Cold open
Theme
Kermit | It's The Muppet Show, with our special guest star Miss Bernadette Peters! Yaayyy! |
The curtain opens, and the theme begins. | |
Statler | No, please don't make me watch it! |
A balloon comes out of Gonzo's trumpet, but fails to blow up all the way. |
Opening number
Backstage
"Take a Little One Step"
Main stage. Kermit enters. | |
Kermit | And now, ladies and gentlemen, one of the loveliest ladies in all of show business … |
Miss Piggy | Uh, Kermie, you're not bringing that Miss Mousey back, are you? |
Kermit | Uh, no, this is our guest star, Bernadette Peters. |
Miss Piggy | Well, you're not singing with her, are you? |
Kermit | No, no, no, no. She's working with some of our big, ugly, shaggy beasts. |
Miss Piggy | Sounds like Miss Mousey to me. (exits) |
Kermit | Will you get out of here! Ladies and gentlemen, the beautiful Miss Bernadette Peters. |
The curtain opens. Bernadette Peters sings "Take a Little One Step" while dancing with Sweetums, Thog, and Timmy. | |
Waldorf | Wow, wonderful, wonderful. That Bernadette Peters is terrific. |
Statler | Well, I reserve judgment. |
Waldorf | Till when? |
Statler | Till the pig tells me what to say. |
Miss Piggy | Bernadette Peters you can like. |
Statler | I loved her, I loved her! |
Waldorf | Good, good. |
Miss Piggy | It's the mouse you gotta hate. |
Statler | I hated her! |
Waldorf | Terrible mouse! |
Statler | Yeah, rotten! |
Waldorf | Boo! |
Statler | Boo! |
Backstage
Chickens
Three chickens play "Chopsticks" on the piano. |
Veterinarian's Hospital
UK spot
Uncle Deadly and the Sheikh's Wife sing "Sheik of Araby." |
The Ant and the Grasshopper
Dressing room
The Swedish Chef
Backstage
Muppet Labs
"I'm Five"
Muppet newsflash
"Apple Jack"
Goodnights
And now, one of the loveliest ladies in all of show business.
Kermie, you're not bringing that Miss Mousie back, are you?
No, this is our guest star Bernadette Peters.
Well, you're not singing with her, are you?
She's working with some of our big, ugly, shaggy beasts.
Sounds like Miss Mousie to me.
Will you get out of here! Ladies and gentlemen, the beautiful Miss Bernadette Peters.
[ Take a Little One Step]
Wow, wonderful, wonderful. That Bernadette Peters is terrific.
I reserve judgment.
Till when?
Till the pig tells me what to say.
Bernadette Peters you can like.
I loved her, I loved her!
It's the mouse you gotta hate.
I hated her. Terrible mouse.
Boo! Boo!
Aw, gee. I'm so small, they don't even see me most of the time. And then when they do, they don't think I can do anything right. Well, I'll show 'em. I'm running away. The next time they turn around and don't see me, I'll be gone. Then they'll see I can do something right.
Aw, rats.
[ Chopsticks]
[Clucking]
[Announcer] And now, Veterinarian's Hospital, the continuing story of a quack who's gone to the dogs.
Testing, one, two, three. Mm? Oh.
Over here, Dr. Bob. Here's your next patient.
Oh. This is just a shoe. What happened to the rest of him?
Maybe he got cold feet.
Now, let's see what's wrong with him. A-ha! It's an eight and a half triple D.
Eight and a half triple D?
That's about the size of it.
Dr. Bob, what are you going to start on?
The shoe string. A lot of people start on a shoestring.
What do you think, Dr. Bob?
Simple. It's arsenic poisoning.
Arsenic?
Sure, just look at this old lace.
Arsenic and Old Lace.
Dr. Bob, Dr. Bob, that's an old show.
Oh, that's an old shoe.
Well, that's an old joke.
Oh, Dr. Bob, aren't you going to examine the patient?
Yes. Hey, shoe, stick out your tongue and say "ah".
Ahh.
Dr. Bob, the tongue has a coat on it.
Of course, it's cold outside. How do you know?
Oh, the leather outside is frightful
[all laughing]
Dr. Bob. You're not going to sing a song now, are you?
Why not? There's no business like shoe-business.
[All laughing]
[Announcer] So, once again, Dr. Bob is barking up the wrong shoe tree.
Woof woof!
Tune in next time when you'll hear Nurse Piggy, Nurse Janice and Dr. Bob sing...
[all] He'll never walk alone
[ The Sheik of Araby]
What, now? Oh. Ahem. Ladies and gentlemen, I, Sam the Eagle, will now read a fable, which should serve as a moral lesson to us all. "Once upon a time, there was an ant and a grasshopper. It was warm and sunny where they lived. But the ant worked day and night, from dawn to dusk, storing food for the long, hard winter he knew would come."
Toil and labor, work and strife, are all that matter in this life.
Oh, the ant is a wonderful character. "But meanwhile, the lazy, pleasure-loving grasshopper sang and danced with appalling abandon."
Winter will fall and snow will come, but now it's time to have some fun.
Shocking, shocking. And eventually, just as expected, winter came. Very nice. And then it was, dear listeners...
The grasshopper drove his sports car to Florida and the ant got stepped on. What? Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! That was not in the script.
Someone changed it. We'll have to do it again.
The grasshopper drove to Florida. The ant got stepped on.
Will you stop that?
Why are they picking on us tonight? [Statler mumbles]
Hello, Miss Peters.
Oh, hello, Robin. I didn't see you.
Most people don't. Listen, I'm running away from home, but I did want to stop and say goodbye.
Oh, you running away from home? How come?
Oh, because nobody notices me around here.
Oh, really? I hadn't noticed.
See? I mean, no one cares about a six-ounce frog.
Robin, you've got to believe in yourself.
If just one person believes in you, deep enough and strong enough, believes in you...
[ Just One Person]
[Speaking mock Swedish]
[Clucking]
OK. Is he all right? Good. OK.
Hi, Uncle Kermit.
Hi, Robin.
Hey, I feel just great after talking to Bernadette.
Good.
Can I do a song on the show tonight?
Funny you should mention it, Robin. I was thinking the same thing.
Oh, boy. Look, the way I see it, the curtain opens and I'm standing there in a spotlight. The music swells and I sing,
Away out here, they've got a name
Oh, no, no, no, no, no. They Call the Wind Maria?
Yeah. Great, huh?
Robin, that's ridiculous.
No, listen. I have a cute little song here that's fitting to a frog your age.
It's called I'm Five.
It's called cute and yucky. I don't wanna do it.
OK. Forget it.
Oh, hey. Is that any way to treat a performer? I'm gonna get an agent. I'm gonna get a lawyer.
I'm gonna get your father.
I'm gonna get right out and learn this cute little song.
I thought he'd see it my way.
Welcome again to Muppet Labs where the future is being made today. Dr. Bunsen Honeydew here with news to set you a-quiver. Beaker, Beaker, dear lad, come over here. Oh, Beaker, you forgot the beaker. Now get the beaker, Beaker. Go on. You are about to see the first sample ever isolated of Bunsonium, contained in this self-same beaker here. So far we have found no use for Bunsonium. We already know that it does not remove paint, it isn't a good glue , and when used as a shampoo, it produces unusual side effects. Right, Beaker? Today we begin an experiment to see what Bunsonium does when taken internally. My assistant Beaker here will now drink the Bunsonium.
That's all right. There, there, Beaker. Take a teensy little sip at first and remember not to get carried away and gulp the whole thing. Go ahead. It's all right. Go on.
Good. And now, in just a few moments, we shall know exactly what Bunsonium does.
Oh, so that's what Bunsonium does. Come, Beaker, let's go find a bicycle pump and pump you back up.
Well, it's introduction time. So here he is, my own cute little nephew, Robin, singing I'm Five.
[ L'm Five]
And now for my next number:
Away out here they've got a name
For wind and rain and fire
Here's a Muppet newsflash. Dateline The Muppet Show. It has been reported that a large heavy object was dropped from the ceiling. Further developments will...
OK, and now let's go down home for a little singin', a little banjo pickin' and a little Apple Jack with the lovely Miss Bernadette Peters.
[ Apple Jack]
OK. Well, we did the beginning part of the show, and then we did the middle part, so this has to be the end part. So let us have a thank you to our very special guest, Miss Bernadette Peters.
Thank you, Kermit. You know, it's really been fun. But I especially want to thank Mr. Big, Robin the Frog.
Aww, gee, Bernadette. Thanks a lot. Hey, I really had a great time.
Hey, we'll see you next time on The Muppet Show.
OK? He's OK.
What'd you think of Miss Mousie?
I loved her. Me too.
What?
No, we didn't!
Thank you.