Episode 208: Steve Martin/transcript

The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 208: Steve Martin.

Cold open

	The guest star's dressing room. Scooter knocks and enters.
Scooter	Steve Martin? Oh, Steve Martin? Fifteen seconds till curtain, Mr. Martin!
Steve Martin	Thank you, Scooter. I'm almost ready.
	Steve, wearing a gag arrow through the head, jumps up and down growling with his fingers in his mouth.
Scooter	Say, you're gonna feel right at home around here.

Theme

Kermit	It's The Muppet Show with our very special guest star, Mr. Steve Martin!
	The curtain opens and the theme begins.
Waldorf	I liked the old opening better.
	Green smoke billows out of Gonzo's trumpet with a long squeak.
Gonzo	Green smoke!

No show?!

	Kermit enters the main stage to applause.
Kermit	Uh, thank you. Thank you and welcome, for the moment, to The Muppet Show. Listen, I really feel bad about this, but I have a special announcement.
Waldorf	Hey, maybe we've gotten lucky at last.
Statler	Yeah, maybe tonight's show's been cancelled.
Kermit	Uh, tonight's show has been cancelled.
Statler	Have I died and gone to heaven?
Kermit	Well, you see, I just realized I misread my calendar. Tonight we're scheduled to audition new acts for the show, so I'm really sorry, but there will not be a Muppet Show tonight. You can all stay and watch the auditions, but of course I'm not sure there will be anything very exciting.
Waldorf	When has there ever been? (laughs with Statler)
Kermit	OK, you two, take the night off! Now, we might as well bring up the house lights and say good night to everybody.
	The audience grumbles as they get up and leave.
Kermit	I'll just go out into the house and... Good grief, it's Steve Martin.
	Mild applause as Steve joins Kermit onstage, wearing a bathrobe and shower cap.
Steve	Yeah it is, Kermit. How's it going, little fella?
Kermit	Uh... uh... well, fine. Just fine, Steve.
Steve	Say, I was sitting back in my dressing room getting ready for the next number and I heard this rumor that the show had been cancelled.
Kermit	Well, yeah, you see, we have to audition new acts tonight.
Steve	Oh, OK, fine. Hey you know, I was just supposed to be the guest star on tonight's show. No problem.
Kermit	Yeah, well, I'm very sorry about that, really.
Steve	Well, you know, it's just a thing, that I'm sitting there getting ready, and, you know, I feel like some kind of sap back there, putting these clothes on for the big number. And no one bothers to come back and say, "Hey, Steve, the show has been canceled." What am I around here, nothing?!
Kermit	Steve, I don't know what to say.
Steve	Well, I do. Excuuuse me!
	Steve stuffs his shower cap on Kermit's head and leaves.
Kermit	Um... Well, um, let's get the auditions going, shall we?
	Kermit trips off the stage.
Waldorf	Well, should we stay or go?
Statler	I feel the same as I do every week. I've paid good money for this ticket and I'm going to use it. Hmpf!
Waldorf	The tickets are free.
Statler	Oh. Yes, uh, well, and overpriced at that too.

First act

	The audience clears out as Kermit takes a seat in the front row of the house.
Kermit	OK. Uh... (clears throat) OK. If we can get things started here now.
	Fozzie, Floyd, and Gonzo take seats behind him.
Fozzie	Kermit? Kermit?
Kermit	Hm?
Fozzie	Hey, when you say you are auditioning acts, you mean new acts, don't you? I mean, you don't mean replacements?
Kermit	Well, I don't really know, Fozzie. I just thought maybe we could use some new blood. (leaves)
Fozzie	Why didn't he tell me he wanted me to bleed?
Kermit	OK, Scooter, what's the first act?
Scooter	Oh, we got some really great talent lined up, boss. First up is the Lautrec Sisters in the Garbage Cancan.
Fozzie	Oh, please don't let them be funny.
	The first act is The Lautrec Sisters, a group of dancing rats doing the "Can-Can."
Rats	Wee! Wee!
Kermit	Oh, very good. Nice work, girls.
Fozzie	He liked the dancing rats? Oh, what chance does a bear have?

Mary Louise

Scooter	Listen, Kermit, if you liked the last act, wait till you see the next one. It's called Mary Louise and Friend.
	Curtain opens to Mary Louise and a frog.
Mary Louise	Way down upon the Swanee...
Friend	Ribbit.
Mary Louise	Far, far away...
	A vaudeville hook yanks Mary Louise offstage.

Offstage

Swedish Chef	(mock Swedish)
Floyd	Hey, well, I had a big vibe solo scheduled on tonight's show. Don't ask me why the frog canceled.
Swedish Chef	(mock Swedish) ... chop-chop-chop! (produces meat cleaver, leaves)
Floyd	(chuckling) Yeah, right on! Now you're talking my language.

Steve's act

Kermit	Hey, can we have some quiet out there in the theater, please? What's next, Scooter?
Scooter	Oh, you'll love this, boss. Here he is, Steve Martin!
	The Muppets applaud Steve as he comes onstage.
Steve	(takes a bow) Thank you very much. Thank you.
Kermit	Steve, Steve, you know, you really don't have to perform here, you know.
Steve	Well, I figured since I was here I may as well do some stuff, you know.
Kermit	Yeah, but you don't have to do this, because we cancelled the show.
Steve	Oh, well, uh, maybe I could just, you know, perform for the guys.
	"The guys" shout their affirmation. "Yeah! OK! Come on!"
Kermit	OK, well, listen, if you want him you got him. Take it away, Steve. (The Muppets cheer)
Steve	Thank you, thank you, thank you very much. Thank you. I realize a lot of you folks are sitting out there saying to yourselves, "Sure, he's great, but can he make balloon animals?" Have you seen this before?
Audience	Yeah!!
Steve	Oh, I'm sorry. I don't like to repeat.
Audience	(collective groan of disappointment) "Come on, Steve." "Come on." "Please, do it! Do it!" "Come on, Steve, come on!"
Steve	I don't know what to do now. I don't like to repeat, and yet, the audience is demanding that I do it. I'll tell you what, I'll make a compromise. I'll make balloon animals but I won't blow them up.
Audience	(impressed) Look at that...
	Steve folds deflated balloons into a tangle and holds it up to the audience.
Steve	Giraffe. Well, here we go.
Floyd	(laughing) Dude got a sense of humor.
Steve	(blowing up balloons) See how I fill up the balloons with words, and if they pop they go, (high-pitched) "gosh darn it!" (blows a balloon in a curlicue) It's not easy to get that air to curl up inside your lungs like that. And now, fun balloon animals! Here we go!
	Steve works frantically with the balloons and the audience is impressed.
Audience	Oh yeah, look at him go, look at him go!
Steve	Scooter, more balloons, Scooter!
	Scooter rushes onstage to deliver balloons.
Scooter	Yes, sir! Yes, sir! Here you go, sir!
Steve	Thank you!
Scooter	OK! (exits)
Steve	Blow up some more, just in case!
Scooter	Yes sir!
Steve	(Continues wrestling with the balloons. One of them pops.) Ohh, (high-pitched) gosh darn it!
Audience	(laughs) Oh really... wow...
	Steve proudly holds up his mess of balloons.
Steve	Puppy dog!
Rowlf	I love that one. It's so cute.
Steve	Thank you very much. OK, um... Well, just...
	Steve looks for a place to set down his balloon creation, and puts it on his head.
Steve	Hey, I'm complete. You know, folks, a lot of people come to me and they say, "Steve, how can you afford all those balloons you use in your act? You must be rich or something." Well, actually, I get the balloons for free. I go down to the balloon ranch, where the little baby balloons are grown, and I steal them from the nests. What I do is, the adult balloons who guard them are very stupid. And it's easy to trick them. I'll go, "Look at that inner tube." And they go, (dopey voice) "Where? Gosh." (normal) And I load up my pockets. Absolutely no danger to me because the adult balloons are very dumb and they wouldn't...
	A grumbling sound gets louder and louder. A giant balloon roars and attacks Steve from above.
Steve	Ahhh! It's out of control!
	Steve, on the balloon, flies out of frame.
Kermit	Well, it is a different sort of an act.
	Crash! Steve, disheveled, emerges from behind the curtain.
Steve	Hey, you missed my big finish! I didn't even use a net.
Gonzo	You were terrific! You should make that into a feature film.

Terry Louise

Kermit	Can we get on with the auditions?
Scooter	Oh, next up is Terry Louise and Friend.
	Curtains open to the same girl and frog duo.
Terry Louise	Tie a yellow...
Friend	Ribbit.
Terry Louise	...round the old oak tree...
	Terry Louise is jerked offstage by a hook yet again.

Baskerville 's comedy act

Scooter	Yeah... Uh, next we have one of the world's greatest comics, Baskerville the Hound.
	Enter Baskerville, to Fozzie's theme music and in Fozzie's attire.
Baskerville	Hey, hey, hey, it's comedy time! You know what they call a dirty dog? A mud poodle! Ahhh! I am so funny! Did you hear the...?
	Fozzie pushes Baskerville offstage with a hook.
Fozzie	Next.

Offstage

Kermit	Hey, hey, come on, Fozzie. You're taking all this too personally.
	Fozzie joins Kermit in the audience.
Fozzie	(unconvinced) Ohh...
Kermit	Listen, it's very healthy to see what other people in your field are doing. It's an enriching experience.
Fozzie	Yeah...
Kermit	Hey, Scooter, what's next?
Scooter	Oh, it's a guy named Lenny the Lizard. He's an emcee.
Kermit	What the hey?

Lenny the Lizard

	Enter Lenny, flailing his arms.
Lenny the Lizard	Thank you, thank you, thank you. And welcome again to another edition of The Muppet Show! Well, we've got a great show for you tonight, starring the incredible and amazingly talented me. Plus other good things--
Kermit	Next!
Fozzie	(smug) It was really interesting to see how another emcee works.
Kermit	Oh, cool it.
Fozzie	Yeah, you really must feel enriched, Kermit.
Kermit	Will you get out of here, Fozzie?
	Fozzie grabs his hook and leaves, laughing.
Scooter	On to the next act, chief?
Kermit	Uh, yes, I'd love to.
Scooter	I should think so. Anyway, it's a weird little act direct from the planet Koozebane. Here they are, the Four Fazoobs.

The Fazoobs

	The Fazoobs perform an unusual musical number using themselves as the instruments.
Kermit	Eesh, things are looking a little weird. OK, let's take a break, everybody.

UK spot

Kermit	Let's see what we have so far. We had the dancing rats... We had Mary Louise and Terry Louise...
	Enter Gonzo.
Gonzo	Kermit. (tapping him)
Kermit	Not now, Gonzo. We had the, uh, Fazoobs... The Fazoobs.
Gonzo	Kermit! (tapping Kermit more urgently)
Kermit	Uh, what is it, Gonzo?
Gonzo	I've got this great new act for you.
Kermit	Not now, Gonzo. You see, right now I'm in the middle of auditions.
Gonzo	Okay, we'll audition!
Kermit	I've seen your acts, Gonzo, you see, I don't want to see any more of them, thank you. Okay? I'll talk to you later, all right? All right? All right? (shouting) Scooter? Who's next, Scooter?
Gonzo	Well, look, at least let me tell you about the act.
Kermit	No. Scooter!
Gonzo	I'm gonna tell you anyway.
Kermit	I won't listen.
Gonzo	Dancing cheese.
Kermit	(beat) Dancing cheese?
Gonzo	(sing-song) You were listening!
Kermit	Will somebody find Scooter?!
Gonzo	Aw, Kermit, she's a great dancer.
Kermit	She? It's a female cheese?
Gonzo	Of course it's a female! You don't expect me to dance with a male, do you?
Kermit	Uh, no, no I...
Gonzo	That would look weird!
Kermit	Yes, yes. I'm sure that would look weird, Gonzo. Okay. You say you dance with her?
Gonzo	You're getting interested, aren't ya?
Kermit	No, I'm just killing time until Scooter gets here.
Gonzo	Oh. Well, anyway, she's featured.
Kermit	Mm-hm.
Gonzo	We do a flamenco.
Kermit	Mm-hm.
Gonzo	I just click my heels a little. The cheese does the fancy steps.
Kermit	The cheese does the fancy steps, huh? Uh, Gonzo, I don't think I want to hear any more about it.
Gonzo	But Scooter's not here yet!
Kermit	Uh, I don't care. Oh, here he comes now. Oh, Scooter!
Gonzo	Just remember it! (leaves)
Kermit	Yeah. Sure.
Scooter	Yes, chief?
Kermit	Scooter, who you got next, huh?
Scooter	Oh, uh... Gonzales and Yolanda.
	Curtains open on Gonzo and his dancing cheese, who dance to flamenco music.
Gonzo	¡Arriba! ¡Olé! ¡El toro! ¡Enchilada! Dance, you little firebrand! Dance, dance! ¡Tortilla! ¡Burrito! ¡San Diego! Show 'em what gorgonzola can do. Cha-cha-cha!
Kermit	Well, let us trust that we've got some new and truly different acts for the rest of the evening.

Carrie Louise

Scooter	Here's the first one: Carrie Louise and Friend.
	Once more, the curtains open on the girl and the frog.
Carrie Louise	(clears throat nervously) Old man...
Friend	Ribbit.
	Carrie Louise is pulled offstage yet again by a vaudeville stage hook.
Carrie Louise	(yelps)
	Backstage, the saboteur of Carrie Louise's act is revealed to be Miss Piggy.
Miss Piggy	I keep telling you, I'm the girl singer on this show. Move it. Move it!

"Ramblin' Guy"

Kermit	OK, nothing too different so far. Hey, Scooter, you must have some good acts back there.
Scooter	How 'bout this one, Kermit? He's a ramblin' guy.
	Curtains open on Steve Martin with a banjo. The Muppet audience cheers.
Steve	OK, let's not waste any more time. Let's go! How much was it to get in?
Fozzie	Free.
Steve	OK, you're gonna get your money's worth on this. (Steve plays a tune on his banjo) Hey, this guy's good. (audience cheers) (speak-singing) I'm a ramblin' guy. Well, I'm rambling, rambling 'round I'm a rambling guy … (whistles a tune) Free. (audience laughter) Ramble out to The Muppet Show, oh, yeah Meet all the Muppets, oh, yes, oh, yes, oh, yes, oh, yes... Oh, no... Rambling... Everybody whistle! (All whistling tune) Alright, in Chinese now. (Singing in mock-Chinese) When I'm rambling, rambling rambling, rambling, rambling Raaa-uuu-ummm... blinggg!
	Muppets cheer, curtains close.

"The Varsity Drag "

Kermit	Way to go, Steve! That's good stuff.
	Sam enters and the rest of the audience disperses.
Sam	Kermit, I am appalled.
Kermit	Hm?
Sam	Don't we have some good old-fashioned entertainment?
	Enter Scooter.
Kermit	Scooter?
Scooter	I can only vouch for the "old" part.
Kermit	Who you got?
Scooter	Statler and Waldorf.
Kermit	What?
	Curtains open to full-bodied, dancing Statler and Waldorf.
Statler and Waldorf	Here is the drag, see how it goes, Down on the heels, up on the toes, That's the way to do the Varsity Drag!
Statler	Hotter than hot
Waldorf	Newer than new
Statler	Meaner than mean
Waldorf	Bluer than blue
Both	Gets as much applause as waving the flag!
Statler	Take it! (Waldorf dances)
	Fozzie is heckling from their box.
Fozzie	Boo, boo! Get off the stage!
Waldorf	Take it, Statler! (solo from Statler)
Fozzie	They're terrible, aren't they?
Statler and Waldorf	Everybody do the Varsity… Everybody do the Varsity Drag!
	They fall on each other.
Statler	Watch it, you old fool! (laughs)
Sam	Yes, here, here! Oh, wholesome. Wonderful!
Kermit	I'm glad you enjoyed that act, Sam.
Sam	Oh Kermit, it was good old-fashioned entertainment.
Kermit	Mm-hm.
Sam	With that act The Muppet Show finally turns the corner and becomes a normal, decent, moral program.
Kermit	Well, I'm pleased, Sam.
Sam	Hmm... What's next?
Scooter	Uh, Marvin Suggs and His All-Food Glee Club.
Sam	For one brief moment there was light at the end of the tunnel. (facepalms)

"Yes, We Have No Bananas "

	Curtains open, Marvin Suggs whirls onstage.
Marvin Suggs	Olé! Gracias! Thank you and gracias! Yes, I am the beloved Marvin Suggs. And now, presenting my singing food!
	Food enters, harmonizing a capella as Marvin conducts.
Food	Yes, we have no bananas We have no bananas today (bananas today...) We've stringbeans, and onion Cabbages, and scallions, And all kinds of fruit and say...
	The music kicks and tempo picks up.
Food	We have an old-fashioned to-mah-to A nice juicy po-tah-to But yes, we have no bananas We have no bananas today!
Marvin	Oh, I love my vegetables! How are you, cabbage?
Cabbage	Oh, getting ahead!
Marvin	How's the artichoke?
Artichoke	Singing my heart out!
Marvin	Oh, what is wrong, asparagus?
Asparagus	I feel naked without my Hollandaise.
Marvin	Come on, tomato, you're slow!
Tomato	I'll ketchup.
Food	And yes, we have no bananas We have no bananas, We said no bananas, We have no bananas today!
	Applause. Marvin bows, curtains close.
Floyd	Hey, Kermit, my main frog.
Kermit	Yeah?
Floyd	You planning to book that last act?
Kermit	I doubt it.
Floyd	Oh, fantastic. We'll take it.
Kermit	Are you putting together a show?
Floyd	No, a dinner!
Animal	Yeah, soprano looked delicious!

Steve juggles

Scooter	OK, chief. Next up is a guy you'll love. Remember Rambling Guy? Here's Juggling Guy.
	Curtains open for Steve. The Muppets cheer. "Yeah! Yeah!"
Steve	And now... And now it's time for a little juggling.
Muppets	Whoo! Oh yeah.
Steve	Okay, first of all, I start with the easy stuff. First of all I juggle one. (tosses an orange up and down) Now, two. (juggles two in one hand) Now, three. (moves the third orange up and down in conjunction with the juggled oranges)
	The Muppets react accordingly, impressed or laughing.
Steve	(juggling all three oranges) Under the leg. (tosses an orange behind him and catches it) Now, Fozzie, can you catch this?
Fozzie	Yes.
	Steve tosses him an orange.
Steve	OK. Take it, toss it up in midair, OK?
Fozzie	OK!
	Fozzie tosses the orange on to the stage floor. Someone in the audience says "good throw, yeah." Steve goes to pick it up and a "squish" is heard.
Steve	Oh no! (Holds up squashed orange) I've killed it! (Muppets laugh) Eugh... (groaning)
	Enter the Swedish Chef, holding a juicer.
Swedish Chef	(mock-Swedish) ...juicy-wuicy woo. Ya?
	Steve and the Chef exit together, both speaking mock-Swedish.

The Flying Zucchini Brothers

Kermit	Okay, very funny, very funny!
Fozzie	Kermit, when you say "very funny," do you mean...?
Kermit	Fozzie, listen, don't worry about it. Nobody is gonna lose their job.
Fozzie	Ah! Oh, that's terrific.
Scooter	Excuse me, Kermit. I got one last act back here. It's a human cannonball act, the Zucchini Brothers.
	Curtains open, Zucchini Brothers take the stage.
Zucchini Brothers	Hey! Hey!
	A Zucchini Brother is loaded into the cannon, protesting in mock-Italian.
Zucchini Brothers	Hey, get-a the booma-booma. Hey! Hey! Push-a, push, push-a.
	A Zucchini Brother lights the fuse.
Zucchini Brothers	Lighta the booma-booma. Hey, hey!
	They aim the cannon and wait for it to fire...
Zucchini Brothers	Hey! No booma-booma. No booma-booma! Dud! Dud!
	They leave the stage and the unfired cannon. Curtains close.

"Dueling Banjos "

Kermit	Cut! Is that it, Scooter?
	Explosion! The cannon fires the Zucchini Brother into the wall beside Statler and Waldorf's box.
Kermit	Well, that's it. It's all over. What a night. Mm.
	Enter Steve Martin with his banjo.
Steve	Does that mean we can all go home?
Kermit	Yeah, it sure does, Steve. Listen, I hope you're not mad that we canceled the show.
Steve	Oh, no, just a little disappointed I didn't get to do the number I'd rehearsed with your jug band.
Kermit	I didn't know you'd rehearsed a number.
Steve	Oh, it was gonna be good, but no problem. Don't worry.
Kermit	Yeah, well, I would have liked to have seen it.
Steve	I knew he'd fall for it. Come on in, guys!
	Lubbock Lou and the Jughuggers enter, "yee-haw"-ing.
Steve	It goes a little bit like this.
	Steve and the jugband play "Dueling Banjos," briefly accompanied by the Fazoobs and the All Food Glee Club. Gramps plays a fiddle solo.
Jughugger	Ooh, get it, Gramps!
	Near the end, the Zucchini Brothers light up their cannon again. Steve plays nervously.
Zucchini Brother	Hey, it's another dud-a!
	The gang finishes their song triumphantly, and the cannon goes off. The Zucchini Brother whizzes out the stage door.
	All laughing and applauding.
Kermit	Great ending, great ending! Very nice!

Goodnights

Kermit	Well, you know, this is the time when I usually say the show is over. But it seems kind of silly since the show never actually begun. But if it had begun, I'd be saying, let's have a special thanks for Mr. Steve Martin!
Muppets	(cheering)
Steve	I can't tell you what a pleasure it's been for me not being on your show tonight.
Kermit	And if there's anybody left watching, we'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!
	Steve plays the theme song on his banjo as the credits roll.
Statler	Well, that was different.
Waldorf	Yep, lousy...
Both	But different! (laugh)