Cold open[]
Bobo approaches Arsenio, star-struck. | |
Bobo | Ohh, I can't believe it! Arsenio Hall, my favorite comedian! (shakes hands) |
Arsenio | Hello, Bobo. Very good handshake. |
Bobo | Oh, thank you. (does Arsenio's “woof-woof” cheer, laughs) Hey, Arsenio, do me a favor, huh? Let me hear one of your “things that make you go hmmmm …” Huh? |
Arsenio | That's very flattering, Bobo, but I'm moving on. That's behind me now. |
Bobo | Oh, really? Oh. Oh, you're doing kids' parties, huh? |
Arsenio | That's funny, Bobo. Actually, tonight I'm playing the clown in the opera Pagliacci. |
Bobo | Oh. |
Arsenio | And I'll be singing the aria, Vesti La Giubba. |
Bobo | Oh, wow. |
Arsenio | Check this out, Bobo, just chill. |
Bobo | Okay. Yeah. |
Arsenio | (sings a passage, then sneezes and coughs) Oh, I'm sorry, this cold is kicking my behind. |
Bobo | Oh, man, you've got it bad, huh? Hey, wait, look, I got somethin' for you. |
Arsenio | What you got? |
Bobo | Here you go. Check this stuff out. (hands him a bottle) |
Arsenio | I never heard of this. BearQuil? |
Bobo | Yeah, it's good stuff. My whole family uses it, trust me. |
Arsenio pours some into the cup-lid and takes a drink. | |
Bobo | Yeah. Yeah. It's the snorting, sneezing, kick-your-behind-till-you-hibernate medicine. |
Arsenio starts to quiver, then babbles violently as Bobo watches. | |
Bobo | Yeah. It's kickin' in. Here it goes, hittin' the lips. (laughs) There we go. Yep. Yeah, no, you got it. (laughs) |
Arsenio staggers to the piano, plays a few notes from Chopin's “Funeral March”, stiffens up, then collapses over the couch. | |
Bobo | Yeah. There you go — ooh. Ooh. (laughs) It's workin'. |
Theme[]
Patrons trample into the Muppet Theater. Clifford sings the theme song while wandering through the dressing room to the control room to the stage, as Jowls whistles. Clifford reaches the stage, goes to a wall and throws a switch which lights up the show's title. |
Backstage[]
Bobo still reacts to Arsenio's collapse, when Clifford, Rizzo, Dr. Bunsen and Beaker enter. | |
Bobo | (laughing) Oh, that's hysterical, Arsenio! |
Rizzo | Hey, yo, Arsenio! |
Dr. Bunsen | Woof-woof! |
Beaker | Woo-woo! |
Clifford | Hey. Hey, what's goin' on? |
Dr. Bunsen | (gasps) |
Clifford | Bobo, what did you do to Arsenio? |
Bobo | Oh, oh, y-you you missed it. Arsenio just did this great bit, where he dresses up like a clown, and then he takes a sip of my BearQuil there, and, and pretends like he's, you know, he's poisoned, you know –– (imitates gagging) |
Rizzo | So just exactly how much of that BearQuil did you give him? |
Bobo | Oh, I just gave him a, you know, a regular dosage, you know, it's only … |
Dr. Bunsen | (reads the bottle) Well, that is the prescribed amount for a 500-pound bear! |
Bobo | Yeah, yeah. |
Clifford | (feels Arsenio's pulse) Oh, man, Bobo! He's dead! Your BearQuil killed him! |
Bobo | (in disbelief) You're kidding me. I've been, I've been using that stuff for … for six months and, I feel like I'm –– |
He grabs his chest, writhes, and collapses. The gang gasps. | |
Clifford | Bobo! |
Bobo | (gets back up) I gotcha! (laughs) I gotcha! I got –– ahem. Sorry, it's the grief talkin'. |
Clifford | Aw, man. We got two minutes till the show, our guest star is dead, I'm freakin' out here! I'm vapor lockin'! I'm - I'm - |
Rizzo | (smacks him) Clifford! Snap out of it, buddy! Look, I've got a plan. First we dump this body in the basement, and then we find a new guest star. |
Dr. Bunsen | Oh, well, um — ah! Beaker does a rather convincing impersonation of Little Richard. |
Rizzo | Oh. |
Clifford | Really? |
Beaker sits at the piano and dons a wig. He turns around, revealing himself to be the real Little Richard. | |
Dr. Bunsen | Watch this... |
Clifford | Mm-hm. |
Little Richard | (meeps) |
Clifford | Aw, good try, Beaker, but that is the worst impersonation of Little Richard I've ever seen. |
Little Richard | (reacts sadly) |
Clifford | Oh, man, we've got to find somebody who can get us a guest star. Somebody with decades of experience, somebody with the wisdom of Solomon and the vision of DaVinci and the brilliance of Einstein. |
Dr. Bunsen | Well, there's only one person who could fit that bill. |
Rizzo | (holds the receiver) And I've got her on the phone! |
Clifford | You mean … |
Rizzo | Yes! |
All | Kathy Ireland! |
In the middle of shooting a workout video with extras, Kathy receives a phone call. | |
Kathy | (exercising) Three … four … (her phone rings) Whoops! Be right back, guys. (answers) Hello? |
Rizzo | Hey, Kathy, we got real trouble here. |
Kathy | Let me guess, you killed your guest star. |
Rizzo | Boy, are you good. |
Clifford | So what would you do to get a guest star, Kathy? |
Kathy | (sigh) Gosh, if I needed a guest star, I'd try sitting poolside in a bikini. |
Dr. Bunsen | Ooh, excellent idea. Beakie and I will get right on it. (they exit) |
Clifford | What if that doesn't work? |
Kathy | Well, you know, there is one more thing you could try, but it's a long shot. You'd need a lovable, talking bear. |
Bobo | Oh, no. Ohh, that's going to be tough. Talking bear? Huh, they're hard to find. |
Rizzo | Oh, pipe down, lovable talking bear. We gotta think here. |
Clifford | Yeah. |
Bobo | Oh! Wait a minute. That's it. I'll, uh, I'll go get Fozzie. |
Kathy | Wait, wait, wait. Use the bear that you've got right there. Bobo, you go out on the street and get a guest star. |
Bobo | Oh, aye aye, peaches. |
Clifford | Wait, wait, wait. Bobo killed our last guest star. |
Kathy | That's good! This will give him a chance to redeem himself. |
Bobo | Hey, good character arc. |
Kathy | Oh – gotta go. Time to abdominize! |
She hangs up, then notices Rizzo exercising in workout wear. | |
Kathy | What are you doing here? |
Rizzo | Huh? Oh, I jumped the split screen. I need buns of steel by Friday. Heh! |
Kathy | (shoves him) Get outta here! |
Show open / Johnny's Pasta Playhouse[]
Open on a swimming pool at a mansion. Statler and Waldorf sit at a table with three babes in bikinis, watching the show on a portable TV. On the show, Clifford takes the stage. | |
Clifford | He-he-hey! Welcome to Muppets Tonight. I'm your host, Clifford. (applause) That's right. Give it up. I know I have. Due to a slight guest star situation, Muppets Tonight has been pre-empted… |
Statler & Waldorf | Yay! |
Clifford | I'm not finished. |
Statler & Waldorf | Awwww. |
Clifford | … until we get a new guest star. In the meantime, here's a word from one of our sponsors. Let's take a look. |
Switch to a commercial. Johnny appears in a gallant auditorium setting covered with red curtains. Pan across to show several guests sitting in chairs, others gathered around a food cart as Sal waits on customers. | |
Johnny | Hello, I'm Johnny Fiama. How many times have you been watchin' a play, and by the second act, you're thinkin', “Boy, could I go for a nice plate of baked ziti right now!” Well, when you're at Johnny Fiama's Pasta Playhouse, we don't wait for the second act, 'cause when a curtain comes up, so does your food. … Sal, that don't sound right to me. |
Sal | No, that's the way you wrote it, Johnny. |
Johnny | Really? |
Sal | (shrugs) Yeah. |
Johnny | (shrugs) All right. (walks off) |
Sal | (follows him) Oh, Johnny, I think I burned the Strombolis. |
Johnny narrates as we see Dr. Phil and Mulch acting onstage. | |
Johnny | (narrating) And don't forget, all this week, live on stage, it's The Odd Couple, starring Tales from the Vet’s very own Dr. Phil van Neuter and Mulch. |
Dr. Phil van Neuter | Gravy? Oscar, where am I gonna get gravy at eight o'clock? |
Mulch | (gestures) |
Dr. Phil van Neuter | No, it doesn't just come when you cook the meat! Where do you come up with these ideas? |
Mulch | (gestures) |
Johnny | (narrating) Enjoy the witty dialog of America's poet lariat, Neil Simon, as your food is brought right to your seat, pipin' hot. |
Sal carries a plate and hands it to a customer in the aisle; the scalding plate gets passed across the row to the end. | |
Sal | Baked ziti, comin' through. Watch it, watch it, it's very very hot. |
Customer (BB) | Alright. (screams) |
The other customers yelp as the hot plate gets passed to the old lady at the end of the row. | |
Customer (LCR) | Hey! There's monkey hair in my ziti! |
Sal | Quiet! It's good for you! It's fiber! Now shhh! |
Switch to later. The audience is talking loudly during the play. | |
Dr. Phil van Neuter | Oh, Oscar! What am I going to do? The Pigeon sisters will be here any moment! |
Mulch | (grunts, points to ear) |
Dr. Phil van Neuter | Of course you can't hear what I'm saying! That's because nobody will listen while we're trying to perform! |
A meatball gets thrown in his face. | |
Dr. Phil van Neuter | Ow! Ow! Oh, oh … alright! Who threw that meatball? |
Mulch | (grunts) |
Dr. Phil van Neuter | Yes, I know I'm breaking character! But I'm not uttering another syllable till whoever threw that meatball comes forward! |
Zelda Rose stands up. | |
Zelda Rose | Ahem. |
Dr. Phil van Neuter | Mother?! How could you?? |
He makes a dramatic exit. | |
Customer (SW) | You've got good form there, lady. |
Switch to later… | |
Johnny | So remember, when you come to Johnny Fiama's Pasta Playhouse – Paul? |
The piano plays as he sings. | |
Johnny |
♪ Pile on the food and howl at the laughter, |
An explosion is heard, and Sal runs out of the smoky kitchen, screaming, driving everyone away. | |
Sal | GREASE FIRE IN THE KITCHEN!! |
Johnny | Huh? |
Sal | RUN! RUN! RUN! RUN! RUN! SAVE YOURSELF, JOHNNY! |
Johnny | Save mysel- no, no! Save the prosciutto! Save the prosciutto! |
Sal | THE PROSCIUTTO! THE PROSCIUTTO! |
Johnny | Save the prosciutto! |
Backstage: Hiding the Body[]
Clifford, Rizzo and Zippity Zap carry Arsenio's body wrapped in a rug. | |
Rizzo | (grunting) Hey, Clifford, this guest star weighs a ton! Maybe we really don't need to drag him all the way to the basement. |
Clifford | Well, what do you usually do with a dead body? |
Rizzo | I'm a rat. You don't wanna know. |
Kermit gets off the elevator with Christopher Darden and two cops. | |
Kermit | Hi, guys. |
Clifford | Huh? |
Kermit | I'd like you to meet Chris Darden and two of LA's finest. I'm just giving 'em a little backstage tour. |
Christopher Darden | Hey, Clifford, good to meet you. |
Clifford | (laughing nervously) Well, look who it is! It's Chris Darden! |
Rizzo and Zippity laugh nervously. | |
Christopher Darden | So, what do you have in the bag? A dead body? |
Rizzo and Clifford laugh. | |
Rizzo | Uh, yeah … we killed the guest star. |
Clifford | Yeah, yeah! |
Christopher Darden | Make sure you get him into the freezer before he goes bad. |
Rizzo | (bursts out laughing) |
Clifford | “Goes bad!” He goes bad! |
Rizzo | You know, Mr. Darden, can I just say somethin' here? I think you should have your own show, I really mean that. |
Christopher Darden | (serious) No, really … what's in the bag? |
Rizzo | Do you have a warrant? |
Christopher Darden | No. |
Rizzo | Then it's Arsenio Hall! |
They burst out laughing again, then start carrying the body away, leaving Kermit with Chris and the cops. | |
Rizzo | Arsenio Hall! |
Clifford | It's Jay Leno! Well, listen, we gotta get going. Oh, but it was really nice to meet you, Mr. Darden! |
Rizzo | So long! |
Clifford | Come on … |
Zippity Zap | (mumbles) |
Kermit | Okay. Uh, come on, guys, I'll give you that tour of the studio now. (they follow him) |
Christopher Darden | Sounds great. So where was I anyway? All throughout the trial, it was nothing but “Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!” |
Meanwhile, the three get tired and store the body in the closet. | |
Rizzo | (grunts) Oh, Clifford, my arms is gettin' tired. Can we just put Mr. Hall in the closet till we think of somethin'? |
Clifford | Yeah, yeah, you're right. You're right. Don't you think this whole thing is kinda weird? |
Rizzo | Weird? Nah, this is just slightly bizarre. You want weird? I can tell ya weird stories. |
Clifford | Never mind. Now let's put him down, nice and easy. |
Rizzo | Okay. (thud) Oof! |
Zippity Zap | (laughing) Oh, man, I dropped him on his head! |
Rizzo | Ha ha! Yeah! It wasn't nice, but it was easy! |
Clifford | Hey, that's not funny. Come on, let's go, let's go! |
Rizzo | Okay, okay. After you. |
They all leave the closet, not knowing that Dr. Phil and Mulch have been spying on them. | |
Dr. Phil van Neuter | Okay, come on, Mulch - |
They duck away while Rizzo shuts the closet and tiptoes away. Mulch opens the closet and grabs the body. | |
Dr. Phil van Neuter | Okay. Come on. Come on. Come on. Quick, quick, quick, quick, quick. Go get him. Hurry up! Oh! Finally, Mulch, the moment of triumph of our careers. We will bring back to life Arsenio Hall, in front of millions and millions of viewers! |
Mulch | (growls) |
Dr. Phil van Neuter | Oh, all right. Maybe a couple hundred. Come on. Come on. |
They carry the body away. | |
Dr. Phil van Neuter | Straight back to the lab, Mulch! Oh, our great Uncle Frankenstein would be so proud! |
Clifford, Rizzo and Zippity re-convene at the exit doors. | |
Clifford | Alright. Arsenio is tucked away safe and sound, and it's just our little secret, right, boys? |
Rizzo | Sure. |
Zippity Zap | No problem. |
Clifford | Wait a minute. How can you guys be so calm about all this? You act like you've done this kind of thing before! |
Rizzo | … I have no comment at this time on the advice of my attorney on the grounds that it might incriminate me. |
Zippity Zap | Ditto. |
Clifford | Alright, well, just remember, it's our little secret. |
Rizzo | Sure. No problem. Now, the main order of business is just to find a new guest star. |
Behind their backs, Dr. Phil and Mulch pass them, carrying the body. | |
Zippity Zap | Yeah, wonder how Bobo's doin' out there. |
Rizzo | Heh! I don't know. |
They walk off. |
Guest star search[]
Bobo stands outside the Tonight Show studio building, barking the open position. | |
Bobo | Muppets Tonight! Hey, we're looking for guest stars! Line up over here please. Muppets Tonight! Lookin' for guest stars… |
Jay Leno | Excuse me. Excuse me. |
Bobo | Yeah? |
Jay Leno | (cocky) I, uh, couldn't help but overhear, you're looking for a guest star, and I thought, uh, maybe I can help. |
Bobo | Oh, that's great. You're just the guy I'm looking for. |
Jay Leno | Hey, least I can do. I love the Muppets. |
Bobo | Yeah, great. Okay, so here - here's the plan. Uh, I'll stay here, and uh, you work the other side of the street there. Okay? Alrighty. Hey, Muppets Tonight! Looking for guest stars! |
Jay Leno | (aside) Must be a big Koppel fan. |
Bobo | Muppets Tonight! |
E.I.E.I.O.R.[]
Open on a hospital hallway, where a bandaged patient and a frog in a wheelchair scramble to get into the operating room, where Nurse Fozzie approaches a horse. | |
A. Ligator | And now for another dose of barnyard drama, on E.I.E.I.O.R. |
Fozzie | Wocka wocka wocka! Alright, what is wrong with you? |
Horse (BH) | I'm a little hoarse. |
Fozzie | Nonsense! You look plenty big to me. (honks his horn) |
Nearby, Dr. Payne handles a bedridden pig patient. | |
Dr. Payne | Alright, now you just relax while I take your blood pressure. |
Pig (BB) | Thank you, doctor. |
Dr. Payne | (starts pumping) Mm-hm. There we go. |
He answers the phone and keeps pumping, not noticing the patient beginning to inflate. | |
Dr. Payne | Oh – hello. Dr. Payne. … Yes. Hi, darling. |
Pig (BB) | Dr. Payne? |
Dr. Payne | Yes, dear. … I thought you bought that Saturday. |
Pig (BB) | Dr. Payne? |
Meanwhile, Fozzie addresses a bedridden dog patient. | |
Fozzie | Alright now, tell me, what is the last thing that you remember? |
Dog (KC) | The last thing I remember you asking me what's the last thing I remember. |
Fozzie | Hey, that's right! |
Dog (KC) | Am I cured? |
Fozzie | Nope! (honk!) Sorry! We only cure hams. Wocka wocka! |
Dog (KC) | Well, then I guess there's hope for you! |
Fozzie | Oh! (honk honk!) |
Meanwhile, Dr. Payne is still on the phone, still pumping the patient full of air, causing him to float upwards. | |
Dr. Payne | But honey pie - I'm sorry. I had no idea. I just – |
Fozzie | (looks up) Now, that's what I call high blood pressure! (honk!) |
Switch to another scene of Fozzie attending to a cow on a stretcher. | |
A. Ligator | Join us next time for another annoying episode of E.I.E.I.O.R., when you'll hear Dr. Fozzie say … |
Fozzie | Well - (honk) I think we've milked this bit for all it's worth. |
Cow (JN) | Booooo. |
Fozzie | Wait a second! I thought cows said “moo”! |
Cow (JN) | Not after that joke! Wocka wocka! |
Fozzie | Hey, that's my line! |
Cow (JN) | Aaaahhh. |
Fozzie | (honk honk!) |
Tales from the Vet[]
At the switchboard, Nigel gets a back massage from Eugene the weasel. Pepe approaches with his coffee order. | |
Pepe | Here are your coffees. Just like you like it, nice and strong – I hope you're wearing a seatbelt. (laughs) |
Nigel | (gets worked up) I don't have time for that now! In case you haven't noticed, I HAVE NOTHING ON THE AIR!! NOTHING!! |
Pepe | Oh, well, maybe you should cue Tales from the Vet. |
Nigel | Why?? |
Pepe | Well, because, it's scheduled to be on now, and everyone's on stage. |
Nigel | (calms down) … Good idea. Cue Tales from the Vet. |
He switches to the show: the camera goes down a dark, misty hallway, entering Dr. Phil's lab. | |
A. Ligator | Now it's time for another episode of Tales from the Vet. |
Dr. Phil van Neuter | (pops up) Hey-hee-hi-ho-YOU! Scared you, didn't I? Yes, always. Welcome to a very, very special edition of TALES FROM THE VET!! (switch to B-cam) Tonight, I, Dr. Phil van Neuter, will miraculously bring back to life, dead tissue! Mulch! |
Mulch emerges with a kleenex box. Phil knocks it away. | |
Dr. Phil van Neuter | No, no, no, not that kind of tissue, Mulch! Human tissue. Go, go, go, get outta here. (Mulch exits) Watch your mouth. What I'm talking about, is reanimating a HUMAN BEING, and a celebrity at that. May I present, the lifeless body, of the one, the only, America's favorite funny man, Mr. Arsenio Hall! |
He removes the sheet from the operating table, revealing Arsenio lying there on it. The audience applauds as Arsenio's theme plays. | |
Dr. Phil van Neuter | Yes, yes! Give it up! Give it up! |
He does Arsenio's cheer with Mulch. Clifford and Rizzo see this on the TV backstage. | |
Clifford | Arsenio? What's he doing out on stage? Rizzo, did anybody lock the closet? |
Rizzo | Uh, Zippity, uh, Clifford here would like to know why you didn't lock the closet! |
Zippity Zap | I wasn't supposed to lock the closet. You were! |
Rizzo | No, no, I distinctly remember him telling you! |
Zippity Zap | No, no, I distinctly remember Clifford telling you! He said that Riz— |
Rizzo | Uh-uh! Uh-uh! |
Back in the lab… | |
Dr. Phil van Neuter | Yes! And with the help of our magnetic re-vibifier, Mr. Hall will be back on his feet, good as new! Alright, Mulch … |
Mulch | Huh? |
Dr. Phil van Neuter | 17,000 volts should be just about enough electricity to gently wake Mr. Hall from his untimely sleep, shall we say. |
Mulch | (gestures “No – higher!”) |
Dr. Phil van Neuter | Okay! We'll round it out to an even 50,000 volts! That oughtta make him sit up and go “woof woof woof”! |
Mulch | “Woof woof woof”! (turns dials on the re-vibifier) |
Dr. Phil van Neuter | Ready! |
Mulch | (yelps) |
Phil throws the switch, which causes Arsenio to quickly sit up and go “woof!” but then he quickly goes back down. | |
Dr. Phil van Neuter | Yes! Yes, that's one woof! Two more woofs and we're in business! Let's crank this thing up to 100,000 volts! Okay … |
Mulch turns up the dials and gives the okay. | |
Dr. Phil van Neuter | Clear! |
He throws the switch, which sends Arsenio flying upward through the ceiling. Dr. Phil and Mulch celebrate. | |
Dr. Phil van Neuter | Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! |
Meanwhile, backstage… | |
Clifford | Aw, no. |
Zippity Zap | Aw, that ain't good. |
Rizzo | Well, look at this way, Clifford: things are lookin' up. |
Clifford | Yeah, way up. |
Zippity Zap | Wouldn'ta happened if you'da locked the closet. |
Rizzo | I wasn't supposed to lock the closet, YOU WERE! |
Zippity Zap | Not me! It was your job! |
Rizzo | It was YOUR job! |
The exchange continues. | |
Clifford | Stop it! |
Guest star search cont'd[]
Bobo talks on a payphone by the artists' entrance. | |
Bobo | Listen, Clifford, I got some bad news and some really bad news. Well, the bad news is, I'm having no luck finding a guest star. Uh, the real bad news is, I don't think they deliver pizza to phone booths. |
Jay Leno | (taps his shoulder) Hey! 'scuse me. 'scuse me. |
Bobo | Oh, uh, Clifford, look, I gotta run. I got a potential 911 here. (hangs up) Look, buddy, I don't think you want to mess with me. I'm a bear, you know. |
Jay slaps him in the face back and forth. | |
Jay Leno | Do you know who I am? I'm a little upset about this, alright? |
Bobo | Yeah. |
Jay Leno | Lemme give you a hint. I, uh, I host very popular talk show. |
Bobo | … Oh, you're Rosie! |
Jay slaps him in the face back and forth. | |
Jay Leno | I'm not Rosie! |
Bobo | Uh … |
Jay Leno | I'm on – I'm on every night. I'm on, tonight … uh, a tonight-type show. |
Bobo | Well, uh, look, pal. Uh, I know Jerry Springer. And you, sir, are no Jerry Springer. |
Jay slaps him in the face back and forth. | |
Jay Leno | Ya moron … |
Backstage[]
At the switchboard, Nigel panics as Eugene and Zippity Zap stand by. | |
Nigel | CLIFFORD! CLIFFORD! CLIFFORD! CLIFFORD! Where's Kermit? |
Clifford | You got me. (leaves) |
Nigel | Well where's Arsenio Hall? |
Dr. Phil van Neuter | (pops up) Well, his condition is stable. |
Nigel | Oh, so he's getting better. |
Dr. Phil van Neuter | No, I said his condition is stable. He's still dead! (ducks away) |
Nigel | … All right. That's it. I've had enough. There's nothing on stage, this happens every week. I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE!! (shakes Eugene) D'YOU HEAR WHAT I'M SAYING?? I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE, AND I MEAN IT THIS TIME! I'M QUITTING! I QUIT! I QUIT! I QUIT! D'YOU HEAR ME? THIS TIME I QUIT! GOOD RIDDANCE AND GOODBYE! I QUIT! (runs off) |
Zippity Zap | Okay. I'll take over. (speaks into mic) Get ready to cue The Real World: Muppets, and get me a double chocha with a zigzag. |
Eugene nods and runs off. Nigel comes back and shoves Zippity aside. | |
Nigel | Hey - that's my job. |
Eugene comes back with the order. | |
Nigel | Cue Real World and I'll have what he's having. Mm, thank you, Eugene. |
The Real World: Muppets[]
The opening montage plays as each Muppet narrates. | |
Clifford | (VO, seen sleeping in bed) This is the true story of five Muppets ... |
Bobo | (VO, seen shaving in front of a mirror) Picked to live in a house ... |
Darci | (VO, seen playing the guitar) And have their lives taped ... |
Bill | (VO, seen blowing bubbles) To find out what happens ... |
Rizzo | (VO, seen eating pizza) When Muppets stop being polite and start being real. The Real World: Muppets. |
The confessional... | |
Clifford | This week, I decided to call a roommate meeting to deal with all the recent complaints. |
The meeting … | |
Rizzo | Well, if no one else is gonna talk, I will. |
Bill | Good. |
Rizzo | Alright. First of all, I think we've all been living together here long enough … (looks at Bobo) for people to stop marking their territory. |
Bobo | Okay, alright. That would be me. I can't help it, you know? It's instinct. |
Rizzo | (fans his nose) Oh, yeah, it stinks, alright. Heh! |
Bobo | Won't happen again. D'oh … starting now. |
The others react to the odor. | |
Clifford | Oh, man, that's disgusting. |
Bill | It's enough to burn a bubble. |
The confessional... | |
Darci | Bobo is so … Bobo. |
Clifford | I decided to call another meeting to discuss a few more troubling issues. |
The meeting … | |
Rizzo | All right, #2, last week I made a point of labeling all of my food, but someone still keeps eating it anyway. It says Rizzo's Rat Chow, right on the boxes, and –– (notices Bobo) Hey, wait a second! That's one of them right there! |
Bobo | No, no, no. That's where you're wrong. If you look closely, it says “Bizzo's Rat Chow”. See? |
Zoom in on the box, which has a “B” drawn over the “R” in “Rizzo's”. | |
Rizzo | Yeah, but your name is not Bizzo. It's Bobo. |
Bobo | Not when I'm eatin' rat chow. |
The confessional... | |
Darci | Rizzo is so … Rizzo. |
The meeting … | |
Rizzo | Number 28 … |
Bill | Aw, brother! |
Rizzo | … in the middle of the night, someone keeps tipping over the trashcan and leaving fish guts all over the back porch. |
They all look at Bobo. | |
Bobo | Well – don't look at me. Sounds more like … Bizzo's work. |
They shake their heads. | |
Clifford | Aw man … |
The confessional... | |
Darci | Bizzo is so … Bobo. |
The meeting … | |
Bill | Who stole the detergent? |
Bill | (VO) Next week on Real World … |
Bill | (perks up) That was me. |
Bobo | You wipe your nose… |
Deliveryman (BH) | Hello? Got a triple cheese pizza here for Rizzo the rat. |
Bobo | (takes it) No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. That's, that's Bizzo the bat. |
Deliveryman (BH) | But uh, you're a bear. |
Bobo | Not when I'm eating cheese pizza. |
Rizzo | You're a dead bat, Bizzo. |
Bobo whacks him with the pizza box and strolls away. Rizzo chases him. | |
Rizzo | Hey! Come back with my… |
Guest star search cont'd[]
Back at the mansion, Bunsen and Beaker lounge poolside. | |
Dr. Bunsen | (sigh) Well, Beakie, Kathy Ireland's first theory of guest star attraction is flawed. We've been out here in bikinis all day and no one's paid any attention to us. |
Beaker notices a babe walk by. Statler and Waldorf sit next to them, still surrounded by babes. | |
Statler | Maybe you should trade up to a one piece! |
Waldorf | Yeah! Worked for us! |
They chuckle. |
Boarshead Revisited[]
Howard is strapped into a weight-reducing machine, with an apple in his mouth. Carter shuts the doors. | |
A. Ligator | Muppet Classic Theater presents Howard Tubman in, Boarshead Revisited: Steam and Steamability. |
Howard | (muffled) |
Carter | Sir? |
Howard | (muffled) |
Carter | Sir? |
Howard | (spits out the apple) I said, get this apple out of my mouth. |
Carter | Oh, very good, sir. |
Howard | No, too late, too late, too late. Carter, are you sure that this steam cabinet will help me lose weight without having to exercise? |
Carter | Well, perhaps we should turn it on, sir. |
Howard | Yes, yes, yes. Well, turn it on, man. |
Carter | Hm, very good. |
He turns the wheel and the machine starts to steam. | |
Howard | Why is this taking so long? |
Carter | But sir, you've just got in. |
Howard | Well, I've gotta get out! |
Carter | What? |
Howard | I've gotta get out! The walls are closing in! I'm getting claustrophobic! (screams) |
Carter | Relax, sir, relax! Relax, sir. |
Howard | Relax? |
Carter | Breathe deeply. In … out … |
Howard | Yes, breathe … Oh, what good will this do? (inhales) Oh! (inhales) Oh! (inhales) Oh … yeah, hey, that's better. Yeah. Turn it up, Carter. |
Carter | Very good, sir. (cranks it further) |
Howard | Hey, that's nice. Yeah. Okay … there you go. I'm fine. |
Carter | It's reaching critical mass, sir! |
Howard | Yeah, well, so are my thighs! Do it, man, do it! |
The machine explodes. When the steam clears, Howard's head is now bigger than his shriveled body. | |
Howard | (coughs) Oh my! –– I'm no bigger than a cocktail weenie! I – hmm, cocktail weenie? |
Carter | Oh dear … |
Howard | Carter, fetch me some sauerkraut and mustard. I'm going to eat myself. (laughs) |
Carter | I believe the steam has cooked your brain, sir. |
Howard | Ohh, sweetbreads! I'll have them first. (laughs) Yes sirree … (hums) |
Finale[]
Clifford frets backstage. | |
Clifford | Aw, what are we gonna do? We got no guest star, nothing to put on stage. All right, that's it. I'm just going to go out there and tell the audience the truth. |
Rizzo | Clifford, Clifford! Beaker's out there doing his Little Richard impersonation. |
Clifford | Really? I could just kiss that meep-meep-meepin' little carrot top. |
Rizzo | Clifford, watch your meep-meep-meepin' language. |
On stage, Little Richard performs “I Hear You Knockin'” accompanied by Animal and Zoot, with a big prop door being knocked on. | |
Clifford | Boy, that Beaker does a great Little Richard, doesn't he, Beaker? |
Beaker | (meeps) |
Clifford | (gasp) Beaker?!? |
Doglion, wearing a bow, breaks down the door. | |
Doglion | Alright, that's it! Come to mama, you little stud muffin! And don't you play hard to get! |
Little Richard | Good golly, Miss Molly! You looked different in daylight! (runs away) |
Doglion | (chases him) Ha ha ha! Come here, baby! Ha ha ha! |
Applause. | |
Clifford | Well, things worked out. I'ma go out and say goodnight, Nigel. |
Kermit | Wait a minute! Will somebody please tell me what happened to Arsenio Hall? I demand to know right this minute, what happened to Arsenio Hall? |
Arsenio crashes through the roof and lands on the floor. He gets up, miffed. | |
Kermit | Oh, there he is. |
Arsenio | Can I talk to you for a minute, please? |
Kermit | Uh, sure. |
Arsenio | Kermit, this place is crazy, man. I mean, first I get cold medicine from a bear, then some lunatic veterinarian shoots me 5000 feet into the air, and you know what? While I was up there, I could have swore I saw Chris Darden and Little Richard leaving the studio together. |
Kermit | Uh, well, they didn't actually leave together, they just left at the same time. |
Arsenio | And it was very weird. Look, I came to perform Pagliacci, and perform Pagliacci is what I plan to do! |
Kermit | Hmm. Uh, okay. |
Arsenio picks up a bass drum, goes onstage, and starts the aria. | |
Clifford | Well, at least he sounds like his cold is better. |
Kermit | Yeah, that's true. |
Gonzo | Hey, has anybody seen that bass drum that I filled with combustible C4 explosives? |
Clifford | Uh-oh … |
BOOM! An explosion happens onstage. | |
Clifford | Gonzo, why would you fill a bass drum with explosives? |
Gonzo | Uh, Clifford, everybody knows that when you keep explosives in a tuba, they get spit all over them. |
A beat. They disperse. | |
Kermit | Good point. |
Clifford | Yeah. |
Gonzo | That's what I thought. |
Guest star search wrap-up[]
Jay talks to Bobo. | |
Jay Leno | Look, I'm sorry about that little incident before, it's just – I can't believe you didn't recognize me. I'm Jay Leno, look, I host The Tonight Show, my picture's all over here. |
He displays an image of his likeness on the wall behind them. | |
Bobo | Sorry, it just doesn't ring a bell. |
Jay slaps him in the face back and forth. | |
Bobo | Oh, okay! Okay! Okay! |
Jay Leno | You're gonna push me too far! |
Kevin Eubanks | Jay, Jay - |
Jay Leno | What? |
Kevin Eubanks | 'sup, man, they need you inside. |
Bobo | Wow! Kevin Eubanks! |
Kevin Eubanks | Hey, how you doing? |
Jay Leno | Wait, you know him, but you don't know me? |
Bobo | Well, yeah, yeah. He's my favorite guitarist. Hey, I got all your CDs, Kevin. |
Kevin Eubanks | Thanks, man. |
Bobo | You know, you'd be a perfect guest for Muppets Tonight! |
Kevin Eubanks | I would? |
Bobo | Yeah! |
Kevin Eubanks | That's cool. Jay … |
Jay Leno | What? |
Kevin Eubanks | I'm not really feeling that good, man. You think I could just take tonight off? |
Bobo | Oh, oh, Kevin, hey, don't worry, I got some BearQuil. And that'll fix you right up, you know … |
They walk away, leaving Jay behind. | |
Jay Leno | (to the camera) It's going to be another one of those stupid HBO movies, I can tell! I see it comin'! (exits) |
The credits roll, with outtakes of the cold open, Dr. Phil and Mulch in the closet, and Nigel in the control room. |