Kermit
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Hey, can we have some quiet out there in the theater, please? What's next, Scooter?
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Scooter
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Oh, you'll love this, boss. Here he is, Steve Martin!
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The Muppets applaud Steve as he comes onstage.
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Steve
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(takes a bow) Thank you very much. Thank you.
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Kermit
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Steve, Steve, you know, you really don't have to perform here, you know.
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Steve
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Well, I figured since I was here I may as well do some stuff, you know.
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Kermit
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Yeah, but you don't have to do this, because we cancelled the show.
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Steve
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Oh, well, uh, maybe I could just, you know, perform for the guys.
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"The guys" shout their affirmation. "Yeah! OK! Come on!"
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Kermit
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OK, well, listen, if you want him you got him. Take it away, Steve. (The Muppets cheer)
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Steve
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Thank you, thank you, thank you very much. Thank you. I realize a lot of you folks are sitting out there saying to yourselves, "Sure, he's great, but can he make balloon animals?" Have you seen this before?
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Audience
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Yeah!!
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Steve
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Oh, I'm sorry. I don't like to repeat.
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Audience
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(collective groan of disappointment) "Come on, Steve." "Come on." "Please, do it! Do it!" "Come on, Steve, come on!"
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Steve
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I don't know what to do now. I don't like to repeat, and yet, the audience is demanding that I do it. I'll tell you what, I'll make a compromise. I'll make balloon animals but I won't blow them up.
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Audience
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(impressed) Look at that...
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Steve folds deflated balloons into a tangle and holds it up to the audience.
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Steve
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Giraffe. Well, here we go.
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Floyd
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(laughing) Dude got a sense of humor.
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Steve
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(blowing up balloons) See how I fill up the balloons with words, and if they pop they go, (high-pitched) "gosh darn it!" (blows a balloon in a curlicue) It's not easy to get that air to curl up inside your lungs like that. And now, fun balloon animals! Here we go!
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Steve works frantically with the balloons and the audience is impressed.
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Audience
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Oh yeah, look at him go, look at him go!
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Steve
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Scooter, more balloons, Scooter!
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Scooter rushes onstage to deliver balloons.
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Scooter
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Yes, sir! Yes, sir! Here you go, sir!
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Steve
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Thank you!
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Scooter
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OK! (exits)
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Steve
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Blow up some more, just in case!
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Scooter
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Yes sir!
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Steve
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(Continues wrestling with the balloons. One of them pops.) Ohh, (high-pitched) gosh darn it!
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Audience
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(laughs) Oh really... wow...
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Steve proudly holds up his mess of balloons.
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Steve
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Puppy dog!
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Rowlf
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I love that one. It's so cute.
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Steve
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Thank you very much. OK, um... Well, just...
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Steve looks for a place to set down his balloon creation, and puts it on his head.
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Steve
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Hey, I'm complete. You know, folks, a lot of people come to me and they say, "Steve, how can you afford all those balloons you use in your act? You must be rich or something." Well, actually, I get the balloons for free. I go down to the balloon ranch, where the little baby balloons are grown, and I steal them from the nests. What I do is, the adult balloons who guard them are very stupid. And it's easy to trick them. I'll go, "Look at that inner tube." And they go, (dopey voice) "Where? Gosh." (normal) And I load up my pockets. Absolutely no danger to me because the adult balloons are very dumb and they wouldn't...
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A grumbling sound gets louder and louder. A giant balloon roars and attacks Steve from above.
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Steve
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Ahhh! It's out of control!
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Steve, on the balloon, flies out of frame.
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Kermit
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Well, it is a different sort of an act.
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Crash! Steve, disheveled, emerges from behind the curtain.
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Steve
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Hey, you missed my big finish! I didn't even use a net.
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Gonzo
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You were terrific! You should make that into a feature film.
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