waldorf Yeah, the voice is perfect.
Statler And the jokes are perfectly awful!
Rich Hey, look, I'm down here pretending to be a bear. They're up there pretending to be alive! Aaahhh!
Waldorf (laughing) Very good!
Statler Yeah, but watch it, Rich, you'll blow the impression by being funny.
Rich (As Statler) You mean you're not impressed with these impressions?
Waldorf Was that you or him?
Statler I couldn't tell. This guy's good!
Rich (as Fozzie) But let me tell you, folks, a funny thing happened on the way to the theater. I'm coming through a crowd at the stage door when suddenly...
Enter Fozzie.
Fozzie (stuttering) Don't tell me, I know! Aaahhh...
Rich Aaahhh...
Fozzie Bob Hope! Milton Berle. Uh, Jack Benny?
Rich (shoos Fozzie away with his hat) Will you get out of here?!
Fozzie (yells)
Rich (as Kermit) Uh, sorry for the interruption, folks. Uh, Kermit the Frog here. We've got a really great show lined up for you tonight, featuring Gonzo and the flying cheese, plus the state of New Jersey.
Enter Kermit.
Rich (As Kermit) Oh, uh, gee. Uh, look... look who's here.
Kermit Rich, it's you! See, I was in the dressing room and I heard you onstage and for a second I thought I had grown a new me.
Rich (As Piggy) Hello, Kermie.
Kermit What?
Rich Kissy-kissy.
Statler Hey, it's terrific.
Rich (As Piggy) If you don't let me sing tonight on the show ... I'll rip off your flippers!
Kermit Please, Piggy... Rich. This is all very--
Enter Piggy.
Piggy I heard you out here talking to another woman! Where is she?
Kermit No no no, Piggy. That was Rich Little here. Wasn't it, Rich?
Rich Hey, uh, no, it wasn't me. I just got here myself.
Piggy I thought so, swamp face!
Kermit But...
Piggy Hiyah! (chops Kermit)
Rich (as Piggy) Hey, watch what you do to my frog, Bacon-hips!
Piggy and Rich Hiyah!
They karate-chop each other and crash to the ground at the same time.
Waldorf Oh, what a performance!
Statler And what a finish, right into the orchestra pit.
Waldorf Yeah, good old Rich Little. Who else can do impressions and break a piano in two with his head? (they laugh)

Chicken auditions

Gonzo and Rowlf, at the piano, are sitting in the prop room.
Gonzo OK, who's next? Come on in.
A live chicken enters.
Gonzo All right, we're auditioning here for a new dancing chicken act. So naturally, I want to see you hoof. Hit it, Rowlf.
Rowlf plays as Gonzo watches the chicken.
Gonzo OK, can you do a little time step?... No, you can't do a little time step. How about the turkey trot? Nope. OK, let's see you cross over here. Come on. One, two, three, four. At least do something! ...OK, uh, don't call us, we'll call you.
The chicken exits.
Gonzo Nice legs, though.

At the Dance

Female Whatnot I've heard that dancing is good for you, that it can add ten years to your life.
Male Whatnot I believe it. Dancing with you, I've aged ten years.
Mary Louise is squeezing a catatonic Animal.
Mary Louise Tell me if I'm holding you too tight. I say, tell me if I'm holding you too tight!
Animal drops to the ground.
Mary Louise Now you tell me.
Female Whatnot Oh, look at that. You should call him a doctor.
Male Whatnot OK. You're a doctor.
Animal pulls himself up on Piggy and her partner.
Animal Ah.. ah... Excuse... excuse me.
Piggy Will you stop trying to cut in? Hiyah!
Animal Aah!
Animal (grunting) What's the quickest way out of here?
Crazy Harry Through the roof! (hysterical laughing)
Kaboom! Animal goes flying.

UK spot: "The Boy in the Gallery"

Miss Piggy sings "The Boy in the Gallery" with Rowlf on piano. Eventually, she is joined by the audience.
Piggy Join in, everyone.
Rowlf Take it, Piggy.


"The Glow-Worm"

Lenny the Lizard performs "The Glow-Worm." He is approached by two inchworms, both of which he eats. When a third approaches, he is met with a big surprise.
Statler There, now that's entertainment!
Waldorf That's what you said about the war of 1812.


A group of reporters including the Newsman, Mildred Huxtetter, and Fleet Scribbler greet Rich Little outside the stage door.
Newsman Oh, here he is. Shh, shh.
Rich I understand there are reporters who want to interview me.
Newsman Yes, that's right, Mr. Little. I just want you to know we are professional journalists. We won't ask you to do any impressions. You can just be yourself.
Rich Thank you, I appreciate that.
Mildred Mr. Little, I have a two-part question. One, how long does it take you to work up an impression? Two, would you answer as Cary Grant?
Newsman Uh, listen, now, listen, we weren't gonna ask him to perform.
Mildred But I just love Cary Grant.
Rich (As Cary Grant) Thank you very much, madam. I really appreciate that, I really do. Well, to answer the first part of your question, some come very quickly, like two or three hours, and others take longer. Of course, there are some that I'm still working on.
Fleet You mean like your Cary Grant? (laughs)
Rich (As Kirk Douglas) I heard that, junior. Another crack out of you, and I'll turn your head into a dimple. (growls)
Mildred Oh, I just love Burt Lancaster.
Rich I thought I was doing Cary Grant.
Mildred I know. But I just love Burt Lancaster.
Rich (As Burt Lancaster) Ha ha ha! You're very kind, miss, very kind. Perhaps after this interview we could go out together, have a little champagne supper. Ha ha ha.
Mildred Oh, I think I'm going to faint.
The Newsman catches her.
Newsman (grunts) Good grief! Listen, I must apologize for my colleagues here. From now on there will be no impressions. You can just answer in your own voice.
Rich Oh, that'll be fine.
Fleet Uh, are you doing your own voice now, or are you doing an impression of yourself?
Rich No, this is my own voice. I've never learned to do me.
Newsman Working with all the strange characters on this show must seem like a Marx Brothers movie.
Rich (As Groucho Marx) That's the nastiest thing I've heard. Why don't you put your teeth in backwards and bite yourself to death.
Mildred Has anyone ever objected to you impersonating him?
Rich (As Richard Nixon) Uh... well, of course, let me say this: To the best of my... to the best of my recollection, I don't think that anybody has ever objected to me impersonating them.
Fleet Tell me, Mr. Little, do you have your own favorite impression you like to do?
Rich (As Jimmy Stewart) Well, I, uh, like... Like to do Jimmy Stewart a lot, yeah, yep, yep. Jimmy Stewart is probably... probably my favorite actor.
Newsman One last question, Mr. Little. How does it feel to be on The Muppet Show with all those strange weird creatures?
Rich (As Vincent Price) Oh, I just adore the Muppets. They're... they're so cute and cuddly. I could just squeeze them all to death...
Sweetums, Timmy Monster, Gorgon Heap, and Mean Mama open the stage door and attack him from behind.

Chicken auditions

Gonzo is surrounded by chickens in the prop room.
Gonzo OK, everybody with Broadway experience, step forward.

Veterinarian's Hospital

In the operating room, Miss Piggy skeptically examines a tool before running to join the others at the table. The patient is Fozzie Bear.
Announcer And now Veterinarian's Hospital, the continuing story of a quack who's gone to the dogs.
Piggy Mm! Uh, Dr. Bob, Dr. Bob, are you ready for the next bear?
Rowlf Why, Nurse Piggy, I couldn't have a beer now. I'm about to operate.
Piggy No, not beer, bear.
Janice The next patient.
Rowlf Oh, why, so he is. What seems to be his trouble?
Janice He's a little hoarse.
Rowlf I thought you said he was a bear.
Piggy That's very funny, Dr. Bob.
Rowlf Yes, it is a little weird. Usually, you call a small horse a colt.
Janice But that's why he's a little hoarse.
Piggy He's got a colt in the head!
All laugh
Janice Oh wow...
Rowlf Hey, in that case, we must try to stabilize his condition.
Janice Oh, well how do we do that?
Rowlf Put him in the stable!
All laugh
Piggy Oh, but, Dr. Bob, we're supposed to operate.
Rowlf You're right. Hand me the saw.
Piggy Saw, Dr. Bob.
Janice Dr. Bob, even if he is a horse, should you be using a saw?
Rowlf What's the matter? You never heard of a saw horse?
All laugh, including Fozzie.
Announcer And so Dr. Bob has tuned to carpentry. Tune in next time when you will hear him say...
Rowlf (sawing into Fozzie) Say, I think this is a bear I'm operating on.
Piggy Why?
Rowlf Because I'm barely operating. (laughs)
Fozzie That was a very cutting remark. Aaaahhh!
Rowlf (laughs)


Kermit calls into the intercom by his desk.
Kermit OK, Scooter, let me know when he shows up, huh?
Janice and Rowlf exit the stage.
Kermit Nice going, guys, nice going.
Enter Gonzo.
Gonzo Hey, Kermit.
Kermit What?
Gonzo Where are you gonna put my chicken act in the show?
Kermit Well, Gonzo, I hate to break this news to you, but the dancing chicken act is out.
Gonzo But, Kermit, why?!
Kermit Why? Well, somehow, you see, kid, it doesn't fit into the general ambiance of sophistication and classic theater we try so hard to achieve around here. Sort of like our next act, Nureyev.
Scooter enters.
Scooter Say, Kermit?
Kermit Hm?
Scooter Nureyev just called and canceled out. One of his seals is sick. (leaves)
Gonzo Rudolf Nureyev has trained seals?
Kermit No. Adolph Nureyev does.
Gonzo Does this mean I can go on?
Kermit Well, OK, Gonzo. But this act better not lay an egg. (leaves)
Gonzo (gasps) Stardom is mine!

Chicken dance

Main stage. Kermit enters to the fanfare.
Kermit Uh, thank you, thank you. Uh, and now we have a very special treat for you. Uh, actually, it's the only act we've got. Ladies and gentlemen, the incomparable Gonzo and his dancing chicken, Lolita.
Statler Gonzo and a chicken?
Waldorf Why not? One chicken, one turkey.
Curtains open on Gonzo, with Lolita on a leash. "Tea for Two" plays.
Gonzo OK, come on, Lolita, dance... She makes it look easy, don't she?... A big finish. Here it goes.
Lolita doesn't move, but the audience of chickens applauds.
Waldorf Say, that Great Gonzo's pretty good.
Statler Good? Why, he's got 'em laying in the aisles!


Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit And now The Muppet Show takes pride in presenting scenes from the great Hollywood musical comedies of yesterday, as re-created today by our very special guest star, Mr. Rich Little!
Scenes from the Great Musical Comedies of Yesterday: Rich Little and the Muppets recreate scenes from Singin' in the RainGigi, and High Society. Rich performs "Singin' in the Rain" with Fozzie (impersonating Gene Kelly, Winston Churchill, and John Wayne), "Well Did You Evah?" with Kermit the Frog (impersonating Frank Sinatra and Bing Crosby), and "I Remember It Well" with Miss Piggy (impersonating Maurice Chevalier).
Rich (As Frank Sinatra) Old Blue Eyes is back.
Kermit Oh, yeah? Well, so's old Green Eyes.

Sing it, Bing.

Rich I can remember everything as if it were yesterday.
Piggy Oh, so can I, Maurice.


Kermit Well, that's about it for another one, folks. Let's thank our very special guest star, Mr. Rich Little! Yeah!
Rich joins Kermit onstage.
Rich Thank you. I've been backstage listening, and I've perfected another impression of a Muppet star.
Kermit Oh, yeah? Well, let's hear it.
Rich (chicken noises)
Gonzo rushes in.
Gonzo My kind of performer!
Kermit Will you cut that out? Hey, we'll see you all next time on The Muppet Show.
Gonzo leaves, ashamed. Mean Mama, Miss Piggy, Mildred, and Fozzie surround Rich as the credits roll.
Waldorf Ah, I never want to go through that again.
Statler What, the Muppet Show?
Waldorf No, the war of 1812!