Cold open

Seymour opens the elevator door. Paula walks out.
Seymour Third floor. Studio, Ms. Abdul.
Paula Thank you, Seymour.
Seymour You're welcome.
Paula Hey, Clifford.
Clifford Hi, Paula. I just wanted to welcome you to Muppets Tonight. It's really great to have you here. (leans in) You know, it's a tradition for the guest stars to kiss me. Uh, for good luck. Uh, before the show. (giggles)
Paula Oh, really? How long has this tradition been going on?
Rizzo Oh, about thirty seconds.
Clifford Shut up.
Paula Uh-uh, I thought so.
Clifford What?
Paula You probably flirt with all the ladies on this show, huh?
Clifford No, no, no. That's not true, Paula. I think you're beautiful. I could watch you until the cows come home.
Cows Clifford, we're home.
Clifford Aw, man. I gotta go. (leaves)


Kermit opens the doors to the Muppet Theater.
Kermit It's Muppets Tonight, with our very special guest star, Paula Abdul! YAAAYY!
He is immediately trampled by theater patrons. Clifford sings the theme song while wandering through the dressing room to the control room to the stage, as Jowls whistles. Clifford reaches the stage, goes to a wall and throws a switch which lights up the show's title.


Open on the house band.
Announcer And now, the host of our show, ♪Clifford!
Clifford comes out to applause.
Clifford (laughing) Thank you, thank you. Yeah, yeah, yeah, ha ha. Welcome to Muppets Tonight, a show that can be summed up in one word … (reads from cue card held by a long-armed creature) "supamagnimarvelmagniterifibrillcoolwity".
Long-armed creature Help! (falls off)
Clifford (laughing) Our guest tonight is the fabulously talented singer and dancer, Miss Paula Abdul! (applause) But — wait, wait, wait, wait — before you think we have TOO much class, heh heh heh heh — here, with a tune, is our favorite blue loon, The Great Gonzo!
Applause. Gonzo stands in front of a cannon.
Gonzo Thank you! Thank you! Good evening, culture lovers. Tonight, for your musical entertainment, I bring a team of well-trained artillery shells, the Refined Young Cannonballs!
Five cannonballs, wearing bowties, roll onstage.
Gonzo (laughs)
Cannonballs Thank you very much. Thank you.
Gonzo Places, gentlemen!
Cannonballs (scattering) Right away.
Gonzo Camilla! Music please! (laughs)
Camilla Okay.
She uses her beak as a needle on a record player. Gonzo waves a baton and fires cannons to the tune of "1812 Overture". The cannonballs fly in various directions — one hits Nigel in the control room, another hits the long-armed creature, another hits Bobo and other characters in the control room, etc. Gonzo fires faster and more frequently, laughing maniacally. Johnny and Sal walk by, and a cannonball almost hits them, but skids to a stop mid-air.
Sal Hey, hey, hey! No cannonball hits Johnny Fiama! Heh!
The cannonball hits Sal instead.
Johnny Hey, nice work, Sal.
A cannonball hits him. Gonzo continues to fire, laughing maniacally.
Clifford Yo, Rizzo, this musical number is a hit.
A cannonball hits him. He gets up, dazed.
Rizzo Yeah, a direct hit. (laughs)
Gonzo laughs maniacally as the music draws to a close. Applause.
Gonzo Thank you! Thank you! Thank you all very much! Thank you!
A cannonball hits him. He gets up, dazed.
Cannonball (JN) Sorry, boss.
Gonzo Oh, don't worry. I didn't feel a thing 'cause the little people floating around in my head — they protected me. (faints)


Clifford sits on a stretcher carried by two standby paramedics.
Clifford Quick, quick — there she is!
Rizzo Aw, come on, Clifford, you're not even hurt.
Clifford Shut up.
Rizzo Oh, brother.
Clifford moans as the paramedics carry him.
Clifford Oh, Paula. I got hit by a cannonball. Bad. I don't think I'm gonna make it. How about a little kiss? It could be my last. (puckers up)
Paula Sure.
She puts Rizzo to Clifford's lips. Clifford gets up and spits in disgust.
Clifford Oh, man! I kissed a rat!
Rizzo (spits) I kissed a non-rat! (screams)

Sam's editorial

Sam sits at a desk in a study.
A. Ligator And now for an editorial message from Sam Eagle.
Sam the Eagle Good evening. Tonight, I —
A cannonball hits him. He gets up.
Sam the Eagle Oof! Oof … excuse me. Ahem. Tonight, I would like to talk about the lack of heroes in society today.
He walks over to Andy and Randy, wired up to a video game set.
Sam the Eagle Here, we have two typical youngsters, growing up in society today.
Andy Ha! You're dead!
Randy I am not! I blew your head off!
Andy You did not!
Randy Did too!
Andy Did not.
Randy Did too!
Andy Did not.
Randy Did too!
Andy I have an idea.
Randy What?
Andy Turn the game on.
Randy Ooh, yeah! (turns it on)
Sam the Eagle Shocking! They didn't even know the game was off! And what is the source of this ignorance? Young people have no role models today. No heroes, if you will.
Andy Say, now that we played that violent video game, I feel like hurting you.
Randy I feel like hurting you too! Violently.
Andy Oh yeah!
Randy Yeah!
Sam the Eagle What say you, boys? Have you no heroes?
The pigs display sandwiches.
Randy Yeah, we got a hero right here.
Andy We got hero sandwiches!
Randy Yeah!
Andy My hero is a salami sword of death! Ha!
Randy And mine is a baloney bazooka! Ha!
They start swatting each other.
Sam the Eagle Will you st —
Switch to the nursing home.
Statler What'd you think of that sketch?
Waldorf Well, it was better than getting hit in the head with a two-by-four.
Statler No it wasn't.
Waldorf Yeah, you're right. Hit me again!
A nurse hits him in the head with a two-by-four. Statler laughs.

Swift Wits

Snookie Hey! Hello there, and welcome to Swift Wits, the fastest game show on TV. I'm your host, Snookie Blyer, and here's today's contestant, Mr. Nate Leaky. Nate, I understand you have a very weird hobby.
Nate That's right, Snookie. I can swallow three—
Snookie Oh, that's fascinating, Nate. Now today, you're going to be playing for Hopper, a cute little bunny rabbit who dreams of visiting his relatives overseas.
A window opens to reveal Hopper.
Snookie And Nate, you can make that dream come true by answering our question correctly. Of course, if you fail, Hopper will be devoured by someone who's not a relative — our very own Carl the Big Mean Bunny!
A window opens to reveal Carl. Hopper shivers.
Carl Hi.
Snookie Now as you know, we've never had a correct answer on the show, but today that's going to change, because I'm going to give the correct answer to Nate!
Carl Say, that's not fair!
Snookie Yes, yes. Ha ha. And neither are our ratings. We've gotta do something to spice this thing up! Okay, Nate! The answer is "cheese". You've got ten seconds.
The clock starts ticking.
Nate Uh, pizza!
Snookie N — no, Nate, it's "cheese".
Nate Uh, swiss! Um, gouda! Limburger!
Snookie No, just— just say "cheese".
Nate Am I getting my picture taken?
Snookie Nate, Nate, two more seconds! Cheese! Cheese!
Nate Uh, string! Uh, mozzarella! Fondue! (the buzzer sounds) Oh, I give up. What's the answer?
Snookie (facepalms) Oh, cretin!
Nate Cretin? What kinda cheese is that?
Carl Chow time!
Snookie I can't even give away the answer.
Carl devours Hopper. The windows close.
Nate Oh! Oh, I get it! You just wanted me to say "cheese".
Snookie Oh. Oh, oh, oh, oh. Now that Hopper is joyriding down Carl's colon, NOW the lightbulb goes on! (facepalms)
Nate (to window) Sorry.

Backstage / Whale Theater

Nigel Okay, team, things are going very smoothly. Let's get ready to cue the Nine Inch Snails.
Techie (BB) They're not here yet, sir.
Techie (BB) Carpooling with The Turtles.
Nigel Oh well, then uh, let's uh, cue Whale Theatre, in THREE TWO ONE CUE!!
Techie (BB) Cue the whales.
Switch to a literary study. Watson walks over to Miss Weatherington, who stands by a box marked "RED HERRING" and waves a feather duster at a cat.
A. Ligator And now, the Classic Theater of Whales presents, Sherlock Holmes and the Case of the Red Herring.
Miss Weatherington Shoo! Shoo! Oh, hello, Dr. Watson. When will Mr. Holmes be in? I got in a case of red herring and I'm hoping he'll get here before the cat gets it, you know.
Watson Oh, I warrant he'll be here any moment if he knows there's a new case to be tracked.
The doorbell rings.
Miss Weatherington Oh, that must be him now. Hello, Mister —
Sherlock Holmes Whale crashes into the room.
Whale Sherlock Holmes Oh, hello, Watson. Hmm, I smell fish and a flattened feline. And judging by the look on your face, I've crushed Miss Weatherington again!
Watson Gad, Holmes, you're amazing. How do you do it?
Miss Weatherington gets up, but Holmes rolls over her.
Whale Sherlock Holmes Ah, I've a very sensitive abdomen, Watson. Quick, Watson. Draw a bath. I'm beginning to dry out on top.
Watson Oh, my. (runs off)
Miss Weatherington gets up from under him and swats him with the feather duster.
Miss Weatherington You bloody beluga! (swat!)
Whale Sherlock Holmes Oh, you — (rolls over her) Ow. That's it.

"Opposites Attract"

Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit Ladies and gentlemen, Muppets Tonight proudly presents "Opposites Attract", featuring our very own Clifford, and the fabulously talented Miss Paula Abdul! YAAAAYYY!
Paula and Clifford perform the song against a black/neon backdrop. The Clodhoppers and the Extremes soon join them, followed by Sweetums and Doglion. The Bossmen join them as they go up a staircase. Applause.
Back in the control room …
Nigel Oh, I just love those fun musical numbers. Okay, we're going next to the Nine Inch Snails.
Techie (BB) They're still not here yet, sir.
Nigel WHAT??? WHERE ARE THEY? What are they doing, crawling?
Techie (BB) In a word, yes.
Nigel Oh. Then cue Bunsen and Beaker.
Techie (BB) Cue B and B. (presses a button)

Muppet Labs

Dr. Bunsen Honeydew Hello, and welcome to Muppet Labs, where, through the application of science, we bring tomorrow's yesterdays to … (though magnifying glass) … you today. (chuckles)
Beaker marvels at the magnifying glass and examines it.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew Earlier on the program, Mr. Sam Eagle delivered a stirring editorial lamenting the lack of heroes in our society. We here at Muppet Labs agree that society could really use a hero right about now. So, we built one! Beakie? Beakie. Yes.
Beaker bends down and picks up a remote control. He operates a robotic Abraham Lincoln.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew Our robot is just like the 16th president in every way.
Robot Lincoln Four score and seven years ago …
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew Uh — except for the nuts, bolts, wiring and stuff.
The Lincoln robot walks into a shelf and begins to malfunction.
Robot Lincoln Our forefathers … our forefathers …
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew Oh dear.
Robot Lincoln Our forefathers … our forefathers …
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew Uh … we had sixteen fathers! We seem to be having a bit of a problem.
The robot sparks, then roars and begins attacking Beaker like the Frankenstein monster.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew Beakie! Oh — (frets, picks up the remote) Oh, we seem to be having a major problem! Oh dear …
The robot spins Beaker around. Kermit and Paula watch on a monitor in the control room.
Paula Kermit, I've been around a lot of rock musicians, and you know I've seen some crazy stuff, but this show's so weird.
Kermit Well, let's see, we have a crazed robot …
Beaker flies through the control room. A cannonball comes up to Kermit.
Cannonball (JN) Ooh, which way to the little cannonballs' room?
Kermit Oh, it's just down the hall.
Cannonball (JN) Ohh, thank you! (rolls away)
Kermit And talking cannonballs. No, Paula, I'd say this is a pretty average show.

At the Bar

Mr. Callahan enters through the doors.
Polly Lobster ♪ If ya want my body, and ya think I'm sexy, come on, — Oh — Hi, Mr. Callahan! How ya doin'? The usual? No? Well then, let me try something out on you.
He hands him a drink. Mr. C takes a sip.
Polly Lobster I call this — heh heh heh — that's my whipped malicado. Heh heh. Yeah, and I put a little pepper in there, to give it just an extra zip. — Something wrong?
Mr. C sneezes, blowing foam onto Polly.
Polly Lobster Heh. Boy, it looks like there's a little too much zip in my whip. (laughs) What's that you say? Uh, Clueless? Yeah, he's in the back,. I'll call him. CLUELESS!
Applause as he comes out.
Clueless Morgan Yeah, Polly? (notices applause) Oh! Ha! Heh heh heh! Thank you! Thank you! Oh — oh, hi, Mr. Callahan. (squints, sniffs) Say, are you wearing jasmine? Tsk - you always have such a lovely bouquet about you.
Polly Lobster Say, Clueless …
Clueless Morgan Yeah?
Polly Lobster … what's this I hear about you going to driving school?
Clueless Morgan Oh. Well, the missus says, I've been driving her crazy for so many years, I oughta go to school and learn how to do it right.
Polly Lobster (bursts out laughing)
Clueless Morgan To, uh, to do it right. (laughs with Polly) "To do it right!"
Polly Lobster I get it, I get it.
Clueless Morgan What?
Polly Lobster JUST SING!!
Clueless Morgan Oh, I thought you'd never ask. Paul?
Piano music swells up. Clueless and Polly sing the first line of "That's Amore", when a pizza hits Clueless in the face.
Polly Lobster Ooh. That was cheesy. (laughs) Say goodnight, Clueless.
Clueless Morgan Oh, okay. Goodnight, Clueless.
Polly Lobster Paul?
Piano music swells up. Clueless and Polly sing the last line of "That's Amore". Applause.

Backstage / Pigs in Space

Nigel Okay, good news, team, Robot Lincoln has officially left the building. (the others cheer lightly) Yeah, so get ready to cue the —
Techie (BB) Nigel?
Nigel Don't tell me! The Nine Inch Snails STILL aren't here!
Techie (BB) No, no, they're here, sir, but they were mobbed by groupies.
Rizzo Yeah. It was a slugfest. Haha! Get it? Slug? (laughs)
Nigel (sigh) Cue Pigs in Space. (walks off)
Techie (BB) Cue the space pigs.
Rizzo Hmph.
The opening title sequence plays.
A. Ligator Once again, it's time for Pigs in Space: Deep Dish Nine, the next generation of PIGS… IN… SPACE!
The emergency alarm sounds.
Captain Pighead Zoot allures!
Craniac Captain! Someone has sabotaged the artificial gravity system! We are all about to become weightless!
Miss Piggy (gasp) … Finally! (sighs)
They all start floating except for Piggy.
Captain Pighead Whoa … whoa!
Snorty This is nice. … Wow, what a view.
Captain Pighead Lieutenant — do not strain yourself trying to hold on to the equipment.
Miss Piggy I am not holding onto the equipment.
Captain Pighead Oh? Are you not feeling any lighter yet?
Miss Piggy Not yet!
Captain Pighead Hmm. Are you not experiencing any of that airy, light-as-a-feather feeling around your toes and ankles?
Miss Piggy Look, buster, I happen to be big-boned!
The others laugh.
Craniac Captain! I have found the problem.
Captain Pighead Oh?
Snorty Huh?
Craniac A faulty circuit breaker!
Captain Pighead Oh.
Craniac Isn't that a hoot?
Captain Pighead Then go down and push the switch.
He pushes the switch, and they fall down onto Piggy.
Miss Piggy Will you get off me, you galactic goofball?
Snorty Hey, thank you, commander! That was a nice, cushy landing if you know what I mean. (laughs)
Craniac That was highly enjoyable!
Captain Pighead Let's do it again! Pull the switch!
Snorty Yeah!
Craniac re-enables zero gravity, and the three float up while Piggy stays down.
Miss Piggy No! No — hold it, guys — guys —
Captain Pighead Flip the switch!
Craniac enables gravity, and they fall down onto Piggy.
Captain Pighead Flip the switch!
Craniac re-enables zero gravity, and the three float up while Piggy stays down.
Miss Piggy (dazed) Guys …
Captain Pighead Flip the switch!
Craniac enables gravity, and they fall down onto Piggy.
A. Ligator Join us again for another slice of outer-space adventure on Deep Dish Nine, the next generation of … PIGS… IN… SPACE!


Bunsen and Beaker approach Clifford and Rizzo, armed to the teeth.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew Clifford, we've taken care of it. We've zapped the Mr. Lincoln robot with these powerful rays, and in doing so, have diminished his strength by a factor of three.
Beaker (meeps three times)
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew Yes, yes, I don't think we'll be seeing much of Mr. Lincoln anymore.
The Lincoln robot breaks down the door and roars.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew Or maybe we'll be seeing him more often.
The Lincoln robot grabs Beaker, carries him away and bangs him against the window. Clifford, Bunsen and Rizzo watch.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew Oh! Oh … oh … uh, Beakie … uh, did we set the ray for diminish threefold, or increase threefold?
Beaker (meeps)
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew (nods) I was afraid of that. Uh, Clifford, uh, would you happen to have any nuclear rods on you?
Clifford (sarcastic) Aw, me. I must've left them in my other pants.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew Oh, darn. Beaker? Oh …
Switch to the nursing home.
Waldorf Did you see that stiff, lifeless robotic acting?
Statler By Lincoln?
Waldorf No, by the rest of the cast!
They chuckle.
Waldorf Actually, I LIKE Lincoln.
Statler You should like him. You voted for him!
They chuckle.

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