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Episode 209: The Best of Muppets Tonight/transcript

< Episode 209: The Best of Muppets Tonight
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Cold open[]

Rizzo is sleeping in the darkened control room.
Rizzo Ma, ma, do not go for the cage, mom. It's a trap, no one leaves cheese hanging around an attic. Ma, ma. Ma! Maaaa!
Rizzo falls off the control panel, waking from his nightmare and screaming. Gonzo enters.
Gonzo Rizzo, Rizzo. Hey, take it easy. You're just having a bad dream.
Rizzo Oh, Gonzo. Wait a second, Gonzo. What are you doing around here? I thought Clifford gave everybody the week off.
Gonzo Oh, he did. I just came in to pick up my nasal floss.
Rizzo Of course you did.
Gonzo Hey, aren't you supposed to be running that tape of the show we recorded last week?
Rizzo Oh, no, that tape! Oh, jeez, the tape. That's right. Oh, what did I do with the tape? Oh, let me see. The last thing I remember was, oh yeah, yeah, Carl and I were having a cheese eating contest.
Gonzo Yeah? And then what happened?
Rizzo Well, well, this is coming back to me. There was Carl and there was the video machine. Oh, the tape got eaten?
Gonzo What!? The machine ate the tape?
Rizzo No, Carl.
Gonzo Carl ate the tape?
Rizzo No, Carl ate the machine.
Carl enters. He belches, spitting out a wad of video tape.
Gonzo Woah.
Carl Thank you!
Gonzo And to think he does all that without mustard.
Carl exits.
Rizzo Oh no. What are we going to do now?
Gonzo Well, I don't know. Let's see. I got an idea! I got an idea!
Rizzo Yeah, yeah yeah?
Gonzo How about this? Suppose we just run the best scenes from all of our shows hosted by us — you and me.
Rizzo Oh, wait a minute. Hosted by us? That's ridiculous. Gonzo, you and me hosting a show. Nobody's going to go for that.
Gonzo But we go on the air in one minute.
Rizzo Well, what are we waiting for? We got a show to host! I'll go get the tuxedos.
Rizzo runs off.
Gonzo (into the PA microphone) Carl, Carl, cue the opening credits! And don't eat them until they're over with.

Theme[]

Patrons trample into the Muppet Theater. Clifford sings the theme song while wandering through the dressing room to the control room to the stage, as Jowls whistles. Clifford reaches the stage, goes to a wall and throws a switch which lights up the show's title.

Introduction[]

Gonzo enter the stage.
Gonzo Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I am Gonzo the Great. As many of you probably know, Muppets Tonight has been on the air for over 3,000 years.
Rizzo runs onto the stage
Rizzo That's not right.
Gonzo Well, I'm approximating. And in that time, we have had the opportunity to launch the careers of many famous celebrities.
Rizzo Yes.
Gonzo Unfortunately, most of those tapes have been lost, destroyed, stolen...
Rizzo ...or eaten.
Carl (from off camera) Thank you!
Gonzo However, a few of those early celebrity appearances have survived. Let's watch, shall we?
Rizzo Yes!

Clip package #1[]

"The stars of tomorrow"[]

Gonzo and Rizzo are sitting on stool on the stage.
Gonzo Well, those were some of the stars of today.
Rizzo But who you ask are the stars of tomorrow?
Gonzo Well, you can be sure you won't be seeing them in these next clips.
Rizzo But what the heck? Let's watch anyway.

Clip package #2[]

"Speaking of surprising"[]

Gonzo and Rizzo are sitting on stool on the stage.
Rizzo That was surprisingly good.
Gonzo And speaking of surprising. Watch this.
Gonzo explodes in a puff of smoke and disappears.
Rizzo It's not exactly what I had in mind. Actually, I was just going to show a few more clips, but I guess you can watch while I try to put Gonzo back together. Oh boy.

Clip package #3[]

"Clips the critics love"[]

Gonzo and Rizzo are standing on stage.
Gonzo Here are some clips the critics love.

Clip package #4[]

"Clips like these"[]

Gonzo and Rizzo are on stage by some roadie cases.
Gonzo Well, if you haven't guessed by now, we're doing a "best of" show and what best of show is complete without clips like these?

Clip package #5[]

Musical clips[]

Gonzo and Rizzo are sitting on the roadie cases. Rizzo is playing an electric guitar and singing the blues.
Rizzo ♪ Well, I got to introduce the musical clips and I don't have a clue what to say. ♪
Gonzo Sing it, rat!
Rizzo ♪ Yeah, I got the musical clips coming out, but I don't know what to say. ♪
Together ♪ The producers gonna be steaming mad at ol' Rizzo today. ♪

Clip package #6[]

Television parodies[]

Gonzo is standing on stage.
Gonzo Thank you. We here at Muppets Tonight love to do television parodies. Some people might say that's biting the hand that feeds us.
Rizzo runs on and bites Gonzo's left hand.
Gonzo Ah! What'd you do that for?
Rizzo Well, you told me to bite the hand that feeds me.
Gonzo I don't feed you with that hand, I feed you with this hand. (gestures with right hand)
Rizzo runs around Gonzo and bites his right hand.
Rizzo My mistake.

Clip package #7[]

Muppets Tonight's Greatest Hits[]

Gonzo and Rizzo are on stage.
Gonzo You know, Rizzo.
Rizzo Yes, Gonzo?
Gonzo These clips are great, but I haven't seen any of my favorite moments.
Rizzo Which ones are those?
Gonzo The painful ones!
Rizzo All righty then. Well, here's a tape that we call "Muppets Tonight's Greatest Hits.

Clip package #8[]

  • A montage set to "Ode to Joy" of Muppets and guests being hit, smashed, thrown, or exploded.

Closing tag[]

Gonzo and Rizzo walk off stage laughing.
Rizzo That was great, Gonzo. You know, we really pulled it off.
Gonzo Yeah. Nice work, old buddy.
Rizzo Thanks.
The two walk past Statler and Waldorf.
Statler That went well.
Gonzo Hey, what are you two doing here?
Statler Well, we just finished broadcasting our own show called "The Worst of Muppets Tonight."
Rizzo Really? What did you show?
Waldorf The same thing you did!
The credits roll, featuring outtakes of Pepe and Seymour's "ela-if-i-know" routine from episode 107, Clifford with Sandra Bullock in episode 107, Pepe and Seymour as Jason Alexander's conscience from episode 108, and Gary Cahuenga talking to Prince from episode 201.
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