Cold open
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The dressing room. Scooter knocks and peers in.
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Scooter |
Bernadette Peters. Oh, 15 seconds to curtain, Miss Peters!
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Bernadette |
Thanks, Scooter, and uh … thank the Swedish Chef for sending in this lovely chicken sandwich.
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The chicken is still alive.
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Bernadette |
Suddenly I'm not hungry.
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Theme
Kermit |
It's The Muppet Show, with our special guest star Miss Bernadette Peters! Yaayyy!
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The curtain opens, and the theme begins.
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Statler |
No, please don't make me watch it!
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A balloon comes out of Gonzo's trumpet, but fails to blow up all the way.
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Opening number
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Main stage. Kermit enters to applause, wearing a tux.
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Kermit |
Okay! Thank you, thank you, thank you. Right, and welcome again to The Muppet Show. Hey, we have a wonderful show for you tonight, because oiur guest star is one of the all time multitalented, beautiful ladies of the world, Miss Bernadette Peters. (applause) OK, but first of all — first of all, we've got an opening number, which features me. I do sing and dance occasionally, so you'll know I'm not just another pretty face.
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The audience laughs. Piggy comes onstage, preening herself.
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Miss Piggy |
Uh, Kermie, my love?
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Kermit |
Mmm?
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Miss Piggy |
About the opening number. It is a, uh, duet.
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Kermit |
That's true.
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Miss Piggy |
I wish you'd told me earlier. I don't have time to learn the lyrics.
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Kermit |
Oh, that's okay. I'm doing it with Miss Mousey. (walks off)
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Miss Piggy |
Miss Mousey? MISS MOUSEY??!?
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She runs after him. The curtain opens, and Kermit and Miss Mousey do a duet of "How Could You Believe Me".
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In the balcony, Piggy stands behind Statler and joins him in booing.
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Statler |
Boo! Hiss! Terrible.
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Miss Piggy |
Boo! SSSS!
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Statler |
I hated it.
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Waldorf |
Really? I kind of liked it.
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Statler |
Well, the pig doesn't have you in a hammerlock. Ohh! Boo! Hiss! Terrible!
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Miss Piggy |
Boo.
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Backstage
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Robin sits on the floor.
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Robin |
Let's see if I've got it right now. Ahem. "Uncle Kermit, despite my small size and diminutive sta —"
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Kermit enters the frame.
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Kermit |
Okay, hey, listen, uh, big monsters on stage for the Bernadette Peters number!
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Sweetums, Thog and Timmy pass by and almost step on Robin.
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Kermit |
Come on, you guys. Move it. Move it. Come on. Move it. Move it.
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Robin |
Look out! You almost stepped on me.
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Kermit |
Aw, come on now, you can't go on stage looking like that. Now get back out there! You gotta brush your hair.
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The monsters walk over Robin again, in the other direction.
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Kermit |
Come on! Bernadette Peters is a big star. You gotta clean up. Clean up. Come on, come on, we don't have much time.
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Robin |
Aw. Nobody ever notices me. Uh, "Uncle Kermit, uh, despite my small size and diminutive stature…"
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The monsters walk over Robin again, onstage.
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Kermit |
Okay, come on! HURRY UP! HURRY UP! The number is about to start! Get on stage, get on stage!
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Robin |
… "I'm known to be the center of attraction wherever I go, and I want a feature part in the show!" Aww, rats.
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"Take a Little One Step"
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Main stage. Kermit enters.
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Kermit |
And now, ladies and gentlemen, one of the loveliest ladies in all of show business …
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Miss Piggy |
Uh, Kermie, you're not bringing that Miss Mousey back, are you?
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Kermit |
Uh, no, this is our guest star, Bernadette Peters.
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Miss Piggy |
Well, you're not singing with her, are you?
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Kermit |
No, no, no, no. She's working with some of our big, ugly, shaggy beasts.
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Miss Piggy |
Sounds like Miss Mousey to me. (exits)
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Kermit |
Will you get out of here! Ladies and gentlemen, the beautiful Miss Bernadette Peters.
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The curtain opens. Bernadette Peters sings "Take a Little One Step" while dancing with Sweetums, Thog, and Timmy.
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Waldorf |
Wow, wonderful, wonderful. That Bernadette Peters is terrific.
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Statler |
Well, I reserve judgment.
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Waldorf |
Till when?
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Statler |
Till the pig tells me what to say.
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Miss Piggy |
Bernadette Peters you can like.
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Statler |
I loved her, I loved her!
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Waldorf |
Good, good.
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Miss Piggy |
It's the mouse you gotta hate.
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Statler |
I hated her!
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Waldorf |
Terrible mouse!
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Statler |
Yeah, rotten!
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Waldorf |
Boo!
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Statler |
Boo!
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Backstage
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In the prop room, Robin is nowhere to be seen on camera.
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Robin |
Aw, gee. I'm so small, they don't even see me most of the time.
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Audience: "Awww." Robin pops up from behind an open suitcase.
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Robin |
And then when they do, they don't think I can do anything right.
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Robin |
Well, I'll show 'em. I'm running away. The next time they turn around and don't see me, I'll be gone. Then they'll see I can do something right.
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He accidentally shuts himself in his own suitcase.
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Robin |
Aw, rats.
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Chickens
Veterinarian's Hospital
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Open on Nurse Piggy, fooling around with some tongue depressors. Noticing she's on camera, she takes her position at the operating table.
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Announcer |
And now, Veterinarian's Hospital, the continuing stoooory of a quack who's gone to the dogs.
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Rowlf |
(speaking into the stethoscope) Testing, one, two, three. Mm? Oh. Ahem.
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Janice |
Oh, here, Dr. Bob. Here's your next patient.
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Rowlf |
Oh.
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He uncovers a shoe on the operating table.
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Rowlf |
Hey! This is just a shoe. What happened to the rest of him?
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Miss Piggy |
Maybe he got cold feet.
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They all laugh.
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Rowlf |
Now, let's see what's wrong with him. A-ha! It's an eight and a half triple D.
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Janice |
Eight and a half triple D?
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Rowlf |
That's about the size of it. (laughs with Piggy)
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Miss Piggy |
Oh, Dr. Bob, what are you going to start on?
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Rowlf |
The shoe string. A lot of people start on a shoestring.
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Janice |
Well, what do you think, Dr. Bob?
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Rowlf |
Simple. It's arsenic poisoning.
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Janice |
Arsenic?
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Rowlf |
Sure, just look at this old lace.
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Miss Piggy |
Arsenic and Old Lace?
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They all laugh.
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Miss Piggy |
Dr. Bob, Dr. Bob, that's an old show.
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Rowlf |
Well, that's an old shoe.
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Janice |
Well, that's an old joke.
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They all laugh.
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Miss Piggy |
Oh, Dr. Bob, aren't you going to examine the patient?
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Rowlf |
Uh, yes. Hey, shoe, stick out your tongue and say "ahh".
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Shoe |
(sticks out tongue) Ahh.
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Janice |
Dr. Bob, the tongue has a coat on it.
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Rowlf |
Of course, it's cold outside.
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Janice |
How do you know?
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Rowlf |
Oh, the leather outside is frightful …
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They all laugh.
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Miss Piggy |
Dr. Bob. You're not going to sing a song now, are you?
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Rowlf |
Why not? There's no business like shoe-business.
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They all laugh, and look up when they hear the announcer.
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Announcer |
And so, once again, Dr. Bob is barking up the wrong shoe tree.
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Rowlf |
Woof woof!
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Announcer |
Tune in next time, when you'll hear Nurse Piggy, Nurse Janice and Dr. Bob sing...
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All |
He'll never walk alone!
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They all laugh.
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UK spot
The Ant and the Grasshopper
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Sam stands by a small stage holding a book as harpsichord music plays.
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Sam the Eagle |
What — now? Oh. Ahem. Ladies and gentlemen, I, Sam the Eagle, will now read a fable, which should serve as a moral lesson to us all. Ahem. Once upon a time, there was an ant and a grasshopper.
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They appear on the stage.
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Sam the Eagle |
It was warm and sunny where they lived. But the ant worked day and night, from dawn to dusk, storing food for the long, hard winter he knew would come.
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Ant |
Ohh, toil and labor, work and strife, are all that matter in this life.
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Sam the Eagle |
Oh, the ant is a wonderful character. But meanwhile, the lazy, pleasure-loving grasshopper sang and danced with appalling abandon.
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Grasshopper |
Winter will fall and snow will come, but now it's time to have some fun. Hoo hoo!
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Sam the Eagle |
Shocking! Shocking! And eventually, just as expected, winter came.
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The "winter" backdrop is lowered.
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Sam the Eagle |
Very nice. And then it was, dear listeners... ahem. (turns the page) that the grasshopper drove his sports car to Florida, and the ant got stepped on. What?
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Both of those things happen onstage.
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Sam the Eagle |
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! That was not in the script! Someone changed it! We'll — we'll have to do it again! (facepalms)
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Statler |
The grasshopper drove to Florida. (laughs)
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Waldorf |
The ant got stepped on. (they laugh)
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Sam the Eagle |
Will you stop that?
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Waldorf |
(whimpers) Why are they picking on us tonight?
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Statler |
(mumbles) I dunno …
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Dressing room
The Swedish Chef
Backstage
Muppet Labs
"I'm Five"
Muppet newsflash
"Apple Jack"
Goodnights
Hello, Miss Peters.
Oh, hello, Robin. I didn't see you.
Most people don't. Listen, I'm running away from home, but I did want to stop and say goodbye.
Oh, you running away from home? How come?
Oh, because nobody notices me around here.
Oh, really? I hadn't noticed.
See? I mean, no one cares about a six-ounce frog.
Robin, you've got to believe in yourself.
If just one person believes in you, deep enough and strong enough, believes in you...
[ Just One Person]
[Speaking mock Swedish]
[Clucking]
OK. Is he all right? Good. OK.
Hi, Uncle Kermit.
Hi, Robin.
Hey, I feel just great after talking to Bernadette.
Good.
Can I do a song on the show tonight?
Funny you should mention it, Robin. I was thinking the same thing.
Oh, boy. Look, the way I see it, the curtain opens and I'm standing there in a spotlight. The music swells and I sing,
Away out here, they've got a name
Oh, no, no, no, no, no. They Call the Wind Maria?
Yeah. Great, huh?
Robin, that's ridiculous.
No, listen. I have a cute little song here that's fitting to a frog your age.
It's called I'm Five.
It's called cute and yucky. I don't wanna do it.
OK. Forget it.
Oh, hey. Is that any way to treat a performer? I'm gonna get an agent. I'm gonna get a lawyer.
I'm gonna get your father.
I'm gonna get right out and learn this cute little song.
I thought he'd see it my way.
Welcome again to Muppet Labs where the future is being made today. Dr. Bunsen Honeydew here with news to set you a-quiver. Beaker, Beaker, dear lad, come over here. Oh, Beaker, you forgot the beaker. Now get the beaker, Beaker. Go on. You are about to see the first sample ever isolated of Bunsonium, contained in this self-same beaker here. So far we have found no use for Bunsonium. We already know that it does not remove paint, it isn't a good glue , and when used as a shampoo, it produces unusual side effects. Right, Beaker? Today we begin an experiment to see what Bunsonium does when taken internally. My assistant Beaker here will now drink the Bunsonium.
That's all right. There, there, Beaker. Take a teensy little sip at first and remember not to get carried away and gulp the whole thing. Go ahead. It's all right. Go on.
Good. And now, in just a few moments, we shall know exactly what Bunsonium does.
Oh, so that's what Bunsonium does. Come, Beaker, let's go find a bicycle pump and pump you back up.
Well, it's introduction time. So here he is, my own cute little nephew, Robin, singing I'm Five.
[ L'm Five]
And now for my next number:
Away out here they've got a name
For wind and rain and fire
Here's a Muppet newsflash. Dateline The Muppet Show. It has been reported that a large heavy object was dropped from the ceiling. Further developments will...
OK, and now let's go down home for a little singin', a little banjo pickin' and a little Apple Jack with the lovely Miss Bernadette Peters.
[ Apple Jack]
OK. Well, we did the beginning part of the show, and then we did the middle part, so this has to be the end part. So let us have a thank you to our very special guest, Miss Bernadette Peters.
Thank you, Kermit. You know, it's really been fun. But I especially want to thank Mr. Big, Robin the Frog.
Aww, gee, Bernadette. Thanks a lot. Hey, I really had a great time.
Hey, we'll see you next time on The Muppet Show.
OK? He's OK.
What'd you think of Miss Mousie?
I loved her. Me too.
What?
No, we didn't!
Thank you.
Placeholder gallery