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The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 212: Bernadette Peters.

Cold open

The dressing room. Scooter knocks and peers in.
Scooter Bernadette Peters. Oh, 15 seconds to curtain, Miss Peters!
Bernadette Thanks, Scooter, and uh … thank the Swedish Chef for sending in this lovely chicken sandwich.
The chicken is still alive.
Bernadette Suddenly, I'm not hungry.


Kermit It's The Muppet Show, with our special guest star Miss Bernadette Peters! Yaayyy!
The curtain opens, and the theme begins.
Statler No, please don't make me watch it!
A balloon comes out of Gonzo's trumpet, but fails to blow up all the way.

Opening number

Main stage. Kermit enters to applause, wearing a tux.
Kermit Okay! Thank you, thank you, thank you. Right, and welcome again to The Muppet Show. Hey, we have a wonderful show for you tonight, because our guest star is one of the all time multitalented, beautiful ladies of the world, Miss Bernadette Peters. (applause) Okay, but first of all — first of all, we've got an opening number, which features me. I do sing and dance occasionally, so you'll know I'm not just another pretty face.
The audience laughs. Piggy comes onstage, preening herself.
Miss Piggy Uh, Kermie, my love?
Kermit Mmm?
Miss Piggy About the opening number. It is a, uh, duet.
Kermit That's true.
Miss Piggy I wish you'd told me earlier. I don't have time to learn the lyrics.
Kermit Oh, that's okay. I'm doing it with Miss Mousey. (walks off)
Miss Piggy Miss Mousey? MISS MOUSEY??!?
She runs after him. The curtain opens, and Kermit and Miss Mousey do a duet of "How Could You Believe Me".
In the balcony, Piggy stands behind Statler and joins him in booing.
Statler Boo! Hiss! Terrible.
Miss Piggy Boo! SSSS!
Statler I hated it.
Waldorf Really? I kind of liked it.
Statler Well, the pig doesn't have you in a hammerlock. Ohh! Boo! Hiss! Terrible!
Miss Piggy Boo.


Robin sits on the floor.
Robin Let's see if I've got it right now. Ahem. "Uncle Kermit, despite my small size and diminutive sta —"
Kermit enters the frame.
Kermit Okay, hey, listen, uh, big monsters on stage for the Bernadette Peters number!
Sweetums, Thog and Timmy pass by and almost step on Robin.
Kermit Come on, you guys. Move it. Move it. Come on. Move it. Move it.
Robin Look out! You almost stepped on me.
Kermit Aw, come on now, you can't go on stage looking like that. Now get back out there! You gotta brush your hair.
The monsters walk over Robin again, in the other direction.
Kermit Come on! Bernadette Peters is a big star. You gotta clean up. Clean up. Come on, come on, we don't have much time.
Robin Aw. Nobody ever notices me. Uh, "Uncle Kermit, uh, despite my small size and diminutive stature…"
The monsters walk over Robin again, onstage.
Kermit Okay, come on! HURRY UP! HURRY UP! The number is about to start! Get on stage, get on stage!
Robin … "I'm known to be the center of attraction wherever I go, and I want a feature part in the show!" Aww, rats.

"Take a Little One Step"

Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit And now, ladies and gentlemen, one of the loveliest ladies in all of show business …
Miss Piggy Uh, Kermie, you're not bringing that Miss Mousey back, are you?
Kermit Uh, no, this is our guest star, Bernadette Peters.
Miss Piggy Well, you're not singing with her, are you?
Kermit No, no, no, no. She's working with some of our big, ugly, shaggy beasts.
Miss Piggy Sounds like Miss Mousey to me. (exits)
Kermit Will you get out of here! Ladies and gentlemen, the beautiful Miss Bernadette Peters.
The curtain opens. Bernadette Peters sings "Take a Little One Step" while dancing with Sweetums, Thog, and Timmy.
Waldorf Wow, wonderful, wonderful. That Bernadette Peters is terrific.
Statler Well, I reserve judgment.
Waldorf Till when?
Statler Till the pig tells me what to say.
Miss Piggy Bernadette Peters you can like.
Statler I loved her, I loved her!
Waldorf Good, good.
Miss Piggy It's the mouse you gotta hate.
Statler I hated her!
Waldorf Terrible mouse!
Statler Yeah, rotten!
Waldorf Boo!
Statler Boo!


In the prop room, Robin is nowhere to be seen on camera.
Robin Aw, gee. I'm so small, they don't even see me most of the time.
Audience: "Awww." Robin pops up from behind an open suitcase.
Robin And then when they do, they don't think I can do anything right.
Robin Well, I'll show 'em. I'm running away. The next time they turn around and don't see me, I'll be gone. Then they'll see I can do something right.
He accidentally shuts himself in his own suitcase.
Robin Aw, rats.


Three chickens play "Chopsticks" on the piano.

Veterinarian's Hospital

Open on Nurse Piggy, fooling around with some tongue depressors. Noticing she's on camera, she takes her position at the operating table.
Announcer And now, Veterinarian's Hospital, the continuing stoooory of a quack who's gone to the dogs.
Rowlf (speaking into the stethoscope) Testing, one, two, three. Mm? Oh. Ahem.
Janice Oh, here, Dr. Bob. Here's your next patient.
Rowlf Oh.
He uncovers a shoe on the operating table.
Rowlf Hey! This is just a shoe. What happened to the rest of him?
Miss Piggy Maybe he got cold feet.
They all laugh.
Rowlf Now, let's see what's wrong with him. A-ha! It's an eight and a half triple D.
Janice Eight and a half triple D?
Rowlf That's about the size of it. (laughs with Piggy)
Miss Piggy Oh, Dr. Bob, what are you going to start on?
Rowlf The shoe string. A lot of people start on a shoestring.
Janice Well, what do you think, Dr. Bob?
Rowlf Simple. It's arsenic poisoning.
Janice Arsenic?
Rowlf Sure, just look at this old lace.
Miss Piggy Arsenic and Old Lace?
They all laugh.
Miss Piggy Dr. Bob, Dr. Bob, that's an old show.
Rowlf Well, that's an old shoe.
Janice Well, that's an old joke.
They all laugh.
Miss Piggy Oh, Dr. Bob, aren't you going to examine the patient?
Rowlf Uh, yes. Hey, shoe, stick out your tongue and say "ahh".
Shoe (sticks out tongue) Ahh.
Janice Dr. Bob, the tongue has a coat on it.
Rowlf Of course, it's cold outside.
Janice How do you know?
Rowlf Oh, the leather outside is frightful …
They all laugh.
Miss Piggy Dr. Bob. You're not going to sing a song now, are you?
Rowlf Why not? There's no business like shoe-business.
They all laugh, and look up when they hear the announcer.
Announcer And so, once again, Dr. Bob is barking up the wrong shoe tree.
Rowlf Woof woof!
Announcer Tune in next time, when you'll hear Nurse Piggy, Nurse Janice and Dr. Bob sing...
All He'll never walk alone!
They all laugh.

UK spot

Uncle Deadly and the Sheikh's Wife sing "Sheik of Araby."

The Ant and the Grasshopper

Sam stands by a small stage holding a book as harpsichord music plays.
Sam the Eagle What — now? Oh. Ahem. Ladies and gentlemen, I, Sam the Eagle, will now read a fable, which should serve as a moral lesson to us all. Ahem. Once upon a time, there was an ant and a grasshopper.
They appear on the stage.
Sam the Eagle It was warm and sunny where they lived. But the ant worked day and night, from dawn to dusk, storing food for the long, hard winter he knew would come.
Ant Ohh, toil and labor, work and strife, are all that matter in this life.
Sam the Eagle Oh, the ant is a wonderful character. But meanwhile, the lazy, pleasure-loving grasshopper sang and danced with appalling abandon.
Grasshopper Winter will fall and snow will come, but now it's time to have some fun. Hoo hoo!
Sam the Eagle Shocking! Shocking! And eventually, just as expected, winter came.
The "winter" backdrop is lowered.
Sam the Eagle Very nice. And then it was, dear listeners... ahem. (turns the page) ... that the grasshopper drove his sports car to Florida, and the ant got stepped on. What?
Both of those things happen onstage.
Sam the Eagle Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! That was not in the script! Someone changed it! We'll — we'll have to do it again! (facepalms)
Statler The grasshopper drove to Florida. (laughs)
Waldorf The ant got stepped on. (they laugh)
Sam the Eagle Will you stop that?
Waldorf (whimpers) Why are they picking on us tonight?
Statler (mumbles) I dunno …

Dressing room

Bernadette powders her face in the mirror. Robin pops up.
Robin Ahem! Hello, Miss Peters.
Bernadette Oh! Hello, Robin. I didn't see you.
Robin Yeah, most people don't. Listen, I'm running away from home, but I — I did want to stop and say goodbye.
Bernadette Oh, you're running away from home? How come?
Robin Well, because nobody notices me around here.
Bernadette Oh, really? I hadn't noticed.
Robin (nods) See? I mean, no one cares about a six-ounce frog.
Bernadette Robin, you've got to believe in yourself.
Robin Hmm?
Bernadette If just one person believes in you, (music swells up) deep enough and strong enough, believes in you…

Hard enough, and long enough,
Before you knew it, someone else would think,
"If he can do it, I can do it"…

Kermit shows up.
Bernadette Making it …
Bernadette, Kermit

Two whole people who believe in you,
Deep enough, and strong enough, believe in you,
Hard enough and long enough, there's bound to be some
Other person who believes in making it a threesome, making it …

Bernadette, Kermit, Fozzie

People you can say believe in me.

Scooter, Gonzo, Droop, Rowlf, Green Frackle and Miss Mousey join them.
Bernadette & Muppets

And if three whole people, why not four?
And if four whole people, why not more, and more, and more…
And when all those people believe in you,
Deep enough, and strong enough, believe in you,
Hard enough, and long enough, it stands to reason,
You yourself will start to see what everybody sees in you …
And maybe even you (maybe even you …)
Can believe in you, too.

She gives Robin a kiss. Applause.

The Swedish Chef

Open on the Chef, with a chicken in a box of hay. He waves two spoons and sings.
Swedish Chef (sings in mock Swedish) … Børk børk børk!
He tosses the spoons.
Swedish Chef (mock Swedish) … de lîttël chïcky-bøo. And de chïcky-bøo … (points to a frying pan) … lay de ëgg.
The chicken refuses the Chef's commands. The Chef waves a meat cleaver.
Chicken Oh, okay! Okay! (clucks)
The Chef looks under the chicken and picks up a bomb with a lit fuse.
Swedish Chef (mock Swedish) … de bøøm?
Explosion. The chicken laughs.


Kermit Okay. Is he all right? (Scooter runs by and nods) Good. Okay.
Robin Hi, Uncle Kermit.
Kermit Oh, hi there, Robin.
Robin Hey, I feel just great after talking to Bernadette.
Kermit Good.
Robin Yeah. Say, listen, can I do a song on the show tonight?
Kermit Oh, funny you should mention it, Robin, you know, I was just thinking the same thing.
Robin Oh, boy! Look, the way I see it …
Kermit Mm-hm?
Robin … the curtain opens, and I'm standing there in a spotlight.
Kermit Mm-hm.
Robin The music swells and I sing, Away out here, they've got a name …
Kermit Oh, no, no, no, no, no. "They Call the Wind Maria"?
Robin Yeah. Great, huh?
Kermit Uh, Robin, that's ridiculous. No no no, listen. I have a cute little song here that's much more fitting to a frog your age. It's called "I'm Five."
Robin It's called cute and yucky. I don't wanna do it.
Kermit Okay. Forget it.
Robin Oh, hey. Is that any way to treat a performer? I'm gonna get an agent! I'm gonna get a lawyer! (runs away)
Kermit Uh, I'm gonna get your father.
Robin (comes back) I'm gonna get right out and learn this cute little song. (runs off with the sheet music)
Kermit I thought he'd see it my way. (exits)

Muppet Labs

Dr. Bunsen Honeydew Welcome again to Muppet Labs, where the future is being made today. Dr. Bunsen Honeydew here with news to set you a-quiver. Beaker. Beaker, dear lad, come over here.
Beaker comes to Bunsen.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew Oh, Beaker, you forgot the beaker. Now, get the beaker, Beaker. Go on.
Beaker goes to fetch it. Bunsen addresses the crowd.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew You are about to see the first sample ever isolated of the new element Bunsonium, contained in this self-same beaker here.
He passes it to Beaker. Beaker passes it back out of fear.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew So far we have found no use for Bunsonium. We already know that it does not remove paint, it isn't a good glue, and when used as a shampoo, it produces unusual side effects. Right, Beaker?
Beaker sighs, removes his hair and sticks it back on.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew So today, we begin an experiment to see what Bunsonium does when taken internally.
They pass it back and forth again.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew My assistant Beaker here will now drink the Bunsonium.
Beaker gasps.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew That's all right. There, there, Beaker. Just take a teensy little sip at first, and remember not to get carried away and gulp the whole thing. Go ahead. It's all right. Go on.
Beaker reluctantly sips the solution and starts to quiver.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew Good. And now, in just a few moments, we shall know exactly what Bunsonium does.
Beaker's head deflates.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew Oh, so that's what Bunsonium does. Come, Beaker, let's go find a bicycle pump and pump you back up.

"I'm Five"

Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit Well, it's introduction time. So here he is, my own cute little nephew, Robin, singing "I'm Five".
Open on Robin sitting in a big easy chair. After he sings the cute little song, he gets applause.
Robin And now for my next number — Away out here they've got a name, for wind and rain and fire…
He is yanked offstage by a cane.

Muppet newsflash

Newsman Here's a Muppet newsflash. (runs to the desk) Dateline The Muppet Show. It has been reported just moments ago that a large, heavy object was dropped from the ceiling. Further developments will...
KLANG! An anvil falls on him.

"Apple Jack"

Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit Olay, and now let's go down home for a little singin', a little banjo pickin' and a little "Apple Jack" with the lovely Miss Bernadette Peters.
Bernadette sings "Apple Jack" with Lubbock Lou and his Jughuggers.


Kermit Okay. Well, we did the beginning part of the show, and then we did the middle part, so this has to be the end part. So let us have a warm thank you to our very special guest, Miss Bernadette Peters!
Bernadette Thank you, Kermit. You know, it's really been fun. But I especially want to thank Mr. Big, Robin the Frog.
Robin (sitting on her shoulder) Aww, gee, Bernadette. Thanks a lot. Hey, I really had a great ti— WHOA! (he falls off)
Kermit Hey, we'll see you next time on The Muppet Show. Okay?
Bernadette (picks him up) He's OK.
The credits roll.
Statler Seriously, what'd you think of Miss Mousey?
Waldorf I loved her.
Statler Me too.
Miss Piggy (pops up) What?!
Statler & Waldorf (cowering) No, we didn't!
Miss Piggy Thank you.