Episode 205: Coolio & Don Rickles/transcript

Cold open

	Open on a KMUP special report.
A. Ligator	Here with a KMUP newsbreak is correspondent Bernard Shaw.
Bernard Shaw	Good evening. International financier and media mogul, Ernst Stavros Grouper, chairman and CEO of the Grouper Group, has completed a leveraged buyout of Carni-Vore Industries. Grouper, the world's wealthiest one eyed fish, was unavailable for comment due to a rubber worm lodged in his throat.
	Kermit and Clifford watch the news on a small TV backstage.
Kermit	Carni-Vore Industries. That sounds familiar.
Clifford	They own that company. You know the one.
Kermit	Oh, yeah, the one that owns that TV show.
Clifford	What TV show is that?
	They do a take.
Kermit & Clifford	Ours!
	Three cheerleaders enter, waving their pompoms and chanting.
Cheerleaders	Grouper! Grouper! Give a shout! He's the guy who bought you out! Go-o-o Grouper!
Kermit	Uh, excuse me, but who are you?
Cheerleaders	We're the Corporate Raiderettes!
	The brunette punches Kermit with her powderpuff, then Grouper enters with his bodyguard, Behemoth.
Kermit	What did you do that for?
Brunette	This is a hostile makeover.
Grouper	No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! That's "takeover", you bubble head!
Brunette	Oh.
Grouper	Now get back to the limo.
	Kermit and Clifford glance at the cheerleaders as they exit.
Grouper	I don't know why I made them senior executive vice presidents.
Kermit & Clifford	Woof.
Grouper	(glances at them) Oh, now I remember.
Kermit	Uh, well, gee, Mr. Grouper, let me show you around our little ––
Grouper	Quiet, frog! From now on, I am in charge around here. And when I get done with this place, nothing will ever be the same!
	He laughs out loud, then walks over to a hissing can of nitrous oxide.
Grouper	Who put this laughing gas here? (laughs)
Kermit	I don't know! This is supposed to be a serious moment! (laughs)
Clifford	And here we are laughing!
	They all laugh, including Behemoth.

Theme

	Kermit opens the doors to the Muppet Theater.
Kermit	It's Muppets Tonight, with our very special guest stars, Don Rickles and Coolio! YAAAYY!
	He is immediately trampled by theater patrons. Clifford sings the theme song while wandering through the dressing room to the control room to the stage, as Jowls whistles. Clifford reaches the stage, goes to a wall and throws a switch which lights up the show's title.

Backstage

	In Kermit's office, two movers walk away with a wall painting.
Clifford	(frets) Uh, excuse me, but, but, but what are you doing to my office?
Grouper	It's not your office anymore. Now that I am in charge, there will be lots of changes, Virgil.
Kermit	Uh, my name is Kermit.
Grouper	That's one of the changes. From now on, you will be Virgil the Monkey.
Kermit	But I –– I'm not a monkey.
	A beat. Grouper gets up from his chair and walks over to Kermit –– er, Virgil.
Grouper	Trust me, Virgil. Focus groups like monkeys more than frogs.
Virgil	Well, I'd have to disagree with that. Uh ...
Grouper	(grabs Virgil) Really? Did you ever hear of Planet of the Frogs?
Virgil	Well ...
Grouper	"Froggy See, Froggy Do"? "Hey hey, we're the Froggees, people say we Froggee around"? (Virgil shakes his head) Ah. Muppets are not hip enough for today's audiences.
Clifford	Now, now, wait a minute, Grouper. We're hip. Our guest star this week is Coolio. (the audience applauds) Yeah, that's right, give it up.
Virgil	Yeah.
Clifford	Yeah, you can't get hipper than Coolio, man.
Grouper	What kind of sketches are you going to do with him?
Clifford	Well, we're taping one right now.
Virgil	Yeah, it's called "The Two Homies of Verona".
Clifford	Let's watch, shall we?
	They walk over to the TV monitor and watch the sketch, in which Gonzo acts alongside Coolio in a Shakespearean castle setting. The two look out the window as galloping noises are heard.
Coolio	Make haste, homie!
Gonzo	What ho!
Coolio	A rival gang of archers draweth nigh!
Gonzo	'Tis a gallop-by! Cover thyself!
	They duck. An arrow hits the window.
Coolio	Yoeth! ... Chilleth out! I prithee thine actions will reveal, thou art wack!
Gonzo	Yea, verily wack!
	They do their handshake.
Coolio	One time.
Gonzo	Yea.
Clifford	Man, that's funny, isn't it?
Grouper	This is trash!
Clifford	What?
Grouper	There is only one way I can see to improve it, and that's not to see it at all. Behemoth?
	Behemoth covers Grouper's other eye with another patch.
Grouper	Ah. There, that's much better. (laughs)
Virgil	Well, that's not very nice, Grouper.
Grouper	No, this is not very nice. Behemoth, intimidate them!
	Behemoth grabs Virgil and Clifford and starts manhandling them. Grouper laughs.
Grouper	Enough, enough! Now I will show you what hip is!
	Blinded, he bumps into a ladder with a paint can.
Grouper	Here is a trailer for a movie I am producing. Let's watch, shall we?
	Behemoth turns him in the right direction toward the TV monitor.
Grouper	Thank you.
	They all watch the monitor...

Trailer: Enter the Chowder

	Title graphics read "Grouper Group Pictures Presents". Text appears, intercut with shots of Mr. van Clamme in a dark alley.
A. Ligator	(reading the text) You've seen him baked.
Van Clamme	Ouch.
A. Ligator	(reading the text) You've seen him breaded...
	Mr. van Clamme punches a thug. He walks away, then takes his kung-fu stance.
A. Ligator	Now he's back, and he is –– steamed!
	Mr. van Clamme faces two thugs, one of whom whacks him with a board when he's not looking.
A. Ligator	Jean Dodd van Clamme takes on New York in Enter the Chowder: Manhattan Style. You will see red!
Thug (KC)	Who are you?
Van Clamme	I am your worst anemone.
	Another thug comes at him with a bat, but van Clamme punches him. Switch to a bedroom love scene, where Spamela lays on a bed wearing a teddy.
Spamela	I love you, Jean Dodd.
Van Clamme	I've got something here that I want to give to you.
Spamela	What?
Van Clamme	These.
	He throws her a pearl necklace from his mouth.
Spamela	Pearls? But –– you're not an oyster.
Van Clamme	Well, you're a talking pig, so let's not get technical.
	Switch back to the fight scene. Van Clamme takes out five thugs, including a goat, a penguin and a squid.
A. Ligator	See Enter the Chowder: Manhattan Style, and you too will say, "Wham, bam, thank you, van Clamme!"
	A card reads "COMING SOON".
Van Clamme	Sorry, boys. Life's a bisque.
	The trailer plays on a TV monitor in a bar, where Statler and Waldorf watch.
Statler	Hmm, I'd give that movie four stars.
Waldorf	And why is that?
Statler	Because the two that are in it now stink!
	They chuckle, then address the pig bartender.
Statler	Oh, hey, bartender. More pigs' knuckles.
Bartender	OK, coming right up.
	He spits on his fist, then punches Statler.
Waldorf	Uh ... I'll just have the pickled egg.
Bartender	Okay.
	He produces a tipsy, talking egg.
Pickled egg	I love you two old guys. Whoa! (falls back)
Statler	Poor guy cracked up.
	They chuckle.

Backstage

	Virgil and Grouper address the gang in the control room. Virgil is dressed as a bellhop.
Virgil	Uh, hi-ho, everyone. Kermit the Fr––
Grouper	Ahem.
Virgil	Uh ... I mean, I mean, Virgil the Monkey here.
Grouper	Make the noise.
	Virgil reluctantly makes monkey noises. Grouper laughs.
Grouper	(aside to Behemoth) I love this little monkey. (Behemoth laughs)
Virgil	Uh, anyway, everybody, uh, I want to introduce you to the new owner of our station, Mr. Ernst Stavros Grouper.
Bill	The –– the new owner? Wha...
Grouper	Now, as your new owner, I want to get to know each and every one of you by name. Who are you?
Rizzo	Well, I'm Rizzo, the rat.
Grouper	Not anymore. Now you're Alfred the Worm.
Rizzo	What the?
Grouper	And you. Who are you?
Bobo	Uh, I'm Bobo the Bear.
Grouper	Not anymore. Now, you're Whipley Nibbles, the Television Elf.
Bobo	(shrugs) Alright.
Grouper	And uh, let's see, who –– who are you?
Bill	Well, I'm uh ... Bob. And uh, raisins come out of my ears.
Grouper	No, now you're Bill, and bubbles come out of your head.
Bill	It worked! Yes! (blows bubbles)
Grouper	Now, now, now, there will be a few more changes. Number one, yellow will now be known as the official color of naughtiness. Number two, I expect you all to anticipate my needs before they are spoken.
Rizzo	Number three?
Grouper	Oh, very good, Alfred, my obsequious little worm.
Rizzo	Thank you.

Canteen

	Coolie sits in the canteen with Beaker. Chefs Seymour and Pepe come out and greet Coolio.
Pepe	Hey, hey, Coolio!
Seymour	Hey, hey!
Pepe	You're our favorite rapper, okay?
Seymour	Yeah, yeah, yeah. We think you're the Coolio-est.
Pepe	(laughs) We're just wondering if you could show us how to become a cool rapper like you.
Seymour	Yeah.
Coolio	Oh, so, like uh, you guys want to be bad, huh?
Seymour	No, no, no, no, no. We're already bad. We want to be good.
Coolio	All right. Uh, let's see what you got. Beaker?
Beaker	(meeps)
Coolio	Help me out here, man, and keep the beat.
Seymour	Oh, good.
Pepe	Well, that's good.
	Beaker meeps a beat.
Seymour	I'm Seymour.
Pepe	I'm Pepe.
Both	We're two of a kind.
Pepe	I'm a little bit forward.
Seymour	And I've got a big behind.
Both	Ta-da!
Coolio	First of all, never, ever, ever end the rap with "ta-da!"
Pepe	Really.
Seymour	Oh, thank you. You've helped us so very much. (almost walks away)
Coolio	Wait a minute.
Seymour	Hmm?
Coolio	I'm not done. Now, instead of saying, uh, "I'm a little bit forward ", try saying, uh, –– "I kick flavor like Pele".
Pepe	Uh-oh, flavor, flavor, no, no, no, no. You see, I'm a prawn. If people think I got flavor, they're going to dip me in cocktail sauce, okay.
Coolio	Okay, never mind. Alright, Seymour, let's take your line now. "I've got a big behind" –– a rapper would actually say, uh ... "I got back".
Seymour	Back from where? Oh, did you take a trip?
Pepe	Ooh, did you take any pictures?
Seymour	Yeah. Yeah.
Coolio	(sigh) Alright, alright. Let's not deal with the lyrics, okay? Rap is all about attitude. It's about how you feel.
	Seymour and Pepe nod.
Seymour	I feel hungry.
Coolio	Oh, alright, that's good. But, but how do you feel, like –– what makes you angry?
Seymour	Right. Let's see. I get angry when when I don't eat.
Pepe	This is true.
Coolio	Okay. I'm sensing a theme here. Okay. Pepe, how do you feel?
Pepe	Well, I have these antenna, and they help me to get around by, by feeling things, you see.
Coolio	No, no, no, no, no, no. I mean, how do you feel about life?
Pepe	(gasp) ... I like life. It's a good cereal.
Seymour	Mmm.
Pepe	Yes, especially the cinnamon, okay.
Seymour	Mm-mm-mm! Cereal, that makes me hungry.
Pepe	Yeah.
Coolio	Maybe we should go back to the lyrics.
Both	Okay.

Backstage

	Grouper continues listing changes.
Grouper	Number 36, we will be downsizing the staff.
	The other Muppets cheer.
Grouper	You fools! That means I'll be firing people.
	The other Muppets stop cheering.
Grouper	Okay, now everyone, back to work. And don't forget, the company picnic is in two weeks.
Virgil	Wait a minute, Mr. Grouper. You can't just tell us you're going to fire someone and then expect us to go back to work. You're destroying morale.
Grouper	Quiet. I know what to do. I anticipated this sadness. So I brought in my own staff psychologist to boost morale. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Don Rickles!
	Don enters through the doors to applause.
Don Rickles	Thank you, Fishface.
Grouper	(laughs) He makes me laugh.
	He laughs, then exits with Behemoth. The Muppets sheepishly greet Don.
Gonzo	Hi there.
Don Rickles	How you doing, guys? I'm here to help all of ya.
Gonzo	Fine, doctor.
Don Rickles	I've never worked with aliens before. (Rizzo laughs) Don't get so close. I don't need what you have.
Virgil	(to Clifford) This is supposed to boost morale?
Don Rickles	It's party time!
Clifford	I feel like I've been Sigmund Fried.
Virgil	I'm going to go have a talk with Mr. Grouper. (exits)
Don Rickles	Whaddya say? We're gonna have a good time. I tell you the truth, this is great. (to Bobo) This guy. Snap out of it, huh? I spoke to the state hospital. You're OK. You're well. (to Rizzo and Gonzo) You're all happy guys. Happy guys! Now get out of my life! Get on with your life! (the Muppets disperse) Have a good time, guys. Enjoy! It's America! We're having a wonderful time! The Muppets are back! Happy New Year! I need a girl! I need anything! Get me a monkey! Somebody help me! (sobs) I don't want to be on this! I want to go home!
	In Grouper's office, he looks over some papers as Virgil enters.
Grouper	No ... no. Mm hmm. No ... no ... no.
Virgil	Uh, Mr. Grouper.
Grouper	Yeah, yes, my little funky monkey?
Virgil	(scowls) I am a frog. I am not a monkey!
Grouper	Yes. And the Elephant Man is a human being. What else is new?
Virgil	Well, I'll tell you what's new, Grouper. Uh, just because you bought the company, it does not give you the right to come in here and push the Muppets around.
	A beat. Grouper gets out of his chair and charges at Virgil.
Grouper	What are you saying, Virgil?
Virgil	I'll tell you what I'm saying, Grouper. If the Muppets can't be who the Muppets are ... then I quit, Grouper, I quit! Quit! Quit! Quit!
Grouper	Oh, Virgil, my spunky little funky monkey. You cannot quit.
Virgil	Oh, yeah? Why is that?
Grouper	BECAUSE YOU'RE FIRED!
	He laughs, walking over to the gas container.
Grouper	Oh, who keeps leaving this laughing gas here?
Virgil	(laughing) I don't know! I'm fired! Oh dear!
	Rizzo pops up, wearing a nose guard.
Rizzo	Hey, it keeps them happy.
	They all laugh, including Behemoth.

Real World

	The opening montage plays as each Muppet narrates.
Clifford	(VO, seen sleeping in bed) This is the true story of five Muppets ...
Bobo	(VO, seen shaving in front of a mirror) Picked to live in a house ...
Darci	(VO, seen playing the guitar) And have their lives taped ...
Bill	(VO, seen blowing bubbles) To find out what happens ...
Rizzo	(VO, seen eating pizza) When Muppets stop being polite and start being real. The Real World: Muppets.
	The confessional...
Clifford	Lately, I've been feeling a little claustrophobic. Like I don't have enough privacy.
	The bathroom. Clifford reads the comics in the tub, laughing, when Bobo stumbles in.
Bobo	Ooh, ooh, oh, oh, don't mind me, Chief. I'm just playing through here.
Clifford	Hey, Bobo, get out of here, man. I'm in the tub.
Bobo	Oh, I know. I'm just changin' the ol' contact-a-roonies, y'know. (looks over his shoulder) Oh, you're reading the funnies, huh? Oh, I love Garfield. Yeah, yesterday he tricked Odie into eating an entire lasagna. (chuckles)
Bill	Good morning, Clifford.
Bobo	Good morning, Bill.
Clifford	Bill, what do you want?
Bill	Oh, don't mind me. I'm just here to floss my bubble hole.
Clifford	That's more than I wanted to know.
Bobo	Bill, Bill, look, look in the paper there.
Bill	What's that, what, what?
Bobo	Garfield tricked that dopey dog again. (laughs)
Bill	Oh, yeah. Yeah. (laughs)
	Bill and Bobo continue their conversation, as Rizzo pops up in the tub.
Rizzo	Hey, Clifford, could you hand me the flea dip? I'm having a lot of trouble getting rid of the little guys.
Clifford	Rizzo, where did you come from?
Rizzo	Well, if you really want to know, when a mommy rat and a daddy rat and love one another, they ––
	Clifford shoves him down. Darci enters wearing a shower cap and robe.
Bobo	Oh, good morning.
Darci	This is so great! All you men getting together for an aromatherapy bath.
Bill	Is she for real?
Bobo	(shrugs)
Darci	What essential oils are you using?
Rizzo	Uh, Guenther's Flea and Tick Death, essentially.
Bobo	You mean that stuff gets rid of ticks too?
Rizzo	You betcha, big guy.
Bobo	I'm getting in there, little guy. (tries to get in)
Rizzo	Oh, hey, wait a minute ––
Clifford	(to camera) Kill me now.
	Rizzo and Clifford scream as Bobo squeezes into the tub. Switch to the confessional.
Clifford	This is really getting out of hand. I never have a moment alone.
Bill	That's right. He is starting to get highly edgy.
Clifford	Will you get out of here, man? This is my confessional!
Bill	Sorry, Mr. Edgy. (leaves)
	Night. Clifford sleeps in his bed, when he notices Rizzo sleeping next to him.
Rizzo	Hey, watch it, horsie-head! Ohh.
Clifford	Rizzo, get out of my bed!
Rizzo	B-but the heater's busted and you're the only guy with an electric blanket and I am freezing! Now move over!
	Bobo knocks the door down.
Clifford	Hey!
Bobo	Oh, boy, it's dark in here. Turn the light on ... (flicks the switch) Hi guys!
Clifford	Bobo!
Rizzo	Uh hi, Bobo.
Bobo	Hey, what are you guys doing? Do you mind if I get in there with you - you know, the heater's busted.
Clifford	Yeah. Yeah, we know.
Rizzo	Come on!
Bill	(enters with a pillow) Hi, fellas.
Rizzo & Bobo	Hiya, Bill!
Bill	Hey, you know, I just couldn't sleep.
Clifford	Is it because the heater's broken?
Bill	No, it's because I have an impacted bubble in my head. Hey, you wanna tell ghost stories? (gets into bed with them)
Rizzo & Bobo	Yeah, yeah!
Clifford	No, no, no!
Darci	(enters with a pillow) Hi, guys.
Rizzo, Bobo, Bill	Hi, Darci!
Darci	Mind if I join you? I'm having a bad night. The world is DARK and COLD!
Rizzo	Oh, well, that's because it's uh, it's nighttime and the heater's busted. (laughs)
Darci	So who wants to watch Molly Dodd reruns on Lifetime?
Clifford	Not me, not me.
Bobo	Oh no, no, no, I got a better idea!
Rizzo	What?
Bobo	PILLOW FIGHT!!
Clifford	No, no!
	They start batting each other with pillows as Clifford writhes.
Clifford	Stop it!
	The confessional...
Clifford	I decided to take matters into my own hands.
	The dinner table. Clifford serves everyone bowls of what looks to be nuclear waste.
Bobo	Boy, Clifford, uh, sure is nice of you to cook dinner for us tonight.
Rizzo	Oh, yeah, this soup is delicious and it glows. Ha ha.
Darci	Mmm - what's that unusual flavor? Tarragon, fennel?
Bill	(slurp) Turmeric?
Clifford	Nah, it's a little something I picked up from the Department of Defense.
Bill	Whoa, lookie, I can see right through my hand.
Rizzo	Yeah, me too.
Darci	Me too ...
Bobo	Whoa, look at that.
	They all look at their hands. Music button.

Backstage

	Grouper rushes into the control room.
Grouper	Where is everybody?
Nigel	Oh, they're organizing a coup to overthrow your tyrannical regime.
Grouper	Wha?
Nigel	I mean –– (chortles) –– they're knitting you an eyepatch-cosy.
Grouper	Oh, that's nice. So, what can we put on the air, Nigel?
Nigel	(throws a fit)I have NOTHING to put on the air! You understand? NOTHING! I'VE GOT NOTHING! NO CREW, NO NOTHING! HOW COULD I POSSIBLY PUT TOGETHER A SHOW WITH NOTHING –– oh, look! Here's a tape of the first time that Coolio appeared with the Muppets.
Grouper	Good! Give me that! I'll do it myself.
	He grabs the tape and rushes to home base, facing the audience.
Grouper	Oh, hello! I didn't see you standing there. Ha, ha, ha. Did you know that Coolio made his first TV appearance with the Muppets back in 1987 on Muppet Star Search? (pause) Well, he did! Uh –– let's uh, let's roll the tape, shall we? (realizes he's holding it) Ooh, that's me!
	He rushes over to the VCR and inserts the tape.

Muppet Star Search

	Open on Ed McMahon, emceeing the show.
Ed McMahon	Our next contestants are two young men who have a rather unusual name. They call themselves Chilli Manilli.
	Coolio and Clifford, both sporting long dreadlocks, take the stage, performing "Baby Don't Forget My Number" – but the record skips, revealing that they've been lip-synching.
Ed McMahon	Hey, hey. Are you guys lip-synching?
Coolio	Nah - we ain't lip-synching, fool!
Clifford	Yeah! Don't make me come over there and smack you, Ed!
Ed McMahon	Relax, guys. It's only a television show.
Coolio	(to Clifford) Man, I told you this was a stupid idea. Kill the music! (the music cuts off) Look, man, I'm not doing this anymore, man. I'm goin' solo.
Clifford	What are you gonna do? You don't sing.
Coolio	Maybe I'll just talk the words with some sort of rhythmic cadence.
Clifford	Oh, yeah? And what you gon' call it?
Ed McMahon	OK. That's –– that's a wrap! (walks off)
Coolio	(snaps fingers) Rap! That's it!
Clifford	What? You're gonna call it "wrap music"? (laughs)
Coolio	(strangles Clifford) No, I'ma wrap my hands around your throat for talkin' me into this!
	Coolio exits. Clifford, noticing the crowd, desperately tries to finish the song.

Closet / Unemployment Office

	Grouper passes by the closet. Clifford peeks through the door of the closet, where he and the other Muppets are hiding.
Clifford	(whispers) All right. Here's the deal. Grouper's gotten way out of hand. We gotta get Kermit back.
Rizzo	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
	Clifford notices Behemoth among the group.
Clifford	Hey, what are you doing here?
Behemoth	I'm with you guys.
Rizzo	Shhh!
Clifford	But you work for Grouper. Here's a fish gone bad.
Behemoth	He may be evil, but he's got an excellent dental plan.
	The others chuckle.
Gonzo	I say we should all stick together, hmm?
Rizzo	Yes.
Clifford	All right. Everyone who agrees we should stand up to Grouper, take one step forward.
	They all step forward, nearly suffocating him in the small space.
Clifford	(muffled) Take a step back! Take a step back!
	They back up.
Gonzo	Sorry, sorry.
Rizzo	Sorry.
Clifford	Then it's unanimous. I just wish we could do something to help Kermit.
Rizzo	Hey, don't worry about Kermit. If I know him, he's relaxing swampside, cooking up some multi-million dollar deal to buy the station back. (nudges Pepe) Huh? Huh? Huh?
	The others nod in agreement. Meanwhile, Virgil is next in line at the unemployment office, behind an actor.
Officer (Fred Willard)	Well, with your resume and experience, the only thing I have available is a 22-episode commitment with NBC.
Actor (BB)	Is it Must See TV™?
Officer (Fred Willard)	Yes.
Actor (BB)	(shrugs) I'll take it.
Officer (Fred Willard)	(hands him the contract) Sorry.
	The actor exits.
Virgil	Uh, excuse me, I'll take one of those big network deals, too.
Officer (Fred Willard)	Too bad, all the big networks are full.
Virgil	Well, what about the "dubba-dubba-WB"?
Officer (Fred Willard)	They've already got a frog.
Virgil	(sighs, then perks up) Hey, do they need a monkey?
	He acts like one, until the officer gives him a blank look.
Officer (Fred Willard)	Next. (to Virgil) Thank you. (to line) Step lively, please.
	Virgil exits in defeat.

Backstage

	Grouper watches "Tales from the Vet" on a TV monitor, when Don Rickles addresses him.
Don Rickles	Hey, Mr. Limpet!
Grouper	Huh? (walks over to him)
Don Rickles	I did what you said. I talked to your happy little Smurf friends.
Grouper	Mm-hmm.
Don Rickles	So now give me my check, huh, so I can get back to my wife.
Grouper	Uh-uh –– slow down, my bald and irritating friend. Do we still have a show to put on?
Don Rickles	You fired the frog, remember? Without Kermit, you don't have a show.
Grouper	Not true. I have you, I have Coolio, and I have a plan. (laughs)
	Main stage, moments later. Don, dressed as Kermit, plays a banjo and tries to sing "Bein' Green", but stops abruptly.
Don Rickles	And then –– all right. That's enough singing. This stuff isn't working. Sorry, Grouper. Sorry. No dental plan is worth this. I'm outta here! I gotta get a good job! They ruined my career with this, with Muppets!
Grouper	(rushes over) No, Don, don't go ––
Don Rickles	I don't need you, you dummy! Look at you! You must have come out of your mother and hit the wall! (exits)
Grouper	(stammers) If you walk out now, you ... Don?
	Statler and Waldorf watch this going down on the bar TV.
Statler	(nods) Hmm. Now I've seen everything.
Waldorf	Good. Does that mean we can stop watching?
	They chuckle, then notice a familiar frog behind the bar.
Statler	Hey, bartender, didn't you used to be...?
Kermit	Well, yeah, but a guy's gotta work, you know.
Waldorf	Not if he's smart, he doesn't.
	They chuckle.

The following transcript was generated by artificial means — YouTube, Adobe Premiere, or ripped from captions — and needs to be checked by a human editor and formatted properly.

---

And now it's time for Knoppix

Dance Party with me group

and our special guest,

star of Family Matters.

Steve Urkel.

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.

He comes people to love, huh?

Oh, my God.

Damn ya.

Don't you mean Macarena?

Oh, no, no.

I couldn't afford to write.

I wrote this one myself.

Now, shake your booty, Stieber.

Yeah.

Oh, oh, did I do that?

Oh, yes.

And if you do it again,

there'll be no snacks for you.

Sleep until all ha ha,

ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Circle of being is stupid.

I'm not not paying for your opinion.

I'm out of here.

Well, do not know where to

put.

No, no.

You don't understand.

Steve Urkel and my Macarena look of this

very high in the market research.

Yeah. Yeah. Well, much research.

Don't know everything.

Well, the best thing for the show to do

is to let me do what I do

and let the Muppets do what they do.

Both of us.

The Muppets are not heape like you are.

See now that's when you got it all wrong.

Hip is not what you do.

It's how you do it.

You want to see hip.

We'll show you here.

Of to say it's got a woman on the floor.

God, I got to get up to get down

and I have to get up.

Here we go.

One, two, three, four.

Guzzo promised on the floor.

Got to got to give it up.

To get down. Got to.

Got to get up.

To get down.

Everybody's so glad to hear

somebody go with the flow.

Back in is a fantastic voice.

But I'm still on the move to see

if I can catch up with it.

Now I want to drop some information

to some of the relative

to your education.

I live my life by the code on a book

section, the 80s in the church,

when the monastery got to feel my beat .

So put your hands up, up and down

with the double load and a lot of

of all, I'm looking for the party,

so let them up and know what to see.

It's like a, b, c, a bell pop didn't pay

rap rapper first

star slob, but that's the pastor.

I got some bread for your class.

One, two, three, four.

Get your food on the floor.

Get up, get down.

Got to get out.

Get down. Here we go.

One, two, three, four

gentlemen on the floor.

I got to get up, get down,

get up, get down

deep and see where Covid takes over.

Like feeling I got bad.

We have we have side by side

and they talk to my antenna,

Premiere to L.A., get

on the floor.

Not somebody, anybody.

Everybody.

Now you see Samin breath.

That's it.

Yeah.

All right, all right, maybe I was wrong.

The Muppets can be.

All right.

We also go back to a grad school.

No way, no way.

Only if you beg Kermit to come back.

But I came to have him come back

with a proper focus group testing.

Oh, I got your focus group.

All right.

Everyone, that was Kermit to come back.

Take one step forward.

Oh. Oh,

I see your point.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Kermit Oak Tree.

Yes,

but the

Kermit come back.

No, please.

Hey, Reed, you hear that?

I got my old job back.

Not until 8:00 p.m.

You don't dance a joke there.

Thanks, a million fellow.

Coming up next,

look at the Royal Mechanize,

what happened to the rest

of the pack away on the train today?

Hey, kids, huh?

You attended a what?

Oh,

don't do that.

I don't need that.

Stop it.

I hate that.

That's not you.

Don't do that.

Keep it up. I'll turn away.

Boy, there are holes in it.

Don't get close.

I don't need what you have.

Put your lip.

I hope you suck up

your gums and your teeth.

Take a tap dance.

Get yourself some teeth.

Fix it up.

You're going to come yourself to death.

You're trying to suck on my armpit.

Stay out of my life.

I need this.

I want to go home so bad.