Cold open[]
| Open on a KMUP special report. | |
| A. Ligator | Here with a KMUP newsbreak is correspondent Bernard Shaw. |
| Bernard Shaw | Good evening. International financier and media mogul, Ernst Stavros Grouper, chairman and CEO of the Grouper Group, has completed a leveraged buyout of Carni-Vore Industries. Grouper, the world's wealthiest one eyed fish, was unavailable for comment due to a rubber worm lodged in his throat. |
| Kermit and Clifford watch the news on a small TV backstage. | |
| Kermit | Carni-Vore Industries. That sounds familiar. |
| Clifford | They own that company. You know the one. |
| Kermit | Oh, yeah, the one that owns that TV show. |
| Clifford | What TV show is that? |
| They do a take. | |
| Kermit & Clifford | Ours! |
| Three cheerleaders enter, waving their pompoms and chanting. | |
| Cheerleaders | Grouper! Grouper! Give a shout! He's the guy who bought you out! Go-o-o Grouper! |
| Kermit | Uh, excuse me, but who are you? |
| Cheerleaders | We're the Corporate Raiderettes! |
| The brunette punches Kermit with her powderpuff, then Grouper enters with his bodyguard, Behemoth. | |
| Kermit | What did you do that for? |
| Brunette | This is a hostile makeover. |
| Grouper | No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! That's "takeover", you bubble head! |
| Brunette | Oh. |
| Grouper | Now get back to the limo. |
| Kermit and Clifford glance at the cheerleaders as they exit. | |
| Grouper | I don't know why I made them senior executive vice presidents. |
| Kermit & Clifford | Woof. |
| Grouper | (glances at them) Oh, now I remember. |
| Kermit | Uh, well, gee, Mr. Grouper, let me show you around our little –– |
| Grouper | Quiet, frog! From now on, I am in charge around here. And when I get done with this place, nothing will ever be the same! |
| He laughs out loud, then walks over to a hissing can of nitrous oxide. | |
| Grouper | Who put this laughing gas here? (laughs) |
| Kermit | I don't know! This is supposed to be a serious moment! (laughs) |
| Clifford | And here we are laughing! |
| They all laugh, including Behemoth. |
Theme[]
| Kermit opens the doors to the Muppet Theater. | |
| Kermit | It's Muppets Tonight, with our very special guest stars, Don Rickles and Coolio! YAAAYY! |
| He is immediately trampled by theater patrons. Clifford sings the theme song while wandering through the dressing room to the control room to the stage, as Jowls whistles. Clifford reaches the stage, goes to a wall and throws a switch which lights up the show's title. |
Backstage[]
| In Kermit's office, two movers walk away with a wall painting. | |
| Clifford | (frets) Uh, excuse me, but, but, but what are you doing to my office? |
| Grouper | It's not your office anymore. Now that I am in charge, there will be lots of changes, Virgil. |
| Kermit | Uh, my name is Kermit. |
| Grouper | That's one of the changes. From now on, you will be Virgil the Monkey. |
| Kermit | But I –– I'm not a monkey. |
| A beat. Grouper gets up from his chair and walks over to Kermit –– er, Virgil. | |
| Grouper | Trust me, Virgil. Focus groups like monkeys more than frogs. |
| Virgil | Well, I'd have to disagree with that. Uh ... |
| Grouper | (grabs Virgil) Really? Did you ever hear of Planet of the Frogs? |
| Virgil | Well ... |
| Grouper | "Froggy See, Froggy Do"? "Hey hey, we're the Froggees, people say we Froggee around"? (Virgil shakes his head) Ah. Muppets are not hip enough for today's audiences. |
| Clifford | Now, now, wait a minute, Grouper. We're hip. Our guest star this week is Coolio. (the audience applauds) Yeah, that's right, give it up. |
| Virgil | Yeah. |
| Clifford | Yeah, you can't get hipper than Coolio, man. |
| Grouper | What kind of sketches are you going to do with him? |
| Clifford | Well, we're taping one right now. |
| Virgil | Yeah, it's called "The Two Homies of Verona". |
| Clifford | Let's watch, shall we? |
| They walk over to the TV monitor and watch the sketch, in which Gonzo acts alongside Coolio in a Shakespearean castle setting. The two look out the window as galloping noises are heard. | |
| Coolio | Make haste, homie! |
| Gonzo | What ho! |
| Coolio | A rival gang of archers draweth nigh! |
| Gonzo | 'Tis a gallop-by! Cover thyself! |
| They duck. An arrow hits the window. | |
| Coolio | Yoeth! ... Chilleth out! I prithee thine actions will reveal, thou art wack! |
| Gonzo | Yea, verily wack! |
| They do their handshake. | |
| Coolio | One time. |
| Gonzo | Yea. |
| Clifford | Man, that's funny, isn't it? |
| Grouper | This is trash! |
| Clifford | What? |
| Grouper | There is only one way I can see to improve it, and that's not to see it at all. Behemoth? |
| Behemoth covers Grouper's other eye with another patch. | |
| Grouper | Ah. There, that's much better. (laughs) |
| Virgil | Well, that's not very nice, Grouper. |
| Grouper | No, this is not very nice. Behemoth, intimidate them! |
| Behemoth grabs Virgil and Clifford and starts manhandling them. Grouper laughs. | |
| Grouper | Enough, enough! Now I will show you what hip is! |
| Blinded, he bumps into a ladder with a paint can. | |
| Grouper | Here is a trailer for a movie I am producing. Let's watch, shall we? |
| Behemoth turns him in the right direction toward the TV monitor. | |
| Grouper | Thank you. |
| They all watch the monitor... |
Trailer: Enter the Chowder[]
| Title graphics read "Grouper Group Pictures Presents". Text appears, intercut with shots of Mr. van Clamme in a dark alley. | |
| A. Ligator | (reading the text) You've seen him baked. |
| Van Clamme | Ouch. |
| A. Ligator | (reading the text) You've seen him breaded... |
| Mr. van Clamme punches a thug. He walks away, then takes his kung-fu stance. | |
| A. Ligator | Now he's back, and he is –– steamed! |
| Mr. van Clamme faces two thugs, one of whom whacks him with a board when he's not looking. | |
| A. Ligator | Jean Dodd van Clamme takes on New York in Enter the Chowder: Manhattan Style. You will see red! |
| Thug (KC) | Who are you? |
| Van Clamme | I am your worst anemone. |
| Another thug comes at him with a bat, but van Clamme punches him. Switch to a bedroom love scene, where Spamela lays on a bed wearing a teddy. | |
| Spamela | I love you, Jean Dodd. |
| Van Clamme | I've got something here that I want to give to you. |
| Spamela | What? |
| Van Clamme | These. |
| He throws her a pearl necklace from his mouth. | |
| Spamela | Pearls? But –– you're not an oyster. |
| Van Clamme | Well, you're a talking pig, so let's not get technical. |
| Switch back to the fight scene. Van Clamme takes out five thugs, including a goat, a penguin and a squid. | |
| A. Ligator | See Enter the Chowder: Manhattan Style, and you too will say, "Wham, bam, thank you, van Clamme!" |
| A card reads "COMING SOON". | |
| Van Clamme | Sorry, boys. Life's a bisque. |
| The trailer plays on a TV monitor in a bar, where Statler and Waldorf watch. | |
| Statler | Hmm, I'd give that movie four stars. |
| Waldorf | And why is that? |
| Statler | Because the two that are in it now stink! |
| They chuckle, then address the pig bartender. | |
| Statler | Oh, hey, bartender. More pigs' knuckles. |
| Bartender | OK, coming right up. |
| He spits on his fist, then punches Statler. | |
| Waldorf | Uh ... I'll just have the pickled egg. |
| Bartender | Okay. |
| He produces a tipsy, talking egg. | |
| Pickled egg | I love you two old guys. Whoa! (falls back) |
| Statler | Poor guy cracked up. |
| They chuckle. |
Backstage[]
| Virgil and Grouper address the gang in the control room. Virgil is dressed as a bellhop. | |
| Virgil | Uh, hi-ho, everyone. Kermit the Fr–– |
| Grouper | Ahem. |
| Virgil | Uh ... I mean, I mean, Virgil the Monkey here. |
| Grouper | Make the noise. |
| Virgil reluctantly makes monkey noises. Grouper laughs. | |
| Grouper | (aside to Behemoth) I love this little monkey. (Behemoth laughs) |
| Virgil | Uh, anyway, everybody, uh, I want to introduce you to the new owner of our station, Mr. Ernst Stavros Grouper. |
| Bill | The –– the new owner? Wha... |
| Grouper | Now, as your new owner, I want to get to know each and every one of you by name. Who are you? |
| Rizzo | Well, I'm Rizzo, the rat. |
| Grouper | Not anymore. Now you're Alfred the Worm. |
| Rizzo | What the? |
| Grouper | And you. Who are you? |
| Bobo | Uh, I'm Bobo the Bear. |
| Grouper | Not anymore. Now, you're Whipley Nibbles, the Television Elf. |
| Bobo | (shrugs) Alright. |
| Grouper | And uh, let's see, who –– who are you? |
| Bill | Well, I'm uh ... Bob. And uh, raisins come out of my ears. |
| Grouper | No, now you're Bill, and bubbles come out of your head. |
| Bill | It worked! Yes! (blows bubbles) |
| Grouper | Now, now, now, there will be a few more changes. Number one, yellow will now be known as the official color of naughtiness. Number two, I expect you all to anticipate my needs before they are spoken. |
| Rizzo | Number three? |
| Grouper | Oh, very good, Alfred, my obsequious little worm. |
| Rizzo | Thank you. |
Canteen[]
| Coolie sits in the canteen with Beaker. Chefs Seymour and Pepe come out and greet Coolio. | |
| Pepe | Hey, hey, Coolio! |
| Seymour | Hey, hey! |
| Pepe | You're our favorite rapper, okay? |
| Seymour | Yeah, yeah, yeah. We think you're the Coolio-est. |
| Pepe | (laughs) We're just wondering if you could show us how to become a cool rapper like you. |
| Seymour | Yeah. |
| Coolio | Oh, so, like uh, you guys want to be bad, huh? |
| Seymour | No, no, no, no, no. We're already bad. We want to be good. |
| Coolio | All right. Uh, let's see what you got. Beaker? |
| Beaker | (meeps) |
| Coolio | Help me out here, man, and keep the beat. |
| Seymour | Oh, good. |
| Pepe | Well, that's good. |
| Beaker meeps a beat. | |
| Seymour | I'm Seymour. |
| Pepe | I'm Pepe. |
| Both | We're two of a kind. |
| Pepe | I'm a little bit forward. |
| Seymour | And I've got a big behind. |
| Both | Ta-da! |
| Coolio | First of all, never, ever, ever end the rap with "ta-da!" |
| Pepe | Really. |
| Seymour | Oh, thank you. You've helped us so very much. (almost walks away) |
| Coolio | Wait a minute. |
| Seymour | Hmm? |
| Coolio | I'm not done. Now, instead of saying, uh, "I'm a little bit forward ", try saying, uh, –– "I kick flavor like Pele". |
| Pepe | Uh-oh, flavor, flavor, no, no, no, no. You see, I'm a prawn. If people think I got flavor, they're going to dip me in cocktail sauce, okay. |
| Coolio | Okay, never mind. Alright, Seymour, let's take your line now. "I've got a big behind" –– a rapper would actually say, uh ... "I got back". |
| Seymour | Back from where? Oh, did you take a trip? |
| Pepe | Ooh, did you take any pictures? |
| Seymour | Yeah. Yeah. |
| Coolio | (sigh) Alright, alright. Let's not deal with the lyrics, okay? Rap is all about attitude. It's about how you feel. |
| Seymour and Pepe nod. | |
| Seymour | I feel hungry. |
| Coolio | Oh, alright, that's good. But, but how do you feel, like –– what makes you angry? |
| Seymour | Right. Let's see. I get angry when when I don't eat. |
| Pepe | This is true. |
| Coolio | Okay. I'm sensing a theme here. Okay. Pepe, how do you feel? |
| Pepe | Well, I have these antenna, and they help me to get around by, by feeling things, you see. |
| Coolio | No, no, no, no, no, no. I mean, how do you feel about life? |
| Pepe | (gasp) ... I like life. It's a good cereal. |
| Seymour | Mmm. |
| Pepe | Yes, especially the cinnamon, okay. |
| Seymour | Mm-mm-mm! Cereal, that makes me hungry. |
| Pepe | Yeah. |
| Coolio | Maybe we should go back to the lyrics. |
| Both | Okay. |
Backstage[]
| Grouper continues listing changes. | |
| Grouper | Number 36, we will be downsizing the staff. |
| The other Muppets cheer. | |
| Grouper | You fools! That means I'll be firing people. |
| The other Muppets stop cheering. | |
| Grouper | Okay, now everyone, back to work. And don't forget, the company picnic is in two weeks. |
| Virgil | Wait a minute, Mr. Grouper. You can't just tell us you're going to fire someone and then expect us to go back to work. You're destroying morale. |
| Grouper | Quiet. I know what to do. I anticipated this sadness. So I brought in my own staff psychologist to boost morale. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Don Rickles! |
| Don enters through the doors to applause. | |
| Don Rickles | Thank you, Fishface. |
| Grouper | (laughs) He makes me laugh. |
| He laughs, then exits with Behemoth. The Muppets sheepishly greet Don. | |
| Gonzo | Hi there. |
| Don Rickles | How you doing, guys? I'm here to help all of ya. |
| Gonzo | Fine, doctor. |
| Don Rickles | I've never worked with aliens before. (Rizzo laughs) Don't get so close. I don't need what you have. |
| Virgil | (to Clifford) This is supposed to boost morale? |
| Don Rickles | It's party time! |
| Clifford | I feel like I've been Sigmund Fried. |
| Virgil | I'm going to go have a talk with Mr. Grouper. (exits) |
| Don Rickles | Whaddya say? We're gonna have a good time. I tell you the truth, this is great. (to Bobo) This guy. Snap out of it, huh? I spoke to the state hospital. You're OK. You're well. (to Rizzo and Gonzo) You're all happy guys. Happy guys! Now get out of my life! Get on with your life! (the Muppets disperse) Have a good time, guys. Enjoy! It's America! We're having a wonderful time! The Muppets are back! Happy New Year! I need a girl! I need anything! Get me a monkey! Somebody help me! (sobs) I don't want to be on this! I want to go home! |
| In Grouper's office, he looks over some papers as Virgil enters. | |
| Grouper | No ... no. Mm hmm. No ... no ... no. |
| Virgil | Uh, Mr. Grouper. |
| Grouper | Yeah, yes, my little funky monkey? |
| Virgil | (scowls) I am a frog. I am not a monkey! |
| Grouper | Yes. And the Elephant Man is a human being. What else is new? |
| Virgil | Well, I'll tell you what's new, Grouper. Uh, just because you bought the company, it does not give you the right to come in here and push the Muppets around. |
| A beat. Grouper gets out of his chair and charges at Virgil. | |
| Grouper | What are you saying, Virgil? |
| Virgil | I'll tell you what I'm saying, Grouper. If the Muppets can't be who the Muppets are ... then I quit, Grouper, I quit! Quit! Quit! Quit! |
| Grouper | Oh, Virgil, my spunky little funky monkey. You cannot quit. |
| Virgil | Oh, yeah? Why is that? |
| Grouper | BECAUSE YOU'RE FIRED! |
| He laughs, walking over to the gas container. | |
| Grouper | Oh, who keeps leaving this laughing gas here? |
| Virgil | (laughing) I don't know! I'm fired! Oh dear! |
| Rizzo pops up, wearing a nose guard. | |
| Rizzo | Hey, it keeps them happy. |
| They all laugh, including Behemoth. |
Real World[]
| The opening montage plays as each Muppet narrates. | |
| Clifford | (VO, seen sleeping in bed) This is the true story of five Muppets ... |
| Bobo | (VO, seen shaving in front of a mirror) Picked to live in a house ... |
| Darci | (VO, seen playing the guitar) And have their lives taped ... |
| Bill | (VO, seen blowing bubbles) To find out what happens ... |
| Rizzo | (VO, seen eating pizza) When Muppets stop being polite and start being real. The Real World: Muppets. |
| The confessional... | |
| Clifford | Lately, I've been feeling a little claustrophobic. Like I don't have enough privacy. |
| The bathroom. Clifford reads the comics in the tub, laughing, when Bobo stumbles in. | |
| Bobo | Ooh, ooh, oh, oh, don't mind me, Chief. I'm just playing through here. |
| Clifford | Hey, Bobo, get out of here, man. I'm in the tub. |
| Bobo | Oh, I know. I'm just changin' the ol' contact-a-roonies, y'know. (looks over his shoulder) Oh, you're reading the funnies, huh? Oh, I love Garfield. Yeah, yesterday he tricked Odie into eating an entire lasagna. (chuckles) |
| Bill | Good morning, Clifford. |
| Bobo | Good morning, Bill. |
| Clifford | Bill, what do you want? |
| Bill | Oh, don't mind me. I'm just here to floss my bubble hole. |
| Clifford | That's more than I wanted to know. |
| Bobo | Bill, Bill, look, look in the paper there. |
| Bill | What's that, what, what? |
| Bobo | Garfield tricked that dopey dog again. (laughs) |
| Bill | Oh, yeah. Yeah. (laughs) |
| Bill and Bobo continue their conversation, as Rizzo pops up in the tub. | |
| Rizzo | Hey, Clifford, could you hand me the flea dip? I'm having a lot of trouble getting rid of the little guys. |
| Clifford | Rizzo, where did you come from? |
| Rizzo | Well, if you really want to know, when a mommy rat and a daddy rat and love one another, they –– |
| Clifford shoves him down. Darci enters wearing a shower cap and robe. | |
| Bobo | Oh, good morning. |
| Darci | This is so great! All you men getting together for an aromatherapy bath. |
| Bill | Is she for real? |
| Bobo | (shrugs) |
| Darci | What essential oils are you using? |
| Rizzo | Uh, Guenther's Flea and Tick Death, essentially. |
| Bobo | You mean that stuff gets rid of ticks too? |
| Rizzo | You betcha, big guy. |
| Bobo | I'm getting in there, little guy. (tries to get in) |
| Rizzo | Oh, hey, wait a minute –– |
| Clifford | (to camera) Kill me now. |
| Rizzo and Clifford scream as Bobo squeezes into the tub. Switch to the confessional. | |
| Clifford | This is really getting out of hand. I never have a moment alone. |
| Bill | That's right. He is starting to get highly edgy. |
| Clifford | Will you get out of here, man? This is my confessional! |
| Bill | Sorry, Mr. Edgy. (leaves) |
| Night. Clifford sleeps in his bed, when he notices Rizzo sleeping next to him. | |
| Rizzo | Hey, watch it, horsie-head! Ohh. |
| Clifford | Rizzo, get out of my bed! |
| Rizzo | B-but the heater's busted and you're the only guy with an electric blanket and I am freezing! Now move over! |
| Bobo knocks the door down. | |
| Clifford | Hey! |
| Bobo | Oh, boy, it's dark in here. Turn the light on ... (flicks the switch) Hi guys! |
| Clifford | Bobo! |
| Rizzo | Uh hi, Bobo. |
| Bobo | Hey, what are you guys doing? Do you mind if I get in there with you - you know, the heater's busted. |
| Clifford | Yeah. Yeah, we know. |
| Rizzo | Come on! |
| Bill | (enters with a pillow) Hi, fellas. |
| Rizzo & Bobo | Hiya, Bill! |
| Bill | Hey, you know, I just couldn't sleep. |
| Clifford | Is it because the heater's broken? |
| Bill | No, it's because I have an impacted bubble in my head. Hey, you wanna tell ghost stories? (gets into bed with them) |
| Rizzo & Bobo | Yeah, yeah! |
| Clifford | No, no, no! |
| Darci | (enters with a pillow) Hi, guys. |
| Rizzo, Bobo, Bill | Hi, Darci! |
| Darci | Mind if I join you? I'm having a bad night. The world is DARK and COLD! |
| Rizzo | Oh, well, that's because it's uh, it's nighttime and the heater's busted. (laughs) |
| Darci | So who wants to watch Molly Dodd reruns on Lifetime? |
| Clifford | Not me, not me. |
| Bobo | Oh no, no, no, I got a better idea! |
| Rizzo | What? |
| Bobo | PILLOW FIGHT!! |
| Clifford | No, no! |
| They start batting each other with pillows as Clifford writhes. | |
| Clifford | Stop it! |
| The confessional... | |
| Clifford | I decided to take matters into my own hands. |
| The dinner table. Clifford serves everyone bowls of what looks to be nuclear waste. | |
| Bobo | Boy, Clifford, uh, sure is nice of you to cook dinner for us tonight. |
| Rizzo | Oh, yeah, this soup is delicious and it glows. Ha ha. |
| Darci | Mmm - what's that unusual flavor? Tarragon, fennel? |
| Bill | (slurp) Turmeric? |
| Clifford | Nah, it's a little something I picked up from the Department of Defense. |
| Bill | Whoa, lookie, I can see right through my hand. |
| Rizzo | Yeah, me too. |
| Darci | Me too ... |
| Bobo | Whoa, look at that. |
| They all look at their hands. Music button. |
Backstage[]
| Grouper rushes into the control room. | |
| Grouper | Where is everybody? |
| Nigel | Oh, they're organizing a coup to overthrow your tyrannical regime. |
| Grouper | Wha? |
| Nigel | I mean –– (chortles) –– they're knitting you an eyepatch-cosy. |
| Grouper | Oh, that's nice. So, what can we put on the air, Nigel? |
| Nigel | (throws a fit)I have NOTHING to put on the air! You understand? NOTHING! I'VE GOT NOTHING! NO CREW, NO NOTHING! HOW COULD I POSSIBLY PUT TOGETHER A SHOW WITH NOTHING –– oh, look! Here's a tape of the first time that Coolio appeared with the Muppets. |
| Grouper | Good! Give me that! I'll do it myself. |
| He grabs the tape and rushes to home base, facing the audience. | |
| Grouper | Oh, hello! I didn't see you standing there. Ha, ha, ha. Did you know that Coolio made his first TV appearance with the Muppets back in 1987 on Muppet Star Search? (pause) Well, he did! Uh –– let's uh, let's roll the tape, shall we? (realizes he's holding it) Ooh, that's me! |
| He rushes over to the VCR and inserts the tape. |
Muppet Star Search[]
| Open on Ed McMahon, emceeing the show. | |
| Ed McMahon | Our next contestants are two young men who have a rather unusual name. They call themselves Chilli Manilli. |
| Coolio and Clifford, both sporting long dreadlocks, take the stage, performing "Baby Don't Forget My Number" – but the record skips, revealing that they've been lip-synching. | |
| Ed McMahon | Hey, hey. Are you guys lip-synching? |
| Coolio | Nah - we ain't lip-synching, fool! |
| Clifford | Yeah! Don't make me come over there and smack you, Ed! |
| Ed McMahon | Relax, guys. It's only a television show. |
| Coolio | (to Clifford) Man, I told you this was a stupid idea. Kill the music! (the music cuts off) Look, man, I'm not doing this anymore, man. I'm goin' solo. |
| Clifford | What are you gonna do? You don't sing. |
| Coolio | Maybe I'll just talk the words with some sort of rhythmic cadence. |
| Clifford | Oh, yeah? And what you gon' call it? |
| Ed McMahon | OK. That's –– that's a wrap! (walks off) |
| Coolio | (snaps fingers) Rap! That's it! |
| Clifford | What? You're gonna call it "wrap music"? (laughs) |
| Coolio | (strangles Clifford) No, I'ma wrap my hands around your throat for talkin' me into this! |
| Coolio exits. Clifford, noticing the crowd, desperately tries to finish the song. |
Closet / Unemployment Office[]
| Grouper passes by the closet. Clifford peeks through the door of the closet, where he and the other Muppets are hiding. | |
| Clifford | (whispers) All right. Here's the deal. Grouper's gotten way out of hand. We gotta get Kermit back. |
| Rizzo | Yeah, yeah, yeah. |
| Clifford notices Behemoth among the group. | |
| Clifford | Hey, what are you doing here? |
| Behemoth | I'm with you guys. |
| Rizzo | Shhh! |
| Clifford | But you work for Grouper. Here's a fish gone bad. |
| Behemoth | He may be evil, but he's got an excellent dental plan. |
| The others chuckle. | |
| Gonzo | I say we should all stick together, hmm? |
| Rizzo | Yes. |
| Clifford | All right. Everyone who agrees we should stand up to Grouper, take one step forward. |
| They all step forward, nearly suffocating him in the small space. | |
| Clifford | (muffled) Take a step back! Take a step back! |
| They back up. | |
| Gonzo | Sorry, sorry. |
| Rizzo | Sorry. |
| Clifford | Then it's unanimous. I just wish we could do something to help Kermit. |
| Rizzo | Hey, don't worry about Kermit. If I know him, he's relaxing swampside, cooking up some multi-million dollar deal to buy the station back. (nudges Pepe) Huh? Huh? Huh? |
| The others nod in agreement. Meanwhile, Virgil is next in line at the unemployment office, behind an actor. | |
| Officer (Fred Willard) | Well, with your resume and experience, the only thing I have available is a 22-episode commitment with NBC. |
| Actor (BB) | Is it Must See TV™? |
| Officer (Fred Willard) | Yes. |
| Actor (BB) | (shrugs) I'll take it. |
| Officer (Fred Willard) | (hands him the contract) Sorry. |
| The actor exits. | |
| Virgil | Uh, excuse me, I'll take one of those big network deals, too. |
| Officer (Fred Willard) | Too bad, all the big networks are full. |
| Virgil | Well, what about the "dubba-dubba-WB"? |
| Officer (Fred Willard) | They've already got a frog. |
| Virgil | (sighs, then perks up) Hey, do they need a monkey? |
| He acts like one, until the officer gives him a blank look. | |
| Officer (Fred Willard) | Next. (to Virgil) Thank you. (to line) Step lively, please. |
| Virgil exits in defeat. |
Backstage[]
| Grouper watches "Tales from the Vet" on a TV monitor, when Don Rickles addresses him. | |
| Don Rickles | Hey, Mr. Limpet! |
| Grouper | Huh? (walks over to him) |
| Don Rickles | I did what you said. I talked to your happy little Smurf friends. |
| Grouper | Mm-hmm. |
| Don Rickles | So now give me my check, huh, so I can get back to my wife. |
| Grouper | Uh-uh –– slow down, my bald and irritating friend. Do we still have a show to put on? |
| Don Rickles | You fired the frog, remember? Without Kermit, you don't have a show. |
| Grouper | Not true. I have you, I have Coolio, and I have a plan. (laughs) |
| Main stage, moments later. Don, dressed as Kermit, plays a banjo and tries to sing "Bein' Green", but stops abruptly. | |
| Don Rickles | And then –– all right. That's enough singing. This stuff isn't working. Sorry, Grouper. Sorry. No dental plan is worth this. I'm outta here! I gotta get a good job! They ruined my career with this, with Muppets! |
| Grouper | (rushes over) No, Don, don't go –– |
| Don Rickles | I don't need you, you dummy! Look at you! You must have come out of your mother and hit the wall! (exits) |
| Grouper | (stammers) If you walk out now, you ... Don? |
| Statler and Waldorf watch this going down on the bar TV. | |
| Statler | (nods) Hmm. Now I've seen everything. |
| Waldorf | Good. Does that mean we can stop watching? |
| They chuckle, then notice a familiar frog behind the bar. | |
| Statler | Hey, bartender, didn't you used to be...? |
| Kermit | Well, yeah, but a guy's gotta work, you know. |
| Waldorf | Not if he's smart, he doesn't. |
| They chuckle. |
Urkelo and the Macademia[]
| Meanwhile, back on the set, Grouper laughs nervously on camera. | |
| Grouper | Hello! Heh. And now it's time for Muppet Dance Party, with me, Grouper, and our special guest, star of Family Matters, Steve Urkelo. |
| As dance music plays, Coolio emerges, dressed as Urkel. | |
| Grouper | Oh, oh, oh! Here comes Steve Urkelo! (laughs) Uh, let's Macadamia. |
| Coolio | Don't you mean Macarena? |
| Grouper | Oh, no, no. I couldn't afford the rights. I wrote this one myself. Now, shake your booty, Steve Urkelo! |
| He and Coolio dance, until Coolio bumps into a fruit cart. Grouper laughs. | |
| Coolio | "Did I do that?" |
| Grouper | Oh, yes. And if you do it again, there'll be no snacks for you, Steve Urkelo. (laughs) |
| Coolio | (drops the Urkel persona) Wait a minute, man. |
| Grouper | Huh? |
| Coolio | This Urkelo thing is stupid. |
| Grouper | (flustered) I'm not –– not paying for your opinion! |
| Coolio | I'm outta here. (leaves) |
| Grouper | No! No, wait, the –– |
Grouper showdown / "1,2,3,4 (Sumpin' New)"[]
| Coolio enters the control room and takes off his Urkel look; Grouper chases after him. | |
| Grouper | Coolio! No, no! You don't understand! Steve Urkel and my Macarena knockoff test very high in the market research! |
| The Muppets peer out of the closet. | |
| Coolio | Yeah, yeah, well, market research don't know everything. The best thing for the show to do is to let me do what I do, and let the Muppets do what they do. |
| Grouper | Bu-bu-but, the Muppets are not HIP like you are! |
| Coolio | See, now that's where you got it all wrong. Hip is not what you do. It's how you do it. |
| Pepe | You want to see hip? We'll show you hip! |
| A Muppet music video begins of “1, 2, 3, 4 (Sumpin' New)”. | |
| Pepe |
♪ Uno, dos, tres, cuatro, |
| Coolio | Here we go! ♪ One, two, three, four. |
| Clifford & Seymour | ♪ One, two, three, four. |
| Gonzo | ♪ Get your woman on the floor! |
| Pepe & Rizzo |
♪ Gotta-gotta get up to get down! |
| Coolio | Here we go! |
| Muppets |
♪ One, two, three, four. |
| Pepe | He's Seymour. |
| Seymour | He's Pepe. |
| Both | And though we seem wack –– |
| Seymour | Pepe kicks flavor like Pele. |
| Pepe | Seymour got back. |
| Seymour | We're hip, we're hop, side by side. |
| Pepe | And they're jockin' my antenna, from here to Atlanta! |
| Seymour | Yeah! |
| Muppets |
♪ One, two, three, four. |
| Coolio | Now somebody, anybody, everybody, SCREAM! |
| They all scream as the song ends. Applause. | |
| Coolio | Now you see, salmon breath. That's hip. |
| Rizzo | Yeah. |
| Grouper | All right, all right, maybe I was wrong. The Muppets can be … alright, I want you all to go back to work! Let's go, let's go. |
| The gang starts to corner him. | |
| Clifford | Uh-uh. No way, no way. Only if you beg Kermit to come back. |
| Grouper | Buh - but I can't have him come back without proper focus group testing! |
| Clifford | Oh, I got your focus group, alright. Everyone that wants Kermit to come back, take one step forward. |
| They all step forward, squishing Grouper against the wall. | |
| Grouper | Alright! Alright! Alright! (they release him) I see your point. (exits through the doors) 'Scuse me, 'scuse me. Camera three! |
| The gang cheers. Grouper rushes to the stage and addresses the camera. | |
| Grouper | Kermit, come back now. Please. |
| Outside, Virgil sees him on a stack of department store TVs. He approaches his organ grinder, Don Rickles. | |
| Virgil | Hey! Hey, did you hear that? I got my old job back! |
| Don Rickles | Not until 8 PM ya don't. Now dance, Virgil, dance! |
| He dances and hoots as Don grinds the organ. A passer-by puts a coin in the cup. | |
| Don Rickles | Oh, thanks, a million, fella. (to Virgil) You've got enough money to get somewhere … |
| The credits roll. Outtakes are shown of Don with the Muppets, the pickled egg in the bar, Don and Grouper, and Don and Nigel. |