Episode 212: Bernadette Peters/transcript

[Knocking]

Bernadette Peters. Oh, 15 seconds to curtain, Miss Peters.

Thanks, Scooter, and thank the Swedish Chef for sending in this

lovely chicken sandwich.

[Squawks]

Suddenly I'm not hungry.

[Drumroll]

It's The Muppet Show, with our special guest star Miss Bernadette Peters.

[Applause]

1. Lt's time to play the music Lt's time to light the light

1. Lt's time to meet The Muppets on The Muppet Show tonight

1. Lt's time to put on makeup Lt's time to dress up right

1. Lt's time to get things started.

No, please, don't make me watch it.

1. Lt's time to get things started

1. On the most sensational Lnspirational, celebrational

1. Muppetational This is what we call

1. The Muppet Show #

[trumpet shrieks]

OK, thank you, thank you, thank you.

Right, and welcome again to The Muppet Show.

We have a wonderful show. Our guest star is one of the all time multitalented,

beautiful ladies of the world, Miss Bernadette Peters.

[Applause]

OK, but first of all we've got an opening number which features me.

I do sing and dance, so you'll know I'm not just another pretty face.

Kermie, my love?  Mmm?

About the opening. It is a duet.  That's true.

I wish you'd told me earlier. I don't have time to learn the lyrics.

Oh, that's OK. I'm doing it with Miss Mousie.

Miss Mousie?

Miss Mousie!

[# How Could You Believe Me]

Boo! Hiss! Terrible. I hated it.  Boo!

Really? I kind of liked it.

Well, the pig doesn't have you in a hammerlock.

Boo! Hiss! Boo!  Boo.

Let's see if I've got it right now. [Clears throat]

Uncle Kermit, despite my small size and diminutive stature...

OK. Hey, listen, big monsters on stage for the Bernadette Peters' number.

Come on, you guys. Move it. Move it. Come on. Move it. Move it.

Look out, you almost stepped on me.

Come on, you can't go on stage looking like that.

[Robin mumbling]  You gotta brush your hair.

Bernadette Peters is a big star. You gotta clean up.

Come on, come on, we don't have much time.

Aw. Nobody ever notices me.

Uncle Kermit, despite my small size and diminutive stature...

The number is about to start. Get on stage, get on stage.

...and I want a feature part in the show.

Aww, rats.

And now, one of the loveliest ladies in all of show business.

Kermie, you're not bringing that Miss Mousie back, are you?

No, this is our guest star Bernadette Peters.

Well, you're not singing with her, are you?

She's working with some of our big, ugly, shaggy beasts.

Sounds like Miss Mousie to me.

Will you get out of here!

Ladies and gentlemen, the beautiful Miss Bernadette Peters.

[# Take a Little One Step]

Wow, wonderful, wonderful. That Bernadette Peters is terrific.

I reserve judgment.  Till when?

Till the pig tells me what to say.

Bernadette Peters you can like.  I loved her, I loved her!

It's the mouse you gotta hate.

I hated her.  Terrible mouse.

Boo!  Boo!

[Robin] Aw, gee. I'm so small, they don't even see me most of the time.

And then when they do, they don't think I can do anything right.

Well, I'll show 'em. I'm running away.

The next time they turn around and don't see me, I'll be gone.

Then they'll see I can do something right.

[Grunt]

Aw, rats.

[# Chopsticks]

[Clucking]

[Announcer] And now, Veterinarian's Hospital,

the continuing story of a quack who's gone to the dogs.

Testing, one, two, three. Mm? Oh.

Over here, Dr. Bob. Here's your next patient.

Oh.

This is just a shoe. What happened to the rest of him?

Maybe he got cold feet.  [All laughing]

Now, let's see what's wrong with him. A-ha! It's an eight and a half triple D.

Eight and a half triple D?  That's about the size of it.

[All laugh]

Dr. Bob, what are you going to start on?

The shoe string. A lot of people start on a shoestring.

What do you think, Dr. Bob?  Simple. It's arsenic poisoning.

Arsenic?  Sure, just look at this old lace.

Arsenic and Old Lace.  [All laughing]

Dr. Bob, Dr. Bob, that's an old show.

Oh, that's an old shoe.  Well, that's an old joke.

[All laughing]

Oh, Dr. Bob, aren't you going to examine the patient?

Yes. Hey, shoe, stick out your tongue and say "ah".

[Shoe] Ahh.

Dr. Bob, the tongue has a coat on it.

Of course, it's cold outside.  How do you know?

1. Oh, the leather outside is frightful #

[all laughing]

Dr. Bob. You're not going to sing a song now, are you?

Why not? There's no business like shoe-business.

[All laughing]

[Announcer] So, once again, Dr. Bob is barking up the wrong shoe tree.

Woof woof!

Tune in next time when you'll hear Nurse Piggy, Nurse Janice and Dr. Bob sing...

[all] # He'll never walk alone #

[# The Sheik of Araby]

[Crashing]

[Gong clatters]

What, now? Oh. Ahem.

Ladies and gentlemen,

I, Sam the Eagle, will now read a fable,

which should serve as a moral lesson to us all.

"Once upon a time, there was an ant and a grasshopper.

00:12:50 It was warm and sunny where they lived.

00:13:00 But the ant worked day and night, from dawn to dusk,

00:13:00 storing food for the long, hard winter he knew would come."

[Ant] Toil and labor, work and strife,

are all that matter in this life.

Oh, the ant is a wonderful character.

"But meanwhile, the lazy, pleasure-loving grasshopper

00:13:20 sang and danced with appalling abandon."

Winter will fall and snow will come, but now it's time to have some fun.

[Hoots]

Shocking, shocking.

And eventually, just as expected, winter came.

Very nice.

And then it was, dear listeners...

The grasshopper drove his sports car to Florida and the ant got stepped on.

What?

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! That was not in the script.

Someone changed it. We'll have to do it again.

[Groans]

The grasshopper drove to Florida.  The ant got stepped on.

Will you stop that?

Why are they picking on us tonight?  [Statler mumbles]

[Clears throat] Hello, Miss Peters.

Oh, hello, Robin. I didn't see you.

Most people don't.

Listen, I'm running away from home, but I did want to stop and say goodbye.

Oh, you running away from home? How come?

Oh, because nobody notices me around here.

Oh, really? I hadn't noticed.

See? I mean, no one cares about a six-ounce frog.

Robin, you've got to believe in yourself.

If just one person believes in you,

deep enough and strong enough, believes in you...

[# Just One Person]

[Music playing]

[Humming]

[Speaking mock Swedish]

[Clucking]

OK. Is he all right? Good. OK.

Hi, Uncle Kermit.  Hi, Robin.

Hey, I feel just great after talking to Bernadette.

Good.  Can I do a song on the show tonight?

Funny you should mention it, Robin. I was thinking the same thing.

Oh, boy. Look, the way I see it,

the curtain opens and I'm standing there in a spotlight.

The music swells and I sing,

1. Away out here, they've got a name #

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. They Call the Wind Maria?

Yeah. Great, huh?  Robin, that's ridiculous.

No, listen. I have a cute little song here that's fitting to a frog your age.

It's called L'm Five.

It's called cute and yucky. I don't wanna do it.

OK. Forget it.

Oh, hey. Is that any way to treat a performer?

I'm gonna get an agent. I'm gonna get a lawyer.

I'm gonna get your father.

I'm gonna get right out and learn this cute little song.

I thought he'd see it my way.

Welcome again to Muppet Labs where the future is being made today.

Dr. Bunsen Honeydew here with news to set you aquiver.

Beaker, Beaker, dear lad, come over here.

Oh, Beaker, you forgot the beaker. Now get the beaker, Beaker.

Go on.

You are about to see the first sample ever isolated of Bunsonium,

contained in this self-same beaker here.

So far we have found no use for Bunsonium.

We already know that it does not remove paint, it isn't a good glue,

and when used as a shampoo, it produces unusual side effects. Right, Beaker?

[Sighs]

Today we begin an experiment to see what Bunsonium does when taken internally.

My assistant Beaker here will now drink the Bunsonium.

[Shrieks]

That's all right. There, there, Beaker.

Take a teensy little sip at first

and remember not to get carried away and gulp the whole thing.

Go ahead. It's all right. Go on.

[Slurping]

Good. And now, in just a few moments,

we shall know exactly what Bunsonium does.

[Whooping]

[Air whooshing]

Oh, so that's what Bunsonium does.

Come, Beaker, let's go find a bicycle pump and pump you back up.

[Mumbling]

Well, it's introduction time.

So here he is, my own cute little nephew, Robin, singing L'm Five.

[# L'm Five]

[Applause]

And now for my next number:

1. Away out here they've got a name

1. For wind and rain and fire #

[man] Here's a Muppet newsflash.

Dateline The Muppet Show.

It has been reported that a large heavy object was dropped from the ceiling.

Further developments will...

OK, and now let's go down home for a little singin',

a little banjo pickin' and a little Apple Jack

with the lovely Miss Bernadette Peters.

[# Apple Jack]

OK. Well, we did the beginning part of the show,

and then we did the middle part, so this has to be the end part.

So let us have a thank you to our very special guest, Miss Bernadette Peters.

[Applause]

Thank you, Kermit. You know, it's really been fun.

But I especially want to thank Mr. Big, Robin the Frog.

Aww, gee, Bernadette. Thanks a lot. Hey, I really had a great time.

[Robin yells]

Hey, we'll see you next time on The Muppet Show.

OK?  He's OK.

What'd you think of Miss Mousie?

I loved her.  Me too.

What?  [Both] No, we didn't!

Thank you.

just like the ones that you see right here.

And now, in the midst of our annual fundraising drive...

It's time for that drive again.

This lovely creature has to be fed occasionally,

Otherwise he gets very, very...

There you go. Have a nice little snack, boy.

All better. By the way, Shepherd's Institute

has only reached its halfway mark in this year's fundraising effort.

One moment, please.

Mama!

This sweetheart has to be played with, otherwise he gets very irritable.

[Babbling]

You sweetheart you. Good morning.

[Growling]

A little milky, a little milky. Milky!

It's good!

Good. OK.

As you can see, we care for all their needs.

[Grunts] If an animal has a need,

we fill it. [Grunts]

This sweetheart of a creature loves to be sung to occasionally,

otherwise he gets irritable.

[Singing] [Grunting]

Very nice, very nice.

All right. The point is, if you send in your donations, you'll be very happy.

[Grunting]

If you send in your donations, you'll be happy...

Here you go. [babbling]

[Singing] [Grunting]

The point is, that if you do so, these are all tax deductible...

[all grunting]

[Laughing] No! Wait! I'm ticklish!

[Singing]

All right, here you go, here you go. That's a beauty.

You see the point is, we love them with all our hearts. We do.

Just a moment now. Open wide!

[Babbling]

Wait a minute! Ooh! Holy mackerel!

Just... [sings]

Oh! There's nothing left to eat. Here. Have this.

Ooh! Ooh!

By the way, all of these creatures are up for adoption.

If you have a spare room in your house, give us a break.

Ooh! For instance, if you adopt this guy right here,

you will never know the meaning of the word garbage.

Just a minute. Hold it, hold it.

[Sings]

Oh! Wait a minute! Oh, please!

Whoa! My goodness!

Please, help! I mean, really, help! Help!

Kermie? Kermie, you wanted to see me?

Yes, Miss Piggy. I couldn't help but overhear

that conversation about that offer you got from the other show.

Oh, Kermie, I am so sorry! I didn't want you to hear that.

Oh, that terrible boy!

Yeah, well, actually, I'm kinda glad that I did.

Because I have come to a decision that I think will make you very happy.

Oh?

I've decided to let you go. You've what?

You see, Piggy, I don't want to stand in your way.

But... but, Kermie...

Good luck, kid.

Oh. Well, then I suppose this is goodbye.

Oh, yes. Goodbye, Piggy.

Well, I'll just go clean out my dressing room, then.

That would be very nice. Thank you.

[Sobbing]

You'll... You'll explain to everyone what happened, Kermie?

Oh, sure.

What a ham.

Kermie, I can't leave you! [Sobbing]

I can't leave you. I tried.

Well, does this mean you want your job back?

[Sobbing]

Oh, good. But incidentally, though...

...you will have to take... you will have to take a pay cut.

What?

Well, sure, if you can afford to pay off the audience,

and buy all those flowers and furs, and the mail and stuff,

then I think you can... You knew all the time!

[Screaming]

OK, how come is it, do you suppose, that the world doesn't know

that Dom DeLuise is a singer as well as a comedian?

Well, let us let the world find out.

Ladies and gentlemen, here he is, Dom DeLuise!

Thank you. Thank you.

May I stop for one second? I'll tell you the truth.

Piggy's backstage, and she's very upset.

She's miserable, I'd like to bring her out for just...

Piggy, Piggy, come over here now.

[Cheers and applause]

Cool it, cool it! He knew.

Piggy, you're upset.

Things have not been going very well between you and Kermit, right?

Dom, Dom, Dom. Piggy. Piggy.

A woman sometimes feels so alone. Alone?

But you're not alone. Look at me.

You're here, I'm here, us is here.

Us is here?

I mean, we got us.

[Piano plays]

Don't you understand? Oh, I know.

[# We Got Us]

Look! It's your friends!

[Applause, whistling]

OK, well, that's it for another show.

Let's have a big thank you for our guest star, Mr. Dom DeLuise!

[Applause]

And thank you all for being with us,

especially those of you who weren't paid off by the pig.

Stand back, Dom. This is gonna be fractured frog time.

Don't do it, don't do it, don't do it!

We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!

[Overlapping shouting]

I wouldn't mind the show if they just got rid of one thing.

What's that? Me.