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Main stage. Kermit enters.
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Kermit
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Ladies and gentlemen, at this time, we have a very special... uh... uh...
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J.P. stomps behind him.
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Kermit
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Uh, look, I'm trying to make an introduction.
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J.P. Grosse
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Oh, go right ahead, I'm just checking the floor.
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Kermit
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Uh... Ladies and gentlemen...
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J.P. Grosse
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Scooter, make a note. Some of these boards are rotten.
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Kermit
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That's too bad.
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J.P. Grosse
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You know, if you dried your flippers before you came out here, this wouldn't happen. (exits)
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Kermit
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Um, ladies and gentlemen … Miss Judy Collins.
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Judy plays the guitar and sings. A silhouette of an old lady appears in a frame above her.
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Judy
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I know an old lady who swallowed a fly.
I don't know why she swallowed that fly.
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Old lady
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I guess I'll die. (laughs)
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A spider jumps into her mouth.
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Judy
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I know an old lady who swallowed a spider
That wriggled and tickled and jiggled inside her.
She swallowed the spider to catch the fly,
But I don't know why she swallowed the fly.
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Old lady
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I guess I'll die. (laughs)
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A bird flies into her mouth.
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Judy
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I know an old lady who swallowed a bird.
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Statler
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How absurd — she swallowed a bird! Heh!
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Judy
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She swallowed the bird to catch the spider
That wriggled and tickled and jiggled inside her.
She swallowed the spider to catch the fly,
But I don't know why she swallowed the fly.
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Old lady
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I guess I'll die. (laughs)
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A cat jumps into her mouth.
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Judy
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I know an old lady who swallowed a cat.
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Statler
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Imagine that! She swallowed a cat! Heh.
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Judy
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She swallowed the cat to catch the bird.
She swallowed the bird to catch the spider
That wriggled and tickled and jiggled inside her.
She swallowed the spider to catch the fly,
But I don't know why she swallowed the fly.
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Old lady
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Well, I guess I'll die. Come here, puppy.
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A dog jumps into her mouth.
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Judy
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I know an old lady who swallowed a dog.
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Statler
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What a hog! She swallowed a dog!
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Judy
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She swallowed the dog to catch the cat.
She swallowed the cat to catch the bird.
She swallowed the bird to catch the spider
That wriggled and tickled and jiggled inside her.
She swallowed the spider to catch the fly,
But I don't know why she swallowed the fly.
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Old lady
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I guess I'll die. Come here, Billy.
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A goat hops into her mouth.
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Judy
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I know an old lady who swallowed a goat.
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Statler
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Just opened her throat and swallowed a goat! Heh heh heh!
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Judy
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She swallowed the goat to catch the dog.
She swallowed the dog to catch the cat.
She swallowed the cat to catch the bird.
She swallowed the bird to catch the spider
That wriggled and tickled and jiggled inside her.
She swallowed the spider to catch the fly,
But I don't know why she swallowed the fly.
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Old lady
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I guess I'll die.
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A horse jumps into her mouth.
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Judy
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I know an old lady who swallowed a horse.
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BOOM! The old lady explodes.
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Judy
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She's dead of course.
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Applause. She chuckles. Statler and Waldorf cheer.
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Waldorf
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Wonderful! Yes!
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Statler
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Wonderful.
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Waldorf
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Yes, but I swallowed my gum.
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Statler
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How very dumb to swallow your gum!
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They chuckle.
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